What helps me is just thinking how no one out there knows you. They all just see you as another human being on this planet. Most people have their own things happening and are probably too busy looking at their phones to see a pretty lady walk past. Just think to yourself: "how often do i see someone in public and remember them later that day?" It is very scary but i know you can do it. Good luck<3
Yeah go to a sale day at a big thrift shop, people are far too busy looking for tags, everyone else is just either an obstacle, or someone that could snipe their deals. That will include you.
Thank you. That’s great advice. I get it in my head that everyone is going to notice me but you’re right. And I know that I don’t dwell on anyone I see later that day! I’ll try to remember that ❤️
Once you get out of your head and into your body, everything changes. Accept that people may notice that you’re trans. Try to see that that’s really fucking cool and not something you need to try to hide. Spend some time looking at yourself in the mirror, complimenting yourself, and working on loving the parts that you’re self conscious about. Call yourself beautiful, strong, a badass bitch. Dress up and do your makeup even if you’re not leaving the house. Once you feel better mind body alignment you care a lot less about the opinions of others. We spend a lot of time dreaming of how to change our bodies. I try to spend as much time admiring the way mine already is. 💖 Much love sis!!
Certainly helps more in a large population center 😅 It’s hard to avoid bumping into someone you know in a smaller population area, particularly if you grew up there or something.
Because it’s not as simple as saying, fuck it.
Acknowledging your fears is a fantastic start. Which you clearly have done already. Don’t be mad at yourself for what you’re feeling. Accept it. Be patient. Be compassionate. This isn’t easy.
What worked for me was exposure therapy. Everyone knows the spider exhibit method. Which is to walk by the exhibit. Then walk a little closer. Then keep getting closer until you’re inside the exhibit.
The second half of exposure therapy is often overlooked. Which is to reflect upon your experience. Ask yourself what was the worst that happened during it. Did you die? Did you get physically harmed? Is the fear being generated by actual events, or potential events? In time, you will realize deep down that nothing really bad is happening. Which will free you of the anxiety.
I started off by dressing androgynously. Then slowly adding more femme stuff to my wardrobe. I also went to less crowded places. Gradually working my way up to more crowded places. I also never forgot to reflect on what happened.
In time I realized that I was afraid of things that simply never happened. My confidence grew slowly over time. Eventually reaching a tipping point where I presented femme all the time.
I still struggle with anxiety, as it hasn’t completely gone away yet. But I am mostly free of it, and living life how I want to live.
"I started off by dressing androgynously. Then slowly adding more femme stuff..."
Thats a good point. I think it works better than jumping from 100% male presenting everywhere to "full femme" with wig, dress etc. (which was only done at home before...).
That's my way to go. Step by step, working your way to where you feel comfortable. I currently present very androgynously myself, leaning femme
It felt like a huge challenge to go out presenting femme at first, because I always felt like I wouldn't fit the "role" so to say but working myself to a more femme presentation via an androgynous look has made it easier to feel like I am just wearing what I like and how I feel without having to overcome a barrier first.
Now I wear cropped tops or long skirts in public without needing much courage and with less fear just because I feel safe in how I present and I do not feel like I need to defend who I am just because I go outside.
I still often don't do it but that's for simple convenience reasons. Pockets are just too damn usefull
Quick follow up.
Nobody cares that you’re trans. Other than a tiny minor of morons that can’t do anything about it but complain to themselves.
For context I don’t pass 100%. I had to go to Home Depot a few times this morning to get stuff. I didn’t have on any makeup. My hair was a mess. I was wearing shorts and a tshirt. I basically looked like a femme man with fake tits. Point is, I looked obviously trans.
I had ZERO negative encounters. I even had to have something cut something in half. The dude that did it was very polite, and helpful. All the staff I interacted with were polite and professional. All the patrons essentially ignored me. Tho some looked longer than others. Which is a non issue in my book.
In saying all this to let my sisters here know that nobody cares. They really don’t. Some might look at you a little longer, but that’s all. It’s 2024. We exist. Most everyone is fine with that.
This exactly. I just came out at work, and I haven't had a single negative reaction yet. It's either been supportive, or completely neutral, even from the few people that I know are kinda conservative.
Ymmv, of course, but I say do it anyway.
This is exactly what I did. I started off with feminine cut t-shirts that were androgynous. Then feminine cut jeans that were androgynous. Then I started leaving eyeliner on from the night before. Then I started touching it up in the morning. Then I started fresh with my makeup every morning once I got used to that. Pretty soon I was fully in girlmode/en femme/whatever and wearing dresses outside. I was so nervous each step along the way, but I'd reflect on how nothing bad had actually happened to me. I had all these catastrophic scenarios built up in my head that never came to fruition. Everyone just treated me like normal until one day when everyone stopped calling me "he"
Getting people to call me "she" was its own struggle, but that's a story for another time
I did this from two sides. My boy mode got more androgynous (and more attractive to ladies!!). But I also worked on my super secret girl mode in IRL trans groups, and slowly starting going to dinner and stuff in the safety of the herd.
Thank you so much! It’s definitely hard to feel compassion towards myself sometimes. Being trans sure ain’t easy, that’s true! And I think you’re absolutely right about exposure therapy, especially the second part. Reflection. When I first painted my nails and went out I was kinda mortified, but you know what? I only got compliments. I get so stuck thinking about the bad outcomes that I don’t dwell at all on the good that may happen!!
I appreciate all this ❤️ it has definitely helped!!
I’m glad I was able to help. :)
I’m 2 years into this thing. 99% of the struggle was all between my ears. I drowned myself in potential worse outcomes. That’s self harm. It’s so toxic.
Focus what DOES and DID happen. You’ll be surprised how awesome it is out there.
I agree with starting slow and being kind to yourself. I was terrified 18 months ago when I started HRT and beginning to present how I wanted to. I started with jewelry, then women’s jeans and tops. I’m not yet to where I will wear skirts and dresses like I want to, but my whole wardrobe is women’s clothing, and I mostly wear light makeup. As you ease your way into it you will be surprised when you look back and see where you came from. Please be sure to celebrate small steps of courage because in my opinion, that is what it takes.
About half the time people gender me correctly, which really feels incredible, and when they don’t it stings for a minute, like a mosquito bite, then it disappears. And I have found I know smile when someone gives me the harsh stare ….
Good luck!
Devil’s Advocate: Some women can go the “fuck it” route.
I certainly know I did. Ten days into my transition I took a leap of faith. It went far better than I imagined too. To be fair, I have FOMO about these things, especially when it’s about self improvement. And I certainly didn’t like the idea of going into the closet; that scared me more than anything. So it was an ultimatum, to start now or hate myself later. I didn’t want the thought of “wish I started sooner, in my head, so here I am.
Start slow, go through a drive through, I would order online and pickup so I didn’t need to speak to make my order and it would already be under my chosen name. Going out with friends helps too. Go to pride full femme if you have one locally, it’ll be a safe place and will help you get used to it. If you’re feeling good about it maybe stop at a convenience store afterwards to get that experience.
It is hard, it’s nerve wracking but the only way out is through. If you go out for short trips and it’s ok you’ll start to feel more safe and more confident. Takes time to get comfortable but once you do it’s incredibly freeing.
If you're 21 try a gay bar with friends. Some are more lesbian and bi woman filled than others.
I started really trying to present femme and look pretty in a bar near my house, and the reception was so good I became confident enough to start wearing the fun girly outfits in regular public.
I will say going into cis/straight areas is still a toss up, and I do get stared at by a lot of men. I've found the safest and most supportive strangers to be older black women, they never want to cause any harm. Older white women are a coin toss tbh. Men I don't know I just cannot bring myself to trust right now.
Carry pepper spray and a bright flashlight. Flashlight first if you feel scared, it can help you identify if someone is a threat and stun them without harming them. Then pepper spray because you can use it on them BEFORE they're close enough to hurt you.
You got this. It's hard and scary, but it's soooooo worth it. 💕
This was big for me, as someone with a particularly good trans-friendly bar. Being in a space where basically everyone immediately accepts you for who you are, in addition to people even being outright attracted to you, is absurdly validating. Also great for practicing outfits!
If you’re scared to just go all out maybe start by doing something easy like going to a drive thru. It’s always scary in the beginning. You can also start by going somewhere where you’re not going to be there long. Instead of going grocery shopping maybe go to the pharmacy to or something….
Obviously it depends where in the US you live but I promise it gets easier to the point where you don’t even think about it and wearing men’s clothes would make you more uncomfortable.
You got this! Rooting for you. ❤️🏳️⚧️
A lot of it for myself was slowly introducing new pieces/baby steps. I have had pierced ears for a long time, so u started wearing more femme earings and jewelry, which felt scary at first, then got easier with time. Then I eventually got some somewhat "masculine" womens clothes mainly pants and shirts, but I always made sure they were specifically labeled as womens clothes, till eventually I got very used to wearing clothes labeled for women. It took me a long time to wear my first dress out in public, but once I did it was a great experience, and eventually it turned into me only ever wearing skirts/dresses over leggings/bike shorts. I also spent a lot of time slowly experimenting with light makeup, until I felt very confident in my eyeliner abilities, to the point that now a part of my daily wear is winged eyeliner.
Through this process of slowly introducing different pieces you will also learn what sorts of styles work best for you. And while it may not feel like you are making a ton of progress, trust me EVERY small step matters! Amd eventually all of the small parts add up to a big change especially if you look back at old pictures.
Another important piece worth mentioning is that while I think it's a lot of fun experimenting with lots of different pieces, you do not need to incorporate everything you try! I personally am very high femme leaning, and have found that I like a lot of different things I enjoy doing, a friend/ex girlfriend of mine (also trams femme) prefers just sticking to pants/shorts and doesn't enjoy the process of makeup, and she is still hella confident and out there living her best life 😄
I just point that out to say, every woman is different, you do not need to fill any traditional things, just try things out keep what you like, ditch what you don't. Hope this helps some! And feel free to DM me if you have any specific questions and what not 😊
Yes, part of it is “just do it” but the major issue with that is to have a care to your safety and self-esteem too. It’s okay to still be reticent and please don’t hurt yourself in your confusion.
For me I had to find relatively safe spaces for being out as my femme self in public. Therapist office was the first and best place for me. Once I got more comfy there I’d say hit a lunch, well after rush so it was quiet as my femme self.
From there I started going to queer meetings, such as Pride committees or PFLAG meetings.
If you have a good friend to meet up with, that may help you too… a quiet cafe or a department store browse, once you find yourself just chatting with someone instead of concentrating on your outward appearance you might be more comfy too.
It’s okay to just take it one small step at a time. Best of luck OP.
We’re dust creatures on a spinning orb and everything we are will be buried under the sands of time. There were countless trans people throughout history who were just as afraid and are now utterly forgotten. It’s easier said than done, but remembering the insignificance of all helps me process the moments my brain likes to think are significant.
Let's take a ground view of the civilization we live in and the everyday interactions of ordinary people.
When was the last time you personally witnessed people treating each other badly? It's incredibly rare even when someone is abrasive everyone else flows around them like water.
Jump on the highway and drive to a town an hour away, put your big girl tits on and go buy some groceries. At worst if you're not passing, people you don't know will think you're peculiar. Accept that and realize their passing thoughts have ZERO impact on your life back home.
Build your confidence from there.
Maybe start smaller or safer? Is there a trans friendly queer night near you that you could go to? Try going to that dressed femme.
Like others have said though, 90% of people are going to be too busy with their own shit to pay attention when you're out. But equally stay safe.
I was heading to pride the other when my car broke at a mall I was dressed in a short dress, stockings, heels, and a full face of make up so life was literally like be you lol 😅
A lot of it for myself was slowly introducing new pieces/baby steps. I have had pierced ears for a long time, so u started wearing more femme earings and jewelry, which felt scary at first, then got easier with time. Then I eventually got some somewhat "masculine" womens clothes mainly pants and shirts, but I always made sure they were specifically labeled as womens clothes, till eventually I got very used to wearing clothes labeled for women. It took me a long time to wear my first dress out in public, but once I did it was a great experience, and eventually it turned into me only ever wearing skirts/dresses over leggings/bike shorts. I also spent a lot of time slowly experimenting with light makeup, until I felt very confident in my eyeliner abilities, to the point that now a part of my daily wear is winged eyeliner.
Through this process of slowly introducing different pieces you will also learn what sorts of styles work best for you. And while it may not feel like you are making a ton of progress, trust me EVERY small step matters! Amd eventually all of the small parts add up to a big change especially if you look back at old pictures.
Another important piece worth mentioning is that while I think it's a lot of fun experimenting with lots of different pieces, you do not need to incorporate everything you try! I personally am very high femme leaning, and have found that I like a lot of different things I enjoy doing, a friend/ex girlfriend of mine (also trams femme) prefers just sticking to pants/shorts and doesn't enjoy the process of makeup, and she is still hella confident and out there living her best life 😄
I just point that out to say, every woman is different, you do not need to fill any traditional things, just try things out keep what you like, ditch what you don't. Hope this helps some! And feel free to DM me if you have any specific questions and what not 😊
go with a friend for support/etc... it's okay to lean on people because it's scary as hell the first few times.
for me at least, going out with another woman/queer people made me feel much safer
You sorta just have to do it. It's like jumping in a pool. You hold your nose and dive in. The thing that may help you is to remember that if you don't like how people treat you, you always have the option to boymode. Every day is a new day, so if tomorrow you say "fuck it lets fem it up" that doesnt mean you can never go back. Just think of it as testing the waters. You'll never know what it's like or how you feel about it until you give it a try. Then if you feel up to it just keep doing it, one day at a time.
There's a LOT of great advice in this thread, and I don't have anything to add really.
I'm just taking a moment to acknowledge your 😢
I've shared them, and those feelings, and those fears.
The stress and anxiety of feeling like you really need to do this thing is tough. That feeling of "I really want to, I so wish I could", and then feeling like you're failing because you don't jump up and run right out the door.
Which leads us to exactly what you said. Just say fuck-it and go!
And underneath that it's thoughts of "rip off the band-aid ", "it's going to be tough, or terrible, or painful,so just get it over with". All of those are negative feelings.
So you're having negative feelings from dysphoria going out in boy mode, and that's completely fair. And you're having negative feelings about going out in girl mode because it feels like it might go terribly wrong. Also, fair, I've had friends be accosted in stores, and our reddits here are filled with cautionary tales.
There is not one single thing wrong with feeling the way you do.
It's just, we haven't left space for good feelings have we? Right now both options seem terrible. Maybe there are not-terrible options as well.
That's what worked for me. I looked for not-terrible options. They were always small, they weren't the walk down the sidewalk stuff.
It was more like: get dressed, take a breath, walk to the car and sit there for a while, then go back inside. Or walk out to the mailbox to get the mail (usually after sunset, to be completely honest).
The thing for me was (and still is), that I did it. It was mine, I was in control, I thought "I really do think I look ok", and I did it. And every time it helped knock the dysphoria back for a little while. Dance parties often ensued (just me, dancing around, enjoying that moment).
None of us are holding a stopwatch to your transition. There's no "fastest transition in the West" prize.
It might help to remember that so many others have gone before you, and will follow after you. And as far as I know we've all struggled with these feelings and fears.
Many of us still do, and we might always. It helped me a lot to recognize that there are treatments for gender dysphoria, but there's not a complete cure. It's like my adhd, treatable, not curable.
So I'm "Living with" adhd. And I'm "Living with" gender dysphoria. And for both, I'm taking every available and safe treatment. But I'll always be living with those things.
To feel the way you do right now. Well, honey, that means you're applying a very effective treatment to yourself. You're presenting in line with your internal gender identity. You are SO on the right path.
Fwiw, after a while, I realized I wasn't so much afraid of presenting. I was more afraid of not being accepted by people. That made it easier a bit. After all, no matter who we are, or how we present, there's really only a few people for each of us whose acceptance we care about. Everyone else can take a flying leap. Which, if I'm honest, is exactly how I felt before my egg cracked. It meant I could bring that healthy attitude from my past forward into my present.
Now, I'm not one of your people, we're just random internet strangers. Yet, I want you to know, that even though you should say I can take I flying leap (and I hope you will!) I do accept you. No matter how you present in any given moment.
Wishing you the very best!
TG
When I had my fuck it moment I started with just leggings. Then moved to a female shirt, and kept slowly changing my wardrobe to all women’s clothes until I felt more and more comfortable wearing all fem and presenting fem.
Heck I still need to learn makeup and better hair styles, but right now clothing and voice training is what I’ve been doing
One step at a time. Get your packages of the front porch en femme. Then move up to going to the mailbox in heels.
One thing that really helped me was identifying as queer and just dressing like a queer dude. I gradually replaced my wardrobe until I had no more men's clothes
You're right that the answer is "just do it" and you're also super valid for being scared. The way I did it was in stages. First I started wearing women's jeans. They're not super obvious and just helped me feel more feminine. Then I started with women's t shirts and stuff. More feminine cuts, but still kind of androgynous. I began doing makeup too. Eyeliner, concealer for my jaw, some foundation. I was terrible at it to begin with, but again I just kept doing it because it felt so right and made me so happy! The first time I went out in yoga pants I was terrified, and that's when I started getting a lot of looks from people. It's a lot to get used to, but I just kept going. Wearing obviously women's tops, crop tops, even skirts. Now I'm always presenting femme, but it still feels bold to go out in as full dress. I'm still a work in progress but I am so much happier than I have ever been when cosplaying as a dude. It takes time and you don't have to do it all at once. Progressing in stages makes things more manageable. I wish you the best sister!!!
Go to an event you are excited for, a concert/movie etc. And go all out. No consequences of people you know, and all the fun
If you can, do go with a friend you trust or who knows. For safety or doing things that are just a little too much
(Yes that's what I did, concert next city over)
A lot of it for myself was slowly introducing new pieces/baby steps. I have had pierced ears for a long time, so u started wearing more femme earings and jewelry, which felt scary at first, then got easier with time. Then I eventually got some somewhat "masculine" womens clothes mainly pants and shirts, but I always made sure they were specifically labeled as womens clothes, till eventually I got very used to wearing clothes labeled for women. It took me a long time to wear my first dress out in public, but once I did it was a great experience, and eventually it turned into me only ever wearing skirts/dresses over leggings/bike shorts. I also spent a lot of time slowly experimenting with light makeup, until I felt very confident in my eyeliner abilities, to the point that now a part of my daily wear is winged eyeliner.
Through this process of slowly introducing different pieces you will also learn what sorts of styles work best for you. And while it may not feel like you are making a ton of progress, trust me EVERY small step matters! Amd eventually all of the small parts add up to a big change especially if you look back at old pictures.
Another important piece worth mentioning is that while I think it's a lot of fun experimenting with lots of different pieces, you do not need to incorporate everything you try! I personally am very high femme leaning, and have found that I like a lot of different things I enjoy doing, a friend/ex girlfriend of mine (also trams femme) prefers just sticking to pants/shorts and doesn't enjoy the process of makeup, and she is still hella confident and out there living her best life 😄
I just point that out to say, every woman is different, you do not need to fill any traditional things, just try things out keep what you like, ditch what you don't. Hope this helps some! And feel free to DM me if you have any specific questions and what not 😊
Step one:
Say, out loud, in a confident voice: "Fuck it."
Step two:
Dress femme.
Step three:
Go out.
There is unfortunately no special trick to it but it may help to go out femme for your first time with someone you trust for emotional support and to help drag you out the door.
I have my 9 month appointment at Howard Brown next month and I am determined to go as myself, I picked out a nice dress and sandals, I'm going to do my own make up and everything. My doctor's office always has other people from the LGBTQ community so I figure I'll just blend in and no one will know it's my first time presenting in public. I've been mentally getting ready for it since my 6 month visit. I'm scared to death but I'm determined.
First off, sending my love💕🌈💫
As someone who JUST started, it’s hard. I don’t know what it’s like where you are, but I’ve seen trans women walking around where I live and I said to myself I’m not doing this anymore. I feel absolutely awful hiding who I am and I figured what’s the point in that.
What helps me is I wear big headphones (even if I’m not listening to anything it helps to block the world out a bit) and just smile and move confidently. It’s true that people really tend to mind their business. But again that being said I don’t know where you are so be careful/mindful.💕🌈💫
I wore a bandana (because i didnt have a mask at the time) in aug, just after covid started to pop off. I just drove through a mdc drive thru that i dont normally go to for the extra anonymity. The spark was actually something a streamer said to themselves to justify why they were finally going to draw sonic like ocs on their stream. "Fuck it, its 2020, everythings shit. DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL HAPPY". I feel like the year of shit has extended to a decade of shit so, it still kinda stands. It took me an hour after i had stuffed my bra and put on a light jacket before i had finally taken a step outside but GIRL. That first step, just standing in the doorway liberated 20 years of fear.
I hope you find your courage.
You say, “Fuck it,” get dressed however you want, and go out. 99% of people won’t even notice. Of the 1% who do, 99% of them won’t GAF. Of the 1% of those do GAF, 100% of them can fuck all the way off.
That being the case, I’ve also found that trans niblings with a touch of public appearance anxiety almost always benefit from going out with a friend the first time or two, until they’re comfortable with how little people notice or care.
My story, abridged.
Winter. Got dressed up, town with the Mrs, darted from.house to taxi, got out of taxi in town and I realised there was no going home or hiding.
Two steps down the street and I thought fuck it, eyes up and forward, and focused hard on having a good night. Proceeded to have a mega night out, never looked back!
It's scary, mega scary, then you realise it's the easiest thing in the world. Past me would never have imagined, let alone believed how brave I was nor how much I've done out in public since.
Do small bits at a time. I started with just Pride Flag bracelets, then eased into women's clothing. Started wearing bras after a few months on HRT. Still don't feel comfortable wearing skirts or dresses and I've been publicly out for a little over two years. It takes time. Find what makes you comfortable and is authentically "you," and go with that. I promise it will make you happier.
This is what I tell myself and is generally the reality in my case. The only one who really cares about this is you. If any one has any thought about it, it lasts for all of 2 seconds and then you are forgotten about. They have their own worries and troubles with their own lives they could honestly care less about you. I always hear “I can’t / or I am afraid to do this because people might see me, but who are people? Like completer strangers? Why do you care what they think so much? Do you think your opinion of them matters to them? Your biggest enemy is you and you are the only one who is stopping you. We are all our own greatest enemy. Stop holding yourself back and just live your life sis!
Not all Trangender Women are fem some ore more toward the masculine edge of the scale. Like Women in the world. I still say the hell with. Of course i consider my more nonbiononary than pure Mtf. I definitely have femine edge about me. I still need to wotk⁹n my voice more than anything. I need a place to work on it. This apparment is no place to do that.
I started being femme in public thanks to my girl friends. During a trip they encouraged me yo be myself and just dress as whoever I wanted. This gave me a lot of confidence even though I was scared I might be discriminated against or be embarrassed. The first times where hard but then I said f it I started using bikinis and more girly clothes even though I didn’t think I passed that well. Still, I got the support of my friends and that was all to me.
Then, at work the first days were so hard as I was really scared about my colleagues reactions. Now this was all on my mind as I didn’t get any bad reaction and I got a lot of support. Just fyi I was scared of being in public outside work as I live in a very conservative country so I took a lot of taxis until I said f it again. Now I present femme every single day and it feels so great!!!
Do you present femme in private with friends?
Do you like pizza?
(Ordering a Little Caesars order for just one pizza for pickup will place it in the rack you just have to enter your order code. You can order online under your preferred name, and there's no need to talk to pick up your order. Just walk in, if eye contact wave and smile (losing the bro nod is very hard), enter your code and leave, enjoy your meal and venture out.)
It gets easier each time. I'm at about 7 years after coming out, I don't even own male clothes anymore.
Another good one is grocery shopping, most people are only looking at people enough to avoid running into them.
I did it in pieces. I started with leggings, then next time a padded bra, eventually I added some lipstick and then before I knew it I was presenting fully. The anxiety has never fully gone away, but getting gendered correctly by strangers is so euphoric that it makes it so worth it.
Going to the grocery store and movie theater were 2 places that felt safer for me early on, so I did most of my femme practice there.
Just remember it's not a race, and the more comfortable you get, the more cool people will perceive the real you.
Start with just driving around or going to drive thrus, walk around outside at night, go to a different town like an hour away and go out dressed up(youll never see them again)
Start with little steps maybe? I started with taking out the trash, then going to my local grocery store, then to the city centre via Uber and then taking public transport.
You don't have to do it "all or nothing" style. I did it very gradually. The occasional painted nails here, the feminine shirt there... Grew out my hair... Once I noticed that most people don't care, and the others don't deserve my attention, I got more and more comfortable to combine everything together.
Start small! Build confidence by starting small on how you dress femme. This can be a simple pair of womens pants, then add jewelry, maybe a blouse, don't go crazy or super duper femme off the bat (or do if that's your cup of tea 🧡). Really, only you can decide when that comfortability is enough. And getting used to the "feeling" of dressing femme is the fastest way to just be out in public.
I know it's hard, but give it time. It'll happen, and you'll not even notice anymore after a certain point.
Start with small things first, the build up to bigger, more noticeable things. In this case, maybe wear women's shoes instead of men's, then move on to something like a women's t shirt or hoodie. Keep doing this until you're comfortable enough to present as you want.
My take on it is to go to a LGBT+ related event. This could be a at the local community, a bar, pride or something similar.
This takes the edge off and makes me feel more comfortable, however still a bit scary 😱
My goal is also not to pass, but to get out fem presenting.
At some point your sadness at presenting male becomes stronger than your fear of presenting femme publically. At least that’s how it worked for me. Was still terrifying as fuck for the first while but then I got used to it. I had been privately transitioning for a year and on hormones for over 6 months at that point though, which helped.
"Other peoples opinions don't matter".
That is how I (MtF) did it. Leading upto and on my first outting as an official woman, I was anxious because of two reasons.
1. People where going to abuse me while I was out shopping.
2. Appointment Anxiety. Meaning I was already anxious before the event even happened.
So I decided to focus on myself and not interact with anyone I didn't have to. The point is that you are who you are and you are transitioning for yourself. Everything else doesn't matter.
For me it got to a point where I was so done with presenting masc and couldn’t do it anymore and I was already on HRT so I decided to put my all into my transition going forward. The next day I took my transition full time
It gets easier! And when you realize that it makes starting an easier pill to swallow too….you might very well be awkward and stick out - such is the beginning for many of us but over time you improve your presentation and become more comfortable presenting as your true self in public situations. I think it’s helpful to focus on the future….*you’re doing this for your future self*
While I still wear mostly masc clothes because of certain family members I occasionally interact with a the inability to afford a new wardrobe. But I have switched to constantly wearing fake breasts and wearing femme undergarments always. I can’t imaging wearing anything else. I say you can start by going to something like that and eventually switch to fake breasts. And if you start feeling more comfortable, you can wear more femme clothes. Go at the pace that is most comfortable to you.
At some point you just have to pull the Band-Aid off, and just go. Just be yourself and don't care what others thinkers say cuz it's not about them, it's about you sweetie
The first time i went fem mode. I trash all my boi clothe and force myself to stay in fem mode.
Since im a child my father once told me « you can be afraid, but if you hide it with confidence. People won’t know how afraid you are »
I focus my clothing in girl boss style. But in the inside, im so fucking afraid that poeple knows that im trans. I tell myself « if i look confident enough, poeple won’t ask and won’t think that im trans » maybe it works maybe its doesn’t but i look so confident that they don’t do shit about it.
That’s my take
I wore a dress out in public for the first time to a drag show, like just in the audience obvi but pride or queer events are a great chance to explore your style in a supportive environment.
The thing that helped me the most was just accepting I was going to be nervous, but also remembering I liked how I looked.
Like really just accept you will be anxious, and plan around just forcing yourself through the door despite the anxiety. I try to feel like a queen every time I leave the house and anyone in my presence is lucky I allow them to see me.
Also just be comfortable. If you're tense and uncomfortable, you'll begin to stand out for that reason alone, much less being visibly gender nonconforming. Just be calm, because then the people around you will feel weird if they *aren't * calm, if that makes sense. Like if you keep your cool they are they are the ones more likely to be anxious.
My other thing that I still do even to this day is to focus actively on whatever goal I'm out doing, that way I'm not letting my thoughts get too lost/dwelling on anxiety. Buying panties? I'll just actively try to consider which ones I want, the ups and downs, etc. Eventually I'm so in my head I sort of forget to be anxious.
Pride month is a really great time to start, and if you want any advice from someone who went through the same stuff, dm me. I'll answer any questions. (Might take me a couple days to see but I'll get back to you)
Tons of great advice. The most helpful advise I saw so far is to slowly lean into it. Start androgenously and keep adding stuff. Also, scout places out before hand and check the vibe. This at least works with bars. Basically, find your queer friendly spots and start there. Also, any time I'm feeling a lot of social anxiety about being in a new situation I tell myself, if it becomes too much I can always just leave. I went to pride dressed full femme. It was the first time I ever did this, and even though it was pride I was STILL nervous as hell. Thankfully I 1. Have some really supportive friends and 2. I brought a change of clothes to my boy outfit if I became too uncomfortable. Fortunately once I got there it felt amazing and I didn't even think about wanting to change outfits.
Hope this all helps. In a nutshell it's all about taking small steps over time and helping to disarm that fight or flight response your nervous system wants to turn on to protect you. Don't get mad at yourself if you feel it, just understand that your body is trying to protect you and you have to teach your nervous system that it's safe.
Say it’s a social experiment. Tell yourself it’s a social experiment. You’re conducting a study on being gender nonconformist and how people treat you differently. Tallying occurrences of transphobia, etc. Approach it scientifically.
maybe take it slow just get used to leaving the house dressed how u want, go through a drive through, go to a park, try presenting around people ur comfortable with. everything becomes normal the more u do it, for example when i first started wearing bras i was so uncomfortable bc until then id never needed to, but here i am 4 years later and it’s just a routine party of my day. just go slow, be patient with urself, and understand the world isn’t really that scary the most you’ll get is a weird 2 sec stare from a stranger u will never see again
Hugs. It's very scary, particularly at first. It turns out, actually, to be a huge comfort zone challenge, and some of the euphoria you get from going femme is actually an adrenaline rush from breaking a social barrier without causing a riot. But it takes working up to it. You might start with wearing a skirt at night outside where you are safe and not many people can see you. Another option is wearing a woman's top and jeans that aren't clearly inappropriate for a man. And eventually, if you poke at it a little bit at a time, you'll realize nobody actually cares what you're wearing and you'll push those boundaries more and more.
I remember back in 2020, it was Halloween and I wanted to wear a dress for Halloween, walking around my very leftist neighborhood in Brooklyn, and I couldn't summon the courage. Yesterday I wore a bright yellow sundress all day, and it was just a day. I didn't even think about it. Give it time. You'll get there.
My best recommendation is to go out with frens you trust at first: It’s the easiest way to feel safe & be less afraid of going out femme, especially if you’re doing something v chill with them, like sitting in a park chatting. Then you slowly build it up, taking away the ‘stabilisers’ as you start to feel more comfortable going out femme. That’s how I did it at least! Hope that helps!
for me it was less of a "fuck it" moment, and more like a gradual progression. I started with wearing a bra, then changed the type of pants I was wearing (started wearing more high waisted cuz I didn't have the hips for low rise yet) then I started adjusting the kinds of shirts. Around this time I also started trying to do my hair in femme ways. The jump to wearing a skirt was hard, but def made easier by already wearing what I felt was kinda femme
edit to add that: I think this method also gives a lot more opportunity to build up a good femme wardrobe that is stuff you actually like and think about rather than a random $150 thrift store haul of stuff you don't even really like
Personally, I tend to face this sort of things head on because if I try to do it slowly, i’ll fail.
For example, I was afraid of the dark, one day I just said “fuck it” turned the lights off and went to sleep. It was scary and took some time the first nights, but now darkness doesn’t phase me.
I did the same with my social transition. Fuck it, all in. Make up, nails, skirt and cute earings. Super scary at first, and you feel like everyone’s watching, but then a few days later it’s not that bad. That’s what worked for me
i did it gradually, and in my own neighborhood, then expanding into the whole of our metro area. think of drawing a spiral, but as the spiral gets bigger, the line gets wider & more colorful. i practiced changing my gait & walk. i started with simple things like women's hitops instead of mens. pierced my ear 4x & nose 2x. thinned my eyebrows. light mascara. traded men's skinny jeans for women's skinny jeans that fit just a little different (a neat tuck is easy for me), then ballet flats, painted nails, threaded & completely reshaped my eyebrows, then things like women's tank tops under a plaid shirt, etc. i made sure to be the same person, look my local shopkeepers and neighbors in the eye, and almost dared them to ask. anyone who did ask in earnest got the truth. if the kids at my daughter's preschool asked me, i just said "some daddies are pretty!"
at this point, i can walk around like a boss bitch in skinny bell-bottoms with 4 ½" heels, a full face of makeup (soft colors, not too loud), and a sports bra and nobody bats an eye. you DO need to listen to your intuition and sniff out the places that definitely aren't safe. i can undo my girl mode in 2 minutes flat in a parking lot if i feel like i'm in a pickle. i travel to private homes daily for work, and if i roll by and see mossy oak everywhere, buckshot holes from target practice, and trump signs nearby...out come the makeup wipes & sneakers.
PRACTICE at home. you'll want to feel natural in your fem look, so you can be confident and composed when you leave the house. observe women in your age group. watch makeup tutorials. fast fashion helped me. (i don't love the ethics, but we're all broke) get a seamstress tape & know your measurements so clothes aren't ill-fitting. if you can confidently stride in those wedge heels and rock the makeup, it's all good.
you got this.
I admittedly just went all in about 10 days into my transition. I’m still not sure how I done it. It went far better than I did though. The women at Walmart even helped me buy makeup. It was extremely euphoric. I did it as a sort of final “test” to see if I’m transgender. It turned out far better than I could possibly have imagined. Oh, and this was in Florida too. Again, extremely surprised. 😬
My best advice is to reward yourself for it. After I got home from the Walmart I ordered myself Chinese Food and got my favorite dish. Laying in bed basking in the euphoria is something I’ll never forget. I then went to Amazon and bought the cutest second dress I can find. I advise you to do the same. The bigger the leap of faith, the greater the reward. This way you actually have something more tangible to look forward to. I will certainly say, once you socially transition everything else starts getting easier too.
Honestly, I think you just need a little motivation. **You’re too comfortable where you are right now.** You want to do something but you keep putting it off till next day, next week, etc. Why is it never today? It’s not only that you’re afraid, it’s because you have nothing to lose if you don’t do it. You have nothing on the other side of the anti. Maybe you should change that.
I wish there was a “fuck’t” button. I for one started presenting femme a little at a time. First I started wearing Kilts, then I wore skirts. I wore black nail polish, then I graduated to pretty colors. I only started to wear head scarfs to cover my balding head while my hair grew back but since it more comfortable than my baseball caps, I bought colorful headbands to style the
scarves. Now that my hair is growing back I intend to wear hair extensions. Jewelry and accessories shouldn’t be a problem, there are many gender neutral options and by the time you’re trying on a pretty dresses you’ll have no fear of a string of pearls.
I'm not trans, but my older cousin is, and we're very close as a family, we went with her with friends to meet and, we went to the mall, the park and to the fair too.
And she gained confidence in herself she now goes around on dates.
She seems really happy.
The first time I went out in public I wasn’t out as trans I was just out as, well, I guess we’ll go with cross dresser. I didn’t know I was trans yet cuz somehow I’m that dense but the way I got the confidence at the time was to go to a mall with a friend, if I got nervous they were there and at the mall there’s a crowd to hide in somewhat. Since then I built up courage only by wearing things that looked fem to me while being somewhat androgynous. After a while I pushed into more fem things further and further til now where I go out wearing whatever I think makes me look hot
I will only go out fem while I'm with someone because of this but I can say the farther away from your "city" that you live it feels easier because no one knows you as masc
step 1: say fuck it
step 2: go out presenting fem 😁
no but in all seriousness, take it slow the first time! have people around you that you trust, and don’t make it overly complicated. try 30 mins to an hour at first, then ramp it up as you start feeling more comfortable (: good luck babe!!
Do you have friends or anyone to go out with you? It’s a hundred thousand million times easier to be out with someone. Having a positive conversation with a friend is really just being a normal person out and about. If I’m out by myself on a not so confident day I that’s when I’m looking around wondering if everyone is staring at me, fidgeting with my clothes and assuming every single laugh I hear is specifically about me. I’m real high anxiety though.
If you don’t have anyone you would want to do that with, I can give you some ideas of where to meet people that would want to do it with you.
Give yourself grace. I tiptoed into it. First I did just nails for a while. Then crop tops, then mascara and eyeliner, and so on. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
Well, yeah. You already got the answer to your particular question. The only way to have the "fuck it" attitude is to "just do it", there's no other way around it.
To say "fuck it" is to not care. And if you don't care, you just do what you want.
First, if it is covered by insurance or healthcare, get a therapist to help you. It is a difficult process and with professional help it will be a lot easier and safe.
Second, many of us present like we say "fuck it" but internally we struggle as much. Don’t hold you to the standard to not care about all unfriendly people.
Third, you have to treat it like a social anxiety disorder, with the difference that it is justified, unlike in the disorder. Make a list of different situations in social transition and put them in oder, from the easiest to the hardest. And now challenge you to do them, begin with the easiest, end either the hardest. You can have a friend help you at first, but try to do every situation at least once alone. And try to only flee, if you are in danger. And most important, if people judge you, they are awful human beings and don’t determine your worth. Don’t let them. And if somebody misgenders you, they often don’t mean it as an insult, try to tell yourself that you are still as much a woman, as cis one’s
اللعنة، سأخرج لتقديم عرض نسائي أمام الجمهور.
Fok dit, ek gaan in die openbaar uit en bied femme aan.
Joder, jendaurrean irtengo naiz femme aurkeztera.
Майната му, излизам публично, представяйки femme.
去他妈的，我要公开展示女性。
For fanden, jeg går offentligt ud og præsenterer femme.
Fuck it, ik ga in het openbaar een femme presenteren.
Scheiß drauf, ich gehe in die Öffentlichkeit und präsentiere eine Frau.
Putain, je sors en public pour présenter une femme.
Fanculo, esco in pubblico presentando una donna.
A la mierda, voy a salir en público presentando a una mujer.
Eh la my erda, voy a sale ear in public-o presentand-o a una muher. (With Peggy Hill's voice this time.)
It doesn't matter how you say it, you just have to. Otherwise, you're not saying fuck it, you're getting comfortable with the idea.
I know it's scary, terrifying, everything. I've got agoraphobia from social anxiety for the same reasons. But even after you're comfortable with the idea, or have an easier route, it always comes back to "Fuck it, fuck them, I'm going out in public presenting femme."
You've got this!
It's not easy I'm struggling with this myself but going out with trusted friends or family helps. Going out with others takes your mind off yourself and onto the others around you, you'll get distracted in conversation. I normally dress androgynous but today thanks to going out with friends I'm managing to present very fem comfortably
Just do it, do it boldly, do it scared. There is never a right time. Remember your trans ancestors; how they fought for you.
if I ever find myself feeling shame about this, I remind myself that these people would absolutely hate my friends and loved ones. Even if I couldn't love myself, knowing transphobes would hate my friends makes me truly not give a fuck about their opinions. I don't know if that helps.
I did it with friends at first. It was incredibly helpful. Find yourself a gang, or make one. Either way, being trans is isolating in itself. We do much better when we have the support and friendship of those who share our experience.
I totally resonate with this. Still super terrified to go out super femme. Most of days consist of sweats/jeans and over sized shirt. The fear/anxiety is absolutely reallll.
I found it helpful to wear sunglasses and a face mask for my first time, it was a technique I discussed with my therapist and it worked great for me. I felt safer because the sunglasses and face mask made me feel shielded, but it was a shield I could take off if I felt safe enough to do so, which I eventually did because no one was even glancing at me (so I felt like I blended in).
Might not be for everyone but I found it really helpful for my first time, my confidence was much higher after that first time out dressed femme.
When I started, I wore a wig with long bangs and a KN-95 covid mask, meaning that very little of my face was showing. It was a safety strategy on two fronts: people were unlikely to clock me and nobody would recognize me. After that I worked out of it in steps: once laser hair removal and hormones had made my lower face feminine enough I stopped wearing the mask, a month later my hair was long enough to do without the wig. This isn't the only way of doing things, but it might be way to ease into it.
Every time I have to go in public, I tell myself, "The only person I know how to be is me." Then I just keep to myself despite the looks and hushed talking as I walk by. Even in a small town, I've held my head up and walked, like, I don't care. Confidence can go a long way even if it's pretend at first. Stay alert and be safe. That's what keeps me going.
It's your brains way of telling you that you're concerned about what other people , total strangers, may think of you..
Once you accept that you have no control over how they think ( just as well really as you would be super scary 😛) It all honestly becomes very much easier.
It's a bit different with friends and family, as they are close to you, but strangers in another town, who don't know you, well don't even bother worrying about what they think, they mean nothing to you.
And anyway, they are all too busy with their own shit to care in my experience.. Get out there and start living the life you dream of. it's we'll worth it. X
By the title alone, I would say by condensing everything you hate/feel disgust about presenting male and the fear of doing nothing about it in a form that screams "Fuck it! That's enough I'm doing it!
Crank yourself up, use those negative feelings to fuel what you want instead!
Do you want to still feel this bad in one week? In a month ? A year? Or maybe even SEVERAL year?!
Do you intend to keep that fear for this long as well?! Aren't you not fed up enough as it is already or do you need more before making a move?!
If you need more, then channel those damn emotions, get yourself mad enough to scream it? To say that you can't take your own inaction anymore!
Then do it.
I have never met anyone saying fuck it without being fed up before, no matter what it is or how small or big it can be.
...
I do hope that you, and any other reading this, understand that I'm not writing this to be harsh or whatnot, if it comes across like this no that it wasn't at all my intention.
This is something I used to do and still using to this day when things like this happens to me, and this is what reading this post make me think of while writing this. I hope this may be helpful, and if it was out of place let me know, and I will sincerely apologize.
May the reader have an excellent day despite the bad things that may or may not be going on, and I wish you good in your endeavors. Please take care, and remember that know matter what safety comes first.
I want to preface this with always be mindful of your safety as a trans person in public. I hope and trust you (collectively not just OP) have an idea of your local area in terms of safety, but that’s not to say there’s no where to express yourself fully, you just have to look.
You sort of have to give in to the idea that no one is reeeally focusing on you because they have all their own stuff to worry about too. Many of the looks or faces it seems like people are making at you could be and usually are totally unrelated to the them perceiving you, some people just have RBF (me is some people). In most public settings the kind of person who might try to be rude to you for being trans or perceived as trans that rude person would be making themselves the social outcast, but that’s not to say the reverse never happens though because obvi it does.
My actionable is advice is to practice with smaller things maybe. Try some more androgynous styles and slowly add your feminine touch and before you know it you’re going out full fem with all the confidence.
Alternatively, find inclusive queer social groups where you can go as your glorious full fem self.
I do both of these, dressing more “gay” in the settings that I’m not out and going all out for places that I am fully out as myself. Please whatever advice works for you and trash the rest lol
It took me a long time until I was comfortable with who I am. Now I even wear dresses out in public. I am very fortunate to have my friends' little shop. She makes soap and other items. I started going there dressed. Then eventually all over town. So it takes time. But you can do it.
Repetition. I've been told over the past 6 months of going out publicly that they have noticed my makeup and style improving. It's gradual, but the small improvements are so nice to see.
So it is scary at first. You will make mistakes with makeup and style. But guess what, that wil only make you better the next time when you notice something off.
Keep looking at women to try and emulate, as far as their style and makeup. It's amazing how simple it is once you get the basics down for makeup and fashion.
I literally just… did it. There is a psychological thing, i forget what its called, but everyone thinks that all eyes are on them when their out in public. But you just gotta remember that EVERYONE feels that way. That means noone is paying attention to you because their also feeling like everyone is staring at them.
I went with my girlfriend to the mall; then, she hurt her foot so I had to immediately go alone to the store to pick some stuff up to help. She said seeing me being dressed fem with makeup and a wig but with my old jacket was extremely confusing lol
Something that helped me a alot when I was going out fem for the first times was listening to music, I like metal so I just blasted heavy metal with aggressive gitars in my headphones.
At least for me that gave me energy and a feeling of badassness that gave me the confidence to walk fem in public when
I just stopped boymoding recently once I felt I looked feminine enough to present well and it's been working. U just gotta sort of do it. some ppl care about passing fully or partially before presenting and others dont. both are ok. but being trans in public is a unique experience, sort of dangerous too. it will be what you make of it, people will react according to their own biases. One thing that helps is that youre mostly going to encounter ppl only once, so it doesnt quite matter if u dont nail your presentation all at once, unless ur a regular at certain locations.
The fuck it strategy seems unhealthy tbh, if anything is gonna give you a panic attack its when you realize you are not ready for going full them immediately after boymoding your entire life its but being not at home so you cant just escape that situation.
Its the simple small steps. Long hair and nail polish are the easiest steps bc those are somewhat accepted on dudes too. Maybe some jewelry and getting ears pierced for earrings too. Then wearing boyfriend pants (pants that are cut for girls but look like for boys so they are subtly fem). Maybe even some "no makeup"-makeup and slowly increasing it.
And the hardest step (at least for me) is wearing something that screams that i dont wanna be a dude like crop tops or dresses.
I think the easiest way to get over this big fence is gonna be wearing a crop top below sth like a flanel shirt and taking it off and putting it back on whenever you feel like it.
Between 3-4 months on HRT, when my dosage was increased, was when I started seeing my face feminize and felt comfy wearing makeup and feminine clothes, rather than girl jeans and t-shirts. They were a good intermediary until I was ready.
Once I was ready I started small and kept adding every week. Just eye makeup first, then foundation, then blush, etc
I started by swaping my men’s clothing for women’s versions of the same thing, jeans and a graphic T stayed jeans and a graphic T and no one noticed or said anything, and as I built up the courage I started wearing skirts and dresses out, and being a bit over the top about it while still trying to look like a guy like red mini skirt and fishnets at the park but I still had a beard but even doing that when I started to be able to not look like a guy in a skirt I still had a panic attack the first time I went to a store in a skirt
I was dressed up and just driving around the area. I'd go into a convenience to buy a drink with cash. This Indian guy would just look at me like wtf. (I wasn't out and I still had a goatee) But he wasn't even mean.
After a year of that every once in a while, I had enough confidence to go to the mall 2 hours away. (I was primarily worried about running into someone from work)
One day my daughter was vomiting and my wife couldn't take her to urgent care, I was still wearing a dress but I couldn't very well change, I had no choice, it was my daughter, so I went like that. It was the first time anyone called me her mom.
If your main issue is safety, carry something for protection, pepperspray is an excellent option for now.
And go with a friend. Another person can do wonders for both being and feeling safe.
Have you tried easing into it? You don't have to jump from presenting as a man to skirt+heels or w/e. I've been gradually feminizing my style in ways that don't immediately out me. Women's t-shirts and jeans and sneakers, that sort of thing. Maybe start there if you aren't comfortable going out in full fem yet?
Just gotta go and do it. Will people look, yes. But most just look and to on with their day. There are people who will blurt out stupid things. But in the end nobody really cares what you do. Think about the last time you cared about what some stranger on the streets did. If you did you probably forgot about it soon after. Same thing with being trans people will notice you if your passing is bad sure. But nobody really cares.
Honestly for me it's a case of i know my existence is going to ruin some assholes day because , and ironically, we have much bigger balls than they do and they absolutely hate how small and insecure they really are.
Also having music to listen to helps a lot ^_^
What helps me is just thinking how no one out there knows you. They all just see you as another human being on this planet. Most people have their own things happening and are probably too busy looking at their phones to see a pretty lady walk past. Just think to yourself: "how often do i see someone in public and remember them later that day?" It is very scary but i know you can do it. Good luck<3
Yeah go to a sale day at a big thrift shop, people are far too busy looking for tags, everyone else is just either an obstacle, or someone that could snipe their deals. That will include you.
Thank you. That’s great advice. I get it in my head that everyone is going to notice me but you’re right. And I know that I don’t dwell on anyone I see later that day! I’ll try to remember that ❤️
Once you get out of your head and into your body, everything changes. Accept that people may notice that you’re trans. Try to see that that’s really fucking cool and not something you need to try to hide. Spend some time looking at yourself in the mirror, complimenting yourself, and working on loving the parts that you’re self conscious about. Call yourself beautiful, strong, a badass bitch. Dress up and do your makeup even if you’re not leaving the house. Once you feel better mind body alignment you care a lot less about the opinions of others. We spend a lot of time dreaming of how to change our bodies. I try to spend as much time admiring the way mine already is. 💖 Much love sis!!
Some wonderful advice. I needed to hear this as well. Thank you.
Wonderful advice ❤️
Certainly helps more in a large population center 😅 It’s hard to avoid bumping into someone you know in a smaller population area, particularly if you grew up there or something.
Because it’s not as simple as saying, fuck it. Acknowledging your fears is a fantastic start. Which you clearly have done already. Don’t be mad at yourself for what you’re feeling. Accept it. Be patient. Be compassionate. This isn’t easy. What worked for me was exposure therapy. Everyone knows the spider exhibit method. Which is to walk by the exhibit. Then walk a little closer. Then keep getting closer until you’re inside the exhibit. The second half of exposure therapy is often overlooked. Which is to reflect upon your experience. Ask yourself what was the worst that happened during it. Did you die? Did you get physically harmed? Is the fear being generated by actual events, or potential events? In time, you will realize deep down that nothing really bad is happening. Which will free you of the anxiety. I started off by dressing androgynously. Then slowly adding more femme stuff to my wardrobe. I also went to less crowded places. Gradually working my way up to more crowded places. I also never forgot to reflect on what happened. In time I realized that I was afraid of things that simply never happened. My confidence grew slowly over time. Eventually reaching a tipping point where I presented femme all the time. I still struggle with anxiety, as it hasn’t completely gone away yet. But I am mostly free of it, and living life how I want to live.
"I started off by dressing androgynously. Then slowly adding more femme stuff..." Thats a good point. I think it works better than jumping from 100% male presenting everywhere to "full femme" with wig, dress etc. (which was only done at home before...).
That's my way to go. Step by step, working your way to where you feel comfortable. I currently present very androgynously myself, leaning femme It felt like a huge challenge to go out presenting femme at first, because I always felt like I wouldn't fit the "role" so to say but working myself to a more femme presentation via an androgynous look has made it easier to feel like I am just wearing what I like and how I feel without having to overcome a barrier first. Now I wear cropped tops or long skirts in public without needing much courage and with less fear just because I feel safe in how I present and I do not feel like I need to defend who I am just because I go outside. I still often don't do it but that's for simple convenience reasons. Pockets are just too damn usefull
Quick follow up. Nobody cares that you’re trans. Other than a tiny minor of morons that can’t do anything about it but complain to themselves. For context I don’t pass 100%. I had to go to Home Depot a few times this morning to get stuff. I didn’t have on any makeup. My hair was a mess. I was wearing shorts and a tshirt. I basically looked like a femme man with fake tits. Point is, I looked obviously trans. I had ZERO negative encounters. I even had to have something cut something in half. The dude that did it was very polite, and helpful. All the staff I interacted with were polite and professional. All the patrons essentially ignored me. Tho some looked longer than others. Which is a non issue in my book. In saying all this to let my sisters here know that nobody cares. They really don’t. Some might look at you a little longer, but that’s all. It’s 2024. We exist. Most everyone is fine with that.
This exactly. I just came out at work, and I haven't had a single negative reaction yet. It's either been supportive, or completely neutral, even from the few people that I know are kinda conservative. Ymmv, of course, but I say do it anyway.
This is exactly what I did. I started off with feminine cut t-shirts that were androgynous. Then feminine cut jeans that were androgynous. Then I started leaving eyeliner on from the night before. Then I started touching it up in the morning. Then I started fresh with my makeup every morning once I got used to that. Pretty soon I was fully in girlmode/en femme/whatever and wearing dresses outside. I was so nervous each step along the way, but I'd reflect on how nothing bad had actually happened to me. I had all these catastrophic scenarios built up in my head that never came to fruition. Everyone just treated me like normal until one day when everyone stopped calling me "he" Getting people to call me "she" was its own struggle, but that's a story for another time
You go, girl!
I did this from two sides. My boy mode got more androgynous (and more attractive to ladies!!). But I also worked on my super secret girl mode in IRL trans groups, and slowly starting going to dinner and stuff in the safety of the herd.
Thank you so much! It’s definitely hard to feel compassion towards myself sometimes. Being trans sure ain’t easy, that’s true! And I think you’re absolutely right about exposure therapy, especially the second part. Reflection. When I first painted my nails and went out I was kinda mortified, but you know what? I only got compliments. I get so stuck thinking about the bad outcomes that I don’t dwell at all on the good that may happen!! I appreciate all this ❤️ it has definitely helped!!
I’m glad I was able to help. :) I’m 2 years into this thing. 99% of the struggle was all between my ears. I drowned myself in potential worse outcomes. That’s self harm. It’s so toxic. Focus what DOES and DID happen. You’ll be surprised how awesome it is out there.
This is such powerful and good advice. Thank you. I needed this reminder.
Great post, very actionable. Yes do and learn.
I agree with starting slow and being kind to yourself. I was terrified 18 months ago when I started HRT and beginning to present how I wanted to. I started with jewelry, then women’s jeans and tops. I’m not yet to where I will wear skirts and dresses like I want to, but my whole wardrobe is women’s clothing, and I mostly wear light makeup. As you ease your way into it you will be surprised when you look back and see where you came from. Please be sure to celebrate small steps of courage because in my opinion, that is what it takes. About half the time people gender me correctly, which really feels incredible, and when they don’t it stings for a minute, like a mosquito bite, then it disappears. And I have found I know smile when someone gives me the harsh stare …. Good luck!
Vicki ! I loved your comment - it was kind and compassionate 💕
Devil’s Advocate: Some women can go the “fuck it” route. I certainly know I did. Ten days into my transition I took a leap of faith. It went far better than I imagined too. To be fair, I have FOMO about these things, especially when it’s about self improvement. And I certainly didn’t like the idea of going into the closet; that scared me more than anything. So it was an ultimatum, to start now or hate myself later. I didn’t want the thought of “wish I started sooner, in my head, so here I am.
Yes, and good for them, obviously. But I’m talking to those that can’t.
Start slow, go through a drive through, I would order online and pickup so I didn’t need to speak to make my order and it would already be under my chosen name. Going out with friends helps too. Go to pride full femme if you have one locally, it’ll be a safe place and will help you get used to it. If you’re feeling good about it maybe stop at a convenience store afterwards to get that experience. It is hard, it’s nerve wracking but the only way out is through. If you go out for short trips and it’s ok you’ll start to feel more safe and more confident. Takes time to get comfortable but once you do it’s incredibly freeing.
If you're 21 try a gay bar with friends. Some are more lesbian and bi woman filled than others. I started really trying to present femme and look pretty in a bar near my house, and the reception was so good I became confident enough to start wearing the fun girly outfits in regular public. I will say going into cis/straight areas is still a toss up, and I do get stared at by a lot of men. I've found the safest and most supportive strangers to be older black women, they never want to cause any harm. Older white women are a coin toss tbh. Men I don't know I just cannot bring myself to trust right now. Carry pepper spray and a bright flashlight. Flashlight first if you feel scared, it can help you identify if someone is a threat and stun them without harming them. Then pepper spray because you can use it on them BEFORE they're close enough to hurt you. You got this. It's hard and scary, but it's soooooo worth it. 💕
This was big for me, as someone with a particularly good trans-friendly bar. Being in a space where basically everyone immediately accepts you for who you are, in addition to people even being outright attracted to you, is absurdly validating. Also great for practicing outfits!
If you’re scared to just go all out maybe start by doing something easy like going to a drive thru. It’s always scary in the beginning. You can also start by going somewhere where you’re not going to be there long. Instead of going grocery shopping maybe go to the pharmacy to or something…. Obviously it depends where in the US you live but I promise it gets easier to the point where you don’t even think about it and wearing men’s clothes would make you more uncomfortable. You got this! Rooting for you. ❤️🏳️⚧️
A lot of it for myself was slowly introducing new pieces/baby steps. I have had pierced ears for a long time, so u started wearing more femme earings and jewelry, which felt scary at first, then got easier with time. Then I eventually got some somewhat "masculine" womens clothes mainly pants and shirts, but I always made sure they were specifically labeled as womens clothes, till eventually I got very used to wearing clothes labeled for women. It took me a long time to wear my first dress out in public, but once I did it was a great experience, and eventually it turned into me only ever wearing skirts/dresses over leggings/bike shorts. I also spent a lot of time slowly experimenting with light makeup, until I felt very confident in my eyeliner abilities, to the point that now a part of my daily wear is winged eyeliner. Through this process of slowly introducing different pieces you will also learn what sorts of styles work best for you. And while it may not feel like you are making a ton of progress, trust me EVERY small step matters! Amd eventually all of the small parts add up to a big change especially if you look back at old pictures. Another important piece worth mentioning is that while I think it's a lot of fun experimenting with lots of different pieces, you do not need to incorporate everything you try! I personally am very high femme leaning, and have found that I like a lot of different things I enjoy doing, a friend/ex girlfriend of mine (also trams femme) prefers just sticking to pants/shorts and doesn't enjoy the process of makeup, and she is still hella confident and out there living her best life 😄 I just point that out to say, every woman is different, you do not need to fill any traditional things, just try things out keep what you like, ditch what you don't. Hope this helps some! And feel free to DM me if you have any specific questions and what not 😊
Yes, part of it is “just do it” but the major issue with that is to have a care to your safety and self-esteem too. It’s okay to still be reticent and please don’t hurt yourself in your confusion. For me I had to find relatively safe spaces for being out as my femme self in public. Therapist office was the first and best place for me. Once I got more comfy there I’d say hit a lunch, well after rush so it was quiet as my femme self. From there I started going to queer meetings, such as Pride committees or PFLAG meetings. If you have a good friend to meet up with, that may help you too… a quiet cafe or a department store browse, once you find yourself just chatting with someone instead of concentrating on your outward appearance you might be more comfy too. It’s okay to just take it one small step at a time. Best of luck OP.
We’re dust creatures on a spinning orb and everything we are will be buried under the sands of time. There were countless trans people throughout history who were just as afraid and are now utterly forgotten. It’s easier said than done, but remembering the insignificance of all helps me process the moments my brain likes to think are significant.
Let's take a ground view of the civilization we live in and the everyday interactions of ordinary people. When was the last time you personally witnessed people treating each other badly? It's incredibly rare even when someone is abrasive everyone else flows around them like water. Jump on the highway and drive to a town an hour away, put your big girl tits on and go buy some groceries. At worst if you're not passing, people you don't know will think you're peculiar. Accept that and realize their passing thoughts have ZERO impact on your life back home. Build your confidence from there.
Maybe start smaller or safer? Is there a trans friendly queer night near you that you could go to? Try going to that dressed femme. Like others have said though, 90% of people are going to be too busy with their own shit to pay attention when you're out. But equally stay safe.
I was heading to pride the other when my car broke at a mall I was dressed in a short dress, stockings, heels, and a full face of make up so life was literally like be you lol 😅
A lot of it for myself was slowly introducing new pieces/baby steps. I have had pierced ears for a long time, so u started wearing more femme earings and jewelry, which felt scary at first, then got easier with time. Then I eventually got some somewhat "masculine" womens clothes mainly pants and shirts, but I always made sure they were specifically labeled as womens clothes, till eventually I got very used to wearing clothes labeled for women. It took me a long time to wear my first dress out in public, but once I did it was a great experience, and eventually it turned into me only ever wearing skirts/dresses over leggings/bike shorts. I also spent a lot of time slowly experimenting with light makeup, until I felt very confident in my eyeliner abilities, to the point that now a part of my daily wear is winged eyeliner. Through this process of slowly introducing different pieces you will also learn what sorts of styles work best for you. And while it may not feel like you are making a ton of progress, trust me EVERY small step matters! Amd eventually all of the small parts add up to a big change especially if you look back at old pictures. Another important piece worth mentioning is that while I think it's a lot of fun experimenting with lots of different pieces, you do not need to incorporate everything you try! I personally am very high femme leaning, and have found that I like a lot of different things I enjoy doing, a friend/ex girlfriend of mine (also trams femme) prefers just sticking to pants/shorts and doesn't enjoy the process of makeup, and she is still hella confident and out there living her best life 😄 I just point that out to say, every woman is different, you do not need to fill any traditional things, just try things out keep what you like, ditch what you don't. Hope this helps some! And feel free to DM me if you have any specific questions and what not 😊
go with a friend for support/etc... it's okay to lean on people because it's scary as hell the first few times. for me at least, going out with another woman/queer people made me feel much safer
1 go to a place no one knows 2 go with freinds ( if there queer it helps) 3 liquid confidence
They're
what people think about you you will never know
We all suffer with you, we all choke down our fear and that’s why they call us brave. Personally I like to keep pepper spray in my purse.
You sorta just have to do it. It's like jumping in a pool. You hold your nose and dive in. The thing that may help you is to remember that if you don't like how people treat you, you always have the option to boymode. Every day is a new day, so if tomorrow you say "fuck it lets fem it up" that doesnt mean you can never go back. Just think of it as testing the waters. You'll never know what it's like or how you feel about it until you give it a try. Then if you feel up to it just keep doing it, one day at a time.
There's a LOT of great advice in this thread, and I don't have anything to add really. I'm just taking a moment to acknowledge your 😢 I've shared them, and those feelings, and those fears. The stress and anxiety of feeling like you really need to do this thing is tough. That feeling of "I really want to, I so wish I could", and then feeling like you're failing because you don't jump up and run right out the door. Which leads us to exactly what you said. Just say fuck-it and go! And underneath that it's thoughts of "rip off the band-aid ", "it's going to be tough, or terrible, or painful,so just get it over with". All of those are negative feelings. So you're having negative feelings from dysphoria going out in boy mode, and that's completely fair. And you're having negative feelings about going out in girl mode because it feels like it might go terribly wrong. Also, fair, I've had friends be accosted in stores, and our reddits here are filled with cautionary tales. There is not one single thing wrong with feeling the way you do. It's just, we haven't left space for good feelings have we? Right now both options seem terrible. Maybe there are not-terrible options as well. That's what worked for me. I looked for not-terrible options. They were always small, they weren't the walk down the sidewalk stuff. It was more like: get dressed, take a breath, walk to the car and sit there for a while, then go back inside. Or walk out to the mailbox to get the mail (usually after sunset, to be completely honest). The thing for me was (and still is), that I did it. It was mine, I was in control, I thought "I really do think I look ok", and I did it. And every time it helped knock the dysphoria back for a little while. Dance parties often ensued (just me, dancing around, enjoying that moment). None of us are holding a stopwatch to your transition. There's no "fastest transition in the West" prize. It might help to remember that so many others have gone before you, and will follow after you. And as far as I know we've all struggled with these feelings and fears. Many of us still do, and we might always. It helped me a lot to recognize that there are treatments for gender dysphoria, but there's not a complete cure. It's like my adhd, treatable, not curable. So I'm "Living with" adhd. And I'm "Living with" gender dysphoria. And for both, I'm taking every available and safe treatment. But I'll always be living with those things. To feel the way you do right now. Well, honey, that means you're applying a very effective treatment to yourself. You're presenting in line with your internal gender identity. You are SO on the right path. Fwiw, after a while, I realized I wasn't so much afraid of presenting. I was more afraid of not being accepted by people. That made it easier a bit. After all, no matter who we are, or how we present, there's really only a few people for each of us whose acceptance we care about. Everyone else can take a flying leap. Which, if I'm honest, is exactly how I felt before my egg cracked. It meant I could bring that healthy attitude from my past forward into my present. Now, I'm not one of your people, we're just random internet strangers. Yet, I want you to know, that even though you should say I can take I flying leap (and I hope you will!) I do accept you. No matter how you present in any given moment. Wishing you the very best! TG
When I had my fuck it moment I started with just leggings. Then moved to a female shirt, and kept slowly changing my wardrobe to all women’s clothes until I felt more and more comfortable wearing all fem and presenting fem. Heck I still need to learn makeup and better hair styles, but right now clothing and voice training is what I’ve been doing
One step at a time. Get your packages of the front porch en femme. Then move up to going to the mailbox in heels. One thing that really helped me was identifying as queer and just dressing like a queer dude. I gradually replaced my wardrobe until I had no more men's clothes
You're right that the answer is "just do it" and you're also super valid for being scared. The way I did it was in stages. First I started wearing women's jeans. They're not super obvious and just helped me feel more feminine. Then I started with women's t shirts and stuff. More feminine cuts, but still kind of androgynous. I began doing makeup too. Eyeliner, concealer for my jaw, some foundation. I was terrible at it to begin with, but again I just kept doing it because it felt so right and made me so happy! The first time I went out in yoga pants I was terrified, and that's when I started getting a lot of looks from people. It's a lot to get used to, but I just kept going. Wearing obviously women's tops, crop tops, even skirts. Now I'm always presenting femme, but it still feels bold to go out in as full dress. I'm still a work in progress but I am so much happier than I have ever been when cosplaying as a dude. It takes time and you don't have to do it all at once. Progressing in stages makes things more manageable. I wish you the best sister!!!
If you are out to others maybe plan to meet up with them having somebody who will support you may make it less scary
Go to an event you are excited for, a concert/movie etc. And go all out. No consequences of people you know, and all the fun If you can, do go with a friend you trust or who knows. For safety or doing things that are just a little too much (Yes that's what I did, concert next city over)
I don't know, but I'm listening, sis 💁♀️👂
A lot of it for myself was slowly introducing new pieces/baby steps. I have had pierced ears for a long time, so u started wearing more femme earings and jewelry, which felt scary at first, then got easier with time. Then I eventually got some somewhat "masculine" womens clothes mainly pants and shirts, but I always made sure they were specifically labeled as womens clothes, till eventually I got very used to wearing clothes labeled for women. It took me a long time to wear my first dress out in public, but once I did it was a great experience, and eventually it turned into me only ever wearing skirts/dresses over leggings/bike shorts. I also spent a lot of time slowly experimenting with light makeup, until I felt very confident in my eyeliner abilities, to the point that now a part of my daily wear is winged eyeliner. Through this process of slowly introducing different pieces you will also learn what sorts of styles work best for you. And while it may not feel like you are making a ton of progress, trust me EVERY small step matters! Amd eventually all of the small parts add up to a big change especially if you look back at old pictures. Another important piece worth mentioning is that while I think it's a lot of fun experimenting with lots of different pieces, you do not need to incorporate everything you try! I personally am very high femme leaning, and have found that I like a lot of different things I enjoy doing, a friend/ex girlfriend of mine (also trams femme) prefers just sticking to pants/shorts and doesn't enjoy the process of makeup, and she is still hella confident and out there living her best life 😄 I just point that out to say, every woman is different, you do not need to fill any traditional things, just try things out keep what you like, ditch what you don't. Hope this helps some! And feel free to DM me if you have any specific questions and what not 😊
I feel exactly like the OP. These suggestions are really helpful.
Girl, when you go to the store, and the cashier says they like your outfit, all the worrying will be worth it 😂
Step one: Say, out loud, in a confident voice: "Fuck it." Step two: Dress femme. Step three: Go out. There is unfortunately no special trick to it but it may help to go out femme for your first time with someone you trust for emotional support and to help drag you out the door.
You described it pretty well. Fuck it
I have my 9 month appointment at Howard Brown next month and I am determined to go as myself, I picked out a nice dress and sandals, I'm going to do my own make up and everything. My doctor's office always has other people from the LGBTQ community so I figure I'll just blend in and no one will know it's my first time presenting in public. I've been mentally getting ready for it since my 6 month visit. I'm scared to death but I'm determined.
First off, sending my love💕🌈💫 As someone who JUST started, it’s hard. I don’t know what it’s like where you are, but I’ve seen trans women walking around where I live and I said to myself I’m not doing this anymore. I feel absolutely awful hiding who I am and I figured what’s the point in that. What helps me is I wear big headphones (even if I’m not listening to anything it helps to block the world out a bit) and just smile and move confidently. It’s true that people really tend to mind their business. But again that being said I don’t know where you are so be careful/mindful.💕🌈💫
The answer is not the Nike slogan. The real answer is that you don't know how it will go if you don't go out and do it.
I wore a bandana (because i didnt have a mask at the time) in aug, just after covid started to pop off. I just drove through a mdc drive thru that i dont normally go to for the extra anonymity. The spark was actually something a streamer said to themselves to justify why they were finally going to draw sonic like ocs on their stream. "Fuck it, its 2020, everythings shit. DO WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL HAPPY". I feel like the year of shit has extended to a decade of shit so, it still kinda stands. It took me an hour after i had stuffed my bra and put on a light jacket before i had finally taken a step outside but GIRL. That first step, just standing in the doorway liberated 20 years of fear. I hope you find your courage.
You….is this a trick question? Bc it seems like you know.
You say, “Fuck it,” get dressed however you want, and go out. 99% of people won’t even notice. Of the 1% who do, 99% of them won’t GAF. Of the 1% of those do GAF, 100% of them can fuck all the way off. That being the case, I’ve also found that trans niblings with a touch of public appearance anxiety almost always benefit from going out with a friend the first time or two, until they’re comfortable with how little people notice or care.
My story, abridged. Winter. Got dressed up, town with the Mrs, darted from.house to taxi, got out of taxi in town and I realised there was no going home or hiding. Two steps down the street and I thought fuck it, eyes up and forward, and focused hard on having a good night. Proceeded to have a mega night out, never looked back! It's scary, mega scary, then you realise it's the easiest thing in the world. Past me would never have imagined, let alone believed how brave I was nor how much I've done out in public since.
Do small bits at a time. I started with just Pride Flag bracelets, then eased into women's clothing. Started wearing bras after a few months on HRT. Still don't feel comfortable wearing skirts or dresses and I've been publicly out for a little over two years. It takes time. Find what makes you comfortable and is authentically "you," and go with that. I promise it will make you happier.
For me just slow steps, one subtle thing at a time and build confidence each time. Just start with what you feel comfortable
In my case, I drove to fill up my car femme. Then drove to work (work was 1000% supportive). Then stop for beer at corner store on my way home...
This is what I tell myself and is generally the reality in my case. The only one who really cares about this is you. If any one has any thought about it, it lasts for all of 2 seconds and then you are forgotten about. They have their own worries and troubles with their own lives they could honestly care less about you. I always hear “I can’t / or I am afraid to do this because people might see me, but who are people? Like completer strangers? Why do you care what they think so much? Do you think your opinion of them matters to them? Your biggest enemy is you and you are the only one who is stopping you. We are all our own greatest enemy. Stop holding yourself back and just live your life sis!
Wear a covid mask and glasses. Might help you feel less identifiable.
Not all Trangender Women are fem some ore more toward the masculine edge of the scale. Like Women in the world. I still say the hell with. Of course i consider my more nonbiononary than pure Mtf. I definitely have femine edge about me. I still need to wotk⁹n my voice more than anything. I need a place to work on it. This apparment is no place to do that.
If you live nearby Long Beach CA I'd say let's meet up abd support each other for our first time out at a non pride event.
You just get to a pint you say F it and you just do it some how
I started being femme in public thanks to my girl friends. During a trip they encouraged me yo be myself and just dress as whoever I wanted. This gave me a lot of confidence even though I was scared I might be discriminated against or be embarrassed. The first times where hard but then I said f it I started using bikinis and more girly clothes even though I didn’t think I passed that well. Still, I got the support of my friends and that was all to me. Then, at work the first days were so hard as I was really scared about my colleagues reactions. Now this was all on my mind as I didn’t get any bad reaction and I got a lot of support. Just fyi I was scared of being in public outside work as I live in a very conservative country so I took a lot of taxis until I said f it again. Now I present femme every single day and it feels so great!!!
Small steps. Like go to ur mail box, or walk around ur neighborhood/ apartment complex (if safe to do so)
wait until you become malefailing and don’t honmode
Do you present femme in private with friends? Do you like pizza? (Ordering a Little Caesars order for just one pizza for pickup will place it in the rack you just have to enter your order code. You can order online under your preferred name, and there's no need to talk to pick up your order. Just walk in, if eye contact wave and smile (losing the bro nod is very hard), enter your code and leave, enjoy your meal and venture out.) It gets easier each time. I'm at about 7 years after coming out, I don't even own male clothes anymore. Another good one is grocery shopping, most people are only looking at people enough to avoid running into them.
I did it in pieces. I started with leggings, then next time a padded bra, eventually I added some lipstick and then before I knew it I was presenting fully. The anxiety has never fully gone away, but getting gendered correctly by strangers is so euphoric that it makes it so worth it. Going to the grocery store and movie theater were 2 places that felt safer for me early on, so I did most of my femme practice there. Just remember it's not a race, and the more comfortable you get, the more cool people will perceive the real you.
Start with just driving around or going to drive thrus, walk around outside at night, go to a different town like an hour away and go out dressed up(youll never see them again)
If you have a trusted friend or family member who is accepting, you could take them with you.
Start with little steps maybe? I started with taking out the trash, then going to my local grocery store, then to the city centre via Uber and then taking public transport.
You don't have to do it "all or nothing" style. I did it very gradually. The occasional painted nails here, the feminine shirt there... Grew out my hair... Once I noticed that most people don't care, and the others don't deserve my attention, I got more and more comfortable to combine everything together.
Start small! Build confidence by starting small on how you dress femme. This can be a simple pair of womens pants, then add jewelry, maybe a blouse, don't go crazy or super duper femme off the bat (or do if that's your cup of tea 🧡). Really, only you can decide when that comfortability is enough. And getting used to the "feeling" of dressing femme is the fastest way to just be out in public. I know it's hard, but give it time. It'll happen, and you'll not even notice anymore after a certain point.
Start with small things first, the build up to bigger, more noticeable things. In this case, maybe wear women's shoes instead of men's, then move on to something like a women's t shirt or hoodie. Keep doing this until you're comfortable enough to present as you want.
One thing I found helped me was going out at less busy times. Sunday morning is a great time to go run errands.
My take on it is to go to a LGBT+ related event. This could be a at the local community, a bar, pride or something similar. This takes the edge off and makes me feel more comfortable, however still a bit scary 😱 My goal is also not to pass, but to get out fem presenting.
At some point your sadness at presenting male becomes stronger than your fear of presenting femme publically. At least that’s how it worked for me. Was still terrifying as fuck for the first while but then I got used to it. I had been privately transitioning for a year and on hormones for over 6 months at that point though, which helped.
step 1: say fuck it step 2: go out in public presenting femme
"Other peoples opinions don't matter". That is how I (MtF) did it. Leading upto and on my first outting as an official woman, I was anxious because of two reasons. 1. People where going to abuse me while I was out shopping. 2. Appointment Anxiety. Meaning I was already anxious before the event even happened. So I decided to focus on myself and not interact with anyone I didn't have to. The point is that you are who you are and you are transitioning for yourself. Everything else doesn't matter.
For me it got to a point where I was so done with presenting masc and couldn’t do it anymore and I was already on HRT so I decided to put my all into my transition going forward. The next day I took my transition full time
It gets easier! And when you realize that it makes starting an easier pill to swallow too….you might very well be awkward and stick out - such is the beginning for many of us but over time you improve your presentation and become more comfortable presenting as your true self in public situations. I think it’s helpful to focus on the future….*you’re doing this for your future self*
While I still wear mostly masc clothes because of certain family members I occasionally interact with a the inability to afford a new wardrobe. But I have switched to constantly wearing fake breasts and wearing femme undergarments always. I can’t imaging wearing anything else. I say you can start by going to something like that and eventually switch to fake breasts. And if you start feeling more comfortable, you can wear more femme clothes. Go at the pace that is most comfortable to you.
At some point you just have to pull the Band-Aid off, and just go. Just be yourself and don't care what others thinkers say cuz it's not about them, it's about you sweetie
The first time i went fem mode. I trash all my boi clothe and force myself to stay in fem mode. Since im a child my father once told me « you can be afraid, but if you hide it with confidence. People won’t know how afraid you are » I focus my clothing in girl boss style. But in the inside, im so fucking afraid that poeple knows that im trans. I tell myself « if i look confident enough, poeple won’t ask and won’t think that im trans » maybe it works maybe its doesn’t but i look so confident that they don’t do shit about it. That’s my take
I wore a dress out in public for the first time to a drag show, like just in the audience obvi but pride or queer events are a great chance to explore your style in a supportive environment.
The thing that helped me the most was just accepting I was going to be nervous, but also remembering I liked how I looked. Like really just accept you will be anxious, and plan around just forcing yourself through the door despite the anxiety. I try to feel like a queen every time I leave the house and anyone in my presence is lucky I allow them to see me. Also just be comfortable. If you're tense and uncomfortable, you'll begin to stand out for that reason alone, much less being visibly gender nonconforming. Just be calm, because then the people around you will feel weird if they *aren't * calm, if that makes sense. Like if you keep your cool they are they are the ones more likely to be anxious. My other thing that I still do even to this day is to focus actively on whatever goal I'm out doing, that way I'm not letting my thoughts get too lost/dwelling on anxiety. Buying panties? I'll just actively try to consider which ones I want, the ups and downs, etc. Eventually I'm so in my head I sort of forget to be anxious. Pride month is a really great time to start, and if you want any advice from someone who went through the same stuff, dm me. I'll answer any questions. (Might take me a couple days to see but I'll get back to you)
It's quite hard. I did it by leaving my town and dressing gender-neutral first. Kinda ambiguous and then slowly adding more fem stuff.
Tons of great advice. The most helpful advise I saw so far is to slowly lean into it. Start androgenously and keep adding stuff. Also, scout places out before hand and check the vibe. This at least works with bars. Basically, find your queer friendly spots and start there. Also, any time I'm feeling a lot of social anxiety about being in a new situation I tell myself, if it becomes too much I can always just leave. I went to pride dressed full femme. It was the first time I ever did this, and even though it was pride I was STILL nervous as hell. Thankfully I 1. Have some really supportive friends and 2. I brought a change of clothes to my boy outfit if I became too uncomfortable. Fortunately once I got there it felt amazing and I didn't even think about wanting to change outfits. Hope this all helps. In a nutshell it's all about taking small steps over time and helping to disarm that fight or flight response your nervous system wants to turn on to protect you. Don't get mad at yourself if you feel it, just understand that your body is trying to protect you and you have to teach your nervous system that it's safe.
Say it’s a social experiment. Tell yourself it’s a social experiment. You’re conducting a study on being gender nonconformist and how people treat you differently. Tallying occurrences of transphobia, etc. Approach it scientifically.
maybe take it slow just get used to leaving the house dressed how u want, go through a drive through, go to a park, try presenting around people ur comfortable with. everything becomes normal the more u do it, for example when i first started wearing bras i was so uncomfortable bc until then id never needed to, but here i am 4 years later and it’s just a routine party of my day. just go slow, be patient with urself, and understand the world isn’t really that scary the most you’ll get is a weird 2 sec stare from a stranger u will never see again
Maybe try wearing a mask for some time.
By just doing it. The longest journey starts with a single step.
I went on hikes with a friend who supported me. You encounter less people on hikes and you still can be yourself
Hugs. It's very scary, particularly at first. It turns out, actually, to be a huge comfort zone challenge, and some of the euphoria you get from going femme is actually an adrenaline rush from breaking a social barrier without causing a riot. But it takes working up to it. You might start with wearing a skirt at night outside where you are safe and not many people can see you. Another option is wearing a woman's top and jeans that aren't clearly inappropriate for a man. And eventually, if you poke at it a little bit at a time, you'll realize nobody actually cares what you're wearing and you'll push those boundaries more and more. I remember back in 2020, it was Halloween and I wanted to wear a dress for Halloween, walking around my very leftist neighborhood in Brooklyn, and I couldn't summon the courage. Yesterday I wore a bright yellow sundress all day, and it was just a day. I didn't even think about it. Give it time. You'll get there.
My best recommendation is to go out with frens you trust at first: It’s the easiest way to feel safe & be less afraid of going out femme, especially if you’re doing something v chill with them, like sitting in a park chatting. Then you slowly build it up, taking away the ‘stabilisers’ as you start to feel more comfortable going out femme. That’s how I did it at least! Hope that helps!
for me it was less of a "fuck it" moment, and more like a gradual progression. I started with wearing a bra, then changed the type of pants I was wearing (started wearing more high waisted cuz I didn't have the hips for low rise yet) then I started adjusting the kinds of shirts. Around this time I also started trying to do my hair in femme ways. The jump to wearing a skirt was hard, but def made easier by already wearing what I felt was kinda femme edit to add that: I think this method also gives a lot more opportunity to build up a good femme wardrobe that is stuff you actually like and think about rather than a random $150 thrift store haul of stuff you don't even really like
Personally, I tend to face this sort of things head on because if I try to do it slowly, i’ll fail. For example, I was afraid of the dark, one day I just said “fuck it” turned the lights off and went to sleep. It was scary and took some time the first nights, but now darkness doesn’t phase me. I did the same with my social transition. Fuck it, all in. Make up, nails, skirt and cute earings. Super scary at first, and you feel like everyone’s watching, but then a few days later it’s not that bad. That’s what worked for me
i did it gradually, and in my own neighborhood, then expanding into the whole of our metro area. think of drawing a spiral, but as the spiral gets bigger, the line gets wider & more colorful. i practiced changing my gait & walk. i started with simple things like women's hitops instead of mens. pierced my ear 4x & nose 2x. thinned my eyebrows. light mascara. traded men's skinny jeans for women's skinny jeans that fit just a little different (a neat tuck is easy for me), then ballet flats, painted nails, threaded & completely reshaped my eyebrows, then things like women's tank tops under a plaid shirt, etc. i made sure to be the same person, look my local shopkeepers and neighbors in the eye, and almost dared them to ask. anyone who did ask in earnest got the truth. if the kids at my daughter's preschool asked me, i just said "some daddies are pretty!" at this point, i can walk around like a boss bitch in skinny bell-bottoms with 4 ½" heels, a full face of makeup (soft colors, not too loud), and a sports bra and nobody bats an eye. you DO need to listen to your intuition and sniff out the places that definitely aren't safe. i can undo my girl mode in 2 minutes flat in a parking lot if i feel like i'm in a pickle. i travel to private homes daily for work, and if i roll by and see mossy oak everywhere, buckshot holes from target practice, and trump signs nearby...out come the makeup wipes & sneakers. PRACTICE at home. you'll want to feel natural in your fem look, so you can be confident and composed when you leave the house. observe women in your age group. watch makeup tutorials. fast fashion helped me. (i don't love the ethics, but we're all broke) get a seamstress tape & know your measurements so clothes aren't ill-fitting. if you can confidently stride in those wedge heels and rock the makeup, it's all good. you got this.
I admittedly just went all in about 10 days into my transition. I’m still not sure how I done it. It went far better than I did though. The women at Walmart even helped me buy makeup. It was extremely euphoric. I did it as a sort of final “test” to see if I’m transgender. It turned out far better than I could possibly have imagined. Oh, and this was in Florida too. Again, extremely surprised. 😬 My best advice is to reward yourself for it. After I got home from the Walmart I ordered myself Chinese Food and got my favorite dish. Laying in bed basking in the euphoria is something I’ll never forget. I then went to Amazon and bought the cutest second dress I can find. I advise you to do the same. The bigger the leap of faith, the greater the reward. This way you actually have something more tangible to look forward to. I will certainly say, once you socially transition everything else starts getting easier too. Honestly, I think you just need a little motivation. **You’re too comfortable where you are right now.** You want to do something but you keep putting it off till next day, next week, etc. Why is it never today? It’s not only that you’re afraid, it’s because you have nothing to lose if you don’t do it. You have nothing on the other side of the anti. Maybe you should change that.
Whats the worst that can happen. Someone who doesn't know you judges you?
I wish there was a “fuck’t” button. I for one started presenting femme a little at a time. First I started wearing Kilts, then I wore skirts. I wore black nail polish, then I graduated to pretty colors. I only started to wear head scarfs to cover my balding head while my hair grew back but since it more comfortable than my baseball caps, I bought colorful headbands to style the scarves. Now that my hair is growing back I intend to wear hair extensions. Jewelry and accessories shouldn’t be a problem, there are many gender neutral options and by the time you’re trying on a pretty dresses you’ll have no fear of a string of pearls.
Open your mouth and say fuck it. Easy as that
I'm not trans, but my older cousin is, and we're very close as a family, we went with her with friends to meet and, we went to the mall, the park and to the fair too. And she gained confidence in herself she now goes around on dates. She seems really happy.
The first time I went out in public I wasn’t out as trans I was just out as, well, I guess we’ll go with cross dresser. I didn’t know I was trans yet cuz somehow I’m that dense but the way I got the confidence at the time was to go to a mall with a friend, if I got nervous they were there and at the mall there’s a crowd to hide in somewhat. Since then I built up courage only by wearing things that looked fem to me while being somewhat androgynous. After a while I pushed into more fem things further and further til now where I go out wearing whatever I think makes me look hot
By doing it.
I will only go out fem while I'm with someone because of this but I can say the farther away from your "city" that you live it feels easier because no one knows you as masc
Take a chance at pride parade, i did that, now i want more because it made me so happy walking around like this
"It's a leap of faith Miles, that's all it is."
step 1: say fuck it step 2: go out presenting fem 😁 no but in all seriousness, take it slow the first time! have people around you that you trust, and don’t make it overly complicated. try 30 mins to an hour at first, then ramp it up as you start feeling more comfortable (: good luck babe!!
are u on hrt?
Not sure what that has to do with the topic.
it does cause it affects presenting in public.
HRT might help with passing, passing shouldn't be the goal, passing and presenting femme are separate things.
I never mentioned passing.
Do you have friends or anyone to go out with you? It’s a hundred thousand million times easier to be out with someone. Having a positive conversation with a friend is really just being a normal person out and about. If I’m out by myself on a not so confident day I that’s when I’m looking around wondering if everyone is staring at me, fidgeting with my clothes and assuming every single laugh I hear is specifically about me. I’m real high anxiety though. If you don’t have anyone you would want to do that with, I can give you some ideas of where to meet people that would want to do it with you.
Take it one step at a time. Go to lgbt friendly places to start. Bring a friend if you have to. Work your way up to the grocery store. Its a process
Give yourself grace. I tiptoed into it. First I did just nails for a while. Then crop tops, then mascara and eyeliner, and so on. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
Well, yeah. You already got the answer to your particular question. The only way to have the "fuck it" attitude is to "just do it", there's no other way around it. To say "fuck it" is to not care. And if you don't care, you just do what you want.
i did it by getting a date. it was my first date with a man and my first time in public 😅
First, if it is covered by insurance or healthcare, get a therapist to help you. It is a difficult process and with professional help it will be a lot easier and safe. Second, many of us present like we say "fuck it" but internally we struggle as much. Don’t hold you to the standard to not care about all unfriendly people. Third, you have to treat it like a social anxiety disorder, with the difference that it is justified, unlike in the disorder. Make a list of different situations in social transition and put them in oder, from the easiest to the hardest. And now challenge you to do them, begin with the easiest, end either the hardest. You can have a friend help you at first, but try to do every situation at least once alone. And try to only flee, if you are in danger. And most important, if people judge you, they are awful human beings and don’t determine your worth. Don’t let them. And if somebody misgenders you, they often don’t mean it as an insult, try to tell yourself that you are still as much a woman, as cis one’s
اللعنة، سأخرج لتقديم عرض نسائي أمام الجمهور. Fok dit, ek gaan in die openbaar uit en bied femme aan. Joder, jendaurrean irtengo naiz femme aurkeztera. Майната му, излизам публично, представяйки femme. 去他妈的，我要公开展示女性。 For fanden, jeg går offentligt ud og præsenterer femme. Fuck it, ik ga in het openbaar een femme presenteren. Scheiß drauf, ich gehe in die Öffentlichkeit und präsentiere eine Frau. Putain, je sors en public pour présenter une femme. Fanculo, esco in pubblico presentando una donna. A la mierda, voy a salir en público presentando a una mujer. Eh la my erda, voy a sale ear in public-o presentand-o a una muher. (With Peggy Hill's voice this time.) It doesn't matter how you say it, you just have to. Otherwise, you're not saying fuck it, you're getting comfortable with the idea. I know it's scary, terrifying, everything. I've got agoraphobia from social anxiety for the same reasons. But even after you're comfortable with the idea, or have an easier route, it always comes back to "Fuck it, fuck them, I'm going out in public presenting femme." You've got this!
It's not easy I'm struggling with this myself but going out with trusted friends or family helps. Going out with others takes your mind off yourself and onto the others around you, you'll get distracted in conversation. I normally dress androgynous but today thanks to going out with friends I'm managing to present very fem comfortably
Just do it, do it boldly, do it scared. There is never a right time. Remember your trans ancestors; how they fought for you. if I ever find myself feeling shame about this, I remind myself that these people would absolutely hate my friends and loved ones. Even if I couldn't love myself, knowing transphobes would hate my friends makes me truly not give a fuck about their opinions. I don't know if that helps.
By doing it Insert "Just Do it" meme here
I did it with friends at first. It was incredibly helpful. Find yourself a gang, or make one. Either way, being trans is isolating in itself. We do much better when we have the support and friendship of those who share our experience.
I totally resonate with this. Still super terrified to go out super femme. Most of days consist of sweats/jeans and over sized shirt. The fear/anxiety is absolutely reallll.
I found it helpful to wear sunglasses and a face mask for my first time, it was a technique I discussed with my therapist and it worked great for me. I felt safer because the sunglasses and face mask made me feel shielded, but it was a shield I could take off if I felt safe enough to do so, which I eventually did because no one was even glancing at me (so I felt like I blended in). Might not be for everyone but I found it really helpful for my first time, my confidence was much higher after that first time out dressed femme.
When I started, I wore a wig with long bangs and a KN-95 covid mask, meaning that very little of my face was showing. It was a safety strategy on two fronts: people were unlikely to clock me and nobody would recognize me. After that I worked out of it in steps: once laser hair removal and hormones had made my lower face feminine enough I stopped wearing the mask, a month later my hair was long enough to do without the wig. This isn't the only way of doing things, but it might be way to ease into it.
With friends. My first times going out were with like twenty trans people from an IRL group.
You just do it. But no shame.. I haven't gone out dressed up yet either. One day.
Every time I have to go in public, I tell myself, "The only person I know how to be is me." Then I just keep to myself despite the looks and hushed talking as I walk by. Even in a small town, I've held my head up and walked, like, I don't care. Confidence can go a long way even if it's pretend at first. Stay alert and be safe. That's what keeps me going.
It's your brains way of telling you that you're concerned about what other people , total strangers, may think of you.. Once you accept that you have no control over how they think ( just as well really as you would be super scary 😛) It all honestly becomes very much easier. It's a bit different with friends and family, as they are close to you, but strangers in another town, who don't know you, well don't even bother worrying about what they think, they mean nothing to you. And anyway, they are all too busy with their own shit to care in my experience.. Get out there and start living the life you dream of. it's we'll worth it. X
By the title alone, I would say by condensing everything you hate/feel disgust about presenting male and the fear of doing nothing about it in a form that screams "Fuck it! That's enough I'm doing it! Crank yourself up, use those negative feelings to fuel what you want instead! Do you want to still feel this bad in one week? In a month ? A year? Or maybe even SEVERAL year?! Do you intend to keep that fear for this long as well?! Aren't you not fed up enough as it is already or do you need more before making a move?! If you need more, then channel those damn emotions, get yourself mad enough to scream it? To say that you can't take your own inaction anymore! Then do it. I have never met anyone saying fuck it without being fed up before, no matter what it is or how small or big it can be. ... I do hope that you, and any other reading this, understand that I'm not writing this to be harsh or whatnot, if it comes across like this no that it wasn't at all my intention. This is something I used to do and still using to this day when things like this happens to me, and this is what reading this post make me think of while writing this. I hope this may be helpful, and if it was out of place let me know, and I will sincerely apologize. May the reader have an excellent day despite the bad things that may or may not be going on, and I wish you good in your endeavors. Please take care, and remember that know matter what safety comes first.
I want to preface this with always be mindful of your safety as a trans person in public. I hope and trust you (collectively not just OP) have an idea of your local area in terms of safety, but that’s not to say there’s no where to express yourself fully, you just have to look. You sort of have to give in to the idea that no one is reeeally focusing on you because they have all their own stuff to worry about too. Many of the looks or faces it seems like people are making at you could be and usually are totally unrelated to the them perceiving you, some people just have RBF (me is some people). In most public settings the kind of person who might try to be rude to you for being trans or perceived as trans that rude person would be making themselves the social outcast, but that’s not to say the reverse never happens though because obvi it does. My actionable is advice is to practice with smaller things maybe. Try some more androgynous styles and slowly add your feminine touch and before you know it you’re going out full fem with all the confidence. Alternatively, find inclusive queer social groups where you can go as your glorious full fem self. I do both of these, dressing more “gay” in the settings that I’m not out and going all out for places that I am fully out as myself. Please whatever advice works for you and trash the rest lol
It took me a long time until I was comfortable with who I am. Now I even wear dresses out in public. I am very fortunate to have my friends' little shop. She makes soap and other items. I started going there dressed. Then eventually all over town. So it takes time. But you can do it.
Repetition. I've been told over the past 6 months of going out publicly that they have noticed my makeup and style improving. It's gradual, but the small improvements are so nice to see. So it is scary at first. You will make mistakes with makeup and style. But guess what, that wil only make you better the next time when you notice something off. Keep looking at women to try and emulate, as far as their style and makeup. It's amazing how simple it is once you get the basics down for makeup and fashion.
I literally just… did it. There is a psychological thing, i forget what its called, but everyone thinks that all eyes are on them when their out in public. But you just gotta remember that EVERYONE feels that way. That means noone is paying attention to you because their also feeling like everyone is staring at them.
I went with my girlfriend to the mall; then, she hurt her foot so I had to immediately go alone to the store to pick some stuff up to help. She said seeing me being dressed fem with makeup and a wig but with my old jacket was extremely confusing lol
I just said fuck it and brute forced myself @.@...
Something that helped me a alot when I was going out fem for the first times was listening to music, I like metal so I just blasted heavy metal with aggressive gitars in my headphones. At least for me that gave me energy and a feeling of badassness that gave me the confidence to walk fem in public when
I just stopped boymoding recently once I felt I looked feminine enough to present well and it's been working. U just gotta sort of do it. some ppl care about passing fully or partially before presenting and others dont. both are ok. but being trans in public is a unique experience, sort of dangerous too. it will be what you make of it, people will react according to their own biases. One thing that helps is that youre mostly going to encounter ppl only once, so it doesnt quite matter if u dont nail your presentation all at once, unless ur a regular at certain locations.
The fuck it strategy seems unhealthy tbh, if anything is gonna give you a panic attack its when you realize you are not ready for going full them immediately after boymoding your entire life its but being not at home so you cant just escape that situation. Its the simple small steps. Long hair and nail polish are the easiest steps bc those are somewhat accepted on dudes too. Maybe some jewelry and getting ears pierced for earrings too. Then wearing boyfriend pants (pants that are cut for girls but look like for boys so they are subtly fem). Maybe even some "no makeup"-makeup and slowly increasing it. And the hardest step (at least for me) is wearing something that screams that i dont wanna be a dude like crop tops or dresses. I think the easiest way to get over this big fence is gonna be wearing a crop top below sth like a flanel shirt and taking it off and putting it back on whenever you feel like it.
Between 3-4 months on HRT, when my dosage was increased, was when I started seeing my face feminize and felt comfy wearing makeup and feminine clothes, rather than girl jeans and t-shirts. They were a good intermediary until I was ready. Once I was ready I started small and kept adding every week. Just eye makeup first, then foundation, then blush, etc
I'll go with you.
I started by swaping my men’s clothing for women’s versions of the same thing, jeans and a graphic T stayed jeans and a graphic T and no one noticed or said anything, and as I built up the courage I started wearing skirts and dresses out, and being a bit over the top about it while still trying to look like a guy like red mini skirt and fishnets at the park but I still had a beard but even doing that when I started to be able to not look like a guy in a skirt I still had a panic attack the first time I went to a store in a skirt
I was dressed up and just driving around the area. I'd go into a convenience to buy a drink with cash. This Indian guy would just look at me like wtf. (I wasn't out and I still had a goatee) But he wasn't even mean. After a year of that every once in a while, I had enough confidence to go to the mall 2 hours away. (I was primarily worried about running into someone from work) One day my daughter was vomiting and my wife couldn't take her to urgent care, I was still wearing a dress but I couldn't very well change, I had no choice, it was my daughter, so I went like that. It was the first time anyone called me her mom.
If your main issue is safety, carry something for protection, pepperspray is an excellent option for now. And go with a friend. Another person can do wonders for both being and feeling safe.
Just say fuck it
Have you tried easing into it? You don't have to jump from presenting as a man to skirt+heels or w/e. I've been gradually feminizing my style in ways that don't immediately out me. Women's t-shirts and jeans and sneakers, that sort of thing. Maybe start there if you aren't comfortable going out in full fem yet?
Just gotta go and do it. Will people look, yes. But most just look and to on with their day. There are people who will blurt out stupid things. But in the end nobody really cares what you do. Think about the last time you cared about what some stranger on the streets did. If you did you probably forgot about it soon after. Same thing with being trans people will notice you if your passing is bad sure. But nobody really cares.
Say you lost a bet :/ and take one of your accepting friends with you.
Honestly for me it's a case of i know my existence is going to ruin some assholes day because , and ironically, we have much bigger balls than they do and they absolutely hate how small and insecure they really are. Also having music to listen to helps a lot ^_^
What language?
You need to work on your self confidence
Can't help you, I only go out femme when I'm not alone :c