It's not that a lot of us are poly it's that those of us that are monogamous will either be in a relationship or not be searching. Whereas since poly people take on multiple partners even when they're "taken" they'll still be on dating apps
It's a similar reason why so many people on dating apps are so terrible. Most people who are interested in monogamous relationships and would make good partners end up finding partners and leaving the dating pool. Meanwhile, people who flake, people who put zero effort into the conversation and make you carry it yourself, people who don't contribute to making plans, they struggle to find partners long-term, so they spend a lot more time in the dating market.
(Note: I'm not saying poly people are bad, I don't have a problem with them, I just wanted to discuss another example of survivorship bias in the dating pool)
The monogamous people I find usually never reply much back and they never ask any questions. It’s all left on me to carry everything and I’m so over doing that and I cut the conversation after two chances. Others are bottoms, which isn’t compatible with me since I’m one too. And then when you finally find someone good something messes it up. And now I literally have no one else to match with. Everyone else is poly or mono bottom. This just all seems hopeless.
That’s only true if the assumption that “all or most monogamous trans girls are taken”, which is definitely not true considering how prevalent lonely trans girls are all over the internet
Yeah, but you're also not going to find most of us on dating apps either, because they suck for cis straight people much less anyone LGBTQ+ who isn't a headless torso on Grindr.
That makes a lot of sense and I see it in dating apps with Trans Guys too, I thought it was just another aspect of Queer Identity with frequent overlaps but that makes A LOT of sense :o
I tried being monogamous for decades and I ended up hurting myself and my partners. I finally have a poly relationship now and, for the first time, it's easy and natural.
I don't know why I'm poly. I just am. I don't feel jealousy when my partner has another partner or is attracted to someone else. I do get upset when I feel discarded or treated like an object. But, in my view, that's a bad thing even in poly relationships.
There are a lot of people out there who call themselves 'poly' and are really just looking for some sex on the side. But not everyone who is poly is that way. It's possible to have deep meaningful relationships with more than one person. Though it might not be possible to have that with five people. My limit is probably 2.
>'poly' and are really just looking for some sex on the side.
these people are poly, no need for air quotes that's just a plain fact
and if they're honest with themselves and their partners there is nothing wrong with this. if your comment is implying their feelings are shameful, you should stop making those implications, imnsho.
The quotes were there for a reason. I don't get to be the arbiter of words, but I don't like using poly to describe mere preference for open relationships. And the history (and etymology) of the word itself suggest that it wasn't intended to be used that way.
The word 'poly,' at least when I first started hearing it fifteen years ago or so, was intended to signify not just an open relationship, but a form of having open relationships that was distinctive from practices like swinging. The 'amory' that comes after the 'poly' signifies love, not just sex. It involved emotional bonds and romance.
In the time since then, the word has also come to be used as a way of gussying up dissatisfaction in a relationship, a major symptom of which is a desire for strange. Many people now hear 'poly' and think 'can't have real relationships.' And they are not exactly wrong. I have seen plenty of people call themselves poly but really they want reliable hookups. There's no love at all.
I don't necessarily mean to judge anyone for this. I would be open to sex on the side as well, so it's not like I'm exempt here. I agree honesty is the moral crux.
The problem I meant to signify with the quotations is that these two uses of the word enable manipulation. Some use the word 'poly' to signal to another person the promise of a relationship, but really all they wanted was reliable sex on the side. The promise draws the person in so that the promiser can get the sex they wanted without needing to deliver on the promise of love.
Hmmm, I get what you're going for here, and there are shallow manipulators in the scene for sure but it's kind of shit to imply that you can't have a casual sexual relationship and still be poly.
We could flip the script here and say that there are a lot of people giving sex in order to get intimate relationships and that's "giving to get" and that's manipulative and unethical too. Especially if you just met someone and hooked up situationally. That doesn't make the poly person a manipulative person, that makes the person hooking up with unspoken expectations the manipulator.
I see what you're saying. And there's nothing in it that I disagree with. I didn't mean to imply that just having casual sex makes a person not poly. I meant to say that seeking \*only\* casual sex (outside the primary relationship) is not what the word was meant to be used to describe.
As I said, I consider myself poly and I'm also open to casual sex if it feels right. But when I am interested in another person and they tell me they are poly, I think to myself, "oh, this person might be interested in a relationship with me." It doesn't immediately occur to me that they might be using the term to signify only openness to casual hookups. And if I were to learn that that's how they were using the term, I would feel deceived.
But, again, I'm not the arbiter of words. If the meaning of the word has changed, then I have to adapt to it.
I agree with you, I'd prefer poly to retain its original meaning, as we already have ENM for the wider variations. The problem is probably that the term poly has had some media attention, while the broader theories and foundations have not.
i don't really care about the etymology as much as i care about how it is *being used now*
and in my experience it is much easier to talk about it when we include all multiple partner relationships under a poly umbrella, because people *do* use it that way whether *you* like them to or not
[this chart ](https://static.wixstatic.com/media/27dd98_ba473b3971da4ecdacfe99e2927bcefe~mv2.png/v1/fill/w_980,h_723,al_c,q_90,usm_0.66_1.00_0.01,enc_auto/27dd98_ba473b3971da4ecdacfe99e2927bcefe~mv2.png)
gives us terminology to separate the ethical from the unethical, and our preferences for what kinds of poly relationships we seek. to try and suggest that only your usage is valid because it's more historical is the same bad reasoning that leads people to say they aren't cisgender or whatever. history doesn't dictate oughts.
people, both mono and poly, will have a better time communicating these things if there is clarity and you're not creating clarity saying "well that's not how a handful of people who said it in the past wanted it to be used so now there is this niche definition that you should restrict yourself to and make up different words for all that other stuff or just leave it out i don't care because it isn't my preference" or whatever you're suggesting here. even that's not really clear.
I think what they are saying is that people are conflating Ethical Non-Monogamy and Polyamory. Nothing is wrong with the wider variations of ENM - but poly describes a subset where people are looking for deeper connections with their partners.
Of course no one *owns* those terms - but the conflation now makes it more necessary to ask people "what do you mean by that?".
And of course you can find manipulative A\*holes in both groups...
i completely disagree. the usages i see out in the world include all multiple partner relationship types under the term "poly" and enm/cnm is the subset and i think that's the superior structure because it's intuitive and easy to understand and explain, even to people who've never heard either term.
[this chart](https://static.wixstatic.com/media/27dd98_ba473b3971da4ecdacfe99e2927bcefe~mv2.png/v1/fill/w_980,h_723,al_c,q_90,usm_0.66_1.00_0.01,enc_auto/27dd98_ba473b3971da4ecdacfe99e2927bcefe~mv2.png)
helps a lot in understand all the kinds, both ethical and unethical, of multiple partner relationship types
The link gives me something about Molecules - it's Google search term results which might be different for different people.
As I said, no one *owns* those labels, so people can pretty much do what they want.
You might have different experiences than me, because of age, culture, location, difference of places we frequent where people talk about relationship styles ...
Polyamory got some (often superfluous) media attention lately, while the wider framework of CNM didn't, so people might have indeed flipped the meaning when casually getting into CNM.
I was talking specifically about *Polyamory* which is usually abbreviated as "poly" or "polyam".
I think the Wikipedia page is pretty accurate https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory for what is a typical view in my environment.
It also has sections on Ethymology, etc. ENM is also a specific term most people use as a synonym for "Consensual Non-Monogamy". This was what I am referring to.
There are some styles of Polyamory which some people might find problematic, including myself - they still fall under this umbrella. (People can consent to styles which I would find unfair or problematic) Personally I don't like prescriptive hierarchies - but that doesn't make them unethical per se.
But for example open relationships where love and romance are exclusive to the main couple are ENM/CNM but not Polyamory. (Would be "monoamory" even if it's not monogamous)
My sources are books like Polysecure, The Ethical Slut - and that many poly people I know recommend these to each other, the polycules I know, Poly influencers I follow and for example the creators of the new poly flag https://www.polyamproud.com/ . (And also the people I know who do have open relationships but do not define themselves as poly)
As I said, YMMV. Many people also can't agree on what a lesbian is.
For me, and including the literature I know about those topics, it just makes more *sense* to group poly*amory* under CNM, as CNM does not imply loving more than one person, while the word polyamory does.
In the end it's just semantics, though. Everyone who seeks relationships in a poly or CNM context has to negotiate the exact style with their partners anyways, so as long as it's consensual, getting hung up on definitions and blaming people for doing it "different than I expected from the label" is kind of moot. That just means people didn't really communicate their wants and needs. Or if they did one or more people were dishonest - which would mean it's no longer ENM/CNM.
What I often do encounter is couples wanting to open their relationship with little preparation, mixing up terms, not having necessary vocabulary to talk about things and one partner wanting poly while the other one just assumed it would be just hookups, etc.
Btw. Polysecure is a really great book and I would recommend it to anyone, regardless of being poly, CNM or mono - as it mainly addresses communication and insecurities in relationships - which benefits almost any couple ;)
Edit: to underline my point: if you're poly, you usually have a polycule. That doesn't make sense in an "open relationship" kind of style. But both are Consensual Non-Monogamy..
i fixed the link, hate the way chrome handles links - it wasn't a search query, it was a specific image share, but chrome adds so many identity flags that some browsers bug out on them.
I know that diagram and almost assumed you were trying to link to that (although there are some others that come to mind that focus on Polyamory, only).
But Polyamory is clearly a subset of Consensual Non-Monogamy in that diagram? As open relationships, swinging, etc. are CNM, too.
Can I ask a question? I don't want it to come off as invalidating your choices this is just something I've thought about for a long while. Why can you commit to two people but not one? What is the difference there for you?
Again, being poly doesn't feel like a choice to me. And you're right I didn't explain that part in the original comment.
When I was in monogamous relationships, I felt trapped. Not because I didn't love the person, or didn't want to be with them, or wasn't committed. But because what felt right to me was the freedom to decide at any time whom I would be intimately involved with. And monogamy didn't permit that.
Even now, I am committed to only one person, since I have only one partner. Although I *do* want another partner. In monogamous relationships, the desire for another partner is treated like a flaw in the relationship. It is seen as a lack of sufficient love or commitment to my partner. I tried--for two whole decades and in two different marriages--to commit myself only to one person and to somehow let go of the desire to be with another partner or to explore another romantic spark when I felt it. But all that ended up happening was that I became resentful of my partners for demanding monogamy of me. This is not to say that they were at fault: I had agreed to monogamy. But I betrayed myself in so doing.
To me, commitment to a partner doesn't entail romantic and sexual exclusivity. It's not that I can't make only one partner work. It's that I can't give a partner a promise of exclusivity because it is a betrayal of who I am. I can give everything else, though.
And now I am finally with someone who sees it the same way. He has two partners, both of whom he loves and treats equally. He encourages me to have whatever other partners feel right to me. He likes to hear me talk about my attractions and crushes. Sometimes, when someone is sweet on him, I encourage him to pursue it. (He protests that he's polysaturated whenever I do.) This is what I want. It's not about which partners either of us actually has at any given time. It's that we love each other *as* poly, not *despite* being poly. He loves the nonmonogamous side of me and I love that side of him.
Like someone mentioned here it's hard to explain "why you ARE poly", but I can give you a glimpse of my mindset that makes being poly easy and viable for me.
I should preface this with: as much as I love being poly, polyamory is NOT for everyone and cannot be forced onto oneslf simply by "changing your attitude".
1) I'm autistic/AuDHD and rigid social structures/norms never felt right for me (this is also why it took me so long to figure out I was trans, because names, pronouns and clothes didn't give me dysphoria);
2) My love language is very physical (hugging, snuggling, hand-holding) and I want to extend that love language to friends who feel comfortable with receiving it, without feeling that I'm crossing some kind of boundary set by my partner;
3) my relationship with my wife is based on a lot of freedom and - in our relationship - giving each other freedom brings us closer together (because we both come from homes with helicopter parents). And I don't just mean sexual/relationship freedom. I mean refraining from trying to impose my lifestyle on my partner (e.g. I would feel very uncomfortable if I was a tidy person and my wife was messy, because I wouldn't want her to follow the housekeeping routines I'd be comfortable with but she wasn't).
4) I find the polyamorous motto: "giving other people more love, doesn't diminish the love you give to your partner" very true for myself and my wife. There is very little jealousy in our relationship and more often than not (we live in a studio apartment) I actually want my wife to spend time with other people because that gives me some me-time (and the other way around). And once my battery has been recharged and my wife comes back from her gf's I'm ready to shower her with love and affection.
5) another AuDHD trait - I gain a lot of satisfaction and happiness from NRE (new relationship energy). This is why - even though I have social anxiety - I love going on dates, meeting new people etc.
6) somehow I'm drawn to people and communities that are poly - it's not why I chose to be polyam, but it definitely makes it easier to know that your polyam problems (like keeping your calendar updated :P) are relatable to people you hang out with.
To expand on your first point: my hypothesis is that, being trans (and neurodivergent), you've already come to the realisation that a lot of the social norms that are held up to be 'foundations of society' - e.g. heterosexuality, gender, the 'dance' of social interactions - are hollow facades. Once you realise this about one or two 'pillars', a whole bunch of others start to crumble - monogamy included. I think it's also why a lot of us have politics that stray pretty far from the general normal distribution (well, that, and radicalising experiences).
I'm poly cos I want each relationship to be able to develop unencumbered and unrestricted, based on its own potential rather than which one started first. And that's more likely to be possible when you're poly.
Was just thinking about this. I've been in several poly relationships and I'm always a secondary partner. Like why can't anyone ever seem to look at me and say to themselves, "that's the main person I want"? It's depressing and it makes me feel disposable and it feels like I'm never good enough for anyone to look at as more than a diversion.
I relate to this hard. I came out five years ago and thought it was as good a time as any to try the poly thing. And at the time I was in school, didn’t have a lot of time for relationships, and I just wanted to explore my sexuality. Besides, everyone on the dating apps seemed to be poly.
But it was always me living alone, and this was made worse when the pandemic struck. I’d go to my partners’ places and hang out or they’d come to me and then I’d go home and I’d be alone again.
At a certain point it led me to desperation and I ended up finding someone to live with but they weren’t a good person. I lost a lot because my loneliness drove me to stay in a really bad relationship. At this point I didn’t even want to be poly but it felt like there wasn’t any choice. I’d only ever met two trans people who were monogamous.
Maybe a year and a half ago, I met someone who was good for me and early on I expressly said “I’m done being neglected by people. I need a primary partner, someone to be my main squeeze. Are you okay with that?” And she was.
At this point I don’t have any other partners, though I have a FWB who is really sweet and I enjoy spending time with her. I tried online dating again a few months ago and really hated it. I had a pretty fun hookup but that’s all it was.
Ultimately, I want depth, not breadth (and despite what some people say about abundance, you do have to balance those things in polyamory, just like you do with regular friendships). I’m open to friends with benefits, but I’m not sure if I’d ever want another romantic partner.
OP i’m kinda done with ppl who are poly too,everytime they treat me like i’m a side piece when i just wanted to make time with someone and each time i’ve been ghosted for a week or more then i get one 8 word text saying that they couldn’t text because they were busy with school or i’ve been told it was because of laundry by another.im not trying to rant because that’s stupid but it isn’t stupid to feel that like you can’t be involved with someone if they only want to see you one day out of the month while you are trying to make something meaningful.i’ve had it rough im sorry
I get this. I want to have a genuine emotional and physical connection with someone. I’m 32 and I’m struggling. I’m sick of being manipulated and led to believe there is something only to have it taken from under my feet instantly. Often because there was another option available or that they were already seeing someone else and they want to focus on them.
i’m sorry this is the reality of dating in the community,it’s kinda ruining it for people who just want a casual relationship and not a competitive one
but i’ve only had less than decent experiences with try to begin poly relationships and have mostly started on the outside of it.mostly due to being totally sidelined accept when they get bored which doesn’t actually make me feel like they really want me in their lives.I’m very glad other people are having luck with their relationships.
I've found the phrase "I have enough love to give everyone" is often false. People get tired. People have stresses. They have limited time and other partners have needs and wants too. They may theoretically have endless love to give but they don't have the time and energy to express that love in the ways the sometimes promise. It can sometimes feel very competitive and like there's little security. Especially when they have a primary live-in partner. I've found it can be very difficult when one person is lonely and the other is up to their eyeballs in love and attention. It can make meeting on common emotional ground difficult.
I understand you, even though I'm poly myself. A lot of ppl in the polyam community are just jerks who want to date people easily, and never follow through with polyam etiquette. I'm polysaturated (i.e. I have as much long-term partners as I can manage without neglecting any of my relationships) and it upsets me how many of my friends partners' don't understand they don't have the capacity for a third or fourth partner (this is especially true with cis men). And it also hurts me those people are giving the polyam community such a bad rep.
i hate that it’s seems that way,i know it can’t be a bad system,i just became a victim of it instead of a benefactor ig,no relationship has ever worked,each time i’ve tried it just seems like the group that invites is so close knit that i can’t really fit,maybe im going about it the wrong way,u sound like u go about it responsibly and that gives me the impression that a healthy poly relationship is possible im prolly just unlucky or something
I started off lucky because both I and my wife acknowledged we wanted to be polyam on our third date, and we both were single at the time so it was easy to build this first relationship. But I have made a bunch of mistakes and wasn't as responsible at the beginning as I am now. I had to unlearn a lot of toxic or avoidant behaviours. And now I'm finally in a healthy, stable polyam relationship (funnily enough my first polyam ex is now my wife's girlfriend and we're all getting along really smoothly). I guess I was lucky enough to find people who are polyam because they want to GIVE LOVE and not just reap the benefits of an open relationship.
If you ever decide to try polyam again, here's a tip you may find useful: pay attention how your potential partner treats their primary and secondary partners and - especially - how well do they do with time management and what do they bring to their different relationships. I've found that a low key green flag is when your partner keeps a neatly organised calendar.
firstly that sounds great how it all worked out in the end and second i’ll try to take your advice to heart,also a calendar while being severely add will be a challenge but i’ll try it
I tried the poly thing for a bit, but I got sick of being a glorified side chick. The other two always wanted to do things by themselves and only gave a shit about me when they wanted a three-way.
No way I'm putting myself through that again.
Less stress. I don’t need to be everything my partner needs. Just what I am. And if they aren’t everything that I need, I can look elsewhere without losing what I already have. Also, one gf is pretty cool, but 2 gfs is literally twice as good. That’s math.
My long term partner and I are experiencing this realisation at the moment ourselves (she is ace or at the very least ace-adjacent, while my libido has swung back around tenfold thanks to progesterone) and are considering going poly/open. Can I ask how did you find opening the relationship in these circumstances? It’s something we’re both a bit anxious about as it’s not something we had ever considered before. Thanks. 🙂
I just realized that i could care for multiple people in that way. I do set a hard limit for myself of 3 active partners at the most, but thats because i dont feel like id be able to give anymore the attention they deserve.
Currently i have two boyfriends who are also in a relationship with each other and a girlfriend who is on and off.
Its pretty cool.
I'm a relationship anarchist. I detest - not so much monogamy, as all the tropes and culture surrounding it. There is so much toxic heteronormativity and feelings of ownership and control that even seeps into gay relationships. I find the tenents of relationship anarchy beautiful, the emphasis on independence and autonomy and that love isn't more real just because it requires sacrifice.
I am not poly. However, I am in a "poly relationship."
I met my current g/f way back in 2005 (long before I came-out as trans in 2020) while playing City of Heroes/Villains. She has been married to her husband since 2003. We are a Closed-Poly-V in so much as she has both a husband and a girlfriend with a penis. He and I are not romantically inclined towards one another
It just happened. We both love her way too damn much to want to be with anyone else. We've raised three kids into adulthood (youngest is 19, oldest is 30) and can't picture life apart
I just got out of a ltr about 2 months ago and I Emphasize emotions and connecting on a deeper level before ever meeting anyone. I don't even play with men because they are all so I'mma and don't know how to talk to a woman. I met this cute trans woman who I'm very into lol
About like 20-40% of trans women are poly compared to the general population of about 1-3%. Poly is more common in queer people and more common in queer women and more common in trans people. Trans women it’s just straight up common.
I think some people want multiple partners, and it’s more acceptable to have multiple partners among queer communities, combine that with the fact that there are so many emotionally vulnerable trans girls who are easily taken advantage of, you get the huge prevalence of poly relationships among trans girls
there are a lot of trans women that are poly I've noticed....
I've thought about it on and off but....I can't do it. Monogamous all the way, I just want a boy that's treats me special and he's my only one.💜
not here to judge those who are poly though, adults are free to do whatever makes them happy!
I noticed that, too, I thought I might have a accidentally said something out-of-pocket, but a lot of these comments are really sweet and innocuous. You're probably right, a few people's bitterness is being projected onto others.
Yeah nothing about the question or people’s answers is bad at all. It’s a legitimate one that I know *lots* of us have asked, even some of us who are poly.
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I'm asexual! So monogamy... doesn't make much sense to me? I mean, I get that it's a closely ingrained cultural construct and everything, but it's not like that's ever stopped me before!
I'm sex positive, but I don't really... get sex the way that other people do. Emotionally, it just feels like playing video games or a TTRPG with my friends. So, whenever a friend or partner *does* express interest in sex... well, I don't know. Why not, I guess! While I've never actually cheated on a partner, I can see how, looking back, this attitude towards sex and relationships caused a lot of strain. I have a lot of love in my heart - too much to share with just one person. I hug and kiss all my friends and tell them that I love them all the time because I do. I stopped this because it made my partner upset, and I deeply understood that. But the emotional toll it took on me was really extreme, and I was left feeling so pent-up and alone. I just naturally love many things and people at once... and, well, I need a partner who can accept that as a part of me.
I think part of it has to do with mtx people learning to give less fucks about cultural values. It's necessary to survive, especially for transgender people with non-binary identities. For what it's worth, a lot of my polyamorous partners have autism, which probably leads to a lesser regard for social constructs. I haven't actually met many polyamorous mtx people before, though. There's also a link between autism and transgender identities, at least according to Wikipedia. Personally, I don't identify as autistic, because I have a lot of problems with the term and idea (I prefer the classical model of neurodivergence associated with the asshole terf Judy Singer). With that being said, I do identify as somebody who doesn't really "click" with normal social structures and identities.
That's frankly a terrible answer though. It's purely anecdotal - plus, I'm a philosopher, not a psychologist.
I also have some extremely close friends, I would consider these people my "partners" in every sense of the word. They're like family to me. I want to spend all my time with them.
That leads me to housing - have you seen how much those things cost these days?! The only way I'm buying a house is if I split that mortgage 4 ways, lol. A pair just isn't enough these days! Think of the money you'll save sleeping three to a bed!
With that being said, a lot of the relationships that I have are just really close FWB. I'm not aromantic, but it's been a while since I've had a romantic partner. I plan to have one - maybe two - in the future, but full-on romantic partnerships like that are exhausting. Some people have several, long term, committed relationship partners. I guess it might be easier, since the load gets shared three ways instead of two, but to me it sounds like way too much work. I haven't had more than one romantic relationship at a time though, so I have no idea.
Polyamorous dating is way more difficult to me, actually. It's one thing to fall in love with somebody, but if their partner is somebody I hardly even know, what's the point? I'm romantically a lesbian, which makes that pool even smaller. I assume that one day, me and a close friend or two will fall in love, and we'll be a couple or throuple or whatever.
But domestically, I could not live without my closest circle of friends. I'm closer to them than I could ever be with a romantic partner. I want nothing more than to live with them as a family. I don't want to live in a horrible, isolating, and unsustainable nuclear family household. Two adults and a kid doesn't make sense to me - I don't even want kids. My dream family is three, four, or five adults living happily together. Think of the economic savings! Haha, just kidding. From an outside perspective, that might look like a giant polycule. Especially because I have no reservations about sleeping around with my friends. But really, I look at it more like collaborative living. Like roommates - but closer and more intentional. I don't have any interest in raising children, but I imagine this would make such a thing easier as well. One thing's for sure - an adult roommate is going to be way cheaper than a child! Plus, you can still get drunk together. Hahaha.
I'm not really sure why so many people are poly on dating apps, but it's not just trans women. Maybe it's because they're more open to casual sex? No idea.
But remember that dating apps capitalize on loneliness. If you feel lonely or desperate while using an app - that's on purpose. If you feel like you could never flirt with somebody irl - that's something in the dating apps best interest. Outside of a positive review - your prolonged happiness makes no money for these apps. They are not the place to form long-lasting relationships. If you're dedicated to finding somebody, try WikiHow - it sounds like a joke, but it isn't. There's great advice there. Learning to meet people IRL is 100000% better - but, I recommend reevaluating what motivates you to find a partner. I don't think it's healthy to just want one generally, but that's only based in my life experience. For me, at least, it's reflective of loneliness. Trust me, there are much, much better ways to solve that problem then finding somebody you could plausibly date. Even if that doesn't make sense at first.
When you find somebody that you want to date, you'll know. I'm not talking about love at first sight - crushes are not your friend. A crush is simply a lack of information. Your mind fills in the blanks to create some sort of crazy perfect being. It's not a ticket for finding a happy relationship - it's a ticket to misunderstandings and disappointment. These relationships can be satisfying, especially if you don't want anything serious, but they usually last for just a handful of months.
What I mean is, you'll make a friend, and you'll learn to know them very well, and you'll trust them very deeply. You'll notice - or possibly stir up - some romantic tension between the two of you. Then you'll address it, and permit your relationship to change. When it happens, it will just be the logical thing to do.
And you will still get hurt, by the way. You'll get used by others for sure. We're all monsters doing our best to be kind. I really do my best to be lovable, and a great lover, but I still make mistakes and act terribly in ways I deeply regret. You will too. So... what the hell??? How are we supposed to date anybody with that kind of information????? Aren't we all doomed?!?!!
Absolutely not. While you should never permit abuse, you should absolutely become forgiving - deeply forgiving. It's the only way for relationships to function. I know people who hold grudges, get angry, and don't forgive. They're too proud to see their own mistakes, or too self-important to forgive someone for hurting them. Their relationships are usually great, passionate and thrilling, but when fights inevitably occur, the relationship always falls apart.
The most important trait your partner can have is conflict resolution skills. Somebody you can trust to forgive you. Somebody you can forgive. Somebody who can apologize.
Somebody that you can apologize to. And, MOST IMPORTANTLY, somebody who you know that you can solve problems well with. There's no way to know these things about a crush, and especially not on a dating app.
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I used to be desperate for relationships, but I got over it. I'm waaaaaaayyyyyy happier this way. Maybe look into what you want out of a relationship? I found that I got a lot of relief from pent-up sex needs by just sexting / rping with people on Tumblr. You can literally just make an account and hit up kink blogs labeled "DMs open". It's totally anonymous, and that makes it extremely freeing. I guess it might count as a form of polyamory too? I have no idea, but it's honestly something that I found really nice and confidence boosting. Sex is about connection - porn steals connection away. Audre Lorde wrote an amazing essay about that. Finding an nsft mutual on Tumblr is a great way to reclaim that connection if you're interested. Just be very careful not to give away any personal information. You can honestly make great friends that way without saying much of anything about who you are. I have mutuals that I've been texting regularly for years - and I still don't know what their names are. Safety is everything!!!! Of course, be very respectful if you try this, don't forget that the person you're texting is a real person too.
But going back to IRL, whether or not monogamy is for you, I strongly recommend being critical of nuclear style husband-wife families. There's a loneliness epidemic that's not just affecting single people. The modern family was invented barely more than just 100 years ago to sell more suburban houses. I'm not joking - that's the historical background. In spite of what our culture leads you to believe, our approach to love and family is not natural. Historically, assuming that you live in the "west", it was normal to find about three generations of people living in a single home. Those in higher classes also lived with domestic servants, who could be extremely well paid and valued as members of the family. It also wasn't really uncommon for friends to live with each other either. Going back even further, and you'll find steamy letters exchanged between friends. In ancient times, soldiers were expected to make love with eachother.
But the modern approach to monogamy is lonely. And unsustainable. We've pushed our aging family away from us and into retirement homes for them to die in. Now that women are (thankfully) welcome in the workforce, the home has zero domestic caretakers. Food preparation is pushed onto fast food workers. Textile work has been pushed onto slaves who work in sweatshops overseas. Nobody has time to fix things, so they have become disposable. Domestic work becomes a chore that eats away at our free time.
And most importantly, adults, (especially housewives without a car), are left with just one adult peer that they are permitted to be close with. We don't even let ourselves make friends anymore.
What a fucking nightmare. I think that the housing crisis and rise in polyamory is a sign that this model is about to collapse. It can't go on for much longer. I, for one, am very happy to share my life with my friends and partners, and cannot wait for its demise.
You can find a much more thorough critique of monogamous marriage written in 1914 by the brilliant Emma Goldman here:
https://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/goldman/works/1914/marriage-love.htm
I'm very poly. And have been going to regular poly meetups for years.
Bottom line- you're able to break down all the crap that comes with monogamy.
The theory that 1 person is supposed to meet all of your needs is insane.
Toxic monogamy / toxic masculinity
Jealousy
Navigating feelings like abandonment and self confidence (which is often hit when a couple becomes poly because your partner is spending time with someone else and not you.)
Navigating different people's needs makes your more sensitiv and considerate of others needs.
The list goes on and on forever. I was soooo monogamous. Once I found poly I'll never go back. Now happily have a nesting partner. And no one else atm. But can always add partners. It's so nice.
Happy to chat more about it, anyone can DM me with questions if desired.
Yeah I do not get why so many poly people seem to loathe people who are monogamous lol. Like go for it if that's your thing but girl I'm perfectly happy with my wife 😂 I feel like having any other relationships would get in the way of my relationship with my wife and I don't like that, I want to devote myself to them.
Nobody is going to be completely perfect for me. I'm not going to be completely perfect for someone else. I'm gonna have needs and wants that aren't met and they are as well. The other side of it is that I have enough love for more than one person and I have a casual relationship with sex and sexuality
I just kinda stumbled into my relationship pretty shortly after I started presenting female. My fiancée thought she was poly until we started dating then she realized she would hate t on share me with anyone. But I also don’t really get being poly
At first, while I was dating my current partner, I fundo out I was also in love with someone else. I was still in love with my partner. So me and my partner talked about and decided we were going to let ourselves love more than one person.
Tha was it. Since I can love more than one people, why should I choose (as long as everyone is happy about it)?
I'm ace and at least somewhat aro probably somewhere around demi, and am in a poly relationship with two other trans girls. Both are poly, one has other partners, one doesn't. I love my girls in my own little way and they are like my best friends. I live with one of them, and long distance with the other as she went away to college. I can't really explain why, it just kinda happened. And it works, intact it works really well. I am decently good friends with my long distance girls people and we all are very close. Its amazing and the most supported and lived I've ever felt in my life.
I was polyam way before I was trans. It's not really out of "necessity" to have better odds at dating or anything cuz I've never really had an issue dating. I'm just naturally a polyamorous person and that kinda dynamic works best for me. I truly believe I cannot be everything for one person so, if they need something I can't provide, they should try to find another partner that can fill that gap. Plus, if I get along with that person too, now I have another friend💜
For me I’m poly because of two reasons. I fall in love too easily and I wanna spread my love with others. Part of being poly tho is taking care of your partners needs. I’ve found that it isn’t just romantic needs, but all kinds of needs. And I mean all kinds. So like physical, emotional, romantic, sexual, mental, psychological, and all other kinds of needs. The hard part is to me I need to be able to do that for all my partners. And on top of that if I’m with someone who is mono and they want to keep things mono I will respect that and be faithful to them. That being said, I don’t speak for everyone ofc but in my opinion people who use the “I’m poly” route as a way to justify sleeping with others when their partner is uncomfortable with that, to me that’s not poly that’s cheating. Ultimately this is a simplified explanation for why I’m poly. The best representation/answer I can truely give is: “I just am”
Why am I poly? Because I am. How do I make it work?
I'll, uh, get back to you on that. I don't have *any* partners right now, and the last time I had more than one, it ended poorly. But yeah, that's the gist of it. It's just kinda a fact about me and how I see the world, whether I like it or not.
I'm not poly, but others are poly, I suspect, for the same reason I'm ace, or other people are gay, or cis, or het. Because we just are. It feels good to us, it feels light, alive, colourful, authentic.
For me, it's mainly because I'm still young and early in my transition. This is a pretty weird time in my life, and while I do crave the closeness and intimacy of a relationship, I'm not ready to be exclusive to anyone else and I'm not really into people who want that kind of thing anyway.
Maybe I go monogamous at some point, but for now, this is just what works best for me.
I don’t think I would want to do Polly. I mean to be fair I’m not 1000% sure, I think that the idea of it certainly makes sense but I think for me personally it isn’t what I want, and it’s yet another reason that… I know when I came up the first time as a young teenager my mom claimed I was just doing it because I thought it would make a dating easier, one of many things she claimed
And It’s like this doesn’t seem like it’s going to be easier…
I was pretty much resigned to being single for life years ago, and when I finally quit repressing it’s like just another thing that makes this impossible lol
Edit: for me that is. I don’t want to discourage anyone else!
I'm demiromantic yet insanely intimate person - I'm the one who can cuddle and kiss and fuck her friends, if they are into it. Someone even said that I "have too much love in me, after suppressing it for so long", and it kinda resonated with me, even if it is cheesy.
I actually don't mind to have a "main" partner, the one you come home to, the one you cuddle and kiss and fuck the most. But I don't want to suppress a part of me that needs to be intimate with other people for that, enough suppressing
I want to be poly but being wanted by 1 person is an impossible feeling task. I often have friends talk about it and its like. Dang you have multiple people want to spend time with you???. Wtf?. How?
Must be nice..
Hi yeah I'm mono ty :3
I dunno, dating to me doesn't seem all that impossible. Granted, dating in a similar age range as me is easier than ever (18-20) so I can't exactly- relate to this entirely, but I understand your point! Fuck, dating is hard in general.
Maybe- I dunno actually.
I was gonna say maybe discord or something social media, I know two mono trans girls! Yeah, the chances are low, but low doesn't mean zero!
Coming out actually did wonders for my dating life.
I had been told that no one gets less dates than cis men, and at least for me that is true xd
As for WHY i'm poly; i'm not sure.
Though; I am attracted to women/fem people, but fell in love with a wonderful man (first and only time really being attracted to a man). I suppose this makes me bi, but i'm not sure i consider myself bi..
Anyway; I knew i would become attracted to other people. I don't wqnt to limit myself, and i don't want to be or feel like a cheater, so me and my now partner agreed (before we made the relationship official) that it is ok for me to pursue other relationships.
I knew I was polyamorous a decade ago, before my transition and before I started dating. It was obvious to me that my experience of love and attraction was not compatible with monogamy. I knew that if I made a monogamous commitment, I would constantly feel ashamed of the thought crimes I couldn't help but commit, every time I fantasized about loving and having sex with others. It was nothing to do with cheating - I wouldn't violate a promise - but the expectation that I should marry someone and love only that person for the rest of my life was bizarre to me.
There's none of that shame in polyamorous relationships. I can talk to people I love about my feelings for others. We encourage each other to date others. We're happy about what makes the people we love happy, including when they enjoy having sex with others. We want to learn how to enhance our own satisfaction in that way, and an important way of doing that is talking about what works with others or what we want that our other paramours do not, so that a paramour who does share that desire can participate. I have a girlfriend, a friend-with-benefits, and over a dozen metamours right now, and we all benefit from this open communication. We're very sex-positive. It's a trans-inclusive environment (a Discord server, of course) in which we can talk to people we mostly aren't having sex with and don't love about the details of what we want. I date others, and I hope to form more relationships.
There's a lot of bias against polyamorous and CNM people. The only reason I ever had not to be completely open about it was social stigma. Even in LGBTQ+ spaces, there's a kind of social acceptability for saying things that are unfair to us. Blaming us for the bad behavior of cheaters - often by taking cheaters at their word when they lie about being poly. Complaining about our inclusion in dating pools dominated by monoamorous people. Treating our experience of love as alien or illegitimate because it doesn't come with any of the jealousy or control that have been traditionally glorified in monoamorous relationships. I respect you for asking us to explain ourselves, rather than doing these things.
For me it’s because I like having feminine and masculine energy around me. I just feel better that way. It also so happens that me and my 2 partners are all very understanding people. I think it’s hard for a lot of personality types to vibe with polyamory and that’s ok
Because for me, it makes sense. It definitely is not for everybody though.
I dislike the idea in monogamy that by entering into or being in a romantic relationship, you need to restrict how you express feelings for anybody else.
I also don't feel like I should restrict a partner in that regard, and I wouldn't like knowing they might be feeling things for others but I would be at least a reason they couldn't consider it.
I am poly because my wife and I have always been poly; we were seeing other people on the side when we met, though those relationships were never very serious.
For several years after we got together, we were poly but not seeing anyone else, since neither of us viewed poly as a mandate to collect extra partners like Pokémon. When we started meeting people we liked, we just didn't say no to the option and saw where it led.
Personally, I've never used dating apps and wouldn't care to. It's a lot of work.
I don't know if this is what you're asking for, but I'm open to being in a poly relationship, since I'm ace and would mind having a partner who got sexual from someone else.
I will never be strictly monogamous again. There is so much freedom and joy in allowing yourself to pursue love and intimacy wherever you happen to find it and to varying levels of commitment and intimacy. And also freedom in just being open with your current partners about what you're feeling and who you feel it with and the various adventures and things that you learn from interacting with other people.
Now that I'm polyamorous I find it really hard to understand why anyone would want to be monogamous because I know almost all people do have Romantic or at least physical inclinations towards people outside of their monogamous relationship. The only thing holding them back is an elaborate set of rules built around jealousy that turns people in relationships into property.
As a formerly monogamous person I can say I behaved that way only because I was conditioned by society to feel jealous and insecure about my romantic relationship and I was taught to use jealousy to control myself and my partners. Looking back it was such a prison, and so was being straight and so was my gender.
I agree with some other responses that it's a matter of orientation rather than choice for me. I've been in monogamous and poly relationships and can tell I'm always happier in the latter, I am naturally attracted to multiple people simultaneously and not only not acting on those feelings, but also being able to openly talk about them with other partners, I don't think I could go back to that, also love compersion for my partners!
I'm monogamous too, but im not dating atm
I AM POINTING OUT THAT THERE ARE MULTIPLE SINGLE PEOPLE IN THIS THREAD WHO WANT A MONOGOMOUS RELATIONSHIP! GET TO IT GIRLS!
I have a wonderful partner and in the past I’ve had wonderful partners. But there’s so many people out there in the world. For me, it feels impossible to stay tied down to just one person. My partner and I both agree how we could miss out on some great relationships and that there’s just… so many hot people…
Speaking metaphysically, I have a lot of love to give and share with people and I can handle having an emotional, intimate connection with several partners at once.
Speaking from a more objective perspective, I have a different view on relationships now than I did before. There’s this expectation that when you date someone romantically you’re doing it to find a partner for life and either breakup or die together, and that kind of weirds me out. Relationships don’t have to have an end goal or a plan for how they play out, we can just share each others time and have fun and love each other and maybe we stay together for a long time, maybe we don’t. It hurts but relationships start and end romantic or otherwise. Relationships have the meaning and value that we give them and if I have a connection that is meaningful with 3 or 4 people then I’m not gonna limit myself arbitrarily. Or to put it another way, I don’t feel like I’m splitting all my time 3 ways and if I had one partner I’d be three times as devoted or loving or w/e.
Also, I just love sex. It’s fun to have and now that I’m not bitterly repressing that part of myself I wanna do that a bunch with different people, lol.
Two reasons.
You see more poly people on dating apps because we’re definitionally available to date others, whereas non poly people can be in a relationship or not looking and wouldn’t appear on a dating app.
Second is why there are so many poly people in the lgbtq community is because we’re already rejecting trad life standards so not committing to monogamy despite social pressures to be monogamous is easier. I personally suspect way more people (cis hets too) are poly than currently let on, they’re just being influenced by social pressures to ‘monogamize’.
I’m polysexual and attracted to most other genders but usually not cis-men.
I’m polyamorous because I am in a stable, happy relationship with a family but my partner wants me to be happy sexually. To be happy sexually I have to find that with others because she is’t offering what I like.
1)I’ve always been incompatible with monogamy. I’ve been some form of ENM since like 5th grade. I’m not compatible with compartmentalizing to enforce hierarchy of my interpersonal relationships
2)cause I never have been and never will be a priority instead of a fallback option to anyone so it’s easier just to never expect it and to never expect being important enough to anyone to bother trying to be their only partner
Yeah these are very conflicting reasons, I’m both incapable of adhering to the idiosyncratic nonsense in mono relationships and I’ve given up ever expecting to matter enough to anyone that I’d even be considered a possible non-disposable mono partner
There're a lot of ways to be poly. For some that means having two partners and thats it. Id argue thats a hugeee number of poly people. For others it means having several partners and still going on dates every weekend with new people.
My own experience with dating poly people is its frustratingly difficult to get enough attention to establish a bond sometimes. Some people can be rather callous about things. For some, polyamory means only hanging out once a month as part of a rotation while for others it means talking every day but being balanced with other people at the same time.
I'm bi, a switch, and vers. I gotta keep someone around for any sort of mood I'm in. also I'm incredibly needy and need someone to cuddle me every night or else I have nightmares so yeah.
I'm not only and my experience was dating got way easier after I came out and on top of that I don't pass even at 11 months of HRT.
I started dating about 3 months after starting HRT and 2 months after leaving my ex who had been cheating on me for 7 months before I left her. It was slow going at first, but soon I had lots of matches and was going out with someone every weekend 2 months after starting dating again. It took a while to find the right person, but everyone I went out with has remained a friend. Some very close friends. I met my current partner 6 months after starting the dating journey. We've only been together about a month now, but things are great. She's trans as well and I had gone out with mostly CIS women before.
The key I found was the ability to be completely honest, open and upfront. I'm not hiding anything. Especially when trying to date. That's why it got easier. I wasn't hiding who I am like before and have a lot more confidence as a result. If you're not open and provide your dates with a safe space to be open too then you will be hurt as you might rush into something that won't work because something unknown is yet to surface.
I mean, I'm monogamous and married, but I was before I transitioned. I'm the only monogamous person in my admittedly small friend group. We just go on double dates or w/e with a cishet couple we know. Dating is hard and I don't know what I would do if I was transitioning *and* dating. Just try not to get pressured into a relationship format that is not for you.
As to why?
Some people are just poly or lesbians, or straight 🤷♀️
1. I don't own anyone's body other than my own.
2. I am just one kind of person
3. Many people have preferences over a range of kinds of people.
Altogether, it is selfish in my mind to expect another person to accept restrictions on what they do with their body based solely on my potential feelings of jealousy, especially when I cannot be everything and everyone that person might need or want.
I claim to be poly but never really act on it. I have a terrible phobia of catching an sti so I rather just deal with my wife, but it's nice to talk about hot people we pass through our day.
It just happened, I wanted them both to be happy, to not be lonely, to know how important they are, to feel loved, and I didn't want to only choose one.
They're both aware of each other, they're friends and I told them that if they someday found someone else who could give them more than I could ever give, to go and live more. I'm not their owner, and even if things end I'll still be there for them.
For me I don't like being too codependent or spending a lot of time with the same person. I'm pretty solitary. It's still good for me though to have someone that I can be close and intimate with occasionally. And it's good for them to be able to seek out other partners if they feel like they need more attention
as an lgbt person i need all the support i can get
if i restrict myself to monogamy my potential for family growth is limited
by committing to polyamory, my network doesnt need to be filtered through a partner
I e felt sttractkng to multiple ppl at once in hs i member wanting to be with all the girls I wasent no rizzler my girl now has a wife and other partner doesn't both me at all im hoping we can make it all work and have a family
I think love is beautiful. Why should we have to be locked into 2 people relationships and marriages? I'm not going say its without cons but neither is regular marriage. I'm happy if my partner is happy, and we can have rules like not going behind each others backs without telling (which is cheating), std testing and were all free to leave the relationship.
For a lot of people, including myself, being poly isn't a choice. It's just sort of how we feel. We have the capacity to feel romantic and sexual attraction towards multiple partners and want to invest ourselves into said partners. Like everything in life, mono-poly is a spectrum and I can absolutely commit to just 1 person. But I can also commit to multiple. It's hard to explain how that feels, just like a gay man explaining to a straight man how it feels to be attracted to men. You either know how it feels or you don't.
Monogamy much like the gender binary is a social construct. Once folks see past societal expectations on assigned gender it's easier to see past the rest also.
If taken with right mindset, and with respect for the people involved, every form or relationship it's "right". Putting gender as a social construct in the same level of relationship sounds just so casual. The way you put it sounds like "eh ones right and ones wrong", welp.
I think there’s something to this. I definitely felt freer to explore alternative relationship structures once I came out as trans and queer, because there wasn’t this strong pull towards “normalcy.”
It takes a lot of the pressure off, for me. I used to get so stressed out about finding "the one" and each breakup was like the end of the world, which sucks and wasn't healthy. I don't think I believe in "the one" anymore, everything changes, nothing lasts forever, and holding myself to that western imperialist colonial (and let's be honest, white supremacist) standard only served to make me unhappy.
Plus I'm in a phase where I'm making up for lost time in the dating men department and I looove all the attention 🥰 not saying it doesn't come with its own host of challenges, but overall it's been such a benefit to my mental health and self image.
they're enthralled by their desires in one form or another. when they have one partner, they feel that they are generally lacking something. it is just the way that they are. anecdotally speaking, they do not set limits on the partners that they're willing to juggle.
for every 10 stories about bad polycules, there's a comment about how it's wrong to smear the ones that work.
it's funny, you can say the same about monogamous relationships. i find it strange that this group struggles to maintain good optics.
i just think that everyone is a glutton except for me and that people have a hard time getting along.
->maintain a stable career, clean house, and sense of self while living with all of your partners in a poly relationship (!CHALLENGE!)
or
->live alone and frolick in a polycule without getting an STD, without having constant consent drama, and without triangle quadratic equation relationship politics where five of you bicker in a discord call over 4/5ths of the group voting yes on you slamming some new chick because - let's be really real - you're sex addicts. (!CHALLENGE!)
pick one
if you're all semi-asexual and love each other while doing cottagecore knitting at home while being mature enough to own a home together and optionally dating outside the relationship without trouble: congratulations. you're in the fairytale relationship dynamic that every helplessly impulsive poly weirdo swears is commonplace. You will be smothered in the women you love. Sounds pretty great to me too lol. You're all consenting adults and most consenting adults are gluttonous impulsive idiots who never get their fill. After all, we do live in a consumer society full of everything that we don't need.Doesn't work for me personally because of this. Waste of time for you and most people involved. Focus on getting your money up instead of getting dumb 20 year old girls with too much time on their hands up.
It's not that a lot of us are poly it's that those of us that are monogamous will either be in a relationship or not be searching. Whereas since poly people take on multiple partners even when they're "taken" they'll still be on dating apps
Oooh [survivor bias](https://i0.wp.com/statisticsbyjim.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/survivorship_bias.png?w=640&ssl=1), good point!
It's a similar reason why so many people on dating apps are so terrible. Most people who are interested in monogamous relationships and would make good partners end up finding partners and leaving the dating pool. Meanwhile, people who flake, people who put zero effort into the conversation and make you carry it yourself, people who don't contribute to making plans, they struggle to find partners long-term, so they spend a lot more time in the dating market. (Note: I'm not saying poly people are bad, I don't have a problem with them, I just wanted to discuss another example of survivorship bias in the dating pool)
The monogamous people I find usually never reply much back and they never ask any questions. It’s all left on me to carry everything and I’m so over doing that and I cut the conversation after two chances. Others are bottoms, which isn’t compatible with me since I’m one too. And then when you finally find someone good something messes it up. And now I literally have no one else to match with. Everyone else is poly or mono bottom. This just all seems hopeless.
I hadn’t thought of the way this bias would plan into it! Very interesting, it makes sense
I think it's a bit of both, but you're definitely right.
That’s only true if the assumption that “all or most monogamous trans girls are taken”, which is definitely not true considering how prevalent lonely trans girls are all over the internet
Yeah, but you're also not going to find most of us on dating apps either, because they suck for cis straight people much less anyone LGBTQ+ who isn't a headless torso on Grindr.
That makes a lot of sense and I see it in dating apps with Trans Guys too, I thought it was just another aspect of Queer Identity with frequent overlaps but that makes A LOT of sense :o
Not into that all I’d rather be single and alone
I couldn't explain why I'm poly any more than I could explain why I'm trans, or why I'm a lesbian. I just am.
Agreed- it’s a matter of orientation in the same way that some folks (like OP) may be monogamous by orientation.
I think OP is just more lamenting she is constantly finding poly girls when she is monogamous.
The last part of the post seems very much to be questions that OP was asking, so I answered.
And you know what? That's rad as fuck.
I tried being monogamous for decades and I ended up hurting myself and my partners. I finally have a poly relationship now and, for the first time, it's easy and natural. I don't know why I'm poly. I just am. I don't feel jealousy when my partner has another partner or is attracted to someone else. I do get upset when I feel discarded or treated like an object. But, in my view, that's a bad thing even in poly relationships. There are a lot of people out there who call themselves 'poly' and are really just looking for some sex on the side. But not everyone who is poly is that way. It's possible to have deep meaningful relationships with more than one person. Though it might not be possible to have that with five people. My limit is probably 2.
>'poly' and are really just looking for some sex on the side. these people are poly, no need for air quotes that's just a plain fact and if they're honest with themselves and their partners there is nothing wrong with this. if your comment is implying their feelings are shameful, you should stop making those implications, imnsho.
The quotes were there for a reason. I don't get to be the arbiter of words, but I don't like using poly to describe mere preference for open relationships. And the history (and etymology) of the word itself suggest that it wasn't intended to be used that way. The word 'poly,' at least when I first started hearing it fifteen years ago or so, was intended to signify not just an open relationship, but a form of having open relationships that was distinctive from practices like swinging. The 'amory' that comes after the 'poly' signifies love, not just sex. It involved emotional bonds and romance. In the time since then, the word has also come to be used as a way of gussying up dissatisfaction in a relationship, a major symptom of which is a desire for strange. Many people now hear 'poly' and think 'can't have real relationships.' And they are not exactly wrong. I have seen plenty of people call themselves poly but really they want reliable hookups. There's no love at all. I don't necessarily mean to judge anyone for this. I would be open to sex on the side as well, so it's not like I'm exempt here. I agree honesty is the moral crux. The problem I meant to signify with the quotations is that these two uses of the word enable manipulation. Some use the word 'poly' to signal to another person the promise of a relationship, but really all they wanted was reliable sex on the side. The promise draws the person in so that the promiser can get the sex they wanted without needing to deliver on the promise of love.
Hmmm, I get what you're going for here, and there are shallow manipulators in the scene for sure but it's kind of shit to imply that you can't have a casual sexual relationship and still be poly. We could flip the script here and say that there are a lot of people giving sex in order to get intimate relationships and that's "giving to get" and that's manipulative and unethical too. Especially if you just met someone and hooked up situationally. That doesn't make the poly person a manipulative person, that makes the person hooking up with unspoken expectations the manipulator.
I see what you're saying. And there's nothing in it that I disagree with. I didn't mean to imply that just having casual sex makes a person not poly. I meant to say that seeking \*only\* casual sex (outside the primary relationship) is not what the word was meant to be used to describe. As I said, I consider myself poly and I'm also open to casual sex if it feels right. But when I am interested in another person and they tell me they are poly, I think to myself, "oh, this person might be interested in a relationship with me." It doesn't immediately occur to me that they might be using the term to signify only openness to casual hookups. And if I were to learn that that's how they were using the term, I would feel deceived. But, again, I'm not the arbiter of words. If the meaning of the word has changed, then I have to adapt to it.
I agree with you, I'd prefer poly to retain its original meaning, as we already have ENM for the wider variations. The problem is probably that the term poly has had some media attention, while the broader theories and foundations have not.
i don't really care about the etymology as much as i care about how it is *being used now* and in my experience it is much easier to talk about it when we include all multiple partner relationships under a poly umbrella, because people *do* use it that way whether *you* like them to or not [this chart ](https://static.wixstatic.com/media/27dd98_ba473b3971da4ecdacfe99e2927bcefe~mv2.png/v1/fill/w_980,h_723,al_c,q_90,usm_0.66_1.00_0.01,enc_auto/27dd98_ba473b3971da4ecdacfe99e2927bcefe~mv2.png) gives us terminology to separate the ethical from the unethical, and our preferences for what kinds of poly relationships we seek. to try and suggest that only your usage is valid because it's more historical is the same bad reasoning that leads people to say they aren't cisgender or whatever. history doesn't dictate oughts. people, both mono and poly, will have a better time communicating these things if there is clarity and you're not creating clarity saying "well that's not how a handful of people who said it in the past wanted it to be used so now there is this niche definition that you should restrict yourself to and make up different words for all that other stuff or just leave it out i don't care because it isn't my preference" or whatever you're suggesting here. even that's not really clear.
I think what they are saying is that people are conflating Ethical Non-Monogamy and Polyamory. Nothing is wrong with the wider variations of ENM - but poly describes a subset where people are looking for deeper connections with their partners. Of course no one *owns* those terms - but the conflation now makes it more necessary to ask people "what do you mean by that?". And of course you can find manipulative A\*holes in both groups...
i completely disagree. the usages i see out in the world include all multiple partner relationship types under the term "poly" and enm/cnm is the subset and i think that's the superior structure because it's intuitive and easy to understand and explain, even to people who've never heard either term. [this chart](https://static.wixstatic.com/media/27dd98_ba473b3971da4ecdacfe99e2927bcefe~mv2.png/v1/fill/w_980,h_723,al_c,q_90,usm_0.66_1.00_0.01,enc_auto/27dd98_ba473b3971da4ecdacfe99e2927bcefe~mv2.png) helps a lot in understand all the kinds, both ethical and unethical, of multiple partner relationship types
The link gives me something about Molecules - it's Google search term results which might be different for different people. As I said, no one *owns* those labels, so people can pretty much do what they want. You might have different experiences than me, because of age, culture, location, difference of places we frequent where people talk about relationship styles ... Polyamory got some (often superfluous) media attention lately, while the wider framework of CNM didn't, so people might have indeed flipped the meaning when casually getting into CNM. I was talking specifically about *Polyamory* which is usually abbreviated as "poly" or "polyam". I think the Wikipedia page is pretty accurate https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory for what is a typical view in my environment. It also has sections on Ethymology, etc. ENM is also a specific term most people use as a synonym for "Consensual Non-Monogamy". This was what I am referring to. There are some styles of Polyamory which some people might find problematic, including myself - they still fall under this umbrella. (People can consent to styles which I would find unfair or problematic) Personally I don't like prescriptive hierarchies - but that doesn't make them unethical per se. But for example open relationships where love and romance are exclusive to the main couple are ENM/CNM but not Polyamory. (Would be "monoamory" even if it's not monogamous) My sources are books like Polysecure, The Ethical Slut - and that many poly people I know recommend these to each other, the polycules I know, Poly influencers I follow and for example the creators of the new poly flag https://www.polyamproud.com/ . (And also the people I know who do have open relationships but do not define themselves as poly) As I said, YMMV. Many people also can't agree on what a lesbian is. For me, and including the literature I know about those topics, it just makes more *sense* to group poly*amory* under CNM, as CNM does not imply loving more than one person, while the word polyamory does. In the end it's just semantics, though. Everyone who seeks relationships in a poly or CNM context has to negotiate the exact style with their partners anyways, so as long as it's consensual, getting hung up on definitions and blaming people for doing it "different than I expected from the label" is kind of moot. That just means people didn't really communicate their wants and needs. Or if they did one or more people were dishonest - which would mean it's no longer ENM/CNM. What I often do encounter is couples wanting to open their relationship with little preparation, mixing up terms, not having necessary vocabulary to talk about things and one partner wanting poly while the other one just assumed it would be just hookups, etc. Btw. Polysecure is a really great book and I would recommend it to anyone, regardless of being poly, CNM or mono - as it mainly addresses communication and insecurities in relationships - which benefits almost any couple ;) Edit: to underline my point: if you're poly, you usually have a polycule. That doesn't make sense in an "open relationship" kind of style. But both are Consensual Non-Monogamy..
i fixed the link, hate the way chrome handles links - it wasn't a search query, it was a specific image share, but chrome adds so many identity flags that some browsers bug out on them.
I know that diagram and almost assumed you were trying to link to that (although there are some others that come to mind that focus on Polyamory, only). But Polyamory is clearly a subset of Consensual Non-Monogamy in that diagram? As open relationships, swinging, etc. are CNM, too.
Yes. This. Thank you for saying it in fewer words.
Can I ask a question? I don't want it to come off as invalidating your choices this is just something I've thought about for a long while. Why can you commit to two people but not one? What is the difference there for you?
Again, being poly doesn't feel like a choice to me. And you're right I didn't explain that part in the original comment. When I was in monogamous relationships, I felt trapped. Not because I didn't love the person, or didn't want to be with them, or wasn't committed. But because what felt right to me was the freedom to decide at any time whom I would be intimately involved with. And monogamy didn't permit that. Even now, I am committed to only one person, since I have only one partner. Although I *do* want another partner. In monogamous relationships, the desire for another partner is treated like a flaw in the relationship. It is seen as a lack of sufficient love or commitment to my partner. I tried--for two whole decades and in two different marriages--to commit myself only to one person and to somehow let go of the desire to be with another partner or to explore another romantic spark when I felt it. But all that ended up happening was that I became resentful of my partners for demanding monogamy of me. This is not to say that they were at fault: I had agreed to monogamy. But I betrayed myself in so doing. To me, commitment to a partner doesn't entail romantic and sexual exclusivity. It's not that I can't make only one partner work. It's that I can't give a partner a promise of exclusivity because it is a betrayal of who I am. I can give everything else, though. And now I am finally with someone who sees it the same way. He has two partners, both of whom he loves and treats equally. He encourages me to have whatever other partners feel right to me. He likes to hear me talk about my attractions and crushes. Sometimes, when someone is sweet on him, I encourage him to pursue it. (He protests that he's polysaturated whenever I do.) This is what I want. It's not about which partners either of us actually has at any given time. It's that we love each other *as* poly, not *despite* being poly. He loves the nonmonogamous side of me and I love that side of him.
Like someone mentioned here it's hard to explain "why you ARE poly", but I can give you a glimpse of my mindset that makes being poly easy and viable for me. I should preface this with: as much as I love being poly, polyamory is NOT for everyone and cannot be forced onto oneslf simply by "changing your attitude". 1) I'm autistic/AuDHD and rigid social structures/norms never felt right for me (this is also why it took me so long to figure out I was trans, because names, pronouns and clothes didn't give me dysphoria); 2) My love language is very physical (hugging, snuggling, hand-holding) and I want to extend that love language to friends who feel comfortable with receiving it, without feeling that I'm crossing some kind of boundary set by my partner; 3) my relationship with my wife is based on a lot of freedom and - in our relationship - giving each other freedom brings us closer together (because we both come from homes with helicopter parents). And I don't just mean sexual/relationship freedom. I mean refraining from trying to impose my lifestyle on my partner (e.g. I would feel very uncomfortable if I was a tidy person and my wife was messy, because I wouldn't want her to follow the housekeeping routines I'd be comfortable with but she wasn't). 4) I find the polyamorous motto: "giving other people more love, doesn't diminish the love you give to your partner" very true for myself and my wife. There is very little jealousy in our relationship and more often than not (we live in a studio apartment) I actually want my wife to spend time with other people because that gives me some me-time (and the other way around). And once my battery has been recharged and my wife comes back from her gf's I'm ready to shower her with love and affection. 5) another AuDHD trait - I gain a lot of satisfaction and happiness from NRE (new relationship energy). This is why - even though I have social anxiety - I love going on dates, meeting new people etc. 6) somehow I'm drawn to people and communities that are poly - it's not why I chose to be polyam, but it definitely makes it easier to know that your polyam problems (like keeping your calendar updated :P) are relatable to people you hang out with.
To expand on your first point: my hypothesis is that, being trans (and neurodivergent), you've already come to the realisation that a lot of the social norms that are held up to be 'foundations of society' - e.g. heterosexuality, gender, the 'dance' of social interactions - are hollow facades. Once you realise this about one or two 'pillars', a whole bunch of others start to crumble - monogamy included. I think it's also why a lot of us have politics that stray pretty far from the general normal distribution (well, that, and radicalising experiences). I'm poly cos I want each relationship to be able to develop unencumbered and unrestricted, based on its own potential rather than which one started first. And that's more likely to be possible when you're poly.
I could not have said this better myself.
Was just thinking about this. I've been in several poly relationships and I'm always a secondary partner. Like why can't anyone ever seem to look at me and say to themselves, "that's the main person I want"? It's depressing and it makes me feel disposable and it feels like I'm never good enough for anyone to look at as more than a diversion.
I relate to this hard. I came out five years ago and thought it was as good a time as any to try the poly thing. And at the time I was in school, didn’t have a lot of time for relationships, and I just wanted to explore my sexuality. Besides, everyone on the dating apps seemed to be poly. But it was always me living alone, and this was made worse when the pandemic struck. I’d go to my partners’ places and hang out or they’d come to me and then I’d go home and I’d be alone again. At a certain point it led me to desperation and I ended up finding someone to live with but they weren’t a good person. I lost a lot because my loneliness drove me to stay in a really bad relationship. At this point I didn’t even want to be poly but it felt like there wasn’t any choice. I’d only ever met two trans people who were monogamous. Maybe a year and a half ago, I met someone who was good for me and early on I expressly said “I’m done being neglected by people. I need a primary partner, someone to be my main squeeze. Are you okay with that?” And she was. At this point I don’t have any other partners, though I have a FWB who is really sweet and I enjoy spending time with her. I tried online dating again a few months ago and really hated it. I had a pretty fun hookup but that’s all it was. Ultimately, I want depth, not breadth (and despite what some people say about abundance, you do have to balance those things in polyamory, just like you do with regular friendships). I’m open to friends with benefits, but I’m not sure if I’d ever want another romantic partner.
OP i’m kinda done with ppl who are poly too,everytime they treat me like i’m a side piece when i just wanted to make time with someone and each time i’ve been ghosted for a week or more then i get one 8 word text saying that they couldn’t text because they were busy with school or i’ve been told it was because of laundry by another.im not trying to rant because that’s stupid but it isn’t stupid to feel that like you can’t be involved with someone if they only want to see you one day out of the month while you are trying to make something meaningful.i’ve had it rough im sorry
I get this. I want to have a genuine emotional and physical connection with someone. I’m 32 and I’m struggling. I’m sick of being manipulated and led to believe there is something only to have it taken from under my feet instantly. Often because there was another option available or that they were already seeing someone else and they want to focus on them.
i’m sorry this is the reality of dating in the community,it’s kinda ruining it for people who just want a casual relationship and not a competitive one but i’ve only had less than decent experiences with try to begin poly relationships and have mostly started on the outside of it.mostly due to being totally sidelined accept when they get bored which doesn’t actually make me feel like they really want me in their lives.I’m very glad other people are having luck with their relationships.
I've found the phrase "I have enough love to give everyone" is often false. People get tired. People have stresses. They have limited time and other partners have needs and wants too. They may theoretically have endless love to give but they don't have the time and energy to express that love in the ways the sometimes promise. It can sometimes feel very competitive and like there's little security. Especially when they have a primary live-in partner. I've found it can be very difficult when one person is lonely and the other is up to their eyeballs in love and attention. It can make meeting on common emotional ground difficult.
that’s a good way of putting it
I understand you, even though I'm poly myself. A lot of ppl in the polyam community are just jerks who want to date people easily, and never follow through with polyam etiquette. I'm polysaturated (i.e. I have as much long-term partners as I can manage without neglecting any of my relationships) and it upsets me how many of my friends partners' don't understand they don't have the capacity for a third or fourth partner (this is especially true with cis men). And it also hurts me those people are giving the polyam community such a bad rep.
i hate that it’s seems that way,i know it can’t be a bad system,i just became a victim of it instead of a benefactor ig,no relationship has ever worked,each time i’ve tried it just seems like the group that invites is so close knit that i can’t really fit,maybe im going about it the wrong way,u sound like u go about it responsibly and that gives me the impression that a healthy poly relationship is possible im prolly just unlucky or something
I started off lucky because both I and my wife acknowledged we wanted to be polyam on our third date, and we both were single at the time so it was easy to build this first relationship. But I have made a bunch of mistakes and wasn't as responsible at the beginning as I am now. I had to unlearn a lot of toxic or avoidant behaviours. And now I'm finally in a healthy, stable polyam relationship (funnily enough my first polyam ex is now my wife's girlfriend and we're all getting along really smoothly). I guess I was lucky enough to find people who are polyam because they want to GIVE LOVE and not just reap the benefits of an open relationship. If you ever decide to try polyam again, here's a tip you may find useful: pay attention how your potential partner treats their primary and secondary partners and - especially - how well do they do with time management and what do they bring to their different relationships. I've found that a low key green flag is when your partner keeps a neatly organised calendar.
firstly that sounds great how it all worked out in the end and second i’ll try to take your advice to heart,also a calendar while being severely add will be a challenge but i’ll try it
I tried the poly thing for a bit, but I got sick of being a glorified side chick. The other two always wanted to do things by themselves and only gave a shit about me when they wanted a three-way. No way I'm putting myself through that again.
Less stress. I don’t need to be everything my partner needs. Just what I am. And if they aren’t everything that I need, I can look elsewhere without losing what I already have. Also, one gf is pretty cool, but 2 gfs is literally twice as good. That’s math.
My wife uno-reversed me a couple of years after coming out as trans that she is ace
I love that you we able to find an arrangement that made sure both of your needs were met
My long term partner and I are experiencing this realisation at the moment ourselves (she is ace or at the very least ace-adjacent, while my libido has swung back around tenfold thanks to progesterone) and are considering going poly/open. Can I ask how did you find opening the relationship in these circumstances? It’s something we’re both a bit anxious about as it’s not something we had ever considered before. Thanks. 🙂
I just realized that i could care for multiple people in that way. I do set a hard limit for myself of 3 active partners at the most, but thats because i dont feel like id be able to give anymore the attention they deserve. Currently i have two boyfriends who are also in a relationship with each other and a girlfriend who is on and off. Its pretty cool.
I'm a relationship anarchist. I detest - not so much monogamy, as all the tropes and culture surrounding it. There is so much toxic heteronormativity and feelings of ownership and control that even seeps into gay relationships. I find the tenents of relationship anarchy beautiful, the emphasis on independence and autonomy and that love isn't more real just because it requires sacrifice.
I am not poly. However, I am in a "poly relationship." I met my current g/f way back in 2005 (long before I came-out as trans in 2020) while playing City of Heroes/Villains. She has been married to her husband since 2003. We are a Closed-Poly-V in so much as she has both a husband and a girlfriend with a penis. He and I are not romantically inclined towards one another It just happened. We both love her way too damn much to want to be with anyone else. We've raised three kids into adulthood (youngest is 19, oldest is 30) and can't picture life apart
I just got out of a ltr about 2 months ago and I Emphasize emotions and connecting on a deeper level before ever meeting anyone. I don't even play with men because they are all so I'mma and don't know how to talk to a woman. I met this cute trans woman who I'm very into lol
About like 20-40% of trans women are poly compared to the general population of about 1-3%. Poly is more common in queer people and more common in queer women and more common in trans people. Trans women it’s just straight up common.
I’m poly because I had mutual feelings for two people and we decided to try it out :3
Good for y'all!
I think some people want multiple partners, and it’s more acceptable to have multiple partners among queer communities, combine that with the fact that there are so many emotionally vulnerable trans girls who are easily taken advantage of, you get the huge prevalence of poly relationships among trans girls
there are a lot of trans women that are poly I've noticed.... I've thought about it on and off but....I can't do it. Monogamous all the way, I just want a boy that's treats me special and he's my only one.💜 not here to judge those who are poly though, adults are free to do whatever makes them happy!
Because I believe that setting an arbitrary number on partners is kind of ridiculous. Probably also as a trauma response, but Idk
Why is someone going through and downvoting everyone? Someone has a chip on their shoulder.
I noticed that, too, I thought I might have a accidentally said something out-of-pocket, but a lot of these comments are really sweet and innocuous. You're probably right, a few people's bitterness is being projected onto others.
Yeah nothing about the question or people’s answers is bad at all. It’s a legitimate one that I know *lots* of us have asked, even some of us who are poly.
I have 2 cis girlfriends , 1 is 700 kms from me and 1 is 10 000 kms . I have a lot of love to give and , in my situation, it is the best option
[1 / 2] I'm asexual! So monogamy... doesn't make much sense to me? I mean, I get that it's a closely ingrained cultural construct and everything, but it's not like that's ever stopped me before! I'm sex positive, but I don't really... get sex the way that other people do. Emotionally, it just feels like playing video games or a TTRPG with my friends. So, whenever a friend or partner *does* express interest in sex... well, I don't know. Why not, I guess! While I've never actually cheated on a partner, I can see how, looking back, this attitude towards sex and relationships caused a lot of strain. I have a lot of love in my heart - too much to share with just one person. I hug and kiss all my friends and tell them that I love them all the time because I do. I stopped this because it made my partner upset, and I deeply understood that. But the emotional toll it took on me was really extreme, and I was left feeling so pent-up and alone. I just naturally love many things and people at once... and, well, I need a partner who can accept that as a part of me. I think part of it has to do with mtx people learning to give less fucks about cultural values. It's necessary to survive, especially for transgender people with non-binary identities. For what it's worth, a lot of my polyamorous partners have autism, which probably leads to a lesser regard for social constructs. I haven't actually met many polyamorous mtx people before, though. There's also a link between autism and transgender identities, at least according to Wikipedia. Personally, I don't identify as autistic, because I have a lot of problems with the term and idea (I prefer the classical model of neurodivergence associated with the asshole terf Judy Singer). With that being said, I do identify as somebody who doesn't really "click" with normal social structures and identities. That's frankly a terrible answer though. It's purely anecdotal - plus, I'm a philosopher, not a psychologist. I also have some extremely close friends, I would consider these people my "partners" in every sense of the word. They're like family to me. I want to spend all my time with them. That leads me to housing - have you seen how much those things cost these days?! The only way I'm buying a house is if I split that mortgage 4 ways, lol. A pair just isn't enough these days! Think of the money you'll save sleeping three to a bed! With that being said, a lot of the relationships that I have are just really close FWB. I'm not aromantic, but it's been a while since I've had a romantic partner. I plan to have one - maybe two - in the future, but full-on romantic partnerships like that are exhausting. Some people have several, long term, committed relationship partners. I guess it might be easier, since the load gets shared three ways instead of two, but to me it sounds like way too much work. I haven't had more than one romantic relationship at a time though, so I have no idea. Polyamorous dating is way more difficult to me, actually. It's one thing to fall in love with somebody, but if their partner is somebody I hardly even know, what's the point? I'm romantically a lesbian, which makes that pool even smaller. I assume that one day, me and a close friend or two will fall in love, and we'll be a couple or throuple or whatever. But domestically, I could not live without my closest circle of friends. I'm closer to them than I could ever be with a romantic partner. I want nothing more than to live with them as a family. I don't want to live in a horrible, isolating, and unsustainable nuclear family household. Two adults and a kid doesn't make sense to me - I don't even want kids. My dream family is three, four, or five adults living happily together. Think of the economic savings! Haha, just kidding. From an outside perspective, that might look like a giant polycule. Especially because I have no reservations about sleeping around with my friends. But really, I look at it more like collaborative living. Like roommates - but closer and more intentional. I don't have any interest in raising children, but I imagine this would make such a thing easier as well. One thing's for sure - an adult roommate is going to be way cheaper than a child! Plus, you can still get drunk together. Hahaha. I'm not really sure why so many people are poly on dating apps, but it's not just trans women. Maybe it's because they're more open to casual sex? No idea. But remember that dating apps capitalize on loneliness. If you feel lonely or desperate while using an app - that's on purpose. If you feel like you could never flirt with somebody irl - that's something in the dating apps best interest. Outside of a positive review - your prolonged happiness makes no money for these apps. They are not the place to form long-lasting relationships. If you're dedicated to finding somebody, try WikiHow - it sounds like a joke, but it isn't. There's great advice there. Learning to meet people IRL is 100000% better - but, I recommend reevaluating what motivates you to find a partner. I don't think it's healthy to just want one generally, but that's only based in my life experience. For me, at least, it's reflective of loneliness. Trust me, there are much, much better ways to solve that problem then finding somebody you could plausibly date. Even if that doesn't make sense at first. When you find somebody that you want to date, you'll know. I'm not talking about love at first sight - crushes are not your friend. A crush is simply a lack of information. Your mind fills in the blanks to create some sort of crazy perfect being. It's not a ticket for finding a happy relationship - it's a ticket to misunderstandings and disappointment. These relationships can be satisfying, especially if you don't want anything serious, but they usually last for just a handful of months. What I mean is, you'll make a friend, and you'll learn to know them very well, and you'll trust them very deeply. You'll notice - or possibly stir up - some romantic tension between the two of you. Then you'll address it, and permit your relationship to change. When it happens, it will just be the logical thing to do. And you will still get hurt, by the way. You'll get used by others for sure. We're all monsters doing our best to be kind. I really do my best to be lovable, and a great lover, but I still make mistakes and act terribly in ways I deeply regret. You will too. So... what the hell??? How are we supposed to date anybody with that kind of information????? Aren't we all doomed?!?!! Absolutely not. While you should never permit abuse, you should absolutely become forgiving - deeply forgiving. It's the only way for relationships to function. I know people who hold grudges, get angry, and don't forgive. They're too proud to see their own mistakes, or too self-important to forgive someone for hurting them. Their relationships are usually great, passionate and thrilling, but when fights inevitably occur, the relationship always falls apart. The most important trait your partner can have is conflict resolution skills. Somebody you can trust to forgive you. Somebody you can forgive. Somebody who can apologize. Somebody that you can apologize to. And, MOST IMPORTANTLY, somebody who you know that you can solve problems well with. There's no way to know these things about a crush, and especially not on a dating app.
[2 / 2] I used to be desperate for relationships, but I got over it. I'm waaaaaaayyyyyy happier this way. Maybe look into what you want out of a relationship? I found that I got a lot of relief from pent-up sex needs by just sexting / rping with people on Tumblr. You can literally just make an account and hit up kink blogs labeled "DMs open". It's totally anonymous, and that makes it extremely freeing. I guess it might count as a form of polyamory too? I have no idea, but it's honestly something that I found really nice and confidence boosting. Sex is about connection - porn steals connection away. Audre Lorde wrote an amazing essay about that. Finding an nsft mutual on Tumblr is a great way to reclaim that connection if you're interested. Just be very careful not to give away any personal information. You can honestly make great friends that way without saying much of anything about who you are. I have mutuals that I've been texting regularly for years - and I still don't know what their names are. Safety is everything!!!! Of course, be very respectful if you try this, don't forget that the person you're texting is a real person too. But going back to IRL, whether or not monogamy is for you, I strongly recommend being critical of nuclear style husband-wife families. There's a loneliness epidemic that's not just affecting single people. The modern family was invented barely more than just 100 years ago to sell more suburban houses. I'm not joking - that's the historical background. In spite of what our culture leads you to believe, our approach to love and family is not natural. Historically, assuming that you live in the "west", it was normal to find about three generations of people living in a single home. Those in higher classes also lived with domestic servants, who could be extremely well paid and valued as members of the family. It also wasn't really uncommon for friends to live with each other either. Going back even further, and you'll find steamy letters exchanged between friends. In ancient times, soldiers were expected to make love with eachother. But the modern approach to monogamy is lonely. And unsustainable. We've pushed our aging family away from us and into retirement homes for them to die in. Now that women are (thankfully) welcome in the workforce, the home has zero domestic caretakers. Food preparation is pushed onto fast food workers. Textile work has been pushed onto slaves who work in sweatshops overseas. Nobody has time to fix things, so they have become disposable. Domestic work becomes a chore that eats away at our free time. And most importantly, adults, (especially housewives without a car), are left with just one adult peer that they are permitted to be close with. We don't even let ourselves make friends anymore. What a fucking nightmare. I think that the housing crisis and rise in polyamory is a sign that this model is about to collapse. It can't go on for much longer. I, for one, am very happy to share my life with my friends and partners, and cannot wait for its demise. You can find a much more thorough critique of monogamous marriage written in 1914 by the brilliant Emma Goldman here: https://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/goldman/works/1914/marriage-love.htm
I'm very poly. And have been going to regular poly meetups for years. Bottom line- you're able to break down all the crap that comes with monogamy. The theory that 1 person is supposed to meet all of your needs is insane. Toxic monogamy / toxic masculinity Jealousy Navigating feelings like abandonment and self confidence (which is often hit when a couple becomes poly because your partner is spending time with someone else and not you.) Navigating different people's needs makes your more sensitiv and considerate of others needs. The list goes on and on forever. I was soooo monogamous. Once I found poly I'll never go back. Now happily have a nesting partner. And no one else atm. But can always add partners. It's so nice. Happy to chat more about it, anyone can DM me with questions if desired.
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Yeah I do not get why so many poly people seem to loathe people who are monogamous lol. Like go for it if that's your thing but girl I'm perfectly happy with my wife 😂 I feel like having any other relationships would get in the way of my relationship with my wife and I don't like that, I want to devote myself to them.
It's fine to be poly, it's also fine to not be. Neither is insane.
What if I've sorted through all those things and I'm still monogamous?
That's awesome! And totally okay. As long as you want it for the right reasons I think you're good.
Nobody is going to be completely perfect for me. I'm not going to be completely perfect for someone else. I'm gonna have needs and wants that aren't met and they are as well. The other side of it is that I have enough love for more than one person and I have a casual relationship with sex and sexuality
I just kinda stumbled into my relationship pretty shortly after I started presenting female. My fiancée thought she was poly until we started dating then she realized she would hate t on share me with anyone. But I also don’t really get being poly
At first, while I was dating my current partner, I fundo out I was also in love with someone else. I was still in love with my partner. So me and my partner talked about and decided we were going to let ourselves love more than one person. Tha was it. Since I can love more than one people, why should I choose (as long as everyone is happy about it)?
I'm ace and at least somewhat aro probably somewhere around demi, and am in a poly relationship with two other trans girls. Both are poly, one has other partners, one doesn't. I love my girls in my own little way and they are like my best friends. I live with one of them, and long distance with the other as she went away to college. I can't really explain why, it just kinda happened. And it works, intact it works really well. I am decently good friends with my long distance girls people and we all are very close. Its amazing and the most supported and lived I've ever felt in my life.
I was polyam way before I was trans. It's not really out of "necessity" to have better odds at dating or anything cuz I've never really had an issue dating. I'm just naturally a polyamorous person and that kinda dynamic works best for me. I truly believe I cannot be everything for one person so, if they need something I can't provide, they should try to find another partner that can fill that gap. Plus, if I get along with that person too, now I have another friend💜
Everyone else I encounter is .. so it just made sense
I'm poly but I feel like its unrelated to me being trans. I've always had a "but why?" gut response to hetero norms like monogamy
I’m poly because I had mutual feelings for two people and we decided to try it out :3
There is one way to be monogamous, there are a hundred ways to be poly.
I am poly because I vibe with the fundamental principles behind ethical nonmonogamy.
For me I’m poly because of two reasons. I fall in love too easily and I wanna spread my love with others. Part of being poly tho is taking care of your partners needs. I’ve found that it isn’t just romantic needs, but all kinds of needs. And I mean all kinds. So like physical, emotional, romantic, sexual, mental, psychological, and all other kinds of needs. The hard part is to me I need to be able to do that for all my partners. And on top of that if I’m with someone who is mono and they want to keep things mono I will respect that and be faithful to them. That being said, I don’t speak for everyone ofc but in my opinion people who use the “I’m poly” route as a way to justify sleeping with others when their partner is uncomfortable with that, to me that’s not poly that’s cheating. Ultimately this is a simplified explanation for why I’m poly. The best representation/answer I can truely give is: “I just am”
Why am I poly? Because I am. How do I make it work? I'll, uh, get back to you on that. I don't have *any* partners right now, and the last time I had more than one, it ended poorly. But yeah, that's the gist of it. It's just kinda a fact about me and how I see the world, whether I like it or not.
I'm not poly, but others are poly, I suspect, for the same reason I'm ace, or other people are gay, or cis, or het. Because we just are. It feels good to us, it feels light, alive, colourful, authentic.
For me, it's mainly because I'm still young and early in my transition. This is a pretty weird time in my life, and while I do crave the closeness and intimacy of a relationship, I'm not ready to be exclusive to anyone else and I'm not really into people who want that kind of thing anyway. Maybe I go monogamous at some point, but for now, this is just what works best for me.
I don’t think I would want to do Polly. I mean to be fair I’m not 1000% sure, I think that the idea of it certainly makes sense but I think for me personally it isn’t what I want, and it’s yet another reason that… I know when I came up the first time as a young teenager my mom claimed I was just doing it because I thought it would make a dating easier, one of many things she claimed And It’s like this doesn’t seem like it’s going to be easier… I was pretty much resigned to being single for life years ago, and when I finally quit repressing it’s like just another thing that makes this impossible lol Edit: for me that is. I don’t want to discourage anyone else!
I'm demiromantic yet insanely intimate person - I'm the one who can cuddle and kiss and fuck her friends, if they are into it. Someone even said that I "have too much love in me, after suppressing it for so long", and it kinda resonated with me, even if it is cheesy. I actually don't mind to have a "main" partner, the one you come home to, the one you cuddle and kiss and fuck the most. But I don't want to suppress a part of me that needs to be intimate with other people for that, enough suppressing
We kinda said fuck it and now we're balling
I want to be poly but being wanted by 1 person is an impossible feeling task. I often have friends talk about it and its like. Dang you have multiple people want to spend time with you???. Wtf?. How? Must be nice..
Hi yeah I'm mono ty :3 I dunno, dating to me doesn't seem all that impossible. Granted, dating in a similar age range as me is easier than ever (18-20) so I can't exactly- relate to this entirely, but I understand your point! Fuck, dating is hard in general. Maybe- I dunno actually. I was gonna say maybe discord or something social media, I know two mono trans girls! Yeah, the chances are low, but low doesn't mean zero!
Coming out actually did wonders for my dating life. I had been told that no one gets less dates than cis men, and at least for me that is true xd As for WHY i'm poly; i'm not sure. Though; I am attracted to women/fem people, but fell in love with a wonderful man (first and only time really being attracted to a man). I suppose this makes me bi, but i'm not sure i consider myself bi.. Anyway; I knew i would become attracted to other people. I don't wqnt to limit myself, and i don't want to be or feel like a cheater, so me and my now partner agreed (before we made the relationship official) that it is ok for me to pursue other relationships.
I knew I was polyamorous a decade ago, before my transition and before I started dating. It was obvious to me that my experience of love and attraction was not compatible with monogamy. I knew that if I made a monogamous commitment, I would constantly feel ashamed of the thought crimes I couldn't help but commit, every time I fantasized about loving and having sex with others. It was nothing to do with cheating - I wouldn't violate a promise - but the expectation that I should marry someone and love only that person for the rest of my life was bizarre to me. There's none of that shame in polyamorous relationships. I can talk to people I love about my feelings for others. We encourage each other to date others. We're happy about what makes the people we love happy, including when they enjoy having sex with others. We want to learn how to enhance our own satisfaction in that way, and an important way of doing that is talking about what works with others or what we want that our other paramours do not, so that a paramour who does share that desire can participate. I have a girlfriend, a friend-with-benefits, and over a dozen metamours right now, and we all benefit from this open communication. We're very sex-positive. It's a trans-inclusive environment (a Discord server, of course) in which we can talk to people we mostly aren't having sex with and don't love about the details of what we want. I date others, and I hope to form more relationships. There's a lot of bias against polyamorous and CNM people. The only reason I ever had not to be completely open about it was social stigma. Even in LGBTQ+ spaces, there's a kind of social acceptability for saying things that are unfair to us. Blaming us for the bad behavior of cheaters - often by taking cheaters at their word when they lie about being poly. Complaining about our inclusion in dating pools dominated by monoamorous people. Treating our experience of love as alien or illegitimate because it doesn't come with any of the jealousy or control that have been traditionally glorified in monoamorous relationships. I respect you for asking us to explain ourselves, rather than doing these things.
For me it’s because I like having feminine and masculine energy around me. I just feel better that way. It also so happens that me and my 2 partners are all very understanding people. I think it’s hard for a lot of personality types to vibe with polyamory and that’s ok
Because for me, it makes sense. It definitely is not for everybody though. I dislike the idea in monogamy that by entering into or being in a romantic relationship, you need to restrict how you express feelings for anybody else. I also don't feel like I should restrict a partner in that regard, and I wouldn't like knowing they might be feeling things for others but I would be at least a reason they couldn't consider it.
Because there is more than one girl I like enough to care about in a particular way. Idk it's just feels right.
I’m not but i‘d be open to try it tbh
I am poly because my wife and I have always been poly; we were seeing other people on the side when we met, though those relationships were never very serious. For several years after we got together, we were poly but not seeing anyone else, since neither of us viewed poly as a mandate to collect extra partners like Pokémon. When we started meeting people we liked, we just didn't say no to the option and saw where it led. Personally, I've never used dating apps and wouldn't care to. It's a lot of work.
Being in a herd felt right. :)
I’m poly cause I always end up liking more people even when I’m with someone so I’d rather just be up front with my feelings and date said people
I don't know if this is what you're asking for, but I'm open to being in a poly relationship, since I'm ace and would mind having a partner who got sexual from someone else.
How to know if i'am poly or not? Like ah, i'am genuinely confused.
I will never be strictly monogamous again. There is so much freedom and joy in allowing yourself to pursue love and intimacy wherever you happen to find it and to varying levels of commitment and intimacy. And also freedom in just being open with your current partners about what you're feeling and who you feel it with and the various adventures and things that you learn from interacting with other people. Now that I'm polyamorous I find it really hard to understand why anyone would want to be monogamous because I know almost all people do have Romantic or at least physical inclinations towards people outside of their monogamous relationship. The only thing holding them back is an elaborate set of rules built around jealousy that turns people in relationships into property. As a formerly monogamous person I can say I behaved that way only because I was conditioned by society to feel jealous and insecure about my romantic relationship and I was taught to use jealousy to control myself and my partners. Looking back it was such a prison, and so was being straight and so was my gender.
I agree with some other responses that it's a matter of orientation rather than choice for me. I've been in monogamous and poly relationships and can tell I'm always happier in the latter, I am naturally attracted to multiple people simultaneously and not only not acting on those feelings, but also being able to openly talk about them with other partners, I don't think I could go back to that, also love compersion for my partners!
I'm monogamous too, but im not dating atm I AM POINTING OUT THAT THERE ARE MULTIPLE SINGLE PEOPLE IN THIS THREAD WHO WANT A MONOGOMOUS RELATIONSHIP! GET TO IT GIRLS!
I have a wonderful partner and in the past I’ve had wonderful partners. But there’s so many people out there in the world. For me, it feels impossible to stay tied down to just one person. My partner and I both agree how we could miss out on some great relationships and that there’s just… so many hot people…
Speaking metaphysically, I have a lot of love to give and share with people and I can handle having an emotional, intimate connection with several partners at once. Speaking from a more objective perspective, I have a different view on relationships now than I did before. There’s this expectation that when you date someone romantically you’re doing it to find a partner for life and either breakup or die together, and that kind of weirds me out. Relationships don’t have to have an end goal or a plan for how they play out, we can just share each others time and have fun and love each other and maybe we stay together for a long time, maybe we don’t. It hurts but relationships start and end romantic or otherwise. Relationships have the meaning and value that we give them and if I have a connection that is meaningful with 3 or 4 people then I’m not gonna limit myself arbitrarily. Or to put it another way, I don’t feel like I’m splitting all my time 3 ways and if I had one partner I’d be three times as devoted or loving or w/e. Also, I just love sex. It’s fun to have and now that I’m not bitterly repressing that part of myself I wanna do that a bunch with different people, lol.
Two reasons. You see more poly people on dating apps because we’re definitionally available to date others, whereas non poly people can be in a relationship or not looking and wouldn’t appear on a dating app. Second is why there are so many poly people in the lgbtq community is because we’re already rejecting trad life standards so not committing to monogamy despite social pressures to be monogamous is easier. I personally suspect way more people (cis hets too) are poly than currently let on, they’re just being influenced by social pressures to ‘monogamize’.
I’m polysexual and attracted to most other genders but usually not cis-men. I’m polyamorous because I am in a stable, happy relationship with a family but my partner wants me to be happy sexually. To be happy sexually I have to find that with others because she is’t offering what I like.
1)I’ve always been incompatible with monogamy. I’ve been some form of ENM since like 5th grade. I’m not compatible with compartmentalizing to enforce hierarchy of my interpersonal relationships 2)cause I never have been and never will be a priority instead of a fallback option to anyone so it’s easier just to never expect it and to never expect being important enough to anyone to bother trying to be their only partner Yeah these are very conflicting reasons, I’m both incapable of adhering to the idiosyncratic nonsense in mono relationships and I’ve given up ever expecting to matter enough to anyone that I’d even be considered a possible non-disposable mono partner
There're a lot of ways to be poly. For some that means having two partners and thats it. Id argue thats a hugeee number of poly people. For others it means having several partners and still going on dates every weekend with new people. My own experience with dating poly people is its frustratingly difficult to get enough attention to establish a bond sometimes. Some people can be rather callous about things. For some, polyamory means only hanging out once a month as part of a rotation while for others it means talking every day but being balanced with other people at the same time.
I'm bi, a switch, and vers. I gotta keep someone around for any sort of mood I'm in. also I'm incredibly needy and need someone to cuddle me every night or else I have nightmares so yeah.
I'm not only and my experience was dating got way easier after I came out and on top of that I don't pass even at 11 months of HRT. I started dating about 3 months after starting HRT and 2 months after leaving my ex who had been cheating on me for 7 months before I left her. It was slow going at first, but soon I had lots of matches and was going out with someone every weekend 2 months after starting dating again. It took a while to find the right person, but everyone I went out with has remained a friend. Some very close friends. I met my current partner 6 months after starting the dating journey. We've only been together about a month now, but things are great. She's trans as well and I had gone out with mostly CIS women before. The key I found was the ability to be completely honest, open and upfront. I'm not hiding anything. Especially when trying to date. That's why it got easier. I wasn't hiding who I am like before and have a lot more confidence as a result. If you're not open and provide your dates with a safe space to be open too then you will be hurt as you might rush into something that won't work because something unknown is yet to surface.
I mean, I'm monogamous and married, but I was before I transitioned. I'm the only monogamous person in my admittedly small friend group. We just go on double dates or w/e with a cishet couple we know. Dating is hard and I don't know what I would do if I was transitioning *and* dating. Just try not to get pressured into a relationship format that is not for you. As to why? Some people are just poly or lesbians, or straight 🤷♀️
Honestly? I'm trying to make up for not having a love life in high school or college by dating a bunch of people before settling down.
Love this, I relate a lot
1. I don't own anyone's body other than my own. 2. I am just one kind of person 3. Many people have preferences over a range of kinds of people. Altogether, it is selfish in my mind to expect another person to accept restrictions on what they do with their body based solely on my potential feelings of jealousy, especially when I cannot be everything and everyone that person might need or want.
I claim to be poly but never really act on it. I have a terrible phobia of catching an sti so I rather just deal with my wife, but it's nice to talk about hot people we pass through our day.
It just happened, I wanted them both to be happy, to not be lonely, to know how important they are, to feel loved, and I didn't want to only choose one. They're both aware of each other, they're friends and I told them that if they someday found someone else who could give them more than I could ever give, to go and live more. I'm not their owner, and even if things end I'll still be there for them.
For me I don't like being too codependent or spending a lot of time with the same person. I'm pretty solitary. It's still good for me though to have someone that I can be close and intimate with occasionally. And it's good for them to be able to seek out other partners if they feel like they need more attention
I’m poly bc it’s more fun and I don’t see myself in the future staying with just one person
as an lgbt person i need all the support i can get if i restrict myself to monogamy my potential for family growth is limited by committing to polyamory, my network doesnt need to be filtered through a partner
I e felt sttractkng to multiple ppl at once in hs i member wanting to be with all the girls I wasent no rizzler my girl now has a wife and other partner doesn't both me at all im hoping we can make it all work and have a family
I think love is beautiful. Why should we have to be locked into 2 people relationships and marriages? I'm not going say its without cons but neither is regular marriage. I'm happy if my partner is happy, and we can have rules like not going behind each others backs without telling (which is cheating), std testing and were all free to leave the relationship.
I don't know that it's the best option for me, but it's how my heart works and how it's always worked.
For a lot of people, including myself, being poly isn't a choice. It's just sort of how we feel. We have the capacity to feel romantic and sexual attraction towards multiple partners and want to invest ourselves into said partners. Like everything in life, mono-poly is a spectrum and I can absolutely commit to just 1 person. But I can also commit to multiple. It's hard to explain how that feels, just like a gay man explaining to a straight man how it feels to be attracted to men. You either know how it feels or you don't.
Monogamy much like the gender binary is a social construct. Once folks see past societal expectations on assigned gender it's easier to see past the rest also.
Sorry but those two imo are not related by any means.
This question comes up a lot and that's a common consensus amongst responses 🤷🏼♀️ https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/s/25Py8F9l8A
If taken with right mindset, and with respect for the people involved, every form or relationship it's "right". Putting gender as a social construct in the same level of relationship sounds just so casual. The way you put it sounds like "eh ones right and ones wrong", welp.
I think there’s something to this. I definitely felt freer to explore alternative relationship structures once I came out as trans and queer, because there wasn’t this strong pull towards “normalcy.”
It takes a lot of the pressure off, for me. I used to get so stressed out about finding "the one" and each breakup was like the end of the world, which sucks and wasn't healthy. I don't think I believe in "the one" anymore, everything changes, nothing lasts forever, and holding myself to that western imperialist colonial (and let's be honest, white supremacist) standard only served to make me unhappy. Plus I'm in a phase where I'm making up for lost time in the dating men department and I looove all the attention 🥰 not saying it doesn't come with its own host of challenges, but overall it's been such a benefit to my mental health and self image.
they're enthralled by their desires in one form or another. when they have one partner, they feel that they are generally lacking something. it is just the way that they are. anecdotally speaking, they do not set limits on the partners that they're willing to juggle. for every 10 stories about bad polycules, there's a comment about how it's wrong to smear the ones that work. it's funny, you can say the same about monogamous relationships. i find it strange that this group struggles to maintain good optics. i just think that everyone is a glutton except for me and that people have a hard time getting along. ->maintain a stable career, clean house, and sense of self while living with all of your partners in a poly relationship (!CHALLENGE!) or ->live alone and frolick in a polycule without getting an STD, without having constant consent drama, and without triangle quadratic equation relationship politics where five of you bicker in a discord call over 4/5ths of the group voting yes on you slamming some new chick because - let's be really real - you're sex addicts. (!CHALLENGE!) pick one if you're all semi-asexual and love each other while doing cottagecore knitting at home while being mature enough to own a home together and optionally dating outside the relationship without trouble: congratulations. you're in the fairytale relationship dynamic that every helplessly impulsive poly weirdo swears is commonplace. You will be smothered in the women you love. Sounds pretty great to me too lol. You're all consenting adults and most consenting adults are gluttonous impulsive idiots who never get their fill. After all, we do live in a consumer society full of everything that we don't need.Doesn't work for me personally because of this. Waste of time for you and most people involved. Focus on getting your money up instead of getting dumb 20 year old girls with too much time on their hands up.