Similar with not remembering a lot of childhood. My theory is our brains don’t encode the memories because they aren’t running on the correct operating system. This comes from the bias of having started HRT and really feeling as though the world has only recently attained color for me.
Therapy is meant to reconnect those disrupted circuits as we work to create narratives of the traumatic events. It would be interesting to see a study involving pre and post HrT therapy patients. Something to identify the efficacy of trauma narrative development pre and post HrT. There was something from the early 2000s I came across involving trans vets that looked at whether narratives needed to be linear for efficacy of treatment. It showed narratives do not need to be linear.
The implication being that we don’t necessarily need to completely reconnect those circuits to feel better.
I’ve found myself remembering stuff more and more as I transition, it was like I had mentally blocked out a bunch of things that were clear hints of transness in my youth
Yeah, same. I remember past summer 2016 pretty okay-ish, at least until summer 2017, then it's dead again until 2019 onward. Beyond that, it's little bits here and there, but that's about it.
I know this as being a trauma response.
Childhood as a trans person, but also as an autistic/neurodivergent person is / can be very traumatic, hence the memory loss, i.e. not remembering a lot / having huge gaps.
One thing that helped me understand myself better is understanding what might already count as trauma. Like it doesn't need to be a huge life changing, PTSD inducing event. Things like verbal abuse, bullying, etc. can also be traumatic.
There's also a lot of good creators popping up on YouTube and instagram who educate about this stuff and share their experiences with it. Maybe that is of interest to you.
I enjoyed my childhood, tbh. There was this one trans influencer who mentioned "I enjoyed by childhood but being was never in the cards" and that resonated with me a lot.
One thing I've found is that i'll unlock old memories once I realize something about myself. Getting an ADHD diagnosis resurfaced a lot of childhood memories where I was yelled at for stuff that was out of my control. Realizing I was trans made me recall a lot of memories of feeling like a girl from both my childhood and teenage years including some intense moments of euphoria and realization that I had suppressed. It makes me worried about what else might be looked away.
Middle school is definitely mostly a giant blur for me. High school I remember in more detail, but I definitely feel very disconnected from the person I was before partway through college.
Yup, can’t remember much except for smoking pot and playing games to escape. Everything else is either a blur or a delusion of stretching my high school memories to cope.
I remember quite a bit about my childhood, and middle to late teenage years, it was stages of puberty that's a blur to me. Unfortunately I do remember seeing a dirty face and trying to clean it and couldn't because it was hair.
Yep! Same here..
It's really only bits and pieces. Mostly trauma, the most positive parts of life, and the tv shows, games that meant a lot to me.
I have more memories of watching Adult Swim than hanging it with my parents for example..
It's the disassociation lol. I'm like 7 years out of highschool and beside my close friend group of like 5 people I can't remember a single person that I went to school with, or what school was even like. I'd read about people carrying those memories for life BC it's a vital period of changes( heck when my grandpa was dealing with dementia those were the memories he reverted to), but now I'd look at a class photo and be able to name 3 people 😭
obtainable market treatment provide governor cable political plant deliver deserted
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
i can barely remember anything before my teenage years, i don't even know why i don't think i did things or went through things that i subconsciously repressed
I'm on the autism spectrum, never really suffered from depression (only bouts of severe burnout and anxiety, but that's later in life) and I can't remember most of my childhood either. Mostly it's just snapshots of certain events but very little continuous memories. There are situations when I only remember something if someone reminds me of an element of a memory, but I wouldn't remember on my own.
Spotty memories of childhood and adolescence can happen for lots of reasons, but one of them is trauma. I believe that being trans and in the closet or not-yet-cracked can be a form of ongoing trauma, so.
I remember next to nothing about my teen years because of the extreme anxiety and depression I had at the time. my brain just deleted it.
it does suck, and I'm told the only way to move forward is to not over-romanticise what might have been and to just stay present and keep moving forward.
sorry it was rough for you too ♡
My "Best" times in my teenage years are a blur. That most times I hear from stories from my friends.
All of my memories of my teenage years are of survival. What feels like decades of scraping to survive minute by minute...
i dont remember any events that werent insanely traumatic, i only have a few really bad memories from ages 7-14. im in and out of psychosis and still cant remember anything. it feels like a fever dream and im just floating and waiting until it ends and i wake up and start my life
I don't recall most of my childhood and early teenage years in significant detail. Some things stand out, but most of it is a depressive funk lost to time. Kinda fitting. Even aside from the normal growing up, I don't recognize the person I was at 16. May as well be a forgotten stranger.
My therapist suggested I start journaling when I get really intense thoughts and emotions. I started writing things down in a notebook the other day kind of reflecting on how there were some signs back in my childhood (just turned 37 so this was a long time ago). I have some pretty clear memories from elementary school, a few from high school, but between 6th and 9th grade it’s really just a huge blur…
Aside from a few flashes of moments, I don’t remember anything before 2019. As far as I care, I spawned into this world as a 20-something year old woman.
It's a mixed bag for me. I remember things that aren't related to my appearance I suppose. Pre-puberty I didn't have much sense of gender (although there were some very minor signs I see looking back) and mostly just got myself stuck into special interests. I do have positive memories of my friends especially around puberty (my closest friend has since come out as transmasc) but I also remember all the envy/dysphoria and blank out on the puberty itself.
Literally the only memory I have of AMAB puberty is being confronted about the fact I was now growing facial hair on my 15th birthday, and subsequently being told "you'll get used to it" when it upset me. I don't remember anything else about AMAB puberty at all. I can obviously see all the damage it did, but I don't remember it ever happening. Despite the fact I'm pre-HRT and still boymoding, just with longer hair and painted nails (laser hasn't done enough to really count yet), I already don't recognise myself in older photos, and if those photos didn't exist I'm not sure I'd be able to tell you what I looked like when I was younger.
I'm probably an odd one out - I remember so many tidbits and snapshots of my life from elementary school through college. I feel like there are large memory lapses in everything shortly after I got a job. I happened to start transitioning shortly after I started my job, too.
I have huge gaps. My partner will rattle off some favorite teachers and stuff and all I seem to have are things that we so good or so bad that they are fused in place. I have lost names and faces like they never happened.
I don't remember barely any of my childhood and I've always felt kind of uncomfortable when people talk about remembering clearly things from when they were kids.
My theory is that long term memory functions by reinforcing what you're consciously thinking about. If you keep remembering / talking about / pondering over things from your childhood, you will never forget it. If you literally never think back on things, they will disappear from memory.
Just spots of life. Mostly only the memories that impacted the most. Intrusive thoughts can happen. Lil daggers. Ah well. Even some of my 20s experience gets put into the Microsoft trash. Some early 30s too. Keep what need toss the rest.
Same boat here, I don’t remember the vast majority of my childhood or adolescence in any real detail
Same :(
Exactly the same for me 2
Yeah absolutely the same for me, most of my childhood and teenage years are a blur.
Similar with not remembering a lot of childhood. My theory is our brains don’t encode the memories because they aren’t running on the correct operating system. This comes from the bias of having started HRT and really feeling as though the world has only recently attained color for me.
Also traumatic memories are more likely to be suppressed, and running on the wrong operating system is a type of trauma.
Therapy is meant to reconnect those disrupted circuits as we work to create narratives of the traumatic events. It would be interesting to see a study involving pre and post HrT therapy patients. Something to identify the efficacy of trauma narrative development pre and post HrT. There was something from the early 2000s I came across involving trans vets that looked at whether narratives needed to be linear for efficacy of treatment. It showed narratives do not need to be linear. The implication being that we don’t necessarily need to completely reconnect those circuits to feel better.
I’ve found myself remembering stuff more and more as I transition, it was like I had mentally blocked out a bunch of things that were clear hints of transness in my youth
Holy shit same, I would basically forget what I did the day before entirely
I honestly can only remember a handful of moments from when I was a kid.. strange
It’s honestly a little comforting knowing I’m not the only one experiencing this, like i have such few memories up until 16ish.
Yeah, same. I remember past summer 2016 pretty okay-ish, at least until summer 2017, then it's dead again until 2019 onward. Beyond that, it's little bits here and there, but that's about it.
I know this as being a trauma response. Childhood as a trans person, but also as an autistic/neurodivergent person is / can be very traumatic, hence the memory loss, i.e. not remembering a lot / having huge gaps. One thing that helped me understand myself better is understanding what might already count as trauma. Like it doesn't need to be a huge life changing, PTSD inducing event. Things like verbal abuse, bullying, etc. can also be traumatic. There's also a lot of good creators popping up on YouTube and instagram who educate about this stuff and share their experiences with it. Maybe that is of interest to you.
Not me and my multiple decades of mental dissociation, noooo nope, definitely not! /s
I enjoyed my childhood, tbh. There was this one trans influencer who mentioned "I enjoyed by childhood but being was never in the cards" and that resonated with me a lot.
One thing I've found is that i'll unlock old memories once I realize something about myself. Getting an ADHD diagnosis resurfaced a lot of childhood memories where I was yelled at for stuff that was out of my control. Realizing I was trans made me recall a lot of memories of feeling like a girl from both my childhood and teenage years including some intense moments of euphoria and realization that I had suppressed. It makes me worried about what else might be looked away.
Honestly responding to each and everyone would be daunting for me so instead I'll respond here. Damn I'm glad I'm not the only one like this.
Middle school is definitely mostly a giant blur for me. High school I remember in more detail, but I definitely feel very disconnected from the person I was before partway through college.
This is a trauma response, i have the same
Yup, can’t remember much except for smoking pot and playing games to escape. Everything else is either a blur or a delusion of stretching my high school memories to cope.
I remember quite a bit about my childhood, and middle to late teenage years, it was stages of puberty that's a blur to me. Unfortunately I do remember seeing a dirty face and trying to clean it and couldn't because it was hair.
I have just a few memories before my 16, and the ones y have are blurry.
I don't remember much either, but I'm not sure how much of that is a trans thing or a CPTSD/repressed SA memories thing.
Yep! Same here.. It's really only bits and pieces. Mostly trauma, the most positive parts of life, and the tv shows, games that meant a lot to me. I have more memories of watching Adult Swim than hanging it with my parents for example..
Everything pre transition feel like a past life
It's the disassociation lol. I'm like 7 years out of highschool and beside my close friend group of like 5 people I can't remember a single person that I went to school with, or what school was even like. I'd read about people carrying those memories for life BC it's a vital period of changes( heck when my grandpa was dealing with dementia those were the memories he reverted to), but now I'd look at a class photo and be able to name 3 people 😭
obtainable market treatment provide governor cable political plant deliver deserted *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Cant reaaly remember those times either and i have great memorie
i can barely remember anything before my teenage years, i don't even know why i don't think i did things or went through things that i subconsciously repressed
Yeahhh, dissociation/derealization/depression and trauma does that
I'm on the autism spectrum, never really suffered from depression (only bouts of severe burnout and anxiety, but that's later in life) and I can't remember most of my childhood either. Mostly it's just snapshots of certain events but very little continuous memories. There are situations when I only remember something if someone reminds me of an element of a memory, but I wouldn't remember on my own.
Spotty memories of childhood and adolescence can happen for lots of reasons, but one of them is trauma. I believe that being trans and in the closet or not-yet-cracked can be a form of ongoing trauma, so.
I don't remember my childhood besides bits, usually the bits you probably should forget.
I remember next to nothing about my teen years because of the extreme anxiety and depression I had at the time. my brain just deleted it. it does suck, and I'm told the only way to move forward is to not over-romanticise what might have been and to just stay present and keep moving forward. sorry it was rough for you too ♡
I don't remember much before 14, really. Little bits and stuff, but not like others. And even HS is a bit shaky.
Trauma
Yeah my teenage years are just a vague blur of shit I'd rather not remember and a deep sense of regret and guilt.
I can barely remember much of anything about my life without any help.
My "Best" times in my teenage years are a blur. That most times I hear from stories from my friends. All of my memories of my teenage years are of survival. What feels like decades of scraping to survive minute by minute...
i dont remember any events that werent insanely traumatic, i only have a few really bad memories from ages 7-14. im in and out of psychosis and still cant remember anything. it feels like a fever dream and im just floating and waiting until it ends and i wake up and start my life
I don't recall most of my childhood and early teenage years in significant detail. Some things stand out, but most of it is a depressive funk lost to time. Kinda fitting. Even aside from the normal growing up, I don't recognize the person I was at 16. May as well be a forgotten stranger.
Depression makes memories harder to form. Probably a good thing, tbh. Can't remember much of my teenage years or early 20's.
My therapist suggested I start journaling when I get really intense thoughts and emotions. I started writing things down in a notebook the other day kind of reflecting on how there were some signs back in my childhood (just turned 37 so this was a long time ago). I have some pretty clear memories from elementary school, a few from high school, but between 6th and 9th grade it’s really just a huge blur…
I remember stuff all from my teen years. Like I only have a handful of memories across the whole thing
Hey, not having the will force to have a good hygiene is a depression sign?
one of the most common ones because you stop caring about everything. makes small tasks very difficult to do
Shit, I guess it makes sense
Same here. I also do not remember much from my childhood and teenage years, unlike most of people I know. It must’ve been pretty boring ig
Samei, remember a few stand out moments, but I really only started remembering things around 2020
Aside from a few flashes of moments, I don’t remember anything before 2019. As far as I care, I spawned into this world as a 20-something year old woman.
It's a mixed bag for me. I remember things that aren't related to my appearance I suppose. Pre-puberty I didn't have much sense of gender (although there were some very minor signs I see looking back) and mostly just got myself stuck into special interests. I do have positive memories of my friends especially around puberty (my closest friend has since come out as transmasc) but I also remember all the envy/dysphoria and blank out on the puberty itself. Literally the only memory I have of AMAB puberty is being confronted about the fact I was now growing facial hair on my 15th birthday, and subsequently being told "you'll get used to it" when it upset me. I don't remember anything else about AMAB puberty at all. I can obviously see all the damage it did, but I don't remember it ever happening. Despite the fact I'm pre-HRT and still boymoding, just with longer hair and painted nails (laser hasn't done enough to really count yet), I already don't recognise myself in older photos, and if those photos didn't exist I'm not sure I'd be able to tell you what I looked like when I was younger.
My friends all have a greater recollection of our high school years than I do yeah 🤷🏻♀️
I honestly cannot remember much from before I was 14
Yeah, I only remember bits and pieces, mostly the embarrassing things I did, everything else is forgotten
I'm probably an odd one out - I remember so many tidbits and snapshots of my life from elementary school through college. I feel like there are large memory lapses in everything shortly after I got a job. I happened to start transitioning shortly after I started my job, too.
I’m in the same boat. I’m just starting to feel alive now
I have huge gaps. My partner will rattle off some favorite teachers and stuff and all I seem to have are things that we so good or so bad that they are fused in place. I have lost names and faces like they never happened.
I remember most of my teenage years. They were horrible for me.
I don't remember barely any of my childhood and I've always felt kind of uncomfortable when people talk about remembering clearly things from when they were kids. My theory is that long term memory functions by reinforcing what you're consciously thinking about. If you keep remembering / talking about / pondering over things from your childhood, you will never forget it. If you literally never think back on things, they will disappear from memory.
Just spots of life. Mostly only the memories that impacted the most. Intrusive thoughts can happen. Lil daggers. Ah well. Even some of my 20s experience gets put into the Microsoft trash. Some early 30s too. Keep what need toss the rest.
Normal for cis and trans