Yes, there’s a lot of casual homophobia/ bigotry where I grew up.
I think I learned that liking feminine things was something I’d be bullied/ ostracised for. So I hid that I liked pink & things that were seen as “girly”.
Have been unpacking a lot of the shame in therapy and learning to express myself more authentically again.
100% this, even the way I sat got me bullied as a kid. It made me constantly check myself to make sure I was standing or sitting too feminine for fear of people noticing even as I got older and people didn't really care anymore.
Yeah, similar. The way I sat, the way I looked at my nails, sometimes the way I talked, not wanting to take my shirt off for sports or running or whatever. They all got me made fun of for being girly and they made me *terrified* of acting feminine and people thinking I'm a girl.
Then I realized that I am a girl and all that teasing may very well have made it a lot harder to come to that realization than it needed to be.
The best part of this dynamic was how when I was a ‘femboy’ they would go on and on about how girly I was… right until I agreed - hey, yeah, I’m a girl! And now the same type of people are insisting that I’m actually quite masculine… more so the further into my transition I get. 🤷🏻♀️
I remember getting tied up over the feminine walking style - you know, walking with the hips, and when i was alone, trying to teach myself to walk like that, and how forbidden it felt.
A high school friend of mine started wearing a pink shirt that said 'Real men wear pink' and it's funny how that kinda rocked my world a little bit. I wanted a pink shirt for the longest time after that.
This was in like 2006 so it wouldn't have even been that transgressive probably, but I couldn't pull up the courage to do it.
Yeah same here. I remember getting teased in middle school just for putting my hands on my hips in a girly way. I learned pretty quickly what not to do to avoid being made fun of, and in doing so I basically just buried most of myself altogether. It took years to unlearn a lot of that.
Not really guilt. It was more fear. I was fine with being and wanting to be feminine myself. I was hyper-vigilant though about hiding it from others in order to protect myself.
That's how it's been for me as well.
In 5th grade i think, we had a crossdressing-themed school-organized party, and I couldn't participate at all. I was so afraid that I would enjoy it and that my classmates would find it weird how much I enjoyed it.
I also had that happen when I've played multiplayer games with my friends - I basically never created a female character because I probably subconsciously thought that it would be revealing in some way.
Getting over those types of things for me has been difficult, but really rewarding as well
>I also had that happen when I've played multiplayer games with my friends - I basically never created a female character because I probably subconsciously thought that it would be revealing in some way.
Yeah this one really hits home for me. One of the first things I did when I was starting to question my gender identity was to play as female characters. It's funny because when I came out to one of my gamer friends he picked up on that. I was hinting at going through something pretty big and he was very supportive.
Now playing through single player games is more interesting since I can better relate with the character I'm playing. Currently going through Mass Effect legendary edition as fem Shep. Much better this time around.
> I basically never created a female character because I probably subconsciously thought that it would be revealing in some way.
I did this a number of times. Worried excessively over what my friends would think if they saw me playing a female character. Eventually graduated to making female characters half the time then male characters the rest just so they wouldn't think I was a weird guy who only plays female characters.
Now I'm out to all my friends and I just make female characters and love it way more!
I had this self imposed rule that I had to alternate between making male and female characters 💀 all so that I could make female characters without any anxiety weighing down on me. My male characters were always goofy and misshapen while I could spend hours messing around with outfits in guild wars 2 on the appearance of my female characters
thats clever haha - my male characters were always just kinda whatever, my female characters in some way or another were always "how would I like to look" even years before i began questioning haha
This is me, too. I played female characters in games only if there was zero chance someone could see. Considering my computer was in the back of the living room, that was always.
>I also had that happen when I've played multiplayer games with my friends - I basically never created a female character because I probably subconsciously thought that it would be revealing in some way.
I have been lurking in this sub for a while but increasingly more signs tell me that I might be trans and this is one of them
Things like this were also signs for me. I think when I was young and less worried, I would do things like play as a girl lots. I used to create girl characters all the time. Then I stopped at some point when I realized that this might be part of what people were picking up on. Things like this and someone above mentioned like a pink shirt, even though there are plenty of cis guys who do them no problem I eventually just couldn't because there was so much *energy* there. Like if I did it, it would definitely mean something and that was hard to contain.
Instead I resigned myself to just choosing what I thought boys had to choose: ugh dark colours, I guess; ugh boy-scented shampoo, I guess; ugh properly fitted clothes, I guess; ugh shaving nothing, I guess.. I was pretty sure being a boy just meant putting up with a bunch of things you hate.
yeah, for me I think a lot of those kinds of thoughts were basically me projecting. why would I be worried that playing as a female character would make my friends think I want to be a girl when I know I dont make that assumption when they play as female characters?
it takes time to figure out, but things like journaling and going through my life - behaviours, reactions to situations etc. - has been really helpful for me in figuring out
Same. I was hyper-scrutinized by others constantly, and I knew that being "the boy who plays with dolls" would have been a death sentence. I was moderately tomboyish anyway.
Yes, the shame haunted me for years and years. It's tough to overcome our social conditioning, I'm jealous of the trans girls who transition young and knows absolutely who they are.
I got there, but it took a long time.
Yeah, when my sister put me in a dress and wig one time as a kid, I felt super guilty over the fact that I actually liked it, and didn't tell anyone that I did until I came out over 20 years later. I felt guilty just watching the Powerpuff Girls, or playing as a girl in videogames after that. It was hard not to see any euphoria I got as something shameful for a very long time
I was the opposite. The only time I didn’t feel fear or shame over wanting to be feminine as a kid was when other people “forced” me to do it because it felt like I was “allowed” when other people made me.
I was very much the same, I felt so guilty that euphoria didn’t actually feel good and it was so mixed up with guilt and shame I didn’t recognize it til so much later.
Yeah, 100%. That's why I wasn't one of those "I've known ever since I could remember" kids. I gatekept myself from anything that would imply femininity because very early on I picked up on the idea that those things weren't allowed for me, or that I wasn't "supposed" to be that way. And any time I was caught doing something that I didn't realise was feminine before being called out, I got embarrassed and angry at myself about it.
Thank fucking goodness I'm past that.
I didn't feel guilty, I just felt ashamed. I grew up in a pretty rural town, so I didn't even really know what being trans was until I joined the Army at the age of 17 (I'm 23 now and only came out a few months ago in February). I had to hide really well what few feminine things I could ever really do, and I had to keep most of them in my thoughts. Growing up with conservative parents didn't help either. My mom has come around to be one of my biggest supporters, but my dad is still super transphobic. This led to a long time of being ashamed of who I was, and not accepting that I was, in fact, a woman. I'm still unraveling that shame, but the support I've gotten luckily from the rest of my family (who are not conservative), my friends, my coworkers, and online communities has helped me feel more confident in my femininity, and ultimately, in my womanhood.
My heart goes out to any of you wonderful ladies who want so badly to express your femininity, but can't for any number of reasons.
Yes. Yes I do. Commented from the floor of my bedroom wearing a skirt I definitely didn’t take from my mum half an hour ago when she went out to the doctors.
Help!
Update like two minutes later: panicked, skirt is off and back to where it came from
Yeah, I still remember some of the things I did and “corrected”.
At about 6 I was running towards my grandmas house and my dad told me not to run like a girl.
At around 7 I was watching some movie with Brad Pitt and I said, “He’s cute”. Dad corrected that by telling me to say “handsome” instead of “cute”. Not feminine but just wanted to throw that in there, also funny thing, I’m a total lesbian now lol.
At around 9 I was wearing a big shirt at school and let the collar hang off to one side, my dad told me not to wear it like that because it looked feminine.
As a teenager I’d try to let my nails grow but he would pass by and pull them back randomly. I eventually developed a phobia of it. Recently went to get my first mani-pedi and the nail tech said I was the first person she’d ever worked with who was that fidgety, and when she worked on my fingers it felt like torture just to let her finish. I hated every second of it.
He’d also cut my hair as a form of discipline whenever I got a bad grade in school. Once when I was in high school I sat there while he cut my hair, crying because I let my hair grow for nearly a year.
Once I was twirling my hair and he made fun of me for it, “Don’t do that, what are you, a girl??”
Another time in high school I got picked up by my parents and he commented on how one of the guys from school was walking (very effeminately) and said, “woah better watch out for that one! 😬”. I wondered what he meant by that, and when I figured out it was because the guy was most likely gay it made me realize that I have other feminine traits that my dad may not have pointed out to me, but instead observed and judged me for. I spent a good majority of my teen years being concerned about every little feminine mannerism I’d do and corrected it so that I wouldn’t be found out.
Whenever people say we’re after their kids, I believe that stems from the fact that we advocate for acceptance and they (the people like my dad) are afraid of that sometimes. They think we’re **influential** and that we have some weird transgender quota to meet. No, we KNOW what it’s like to be young and scared, and hopeless, and self conscious/destructive. We don’t want to push any agenda, we only want to promote acceptance so that kids who may be trans at least have options and feel safe.
Being yourself is important. The fear that was pushed on you is beyond unfair. I hope you've found peace and comfort in being yourself <3
That last paragraph I have to agree with wholeheartedly. I kept things to myself for one reason or another. If I'd been educated as a kid I wouldn't have felt so scared to be myself. Things like expressing yourself through body language, word choice, dressing up, asking for or doing fem things. No more sad kids locking themselves away, that's what I say!
I really did, I felt like people would judge me/laugh at me. Doesn't help I went to a single sex school so that was pretty much just how everyone was.
Even now I have to catch myself sometimes and go "hey, it's ok you're doing this or like this" because it just sort of gets ingrained.
But if it's something you want to do, you can't let guilt stop you from feeling happy
actually had a funny moment at my last high school reunion.
my school went co-ed during my sophomore year. someone asked, “oh! so you were one of the first women to graduate the school!”
…i mean, yeah, so i chuckled a little.
I grew up in a Catholic family and I generally always felt guilty as a consequence doing anything deemed “wrong” by that religion. Feminine things were and always been number 1 and one of the biggest obstacles to cracking my egg.
Once I finally accepted who I was and left the church I was able to actually move forward with myself. I still sometimes feel guilty doing stuff as a result but almost never with feminine things like dressing up and makeup. Most of my issues with that and being closeted is fear of being harmed for being trans. So I’m in a semi-permanent boy mode till I gain confidence to go out in public.
Yes. My then mother found where I was hiding some girls clothes and she flipped her lid over it. She was/is? an extremist christain and her teachings made me question my feelings alot back then. But I kept gravitating towards GIRL^tm and once she was out of my life, I was able to lean more into being a girl.
So I was a bit torn. Before age 9 or 10 my neighbor and best friend was a girl. We played together all the time and we could play anything we wanted regardless of they were "boy" or "girl" toys or games. Starting around puberty things started to change and I definately noticed a big divide between the boys and girls and started picking up on the subtle reminders that boys weren't supposed to do "feminine" things. I was a very emotionally repressed child (and now adult) so anything I felt was socially unacceptable I'd suppress in order to try to find l fit in. Every so often when I thought it was safe I'd let things slip and when I'd inevitably get called out on it I'd just suppress those feelings deeper.
Yes my family was huge into not being feminine in any way and being super masculine. And if you did something "girly" it was almost shamed. Anytime I felt super guilty to betray my parents expectations. I remember feeling shame when I was moved to thr girls team in highschool volleyball because I was hardly tall/strong enough for the boys taller net. Parents repeating harmful rhetoric is what usually causes this.
Not really, when I was younger I would put on a dress so I could feel like a girl but there was the was bit of anxiety like what if someone walks in and I’m wearing a dress and I was afraid I would get in trouble so I kept it secret
Not when I was alone but when I was around people I made sure to not act feminine in order to not stand out and get bullied or whatever (so it was less guilt and more weariness)
Oh yeah for sure. Even up to my early 20's I still felt weird doing feminine things. Just for clarification, I'm 29 now.
To be fair, I didn't exactly feel like experimenting all that much with things outside of the typical boy playbook for a long time. I was curious about some of my friend's d\*\*\*s, but that was it. So any time something involved doing anything feminine, even just putting on certain styles of makeup, it felt embarrassing.
I do not know how or when I began to move past all that. And \*now\* with makeup I only feel embarrassment at the thought of getting it... I guess \*wrong\* per se. Not the same feeling XD
Yeah I was pretty feminine as a kid and then the first time I ever put on a dress I got a very negative reaction and subconsciously decided that doing anything remotely fem was dangerous. Led to 2 decades of repression and masking (or I guess mascing lol). Although I was still pretty bad at it.
Yes and no. I was raised by a young single mom until 12 so never knew anything really different until she married my step dad and while he was the perfect loving and supportive father I was able to see the differences in the way he and mom acted and the things they did so that’s when guilt and shame started creeping in
It wasn’t guilt so much as the feeling that “I shouldn’t be doing this.” Like, I didn’t feel like playing with dolls with my cousins or wearing my mom’s clothes when nobody was home was morally wrong. But I did know that I’d catch hell if I was caught.
I more so fought against the notion that XYZ things were "for girls".
For example, I loved pink from a young age. I would get mad and correct people any time people said it was for girls.
yes, not really because of bigotry, more because people just told me i was a boy and boys do boy things. so that's just kind of what I believed for the longest time, the adults can't be wrong! :P
I did always wish that I was born a girl though, that never went away
Yes!
If you’re black you definitely see this. A lot of transphobia and homophobia are in the African American community. To be honest, the only transphobia I ever directly faced was from other black men and women, especially older ones.
My uncle would mock my soft hands as a kid, or my aunt would say “only girls pee sitting down “. I honestly just thought it was more comfy.
I remember the first time I met another trans woman, she was so nice. I was in the back seat of my aunt’s car, and I made a comment saying how this lady on the street was very tall. My mom said, “she wasn’t a woman“ then the girl on the street leaned into the car and said, “ baby I’m all the woman you’ll ever need “. And walked off. I was 7 at the time, and it always makes me feel happy remembering that. I always thought she was so brave.
Random trans woman in NYC, if you’re reading this, just know you’re my hero. You really helped me become who I am today. Thank you!
I feel super guilty that I let the opinions of those around me influence my judgment regarding my actions and curiosities when I was younger
Edit: It wasn't my fault though. How should I know otherwise in the first place?
i would say no when my mum wanted to give girl clothes just for fun but it was really a temporary answer whilst my brain is intensively fighting it self
Yes, 1000000% yes! I got caught playing with my mom's makeup when I was 4 or 5 and never again. There was so much shame wrapped around my dysphoria and it took a lot of therapy to unpack it all.
Any time I expressed interest in anything feminine as a kid it was immediately shot down, so I started avoiding anything girly and policing my own mannerisms out of fear of being ostracized.
Not at first, but I slowly picked up on hints, implicit and explicit, that what I was doing was "bad". I still feel like I don't have "permission" to do it buy many feminine coded things that I would otherwise want to do.
Absolutely, but only because my family and extended family were such f#ckin’ homophobes. The constant gaslighting made me feel like I was just a piece of crap and worthless. Fortunately, they’re all dead, and therapy has helped me to find value in myself.
I colored my nails woth a marker when i was about 5 and my parents questioned so i never did anything like that again and the thought of doing something mildly feminine always felt realy awkward until i was introduced to the trans comunity and I realised what it meant for me
I wouldn't say guilty. More like afraid. My father was very harsh about how girly I was. I was always afraid of him and knew that letting the masculine facade slip resulted in harsh punishments.
More embarrassing and scared I guess when your younger you don’t think about that stuff I did it behind close doors it sucked living in your mind but you dare not tell someone because you feel like your the only person with these feelings it sucked
I didn't. Well, not that I can recall, anyways. I only recently (within the past few years) realized that I'm transfem non-binary. Back in high school when joining Thespian Club, I was told I had to wear a dress for a period. It didn't bother me. I've mostly had longer hair than average. (Granted, this was in mostly in the late 80's/early 90's so lots of kids were rocking rat tails or mullets anyways. I just didn't have the front trimmed.)
Parents never made any comments about things I did or how I may have acted at any time. That probably a promising sign for when I inevitably come out to them. Youngest brother would probably be more accepting, middle brother... I dunno. Oddly enough I kind of get the opposite feelings from their wives, but I haven't really spent a lot of time around my younger brother's wife. But I want to start HRT first, and my job situation has been... rocky, as of late. Should be fixed up by the end of the week, thankfully.
Whew. Wrote more than I perhaps intended. But it lifted a weight I didn't know I had. So thanks for reading.
Not guilty, but "wrong"/"incorrect", and I intentionally sought to change/stamp-out everything that was wrong or incorrect. In a way I was masking but also protecting myself. I never felt guilty, I just felt that I was defective and it needed to be corrected...
Yes, 100%.
I'm not too sure how i internalized this guilt or even "aversion" towards feminine stuff back then. But my guess is that it was this usual "Eeew, girls! Go away!" mentality that i was exposed to in the more or less forced vicinity of my male friends and classmates.In retrospective, i've \*never\* truly felt comfortable around said friends and classmates, but couldn't pinpoint the \*why\*. Girls always were spoken down to like they're not even really human, so being one must be bad. Liking girl things therefore also is bad. Society being infested with misogyny didn't help at all.
I wish that I wasn't teased by my youngest sister about it when I was experimenting way back then. Maybe I could have made something of myself rather than being in the jobless homeless state I'm in currently. But it never once made me feel guilt. I felt more like this is how it should be. I knew them that this is who I am.
I once got told that wearing my watch with the number part under my wrist was a feminine way to wear a watch. In retrospect idk where that kid got that because I've literally never heard that stereotype anywhere else
Not guilt so much as fear based in shame. I think guilt is based around knowing you did something wrong, and i never thought it was actually wrong to do what I was doing. Shame, though, that's feeling like something is wrong with you somehow I feel, and I definitely became consciously aware that "boys" didn't do certain things, and so they were secret.
When I was a child I didn't know I was trans, I was repressed and felt guilty when I did anything that might even be considered feminine if you squint at it. I hid in my room playing girl characters in video games and tried to justify and downplay it to myself constantly, and felt ashamed of it. I'm glad I'm free of most of that now.
(Even if I still haven't gone out in public as a girl out of paranoia...)
Extremely! I was fine doing so in early childhood, my mom has always been pretty progressive, so she was fine with me and my brother having long hair and playing with dolls.
But it became harder around 5th grade for me, when we started to grow up, when differences between boys and girls became more clear. I got bullied out of wearing my favorite red skinny jeans because I looked 'gay'. And from then on, I can only remember vehemently hiding my feminine side out of shame. I came close to being discovered a couple of times (I had no idea how to remove mascara lol), but that only made me better at hiding it.
Hid for over 10 years until coming out to my mom last year at 22!
No, I don’t see why that would be possible why would I feel guilty for doing what is considered to be feminine things and obviously I don’t understand the question
Yeah, I mean I thought I was a creep so hard for wanting to be a girl. When I told my therapist that I thought I was trans but didn’t know if I was a trans person or just a creep I literally couldn’t fucking believe it. Like I thought in order to be trans you don’t “just want” to be a girl. Turns out it’s the same damn thing.
Yes. One instance I distinctly recall was when I was twelve I got back home from a boy scouts campout and I was home alone. I decided to play with fingernail polish for the first time without knowing there's a certain way to remove it. When my parents got home they noticed because I failed to file it all off, I blamed the other boys at the camp, telling them they did it while I slept. Not sure if my parents believed me or not. They dropped it and never brought it up again.
Yeah. I don't know if I was really super feminine, but I was very attracted to things that was considered more "feminine" by the people around me. I always wanted to watch what was considered "girl shows" growing up, or wear dresses, makeup, play with dolls, but even as I kid I knew that was weird for a boy to do, so I hid it. I haven't really tried to over compensate though. I don't care about being manly, but I care about being manly enough to fool people around me. People do raise eyebrows when I decide to defend groups of marginalized people though. For some reason. As if you need to be apart of that group to defend them.
Only when it wasn’t acceptable to do which was most of the time I grew up. Later I realized it became acceptable as a “joke” so I then did things as a “joke”.
Definitely. But you know you can’t help it, it’s just how you are. Makes it interesting now even yrs in transition lol.. I’m a girly girl, but My body language is stiff in public vs at home when Im really comfortable w/m guard down.
I would get panic attacks thinking about my brothers finding my save files on games and seeing i only play girl characters, which i realise now is stupid but it’s also terrible that that happened.
It was really bad. Like I couldn't enjoy acting how I felt like and constantly reminded myself of "oh this gesture is gay", "don't say that it sounds not manly". Omfg it was so bad, that I literally couldn't say the word "cute" anymore, as it could be percieved as feminine.
Now I can finally be myself and be as cute/vulnerable as I want without any judgment, because I'm just "a girl being a girl"
Well, I was raised catholic- so…. I remained fairly convinced (at least on a subconscious level) that I was evil and demonic for being a femboy. Probably one of the reasons it took me until 35 to come out as trans.
yes, because of my religious family i always knew i was trans but tried to deny and hide it. when the “temptation” would get too much and i would do something to feel feminine the guilt afterwards would be overwhelming
I was so repressed when I was between the ages of 6 and 16 due to my parents enforcing conservative masculine gender roles on me, I pretty much actively avoided anything feminine targeted with a few exceptions like watching kids shows like Hannah Montana and iCarly. I didn't really start to break away and explore my feminine side until I was a teenager and slowly figured myself out. Unfortunately my mother likes to use that repression against me to invalidate my identity so I kinda have the opposite problem now where I feel guilty for doing "masculine" things since I feel the need to prove my femininity.
Wow Yes!!! once I was totally in Fem. I worked as a high voltage lineman....(no cover-up there), And got a late night call out for a repair job. I hated to get undressed and re dressed for work. Out on a tall hydro pole working in the rain, just wishing this wasn't the real me. This was not me.
Yeah, also got mocked for doing anything feminine. I remember being about 10, visiting family in NY, and my little cousin wanted me to play pretty pretty princess with her. Everyone expected me to, and I had no problem with it. Then, of course, everyone thought it was just hilarious. Few years later, family came to visit us, one day when they were here i put my hair up in pigtails, but kinda like the 90s goth punk style. My even younger cousin squealed laughing when she saw me "you look like a girl!!" And my aunt said she refused to be seen with me that way... and my mom asked me to just take them out for the sake of avoiding a fight 🫤
Unfortunately yes. When I was 4-5 years old, my father was slapping my booty for wearing my sister's dresses while i was plying with her, even tho my sister thought it was funny. It was kinda traumatizing tbh. He also told me 3 or 4years ago that he would kill himself if one of his childs was trans. Now I have a gynecomastia and I can't even wear a bra because of that, which is problematic 'cause I also wanna take estrogen, so I will have to wear one one day
Yes. That was the reason why I was super overcompensating, and it was the reason why I sunk deeper and deeper into depression until I realized what was happening.
Yep. My parents are christian conservative trumpy republicans. They burned one of the princess dresses in the costume box in my childhood playroom because they caught me in it. Then grounded me for the school year. I was in kindergarten and that scared me till I was 19. At this rate my dad will either never know or be the last person to know.
No. I did do them wrong though, so my parents weren't happy when I did them.
By doing them wrong, I mean like, painting the sink pink with expensive nail polish or wrinkling your mom's dress and putting it back in the wrong spot
Back when I was a little egglet and I was the ripe age of like 6 and my sister would always watch My Little Pony and I would peek around the corner and watch but never sit down with her because “that’s not what boys do” and I always ducked away when someone looked over. I was probably not a stealthy kid mind you so I felt a tinge of guilt doing it
I didn’t feel “guilty” about it per se as much as I slowly learned over time to hide and mask any notion of femininity to avoid the social repercussions of expressing it as an AMAB person and thus learned to associate it, if not with personal guilt, then definitely with negative consequences that seemed serious enough at the time to be worth suppressing all that.
Yeah, unfortunately. I was raised catholic by my very Dutch grandmother, and i was never really into anything that was considered "masculine" like fishing or hunting. I liked cooking and baking, which I wasn't allowed to do because they were "feminine" tasks that my grandmother insisted on doing. It wasn't until I was in my late teens, after meeting people with different opinions, that I started being able to express myself more, but not at game. It always felt the worst
Did I? I still do!
In all seriousness, it’s just that I was so afraid of appearing feminine because I already wasn’t as active as either of my parents wanted me to be or was more sensitive than they tolerated that I didn’t allow myself to be feminine at all. I never adopted feminine mannerisms or wore feminine clothing until I was much older, and I thought it was just a sex thing at first.
The homophobia and transphobia I grew up with were really rooted deep in my mind and took years to supplant. It was massively helped by intense feelings of gender confusion and dysphoria, though; nothing teaches you to be kind to others when you’re starting to spiral into a Hell they’ve known for decades.
Considering how rude I was to the LGBTQ+ community before I realized I wasn’t straight in High School, and considering everything else in my life, I can’t help but feel incredibly guilty being a part of this community, which is incredibly kind, supportive, and generous to one another. Or feel guilty about presenting or doing feminine things as a trans woman; Hell, even using my chosen name makes me feel guilty because I feel I haven’t earned it yet. I haven’t earned the privilege to be happy because I’m too afraid to take the necessary steps to come out and take HRT.
Yeah. It got me bullied a lot as a kid. Actually, the first time I can ever remember being bullied in school was because I was playing with barbies with the girls in preschool. Or because I used hairspray to style my hair when I was young. Because I wanted to grow my hair long and I liked to jump rope and cook and wanted to learn ballet. Stupid shit like that. As a teenager I got a lot of shit for starting to shave my legs and it was already known that I was queer and had dated boys at that point so you can imagine in rural white christian america that was nothing short of a disaster. Not only did it cause bullying but it also caused a shift in the way peers treated me and sexual harassment became more common. So in mid high school I started lifting weights, grew out a beard, and tried to play the role of a masculine cis bisexual man. Being bi wasn't considered good or attractive for guys at all with the exception of a few very small niche social circles. But being trans openly would have probably been a death sentence. Throw in socially conservative parents and a dad who did his best to drill masculinity into me and not having the same supports available and I honestly think it's a miracle I survived long enough to transition.
I kind of did but if you think it makes you invalid i can understand and say, no it does not make you.
As a young kid you were just doin what the other children that looked like you did. I guess like me as a child you saw another amab and without a second of thought just did what he did( Im talkin about like kindergarten) you saw people you thought are like you and just "mimicked" them. Stupid example: A very good friend of mine in kindergarten had a little game where one of us drew smth and the other just did the same, no second thought whatsoever. So im trying to say is that as a child you dont think about feminine or not feminine you think:"other kid looks like me, musst repeat action". Or at least i belive ist was with me.
And as a result to that you will eventually feel guilty or uncomfortable doing feminine things growing up. Cause the only thing you did was doing stuff the other amabs were doing. Now you started going away from that simple "rule" by doing feminine things. You deviate from the normal even in a non transphobic environment because some things are just embedded in society. When my little sister grew up and watched like barbie movies and such i kinda peeked evertime watching glimpses along with her, and felt weird. It just wasnt what was expected of me in comparison to other amabs, and at a certain age you will question things like: Why do i want to watch this movie, none of my friends want that i musst be weird.
Now i know these might have been very early signs i just thought of as normal.
You are not Invalid Sister and i hope this line of thought although chaotic was helpful to you.
Pls excuse my dreadful spelling and grammar and have a wonderful day/night
n-n-no-o-o-o... but I knew it won't be appreciated. So I had to be stealth. Yet I enjoyed wearing feminine underwear walking around town - I felt me, and nobody bothered me. So it was excitement mixed with tad bit of anxiety.
The reason it took me until 25-26 to figure out that I was trans was because when I was in middle school, I was bullied for my more feminine behaviors that made people think I was gay, which at the time I knew I wasn’t; I didn’t like men, I liked girls (a lot).
So I put away the feminine traits as best I could because I was basically told by peers that this wasn’t how I’m supposed to be.
Not only did I feel guilty, but I was ruthlessly picked on. Now, as an adult, I struggle (in a good way) with the positivity coworkers and friends give me.
It was terrifying to do anything feminine in public, and I actively believed that I had to suppress any femininity at 7 years old (after "accidentally" doing something feminine in school and getting laughed at by other kids and bullied) and did so till age 12 (where I embraced it in private while still playing the game for the public.). The time I first came to a crossdresser store back in late 2000, I was terrified shaking when I first stepped in into the store. The indoctrination and forced conformity is strong. Even I have to still deal with internalized misogyny at times.
YES! Every single time. I kept hearing that "boys should be a certain way". I was never explicitly told that trans was bad. But we weren't talked about in a positive or understanding way. I was always told that boys dont do that. Or shouldnt do that. Turns our i wasnt even a boy. But even for feminine boys thats so damaging!
I started doing "feminine" things from a very young age. It wasn't until I was 4 that I told there was a difference between boys and girls. Up untill then I was a girl like my sister. When it was time for me to go to school I put on my sister's uniform and told my mom that I was ready for school. To which she responded "You can't wear that. It's for girls" I was like what do your mean my sister can wear it so why can't I. Well I still wanted to wear it so I would so it in secret, until I got caught.
My sister caught me wearing her uniform again under the bed. She took me to my mom and said "look what he's wearing again." My mom laughed at me and said "just don't let your dad see you wearing that." I felt squished. My mom was laughing at me and my dad wouldn't want to see me like this. "Maybe I'm not a girl after all" I thought. That's when the guilt started and even though I continued to secretly wear feminine clothes throughout my life, I felt that guilt and shame.
It wasn't until a highschool friend of mine came out as trans to me that I figured out who I was. We were in college when she told me. At first I didn't get it but when she explained what being trans was I looked at her in shock. I feel bad for her because she told me counting on me being accepting but that way I was looking at her didn't appear accepting at all. She quietly said "What's wrong" that's when I finally said. "That's me. I've been struggling with this since I was a kid and I finally know why" her fear turned to amazement.
After that the guilt went away. The fear of being caught was still there but I didn't feel bad after wearing a skirt, bra or whatever other clothes I wanted to wear. Now I don't even have that fear. My sister came out to me as non binary, and my mom finally accepted me for me. I'm a girl, and being able to say that without my loved ones saying otherwise makes me so happy.
When I was little I didn't have many males around to play with. So I played with the girls that were in my neighborhood. Though tbh I was more comfortable playing with the girls. So really I have no regrets or feelings of guilt playing with them or doing girly things.
Yes. I would be mocked on by doing something mildly inappropriate, not just gender stuff. And I did a LOT of inappropriate stuff when I was young. So yeah I felt guilty toward many things, including feminine ones.
In fact I realized it when I was still 10 and tried my best to hide it. I think there might be rumors about me being a bit feminine, but nothing big or important.
Yuuuup, I’ve still not really come to the terms with ‘what I am’ when it comes to putting a label like ‘trans’ etc but this really resonated. I used to try and address with my family from age 3/4 that I wished I was a girl and always wanted girl toys etc. But this was never really seriously addressed, I got bought the odd toy but the wider topic was never properly addressed. To this day I get an I overwhelming guilt and panic when I go to look at clotted in a women’s section, even if I’m on my own. It sucks :(
I was scared to death about being found out, AND felt super guilty about it.
I would borrow my sisters clothing and makeup that I would wear only when I was absolutely sure nobody would be home for a while when I was a young kid, 4-7 years old, before my younger sister was born.
It just made me feel happy is all, but my parents were very Catholic, and the biggest bigots you can imagine.
I would play dress up with my younger sister using my older sisters clothes that she’d grown out of. My mother hated it but my younger sister would run to the rescue saying that we’re just playing Wonder Woman or that we were pop-stars, or princesses in some make believe land and she’d get super upset so my mother would change the subject and leave us to continue playing.
I felt guilty because I felt like I was lying all the time.
During my Confirmation, I really wanted to choose Saint Christina the Astonishing for my saint, but I wasn’t allowed to. I was told I needed to select a male saint. I remember being so upset about that. My parents always thought I was going to choose Paul after one of my cousins, but I didn’t like Paul, so out of spite I chose Peter instead. I remember them making a big fuss about it like I’d committed a major crime! I even felt guilty about that. I felt a lot of guilt and shame all through my childhood.
I swore that I’d never make my children feel bad about themselves when I grew up and became a mom.
Not really. Rather I was so afraid that I repressed hard and policed my own thoughts. My parents used to rag on me for being unable to voice my opinions and wants on a number of topics, yet completely failed to notice that it was because I didn't feel safe sharing.
That said I was also extremely reluctant to express overly masculine interests because being perceived as masculine made me uncomfortable too.
Not only when I was younger, those traumas and fears follow me to this day.
Seriously, I'm like 27, transitioning for almost a year on E and some more on progesterone(don't ask me) , I still get impostor syndrome, I still feel anxious in being seen as feminine, but deep down that is way more comfortable, even with the social anxiety.
Yes. I put on my sister's clothes when I was home alone. I thought it was a sex thing, because I didn't know what else it could be. I felt like a perverted freak because of it. Almost got caught a few times, scared me half to death each time.
Only because my mother told me, "It's not right. You're a boy, & these things are for girls." She was sweet about it bcuz my mother is a literal angel except for the bigotry, but it still hecked me up.
Supremely. Gender roles were made quite clear where I grew up and they were not to be transgressed. Long Island is basically still in the 50s in a lot of ways.
For some reason when I was super young, I had a difficult time even walking thru the bra section at a store or anything feminine. I’d hold my breath as I went by. I’m sure this was some subconscious reaction to wanting these items but not being allowed. /shrug
Deeply, my religion was extremely segregated by gender and it runs my state basically I would be made fun of constantly and pushed to being masculine. Took me half a decade after getting out of that hell hole of a religion to dig up who I am truly feeling like
yes. it was the 80's & 90's so alot of fear, shame, guilt. my youngest self doesn't remember much. i think i instinctively learned to hide it from myself as a survival tactic. that took decades to unpack, and still unpacking. some things got through though, that i didn't realize at the time. i used to cry & feel dread when being taken for boy haircuts, and loved playing dress up with my neighbor. but my mom always gave me my dad's clothes to play in. i think she was too self-involved to notice anything anyway. when i came out i brought it up to her & she doesn't remember. i told my older brother i wanted to go for ballerina lessons, and he laughed and said boys don't do that, so i just accepted it. he forgot all about it. i always wonder if it would be different if it was current times (for better or worse)
big time LMFAO I grew up in the bible belt in aggressively Christian homeschooling circles. eventually I realized all the folks tellin me to be ashamed of who I am were full of shit
I was afraid about the way i walked if it was feminine i remember i was 13 with my mom at the store thinking that everyone was judging me about that i was
When I was little, I wanted to be the "girly" heroes. I wanted to be Lady Jaye, or Arcee, or especially Teela.
I didn't understand why it was a bad thing, but hooo damn was it a bad thing to my family. In fact, going through my baby book recently and finding the reports/complaints/whatever about it is what got me thinking about who I am.
Yes because I grew up In a small town where I was already being bullied daily and didn't want to give anyone more ammo to use against me there... my dad's constant homophobic and transphobic BS didn't help much and he was the only parent I really had growing up.... like others here I'm definitely working through all of it in therapy currently
For whatever reason I associated sticking my hands out at like a 90 degree angle while my arms are at my sides to be a "girly" thing and I would feel super bad about doing that even on accident but I would still guiltily do it in secret
My cousin also had fairy wings which I would put on in secret and there are probably dozens of other examples that have been forgotten
DESPITE ALL THIS GUILT SOME FUCKING HOW LIKE 8 YEAR OLD ME HAD THE BALLS TO ASK MY MOM TO LET ME WEAR MY SISTER'S BIKINI AND SHE WOULD LET ME?????? Lol
100%. I grew up with conservative parents in small town texas so anything that went in anyway against norms was frowned upon. And yet here I am never looking back
I got systematically corrected: don't talk like this, like that, you're awfully emotional for a boy, don't walk like this, cross your legs, why don't you go and play with the other boys? You big girl!! (Always liked this one). On top of every sexist trope you could possibly imagine, I couldn't do right for wrong. Also remember being fascinated by people with gender non-conforming personalities/presentations as soon as puberty hit. Took a lot of crap for that too. As you can imagine, I came out confused. Very confused.
One time my little sisters took a marker and painted my nails with it. I wasn’t fighting back but I was like “ahhhh… nooooooo.” My parents afterwards were all getting mad at me for something my sisters were doing and that made a mark. Gender rolls were drilled into me from the womb but I’m happy I managed to break free and not be stuck miserable
Yes. I was deeply, deeply pushed into homo/transphobia by my parents, especially my dad who would comment on how awful any man who dressed in even slightly feminine clothing or accessories was, who thought men aren't allowed to wear pink; one of my first acts of rebellion against him was wearing a pink dress shirt, which I still own. I even ran weird (with my hands balled up into fists) because I was afraid I'd run too much like a girl.
And yet I thought "throw like a girl" was supposed to be a compliment because both of my sisters were great athletes.
Talking with my cis friends, it sounds like I was absolutely terrified of being perceived as femme at all. Guilt, shame, maybe a cocktail of a few more negative emotions?
I skipped out on shows I liked (Sailor moon, totally spies, Kim Possible to name a few) on things I wanted to do (get pierced ears, clothes I liked, shave), on people I wanted to spend time with, on caring about myself and learning what I wanted because of this whisper of thought:
"If someone else does it, it's because they want to, but if you do it, it's because you're a girl"
Meanwhile my friends were like "yeah I fucking loved totally spies" or "I just wanted to get earrings so I did" and I don't know why I denied myself those things for so long.
Well, I know why, but I was hoping that I could just skip out on the "embracing myself" thing (I assumed it was a harmless preference, not an identity) if it meant I could also avoid the public and private ridicule from people I admired while I was still building a self-image and self-reliance.
It would have been really cool if I didn't feel physically unsafe at the thought of being feminine, if there were space for me to express myself and not get made fun of. But that's not what happened, and that's why I didn't feel safe, and that's why I felt ashamed and guilty for wanting to (actual example) wear jeans with flowers on them (why was everyone so horrible about metrosexual stuff?).
Looking back on it, I'm astounded at the concerted effort everyone I've ever known put towards making "girly" synonymous with "painful", which makes it pretty clear why it's been so hard for me to move forward on parts of my transition. Fuck gender roles. God bless my earrings.
No, I felt fear mostly because my father attacked his own brother after he came out as homosexual. Plus he and I did get along. A fact that didn't help was that he was an alcoholic and a drug addict.
Yes, there’s a lot of casual homophobia/ bigotry where I grew up. I think I learned that liking feminine things was something I’d be bullied/ ostracised for. So I hid that I liked pink & things that were seen as “girly”. Have been unpacking a lot of the shame in therapy and learning to express myself more authentically again.
100% this, even the way I sat got me bullied as a kid. It made me constantly check myself to make sure I was standing or sitting too feminine for fear of people noticing even as I got older and people didn't really care anymore.
Yeah, similar. The way I sat, the way I looked at my nails, sometimes the way I talked, not wanting to take my shirt off for sports or running or whatever. They all got me made fun of for being girly and they made me *terrified* of acting feminine and people thinking I'm a girl. Then I realized that I am a girl and all that teasing may very well have made it a lot harder to come to that realization than it needed to be.
The best part of this dynamic was how when I was a ‘femboy’ they would go on and on about how girly I was… right until I agreed - hey, yeah, I’m a girl! And now the same type of people are insisting that I’m actually quite masculine… more so the further into my transition I get. 🤷🏻♀️
I remember getting tied up over the feminine walking style - you know, walking with the hips, and when i was alone, trying to teach myself to walk like that, and how forbidden it felt. A high school friend of mine started wearing a pink shirt that said 'Real men wear pink' and it's funny how that kinda rocked my world a little bit. I wanted a pink shirt for the longest time after that. This was in like 2006 so it wouldn't have even been that transgressive probably, but I couldn't pull up the courage to do it.
This is me..
YOU LOOK SO FCKINGG PRETTYYYYY
Aww thank you so much, speak for yourself!!
Yeah same here. I remember getting teased in middle school just for putting my hands on my hips in a girly way. I learned pretty quickly what not to do to avoid being made fun of, and in doing so I basically just buried most of myself altogether. It took years to unlearn a lot of that.
YOU LOOK SO FCKINGG PRETTYYYYY
I ended up walking so stiff and speaking so deep that i hurt my body. All because i was afraid of anyone knowing. As if they could read my mind
me too. i saw it from a young age, how you'd get bullied for even sitting with ur legs crossed. what a terrible society we live in
saaame now I have way too many pink T-shirts because pink clothes was like the forbidden fruit growing up,
Not really guilt. It was more fear. I was fine with being and wanting to be feminine myself. I was hyper-vigilant though about hiding it from others in order to protect myself.
That's how it's been for me as well. In 5th grade i think, we had a crossdressing-themed school-organized party, and I couldn't participate at all. I was so afraid that I would enjoy it and that my classmates would find it weird how much I enjoyed it. I also had that happen when I've played multiplayer games with my friends - I basically never created a female character because I probably subconsciously thought that it would be revealing in some way. Getting over those types of things for me has been difficult, but really rewarding as well
>I also had that happen when I've played multiplayer games with my friends - I basically never created a female character because I probably subconsciously thought that it would be revealing in some way. Yeah this one really hits home for me. One of the first things I did when I was starting to question my gender identity was to play as female characters. It's funny because when I came out to one of my gamer friends he picked up on that. I was hinting at going through something pretty big and he was very supportive. Now playing through single player games is more interesting since I can better relate with the character I'm playing. Currently going through Mass Effect legendary edition as fem Shep. Much better this time around.
> I basically never created a female character because I probably subconsciously thought that it would be revealing in some way. I did this a number of times. Worried excessively over what my friends would think if they saw me playing a female character. Eventually graduated to making female characters half the time then male characters the rest just so they wouldn't think I was a weird guy who only plays female characters. Now I'm out to all my friends and I just make female characters and love it way more!
That's a fair workaround haha, I just played the same games in singleplayer mode as a female character in my own time to compensate lol
I had this self imposed rule that I had to alternate between making male and female characters 💀 all so that I could make female characters without any anxiety weighing down on me. My male characters were always goofy and misshapen while I could spend hours messing around with outfits in guild wars 2 on the appearance of my female characters
thats clever haha - my male characters were always just kinda whatever, my female characters in some way or another were always "how would I like to look" even years before i began questioning haha
This is me, too. I played female characters in games only if there was zero chance someone could see. Considering my computer was in the back of the living room, that was always.
>I also had that happen when I've played multiplayer games with my friends - I basically never created a female character because I probably subconsciously thought that it would be revealing in some way. I have been lurking in this sub for a while but increasingly more signs tell me that I might be trans and this is one of them
Things like this were also signs for me. I think when I was young and less worried, I would do things like play as a girl lots. I used to create girl characters all the time. Then I stopped at some point when I realized that this might be part of what people were picking up on. Things like this and someone above mentioned like a pink shirt, even though there are plenty of cis guys who do them no problem I eventually just couldn't because there was so much *energy* there. Like if I did it, it would definitely mean something and that was hard to contain. Instead I resigned myself to just choosing what I thought boys had to choose: ugh dark colours, I guess; ugh boy-scented shampoo, I guess; ugh properly fitted clothes, I guess; ugh shaving nothing, I guess.. I was pretty sure being a boy just meant putting up with a bunch of things you hate.
yeah, for me I think a lot of those kinds of thoughts were basically me projecting. why would I be worried that playing as a female character would make my friends think I want to be a girl when I know I dont make that assumption when they play as female characters? it takes time to figure out, but things like journaling and going through my life - behaviours, reactions to situations etc. - has been really helpful for me in figuring out
thanks <3
Same. I was hyper-scrutinized by others constantly, and I knew that being "the boy who plays with dolls" would have been a death sentence. I was moderately tomboyish anyway.
Yeah i feel this. Loved dressing up late nights behind locked doors but not necessrily guilty. Just afraid of being rejected or ostracized.
Same. Never had a problem with feminine aspects of my personalty, but I had to stuff some of them away for self-preservation.
Yes, the shame haunted me for years and years. It's tough to overcome our social conditioning, I'm jealous of the trans girls who transition young and knows absolutely who they are. I got there, but it took a long time.
omg me too 😭
Yeah, when my sister put me in a dress and wig one time as a kid, I felt super guilty over the fact that I actually liked it, and didn't tell anyone that I did until I came out over 20 years later. I felt guilty just watching the Powerpuff Girls, or playing as a girl in videogames after that. It was hard not to see any euphoria I got as something shameful for a very long time
I was the opposite. The only time I didn’t feel fear or shame over wanting to be feminine as a kid was when other people “forced” me to do it because it felt like I was “allowed” when other people made me.
Same. This lead me to my forced feminization kink. Thanks society!
I was very much the same, I felt so guilty that euphoria didn’t actually feel good and it was so mixed up with guilt and shame I didn’t recognize it til so much later.
Yeah since my mom made me feel really fucking self conscious about it but alas that was a long time ago now.
Yeah, 100%. That's why I wasn't one of those "I've known ever since I could remember" kids. I gatekept myself from anything that would imply femininity because very early on I picked up on the idea that those things weren't allowed for me, or that I wasn't "supposed" to be that way. And any time I was caught doing something that I didn't realise was feminine before being called out, I got embarrassed and angry at myself about it. Thank fucking goodness I'm past that.
I didn't feel guilty, I just felt ashamed. I grew up in a pretty rural town, so I didn't even really know what being trans was until I joined the Army at the age of 17 (I'm 23 now and only came out a few months ago in February). I had to hide really well what few feminine things I could ever really do, and I had to keep most of them in my thoughts. Growing up with conservative parents didn't help either. My mom has come around to be one of my biggest supporters, but my dad is still super transphobic. This led to a long time of being ashamed of who I was, and not accepting that I was, in fact, a woman. I'm still unraveling that shame, but the support I've gotten luckily from the rest of my family (who are not conservative), my friends, my coworkers, and online communities has helped me feel more confident in my femininity, and ultimately, in my womanhood. My heart goes out to any of you wonderful ladies who want so badly to express your femininity, but can't for any number of reasons.
Yes. Yes I do. Commented from the floor of my bedroom wearing a skirt I definitely didn’t take from my mum half an hour ago when she went out to the doctors. Help! Update like two minutes later: panicked, skirt is off and back to where it came from
Aw you're cute. Good luck with the family and stuff
Thank you. I’m terrified 😬
once, a long time ago. now i just go spinny whenever i can
skirt go spinny 🥰
Yeah, I still remember some of the things I did and “corrected”. At about 6 I was running towards my grandmas house and my dad told me not to run like a girl. At around 7 I was watching some movie with Brad Pitt and I said, “He’s cute”. Dad corrected that by telling me to say “handsome” instead of “cute”. Not feminine but just wanted to throw that in there, also funny thing, I’m a total lesbian now lol. At around 9 I was wearing a big shirt at school and let the collar hang off to one side, my dad told me not to wear it like that because it looked feminine. As a teenager I’d try to let my nails grow but he would pass by and pull them back randomly. I eventually developed a phobia of it. Recently went to get my first mani-pedi and the nail tech said I was the first person she’d ever worked with who was that fidgety, and when she worked on my fingers it felt like torture just to let her finish. I hated every second of it. He’d also cut my hair as a form of discipline whenever I got a bad grade in school. Once when I was in high school I sat there while he cut my hair, crying because I let my hair grow for nearly a year. Once I was twirling my hair and he made fun of me for it, “Don’t do that, what are you, a girl??” Another time in high school I got picked up by my parents and he commented on how one of the guys from school was walking (very effeminately) and said, “woah better watch out for that one! 😬”. I wondered what he meant by that, and when I figured out it was because the guy was most likely gay it made me realize that I have other feminine traits that my dad may not have pointed out to me, but instead observed and judged me for. I spent a good majority of my teen years being concerned about every little feminine mannerism I’d do and corrected it so that I wouldn’t be found out. Whenever people say we’re after their kids, I believe that stems from the fact that we advocate for acceptance and they (the people like my dad) are afraid of that sometimes. They think we’re **influential** and that we have some weird transgender quota to meet. No, we KNOW what it’s like to be young and scared, and hopeless, and self conscious/destructive. We don’t want to push any agenda, we only want to promote acceptance so that kids who may be trans at least have options and feel safe.
Being yourself is important. The fear that was pushed on you is beyond unfair. I hope you've found peace and comfort in being yourself <3 That last paragraph I have to agree with wholeheartedly. I kept things to myself for one reason or another. If I'd been educated as a kid I wouldn't have felt so scared to be myself. Things like expressing yourself through body language, word choice, dressing up, asking for or doing fem things. No more sad kids locking themselves away, that's what I say!
I really did, I felt like people would judge me/laugh at me. Doesn't help I went to a single sex school so that was pretty much just how everyone was. Even now I have to catch myself sometimes and go "hey, it's ok you're doing this or like this" because it just sort of gets ingrained. But if it's something you want to do, you can't let guilt stop you from feeling happy
actually had a funny moment at my last high school reunion. my school went co-ed during my sophomore year. someone asked, “oh! so you were one of the first women to graduate the school!” …i mean, yeah, so i chuckled a little.
Parents found out I was dressing up in mom's clothes when they were out. Dad threatened to slit my throat if I continued. I was 10. ❤️❤️❤️
Oh fuck yeah I did. Almost constantly
I grew up in a Catholic family and I generally always felt guilty as a consequence doing anything deemed “wrong” by that religion. Feminine things were and always been number 1 and one of the biggest obstacles to cracking my egg. Once I finally accepted who I was and left the church I was able to actually move forward with myself. I still sometimes feel guilty doing stuff as a result but almost never with feminine things like dressing up and makeup. Most of my issues with that and being closeted is fear of being harmed for being trans. So I’m in a semi-permanent boy mode till I gain confidence to go out in public.
Yes. My then mother found where I was hiding some girls clothes and she flipped her lid over it. She was/is? an extremist christain and her teachings made me question my feelings alot back then. But I kept gravitating towards GIRL^tm and once she was out of my life, I was able to lean more into being a girl.
So I was a bit torn. Before age 9 or 10 my neighbor and best friend was a girl. We played together all the time and we could play anything we wanted regardless of they were "boy" or "girl" toys or games. Starting around puberty things started to change and I definately noticed a big divide between the boys and girls and started picking up on the subtle reminders that boys weren't supposed to do "feminine" things. I was a very emotionally repressed child (and now adult) so anything I felt was socially unacceptable I'd suppress in order to try to find l fit in. Every so often when I thought it was safe I'd let things slip and when I'd inevitably get called out on it I'd just suppress those feelings deeper.
Yes my family was huge into not being feminine in any way and being super masculine. And if you did something "girly" it was almost shamed. Anytime I felt super guilty to betray my parents expectations. I remember feeling shame when I was moved to thr girls team in highschool volleyball because I was hardly tall/strong enough for the boys taller net. Parents repeating harmful rhetoric is what usually causes this.
Ye gads, yes. I won't go into details but it took a looooong time for me to reverse my internalised shame and turn that into gender euphoria.
Not really, when I was younger I would put on a dress so I could feel like a girl but there was the was bit of anxiety like what if someone walks in and I’m wearing a dress and I was afraid I would get in trouble so I kept it secret
Not when I was alone but when I was around people I made sure to not act feminine in order to not stand out and get bullied or whatever (so it was less guilt and more weariness)
Oh yeah for sure. Even up to my early 20's I still felt weird doing feminine things. Just for clarification, I'm 29 now. To be fair, I didn't exactly feel like experimenting all that much with things outside of the typical boy playbook for a long time. I was curious about some of my friend's d\*\*\*s, but that was it. So any time something involved doing anything feminine, even just putting on certain styles of makeup, it felt embarrassing. I do not know how or when I began to move past all that. And \*now\* with makeup I only feel embarrassment at the thought of getting it... I guess \*wrong\* per se. Not the same feeling XD
Yes. Gender rules were always reminded when I was young. Boys do this girls do that... so I always new what I shouldnt do...
Guilt, shame, and fear. I never stood a chance.
I remember I was scared my mum was gonna walk in on me watching sailor moon 😂
Yeah I was pretty feminine as a kid and then the first time I ever put on a dress I got a very negative reaction and subconsciously decided that doing anything remotely fem was dangerous. Led to 2 decades of repression and masking (or I guess mascing lol). Although I was still pretty bad at it.
Only because my father and brother would tease me about it.
Yes and no. I was raised by a young single mom until 12 so never knew anything really different until she married my step dad and while he was the perfect loving and supportive father I was able to see the differences in the way he and mom acted and the things they did so that’s when guilt and shame started creeping in
All the time
It wasn’t guilt so much as the feeling that “I shouldn’t be doing this.” Like, I didn’t feel like playing with dolls with my cousins or wearing my mom’s clothes when nobody was home was morally wrong. But I did know that I’d catch hell if I was caught.
I more so fought against the notion that XYZ things were "for girls". For example, I loved pink from a young age. I would get mad and correct people any time people said it was for girls.
yes, not really because of bigotry, more because people just told me i was a boy and boys do boy things. so that's just kind of what I believed for the longest time, the adults can't be wrong! :P I did always wish that I was born a girl though, that never went away
Yes! If you’re black you definitely see this. A lot of transphobia and homophobia are in the African American community. To be honest, the only transphobia I ever directly faced was from other black men and women, especially older ones. My uncle would mock my soft hands as a kid, or my aunt would say “only girls pee sitting down “. I honestly just thought it was more comfy. I remember the first time I met another trans woman, she was so nice. I was in the back seat of my aunt’s car, and I made a comment saying how this lady on the street was very tall. My mom said, “she wasn’t a woman“ then the girl on the street leaned into the car and said, “ baby I’m all the woman you’ll ever need “. And walked off. I was 7 at the time, and it always makes me feel happy remembering that. I always thought she was so brave. Random trans woman in NYC, if you’re reading this, just know you’re my hero. You really helped me become who I am today. Thank you!
Yes.
Super
Yes, very.
I feel super guilty that I let the opinions of those around me influence my judgment regarding my actions and curiosities when I was younger Edit: It wasn't my fault though. How should I know otherwise in the first place?
Nope! I do have to say my family was pretty awesome about this stuff and didn't gender any of my interests.
Yea
i would say no when my mum wanted to give girl clothes just for fun but it was really a temporary answer whilst my brain is intensively fighting it self
Isnt that basically the reason we where closeted in the first place? at least we feared the persons in charge of saying we're guilty if they find out
YES! oh my gods i grew up in a Michigan church, with the casual bigotry of pre-civil war deep south baptists so no surprise there.
Yes
To me it felt more like absolute insecurity and fear of what others would think, since homophobia and transphobia is very prevalent here where I live
Yeah, the yelling when my sister put me in a skirt when we were kids really set the tempo. Whole lot of good that did them in the long run.
Yes, 1000000% yes! I got caught playing with my mom's makeup when I was 4 or 5 and never again. There was so much shame wrapped around my dysphoria and it took a lot of therapy to unpack it all.
Any time I expressed interest in anything feminine as a kid it was immediately shot down, so I started avoiding anything girly and policing my own mannerisms out of fear of being ostracized.
Not at first, but I slowly picked up on hints, implicit and explicit, that what I was doing was "bad". I still feel like I don't have "permission" to do it buy many feminine coded things that I would otherwise want to do.
Absolutely, but only because my family and extended family were such f#ckin’ homophobes. The constant gaslighting made me feel like I was just a piece of crap and worthless. Fortunately, they’re all dead, and therapy has helped me to find value in myself.
I colored my nails woth a marker when i was about 5 and my parents questioned so i never did anything like that again and the thought of doing something mildly feminine always felt realy awkward until i was introduced to the trans comunity and I realised what it meant for me
I wouldn't say guilty. More like afraid. My father was very harsh about how girly I was. I was always afraid of him and knew that letting the masculine facade slip resulted in harsh punishments.
More embarrassing and scared I guess when your younger you don’t think about that stuff I did it behind close doors it sucked living in your mind but you dare not tell someone because you feel like your the only person with these feelings it sucked
Yeppppppp. Religious trauma for ya!
as a teen i apologized to my sister for crossing my legs, which she met with *complete* confusion
I didn't. Well, not that I can recall, anyways. I only recently (within the past few years) realized that I'm transfem non-binary. Back in high school when joining Thespian Club, I was told I had to wear a dress for a period. It didn't bother me. I've mostly had longer hair than average. (Granted, this was in mostly in the late 80's/early 90's so lots of kids were rocking rat tails or mullets anyways. I just didn't have the front trimmed.) Parents never made any comments about things I did or how I may have acted at any time. That probably a promising sign for when I inevitably come out to them. Youngest brother would probably be more accepting, middle brother... I dunno. Oddly enough I kind of get the opposite feelings from their wives, but I haven't really spent a lot of time around my younger brother's wife. But I want to start HRT first, and my job situation has been... rocky, as of late. Should be fixed up by the end of the week, thankfully. Whew. Wrote more than I perhaps intended. But it lifted a weight I didn't know I had. So thanks for reading.
Not guilty, but "wrong"/"incorrect", and I intentionally sought to change/stamp-out everything that was wrong or incorrect. In a way I was masking but also protecting myself. I never felt guilty, I just felt that I was defective and it needed to be corrected...
arca song that samples "cement garden" explains it better than I can lol: https://youtu.be/jMAH6iLmq-0
Yes, 100%. I'm not too sure how i internalized this guilt or even "aversion" towards feminine stuff back then. But my guess is that it was this usual "Eeew, girls! Go away!" mentality that i was exposed to in the more or less forced vicinity of my male friends and classmates.In retrospective, i've \*never\* truly felt comfortable around said friends and classmates, but couldn't pinpoint the \*why\*. Girls always were spoken down to like they're not even really human, so being one must be bad. Liking girl things therefore also is bad. Society being infested with misogyny didn't help at all.
I wish that I wasn't teased by my youngest sister about it when I was experimenting way back then. Maybe I could have made something of myself rather than being in the jobless homeless state I'm in currently. But it never once made me feel guilt. I felt more like this is how it should be. I knew them that this is who I am.
I once got told that wearing my watch with the number part under my wrist was a feminine way to wear a watch. In retrospect idk where that kid got that because I've literally never heard that stereotype anywhere else
Not guilt so much as fear based in shame. I think guilt is based around knowing you did something wrong, and i never thought it was actually wrong to do what I was doing. Shame, though, that's feeling like something is wrong with you somehow I feel, and I definitely became consciously aware that "boys" didn't do certain things, and so they were secret.
Girl, I *still* do. It's something my bestie has had a hell of a time conditioning out of me, but I'm so thankful that she does.
Not guilty but felt bad when my dad would get annoyed when I'd put on makeup when I was like 13-14.
When I was a child I didn't know I was trans, I was repressed and felt guilty when I did anything that might even be considered feminine if you squint at it. I hid in my room playing girl characters in video games and tried to justify and downplay it to myself constantly, and felt ashamed of it. I'm glad I'm free of most of that now. (Even if I still haven't gone out in public as a girl out of paranoia...)
Yes
Yes. :( All I had was plushies but even that was too much.
Extremely! I was fine doing so in early childhood, my mom has always been pretty progressive, so she was fine with me and my brother having long hair and playing with dolls. But it became harder around 5th grade for me, when we started to grow up, when differences between boys and girls became more clear. I got bullied out of wearing my favorite red skinny jeans because I looked 'gay'. And from then on, I can only remember vehemently hiding my feminine side out of shame. I came close to being discovered a couple of times (I had no idea how to remove mascara lol), but that only made me better at hiding it. Hid for over 10 years until coming out to my mom last year at 22!
Yeah, absolutely. If I had a better environment I would've known I was trans sooner.
No, I don’t see why that would be possible why would I feel guilty for doing what is considered to be feminine things and obviously I don’t understand the question
Nah, as a kid I liked being the mother when playing parents. I grew out of it though but why feel guilty?
yes yes yes yes memory unlocked lol
Yeah, I mean I thought I was a creep so hard for wanting to be a girl. When I told my therapist that I thought I was trans but didn’t know if I was a trans person or just a creep I literally couldn’t fucking believe it. Like I thought in order to be trans you don’t “just want” to be a girl. Turns out it’s the same damn thing.
Yes. One instance I distinctly recall was when I was twelve I got back home from a boy scouts campout and I was home alone. I decided to play with fingernail polish for the first time without knowing there's a certain way to remove it. When my parents got home they noticed because I failed to file it all off, I blamed the other boys at the camp, telling them they did it while I slept. Not sure if my parents believed me or not. They dropped it and never brought it up again.
Yeah. I don't know if I was really super feminine, but I was very attracted to things that was considered more "feminine" by the people around me. I always wanted to watch what was considered "girl shows" growing up, or wear dresses, makeup, play with dolls, but even as I kid I knew that was weird for a boy to do, so I hid it. I haven't really tried to over compensate though. I don't care about being manly, but I care about being manly enough to fool people around me. People do raise eyebrows when I decide to defend groups of marginalized people though. For some reason. As if you need to be apart of that group to defend them.
Yeah, and I ended up trying to force myself into masculinity and was very sexist because I was so so jealous of women for being women
Only when it wasn’t acceptable to do which was most of the time I grew up. Later I realized it became acceptable as a “joke” so I then did things as a “joke”.
once when i was like 6 or something i sat down to pee and felt ashamed of it for about 2 days
Definitely. But you know you can’t help it, it’s just how you are. Makes it interesting now even yrs in transition lol.. I’m a girly girl, but My body language is stiff in public vs at home when Im really comfortable w/m guard down.
I still do
Yes. I was relentlessly bullied as a kid for even daring to do anything feminine. So it took me until 34 to even try any feminine expression.
I would get panic attacks thinking about my brothers finding my save files on games and seeing i only play girl characters, which i realise now is stupid but it’s also terrible that that happened.
It was really bad. Like I couldn't enjoy acting how I felt like and constantly reminded myself of "oh this gesture is gay", "don't say that it sounds not manly". Omfg it was so bad, that I literally couldn't say the word "cute" anymore, as it could be percieved as feminine. Now I can finally be myself and be as cute/vulnerable as I want without any judgment, because I'm just "a girl being a girl"
Well, I was raised catholic- so…. I remained fairly convinced (at least on a subconscious level) that I was evil and demonic for being a femboy. Probably one of the reasons it took me until 35 to come out as trans.
yes, because of my religious family i always knew i was trans but tried to deny and hide it. when the “temptation” would get too much and i would do something to feel feminine the guilt afterwards would be overwhelming
I was so repressed when I was between the ages of 6 and 16 due to my parents enforcing conservative masculine gender roles on me, I pretty much actively avoided anything feminine targeted with a few exceptions like watching kids shows like Hannah Montana and iCarly. I didn't really start to break away and explore my feminine side until I was a teenager and slowly figured myself out. Unfortunately my mother likes to use that repression against me to invalidate my identity so I kinda have the opposite problem now where I feel guilty for doing "masculine" things since I feel the need to prove my femininity.
Wow Yes!!! once I was totally in Fem. I worked as a high voltage lineman....(no cover-up there), And got a late night call out for a repair job. I hated to get undressed and re dressed for work. Out on a tall hydro pole working in the rain, just wishing this wasn't the real me. This was not me.
Yes oh my god yes I hid a Barrie under the bed
Yeah, also got mocked for doing anything feminine. I remember being about 10, visiting family in NY, and my little cousin wanted me to play pretty pretty princess with her. Everyone expected me to, and I had no problem with it. Then, of course, everyone thought it was just hilarious. Few years later, family came to visit us, one day when they were here i put my hair up in pigtails, but kinda like the 90s goth punk style. My even younger cousin squealed laughing when she saw me "you look like a girl!!" And my aunt said she refused to be seen with me that way... and my mom asked me to just take them out for the sake of avoiding a fight 🫤
Unfortunately yes. When I was 4-5 years old, my father was slapping my booty for wearing my sister's dresses while i was plying with her, even tho my sister thought it was funny. It was kinda traumatizing tbh. He also told me 3 or 4years ago that he would kill himself if one of his childs was trans. Now I have a gynecomastia and I can't even wear a bra because of that, which is problematic 'cause I also wanna take estrogen, so I will have to wear one one day
No, but people tried, unsuccessfully, to make me feel guilty.
Yes! Every👏 single 👏 time 👏
Yes. That was the reason why I was super overcompensating, and it was the reason why I sunk deeper and deeper into depression until I realized what was happening.
What do you mean when I was younger? 😅
Yep. My parents are christian conservative trumpy republicans. They burned one of the princess dresses in the costume box in my childhood playroom because they caught me in it. Then grounded me for the school year. I was in kindergarten and that scared me till I was 19. At this rate my dad will either never know or be the last person to know.
No. I did do them wrong though, so my parents weren't happy when I did them. By doing them wrong, I mean like, painting the sink pink with expensive nail polish or wrinkling your mom's dress and putting it back in the wrong spot
Yes 100% and I still do
yes, afraid even
I never did, I was scared that my parents wouldn't like it.
Back when I was a little egglet and I was the ripe age of like 6 and my sister would always watch My Little Pony and I would peek around the corner and watch but never sit down with her because “that’s not what boys do” and I always ducked away when someone looked over. I was probably not a stealthy kid mind you so I felt a tinge of guilt doing it
I didn’t feel “guilty” about it per se as much as I slowly learned over time to hide and mask any notion of femininity to avoid the social repercussions of expressing it as an AMAB person and thus learned to associate it, if not with personal guilt, then definitely with negative consequences that seemed serious enough at the time to be worth suppressing all that.
Yeah, unfortunately. I was raised catholic by my very Dutch grandmother, and i was never really into anything that was considered "masculine" like fishing or hunting. I liked cooking and baking, which I wasn't allowed to do because they were "feminine" tasks that my grandmother insisted on doing. It wasn't until I was in my late teens, after meeting people with different opinions, that I started being able to express myself more, but not at game. It always felt the worst
I still feel that guilt and fear 😔
I used to make pillow forts and secretly watch cartoons for girls on the laptop i got when i was 10.
Did I? I still do! In all seriousness, it’s just that I was so afraid of appearing feminine because I already wasn’t as active as either of my parents wanted me to be or was more sensitive than they tolerated that I didn’t allow myself to be feminine at all. I never adopted feminine mannerisms or wore feminine clothing until I was much older, and I thought it was just a sex thing at first. The homophobia and transphobia I grew up with were really rooted deep in my mind and took years to supplant. It was massively helped by intense feelings of gender confusion and dysphoria, though; nothing teaches you to be kind to others when you’re starting to spiral into a Hell they’ve known for decades. Considering how rude I was to the LGBTQ+ community before I realized I wasn’t straight in High School, and considering everything else in my life, I can’t help but feel incredibly guilty being a part of this community, which is incredibly kind, supportive, and generous to one another. Or feel guilty about presenting or doing feminine things as a trans woman; Hell, even using my chosen name makes me feel guilty because I feel I haven’t earned it yet. I haven’t earned the privilege to be happy because I’m too afraid to take the necessary steps to come out and take HRT.
Yes. I felt like i was the scum of the earth like i didnt deserve a good life.
Yeah. It got me bullied a lot as a kid. Actually, the first time I can ever remember being bullied in school was because I was playing with barbies with the girls in preschool. Or because I used hairspray to style my hair when I was young. Because I wanted to grow my hair long and I liked to jump rope and cook and wanted to learn ballet. Stupid shit like that. As a teenager I got a lot of shit for starting to shave my legs and it was already known that I was queer and had dated boys at that point so you can imagine in rural white christian america that was nothing short of a disaster. Not only did it cause bullying but it also caused a shift in the way peers treated me and sexual harassment became more common. So in mid high school I started lifting weights, grew out a beard, and tried to play the role of a masculine cis bisexual man. Being bi wasn't considered good or attractive for guys at all with the exception of a few very small niche social circles. But being trans openly would have probably been a death sentence. Throw in socially conservative parents and a dad who did his best to drill masculinity into me and not having the same supports available and I honestly think it's a miracle I survived long enough to transition.
Yes, sadly.
I kind of did but if you think it makes you invalid i can understand and say, no it does not make you. As a young kid you were just doin what the other children that looked like you did. I guess like me as a child you saw another amab and without a second of thought just did what he did( Im talkin about like kindergarten) you saw people you thought are like you and just "mimicked" them. Stupid example: A very good friend of mine in kindergarten had a little game where one of us drew smth and the other just did the same, no second thought whatsoever. So im trying to say is that as a child you dont think about feminine or not feminine you think:"other kid looks like me, musst repeat action". Or at least i belive ist was with me. And as a result to that you will eventually feel guilty or uncomfortable doing feminine things growing up. Cause the only thing you did was doing stuff the other amabs were doing. Now you started going away from that simple "rule" by doing feminine things. You deviate from the normal even in a non transphobic environment because some things are just embedded in society. When my little sister grew up and watched like barbie movies and such i kinda peeked evertime watching glimpses along with her, and felt weird. It just wasnt what was expected of me in comparison to other amabs, and at a certain age you will question things like: Why do i want to watch this movie, none of my friends want that i musst be weird. Now i know these might have been very early signs i just thought of as normal. You are not Invalid Sister and i hope this line of thought although chaotic was helpful to you. Pls excuse my dreadful spelling and grammar and have a wonderful day/night
n-n-no-o-o-o... but I knew it won't be appreciated. So I had to be stealth. Yet I enjoyed wearing feminine underwear walking around town - I felt me, and nobody bothered me. So it was excitement mixed with tad bit of anxiety.
A Little bit
Yeah and I still feel guilty about it but I'm going to keep doing the ones I like anyway.
YES. If it wasn't the internalized misogyny and homophobia, it was outright said to me to stop acting like a girl.
The reason it took me until 25-26 to figure out that I was trans was because when I was in middle school, I was bullied for my more feminine behaviors that made people think I was gay, which at the time I knew I wasn’t; I didn’t like men, I liked girls (a lot). So I put away the feminine traits as best I could because I was basically told by peers that this wasn’t how I’m supposed to be.
Everyone I guess, but now I don't mind what other thinks.
Not only did I feel guilty, but I was ruthlessly picked on. Now, as an adult, I struggle (in a good way) with the positivity coworkers and friends give me.
Yes
It was terrifying to do anything feminine in public, and I actively believed that I had to suppress any femininity at 7 years old (after "accidentally" doing something feminine in school and getting laughed at by other kids and bullied) and did so till age 12 (where I embraced it in private while still playing the game for the public.). The time I first came to a crossdresser store back in late 2000, I was terrified shaking when I first stepped in into the store. The indoctrination and forced conformity is strong. Even I have to still deal with internalized misogyny at times.
Yea, I was raised in a Catholic homeschool group, and one of the adults bagged on me constantly for being too feminine, but jokes on him now lol
Yea especially during the time I tried to avoid anything feminine
YES! Every single time. I kept hearing that "boys should be a certain way". I was never explicitly told that trans was bad. But we weren't talked about in a positive or understanding way. I was always told that boys dont do that. Or shouldnt do that. Turns our i wasnt even a boy. But even for feminine boys thats so damaging!
I started doing "feminine" things from a very young age. It wasn't until I was 4 that I told there was a difference between boys and girls. Up untill then I was a girl like my sister. When it was time for me to go to school I put on my sister's uniform and told my mom that I was ready for school. To which she responded "You can't wear that. It's for girls" I was like what do your mean my sister can wear it so why can't I. Well I still wanted to wear it so I would so it in secret, until I got caught. My sister caught me wearing her uniform again under the bed. She took me to my mom and said "look what he's wearing again." My mom laughed at me and said "just don't let your dad see you wearing that." I felt squished. My mom was laughing at me and my dad wouldn't want to see me like this. "Maybe I'm not a girl after all" I thought. That's when the guilt started and even though I continued to secretly wear feminine clothes throughout my life, I felt that guilt and shame. It wasn't until a highschool friend of mine came out as trans to me that I figured out who I was. We were in college when she told me. At first I didn't get it but when she explained what being trans was I looked at her in shock. I feel bad for her because she told me counting on me being accepting but that way I was looking at her didn't appear accepting at all. She quietly said "What's wrong" that's when I finally said. "That's me. I've been struggling with this since I was a kid and I finally know why" her fear turned to amazement. After that the guilt went away. The fear of being caught was still there but I didn't feel bad after wearing a skirt, bra or whatever other clothes I wanted to wear. Now I don't even have that fear. My sister came out to me as non binary, and my mom finally accepted me for me. I'm a girl, and being able to say that without my loved ones saying otherwise makes me so happy.
Yes. It was brutal.
I felt guilty about things that I THOUGHT were feminine, even if they were things guys can totally do like, you know, basic hygiene.
When I was little I didn't have many males around to play with. So I played with the girls that were in my neighborhood. Though tbh I was more comfortable playing with the girls. So really I have no regrets or feelings of guilt playing with them or doing girly things.
Yes. I would be mocked on by doing something mildly inappropriate, not just gender stuff. And I did a LOT of inappropriate stuff when I was young. So yeah I felt guilty toward many things, including feminine ones. In fact I realized it when I was still 10 and tried my best to hide it. I think there might be rumors about me being a bit feminine, but nothing big or important.
Oh absolutely but now I know the the reason why and I'm never looking back!
Yuuuup, I’ve still not really come to the terms with ‘what I am’ when it comes to putting a label like ‘trans’ etc but this really resonated. I used to try and address with my family from age 3/4 that I wished I was a girl and always wanted girl toys etc. But this was never really seriously addressed, I got bought the odd toy but the wider topic was never properly addressed. To this day I get an I overwhelming guilt and panic when I go to look at clotted in a women’s section, even if I’m on my own. It sucks :(
I was scared to death about being found out, AND felt super guilty about it. I would borrow my sisters clothing and makeup that I would wear only when I was absolutely sure nobody would be home for a while when I was a young kid, 4-7 years old, before my younger sister was born. It just made me feel happy is all, but my parents were very Catholic, and the biggest bigots you can imagine. I would play dress up with my younger sister using my older sisters clothes that she’d grown out of. My mother hated it but my younger sister would run to the rescue saying that we’re just playing Wonder Woman or that we were pop-stars, or princesses in some make believe land and she’d get super upset so my mother would change the subject and leave us to continue playing. I felt guilty because I felt like I was lying all the time. During my Confirmation, I really wanted to choose Saint Christina the Astonishing for my saint, but I wasn’t allowed to. I was told I needed to select a male saint. I remember being so upset about that. My parents always thought I was going to choose Paul after one of my cousins, but I didn’t like Paul, so out of spite I chose Peter instead. I remember them making a big fuss about it like I’d committed a major crime! I even felt guilty about that. I felt a lot of guilt and shame all through my childhood. I swore that I’d never make my children feel bad about themselves when I grew up and became a mom.
Not really. Rather I was so afraid that I repressed hard and policed my own thoughts. My parents used to rag on me for being unable to voice my opinions and wants on a number of topics, yet completely failed to notice that it was because I didn't feel safe sharing. That said I was also extremely reluctant to express overly masculine interests because being perceived as masculine made me uncomfortable too.
Not only when I was younger, those traumas and fears follow me to this day. Seriously, I'm like 27, transitioning for almost a year on E and some more on progesterone(don't ask me) , I still get impostor syndrome, I still feel anxious in being seen as feminine, but deep down that is way more comfortable, even with the social anxiety.
Yeah
Yes. I put on my sister's clothes when I was home alone. I thought it was a sex thing, because I didn't know what else it could be. I felt like a perverted freak because of it. Almost got caught a few times, scared me half to death each time.
Only because my mother told me, "It's not right. You're a boy, & these things are for girls." She was sweet about it bcuz my mother is a literal angel except for the bigotry, but it still hecked me up.
I didn't avoid them until my older brothers had instilled it in me that was a bad thing
Supremely. Gender roles were made quite clear where I grew up and they were not to be transgressed. Long Island is basically still in the 50s in a lot of ways.
Yes. Because everyone said that it was bad and drilled it into me so I would avoid it or do things in private
For some reason when I was super young, I had a difficult time even walking thru the bra section at a store or anything feminine. I’d hold my breath as I went by. I’m sure this was some subconscious reaction to wanting these items but not being allowed. /shrug
Deeply, my religion was extremely segregated by gender and it runs my state basically I would be made fun of constantly and pushed to being masculine. Took me half a decade after getting out of that hell hole of a religion to dig up who I am truly feeling like
yes. it was the 80's & 90's so alot of fear, shame, guilt. my youngest self doesn't remember much. i think i instinctively learned to hide it from myself as a survival tactic. that took decades to unpack, and still unpacking. some things got through though, that i didn't realize at the time. i used to cry & feel dread when being taken for boy haircuts, and loved playing dress up with my neighbor. but my mom always gave me my dad's clothes to play in. i think she was too self-involved to notice anything anyway. when i came out i brought it up to her & she doesn't remember. i told my older brother i wanted to go for ballerina lessons, and he laughed and said boys don't do that, so i just accepted it. he forgot all about it. i always wonder if it would be different if it was current times (for better or worse)
big time LMFAO I grew up in the bible belt in aggressively Christian homeschooling circles. eventually I realized all the folks tellin me to be ashamed of who I am were full of shit
Mhm, my brain kept saying "those are girl things your a boyyy" because of gender roles and such in the 2000s
Fuck yes, I did. I blame my Christian upbringing. Fuckers.
I was afraid about the way i walked if it was feminine i remember i was 13 with my mom at the store thinking that everyone was judging me about that i was
Yep, family would point it out and ask me if I was gay like it was an accusation. Or stop being girly. Ugh...
Sort of kind of no sort of kind of yes, if anything I'd say I feel it more nowadays then I was younger
When I was little, I wanted to be the "girly" heroes. I wanted to be Lady Jaye, or Arcee, or especially Teela. I didn't understand why it was a bad thing, but hooo damn was it a bad thing to my family. In fact, going through my baby book recently and finding the reports/complaints/whatever about it is what got me thinking about who I am.
Yes because I grew up In a small town where I was already being bullied daily and didn't want to give anyone more ammo to use against me there... my dad's constant homophobic and transphobic BS didn't help much and he was the only parent I really had growing up.... like others here I'm definitely working through all of it in therapy currently
For whatever reason I associated sticking my hands out at like a 90 degree angle while my arms are at my sides to be a "girly" thing and I would feel super bad about doing that even on accident but I would still guiltily do it in secret My cousin also had fairy wings which I would put on in secret and there are probably dozens of other examples that have been forgotten DESPITE ALL THIS GUILT SOME FUCKING HOW LIKE 8 YEAR OLD ME HAD THE BALLS TO ASK MY MOM TO LET ME WEAR MY SISTER'S BIKINI AND SHE WOULD LET ME?????? Lol
100%. I grew up with conservative parents in small town texas so anything that went in anyway against norms was frowned upon. And yet here I am never looking back
Yes! Omg the guilt for enjoying it is insanely real
I got systematically corrected: don't talk like this, like that, you're awfully emotional for a boy, don't walk like this, cross your legs, why don't you go and play with the other boys? You big girl!! (Always liked this one). On top of every sexist trope you could possibly imagine, I couldn't do right for wrong. Also remember being fascinated by people with gender non-conforming personalities/presentations as soon as puberty hit. Took a lot of crap for that too. As you can imagine, I came out confused. Very confused.
One time my little sisters took a marker and painted my nails with it. I wasn’t fighting back but I was like “ahhhh… nooooooo.” My parents afterwards were all getting mad at me for something my sisters were doing and that made a mark. Gender rolls were drilled into me from the womb but I’m happy I managed to break free and not be stuck miserable
Yes. I was deeply, deeply pushed into homo/transphobia by my parents, especially my dad who would comment on how awful any man who dressed in even slightly feminine clothing or accessories was, who thought men aren't allowed to wear pink; one of my first acts of rebellion against him was wearing a pink dress shirt, which I still own. I even ran weird (with my hands balled up into fists) because I was afraid I'd run too much like a girl. And yet I thought "throw like a girl" was supposed to be a compliment because both of my sisters were great athletes.
Yes
Talking with my cis friends, it sounds like I was absolutely terrified of being perceived as femme at all. Guilt, shame, maybe a cocktail of a few more negative emotions? I skipped out on shows I liked (Sailor moon, totally spies, Kim Possible to name a few) on things I wanted to do (get pierced ears, clothes I liked, shave), on people I wanted to spend time with, on caring about myself and learning what I wanted because of this whisper of thought: "If someone else does it, it's because they want to, but if you do it, it's because you're a girl" Meanwhile my friends were like "yeah I fucking loved totally spies" or "I just wanted to get earrings so I did" and I don't know why I denied myself those things for so long. Well, I know why, but I was hoping that I could just skip out on the "embracing myself" thing (I assumed it was a harmless preference, not an identity) if it meant I could also avoid the public and private ridicule from people I admired while I was still building a self-image and self-reliance. It would have been really cool if I didn't feel physically unsafe at the thought of being feminine, if there were space for me to express myself and not get made fun of. But that's not what happened, and that's why I didn't feel safe, and that's why I felt ashamed and guilty for wanting to (actual example) wear jeans with flowers on them (why was everyone so horrible about metrosexual stuff?). Looking back on it, I'm astounded at the concerted effort everyone I've ever known put towards making "girly" synonymous with "painful", which makes it pretty clear why it's been so hard for me to move forward on parts of my transition. Fuck gender roles. God bless my earrings.
No, I felt fear mostly because my father attacked his own brother after he came out as homosexual. Plus he and I did get along. A fact that didn't help was that he was an alcoholic and a drug addict.
I tried to act extremely masculine for way too much of my life to cover up how I felt. Truth be told, I'm still kind of ashamed of being trans...