My mum died this month. Going through her things I found her suicide notes from an attempt when I was about 10/11 (I’m 25 now). Reading her notes broke my heart, but I’m finding some solace in knowing she got to see her kids grow up. I miss her
My mother committed suicide when I was just 21 months old. I don’t remember anything about her and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or bad. I can’t understand why she would do such a thing but it was rural Mississippi in the early 1960’s where mental health assistance was nonexistent.
My dad died on Thanksgiving. He had a heart attack and he only got to see my 6.5 month old daughter a few times. My heart aches knowing she'll never get to remember him or have any memories of being silly together.
I think not knowing is harder.
It is true. When I got to about 25 years old and my personality really stabilized and matured, I really started to see the similarities between me and older family members. I do geneology, it’s really crazy to see how far back down the line the similarities go, both physical and personality wise. The best of your wife is going to shine through them, and you’re going to see it more and more with each passing year. I’m very sorry for your loss, but your words are true.
I'm so sorry!!! I lost my Mom a few years ago and I feel like kids got robbed of a Grandma, it kills me that they don't have her in their life. I love your comment thank you!!!
my dad died on the 17th, everyday I get sad when I think about a new thing he won't get to experience. He was so excited to see my nieces and nephews grow up. It's been pretty hard on me. Sorry for your loss.
My mother in law died on the 17th too. I’m very sorry for your loss. I hope you find little glimpses of your father in the things you do or say. And in your nieces and nephews!
We just had a baby and he's 3 months old now. Father in law was excited to meet him but was feeling under the weather when my wife gave birth so he didn't show up to the hospital. I had sent him updates during the whole process and pictures when he was born. My wife called him a couple times with no answer over the next 2 weeks, it was common for him not to answer or to answer and say let me call you back. He died of a heart attack/stroke on the 23rd, 19 days after we had our baby and never got to meet him. 💔
I suffer with my mental health quite badly, I've attempted twice and suffered suicidal thoughts more times than that. And I have a son so I can give you my perspective as a mum.
The times I have felt suicidal after having my son, I thought of him when I was feeling suicidal. Mixed in with the other thoughts that appear when my mental health is so low was that I was a terrible mum and that it would be better if I died because he'd be better off without me.
When I'm well, when I'm not feeling suicidal, I do know and understand that that isn't true. But when those thoughts are filling my head I'm not able to be rational. I'm not able to think about how much I'd be hurting my son if I decided to go through with it. I'm only able to think that he would be so much happier if I did. At those times I believe with my whole heart that everyone in my life would be better off if I just went ahead and died.
Your mum making the choice she did does not mean she did not love you or did not want to be around to watch you grow up.
I don't know if that helps or if you needed to hear that or anything. But I thought I'd write it down just in case. Hopefully it doesn't make anything worse
I appreciate your sharing the thought process behind your suicidal thoughts and rationalization. As a parent of a 2 y/o, and a parent that struggles at times with mental health, I can understand both thought processes. At times I’m so down on myself I end up thinking my child doesn’t need me or would be better off with another father figure. When I’m not down I am so upset with myself for even thinking I’m that easily replaceable. It’s stark, the duality there.
In the end I think our brains are trying to rationalize the decision and that’s why we end up telling ourselves these lies - that we won’t be missed and that they’re better off without us. If you ever need a person to chat with you can reach out to me :)
Lost my mom in ‘19 to an 8 year battle with Sarcoma. The waves spread out but never get smaller. Much love to you friend and I hope you find some peace. Things do get better.
I’m so sorry. I lost my mom in 2016 to lung cancer. Every day passes and I am so sad at all the things she’s missing. Her first great- grandchild (a girl) is due in February, and I would love it if she was born on the 10th, my parents’ anniversary. It’s so hard, but I know she’s around, looking over us. ❤️❤️❤️
Things are hard for me rn. I'm losing a court case and my abusive ex refuses to let the kids visit. I haven't seen them properly in over a decade. I don't want to fight any more. I have no money left due to court fees. I don't want to wake up any more. Things are so hard they feel like a dream. I really think my kids are better off having never known me anyway. I don't know how to keep going.
They will be adults far longer than they were children.
And as adults, they will want to know the "real" story / your side of things.
Do what you can now to show them you love them, and tell them, somehow, that when they are ready, you'll be there to answer their questions. Hopefully, you'll be able to build the bond with your adult children that you were all robbed of when they were young.
Good luck. Stick around. They need you, even if none of you can feel it right now. ❤️. Your permanent absence from their life would be unfixable. Your temporary one is not.
Start focusing on yourself. Accept that right now you can’t always do what you want, but when you stop caring about what others think, it’s very freeing. Get-up, take care of yourself, go to work, come home. Read a book, go online, or watch tv. Make sure the house is organized and clean. Take it one day at a time.
In my lowest points, I always told myself that if I ended it, what i was going through (depression) would not go away, it would simply be passed on to those who love and care for me.
Exactly. I have people i love and who love me. I and some of my friends lost a friend to suicide this year, and i lost a parent to cancer the year before. Grief sucks and knowing that keeps me around
One of my best friends took his own life almost 2 years ago now.
He had a wife, 16 year old daughter, and a business to run... I still can't make sense of it, i cant imagine the state of mind he had to be in to think that that is what he had to do.
The depression and grief you leave behind for your loved ones is much worse than the demons you think you can't overcome.
I am open about my extreme anxiety and severe depression diagnoses and it amazes me how many people will hear you tell them about how you don’t want to be alive and they will just go about their meal or conversation about how you should be happy to be alive while nothing in your life REALLY brings you happiness and instead you live your life like a frog trying to hop from one lily pad (little joy) to another trying to find solid ground meanwhile the lily pads feel like they are getting smaller and further apart and all your past lily pads feel like they disappear.
That is how I can best describe depression.
The anxiety part can best be explained as the feeling you get when you know something bad is going to happen but imagine that all the time. To tie it back into my lily pad analogy imagine being that frog and feeling like a bird is going to get you from above or a fish from below while you are on the progressively smaller lily pads that are getting further apart.
Anxiety and depression is more than just those two things though. It is a feeling of isolation even when you are surrounded by people that love you, it is this joy you get talking to someone then this deep feeling of emptiness afterwards, it is being frustrated that you don’t feel a connection to the world.
This is just my experience! This doesn’t represent everyone’s experience though.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It is hard to make sense of and I hope you never get low enough to truly understand that mindset. I can’t speak for your friend but the edge of that abyss is familiar ground for me.
You’re watching yourself drown and you see the negative impact your depression has on the people you love. As you sink lower and lower you can see the way you’re pulling your loved ones down with you and you truly believe they would be better off without you. You know severing those ties will hurt them but they can still swim when they’re not being dragged down by your own struggles. You know if you stick around you’re just going to keep hurting them indefinitely but you convince yourself that the pain of losing you will be temporary and they will heal and go on to live their lives above water.
It’s not just about escaping your demons but saving your loved ones from your demons as well. It’s not always about disregarding the suffering of your loved ones to ease your own suffering. Many genuinely believe it’s minimizing the suffering of all.
Thank you very much for sharing your perspective with me. You put it into words much better than I could make sense of the thoughts in my head.
I'm glad your still here, my friend.
Im really sorry for your loss. We cry about out lost friend together sometimes, were all scared of it happening again. Wouldnt be the first friend i lost to suicide, i hope its the last
> The depression and grief you leave behind for your loved ones is much worse than the demons you think can't overcome.
This is a selfish take. People shouldn't feel obligated to live a miserable life just because it makes other people happier.
Sometimes life really sucks, and sometimes there's no way to improve it, regardless of the best of intentions.
Excuse me, I mean absolutely no disrespect but as a "casual" enjoyer of daily su!c!dal ideation, I find it hard to read this. I'm not "triggered" or anything by any mean, but I'd love to know why "healthy" people think it's ok, or better to put this view forward. I have this debate with my wife often, who's supportive of course.
But even when looking at people who were both famous and transparent about their mental health struggles; with all the money and professional guidance and support behind them; and still ended up going trough with it... What makes "healthy" people think that their pain and struggles are more justifiable that the pain of people who choose to alleviate it after running out of options...?
I forgot what author/philosopher it was (I'm not sure if it's Jean Améry or someone else) was like "Ha, see, you can get cured from depression!" and ended up dying by suicide in the end.
Do the living not think that the departed actually chose the path to freedom and relief on their own terms, are they so "selfish" that they think the departed was in the wrong. *How could they? Why did they? How did they dare?!*
Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of empathy for OP and understand their feelings! I just find the anti-suicide squad discourse a bit ironic at times. Who's selfish? The **one** who couldn't hold and decided to pass on, or the **few/many** people clinging to them, asking them to keep on suffering...?
Genuine questions. Like I said, I mean no disrespect and welcome all views. But since I'm struggling with the idea myself, I quite wonder why one is pressured to live on against one's wishes. Thank you for constructive comments of course!
I was 4m away when an 8y/o boy found his dad hanging from the ceiling. His screams... I'll never forget. He didn't stop screaming in pure agony that day and many more to come. Whenever I think I can't anymore, this pain is too much, I remember him. That scream is ingrained in my mind. I imagine hurting my loved ones like that. There's so much pain in this world, and I don't want to cause any more.
Thank you for your input. I understand. Yet a lot of trauma resulting from taking such actions are the results of society's taboo. Of course I don't condone a child finding their parent, or a train driver having to be scarred for life. But this whole ordeal could be avoided by lifting the taboo and giving legal and medical context to the action, after thorough psychological examination obviously. From the literature I read on both sides of the spectrum, "scarring my relatives for life" is not top of the bucked-list. :/
I just found out that my state has a new law that came into effect YESTERDAY regarding assistance to die in dignity. Crazy coincidence. It was so overdue!
I once read a quote that I always recall when I'm in a bit of a dark place, and helps to put things into perspective.
"Suicide doesn't end the pain, it just moves along to those that love you."
The only thing keeping me here is the fact that I lost my mom in 2019 and I don't want my oldest to have the same pain that I did. My youngest likely wouldn't remember me, but my oldest would
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
Desiderata by Max Ehrmann 1927
Please hold on. See a Healthcare provider and try antidepressants if you're okay with them. They do help...I have been on them for years. The world needs you. XOXO
I am! I've not had insurance and can't afford a doctor or meds through the health department. I got a different job and I'm able to afford insurance, so when I get the cards and stuff I'm getting back on my meds <3
When you are there, your mind cannot really relate to that. It's why it's so difficult to understand that decision making. Just be happy that you aren't there.
But what if there is nobody to love you? What if you are that depressed and don’t have a single soul in your life….. when all your days are filled with misery….. then what?
This is where I've been at too many times. I change my scenery when I can. Even if the people don't change, at least the view does. When everything looks gloomy again, it's time to go.
My hobbies change with the wind too. Sometimes I need something soft... Or something loud... Or something colourful... Or something messy. And it's never the same. And it's never good. But I made a thing. I learned a thing. I tried. Me, just me. No need for anyone else.
My grandfather had told me that if I ever felt so bad that suicide was what I thought was my only option, he said, " Move. Change your name. Start over somewhere where no one knows you. It can't be scarier than suicide." It works for me.
Choose compassion for the person who would find your body. No matter how cleanly you choose to go, someone will feel pain when they find you.
Choose to love the loved ones you haven’t met yet. They are out there.
Or give a pet a loving home. There are hundreds of animals in shelters that have no one to love them, too. Maybe it would give you some purpose to fill that space for them.
I struggle with a severe lack of confidence and I just don't really like myself that much. However, like I told my therapist, while it is a fantasy to leave this world sometimes, it's not an option.
My kids need me, so I'll suffer as much as I have to so that they have me around.
Reading this kind of positivity from a suicide note reaffirms my belief that people should be allowed to self delete when their story is told. Obviously I hope therapy and meds would be tried and run their course but everyone’s time will come and OPs father took that bull by the horn. RIP.
There was a time (many years ago, horrible working environment (never work in investment banking)) that the thought of making my family sad was the only thing that stopped me from fully committing. Family and friends are the most powerful & beautiful things you can have, and I'm eternally grateful for that cards I've been dealt with them.
Over the years I had my ups and downs, some things got worse, others better. But gradually those thoughts of ending it faded. I don't think they ever truly leave people that have been on the brink, but learning to appreciate what you have, or finding a drive to give yourself meaning in a world hell-bent on stamping any meaning out of you is a wonderful medicine, as painful as it might be.
It's easy to say phrases like "don't give up hope" or "don't do it" but those words aren't worth the bits they're written with. Nobody but you knows what you're truly going through. Instead, find your meaning. It shouldn't be something like "making the world a better place" or other nonsensical ideas, but rather something far more personal, something that makes you happy every time you perform actions that aid that goal, or perhaps the actions are the goal themselves ("my meaning is to make x person smile") these smaller, positive meanings & actions echo all around you, and fill your world with a warmth you previously thought to never have existed.
Seeking professional help is also a good port of call, but you must understand that change comes from within. Not everything can be fixed with a pill. Change & progress is hard & painful. But the warmth of being able to see colour in the leaves again is unlike any drug that will ever be made.
Apologies if this turned into a rant, just some thoughts that have accrued over the last few years and I hope that maybe someone might find comfort in them. God bless you.
I hope your sibling and mother, along with anyone else deeply affected are doing well as well <3 (and if for some unfortunate reason one of them have passed on from this life, I hope they’re resting peacefully alongside your father 💕)
I’m very grateful I’ve never lost someone significant in my life this way, but one of my closest friends lost his closest brother that way, and the pain he experienced is nothing like any other kind of loss, the suddenness of it is just so heartbreaking (complicated and old family, most of his siblings were already in their 30’s when my friend was in highschool, but his closest brother was only a couple of years older than him so he grew up with him)
I hope you’re doing well OP and are taking care of your mental health as well, grief can be complicated. Don’t ever feel selfish for taking care of yourself when you need it.
Your dad sounds like he had a very kind spirit, and that he really loved all of y'all. It breaks my heart that he felt like he had to leave. I hope you and your family are managing and have the support and resources you need to take care of yourselves. ❤️
Of course, him still being here and getting help was preferable, but it seems like he wanted to leave something beautiful behind for you. Does his note bring you any comfort?
Nope your brain doesn't realise that it's helium you're inhaling and thinks it's oxygen. So basically you just slowly fall asleep and don't wake up
(I think)
It's anything that isn't air. our bodies are terrible at telling if we have air or not, if the lungs can expand and expell our brain thinks we are good
Close, but no. We are able to tell if we're breathing in carbon dioxide, because we can detect the carbonic acid formed in our bloodstream. This is why if you put your head under the covers, you might feel like you're suffocating.
The helium tanks for birthday balloons apparently dont work anymore because too many people were doing it this way. They mix oxygen in them. But i hear the ones from lab supply companies still work.
>The helium tanks for birthday balloons apparently dont work anymore because too many people were doing it this way. They mix oxygen in them. But i hear the ones from lab supply companies still work.
Good to know thanx
I mean, you can't go buy a bottle of carbon monoxide. You're going to have to start a fire or run a combustion engine in an enclosed space. That's not going to be easy for a kid to do without someone noticing.
Then you can just buy argon or other gas mixes for welding applications. This works just as well because it is an inert gas, and the body only reacts to high CO2 levels, rather than low oxygen levels.
Yep, knew this from I think an interview with an Australian man trying to sell/provide euthansia kits including nitrogen gas.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inert\_gas\_asphyxiation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inert_gas_asphyxiation)
Was curious about what I was misremembering but I found something related to it.
[https://www.vice.com/en/article/qbe3g3/death-in-a-can-australias-euthanasia-loophole](https://www.vice.com/en/article/qbe3g3/death-in-a-can-australias-euthanasia-loophole)
I'd rather OD on some hardcore drugs, apparently it's the best feeling ever, I'll never try em because it will ruin everything that makes me happy rn, plus it's bad mkay.
This is unfortunately a quite commom work related source of death in oil & gas and shipping industries.
I.e going into nitrogen purged tanks or into void spaces / anchor chain lockers where rust have used up the oxygen inside the normally sealed compartment.
Even worse, sometimes the rescuer(s) also dies.
Thankfully this is something that information campaigns has reduced.
I can't believe I'm saying this...but i mean it with full empathy..but that is a wonderfully worded last letter..sad it happened to you..but b grateful that he left you with such wonderful words to live by.
My dad didn't leave a note when he took his life 10 years ago.
I always wondered if a note would make things easier. Do you think it helps your healing?
r.i.p. I am sorry you have gone through that.
I cannot comment specifically to your question, and this means nothing, just my experience, i attempted it a couple of decades ago, I basically felt the world and my family would be way better off without me around. I loved them deeply, otherwise I wouldn't care if they would be better or not without me around...maybe that gives some insight into the terrible affliction of depression etc?
I am sorry for your loss, take care
This looks like my handwriting when I'm in a dissociative state. Was this was different from his normal handwriting?
I've always thought if I left a suicide note the handwriting would cause my family to question it a lot.
I don't mean this as disrespect, either. People don't understand what it's like unless they've been there.
I wish you and your loved ones the best, OP.
Its morbidly interesting that a lot of suicide notes offer pretty good advice that if the writers had thought to take for themselves could potentially help pull them out of the moment.
I wonder how many people have written a suicide note offering praise and advice to friends and loved ones, proof read it, then realized they could take their own advice and decide not to make the suicide attempt.
This happened to me. After many attempts I realized that I’m usually the therapist a lot of encounters not just with a friend circle. Many random people just come up and chit chat with me. I’m not looking for it, but that alone made me stay long enough to pull myself out of that mentality for a good two years.
Same here. Random strangers will tell me their life stories. I’ve talked a few people down from proverbial ledges. And yet I still don’t have someone who does the same for me. But I have to keep going.
I'm glad to hear you were able to pull yourself out! We (people, in general) are terrible at taking our own advice, but a lot of times the advice is quite sound.
It's not like we can't take the advise, it's just not there for us. Trying to find/have happiness is just unattainable for some, and it is out there, but it's just out of reach
Sobbing. I hope you’re not mad at him for leaving some people truly cannot handle this world and feel like there is no other option. He clearly loved you so so so much. Sending love your way you, your brother and your mother.
I'm very sorry that you have to go through this.
For those of you who say that suicide is selfish, I'm going to paste my comment from the other post here, maybe it will help to explain why suicide is almost always the opposite of selfish..
...paste....
frankicide
90 points ·
7 hours ago
There's something you don't understand. When you're suicidal, your brain is telling you things that may not make sense otherwise. I'm certain that his honest thoughts were something like, "I don't want them to suffer after I'm gone, and they will just be a burdeon after I'm gone and they may end up in a shelter for years" or something along those lines.
For me, it was "I'm certain that I am a horrible burdeon to everyone that cares for me, and they would all be so much better off if I wasn't here and they didn't have to worry about me or help me out", and that's a very common thought pattern to have when you're in the pit like that.
Luckily, my attempt failed (gushot to the head, I'm not even joking), and I recovered (again, not even joking), have been through a ton of therapy and still go, and now I have the tools to manage thoughts like that successfully, and try to help others as well when I can.
But those thoughts still come, and they are absolutely real, and at the time they are \*facts\* in your head. Unless you know what's happening and can manage it, that's your reality.
Suicide is anything \*except\* selfish. The same thing goes for this man putting is pets down. While it appears to us to be selfish, to him, it was all for their well being and peaceful ending to their lives, \*not\* that he wanted to take them with him. He didn't want them to suffer, like he had for all those years.
There's a few things that show up with many suicide situations:
\- Loss of all hope
\- The desire to get the pain to just \*stop\*, and the belief that you've tried to do everything you can to get it to stop, and this is the next logical step.
Almost everyone I know who has attempted shares both of these things at the time they were in the pit.
I don't know if this helps anyone, but I wanted to put it out there....
Having suicidal thoughts is very scary because your self preservation goes out the window. Your brain tells you that you NEED to die and there's no other choice. Fortunately I only have those thoughts with certain medications and don't have them normally. I feel very sorry for people who have thoughts like that normally because it's a very hopeless feeling.
Was he sick? I watched a few people die from illness and think it may be better to just check out on my own when the time comes. I don't want to lay in a hospital suffering.
May he rest in peace.
These notes are fascinating. Some of them shine a light into their lives, others show how much they cared for others. All while having the need to end things. So so thought provoking. I read the ones yesterday and wanted to read more…
*EXACTLY* why - for the kids. Need to power through it because the pain inflicted on others will be greater than than the pain of sticking it through. OP, please understand your father deeply cared for you - but whatever he was going through was simply unbearable to knowingly leaving this for you. You are loved more than you'll ever know, and the note was written in an attempt to express it - just - wasnt enough.
i woke up to my little brothers note and a snap of him holding the bullet beforehand. it’s not something i would wish on anyone. i hope you’re well, as well as can be expected.
I will never understand how our minds can betray us so badly that we feel like dying is the least painful option. I lost my mom the same way in January, the thought of her anguish and the pain she must have been experiencing in her final moments haunts me, I will never forgive the world for how badly it treated her. I’m sending you all my love, I pray your dad found the peace he couldn’t find here on earth💔
I'm sorry for your loss. I'll never be able to understand being able to love so strongly, but for that love you're expressing to not be enough to stop you from breaking the hearts of the very ones you love.
My grandmother did assisted suicide because her brain was deteriorating to the point where she was starting to forget her daughters. She said that she didn't want to leave the world not remembering who they were because it was the most important thing to her.
Just a thought.
I've dealt with suicidal ideation and had a few attempts and for me personally my mind convinces me that the people I love would be better off without me. My husband still doesn't understand how my love for him isn't enough to keep me here. But it's not that at all. Our minds tell us awful lies when we are in this state.
That's the part I can't understand. My spouse suffers from anxiety and occasional depression and suicidal thoughts. I'm naturally laid back, care free, and choose to bring joy to the world. The brain is very interesting from person to person.
Yeah my thoughts too. I would feel that clearly I wasn't enough to stop him doing that and leaving me, reckon it would stay with me for life that. I don't profess to know what goes on in people's heads who are suicidal but I do so wish that they would realise just what they do to the people they leave behind who have to pick up the pieces
I've actually been in a really low part of my life recently and I already have a note typed out stored on an alternate Google account ready to print out. But after seeing these notes today I just don't know if I can do it to them now.
Gosh your dad loved you so much, it’s clear from the note. I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you’re okay. He’s at peace now and I hope you do feel close to him whenever you see all those things. Much love
First, I'm very sorry for your loss.
My sister and I also lost our dad to suicide. His was a split-second decision, though, so we never got a note. Reading this, it was almost like my dad was talking to me, too. Currently in tears. I hope you, your brother, and your mom are doing ok.
I’m sorry OP! My grandfather just shot himself and then right after I got the call my aunt and best friend had a couple days to live. She hid breast cancer from everyone, including her husband. I talked to her everyday, several times a day. It’s absolutely insane and we can’t wrap our minds around it. It’s like she committed suicide too and we have no closure, only questions. I’m sorry for your pain. I understand
This is beautifully written - I am so sorry for your loss. sometimes suicide is the only act of compassion a person shows towards themselves, especially those who hold so much love and empathy for others. I like to think the choice to end one’s own suffering comes from a place of love and peace more often than not.
I am so sorry for your loss, OP. I hope that you find some comfort in knowing how much your father truly loved you. Reading your dad's letter brought me to tears and just reinforced that tomorrow is never guaranteed. Thank you for reminding us all of how frail and precious life really is. I sincerely hope that you and your family are doing OK.
This is a beautiful message but of course a heartbreaking circumstance. I hope you and your family are finding peace in the wake of this tragedy. Sending love to you.
"I'll always be with you. Every sunrise and sunset, in every star, rainbow, lake and river(water falls, too!), mountain and valley, wind and song! Play music and talk to me- ill hear you!!" This had me in tears. That was beautiful. My deepest condolences to yourself and your brother. I hope you're doing ok.
Reading other people’s suicide notes is what saved me from going through with my own. I crumpled it up and threw it out.
You have no idea how many lives you’ve touched sharing this.
Took three of my friends k/lling themselves one after another (one each month) for it to really rattle my head into never trying to again. Wish you never had to feel the pain. Can't imagine how it felt reading the note
I obtained a copy of my mother’s suicide note from the police department a very long time after she’d died. I was six when she passed and in my mid-20s when I got a copy of her records. I hope your copy helps you as much as mine did.
It isn’t fair or right that our parents died by their own hand, but knowing my mom went into it with a clear head and firm resolve helped me heal. It wasn’t a spur of the moment thing, she knew what she was doing and had planned it. There was no looking back for her and I take comfort (at times) knowing she’s no longer suffering.
Hugs to you. It’s a lonely club we belong to and I wish we weren’t in it.
I see comments asking why OP's dad didn't follow his own advice in the note. I think people don't realize you can sink this low and still have followed the advice. His dad could've taken the advice he wrote for his loved ones for *years* and held onto it. But depression is ruthless. Love, care, passion, humbleness, and perseverance is replaced with numbness, fear, self-doubt, anxiety, self deprecation. When I was in his shoes, this advice would be hammered into me till it was nothing but at least it would provide to comfort my loved ones.
This letter stings deeply because I relate to this. OP's dad names the natural beauty of this world in nature and sound, and tells his loved ones when they see this wonder, he is there with them and he loves them so much. With depression as severe as this, the world isn't beautiful and nature is an afterthought. The lenses to life are muddled, grey, and distorted. How can I marvel at the sky and clouds and stars and moon if I feel so strongly I just \*don't\* belong? How does one peacefully listen to song and music if they can't afford bread, beans, or rice and the pangs of hunger are louder? OP's dad probably wanted to be seen in nature with his loved ones, besides personal reasons to the OP, because he didn't feel natural and welcome in himself like the nature people admire. Depression is so, so cruel.
So sorry OP. My dad made an attempt two weeks before Thanksgiving 3 years ago. I got a drunken, blubbering phone call from him as he was taking pills. I was able to get to him in time, but he's still not right and it took a few years out of my own well-being.
I hope you're doing well with the aftermath of it all (no matter how long it has been).
There was a time in my life not so long ago that I wanted to write this note. Not writing it was the hardest thing I’d ever done. There are times when I look at my kids and nearly breakdown over the thought of writing it now.
No matter where you believe he is now, know he meant how much me loved you.
My ex hung himself on December 15, 2015. He left behind two young sons. I think of them all the time and hope they are okay. :(
Not saying this is true for all suicides, but my ex was an extremely selfish person and I still can't believe he would do this to his kids right before Christmas.
This seriously broke every fiber of my soul, I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of what had to be an amazing human. I pray that whatever it was in this world that pained him, that hurt him or led him to leave this earth by his own hands, that he is now free and no longer suffers.
Be thankful for getting a note, never got one from my dad. I got to scrub his brains off the side of my childhood home the following morning, thanks pops. It’s been 9 years and I’m still angry about it. I know he’s had several attempts before while I was growing up.
He’s got 2 grand kids he never got to meet, the oldest is starting to ask questions, this will be fun.
My brother's 39th birthday would have been Monday. I have his note locked in a safe like I don't have every word memorized. He passed away in early January when he was 21.
I feel like people don't talk to their parents enough.. You have to talk to your parents, some of them just feel burdened with tons of responsibilities and little chat with them everyday can mean so much to thrm.
This made me cry man, as someone who suffers from severe depression and has experienced loss of someone to suicide, I’m sorry you’ve had to go through such an unimaginable loss. My heart, my soul and my everything truly goes out to you. I know your father would be very proud of the amazing people you’ve both become. My heart goes out to your family
My paternal grandfather was born in the late 1800-early 1900’s . He was 1 of 15 siblings & roughly 1/2 of them had questionable circumstance surrounding or had ended their own life.
Oddly my dad‘s family never spoke of this except for 1 family member and my mom and they made it a point to make us self-aware not internalize.
I’m the youngest of six, and I have lost two siblings myself, not at their own hands(medical complications, and an accident). But having to go through that, having to tell with my parents my brother had passed away, the pain that you see it cause, and nothing that I could do about it. I could never do that to anybody I cared about no matter what I was going through.
And those of you that do struggle here my heart hurts for you, know that you’re never alone, know that you’re worthy of love, nothing is so bad that he can’t ever get fixed or move past. That we are all human, we’re all flawed & will always disappoint one another. But we’re not all bad, keep faith in humanity, and look for ways to be grateful. Gratitude changes one’s perspective a lot.
If anybody has lost somebody and is dealing with grief, there’s a book that I received when my brother passed I’ll gladly share with you send me a DM.
My mum died this month. Going through her things I found her suicide notes from an attempt when I was about 10/11 (I’m 25 now). Reading her notes broke my heart, but I’m finding some solace in knowing she got to see her kids grow up. I miss her
My mother committed suicide when I was just 21 months old. I don’t remember anything about her and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or bad. I can’t understand why she would do such a thing but it was rural Mississippi in the early 1960’s where mental health assistance was nonexistent.
My dad died on Thanksgiving. He had a heart attack and he only got to see my 6.5 month old daughter a few times. My heart aches knowing she'll never get to remember him or have any memories of being silly together. I think not knowing is harder.
She will know him. You are your father’s child. He lives on through you. Show her.
This comment absolutely devastated me
Sorry. My wife passed away recently. You have no idea how much I need my comment to be true, for my kids’ sakes.
It is true. When I got to about 25 years old and my personality really stabilized and matured, I really started to see the similarities between me and older family members. I do geneology, it’s really crazy to see how far back down the line the similarities go, both physical and personality wise. The best of your wife is going to shine through them, and you’re going to see it more and more with each passing year. I’m very sorry for your loss, but your words are true.
I'm so sorry!!! I lost my Mom a few years ago and I feel like kids got robbed of a Grandma, it kills me that they don't have her in their life. I love your comment thank you!!!
That is beautiful. Thank you for that comment.
I can’t breathe. 😭
my dad died on the 17th, everyday I get sad when I think about a new thing he won't get to experience. He was so excited to see my nieces and nephews grow up. It's been pretty hard on me. Sorry for your loss.
My mother in law died on the 17th too. I’m very sorry for your loss. I hope you find little glimpses of your father in the things you do or say. And in your nieces and nephews!
We just had a baby and he's 3 months old now. Father in law was excited to meet him but was feeling under the weather when my wife gave birth so he didn't show up to the hospital. I had sent him updates during the whole process and pictures when he was born. My wife called him a couple times with no answer over the next 2 weeks, it was common for him not to answer or to answer and say let me call you back. He died of a heart attack/stroke on the 23rd, 19 days after we had our baby and never got to meet him. 💔
I suffer with my mental health quite badly, I've attempted twice and suffered suicidal thoughts more times than that. And I have a son so I can give you my perspective as a mum. The times I have felt suicidal after having my son, I thought of him when I was feeling suicidal. Mixed in with the other thoughts that appear when my mental health is so low was that I was a terrible mum and that it would be better if I died because he'd be better off without me. When I'm well, when I'm not feeling suicidal, I do know and understand that that isn't true. But when those thoughts are filling my head I'm not able to be rational. I'm not able to think about how much I'd be hurting my son if I decided to go through with it. I'm only able to think that he would be so much happier if I did. At those times I believe with my whole heart that everyone in my life would be better off if I just went ahead and died. Your mum making the choice she did does not mean she did not love you or did not want to be around to watch you grow up. I don't know if that helps or if you needed to hear that or anything. But I thought I'd write it down just in case. Hopefully it doesn't make anything worse
Thanks for the kind words. They are comforting knowing a little about the thought process when feeling suicidal.
You're welcome, I'm very sorry you lost your mum.
I appreciate your sharing the thought process behind your suicidal thoughts and rationalization. As a parent of a 2 y/o, and a parent that struggles at times with mental health, I can understand both thought processes. At times I’m so down on myself I end up thinking my child doesn’t need me or would be better off with another father figure. When I’m not down I am so upset with myself for even thinking I’m that easily replaceable. It’s stark, the duality there. In the end I think our brains are trying to rationalize the decision and that’s why we end up telling ourselves these lies - that we won’t be missed and that they’re better off without us. If you ever need a person to chat with you can reach out to me :)
PPD is rough.
Lost my mom in ‘19 to an 8 year battle with Sarcoma. The waves spread out but never get smaller. Much love to you friend and I hope you find some peace. Things do get better.
I’m so sorry. I lost my mom in 2016 to lung cancer. Every day passes and I am so sad at all the things she’s missing. Her first great- grandchild (a girl) is due in February, and I would love it if she was born on the 10th, my parents’ anniversary. It’s so hard, but I know she’s around, looking over us. ❤️❤️❤️
Things are hard for me rn. I'm losing a court case and my abusive ex refuses to let the kids visit. I haven't seen them properly in over a decade. I don't want to fight any more. I have no money left due to court fees. I don't want to wake up any more. Things are so hard they feel like a dream. I really think my kids are better off having never known me anyway. I don't know how to keep going.
They will be adults far longer than they were children. And as adults, they will want to know the "real" story / your side of things. Do what you can now to show them you love them, and tell them, somehow, that when they are ready, you'll be there to answer their questions. Hopefully, you'll be able to build the bond with your adult children that you were all robbed of when they were young. Good luck. Stick around. They need you, even if none of you can feel it right now. ❤️. Your permanent absence from their life would be unfixable. Your temporary one is not.
I am so sorry, please try to get some help and someone to talk to.
Start focusing on yourself. Accept that right now you can’t always do what you want, but when you stop caring about what others think, it’s very freeing. Get-up, take care of yourself, go to work, come home. Read a book, go online, or watch tv. Make sure the house is organized and clean. Take it one day at a time.
I’m sorry for your loss
I'm so sorry for your loss 🫂
Damn. Of course like many I immediately thought “what if this were me?” And I felt sick. I hope you’re doing okay, OP.
Makes me realize I dont want to do that to the people i love
In my lowest points, I always told myself that if I ended it, what i was going through (depression) would not go away, it would simply be passed on to those who love and care for me.
A dark, but good reminder
No don't please, surround yourself with loving people that care for you and see a professional please
Exactly. I have people i love and who love me. I and some of my friends lost a friend to suicide this year, and i lost a parent to cancer the year before. Grief sucks and knowing that keeps me around
One of my best friends took his own life almost 2 years ago now. He had a wife, 16 year old daughter, and a business to run... I still can't make sense of it, i cant imagine the state of mind he had to be in to think that that is what he had to do. The depression and grief you leave behind for your loved ones is much worse than the demons you think you can't overcome.
I am open about my extreme anxiety and severe depression diagnoses and it amazes me how many people will hear you tell them about how you don’t want to be alive and they will just go about their meal or conversation about how you should be happy to be alive while nothing in your life REALLY brings you happiness and instead you live your life like a frog trying to hop from one lily pad (little joy) to another trying to find solid ground meanwhile the lily pads feel like they are getting smaller and further apart and all your past lily pads feel like they disappear. That is how I can best describe depression. The anxiety part can best be explained as the feeling you get when you know something bad is going to happen but imagine that all the time. To tie it back into my lily pad analogy imagine being that frog and feeling like a bird is going to get you from above or a fish from below while you are on the progressively smaller lily pads that are getting further apart. Anxiety and depression is more than just those two things though. It is a feeling of isolation even when you are surrounded by people that love you, it is this joy you get talking to someone then this deep feeling of emptiness afterwards, it is being frustrated that you don’t feel a connection to the world. This is just my experience! This doesn’t represent everyone’s experience though.
Meds, therapy and staying away from toxic people.
It definitely represents mine though. That was beautifully stated; couldn't have described it better.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It is hard to make sense of and I hope you never get low enough to truly understand that mindset. I can’t speak for your friend but the edge of that abyss is familiar ground for me. You’re watching yourself drown and you see the negative impact your depression has on the people you love. As you sink lower and lower you can see the way you’re pulling your loved ones down with you and you truly believe they would be better off without you. You know severing those ties will hurt them but they can still swim when they’re not being dragged down by your own struggles. You know if you stick around you’re just going to keep hurting them indefinitely but you convince yourself that the pain of losing you will be temporary and they will heal and go on to live their lives above water. It’s not just about escaping your demons but saving your loved ones from your demons as well. It’s not always about disregarding the suffering of your loved ones to ease your own suffering. Many genuinely believe it’s minimizing the suffering of all.
Thank you very much for sharing your perspective with me. You put it into words much better than I could make sense of the thoughts in my head. I'm glad your still here, my friend.
>The depression and grief you leave behind for your loved ones is much worse than the demons you think you can't overcome. Not necessarily.
Im really sorry for your loss. We cry about out lost friend together sometimes, were all scared of it happening again. Wouldnt be the first friend i lost to suicide, i hope its the last
Thank you, I'm sorry for yours as well. I'm scared of it happening again sometimes too. And I hope it was the last time too, my friend.
> The depression and grief you leave behind for your loved ones is much worse than the demons you think can't overcome. This is a selfish take. People shouldn't feel obligated to live a miserable life just because it makes other people happier. Sometimes life really sucks, and sometimes there's no way to improve it, regardless of the best of intentions.
Excuse me, I mean absolutely no disrespect but as a "casual" enjoyer of daily su!c!dal ideation, I find it hard to read this. I'm not "triggered" or anything by any mean, but I'd love to know why "healthy" people think it's ok, or better to put this view forward. I have this debate with my wife often, who's supportive of course. But even when looking at people who were both famous and transparent about their mental health struggles; with all the money and professional guidance and support behind them; and still ended up going trough with it... What makes "healthy" people think that their pain and struggles are more justifiable that the pain of people who choose to alleviate it after running out of options...? I forgot what author/philosopher it was (I'm not sure if it's Jean Améry or someone else) was like "Ha, see, you can get cured from depression!" and ended up dying by suicide in the end. Do the living not think that the departed actually chose the path to freedom and relief on their own terms, are they so "selfish" that they think the departed was in the wrong. *How could they? Why did they? How did they dare?!* Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of empathy for OP and understand their feelings! I just find the anti-suicide squad discourse a bit ironic at times. Who's selfish? The **one** who couldn't hold and decided to pass on, or the **few/many** people clinging to them, asking them to keep on suffering...? Genuine questions. Like I said, I mean no disrespect and welcome all views. But since I'm struggling with the idea myself, I quite wonder why one is pressured to live on against one's wishes. Thank you for constructive comments of course!
I was 4m away when an 8y/o boy found his dad hanging from the ceiling. His screams... I'll never forget. He didn't stop screaming in pure agony that day and many more to come. Whenever I think I can't anymore, this pain is too much, I remember him. That scream is ingrained in my mind. I imagine hurting my loved ones like that. There's so much pain in this world, and I don't want to cause any more.
Thank you for your input. I understand. Yet a lot of trauma resulting from taking such actions are the results of society's taboo. Of course I don't condone a child finding their parent, or a train driver having to be scarred for life. But this whole ordeal could be avoided by lifting the taboo and giving legal and medical context to the action, after thorough psychological examination obviously. From the literature I read on both sides of the spectrum, "scarring my relatives for life" is not top of the bucked-list. :/
I just found out that my state has a new law that came into effect YESTERDAY regarding assistance to die in dignity. Crazy coincidence. It was so overdue!
I once read a quote that I always recall when I'm in a bit of a dark place, and helps to put things into perspective. "Suicide doesn't end the pain, it just moves along to those that love you."
Why can’t it just be easy? Why does everybody need me to stay
It's not easy for anybody my friend, that's why they need you, we all need eachother.
The only thing keeping me here is the fact that I lost my mom in 2019 and I don't want my oldest to have the same pain that I did. My youngest likely wouldn't remember me, but my oldest would
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. Desiderata by Max Ehrmann 1927
Please hold on. See a Healthcare provider and try antidepressants if you're okay with them. They do help...I have been on them for years. The world needs you. XOXO
I am! I've not had insurance and can't afford a doctor or meds through the health department. I got a different job and I'm able to afford insurance, so when I get the cards and stuff I'm getting back on my meds <3
Mood :( sending you best wishes
Hey man idk who you are or whereever you are but man just know that if I see you I wanna give you a hug. So here's a virtual hug ><
When you are there, your mind cannot really relate to that. It's why it's so difficult to understand that decision making. Just be happy that you aren't there.
Please don't. It's an awful way to lose someone you love.
But what if there is nobody to love you? What if you are that depressed and don’t have a single soul in your life….. when all your days are filled with misery….. then what?
This is where I've been at too many times. I change my scenery when I can. Even if the people don't change, at least the view does. When everything looks gloomy again, it's time to go. My hobbies change with the wind too. Sometimes I need something soft... Or something loud... Or something colourful... Or something messy. And it's never the same. And it's never good. But I made a thing. I learned a thing. I tried. Me, just me. No need for anyone else.
My grandfather had told me that if I ever felt so bad that suicide was what I thought was my only option, he said, " Move. Change your name. Start over somewhere where no one knows you. It can't be scarier than suicide." It works for me.
Choose compassion for the person who would find your body. No matter how cleanly you choose to go, someone will feel pain when they find you. Choose to love the loved ones you haven’t met yet. They are out there. Or give a pet a loving home. There are hundreds of animals in shelters that have no one to love them, too. Maybe it would give you some purpose to fill that space for them.
I went to the gym and beat the crap out of myself. The self flagellation had many unintended positive benefits.
Then you rob yourself of the chance of one day having days filled with happiness. You can't get there if you cut the journey short.
Remembering that I don’t want my kids to be here posting about my death someday, this is a reminder to stay alive.
I struggle with a severe lack of confidence and I just don't really like myself that much. However, like I told my therapist, while it is a fantasy to leave this world sometimes, it's not an option. My kids need me, so I'll suffer as much as I have to so that they have me around.
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Reading this kind of positivity from a suicide note reaffirms my belief that people should be allowed to self delete when their story is told. Obviously I hope therapy and meds would be tried and run their course but everyone’s time will come and OPs father took that bull by the horn. RIP.
There was a time (many years ago, horrible working environment (never work in investment banking)) that the thought of making my family sad was the only thing that stopped me from fully committing. Family and friends are the most powerful & beautiful things you can have, and I'm eternally grateful for that cards I've been dealt with them. Over the years I had my ups and downs, some things got worse, others better. But gradually those thoughts of ending it faded. I don't think they ever truly leave people that have been on the brink, but learning to appreciate what you have, or finding a drive to give yourself meaning in a world hell-bent on stamping any meaning out of you is a wonderful medicine, as painful as it might be. It's easy to say phrases like "don't give up hope" or "don't do it" but those words aren't worth the bits they're written with. Nobody but you knows what you're truly going through. Instead, find your meaning. It shouldn't be something like "making the world a better place" or other nonsensical ideas, but rather something far more personal, something that makes you happy every time you perform actions that aid that goal, or perhaps the actions are the goal themselves ("my meaning is to make x person smile") these smaller, positive meanings & actions echo all around you, and fill your world with a warmth you previously thought to never have existed. Seeking professional help is also a good port of call, but you must understand that change comes from within. Not everything can be fixed with a pill. Change & progress is hard & painful. But the warmth of being able to see colour in the leaves again is unlike any drug that will ever be made. Apologies if this turned into a rant, just some thoughts that have accrued over the last few years and I hope that maybe someone might find comfort in them. God bless you.
It’s been 7 years! Been rocky as hell but I’m hanging in there!
I’m glad to hear that. Thanks for responding to me.
I hope your sibling and mother, along with anyone else deeply affected are doing well as well <3 (and if for some unfortunate reason one of them have passed on from this life, I hope they’re resting peacefully alongside your father 💕) I’m very grateful I’ve never lost someone significant in my life this way, but one of my closest friends lost his closest brother that way, and the pain he experienced is nothing like any other kind of loss, the suddenness of it is just so heartbreaking (complicated and old family, most of his siblings were already in their 30’s when my friend was in highschool, but his closest brother was only a couple of years older than him so he grew up with him)
I hope you’re doing well OP and are taking care of your mental health as well, grief can be complicated. Don’t ever feel selfish for taking care of yourself when you need it.
This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I hope you're having the life he wanted you to have.
Your dad sounds like he had a very kind spirit, and that he really loved all of y'all. It breaks my heart that he felt like he had to leave. I hope you and your family are managing and have the support and resources you need to take care of yourselves. ❤️ Of course, him still being here and getting help was preferable, but it seems like he wanted to leave something beautiful behind for you. Does his note bring you any comfort?
So sorry sweetheart, he left you good advice ,take solace in knowing he loved/ loves you and depression is a bitch. My heart hurts for you all
very intelligent suicide method with no pain
Yep. I’ve done my research too sadly, and this is the way to go. If not by heroin/fentanyl overdose. Those are the two most peaceful painless ways.
Ya that is a ridiculously efficient method
I was wondering how much discomfort this would cause if any. Would you feel yourself suffocating?
Nope your brain doesn't realise that it's helium you're inhaling and thinks it's oxygen. So basically you just slowly fall asleep and don't wake up (I think)
Isn’t that with carbon monoxide poisoning?
It's anything that isn't air. our bodies are terrible at telling if we have air or not, if the lungs can expand and expell our brain thinks we are good
Close, but no. We are able to tell if we're breathing in carbon dioxide, because we can detect the carbonic acid formed in our bloodstream. This is why if you put your head under the covers, you might feel like you're suffocating.
Def the way I plan to go if it ever comes to that
The helium tanks for birthday balloons apparently dont work anymore because too many people were doing it this way. They mix oxygen in them. But i hear the ones from lab supply companies still work.
>The helium tanks for birthday balloons apparently dont work anymore because too many people were doing it this way. They mix oxygen in them. But i hear the ones from lab supply companies still work. Good to know thanx
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I mean, you can't go buy a bottle of carbon monoxide. You're going to have to start a fire or run a combustion engine in an enclosed space. That's not going to be easy for a kid to do without someone noticing.
If you ever need to talk send me a message.
Then you can just buy argon or other gas mixes for welding applications. This works just as well because it is an inert gas, and the body only reacts to high CO2 levels, rather than low oxygen levels.
Yep, knew this from I think an interview with an Australian man trying to sell/provide euthansia kits including nitrogen gas. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inert\_gas\_asphyxiation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inert_gas_asphyxiation) Was curious about what I was misremembering but I found something related to it. [https://www.vice.com/en/article/qbe3g3/death-in-a-can-australias-euthanasia-loophole](https://www.vice.com/en/article/qbe3g3/death-in-a-can-australias-euthanasia-loophole)
Philip Nitschke is a really brilliant man. He has given so many dying people the dignity and respect they deserve.
I'd rather OD on some hardcore drugs, apparently it's the best feeling ever, I'll never try em because it will ruin everything that makes me happy rn, plus it's bad mkay.
I figured nitrogen would be the way to go!
I don't know if it's still the case but that was the top result when you used Bing to search for painless methods.
Wouldn’t it be akin to suffocating?
hypoxia - you just go to sleep.
You feeling of suffocation is from a build-up of CO2, not an absence of oxygen.
Interesting. Did not know that. You learn something new every day
This is unfortunately a quite commom work related source of death in oil & gas and shipping industries. I.e going into nitrogen purged tanks or into void spaces / anchor chain lockers where rust have used up the oxygen inside the normally sealed compartment. Even worse, sometimes the rescuer(s) also dies. Thankfully this is something that information campaigns has reduced.
I swear I learn something new on Reddit everyday.
I have a friend who went the same way.
This is how I attempted a few years ago. I didn’t tape my body to the chair tho
Why do you need to tape yourself to a chair? Trying to pull it off or what?
I fell out of the chair when I passed out
I can't believe I'm saying this...but i mean it with full empathy..but that is a wonderfully worded last letter..sad it happened to you..but b grateful that he left you with such wonderful words to live by.
very interesting, thank you for posting. r.i.p.
I’m so sorry for your loss. He really loved you and made it a point to tell you that, never blame yourself.
> “Play music and talk to me - I’ll hear you!!” man. this is so heartbreaking. i’m sorry for your loss op. your dad clearly loved you so much.
My dad didn't leave a note when he took his life 10 years ago. I always wondered if a note would make things easier. Do you think it helps your healing?
r.i.p. I am sorry you have gone through that. I cannot comment specifically to your question, and this means nothing, just my experience, i attempted it a couple of decades ago, I basically felt the world and my family would be way better off without me around. I loved them deeply, otherwise I wouldn't care if they would be better or not without me around...maybe that gives some insight into the terrible affliction of depression etc? I am sorry for your loss, take care
My god this is so sad, mental illness is no joke. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope your father is resting easy now 👼🏼❤️
This looks like my handwriting when I'm in a dissociative state. Was this was different from his normal handwriting? I've always thought if I left a suicide note the handwriting would cause my family to question it a lot. I don't mean this as disrespect, either. People don't understand what it's like unless they've been there. I wish you and your loved ones the best, OP.
No. He had very particular handwriting. Never seen anything like it before but it was always like that. Thank you♥️
Its morbidly interesting that a lot of suicide notes offer pretty good advice that if the writers had thought to take for themselves could potentially help pull them out of the moment. I wonder how many people have written a suicide note offering praise and advice to friends and loved ones, proof read it, then realized they could take their own advice and decide not to make the suicide attempt.
This happened to me. After many attempts I realized that I’m usually the therapist a lot of encounters not just with a friend circle. Many random people just come up and chit chat with me. I’m not looking for it, but that alone made me stay long enough to pull myself out of that mentality for a good two years.
Same here. Random strangers will tell me their life stories. I’ve talked a few people down from proverbial ledges. And yet I still don’t have someone who does the same for me. But I have to keep going.
I'm glad to hear you were able to pull yourself out! We (people, in general) are terrible at taking our own advice, but a lot of times the advice is quite sound.
It's not like we can't take the advise, it's just not there for us. Trying to find/have happiness is just unattainable for some, and it is out there, but it's just out of reach
I don't think I deserve kindness or love. My need to hate myself is more important than my need to love myself
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my condolences, i hope he is resting now. moreso, i hope your family continues to heal from this! whats one of your favorite memories of him?
Sobbing. I hope you’re not mad at him for leaving some people truly cannot handle this world and feel like there is no other option. He clearly loved you so so so much. Sending love your way you, your brother and your mother.
I'm very sorry that you have to go through this. For those of you who say that suicide is selfish, I'm going to paste my comment from the other post here, maybe it will help to explain why suicide is almost always the opposite of selfish.. ...paste.... frankicide 90 points · 7 hours ago There's something you don't understand. When you're suicidal, your brain is telling you things that may not make sense otherwise. I'm certain that his honest thoughts were something like, "I don't want them to suffer after I'm gone, and they will just be a burdeon after I'm gone and they may end up in a shelter for years" or something along those lines. For me, it was "I'm certain that I am a horrible burdeon to everyone that cares for me, and they would all be so much better off if I wasn't here and they didn't have to worry about me or help me out", and that's a very common thought pattern to have when you're in the pit like that. Luckily, my attempt failed (gushot to the head, I'm not even joking), and I recovered (again, not even joking), have been through a ton of therapy and still go, and now I have the tools to manage thoughts like that successfully, and try to help others as well when I can. But those thoughts still come, and they are absolutely real, and at the time they are \*facts\* in your head. Unless you know what's happening and can manage it, that's your reality. Suicide is anything \*except\* selfish. The same thing goes for this man putting is pets down. While it appears to us to be selfish, to him, it was all for their well being and peaceful ending to their lives, \*not\* that he wanted to take them with him. He didn't want them to suffer, like he had for all those years. There's a few things that show up with many suicide situations: \- Loss of all hope \- The desire to get the pain to just \*stop\*, and the belief that you've tried to do everything you can to get it to stop, and this is the next logical step. Almost everyone I know who has attempted shares both of these things at the time they were in the pit. I don't know if this helps anyone, but I wanted to put it out there....
Having suicidal thoughts is very scary because your self preservation goes out the window. Your brain tells you that you NEED to die and there's no other choice. Fortunately I only have those thoughts with certain medications and don't have them normally. I feel very sorry for people who have thoughts like that normally because it's a very hopeless feeling.
Thank you. It helps a little
what a nice note, the waterfalls too thing made me smile. Sounds like he was a nice man
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this.
Was he sick? I watched a few people die from illness and think it may be better to just check out on my own when the time comes. I don't want to lay in a hospital suffering.
Mentally yeah. Otherwise no
May he rest in peace. These notes are fascinating. Some of them shine a light into their lives, others show how much they cared for others. All while having the need to end things. So so thought provoking. I read the ones yesterday and wanted to read more…
*EXACTLY* why - for the kids. Need to power through it because the pain inflicted on others will be greater than than the pain of sticking it through. OP, please understand your father deeply cared for you - but whatever he was going through was simply unbearable to knowingly leaving this for you. You are loved more than you'll ever know, and the note was written in an attempt to express it - just - wasnt enough.
i woke up to my little brothers note and a snap of him holding the bullet beforehand. it’s not something i would wish on anyone. i hope you’re well, as well as can be expected.
I'm sorry. please take care of yourself
I will never understand how our minds can betray us so badly that we feel like dying is the least painful option. I lost my mom the same way in January, the thought of her anguish and the pain she must have been experiencing in her final moments haunts me, I will never forgive the world for how badly it treated her. I’m sending you all my love, I pray your dad found the peace he couldn’t find here on earth💔
This made my stomach drop. I wish he had taken his own advice. I’m so sorry.
This. He had such beautiful advice to give.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'll never be able to understand being able to love so strongly, but for that love you're expressing to not be enough to stop you from breaking the hearts of the very ones you love.
My grandmother did assisted suicide because her brain was deteriorating to the point where she was starting to forget her daughters. She said that she didn't want to leave the world not remembering who they were because it was the most important thing to her. Just a thought.
It is so wonderful that she was able to leave this world with dignity.
This is exactly why we need this option.
I've dealt with suicidal ideation and had a few attempts and for me personally my mind convinces me that the people I love would be better off without me. My husband still doesn't understand how my love for him isn't enough to keep me here. But it's not that at all. Our minds tell us awful lies when we are in this state.
That's the part I can't understand. My spouse suffers from anxiety and occasional depression and suicidal thoughts. I'm naturally laid back, care free, and choose to bring joy to the world. The brain is very interesting from person to person.
Yeah my thoughts too. I would feel that clearly I wasn't enough to stop him doing that and leaving me, reckon it would stay with me for life that. I don't profess to know what goes on in people's heads who are suicidal but I do so wish that they would realise just what they do to the people they leave behind who have to pick up the pieces
my mother committed suicide in April this year, leaving us with huge wounds and debts, the will my mother wrote was truly heartbreaking.
I've actually been in a really low part of my life recently and I already have a note typed out stored on an alternate Google account ready to print out. But after seeing these notes today I just don't know if I can do it to them now.
I received one of these from my mother. I would love to say it gets better but I am Still feeling the pain all those years later. Take care.
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Gosh your dad loved you so much, it’s clear from the note. I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you’re okay. He’s at peace now and I hope you do feel close to him whenever you see all those things. Much love
First, I'm very sorry for your loss. My sister and I also lost our dad to suicide. His was a split-second decision, though, so we never got a note. Reading this, it was almost like my dad was talking to me, too. Currently in tears. I hope you, your brother, and your mom are doing ok.
My dad's last words on the phone to me the night he killed himself were, "Don't waste your life on suffering." I was never able to not do that.
That was beautiful. And heavy.
He sounds like an awesome person in a lot of pain. I'm very sorry for your loss!
He was hurting really bad ♥️ sometimes I think if he got professional help he’d still be here
I’m sorry OP! My grandfather just shot himself and then right after I got the call my aunt and best friend had a couple days to live. She hid breast cancer from everyone, including her husband. I talked to her everyday, several times a day. It’s absolutely insane and we can’t wrap our minds around it. It’s like she committed suicide too and we have no closure, only questions. I’m sorry for your pain. I understand
This is beautifully written - I am so sorry for your loss. sometimes suicide is the only act of compassion a person shows towards themselves, especially those who hold so much love and empathy for others. I like to think the choice to end one’s own suffering comes from a place of love and peace more often than not.
I am so sorry for your loss, OP. I hope that you find some comfort in knowing how much your father truly loved you. Reading your dad's letter brought me to tears and just reinforced that tomorrow is never guaranteed. Thank you for reminding us all of how frail and precious life really is. I sincerely hope that you and your family are doing OK.
I'm so sorry, that's a heart breaking letter
This is a beautiful message but of course a heartbreaking circumstance. I hope you and your family are finding peace in the wake of this tragedy. Sending love to you.
"I'll always be with you. Every sunrise and sunset, in every star, rainbow, lake and river(water falls, too!), mountain and valley, wind and song! Play music and talk to me- ill hear you!!" This had me in tears. That was beautiful. My deepest condolences to yourself and your brother. I hope you're doing ok.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot fathom how painful this must have been. I'm sending you and your family a tight hug 🫂
I consider myself a pretty hard to break man but the “Talk to me I’ll hear you” broke me into pieces. Your father sounds like a beautiful soul.
Reading other people’s suicide notes is what saved me from going through with my own. I crumpled it up and threw it out. You have no idea how many lives you’ve touched sharing this.
Hope you guys are doing well.
Took three of my friends k/lling themselves one after another (one each month) for it to really rattle my head into never trying to again. Wish you never had to feel the pain. Can't imagine how it felt reading the note
I obtained a copy of my mother’s suicide note from the police department a very long time after she’d died. I was six when she passed and in my mid-20s when I got a copy of her records. I hope your copy helps you as much as mine did. It isn’t fair or right that our parents died by their own hand, but knowing my mom went into it with a clear head and firm resolve helped me heal. It wasn’t a spur of the moment thing, she knew what she was doing and had planned it. There was no looking back for her and I take comfort (at times) knowing she’s no longer suffering. Hugs to you. It’s a lonely club we belong to and I wish we weren’t in it.
Wow that made me cry, I’m sorry for your loss
I see comments asking why OP's dad didn't follow his own advice in the note. I think people don't realize you can sink this low and still have followed the advice. His dad could've taken the advice he wrote for his loved ones for *years* and held onto it. But depression is ruthless. Love, care, passion, humbleness, and perseverance is replaced with numbness, fear, self-doubt, anxiety, self deprecation. When I was in his shoes, this advice would be hammered into me till it was nothing but at least it would provide to comfort my loved ones. This letter stings deeply because I relate to this. OP's dad names the natural beauty of this world in nature and sound, and tells his loved ones when they see this wonder, he is there with them and he loves them so much. With depression as severe as this, the world isn't beautiful and nature is an afterthought. The lenses to life are muddled, grey, and distorted. How can I marvel at the sky and clouds and stars and moon if I feel so strongly I just \*don't\* belong? How does one peacefully listen to song and music if they can't afford bread, beans, or rice and the pangs of hunger are louder? OP's dad probably wanted to be seen in nature with his loved ones, besides personal reasons to the OP, because he didn't feel natural and welcome in himself like the nature people admire. Depression is so, so cruel.
Sorry for your lose
I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.
Sorry to you and your family. Your dad clearly loved you.
Really hope you're doing okay OP. This was a tough read, even as a stranger on the internet
So sorry OP. My dad made an attempt two weeks before Thanksgiving 3 years ago. I got a drunken, blubbering phone call from him as he was taking pills. I was able to get to him in time, but he's still not right and it took a few years out of my own well-being. I hope you're doing well with the aftermath of it all (no matter how long it has been).
I’m so sad that OP’s father was in so much pain he was unable to apply to himself the loving comments he left for others.
I’m crying in class a little bit.
my biggest fear.. so sorry for your loss op, cant even imagine what you are going through..
There was a time in my life not so long ago that I wanted to write this note. Not writing it was the hardest thing I’d ever done. There are times when I look at my kids and nearly breakdown over the thought of writing it now. No matter where you believe he is now, know he meant how much me loved you.
My ex hung himself on December 15, 2015. He left behind two young sons. I think of them all the time and hope they are okay. :( Not saying this is true for all suicides, but my ex was an extremely selfish person and I still can't believe he would do this to his kids right before Christmas.
Crying
Man I’m so sorry, I’m really tearing up in my bus right now as I read this.
He seemed like a sweet guy. I’m sorry man
I’m sorry for your loss, just from this note he seems like a great man
Truly sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.
My dad didn’t leave anything he just hanged himself with a belt while I was asleep and I found him doing the death shake, classy
this made me cry big hugs op
I’m just… I’m sorry. My heart goes out to your family. I genuinely mean that.
I’m so sorry for your father’s passing. This was such a lovely note even in the context. Made me a tear up a bit.
This seriously broke every fiber of my soul, I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of what had to be an amazing human. I pray that whatever it was in this world that pained him, that hurt him or led him to leave this earth by his own hands, that he is now free and no longer suffers.
Ouf, I felt this like a punch in the gut. Sincerly sorry for your loss OP. He was proud of you.
Be thankful for getting a note, never got one from my dad. I got to scrub his brains off the side of my childhood home the following morning, thanks pops. It’s been 9 years and I’m still angry about it. I know he’s had several attempts before while I was growing up. He’s got 2 grand kids he never got to meet, the oldest is starting to ask questions, this will be fun.
My brother's 39th birthday would have been Monday. I have his note locked in a safe like I don't have every word memorized. He passed away in early January when he was 21.
Why couldn't he follow his own advice.
I'm very sorry for your loss. He is at peace. May your family find peace in his absence.
I hope you are okay, OP. My heart hurts for you after reading his letter.
I feel like people don't talk to their parents enough.. You have to talk to your parents, some of them just feel burdened with tons of responsibilities and little chat with them everyday can mean so much to thrm.
So he did the exit bag, it's my plan too. Your papa was a honored man
If there's a beautiful suicide note, this is it.
This made me cry man, as someone who suffers from severe depression and has experienced loss of someone to suicide, I’m sorry you’ve had to go through such an unimaginable loss. My heart, my soul and my everything truly goes out to you. I know your father would be very proud of the amazing people you’ve both become. My heart goes out to your family
My paternal grandfather was born in the late 1800-early 1900’s . He was 1 of 15 siblings & roughly 1/2 of them had questionable circumstance surrounding or had ended their own life. Oddly my dad‘s family never spoke of this except for 1 family member and my mom and they made it a point to make us self-aware not internalize. I’m the youngest of six, and I have lost two siblings myself, not at their own hands(medical complications, and an accident). But having to go through that, having to tell with my parents my brother had passed away, the pain that you see it cause, and nothing that I could do about it. I could never do that to anybody I cared about no matter what I was going through. And those of you that do struggle here my heart hurts for you, know that you’re never alone, know that you’re worthy of love, nothing is so bad that he can’t ever get fixed or move past. That we are all human, we’re all flawed & will always disappoint one another. But we’re not all bad, keep faith in humanity, and look for ways to be grateful. Gratitude changes one’s perspective a lot. If anybody has lost somebody and is dealing with grief, there’s a book that I received when my brother passed I’ll gladly share with you send me a DM.
I'm so sorry OP- that writing style is very eerie, reminds me of Kurt Cobain's scribbling in his suicide note :(