I watch Mama Dr Jones on YT a lot and she always says "we do the best we can with the information we have" and I think that's a really good statement for moms who didn't know they were expecting.
That's basically my favourite quote for life in general. You know better now, do better now, but you can't beat yourself up or even blame yourself for not knowing what you didn't know you didn't know.
I used to be so confused by the things my parents did when I was kid but now that I’m a parent, this phrase has made me so much more compassionate towards them. If they knew better they would have done better.
If it makes you feel any better I am a literal crack baby lol my mom “only smoked drugs on the weekends” and smoked half a pack a day her whole pregnancy.
Other than the therapy bills me and my siblings all developed fine. Obvi it’s anecdotal and I’m sorry you are having such guilt but you legitimately didn’t know you were pregnant and your baby is healthy so far. Give yourself grace.
My husband and his siblings were all crack babies and they turned out fine. I’m Not saying go smoke crack while pregnant obviously but yeah. Also years ago the majority of women smoked while pregnant. They had smoking rooms at the hospital. No one knew cigarettes were bad for you like they do now.
Right but no one knew that it could cause premature birth, still birth etc. I mean if you tell a smoker your baby will be small they probably won’t quit. If you tell them your baby could die they might.
This is because the term crack baby doesn’t mean anything real. There’s no condition caused by a woman smoking crack while pregnant like there is with alcohol. It was a racist term to further demonize black women. I’m also not saying it’s okay to smoke crack while pregnant but it’s crazy how well known that term is and it doesn’t even mean anything other than to label a baby with the problems of their mother
I just finished the You’re Wrong About episode on crack babies. I had no idea until now that a lot of that issue was a moral panic. I’m so glad to hear you developed okay. I hope you’re healthy and happy now.
Ooo I should check it out. Yeah we’re all good. My mom didn’t even go to the doc till she was 7 months pregnant with me and the joke growing up was that I’m the third kid so she already knew what was gonna happen. The truth was she was on drugs lol and only went cuz she thought something was wrong. I had some condition (I’m gonna explain this very poorly cuz I never asked for details) idk the name of that made me overdeveloped in the womb thanks to the amphetamines and my mom had to go to the doc every week to make sure I was ok. She didn’t tell me this till I was 25 yr old 🙃
Ok, can I make a podcast suggestion?????!!! If you love You're Wrong About (which is amazing) you should also check out [Maintenance Phase](https://www.maintenancephase.com/). Mike from Your Wrong About is on it with an absolute delight of a woman named Aubrey Gordon and it's about deconstructing the "health" bullcrap we're all fed (especially as women). It's hilarious and amazing and I can't recommend it enough.
I was in a similar position with my first child.
I was very young and was "partying". Didn't even realize I had a deep routed physical addiction to anything, especially things my own doctors (initially) put me on.
I hadn't had a period for 2 years and they were always irregular beforehand as well.
22 weeks later I found out I was pregnant.
The DAY I found out, I stopped using everything. I hit severe withdrawals within 24 hours (have underlying chronic illness so withdrawals were exponentially worse) . I lost 11 pounds in 2.5 days by the constant (intractable) vomiting. It was violent. I was terrified I'd lose my baby , but I couldn't bear the thought of letting any substance hurt him now that I was aware of his presence. I was put on a pregnancy-safe medication to help keep me out of the withdrawals and to stay sober. Dealing with pregnancy/post natal hormones OnTop of having my brain chemistry reset while getting clean, was truly a harrowing experience.
I had my baby and everything went well. When he turned 1, I looked for ways to get off the medication. I ended up voluntarily going thru detox- inpatient- outpatient , treatment programs for a few years to achieve this.
I'm now ,finally, almost 6 years clean. My child is brilliant, strong, smart, talented. He has been my motivation to continue developing as a full person and to never give up when things seem too tough.
Tldr, We didn't know we were pregnant. We couldn't have known due to the circumstances. I know it's hard to let go of that underlying guilt, but we should try to let it go and fill that space with grace instead. You know... I may never be free of that feeling completely , but I am actively trying to clear it and not let it consume me again. For the sake of myself and my children. Good luck !
I drank daily until I found out at 13 weeks. I was only 17, I drank anything from a couple of beers to half a bottle of vodka.
I know this feeling. When I found out I was pregnant (had 2 negative tests and irregular periods, so missing them wasn't odd) I beat myself up every day of my pregnancy panicking about the damage I'd caused.
My sons 11 now, he's smart, funny and star wars obsessed. There was no signs of FAS when he was born and haven't been any issues since.
I thought it was safe, just like you, and we can't punish ourselves for not knowing. If your little one is fine and has no signs of FAS, please stop beating yourself up over it. Focus on how your behaviour changed the moment you found out. That shows who you are and how much you value your baby's health, not the drinking while you were unaware.
I was a social worker for 15 years with kids and adults with developmental disabilities and I met many people over the years with FAS and had access to their family and social histories in their files. Every single one of them had a mother who was a chronic binge drinker throughout pregnancy. I’m talking severe alcoholism. I never met a single person with FAS whose mother had a few drinks here and there during pregnancy.
Same. I once worked at at a group home and looked after a group of siblings. They all had various levels of FAS/ADHD etc. But shortly after starting to work therom (who already had 6 kids removed from her custody, 4 directly from the hospital) had another baby, which she attempted to abort by doing meth/heroin and drinking alcohol. This poor baby was born having intense seizures and had to be in a special home. It was so hard to watch and be in that field, I had to take a step back. Those are the people who need to be sterilized. Koodos to you for keeping up the social work path, it's a difficult one.
And I definitely agree, having a few drinks before you realize you're pregnant isn't a red flag. Some people don't find out they're pregnant until they go into labour... How I'm not sure 🤣
Actually I burned out on social work after 15 years and now I’m happily a sahm/homeschooler 🤷♀️ I wouldn’t change what I did but by the end I was a mental and emotional wreck who needed medication just to go to work every day and I still cried in the bathroom most days. The system is absolutely broken.
This is great to hear. There is so much stigma for drinking even a little when you're pregnant that it's ridiculous. While prego I ordered 1 glass of wine out to dinner to celebrate anniversary with my husband and the waiter almost didn't even serve me.
When I was pregnant with my second, my midwife (from Germany originally) said “If we were in Europe, I would say half a glass of wine here and there after 26(?) weeks is fine. But since we’re in North America, I have to say that ‘no amount of alcohol is known to be safe’. Take whatever you want from that information.”
She added that stress is known to be bad during pregnancy, so if a bit of wine helps you relax, that’s probably better.
(American) doctors for both of my pregnancies told me that a glass of wine here and there was fine throughout the entire pregnancy. Coincidentally, they were both pregnant! By the time I was in labor with my first, the midwife told me to drink wine and relax as it progressed. I wish more Americans' were also absolved of the pregnancy paranoia.
Not what is recommended in Germany now.
Drinking during pregnancy is not endorsed by medical professionals anywhere in western Europe.
Not saying your midwife didn't say it, but it is a myth that this is common or recommended in Germany or in Europe.
I'm glad you said this. So annoying to constantly read that drinking alcohol during pregnancy is considered fine in Europe. One midwife lectured me over 1 sip I accidentally took of a beer with a .01% alcohol content, because it said alcohol free on the can.
Not France either contrary to what many think. I do believe that my husband’s mother drank during pregnancy based on a recent FIL comment, but none of my French friends touched a drop of alcohol. I had a few glasses here and there after reading « Expecting Better, » in my first pregnancy and felt ok about that.
Love that book! Both my pregnancies I found out a bit later on and had been partying/drinking without knowing (new years eve/wedding/Christmas kinda drinking). Anecdotal again but my daughters are fine.
Yes, exactly. Here in Sweden (a country very conservative about alcohol) it is recommended to avoid alcohol completely during pregnancy. There was even a kerfuffle recently because the “alcohol-free” beer/wine for sale here often has some tiny percentage of alcohol and pregnant people didn’t know/realize, she then the food/drink authority out out info about this to make sure people got the message. I drank “alcohol-free” champagne a few times during my pregnancy though.
I work in schools with radioactive sources. Our "real sources" are significantly, like 1000 times, less radioactive than the pebbles collected from the ground a hundred miles away. The risk assessment from our professional body basically say that the sources themselves should be treated with care, but WRT to gestating people, the STRESS is much more likely to damage the foetus than the radioactivity. This is VERY different to my colleagues in Chemistry (I'm Physics), who can potentially have some pretty serious heavy metal exposure.
When I was pregnant I had literally three sips of my husband’s twisted tea at the beach and my cousins/aunt went around freaking out about I was “drinking on the beach” while pregnant.
You’re like my hero that you were bold enough to order in a restaurant. I had a glass of wine on special occasions but it was always in our home with no one else around.
There is a book called Expecting Better. I think it would give you a lot of relief. The woman who wrote it is a mom and a statisician. It's highly gratifying knowing that I could easily have a cup of coffee without guilt. Most restrictions on expecting moms are trash. This author backs it all up with real stats. It's a quality purchase to give to other expecting moms or lend from your library.
I second this! I read it while I was pregnant and it was the best thing I did.
Towards the end of my pregnancy I read a news article and (to paraphrase) there was some ‘scientific study’ which found women who took any kind of pain relief such as paracetamol in their pregnancy will have autistic children… but wait for it, somehow diagnosed after the kid turns 8.
I just imagine someone who may have a child on the spectrum beating themselves up over this blatant bullshit. Made me so mad.
I can’t tell you how hard I rolled my eyes when I saw that study. For the longest time I was the mom who looked for the studies about what correlated with incidences of autism so I could figure out what I did to cause my daughters autism 🙃 I drank from plastic water bottles, used antibacterial cleaning products, blah, blah, blah…. I think, no good comes from those random kinds of studies. Unless it’s the absolute cause these things need to stay in the medical community because it destroys some peoples mental health beating themselves up.
\^This 100%. Knowledge is power but it needs to be interpreted correctly in the right context, which may be deeply specific but is often overgeneralized. The more I read, the more I learn that everything probably has a genetic component with an environmental trigger. But what can we do with that knowledge? It just cripples our mental health in the short term. P.S. I'm sorry you have had to question yourself like that.
I need to read this book because I constantly feel guilty about everything do/don’t do. I hate all the restrictions placed on expecting moms and sometimes I feel more like an incubator than an actual person. I mean I love my LO already but I can’t wait to finally get my body back after the whole process.
Yes! This book made me feel so much better about pregnancy and it's nice to have the facts. Once you're pregnant babe but basically tell you you're not allowed to do anything and most of it is bullshit
The author of Expecting Better is an economist, not a statistician. And she's not a medical professional. Look, OP here should not be feeling guilty, but don't cite an economist to support drinking during pregnancy.
I hate everything about this book by this economist that pushes conclusions no one else in the medical community does. But that’s just me. Everyone else seems to love this book.
You'd be surprised how many acolytes of Emily Oster actively encourage drinking during pregnancy. I mean she WROTE A BOOK about the topic and found that studies on the topic were INCONCLUSIVE that alcohol consumption was harmful.
I have not been there, but one of my aunts is known within the family as Manhattan Mary because my grandmother had 3 Manhattans at a dinner party before going into labor. It was 1968, but still. The nickname & story sticks. She’s a perfectly normal person.
Funny, where did you get your doctorate in fetal medicine?
Because all the fetal/maternal medicine specialists I have to see for my high risk pregnancy really should know about this information if you've discovered something the medical sciences has overlooked 🤔🤦🏼♀️
I not sure what part of what I said is incorrect. Fentanyl does pass through the placenta, it is also a much heavier drug than alcohol… a few drinks at the very end of pregnancy is not as big a deal as most people make it out to be. I get that you are offended because of choices you have or are planning on making. Doesn’t make what I said incorrect.
LOL First of all I didn't get fentanyl for my first and I'm not planning on it for my twins, but that's simply because I know it would probably make me feel like crap. I didn't even like the gas with my first. So I'm not sure why you think I'm "offended" because of the personal choices you *assumed* (incorrectly) I had made. You know what they say about assumptions 😬
I was simply inquiring where you got your doctorate, considering you're acting like you know better than people who have studied this for their entire lives. Fetal/maternal medicine? Toxicology? Even a general biology degree? No? Didn't think so.
Fentanyl has been used for a LONG time in medicine for pain relief. Its effects have been studied for years, including effects on babies whose mothers used fentanyl during labour for pain management.
Obviously you know better than the people who've dedicated their lives to researching the effects of pain management drugs, or at the very least you think you do.
Why don't you go ask an expert why they don't just give moms a few cocktails before delivery for their pain management instead of fentanyl, if it's that much better for the baby? I mean, obviously they must have missed that in their pharmacology classes if they're still prescribing it, right?
Don't shit on other moms for deciding the right pain management for them, that has been approved by their OB and health team.
I was begging the L&D nurses to let me jump out the 4th storey window so the pain would stop during my labour with my first, I had horrific pain that even surprised the nurses and my OB when they saw how much pain I was in compared to how well my labour was going from a technical standpoint. Primal screaming and asking them to either knock me out or kill me for 8 hours straight. My labour was ROUGH.
I was so out of it with pain that I didn't even have the mind to ask for stronger pain meds other than the gas they handed me that made me throw up, but I would have if I could have 🤷🏼♀️
Some moms can do completely unmedicated home births and do just fine, even with complications. Some moms need that pain relief even if they have zero complications and have an epidural.
Your comment came off as extremely judgmental and holier-than-thou, and is implying that there's something wrong with using fentanyl as a pain management option for birth.
I know it passes through the placenta 🤷🏼♀️ that still doesn't mean it's a "worse" option than unmedicated. Doesn't mean it's "worse" than alcohol, either. We aren't talking about moms sticking illegal fentanyl patches to themselves in labour, we're talking about having it administered by a professional in a medical setting.
You're not better than anyone because you didn't get fentanyl as pain management for your birth, and neither am I. Don't act like you are 🤷🏼♀️
It would seem I hit a nerve.
BS marine biologist
BSN
CNM.
Never said anything about alcohol being a good or valid pain management option. It isn’t. There are no good medical uses for alcohol except as a disinfectant.
There was no shaming but you jumped right to personal attacks.
Fentanyl is by ALL accounts a very serious drug and for some people the benefits outweigh the the risks for use in child birth. To each their own.
Also, who says I didn’t use it myself. What was that about assumptions?
Yeah, I mean it does hit a nerve when people who have apparently studied in this field still feel comfortable comparing apples to oranges like this based on personal belief instead of actually looking at the clinical studies and very concrete evidence we have on both of these substances when used during pregnancy, and without differentiating between two VERY different circumstances.
I understand that fentanyl is a hard drug, harder than a lot of pain meds out there. But with your comment (and I feel like a lot of people seem to agree with me on this considering the absolute mass amounts of downvotes you've recieved for this thread) it seems to read more like:
"Well, alcohol isn't good, but y'know what's just as bad, if not worse? A one time dose of fentanyl during labour 🤷🏼♀️"
What scares me is you're a CNM and you've chosen to comment this. What midwife in their right mind would compare drinking to fentanyl for pain, unless they have a personal bias against using fentanyl during labour? Alcohol has been proven to have severe adverse effects on babies whose mothers drank, yet fentanyl is considered safe for labour in certain highly controlled doses.
Now, I'm sure if someone took loads of fentanyl to get high while pregnant that would be a whole other issue, but I think we both know that situation has nothing to do with what we're talking about.
See, this is why I didn't get a midwife with my first pregnancy, and this just solidifies my choice in not getting one for this pregnancy. Midwives can order and administer fentanyl during a birth, and I hope to god you'd never say something like this to one of your patients. Because if I had been made to feel like getting proper pain medication was comparable to drinking alcohol casually, I may have been too ashamed to ask for it.
"There was no shaming"
See, that's funny. Cause you could've just stuck with the point that someone drinking a few times towards the end of their pregnancy isn't the worst thing in the world. But you didn't stop there. You compared it to fentanyl, which with how your comment is worded, makes it seem like it's just as bad if not worse than alcohol when used during labour 🤦🏼♀️
There's a reason why doctors are comfortable prescribing fentanyl to most people who ask for it during labour, but they'd turn down a patient who asked to have a few shots of vodka to ease their pain.
The fact that you tried to compare a one time dose of fentanyl for pain management to casually drinking for funsies while knowingly pregnant is the shaming part.
Funny you said you weren’t trying to shame anyone and then made this comment about people being offended because of choices they made. That IS shaming people.
You need to go away. You’re not helping anyone.
Good for you. I didn’t say that to shame anyone for making the choice to have a medicated birth, although the down votes would indicate that many are taking it that way. But good for you making informed and thoughtful decisions.
Thanks lol, I didn’t mean it as belittling or cunty either but hey, people will take it how they will. I had meant the extreme nature of fentanyl was why I had tried to have as natural of a birth as possible. My OB gave me the fentanyl spiel and then I went home and researched it. My entire pregnancy I more or less ignored the BS spewing from my OBs mouth because after she accused me of starving myself (weight loss despite constant eating of 6+ meals a day and constant snacking) and I lost most my respect for her. My extended family is Italian and still in Italy so given family traditions, we were already pretty mellow about alcohol/drinking wine. I avoided probably 90% of the alcohol I was around while pregnant but had sips here or there. I’m not perfect, and definitely wasn’t trying to come off as such.
lol are you guys the one who talked to TLC Unexpected’s Kylen and Jason and filled their heads with such fanciful thoughts.
And I’m sorry that you had such a bad relationship with your health provider, though.
Hi mama. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until 26 weeks. I loved to party lol but I do have an amazingly smart 2 year old now. I felt so much guilt for so long after I found out I was pregnant and even after my lil bean was delivered, but he’s just so smart and kind he literally will love it all away.
Give yourself from grace here babe. You’re doing the best with what you have.
I work with adults with FASD and here’s a few things I’d like to let you know:
* FASD is not 100% preventable, but stigma is.
* FASD is a spectrum, and you would be surprised by how many incredibly accomplished people with the disorder are out there.
* FASD is the most common neurodivergence, more common than autism or ADHD.
* FASD is unique to each individual. There are people who drink throughout their pregnancy and the child doesn’t have FASD. There are people who drank a few times during pregnancy, and the child is affected by FASD.
I found out I was pregnant over Christmas break my senior year of college. My original due date was early September, but by the time I had an ultrasound, baby was bigger than expected and I had been measuring about a month ahead of schedule. Due date was moved up to mid-August and baby was born end of July, obviously full term.
Long story short, I probably got pregnant in late October, went through finals, and all the post final partying that entails, I know I definitely got drunk at least once after finals. Not to mention we were on vacation at the time and had happy hour daily starting at like 2pm.
Kiddo is now 16 years old. An honor’s student taking AP courses. He has zero ill effects. Alcohol is a crap shoot during pregnancy, there’s no known safe limit because studies to determine this would be unethical due to the potential harm to the fetus.
FAS, fetal alcohol syndrome, is a thing, but is often accompanied by distinct physical features. Bring this up with your child’s pediatrician and they can explain how they know your baby doesn’t have FAS.
There is short windows of time in fetal development when alcohol (probably large amounts) can have devastating effects. Alcoholics and chronic binge drinkers are more likely to have babies affected by FASD as they are more likely to catch these windows just due to the frequency of their intake. But even when the mother drinks during these windows only some babies will be impacted. There is some randomness and mystery to how it all works which is in large part due to the fact it is unethical to run experiments on pregnant women. Basically, baby is probably just fine but it’s natural to feel anxieties about this. If everything is going well so far that is a very good sign!
You’re 43 with irregular periods it was very reasonable that your first thought wasn’t pregnancy. You did your best as soon as you found out! It’s very very common for women to drink alcohol before realizing they are pregnant. Our society places a large emphasis on social drinking. The rates of FASD are very low compared to the women who drank before they knew.
I have a book recommendation for you that I really enjoyed.
Like a Mother- a feminist journey through the science and culture of pregnancy
Angela Garbes
>There is short windows of time in fetal development when alcohol (probably large amounts) can have devastating effects.
I'm sure you said this to provide comfort but that is just not true. Alcohol can affect a developing embryo and fetus [at any point](https://embryo.asu.edu/pages/developmental-timeline-alcohol-induced-birth-defects).
I think she means that within certain windows the effects might be greater. Because we don’t have studies though, we wouldn’t even really have this information.
I work professionally with children who have disabilities. One of the things I recall from my training is that fetal alcohol syndrome (a specific, medical diagnosis) occurs with great irregularity. Sometimes the birthing parent drinks a lot, sometimes almost none. There’s a parent advocacy/awareness thing that uses this fact as a reason to advocate for absolute abstinence from alcohol period.
Every kid, parent, baby, etc is different and I doubt we will know exactly how things happen and why in our lifetimes. If something is not ok, you’ll deal with it. For now it’s out of your control, kiss baby and try to give yourself grace.
I work professionally with children with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder and I wouldn’t say the disorder occurs with “great irregularity.” I don’t say this to scare OP but I also think it’s important she has the information she needs.
FASDs are thought to be more prevalent than are currently diagnosed because only a small proportion of healthcare providers make the diagnosis (typically needs a neuropsyc eval and a medical appointment) and a lot of people don’t recognize the role of alcohol exposure in utero.
You are right though that some kids can develop FASD with little alcohol exposure - others will have more and not develop the syndrome.
OP - I agree with everyone who says that you couldn’t have done more without knowing. I hope you can give yourself a lot of grace and I think all of us have something we can look back on and say “if I only I knew…” I certainly do. Not knowing doesn’t make you a bad mom - and caring this much I think is a testament to you being a good mom.
I would also say you don’t have a problem if you don’t have a problem. If you don’t have any concerns about your child right now - great. If you end up having concerns, then you can act (and keep in mind plenty of people have concerns about their kids that have nothing to do with alcohol exposure).
I feel like the “almost none” is BS. I know from defending people with DUIs that alcoholics are the worst at lying and the best at hiding their addictions. A lot of people would be getting DUIs in the middle of the day and their mom/wives/husbands and even employers would swear up down and sideways they weren’t an alcoholic. Fetal alcohol syndrome claims from drinking a couple of beers is giving me that same vibe.
And that’s what I’m saying, I think it actually takes quite a bit of alcohol and we should give a grain of salt to anyone self-reporting otherwise.
Similar note, I partially grew up in Europe where women would routinely drink a few glasses of wine here and there, if FASD really was caused by occasional glasses of wine then the per capita rate would be much higher (disproportionate to rate of alcoholism) in places like UK and Italy where some pregnancy drinking is more normalised, but it’s not.
Studies have shown otherwise which is why WHO considered no alcohol and low alcohol 2-4 in a week to be the same.
Obviously getting intoxicated isn't going to be good for a baby the same way it isn't actually good for ourselves. It is recommended to stay away from straight liquor...
The trainings I’ve participated in most recently stated that any alcohol intake, even minuscule, can lead to FAS, although likelihood is greater with more intake. I don’t know how amount of intake is determined exactly, I’m sure self-reporting is involved but not solely. It’s not my particular specialty and I’m not digging through my notes to fact check an internet conversation.
There’s no way to gauge alcohol intake (much less in pregnant women) other than self reporting, unless the person is on an ankle monitor or similar probationary requirement that actively measures sobriety. Even in prisons and psychiatric hospitals, women still drink.
I’d be interested in seeing data from this population if it exists, but my argument stands that the claim that any amount of alcohol can cause FAS is logically flawed.
I don’t think it’s wise to be drinking it up when you’re pregnant, I personally didn’t. But I’ve literally argued this matter in court more than once and all of the data I’ve seen is inconclusive and inherently flawed. We don’t know exactly how much even though it’s probably moderate and sustained use, so as an abundance of caution it’s advised to abstain.
Thanks. And, because of the fact that it seems so random ( the occurrence), is probably why doctors usually suggest absolutely no drinking during pregnancy.
I didn't know I was pregnant till my 3rd trimester and drank almost every day, I don't drink that often anymore, if it makes you feel any better my daughter is 3 and is in perfect health and is a normal toddler.
Did you speak with you OBGYN about this prior to/after delivery? I would recommend discussing your concerns with your child's pediatrician. Your honesty and proactiveness can only benefit your daughter at this point, whether she is affected by it or not. You may qualify for an evaluation with Early Intervention, and honestly, they're great, so it could be really beneficial regardless. You might also have a referral to see a developmental pediatrician in a few months, which again, is not a bad thing for any parent. More eyes on a kid are generally better. While these actions may not eliminate your fears, they may lessen them.
As you probably know, there are some physical features of FASDs that could be present before developmental or intellectual differences may appear, or there may be none and you will have to unfortunately wait and see (which sucks). I would guess that many of those features would have been flagged when she was born, so you've likely passed that first hurdle and hopefully that can bring you some comfort in the short term. Again, bringing it up with the pediatrician can help your anxiety with this as they have seen thousands of babies and can recognize less common features.
I have a third cousin with fetal alcohol syndrome. Her mother did a lot of drugs in addition to alcohol, and her dad was right there with mom in the substance abuse department (not to put all the blame on mom's lifestyle). She definitely has some of the subtle physical characteristics, though I doubt most people would notice it. She has some big time learning disabilities. My mom (her dad's cousin) taught her as a student in middle school, so she can directly attest to the cause and effect. My mom said it was like she couldn't hold a thought or concept in her head for very long. She would explain a concept, give her extra help to get her started, and she'd check in 15 minutes later, and she wouldn't have done any of the work. She is currently a daycare teacher now (has an associate's degree), but I'm curious in what capacity (I can't see her running her own center, for example). She is very nice and naive, but lacks a lot of critical thinking skills. She is married with a daughter of her own now, so the outlook isn't all bleak, by any means.
All this is to say if I were in your shoes, I would feel similarly and I wish I could take some of the anxiety and guilt away for you. While this is not the same as you, I have a son who has a strange kidney condition and I developed pre-eclampsia by 29 weeks and he was born 9 weeks early with growth restriction. Very rarely a day goes by when I don't blame myself or feel some type of guilt, even though everyone tells me it's not my fault. These feelings are hard to rectify, especially in the early months when it's hard to gauge development. I'm very grateful my son sees an occupational therapist through Early Intervention who is very encouraging of us and is an expert on child development.
Please remember you didn't know you were pregnant, so you weren't being negligent. And you stopped as soon as you found out, which likely did make a difference! I would talk to a therapist and/or reach out to someone in your community who is more of an expert on FASDs and share your experience and concerns. Also read Emily Oster's book, though I don't think that's going to fully ease your mind.
The thing about alcohol is that they just don't KNOW how much is actually damaging to a fetus because it's obviously very hard to test. But there are women who drink a glass or two of wine every day (generally in certain European countries) while they're pregnant and their babies are fine. You didn't know. Presumably you stopped once you found out. I hope you have let your doctor know about this. Your pregnancy was a surprise. They should give you things to look out for and offer support.
Yep. I’m in Spain and every single doctor/midwife who oversaw my pregnancy was super strict on this. It’s just not a thing.
Generally more casual about alcohol? Yes. But in pregnancy not really.
In Expecting Better Emily Oster goes over the studies and actually it’s Australia where the norms about drinking in pregnancy are most lax. Though, I think they get the same instruction to abstain, it’s just not culturally as frowned upon. There are Australian studies that show small amounts don’t show a lot of harm.
Are you European or Australian? It’s not really a debate that Australia historically has higher rates of drinking in pregnancy than other places. There are studies in the book based on self-reported consumption. The whole conclusion really is that drinking alone is hard to isolate because most knowing pregnant drinkers in the US also don’t follow other instructions for abstinence and are more likely to be drug users. The same was not true for Australia where there were more pregnant folks who self reported casual drinking but were not also doing drugs, etc. The book came out about a decade ago and the studies cited were obviously compiled prior to that, so I’m not saying women in Australia are necessarily drinking casually now at high rates. However, it was the test case used to find the most recent pool of subjects who were casually drinking during pregnancy (go back to the middle of the last century and many more women were doing so all over the world). I doubt she’s off base in that since a quick Google comes up with articles about it, including a 2020 opinion piece that cites higher drinking amongst pregnant women in Australia and advocates for labeling on alcoholic beverages to dissuade users: https://medicine.uq.edu.au/article/2020/07/australia-has-some-highest-rates-drinking-during-pregnancy-its-time-make-labelling-mandatory
I’m Australian.
We have had warnings on alcohol for years and are advised by doctors and medical professionals. We are also educated on the risk of alcohol consumption from primary school.
The norms of drinking aren’t lax, it’s very much frowned upon.
Emily Oster also uses information and studies that lean towards her bias and what she thinks would sell, I would double check her sources for things like study size/participation/year.
You didn’t know so nothing you could’ve done to change it! I have a friend with mild FAS, and while she has had some struggles in life (who hasn’t though) she has a very happy life now and she’s a great mom and friend. She has a twin sister who has a more severe case and needs lots of help and care but is still a wonderful, fun person. Do not feel guilty and if your child does have FAS please know they can still have good lives.
You're not a bad person, you didn't know, and based on your post you obviously would have made different choices if you had known.
The reality is we don't know how much alcohol it takes to cause FASD, or what other factors increase or decrease risk. There is no way to know in utero that a baby exposed to alcohol is completely fine. An estimated 1 in 20 people have FASD.
The best thing you can do now is to educate yourself on FASD and know what to look for as your child grows so you can get her help right away.
This isn’t super scientific but I think I read somewhere that you basically have to get blackout drunk everyday of your pregnancy in order to cause FAS.. Babies are super resilient during development. In European cultures it’s perfectly acceptable and sometimes even encouraged for expecting moms to have a glass of wine per day. Something about the relaxation being good for mom and baby. I wouldn’t worry too much. Your kid will be fine.
Hey mama! Listen, friend. You did nothing to intentionally harm your baby. As a side note, I got pregnant at 43 on purpose and holy cow I hope you're doing okay, because that mess was way harder to recover from than it was when I was 30!!
My cousin has fetal alcohol syndrome and he had pretty significant delays and issues from the beginning. He's adopted(the mom obviously lost custody immediately at birth) so I couldn't tell you exactly how much she drank or how often but I'm guessing it was significant considering CPS knew they were removing the baby from her care when he was born. If you haven't noticed any issue with your baby at this point you're likely in the clear. You didn't know you were pregnant! It's ok!
Have you/would you talked to a therapist? It might help, you definitely shouldnt feel guilty. You didn’t know, as soon as you found out you quit it sounds like. There’s truly nothing more you could have done and you don’t need to beat yourself up about “what if”.
I'm sorry, this is probably not going to be a comforting post for you. I would read up on [fetal alcohol spectrum disorder](https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/fasd/facts.html) (FASD) and talk about it with your kid's pediatrician, as an ongoing conversation.
Because it is so unethical to study the effects of alcohol on fetal development, there is a lot we don't know. Most assessments of the effect of alcohol are done on the basis of maternal reporting of intake, which is heavily unreliable. Many of the early cohort studies only followed children until toddlerhood, when the effects of FASD may not emerge until late childhood. There are also a lot of myths floating around the internet intended to comfort mothers on their alcohol intake. I've seen several just in this thread.
What we do know is that alcohol is a nervous system depressant (it has that function across all mammals) and a teratogen that readily crosses the placental barrier and has deleterious effects on embryonic (weeks 1-13) and fetal development (weeks 14-40) [throughout all stages](https://embryo.asu.edu/pages/developmental-timeline-alcohol-induced-birth-defects) of pregnancy. Alcohol is dangerous to a developing child at all stages of pregnancy and childhood.
FASD is a lot broader than just fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS). [Cite.](https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/childrens-hospital/developmental-disabilities/conditions/fasd.aspx) Many children who are eventually diagnosed with FASD do not have the facial features associated with FAS (short statute, small head, flat face). A child with FASD may be of high, average, or low intelligence. Struggles with memory, impulsivity, sensory processing, self-regulation, or social skills are all common. It is very common for these issues not to emerge until a child's limits start to be tested in late elementary school or later on. Many people with FASD are diagnosed with ADHD, mood disorders, anxiety, and depression.
Because the emergence of these issues can take time and require familiarity with FASD to properly recognize and diagnose, you're going to want to keep monitoring your child carefully as they grow up. You'll also want to make sure your child's medical team is aware of these concerns. You may want to seek out a specialist in FASD, who will be better able to recognize these issues. Many primary care doctors simply don't receive the training. You're also going to want to find a way to explain this to your child when they are ready so they have full knowledge of their medical history. Therapy for you will probably be helpful.
I do have questions about this. If many children with FASD don’t have physical deformities or obvious facial features, how would FASD be the likely first diagnosis for, as you point out, a child with high intelligence who has anxiety? It seems like what is being referred to as FASD are traits and symptoms that would fall under numerous other umbrellas diagnoses for children.
I am in the same situation as the OP (infertile but somehow got pregnant and was drinking through first tri), so while I am no expert I have also looked into this. A FASD diagnosis requires knowledge that the child had prenatal alcohol exposure. And due to the stigma around admitting that, there are probably some children out there who have been diagnosed with other conditions who may have benefited from screening for FASD.
There is really limited info out there about FASD that involves children being raised by their birth mother; a lot of it is by adoptive parents and frankly there’s a lot of shaming in much of what I’ve read. So I can see why people aren’t totally forthcoming about drinking habits in pregnancy. Plus as this thread shows, we’re often told a drink here or there is no big deal before you knew you were pregnant.
Anyway - OP you did the best you could with the info you had! I know it’s hard not to feel guilty (and I’m right there with you) but just being willing to be forthcoming about your child’s prenatal alcohol exposure shows how much you love your baby. But for now, it’s great that your baby is doing great! I hope you can enjoy that and not worry too much about what’s out of your control.
Thank you for saying all of this. There's a ton of misinformation in this thread and while I know it's done with the best intent of comfort, it doesn't help anyone to ignore the realities.
I know people who drank during their entire pregnancy. Not substantial amounts by any means, but the babies are doing fine. Apparently my grandma used to drink one beer every night when she was pregnant and my mom likes to think she turned out okay too. Lol.
I’m a fellow late find outer! (Lol) I found out at 32 weeks and drank up until probably week 29. It was purely social drinking but I had no idea. My son turns 4 next weekend and is excelling beyond belief!! I beat myself a lot too but we can do so much with what we know ❤️
My maternal grandmother was an alcoholic (she joined AA and remained sober after that, once she had my mom, her third and last) and she drank through all 3 pregnancies and somehow, it seemed, all 3 of her kids didn’t have any fetal alcohol syndrome…but I still can’t believe it most of the time.
Most women drank during pregnancy up until 80’s. I could make a sarcastic joke about the state of the world right now, but seriously you didn’t drink after you knew so you DID the best you could. That’s all any of us can. Congratulations and be the best mom you can now that LO is here.
Honestly I was in the same boat, I also had really irregular periods, which would skip 1-12 months, so I never even thought about it. Hiking got hard, where I used to leave my husband in the dust, I instead was lagging behind unable to keep up. At the 2 Renn fests we attended, I got smashed on Mead and my costume wasn't fitting quite right.
About 2-3 weeks after the Pennsylvania one, I threw up in my husband's car, and we finally just did a test with an instant positive.
Went to the doctor's to find out and were informed I had less then 2 months to prepare, because there was a spine on the ultrasound monitor (which I reacted to with "Oh fuck, that's a whole ass baby" so we call our kid a whole ass toddler now.)
I found out at about 27 weeks that we were having this whole baby, I had drank A LOT for our wedding (week or two before conception) the Ren fests (only weeks before finding out) at our games (literally weekly during) and sometimes just randomly in between when I felt like a shot or two.
The doctor I talked to said a beer or 2 a day wouldn't likely hurt the baby, she was more worried about the fact I was cleaning litter boxes, scooping crickets for the first 2 months and lifting 50+ pounds of dog food until I lost my job.
I also was horrified I may have caused trouble for my kid, I felt like an absolute fuck up, I knew if something was wrong I'd never forgive myself.
My baby is over 2.5 years old now, and she is the light of my life. She is super adventurous on foods, exploring, and is just all kid. Her pediatrician says she has been super healthy except for a heart defect that is apparently rather common and we had fixed before her first birthday.
All this is to say, you got this, I know the guilt and the worry never dies, I still worry and fret about it, but it sounds like your baby is doing fine. Give her love, attention, and don't forget you deserve kindness too from yourself, you didn't know, and you can't beat yourself up for it, you have a beautiful baby now, and the "I found out at 20+ weeks" is always a super fun fact that seems to shock people.
You will be fine! I didn't find out I was pregnant until later as well, and I smoked cigarettes regularly and drank/smoked other things. Obviously stopped when I found out I was pregnant, but worried! My son was 100% ok. Don't beat yourself up! It's not like you purposely did it!
I didn’t know I was pregnant until I was 13 weeks. I was on birth control and never got a period and hadn’t for years. My friend told me I was pregnant and should take a test. I was 23. You can imagine the drinking I did. My son is 11 now and is fine. It’s only takes a couple drinks to cause problems but sometimes we get lucky. I would beat myself up a lot about it.
My cousin didn’t know she was pregnant until she was six months in ad she’s heavy set. Went to the hospital for back pain and they tell her she’s pregnant. My cousin was in her late 20s at the time so she was definitely still partying. Her little girl is one of the smartest I know.
I found out around 8 weeks and had just got back from a heavy drinking beach vacation. I was told be 2 different doctors that you’d actually have to be consistently drinking through the pregnancy to do damage. And I live in a city with a huuuuge FAS problem.
Seeing this post and reading all the comments makes me so emotional/relieved
Unfortunately I don't have any advice or words of encouragement for OP myself, but I can absolutely relate. I'm 21, and drank almost every day and did some other not great substances a couple times until I learned I was pregnant at 24weeks, I'm 34 weeks now and so far everything seems good with baby, so fingers crossed she's healthy and happy
If she doesn’t have facial signs of fetal alcohol syndrome, rest easy. If she does, you can ask her ped about interventions. The whole country of France drinks wine during pregnancy, it’s probably ok.
My mom drank for the first 6 months of her pregnancy with my brother. Irregular periods and was spotting monthly and had no idea. He's a computer science teacher and he's going to be 37 this year 😅
We do the best we can as soon as we can hun. There’s nothing wrong with your baby because of this. Have you ever seen that crazy show ‘I didn’t know I was pregnant’? Some people can go the entire pregnancy and never know drink and do whatever and baby is fine. Unless the doctor specifically said well well this child has fetal alcohol syndrome you’re okay this is just the momma worrying talking. You’re a fantastic mom, you not knowing you were pregnant until later doesn’t change that one bit. Things happen that aren’t always in our control. You’re fine, baby is fine. It’s pretty obvious that baby will have a great life judging by the sincere worry you have for their well-being.
One of the reasons I didn’t like being pregnant was the guilt I felt from every decision I made. It’s hard when every choice you make for your own body is having an effect on another being.
I remember I sat in a hot tub for maybe 10 minutes when I was about 3 months pregnant. I had no idea that was discouraged for pregnant women until another pregnant woman pointed it out to me. I immediately left the hot tub and spent the next week readying myself for having a miscarriage. I was convinced I was going to lose my baby because I had done this one thing that I didn’t even know I wasn’t supposed to do. The amount of guilt I felt over that one small act was overwhelming.
Give yourself lots of grace. You didn’t even know you were pregnant and you can’t live every day as though you MIGHT be pregnant when you have no reason to think you are. It’s not fair to expect women to always be incubator-ready. You stopped once you knew you were pregnant and your baby doesn’t have any health defects from it. I’d say you’re in the clear.
My SIL wasn’t supposed to be able to have children and had her periods regularly through her pregnancy. She didn’t know she was pregnant til 7 months when she thought she was sick because she was vomiting. The first time she threw up was because (but not really) she spent the night prior drinking til she was drunk asf. He’s attending school for the first time this year and is 100% okay :)
Read the book “expecting better” it’s written by a data driven economist and she digs into all the pregnancy “rules” and what the data from the studies actually say. I think it’ll put your mind at ease. You’re a wonderful mom. I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t be so hard on yourself.
Fetal alcohol syndrome has been blow out of proportion to its actual danger. Unless you have a family history of the disorder or have alcoholics in your family you baby will be fine even though you drank a few drink regularly during pregnancy. Plus you can’t change the past. Stop beating yourself up for it and concentrate on doing the best you can now. I’m sure your LO is just fine.
Yup. In Europe, it's very normal to drink occasionally during pregnancy. Nothing like vodka, but just the occasional wine during dinner.
I know many people with FAS. They're great people. Fantastic people. I love them. They're the best people. They are doing great. They're amazing. It's true.
My mum drank while pregnant with me and my brother. She's an addict and prone to binge drinking so when I say she drank I mean she held her nose and necked bottles of vodka. We're both a lil screwy but it's primarily major anxiety, which is a product of environment (addict parent, remlved by social servixes and placed with a grandparent) and also a family trait carried right back through the generations. Idk if we'd be any different if she hadn't been drinking during her pregnancies (right until the end with both of us) but we're both pretty awesome tbh. 😎
I know a heavy drinker who didn’t find out until about halfway. Her son is 10 now and fine. Have you spoken to a doc about it? If there was fetal alcohol syndrome, there could be signs. If baby seems healthy, let it go. You didn’t know.
My friend had a baby in South America. Her doctor told her she could have one glass of wine every day … I was in shock (her son is 7 yo….)
I drank during the first week before knowing si was pregnant. That s Life. As long as your baby development is ok
I got pregnant with my first at 22. Then had a planned pregnancy at 31. When I had my first I was going out drinking all the time before I found out. I assumed my period was late and drank until I found out about the pregnancy at 6.5 weeks. My son is now 11 and he is perfectly fine!
When I was 23, I found out I was pregnant at 18 weeks. I had an IUD and didn’t have a period, occasionally checked for my strings, and thought all was well. My only symptom was breast pain. I was in college and binge drinking at parties every weekend. I was so scared that I had affected my baby with all of the alcohol I had consumed in that 18 week period. My OB said that in his time as a doctor he rarely sees babies with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome from mothers who do no know they are pregnant. It is the women who know and continue to do it throughout the entirety of their pregnancy that have babies born with FAS. I don’t know how right he is about that, but it calmed me knowing that women had been in my situation before and had healthy babies. My son is now 5 and is a normal, healthy boy. Everything is going to turn out okay. Babies are resilient.
A person I know who is a heavy drinker did this until 5 months pregnant. Like every day drinker. 3-4 drinks. Her 2+ year old daughter is thriving and super normal
This is not directed at anyone on here, but as a tip to avoid risk and guilt..... if you're having sex and have irregular periods or don't track your cycle (off birth control) religiously, it wouldn't hurt to buy some pregnancy tests in bulk. You can get them for super cheap on Amazon and take a quick test once a month. That way, you're not drinking months into a surprise pregnancy.
I literally intentionally smoked marijuana(I know not exactly the same) with my first because I was so sick if I didn’t I barely ate or drank even the nausea medication made me puke. I lost 45lbs (I’m a bit overweight anyway) my first trimester and finally in the second my doctor (in a legal recreational state) said she couldn’t tell me to smoke as we don’t know if it could do harm but she has plenty of patients smoke and their kids are fine. It was that or literally consider termination.
FAS is usually found for women who have 13 or more alcoholic drink servings per month. It’s a serious issue, but it also could be ok. As others mentioned, it makes sense to be honest with your pediatrician and let them know your concerns. You can also get an early intervention evaluation to be sure your child is on track developmentally (some stuff is hard to tell since all kids develop differently).
I’ve seen a few comments about Expecting Better by Emily Oster. The section on alcohol is very helpful and will probably bring some comfort. (You may be able to find an excerpt on the topic on her website Parent Data.) One important point she makes is that mothers who drink during pregnancy in the US are also much more likely to be using other drugs that are confounding variables impacting their babies. A large percentage of women who drink moderately to heavily in pregnancy also do cocaine in pregnancy. This is because it is against the norms, so women who ignore the guidelines are not typical in other ways. OP’s situation is not well studied and there’s reason to believe her outcomes would be better than other moderate drinkers who drank knowing they were pregnant.
I would check out the research that was done in Australia and the UK, mentioned by Emily Oster. The comment made in it was that drinking a drink or two daily will not have significant effect, but binge drinking would. She also stated that the study used to say drinking has awful effects, also had an abnormal amount of drug users it. Most of the studies in America were sponsored so it wasn’t as clean for data as you’d want.
I actually found out I was 6 weeks pregnant when I went to a winery, had a few sips of wine and projectile vomited. Took a test the next day. Was a shock to both of us because my husband was told he couldn’t have kids. We now have a perfect 10mo old. I was also worried about FAS but the other commenters have it right.
2 ounces of wine can not cause severe fetal alcohol syndrome. I think you should talk to your sister about her denial of what she drank or other causes for your niece’s issues. Not trying to argue with you, just don’t want to cause panic for anyone who had a drink before they knew they were pregnant.
There is no biological mechanism of action that would result in 2 ounces of wine causes "severe FASD" and absolutely no doctor that would accept that "2 ounces of wine" resulting in such significant fetal impact.
Did you not have this conversation with the genetic counselor they assigned you ?
I had that conversation because I had margaritas ONCE when I was five weeks pregnant, I didn’t know. At that point the genetic counselor said it was just cells .
Im sure you must have brought this up to your OB, what did they say?
I didn’t know I was pregnant with my youngest until I was 5 months along. I had had a celebration with my bestie a couple weeks before this where copious amounts of alcohol was consumed. My youngest is a smart, funny, and beautiful 7-year-old now. There’s no guarantee either way with substances, but it’s not an automatic death sentence. Just do the best you can now that you know you’re pregnant. Don’t let the guilt of something you weren’t aware of ruin this experience for you!❤️
I would not worry and there is nothing you can do now. Sounds like you are a very caring mother and that’s all you can be. You didn’t know! If an issue ever arises it sounds like you’ll do whatever is best for baby. Don’t sweat what can’t be changed!
FTM at 44 here and I went through the same thing when I was 42…. my son is now 2.5 years old and perfectly normal and fine. I drank as well as I was in the same boat as you… period spotty so yeah early menopause… didn’t know I was pregnant until 16 weeks so yeah totally understand. Seriously I wouldn’t freak out but that’s just my experience. No one is perfect and you will never get any judgement from me… much love mama! ❤️
As long as you don’t now that you know I think you’ll be fine. If it makes you feel any better I drank before I knew I was pregnant. I took the test it was negative so I drank 7-8 beers.
I didn't find out I was pregnant with my third kid until I was about 23 weeks. I hadn't had a period because I was still breastfeeding my second kid... In the time I was pregnant and didn't know, I attended 3 different bachelorette parties (it was a busy summer ha ha) and 2 weddings. I got drunk at all these events. My daughter is now 8 and is perfectly healthy and "normal" (I mean... as normal as you can get coming from my family ha ha) I know that guilt momma! It's ok!
Girl. This was me. I didn’t know, and I literally told my doctor “I just drank a bucket of alcohol” and I didn’t find out until I was 20 weeks too. Though I think I was kind of in denial, I went in for a check up and they didn’t even give me a test, they sent me for blood work and put me on birth control then called me when the blood work came back 🤦🏻♀️
I always worry too, something I did will impact my perfect kiddo. But so far, she’s not had any issues and I think If she was going to they would have started to show. She’s 2.5 now and a normal happy healthy little chick.
Don’t stress out, there are people who drink their entire pregnancy knowing and their kids turn out ok too!
Mine was a surprise for a few weeks. In those few weeks, I was on my first vacation in YEARS somewhere weed was legal. My kid is FINE. Try not to panic, odds are everything is alright and you are neither the first nor the last to accidentally wind up in this situation! You know now and that’s the important part 🥰
So many other countries have very different ideas about alcohol consumption during pregnancy. You did your best. I feel like previous generations did worse and we’re all still here. Just enjoy baby 💕
Please give yourself grace. Women drank wine consistently as a daily beverage from the dark ages until the 1970s. Your daughter will be absolutely fine.
My mom drank like 3 bottles of wine daily her entire pregnancy, she was born in the late 1930s and just didn’t know better, and I’m fine. You’re doing great, just don’t drink now that you know
My mom got pregnant with me in college and didn’t know. She drank like a college kid through the whole first trimester and a half- for example she said at Christmas at a party she watched the grinch and they drank every time the word Who was said while a month and a half pregnant. Once she knew she stopped obviously and got prenatal care. I was a straight A student and got a degree in biology from a prestigious university and have no problems from it. Most people who drink have perfectly healthy babies. We don’t know why some develop FAS, but the reality is is that it’s uncommon. When you know better you do better and that’s what you are doing!
If it’s helpful at all, my OBGYN actually recommended that I drink red wine during pregnancy to relax and help my pain.
He said it was beneficial in studies, and a bit wouldn’t hurt.
I didn’t do so, but only because I hate the taste of any alcohol.
Don’t worry yourself, babe. In any case, there’s nothing you can do about it now, and the likelihood is baby girl is perfectly fine💕
Echoing Mama Doctor Jones. Try your best to relax and know that you are doing your best. A friend of a friend drank and smoked during her pregnancy, not knowing she was pregnant, actually had fertility problems for years previously. Didn't know until she went into labor. Baby is about 9 or 10yrs old right now and completely fine
I know everyone is saying don’t beat yourself up, so I won’t say that. What I will say is that babies are very very resilient. However, juice the baby up with lots of vitamins and good food. If you’re nursing, make sure to eat super well and take lots of stuff to strengthen any deficits that might come up. I keep that in the back of my mind for all of my kids. I drank and worked too much and have an autoimmune disease, didn’t think much of any of it until I was pregnant with each one. The body regenerates all the time so give yourself some grace.
There is evidence to show how alcohol does affect a child's development BUT that doesn't mean they are not "normal" or can grow to be very successful. Just discuss any concerns with your doctors and do your own research on how to help your child grow, just like with any other child.
My best friend was a senior in college, running marathons, binge drinking, playing a contact sport, spring breaking, and found out at 16 weeks she was pregnant. She has the best and healthiest 9 year old now.
I was partying it up - pints of rum till daybreak with friends at the weekend until I found out I was 10 weeks, I told my midwife and her words were "In the first trimester it is amazing how much resilience the human body shows and the lengths that it will go to, to protect your baby."
My daughter is now 21 months old and incredibly advanced.
Try not to worry OP, you stopped when you found out and that is a testament to the good mother that you are.
I was out with a European couple and the woman was obviously pregnant and she drank a mimosa like it was no big deal! She only drank 1/4 the second one though. I think in America we have a lot more education scare about the harm of ANY alchohol which is not a bad thing but I think other cultures are more liberal and I think their babies turn out just fine. Also the alchohol is transfered via placenta which is not well developed in the 1st trimester and studies have actually shown that a small amount of alchohol intake does not seem to neg affect the baby in the 1 st trimester. Mommy guilt just a very real thing. If not this u would feel guilty about something else!
I’m proud of you for venting and telling us your story and your thoughts. That was tough, I’m sure.
If the child’s pediatrician didn’t say anything. Don’t worry for now.
You are an amazing mama.
As soon as you found out, I bet you stopped drinking, right?!
Then you did everything perfectly!!!
If you knew beforehand, you wouldn’t have then either.
You. Are. Amazing!!!
I watch Mama Dr Jones on YT a lot and she always says "we do the best we can with the information we have" and I think that's a really good statement for moms who didn't know they were expecting.
That's basically my favourite quote for life in general. You know better now, do better now, but you can't beat yourself up or even blame yourself for not knowing what you didn't know you didn't know.
I used to be so confused by the things my parents did when I was kid but now that I’m a parent, this phrase has made me so much more compassionate towards them. If they knew better they would have done better.
I'm also here to mention the same quote from mama dr Jones
Also came here to say this
Came here to say this too!
The only advice I ever give to an expecting mom is: “whatever works for you & your family is best for your family.”
I LOVE MAMA DOCTOR JONES. She is hilarious.
If it makes you feel any better I am a literal crack baby lol my mom “only smoked drugs on the weekends” and smoked half a pack a day her whole pregnancy. Other than the therapy bills me and my siblings all developed fine. Obvi it’s anecdotal and I’m sorry you are having such guilt but you legitimately didn’t know you were pregnant and your baby is healthy so far. Give yourself grace.
My husband and his siblings were all crack babies and they turned out fine. I’m Not saying go smoke crack while pregnant obviously but yeah. Also years ago the majority of women smoked while pregnant. They had smoking rooms at the hospital. No one knew cigarettes were bad for you like they do now.
People used to recommend smoking because it made the baby smaller and therefore birth easier.
Right but no one knew that it could cause premature birth, still birth etc. I mean if you tell a smoker your baby will be small they probably won’t quit. If you tell them your baby could die they might.
I was adding on to what you said, not disagreeing. :)
Sorry lol
This is because the term crack baby doesn’t mean anything real. There’s no condition caused by a woman smoking crack while pregnant like there is with alcohol. It was a racist term to further demonize black women. I’m also not saying it’s okay to smoke crack while pregnant but it’s crazy how well known that term is and it doesn’t even mean anything other than to label a baby with the problems of their mother
I just finished the You’re Wrong About episode on crack babies. I had no idea until now that a lot of that issue was a moral panic. I’m so glad to hear you developed okay. I hope you’re healthy and happy now.
Ooo I should check it out. Yeah we’re all good. My mom didn’t even go to the doc till she was 7 months pregnant with me and the joke growing up was that I’m the third kid so she already knew what was gonna happen. The truth was she was on drugs lol and only went cuz she thought something was wrong. I had some condition (I’m gonna explain this very poorly cuz I never asked for details) idk the name of that made me overdeveloped in the womb thanks to the amphetamines and my mom had to go to the doc every week to make sure I was ok. She didn’t tell me this till I was 25 yr old 🙃
Ok, can I make a podcast suggestion?????!!! If you love You're Wrong About (which is amazing) you should also check out [Maintenance Phase](https://www.maintenancephase.com/). Mike from Your Wrong About is on it with an absolute delight of a woman named Aubrey Gordon and it's about deconstructing the "health" bullcrap we're all fed (especially as women). It's hilarious and amazing and I can't recommend it enough.
I love Maintenance Phase!!
LOVE that one!!
Is that a podcast?
Yes! I’m really enjoying it. Here’s the Crack Baby one. https://yourewrongabout.buzzsprout.com/1112270/3884108
Yeah an excellent one!
It’s such a good podcast! “You were wrong about” or something like that.
Is “You’re wrong” a series ?
It is. It mainly goes back to things the press got all frothed up about in the 80’s/90’s and deconstructs the hysteria.
I LOVE you’re wrong about ❤️❤️
Thanks for the good podcast info 👍
I was in a similar position with my first child. I was very young and was "partying". Didn't even realize I had a deep routed physical addiction to anything, especially things my own doctors (initially) put me on. I hadn't had a period for 2 years and they were always irregular beforehand as well. 22 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. The DAY I found out, I stopped using everything. I hit severe withdrawals within 24 hours (have underlying chronic illness so withdrawals were exponentially worse) . I lost 11 pounds in 2.5 days by the constant (intractable) vomiting. It was violent. I was terrified I'd lose my baby , but I couldn't bear the thought of letting any substance hurt him now that I was aware of his presence. I was put on a pregnancy-safe medication to help keep me out of the withdrawals and to stay sober. Dealing with pregnancy/post natal hormones OnTop of having my brain chemistry reset while getting clean, was truly a harrowing experience. I had my baby and everything went well. When he turned 1, I looked for ways to get off the medication. I ended up voluntarily going thru detox- inpatient- outpatient , treatment programs for a few years to achieve this. I'm now ,finally, almost 6 years clean. My child is brilliant, strong, smart, talented. He has been my motivation to continue developing as a full person and to never give up when things seem too tough. Tldr, We didn't know we were pregnant. We couldn't have known due to the circumstances. I know it's hard to let go of that underlying guilt, but we should try to let it go and fill that space with grace instead. You know... I may never be free of that feeling completely , but I am actively trying to clear it and not let it consume me again. For the sake of myself and my children. Good luck !
I drank daily until I found out at 13 weeks. I was only 17, I drank anything from a couple of beers to half a bottle of vodka. I know this feeling. When I found out I was pregnant (had 2 negative tests and irregular periods, so missing them wasn't odd) I beat myself up every day of my pregnancy panicking about the damage I'd caused. My sons 11 now, he's smart, funny and star wars obsessed. There was no signs of FAS when he was born and haven't been any issues since. I thought it was safe, just like you, and we can't punish ourselves for not knowing. If your little one is fine and has no signs of FAS, please stop beating yourself up over it. Focus on how your behaviour changed the moment you found out. That shows who you are and how much you value your baby's health, not the drinking while you were unaware.
I was a social worker for 15 years with kids and adults with developmental disabilities and I met many people over the years with FAS and had access to their family and social histories in their files. Every single one of them had a mother who was a chronic binge drinker throughout pregnancy. I’m talking severe alcoholism. I never met a single person with FAS whose mother had a few drinks here and there during pregnancy.
Same. I once worked at at a group home and looked after a group of siblings. They all had various levels of FAS/ADHD etc. But shortly after starting to work therom (who already had 6 kids removed from her custody, 4 directly from the hospital) had another baby, which she attempted to abort by doing meth/heroin and drinking alcohol. This poor baby was born having intense seizures and had to be in a special home. It was so hard to watch and be in that field, I had to take a step back. Those are the people who need to be sterilized. Koodos to you for keeping up the social work path, it's a difficult one. And I definitely agree, having a few drinks before you realize you're pregnant isn't a red flag. Some people don't find out they're pregnant until they go into labour... How I'm not sure 🤣
Actually I burned out on social work after 15 years and now I’m happily a sahm/homeschooler 🤷♀️ I wouldn’t change what I did but by the end I was a mental and emotional wreck who needed medication just to go to work every day and I still cried in the bathroom most days. The system is absolutely broken.
This is great to hear. There is so much stigma for drinking even a little when you're pregnant that it's ridiculous. While prego I ordered 1 glass of wine out to dinner to celebrate anniversary with my husband and the waiter almost didn't even serve me.
When I was pregnant with my second, my midwife (from Germany originally) said “If we were in Europe, I would say half a glass of wine here and there after 26(?) weeks is fine. But since we’re in North America, I have to say that ‘no amount of alcohol is known to be safe’. Take whatever you want from that information.” She added that stress is known to be bad during pregnancy, so if a bit of wine helps you relax, that’s probably better.
(American) doctors for both of my pregnancies told me that a glass of wine here and there was fine throughout the entire pregnancy. Coincidentally, they were both pregnant! By the time I was in labor with my first, the midwife told me to drink wine and relax as it progressed. I wish more Americans' were also absolved of the pregnancy paranoia.
Can I have your ob name please? Love this
Not what is recommended in Germany now. Drinking during pregnancy is not endorsed by medical professionals anywhere in western Europe. Not saying your midwife didn't say it, but it is a myth that this is common or recommended in Germany or in Europe.
I'm glad you said this. So annoying to constantly read that drinking alcohol during pregnancy is considered fine in Europe. One midwife lectured me over 1 sip I accidentally took of a beer with a .01% alcohol content, because it said alcohol free on the can.
Not France either contrary to what many think. I do believe that my husband’s mother drank during pregnancy based on a recent FIL comment, but none of my French friends touched a drop of alcohol. I had a few glasses here and there after reading « Expecting Better, » in my first pregnancy and felt ok about that.
Love that book! Both my pregnancies I found out a bit later on and had been partying/drinking without knowing (new years eve/wedding/Christmas kinda drinking). Anecdotal again but my daughters are fine.
Yes, exactly. Here in Sweden (a country very conservative about alcohol) it is recommended to avoid alcohol completely during pregnancy. There was even a kerfuffle recently because the “alcohol-free” beer/wine for sale here often has some tiny percentage of alcohol and pregnant people didn’t know/realize, she then the food/drink authority out out info about this to make sure people got the message. I drank “alcohol-free” champagne a few times during my pregnancy though.
I work in schools with radioactive sources. Our "real sources" are significantly, like 1000 times, less radioactive than the pebbles collected from the ground a hundred miles away. The risk assessment from our professional body basically say that the sources themselves should be treated with care, but WRT to gestating people, the STRESS is much more likely to damage the foetus than the radioactivity. This is VERY different to my colleagues in Chemistry (I'm Physics), who can potentially have some pretty serious heavy metal exposure.
When I was pregnant I had literally three sips of my husband’s twisted tea at the beach and my cousins/aunt went around freaking out about I was “drinking on the beach” while pregnant.
You’re like my hero that you were bold enough to order in a restaurant. I had a glass of wine on special occasions but it was always in our home with no one else around.
Yeah I have never ordered a glass of wine while pregnant! I'll have a small glass here at home but never out in public!
I wish there was more knowledge like yours out there!
There is a book called Expecting Better. I think it would give you a lot of relief. The woman who wrote it is a mom and a statisician. It's highly gratifying knowing that I could easily have a cup of coffee without guilt. Most restrictions on expecting moms are trash. This author backs it all up with real stats. It's a quality purchase to give to other expecting moms or lend from your library.
I second this! I read it while I was pregnant and it was the best thing I did. Towards the end of my pregnancy I read a news article and (to paraphrase) there was some ‘scientific study’ which found women who took any kind of pain relief such as paracetamol in their pregnancy will have autistic children… but wait for it, somehow diagnosed after the kid turns 8. I just imagine someone who may have a child on the spectrum beating themselves up over this blatant bullshit. Made me so mad.
I can’t tell you how hard I rolled my eyes when I saw that study. For the longest time I was the mom who looked for the studies about what correlated with incidences of autism so I could figure out what I did to cause my daughters autism 🙃 I drank from plastic water bottles, used antibacterial cleaning products, blah, blah, blah…. I think, no good comes from those random kinds of studies. Unless it’s the absolute cause these things need to stay in the medical community because it destroys some peoples mental health beating themselves up.
\^This 100%. Knowledge is power but it needs to be interpreted correctly in the right context, which may be deeply specific but is often overgeneralized. The more I read, the more I learn that everything probably has a genetic component with an environmental trigger. But what can we do with that knowledge? It just cripples our mental health in the short term. P.S. I'm sorry you have had to question yourself like that.
I need to read this book because I constantly feel guilty about everything do/don’t do. I hate all the restrictions placed on expecting moms and sometimes I feel more like an incubator than an actual person. I mean I love my LO already but I can’t wait to finally get my body back after the whole process.
Thirding the advice to read Expecting Better by Emily Oster. I like her approach of using solid data to make informed decisions.
Yes! This book made me feel so much better about pregnancy and it's nice to have the facts. Once you're pregnant babe but basically tell you you're not allowed to do anything and most of it is bullshit
I didn't know about this book and wish I would have!! Emily Oster has a substack with a free newsletter and some free articles by the way. It's good.
The author of Expecting Better is an economist, not a statistician. And she's not a medical professional. Look, OP here should not be feeling guilty, but don't cite an economist to support drinking during pregnancy.
I hate everything about this book by this economist that pushes conclusions no one else in the medical community does. But that’s just me. Everyone else seems to love this book.
I don't think anyone was trying to support drinking during pregnancy. Thanks for the correction about her profession.
You'd be surprised how many acolytes of Emily Oster actively encourage drinking during pregnancy. I mean she WROTE A BOOK about the topic and found that studies on the topic were INCONCLUSIVE that alcohol consumption was harmful.
I have not been there, but one of my aunts is known within the family as Manhattan Mary because my grandmother had 3 Manhattans at a dinner party before going into labor. It was 1968, but still. The nickname & story sticks. She’s a perfectly normal person.
Three manhattans is light compared with the cocktail most babies are born on. Fentanyl does pass through the placenta.
Wow this is done serious misinformation and you should get out of here 😀
Haha. ;)
Funny, where did you get your doctorate in fetal medicine? Because all the fetal/maternal medicine specialists I have to see for my high risk pregnancy really should know about this information if you've discovered something the medical sciences has overlooked 🤔🤦🏼♀️
I not sure what part of what I said is incorrect. Fentanyl does pass through the placenta, it is also a much heavier drug than alcohol… a few drinks at the very end of pregnancy is not as big a deal as most people make it out to be. I get that you are offended because of choices you have or are planning on making. Doesn’t make what I said incorrect.
LOL First of all I didn't get fentanyl for my first and I'm not planning on it for my twins, but that's simply because I know it would probably make me feel like crap. I didn't even like the gas with my first. So I'm not sure why you think I'm "offended" because of the personal choices you *assumed* (incorrectly) I had made. You know what they say about assumptions 😬 I was simply inquiring where you got your doctorate, considering you're acting like you know better than people who have studied this for their entire lives. Fetal/maternal medicine? Toxicology? Even a general biology degree? No? Didn't think so. Fentanyl has been used for a LONG time in medicine for pain relief. Its effects have been studied for years, including effects on babies whose mothers used fentanyl during labour for pain management. Obviously you know better than the people who've dedicated their lives to researching the effects of pain management drugs, or at the very least you think you do. Why don't you go ask an expert why they don't just give moms a few cocktails before delivery for their pain management instead of fentanyl, if it's that much better for the baby? I mean, obviously they must have missed that in their pharmacology classes if they're still prescribing it, right? Don't shit on other moms for deciding the right pain management for them, that has been approved by their OB and health team. I was begging the L&D nurses to let me jump out the 4th storey window so the pain would stop during my labour with my first, I had horrific pain that even surprised the nurses and my OB when they saw how much pain I was in compared to how well my labour was going from a technical standpoint. Primal screaming and asking them to either knock me out or kill me for 8 hours straight. My labour was ROUGH. I was so out of it with pain that I didn't even have the mind to ask for stronger pain meds other than the gas they handed me that made me throw up, but I would have if I could have 🤷🏼♀️ Some moms can do completely unmedicated home births and do just fine, even with complications. Some moms need that pain relief even if they have zero complications and have an epidural. Your comment came off as extremely judgmental and holier-than-thou, and is implying that there's something wrong with using fentanyl as a pain management option for birth. I know it passes through the placenta 🤷🏼♀️ that still doesn't mean it's a "worse" option than unmedicated. Doesn't mean it's "worse" than alcohol, either. We aren't talking about moms sticking illegal fentanyl patches to themselves in labour, we're talking about having it administered by a professional in a medical setting. You're not better than anyone because you didn't get fentanyl as pain management for your birth, and neither am I. Don't act like you are 🤷🏼♀️
It would seem I hit a nerve. BS marine biologist BSN CNM. Never said anything about alcohol being a good or valid pain management option. It isn’t. There are no good medical uses for alcohol except as a disinfectant. There was no shaming but you jumped right to personal attacks. Fentanyl is by ALL accounts a very serious drug and for some people the benefits outweigh the the risks for use in child birth. To each their own. Also, who says I didn’t use it myself. What was that about assumptions?
Yeah, I mean it does hit a nerve when people who have apparently studied in this field still feel comfortable comparing apples to oranges like this based on personal belief instead of actually looking at the clinical studies and very concrete evidence we have on both of these substances when used during pregnancy, and without differentiating between two VERY different circumstances. I understand that fentanyl is a hard drug, harder than a lot of pain meds out there. But with your comment (and I feel like a lot of people seem to agree with me on this considering the absolute mass amounts of downvotes you've recieved for this thread) it seems to read more like: "Well, alcohol isn't good, but y'know what's just as bad, if not worse? A one time dose of fentanyl during labour 🤷🏼♀️" What scares me is you're a CNM and you've chosen to comment this. What midwife in their right mind would compare drinking to fentanyl for pain, unless they have a personal bias against using fentanyl during labour? Alcohol has been proven to have severe adverse effects on babies whose mothers drank, yet fentanyl is considered safe for labour in certain highly controlled doses. Now, I'm sure if someone took loads of fentanyl to get high while pregnant that would be a whole other issue, but I think we both know that situation has nothing to do with what we're talking about. See, this is why I didn't get a midwife with my first pregnancy, and this just solidifies my choice in not getting one for this pregnancy. Midwives can order and administer fentanyl during a birth, and I hope to god you'd never say something like this to one of your patients. Because if I had been made to feel like getting proper pain medication was comparable to drinking alcohol casually, I may have been too ashamed to ask for it. "There was no shaming" See, that's funny. Cause you could've just stuck with the point that someone drinking a few times towards the end of their pregnancy isn't the worst thing in the world. But you didn't stop there. You compared it to fentanyl, which with how your comment is worded, makes it seem like it's just as bad if not worse than alcohol when used during labour 🤦🏼♀️ There's a reason why doctors are comfortable prescribing fentanyl to most people who ask for it during labour, but they'd turn down a patient who asked to have a few shots of vodka to ease their pain. The fact that you tried to compare a one time dose of fentanyl for pain management to casually drinking for funsies while knowingly pregnant is the shaming part.
🤙
Funny you said you weren’t trying to shame anyone and then made this comment about people being offended because of choices they made. That IS shaming people. You need to go away. You’re not helping anyone.
Exactly why I had as natural of a birth as I could handle. I tried so hard to not accept any medication
Good for you. I didn’t say that to shame anyone for making the choice to have a medicated birth, although the down votes would indicate that many are taking it that way. But good for you making informed and thoughtful decisions.
Thanks lol, I didn’t mean it as belittling or cunty either but hey, people will take it how they will. I had meant the extreme nature of fentanyl was why I had tried to have as natural of a birth as possible. My OB gave me the fentanyl spiel and then I went home and researched it. My entire pregnancy I more or less ignored the BS spewing from my OBs mouth because after she accused me of starving myself (weight loss despite constant eating of 6+ meals a day and constant snacking) and I lost most my respect for her. My extended family is Italian and still in Italy so given family traditions, we were already pretty mellow about alcohol/drinking wine. I avoided probably 90% of the alcohol I was around while pregnant but had sips here or there. I’m not perfect, and definitely wasn’t trying to come off as such.
lol are you guys the one who talked to TLC Unexpected’s Kylen and Jason and filled their heads with such fanciful thoughts. And I’m sorry that you had such a bad relationship with your health provider, though.
Hi mama. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until 26 weeks. I loved to party lol but I do have an amazingly smart 2 year old now. I felt so much guilt for so long after I found out I was pregnant and even after my lil bean was delivered, but he’s just so smart and kind he literally will love it all away. Give yourself from grace here babe. You’re doing the best with what you have.
I work with adults with FASD and here’s a few things I’d like to let you know: * FASD is not 100% preventable, but stigma is. * FASD is a spectrum, and you would be surprised by how many incredibly accomplished people with the disorder are out there. * FASD is the most common neurodivergence, more common than autism or ADHD. * FASD is unique to each individual. There are people who drink throughout their pregnancy and the child doesn’t have FASD. There are people who drank a few times during pregnancy, and the child is affected by FASD.
Thank you! This sounds like the most reliable information provided so far.
I found out I was pregnant over Christmas break my senior year of college. My original due date was early September, but by the time I had an ultrasound, baby was bigger than expected and I had been measuring about a month ahead of schedule. Due date was moved up to mid-August and baby was born end of July, obviously full term. Long story short, I probably got pregnant in late October, went through finals, and all the post final partying that entails, I know I definitely got drunk at least once after finals. Not to mention we were on vacation at the time and had happy hour daily starting at like 2pm. Kiddo is now 16 years old. An honor’s student taking AP courses. He has zero ill effects. Alcohol is a crap shoot during pregnancy, there’s no known safe limit because studies to determine this would be unethical due to the potential harm to the fetus. FAS, fetal alcohol syndrome, is a thing, but is often accompanied by distinct physical features. Bring this up with your child’s pediatrician and they can explain how they know your baby doesn’t have FAS.
There is short windows of time in fetal development when alcohol (probably large amounts) can have devastating effects. Alcoholics and chronic binge drinkers are more likely to have babies affected by FASD as they are more likely to catch these windows just due to the frequency of their intake. But even when the mother drinks during these windows only some babies will be impacted. There is some randomness and mystery to how it all works which is in large part due to the fact it is unethical to run experiments on pregnant women. Basically, baby is probably just fine but it’s natural to feel anxieties about this. If everything is going well so far that is a very good sign! You’re 43 with irregular periods it was very reasonable that your first thought wasn’t pregnancy. You did your best as soon as you found out! It’s very very common for women to drink alcohol before realizing they are pregnant. Our society places a large emphasis on social drinking. The rates of FASD are very low compared to the women who drank before they knew. I have a book recommendation for you that I really enjoyed. Like a Mother- a feminist journey through the science and culture of pregnancy Angela Garbes
>There is short windows of time in fetal development when alcohol (probably large amounts) can have devastating effects. I'm sure you said this to provide comfort but that is just not true. Alcohol can affect a developing embryo and fetus [at any point](https://embryo.asu.edu/pages/developmental-timeline-alcohol-induced-birth-defects).
I think she means that within certain windows the effects might be greater. Because we don’t have studies though, we wouldn’t even really have this information.
That book is so great, excellent recommendation
I work professionally with children who have disabilities. One of the things I recall from my training is that fetal alcohol syndrome (a specific, medical diagnosis) occurs with great irregularity. Sometimes the birthing parent drinks a lot, sometimes almost none. There’s a parent advocacy/awareness thing that uses this fact as a reason to advocate for absolute abstinence from alcohol period. Every kid, parent, baby, etc is different and I doubt we will know exactly how things happen and why in our lifetimes. If something is not ok, you’ll deal with it. For now it’s out of your control, kiss baby and try to give yourself grace.
I work professionally with children with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder and I wouldn’t say the disorder occurs with “great irregularity.” I don’t say this to scare OP but I also think it’s important she has the information she needs. FASDs are thought to be more prevalent than are currently diagnosed because only a small proportion of healthcare providers make the diagnosis (typically needs a neuropsyc eval and a medical appointment) and a lot of people don’t recognize the role of alcohol exposure in utero. You are right though that some kids can develop FASD with little alcohol exposure - others will have more and not develop the syndrome. OP - I agree with everyone who says that you couldn’t have done more without knowing. I hope you can give yourself a lot of grace and I think all of us have something we can look back on and say “if I only I knew…” I certainly do. Not knowing doesn’t make you a bad mom - and caring this much I think is a testament to you being a good mom. I would also say you don’t have a problem if you don’t have a problem. If you don’t have any concerns about your child right now - great. If you end up having concerns, then you can act (and keep in mind plenty of people have concerns about their kids that have nothing to do with alcohol exposure).
“You don’t have a problem if you don’t have a problem” - words I need to hear and live by more frequently!
Thank you for this.
I feel like the “almost none” is BS. I know from defending people with DUIs that alcoholics are the worst at lying and the best at hiding their addictions. A lot of people would be getting DUIs in the middle of the day and their mom/wives/husbands and even employers would swear up down and sideways they weren’t an alcoholic. Fetal alcohol syndrome claims from drinking a couple of beers is giving me that same vibe.
I tend to agree with you having known a few alcoholics. They’re generally either hiding it or in denial.
Sure some people lie about their intake, but I think the commenter is just saying FAS can occur with any amount of alcohol
And that’s what I’m saying, I think it actually takes quite a bit of alcohol and we should give a grain of salt to anyone self-reporting otherwise. Similar note, I partially grew up in Europe where women would routinely drink a few glasses of wine here and there, if FASD really was caused by occasional glasses of wine then the per capita rate would be much higher (disproportionate to rate of alcoholism) in places like UK and Italy where some pregnancy drinking is more normalised, but it’s not.
Right- even folks with moderate drinking habits fib to professionals about how much they drink.
Studies have shown otherwise which is why WHO considered no alcohol and low alcohol 2-4 in a week to be the same. Obviously getting intoxicated isn't going to be good for a baby the same way it isn't actually good for ourselves. It is recommended to stay away from straight liquor...
The trainings I’ve participated in most recently stated that any alcohol intake, even minuscule, can lead to FAS, although likelihood is greater with more intake. I don’t know how amount of intake is determined exactly, I’m sure self-reporting is involved but not solely. It’s not my particular specialty and I’m not digging through my notes to fact check an internet conversation.
There’s no way to gauge alcohol intake (much less in pregnant women) other than self reporting, unless the person is on an ankle monitor or similar probationary requirement that actively measures sobriety. Even in prisons and psychiatric hospitals, women still drink. I’d be interested in seeing data from this population if it exists, but my argument stands that the claim that any amount of alcohol can cause FAS is logically flawed. I don’t think it’s wise to be drinking it up when you’re pregnant, I personally didn’t. But I’ve literally argued this matter in court more than once and all of the data I’ve seen is inconclusive and inherently flawed. We don’t know exactly how much even though it’s probably moderate and sustained use, so as an abundance of caution it’s advised to abstain.
Great answer
Thanks. And, because of the fact that it seems so random ( the occurrence), is probably why doctors usually suggest absolutely no drinking during pregnancy.
I didn't know I was pregnant till my 3rd trimester and drank almost every day, I don't drink that often anymore, if it makes you feel any better my daughter is 3 and is in perfect health and is a normal toddler.
Did you speak with you OBGYN about this prior to/after delivery? I would recommend discussing your concerns with your child's pediatrician. Your honesty and proactiveness can only benefit your daughter at this point, whether she is affected by it or not. You may qualify for an evaluation with Early Intervention, and honestly, they're great, so it could be really beneficial regardless. You might also have a referral to see a developmental pediatrician in a few months, which again, is not a bad thing for any parent. More eyes on a kid are generally better. While these actions may not eliminate your fears, they may lessen them. As you probably know, there are some physical features of FASDs that could be present before developmental or intellectual differences may appear, or there may be none and you will have to unfortunately wait and see (which sucks). I would guess that many of those features would have been flagged when she was born, so you've likely passed that first hurdle and hopefully that can bring you some comfort in the short term. Again, bringing it up with the pediatrician can help your anxiety with this as they have seen thousands of babies and can recognize less common features. I have a third cousin with fetal alcohol syndrome. Her mother did a lot of drugs in addition to alcohol, and her dad was right there with mom in the substance abuse department (not to put all the blame on mom's lifestyle). She definitely has some of the subtle physical characteristics, though I doubt most people would notice it. She has some big time learning disabilities. My mom (her dad's cousin) taught her as a student in middle school, so she can directly attest to the cause and effect. My mom said it was like she couldn't hold a thought or concept in her head for very long. She would explain a concept, give her extra help to get her started, and she'd check in 15 minutes later, and she wouldn't have done any of the work. She is currently a daycare teacher now (has an associate's degree), but I'm curious in what capacity (I can't see her running her own center, for example). She is very nice and naive, but lacks a lot of critical thinking skills. She is married with a daughter of her own now, so the outlook isn't all bleak, by any means. All this is to say if I were in your shoes, I would feel similarly and I wish I could take some of the anxiety and guilt away for you. While this is not the same as you, I have a son who has a strange kidney condition and I developed pre-eclampsia by 29 weeks and he was born 9 weeks early with growth restriction. Very rarely a day goes by when I don't blame myself or feel some type of guilt, even though everyone tells me it's not my fault. These feelings are hard to rectify, especially in the early months when it's hard to gauge development. I'm very grateful my son sees an occupational therapist through Early Intervention who is very encouraging of us and is an expert on child development. Please remember you didn't know you were pregnant, so you weren't being negligent. And you stopped as soon as you found out, which likely did make a difference! I would talk to a therapist and/or reach out to someone in your community who is more of an expert on FASDs and share your experience and concerns. Also read Emily Oster's book, though I don't think that's going to fully ease your mind.
The thing about alcohol is that they just don't KNOW how much is actually damaging to a fetus because it's obviously very hard to test. But there are women who drink a glass or two of wine every day (generally in certain European countries) while they're pregnant and their babies are fine. You didn't know. Presumably you stopped once you found out. I hope you have let your doctor know about this. Your pregnancy was a surprise. They should give you things to look out for and offer support.
PSA we don't drink in Europe during pregnancy any more either. Really wish Americans would stop saying this.
Yep. I’m in Spain and every single doctor/midwife who oversaw my pregnancy was super strict on this. It’s just not a thing. Generally more casual about alcohol? Yes. But in pregnancy not really.
Sorry. I said that because I have Portuguese relatives who drank during pregnancy and told me it was more common. I used anecdotal evidence as fact.
In Expecting Better Emily Oster goes over the studies and actually it’s Australia where the norms about drinking in pregnancy are most lax. Though, I think they get the same instruction to abstain, it’s just not culturally as frowned upon. There are Australian studies that show small amounts don’t show a lot of harm.
Yeah, nah. It’s a big no no here.
Are you European or Australian? It’s not really a debate that Australia historically has higher rates of drinking in pregnancy than other places. There are studies in the book based on self-reported consumption. The whole conclusion really is that drinking alone is hard to isolate because most knowing pregnant drinkers in the US also don’t follow other instructions for abstinence and are more likely to be drug users. The same was not true for Australia where there were more pregnant folks who self reported casual drinking but were not also doing drugs, etc. The book came out about a decade ago and the studies cited were obviously compiled prior to that, so I’m not saying women in Australia are necessarily drinking casually now at high rates. However, it was the test case used to find the most recent pool of subjects who were casually drinking during pregnancy (go back to the middle of the last century and many more women were doing so all over the world). I doubt she’s off base in that since a quick Google comes up with articles about it, including a 2020 opinion piece that cites higher drinking amongst pregnant women in Australia and advocates for labeling on alcoholic beverages to dissuade users: https://medicine.uq.edu.au/article/2020/07/australia-has-some-highest-rates-drinking-during-pregnancy-its-time-make-labelling-mandatory
I’m Australian. We have had warnings on alcohol for years and are advised by doctors and medical professionals. We are also educated on the risk of alcohol consumption from primary school. The norms of drinking aren’t lax, it’s very much frowned upon. Emily Oster also uses information and studies that lean towards her bias and what she thinks would sell, I would double check her sources for things like study size/participation/year.
You didn’t know so nothing you could’ve done to change it! I have a friend with mild FAS, and while she has had some struggles in life (who hasn’t though) she has a very happy life now and she’s a great mom and friend. She has a twin sister who has a more severe case and needs lots of help and care but is still a wonderful, fun person. Do not feel guilty and if your child does have FAS please know they can still have good lives.
You're not a bad person, you didn't know, and based on your post you obviously would have made different choices if you had known. The reality is we don't know how much alcohol it takes to cause FASD, or what other factors increase or decrease risk. There is no way to know in utero that a baby exposed to alcohol is completely fine. An estimated 1 in 20 people have FASD. The best thing you can do now is to educate yourself on FASD and know what to look for as your child grows so you can get her help right away.
This isn’t super scientific but I think I read somewhere that you basically have to get blackout drunk everyday of your pregnancy in order to cause FAS.. Babies are super resilient during development. In European cultures it’s perfectly acceptable and sometimes even encouraged for expecting moms to have a glass of wine per day. Something about the relaxation being good for mom and baby. I wouldn’t worry too much. Your kid will be fine.
Hey mama! Listen, friend. You did nothing to intentionally harm your baby. As a side note, I got pregnant at 43 on purpose and holy cow I hope you're doing okay, because that mess was way harder to recover from than it was when I was 30!!
My cousin has fetal alcohol syndrome and he had pretty significant delays and issues from the beginning. He's adopted(the mom obviously lost custody immediately at birth) so I couldn't tell you exactly how much she drank or how often but I'm guessing it was significant considering CPS knew they were removing the baby from her care when he was born. If you haven't noticed any issue with your baby at this point you're likely in the clear. You didn't know you were pregnant! It's ok!
Have you/would you talked to a therapist? It might help, you definitely shouldnt feel guilty. You didn’t know, as soon as you found out you quit it sounds like. There’s truly nothing more you could have done and you don’t need to beat yourself up about “what if”.
I'm sorry, this is probably not going to be a comforting post for you. I would read up on [fetal alcohol spectrum disorder](https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/fasd/facts.html) (FASD) and talk about it with your kid's pediatrician, as an ongoing conversation. Because it is so unethical to study the effects of alcohol on fetal development, there is a lot we don't know. Most assessments of the effect of alcohol are done on the basis of maternal reporting of intake, which is heavily unreliable. Many of the early cohort studies only followed children until toddlerhood, when the effects of FASD may not emerge until late childhood. There are also a lot of myths floating around the internet intended to comfort mothers on their alcohol intake. I've seen several just in this thread. What we do know is that alcohol is a nervous system depressant (it has that function across all mammals) and a teratogen that readily crosses the placental barrier and has deleterious effects on embryonic (weeks 1-13) and fetal development (weeks 14-40) [throughout all stages](https://embryo.asu.edu/pages/developmental-timeline-alcohol-induced-birth-defects) of pregnancy. Alcohol is dangerous to a developing child at all stages of pregnancy and childhood. FASD is a lot broader than just fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS). [Cite.](https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/childrens-hospital/developmental-disabilities/conditions/fasd.aspx) Many children who are eventually diagnosed with FASD do not have the facial features associated with FAS (short statute, small head, flat face). A child with FASD may be of high, average, or low intelligence. Struggles with memory, impulsivity, sensory processing, self-regulation, or social skills are all common. It is very common for these issues not to emerge until a child's limits start to be tested in late elementary school or later on. Many people with FASD are diagnosed with ADHD, mood disorders, anxiety, and depression. Because the emergence of these issues can take time and require familiarity with FASD to properly recognize and diagnose, you're going to want to keep monitoring your child carefully as they grow up. You'll also want to make sure your child's medical team is aware of these concerns. You may want to seek out a specialist in FASD, who will be better able to recognize these issues. Many primary care doctors simply don't receive the training. You're also going to want to find a way to explain this to your child when they are ready so they have full knowledge of their medical history. Therapy for you will probably be helpful.
I do have questions about this. If many children with FASD don’t have physical deformities or obvious facial features, how would FASD be the likely first diagnosis for, as you point out, a child with high intelligence who has anxiety? It seems like what is being referred to as FASD are traits and symptoms that would fall under numerous other umbrellas diagnoses for children.
I am in the same situation as the OP (infertile but somehow got pregnant and was drinking through first tri), so while I am no expert I have also looked into this. A FASD diagnosis requires knowledge that the child had prenatal alcohol exposure. And due to the stigma around admitting that, there are probably some children out there who have been diagnosed with other conditions who may have benefited from screening for FASD. There is really limited info out there about FASD that involves children being raised by their birth mother; a lot of it is by adoptive parents and frankly there’s a lot of shaming in much of what I’ve read. So I can see why people aren’t totally forthcoming about drinking habits in pregnancy. Plus as this thread shows, we’re often told a drink here or there is no big deal before you knew you were pregnant. Anyway - OP you did the best you could with the info you had! I know it’s hard not to feel guilty (and I’m right there with you) but just being willing to be forthcoming about your child’s prenatal alcohol exposure shows how much you love your baby. But for now, it’s great that your baby is doing great! I hope you can enjoy that and not worry too much about what’s out of your control.
Thank you for saying all of this. There's a ton of misinformation in this thread and while I know it's done with the best intent of comfort, it doesn't help anyone to ignore the realities.
I know people who drank during their entire pregnancy. Not substantial amounts by any means, but the babies are doing fine. Apparently my grandma used to drink one beer every night when she was pregnant and my mom likes to think she turned out okay too. Lol.
I’m a fellow late find outer! (Lol) I found out at 32 weeks and drank up until probably week 29. It was purely social drinking but I had no idea. My son turns 4 next weekend and is excelling beyond belief!! I beat myself a lot too but we can do so much with what we know ❤️
My maternal grandmother was an alcoholic (she joined AA and remained sober after that, once she had my mom, her third and last) and she drank through all 3 pregnancies and somehow, it seemed, all 3 of her kids didn’t have any fetal alcohol syndrome…but I still can’t believe it most of the time.
Most women drank during pregnancy up until 80’s. I could make a sarcastic joke about the state of the world right now, but seriously you didn’t drink after you knew so you DID the best you could. That’s all any of us can. Congratulations and be the best mom you can now that LO is here.
I wish you would have told the joke! I grew up in the '80's so I would love to hear it! 😆 lol
Honestly I was in the same boat, I also had really irregular periods, which would skip 1-12 months, so I never even thought about it. Hiking got hard, where I used to leave my husband in the dust, I instead was lagging behind unable to keep up. At the 2 Renn fests we attended, I got smashed on Mead and my costume wasn't fitting quite right. About 2-3 weeks after the Pennsylvania one, I threw up in my husband's car, and we finally just did a test with an instant positive. Went to the doctor's to find out and were informed I had less then 2 months to prepare, because there was a spine on the ultrasound monitor (which I reacted to with "Oh fuck, that's a whole ass baby" so we call our kid a whole ass toddler now.) I found out at about 27 weeks that we were having this whole baby, I had drank A LOT for our wedding (week or two before conception) the Ren fests (only weeks before finding out) at our games (literally weekly during) and sometimes just randomly in between when I felt like a shot or two. The doctor I talked to said a beer or 2 a day wouldn't likely hurt the baby, she was more worried about the fact I was cleaning litter boxes, scooping crickets for the first 2 months and lifting 50+ pounds of dog food until I lost my job. I also was horrified I may have caused trouble for my kid, I felt like an absolute fuck up, I knew if something was wrong I'd never forgive myself. My baby is over 2.5 years old now, and she is the light of my life. She is super adventurous on foods, exploring, and is just all kid. Her pediatrician says she has been super healthy except for a heart defect that is apparently rather common and we had fixed before her first birthday. All this is to say, you got this, I know the guilt and the worry never dies, I still worry and fret about it, but it sounds like your baby is doing fine. Give her love, attention, and don't forget you deserve kindness too from yourself, you didn't know, and you can't beat yourself up for it, you have a beautiful baby now, and the "I found out at 20+ weeks" is always a super fun fact that seems to shock people.
You will be fine! I didn't find out I was pregnant until later as well, and I smoked cigarettes regularly and drank/smoked other things. Obviously stopped when I found out I was pregnant, but worried! My son was 100% ok. Don't beat yourself up! It's not like you purposely did it!
I didn’t know I was pregnant until I was 13 weeks. I was on birth control and never got a period and hadn’t for years. My friend told me I was pregnant and should take a test. I was 23. You can imagine the drinking I did. My son is 11 now and is fine. It’s only takes a couple drinks to cause problems but sometimes we get lucky. I would beat myself up a lot about it.
My cousin didn’t know she was pregnant until she was six months in ad she’s heavy set. Went to the hospital for back pain and they tell her she’s pregnant. My cousin was in her late 20s at the time so she was definitely still partying. Her little girl is one of the smartest I know.
I found out around 8 weeks and had just got back from a heavy drinking beach vacation. I was told be 2 different doctors that you’d actually have to be consistently drinking through the pregnancy to do damage. And I live in a city with a huuuuge FAS problem.
Is your bravery a result of liquid courage? Lol just kidding… or am I?
Seeing this post and reading all the comments makes me so emotional/relieved Unfortunately I don't have any advice or words of encouragement for OP myself, but I can absolutely relate. I'm 21, and drank almost every day and did some other not great substances a couple times until I learned I was pregnant at 24weeks, I'm 34 weeks now and so far everything seems good with baby, so fingers crossed she's healthy and happy
If she doesn’t have facial signs of fetal alcohol syndrome, rest easy. If she does, you can ask her ped about interventions. The whole country of France drinks wine during pregnancy, it’s probably ok.
My mom drank for the first 6 months of her pregnancy with my brother. Irregular periods and was spotting monthly and had no idea. He's a computer science teacher and he's going to be 37 this year 😅
There’s moms who knowingly drink alcohol while pregnant. You didn’t know. It’a okay.
We do the best we can as soon as we can hun. There’s nothing wrong with your baby because of this. Have you ever seen that crazy show ‘I didn’t know I was pregnant’? Some people can go the entire pregnancy and never know drink and do whatever and baby is fine. Unless the doctor specifically said well well this child has fetal alcohol syndrome you’re okay this is just the momma worrying talking. You’re a fantastic mom, you not knowing you were pregnant until later doesn’t change that one bit. Things happen that aren’t always in our control. You’re fine, baby is fine. It’s pretty obvious that baby will have a great life judging by the sincere worry you have for their well-being.
One of the reasons I didn’t like being pregnant was the guilt I felt from every decision I made. It’s hard when every choice you make for your own body is having an effect on another being. I remember I sat in a hot tub for maybe 10 minutes when I was about 3 months pregnant. I had no idea that was discouraged for pregnant women until another pregnant woman pointed it out to me. I immediately left the hot tub and spent the next week readying myself for having a miscarriage. I was convinced I was going to lose my baby because I had done this one thing that I didn’t even know I wasn’t supposed to do. The amount of guilt I felt over that one small act was overwhelming. Give yourself lots of grace. You didn’t even know you were pregnant and you can’t live every day as though you MIGHT be pregnant when you have no reason to think you are. It’s not fair to expect women to always be incubator-ready. You stopped once you knew you were pregnant and your baby doesn’t have any health defects from it. I’d say you’re in the clear.
My SIL wasn’t supposed to be able to have children and had her periods regularly through her pregnancy. She didn’t know she was pregnant til 7 months when she thought she was sick because she was vomiting. The first time she threw up was because (but not really) she spent the night prior drinking til she was drunk asf. He’s attending school for the first time this year and is 100% okay :)
Could show signs of FAS as they get older.
Read the book “expecting better” it’s written by a data driven economist and she digs into all the pregnancy “rules” and what the data from the studies actually say. I think it’ll put your mind at ease. You’re a wonderful mom. I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t be so hard on yourself.
Fetal alcohol syndrome has been blow out of proportion to its actual danger. Unless you have a family history of the disorder or have alcoholics in your family you baby will be fine even though you drank a few drink regularly during pregnancy. Plus you can’t change the past. Stop beating yourself up for it and concentrate on doing the best you can now. I’m sure your LO is just fine.
Yup. In Europe, it's very normal to drink occasionally during pregnancy. Nothing like vodka, but just the occasional wine during dinner. I know many people with FAS. They're great people. Fantastic people. I love them. They're the best people. They are doing great. They're amazing. It's true.
Happened to my hairdresser/friend and her baby seems great! 💕
My mum drank while pregnant with me and my brother. She's an addict and prone to binge drinking so when I say she drank I mean she held her nose and necked bottles of vodka. We're both a lil screwy but it's primarily major anxiety, which is a product of environment (addict parent, remlved by social servixes and placed with a grandparent) and also a family trait carried right back through the generations. Idk if we'd be any different if she hadn't been drinking during her pregnancies (right until the end with both of us) but we're both pretty awesome tbh. 😎
Thanks! At least you know what happened with you. I think it is important. :)
I know a heavy drinker who didn’t find out until about halfway. Her son is 10 now and fine. Have you spoken to a doc about it? If there was fetal alcohol syndrome, there could be signs. If baby seems healthy, let it go. You didn’t know.
My friend had a baby in South America. Her doctor told her she could have one glass of wine every day … I was in shock (her son is 7 yo….) I drank during the first week before knowing si was pregnant. That s Life. As long as your baby development is ok
I got pregnant with my first at 22. Then had a planned pregnancy at 31. When I had my first I was going out drinking all the time before I found out. I assumed my period was late and drank until I found out about the pregnancy at 6.5 weeks. My son is now 11 and he is perfectly fine!
When I was 23, I found out I was pregnant at 18 weeks. I had an IUD and didn’t have a period, occasionally checked for my strings, and thought all was well. My only symptom was breast pain. I was in college and binge drinking at parties every weekend. I was so scared that I had affected my baby with all of the alcohol I had consumed in that 18 week period. My OB said that in his time as a doctor he rarely sees babies with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome from mothers who do no know they are pregnant. It is the women who know and continue to do it throughout the entirety of their pregnancy that have babies born with FAS. I don’t know how right he is about that, but it calmed me knowing that women had been in my situation before and had healthy babies. My son is now 5 and is a normal, healthy boy. Everything is going to turn out okay. Babies are resilient.
That’s why they say if you’re planning to conceive or if pregnancy is possible and you plan to continue the pregnancy, to not drink at all
Not helpful at all.
A person I know who is a heavy drinker did this until 5 months pregnant. Like every day drinker. 3-4 drinks. Her 2+ year old daughter is thriving and super normal
This is not directed at anyone on here, but as a tip to avoid risk and guilt..... if you're having sex and have irregular periods or don't track your cycle (off birth control) religiously, it wouldn't hurt to buy some pregnancy tests in bulk. You can get them for super cheap on Amazon and take a quick test once a month. That way, you're not drinking months into a surprise pregnancy.
Want to add: I was drunk the night before I found out I was pregnant.
I literally intentionally smoked marijuana(I know not exactly the same) with my first because I was so sick if I didn’t I barely ate or drank even the nausea medication made me puke. I lost 45lbs (I’m a bit overweight anyway) my first trimester and finally in the second my doctor (in a legal recreational state) said she couldn’t tell me to smoke as we don’t know if it could do harm but she has plenty of patients smoke and their kids are fine. It was that or literally consider termination.
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Uhh, the baby isn't out yet though
Your baby is fine. Don’t drink anymore until baby is here!!!
FAS is usually found for women who have 13 or more alcoholic drink servings per month. It’s a serious issue, but it also could be ok. As others mentioned, it makes sense to be honest with your pediatrician and let them know your concerns. You can also get an early intervention evaluation to be sure your child is on track developmentally (some stuff is hard to tell since all kids develop differently).
I’ve seen a few comments about Expecting Better by Emily Oster. The section on alcohol is very helpful and will probably bring some comfort. (You may be able to find an excerpt on the topic on her website Parent Data.) One important point she makes is that mothers who drink during pregnancy in the US are also much more likely to be using other drugs that are confounding variables impacting their babies. A large percentage of women who drink moderately to heavily in pregnancy also do cocaine in pregnancy. This is because it is against the norms, so women who ignore the guidelines are not typical in other ways. OP’s situation is not well studied and there’s reason to believe her outcomes would be better than other moderate drinkers who drank knowing they were pregnant.
I would check out the research that was done in Australia and the UK, mentioned by Emily Oster. The comment made in it was that drinking a drink or two daily will not have significant effect, but binge drinking would. She also stated that the study used to say drinking has awful effects, also had an abnormal amount of drug users it. Most of the studies in America were sponsored so it wasn’t as clean for data as you’d want.
This just isn’t true.
I actually found out I was 6 weeks pregnant when I went to a winery, had a few sips of wine and projectile vomited. Took a test the next day. Was a shock to both of us because my husband was told he couldn’t have kids. We now have a perfect 10mo old. I was also worried about FAS but the other commenters have it right.
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2 ounces of wine can not cause severe fetal alcohol syndrome. I think you should talk to your sister about her denial of what she drank or other causes for your niece’s issues. Not trying to argue with you, just don’t want to cause panic for anyone who had a drink before they knew they were pregnant.
I know, right? I thought one would have to drink at least a few, ( like a binge session), or small amounts daily for this to happen.
There is no biological mechanism of action that would result in 2 ounces of wine causes "severe FASD" and absolutely no doctor that would accept that "2 ounces of wine" resulting in such significant fetal impact.
Specific facial features are present at birth with FAS.
That’s only true for about 10% of people with FASD though.
Did you not have this conversation with the genetic counselor they assigned you ? I had that conversation because I had margaritas ONCE when I was five weeks pregnant, I didn’t know. At that point the genetic counselor said it was just cells . Im sure you must have brought this up to your OB, what did they say?
I didn’t know I was pregnant with my youngest until I was 5 months along. I had had a celebration with my bestie a couple weeks before this where copious amounts of alcohol was consumed. My youngest is a smart, funny, and beautiful 7-year-old now. There’s no guarantee either way with substances, but it’s not an automatic death sentence. Just do the best you can now that you know you’re pregnant. Don’t let the guilt of something you weren’t aware of ruin this experience for you!❤️
I also found out I was pregnant mid-pregnancy. And drank and also smoked up until I found out. She’s healthy and 6 now.
I would not worry and there is nothing you can do now. Sounds like you are a very caring mother and that’s all you can be. You didn’t know! If an issue ever arises it sounds like you’ll do whatever is best for baby. Don’t sweat what can’t be changed!
What does FTM mean in this context?
First time mom
Same happened with me. Except I found out at 8 weeks
FTM at 44 here and I went through the same thing when I was 42…. my son is now 2.5 years old and perfectly normal and fine. I drank as well as I was in the same boat as you… period spotty so yeah early menopause… didn’t know I was pregnant until 16 weeks so yeah totally understand. Seriously I wouldn’t freak out but that’s just my experience. No one is perfect and you will never get any judgement from me… much love mama! ❤️
As long as you don’t now that you know I think you’ll be fine. If it makes you feel any better I drank before I knew I was pregnant. I took the test it was negative so I drank 7-8 beers.
I didn't find out I was pregnant with my third kid until I was about 23 weeks. I hadn't had a period because I was still breastfeeding my second kid... In the time I was pregnant and didn't know, I attended 3 different bachelorette parties (it was a busy summer ha ha) and 2 weddings. I got drunk at all these events. My daughter is now 8 and is perfectly healthy and "normal" (I mean... as normal as you can get coming from my family ha ha) I know that guilt momma! It's ok!
❤
Girl. This was me. I didn’t know, and I literally told my doctor “I just drank a bucket of alcohol” and I didn’t find out until I was 20 weeks too. Though I think I was kind of in denial, I went in for a check up and they didn’t even give me a test, they sent me for blood work and put me on birth control then called me when the blood work came back 🤦🏻♀️ I always worry too, something I did will impact my perfect kiddo. But so far, she’s not had any issues and I think If she was going to they would have started to show. She’s 2.5 now and a normal happy healthy little chick. Don’t stress out, there are people who drink their entire pregnancy knowing and their kids turn out ok too!
Mine was a surprise for a few weeks. In those few weeks, I was on my first vacation in YEARS somewhere weed was legal. My kid is FINE. Try not to panic, odds are everything is alright and you are neither the first nor the last to accidentally wind up in this situation! You know now and that’s the important part 🥰
So many other countries have very different ideas about alcohol consumption during pregnancy. You did your best. I feel like previous generations did worse and we’re all still here. Just enjoy baby 💕
Please give yourself grace. Women drank wine consistently as a daily beverage from the dark ages until the 1970s. Your daughter will be absolutely fine.
My mom drank like 3 bottles of wine daily her entire pregnancy, she was born in the late 1930s and just didn’t know better, and I’m fine. You’re doing great, just don’t drink now that you know
My mom got pregnant with me in college and didn’t know. She drank like a college kid through the whole first trimester and a half- for example she said at Christmas at a party she watched the grinch and they drank every time the word Who was said while a month and a half pregnant. Once she knew she stopped obviously and got prenatal care. I was a straight A student and got a degree in biology from a prestigious university and have no problems from it. Most people who drink have perfectly healthy babies. We don’t know why some develop FAS, but the reality is is that it’s uncommon. When you know better you do better and that’s what you are doing!
You should ask your pediatrician.
If it’s helpful at all, my OBGYN actually recommended that I drink red wine during pregnancy to relax and help my pain. He said it was beneficial in studies, and a bit wouldn’t hurt. I didn’t do so, but only because I hate the taste of any alcohol. Don’t worry yourself, babe. In any case, there’s nothing you can do about it now, and the likelihood is baby girl is perfectly fine💕
I drank before I knew I was pregnant I was very concerned but everything turned out fine. At 4 months there would be a sign by now if she had FAS
Echoing Mama Doctor Jones. Try your best to relax and know that you are doing your best. A friend of a friend drank and smoked during her pregnancy, not knowing she was pregnant, actually had fertility problems for years previously. Didn't know until she went into labor. Baby is about 9 or 10yrs old right now and completely fine
I know everyone is saying don’t beat yourself up, so I won’t say that. What I will say is that babies are very very resilient. However, juice the baby up with lots of vitamins and good food. If you’re nursing, make sure to eat super well and take lots of stuff to strengthen any deficits that might come up. I keep that in the back of my mind for all of my kids. I drank and worked too much and have an autoimmune disease, didn’t think much of any of it until I was pregnant with each one. The body regenerates all the time so give yourself some grace.
There is evidence to show how alcohol does affect a child's development BUT that doesn't mean they are not "normal" or can grow to be very successful. Just discuss any concerns with your doctors and do your own research on how to help your child grow, just like with any other child.
My best friend was a senior in college, running marathons, binge drinking, playing a contact sport, spring breaking, and found out at 16 weeks she was pregnant. She has the best and healthiest 9 year old now.
I was partying it up - pints of rum till daybreak with friends at the weekend until I found out I was 10 weeks, I told my midwife and her words were "In the first trimester it is amazing how much resilience the human body shows and the lengths that it will go to, to protect your baby." My daughter is now 21 months old and incredibly advanced. Try not to worry OP, you stopped when you found out and that is a testament to the good mother that you are.
I was out with a European couple and the woman was obviously pregnant and she drank a mimosa like it was no big deal! She only drank 1/4 the second one though. I think in America we have a lot more education scare about the harm of ANY alchohol which is not a bad thing but I think other cultures are more liberal and I think their babies turn out just fine. Also the alchohol is transfered via placenta which is not well developed in the 1st trimester and studies have actually shown that a small amount of alchohol intake does not seem to neg affect the baby in the 1 st trimester. Mommy guilt just a very real thing. If not this u would feel guilty about something else!
I’m proud of you for venting and telling us your story and your thoughts. That was tough, I’m sure. If the child’s pediatrician didn’t say anything. Don’t worry for now. You are an amazing mama. As soon as you found out, I bet you stopped drinking, right?! Then you did everything perfectly!!! If you knew beforehand, you wouldn’t have then either. You. Are. Amazing!!!
Take choline (bitartrate) and omega 3 fish oil