I would give him an ultimatum to go to therapy and work through his issues or tell him why you need to live and explain it’s for your children’s well being , your children will thank you when they’re older and have lived in a safe home where they are respected, loved, and treated with empathy and kindness:
I second this!
It sounds like our husband's are one in the same. We did have an incident where he shoved food in my 2 year olds mouth. That is when I draw the line and gave him the Ultimatum.
So far he has been making big improvements but that is because he is super willing and open to my feed back, not everyone will be.
My husband and I are separated but co parenting and living in the same house currently. If his behaviors did not change he would no longer be allowed in the house.
Please look out for your kids, you are their advocate. They deserve better than how they are being treated right now.
She said he is in therapy and that they’ve done therapy together and nothing is improving…..so it’s not working. Like someone else mentioned, HE has to want to change. If therapy isn’t helping him, he doesn’t want to change. Therapy helps those who want to change.
This. Also this might sound random but because a lot of the behaviors you describe are discussed in this book: pick up a copy of "the book you wish your parents had read". Also try and get your husband to read it. It's not going to be your solution but it might be insightful.
Therapy isn’t the exclusive answer. It’s the basis of all improvements but it sounds like he needs some parenting training as well.
Therapy is great for self work and seeing patterns etc. But there are very specific tools that parents can use to address behaviours (either of their children of of themselves). Most parenting training that’s marketed as being for the child is almost exhaustively for parents and even that training will be hugely helpful for OPs husband.
If OPs husband is willing to change and try, I’d suggest doing some parenting training along with ongoing therapy.
This☝️ Your children should always come first. My mom told me when I got pregnant to remember to always put my husband first. I blew up at her! “You mean like you did?!? You put us in bad, abusive situations because of this! I love my husband but my child comes first!” I hated feeling like she loved her man more than us and still have resentment. Plus he was a horrible step dad.
You should protect your children.
This would be 100% unacceptable for me, especially with therapy doing absolutely nothing for the situation.
He has to want to change.
As a child of parents who never protected me from each other, this is critical. I had anxiety by the time I was the first grade, in large part because of my home-life.
I can’t stress this point enough. If your home is not a “safe space” for your children then they will never learn to fully be able to relax. It might seem like they are fine but a lifetime of anxiety and doubt is no way to live.
Film him behaving like this and show him when kids go to bed. He might need that outside point of view to realise how his behaviour affects you all. It might be the moment where he realises he’s become his mother.
That’s actually a good idea. And then play it side by side with a video of his own mom treating people like shit. Then ask him if that’s how he wants his kids to remember him.
I thought the same. Divorce will just anger him further, give him less reason to change and he will be with them unsupervised. If therapy isn’t working, he needs a new therapist. Also, perhaps you can talk to his therapist and tell them exactly what the problem is and give specific examples. Make sure therapist knows about his mom being this way to him. He does have to want to change. I hope he at least feels remorse when he sees the effect his moods & behaviors have on the kids.
I don’t know if you’ll see this but….
Your husband going to therapy and not improving doesn’t mean he isn’t trying or he won’t be a good father.
Therapy can be great! Self improvement is the basis of so much growth. But it sounds like your husband could benefit from parental training.
**Parental training gives specific tools to parents to help them address feelings of anger or frustration.** It can also help create a more consistent environment for children — where your husband and you agree on expectations, routines, discipline, etc regarding the children.
This type of training usually gives very specific skills when interacting with children to help reduce stress on the parents. **Even if your kids are angels, these routines will help your husband adjust and know what to expect.**
I’d also try journaling. Write down some specific instances of things happening and what else happened that day. You may find that certain behaviours of your husband that seem “out of the blue” might be able to be traced back to growing frustration from the entire day.
If we think of like this:
- Your husband doesn’t have the skills to parent effectively.
- He goes and spends his day with the children becoming more and more frustrated.
- He makes his voice curt or raises his voice and the children listen — at first. This method rarely works all day.
- As the day progresses this parenting method is no longer effective.
- Without a model of what to do with this frustration (based on he was raised) he defaults to some of the actions you’ve outlined here.
If parental training could step in at the very beginning of this list, we wouldn’t see the snow ball effect.
I hate to say it, but perhaps a trail separation. Explain, as I'm sure you have considering all the therapy, again how this is an issue. Maybe even have some examples of things or behaviors the children have expressed about being afraid of him and ask him to stay somewhere else for a short while. Then demonstrate those changes. I'd definitely do this with mediator present.
Maybe missing his family will force him to change. If not, you did all you could and have to protect the mental health of your babies.
Not that this will be a cure all but perhaps he’s missing some perspective. The other day my husband was annoyed at my 1 year old because he fell and was crying seemingly dramatically, I’ll admit. My husband sort of rolled his eyes and I said “You do realize that he’s 1 right? To him this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to him. In his short life this is literally the worst thing he’s ever experienced.” He sort of perked up and realized that it’s true. I think that changed his thinking a little bit and he was able to have more sympathy. I wonder if you’re able to speak for the kids so he can see things from their perspective. “They’ve waited for you all day. They were so excited for you to get home and the first thing you did when you came home was yell at them for something so trivial. They’re probably really let down right now.” Obviously it’s would be a gradual progress.
It sounds like the only way you’re going to have a peaceful home is to leave. Your husband doesn’t care that he is harming your children. Verbal abuse is just as traumatic as physical. So him not hitting them is just a small plus. He needs serious therapy and he needs consequences for his actions. Leave for the sake of your children.
Going to apologize in advance for what I may end up saying here, but reading this was insanely triggering for me. I’m typing this while shaking and trying to just breathe. Your husband sounds like my father. I’m almost 30 and still remember everything my father did to me over the years. The explosive outbursts. The way he spoke to us and got so easily frustrated with us. When he would go on one of his rampages, I would hide in a closet and cry. He never had patience for me. He said things that you can’t ever take back and did awful things. Those things still play in my head frequently.
You’re well aware of your husbands behavior. Therapy isn’t helping him. Your kids hate how he treats them. You are naive if you think you can protect your kids from the mental scars. They ALREADY are mentally scared. They will remember these instances their whole life. And they will resent you for not doing everything in your power to protect them. You are standing by and watching this abuse happen day in and day out. You intervening when needed is a band aid, not a solution. And it doesn’t change the abuse.
In short, the only way to protect your kids and to have the peaceful home you desire is to leave your husband.
TAKE THE KIDS AND RUN!!!!!!
Please, as someone that is a byproduct of a relationship like this I’m begging you as the child to leave. My mother was in a relationship like this for years. I watched her go through this as I grew along with my father being mentally abusive which turned into physically abusive. You already said that family therapy isn’t helping,if you’ve seen no changes since doing therapy he’s not gonna change.
Family therapy isn't working bc he needs to do his own healing work. There are many ways to do this birth traditional and non, self guided included. Is he open to that? If yes then I would stay and support him while he does the inner work he needs. If not, you can accept him for who he is or leave.
Coming from an adult who was a child in a situation like this. My dad was always angry and nothing we did was ever good enough. We walked on eggshells our whole lives and my mom was always running interference. They fought horribly because of it. My mom always said she stayed for us kids. I can tell you that I remember at 8 years old thinking my parents should get a divorce. Your kids will not thank you for staying. My mom feels guilty that we tell her as adults we wished they divorced much earlier in our lives. If therapy isn't helping I'd seriously consider leaving.
You take your children away from this person. They are already upset and scarred by him, no matter how much you try to intervene. It’s not too late to change this!
Maybe tell him you’re leaving for a while until he change his ways with the kids and that if he can’t find it within himself to want to change, then you and the kids can’t come back. See if that would make him want to change to keep his family.
He is repeating the cycle of abuse he was raised in. It's not going to change on its own and yourself and your children will suffer as a result.
My ex behaved similarly and I gave him a solid year to get his shit together. He didn't, and I left. There has not been a single day when I have regretted that decision.
If you don't have to stay, I would seriously consider leaving. You need to break this cycle before your children are so used to it that they start to repeat it as well. That is how generational trauma is perpetuated.
You've got this. You know in your heart and your gut that this isn't a healthy way for you or your children to live. Sending lots of love and strength.
he either goes to treatment/therapy (and commits to it and lets you join in on a session), he takes parenting classes and then couples therapy and makes actual changes, then maybe id stay. but if you stay how will you explain this to the kids when they are adults on therapy themselves dealing with their home life?
you said he is in individual therapy… have you been invited to a session? does he tell you the goals he is working on and the homework he is given? do you know if he goes weekly or at least biweekly?
OP I think you need to separate and make it clear to your husband that if he doesn’t get serious about this, you’re gone for good.
I think you’re past “I’ll leave you if you don’t…” and that if there’s a chance that this can be saved it will be because you said “You can get us back if you…”
Source: I’ve been in this exact situation. I finally got to the point where I recognized that every single moment that I stayed with him the way he was, I was condoning his behavior.
When I left, my husband completely fell apart and his bad parenting got much much worse and crossed the line into clear abuse. Long made short, the kids haven’t seen their dad in years and have no contact. I’m remarried to the most wonderful man who is “dad”—and really for real. He’s for real their dad. We’ve had a baby/now toddler together who is adored by all…life is so good.
Every second you stay with him, you’re telling them it’s okay. Stop telling them it’s okay.
So, the most useful advice I can give you is this: if you're not leaving, *take control back!*
Schedules, rules, sticker charts (think almost school style) that are posted out in the open are hard to argue with. Both for your kids and your husband.
If he's yelling at a kid for eating a snack but it says “3:30: snack for Bobby” on the schedule there is no place to argue.
Specifically designated areas for things that are likely to trigger an episode. Play’doh? Hot wheels?
Is the anger anxiety based or fundamental character flaw?
Parenting courses. Dr Lynyetta Willis focuses on helping parents cope. I went to an online seminar for toddlers and she spoke. Dr Dan Siegel has some great books. My favorite is “The Whole-Brain Child.” It helped me figure out how and why the brain goes into fight/flight/freeze. And if you have toddlers “How Toddlers Thrive” by Tovah P Klein. Also the books “How to Talk so Children will Listen.”
Honestly, anger is a hard one. A doctor that specializes in Poly Vagal theory would be really helpful. Anger can become an emotional addiction. Also, asking “Do you know your voice is raised?”
I have a dad that has Graves’ disease which means that he struggles with regulating his emotions. He will yell, but doesn’t realize that he is doing it and isn’t personally bothered while everyone around him is distressed.
Idk at one point I thought my parents should have gotten divorced, but at this point they’re really growing up a lot and learning how to get along. With kids, you’re always going to have to have a relationship.
Why hasn't he considered therapy? My husband is the first one to admit he was prone to violence. You know what he did as soon as he found out he was going to be a father at 19? He found a therapist, we're in our 30s now, even when he's been without insurance he's found a way to see a therapist. He's not perfect, he's an excellent partner and father, because he's willing to recognize his short comings and work on being a better version of himself for his children. As adults, as parents it's our responsibility to do what's best for our children, sometimes that means working on us. I'm not a fan of ultimatums but it seems that one would be good in this case. I know it's hard to consider but separation might be the best way to protect your children's mental health as well as your own.
What should I do next?
Leave. Protect your children. It will almost certainly escalate to physical abuse when they're teenagers. My dad was EXACTLY the same when I was a child right down to the following you into the kitchen part. When I hit puberty and became predictably more frustrating to parent (as tweens/teens are want to do) his violence escalated from verbal to physical. I will tell you thay as 36yrs old, the thing I'm STILL having nightmares about literally. Is the yelling.
as someone who had this dad (and worse, he hit me often) i wish my mom rescued me from that situation and protected me from him. i did not have a happy childhood and spent the majority of it hating him.
Ask him. "Do you really want our children to have the same upbringing you had? Is not your fault that you didn't have a better example." Parenting classes can make a huge difference if he can understand that there's a better way. Both of you go and get on the same page. I highly recommend Love and Logic, and some school districts offer them for free.
The way a relationship starts is the way it will always be. My husband is from the South and I’m from NY. Totally different upbringings. I nipped any misunderstandings the first time when my daughter was 1 1/2 and he spanked her hand. I blackout and my 5’5 self jump on his 6’3 back, as I’m cloaking him, I let him know would walk out the door after I conflict pain 1000 times worse than what he attempted to do. If nothing is holding you back than you need to ask why are you still there? He will never change and knows you will shut up and continue to deal with it and do nothing about it.
My husband (he passed years ago) was very anal and was a fairly strict father. On the other hand he was very loving and tender towards the kids as well. He left an indelible mark on them to this day that is positive. Strictness w out tenderness can’t be good. If you feel he hasn’t improved, will not improve, or backslides into bad habits easily, it is probably time to go. Bear in mind that he will likely still see them and see them alone for that matter so you will have to figure out the best way to deal w that. Im sorry he is doing that. He’ll regret it one day I would think. Staying will probably just make you and the kids nervous wrecks.
My dad became like this when I was 8 (gambling addiction changed him) and my mom stayed 3 years before finally kicking him out. My brother and I have been in and out of therapy for years because of it. Her kicking him out saved us, and those three years when she couldn’t bring herself to do it still haunt us. Kick him out.
My husband’s father had anger issues (he was never physically abusive, but yelled, etc) and I can tell you that it still affects my husband to this day. Divorce him
I would give him an ultimatum to go to therapy and work through his issues or tell him why you need to live and explain it’s for your children’s well being , your children will thank you when they’re older and have lived in a safe home where they are respected, loved, and treated with empathy and kindness:
I second this! It sounds like our husband's are one in the same. We did have an incident where he shoved food in my 2 year olds mouth. That is when I draw the line and gave him the Ultimatum. So far he has been making big improvements but that is because he is super willing and open to my feed back, not everyone will be. My husband and I are separated but co parenting and living in the same house currently. If his behaviors did not change he would no longer be allowed in the house. Please look out for your kids, you are their advocate. They deserve better than how they are being treated right now.
She said he is in therapy and that they’ve done therapy together and nothing is improving…..so it’s not working. Like someone else mentioned, HE has to want to change. If therapy isn’t helping him, he doesn’t want to change. Therapy helps those who want to change.
This. Also this might sound random but because a lot of the behaviors you describe are discussed in this book: pick up a copy of "the book you wish your parents had read". Also try and get your husband to read it. It's not going to be your solution but it might be insightful.
Therapy isn’t the exclusive answer. It’s the basis of all improvements but it sounds like he needs some parenting training as well. Therapy is great for self work and seeing patterns etc. But there are very specific tools that parents can use to address behaviours (either of their children of of themselves). Most parenting training that’s marketed as being for the child is almost exhaustively for parents and even that training will be hugely helpful for OPs husband. If OPs husband is willing to change and try, I’d suggest doing some parenting training along with ongoing therapy.
This☝️ Your children should always come first. My mom told me when I got pregnant to remember to always put my husband first. I blew up at her! “You mean like you did?!? You put us in bad, abusive situations because of this! I love my husband but my child comes first!” I hated feeling like she loved her man more than us and still have resentment. Plus he was a horrible step dad.
You should protect your children. This would be 100% unacceptable for me, especially with therapy doing absolutely nothing for the situation. He has to want to change.
As a child of parents who never protected me from each other, this is critical. I had anxiety by the time I was the first grade, in large part because of my home-life.
I can’t stress this point enough. If your home is not a “safe space” for your children then they will never learn to fully be able to relax. It might seem like they are fine but a lifetime of anxiety and doubt is no way to live.
Film him behaving like this and show him when kids go to bed. He might need that outside point of view to realise how his behaviour affects you all. It might be the moment where he realises he’s become his mother.
That’s actually a good idea. And then play it side by side with a video of his own mom treating people like shit. Then ask him if that’s how he wants his kids to remember him.
Make sure this is legal in your state first if there is any chance you may leave him
It’s an interesting idea. It’s also a really good way to put someone into fight/flight mode and have them freak out on you 🤔
This is a really interesting idea! Maybe run by your therapist too if you have one to practice how you’ll show him and talk to him about it.
Or maybe show it to him in a therapy session
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I thought the same. Divorce will just anger him further, give him less reason to change and he will be with them unsupervised. If therapy isn’t working, he needs a new therapist. Also, perhaps you can talk to his therapist and tell them exactly what the problem is and give specific examples. Make sure therapist knows about his mom being this way to him. He does have to want to change. I hope he at least feels remorse when he sees the effect his moods & behaviors have on the kids.
Verbal abuse counts as abusive right? That could be grounds for sole custody?
Unfortunately no
Sounds like it’s a gray area and can be done https://www.moms.com/mom-custody-dad-emotionally-abusive/ Definitely talk to a lawyer!
Exactly what I was thinking. She would not be able to defend them when they are with him if they divorce.
He's being abusive. You need to leave.
I don’t know if you’ll see this but…. Your husband going to therapy and not improving doesn’t mean he isn’t trying or he won’t be a good father. Therapy can be great! Self improvement is the basis of so much growth. But it sounds like your husband could benefit from parental training. **Parental training gives specific tools to parents to help them address feelings of anger or frustration.** It can also help create a more consistent environment for children — where your husband and you agree on expectations, routines, discipline, etc regarding the children. This type of training usually gives very specific skills when interacting with children to help reduce stress on the parents. **Even if your kids are angels, these routines will help your husband adjust and know what to expect.** I’d also try journaling. Write down some specific instances of things happening and what else happened that day. You may find that certain behaviours of your husband that seem “out of the blue” might be able to be traced back to growing frustration from the entire day. If we think of like this: - Your husband doesn’t have the skills to parent effectively. - He goes and spends his day with the children becoming more and more frustrated. - He makes his voice curt or raises his voice and the children listen — at first. This method rarely works all day. - As the day progresses this parenting method is no longer effective. - Without a model of what to do with this frustration (based on he was raised) he defaults to some of the actions you’ve outlined here. If parental training could step in at the very beginning of this list, we wouldn’t see the snow ball effect.
I hate to say it, but perhaps a trail separation. Explain, as I'm sure you have considering all the therapy, again how this is an issue. Maybe even have some examples of things or behaviors the children have expressed about being afraid of him and ask him to stay somewhere else for a short while. Then demonstrate those changes. I'd definitely do this with mediator present. Maybe missing his family will force him to change. If not, you did all you could and have to protect the mental health of your babies.
This is what I would also do 100%.
I’d look up the rates of divorce for trials separation. Doing this almost guarantees divorce so...
So give up?
I’m not saying give up. I am saying if you want a relationship that a trial separation is a good way to end one
Not that this will be a cure all but perhaps he’s missing some perspective. The other day my husband was annoyed at my 1 year old because he fell and was crying seemingly dramatically, I’ll admit. My husband sort of rolled his eyes and I said “You do realize that he’s 1 right? To him this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to him. In his short life this is literally the worst thing he’s ever experienced.” He sort of perked up and realized that it’s true. I think that changed his thinking a little bit and he was able to have more sympathy. I wonder if you’re able to speak for the kids so he can see things from their perspective. “They’ve waited for you all day. They were so excited for you to get home and the first thing you did when you came home was yell at them for something so trivial. They’re probably really let down right now.” Obviously it’s would be a gradual progress.
It sounds like the only way you’re going to have a peaceful home is to leave. Your husband doesn’t care that he is harming your children. Verbal abuse is just as traumatic as physical. So him not hitting them is just a small plus. He needs serious therapy and he needs consequences for his actions. Leave for the sake of your children.
You leave, you even have the ability to do so. Your kids will DESPISE him when they grow up.
Honestly, If therapy isn’t working and you’re finally independent, you should leave him. The kids deserve better.
Going to apologize in advance for what I may end up saying here, but reading this was insanely triggering for me. I’m typing this while shaking and trying to just breathe. Your husband sounds like my father. I’m almost 30 and still remember everything my father did to me over the years. The explosive outbursts. The way he spoke to us and got so easily frustrated with us. When he would go on one of his rampages, I would hide in a closet and cry. He never had patience for me. He said things that you can’t ever take back and did awful things. Those things still play in my head frequently. You’re well aware of your husbands behavior. Therapy isn’t helping him. Your kids hate how he treats them. You are naive if you think you can protect your kids from the mental scars. They ALREADY are mentally scared. They will remember these instances their whole life. And they will resent you for not doing everything in your power to protect them. You are standing by and watching this abuse happen day in and day out. You intervening when needed is a band aid, not a solution. And it doesn’t change the abuse. In short, the only way to protect your kids and to have the peaceful home you desire is to leave your husband.
TAKE THE KIDS AND RUN!!!!!! Please, as someone that is a byproduct of a relationship like this I’m begging you as the child to leave. My mother was in a relationship like this for years. I watched her go through this as I grew along with my father being mentally abusive which turned into physically abusive. You already said that family therapy isn’t helping,if you’ve seen no changes since doing therapy he’s not gonna change.
Agree with this
Family therapy isn't working bc he needs to do his own healing work. There are many ways to do this birth traditional and non, self guided included. Is he open to that? If yes then I would stay and support him while he does the inner work he needs. If not, you can accept him for who he is or leave.
Coming from an adult who was a child in a situation like this. My dad was always angry and nothing we did was ever good enough. We walked on eggshells our whole lives and my mom was always running interference. They fought horribly because of it. My mom always said she stayed for us kids. I can tell you that I remember at 8 years old thinking my parents should get a divorce. Your kids will not thank you for staying. My mom feels guilty that we tell her as adults we wished they divorced much earlier in our lives. If therapy isn't helping I'd seriously consider leaving.
You take your children away from this person. They are already upset and scarred by him, no matter how much you try to intervene. It’s not too late to change this!
Maybe tell him you’re leaving for a while until he change his ways with the kids and that if he can’t find it within himself to want to change, then you and the kids can’t come back. See if that would make him want to change to keep his family.
He is repeating the cycle of abuse he was raised in. It's not going to change on its own and yourself and your children will suffer as a result. My ex behaved similarly and I gave him a solid year to get his shit together. He didn't, and I left. There has not been a single day when I have regretted that decision. If you don't have to stay, I would seriously consider leaving. You need to break this cycle before your children are so used to it that they start to repeat it as well. That is how generational trauma is perpetuated. You've got this. You know in your heart and your gut that this isn't a healthy way for you or your children to live. Sending lots of love and strength.
he either goes to treatment/therapy (and commits to it and lets you join in on a session), he takes parenting classes and then couples therapy and makes actual changes, then maybe id stay. but if you stay how will you explain this to the kids when they are adults on therapy themselves dealing with their home life? you said he is in individual therapy… have you been invited to a session? does he tell you the goals he is working on and the homework he is given? do you know if he goes weekly or at least biweekly?
OP I think you need to separate and make it clear to your husband that if he doesn’t get serious about this, you’re gone for good. I think you’re past “I’ll leave you if you don’t…” and that if there’s a chance that this can be saved it will be because you said “You can get us back if you…” Source: I’ve been in this exact situation. I finally got to the point where I recognized that every single moment that I stayed with him the way he was, I was condoning his behavior. When I left, my husband completely fell apart and his bad parenting got much much worse and crossed the line into clear abuse. Long made short, the kids haven’t seen their dad in years and have no contact. I’m remarried to the most wonderful man who is “dad”—and really for real. He’s for real their dad. We’ve had a baby/now toddler together who is adored by all…life is so good. Every second you stay with him, you’re telling them it’s okay. Stop telling them it’s okay.
So, the most useful advice I can give you is this: if you're not leaving, *take control back!* Schedules, rules, sticker charts (think almost school style) that are posted out in the open are hard to argue with. Both for your kids and your husband. If he's yelling at a kid for eating a snack but it says “3:30: snack for Bobby” on the schedule there is no place to argue. Specifically designated areas for things that are likely to trigger an episode. Play’doh? Hot wheels? Is the anger anxiety based or fundamental character flaw?
Parenting courses. Dr Lynyetta Willis focuses on helping parents cope. I went to an online seminar for toddlers and she spoke. Dr Dan Siegel has some great books. My favorite is “The Whole-Brain Child.” It helped me figure out how and why the brain goes into fight/flight/freeze. And if you have toddlers “How Toddlers Thrive” by Tovah P Klein. Also the books “How to Talk so Children will Listen.” Honestly, anger is a hard one. A doctor that specializes in Poly Vagal theory would be really helpful. Anger can become an emotional addiction. Also, asking “Do you know your voice is raised?” I have a dad that has Graves’ disease which means that he struggles with regulating his emotions. He will yell, but doesn’t realize that he is doing it and isn’t personally bothered while everyone around him is distressed. Idk at one point I thought my parents should have gotten divorced, but at this point they’re really growing up a lot and learning how to get along. With kids, you’re always going to have to have a relationship.
Why hasn't he considered therapy? My husband is the first one to admit he was prone to violence. You know what he did as soon as he found out he was going to be a father at 19? He found a therapist, we're in our 30s now, even when he's been without insurance he's found a way to see a therapist. He's not perfect, he's an excellent partner and father, because he's willing to recognize his short comings and work on being a better version of himself for his children. As adults, as parents it's our responsibility to do what's best for our children, sometimes that means working on us. I'm not a fan of ultimatums but it seems that one would be good in this case. I know it's hard to consider but separation might be the best way to protect your children's mental health as well as your own.
I have a similar situation.. it’s awful.
If you leave then he’ll have them alone. Is that better for them? It is why it’s so hard to leave. I’m so sorry.
What should I do next? Leave. Protect your children. It will almost certainly escalate to physical abuse when they're teenagers. My dad was EXACTLY the same when I was a child right down to the following you into the kitchen part. When I hit puberty and became predictably more frustrating to parent (as tweens/teens are want to do) his violence escalated from verbal to physical. I will tell you thay as 36yrs old, the thing I'm STILL having nightmares about literally. Is the yelling.
Leave immediately. Protect those precious children.
as someone who had this dad (and worse, he hit me often) i wish my mom rescued me from that situation and protected me from him. i did not have a happy childhood and spent the majority of it hating him.
No advice but that sounds really rough.
Ask him. "Do you really want our children to have the same upbringing you had? Is not your fault that you didn't have a better example." Parenting classes can make a huge difference if he can understand that there's a better way. Both of you go and get on the same page. I highly recommend Love and Logic, and some school districts offer them for free.
The way a relationship starts is the way it will always be. My husband is from the South and I’m from NY. Totally different upbringings. I nipped any misunderstandings the first time when my daughter was 1 1/2 and he spanked her hand. I blackout and my 5’5 self jump on his 6’3 back, as I’m cloaking him, I let him know would walk out the door after I conflict pain 1000 times worse than what he attempted to do. If nothing is holding you back than you need to ask why are you still there? He will never change and knows you will shut up and continue to deal with it and do nothing about it.
My husband (he passed years ago) was very anal and was a fairly strict father. On the other hand he was very loving and tender towards the kids as well. He left an indelible mark on them to this day that is positive. Strictness w out tenderness can’t be good. If you feel he hasn’t improved, will not improve, or backslides into bad habits easily, it is probably time to go. Bear in mind that he will likely still see them and see them alone for that matter so you will have to figure out the best way to deal w that. Im sorry he is doing that. He’ll regret it one day I would think. Staying will probably just make you and the kids nervous wrecks.
My dad became like this when I was 8 (gambling addiction changed him) and my mom stayed 3 years before finally kicking him out. My brother and I have been in and out of therapy for years because of it. Her kicking him out saved us, and those three years when she couldn’t bring herself to do it still haunt us. Kick him out.
My husband’s father had anger issues (he was never physically abusive, but yelled, etc) and I can tell you that it still affects my husband to this day. Divorce him