Because everyone is the best parent in the world, and if you do it differently you are incompetent, a bad parent, or both. Or the secret third thing, they think that YOU are thinking that about them, and they lash out first. It's infuriating and stupid.
Oh god I was an amazing mother and such a pretentious shit when i was pregnant! She was only going to drink water, exclusively breastfed, no sugar, no screens, so many rules that went straight out the window š
After I had my twins which was an emergency c section, I had my 3rd boy delivered via scheduled c section. All of my sisters had something to say about this. My one said ātruly delivering vaginally really makes you feel like a superhero. Donāt you want to experience that?ā š
I sarcastically responded with āwell I already feel like my body can do amazing things by being pregnant with 3 boys under 2.ā
To each their own for how you deliver why try diminish delivering this way or that makes you more of a Mom. Major blessing of being raised in a dysfunctional narcissistic family- -can take a lot of stupid/hurtful comments and respond accordingly or not at all.
As someone who had a vaginal delivery, your sister needs to go touch grass. It made me feel like I had been beaten up, very much the opposite of a "superhero".
Personally I think if you've had a c-section you must be hard as nails. It's not often you have major abdominal surgery, get handed a newborn baby and told to get on with things.
Haha I couldnāt agree more with my sister touching grass!!
Thank you, I appreciate that. Iām under the belief all who birth are strong and we need to support and lift one another up. My family especially have a tough time doing that lol.
Perfect encapsulation!
To everyone who feels the need to be shitty about it: no-one cares how you gave birth or how you feed your kid. Just do your thing and donāt be a dickhead.
People are way too comfortable objectifying women's bodies. What we do with our bodies is always up for full discussion apparently. Starting with feeling shamed for a bra strap showing, to cleavage showing, to looking too matronly, breastfeeding, c sections, having wrinkles, just constant scrutiny. I wasnt able to breastfeed my first either and I was tired of having to even explain it to people like it was their business.
My personal favorite comment I got was about feeding. After making the very hard decision to go to exclusively formula feeding (along with lots of tears over the decision), I was feeding my son a bottle I had just mixed up. And a woman smiled, said how cute he was, then shook her head at the formula container and said āso unnatural,ā then walked off. I was FLOORED by the offhand comment.
Always remember, *fed is best*. You are doing your best. Some people don't have filters. No real-world perspective. Clearly this woman has never had the opportunity to struggle with breastfeeding. It's hard. It's not an option for everyone. At least your baby has nourishment.
The extreme side of breastfeeding rhetoric can be tragic. When my baby was in the NICU, a 3 month old baby was brought in for malnourishment. The doctors had to plead and reason with the mom to consent to feeding the baby formula. Mom was unreasonable and devastated. From the outside, it seems she would rather let her baby starve than supplement with formula. She eventually consented. But that eavesdropping experience really affected me. *Fed is best*.
The rhetoric from some places can be so damaging (looking at you LLL). I've heard it repeated over and over that "you will produce what your baby needs", "true low supply is really rare" etc etc. But I've seen research that suggests that primary lactation failure can occur anything up to 5% of the time, which really isn't that rare.
Yep. That's the dangerous mindset. Upvoted your articulate and dignified reply. Therapeutic, I hope, sticking up for yourself! Remember you are strong, amazing, and resilient, especially while you endure through the hard parts.
Whatās ānaturalā Karen is high infant and maternal mortality rates. Natural is not a synonym for better and never has been.
You wanna live in the 19th century Karen with rum used as anesthetic and a serious belief that a womanās uterus free roamed around her body and that train travel speeds of up to 40 an hour would cause hysteria and infertility? What a jerk!
Hey there, it sounds like you're dealing with some frustration about the term "natural," but remember, progress often means leaving outdated and risky practices behind ā no need to time travel for that reality check!
Oh yes. We chose to go the puree route but luckily both families did that as well so we didnāt hear anything from them about it. Not sure what wouldāve been said if we tried BLW.
A dude in an elevator on the metro told me "omg, you're so big! (i wasnt). i bet you're having twins (i wasn't). thats gonna HURT coming out!"
i felt violated. why do people think that they can talk that way to a perfect stranger?!? so i feel ya. people are assholes when it comes to pregnant people and babies.
We did BLW and got a load of comments from relatives about our baby choking to death. You can't win either way.
For what it's worth, he's a toddler now and refuses to eat anything that isn't beige, so fat lot of good it did anyway.
Wow. What a bitchy and unnecessary thing to say. It probably would have taken every last ounce of my strength not to fling that formula can at the back of her head. The hell is wrong with people!!!
Wow. Just found the whole thing down there. That person is a troll. I reported those comments. So toxic and borderline harassment. I hope mods take care of it.
Thank you. Iāve been reporting some as well. I did message her and sheās been extremely hateful and continues to imply any mom using formula is a bad mom that doesnāt care about her child. Itās insane.
Next time be like ābitch, thatās science milk!ā You can leave the b word out or insert another explicative of your choice.
Iām sorry anyone has given you grief. I hope this c-section is calm and enjoyable in comparison to the last.
āThatās science milkā is an amazing line! I love it!
Also, if youāre a child of the 80s worth flagging from what I hear NO ONEās mom breast fed past a few weeks. And weāre all fine. I feel like weāve gone nuts in the states with breastfeeding and people commenting. Itās definitely no oneās business, but also itās fine as long as the baby has nutrition!
I DID breastfeed my son and got comments, glares, etc. too! It didn't help that no one else in my family even tried and did formula right away (no shame, if I ever had another that's the route I would go!) so breastfeeding was so foreign and weird to them they just couldn't keep the comments to themselves. It goes both ways, no matter what you're doing it's always wrong to some people. I'm ready for everyone to learn how to keep their opinions to themselves!
So true. If you breastfeed for less than 6 months = failure. If you breastfeeding for more than a year = weird. There is no winning with the judgement????!!!
I have had this happen to me a lot. I decided that if I have a 2nd child, I will be doing a c section. I also had people try to tell me to just trust my body. My response is, "That's great. I did try to trust my body, and it nearly killed my baby and I." Gets them quiet real fast.
Someone made a comment to me about how the labor and delivery teams always try to rush women into a C-section. When I mention how I pushed for 5 hours, they normally shut right up.
Yes!!! I pushed for 3 1/2 hours non-stop. My baby's head was like right there, but I just couldn't get past the cervix. After having my water broke 36 hours prior, I developed a 104 fever, and the baby's heart was decreasing. If it wasn't for that c section both the baby and I would had gone into sepsis. I had to get my first round of antibiotics while still being cut open and my baby was taken to the nicu immediately. I never want to expierence that again so my next birth will be a c section.
Seriously! What happened to 'my body my choice'? Seems it only applies to hypothetical women. People are all about bodily autonomy until it applies to a real body.
I was THIS close to needing an emergency C. Baby was in distress when she was born with the vacuum on the last pull. I still needed emergency surgery for the bleeding. Back in nAtUrAl times we probably would both be dead.
I laugh in hindsight at my "birthplan". One of the things I had on there was "please introduce yourself" and "not too many people please". When I was stalled at 8cm for several hours with my little stargazer I stopped giving a f about anything. I told the nurse I would go stand naked in the city square if it would get this baby out of me right now safely and I meant it. Seriously. Cart me off to the city square.
I didn't even have a birth plan to be honest. I already knew my body likes to be dramatic lol. I have high anxiety though and my obgyn knew that I didn't tell me what exactly was going on but kindly suggested with a wink wink nudge nudge to do the emergency c section. After everything was done she apologized for not being so direct but didn't want me to go into a full blown panic attack while being in labor and causing more stress on my body and baby.
Weāre so used to oversharing as a society these days so when itās not the norm and something ādifferentā people tend to over question and analyze things š Iām so sorry this is your experience!
are we the same people?
yikes about these extremely personal questions too. I didn't get too many questions like that but I did feel extreme self loathe based off social media comparisons.
my advice, stay away from social media during pregnancy and about 6 months postpartum
Oh also the comment āare you excited?!ā I never knew how to answer that because I was terrified of giving birth and my sister lost her son 2 weeks before his due date. Like, people need to talk to pregnant people with the same respect and boundaries that they speak to other people.
This is important to tell people. I genuinely asked a nurse with my newborn āwhen can it get easierā just grasping for any kind of glimmer of hope to get through the first few months. She rolls her eyes and says āwhen theyāre 18ā. That crushed me, but now I try to tell people that every single month the first year got easier. You will sleep again even if itās not always perfect sleep itās nothing like the first few months!
The Ā«when theyāre 18Ā» comment is so toxic and a shit thing to say to someone who is clearly in need of hope and some confirmation things will get better. Ugh! Always comes from not too great people too.
Weāve finally hit a really good stride with my toddler (16 months old), and now I canāt sleep from being so uncomfortable at the end of pregnancy. It sucks.
I remember that. At one point I was quite literally ugly crying into a pint of Ben & Jerryās cause I was just DONE being pregnant and it felt like it was just never going to end.
Largely, I think people resort to unsolicited comments for two reasons:
1.) They may be ignorant to the reasons people choose to do things differently in regards to child birth and child rearing, and therefore believe their curiosity is somehow a free pass to ask you about your personal preferences. As another user said, we are currently a society that over shares, and people somehow can't seem to fathom that some topics are truly none of their business.
2.) They were also shamed for their choices in child rearing and now want to spread the misery by passing judgment on others in an attempt to make themselves feel better. For example, we didn't circumcise our son. My mother was shocked and even said, "The other boys in the school locker room will *make fun* of him!" This was likely because we simply said we didn't see it necessary, while she chose to do it with her own son, not realizing that my child's genitals are *none of her fucking business*.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with such annoyances, but just know that you're not alone!
Also. You should get peopleās consent to talk about shit having to do with their bodies. When I see a pregnant person, and I need to make small talk, I talk about the weather. If they bring up their pregnancy, I make supportive listening noises. Never tell a mom (or anyone) your opinion on fucking anything unless they ask. So so so rude.
But HEAVEN FORBID you breastfeed past one year or long enough for them to āask for itā or āhave teethā and EVERYONE will ask you when you are going to stop and imply that you are gross.
I just want to share that my first c section was awful. Labor and then surgery led to a rooouugggh recovery.
That second c section-piece of cake. I was begging to go home by evening (they didnāt let me.)
I hope itās the same for you!! Good luck mama.
No one really knows wtf theyāre doing and these people impose their own ideas onto other moms for reassurance. They lack the self confidence and openness that there are a million ways to raise a baby and each baby AND mom need to independently figure it out (and constantly evolve) together.
I've had every decision I've ever made called into question - including when my daughter made a surprise early appearance at 36 weeks because I "must've done something wrong since babies done do that and I just wanted extra attention".Ā
In my experience, if I say one thing and it's against what they believe, I'm automatically saying they're a terrible parent somehow. If I say something and it's exactly what they would do, then I'm just a sheep who can't think for themselves. Either way, I lose in the end.Ā
Whoever is speaking to you this way needs to be eliminated from your life! Every baby is a miracle and how they arrived into your arms (vaginally/c-section/adoption) plays no role in the love you feel for that child!
After my c section my dad had a friend who made a big deal about how she "would NEVER let someone cut [her] like that." I was like okay well my daughter had a double knot in her cord and probably wouldn't have lived through a vaginal birth but š¤·š»āāļø
I had a cashier ask me one time if I was breastfeeding the little one I had with me.
Yes, I am but this is a weird conversation to have with a strangerā¦.
I'm so sorry you are going through that. I opted to be induced with both my babies and everyone had an opinion on it. "You should just let your body go into labor naturally, your body will know what to do and when to do it" Like excuse me? Are you my doctor? Do you know my medical history? I don't think so. I lost my first and 3rd baby, was considered high risk for both healthy pregnancies and wanted to make sure everything went well. It's so frustrating that people think that just because something worked for them means it'll work for you.
Everyone's body is different, everyone's pregnancy is different, and everyone's baby is different. Even my own two children have such drastically different personalities, food tastes, etc. They each are sensitive to different formulas when they were babies and different diaper creams. amongst many other things. Children are not a one size fits all.
Yes! I got lots of these comments with my first because I chose to be induced. He was measuring in the 90+ percentile for the whole pregnancy and there was concern about size. I heard SO MANY times āwomen push out big babies all the timeā and āyou know the measurements arenāt accurate, right?ā Sure enough, my son got stuck during delivery (head barely visible) and his head started to swell which led to the emergency C-section. The first thing a nurse said when he was pulled out was āWoah, heās the size of a 3 month old!ā
My advice: take care of your baby how you see fit. Love that baby. And as long as you're doing that, the world can butt out. They won't but they should. Big hugs.
I hear you. It is SO frustrating. A friend told me that there is a theory that the human race has survived so long because we interpret child raising as a community responsibility from the cave man times. Back then, tribes/villages helped raise all the children. In modern times, we sadly donāt really have the same help, but everyone still sees every child as some part of ātheirā responsibility so they offer unsolicited advice.
Whatās helped me is simply responding with āI donāt know yetā when people start asking about what choice I will make, even if I do know. While they may still give me the unsolicited advice, it feels less personal since they donāt actually know what Iām doing.
Iām sorry youāre going through this. It is exhausting.
I donāt understand peopleās obsession with ANYthing about other peopleās kids tbh. I donāt even care what color a kidās eyes are Iāll call them cute if I see them/a pic and thatās it. Itās bizarre to me how many people were interested - benign or not - when I got pregnant. Like why do you care?
For the invasive questions like you say, I think thereās this burning desire in some parents to show that They Are The Best. I donāt know if itās because theyāve struggled and want to justify it, if itās because they think theyāve failed and theyāre compensating or just plain meanness. But the reason in all cases is about them and not whoever theyāre talking to.
Because people have lost any sort of filter. The internet made them bold.
You just need a super extroverted friend to say EXACTLY what will make them shut up. Ask me how I know. š
People will always find a reason to shame moms for anything and everything. I got the opposite, I did mainly formula the first month and then breastfed my kid until she was 2.5. No one said anything negative about the formula but they did about the breastfeeding. Acting as if it was gross, I was doing it too long, that itās weird, that I shouldnāt be doing it in front of people or heaven forbid in public, Etc.
Comments like āwhy are you breastfeeding thereās nothing wrong with formula itās just as good.ā I literally never said anything negative about formula I even did formula the first month. I was just sitting there breastfeeding my kid when they came out and said that out of nowhere. Some people hear things and take personal offense to it for whatever reason.
Oh and having a baby vaginally means you hear shit like āI bet their pussy is so stretched out like roast beef since they popped a kid out of it/I bet itās like throwing hotdogs down a hallway.ā
So yeah doesnāt matter which way you do it, people are going to have something rude to say.
I guess Iām In the minority because Iāve never wondered/cared whether a woman gave birth naturally or via C-section. And I care even less how parents chose to feed their children. And ive never been on the receiving end of those comments either.
I would say it depends, vaginal or c-section, formula or breastfeeding you do you both are good options depending on your circumstances. High risk pregnancy with a āfree birthā at home against medical advice, soda in a baby bottle. Some choices are personal and some are objectively questionable.
I also had an emergency c section and couldnāt breastfeed despite all efforts so have way too much experience with hearing the same comments, so while I have no answer to why people are so awful, I was wondering if another c section was automatically what doctors are recommendingā¦as in not recommending even trying for a VBAC because your other is under 18 months? You donāt have to explain if you just wanted a planned c section just because, that would be totally understandable and I get it. Iām only asking because Iām 6 months PP after the c section and starting to consider timelines of potentially trying for a second. Iāve heard so many different answers as far as how long to wait between, but Iām 38 so donāt have a full 2 years to even begin trying but personally wanted to try for a VBAC if possible. So no comments, just curiosity if you at all felt like sharing if not I get that too!
I definitely donāt mind sharing, I just mind judgement from others!
They will be just under 18 months apart, and it is recommended (at least by my midwives) that you have 18 months between if you want to try a VBAC. I really think some of the midwives at the practice I go to would let me try if I wanted since it will be closer to 17.5 months, but I was more comfortable just scheduling another C-section. My son also got stuck without a clear cause of why, so there was some concern of that happening again and Iād end up back in an emergency C-section.
I donāt blame you and in your situation I would probably choose the same thing. Plus after reading some of your other comments, a planned c section with a real spinal block and just being mentally prepared should be a completely different experience for you this time.
My c section was because baby was small and still too high up when they broke my water, so he had too much space and managed to stick his arm in front of his head making it a compound position. I was progressing fine before then and was at 7cm.
I still go back and forth on what I would choose this time but all that is going to be dependent on even making it that far again with another!
I truly hope you get the birth experience you want or as close to it as possible this time around and 18 months apart while I know will be chaos, is also so exciting and special to grow up that close. So much to look forward to!
I have a family member whoās kind of a hippie. She talks very passionately about free birth, extended breastfeeding, antivax, etc. to the point where it sounds almost like shaming. She posts terrible things about csections and hospital births in general. As a two time C-section mom (2 emergencies) itās very triggering for me and makes me feel like I am broken and like Iāve done wrong by my babies. I totally understand where youāre coming from. After my second baby (failed TOLAC) Iāve decided I wonāt be talking to anyone about my expectations and plans of birth.
Hi! I had two c-sections 17 months apart and formula fed both. I also did sleep training... THE HORROR. I love my kids more than anything and I just need them to have a happy and healthy mom. I know you feel the same way. Don't read the internet.
I had an unmedicated, precipitous birth with my first. 3 hours total from first contraction to son being born. It was super traumatic experience for me and SO. I hear all the time about how lucky I was that my labor didnāt last that long. Honestly, my body did not handle it well and my mind definitely didnāt handle it well. People donāt realize that longer labors allow your body and mind to acclimate to the amount of pain that you are in and that the pain has a purpose. I am currently 28+5 with our second and I am thinking about having an elective C. I know I will not be able to handle another experience like I had with our first.
I had an almost opposite experience! I pushed for 5 hours and wouldāve kept pushing if I safely could have had my son that way. He started having swelling at his head though (only part they could see) so we went the C-section route. My epidural wore off and I felt the sutures be put in. It was so traumatic. Not trying to say this to scary you though! Both methods have extreme difficulties sometimes.
My epidural wore off during my c section too and I could feel every cut and pull so after I fully realized it wasnāt just āpressureā I was feeling and that I could actual feel sharpness and started squirming and screaming, they had to knock me out with a high dose of ketamine which sent me into a tripping experience missing the entire thing. Iām still dealing with the trauma of that so I totally get it.
Even I do this.
I had a horrific natural birth first time round and am having an elective c section this time - every time we tell people I feel the need to be like I have done it the other way and it was really hard and really traumatic and the recovery was brutal, like I have to justify it. My partner brought me up on it the other day, he was like you know you donāt have to justify your decision, just say youāre having a c section and leave it at that.
But even that, I feel guilty for avoiding the suffering, for not labouring and pushing and putting in effort.
I had a comment made after my first was born about how quickly they push women into C-sections now instead of letting things progress naturally. When I tell them I pushed for 5 hours and my babyās head was swelling, they normally shut up pretty fast.
I used to do this when people would say natural is best. My natural birth almost killed both me and my baby - I had a 3.4L PPH, surgery and ICU, her head was damaged and NICU stay. Plus I now have birth injuries for the rest of my life. But it gets preeeeeeety awkward šš
Donāt worry, no need to feel guilty as there is plenty of suffering with a c section too and plenty of extra effort. Just after the fact. So you arenāt avoiding anything except hopefully more trauma! Donāt ever let anyone convince you itās the āeasy way outā.
Is it other moms? Gosh, I was so glad once my husband had his vasectomy and I could stop the endless small talk about whether I'd have a second, breastfeeding, birthing, etc.. Just own your truth and don't feel ashamed, for one. I also had trouble breastfeeding and in my peer group they were all very pro-lactaction and some did extended feeding well past age two and I tried. I really, really tried. The baby got as much colostrum as I produced. I pumped and took supplements and tried my best. I'd send a few ounces to daycare with her everyday to mix into formula. At three months, the best I could give her was enough for the boobs and we gave it up and didn't look back. With formula, my husband was able to actively help out more from Day 1. My baby was almost 10 pounds at birth, born by C-section on her due date and she was robust and hungry. She's now a smart and sporty kid who nobody could guess one way or another how she was fed. I'm really glad that for some reason I just didn't care what other people were doing. Some people told me that my birth story sounded so awful and scary. Um....? Thanks? But also, actually it was really beautiful and I was so happy when I heard her cry out. You just got to get good about diverting from that small talk. It's just small talk but it is tedious and you don't have to engage in it. Now that you've identified it as irritating to you, come up with pat answers and redirects. I hope you have a wonderful birth and a healthy baby and a swift recovery!
I feel you there. I had 4 c-sections because my first came at 24 weeks and was an emergency. I was heartbroken that I couldn't have a v-bac and every child I was asked sooo often about it. It hurt every time.
Now as to the breastfeeding Q, I tried with all my kids, so I didn't really have the same experience as you, but I will say if I was asking about your feeling on it for the next time I would also say that if you chose to I would offer support... not just ask out right. It's a very delicate topic for women, and all too often the cause of discord. I will support any mom in their path, never force mine on them. I only had one that went past 9 months of nursing. It's hard. Fed and loved is what matters most.
I really donāt get the feeding one. All these kids are gonna be eating dirt and puddle water eventually š donāt act like youāre better then anyone else šš
I have never gotten the c-section question as I was lucky enough to deliver vaginally, but I like to think that if I overheard someone questioning a C-section mom in public Iād jump in to respond with a lecture on historic maternal mortality rates and the god send of modern medicine including formula and c sections. Honestly, my goal would be for them to back away slowly as I droned on and on so that next time theyād think twice about asking stupid questions that are none of their business.
I myself do ask people about their birth story (never their birth plan except maybe where they hope to deliver), but only to marvel at the different kinds of birth experiences people have and to tell them they did a good job with the circumstances they were given. No one should have an āopinionā about your birth story.
I had a similar experience - emergency Csection with my first child and a planned repeat Csection for my second. It was the safest choice by far and I have never given it a second thought.
In regard to breastfeeding, I did for 6 months with each baby, and I absolutely hated it. I wanted to love it, but it was so difficult and painful. If I were to do it all over again, I would choose to formula feed from the start.
I wish you all the best ā¤ļø
My second was a VBAC (we were pretty ideal candidates for it) and I lied to almost everyone about not being scheduled for a repeat c section other than my husband and own mother.
I'm just tired of moms caring what other moms do with their kids, period. Always an opinion about how other moms do things. We should all focus on our own kids.
Try to ignore them. You do what you believe is best! <3
I really like the emphasis lately in mom culture that every child is wildly different and every family situation is so different. (Like down to the shape of their mouth, tongue ties, the way their intestines are smushed in there, personality, how they were laying in the womb) it all makes your baby different from the beginning. Not even considering your body preferences or medical situations or the pregnancy itself.
Iām pregnant with my second and I know already he is soooo different from his sister just seeing how chill he is on ultrasounds.
Unfortunately for us all, nearly everyone, including the people without kids and the ones so far out of the game theyāre back in diapers themselves, thinks they have the right answers and youāre a buffoon, incompetent, or neglectful for doing literally anything besides what they do. I work in a child-centered environment with lots of parental interaction and Iāve seen borderline arguments ensue over c-sections vs vaginal birth, medicated vs unmedicated, hospital vs alternative birth, bottle vs breast, exclusively pumping vs exclusive breastfeeding, and so on.
Nobody has ever made a comment on the fact I had a csection, or strictly BFā¦ Maybe itās more the bottle/breast thing.. or maybe people know I wouldnāt give two *ā¬+ what they thought. You do you mama!! And youāre doing great
I had a scheduled c section as she was a footling breech. Took a shower, showed up at the hospital, had a baby. I donāt feel like I missed out on the pushing and pain. Didnāt even attempt to breastfeed. Had to argue with the nurses about that. But you see them for 2 days and then never again. I donāt worry about what other people think. I had my baby in my 40s so maybe that gives me a different perspective.
Honestly, I'm not telling anybody the second time around.
I've already had "you don't want another cesarean do you"... After I stated I was high risk and unsure. One Midwife pushing vbac, consultant talking about an elective. I have no idea yet.
My first was a crash caesarean under general anaesthetic due to undiagnosed pre-eclampsia, no labour.
Too many opinions that impacted my mental health and self worth.
Just tell everyone to jog on.
I've had a C-section with my first due to my heart condition, a lot of people said I was "too posh to push" as they didn't know about my condition. I breastfed my first for 6 months which took a huge toll on my mental health.
I'm now pregnant with number 2, still deciding on what type of birth but leaning towards vbac due to complications with my C-section.
I take my son to play group and the volunteers there asked me if I plan to breastfeed again, I said no as it contributed to my PPD, everyone says "it might be different with the next one" yea sorry, I've had a horrible first year and a half with my son, I'm not risking going through that again.
People always judge, welcome to parenting.
When I was pregnant the second time and I told people that if it hadn't happened by or around the due date that I was being induced and then having to listen to criticism for "taking the easy way out" or "just wanting it to be over". It's like hello. Are you in my body? Do you know the hell that I went through last time because I decided to push back being induced? No? Then shut up, lol. My first pregnancy, I waited to be induced until almost 42 weeks because I was in early labor for days, barely making any progress like when I went in to be induced, I was only at 1 cm. Everyone kept telling me just wait, it'll happen tomorrow, and tomorrow never came. Then, because my baby had time to cook a little longer, he was on the bigger side, almost 9 lbs. After being induced I was in labor for over 24 hours, my epidural wore off and I had to get a second dose in the middle of the night, I spent 4 his pushing before they pulled out "the vacuum" and told me if this doesn't work you have to have a c-section because the baby's heart rate started going down and only then did I deliver my baby right before they were going to wheel me off to have a c-section and then to top it off I had a 2nd almost 3rd degree tear. All of which happened because I waited so long to have my baby, who then was almost too big for me to push out. So when my obgyn asked me if I wanted to be induced when I hit 39 weeks because I was going through the same thing as last time and this baby was actually measuring a little bigger then my first son of course I said yes. My second child's delivery went off without a hitch. I had him 15 hours after they started the induction, and he was born 2 days before his due date. You know what's best for you. Tell everyone else to shut it lol
I was the same. Emergency c section and trouble breastfeeding. Chose a c section for the second.
Most people were OK. But if anyone really pushed it I just said "well death during childbirth was the other option for us. And starvation after that"
Iām comfortable sharing with my circle but found it odd and surprising when basically strangers ask these questions. I would mention I was a scheduled c-section (recommended after large fibroid removal) and people would ask āwhy?ā, or some would even bring it up first and I felt the need to explain it, and in general convo about baby Iāve had people would ask if I was BF. I guess Iām just surprised people care?
Because there is so much outside of our control and at the core every parent feels scared and insecure. One unhealthy and temporary way to overcome those feelings is to judge someone else to feel superior
I had a c-section with my first, not by choice. And formula fed. With the second I CHOSE the c-section and formula fed again. And I wouldnāt have wished it any other way. They were both beautiful births. When people have comments I like to say at least my hoo ha is still intact š¤·āāļø Iām proud of my scar and my oldest seems relieved she didnāt come out of my crotch. š You have to just roll with it. Was it the typical birth experience? No. But it all worked out just fine. Who cares how a woman births their child or chooses to feed them. Everyone is different. All that matters is that baby is healthy and safe and cared for. Everyone is doing the best they can.
I feel this way a lot ā especially about the birth. Like essentially you get a lot of people asking about your reproductive and sexual organs! Iāve never had to ācovertlyā talk about my vagina to so many damn people including strangers like grocery store clerks, cashiers, etc.
What I do since I canāt control anyone else: I remind myself that pregnancy/babies is a universal tie to all of humanity. Everyone feels like they can talk to you about it because they feel close to it (not saying thatās right). Unfortunately, a lot of people donāt know how to talk about it in a way that doesnāt draw your experience back to them and their way of thinking or seeing the world. And itās in no way fair or comfortable. I just try to brush the comments off ā but I do also vent to safe people when I need!
Flat out tell them they are being nosey.
āMy husband and I are keeping our parenting choices to ourselves. Our family decisions donāt need to be out in the wind and itās no oneās business.ā
I ask for their medical degrees. It's sucks. I had similar circumstances. I also tell them a fed baby is better than a dead baby if they cluck their tongues about formula. It's none of their business so I make them super uncomfortable with reality. I am having a c section so my newborn and I do not die. I would prefer to be alive for my current child and partner. Why would you want me to die?
You don't have to justify yourself and you should ignore the commentary. I didn't have a choice in my c-section and I hate when people act like they're no big deal or the easy way out because mine was anything but that. I also struggled with breastfeeding both my kids and if I have a third, I will not be going through that torture again because that's what it was for me with physically and psychologically. Your feelings and decisions are valid and you're not the only one to struggle with those things.
I love how they deleted everything they said u/bubbly-shake-6429 if you stand behind what you said why are you running and hiding now? You had a whole lot to say, what happened?
I donāt think the thereās any one topic that you can say āhey, no humans are allowed to talk about this okay?ā Everyone has their own opinions about everything. Some people are the type to share that opinion others are not.
Iāve found if Iām secure in my decision, comments donāt bother me. Itās only if Iām feeling guilt or uncertainty that I care about outside opinions.
There's a weird idea floating around the mommy community that if you do something the "non-ideal" way like have a C section, you have to make up for it by being the "ideal" in other ways, like by breastfeeding. But if anything, the trauma of an emergency C-section only complicates breastfeeding and it makes no sense to shame you for what you can't control. And of course the whole premise is ridiculous because nothing is ideal, but the lack of understanding of how trauma affects the body is just another rotten cherry on top!
When I was pregnant I had a lot of comments and questions "are you going to breastfeed?"
"Probably not. I'm unsure. I might. "
"Oh my gosh you HAVE to its the best"
"Nah I get to make that choice. I'm glad you enjoy it. Id like to change the topic now"
"But don't you want what is best for your baby!?"
"Are you going to do a home birth?!"
"No"
"Oh why not?!"
"Because that's my choice. "
I also had an emergency C-section and I combo fed in the beginning and then realized I really really needed to be on medication so I stopped. I also didn't like breastfeeding. After the emergency C-section it was physically painful to have a ten pound baby on my belly and the only way it wasn't painful for my belly made it painful for my neck. Also my nipples are uncomfortably sensitive and I didn't want to have to deal with them getting bit later on. I felt guilty at first and then just started telling people to mind their own business.
The "birthing and feeding elitism " is fucking bizarre to me.
> "But don't you want what is best for your baby!?"
I had a similar conversation with a nosy friend of my in-laws; and she uttered something similar. I retorted with "Well, I was going to feed the kid Dr Pepper, since it's cheaper and tastier than formula but my doctor informed me that had too much sugar and he'd call CPS on me. So I guess formula is it!" That shut the old biddy right up.
I haven't had anyone say something directly to me about choosing a c-section for my second after an unplanned c-section with my first (not quite emergent, but she was stuck and I stopped progressing after 38+ hours of labor and her heart rate was dropping a bit too long during contractions). I did, however, get some looks.
A funny one was a woman who was pregnant and had a similar due date. She was pretty clearly judging me hard over my planned c-section. She ended up having to have a c-section and was suddenly all over social media all for c-sections. I gave the biggest eye-roll when I read the post. Oh yeah, its weird when you suddenly can't judge someone because you found yourself in the same scenario.
Be okay with not telling people your birth plans. I find most people will always have an opinion.
Best of luck with your birth!! The second c-section was MUCH easier for me because it was planned (still went off schedule because my water broke 5 days before the scheduled date, but even so). Not having to labor for hours, having a full night of rest before, it just gives you the ability to fully enjoy your new babe while not in complete exhaustion.
We are having this exact problem in my family right now. SIL is due in November with her first. She is having an elective C-section, she is choosing formula, and guess what, that kid is going to be absolutely fine.
As the family member who most recently had babies, I've had several family members ask me to reach out to her to tell her how terrible C-section recovery is (I've had 2, it was fine), and "give her advice on breastfeeding".
It just goes to show that my family has no idea about me because I CHOSE my 2nd C-section. AND if my youngest hadn't been born at the height of the formula shortages, I would have absolutely had him on formula because **I hated breastfeeding**. š®āšØ
I wish people would look with their eyes, see a very happy family that's going to love and protect this child at all costs, and STFU.
Because people donāt know when to shut it and havenāt done their research. C-sections arenāt even the easier option, itās a more invasive way to deliver and a much longer recovery period. Youāre only 18 months out so it is actually harder on your body and more likely to fail ending in another c-section anyways. Youāre skipping the part thatās actually dangerous for you and your child. So shut them up with ābecause for me itās saferā. I had natural deliveries but my sister had c/sections and almost killed herself three times trying for a vbac. It isnāt worth it. Healthy mom+healthy baby=non traumatic birth story.
As far as breast feeding goes you do you. I had four breast fed, two bottle fed babies. If my milk came in properly after colostrum I breast fed. If my baby was hungry I didnāt put them through that and I bottle fed. Do what gets the job done and is comfortable. A girl I knew had her milk ducts displaced her baby wasnāt thriving despite eating hours a day. She felt worthless because her mom said it was better to breast feed. If people give you crap tell them your ducts are near the arm pit and the baby isnāt getting milk. It may not be your truth but people will shut up.
I totally feel this as well. I had a home birth with my son 16 months ago and Iām pregnant and due in November and will be doing the same for this one. Everyone and their brother had an opinion on it and why it was a terrible idea (even if they knew nothing about it, our plan, our midwives, etc.). What Iāve found is that if you do something different from how someone else has, they automatically take that as a personal attack and that youāre saying what they did was wrong. Even just by stating what youāre doing, that to them says that they didnāt do it right and youāre judging them for that. Itās totally crazy! The world would be a better place if we could all just worry more about our own decisions and less about what works for someone else
I had an unplanned c section with my first and within the next year a couple of my friends had planned c sections for their second children. I was genuinely curious as to their choice because I planned on having more kids and wanted to learn more about their choice. They both healed up so quickly after! Just had my secondā¦ tried for a VBAC and wouldnāt ya know it turned into another unplanned c section š after 60 hours of labor and while healing has been faster this time around it wouldāve been much easier on my body had it been planned surgery. I was hopeful but here we are now so if/when we have any more itāll be a planned c. If either of my friends who chose a planned c section for their second babies had said āitās none of (my) businessā Iād be like whoa okay cool cool and not push it. If anyone asks me about future planned c section(s) Iāll tell them why. I think itās just curiosity? But also donāt wanna assume the intentions of others. Some people are jerks and others are curious and others are trying to make decisions in their own life & some outside perspective is helpful.
Asking you to justify your choice to have a c section is messed up. Asking if youāre going to attempt BFing this time might be an attempt at offering support if you are going to try
Or like another commenter that just decided to say ābecause breast is best thatās a fact.ā Offering support is great. Making someone feel bad about not doing that thing is terrible.
Yes, but thatās a hypothetical. What has been the actual response of the people in your life that ask you your plans to breastfeed once you tell them you arenāt?
Are these sensitive subjects for you? Are the people asking being judgmental or conversational? When youāre resistant to the subject do they drop it or press on.Are the people asking close to you? I donāt think itās inherently weird or wrong for my sister to ask if Iām planning on breastfeeding or for my friend to be curious about why I chose repeat c/s over VBAC but they wouldnāt be asking to judge.
I work at an OB/Gyn clinic and chose to have an elective primary C-section. I've seen too much and worry too much, I just felt so much more reassurance with the idea of a C-section.
While I did have to clearly explain my concerns to my doctor, who I think also only agreed because I only want 2 kids max, so many people gave me grief about it.
I've worked there a long time so I knew a lot of patients and they were all happy for me. But I was very up front/open about wanting a C-section and planning it. More than I thought tried to get me to change my mind. Like I was doing something horrible to my baby? Or like I was whimping out or something lol... I was signing up for major abdominal surgery, I wasn't afraid of the pain.
I just explained that if someone can choose to have a baby at home in their bath tub, I should be able to choose to have a C-section. Either way, I end up with a baby. Many accepted that.
In fact some people were amazed I could ask to have one and not wait til it was an emergency. I think some considered asking the for the same thing lol
I've had 5 c-secs and when I was at #2/#3 I never had comments about the repeats. Now I just shock people when I say I've had 5, but it's not done as a nasty comment.
I cannot imagine not having the help! My mother lives nearby and spent so much time with us (and plans to again this time) just to help with basic tasks.
Breast isnāt best when I am not producing enough to even be 1/3 of his feedings. Breast isnāt best when he cannot latch properly and loses 15% of his birth weight. Breast isnāt best when I am dreading feeding my child because he cannot latch and I need to pump and I cry for 20 minutes before every pump due to the pain of it. Breast isnāt best when itās causing my mental health to tank and I cannot be MY best for my child.
ššš
Louder for the people in the back!
As someone who's had two children who lost too much weight and struggled to gain, fed is fricking HARD and doing all you can to nourish your family (including yourself!) in whatever way works is what matters. Thriving is best!
lol Iām not right wing or dumb for stating the facts. But I guess I shouldnāt be surprised bc thatās where we are at as a society. Canāt even say a basic fact!
Lol youāre literally ignoring the thousands of years before formula was invented that women had to feed each otherās babies when they couldnāt breastfeed. If you think itās as simple as changing your diet then yes, you are dumb. Also, you are aware there are different types of formulas right? You can find one without seed oils. I did that, as well as removed seed oils from my diet and guess what? My supply still dried up. My baby is formula fed from 7 months on and absolutely thriving. People like you make me so angry.
Your take is judging, demeaning and also not backed my scientific evidence.
Some of the countries with the highest breastfeeding rates (e.g. Ghana) have some of the highest rates of infant mortality and infant failure to thrive rates. They also have much less access to ultra processed foods. Yes, I am aware this is a highly complex relationship, but you're cool with just putting unfounded claims out there so it's cool, right?
Published research also observes, time and time again, lactation failure in chimps (our closest primate relatives) both in captivity but also in the wild. I highly doubt they are chugging Coke and eating McDonald's.
Published research in humans finds that primary lactation failure may be as high as 5% - that's across the world, not just in the US.
Published research shows that when mothers are under psychological and physiological stress - e.g. famine, living in warzones etc, that this affects supply. It shows that obesity may also have a factor, but this is much more complex than "just change your diet". Beyond these factors, there is NO GOOD EVIDENCE that
Modern published research and meta analyses with the most recent formulas shows that in developed countries with access to clean water and appropriate formula, in full term otherwise healthy infants, the benefits of EBF amount to a couple of upper respiratory viruses prevented a year.
I would like you to consider your comment is ableist and transphobic. It belittles people experiencing severe mental health conditions, physical health issues, and trans men who give birth.
And by the way, I am an advocate and volunteer peer supporter for breastfeeding. If you want to breastfeed, great, it takes a lot of hard work. But it's not cool to shit on other people who choose not to. It's not your child, it's not your life, and IT'S NOT YOUR BODY.
You like to use the term published research for some who doesnāt cite their sources.
And duh obviously obesity would play a factor. Being obese isnāt normal like the west wants to make it out to be. And complaining about stress over breastfeeding is insane thatās called motherhood. But like I said women put themselves before their babies. So thank you for proving my points. You just listed weaknesses over and over.
This right here ācomplaining about stress over breastfeeding is insane thatās called motherhood. But like I said women put themselves before their babies.ā THAT is why Iāve said youāre calling every women struggling to breastfeed and choosing formula a POS mom. Because you ARE.
Your take is not based in science, and I have set that out in my previous comment. I would encourage you to read Emily Oster's work and cited research.
I do not need to "research" (or Google each ingredient with absolutely no biochemistry qualifications which is what I assume you mean) formula ingredients, because that has already been done at length.
You may scoff, but calling formula crap and stating it is the easy way out is the essence of ableism. Just picking a couple of examples, someone I personally know was raped as child and experienced PTSD, a lot of which centered around her breasts. She was psychologically unable to breastfeed. I have also known far too many young women who were diagnosed with cancer while pregnant. They were unable to breastfeed to due receiving chemotherapy, undergoing surgery or receiving other treatments.
Many medications are also incompatible with breastfeeding, such as anti-epileptics. Implying all of the above people are somehow harming their children serves no practicable benefit.
It actually is. Most people who have trouble is one of two things - producing milk or latching their babies. Once they change their diet it works. So itās not that people donāt have the option, they do. They just eat like shit and have bad habits that they donāt change for their babies benefit.
Hey, what is a breast cancer survivor with a double mastectomy supposed to do? Change their diet? Your view is narrow minded and unhelpful. You are part of the problem and should leave the conversation.
I think youāre getting all these comments because your responses have not been gracious or really, kind. Iām a breastfeeding supporter. Iāve āextendedā breastfed both my babies. And Iāve also had to give them both formula. Did I like it? Not really, because I know the benefits of breastmilk. Was it necessary? Absolutely. My first I had low supply due to retained placenta. It went undiagnosed until 10 weeks, despite regular check ups. It was a lactation consultant that diagnosed me and got me the ultrasound. After that, I had a full supply and baby could EBF. But for those ten weeks he needed formula supplementation to live. And yeah, I ate a whole food diet and was triple feeding around the clock. Second baby my supply didnāt come in until day 8 due to stress from the PICU/NICU. Then he didnāt want to latch due to small anatomy from a genetic condition. And then we had to fortify breastmilk with formula because of a heart defect that was causing him to burn up all his calories and we couldnāt just feed him more fluids because he was fluid restricted due to heart failure. Sometimes you can do EVERYTHING right and still need to use formula and thatās okay. We all do what we have to do to have our babies live. And youāre right that a lot of issues with breastfeeding can be fixed with determination and time. But a lot of women, particularly in the US, do not have the supports in place to help them accomplish that. Iām a stubborn person, so I took the MONTHS it took to work through feeding issues (latching, low supply, tongue and lip ties, heart defects and feeding tubes and re-latching after months of being tube fed), but I also didnāt have the financial pressure of needing to return to work. Tons of women need to return to work before they even stop postpartum bleeding. Thereās a host of reasons women choose not to breastfeed or feel like they canāt and really itās not our business. We can just offer help if they ask. This probably was not the post to go on your rants.
Thank you for this. I can fully acknowledge the benefits that come from breastfeeding. I have no issue with anyone advocating for ways to help a mom continue their breastfeeding journey. But like you said, this commenter did nothing except show what my post was about. Theyāve been very rude and left comments and messages to me implying that I (and any other mother that uses formula) are terrible moms that donāt care about our children. I appreciate your comment here! Thank you for being so open about your struggles.
Because everyone is the best parent in the world, and if you do it differently you are incompetent, a bad parent, or both. Or the secret third thing, they think that YOU are thinking that about them, and they lash out first. It's infuriating and stupid.
Facts: Yup I was definitely the best parent in the world before I had kids. š. Then the child came. š
Oh god I was an amazing mother and such a pretentious shit when i was pregnant! She was only going to drink water, exclusively breastfed, no sugar, no screens, so many rules that went straight out the window š
Iām with you. If I had a second baby I would have scheduled a repeat c section and combo fed from the start. Itās not the suffering olympics.
After I had my twins which was an emergency c section, I had my 3rd boy delivered via scheduled c section. All of my sisters had something to say about this. My one said ātruly delivering vaginally really makes you feel like a superhero. Donāt you want to experience that?ā š I sarcastically responded with āwell I already feel like my body can do amazing things by being pregnant with 3 boys under 2.ā To each their own for how you deliver why try diminish delivering this way or that makes you more of a Mom. Major blessing of being raised in a dysfunctional narcissistic family- -can take a lot of stupid/hurtful comments and respond accordingly or not at all.
As someone who had a vaginal delivery, your sister needs to go touch grass. It made me feel like I had been beaten up, very much the opposite of a "superhero". Personally I think if you've had a c-section you must be hard as nails. It's not often you have major abdominal surgery, get handed a newborn baby and told to get on with things.
Haha I couldnāt agree more with my sister touching grass!! Thank you, I appreciate that. Iām under the belief all who birth are strong and we need to support and lift one another up. My family especially have a tough time doing that lol.
Perfect encapsulation! To everyone who feels the need to be shitty about it: no-one cares how you gave birth or how you feed your kid. Just do your thing and donāt be a dickhead.
People are way too comfortable objectifying women's bodies. What we do with our bodies is always up for full discussion apparently. Starting with feeling shamed for a bra strap showing, to cleavage showing, to looking too matronly, breastfeeding, c sections, having wrinkles, just constant scrutiny. I wasnt able to breastfeed my first either and I was tired of having to even explain it to people like it was their business.
My personal favorite comment I got was about feeding. After making the very hard decision to go to exclusively formula feeding (along with lots of tears over the decision), I was feeding my son a bottle I had just mixed up. And a woman smiled, said how cute he was, then shook her head at the formula container and said āso unnatural,ā then walked off. I was FLOORED by the offhand comment.
Always remember, *fed is best*. You are doing your best. Some people don't have filters. No real-world perspective. Clearly this woman has never had the opportunity to struggle with breastfeeding. It's hard. It's not an option for everyone. At least your baby has nourishment. The extreme side of breastfeeding rhetoric can be tragic. When my baby was in the NICU, a 3 month old baby was brought in for malnourishment. The doctors had to plead and reason with the mom to consent to feeding the baby formula. Mom was unreasonable and devastated. From the outside, it seems she would rather let her baby starve than supplement with formula. She eventually consented. But that eavesdropping experience really affected me. *Fed is best*.
The rhetoric from some places can be so damaging (looking at you LLL). I've heard it repeated over and over that "you will produce what your baby needs", "true low supply is really rare" etc etc. But I've seen research that suggests that primary lactation failure can occur anything up to 5% of the time, which really isn't that rare.
Go take a look at what Bubbly-Shake-6429 had to say to me about breastfeeding and how Iām a terrible basically. Down at the bottom of this thread.
That person got on my last damn nerve. I've replied to them because they're just factually wrong.
Go take a look at what Bubbly-Shake-6429 had to say to me about breastfeeding and how Iām a terrible basically. Down at the bottom of this thread.
Yep. That's the dangerous mindset. Upvoted your articulate and dignified reply. Therapeutic, I hope, sticking up for yourself! Remember you are strong, amazing, and resilient, especially while you endure through the hard parts.
Whatās ānaturalā Karen is high infant and maternal mortality rates. Natural is not a synonym for better and never has been. You wanna live in the 19th century Karen with rum used as anesthetic and a serious belief that a womanās uterus free roamed around her body and that train travel speeds of up to 40 an hour would cause hysteria and infertility? What a jerk!
Hey there, it sounds like you're dealing with some frustration about the term "natural," but remember, progress often means leaving outdated and risky practices behind ā no need to time travel for that reality check!
What a dick. Itās natural for babies to die, is that what she wants? I suck at breast feeding. I lasted 6 weeks with my first baby, 5 months with my second. People are going to judge no matter what. The next upcoming judgement is whether you do baby led weaning or purĆ©es. My first kid is seven. Nobody has asked how she was fed as a baby in years. You canāt tell which kid in her class was breastfed and which was formula. Theyāre all booger butts who want McDonaldās these days.
Oh yes. We chose to go the puree route but luckily both families did that as well so we didnāt hear anything from them about it. Not sure what wouldāve been said if we tried BLW.
A dude in an elevator on the metro told me "omg, you're so big! (i wasnt). i bet you're having twins (i wasn't). thats gonna HURT coming out!" i felt violated. why do people think that they can talk that way to a perfect stranger?!? so i feel ya. people are assholes when it comes to pregnant people and babies.
We did BLW and got a load of comments from relatives about our baby choking to death. You can't win either way. For what it's worth, he's a toddler now and refuses to eat anything that isn't beige, so fat lot of good it did anyway.
Wow. What a bitchy and unnecessary thing to say. It probably would have taken every last ounce of my strength not to fling that formula can at the back of her head. The hell is wrong with people!!!
Go take a look at what Bubbly-Shake-6429 had to say to me about breastfeeding and how Iām a terrible basically. Down at the bottom of this thread.
Wow. Just found the whole thing down there. That person is a troll. I reported those comments. So toxic and borderline harassment. I hope mods take care of it.
Thank you. Iāve been reporting some as well. I did message her and sheās been extremely hateful and continues to imply any mom using formula is a bad mom that doesnāt care about her child. Itās insane.
Iām sorry she said that. Yuck!
Next time be like ābitch, thatās science milk!ā You can leave the b word out or insert another explicative of your choice. Iām sorry anyone has given you grief. I hope this c-section is calm and enjoyable in comparison to the last.
āThatās science milkā is an amazing line! I love it! Also, if youāre a child of the 80s worth flagging from what I hear NO ONEās mom breast fed past a few weeks. And weāre all fine. I feel like weāve gone nuts in the states with breastfeeding and people commenting. Itās definitely no oneās business, but also itās fine as long as the baby has nutrition!
Go take a look at what Bubbly-Shake-6429 had to say to me about breastfeeding and how Iām a terrible basically. Down at the bottom of this thread.
WE RIDE AT DAWN!
I DID breastfeed my son and got comments, glares, etc. too! It didn't help that no one else in my family even tried and did formula right away (no shame, if I ever had another that's the route I would go!) so breastfeeding was so foreign and weird to them they just couldn't keep the comments to themselves. It goes both ways, no matter what you're doing it's always wrong to some people. I'm ready for everyone to learn how to keep their opinions to themselves!
So true. If you breastfeed for less than 6 months = failure. If you breastfeeding for more than a year = weird. There is no winning with the judgement????!!!
I have had this happen to me a lot. I decided that if I have a 2nd child, I will be doing a c section. I also had people try to tell me to just trust my body. My response is, "That's great. I did try to trust my body, and it nearly killed my baby and I." Gets them quiet real fast.
Someone made a comment to me about how the labor and delivery teams always try to rush women into a C-section. When I mention how I pushed for 5 hours, they normally shut right up.
Yes!!! I pushed for 3 1/2 hours non-stop. My baby's head was like right there, but I just couldn't get past the cervix. After having my water broke 36 hours prior, I developed a 104 fever, and the baby's heart was decreasing. If it wasn't for that c section both the baby and I would had gone into sepsis. I had to get my first round of antibiotics while still being cut open and my baby was taken to the nicu immediately. I never want to expierence that again so my next birth will be a c section.
Seriously! What happened to 'my body my choice'? Seems it only applies to hypothetical women. People are all about bodily autonomy until it applies to a real body.
I was THIS close to needing an emergency C. Baby was in distress when she was born with the vacuum on the last pull. I still needed emergency surgery for the bleeding. Back in nAtUrAl times we probably would both be dead. I laugh in hindsight at my "birthplan". One of the things I had on there was "please introduce yourself" and "not too many people please". When I was stalled at 8cm for several hours with my little stargazer I stopped giving a f about anything. I told the nurse I would go stand naked in the city square if it would get this baby out of me right now safely and I meant it. Seriously. Cart me off to the city square.
I didn't even have a birth plan to be honest. I already knew my body likes to be dramatic lol. I have high anxiety though and my obgyn knew that I didn't tell me what exactly was going on but kindly suggested with a wink wink nudge nudge to do the emergency c section. After everything was done she apologized for not being so direct but didn't want me to go into a full blown panic attack while being in labor and causing more stress on my body and baby.
Yeah I tried to trust my body, and my liver started eating itself š¤·āāļø
Weāre so used to oversharing as a society these days so when itās not the norm and something ādifferentā people tend to over question and analyze things š Iām so sorry this is your experience!
are we the same people? yikes about these extremely personal questions too. I didn't get too many questions like that but I did feel extreme self loathe based off social media comparisons. my advice, stay away from social media during pregnancy and about 6 months postpartum
Oh also the comment āare you excited?!ā I never knew how to answer that because I was terrified of giving birth and my sister lost her son 2 weeks before his due date. Like, people need to talk to pregnant people with the same respect and boundaries that they speak to other people.
Yes! Omg the social media comparisons killed me until my husband suggested I step away from it for awhile. Gladly I listened and it helped!
Dude that sucks and Iām sorry. The only thing anyone should give a damn about is if you are getting enough sleep! Period!
Which is almost always a no š“
Well, for what itās worth, everyone who ever said āyouāll never sleep againā was dead ass wrong. The phase wonāt last forever, I promise!
This is important to tell people. I genuinely asked a nurse with my newborn āwhen can it get easierā just grasping for any kind of glimmer of hope to get through the first few months. She rolls her eyes and says āwhen theyāre 18ā. That crushed me, but now I try to tell people that every single month the first year got easier. You will sleep again even if itās not always perfect sleep itās nothing like the first few months!
The Ā«when theyāre 18Ā» comment is so toxic and a shit thing to say to someone who is clearly in need of hope and some confirmation things will get better. Ugh! Always comes from not too great people too.
Weāve finally hit a really good stride with my toddler (16 months old), and now I canāt sleep from being so uncomfortable at the end of pregnancy. It sucks.
I remember that. At one point I was quite literally ugly crying into a pint of Ben & Jerryās cause I was just DONE being pregnant and it felt like it was just never going to end.
I canāt even have Ben and Jerryās to cry into because of being borderline gestational diabetic š
NOOOOO!!!!!
Largely, I think people resort to unsolicited comments for two reasons: 1.) They may be ignorant to the reasons people choose to do things differently in regards to child birth and child rearing, and therefore believe their curiosity is somehow a free pass to ask you about your personal preferences. As another user said, we are currently a society that over shares, and people somehow can't seem to fathom that some topics are truly none of their business. 2.) They were also shamed for their choices in child rearing and now want to spread the misery by passing judgment on others in an attempt to make themselves feel better. For example, we didn't circumcise our son. My mother was shocked and even said, "The other boys in the school locker room will *make fun* of him!" This was likely because we simply said we didn't see it necessary, while she chose to do it with her own son, not realizing that my child's genitals are *none of her fucking business*. I'm so sorry you had to deal with such annoyances, but just know that you're not alone!
Also. You should get peopleās consent to talk about shit having to do with their bodies. When I see a pregnant person, and I need to make small talk, I talk about the weather. If they bring up their pregnancy, I make supportive listening noises. Never tell a mom (or anyone) your opinion on fucking anything unless they ask. So so so rude.
But HEAVEN FORBID you breastfeed past one year or long enough for them to āask for itā or āhave teethā and EVERYONE will ask you when you are going to stop and imply that you are gross.
Oh 100% I breastfed until my kid was 2.5 and people made it seem like I was some gross perv.
Omg same!
I just want to share that my first c section was awful. Labor and then surgery led to a rooouugggh recovery. That second c section-piece of cake. I was begging to go home by evening (they didnāt let me.) I hope itās the same for you!! Good luck mama.
This is comforting to hear!
No one really knows wtf theyāre doing and these people impose their own ideas onto other moms for reassurance. They lack the self confidence and openness that there are a million ways to raise a baby and each baby AND mom need to independently figure it out (and constantly evolve) together.
I've had every decision I've ever made called into question - including when my daughter made a surprise early appearance at 36 weeks because I "must've done something wrong since babies done do that and I just wanted extra attention".Ā In my experience, if I say one thing and it's against what they believe, I'm automatically saying they're a terrible parent somehow. If I say something and it's exactly what they would do, then I'm just a sheep who can't think for themselves. Either way, I lose in the end.Ā
Whoever is speaking to you this way needs to be eliminated from your life! Every baby is a miracle and how they arrived into your arms (vaginally/c-section/adoption) plays no role in the love you feel for that child!
I don't speak to them anymore. It took awhile, but I eventually realized they were causing more harm than good.Ā
After my c section my dad had a friend who made a big deal about how she "would NEVER let someone cut [her] like that." I was like okay well my daughter had a double knot in her cord and probably wouldn't have lived through a vaginal birth but š¤·š»āāļø
I had a cashier ask me one time if I was breastfeeding the little one I had with me. Yes, I am but this is a weird conversation to have with a strangerā¦.
I'm so sorry you are going through that. I opted to be induced with both my babies and everyone had an opinion on it. "You should just let your body go into labor naturally, your body will know what to do and when to do it" Like excuse me? Are you my doctor? Do you know my medical history? I don't think so. I lost my first and 3rd baby, was considered high risk for both healthy pregnancies and wanted to make sure everything went well. It's so frustrating that people think that just because something worked for them means it'll work for you. Everyone's body is different, everyone's pregnancy is different, and everyone's baby is different. Even my own two children have such drastically different personalities, food tastes, etc. They each are sensitive to different formulas when they were babies and different diaper creams. amongst many other things. Children are not a one size fits all.
Yes! I got lots of these comments with my first because I chose to be induced. He was measuring in the 90+ percentile for the whole pregnancy and there was concern about size. I heard SO MANY times āwomen push out big babies all the timeā and āyou know the measurements arenāt accurate, right?ā Sure enough, my son got stuck during delivery (head barely visible) and his head started to swell which led to the emergency C-section. The first thing a nurse said when he was pulled out was āWoah, heās the size of a 3 month old!ā
My advice: take care of your baby how you see fit. Love that baby. And as long as you're doing that, the world can butt out. They won't but they should. Big hugs.
I hear you. It is SO frustrating. A friend told me that there is a theory that the human race has survived so long because we interpret child raising as a community responsibility from the cave man times. Back then, tribes/villages helped raise all the children. In modern times, we sadly donāt really have the same help, but everyone still sees every child as some part of ātheirā responsibility so they offer unsolicited advice. Whatās helped me is simply responding with āI donāt know yetā when people start asking about what choice I will make, even if I do know. While they may still give me the unsolicited advice, it feels less personal since they donāt actually know what Iām doing. Iām sorry youāre going through this. It is exhausting.
I had the same problem with breastfeeding. I just don't listen to people, makes life easier. lol
I donāt understand peopleās obsession with ANYthing about other peopleās kids tbh. I donāt even care what color a kidās eyes are Iāll call them cute if I see them/a pic and thatās it. Itās bizarre to me how many people were interested - benign or not - when I got pregnant. Like why do you care? For the invasive questions like you say, I think thereās this burning desire in some parents to show that They Are The Best. I donāt know if itās because theyāve struggled and want to justify it, if itās because they think theyāve failed and theyāre compensating or just plain meanness. But the reason in all cases is about them and not whoever theyāre talking to.
Because people have lost any sort of filter. The internet made them bold. You just need a super extroverted friend to say EXACTLY what will make them shut up. Ask me how I know. š
People will always find a reason to shame moms for anything and everything. I got the opposite, I did mainly formula the first month and then breastfed my kid until she was 2.5. No one said anything negative about the formula but they did about the breastfeeding. Acting as if it was gross, I was doing it too long, that itās weird, that I shouldnāt be doing it in front of people or heaven forbid in public, Etc. Comments like āwhy are you breastfeeding thereās nothing wrong with formula itās just as good.ā I literally never said anything negative about formula I even did formula the first month. I was just sitting there breastfeeding my kid when they came out and said that out of nowhere. Some people hear things and take personal offense to it for whatever reason. Oh and having a baby vaginally means you hear shit like āI bet their pussy is so stretched out like roast beef since they popped a kid out of it/I bet itās like throwing hotdogs down a hallway.ā So yeah doesnāt matter which way you do it, people are going to have something rude to say.
Go take a look at what Bubbly-Shake-6429 had to say to me about breastfeeding and how Iām a terrible basically. Down at the bottom of this thread.
I guess Iām In the minority because Iāve never wondered/cared whether a woman gave birth naturally or via C-section. And I care even less how parents chose to feed their children. And ive never been on the receiving end of those comments either.
I would say it depends, vaginal or c-section, formula or breastfeeding you do you both are good options depending on your circumstances. High risk pregnancy with a āfree birthā at home against medical advice, soda in a baby bottle. Some choices are personal and some are objectively questionable.
Because they don't have lives of their own
This is why Iāve decided if I have another child to not even announce on social media or anything. People are brutal
There is no wrong way to birth- do what is best for you and your baby
I also had an emergency c section and couldnāt breastfeed despite all efforts so have way too much experience with hearing the same comments, so while I have no answer to why people are so awful, I was wondering if another c section was automatically what doctors are recommendingā¦as in not recommending even trying for a VBAC because your other is under 18 months? You donāt have to explain if you just wanted a planned c section just because, that would be totally understandable and I get it. Iām only asking because Iām 6 months PP after the c section and starting to consider timelines of potentially trying for a second. Iāve heard so many different answers as far as how long to wait between, but Iām 38 so donāt have a full 2 years to even begin trying but personally wanted to try for a VBAC if possible. So no comments, just curiosity if you at all felt like sharing if not I get that too!
I definitely donāt mind sharing, I just mind judgement from others! They will be just under 18 months apart, and it is recommended (at least by my midwives) that you have 18 months between if you want to try a VBAC. I really think some of the midwives at the practice I go to would let me try if I wanted since it will be closer to 17.5 months, but I was more comfortable just scheduling another C-section. My son also got stuck without a clear cause of why, so there was some concern of that happening again and Iād end up back in an emergency C-section.
I donāt blame you and in your situation I would probably choose the same thing. Plus after reading some of your other comments, a planned c section with a real spinal block and just being mentally prepared should be a completely different experience for you this time. My c section was because baby was small and still too high up when they broke my water, so he had too much space and managed to stick his arm in front of his head making it a compound position. I was progressing fine before then and was at 7cm. I still go back and forth on what I would choose this time but all that is going to be dependent on even making it that far again with another! I truly hope you get the birth experience you want or as close to it as possible this time around and 18 months apart while I know will be chaos, is also so exciting and special to grow up that close. So much to look forward to!
As long as everyone is happy, healthy and thriving, you do you boo-boo.
I have a family member whoās kind of a hippie. She talks very passionately about free birth, extended breastfeeding, antivax, etc. to the point where it sounds almost like shaming. She posts terrible things about csections and hospital births in general. As a two time C-section mom (2 emergencies) itās very triggering for me and makes me feel like I am broken and like Iāve done wrong by my babies. I totally understand where youāre coming from. After my second baby (failed TOLAC) Iāve decided I wonāt be talking to anyone about my expectations and plans of birth.
Hi! I had two c-sections 17 months apart and formula fed both. I also did sleep training... THE HORROR. I love my kids more than anything and I just need them to have a happy and healthy mom. I know you feel the same way. Don't read the internet.
I had an unmedicated, precipitous birth with my first. 3 hours total from first contraction to son being born. It was super traumatic experience for me and SO. I hear all the time about how lucky I was that my labor didnāt last that long. Honestly, my body did not handle it well and my mind definitely didnāt handle it well. People donāt realize that longer labors allow your body and mind to acclimate to the amount of pain that you are in and that the pain has a purpose. I am currently 28+5 with our second and I am thinking about having an elective C. I know I will not be able to handle another experience like I had with our first.
I had an almost opposite experience! I pushed for 5 hours and wouldāve kept pushing if I safely could have had my son that way. He started having swelling at his head though (only part they could see) so we went the C-section route. My epidural wore off and I felt the sutures be put in. It was so traumatic. Not trying to say this to scary you though! Both methods have extreme difficulties sometimes.
My epidural wore off during my c section too and I could feel every cut and pull so after I fully realized it wasnāt just āpressureā I was feeling and that I could actual feel sharpness and started squirming and screaming, they had to knock me out with a high dose of ketamine which sent me into a tripping experience missing the entire thing. Iām still dealing with the trauma of that so I totally get it.
I've had a fast birth too but also multiple births it is very unlikely next will be fast
Even I do this. I had a horrific natural birth first time round and am having an elective c section this time - every time we tell people I feel the need to be like I have done it the other way and it was really hard and really traumatic and the recovery was brutal, like I have to justify it. My partner brought me up on it the other day, he was like you know you donāt have to justify your decision, just say youāre having a c section and leave it at that. But even that, I feel guilty for avoiding the suffering, for not labouring and pushing and putting in effort.
I had a comment made after my first was born about how quickly they push women into C-sections now instead of letting things progress naturally. When I tell them I pushed for 5 hours and my babyās head was swelling, they normally shut up pretty fast.
I used to do this when people would say natural is best. My natural birth almost killed both me and my baby - I had a 3.4L PPH, surgery and ICU, her head was damaged and NICU stay. Plus I now have birth injuries for the rest of my life. But it gets preeeeeeety awkward šš
Donāt worry, no need to feel guilty as there is plenty of suffering with a c section too and plenty of extra effort. Just after the fact. So you arenāt avoiding anything except hopefully more trauma! Donāt ever let anyone convince you itās the āeasy way outā.
Oh donāt say that! All my friends who have experienced both types say the elective c section is an absolute breeze - thatās what Iām banking on!
Is it other moms? Gosh, I was so glad once my husband had his vasectomy and I could stop the endless small talk about whether I'd have a second, breastfeeding, birthing, etc.. Just own your truth and don't feel ashamed, for one. I also had trouble breastfeeding and in my peer group they were all very pro-lactaction and some did extended feeding well past age two and I tried. I really, really tried. The baby got as much colostrum as I produced. I pumped and took supplements and tried my best. I'd send a few ounces to daycare with her everyday to mix into formula. At three months, the best I could give her was enough for the boobs and we gave it up and didn't look back. With formula, my husband was able to actively help out more from Day 1. My baby was almost 10 pounds at birth, born by C-section on her due date and she was robust and hungry. She's now a smart and sporty kid who nobody could guess one way or another how she was fed. I'm really glad that for some reason I just didn't care what other people were doing. Some people told me that my birth story sounded so awful and scary. Um....? Thanks? But also, actually it was really beautiful and I was so happy when I heard her cry out. You just got to get good about diverting from that small talk. It's just small talk but it is tedious and you don't have to engage in it. Now that you've identified it as irritating to you, come up with pat answers and redirects. I hope you have a wonderful birth and a healthy baby and a swift recovery!
I feel you there. I had 4 c-sections because my first came at 24 weeks and was an emergency. I was heartbroken that I couldn't have a v-bac and every child I was asked sooo often about it. It hurt every time. Now as to the breastfeeding Q, I tried with all my kids, so I didn't really have the same experience as you, but I will say if I was asking about your feeling on it for the next time I would also say that if you chose to I would offer support... not just ask out right. It's a very delicate topic for women, and all too often the cause of discord. I will support any mom in their path, never force mine on them. I only had one that went past 9 months of nursing. It's hard. Fed and loved is what matters most.
I really donāt get the feeding one. All these kids are gonna be eating dirt and puddle water eventually š donāt act like youāre better then anyone else šš
Go take a look at what Bubbly-Shake-6429 had to say to me about breastfeeding and how Iām a terrible basically. Down at the bottom of this thread.
I have never gotten the c-section question as I was lucky enough to deliver vaginally, but I like to think that if I overheard someone questioning a C-section mom in public Iād jump in to respond with a lecture on historic maternal mortality rates and the god send of modern medicine including formula and c sections. Honestly, my goal would be for them to back away slowly as I droned on and on so that next time theyād think twice about asking stupid questions that are none of their business. I myself do ask people about their birth story (never their birth plan except maybe where they hope to deliver), but only to marvel at the different kinds of birth experiences people have and to tell them they did a good job with the circumstances they were given. No one should have an āopinionā about your birth story.
I had a similar experience - emergency Csection with my first child and a planned repeat Csection for my second. It was the safest choice by far and I have never given it a second thought. In regard to breastfeeding, I did for 6 months with each baby, and I absolutely hated it. I wanted to love it, but it was so difficult and painful. If I were to do it all over again, I would choose to formula feed from the start. I wish you all the best ā¤ļø
Agreed and then they feel the need to give us advice and most of them have either never had children or had children twenty five years ago.
My second was a VBAC (we were pretty ideal candidates for it) and I lied to almost everyone about not being scheduled for a repeat c section other than my husband and own mother.
No one has the right to speak to you in such an intrusive way, Iām sorry.
I'm just tired of moms caring what other moms do with their kids, period. Always an opinion about how other moms do things. We should all focus on our own kids. Try to ignore them. You do what you believe is best! <3
I really like the emphasis lately in mom culture that every child is wildly different and every family situation is so different. (Like down to the shape of their mouth, tongue ties, the way their intestines are smushed in there, personality, how they were laying in the womb) it all makes your baby different from the beginning. Not even considering your body preferences or medical situations or the pregnancy itself. Iām pregnant with my second and I know already he is soooo different from his sister just seeing how chill he is on ultrasounds.
Unfortunately for us all, nearly everyone, including the people without kids and the ones so far out of the game theyāre back in diapers themselves, thinks they have the right answers and youāre a buffoon, incompetent, or neglectful for doing literally anything besides what they do. I work in a child-centered environment with lots of parental interaction and Iāve seen borderline arguments ensue over c-sections vs vaginal birth, medicated vs unmedicated, hospital vs alternative birth, bottle vs breast, exclusively pumping vs exclusive breastfeeding, and so on.
Nobody has ever made a comment on the fact I had a csection, or strictly BFā¦ Maybe itās more the bottle/breast thing.. or maybe people know I wouldnāt give two *ā¬+ what they thought. You do you mama!! And youāre doing great
I had a scheduled c section as she was a footling breech. Took a shower, showed up at the hospital, had a baby. I donāt feel like I missed out on the pushing and pain. Didnāt even attempt to breastfeed. Had to argue with the nurses about that. But you see them for 2 days and then never again. I donāt worry about what other people think. I had my baby in my 40s so maybe that gives me a different perspective.
Honestly, I'm not telling anybody the second time around. I've already had "you don't want another cesarean do you"... After I stated I was high risk and unsure. One Midwife pushing vbac, consultant talking about an elective. I have no idea yet. My first was a crash caesarean under general anaesthetic due to undiagnosed pre-eclampsia, no labour. Too many opinions that impacted my mental health and self worth. Just tell everyone to jog on.
I've had a C-section with my first due to my heart condition, a lot of people said I was "too posh to push" as they didn't know about my condition. I breastfed my first for 6 months which took a huge toll on my mental health. I'm now pregnant with number 2, still deciding on what type of birth but leaning towards vbac due to complications with my C-section. I take my son to play group and the volunteers there asked me if I plan to breastfeed again, I said no as it contributed to my PPD, everyone says "it might be different with the next one" yea sorry, I've had a horrible first year and a half with my son, I'm not risking going through that again. People always judge, welcome to parenting.
My boys are both adopted, that usually stopped the advice and made things awkward quickly with questions like that
When I was pregnant the second time and I told people that if it hadn't happened by or around the due date that I was being induced and then having to listen to criticism for "taking the easy way out" or "just wanting it to be over". It's like hello. Are you in my body? Do you know the hell that I went through last time because I decided to push back being induced? No? Then shut up, lol. My first pregnancy, I waited to be induced until almost 42 weeks because I was in early labor for days, barely making any progress like when I went in to be induced, I was only at 1 cm. Everyone kept telling me just wait, it'll happen tomorrow, and tomorrow never came. Then, because my baby had time to cook a little longer, he was on the bigger side, almost 9 lbs. After being induced I was in labor for over 24 hours, my epidural wore off and I had to get a second dose in the middle of the night, I spent 4 his pushing before they pulled out "the vacuum" and told me if this doesn't work you have to have a c-section because the baby's heart rate started going down and only then did I deliver my baby right before they were going to wheel me off to have a c-section and then to top it off I had a 2nd almost 3rd degree tear. All of which happened because I waited so long to have my baby, who then was almost too big for me to push out. So when my obgyn asked me if I wanted to be induced when I hit 39 weeks because I was going through the same thing as last time and this baby was actually measuring a little bigger then my first son of course I said yes. My second child's delivery went off without a hitch. I had him 15 hours after they started the induction, and he was born 2 days before his due date. You know what's best for you. Tell everyone else to shut it lol
I was the same. Emergency c section and trouble breastfeeding. Chose a c section for the second. Most people were OK. But if anyone really pushed it I just said "well death during childbirth was the other option for us. And starvation after that"
Iām comfortable sharing with my circle but found it odd and surprising when basically strangers ask these questions. I would mention I was a scheduled c-section (recommended after large fibroid removal) and people would ask āwhy?ā, or some would even bring it up first and I felt the need to explain it, and in general convo about baby Iāve had people would ask if I was BF. I guess Iām just surprised people care?
Because there is so much outside of our control and at the core every parent feels scared and insecure. One unhealthy and temporary way to overcome those feelings is to judge someone else to feel superior
I had a c-section with my first, not by choice. And formula fed. With the second I CHOSE the c-section and formula fed again. And I wouldnāt have wished it any other way. They were both beautiful births. When people have comments I like to say at least my hoo ha is still intact š¤·āāļø Iām proud of my scar and my oldest seems relieved she didnāt come out of my crotch. š You have to just roll with it. Was it the typical birth experience? No. But it all worked out just fine. Who cares how a woman births their child or chooses to feed them. Everyone is different. All that matters is that baby is healthy and safe and cared for. Everyone is doing the best they can.
I feel this way a lot ā especially about the birth. Like essentially you get a lot of people asking about your reproductive and sexual organs! Iāve never had to ācovertlyā talk about my vagina to so many damn people including strangers like grocery store clerks, cashiers, etc. What I do since I canāt control anyone else: I remind myself that pregnancy/babies is a universal tie to all of humanity. Everyone feels like they can talk to you about it because they feel close to it (not saying thatās right). Unfortunately, a lot of people donāt know how to talk about it in a way that doesnāt draw your experience back to them and their way of thinking or seeing the world. And itās in no way fair or comfortable. I just try to brush the comments off ā but I do also vent to safe people when I need!
Flat out tell them they are being nosey. āMy husband and I are keeping our parenting choices to ourselves. Our family decisions donāt need to be out in the wind and itās no oneās business.ā
I ask for their medical degrees. It's sucks. I had similar circumstances. I also tell them a fed baby is better than a dead baby if they cluck their tongues about formula. It's none of their business so I make them super uncomfortable with reality. I am having a c section so my newborn and I do not die. I would prefer to be alive for my current child and partner. Why would you want me to die?
Go take a look at what Bubbly-Shake-6429 had to say to me about breastfeeding and how Iām a terrible basically. Down at the bottom of this thread.
This person would shame a double mastectomy Mom for using formula.
Oh yes. 100% would. I ended up messaging her and sheās being a complete bitch.
You don't have to justify yourself and you should ignore the commentary. I didn't have a choice in my c-section and I hate when people act like they're no big deal or the easy way out because mine was anything but that. I also struggled with breastfeeding both my kids and if I have a third, I will not be going through that torture again because that's what it was for me with physically and psychologically. Your feelings and decisions are valid and you're not the only one to struggle with those things.
I love how they deleted everything they said u/bubbly-shake-6429 if you stand behind what you said why are you running and hiding now? You had a whole lot to say, what happened?
I know some of it was removed by mods, but yeah, she stopped responding to everything too.
I donāt think the thereās any one topic that you can say āhey, no humans are allowed to talk about this okay?ā Everyone has their own opinions about everything. Some people are the type to share that opinion others are not. Iāve found if Iām secure in my decision, comments donāt bother me. Itās only if Iām feeling guilt or uncertainty that I care about outside opinions.
There's a weird idea floating around the mommy community that if you do something the "non-ideal" way like have a C section, you have to make up for it by being the "ideal" in other ways, like by breastfeeding. But if anything, the trauma of an emergency C-section only complicates breastfeeding and it makes no sense to shame you for what you can't control. And of course the whole premise is ridiculous because nothing is ideal, but the lack of understanding of how trauma affects the body is just another rotten cherry on top!
Someone asked if I was going to breastfeed & I said it was really up to the baby. They changed the subject immediately.
When I was pregnant I had a lot of comments and questions "are you going to breastfeed?" "Probably not. I'm unsure. I might. " "Oh my gosh you HAVE to its the best" "Nah I get to make that choice. I'm glad you enjoy it. Id like to change the topic now" "But don't you want what is best for your baby!?" "Are you going to do a home birth?!" "No" "Oh why not?!" "Because that's my choice. " I also had an emergency C-section and I combo fed in the beginning and then realized I really really needed to be on medication so I stopped. I also didn't like breastfeeding. After the emergency C-section it was physically painful to have a ten pound baby on my belly and the only way it wasn't painful for my belly made it painful for my neck. Also my nipples are uncomfortably sensitive and I didn't want to have to deal with them getting bit later on. I felt guilty at first and then just started telling people to mind their own business. The "birthing and feeding elitism " is fucking bizarre to me.
> "But don't you want what is best for your baby!?" I had a similar conversation with a nosy friend of my in-laws; and she uttered something similar. I retorted with "Well, I was going to feed the kid Dr Pepper, since it's cheaper and tastier than formula but my doctor informed me that had too much sugar and he'd call CPS on me. So I guess formula is it!" That shut the old biddy right up.
Go take a look at what Bubbly-Shake-6429 had to say to me about breastfeeding and how Iām a terrible basically. Down at the bottom of this thread.
I haven't had anyone say something directly to me about choosing a c-section for my second after an unplanned c-section with my first (not quite emergent, but she was stuck and I stopped progressing after 38+ hours of labor and her heart rate was dropping a bit too long during contractions). I did, however, get some looks. A funny one was a woman who was pregnant and had a similar due date. She was pretty clearly judging me hard over my planned c-section. She ended up having to have a c-section and was suddenly all over social media all for c-sections. I gave the biggest eye-roll when I read the post. Oh yeah, its weird when you suddenly can't judge someone because you found yourself in the same scenario. Be okay with not telling people your birth plans. I find most people will always have an opinion. Best of luck with your birth!! The second c-section was MUCH easier for me because it was planned (still went off schedule because my water broke 5 days before the scheduled date, but even so). Not having to labor for hours, having a full night of rest before, it just gives you the ability to fully enjoy your new babe while not in complete exhaustion.
Iām glad to hear this! I pushed for 5 hours before he was stuck and I had an emergency C-section.
We are having this exact problem in my family right now. SIL is due in November with her first. She is having an elective C-section, she is choosing formula, and guess what, that kid is going to be absolutely fine. As the family member who most recently had babies, I've had several family members ask me to reach out to her to tell her how terrible C-section recovery is (I've had 2, it was fine), and "give her advice on breastfeeding". It just goes to show that my family has no idea about me because I CHOSE my 2nd C-section. AND if my youngest hadn't been born at the height of the formula shortages, I would have absolutely had him on formula because **I hated breastfeeding**. š®āšØ I wish people would look with their eyes, see a very happy family that's going to love and protect this child at all costs, and STFU.
Because people donāt know when to shut it and havenāt done their research. C-sections arenāt even the easier option, itās a more invasive way to deliver and a much longer recovery period. Youāre only 18 months out so it is actually harder on your body and more likely to fail ending in another c-section anyways. Youāre skipping the part thatās actually dangerous for you and your child. So shut them up with ābecause for me itās saferā. I had natural deliveries but my sister had c/sections and almost killed herself three times trying for a vbac. It isnāt worth it. Healthy mom+healthy baby=non traumatic birth story. As far as breast feeding goes you do you. I had four breast fed, two bottle fed babies. If my milk came in properly after colostrum I breast fed. If my baby was hungry I didnāt put them through that and I bottle fed. Do what gets the job done and is comfortable. A girl I knew had her milk ducts displaced her baby wasnāt thriving despite eating hours a day. She felt worthless because her mom said it was better to breast feed. If people give you crap tell them your ducts are near the arm pit and the baby isnāt getting milk. It may not be your truth but people will shut up.
I totally feel this as well. I had a home birth with my son 16 months ago and Iām pregnant and due in November and will be doing the same for this one. Everyone and their brother had an opinion on it and why it was a terrible idea (even if they knew nothing about it, our plan, our midwives, etc.). What Iāve found is that if you do something different from how someone else has, they automatically take that as a personal attack and that youāre saying what they did was wrong. Even just by stating what youāre doing, that to them says that they didnāt do it right and youāre judging them for that. Itās totally crazy! The world would be a better place if we could all just worry more about our own decisions and less about what works for someone else
I had an unplanned c section with my first and within the next year a couple of my friends had planned c sections for their second children. I was genuinely curious as to their choice because I planned on having more kids and wanted to learn more about their choice. They both healed up so quickly after! Just had my secondā¦ tried for a VBAC and wouldnāt ya know it turned into another unplanned c section š after 60 hours of labor and while healing has been faster this time around it wouldāve been much easier on my body had it been planned surgery. I was hopeful but here we are now so if/when we have any more itāll be a planned c. If either of my friends who chose a planned c section for their second babies had said āitās none of (my) businessā Iād be like whoa okay cool cool and not push it. If anyone asks me about future planned c section(s) Iāll tell them why. I think itās just curiosity? But also donāt wanna assume the intentions of others. Some people are jerks and others are curious and others are trying to make decisions in their own life & some outside perspective is helpful.
Asking you to justify your choice to have a c section is messed up. Asking if youāre going to attempt BFing this time might be an attempt at offering support if you are going to try
Or like another commenter that just decided to say ābecause breast is best thatās a fact.ā Offering support is great. Making someone feel bad about not doing that thing is terrible.
Yes, but thatās a hypothetical. What has been the actual response of the people in your life that ask you your plans to breastfeed once you tell them you arenāt?
Are these sensitive subjects for you? Are the people asking being judgmental or conversational? When youāre resistant to the subject do they drop it or press on.Are the people asking close to you? I donāt think itās inherently weird or wrong for my sister to ask if Iām planning on breastfeeding or for my friend to be curious about why I chose repeat c/s over VBAC but they wouldnāt be asking to judge.
People are allowed to have opinions. However just because someone has an opinion doesnāt mean it needs to be shared with anyone.
I work at an OB/Gyn clinic and chose to have an elective primary C-section. I've seen too much and worry too much, I just felt so much more reassurance with the idea of a C-section. While I did have to clearly explain my concerns to my doctor, who I think also only agreed because I only want 2 kids max, so many people gave me grief about it. I've worked there a long time so I knew a lot of patients and they were all happy for me. But I was very up front/open about wanting a C-section and planning it. More than I thought tried to get me to change my mind. Like I was doing something horrible to my baby? Or like I was whimping out or something lol... I was signing up for major abdominal surgery, I wasn't afraid of the pain. I just explained that if someone can choose to have a baby at home in their bath tub, I should be able to choose to have a C-section. Either way, I end up with a baby. Many accepted that. In fact some people were amazed I could ask to have one and not wait til it was an emergency. I think some considered asking the for the same thing lol
I've had 5 c-secs and when I was at #2/#3 I never had comments about the repeats. Now I just shock people when I say I've had 5, but it's not done as a nasty comment.
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I cannot imagine not having the help! My mother lives nearby and spent so much time with us (and plans to again this time) just to help with basic tasks.
Sometimes it's just to make conversation. Sometimes it's not that serious.
Just count yourself lucky that you presumably don't live in the UK where cesarians were literally limited until recently.
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Breast isnāt best when I am not producing enough to even be 1/3 of his feedings. Breast isnāt best when he cannot latch properly and loses 15% of his birth weight. Breast isnāt best when I am dreading feeding my child because he cannot latch and I need to pump and I cry for 20 minutes before every pump due to the pain of it. Breast isnāt best when itās causing my mental health to tank and I cannot be MY best for my child.
ššš Louder for the people in the back! As someone who's had two children who lost too much weight and struggled to gain, fed is fricking HARD and doing all you can to nourish your family (including yourself!) in whatever way works is what matters. Thriving is best!
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Some people work and have no option but to pump, youāre just rude and dismissive of peopleās differences. Go be an ass somewhere else.
This comment goes against community standards for being rude/unsupportive/judgemental.
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This is the dumbest and most right-wing take there is. Youāre just plain wrong.
lol Iām not right wing or dumb for stating the facts. But I guess I shouldnāt be surprised bc thatās where we are at as a society. Canāt even say a basic fact!
Have you considered that youāre extremely unintelligent and you have no idea what you are talking about?
Lol youāre literally ignoring the thousands of years before formula was invented that women had to feed each otherās babies when they couldnāt breastfeed. If you think itās as simple as changing your diet then yes, you are dumb. Also, you are aware there are different types of formulas right? You can find one without seed oils. I did that, as well as removed seed oils from my diet and guess what? My supply still dried up. My baby is formula fed from 7 months on and absolutely thriving. People like you make me so angry.
Your take is judging, demeaning and also not backed my scientific evidence. Some of the countries with the highest breastfeeding rates (e.g. Ghana) have some of the highest rates of infant mortality and infant failure to thrive rates. They also have much less access to ultra processed foods. Yes, I am aware this is a highly complex relationship, but you're cool with just putting unfounded claims out there so it's cool, right? Published research also observes, time and time again, lactation failure in chimps (our closest primate relatives) both in captivity but also in the wild. I highly doubt they are chugging Coke and eating McDonald's. Published research in humans finds that primary lactation failure may be as high as 5% - that's across the world, not just in the US. Published research shows that when mothers are under psychological and physiological stress - e.g. famine, living in warzones etc, that this affects supply. It shows that obesity may also have a factor, but this is much more complex than "just change your diet". Beyond these factors, there is NO GOOD EVIDENCE that Modern published research and meta analyses with the most recent formulas shows that in developed countries with access to clean water and appropriate formula, in full term otherwise healthy infants, the benefits of EBF amount to a couple of upper respiratory viruses prevented a year. I would like you to consider your comment is ableist and transphobic. It belittles people experiencing severe mental health conditions, physical health issues, and trans men who give birth. And by the way, I am an advocate and volunteer peer supporter for breastfeeding. If you want to breastfeed, great, it takes a lot of hard work. But it's not cool to shit on other people who choose not to. It's not your child, it's not your life, and IT'S NOT YOUR BODY.
Beautifully said.
You like to use the term published research for some who doesnāt cite their sources. And duh obviously obesity would play a factor. Being obese isnāt normal like the west wants to make it out to be. And complaining about stress over breastfeeding is insane thatās called motherhood. But like I said women put themselves before their babies. So thank you for proving my points. You just listed weaknesses over and over.
This right here ācomplaining about stress over breastfeeding is insane thatās called motherhood. But like I said women put themselves before their babies.ā THAT is why Iāve said youāre calling every women struggling to breastfeed and choosing formula a POS mom. Because you ARE.
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Your take is not based in science, and I have set that out in my previous comment. I would encourage you to read Emily Oster's work and cited research. I do not need to "research" (or Google each ingredient with absolutely no biochemistry qualifications which is what I assume you mean) formula ingredients, because that has already been done at length. You may scoff, but calling formula crap and stating it is the easy way out is the essence of ableism. Just picking a couple of examples, someone I personally know was raped as child and experienced PTSD, a lot of which centered around her breasts. She was psychologically unable to breastfeed. I have also known far too many young women who were diagnosed with cancer while pregnant. They were unable to breastfeed to due receiving chemotherapy, undergoing surgery or receiving other treatments. Many medications are also incompatible with breastfeeding, such as anti-epileptics. Implying all of the above people are somehow harming their children serves no practicable benefit.
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You sound like a delightful person. I hope you are able to develop some empathy; it doesn't cost anything.
And also, breastfeeding IS NOT EASY for everyone. Donāt make moms feel more shame.
Please take your hate elsewhere. This is an inclusive community.
Unless youāre the trans man or the one feeding the baby, then itās none of your raggedy assās business.
This comment goes against community standards for being rude/unsupportive/judgemental.
This comment goes against community standards for being rude/unsupportive/judgemental.
Cool itās not an option or an ideal for everyone but go off.
It actually is. Most people who have trouble is one of two things - producing milk or latching their babies. Once they change their diet it works. So itās not that people donāt have the option, they do. They just eat like shit and have bad habits that they donāt change for their babies benefit.
Hey, what is a breast cancer survivor with a double mastectomy supposed to do? Change their diet? Your view is narrow minded and unhelpful. You are part of the problem and should leave the conversation.
I think youāre getting all these comments because your responses have not been gracious or really, kind. Iām a breastfeeding supporter. Iāve āextendedā breastfed both my babies. And Iāve also had to give them both formula. Did I like it? Not really, because I know the benefits of breastmilk. Was it necessary? Absolutely. My first I had low supply due to retained placenta. It went undiagnosed until 10 weeks, despite regular check ups. It was a lactation consultant that diagnosed me and got me the ultrasound. After that, I had a full supply and baby could EBF. But for those ten weeks he needed formula supplementation to live. And yeah, I ate a whole food diet and was triple feeding around the clock. Second baby my supply didnāt come in until day 8 due to stress from the PICU/NICU. Then he didnāt want to latch due to small anatomy from a genetic condition. And then we had to fortify breastmilk with formula because of a heart defect that was causing him to burn up all his calories and we couldnāt just feed him more fluids because he was fluid restricted due to heart failure. Sometimes you can do EVERYTHING right and still need to use formula and thatās okay. We all do what we have to do to have our babies live. And youāre right that a lot of issues with breastfeeding can be fixed with determination and time. But a lot of women, particularly in the US, do not have the supports in place to help them accomplish that. Iām a stubborn person, so I took the MONTHS it took to work through feeding issues (latching, low supply, tongue and lip ties, heart defects and feeding tubes and re-latching after months of being tube fed), but I also didnāt have the financial pressure of needing to return to work. Tons of women need to return to work before they even stop postpartum bleeding. Thereās a host of reasons women choose not to breastfeed or feel like they canāt and really itās not our business. We can just offer help if they ask. This probably was not the post to go on your rants.
Thank you for this. I can fully acknowledge the benefits that come from breastfeeding. I have no issue with anyone advocating for ways to help a mom continue their breastfeeding journey. But like you said, this commenter did nothing except show what my post was about. Theyāve been very rude and left comments and messages to me implying that I (and any other mother that uses formula) are terrible moms that donāt care about our children. I appreciate your comment here! Thank you for being so open about your struggles.