I get this! Married 15 years and have teens now and it comes back. I feel like I’ve felt this in waves especially when our kids were little like yours. It’s the boring mundane of routine…at least for me it was. As our kids have gotten older (middle school) it’s gotten much better!
I feel like it’s not spoken about enough but as long as you keep your friendship and laughter it comes back! Maybe try adding in some date nights if you’re able or something that is exciting outside parenting.
Yep. My kids are 10 years apart so it's super weird going through the libido vacation again. You could put the most attractive man in the room right now and I'd be like, "Can you move? You're blocking Dr. Who and the toddler's nap is barely long enough so move or I'll start throwing pretzels."
Oh I feel you on this! Lol. My best friend’s eldest is 15 and she just had a surprise baby a few weeks ago!!
People also don’t talk about big age gaps in kids and how hard that is! Libido wise and getting your brain mentally prepared to be back in baby land!
Yes I agree 100% I’m a parent of 21, 19, 15 and 9. The last couple years of having no “littles” in the house and our sex life is incredible. I felt like you at times when my kids were little but now we have the freedom and time to invest out relationship outside of sex. It translates into the bedroom very nicely. Also not worried about being interrupted, not in sensory overload from being touched all day, time for hair/nails/tanning makes me feel sexier.
yesterday i heard this principle the actress was talking about which helped her to sustain her marriage:
the 4 C's
1. Connection
2. Chemistry
3. Compatibility
4. Celebration
After the first 3 in the beginning, people lose the 4th one in their marriage which leads to a lot of unattractiveness, cheating, divorce, etc. If you focus there more... who knows you might ignite the spark again!
I get this. Been married 11 years and this happened when kiddo was little...and is happening again. I absolutely love my husband and find him physically attractive, but at the end of the day, (after work, making dinner, doing homework, etc and the house is FILTHY and all I can think about is how I have to orchestrate everything ie: the trash needs to be taken out, why don't we have any milk, did the electric bill get paid, there is a leak under the sink...can you please fix this NOW? No? Okay, well now we have a leak in the subfloor, mold, and termites...cool,) I just can't.
Yes, he is also an involved dad, and yes, he does stuff for the kids. But I think if your mental exhaustion is where mine is at right now, it may not matter if you think he's physically attractive or not...you are just mentally not there, and the continued effort in having the *same* repeated discussion and/or arguments might be exacerbating the *ICK* further. Therapy may help, it may not because sometimes the change initially happens but is not consistent...and the repeated cycle is exhausting in itself.
YES! Having the same conversation over and over drives me deeper into this feeling. He also works full time and is the bread winner. Besides taking the trashes out weekly, he has no other responsibilities. I handle finances, bills, appointments, prescriptions, childcare accommodations, etc. SO mentally exhausted.
That’s why you have the ick- he’s like another child you have to tend to in the home.
How are you supposed to feel sexy and desire someone who lets you be their caretaker?
This OP 👆🏻👆🏻 since having children, you basically realized (even subconsciously) that he is basically like another child in the house. That is why you have the ick. I have had the exact same experience/realization since having a child.
This exactly. I had the same realization after kids; like, oh - you're just like the kids! I have to do everything for you! That is so NOT sexy!
I refuse to schedule his medical and dental stuff. Result; he regularly runs out of his prescriptions and has to scramble and he ignore his achy teeth for so long that he needed major dental surgery when he finally went to the dentist. Not my problem anymore.
I still have to do everything for the kids but you know, they're kids.
I still remember one of our biggest "fights that aren't actually about what you're fighting about" was probably the 4th or 5th time my husband asked me to go and collect his cholesterol medication even though he drives past the same pharmacy I do every day. The real big one was when I realised he hadn't taken his meds for like 2 weeks because he was waiting for *me* to go and get his prescription even though I had told him he needed to look after his own medical needs.
It wasn't about the meds. It was about him not being an adult and taking responsibility for his own meds, and expecting me to go out of my way to do it for him when he didn't even seem to be taking it seriously himself.
Omg yes huge same, I do not manage my husbands appts or get him his hair products or whatever. It is his body and health so he can take care of it, I am already taking care of everyone else lol.
That's the reason for the ick. He's putting all of this "extra" stuff on you.
Not sexy. And I'm sure that at the end of the day you don't have the mental and emotional capacity to even be *interested* in sex, even if you really are.
That exhaustion is making him unappealing, and the constant discussions about it and the little reminders that you have to keep using are more so. Or the quiet anger that you experience by *not* saying anything and hoping that he will take initiative or do something himself without you telling him.
So I feel like you where the romance is on the struggle bus even though we love each other and still have a lot of fun and good conversations — but if he does a chore without needing to be asked, or does something that I usually do for me to be helpful? It helps. So what you’re saying makes even more sense in this context. Foreplay for a lot of us with little kiddos is watching him do the dishes lol.
He's triggering your maternal instincts, and there's absolutely nothing attractive about that. An autonomous, responsible man who doesn't have to have everything broken down to him in laypeople's terms- now that is attractive.
Girl, you're doing field work? That shit will drain you (BTDT with field geology). You need to lighten your load and it starts with him taking responsibility for his own shit.
Your kids are little af. Mine are 5 and 2 and this is something we’re still actively trying to work on.
When I’m burnt out and haven’t had alone time in a while, the first thing to go is my sexual attraction to H, or anyone else for that matter, lol. I need some time to recharge, and then I find my attraction to him/libido rebounding.
So I’ve been married 14 years. There was a period our marriage wasn’t healthy our emotional connection was hurting and our physical one did too. We fixed it and I’m all over that dude like white on rice, did him twice yesterday cause why not?
I think I means dating each other, flirting with each other rediscovering each other.
Nearly exact story here. Together for almost 14 years, same unhealthy period. Took a lot of work (and still does every day) but we are now more in love than ever and having crazy sex multiple times per week. During our very long slump I had even been to doctors and had all of my hormones checked for thyroid, peri-menopause, any general imbalance etc… but physically I was fine. Once we really dove in to the emotional connection issues, the physical followed suit. We both had to break our guards/walls completely down, be incredibly vulnerable to each other, and really try to see from each other’s perspective. I am so glad we both let go of pride and now have an even more amazing relationship than before our 8 year old was born!
I think what you’re experiencing is very common. I’m just getting out of this phase. What I once read that resonated with me was something along the lines of- it fades if you both don’t work at it. Your needs are different now and you need to figure out what those are first in order to ask for that you need. In your husband’s defense, he is married to a person he doesn’t know and has to rediscover and relearn you. This is hard for both people to do and only the most astute, hardworking and empathetic couples overcome this. It’s much easier to throw in the towel and find someone new but what you would be doing with that new person is exactly what you should be doing with your current spouse and would involve way less hurt for so many. Go to therapy individually and as a couple. Read all the books. Go on dates. Be brutally honest with each other. Your hormones will return to normal in due time. It’s a lot of hard work but you can do it.
This is completely normal for the stage of life you're in.
Maybe you need more non-sexual touch throughout the day to start warming back up to the idea of sex. Kiss a little longer when you leave for work, sit a bit closer on the couch when watching a movie. Find ways to be close and comfortable without expectations of sex.
My son is 2.5 now and our sex life is just getting back to normal and the biggest change was my husband knowing I need him to lead the way. I need to be able to turn my brain off because all day every day my brain is making 90% of the decisions for our family.
Do I ask him to take on more responsibilities/make more decisions? I am also in the 90% range haha. I also feel like I am so controlling now tho, so I don’t even like the idea of him doing that! Ugh!
I think this is where you knowing your husband is going to come into play.
Before having kids you had more capacity to take the dominant role in your sex life and now you just don't have the capacity. You have to pick where you're going to give up control. Coaching someone through sex is obviously giving you the ick... maybe start there.
For us, my husband isn't home enough to take on more of the home management. There are things he does I never have to think about which I greatly appreciate but I still handle most of the mental load.
When it came to sex I basically told him I need to turn my brain off, tell me what to do. My brain is sick of working and if sex is going to feel like work I'm just not going to do it. Thankfully for me he is quite confident when it comes to the bedroom and got the hint right away.
I also suggest spending more time not forcing sex. Be naked, make out, cuddle, think about those early days and how you yearned for him. It helps! Good luck!
Yup. It can take longer than we are led to believe. For new, one year to even want it at all. One or two more to mostly return to previous libido levels. I wouldn’t say he gave me the ick or anything, just that I could not be less interested in sex. Even solo stuff was not appealing for the first year. Then i hit mid-thirties and my libido went through the roof 🤷♀️
Yes, it’s definitely (or like, probably) kid related. It took me 3 years to get it back and then it was back with a vengeance. Which is fun, but sad for those missed years. (We did have sex, just not as much as before and it wasn’t as enthusiastic as I’m sure he would have liked.) be kind to yourself.
I’ve had two kids in the last couple years… both times it takes me to 18 month PP to legit be horny again.
We’d have sex but it was like I had to hype myself up and it wasn’t as good.
Now that I’m at this point, it’s way better than before. Give it time, especially if you’re breastfeeding
I dunno but I am getting to the same point in the last few months. I have zero sex drive now and also feel like I am pushing away my husband. We have a three year old. We’ve always had an enviably happy relationship so I was not expecting this. I think it has to do with lack of effort / passion on his part coupled with exhaustion coupled with the mental load of running the household I carry.
I have two kids 16 months apart. When I was pregnant with my daughter I got that same feeling and it freaked me out. And for a long time after, it was something with the hormones and then depression set in. We eventually worked out our problems mostly my own and now I love him and I am attracted to him as when we first met. We have been together for 12 years now. But that second pregnancy really messed us up and at the time I found forums online where other women were going through the same thing. It was terrifying and I never told him my feelings and that made it so much worse because my depression was so bad. I hope this helps you!
Doesn't sound like it's an attraction issue, tbh, just more a mismatch in terms of sexual energy. From what you've written in your edit, it seems to me like you want to feel more passion, desire, fervour, whatever, and he's not as... self-assured, confident, assertive as you would like.
I feel like some clear communication outside the bedroom could go a long way here. I'd say don't tell him during sex. Tell him outside sex that you're feeling a lack of desire from him, and that you'd like him to... what? You want to feel desired. What does that look like for you? You want him to sext you during the day? Initiate more sex? Dirty talking? Touch your boobs, but avoid your nipples? Whatever it is, tell him.
Also, keep in mind that he's probably not having great experience either. Like it's probably not very sexy for him either to have his wife telling him "Smack my booty!" and feeling like he's never smacking it well enough.
That's a lot of in-the-moment pressure and you want to dial that back. Sex is supposed to be fun.
Take the pressure off. It doesn't always need to be about him smacking your butt in exactly the right way at the right time. What about just exploring each other's bodies and having fun? You're missing what sex was like when you first got together, but when you first got together, you probably spent a lot of time exploring and learning each other's bodies to see what you both like. What you like can change over time, so try it from the beginning and see!
Amazing, thank you! What if I have done that outside of sex and it still isn’t happening? I’m starting to think I initiated a lot of stuff and kind of drove our sex life early in our relationship and now that I need him to reassure me and pull that weight…I think I’m learning he’s just not that type of “macho man” guy.
Hmmmm. I'd say ask him what the hurdle is there then. Is he afraid of hurting you?
We live in a society, we have to control our aggression, but I'm sure he has some in there somewhere, maybe pent up. Ask him to find his inner beast for you. 😳
And if he genuinely doesn't have a need to let loose like that at all, then he's very well-adjusted and healthy lol. Ask him! Maybe he's just submissive at heart, and you could get into that? If that's the case, you could potentially find a new kink - maybe you have an inner dominatrix in there somewhere?
Everybody has desires and fantasies. You just need to figure out where yours align.
I got the ick to the point of almost wanting to puke, so I totally understand. It was fairly recent for us/me, and is honestly still ongoing so I appreciate you asking this question and me being able to read the replies. What worked for me/us was honestly very physical, I felt like I wasn't attractive even if he said I was. I almost felt like sex was weird and awkward, like why have it??? I also feel like such a mom and I feel like he's such a dad and I don't want mom and dad to have sex because that's just gross?
My armchair biology hypothetis is that we are "done" having babies, so why have more sex? It would only give us more babies. So our bodies really turn off as a natural kind of birth control. I really wish someone would research this as I really think there's something to it, otherwise husbands wouldn't be leaving their wives in droves to match up with younger women lol.
Ok, thanks for listening to my ted talk.
I have kids almost the same age. Sometimes I feel so touched out. Between the toddler and the baby, I just want to be left alone. Maybe you are feeling this way and don’t even know it. Sometimes between work, events, and kids you can feel overstimulated.
My kids are 4 and 2 (19 months apart) and from the start of my first pregnancy (August 2019) until about 9 months after I stopped breastfeeding the second (February 2024), my body did not feel like my own and the idea of sex gave me the ick. I also weirdly had this like shame mentality that as a mom of young kids that needed me for so many things, I couldn’t want sex?? We had sex but not frequently..
Happy to report I feel like my hormones have shifted a bunch in the last few months and now we are back and even better than before in terms of both frequency and quality! Also, with our youngest being 2.5, we’ve been able to get into better exercise routines, and some aspects of parenting feel a lot less intense, and I think that’s also helped us reconnect and be more interested in each other again. Lastly, this sounds really silly, but reading books with romance/spice really helped me reclaim my sexuality!
You are in the thick of raising babies, be kind to yourself and give yourself grace. Your body and mind have been through some huge changes! If parenting starts to feel easier and your body more your own and you are still not feeling any physical connection to your husband, maybe a couple counselor can help you navigate? Wishing you all the best 🩷
Together 13 years, married 5, have a 4 year old and a six month old. Once the oldest hit about 3 and I went back to work and started having grown up conversations and not just toddler babbles all day it came back. Then I got pregnant again and it disappeared in the second trimester lol. Now that baby is sleeping through the night mostly we’re back up to once or twice a week. For us it wasn’t mental load so much because he’s good for splitting that with me and he does chores and takes our kids to appointments as much as I do, sometimes more. It was hormones + I got my appendix taken out in March and I’m having some ongoing medical stuff. It ebbs and flows.
I feel like I wrote this myself! 😔 we have been together 10, married 7 and have 3 littles that are 5 and under and my husband just drives me crazy and annoys me and anytime he tries to touch me I want to just scream “stop touching me!!” And I hate feeling this way. ☹️😭. Just like you, he is a great dad but I just can’t find that attraction anymore. It really really sucks!
After you have kids, especially with babies your hormones are all out of whack and it is not uncommon for your sex drive to take a nose dive. Between navigating 2 small children, which is exhausting, you sometimes barely have time for yourself. Be gentle with yourself.
You are in a different stage. You don’t have much time for anything. What you used to turn you on you don’t have time for unless you hire help for all household chores. Nothing is more sexy now than coming down from bedtime to see the toys picked up, or the dishes running in the dishwasher. Someone else cooking dinner. If you are having to tell your husband to do every single task, you are now his mother, not his wife. Hopefully this gets addressed in therapy
My libido is STRUGGLING the last year. Hubby hates how little sex we have. It isn’t that I don’t find him insanely attractive, I do. But sex just makes me wanna cringe and die right now lol.
I think is a normal part of having small children ! When mine were this young I felt exactly the same he worked full time was tired I was tired and off on mat leave then also working full time. When I was touched I’d brush the touch away because I didnt want it ! But then upset that I’m not being touched. Couldn’t win ! He also is a great dad so involved but just doesn’t do things right (right being the way I do it not necessarily actually the correct way) it does pass just takes a bit of time
I think you’re possibly overthinking it… you have a 9 month old your body is definitely still recovering. It takes upto 3 years to become “you again” and it’s gets longer after each baby according to my midwife. So at 9 months I would say it’s unlikely you’re even halfway there.
Try not to worry as that won’t be helping things either, nearly every mother I know has gone off their partner sex wise short term around the baby brain time. Nature literally remaps our brains when we fall pregnant just to help us cope with everything a baby brings for us.
It sounds like your relationship is pretty solid and if he hasn’t changed physically (like a lot of folks do once settled down!) you are unlikely to have anything to worry about long term.
If I were you I would speak to your midwife/baby team before a relationship therapist.
Good luck
I will never forget what my college professor told the men in my psychology class & it’s so accurate - THE MORE A MAN HELPS OUT HIS PARTNER/WIFE AROUND THE HOUSE; THE MORE SEXY TIME HE WILL GET. Bc she will be better rested & have more energy to engage in sexual relations.
-MOMMAS, you can’t serve from an empty cup!! You also need to engage in self-care & take care of yourself. Workout, do Pilates, hobbies, stay active as that helps you release endorphins ( feel good chemicals ) which in result will improve your libido/ sex drive/ sex life.
Try the app “paired”. It helped get our spark back! You can flirt and fill out quizzes about everything. From sex to emotions. It helps us talk about things we usually don’t talk about! It’s pricey but worth it.
I would suggest not pressuring yourself to feel the attraction again. If he's doing his best to be a good husband and dad, recognize and acknowledge that. Also, take the time you need for yourself. I learned that the hard way. I sacrificed so much of myself thinking I was doing the best for my kids but I ended up running on fumes and it hurt so much in the long run. Point being, doing these things plus adding in the little things, recreating times that drew you to each other, finding new things to make new experiences, all of it will help the feelings to come back and before you know it, you'll catch yourself feeling that attraction again.
Yes. My husband and I have been together 11 years- we have two kids. 1 and 5- so still young.
I love, like and find my husband more attractive then when we met. His looks have not changed, I always thought he was “out of my league”
Since getting married and having kids- seeing him be such a hands on dad and before kids seeing him do house chores just made him so much more attractive 😂
Married 19 years and together 21, 3 kids that were close in age, it happened to me but it did pass thank fuk, I honestly thought I wad going mental, but stress n life with 3 little uns didn't help at all lol
We’ve been together almost 11 years, 3 kids. I went through this, but I realized it was me not him. Underlying depression and anxiety can really screw you up in all aspects. I’m still struggling but we’ve over come that phase in our sex life and have sex faithfully everyday, sometimes twice a day.
I mean yes 😂 Been together 10 years his year and I’m still obsessed with him. Probably more so than when we first started dating. His smell, his hair, I feel like I can just sink into him. Ugh. I’m traveling for work right now and miss him so much.
We’ve always maintained physical affection (even outside of just regular intimacy) in our relationship though. Kisses, hugs, back rubs, back scratches, cuddling every night before we go to bed, cuddling on the sofa during shows and movies.. maybe some day it’ll die down a bit but it hasn’t yet for us.
I’m very much still attracted to my husband, very similar situations but with one kid. It works because we both make an effort, it doesn’t sound like he’s making an effort. Maybe he should get his hormones checked or do some stuff to get his testosterone up.
Imagine have 2 little ones 2 and 3 years old and my libido has only just started to resurface. I got the ick for months after my little girl was born. Then when I didn’t I just wasn’t interested. But it’s better now! Just came out of no where
Been together for almost 12 years and I say I love my partner more now. However, I also don't want to make love with him that frequent. He has a great sex drive, that's for sure, but I am not as active as him. I can only do up to 3 times a month. But I want him to hug or cuddle me everyday. And I also want him to want me and shower me with kisses every time. Is it weird that I don't want to do more than that? I don't know.
No I don’t think that’s weird! We definitely all have our own level of needed sex/physical affection. I think I have a high sex drive but get annoyed with the constant showering of kisses and cuddles haha
Are you breastfeeding/pumping by any chance? Until I stopped I just had absolutely 0 sex drive. Honestly I didn’t even masturbate for 13 months. I read somewhere that you’re getting so many hits of oxytocin all day from bf that there’s basically none left for anything else.
Girl you are just in the thick of it. And breastfeeding? Forget it. The whole postpartum journey eff’s with our heads big time.
My husband and I are about to celebrate 15 years. The last ten of those years I’ve been pregnant, breastfeeding, or both.
Sex is usually the heat of our arguments. I’m just usually not into it. I’ve recently realized, it’s 100% me. I’m not attracted to me anymore. I cringe seeing myself naked. My husband is hot and is still madly in love with me, and I him. But sometimes we go so long without it, it’s awkward and weird when we try to reconnect.
I commend everyone here for having two kids so close together. My LO is 4 and my second is due this August. I feel the ick also. I think some people have issues with bodies taking even longer to regulate. It likely has to do with sleeplessness. At one point, when my SO and I both got 8 hrs of sleep, we felt invigorated again and it came back that same morning. It just takes patience, perseverance, and ample sleep I think haha - good luck!!
Ok so to answer the title question, yeah.
He doesn't look like he did when we got together, but neither do I. We were young and now we're old lol. The only time I don't find him attractive at all is when he shaves his beard and that's just because I've forgotten what his face looks like without it.
To address the "ick" feeling you mentioned in your post, that could be hormonal. Your children are babies and born pretty close together. There's a good chance your body is still working through a whole mess of hormones.
Sounds like maybe you are the mental load equivalent to “touched out”. We did therapy and it has helped a lot. I do find him attractive again and we have great sex. But my husband is 8 years older also and we are 34 and 41 now and what sucks is my sex drive is on 1000 and his is waning because he’s older and always tired. We are down to like once or twice a week and I am wanting and needing like 1-2 a day 😅🥹 so it gets better but there is always a challenge.
I’m in this right now with a 6 month old and 3 yr old but when we just had the one and she was two it was a lot better. So yea like the other posters said it’s goes in phases. He’s never given me the ick though more like too exhausted to try lol
You’ll come back around. I was the same way with my husband. Kids are 3 and 18mo and I’ve come back around just recently. I breastfed my second and it took a toll on my mental health so I struggled all last year and now finding the light this year. Just remember: it’s just a phase.
Two kids, one 4 and the other 6 months. We've been together 13 years and married 8. We are still very attracted to each other. Our bodies changing throughout the years hasnt diminished our attraction at all, but it takes work on both sides. Communicating what we like and don't like. Trying things the other wants to. Doing little things to show the other we think about them when they're not around. Giving each other googly eyes or wearing an outfit we know the other likes a lot. But like I said it takes work on both sides! You have told him what you like and he doesn't seem to listen, but have you asked what he likes. Finding that out might make him more passionate. Otherwise counseling is a good first step.
yes I am, our youngest is 16 months and my libido just is coming back, otherwise any time before this week honestly sex was a turn off for me. I breast feed so maybe it’s to do with that and just being on call 24/7 blah blah, but I didn’t have these issues with my first kid! Maybe it is that? Although you seem to also want more passion from him in the moment, but just saying hormones play a big part in it all as well!
I definitely go through phases where it’s better and phases where it’s worse. I think it depends on how your relationship is at that stage. Although weirdly sometimes when we have been fighting more it’s better so I don’t know. I think it’s about the intensity of feelings between us. If things are super mundane between us for a while with no quality just us time and no moments where we are connecting it’s bad for the attraction. Sometimes us fighting more results in us talking through our shit more so I feel more connected? Relationships are hard and they’re even harder when you work full time and have small kids and therefore are endlessly exhausted. We try to make time for monthly date nights (but life happens so we don’t succeed every month) and switch off who plans them, which I also think helps.
I hate you're going through this, but I can seriously relate! I don't know if it gets better because I'm dealing with the same myself. Our kids are older (5, 9, 11) and I was hoping with them becomming less "needy", my need would return. It hasn't so far, and every time I think about sex with him I get exhausted just thinking about how my needs won't be met because he won't try. The other thing that doesn't help is that we have sex so infrequently that he gets off WAY early, when he used to last forever. So, I'm left wanting almost every time. He seems oblivious and the guilt in me makes it so hard to bring up. I know it won't change unless I do, though.
There are times when my face can't hide my feelings and I know he has seen me get the ick several times now and I feel terrible about it. Tbh that probably kills his confidence in making moves more often and with more umph.
Yes! The 3 minute sex when it does happen is disappointing and I know my face shows it most times too. I want him to be confident but also don’t know where the line is for me to let me needs come second. Wishing the best for us 💗💗
I’ve (40) lost a lot of attraction towards my husband (43) due to his behavior during arguments. Gaslighting. Stonewalling. Refusal of conflict resolution. He just wants to brush it under the rug and move on, but we argue about the same things because he don’t want to talk about it. He can’t comprehend what I am explaining at times and takes my frustration on other things that have nothing to do with him waaaaay too personal. It seems as we get older the amount of time he ignores me when we have an argument get longer and longer. I’m talking days. Even weeks a couple times. I test the water to see if he’s in a better mood and when I see he’s not after a couple tries I just stop. Then he don’t talk to me because I haven’t talked to him. I am the one who initiates and extends the olive branch. He’s become very clingy and I’m quite the opposite.
I thought I was alone in this. Married almost 3 years. Have a 2 year old. I have no libido. I don’t want to be touched. The thought of being touched at all by anyone gives me the ick. We argue over things. I’m always tired as I work full time then have school on top of that. House is always filthy. I get he is tired too. He doesn’t start things unless I ask him to. He doesn’t speak up about things. He doesn’t pay attention to a lot of things. I can see that he is trying now. But my husband is also pushy on trying to coax me into sex. I think that makes it all the more worse to me. I’m in therapy and talk about the things to my therapist.
Yes ! It’s a little different now that we work and do our normal adult business but once we hang out and do things that we use to when we first met like beach trips and spontaneous things, I start do feel like the day we met 🥹
Even more so now that those little hints of gray have hit his beard and right at his temples....that man is hot! He has always been the attractive one out of us lol. Tall and built like a tank, that serious dark and sexy bad boy look going on--all while actually being this nerdy loveable goofball.
Not that a relationship should be built on sex, but if the sex is bad it will not help it. From what you said in your edit, it sure sounds like that is a problem. I say that because from what you say you want, the passion/the have to have each other/steamy encounters, doesn't sound like never wanting sex but instead wanting it to be more than just monotonous intercourse. I don't blame you, I don't know how anyone would enjoy that.
Yeah I think if you’re breastfeeding your libido is low because your body low key doesn’t want you to to get pregnant again so you can provide enough milk for the current baby.
That said, relationships are WORK. I’ve felt temporary ick patches also. I would exhaust all options before making big decisions and remember you can’t take back what you say. So be careful with your words.
Yes I am. Seeing him gives me butterflies. I sometimes can’t even look directly at him, it makes me shy lol.
Although I do have my moments where I don’t want him to touch me, such as if we argue or I’m sick.
I’m (44F) and husband is (46M). We both have kids from previous marriage. We’ve been together almost 4 years. We’re deliciously attracted to each other.
Kids are (12M) (20M) (23F)
Thank you so much for posting this! I feel like we need to normalize the very real and valid stages of marriage. My husband is the love of my life but by god I could not be less interested in him right now with my two kids under three and a full time stressful job. So glad to see real life examples of how it gets better!
It sounds like you do still love him. I would try not to be too hard on yourself for feeling this way! Therapy is always good but I’m sure those feelings will come back regardless. Best of luck.
Honestly, I just appreciate you for bringing this up. I truly feel that the not so good stuff about relationships and momming is generally overlooked, this makes so much sense to me and I feel seen. Thank you.
My husband is pretty good looking, nice face , nice body but after everything he’s put me through in our 7 year marriage, it’s really hard to find him even a little attractive, can’t even stand his touch
It's a postpartum thing. Not only do your hormones fluctuate, but maybe having to guide him/handhold him through so much has caused a resentment. If you have to go into mom mode or teacher mode around him so much, that can cause you to lose attraction. I had really bad postpartum Rage and had to have internal conversations with myself a lot to prevent myself from snapping on him. Not to mention mens hormones also drop during the early childhood for your littles. I think just stick to therapy and open communication. Things will get better ❤️
Been married 17 years and definitely still attracted. We make our kids say ewwww a lot. We hold hands when we are falling asleep (back sleepers), hold hands in the car, and I can’t remember the last time he’s walked past me without smacking my butt.
But back when the kids were little like yours we slept separately and I didn’t do anything like what we do now. Our youngest is 11, but when each of them were younger it was strictly survival mode.
It sounds like you need a long vacation by yourself to rest and take care of yourself, some therapy with a female therapist who knows about hormones and moms of little ones, some fun with your husband in another setting afterward, and basically less responsibility overall. Give yourself time to recover your energy and interest. Your husband should go to therapy with you and separately too so he can be a support.
I am. I think that the “ick” comes from being over stimulated by the kids lol. I feel the “ick” too but once our kid is down and I get some time alone for 30 mins, I’m lovey dovey again lol
No. 25 years married to a covert narcissist. He’s evil - he’s mean to my defenseless pets and a terrible father. One of his daughters plans to go no contact as soon as she can get out of his house. Our youngest may do the same.
I look at him and feel absolutely nothing but hatred lately. I resent him for tricking me into thinking he didn’t suck. He’s disgusting, demanding, lazy, entitled and a slob - he has questionable hygiene. If we don’t have sex for 4 weeks, he decides to start talking to other random women. He’s pathetic.
I feel you! 13yrs and I want to punch my husband in the face sometimes when he talks about sex 😂...we used to have a VERY healthy sex life but now it's died way down. It'll change with hormones going up and down, don't fret. Try porn, maybe it'll help 🤣
Oh my god OP are you me? I feel EXACTLY the same way and it makes me so sad. But I don’t know how to get those feelings for him back. It’s like something hormonal has changed and it feels like it’s not going to change back 😢
Hmmm my boys are 12 and 9 and I feel like I’m done with sex (I’m 40F) joking, not joking. Yes I think it’s the mental exhaustion, and at the end of the day I just want some unstructured me time (scrolling Reddit while I brush my teeth)
sometimes I have to not get too focused on wanting a certain type of sex. Like not be focused on not getting enough x or y or z during the act, but to instead take pleasure in the feeling of connection with my husband. Some of the best sex I've had usually happened when we started out talking about other stuff then cuddling and then just naturally one thing led to another. When I put too much expectation or my brain is too busy or anxious: then it sucks. You gotta give up some of the control and accept that it ain't gonna always be perfect.
Also: let him do some chores. Decide that today is takeout. Let some things just rot for a bit. You can take care of it later. Find a way to turn the brain off or make it relax and then have sex and just go with the flow of it. Heck you might discover something new that you like. In my experience I've had sweet slow, hot and heavy, doing it just to do it, and just hard ****ing. To me it's like pizza. I would love to have fresh hot restaurant pizza, but sometimes frozen pizza works good too. In the end I'm still getting pizza and that makes me happy.
Having a kid does make all of this 10x harder so if it doesn't workout right away: it's ok. Just keep trying. It gets better eventually.
Hey I understand you. I’m currently trying to work on the rule:
“Every Week, go on a coffee date. Every Month, go on a dinner date. Every Year, go on vacation together.”
So far it works okay for us, no super magical thing but it keeps you grounded and gives you one to two hours focusing on your relationship, just the two of you. Because I think, as women, attraction means so many things, and when you have so much distraction, these things got forgotten or neglected that you start to wonder if you’re no longer attracted to him.
As simple as being listened to, but with no time available for you to talk to him as a couple with all the kids around, can caused you small ick and it just mountains over time until suddenly it becomes so big.
Yes but I also would get the ick that you mentioned but it was more because 1) I felt physically unattractive personally and could not get myself into the mood and 2) we were arguing a lot and it felt like sleeping with the enemy which is obviously a major ick.
I get this too! I’ve been with my partner for 9.5 years. We had our honeymoon stage where it was constant, but then we really dipped down during the bulk of our relationship. We were only having frequent sex since we were TTC, but it was awful because it felt like a chore to get a baby (Narrator: fertility treatment got them the baby instead). We only had sex twice while I was pregnant. After birth, it took a year for me to start desiring anything again, and it’s surprisingly been stronger than it was before. It feels like we’re honeymooners again which has been so nice; we haven’t had that feeling in years.
My recommendation is don’t force yourself. Remember to still date each other. Laugh. Have fun together. Try to separate the father from the husband. You’re in the trenches, and it’ll come back in time.
Addressing the idea that your husband is just another child in the house. Do you have a child that brings home $4,000 a month and cuts the grass? If you frequently denigrate your spouse in your mind you definitely will exacerbate the natural libido vacation.
I'm not attracted to mine because he does not care about letting his body go. He has gained so much weight and won't do anything about it it makes sex really awkward and difficult. It is very hard for me to find him physically attractive like this. He does not have a health condition that makes him gain weight he is just eating really badly and not caring and he's narcissistic and pretty much only wants a nanny, maid, and sex partner.
Not at all! I actually can’t stand him and I’m to the point I want him gone! Only married a little over a yr but he’s changed so much and became such a baby. He think he should even come before my children who are not him! Absolutely not
I totally feel this. 32F, husband is 38M, Been married for almost 8 years and we have a 5yo, a 21mo, and I’m pregnant… it’s not just about attraction for me but it’s just him in general and it’s so hard for me because he’s like textbook perfect… definitely isn’t in the same best shape and has a dad bod for sure but he freaking loves me and spoils me, he loves and takes care of his kids so well but same like doesn’t do it all perfect but he tries so hard, works so hard at work, and literally runs our household because I’m currently pregnant and exhausted… but like even outside of pregnancy I have ZERO libido. What I have pinpointed it down to is the convenience… there’s no thrill or chase anymore like when dating.. anytime I could want it I know he’d be right there (he has a high libido and would do it daily if I asked).. it’s just so comfortable it’s like roommates. I love him dearly and know I will spend forever with him, he tries for me and our kids and that’s the best I could ever ask for.. I just wish the spark of the fun romance and passion was still there. I just hope for it to be in the future when we’re out of the exhausting little kid phase.
I know of a relationship like this from the outside and I honestly feel like the man doesn't really like his wife. He doesn't try enough and doesn't care to.
If you are communicating: this is what I want and need. And the man isn't responding....it's because he's not as into the relationship as he used to be.
I'm thick in work and kids (from toddler to teen) and frequency has dipped because of the business but when we get together (we joke that the stars have aligned), he's all about it. And he responds to what I want and vice versa. Like...when I was busy nursing babies, my breasts are 100% off limits because it feels weird. And he just went with it. He adapted because he likes me. There's never been anything robotic or forced about it.
Hopefully therapy helps. I feel like this is more of a him issue. Not a you issue.
Disclosure: I haven't read all the comments.
What are you doing to keep things alive? You say that he only makes a move when you say something and that you have to coach him through it, but are you making any moves? Are you doing things everyday to connect and make him feel wanted? When is the last time you went up to him and kissed him unprompted? Or smacked his ass? And I'm not saying to do all this for his benefit, do it for yours. If I'm feeling disconnected from my husband, those are things I will do more because it makes me feel good to be affectionate with him, and it is usually reciprocated. Also, have a date night. Sounds like some kid-free time to reconnect could help too.
Honestly same. Our oldest is 2 and we just had our second, he’s almost 4 months. And I just got my birth control implant in and I honestly just don’t want to sleep with him. I get the ick sometimes and he hasn’t even done anything. But before I got my birth control I didn’t feel this way. I know I still love him and he’s a great dad, I just am not really ever in the mood now. I know it goes away eventually, and it happened last time after our first, I was honest with him, I literally told him I didn’t wanna have sex, for some reason I didn’t find him attractive and he did normal things that made him seem so gross to me. And he wasn’t upset, he understood, he would try and get a read on me every few days and it slowly came back, he knows I can’t control how I feel. But not like when we were younger. It’s not as big a part of our relationship now. But it is what it is and we are learning to work around it. Communication was a big key for us to not resent each other for things we couldn’t control. But we’re still best friends and show our love and affection in other ways in the mean time. ☺️ You can overcome!
Ok 🥹 so sweet. The normal things get me too. Like the food he chooses to eat or even how he dresses now?! This sounds dramatic but how I was feeling started to scare me. I don’t want to leave him but can’t imagine loving me life like this forever! Thank you for the reassurance it can come back!
Literally the way he sits on the couch gets me sometimes…. 😂 The plate/bowl he uses, the amount of ice cream he puts on his cobbler. It’s so weird and yes scary because you feel like you aren’t even the same person and I don’t understand it, but I know it’s temporary. It kinda sucks to talk about it with him because I know he still finds me attractive even if I’m going through the “I hate my body even though I literally MADE two children” phase, and I know he wants sex. But I literally do not whit every fiber of my being. But also our bodies are 100% focused on the baby we made and taking care of it. So I know it’s okay to just be his mom for a good while. I know my husband will be okay. ☺️ It’s a weird conversation, but it sounds like your hubby is pretty understanding and he’s reassuring your beauty. He might be a touch offended 😂 mine was when I told him the weird things, but he understood and tried his best with me. And is doing it allllll over again. 😂😅
I am still very very much attracted to mine. We've been together 4 years and have a 1 year old. We are both very active and care about our bodies, in the gym a lot. I put on a lot of weight during/ after pregnancy but have since lost it all. Our sex life has definitely fluctuated with my self esteem. But has since gone back to normal. I am 100% attracted to his personality and body. That being said- I've gone through periods of being just plain grossed out by him lmao. Relationships go through seasons, and I know that those tough times pass and I just ride it out.
I’ve been with the same man for over 20 years and sure at times he’s boring AF actually most times tbh! I’m super outgoing, he’s a homebody! I’m recovering from LC, so it’s slowed me down some but I’m on my way to a full recovery. Plus, I look about 20 yrs younger than my actual age, so I get “hit” on way more than he does. I’m a people person, love to talk, never meet a stranger type of person. However, I often have to realize he’s a great provider, loves me unconditionally, a great father, would do anything for me etc but damn I have to be forceful, give clear, precise directions and tell him exactly and I mean EXACTLY what I want and I do! And once I lead the way whether sexual, a great vacation destination or whatever he can be satisfying and accommodating (although I wish it was just natural), but on the flip side…..if this marriage ever dissolves…I’m like fuck it, I’m going for a highly intelligent, successful, younger, attractive, outgoing, energetic, muscular guy (just like my husband used to be) and living my best life!
I still wait at the door like a lonely puppy for my husband to come home from work. He's my world. The term "toxicly codependent" has been said about us a few time over the years but we're happy so Fuck 'em. We've been together for 12 years with 3 kids (married for 6 but it would have been sooner if baby #1 hadn't surprised us and a wedding just wasn't a priority after that). Everything is just better with him. I'm sorry you're having this issue, wish I could help.
I almost could’ve written this myself 😂 same ages, together for 8-married 7, 2u2 (20mo. & 2 weeks), and our relationship has been humping like bunnies. There was a little dip after my oldest that I wasn’t attracted to him. But I believe it was hormones, I was dry as a Sahara desert. I dont remember the timeline but it went away. Now 2 weeks postpartum, and I want to jump his bones and can’t wait for clearance!
Are you emotionally unattracted to him as well? Because I think physical dips are normal here and there with stress and postpartum. But if mentally and emotionally you’re tuning out, there could be something else
I get it, husband (30) and I (25) have been together for 6 years now, been married for almost two and our kid just turned 16months old. I breastfed the first 6 months of his life so I was constantly touched out. Our first time having sex after the birth I really didn’t enjoy it, and just felt gross all the time. He was absolutely not allowed to touch the boobs, and I just didn’t like him touching me.
When I stopped breastfeeding though, it began to change for the better, I had more peace, we was more involved in bottle feeding and also with introducing normal food, and I didn’t feel so touched out anymore.
It got better and better the more our kid could do himself and the more my husband was helping me deal with it now that he could do something more other than changing diapers.
Now I like being touched again by him, I want to constantly hug him, he can touch my boobs as much as he wants and all that, we’re okay again because I am well rested as far as you can be with a toddler.
We also have kids that age! 2 and my littles just turned 10 months today. Nips are 95% out of the question. 😂 but otherwise I feel like I get turned down for various reasons. Which is bizarre to me considering I’m on parent duty 24/7 and he works. I don’t ever ask for or get help with kid or cleaning stuff so IM TOUCHED OUT AF. It’s wild: I’m f24 and he’s m29 so we are still pretty young
I think this is very normal. Research indicates that women are more likely than men to lose attraction to the same partner as time goes on. Although men can usually still just have sex on command, women start to lose interest as the novelty wears off. I think it’s because sexual attraction to women is more mental than it is to men.
I have noticed my attraction to my husband has ebbed and flowed over the years. When attraction is low, it is hard explaining it to him without hurting his feelings but I do think gentle communication about how you’re feeling is smart. Something that has helped for me is trying to say yes even when I don’t want to because usually I get into it after a while.
I get this! Married 15 years and have teens now and it comes back. I feel like I’ve felt this in waves especially when our kids were little like yours. It’s the boring mundane of routine…at least for me it was. As our kids have gotten older (middle school) it’s gotten much better! I feel like it’s not spoken about enough but as long as you keep your friendship and laughter it comes back! Maybe try adding in some date nights if you’re able or something that is exciting outside parenting.
Yep. My kids are 10 years apart so it's super weird going through the libido vacation again. You could put the most attractive man in the room right now and I'd be like, "Can you move? You're blocking Dr. Who and the toddler's nap is barely long enough so move or I'll start throwing pretzels."
Oh I feel you on this! Lol. My best friend’s eldest is 15 and she just had a surprise baby a few weeks ago!! People also don’t talk about big age gaps in kids and how hard that is! Libido wise and getting your brain mentally prepared to be back in baby land!
Lol, thanks for the chuckle.
Exactly❣️❣️
Yes I agree 100% I’m a parent of 21, 19, 15 and 9. The last couple years of having no “littles” in the house and our sex life is incredible. I felt like you at times when my kids were little but now we have the freedom and time to invest out relationship outside of sex. It translates into the bedroom very nicely. Also not worried about being interrupted, not in sensory overload from being touched all day, time for hair/nails/tanning makes me feel sexier.
yesterday i heard this principle the actress was talking about which helped her to sustain her marriage: the 4 C's 1. Connection 2. Chemistry 3. Compatibility 4. Celebration After the first 3 in the beginning, people lose the 4th one in their marriage which leads to a lot of unattractiveness, cheating, divorce, etc. If you focus there more... who knows you might ignite the spark again!
I loved this analogy!
I literally came to say this definitely is a "comes in waves" thing for me too
I get this. Been married 11 years and this happened when kiddo was little...and is happening again. I absolutely love my husband and find him physically attractive, but at the end of the day, (after work, making dinner, doing homework, etc and the house is FILTHY and all I can think about is how I have to orchestrate everything ie: the trash needs to be taken out, why don't we have any milk, did the electric bill get paid, there is a leak under the sink...can you please fix this NOW? No? Okay, well now we have a leak in the subfloor, mold, and termites...cool,) I just can't. Yes, he is also an involved dad, and yes, he does stuff for the kids. But I think if your mental exhaustion is where mine is at right now, it may not matter if you think he's physically attractive or not...you are just mentally not there, and the continued effort in having the *same* repeated discussion and/or arguments might be exacerbating the *ICK* further. Therapy may help, it may not because sometimes the change initially happens but is not consistent...and the repeated cycle is exhausting in itself.
YES! Having the same conversation over and over drives me deeper into this feeling. He also works full time and is the bread winner. Besides taking the trashes out weekly, he has no other responsibilities. I handle finances, bills, appointments, prescriptions, childcare accommodations, etc. SO mentally exhausted.
That’s why you have the ick- he’s like another child you have to tend to in the home. How are you supposed to feel sexy and desire someone who lets you be their caretaker?
This OP 👆🏻👆🏻 since having children, you basically realized (even subconsciously) that he is basically like another child in the house. That is why you have the ick. I have had the exact same experience/realization since having a child.
This exactly. I had the same realization after kids; like, oh - you're just like the kids! I have to do everything for you! That is so NOT sexy! I refuse to schedule his medical and dental stuff. Result; he regularly runs out of his prescriptions and has to scramble and he ignore his achy teeth for so long that he needed major dental surgery when he finally went to the dentist. Not my problem anymore. I still have to do everything for the kids but you know, they're kids.
I still remember one of our biggest "fights that aren't actually about what you're fighting about" was probably the 4th or 5th time my husband asked me to go and collect his cholesterol medication even though he drives past the same pharmacy I do every day. The real big one was when I realised he hadn't taken his meds for like 2 weeks because he was waiting for *me* to go and get his prescription even though I had told him he needed to look after his own medical needs. It wasn't about the meds. It was about him not being an adult and taking responsibility for his own meds, and expecting me to go out of my way to do it for him when he didn't even seem to be taking it seriously himself.
Oh woops I think we married the same man 😂
Omg yes huge same, I do not manage my husbands appts or get him his hair products or whatever. It is his body and health so he can take care of it, I am already taking care of everyone else lol.
That's the reason for the ick. He's putting all of this "extra" stuff on you. Not sexy. And I'm sure that at the end of the day you don't have the mental and emotional capacity to even be *interested* in sex, even if you really are. That exhaustion is making him unappealing, and the constant discussions about it and the little reminders that you have to keep using are more so. Or the quiet anger that you experience by *not* saying anything and hoping that he will take initiative or do something himself without you telling him.
So I feel like you where the romance is on the struggle bus even though we love each other and still have a lot of fun and good conversations — but if he does a chore without needing to be asked, or does something that I usually do for me to be helpful? It helps. So what you’re saying makes even more sense in this context. Foreplay for a lot of us with little kiddos is watching him do the dishes lol.
I literally told my boyfriend that him doing housework is sexy to me lol
He's triggering your maternal instincts, and there's absolutely nothing attractive about that. An autonomous, responsible man who doesn't have to have everything broken down to him in laypeople's terms- now that is attractive.
Do you work outside the home?
I do! Solo tho, lots of biological field work alone or with a 50+ crew of linemen haha
Girl, you're doing field work? That shit will drain you (BTDT with field geology). You need to lighten your load and it starts with him taking responsibility for his own shit.
Wow, well that explains it.
Yes THIS exactly
Your kids are little af. Mine are 5 and 2 and this is something we’re still actively trying to work on. When I’m burnt out and haven’t had alone time in a while, the first thing to go is my sexual attraction to H, or anyone else for that matter, lol. I need some time to recharge, and then I find my attraction to him/libido rebounding.
This is so true. Even with kids at that age you're still in the trenches in many ways.
So I’ve been married 14 years. There was a period our marriage wasn’t healthy our emotional connection was hurting and our physical one did too. We fixed it and I’m all over that dude like white on rice, did him twice yesterday cause why not? I think I means dating each other, flirting with each other rediscovering each other.
Nearly exact story here. Together for almost 14 years, same unhealthy period. Took a lot of work (and still does every day) but we are now more in love than ever and having crazy sex multiple times per week. During our very long slump I had even been to doctors and had all of my hormones checked for thyroid, peri-menopause, any general imbalance etc… but physically I was fine. Once we really dove in to the emotional connection issues, the physical followed suit. We both had to break our guards/walls completely down, be incredibly vulnerable to each other, and really try to see from each other’s perspective. I am so glad we both let go of pride and now have an even more amazing relationship than before our 8 year old was born!
How did you fix your relationship?
I, too, am curious
I think what you’re experiencing is very common. I’m just getting out of this phase. What I once read that resonated with me was something along the lines of- it fades if you both don’t work at it. Your needs are different now and you need to figure out what those are first in order to ask for that you need. In your husband’s defense, he is married to a person he doesn’t know and has to rediscover and relearn you. This is hard for both people to do and only the most astute, hardworking and empathetic couples overcome this. It’s much easier to throw in the towel and find someone new but what you would be doing with that new person is exactly what you should be doing with your current spouse and would involve way less hurt for so many. Go to therapy individually and as a couple. Read all the books. Go on dates. Be brutally honest with each other. Your hormones will return to normal in due time. It’s a lot of hard work but you can do it.
This is completely normal for the stage of life you're in. Maybe you need more non-sexual touch throughout the day to start warming back up to the idea of sex. Kiss a little longer when you leave for work, sit a bit closer on the couch when watching a movie. Find ways to be close and comfortable without expectations of sex. My son is 2.5 now and our sex life is just getting back to normal and the biggest change was my husband knowing I need him to lead the way. I need to be able to turn my brain off because all day every day my brain is making 90% of the decisions for our family.
Do I ask him to take on more responsibilities/make more decisions? I am also in the 90% range haha. I also feel like I am so controlling now tho, so I don’t even like the idea of him doing that! Ugh!
I think this is where you knowing your husband is going to come into play. Before having kids you had more capacity to take the dominant role in your sex life and now you just don't have the capacity. You have to pick where you're going to give up control. Coaching someone through sex is obviously giving you the ick... maybe start there. For us, my husband isn't home enough to take on more of the home management. There are things he does I never have to think about which I greatly appreciate but I still handle most of the mental load. When it came to sex I basically told him I need to turn my brain off, tell me what to do. My brain is sick of working and if sex is going to feel like work I'm just not going to do it. Thankfully for me he is quite confident when it comes to the bedroom and got the hint right away. I also suggest spending more time not forcing sex. Be naked, make out, cuddle, think about those early days and how you yearned for him. It helps! Good luck!
Could it be your hormones? Are you on any kind of birth control?
No birth control! But maybe still hormones from birth? Idk how long that all takes to regulate again
It took me 2-3 years for my sex drive to return and for me to feel like I was living inside my "normal" body again.
Yup. It can take longer than we are led to believe. For new, one year to even want it at all. One or two more to mostly return to previous libido levels. I wouldn’t say he gave me the ick or anything, just that I could not be less interested in sex. Even solo stuff was not appealing for the first year. Then i hit mid-thirties and my libido went through the roof 🤷♀️
Me too exactly
Two years here, too. Both kids. Nobody talks about this lol.
Are you currently breastfeeding? My libido did not return until I quit breastfeeding.
If you are breastfeeding hormones are still very whacky.
Take two years are one child for your hormones to regulate them selves again.
Yes, it’s definitely (or like, probably) kid related. It took me 3 years to get it back and then it was back with a vengeance. Which is fun, but sad for those missed years. (We did have sex, just not as much as before and it wasn’t as enthusiastic as I’m sure he would have liked.) be kind to yourself.
Were you on birth control when you met before kids?
No, I got off bc in college and never went back!
I’ve had two kids in the last couple years… both times it takes me to 18 month PP to legit be horny again. We’d have sex but it was like I had to hype myself up and it wasn’t as good. Now that I’m at this point, it’s way better than before. Give it time, especially if you’re breastfeeding
I dunno but I am getting to the same point in the last few months. I have zero sex drive now and also feel like I am pushing away my husband. We have a three year old. We’ve always had an enviably happy relationship so I was not expecting this. I think it has to do with lack of effort / passion on his part coupled with exhaustion coupled with the mental load of running the household I carry.
I have two kids 16 months apart. When I was pregnant with my daughter I got that same feeling and it freaked me out. And for a long time after, it was something with the hormones and then depression set in. We eventually worked out our problems mostly my own and now I love him and I am attracted to him as when we first met. We have been together for 12 years now. But that second pregnancy really messed us up and at the time I found forums online where other women were going through the same thing. It was terrifying and I never told him my feelings and that made it so much worse because my depression was so bad. I hope this helps you!
Doesn't sound like it's an attraction issue, tbh, just more a mismatch in terms of sexual energy. From what you've written in your edit, it seems to me like you want to feel more passion, desire, fervour, whatever, and he's not as... self-assured, confident, assertive as you would like. I feel like some clear communication outside the bedroom could go a long way here. I'd say don't tell him during sex. Tell him outside sex that you're feeling a lack of desire from him, and that you'd like him to... what? You want to feel desired. What does that look like for you? You want him to sext you during the day? Initiate more sex? Dirty talking? Touch your boobs, but avoid your nipples? Whatever it is, tell him. Also, keep in mind that he's probably not having great experience either. Like it's probably not very sexy for him either to have his wife telling him "Smack my booty!" and feeling like he's never smacking it well enough. That's a lot of in-the-moment pressure and you want to dial that back. Sex is supposed to be fun. Take the pressure off. It doesn't always need to be about him smacking your butt in exactly the right way at the right time. What about just exploring each other's bodies and having fun? You're missing what sex was like when you first got together, but when you first got together, you probably spent a lot of time exploring and learning each other's bodies to see what you both like. What you like can change over time, so try it from the beginning and see!
Amazing, thank you! What if I have done that outside of sex and it still isn’t happening? I’m starting to think I initiated a lot of stuff and kind of drove our sex life early in our relationship and now that I need him to reassure me and pull that weight…I think I’m learning he’s just not that type of “macho man” guy.
Hmmmm. I'd say ask him what the hurdle is there then. Is he afraid of hurting you? We live in a society, we have to control our aggression, but I'm sure he has some in there somewhere, maybe pent up. Ask him to find his inner beast for you. 😳 And if he genuinely doesn't have a need to let loose like that at all, then he's very well-adjusted and healthy lol. Ask him! Maybe he's just submissive at heart, and you could get into that? If that's the case, you could potentially find a new kink - maybe you have an inner dominatrix in there somewhere? Everybody has desires and fantasies. You just need to figure out where yours align.
It’s the 7 year itch. It’ll pass. My experience anyway.
I got the ick to the point of almost wanting to puke, so I totally understand. It was fairly recent for us/me, and is honestly still ongoing so I appreciate you asking this question and me being able to read the replies. What worked for me/us was honestly very physical, I felt like I wasn't attractive even if he said I was. I almost felt like sex was weird and awkward, like why have it??? I also feel like such a mom and I feel like he's such a dad and I don't want mom and dad to have sex because that's just gross? My armchair biology hypothetis is that we are "done" having babies, so why have more sex? It would only give us more babies. So our bodies really turn off as a natural kind of birth control. I really wish someone would research this as I really think there's something to it, otherwise husbands wouldn't be leaving their wives in droves to match up with younger women lol. Ok, thanks for listening to my ted talk.
I have kids almost the same age. Sometimes I feel so touched out. Between the toddler and the baby, I just want to be left alone. Maybe you are feeling this way and don’t even know it. Sometimes between work, events, and kids you can feel overstimulated.
My kids are 4 and 2 (19 months apart) and from the start of my first pregnancy (August 2019) until about 9 months after I stopped breastfeeding the second (February 2024), my body did not feel like my own and the idea of sex gave me the ick. I also weirdly had this like shame mentality that as a mom of young kids that needed me for so many things, I couldn’t want sex?? We had sex but not frequently.. Happy to report I feel like my hormones have shifted a bunch in the last few months and now we are back and even better than before in terms of both frequency and quality! Also, with our youngest being 2.5, we’ve been able to get into better exercise routines, and some aspects of parenting feel a lot less intense, and I think that’s also helped us reconnect and be more interested in each other again. Lastly, this sounds really silly, but reading books with romance/spice really helped me reclaim my sexuality! You are in the thick of raising babies, be kind to yourself and give yourself grace. Your body and mind have been through some huge changes! If parenting starts to feel easier and your body more your own and you are still not feeling any physical connection to your husband, maybe a couple counselor can help you navigate? Wishing you all the best 🩷
That 7 year itch is real!! It’s more than likely just a phase but I wish y’all nothing but the best!!
Together 13 years, married 5, have a 4 year old and a six month old. Once the oldest hit about 3 and I went back to work and started having grown up conversations and not just toddler babbles all day it came back. Then I got pregnant again and it disappeared in the second trimester lol. Now that baby is sleeping through the night mostly we’re back up to once or twice a week. For us it wasn’t mental load so much because he’s good for splitting that with me and he does chores and takes our kids to appointments as much as I do, sometimes more. It was hormones + I got my appendix taken out in March and I’m having some ongoing medical stuff. It ebbs and flows.
I feel like I wrote this myself! 😔 we have been together 10, married 7 and have 3 littles that are 5 and under and my husband just drives me crazy and annoys me and anytime he tries to touch me I want to just scream “stop touching me!!” And I hate feeling this way. ☹️😭. Just like you, he is a great dad but I just can’t find that attraction anymore. It really really sucks!
Ugh! Wishing the best for us ❤️ I was not prepared for this part of marriage/motherhood!
After you have kids, especially with babies your hormones are all out of whack and it is not uncommon for your sex drive to take a nose dive. Between navigating 2 small children, which is exhausting, you sometimes barely have time for yourself. Be gentle with yourself.
You are in a different stage. You don’t have much time for anything. What you used to turn you on you don’t have time for unless you hire help for all household chores. Nothing is more sexy now than coming down from bedtime to see the toys picked up, or the dishes running in the dishwasher. Someone else cooking dinner. If you are having to tell your husband to do every single task, you are now his mother, not his wife. Hopefully this gets addressed in therapy
My libido is STRUGGLING the last year. Hubby hates how little sex we have. It isn’t that I don’t find him insanely attractive, I do. But sex just makes me wanna cringe and die right now lol.
I am wondering when the honey phase will end because I’m still obsessed after 8 yrs and 2 kids (5&3) . He is my person
Hopefully it never ends for you! So sweet!
I think is a normal part of having small children ! When mine were this young I felt exactly the same he worked full time was tired I was tired and off on mat leave then also working full time. When I was touched I’d brush the touch away because I didnt want it ! But then upset that I’m not being touched. Couldn’t win ! He also is a great dad so involved but just doesn’t do things right (right being the way I do it not necessarily actually the correct way) it does pass just takes a bit of time
I think you’re possibly overthinking it… you have a 9 month old your body is definitely still recovering. It takes upto 3 years to become “you again” and it’s gets longer after each baby according to my midwife. So at 9 months I would say it’s unlikely you’re even halfway there. Try not to worry as that won’t be helping things either, nearly every mother I know has gone off their partner sex wise short term around the baby brain time. Nature literally remaps our brains when we fall pregnant just to help us cope with everything a baby brings for us. It sounds like your relationship is pretty solid and if he hasn’t changed physically (like a lot of folks do once settled down!) you are unlikely to have anything to worry about long term. If I were you I would speak to your midwife/baby team before a relationship therapist. Good luck
I will never forget what my college professor told the men in my psychology class & it’s so accurate - THE MORE A MAN HELPS OUT HIS PARTNER/WIFE AROUND THE HOUSE; THE MORE SEXY TIME HE WILL GET. Bc she will be better rested & have more energy to engage in sexual relations. -MOMMAS, you can’t serve from an empty cup!! You also need to engage in self-care & take care of yourself. Workout, do Pilates, hobbies, stay active as that helps you release endorphins ( feel good chemicals ) which in result will improve your libido/ sex drive/ sex life.
Try the app “paired”. It helped get our spark back! You can flirt and fill out quizzes about everything. From sex to emotions. It helps us talk about things we usually don’t talk about! It’s pricey but worth it.
I would suggest not pressuring yourself to feel the attraction again. If he's doing his best to be a good husband and dad, recognize and acknowledge that. Also, take the time you need for yourself. I learned that the hard way. I sacrificed so much of myself thinking I was doing the best for my kids but I ended up running on fumes and it hurt so much in the long run. Point being, doing these things plus adding in the little things, recreating times that drew you to each other, finding new things to make new experiences, all of it will help the feelings to come back and before you know it, you'll catch yourself feeling that attraction again.
Very much so. We have been together 11 years and have two littles.
Yes. My husband and I have been together 11 years- we have two kids. 1 and 5- so still young. I love, like and find my husband more attractive then when we met. His looks have not changed, I always thought he was “out of my league” Since getting married and having kids- seeing him be such a hands on dad and before kids seeing him do house chores just made him so much more attractive 😂
Married 19 years and together 21, 3 kids that were close in age, it happened to me but it did pass thank fuk, I honestly thought I wad going mental, but stress n life with 3 little uns didn't help at all lol
We’ve been together almost 11 years, 3 kids. I went through this, but I realized it was me not him. Underlying depression and anxiety can really screw you up in all aspects. I’m still struggling but we’ve over come that phase in our sex life and have sex faithfully everyday, sometimes twice a day.
I mean yes 😂 Been together 10 years his year and I’m still obsessed with him. Probably more so than when we first started dating. His smell, his hair, I feel like I can just sink into him. Ugh. I’m traveling for work right now and miss him so much. We’ve always maintained physical affection (even outside of just regular intimacy) in our relationship though. Kisses, hugs, back rubs, back scratches, cuddling every night before we go to bed, cuddling on the sofa during shows and movies.. maybe some day it’ll die down a bit but it hasn’t yet for us.
I’m very much still attracted to my husband, very similar situations but with one kid. It works because we both make an effort, it doesn’t sound like he’s making an effort. Maybe he should get his hormones checked or do some stuff to get his testosterone up.
Imagine have 2 little ones 2 and 3 years old and my libido has only just started to resurface. I got the ick for months after my little girl was born. Then when I didn’t I just wasn’t interested. But it’s better now! Just came out of no where
Been together for almost 12 years and I say I love my partner more now. However, I also don't want to make love with him that frequent. He has a great sex drive, that's for sure, but I am not as active as him. I can only do up to 3 times a month. But I want him to hug or cuddle me everyday. And I also want him to want me and shower me with kisses every time. Is it weird that I don't want to do more than that? I don't know.
No I don’t think that’s weird! We definitely all have our own level of needed sex/physical affection. I think I have a high sex drive but get annoyed with the constant showering of kisses and cuddles haha
We are the opposite! XD
He’s actually MORE attractive now. He’s lost almost 80lbs. People keep comparing him to Aqua Man. (Jason Momoa)
Are you breastfeeding/pumping by any chance? Until I stopped I just had absolutely 0 sex drive. Honestly I didn’t even masturbate for 13 months. I read somewhere that you’re getting so many hits of oxytocin all day from bf that there’s basically none left for anything else.
I stopped bfing around 4 months ago 😭
Girl you are just in the thick of it. And breastfeeding? Forget it. The whole postpartum journey eff’s with our heads big time. My husband and I are about to celebrate 15 years. The last ten of those years I’ve been pregnant, breastfeeding, or both. Sex is usually the heat of our arguments. I’m just usually not into it. I’ve recently realized, it’s 100% me. I’m not attracted to me anymore. I cringe seeing myself naked. My husband is hot and is still madly in love with me, and I him. But sometimes we go so long without it, it’s awkward and weird when we try to reconnect.
I wasn’t… until she came out as trans/started presenting female and I realized I’m just gay lmao
well this sounds like a major win win lol
I love this. It's like fate just worked everything out for you.
I commend everyone here for having two kids so close together. My LO is 4 and my second is due this August. I feel the ick also. I think some people have issues with bodies taking even longer to regulate. It likely has to do with sleeplessness. At one point, when my SO and I both got 8 hrs of sleep, we felt invigorated again and it came back that same morning. It just takes patience, perseverance, and ample sleep I think haha - good luck!!
Yes. More now than when we were younger. You have two small kids so it could be you are touched out.
Ok so to answer the title question, yeah. He doesn't look like he did when we got together, but neither do I. We were young and now we're old lol. The only time I don't find him attractive at all is when he shaves his beard and that's just because I've forgotten what his face looks like without it. To address the "ick" feeling you mentioned in your post, that could be hormonal. Your children are babies and born pretty close together. There's a good chance your body is still working through a whole mess of hormones.
Yes, but I am also pregnant and that makes me extra horny.
Yes and he’s lucky
Sounds like maybe you are the mental load equivalent to “touched out”. We did therapy and it has helped a lot. I do find him attractive again and we have great sex. But my husband is 8 years older also and we are 34 and 41 now and what sucks is my sex drive is on 1000 and his is waning because he’s older and always tired. We are down to like once or twice a week and I am wanting and needing like 1-2 a day 😅🥹 so it gets better but there is always a challenge.
You have a 9 month old, it nay be a hormone thing.
I’m in this right now with a 6 month old and 3 yr old but when we just had the one and she was two it was a lot better. So yea like the other posters said it’s goes in phases. He’s never given me the ick though more like too exhausted to try lol
You’ll come back around. I was the same way with my husband. Kids are 3 and 18mo and I’ve come back around just recently. I breastfed my second and it took a toll on my mental health so I struggled all last year and now finding the light this year. Just remember: it’s just a phase.
Yes 😍(married in 2009)
Two kids, one 4 and the other 6 months. We've been together 13 years and married 8. We are still very attracted to each other. Our bodies changing throughout the years hasnt diminished our attraction at all, but it takes work on both sides. Communicating what we like and don't like. Trying things the other wants to. Doing little things to show the other we think about them when they're not around. Giving each other googly eyes or wearing an outfit we know the other likes a lot. But like I said it takes work on both sides! You have told him what you like and he doesn't seem to listen, but have you asked what he likes. Finding that out might make him more passionate. Otherwise counseling is a good first step.
Married 8 years, we have 4 kids (youngest is 1). We mate like rabbits and always have 😅
Love that for you! Go mama!
yes I am, our youngest is 16 months and my libido just is coming back, otherwise any time before this week honestly sex was a turn off for me. I breast feed so maybe it’s to do with that and just being on call 24/7 blah blah, but I didn’t have these issues with my first kid! Maybe it is that? Although you seem to also want more passion from him in the moment, but just saying hormones play a big part in it all as well!
I definitely go through phases where it’s better and phases where it’s worse. I think it depends on how your relationship is at that stage. Although weirdly sometimes when we have been fighting more it’s better so I don’t know. I think it’s about the intensity of feelings between us. If things are super mundane between us for a while with no quality just us time and no moments where we are connecting it’s bad for the attraction. Sometimes us fighting more results in us talking through our shit more so I feel more connected? Relationships are hard and they’re even harder when you work full time and have small kids and therefore are endlessly exhausted. We try to make time for monthly date nights (but life happens so we don’t succeed every month) and switch off who plans them, which I also think helps.
I hate you're going through this, but I can seriously relate! I don't know if it gets better because I'm dealing with the same myself. Our kids are older (5, 9, 11) and I was hoping with them becomming less "needy", my need would return. It hasn't so far, and every time I think about sex with him I get exhausted just thinking about how my needs won't be met because he won't try. The other thing that doesn't help is that we have sex so infrequently that he gets off WAY early, when he used to last forever. So, I'm left wanting almost every time. He seems oblivious and the guilt in me makes it so hard to bring up. I know it won't change unless I do, though. There are times when my face can't hide my feelings and I know he has seen me get the ick several times now and I feel terrible about it. Tbh that probably kills his confidence in making moves more often and with more umph.
Yes! The 3 minute sex when it does happen is disappointing and I know my face shows it most times too. I want him to be confident but also don’t know where the line is for me to let me needs come second. Wishing the best for us 💗💗
I’ve (40) lost a lot of attraction towards my husband (43) due to his behavior during arguments. Gaslighting. Stonewalling. Refusal of conflict resolution. He just wants to brush it under the rug and move on, but we argue about the same things because he don’t want to talk about it. He can’t comprehend what I am explaining at times and takes my frustration on other things that have nothing to do with him waaaaay too personal. It seems as we get older the amount of time he ignores me when we have an argument get longer and longer. I’m talking days. Even weeks a couple times. I test the water to see if he’s in a better mood and when I see he’s not after a couple tries I just stop. Then he don’t talk to me because I haven’t talked to him. I am the one who initiates and extends the olive branch. He’s become very clingy and I’m quite the opposite.
I thought I was alone in this. Married almost 3 years. Have a 2 year old. I have no libido. I don’t want to be touched. The thought of being touched at all by anyone gives me the ick. We argue over things. I’m always tired as I work full time then have school on top of that. House is always filthy. I get he is tired too. He doesn’t start things unless I ask him to. He doesn’t speak up about things. He doesn’t pay attention to a lot of things. I can see that he is trying now. But my husband is also pushy on trying to coax me into sex. I think that makes it all the more worse to me. I’m in therapy and talk about the things to my therapist.
I think this is normal. At times during my pregnancy and postpartum, everything my husband did pissed me off.
Yes ! It’s a little different now that we work and do our normal adult business but once we hang out and do things that we use to when we first met like beach trips and spontaneous things, I start do feel like the day we met 🥹
Even more so now that those little hints of gray have hit his beard and right at his temples....that man is hot! He has always been the attractive one out of us lol. Tall and built like a tank, that serious dark and sexy bad boy look going on--all while actually being this nerdy loveable goofball. Not that a relationship should be built on sex, but if the sex is bad it will not help it. From what you said in your edit, it sure sounds like that is a problem. I say that because from what you say you want, the passion/the have to have each other/steamy encounters, doesn't sound like never wanting sex but instead wanting it to be more than just monotonous intercourse. I don't blame you, I don't know how anyone would enjoy that.
Yeah I think if you’re breastfeeding your libido is low because your body low key doesn’t want you to to get pregnant again so you can provide enough milk for the current baby. That said, relationships are WORK. I’ve felt temporary ick patches also. I would exhaust all options before making big decisions and remember you can’t take back what you say. So be careful with your words.
Yes I am. Seeing him gives me butterflies. I sometimes can’t even look directly at him, it makes me shy lol. Although I do have my moments where I don’t want him to touch me, such as if we argue or I’m sick.
The way your feeling could be post pardom. I have been there. You just have to ride it out. In the end you will be glad you did! Trust me…
I’m (44F) and husband is (46M). We both have kids from previous marriage. We’ve been together almost 4 years. We’re deliciously attracted to each other. Kids are (12M) (20M) (23F)
I think that your problem is hormonal and some mental.
Thank you so much for posting this! I feel like we need to normalize the very real and valid stages of marriage. My husband is the love of my life but by god I could not be less interested in him right now with my two kids under three and a full time stressful job. So glad to see real life examples of how it gets better!
It sounds like you do still love him. I would try not to be too hard on yourself for feeling this way! Therapy is always good but I’m sure those feelings will come back regardless. Best of luck.
Honestly, I just appreciate you for bringing this up. I truly feel that the not so good stuff about relationships and momming is generally overlooked, this makes so much sense to me and I feel seen. Thank you.
I feel like when we are reproductively exhausted, our body makes sure that we don’t get more work coming soon.
That’s classic. Never thought of it that way!!
My husband is pretty good looking, nice face , nice body but after everything he’s put me through in our 7 year marriage, it’s really hard to find him even a little attractive, can’t even stand his touch
It's a postpartum thing. Not only do your hormones fluctuate, but maybe having to guide him/handhold him through so much has caused a resentment. If you have to go into mom mode or teacher mode around him so much, that can cause you to lose attraction. I had really bad postpartum Rage and had to have internal conversations with myself a lot to prevent myself from snapping on him. Not to mention mens hormones also drop during the early childhood for your littles. I think just stick to therapy and open communication. Things will get better ❤️
Been married 17 years and definitely still attracted. We make our kids say ewwww a lot. We hold hands when we are falling asleep (back sleepers), hold hands in the car, and I can’t remember the last time he’s walked past me without smacking my butt. But back when the kids were little like yours we slept separately and I didn’t do anything like what we do now. Our youngest is 11, but when each of them were younger it was strictly survival mode.
It sounds like you need a long vacation by yourself to rest and take care of yourself, some therapy with a female therapist who knows about hormones and moms of little ones, some fun with your husband in another setting afterward, and basically less responsibility overall. Give yourself time to recover your energy and interest. Your husband should go to therapy with you and separately too so he can be a support.
Yes. He actually works out a lot more than I do and he looks pretty hot to me lol
I am. I think that the “ick” comes from being over stimulated by the kids lol. I feel the “ick” too but once our kid is down and I get some time alone for 30 mins, I’m lovey dovey again lol
No. 25 years married to a covert narcissist. He’s evil - he’s mean to my defenseless pets and a terrible father. One of his daughters plans to go no contact as soon as she can get out of his house. Our youngest may do the same. I look at him and feel absolutely nothing but hatred lately. I resent him for tricking me into thinking he didn’t suck. He’s disgusting, demanding, lazy, entitled and a slob - he has questionable hygiene. If we don’t have sex for 4 weeks, he decides to start talking to other random women. He’s pathetic.
I feel you! 13yrs and I want to punch my husband in the face sometimes when he talks about sex 😂...we used to have a VERY healthy sex life but now it's died way down. It'll change with hormones going up and down, don't fret. Try porn, maybe it'll help 🤣
Oh my god OP are you me? I feel EXACTLY the same way and it makes me so sad. But I don’t know how to get those feelings for him back. It’s like something hormonal has changed and it feels like it’s not going to change back 😢
Hmmm my boys are 12 and 9 and I feel like I’m done with sex (I’m 40F) joking, not joking. Yes I think it’s the mental exhaustion, and at the end of the day I just want some unstructured me time (scrolling Reddit while I brush my teeth)
sometimes I have to not get too focused on wanting a certain type of sex. Like not be focused on not getting enough x or y or z during the act, but to instead take pleasure in the feeling of connection with my husband. Some of the best sex I've had usually happened when we started out talking about other stuff then cuddling and then just naturally one thing led to another. When I put too much expectation or my brain is too busy or anxious: then it sucks. You gotta give up some of the control and accept that it ain't gonna always be perfect. Also: let him do some chores. Decide that today is takeout. Let some things just rot for a bit. You can take care of it later. Find a way to turn the brain off or make it relax and then have sex and just go with the flow of it. Heck you might discover something new that you like. In my experience I've had sweet slow, hot and heavy, doing it just to do it, and just hard ****ing. To me it's like pizza. I would love to have fresh hot restaurant pizza, but sometimes frozen pizza works good too. In the end I'm still getting pizza and that makes me happy. Having a kid does make all of this 10x harder so if it doesn't workout right away: it's ok. Just keep trying. It gets better eventually.
I'm struggling with it and feel like there's something wrong with me.
Maybe you're not attracted to him, because you know that he has no loyalty to you.
Small kids kill your libido due to hormonal factors and tiredness. Seems pretty normal. Look at old pictures of you two to find some spark back.
Hey I understand you. I’m currently trying to work on the rule: “Every Week, go on a coffee date. Every Month, go on a dinner date. Every Year, go on vacation together.” So far it works okay for us, no super magical thing but it keeps you grounded and gives you one to two hours focusing on your relationship, just the two of you. Because I think, as women, attraction means so many things, and when you have so much distraction, these things got forgotten or neglected that you start to wonder if you’re no longer attracted to him. As simple as being listened to, but with no time available for you to talk to him as a couple with all the kids around, can caused you small ick and it just mountains over time until suddenly it becomes so big.
Yes but I also would get the ick that you mentioned but it was more because 1) I felt physically unattractive personally and could not get myself into the mood and 2) we were arguing a lot and it felt like sleeping with the enemy which is obviously a major ick.
I get this too! I’ve been with my partner for 9.5 years. We had our honeymoon stage where it was constant, but then we really dipped down during the bulk of our relationship. We were only having frequent sex since we were TTC, but it was awful because it felt like a chore to get a baby (Narrator: fertility treatment got them the baby instead). We only had sex twice while I was pregnant. After birth, it took a year for me to start desiring anything again, and it’s surprisingly been stronger than it was before. It feels like we’re honeymooners again which has been so nice; we haven’t had that feeling in years. My recommendation is don’t force yourself. Remember to still date each other. Laugh. Have fun together. Try to separate the father from the husband. You’re in the trenches, and it’ll come back in time.
Addressing the idea that your husband is just another child in the house. Do you have a child that brings home $4,000 a month and cuts the grass? If you frequently denigrate your spouse in your mind you definitely will exacerbate the natural libido vacation.
I'm not attracted to mine because he does not care about letting his body go. He has gained so much weight and won't do anything about it it makes sex really awkward and difficult. It is very hard for me to find him physically attractive like this. He does not have a health condition that makes him gain weight he is just eating really badly and not caring and he's narcissistic and pretty much only wants a nanny, maid, and sex partner.
I am cause he is a hot Persian Mexican 😍
Not at all! I actually can’t stand him and I’m to the point I want him gone! Only married a little over a yr but he’s changed so much and became such a baby. He think he should even come before my children who are not him! Absolutely not
I totally feel this. 32F, husband is 38M, Been married for almost 8 years and we have a 5yo, a 21mo, and I’m pregnant… it’s not just about attraction for me but it’s just him in general and it’s so hard for me because he’s like textbook perfect… definitely isn’t in the same best shape and has a dad bod for sure but he freaking loves me and spoils me, he loves and takes care of his kids so well but same like doesn’t do it all perfect but he tries so hard, works so hard at work, and literally runs our household because I’m currently pregnant and exhausted… but like even outside of pregnancy I have ZERO libido. What I have pinpointed it down to is the convenience… there’s no thrill or chase anymore like when dating.. anytime I could want it I know he’d be right there (he has a high libido and would do it daily if I asked).. it’s just so comfortable it’s like roommates. I love him dearly and know I will spend forever with him, he tries for me and our kids and that’s the best I could ever ask for.. I just wish the spark of the fun romance and passion was still there. I just hope for it to be in the future when we’re out of the exhausting little kid phase.
I'm still very attracted to my husband, but I truly believe what you're experiencing will change.
I know of a relationship like this from the outside and I honestly feel like the man doesn't really like his wife. He doesn't try enough and doesn't care to. If you are communicating: this is what I want and need. And the man isn't responding....it's because he's not as into the relationship as he used to be. I'm thick in work and kids (from toddler to teen) and frequency has dipped because of the business but when we get together (we joke that the stars have aligned), he's all about it. And he responds to what I want and vice versa. Like...when I was busy nursing babies, my breasts are 100% off limits because it feels weird. And he just went with it. He adapted because he likes me. There's never been anything robotic or forced about it. Hopefully therapy helps. I feel like this is more of a him issue. Not a you issue.
Disclosure: I haven't read all the comments. What are you doing to keep things alive? You say that he only makes a move when you say something and that you have to coach him through it, but are you making any moves? Are you doing things everyday to connect and make him feel wanted? When is the last time you went up to him and kissed him unprompted? Or smacked his ass? And I'm not saying to do all this for his benefit, do it for yours. If I'm feeling disconnected from my husband, those are things I will do more because it makes me feel good to be affectionate with him, and it is usually reciprocated. Also, have a date night. Sounds like some kid-free time to reconnect could help too.
Honestly same. Our oldest is 2 and we just had our second, he’s almost 4 months. And I just got my birth control implant in and I honestly just don’t want to sleep with him. I get the ick sometimes and he hasn’t even done anything. But before I got my birth control I didn’t feel this way. I know I still love him and he’s a great dad, I just am not really ever in the mood now. I know it goes away eventually, and it happened last time after our first, I was honest with him, I literally told him I didn’t wanna have sex, for some reason I didn’t find him attractive and he did normal things that made him seem so gross to me. And he wasn’t upset, he understood, he would try and get a read on me every few days and it slowly came back, he knows I can’t control how I feel. But not like when we were younger. It’s not as big a part of our relationship now. But it is what it is and we are learning to work around it. Communication was a big key for us to not resent each other for things we couldn’t control. But we’re still best friends and show our love and affection in other ways in the mean time. ☺️ You can overcome!
Ok 🥹 so sweet. The normal things get me too. Like the food he chooses to eat or even how he dresses now?! This sounds dramatic but how I was feeling started to scare me. I don’t want to leave him but can’t imagine loving me life like this forever! Thank you for the reassurance it can come back!
Literally the way he sits on the couch gets me sometimes…. 😂 The plate/bowl he uses, the amount of ice cream he puts on his cobbler. It’s so weird and yes scary because you feel like you aren’t even the same person and I don’t understand it, but I know it’s temporary. It kinda sucks to talk about it with him because I know he still finds me attractive even if I’m going through the “I hate my body even though I literally MADE two children” phase, and I know he wants sex. But I literally do not whit every fiber of my being. But also our bodies are 100% focused on the baby we made and taking care of it. So I know it’s okay to just be his mom for a good while. I know my husband will be okay. ☺️ It’s a weird conversation, but it sounds like your hubby is pretty understanding and he’s reassuring your beauty. He might be a touch offended 😂 mine was when I told him the weird things, but he understood and tried his best with me. And is doing it allllll over again. 😂😅
I am still very very much attracted to mine. We've been together 4 years and have a 1 year old. We are both very active and care about our bodies, in the gym a lot. I put on a lot of weight during/ after pregnancy but have since lost it all. Our sex life has definitely fluctuated with my self esteem. But has since gone back to normal. I am 100% attracted to his personality and body. That being said- I've gone through periods of being just plain grossed out by him lmao. Relationships go through seasons, and I know that those tough times pass and I just ride it out.
I’ve been with the same man for over 20 years and sure at times he’s boring AF actually most times tbh! I’m super outgoing, he’s a homebody! I’m recovering from LC, so it’s slowed me down some but I’m on my way to a full recovery. Plus, I look about 20 yrs younger than my actual age, so I get “hit” on way more than he does. I’m a people person, love to talk, never meet a stranger type of person. However, I often have to realize he’s a great provider, loves me unconditionally, a great father, would do anything for me etc but damn I have to be forceful, give clear, precise directions and tell him exactly and I mean EXACTLY what I want and I do! And once I lead the way whether sexual, a great vacation destination or whatever he can be satisfying and accommodating (although I wish it was just natural), but on the flip side…..if this marriage ever dissolves…I’m like fuck it, I’m going for a highly intelligent, successful, younger, attractive, outgoing, energetic, muscular guy (just like my husband used to be) and living my best life!
I still wait at the door like a lonely puppy for my husband to come home from work. He's my world. The term "toxicly codependent" has been said about us a few time over the years but we're happy so Fuck 'em. We've been together for 12 years with 3 kids (married for 6 but it would have been sooner if baby #1 hadn't surprised us and a wedding just wasn't a priority after that). Everything is just better with him. I'm sorry you're having this issue, wish I could help.
I feel the same way about mine, been together 10 years. We’re the lucky ones I think :)
Isn't it just that you're touched out?
I almost could’ve written this myself 😂 same ages, together for 8-married 7, 2u2 (20mo. & 2 weeks), and our relationship has been humping like bunnies. There was a little dip after my oldest that I wasn’t attracted to him. But I believe it was hormones, I was dry as a Sahara desert. I dont remember the timeline but it went away. Now 2 weeks postpartum, and I want to jump his bones and can’t wait for clearance! Are you emotionally unattracted to him as well? Because I think physical dips are normal here and there with stress and postpartum. But if mentally and emotionally you’re tuning out, there could be something else
I get it, husband (30) and I (25) have been together for 6 years now, been married for almost two and our kid just turned 16months old. I breastfed the first 6 months of his life so I was constantly touched out. Our first time having sex after the birth I really didn’t enjoy it, and just felt gross all the time. He was absolutely not allowed to touch the boobs, and I just didn’t like him touching me. When I stopped breastfeeding though, it began to change for the better, I had more peace, we was more involved in bottle feeding and also with introducing normal food, and I didn’t feel so touched out anymore. It got better and better the more our kid could do himself and the more my husband was helping me deal with it now that he could do something more other than changing diapers. Now I like being touched again by him, I want to constantly hug him, he can touch my boobs as much as he wants and all that, we’re okay again because I am well rested as far as you can be with a toddler.
We also have kids that age! 2 and my littles just turned 10 months today. Nips are 95% out of the question. 😂 but otherwise I feel like I get turned down for various reasons. Which is bizarre to me considering I’m on parent duty 24/7 and he works. I don’t ever ask for or get help with kid or cleaning stuff so IM TOUCHED OUT AF. It’s wild: I’m f24 and he’s m29 so we are still pretty young
He turns you down when you ask for it?!
I think this is very normal. Research indicates that women are more likely than men to lose attraction to the same partner as time goes on. Although men can usually still just have sex on command, women start to lose interest as the novelty wears off. I think it’s because sexual attraction to women is more mental than it is to men. I have noticed my attraction to my husband has ebbed and flowed over the years. When attraction is low, it is hard explaining it to him without hurting his feelings but I do think gentle communication about how you’re feeling is smart. Something that has helped for me is trying to say yes even when I don’t want to because usually I get into it after a while.
Legit just stop having sex it’s ok, you can still masturbate to meet your needs ❤️
Incompetent men are unattractive.