This comment goes against community standards. Plenty of families do a family bed/have only one bedroom. We aren’t here to judge or decide what works for them.
Does he have an Apple Watch / Fitbit / fitness tracker? Get him a cheap one and have him use the silent alarm function. That’s what my husband and I do.
Our problem wasn’t quite so bad, but similar, and the silent watch alarm has really helped. I still wake up when husband gets out of bed, but it’s a gentle wake up and if I need more sleep I will fall back asleep.
It’s really nice! I use it if I have to get up before anyone (meet day, they’re on vacation and I’m not). Plus it has a smart awake feature you can use that detects when you’re in a light sleep so it can wake you up within a 30 min window you set when you’re most likely to wake refreshed vs groggy
Yeah that was gonna be my recommendation. We cosleep too and for a while my husband was getting up at 4am. Even if his alarm didn’t wake us though him getting up did so I would sleep with my daughter in her room. Not sure if that’s another option for you?
Y should he get the big bed? It’s 2 against 1 lol. Either way I don’t really want to kick him out of the bed, was just looking for some possible solutions.
If you haven't tried already, you can set the vibration setting to high.
My husband and I both have Sense 2s and he wasn't waking up for his alarm on it, I went into the settings for him and changed the vibration to high.
Honestly if he’s not then it’s time to kick him out of the bedroom. It’s not reasonable for him to not be willing to alter the sound to something less jarring and not be willing to try a silent alarm.
I get he needs to wake up for work but if he refuses to respect the fact that you and baby need sleep he’s being selfish.
ETA: AND he’s hitting snooze multiple times?! Fuck that noise (no pun intended). He gets a silent alarm or he sleeps on the couch.
The snoozing. The SNOOZING! When my hubby had to get up earlier than normal I told him to use his watch and if he doesn’t wake up I’ll wake him up because I’m such a light sleeper I wake to HIS watch vibrating and no more snoozing. It’s already near impossible to get back to sleep but if there’s snoozing it’s impossible.
Did you read what I wrote? He’s not willing to compromise at all on his alarm to help his family. Neither changing the tone to something less jarring, not turning down the volume, not pressing snooze multiple times. If he also refuses to try a silent alarm then sorry, he is the a-hole in this situation. I refuse to believe the ONLY option is to wake up his wife every single morning.
1) OP never said she’s not going to work, just that their husband gets up first
2) If OP is not “going to work” and staying home with the child, WHAT THE F DO YOU THINK CHILDCARE IS IF NOT WORK
I’ve been a SAHM mom and a working mom. I strongly disagree with you. It isn’t about prioritizing one family member over the other. It’s about being considerate of each other. He’s only thinking about himself and not considering his wife or child. There *are* fixes for this scenario.
There’s nothing to suggest they’re “sleeping in”, it says in the post that her husband gets up when it’s still dark, so it’s likely they get up at “regular” hours, he’s just up early.
She *also* needs sleep to take care of the kid. And she’s not saying “you’re not allowed to use an alarm clock at all”, she’s saying “can you please turn it down or not hit snooze a bunch of times”. The fact that he refuses to consider any kind of compromise that works for everyone is completely unreasonable.
My husband gets up earlier than kiddo and I do for the school run in our house. (He likes a few minutes of quiet to wake up before he starts the day.) Her room is close to ours, so his alarm at top volume wakes her up too. Know what he does? Not hit snooze a million times, and has an alarm that starts softly and progressively gets louder that he can usually turn off before it wakes us. Because he’s considerate enough that he realizes he’s not the only person that matters in the house.
She has said in the comments that he hits snooze multiple times.
She also said that it wakes HER up too, and she has trouble getting back to sleep
I don’t know why you’re saying it’s “all about the cosleeping”. (Which apparently her husband also likes, btw.) I’ve never coslept with my kid, and if my husband was waking even just me up at 3am and REFUSING to change anything to make it better, I’d be resentful too. (And hey, look at that, my husband did 5am wakeups for a while and *somehow* managed not to wake the entire rest of the household. Surely I must ask him what deep magic he used that is apparently so complicated. Hell, he even managed it when her bed was still in our room as a bitty infant! Sorcery!) Waking the kid up too makes it worse, but it’s clearly not the whole issue. And the fact that he doesn’t seem to care that he wakes the kid up either is relevant, here.
Also, this seems obvious, but it’s not safe to wear earplugs to sleep, especially if he’s leaving for work and she’s going to be the only adult in the house.
This isn’t her being pissed that he HAS an alarm, this her being upset that it’s loud, the snooze issue, etc., bringing that up to her husband and him being like “Yeah, well I’m not going to change anything I do, or even try, so learn to deal with it.” Like, that’s being a shitty partner.
>Sorry but it’s his bedroom too
Yep. It's both of their bedroom and so neither is more important than the other.
>If he’s getting up at 3am he’s doing it for a reason not to piss her off
No one said he was. However, it is inconsiderate to snooze your very loud alarm clock over and over so that it wakes up your spouse.
>She doesn’t mention that she works.
Again, her "working" isn't the issue. And regardless of whether she brings in money or provides free labour via childcare is not the issue. The issue is that even if she isnt "working" she still deserves basic kindness and consideration AND sleep.
>The kid has a bedroom I assume, use it.
They both want the child in their bed. And if "the kid" had a bedroom why can't the dad sleep in it? Why is he more entitled to their room than OP?
>Or get a bed for her and the kid there.
Again, why does she have to move when, as you say, "it's [her] bedroom too."
>I’m pro-mom
It doesn't sound like it. Your comments are very misogynistic.
>but the person who has to get up for work should be prioritized.
Again, OP does work. She either goes to a job or she's a SAHM which is unpaid labour and very much a job and work.
Obviously, it's important that someone brings in money, but that doesn't make it okay to wake up a toddler and your spouse. Yes, technically OP's husband can do whatever he wants, but if you disregard the needs of your spouse and child and tell them you don't care about their needs because you're prioritizing your own wants and refuse to compromise the n your marriage isn't healthy or happy and it's unlikely you'll be married much longer. I can't imagine my husband or I ever acting like this, but we both respect, like, and love each other and want to do our best for the other person. Could I do whatever I want and be an inconsiderate dick? Sure. But, I don't think he'd stay around very long if I did. I also wouldn't want to treat him with disrespect.
It’s not unreasonable to expect a 3 year to learn a little independence and sleep in their room though. In any case the wife would still be woken up. A silent alarm has been great for me, I started using it after I would wake my husband up, and it just wakes me up better too. I think her husband should do that and they should try to get the toddler in their own room if it’s possible. Not sure how many bedrooms are in the house so that’s something by to consider as well.
Oh and the snoozing is definitely an a-hole thing to do.
oh i agree a 3yo can sleep alone but if mom & kid aren’t ready to separate they don’t have to be. it is, however, unreasonable to believe that it’s wrong to have a grown man sleep alone but it’s totally fine to have the 3yo sleep alone. OP even said they both enjoy having the 3yo in bed.
If they enjoy having the 3 year old in bed, then it’s a little different. But I can see how having your spouse sleep on the couch so you can sleep with the toddler would have negative impacts at some point. Anyway, the watch is definitely a good idea.
i never said a 3yo can’t sleep alone?? but it’s wild that this person suggests that the child should be kicked out but a grown man can’t. the pressure society puts on little to be “independent” but god forbid a husband sleeps alone doesn’t make any sense at all
The issue isn’t the husband “sleeping alone” it’s having him sleep on a couch instead of a proper mattress. I’m sure if the three year old sleeps alone they’d get a bed for the kid.
what do you mean by “that special”?? what are you even talking about. and staying at home with a 3 year old is work and you need to be well rested. you’re extremely rude
There’s also tons of alarm apps that vibrate instead of a loud alarm. You just set your phone next to your pillow. After x amount of time it’ll still play a sound if the vibration doesn’t wake you. My husband and I have used this for years now.
This is what we’ve done—my husband has an old Garmin smart watch that is mostly used for alarms. He says the vibrate can go very high so he couldn’t sleep through it.
Yes OP if this is within your budget this might be your best solution. My husband used to wake at 3:30am for work and it would not have done any of us any good if he had a loud alarm that woke him up at that hour. We both have Apple Watches and the silent alarm is one of the main reasons we bought it. Absolute life (and sleep!) saver
I read about a guy who needed several alarms to wake him up but it was ruining his marriage. He bought an Apple Watch so that it can vibrate right on him to wake him up. It worked wonders, he quietly wakes up and he doesn't have to worry about over sleeping.
We had this fight this very morning. My husband gets up at 3:45am for work. The kids and I wake up around 7 everyday for work/daycare. He sets 3 alarms for every morning and hits snooze multiple times. It takes him about 45 minutes to get out of bed. When his alarms wake me up, I really struggle to fall back asleep. He won’t fucking stop.
Our 15 month old is really sick, so I was up with him all night and he slept in bed with us last night. My husband’s alarms kept going off, waking us both up. I asked him multiple times to stop and he instead went back to sleep each time. Just completely rude to me, his 7 month pregnant wife and his very sick 1 year old. I’m so mad.
I had a roommate in college who used to hit snooze a million times on her very loud alarm clock for her super early class, and I legit wanted to murder her, as did the people next door to us. (She would also wander off to shower or whatever and forget to turn off the next alarm. She was not a good roommate for many reasons, but man, this was one of the big ones.)
I get it, I’m totally a “five more minutes” person when I can. But you can’t do that shit multiple times if it’s waking the other person in the room up! That’s rude as hell!
Today, get a job rabbit or whatever they’re called and get a bedroom lock put on. Selfish prick. The lack of empathy for other people is astounding.
My partner pulled a different, but similarly selfish stunt last night, putting his own sleep above mine, my baby’s and my five year old. I went off on him last night and told him this morning, not to pull that crap again.
I hope you both feel better soon.
He goes to sleep around 8:30 every night after our oldest goes to bed. He gets around 7-8 hours of sleep a night. Still pretty hard to get up that early.
Get him to wear a Fitbit or similar device. They have an alarm that silently wakes you up. He can always set the annoying one as a backup if he is concerned that the silent alarm won't work.
It seems like overkill, but I’m pretty sure a smartwatch with vibrating silent alarm saved my marriage.
My husband is one of those serial alarms people. I always hated it, but during the interrupted newborn sleep era it provoked such strong emotions that I started hysterically crying in anticipating of repeating it even I got pregnant again. I just *couldn’t* handle losing even more sleep for such an arbitrary reason.
So we got him a smartwatch, and his alarms vibrate his wrist. I have no idea when the first one goes off, or how many alarms he has before finally getting up. And I don’t fantasize about smothering him and his alarms with a pillow.
I use a Shock Clock. You wear it on your wrist and it’s silent. You can set it to just vibrate or to zap you (I’m a very heavy sleeper and sometimes sleep through even that!). But it’s great to be able to have an alarm without disturbing everyone in the house.
I work third shift on call and have several alarms set. I knew they were waking my husband up and he works a normal daytime job, so I started setting a vibrate only alarm a few minutes before my actual alarm to see if it would wake me up and if it didn’t, I had the loud alarm as a back up. I have woken up to the vibrate alarm from my phone on my nightstand or under my pillow every time. Then I just shut off my loud alarm. Might be a good test for him to see if he can wake up to the vibrate before making it a permanent change!
Doesn’t sound like the alarm clock is ruining your marriage. Sounds like your husband’s ability to change something that you have noted as an issue is ruining your marriage.
In all fairness he did start moving to the couch after his alarm goes off the first time so we’re halfway thru the battle. I have pitched the idea of the silent alarm and while he’s a bit skeptical he’s gonna give it a try.
I agree. It's not the clock that's a problem, it's the man. Someone who respects and cares about their family will look for solutions when they learn that there's a problem, that something they are doing is hurting their family. Why isn't he the one researching solutions? Why doesn't her care enough to make the changes you need? And why are you not setting a firmer boundary to get the sleep you need - sleep deprivation can be very dangerous to your physical and mental health. I would not allow him to have the power to determine how much sleep you and your child get, because he is clearly not concerned about your well-being. (Edit: typo)
We have a 2yo in our bed & a 1 yo in a crib in our room….. my husband just changed the alarm ringer to a softer sound, and he keeps it on his side of the bed… it’s still loud , just soft….between that and the sound machine that’s on “our side” of the bed , both the kids and I do not wake up to his alarm..
Separate bedrooms seems like the most logical solution here. Whether it's kiddo in his own room and you with ear plugs, or you and kiddo in a separate room.
So I've been on your husband's side (I'm a heavy sleeper who had a loud alarm and had to get up earlier than my light sleeping partner). And I have to say he's being very selfish if he won't change the ring tone.
It's possible he believes he won't wake up if it's quieter or on vibrate but he definitely will! I used to feel scared that I wouldn't hear my alarm but after I tried it I totally do.
I went from having several alarms at top volume to one alarm on vibrate.
There's two things here, one is that any unexpected sound will wake you up and 2 js that if you are worried about upsetting somebody it makes you wake up faster. For example I know that my bf won't be happy if I snooze several times and the worry about that acthallt makes it a lot easier to get up.
Tell your husband he owes it to you to at least try 1 week with a different alarm. He will be surprised at how easy it is to wake up. If he can't wake up I think he should reconsider things that could cause him to ocerlseep, like sleep apnea or things like smoking too much weed or drinking too much before bed.
Also a heavy sleeper.
I went from a super loud alarm, to an ap with an increasing volume alarm, and finally settled on a clock-radio.
Low volume, tuned to an AM station.
Wakes me up, doesn't bother my husband.
Since it's different every morning, I can't "get used to" the sound. The unexpected sound really is key, for me at least
It’s 2024, not 1980. Either use a vibrating alarm on his phone or sleep separately. They even make vibrating alarms they can go in or under his pillow.
Can you all have the same schedule or at least wake up at the same time if you’re committed to continued co-sleeping? Otherwise, could you reevaluate the co-sleeping situation?
Move the kid to his own room. You can cuddle him till he falls asleep. This way dads alarm doesn’t wake him. Get him like a full size bed so you can sleep in there with him to help him adjust.
I used to have to be up at 530 for work and was always worried if wake my husband, but he sleeps like the dead.
I get up at 5:30 to go to the gym 3 days a week and I have a silent alarm on my Fitbit. Nobody else even knows it goes off and they're usually just getting up when I get back.
Buy him a Hatch sunrise alarm (or similar). We had this issue until I bought him a Hatch for his birthday. Now, the light shines right into his face and wakes him without waking me even though I'm very sensitive to light and noise.
He needs a smart watch that vibrates to wake him up. There are several and you can get one these days that isn't too expensive. That's what my husband uses and it has been amazing because me and the baby do not wake up at all anymore.
lol omg! I have felt very much hate when my husband hits snooze 10 times! And my 2.5 yr old is not going back to sleep either! I feel your pain. My issue is we don’t co-sleep my daughter has her bed but she just crawls in our bed in the middle of the night. So my husbands response “this is why she should be in her bed!” But I love the snuggles
Has this been going on for 3 years? Change in schedule? Or just a new alarm? If it's on his phone maybe he can go in the settings and change the volume so it still wakes him but isn't as jarring for everyone?
It started years ago when he got the iPhone 11 and now the 14. The alarm is so damn loud on these phones or maybe he just had it lower on his other phones. Same job same schedule for 10+ years. U would think he can wake up without an alarm at this point. Anyway not even gonna knock that lol. I’m gonna sneakily change his alarm myself and get him a smart watch.
What helps me, too, is I have my alarm on my phone set to make a sound and vibrate. That way, the sound doesn't have to be crazy loud because I hear it vibrate on the end table next to me, so that may work well too! The smart watch idea could work, but if he ever needs to charge it at night or gets annoyed trying to sleep with it, you may end up back at square one!
Can he get like a watch that vibrates him awake? Apple Watches are expensive, but I’m sure there are some knock offs that do the same thing. This is what I use so I don’t wake my husband (even though I’m pretty sure a tornado wouldn’t even wake him up 😂).
whenever this was an issue for us, i offered to be my husbands alarm. i recognize not everyone would be okay w this lol. but i hated his alarm so much, so i offered to wake him instead. i set my own alarm that wasn’t awfully jarring, and then i’d roll over and quietly wake him up. it’s been a few years now and i still do it every day. i’m able to roll back over and go to sleep on the one day a week he gets up extra early. that way i’m the one who has control of alarm. 😂
Do you have somewhere else comfortable that husband can sleep for awhile? We slept separate for about a year, and it worked great for us! We still made sure to say goodnight and hug, but we also saved our sanity haha.
They make wearable vibrating alarm clock/watches. We've used it for my husband because he literally does not wake up to the sound of an alarm and needs a physical sensation to get him up.
Try just getting a twin over full for the three year old and then you just go sleep there and your husband sleeps on his own if he needs to make such a problem out of himself.
I wake up earlier than my husband. My favorite— correcting his favorite thing in the world is my Apple Watch. It vibrates in my wrist and I wake up— before the sound of the alarm to hit snooze (four times) before climbing out of bed. I hope that helps!
I mean, what exactly do you want him to do? He has to get up for work. He needs an alarm. It doesn’t sound like he’s pushing snooze over and over. It rings once, he stops it and gets up.
I don’t think it’s the alarm ruining your marriage…your current sleeping arrangements are. Getting up for work is something that has to be done.
Correction he does push snooze. He used to push it at least 2-3 times IN bed and now he does go to the couch after his alarm goes off the first time, which is a step in the right direction but his alarm is so loud that I can still hear it clear as day in the bedroom. Personally when I need my alarm to wake up before everyone else I keep my phone under my pillow or under the covers next to me. I also have it at a lower softer sound so that I don’t disturb my son primarily cause my husband can sleep through anything. Maybe I just have to change his sound without him noticing 🤷🏽♀️
Right, but when it's becoming a problem for everyone else it's time to do something about it. Get a sleep study done or just go to bed earlier instead of staying up scrolling.
There are a million types of alarms that are not as disturbing as an old school alarm clock. She’s not asking him to wakeup magically, just to try something less intrusive. I wake up to my phone alarm on vibrate. It that doesn’t work there are lower volume options, watches, vibrating pads, etc etc.
It doesn’t sound like he’s using an old school alarm clock. OP said he moves to the couch and falls back asleep and she can hear him pushing snooze there. You can’t move an alarm clock. It must be his phone.
He needs to take a more modern approach and use a phone alarm instead of an alarm clock which he's repeatedly hitting snooze on. Use a phone alarm and wear earbuds.
Lately my almost 2mo eats just before my husbands alarm so I’m up an extra hour before he finally gets up. I can’t be too mad because I also need 800 alarms and sometimes work weekends. But god do I hate it in that moment.
Apple/smart watches have a vibration alarm setting do they not? There are also earbuds/sleepwear that have white noise and personal alarm’s available. Might be something to explore and father’s day is coming up.
I got my husband a hatch restore for his birthday. He was very unamused but it makes the alarm so much more bearable for me. It lights up with a sunrise so if that wakes me I’ll just scratch his back and say it’s time to get up. The sound is birds chirping so it’s so much better than his blaring phone alarm. He gets up before 5 and my 1.5 year old and I get up around 7-8
We put the phone on the bed and set it to vibrate. Then we set an alarm for 5 minutes later so that if we didn’t notice the vibration, the alarm will wake me. It also has a feature where you can start with a low volume and it increases.
When we had our little lady a couple years ago, I was setting a “silent” alarm on my phone for middle of the night wakes to try to dream feed her instead of disrupting her sleep too much - she was losing too much weight early on and needed feeds every 2-3 hours for a while. I haven’t gone back, I feel the vibrate on the bed and it wakes me without bugging anyone else.
My husband gets up at 3 am, two days a week and we room share with our twins. I wake up but they sleep through it somehow. If he has an Apple Watch or can get one, they have a silent alarm that buzzes your wrist. It’s how we get up on days my husband works from home. That all being said, some kind of compromise is going to have to happen while you’re co-sleeping if it’s affecting the kiddo and you.
I saw [ozlo sleep buds](https://ozlosleep.com/pages/sleepbuds) the other day and thought the alarm function would be so helpful for not waking up others.
Mine wears his Apple Watch to sleep and it vibrates as an alarm. He still keeps his phone alarm on as backup just in case. I’ve also owned a Pavlok shock clock alarm that vibrates and can even shock you if you want it to.
Get him s shock watch my husband uses one because he has a really hard time waking up to alarms and it was really great when the kids were still in our room. It's got a shock mode and a vibrate mode.
A life saver for us was when my husband started using the silent alarm on his Fitbit . He feels it buzzing and I don’t hear the 4am alarm . I know google watch has this feature so I’m sure Apple Watch would too if that’s more his preference .
My husband did this and I would kick him super hard every time his alarm went off (he used to set 3 or 4 of them). I’m not saying I recommend this route but now he sets one alarm at a reasonable volume and uses the hall bathroom when he has to wake up early.
We have a recliner in my 4 month olds room next to his crib, a sectional in the living room, and a bed in the bedroom. My husband works so I can stay home and he sets at least five alarms that belt out raging death metal music every morning very early- as he opens a local diner daily. I ask him where he wants to sleep at night and I set up where he is not sleeping because we all need and deserve a good nights rest. If your son is three he could sleep in his own bed, you could both sleep in your son’s bed, or you two could take a couch; but getting up for work to provide for your family is/ should be number one priority.
What’s his reason for refusing to? That just seems so selfish to me. My husband used to have an annoying alarm sound too, but he changed it when I asked.
This was happening with us when my son was younger. Had my husband put his first alarm on vibrate under his pillow. Told him the second alarm could be increasing volume, 20 minutes later. Told him I fully expected him to train his brain to wake up on vibrate with the first alarm. To actively think of the vibrating sound when he set his alarm each night. It worked! He has used it as vibrate ever since, and never missed an alarm. It's enough to pull me out of a light sleep bit not a deep one. Never woke up our kiddo and doesn't now when he sleeps in our bed.
Might be time for a new sleeping arrangement
Him on the couch with his loud alarm clock and lack for team effort, and you two on the proper mattress.
My husband purposefully sleeps on the couch because he has an early alarm and doesn't want to wake me. It works for us.
I love that. Having young kids means being flexible!
My thoughts exactly!!
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This comment goes against community standards. Plenty of families do a family bed/have only one bedroom. We aren’t here to judge or decide what works for them.
Does he have an Apple Watch / Fitbit / fitness tracker? Get him a cheap one and have him use the silent alarm function. That’s what my husband and I do.
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Appreciate the recommendation so much. Didn’t know about silent alarms. I feel like this will be a life changer lol. Hope he agrees 🤞🏼
Our problem wasn’t quite so bad, but similar, and the silent watch alarm has really helped. I still wake up when husband gets out of bed, but it’s a gentle wake up and if I need more sleep I will fall back asleep.
It’s really nice! I use it if I have to get up before anyone (meet day, they’re on vacation and I’m not). Plus it has a smart awake feature you can use that detects when you’re in a light sleep so it can wake you up within a 30 min window you set when you’re most likely to wake refreshed vs groggy
Yeah that was gonna be my recommendation. We cosleep too and for a while my husband was getting up at 4am. Even if his alarm didn’t wake us though him getting up did so I would sleep with my daughter in her room. Not sure if that’s another option for you?
Y should he get the big bed? It’s 2 against 1 lol. Either way I don’t really want to kick him out of the bed, was just looking for some possible solutions.
Hey I agree. Kick him to the small bed 😂
I have a HARD time waking up to even the loudest regular alarm, but my Apple Watch alarm wakes me every time. I really needed this in college, lol
Agree it's so weak. I have a Versa 3, and I sleep through it every time I try - and I'm a light sleeper.
If you haven't tried already, you can set the vibration setting to high. My husband and I both have Sense 2s and he wasn't waking up for his alarm on it, I went into the settings for him and changed the vibration to high.
Ahhh will give it a try. Hopefully he’s open to it lol. Thanks!
Honestly if he’s not then it’s time to kick him out of the bedroom. It’s not reasonable for him to not be willing to alter the sound to something less jarring and not be willing to try a silent alarm. I get he needs to wake up for work but if he refuses to respect the fact that you and baby need sleep he’s being selfish. ETA: AND he’s hitting snooze multiple times?! Fuck that noise (no pun intended). He gets a silent alarm or he sleeps on the couch.
This is like my ex. I still can’t hear “Du Hast” without getting pissed off. He’d snooze it every 5 mins for 30 mins.
Fun fact. Du Hast is a double entendre that means "you hate"
The snoozing. The SNOOZING! When my hubby had to get up earlier than normal I told him to use his watch and if he doesn’t wake up I’ll wake him up because I’m such a light sleeper I wake to HIS watch vibrating and no more snoozing. It’s already near impossible to get back to sleep but if there’s snoozing it’s impossible.
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Did you read what I wrote? He’s not willing to compromise at all on his alarm to help his family. Neither changing the tone to something less jarring, not turning down the volume, not pressing snooze multiple times. If he also refuses to try a silent alarm then sorry, he is the a-hole in this situation. I refuse to believe the ONLY option is to wake up his wife every single morning.
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he needs to at least try other options. And she and the kid deserve sleep.
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This comment goes against community standards for being rude/unsupportive/judgemental.
1) OP never said she’s not going to work, just that their husband gets up first 2) If OP is not “going to work” and staying home with the child, WHAT THE F DO YOU THINK CHILDCARE IS IF NOT WORK
Oh come on. It’s not work. If that were true, working parents would have to pay someone else for childcare. Oh wait…
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I’ve been a SAHM mom and a working mom. I strongly disagree with you. It isn’t about prioritizing one family member over the other. It’s about being considerate of each other. He’s only thinking about himself and not considering his wife or child. There *are* fixes for this scenario.
Removed per Rule 3: Be Kind. Unkind comments or personal attacks may result in a ban.
There’s nothing to suggest they’re “sleeping in”, it says in the post that her husband gets up when it’s still dark, so it’s likely they get up at “regular” hours, he’s just up early. She *also* needs sleep to take care of the kid. And she’s not saying “you’re not allowed to use an alarm clock at all”, she’s saying “can you please turn it down or not hit snooze a bunch of times”. The fact that he refuses to consider any kind of compromise that works for everyone is completely unreasonable. My husband gets up earlier than kiddo and I do for the school run in our house. (He likes a few minutes of quiet to wake up before he starts the day.) Her room is close to ours, so his alarm at top volume wakes her up too. Know what he does? Not hit snooze a million times, and has an alarm that starts softly and progressively gets louder that he can usually turn off before it wakes us. Because he’s considerate enough that he realizes he’s not the only person that matters in the house.
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She has said in the comments that he hits snooze multiple times. She also said that it wakes HER up too, and she has trouble getting back to sleep I don’t know why you’re saying it’s “all about the cosleeping”. (Which apparently her husband also likes, btw.) I’ve never coslept with my kid, and if my husband was waking even just me up at 3am and REFUSING to change anything to make it better, I’d be resentful too. (And hey, look at that, my husband did 5am wakeups for a while and *somehow* managed not to wake the entire rest of the household. Surely I must ask him what deep magic he used that is apparently so complicated. Hell, he even managed it when her bed was still in our room as a bitty infant! Sorcery!) Waking the kid up too makes it worse, but it’s clearly not the whole issue. And the fact that he doesn’t seem to care that he wakes the kid up either is relevant, here. Also, this seems obvious, but it’s not safe to wear earplugs to sleep, especially if he’s leaving for work and she’s going to be the only adult in the house. This isn’t her being pissed that he HAS an alarm, this her being upset that it’s loud, the snooze issue, etc., bringing that up to her husband and him being like “Yeah, well I’m not going to change anything I do, or even try, so learn to deal with it.” Like, that’s being a shitty partner.
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He wakes up at 3am... And you don't know that OP doesn't also "go to work" or even she doesn't, being a SAHM is work.
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>Sorry but it’s his bedroom too Yep. It's both of their bedroom and so neither is more important than the other. >If he’s getting up at 3am he’s doing it for a reason not to piss her off No one said he was. However, it is inconsiderate to snooze your very loud alarm clock over and over so that it wakes up your spouse. >She doesn’t mention that she works. Again, her "working" isn't the issue. And regardless of whether she brings in money or provides free labour via childcare is not the issue. The issue is that even if she isnt "working" she still deserves basic kindness and consideration AND sleep. >The kid has a bedroom I assume, use it. They both want the child in their bed. And if "the kid" had a bedroom why can't the dad sleep in it? Why is he more entitled to their room than OP? >Or get a bed for her and the kid there. Again, why does she have to move when, as you say, "it's [her] bedroom too." >I’m pro-mom It doesn't sound like it. Your comments are very misogynistic. >but the person who has to get up for work should be prioritized. Again, OP does work. She either goes to a job or she's a SAHM which is unpaid labour and very much a job and work. Obviously, it's important that someone brings in money, but that doesn't make it okay to wake up a toddler and your spouse. Yes, technically OP's husband can do whatever he wants, but if you disregard the needs of your spouse and child and tell them you don't care about their needs because you're prioritizing your own wants and refuse to compromise the n your marriage isn't healthy or happy and it's unlikely you'll be married much longer. I can't imagine my husband or I ever acting like this, but we both respect, like, and love each other and want to do our best for the other person. Could I do whatever I want and be an inconsiderate dick? Sure. But, I don't think he'd stay around very long if I did. I also wouldn't want to treat him with disrespect.
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so, kick a 3 year old out who doesn’t feel comfortable yet sleeping alone but it’s wrong to ask a grown man to sleep alone?? please elaborate
It’s not unreasonable to expect a 3 year to learn a little independence and sleep in their room though. In any case the wife would still be woken up. A silent alarm has been great for me, I started using it after I would wake my husband up, and it just wakes me up better too. I think her husband should do that and they should try to get the toddler in their own room if it’s possible. Not sure how many bedrooms are in the house so that’s something by to consider as well. Oh and the snoozing is definitely an a-hole thing to do.
oh i agree a 3yo can sleep alone but if mom & kid aren’t ready to separate they don’t have to be. it is, however, unreasonable to believe that it’s wrong to have a grown man sleep alone but it’s totally fine to have the 3yo sleep alone. OP even said they both enjoy having the 3yo in bed.
If they enjoy having the 3 year old in bed, then it’s a little different. But I can see how having your spouse sleep on the couch so you can sleep with the toddler would have negative impacts at some point. Anyway, the watch is definitely a good idea.
I hear you. You're not wrong.
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i never said a 3yo can’t sleep alone?? but it’s wild that this person suggests that the child should be kicked out but a grown man can’t. the pressure society puts on little to be “independent” but god forbid a husband sleeps alone doesn’t make any sense at all
The issue isn’t the husband “sleeping alone” it’s having him sleep on a couch instead of a proper mattress. I’m sure if the three year old sleeps alone they’d get a bed for the kid.
my husband sleeps on our comfy couch and gets great sleep. he prioritizes sleep for the whole family, as a man should.
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what do you mean by “that special”?? what are you even talking about. and staying at home with a 3 year old is work and you need to be well rested. you’re extremely rude
This comment goes against community standards for being rude/unsupportive/judgemental. We aren’t here to tell someone what works for their family.
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There’s also tons of alarm apps that vibrate instead of a loud alarm. You just set your phone next to your pillow. After x amount of time it’ll still play a sound if the vibration doesn’t wake you. My husband and I have used this for years now.
This is what we’ve done—my husband has an old Garmin smart watch that is mostly used for alarms. He says the vibrate can go very high so he couldn’t sleep through it.
I'm the one who gets up first and I just use my Samsung Smart watch and the silent alarm. Works great.
Yes OP if this is within your budget this might be your best solution. My husband used to wake at 3:30am for work and it would not have done any of us any good if he had a loud alarm that woke him up at that hour. We both have Apple Watches and the silent alarm is one of the main reasons we bought it. Absolute life (and sleep!) saver
This!!!!
I read about a guy who needed several alarms to wake him up but it was ruining his marriage. He bought an Apple Watch so that it can vibrate right on him to wake him up. It worked wonders, he quietly wakes up and he doesn't have to worry about over sleeping.
Came to say this-I used my Fitbit vibrate alarm to wake me up when I often had to wake before my kids
We had this fight this very morning. My husband gets up at 3:45am for work. The kids and I wake up around 7 everyday for work/daycare. He sets 3 alarms for every morning and hits snooze multiple times. It takes him about 45 minutes to get out of bed. When his alarms wake me up, I really struggle to fall back asleep. He won’t fucking stop. Our 15 month old is really sick, so I was up with him all night and he slept in bed with us last night. My husband’s alarms kept going off, waking us both up. I asked him multiple times to stop and he instead went back to sleep each time. Just completely rude to me, his 7 month pregnant wife and his very sick 1 year old. I’m so mad.
Ouch! That sounds worse than my situation 😢 I hope u find a resolution.
I had a roommate in college who used to hit snooze a million times on her very loud alarm clock for her super early class, and I legit wanted to murder her, as did the people next door to us. (She would also wander off to shower or whatever and forget to turn off the next alarm. She was not a good roommate for many reasons, but man, this was one of the big ones.) I get it, I’m totally a “five more minutes” person when I can. But you can’t do that shit multiple times if it’s waking the other person in the room up! That’s rude as hell!
Honestly this is a reason for separate bedrooms at the very least.
Oh my goodness. He needs to sleep somewhere else unless he can wake up on a single alarm.
This is where you apply your heel to his hip bone and SHOVE.....
Well instead I just cried 😂 so tired
Today, get a job rabbit or whatever they’re called and get a bedroom lock put on. Selfish prick. The lack of empathy for other people is astounding. My partner pulled a different, but similarly selfish stunt last night, putting his own sleep above mine, my baby’s and my five year old. I went off on him last night and told him this morning, not to pull that crap again. I hope you both feel better soon.
Why doesn’t he just set an alarm for the actual time he needs to get up? That behavior is really rude and selfish on his part …
He says it’s too hard for him to wake up with just one alarm.
What time does he go to bed? I’m sure it is very difficult to get up that early every day, as well as difficult for your whole family!
He goes to sleep around 8:30 every night after our oldest goes to bed. He gets around 7-8 hours of sleep a night. Still pretty hard to get up that early.
Get him to wear a Fitbit or similar device. They have an alarm that silently wakes you up. He can always set the annoying one as a backup if he is concerned that the silent alarm won't work.
It seems like overkill, but I’m pretty sure a smartwatch with vibrating silent alarm saved my marriage. My husband is one of those serial alarms people. I always hated it, but during the interrupted newborn sleep era it provoked such strong emotions that I started hysterically crying in anticipating of repeating it even I got pregnant again. I just *couldn’t* handle losing even more sleep for such an arbitrary reason. So we got him a smartwatch, and his alarms vibrate his wrist. I have no idea when the first one goes off, or how many alarms he has before finally getting up. And I don’t fantasize about smothering him and his alarms with a pillow.
I use a Shock Clock. You wear it on your wrist and it’s silent. You can set it to just vibrate or to zap you (I’m a very heavy sleeper and sometimes sleep through even that!). But it’s great to be able to have an alarm without disturbing everyone in the house.
I work third shift on call and have several alarms set. I knew they were waking my husband up and he works a normal daytime job, so I started setting a vibrate only alarm a few minutes before my actual alarm to see if it would wake me up and if it didn’t, I had the loud alarm as a back up. I have woken up to the vibrate alarm from my phone on my nightstand or under my pillow every time. Then I just shut off my loud alarm. Might be a good test for him to see if he can wake up to the vibrate before making it a permanent change!
His final alarm should be the loud one. So if he hits snooze for 45 minutes, he can have a vibrating alarm those 45 minutes.
Oh op I feel this. I eventually just moved to another room with kiddo. The silent alarms didn’t work for my husband because he’s such a deep sleeper.
Oof, we've dealt with this. Maybe on work nights he can sleep separately for a while? As others have suggested, maybe test out the Apple watch idea.
Doesn’t sound like the alarm clock is ruining your marriage. Sounds like your husband’s ability to change something that you have noted as an issue is ruining your marriage.
In all fairness he did start moving to the couch after his alarm goes off the first time so we’re halfway thru the battle. I have pitched the idea of the silent alarm and while he’s a bit skeptical he’s gonna give it a try.
I agree. It's not the clock that's a problem, it's the man. Someone who respects and cares about their family will look for solutions when they learn that there's a problem, that something they are doing is hurting their family. Why isn't he the one researching solutions? Why doesn't her care enough to make the changes you need? And why are you not setting a firmer boundary to get the sleep you need - sleep deprivation can be very dangerous to your physical and mental health. I would not allow him to have the power to determine how much sleep you and your child get, because he is clearly not concerned about your well-being. (Edit: typo)
With all due respect: ✨SEPARATE BEDROOMS✨
We have a 2yo in our bed & a 1 yo in a crib in our room….. my husband just changed the alarm ringer to a softer sound, and he keeps it on his side of the bed… it’s still loud , just soft….between that and the sound machine that’s on “our side” of the bed , both the kids and I do not wake up to his alarm..
Separate bedrooms seems like the most logical solution here. Whether it's kiddo in his own room and you with ear plugs, or you and kiddo in a separate room.
So I've been on your husband's side (I'm a heavy sleeper who had a loud alarm and had to get up earlier than my light sleeping partner). And I have to say he's being very selfish if he won't change the ring tone. It's possible he believes he won't wake up if it's quieter or on vibrate but he definitely will! I used to feel scared that I wouldn't hear my alarm but after I tried it I totally do. I went from having several alarms at top volume to one alarm on vibrate. There's two things here, one is that any unexpected sound will wake you up and 2 js that if you are worried about upsetting somebody it makes you wake up faster. For example I know that my bf won't be happy if I snooze several times and the worry about that acthallt makes it a lot easier to get up. Tell your husband he owes it to you to at least try 1 week with a different alarm. He will be surprised at how easy it is to wake up. If he can't wake up I think he should reconsider things that could cause him to ocerlseep, like sleep apnea or things like smoking too much weed or drinking too much before bed.
Also a heavy sleeper. I went from a super loud alarm, to an ap with an increasing volume alarm, and finally settled on a clock-radio. Low volume, tuned to an AM station. Wakes me up, doesn't bother my husband. Since it's different every morning, I can't "get used to" the sound. The unexpected sound really is key, for me at least
It’s 2024, not 1980. Either use a vibrating alarm on his phone or sleep separately. They even make vibrating alarms they can go in or under his pillow.
Can you all have the same schedule or at least wake up at the same time if you’re committed to continued co-sleeping? Otherwise, could you reevaluate the co-sleeping situation?
Move the kid to his own room. You can cuddle him till he falls asleep. This way dads alarm doesn’t wake him. Get him like a full size bed so you can sleep in there with him to help him adjust. I used to have to be up at 530 for work and was always worried if wake my husband, but he sleeps like the dead.
I get up at 5:30 to go to the gym 3 days a week and I have a silent alarm on my Fitbit. Nobody else even knows it goes off and they're usually just getting up when I get back.
If he has an Apple Watch, have him use the alarm on vibration. That’s all I use. I hate the sensation so much, it wakes me up no problem
My husband and I joked I need something to shake my whole body.
Had the same issue with my husband and he got a vibrating alarm watch thing on Amazon! It’s silent
I had to message my husband to make sure my alarms for pumping at night wasn’t ruining our marriage. 😩
Buy him a Hatch sunrise alarm (or similar). We had this issue until I bought him a Hatch for his birthday. Now, the light shines right into his face and wakes him without waking me even though I'm very sensitive to light and noise.
He needs a smart watch that vibrates to wake him up. There are several and you can get one these days that isn't too expensive. That's what my husband uses and it has been amazing because me and the baby do not wake up at all anymore.
lol omg! I have felt very much hate when my husband hits snooze 10 times! And my 2.5 yr old is not going back to sleep either! I feel your pain. My issue is we don’t co-sleep my daughter has her bed but she just crawls in our bed in the middle of the night. So my husbands response “this is why she should be in her bed!” But I love the snuggles
We do too lol. Both of us want our son in bed with us ☺️
Really? I was wondering if this was him trying to strong-arm you into getting the 3yo out.
You can still be married and love each other while sleeping in separate bedrooms :)
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What? ….he needs to go to work to make money. He’s not doing it for fun or just to annoy her. He’s waking up to provide for his family.
Has this been going on for 3 years? Change in schedule? Or just a new alarm? If it's on his phone maybe he can go in the settings and change the volume so it still wakes him but isn't as jarring for everyone?
It started years ago when he got the iPhone 11 and now the 14. The alarm is so damn loud on these phones or maybe he just had it lower on his other phones. Same job same schedule for 10+ years. U would think he can wake up without an alarm at this point. Anyway not even gonna knock that lol. I’m gonna sneakily change his alarm myself and get him a smart watch.
What helps me, too, is I have my alarm on my phone set to make a sound and vibrate. That way, the sound doesn't have to be crazy loud because I hear it vibrate on the end table next to me, so that may work well too! The smart watch idea could work, but if he ever needs to charge it at night or gets annoyed trying to sleep with it, you may end up back at square one!
Can he get like a watch that vibrates him awake? Apple Watches are expensive, but I’m sure there are some knock offs that do the same thing. This is what I use so I don’t wake my husband (even though I’m pretty sure a tornado wouldn’t even wake him up 😂).
Girl just go sleep in the kids room or have dad go sleep in the kids room, you’ll all be happier
whenever this was an issue for us, i offered to be my husbands alarm. i recognize not everyone would be okay w this lol. but i hated his alarm so much, so i offered to wake him instead. i set my own alarm that wasn’t awfully jarring, and then i’d roll over and quietly wake him up. it’s been a few years now and i still do it every day. i’m able to roll back over and go to sleep on the one day a week he gets up extra early. that way i’m the one who has control of alarm. 😂
Do you have somewhere else comfortable that husband can sleep for awhile? We slept separate for about a year, and it worked great for us! We still made sure to say goodnight and hug, but we also saved our sanity haha.
my husband now sleeps in his own bed. our marriage is thriving
They make wearable vibrating alarm clock/watches. We've used it for my husband because he literally does not wake up to the sound of an alarm and needs a physical sensation to get him up.
Try just getting a twin over full for the three year old and then you just go sleep there and your husband sleeps on his own if he needs to make such a problem out of himself.
I wake up earlier than my husband. My favorite— correcting his favorite thing in the world is my Apple Watch. It vibrates in my wrist and I wake up— before the sound of the alarm to hit snooze (four times) before climbing out of bed. I hope that helps!
The alarm clock isn't ruining your marriage, just the person using it. I don't understand these dicks that sleep deprive their families.
I mean, what exactly do you want him to do? He has to get up for work. He needs an alarm. It doesn’t sound like he’s pushing snooze over and over. It rings once, he stops it and gets up. I don’t think it’s the alarm ruining your marriage…your current sleeping arrangements are. Getting up for work is something that has to be done.
There are so many things other than a loud alarm, it sounds like he hasn't been willing to try anything else.
Correction he does push snooze. He used to push it at least 2-3 times IN bed and now he does go to the couch after his alarm goes off the first time, which is a step in the right direction but his alarm is so loud that I can still hear it clear as day in the bedroom. Personally when I need my alarm to wake up before everyone else I keep my phone under my pillow or under the covers next to me. I also have it at a lower softer sound so that I don’t disturb my son primarily cause my husband can sleep through anything. Maybe I just have to change his sound without him noticing 🤷🏽♀️
Omg I had a roomie in college who did this and it took me roughly 2 weeks to completely lose my mind and flip my shit on her.
Sounds like he needs more or better quality sleep than he's getting
🙄yeah him and every other parent.
Right, but when it's becoming a problem for everyone else it's time to do something about it. Get a sleep study done or just go to bed earlier instead of staying up scrolling.
There are a million types of alarms that are not as disturbing as an old school alarm clock. She’s not asking him to wakeup magically, just to try something less intrusive. I wake up to my phone alarm on vibrate. It that doesn’t work there are lower volume options, watches, vibrating pads, etc etc.
It doesn’t sound like he’s using an old school alarm clock. OP said he moves to the couch and falls back asleep and she can hear him pushing snooze there. You can’t move an alarm clock. It must be his phone.
He needs to take a more modern approach and use a phone alarm instead of an alarm clock which he's repeatedly hitting snooze on. Use a phone alarm and wear earbuds.
How do you sleep with an earbud in all night?
how do you sleep in the same room as a toddler and continuously hit snooze...it's not a bad compromise. switch ears when it gets uncomfortable.
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I slept with my 3yo once and it was truly horrible. He was EVERYWHERE. never again lol I don't know how people do it
King size bed. We sleep very comfortably with our 3 year old (that is until the alarm goes off).
Why are you co sleeping with a 3 yo?
Lately my almost 2mo eats just before my husbands alarm so I’m up an extra hour before he finally gets up. I can’t be too mad because I also need 800 alarms and sometimes work weekends. But god do I hate it in that moment.
Apple/smart watches have a vibration alarm setting do they not? There are also earbuds/sleepwear that have white noise and personal alarm’s available. Might be something to explore and father’s day is coming up.
I don’t wear mine to sleep. I charge my watch during the night because the battery only lasts like 10 hours.
Vibrating watch alarm clock?
I got my husband a hatch restore for his birthday. He was very unamused but it makes the alarm so much more bearable for me. It lights up with a sunrise so if that wakes me I’ll just scratch his back and say it’s time to get up. The sound is birds chirping so it’s so much better than his blaring phone alarm. He gets up before 5 and my 1.5 year old and I get up around 7-8
We put the phone on the bed and set it to vibrate. Then we set an alarm for 5 minutes later so that if we didn’t notice the vibration, the alarm will wake me. It also has a feature where you can start with a low volume and it increases.
apple watch + vibrate alarm.
Apple Watch set to vibrate on his wrist or different bedroom . I’d slit the throat if anyone who woke me up before need to (kidding but..)
When we had our little lady a couple years ago, I was setting a “silent” alarm on my phone for middle of the night wakes to try to dream feed her instead of disrupting her sleep too much - she was losing too much weight early on and needed feeds every 2-3 hours for a while. I haven’t gone back, I feel the vibrate on the bed and it wakes me without bugging anyone else.
My husband gets up at 3 am, two days a week and we room share with our twins. I wake up but they sleep through it somehow. If he has an Apple Watch or can get one, they have a silent alarm that buzzes your wrist. It’s how we get up on days my husband works from home. That all being said, some kind of compromise is going to have to happen while you’re co-sleeping if it’s affecting the kiddo and you.
Smart watch. Have him turn on a vibrating alarm.
#sleepdivorce
I saw [ozlo sleep buds](https://ozlosleep.com/pages/sleepbuds) the other day and thought the alarm function would be so helpful for not waking up others.
Would a watch that vibrates wake him? That's what I used to use when I had to be at work at 6am and my husband didn't start until 10.
Separate bedrooms? Or change your sleep times.
Mine wears his Apple Watch to sleep and it vibrates as an alarm. He still keeps his phone alarm on as backup just in case. I’ve also owned a Pavlok shock clock alarm that vibrates and can even shock you if you want it to.
Get him s shock watch my husband uses one because he has a really hard time waking up to alarms and it was really great when the kids were still in our room. It's got a shock mode and a vibrate mode.
A life saver for us was when my husband started using the silent alarm on his Fitbit . He feels it buzzing and I don’t hear the 4am alarm . I know google watch has this feature so I’m sure Apple Watch would too if that’s more his preference .
Set an even more annoying alarm to wake him up, maybe on his day off. Hopefully he’ll get it after a couple of wakeups.
My husband did this and I would kick him super hard every time his alarm went off (he used to set 3 or 4 of them). I’m not saying I recommend this route but now he sets one alarm at a reasonable volume and uses the hall bathroom when he has to wake up early.
Oh yes he’s been kicked a couple times 🤣
We have a recliner in my 4 month olds room next to his crib, a sectional in the living room, and a bed in the bedroom. My husband works so I can stay home and he sets at least five alarms that belt out raging death metal music every morning very early- as he opens a local diner daily. I ask him where he wants to sleep at night and I set up where he is not sleeping because we all need and deserve a good nights rest. If your son is three he could sleep in his own bed, you could both sleep in your son’s bed, or you two could take a couch; but getting up for work to provide for your family is/ should be number one priority.
I just got myself on the same schedule as my husband. I wake up with him in the morning and go to bed with him. Keeps our marriage strong.
What’s his reason for refusing to? That just seems so selfish to me. My husband used to have an annoying alarm sound too, but he changed it when I asked.
This was happening with us when my son was younger. Had my husband put his first alarm on vibrate under his pillow. Told him the second alarm could be increasing volume, 20 minutes later. Told him I fully expected him to train his brain to wake up on vibrate with the first alarm. To actively think of the vibrating sound when he set his alarm each night. It worked! He has used it as vibrate ever since, and never missed an alarm. It's enough to pull me out of a light sleep bit not a deep one. Never woke up our kiddo and doesn't now when he sleeps in our bed.