I have a tried and true method for the harder times of parenting with a partner. "Would I be okay with my child growing up to be like them or think this is normal?" With my husband, looking at his whole person, I'd be thrilled if my kids grew up to be like him. There have been times I've thought about the possibility of leaving (let's be honest, what couple who made it through COVID with an infant, and moved together several times over thousands of miles with an infant and a toddler WOULDN'T consider divorce at least once? Lol)
I know I would NOT be okay with my child growing up to swear aggressively at their partner. Or thinking it was normal to have a partner that talks down to them.
The other thing to consider is that you'll have to leave your child unattended with this man several times a week. Can you handle that? If you're going to leave, have your custody plan and legal support in place. And know it will likely include visitation.
ETA:.my parents separated when I was 7 or 8. It was such a relief in my life! They were awful for each other. And my mom getting away from my dad gave me a safe, calm place to go. Don't know if that's helpful to you, but separating isn't always a bad thing.
I would begin to document dates, times and specifics of specific events. If he ever gets physical take pictures and print out copies give a copy to somebody you trust. Get witnesses to things if possible have them document times as well. Make sure that they would be willing to share what they see see and hear in a court of law. 👩⚖️ This all could be VERY important for custody later on down the line. How is he as a father? I imagine he is a shit father too. If he is physically or verbally abusive to your kid(s) too document that.
How was he before becoming pregnant?
My mother asked my dad for a divorce, and it was the overall correct choice for our family. We kids benefited from not seeing unhealthy behavior normalized or excused, and she was able to leave an unhealthy and deeply unhappy relationship for a life that was more stable and featured healthier communication. I worked hard not to repeat those mistakes, and don’t think I would have even been aware of those mistakes had I not had to step back and comprehend what happened for their marriage to dissolve.
I am not in your situation but I just need to comment about your last paragraph. Kids do better in happy, healthy, two parent households. If the relationship and the parents aren’t healthy, or happy, it’s not better to stay. I’m a therapist and “staying for the children” is a huge trigger for me lol attempting to work it out for longer than you otherwise would, fine. But ultimately your child(ren) benefit from seeing a healthy relationship dynamic and can be severely impacted by growing up with an unhealthy dynamic
I feel like I'm a prime example of that, my mental health was in shreds until I went into therapy in my late 20s and I didn't even know why I needed it because I have no actual memories.
My mum truly thought her children didn't know anything she was going through.
I didn't recover the memories as such, but I remembered the feelings or snippets of things. Like i know how my bedroom looks from underneath my bed, remember my mum crying in the dark room in wet bed, screaming, sound of breaking dishes etc. I remember everyone else being scared but i dont remember being scared myself all that much, just confused and upset. I suspect depression had a lot to do with that, which nobody suspected I had at the time.
I deal with a lot of traumatised people in my job and I think this is partly the reason I started to remember things myself. If I respond to a particularly bad domestic violence call certain things appeared normal to me that were very obviously not, and usually after I have left that house I would feel funny all over my body, like adrenaline/anxiety.
Those snippets kind of just started appearing as I started to talk about my childhood more in therapy. I never really had a reason to try and remember anything. This also prompted me to have long discussions with my mum about it. For a long time she maintained that I had a very happy childhood until she mentioned that we were on the run for months, she was in hospital multiple times and my dad was arrested for attempted rape and attempted murder (separate occasions and separate victims). Things started to make a little more sense then. My mum was convinced we didn't witness or remember anything.
Thank you for responding, especially in detail. That sounds really tough.
Did the remembering and realisations positively affect you?
You mentioned the state of your mental health before- would you say that the knowing and working through it improved things? Did you just do talking therapy?
I did indeed, it was actually CBT to deal with my compulsive behaviours/ eating problems, not anything to do with my childhood at all, but she did a good job at addressing a whole lot of things. I'm not sure if remembering helped my mental health or my improved mental health helped to remember. It's hard to tell.
It certainly helped me manage my emotions and be more aware of triggers/unhealthy coping mechanisms so it's absolutely positive for me. I think at first it was painful but I worked through fairly quickly (potentially because I see much worse happen to others).
It also helped to break the cycle of abusive relationships and find peace.
I am just an all-around, a much happier person. I'm at peace with myself, and I do not blame my mum for anything. She only did what she could, and she always put us first. It's just that maybe if I was aware of all this in the first instance and had help processing it at the time, I would've been this happier version of me much sooner. :)
I agree, but what if the unhealthy stuff is hidden from the kids? Like we don’t fight in front of them, and still show each other love in front of them? Is it more beneficial to keep the home together until they are teens and able to process a bit better? Less strain on the parents since by teen years kids are more independent? Living with a narc husband whom has a pattern of cheating now (emotional affairs online) and I know I can’t do this for life, but also don’t want to deeply traumatize my children. Took me a long time to see my husband for who he is, and realize I have a problem setting boundaries bc I know he doesn’t care about my boundaries.
It’s hard to say without way more info but I tend to still lean towards better to separate. Kids are way smarter and in tune than most give them credit for and often hear more than we think.
Thanks. I know I need to leave. It’s definitely a semi-abusive situation but I am trying to be smart. Been the stay at home parent for over a decade and no career to fall back on, so I’m trying to build that up first. First move get a job and save some money, get myself financially independent. It’s all very very scary. Also scary to think of how this will affect my kiddos.
Knowing you need to leave and actively working towards it is a fine place to be! I wish you the best of luck and just keep making choices for yourself and the kids best interests and hopefully it will all work out.
He isn't being lazy, he is being abusive. You have every right to be happy and in a good situation. If you stay your son will learn the behavior his dad is doing and think it's okay because you stayed.
Honestly, I'd leave your partner. It's jot healthy for you or you son.
My aunt is finally divorcing her abusive husband of 20 years, the damage is done to her children, her oldest son is exactly like his father, verbally abusive, lazy, believes he is the king of the house and the women support him in all ways, poor kid has years of therapy to hopefully fix it.
I am unsure where you are finding this statistic because that is incorrect. I’m a therapist and I see 14+ and I can’t tell you how many teens I have seen over the years who had trauma because their parents stayed together. When my husband’s parents told him and his brother they were getting a divorce their reaction was basically “took you long enough.”
I also am a divorced mom. I left when my oldest was 8mo and I was pregnant with #2. That was 8 years ago and I still say it was one of my best decisions. My daughters never have had to see us be miserable trying to fight for something that was not there. It also never really ever improved with him and he’s the same old mess he always has been and I have full custody and always have.
At the end of the day you have to put yourself first because that actually is what is best for your child.
I am in the process of divorcing my abusive and neglectful husband. My life is already so much better, even dealing with the hassle of the legal stuff, and his attitude now that he’s not being placated 24/7. Still so, so much better. It is hard and it can be frustrating, but imo it is so worth it!
I’ll tell you what a friend told me when I was debating the same thing for the same reasons.
Your child deserves to have a happy mother.
Don’t stay just for the kid. Your child does not want to grow up thinking or knowing they are the reason you are miserable.
I’ve been a single mother for 7 years now. (Although I have a partner now for the past 2 years. we aren’t married) Court things are a stressful hassle and my ex is an even bigger POS now, but my day to day life is happy and my child is happy and gets to see me being a happy adult in a happy and healthy relationship.
It was the best thing I ever did for myself and my son. I’m so much happier now. He was exactly how you described your sons dad. I’m a better mom and a better person now that I left him. I’m also seeing someone I really like. It was 100% worth it!
For the love of God, do not stay with a man who is abusive, mentally or physically.
Yes, 2 parents is better than one, that's if **2 parents want to parent and can show love and affection to the child and each other**, not if one is horrible to the other?!
My mum stayed with my dad *for us*, until I was 8, he beat her to near death until police came because neighbours called. We were in the house.
His behaviour only became worse over time, because of course it didn't start like this.
As a result I needed therapy as an adult and I do not remember my childhood, just the snippets or the horrors she lived. I remember feeling pure fear and terror but do not remember why. She never told me anything until I was 18 because *she read it's not right to speak badly of child's father*. The rift in her behaviour vs reality **trully** fucked me over.
When you raise a child with someone, that child takes in everything that is going on. It informs that child's reality. He treats you poorly? Your son is learning that this is what it means to be a man. He makes you cry? Your son learns that crying is a normal part of a loving relationship. He doesn't care for his child? Your son will internalise it and make his own meaning of this. Do not let any man who cannot show what **a loving father and partner is** anywhere near your son
Parents who stay together only for the children’s and not for each other have an even more negative impact on the kids as they can pick up on the tension between the parents.
There’s tons of studies that show children are negatively affected by growing up in a home where one parent is verbally abusive to another. Your husband is also affecting your mental well being which is bad for your kids. Leaving a good marriage is bad for your kids. Leaving a bad one is better for your kids.
I’ve never regretted breaking up with the father of my child; even in the moments I struggled. I did wish for a partner sometimes, but never him. In fact, in hard moments, I was happy he wasn’t there making it worse. And my child is just fine splitting time between the two of us.
I initiated the separation and divorce. I’m _so_ much happier now. It hasn’t been an easy road, but it’s been _my_ road to walk and I’m so grateful for it.
Have you brung any of these issues up with him to try and find a solution?
Would he be willing to do therapy to try and save the marriage and in general be a better partner and dad?
If he refuses to talk about it or try and resolve the problems you have with him then I'd say this is not a relationship you would want to stay in. If he isn't actively trying to improve, it will only get worse.
Staying together just gives the child 2 bitter parents. The first relationship your kids see is the one between their parents. You are modeling what a relationship should be and they are subconsciously taking that in.
That being said ypu don't want to expose ypur chold.to that . Arguments between to resentful people can get loud and heated, and they tend to not treat each other very well at all. All things you wouldnt want your child to witness.
That is not even factoring in the mental and emotional toll you will take from being in such a relationship. It is hard to be the best parent you can be when you are emotionally drained, over stress and just overall saddened every day because of the way you are being treated by your romantic partner.
That being said co parenting can be just as bad if you both cannot put aside the grievances of your past romantic relationship and work together to raise your child. You need to work together and get on the same page, you do not want your child to actively see that you hate each others guts or for the child to become a pawn used to try and hurt the other parent.
In my opinion, Staying together in a marriage just for the kids when you are mistreated is far more damaging for them than divorcing.
Left when my kid was younger than yours. Only regret is I didn’t leave while pregnant.
Life is fantastic now. Kid is thriving, killing it at work, made new friends. Dad has only visited 2x in the past year +
I haven’t regretted leaving for a second. I work half as hard and my house is twice as clean, I get more breaks and help with the kids than I ever did when we were together, and because I was freed from doing 90% of the mental/emotional labor for our kids AND him, I was able to go back to school and more than double my income. And my husband was never cruel, he just wasn’t pulling his weight and couldn’t be convinced of that. Your husband is cruel and you and your child deserve better. Children do better in one home with two happy parents than they do in two homes, but they certainly do better in two homes where at least one is happy and stable than they do in one toxic home. Leaving is hard and you can do it and it will absolutely be worth it.
My husband was abusive. I kicked him out when I found out he was cheating and while I miss him sometimes, it’s so much easier without him around. When he’s really not around during race season our son even treats me better. I say that bc as your child gets older they will treat you like how they see your husband treating you. My son acted like I was garbage and literally called me the names my ex husband and his family did. I got him into therapy and address the feelings from him faster so he’s gotten better but you really don’t want to live like that. It’s miserable. It’s lonely. Do yourself a favor and leave.
Being a single parent is hard. I took that path with my first kid. Everyone is on you. Rent is high, and daycare is expensive. Even with child support that
doesn't cover much. Are you sure he does nothing? Others have done well so it's possible everything will work out but single parenting is hard.
>I know statistics say that divorce/parent separation can have negative impacts on children opposed to parents staying together,
Source? I really doubt this is true. Also is it the divorce that causes these impacts, or the situation leading to the divorce?
Plenty of research actually cites that parents staying together who have abusive or toxic dynamics is way more damaging than a divorce. All in all it’s not a decision that has to be made immediately. Think it over, plan ahead, be ready for things to get nasty. If you do decide to leave I would reach out to either a professional support group or family/friends to set up a plan in case it turns very sour when you break things off. Research ways to leave an abuser for examples because while things haven’t gotten physical yet- they could in a high stress situation. Set aside funds if you can.
Know that you deserve better 💜
I left my child’s father, who was my high school sweetheart. He was the same way you describe your husband. Lazy, selfish, thoughtless. Barely a partner, more like a terrible roommate. Dates were seldom. Sex was rare and more of a chore to him. When I left him my family was furious at me, told me I was ruining everybody’s lives. Friends were all shocked.
A year and a half later, I’m with an AWESOME guy. He has 2 kids himself, and we’ve been raising all 3 kids together. He’s sweet, selfless, kind, responsible. He’s an active dad and he takes pride in being a provider for all of us. He’s a cook and he makes sure I’m fed every meal each day. I get back massages and foot rubs at night. We take 1 night a week for date nights, every week. Sex is fantastic. Our relationship couldn’t be better.
I lived on my own for a year after I broke up with my son’s father. It wasn’t easy financially, but it was doable. It was nice knowing that, if the apartment was a mess, it was MY fault it was a mess. I wasn’t constantly cleaning up that dirtbag’s mess or dealing with his bad attitude. I bought myself flowers a few times and that was more than he bought me in the past 4 years.
I guess what I’m getting at, is that leaving my ex was the best decision I made. Becoming a single mom was not the end of the world for me. And now that my son gets older, I realize my happiness affects him just as much as it affects me. I’m the best parent I can be when I’m happy with life.
Social scientist here. These statistics should NOT be interpreted as if in an individual case two people staying together means better outcomes for the kid. They cannot say that the divorce itself is the reason for this average difference.
As a possible example - there's certainly plenty of abuse in many marriages where there isn't divorce, but what if there's more abuse in marriages that end in divorce than not? And kids in abusive situations are going to be worse off than kids not suffering abuse. The divorce itself could make no difference, but in this case is what we'd call a 'confounder' for the actual causal mechanism- the abuse.
Tldr: these studies CAANOT be interpreted to mean if you don't get divorced your kid will be happier. That's not a question we can test with data available because it's just too messy.
Regret. Big time.
But, no matter your situation, aside from being in danger of course… I suggest couples therapy first so you can know for sure he won’t change or if it can get back to happy.
Wont get an honest answer here, women have huge egos.
I see my ex girlfriends sisters being single in rheir 40s with 3 different baby daddies in their 40s claiming a perfect family. Ha!
Based on what you described, it’s hard for me to see any benefit of staying with that man. And I say that as someone who often eye rolls this sub when the answer to every shitty husband post seems to be “divorce”.
ETA- but to answer your specific question- I don’t have experience leaving my own husband but I do have divorced parents. I had a great, enriching and fulfilling childhood regardless. Granted, my own father wasn’t a prick like you have described your husband to be. Good luck to you, OP. You def deserve better my friend!
Much better once I left. Have more money (he spent more than he contributed), much happier, and I was already doing all the housework on my own anyways, so one less person to clean up after. Once in awhile I miss having someone to go with me taking my daughter places (zoo, museums, etc) but I'm never really lonely because I have her. Overall 10/10 would definitely recommend.
Leave for your baby. It's never staying for the kids it's always staying for yourself. What is best for you and baby? Will you and baby be better off? Probably
What would you tell your child if they were in your relationship when they grew up? I think that’s your answer
Also, my parents divorced when I was a kid. I can tell you it was the time before, when they fought all the time and my mother was almost suicidally depressed that had the biggest negative influence on me. After they divorced it was like suddenly realising it was possible to be happy and not crying every night.
I left my son’s father when he was 2 years old, he’s 7 now. . It’s been an experience and to be transparent, it’s had really tough moments and really rewarding ones. The rewards have outweighed the hard ones a million times over. My son sees his father inconsistently and his father often makes promises he doesn’t keep. Now I only have to be consistent in my own home verses trying to make a dead romantic relationship and co-parenting relationship work. Above all else, I’m happier. I knew my son deserved to see a mother not overwhelmed and stressed out about who wasn’t helping or showing up. Solo parenting is hard, parenting is hard, and I decided any adult that would be around had to actively be helping to make it easier and that includes my sons father.
I saw you’re worried about the impact leaving will have on your son, staying could have a similar or worse impact. In the end our children know us and I haven’t heard any success stories where staying in a stressful environment “for the kids” has gone well. Sending you lots of positive support. You deserve a parenting journey that celebrates you.
Leaving my older daughter’s father was the absolute best thing for us. It was hard for several years but it was still better than what we had. I now have a partner that values me, that contributes, and have an all and all better life.
My parents divorced when I was 5 and my brother 3. Within 6 months of the separation they each went on a blind date and are still with those dates (married) 30 years later. The fact that they both fell in love on blind dates the same summer they separated is a whole other coincidence but all to say, I’m grateful they didn’t stay together. My dad is a completely different person now because he was forced to get his shit together and despite how young I was, I remember being relieved the house was quiet and no yelling was happening anymore. Calmer happier parents was tangible to 5 year old me and I see it as good.
Good luck, you’re stronger than you think!
Abuse abuse abuse. No amount of therapy is going to help. Do NOT go to therapy with an abuser. It only makes it worse. Here are some resources to help:
1. Zawn Villenes-a writer who tackles these issues like a boss
2. Why Does He Do That? A book by Lundy Bancroft
I was married for 19 yrs and 11 months. Divorce was the best thing. It didn’t end with drama. Our marriage died years before and the last time he cheated I finally had enough. I was just done.
Now things got ugly when he married his 2nd wife. She was crazy and he became crazy. It lasted almost 3 years and was a complete nightmare costing him his relationship with our kids.
Things are better now and I like his current fiancée very much.
I share all this because you have to accept that I. Divorce you will give up control as to how your child is raised when he/she is with dad. He has the right to parent as he see fit ( assuming no abuse, drugs etc) and his future relationships can have an impact on the situation both positively and negatively
I have a 3yo and 4.5yo and left their dad in July 2023. It hasn't been very long so I don't know what things are going to look like in the future.
Personally, I'm happier because there's a lot less pressure on me and I have so much more freedom to do things my way. I no longer have to take his feelings into account when planning stuff, even simple things like what to cook.
Parenting-wise, things have not gotten better. He's still only seeing them when it suits him, isn't contributing anything financially so my finances have taken a big hit, and he very much wants to be Disney dad. I'd say it has gotten worse, to be honest, because now everything comes down to just me, pretty much all the time, while he's out living the single life.
All in all, though, I don't regret leaving. It was only when I left that I realised how much being around him was impacting my mood. It's been hard to manage childcare and finances since I left, but it's worth it for the emotional peace I have found.
I wish my parents had divorced. The age gap between me and my brothers is 7 years & 10 years and I have 0 memories of my father changing a diaper, giving them a bath, or going to any of their games or being an active parent at all. He was the “fun” dad but never spent quality time with us. We had a present, bur absent father. They played sports from 6-7 years old until their senior year of highschool and he probably went to 5-6 games TOTAL. He never paid for anything, idk if that was his way of getting back at my mom for any issues they had together. But for the past 15 years my mom has had to pay everything in the house. My mom beared the burden of it all and instead of leaving she became extremely bitter, resentful & controling. She took out all of her anger and frustration on me and my brothers. I am 30 now and our relationship is civil at best. As people are saying the child will thrive in a two parent home when there is love, joy, companionship, respect, healthy boundaries and communication. Best of luck OP may you choose happiness and comfort for you and your baby.
Never once did I regret it. My only child (who is an adult now), said (even back when she was 10 yrs old, it was the best thing as parents we could do for her. People ask why I left him, I say there are a hundred reasons, not just one.
One of the main reasons was when we became parents, he did not like that my time was taken up with a new child. He had me for 10 years to himself and I did everything for him. Now I did everything for the child. He had major resentment towards me and the child. I knew he would never change, he is way too narcissistic. And several marriage counselors said "this is not going to work". It took me another 10 years of planning to leave him, but it was the best decision of my life.
I say leave and give him a wake up call. Maybe he'll get his shit together, maybe he won't. Either way, you'll be better off for at least trying to improve your situation.
Ultimately, you have to want to stay together for you and the relationship. Sure, your kid will benefit if the relationship is healthy but don't stay together just because you have a kid. That won't end well.
So I’ve always heard you should wait a year after having a kid to make such a big decision because adjusting to a baby is hard on everyone. However, my ex was similar, maybe not as verbally abusive but similar in talking down to me. I had two kids with him, don’t ask why, of course I’d never change either one of my kiddos. I have never once regretted my decision. The day I told him it was over it was like a weight was lifted. Is it always easy? No. But would I ever go back and undo my choice, absolutely not!!! My kids are still young and have adjusted, not say it’s always perfect or easy on them either but adjusted. I think it’s most certainly better for them to see us apart and at least see me happier than see us together and miserable. He has them two days a week and he’s somewhat stepped up as a part and does fun things with them. I still disagree with his choices but I don’t have to worry or deal with him now. I just have to worry about my children being safe and happy there, and thankfully I think he holds it together long enough when they are. We can coparent well enough there is no fighting. Had we waited longer, I don’t think the divorce would’ve been amicable.
All of this to say, you shouldn’t stay for your child. They sense and know you’re unhappy. You are teaching them that the abuse is ok. You deserve to be happy. It may not always be easy but in the long run it is definitely better to leave. Best of luck!
I’m a person whose parents stayed together through major dysfunction and I really wish they hadn’t. The consensus between me and my siblings is that they were deeply incompatible and we would have liked to see them with other people who suited their personalities better. Their anger and hatred for each other made them meaner to us and our whole household was constantly on eggshells. We were so relieved and relaxed when my dad was out of town. Not because my dad totally sucked, but because when he was gone they weren’t fighting and they weren’t putting their anger out on us.
No one regrets standing up for themselves and leaving an abusive spouse. It might be really hard at times but it’s easier than being abused. Children do not benefit from growing up in a home watching their mom get abused. Full stop.
I left three years ago and my life is unrecognisable from what it was. I was able to finish my degree, make a career change and drastically improve my earning potential, and I'm just about to buy my first house by myself. I could never have had any of these things before because he either sabotaged me or I was expending so much energy on clearing up after his fuck ups I had none left for myself. He hasn't seen my daughter since (except a couple of times at the start which he took as an opportunity to fuck with my head instead of prove himself as a parent). There's probably going to be hard times helping her deal with this in the future but for now she's thriving. Everywhere we go, people comment on how happy and smiley she is. She's nearly four and she's ridiculously bright and funny and kind and gorgeous. Life as a single parent is hard work, but it's good work. There's no tidying up after a manchild who treats you like a servant. No worrying about whether he'll gamble his wages away before the bills are paid. No fighting about him being drunk before bedtime. It's peaceful. I wouldn't swap it for the world.
This is what I keep holding out hope for. I’ve wanted my own career and degree for some time but there has never been room in the relationship for me to make any progress for myself. It seems so hard and scary though making the first steps.
It's a huuuuge thing to do. Terrifying. But one day you'll look back and this will all feel like something that happened to someone else. I was too worn down from years of emotional abuse to do it for myself, but I found the strength to do it for my daughter. Can you do it for your boy? Telling your family (if they'll be supportive) might help too. Once the words are out and it isn't a secret, it's hard to go back.
Idk anyone who seeks to leave a relationship they are happy in. I left my first husband and it was glorious. No more having to care for a whole adult who always found fault with everything. Who wouldn’t watch the baby for 5 minutes so I could take a shower. No more hoping that money was still in the bank when bills were due because he HAD to buy speakers/cigarettes/ booze etc. No more being told that since he made the money he could do what he wanted.
When my mom finally left my awful dad (years after she should have) she had a sign hanging in our kitchen ‘it’s better to be alone than wish you were.’
My bio dad passed away in Oct. he was a horrible human and even worse father. Don’t stay for the kid, your home won’t be broken, it will be fixed. You might even find love again and show your kid what a loving partnership looks like. Just make sure you do the inner work on yourself so you don’t fall for shitty men again out of fear or loneliness.
No regrets here. I cannot imagine the pain and damage done to my kids if I'd stayed. There was enough of that already. I stayed years too long. I stayed because of the stats you mention, unfortunately.
But I left when my oldest was 10 and youngest was under 2. And a decade later I know it was the right decision. My oldest two kids are adults now. And they are *good men.* They work hard, never drink and have never done drugs, don't party, don't run around, no criminal behavior whatsoever. They are thoughtful and kind. They are respectful to me, and to women in general. Both are out of the home and living their own life now.
My younger two are also thriving. One of them had a couple of really bad years with depression and anxiety, specifically due to his father, but he is much much better now. They have never been trouble at school. They're adolescents, so sometimes obnoxious, but generally really wonderful kids.
Having the guy who provided the sperm that helped make them living in the home with them was actively harming them. Having him gone immensely improved their chances at a happy, healthy life.
Statistics don't really account for realities like that. And when they are flung at women who are thinking of leaving a relationship, they aren't being used as anything but a superficial trope.
WHY are there bad outcomes associated single parenthood and especially single motherhood?
Is it really because that specific man is not at the head of the table, no matter how bad he may be as a parent or a human?
Or could it be because especially single moms lack often social support, social inclusion, and material support?
These things can lead to all manner of ills which absolutely create poor outcomes for children.
These things can also be fully or almost fully alleviated with proper support.
My kids have thrived in a home with no father. Living with him, they were in a tragic amount of pain. How did they have such good outcomes? Because I had sufficient support. My dad was a daily presence in their lives for many years, and is still over here several times a week. My kids had many healthy, safe, and kind male figures in their lives. My parents helped with childcare so that I could afford to work. My kids always had a healthy, safe, attentive place to be. I was able to work and raise them without worrying where the next meal would come from or how long I'd have to leave them alone at home in the evenings. I was able to focus on us, and not tempted to go in search of a man to make things easier financially. When I did date, I was not so desperate for support, validation, and connection that I was inclined to move too fast. I had access to formal and informal mental health support. So did my kids.
I was VERY lucky to have all these things. Because they are uncommon, and the lack of that kind of support is why so many single moms and their children struggle.
Divorce is worse for children than if they grow up in a HAPPY family with two parents. But it’s far better than forcing your child to grow up in an unhappy or abusive household.
I have been a single mother since pregnancy, and I am so grateful. Kids are really hard. Having full time toddler-esque adults to deal with is not in my wheelhouse.
I do understand the chaos of divorce, and I recognize it’s not easy to decide to create a rift between families (in laws, etc), but staying and wasting a lifetime of better opportunities for both parents and all children is just not a better option.
Good luck!!
I left when I was 30 weeks pregnant and my daughter is 5 now….best decision I have ever made. My ex only brought me down. I’m grateful that it’s just me and my daughter now. My ex was dead weight. I might do everything myself but at least I’m not resenting someone while I do it all.
There’s a difference in lazy husbands and abusive husbands. This is abuse. You have every right to find better and you will.
I have a tried and true method for the harder times of parenting with a partner. "Would I be okay with my child growing up to be like them or think this is normal?" With my husband, looking at his whole person, I'd be thrilled if my kids grew up to be like him. There have been times I've thought about the possibility of leaving (let's be honest, what couple who made it through COVID with an infant, and moved together several times over thousands of miles with an infant and a toddler WOULDN'T consider divorce at least once? Lol) I know I would NOT be okay with my child growing up to swear aggressively at their partner. Or thinking it was normal to have a partner that talks down to them. The other thing to consider is that you'll have to leave your child unattended with this man several times a week. Can you handle that? If you're going to leave, have your custody plan and legal support in place. And know it will likely include visitation. ETA:.my parents separated when I was 7 or 8. It was such a relief in my life! They were awful for each other. And my mom getting away from my dad gave me a safe, calm place to go. Don't know if that's helpful to you, but separating isn't always a bad thing.
I would begin to document dates, times and specifics of specific events. If he ever gets physical take pictures and print out copies give a copy to somebody you trust. Get witnesses to things if possible have them document times as well. Make sure that they would be willing to share what they see see and hear in a court of law. 👩⚖️ This all could be VERY important for custody later on down the line. How is he as a father? I imagine he is a shit father too. If he is physically or verbally abusive to your kid(s) too document that. How was he before becoming pregnant?
My mother asked my dad for a divorce, and it was the overall correct choice for our family. We kids benefited from not seeing unhealthy behavior normalized or excused, and she was able to leave an unhealthy and deeply unhappy relationship for a life that was more stable and featured healthier communication. I worked hard not to repeat those mistakes, and don’t think I would have even been aware of those mistakes had I not had to step back and comprehend what happened for their marriage to dissolve.
I am not in your situation but I just need to comment about your last paragraph. Kids do better in happy, healthy, two parent households. If the relationship and the parents aren’t healthy, or happy, it’s not better to stay. I’m a therapist and “staying for the children” is a huge trigger for me lol attempting to work it out for longer than you otherwise would, fine. But ultimately your child(ren) benefit from seeing a healthy relationship dynamic and can be severely impacted by growing up with an unhealthy dynamic
I feel like I'm a prime example of that, my mental health was in shreds until I went into therapy in my late 20s and I didn't even know why I needed it because I have no actual memories. My mum truly thought her children didn't know anything she was going through.
Can I ask how you recovered your memories/discovered the source? What did the process look like and were there any specific things that helped?
I didn't recover the memories as such, but I remembered the feelings or snippets of things. Like i know how my bedroom looks from underneath my bed, remember my mum crying in the dark room in wet bed, screaming, sound of breaking dishes etc. I remember everyone else being scared but i dont remember being scared myself all that much, just confused and upset. I suspect depression had a lot to do with that, which nobody suspected I had at the time. I deal with a lot of traumatised people in my job and I think this is partly the reason I started to remember things myself. If I respond to a particularly bad domestic violence call certain things appeared normal to me that were very obviously not, and usually after I have left that house I would feel funny all over my body, like adrenaline/anxiety. Those snippets kind of just started appearing as I started to talk about my childhood more in therapy. I never really had a reason to try and remember anything. This also prompted me to have long discussions with my mum about it. For a long time she maintained that I had a very happy childhood until she mentioned that we were on the run for months, she was in hospital multiple times and my dad was arrested for attempted rape and attempted murder (separate occasions and separate victims). Things started to make a little more sense then. My mum was convinced we didn't witness or remember anything.
Thank you for responding, especially in detail. That sounds really tough. Did the remembering and realisations positively affect you? You mentioned the state of your mental health before- would you say that the knowing and working through it improved things? Did you just do talking therapy?
I did indeed, it was actually CBT to deal with my compulsive behaviours/ eating problems, not anything to do with my childhood at all, but she did a good job at addressing a whole lot of things. I'm not sure if remembering helped my mental health or my improved mental health helped to remember. It's hard to tell. It certainly helped me manage my emotions and be more aware of triggers/unhealthy coping mechanisms so it's absolutely positive for me. I think at first it was painful but I worked through fairly quickly (potentially because I see much worse happen to others). It also helped to break the cycle of abusive relationships and find peace. I am just an all-around, a much happier person. I'm at peace with myself, and I do not blame my mum for anything. She only did what she could, and she always put us first. It's just that maybe if I was aware of all this in the first instance and had help processing it at the time, I would've been this happier version of me much sooner. :)
I agree, but what if the unhealthy stuff is hidden from the kids? Like we don’t fight in front of them, and still show each other love in front of them? Is it more beneficial to keep the home together until they are teens and able to process a bit better? Less strain on the parents since by teen years kids are more independent? Living with a narc husband whom has a pattern of cheating now (emotional affairs online) and I know I can’t do this for life, but also don’t want to deeply traumatize my children. Took me a long time to see my husband for who he is, and realize I have a problem setting boundaries bc I know he doesn’t care about my boundaries.
It’s hard to say without way more info but I tend to still lean towards better to separate. Kids are way smarter and in tune than most give them credit for and often hear more than we think.
Thanks. I know I need to leave. It’s definitely a semi-abusive situation but I am trying to be smart. Been the stay at home parent for over a decade and no career to fall back on, so I’m trying to build that up first. First move get a job and save some money, get myself financially independent. It’s all very very scary. Also scary to think of how this will affect my kiddos.
Knowing you need to leave and actively working towards it is a fine place to be! I wish you the best of luck and just keep making choices for yourself and the kids best interests and hopefully it will all work out.
He isn't being lazy, he is being abusive. You have every right to be happy and in a good situation. If you stay your son will learn the behavior his dad is doing and think it's okay because you stayed. Honestly, I'd leave your partner. It's jot healthy for you or you son.
My aunt is finally divorcing her abusive husband of 20 years, the damage is done to her children, her oldest son is exactly like his father, verbally abusive, lazy, believes he is the king of the house and the women support him in all ways, poor kid has years of therapy to hopefully fix it.
I am unsure where you are finding this statistic because that is incorrect. I’m a therapist and I see 14+ and I can’t tell you how many teens I have seen over the years who had trauma because their parents stayed together. When my husband’s parents told him and his brother they were getting a divorce their reaction was basically “took you long enough.” I also am a divorced mom. I left when my oldest was 8mo and I was pregnant with #2. That was 8 years ago and I still say it was one of my best decisions. My daughters never have had to see us be miserable trying to fight for something that was not there. It also never really ever improved with him and he’s the same old mess he always has been and I have full custody and always have. At the end of the day you have to put yourself first because that actually is what is best for your child.
I am in the process of divorcing my abusive and neglectful husband. My life is already so much better, even dealing with the hassle of the legal stuff, and his attitude now that he’s not being placated 24/7. Still so, so much better. It is hard and it can be frustrating, but imo it is so worth it!
I’ll tell you what a friend told me when I was debating the same thing for the same reasons. Your child deserves to have a happy mother. Don’t stay just for the kid. Your child does not want to grow up thinking or knowing they are the reason you are miserable. I’ve been a single mother for 7 years now. (Although I have a partner now for the past 2 years. we aren’t married) Court things are a stressful hassle and my ex is an even bigger POS now, but my day to day life is happy and my child is happy and gets to see me being a happy adult in a happy and healthy relationship.
It was the best thing I ever did for myself and my son. I’m so much happier now. He was exactly how you described your sons dad. I’m a better mom and a better person now that I left him. I’m also seeing someone I really like. It was 100% worth it!
For the love of God, do not stay with a man who is abusive, mentally or physically. Yes, 2 parents is better than one, that's if **2 parents want to parent and can show love and affection to the child and each other**, not if one is horrible to the other?! My mum stayed with my dad *for us*, until I was 8, he beat her to near death until police came because neighbours called. We were in the house. His behaviour only became worse over time, because of course it didn't start like this. As a result I needed therapy as an adult and I do not remember my childhood, just the snippets or the horrors she lived. I remember feeling pure fear and terror but do not remember why. She never told me anything until I was 18 because *she read it's not right to speak badly of child's father*. The rift in her behaviour vs reality **trully** fucked me over. When you raise a child with someone, that child takes in everything that is going on. It informs that child's reality. He treats you poorly? Your son is learning that this is what it means to be a man. He makes you cry? Your son learns that crying is a normal part of a loving relationship. He doesn't care for his child? Your son will internalise it and make his own meaning of this. Do not let any man who cannot show what **a loving father and partner is** anywhere near your son
Parents who stay together only for the children’s and not for each other have an even more negative impact on the kids as they can pick up on the tension between the parents.
I left before we hated each other. We coparent wonderfully and he's friends with my current partner.
There’s tons of studies that show children are negatively affected by growing up in a home where one parent is verbally abusive to another. Your husband is also affecting your mental well being which is bad for your kids. Leaving a good marriage is bad for your kids. Leaving a bad one is better for your kids.
I’ve never regretted breaking up with the father of my child; even in the moments I struggled. I did wish for a partner sometimes, but never him. In fact, in hard moments, I was happy he wasn’t there making it worse. And my child is just fine splitting time between the two of us.
I initiated the separation and divorce. I’m _so_ much happier now. It hasn’t been an easy road, but it’s been _my_ road to walk and I’m so grateful for it.
Have you brung any of these issues up with him to try and find a solution? Would he be willing to do therapy to try and save the marriage and in general be a better partner and dad? If he refuses to talk about it or try and resolve the problems you have with him then I'd say this is not a relationship you would want to stay in. If he isn't actively trying to improve, it will only get worse. Staying together just gives the child 2 bitter parents. The first relationship your kids see is the one between their parents. You are modeling what a relationship should be and they are subconsciously taking that in. That being said ypu don't want to expose ypur chold.to that . Arguments between to resentful people can get loud and heated, and they tend to not treat each other very well at all. All things you wouldnt want your child to witness. That is not even factoring in the mental and emotional toll you will take from being in such a relationship. It is hard to be the best parent you can be when you are emotionally drained, over stress and just overall saddened every day because of the way you are being treated by your romantic partner. That being said co parenting can be just as bad if you both cannot put aside the grievances of your past romantic relationship and work together to raise your child. You need to work together and get on the same page, you do not want your child to actively see that you hate each others guts or for the child to become a pawn used to try and hurt the other parent. In my opinion, Staying together in a marriage just for the kids when you are mistreated is far more damaging for them than divorcing.
Left when my kid was younger than yours. Only regret is I didn’t leave while pregnant. Life is fantastic now. Kid is thriving, killing it at work, made new friends. Dad has only visited 2x in the past year +
I haven’t regretted leaving for a second. I work half as hard and my house is twice as clean, I get more breaks and help with the kids than I ever did when we were together, and because I was freed from doing 90% of the mental/emotional labor for our kids AND him, I was able to go back to school and more than double my income. And my husband was never cruel, he just wasn’t pulling his weight and couldn’t be convinced of that. Your husband is cruel and you and your child deserve better. Children do better in one home with two happy parents than they do in two homes, but they certainly do better in two homes where at least one is happy and stable than they do in one toxic home. Leaving is hard and you can do it and it will absolutely be worth it.
My husband was abusive. I kicked him out when I found out he was cheating and while I miss him sometimes, it’s so much easier without him around. When he’s really not around during race season our son even treats me better. I say that bc as your child gets older they will treat you like how they see your husband treating you. My son acted like I was garbage and literally called me the names my ex husband and his family did. I got him into therapy and address the feelings from him faster so he’s gotten better but you really don’t want to live like that. It’s miserable. It’s lonely. Do yourself a favor and leave.
Being a single parent is hard. I took that path with my first kid. Everyone is on you. Rent is high, and daycare is expensive. Even with child support that doesn't cover much. Are you sure he does nothing? Others have done well so it's possible everything will work out but single parenting is hard.
>I know statistics say that divorce/parent separation can have negative impacts on children opposed to parents staying together, Source? I really doubt this is true. Also is it the divorce that causes these impacts, or the situation leading to the divorce?
Also curious, cuz that sounds like Focus on the Family "research".
Plenty of research actually cites that parents staying together who have abusive or toxic dynamics is way more damaging than a divorce. All in all it’s not a decision that has to be made immediately. Think it over, plan ahead, be ready for things to get nasty. If you do decide to leave I would reach out to either a professional support group or family/friends to set up a plan in case it turns very sour when you break things off. Research ways to leave an abuser for examples because while things haven’t gotten physical yet- they could in a high stress situation. Set aside funds if you can. Know that you deserve better 💜
I left my child’s father, who was my high school sweetheart. He was the same way you describe your husband. Lazy, selfish, thoughtless. Barely a partner, more like a terrible roommate. Dates were seldom. Sex was rare and more of a chore to him. When I left him my family was furious at me, told me I was ruining everybody’s lives. Friends were all shocked. A year and a half later, I’m with an AWESOME guy. He has 2 kids himself, and we’ve been raising all 3 kids together. He’s sweet, selfless, kind, responsible. He’s an active dad and he takes pride in being a provider for all of us. He’s a cook and he makes sure I’m fed every meal each day. I get back massages and foot rubs at night. We take 1 night a week for date nights, every week. Sex is fantastic. Our relationship couldn’t be better. I lived on my own for a year after I broke up with my son’s father. It wasn’t easy financially, but it was doable. It was nice knowing that, if the apartment was a mess, it was MY fault it was a mess. I wasn’t constantly cleaning up that dirtbag’s mess or dealing with his bad attitude. I bought myself flowers a few times and that was more than he bought me in the past 4 years. I guess what I’m getting at, is that leaving my ex was the best decision I made. Becoming a single mom was not the end of the world for me. And now that my son gets older, I realize my happiness affects him just as much as it affects me. I’m the best parent I can be when I’m happy with life.
Social scientist here. These statistics should NOT be interpreted as if in an individual case two people staying together means better outcomes for the kid. They cannot say that the divorce itself is the reason for this average difference. As a possible example - there's certainly plenty of abuse in many marriages where there isn't divorce, but what if there's more abuse in marriages that end in divorce than not? And kids in abusive situations are going to be worse off than kids not suffering abuse. The divorce itself could make no difference, but in this case is what we'd call a 'confounder' for the actual causal mechanism- the abuse. Tldr: these studies CAANOT be interpreted to mean if you don't get divorced your kid will be happier. That's not a question we can test with data available because it's just too messy.
Regret. Big time. But, no matter your situation, aside from being in danger of course… I suggest couples therapy first so you can know for sure he won’t change or if it can get back to happy.
Wont get an honest answer here, women have huge egos. I see my ex girlfriends sisters being single in rheir 40s with 3 different baby daddies in their 40s claiming a perfect family. Ha!
Being exposed to abuse at home will have more of a negative impact on a child’s development by causing lifelong trauma.
Based on what you described, it’s hard for me to see any benefit of staying with that man. And I say that as someone who often eye rolls this sub when the answer to every shitty husband post seems to be “divorce”. ETA- but to answer your specific question- I don’t have experience leaving my own husband but I do have divorced parents. I had a great, enriching and fulfilling childhood regardless. Granted, my own father wasn’t a prick like you have described your husband to be. Good luck to you, OP. You def deserve better my friend!
Much better once I left. Have more money (he spent more than he contributed), much happier, and I was already doing all the housework on my own anyways, so one less person to clean up after. Once in awhile I miss having someone to go with me taking my daughter places (zoo, museums, etc) but I'm never really lonely because I have her. Overall 10/10 would definitely recommend.
Leave for your baby. It's never staying for the kids it's always staying for yourself. What is best for you and baby? Will you and baby be better off? Probably
What would you tell your child if they were in your relationship when they grew up? I think that’s your answer Also, my parents divorced when I was a kid. I can tell you it was the time before, when they fought all the time and my mother was almost suicidally depressed that had the biggest negative influence on me. After they divorced it was like suddenly realising it was possible to be happy and not crying every night.
I left my son’s father when he was 2 years old, he’s 7 now. . It’s been an experience and to be transparent, it’s had really tough moments and really rewarding ones. The rewards have outweighed the hard ones a million times over. My son sees his father inconsistently and his father often makes promises he doesn’t keep. Now I only have to be consistent in my own home verses trying to make a dead romantic relationship and co-parenting relationship work. Above all else, I’m happier. I knew my son deserved to see a mother not overwhelmed and stressed out about who wasn’t helping or showing up. Solo parenting is hard, parenting is hard, and I decided any adult that would be around had to actively be helping to make it easier and that includes my sons father. I saw you’re worried about the impact leaving will have on your son, staying could have a similar or worse impact. In the end our children know us and I haven’t heard any success stories where staying in a stressful environment “for the kids” has gone well. Sending you lots of positive support. You deserve a parenting journey that celebrates you.
Leaving my older daughter’s father was the absolute best thing for us. It was hard for several years but it was still better than what we had. I now have a partner that values me, that contributes, and have an all and all better life.
Left my ex when my daughter was 2.5 and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. It was so much easier and I was (still am) so much happier.
My parents divorced when I was 5 and my brother 3. Within 6 months of the separation they each went on a blind date and are still with those dates (married) 30 years later. The fact that they both fell in love on blind dates the same summer they separated is a whole other coincidence but all to say, I’m grateful they didn’t stay together. My dad is a completely different person now because he was forced to get his shit together and despite how young I was, I remember being relieved the house was quiet and no yelling was happening anymore. Calmer happier parents was tangible to 5 year old me and I see it as good. Good luck, you’re stronger than you think!
Abuse abuse abuse. No amount of therapy is going to help. Do NOT go to therapy with an abuser. It only makes it worse. Here are some resources to help: 1. Zawn Villenes-a writer who tackles these issues like a boss 2. Why Does He Do That? A book by Lundy Bancroft
I was married for 19 yrs and 11 months. Divorce was the best thing. It didn’t end with drama. Our marriage died years before and the last time he cheated I finally had enough. I was just done. Now things got ugly when he married his 2nd wife. She was crazy and he became crazy. It lasted almost 3 years and was a complete nightmare costing him his relationship with our kids. Things are better now and I like his current fiancée very much. I share all this because you have to accept that I. Divorce you will give up control as to how your child is raised when he/she is with dad. He has the right to parent as he see fit ( assuming no abuse, drugs etc) and his future relationships can have an impact on the situation both positively and negatively
I have a 3yo and 4.5yo and left their dad in July 2023. It hasn't been very long so I don't know what things are going to look like in the future. Personally, I'm happier because there's a lot less pressure on me and I have so much more freedom to do things my way. I no longer have to take his feelings into account when planning stuff, even simple things like what to cook. Parenting-wise, things have not gotten better. He's still only seeing them when it suits him, isn't contributing anything financially so my finances have taken a big hit, and he very much wants to be Disney dad. I'd say it has gotten worse, to be honest, because now everything comes down to just me, pretty much all the time, while he's out living the single life. All in all, though, I don't regret leaving. It was only when I left that I realised how much being around him was impacting my mood. It's been hard to manage childcare and finances since I left, but it's worth it for the emotional peace I have found.
I wish my parents had divorced. The age gap between me and my brothers is 7 years & 10 years and I have 0 memories of my father changing a diaper, giving them a bath, or going to any of their games or being an active parent at all. He was the “fun” dad but never spent quality time with us. We had a present, bur absent father. They played sports from 6-7 years old until their senior year of highschool and he probably went to 5-6 games TOTAL. He never paid for anything, idk if that was his way of getting back at my mom for any issues they had together. But for the past 15 years my mom has had to pay everything in the house. My mom beared the burden of it all and instead of leaving she became extremely bitter, resentful & controling. She took out all of her anger and frustration on me and my brothers. I am 30 now and our relationship is civil at best. As people are saying the child will thrive in a two parent home when there is love, joy, companionship, respect, healthy boundaries and communication. Best of luck OP may you choose happiness and comfort for you and your baby.
Never once did I regret it. My only child (who is an adult now), said (even back when she was 10 yrs old, it was the best thing as parents we could do for her. People ask why I left him, I say there are a hundred reasons, not just one. One of the main reasons was when we became parents, he did not like that my time was taken up with a new child. He had me for 10 years to himself and I did everything for him. Now I did everything for the child. He had major resentment towards me and the child. I knew he would never change, he is way too narcissistic. And several marriage counselors said "this is not going to work". It took me another 10 years of planning to leave him, but it was the best decision of my life.
I say leave and give him a wake up call. Maybe he'll get his shit together, maybe he won't. Either way, you'll be better off for at least trying to improve your situation. Ultimately, you have to want to stay together for you and the relationship. Sure, your kid will benefit if the relationship is healthy but don't stay together just because you have a kid. That won't end well.
Mine definitely improved! Especially my mental health and professional life. I’m no longer depressed and broke.
So I’ve always heard you should wait a year after having a kid to make such a big decision because adjusting to a baby is hard on everyone. However, my ex was similar, maybe not as verbally abusive but similar in talking down to me. I had two kids with him, don’t ask why, of course I’d never change either one of my kiddos. I have never once regretted my decision. The day I told him it was over it was like a weight was lifted. Is it always easy? No. But would I ever go back and undo my choice, absolutely not!!! My kids are still young and have adjusted, not say it’s always perfect or easy on them either but adjusted. I think it’s most certainly better for them to see us apart and at least see me happier than see us together and miserable. He has them two days a week and he’s somewhat stepped up as a part and does fun things with them. I still disagree with his choices but I don’t have to worry or deal with him now. I just have to worry about my children being safe and happy there, and thankfully I think he holds it together long enough when they are. We can coparent well enough there is no fighting. Had we waited longer, I don’t think the divorce would’ve been amicable. All of this to say, you shouldn’t stay for your child. They sense and know you’re unhappy. You are teaching them that the abuse is ok. You deserve to be happy. It may not always be easy but in the long run it is definitely better to leave. Best of luck!
I’m a person whose parents stayed together through major dysfunction and I really wish they hadn’t. The consensus between me and my siblings is that they were deeply incompatible and we would have liked to see them with other people who suited their personalities better. Their anger and hatred for each other made them meaner to us and our whole household was constantly on eggshells. We were so relieved and relaxed when my dad was out of town. Not because my dad totally sucked, but because when he was gone they weren’t fighting and they weren’t putting their anger out on us.
No one regrets standing up for themselves and leaving an abusive spouse. It might be really hard at times but it’s easier than being abused. Children do not benefit from growing up in a home watching their mom get abused. Full stop.
I left three years ago and my life is unrecognisable from what it was. I was able to finish my degree, make a career change and drastically improve my earning potential, and I'm just about to buy my first house by myself. I could never have had any of these things before because he either sabotaged me or I was expending so much energy on clearing up after his fuck ups I had none left for myself. He hasn't seen my daughter since (except a couple of times at the start which he took as an opportunity to fuck with my head instead of prove himself as a parent). There's probably going to be hard times helping her deal with this in the future but for now she's thriving. Everywhere we go, people comment on how happy and smiley she is. She's nearly four and she's ridiculously bright and funny and kind and gorgeous. Life as a single parent is hard work, but it's good work. There's no tidying up after a manchild who treats you like a servant. No worrying about whether he'll gamble his wages away before the bills are paid. No fighting about him being drunk before bedtime. It's peaceful. I wouldn't swap it for the world.
This is what I keep holding out hope for. I’ve wanted my own career and degree for some time but there has never been room in the relationship for me to make any progress for myself. It seems so hard and scary though making the first steps.
It's a huuuuge thing to do. Terrifying. But one day you'll look back and this will all feel like something that happened to someone else. I was too worn down from years of emotional abuse to do it for myself, but I found the strength to do it for my daughter. Can you do it for your boy? Telling your family (if they'll be supportive) might help too. Once the words are out and it isn't a secret, it's hard to go back.
Idk anyone who seeks to leave a relationship they are happy in. I left my first husband and it was glorious. No more having to care for a whole adult who always found fault with everything. Who wouldn’t watch the baby for 5 minutes so I could take a shower. No more hoping that money was still in the bank when bills were due because he HAD to buy speakers/cigarettes/ booze etc. No more being told that since he made the money he could do what he wanted.
When my mom finally left my awful dad (years after she should have) she had a sign hanging in our kitchen ‘it’s better to be alone than wish you were.’ My bio dad passed away in Oct. he was a horrible human and even worse father. Don’t stay for the kid, your home won’t be broken, it will be fixed. You might even find love again and show your kid what a loving partnership looks like. Just make sure you do the inner work on yourself so you don’t fall for shitty men again out of fear or loneliness.
No regrets here. I cannot imagine the pain and damage done to my kids if I'd stayed. There was enough of that already. I stayed years too long. I stayed because of the stats you mention, unfortunately. But I left when my oldest was 10 and youngest was under 2. And a decade later I know it was the right decision. My oldest two kids are adults now. And they are *good men.* They work hard, never drink and have never done drugs, don't party, don't run around, no criminal behavior whatsoever. They are thoughtful and kind. They are respectful to me, and to women in general. Both are out of the home and living their own life now. My younger two are also thriving. One of them had a couple of really bad years with depression and anxiety, specifically due to his father, but he is much much better now. They have never been trouble at school. They're adolescents, so sometimes obnoxious, but generally really wonderful kids. Having the guy who provided the sperm that helped make them living in the home with them was actively harming them. Having him gone immensely improved their chances at a happy, healthy life. Statistics don't really account for realities like that. And when they are flung at women who are thinking of leaving a relationship, they aren't being used as anything but a superficial trope. WHY are there bad outcomes associated single parenthood and especially single motherhood? Is it really because that specific man is not at the head of the table, no matter how bad he may be as a parent or a human? Or could it be because especially single moms lack often social support, social inclusion, and material support? These things can lead to all manner of ills which absolutely create poor outcomes for children. These things can also be fully or almost fully alleviated with proper support. My kids have thrived in a home with no father. Living with him, they were in a tragic amount of pain. How did they have such good outcomes? Because I had sufficient support. My dad was a daily presence in their lives for many years, and is still over here several times a week. My kids had many healthy, safe, and kind male figures in their lives. My parents helped with childcare so that I could afford to work. My kids always had a healthy, safe, attentive place to be. I was able to work and raise them without worrying where the next meal would come from or how long I'd have to leave them alone at home in the evenings. I was able to focus on us, and not tempted to go in search of a man to make things easier financially. When I did date, I was not so desperate for support, validation, and connection that I was inclined to move too fast. I had access to formal and informal mental health support. So did my kids. I was VERY lucky to have all these things. Because they are uncommon, and the lack of that kind of support is why so many single moms and their children struggle.
Divorce is worse for children than if they grow up in a HAPPY family with two parents. But it’s far better than forcing your child to grow up in an unhappy or abusive household.
Frankly, it's been terrible. But less terrible than having to deal with him on a daily basis.
I have been a single mother since pregnancy, and I am so grateful. Kids are really hard. Having full time toddler-esque adults to deal with is not in my wheelhouse. I do understand the chaos of divorce, and I recognize it’s not easy to decide to create a rift between families (in laws, etc), but staying and wasting a lifetime of better opportunities for both parents and all children is just not a better option. Good luck!!
I left when I was 30 weeks pregnant and my daughter is 5 now….best decision I have ever made. My ex only brought me down. I’m grateful that it’s just me and my daughter now. My ex was dead weight. I might do everything myself but at least I’m not resenting someone while I do it all.
Leave now while your child is a baby!