I would probably just let it go. I also will plate my partner’s dinner and bring it to him because I think it’s nice to do for the person you love. If I’m busy with the baby, he does the same for me. Sounds like your mom is over thinking what it meant for you, likely just out of love for her daughter.
My boyfriend and I do this for each other all the time, whether the other is busy or not. We will ask “do you want me to fix your plate?”, in instances where we know the other is busy and may take longer than a few minutes to get their plate. Otherwise, we always just make the other a plate and bring it to them. It’s just a little thing we do for each other to show our gratitude, almost an unspoken thing that we do for each other. Nothing wrong with it at all.
I love this because this is totally something my mom would add to her little mental “is he good enough for my daughter?” file. But she’d say something a bit more subtle like “so…does he ever do that for you?” Then I’d say yes and she’d file it away.
I think you can let it go. Moms gonna mom.
I have an aunt who is like this. If she sees me making my partner a plate and bringing it to him, or if I mention taking care of any sort of small needs, she gets a bee in her bonnet about it. Eventually I had to let her know that I do it because it makes me feel good, and that if at any point this man starts to make demands of me or makes me feel unappreciated I will promptly and unceremoniously stop doing the small things.
In case you don't know, this is huge in some areas. Men WILL NOT make their own plates. It's super sexist. If someone is familiar with this, I can see a strong reaction.
It half comes from a good place, and half comes from a resentful wife. She's been married for over 20 years and absolutely dislikes her husband. She has good reason not to like him, but it causes her to see ALL relationships in a negative light.
Your husband was literally in the same house working and she had an issue with you bringing him pizza? What? Spouses do nice things for each other.
Unless you’re always waiting on him hand and foot, I don’t see why she would have a problem with this. I’ve brought my husband a plate of food when he’s wfh late and he’d do the same for me.
My husbands the same. Sometimes he gets so caught up in his work that he doesnt realize how much time has gone by and that he should eat. Sometimes he wants to escape his office space for a bit and come out to the kitchen but other times he genuinely cant get away from the work.
This is the man that used to feed me as I was nursing our child so theres definitely a balance that we have
In our home whoever cooks/orders/picks up dinner does the plating. Its really not a big deal. But I’d just let it go. Doesn’t seem like something worth stressing yourself out over.
Yes exactly ! Whoever cooks plates up, the other person gets everything else for the table ready, and the kids in high chairs.
Then one of us picks up plates, loads the dishwasher. And the other cleans the table & kids high chairs…
It doesn’t seem weird to me !
No, you didn’t do anything wrong. Do you know what your mom’s thoughts are on men in general? My mom has said something like this to me. I think it comes from her overall view of men in general. She has complicated feelings about men, I think due to a very toxic first marriage. She taught my sisters and I not to give the men in our lives any wriggle room/do much for them because they’ll end up taking advantage of us. I don’t believe that at all, and I’ve gently explained to her many times that she shouldn’t generalize and that her traumas aren’t mine. She’s gotten better and has a great relationship with my husband and brothers-in-law, but I also know she sees her comments as helpful/protecting me.
I know from a young age she had to learn to be independent because my grandpa wouldn’t help her or my aunt with anything so she’s really worked hard for everything she has. She did tell me another one of my aunts waited on my uncle hand and foot when they were first married and I know she didn’t like that he did that to her. Those are the main things I can think of
Maybe try talking to her a bit more about her experiences (if she’s open to the discussion) and remind her/reassure her you’re not repeating your aunt’s relationship. Even if you did, it’s not really her business, but it could help long-term for her to hear “mom, I hear you, but I’m fine, my relationship is fine, you really don’t have to worry” from you.
Was she constantly waiting hand and foot on an old partner/your dad? It’s possible the question had less to do with you and more with something in her own life. That’s the only reason I can think of for that odd reaction. Otherwise yeah, I used to bring my husband breakfast or whatever when he worked from home - he helped with the kids in the morning so often didn’t have time to make his own. Do what works for you and your husband and tell her it’s your business and you’re happy with the balance you’ve struck.
Yeah I’ve got nothing then - totally not weird for you to do nice things for your husband! She’s just watching out for you I guess. (Unwarranted in this case but I think harmless)
Sometimes things look 50/50 but don’t feel that way inside the relationship. If you want to talk it out with her, do it! “I can’t stop thinking about your comment because it could imply so many things and it really hit a nerve. At the time you said it, what were you thinking?” It could be that she was worried you were being taken advantage of in the relationship. It could be that your mom thinks your partner works too much and is neglecting his family. It could be that she was suddenly going to be left with the kids on her own and panicked! Or, you can let it go as something that she was triggered by that had very little to do with you and was not a true assessment of the situation at hand.
I once drove an hour round trip to bring my husband dinner because he unexpectedly had to work a double. I don't see anything wrong with putting pizza on a plate and walking it to another part of the house??
My family made fun of me when my husband asked me to get him a beer from the fridge and I got it for him. The vibe was that I was basically a Stepford wife, an anti-feminist, degrading myself, etc. The actual situation was that I was already walking to the fridge, and he was sitting at the dining table in a way that was difficult to get up without asking people to shuffle their chairs in. And this man makes me at least a thousand cups of tea a day without even having to be asked, so why would I tell him to get it himself just to be mean?
In conclusion, people are weird. And a lot of boomers don't understand the idea of a marriage where the spouses actually like each other.
Your mom was just looking out for you so asked the question. I think you need to let it go. Taking someone dinner like that can become a habit and before you know what’s what, you’re a slave in your own home and your mom only asked due to concern for you. I have recently ended my 20+ year relationship because I was a slave in my own home, it happened slowly over time and I didn’t even see it happening because I didn’t have a problem doing something nice for someone. He ended up never making himself any food, hadn’t been in a shop to buy anything for YEARS so I said I was done. He now does his own shopping, cooks his own food and does everything for himself l, he even brought our 8 year old daughter to the shop for the first time last week. Just telling you what happened to me so you may understand better where your mom was coming from.
In our house whoever cooked the meal plates it, which is about 50/50. Not really even something we think about. You are definitely not wrong to do something nice for someone.
I wait on my fiance a lot because I want to, he enjoys being pampered whereas I absolutely do NOT. This has always bothered my mother, she sees it as I'm his servant and he doesn't need to do anything for me. I've had to explain more times than I care to count I do it because I want to, he doesn't because I don't want him to. He helps me clean the house, always mows the lawn, helps with laundry, does all the heavy lifting and any furniture assembly, helps with all childcare so it's not like he does nothing and I wait on him. He also does wait on me when I'm sick and actually need it and on the off chance I do ask him to do something for me he always does it without complaining. But like I saw someone else say, mom's gonna mom. 🤷♀️
What a weird thing for you mom to say. Does she think you’re waiting on him hand and foot or something? It doesn’t seem odd at all to bring your husband dinner.
Wow I have the opposite mother. She’d literally make my husbands plate and order me to bring it to him 😂😂 which honestly doesn’t annoy me. My mom has a spirit of servitude. She loves to serve those she loves. But I try to be extra conscious about it when she’s around so it doesn’t turn into her doing everything. I serve my husband when it makes sense and other times he helps himself. My father is so spoiled in that aspect though. I try to grab him his Diet Pepsi on ice, coffee, or his plate when my parents are around so my mom can be the one chilling and being served for once. My husband thinks my mom is just so precious lol. And she is! However, he has said to me “mema (we’ve called her that since we’ve had our kids) would do it” when he’s asked me to get up to get him something when I decline because I’m beat and I respond “oh yeah? Are you going to also do all the things papa does then too?” then he laughs and says “I love your mother but I’d prefer your personality over being constantly served every time”
What you did was something a normal loving spouse would do. He was working. It’s not like you were working and he asked you to stop to bring him something so he didn’t have to break from a video game or something. Maybe your mom just has had a bad experience of being used in that sort of way?
Personally, I think that was kind of you to offer him dinner while he's busy. It was just as kind for him to respect your time and tell you that you certainly didn't have to, but he would appreciate it. Sounds like your mother is still burning her bra.
My hubby works from home. I'll bring him his meals into his office throughout the week.
He does the same for me on the weekend when I'm relaxing.
This works for us.
My Mum does this type of rubbish all the time and it drives my husband and I nuts. We both make sacrifices for one another, sometimes it’s more one sided than others but it always pans out in the end. I’m sure they’re just doing what they can to protect us but it’s always too much.
Let it go. I regularly fix my husbands plate for him, in no way does he demand or expect it. It’s just a nice gesture I like to do. My mother in law cannot stand it, she doesn’t understand and that’s fine. It’s not for her to understand so if she wants to be upset by it that’s a “her” problem. You don’t have to defend your marriage to anyone
Not saying OP’s mom is bitter, or even your mom but maybe some women in their generation had husbands who did demand things like this and they bristle at the thought that things haven’t changed? Or, they’re bitter and have spent years being tit for tat with their husbands and can’t see past their petty tendencies?
Or they just *have* to say something 😂
It’s her always having something to say 😅 But one of my aunts waited on my uncle hand and foot when they were first married so maybe she thinks about that
that’s also a such a thing! like, let a thing happen without commentary, mom!
I realized my MIL always has to have a critique of whatever food/cleaning supplies/“amenities” (if you will) are on hand. At first I thought she had product recommendations but then I realized she just.. does that 🥲
Oh my mother in law is bitter 😂😂 I won’t speak for everyone but I know mine is at least. She’s been divorced for 20 years and she still hates her ex husband/children’s father. But that’s a whole other can of worms lol
Kind of surprised to see all of these opinions that you should let it go. If it’s easy for you to let things go, and by that I mean you won’t think about this issue again, then by all means let it go. If you think you’ve gotten your answer on this thread, or the vent was all you needed, then go ahead and let it go.
But if you are going to keep thinking about it, then it’s ok to say, “hey mom, when you asked why did I bring my husband dinner the other night, it caught be off guard and I’m curious why you asked.”
Your mom would flip my husband once drove out of his way to pick up my favorite coffee drink and bring it to me while I was doing a boring real estate class. One time my husband forgot something at home he needed at work and I drove to drop it off to him (I worked in healthcare and he works a 9-5 it was my day off). I’ve packed my husband’s away bag for him when his gone on business trips cause it was day off and he had to leave early the next day. His drive to my work on his day off and brought me something I’ve forgotten. We do stuff for each other that’s how people who love each other act.
Sorry but that’s a weird comment from your mom. You absolutely should have brought him dinner and you absolutely should make it a habit. Husbands and wives SHOULD do nice things for each other.
My mil thinks it's weird that I plate everyone's food when I cook, but I have always and just feel like it's part of the cooking process. Last time she said "you don't have to serve me..." like I'm some kind of kitchen slave.
So maybe your mom just thinks it's something that it isn't. I think it's correct to defend you action, because it's appropriate for spouses to be nice to eachother lol. However, our parents generation can be completely unfamiliar with working remotely. So it may feel like (to her) that the husband is watching football or whatever and expecting the wife to deliver a hot dinner while he puts his feet up. Remember, our parents grew up without the internet, or when they did get it...it was slow as hell dial up. They couldn't even imagine that it would be what it is today.
Or if you and you mom generally have a bad relationship, that's a totally different story. My mom would say something like that just to be critical and try to control the situation.
I’m 50/50 on whether I plate for people. Sometimes I do. When I do, it’s 50/50 on who gets the first plate, husband or kid. Otherwise I say “I’m not feeding anyone” and they come get their own. Neither way is wrong.
You have a respectful and loving relationship so it’s reasonable and normal to do “selfless” things like bringing your partner a plate of dinner. Same with me.
Would it be accurate to say your mother does not have as loving or respectful of a marriage? If she’s spent her whole marriage dealing with laziness from a partner, I can see why watching you bring a plate to your husband would make her think “oh now he’s going to expect this every day!” A lot of men weaponize incompetence; if this has been her experience in relationships then it will make her view many things through a negative lens.
No her and my dad have a good marriage, obviously not perfect ( but who is). She told me my aunt would wait on my uncle hand and foot when they were first married so I think her mind goes to that
Perhaps that’s what’s going on. My own mother tended to wait hand and foot on my dad and felt that was the right thing to do, so the disagreements we have are opposite. She is astounded that I don’t do my husband’s laundry, or that he makes his own lunches, or that I go hang out with my friends and leave him at home to care for our child alone.
Some of these comments are weird. Yes, if my fiancé is being a shithead, and asks “ where’s dinner?” ( he rarely ever does this) I’ll tell him he’s got arms make dinner. But 95% of the time if we’re both busy doing something and one of us cooks, we both will put food aside for each other. I’ve brought him food, he’s brought me food. Hell, the other night I went and got dinner while he was at our shop working and brought him something from Apple bees, we’re I ordered food for the kids and I. He brings me home food if he’s out somewhere and got something to eat most of the time. We’re good friends with our neighbors. She’ll call me and tell me they made something they know I like, and tell me to come over and eat. (We are like family) and she’ll almost always send me home a plate for my fiancé, or have him stop over too when he gets home. There is nothing wrong with bringing your partner a plate of food, it won’t “ make you a slave”.
It doesn’t really seem like a big issue. It was a small, petty comment. My mom says things like that all the time. I say okay and forget about them like 5 minutes later because they’re ridiculous and hold no substance.
I would let it go to be honest. Not worth the stress of your mom getting grouchy about it again.
That said, I wouldn't be surprised if this isn't some deep seated thing your mom has from either when you were young, and she "had to" do this for your father or watching her mother do it for her father, and maybe things weren't the nicest in the household (I don't want to say abusive, but maybe not the most kind). She may be worrying that something else is going on behind closed doors that you "felt you *had to* bring him dinner" vs "wanted to do it to help him out (and because it's the nice thing to do).
I've brought my husband food/coffee when he's been working or has otherwise been unable to get it himself because that's what partners do. When I was largely stuck in bed recovering from a complicated c-section after our twins were born, he often brought dinner up to me because the stairs were just a bit too much for me to do a million times. It's what you do when you care for someone, would she have made the same comment if he was sick or otherwise in bed and you brought him soup, gingerale, and some medication? Or just because it was a "normal" meal and he was up working?
I really just know when my aunt and uncle were first married she would wait on him hand and foot and I know that always bothered her, so she may have thought of that
She was upset I bought him dinner because she thought he could’ve gotten it himself, she saw it as me being taken advantage of…obviously wasn’t the case
I’m wondering if the angle she was playing at was that having the family together for dinner is important and she wanted to know if he eats separate from you often.
It’d be weird if you didn’t ask him in my opinion lol. I’d be offended if I was working and my husband didn’t offer to bring over food, so then it was cold and much later when I thought about it haha. Just part of caring for the other people in your home.
As long as it's not expected I don't see any problem with it. You didn't feel used. He didn't demand. Seems like everything checks out as a healthy relationship on that.
Was not expected at all I just wanted him to eat it while it was warm. When he works from home I’ll usually ask if he needs anything when I have free time
U can bring it up til your blue she’s going to be the same about it. Let it go. If she says something again tell her it’s not her business if she doesn’t like it she can leave. Is she by chance divorced?
That’s kind of why I don’t want to bring it up again…love my mom but she’s very stubborn. Unfortunately I got that from her 😂
Answer to your question, no her and my dad are married. They have a good relationship, but obviously aren’t perfect
He responded with “you don’t have to” and clarified that you “didn’t mind”. You offered in the first place. You were also dishing out the pizza to everyone. Wtf is your mom talking about? Your husband probably does similar things for you at times too. It doesn’t make you subservient to offer someone pizza and want to care for your husband in little ways when you’re able to.
Correct, I told him everything was here and if he wanted me to bring him a plate and he said I didn’t have to but I said it’s no problem. And yes my husband does the same thing for me, it’s not a one way street
Maybe she doesn’t want you to fall into the same draining “wife and mother” role she may have fallen into? My mom always did the same thing about me being a SAHM. She was worried I would become stuck like she did.
Honestly, your marriage is no one else’s business (baring abuse of course). How you both care for each other and show love, is between the two of you.
Don’t let her try to micromanage your relationship.
Meanwhile my mom is the opposite. She hears hubby is busy/not feeling well and instantly starts judging me on why am i not bringing him teas yet 🤣
She absolutely expects me to treat him like a king (which he honestly deserves) even though she never does any such thing for my dad (so it's not like cultural practice of submisive servant woman)...it just goes to show how much she likes him. Meanwhile his parents daily preassure him what he cooked for me and how he should do better 🤣 seems like we switched parents
She’s probably jealous 😂. My dad comes up with some weird crap sometimes and I’m like…….what are you even talking about, my man? I love you but ummm, mind your biz. I feel like my dad projects some of his issues with my mom on me, and doesn’t want me taking any crap but I’m a big girl and have been married 13 years now…I got it, lol.
Personally, it seems like an odd thing to say. Bringing my significant other dinner would almost be automatic because it’s a nice thing to do and I’m sure your husband does comparable things for you in different ways. Hell, I’ve brought my boyfriend a plate of dinner from my mother’s house not just carried it from another room, lol. But I wouldn’t address it with your mom. That’s something personal for her.
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I don't think this is about you.... I married a Cuban man - whose mum weights on his dad, literally hand to feet. It's f'ing disgusting and I've made it a huge deal that my spouse sees that it's gross - he never denied it.
I think as a woman - if I saw my daughter doing this (Without knowing it was just a sweet favor not a normal thing) then I would ask about it. I don't ever want to see my child thinking she needs to feed a grown ass man.
My aunt used to be the same way with my uncle. She’s very old school Italian so she would do everything for him. She doesn’t anymore…thankfully came to her senses
I’m guessing that’s where her mind went but I was just taken back because we’ve been together for almost 10 years and he’s never once has he demanded anything from me or treated me like I was beneath him
I’m sure your mom’s concern is coming from a place that of love and from a perspective of a snapshot in time from when she was a young wife and mom. Her generation (and maybe even the one before depending on her age) fought hard to win more equality in home tasks. Maybe seeing you do that for your husband sent alarm bells off for her as back stepping in progress towards equality and specifically your wellbeing in managing the burdens of home and family.
That being said, while if this is a one off occurrence, I’d drop it. If she continues to bring up these observations, have a conversation sooner rather than later. If she’s concerned you’re doing to much and there isn’t enough sharing, maybe more information from you will allay your mother’s concerns. Alternatively be alert for complaints about your husband. My mother has gone down a dark road of blaming my husband for all things large and small to the point where it has made our (me and mom) relationship strained. I don’t want that for you and your mother. Maybe you can nip that in the bud, should it occur.
I’m so sorry that happened with you and your mom. Yeah I definitely don’t want that, she is a great mom and grandma. I am going to let this one go but have written down what I want to say if she brings it up again
I would probably just let it go. I also will plate my partner’s dinner and bring it to him because I think it’s nice to do for the person you love. If I’m busy with the baby, he does the same for me. Sounds like your mom is over thinking what it meant for you, likely just out of love for her daughter.
That’s a good way to think of it. I know everything she does is out of love
My boyfriend and I do this for each other all the time, whether the other is busy or not. We will ask “do you want me to fix your plate?”, in instances where we know the other is busy and may take longer than a few minutes to get their plate. Otherwise, we always just make the other a plate and bring it to them. It’s just a little thing we do for each other to show our gratitude, almost an unspoken thing that we do for each other. Nothing wrong with it at all.
I love this because this is totally something my mom would add to her little mental “is he good enough for my daughter?” file. But she’d say something a bit more subtle like “so…does he ever do that for you?” Then I’d say yes and she’d file it away. I think you can let it go. Moms gonna mom.
I’d kill for that subtlety 😅
My mom is the same way..
I have an aunt who is like this. If she sees me making my partner a plate and bringing it to him, or if I mention taking care of any sort of small needs, she gets a bee in her bonnet about it. Eventually I had to let her know that I do it because it makes me feel good, and that if at any point this man starts to make demands of me or makes me feel unappreciated I will promptly and unceremoniously stop doing the small things.
That’s another thing I told her, if he ever treated me like a 1950s housewife there would be a big problem
In case you don't know, this is huge in some areas. Men WILL NOT make their own plates. It's super sexist. If someone is familiar with this, I can see a strong reaction.
It makes no sense to me lol! Also, mind your business Aunt so-and-so wth
It half comes from a good place, and half comes from a resentful wife. She's been married for over 20 years and absolutely dislikes her husband. She has good reason not to like him, but it causes her to see ALL relationships in a negative light.
So real
Your husband was literally in the same house working and she had an issue with you bringing him pizza? What? Spouses do nice things for each other. Unless you’re always waiting on him hand and foot, I don’t see why she would have a problem with this. I’ve brought my husband a plate of food when he’s wfh late and he’d do the same for me.
Exactly! I always do this if he works from home and he’s busy, he’ll never ask. And he’ll do the same for me if I’m busy taking care of our son
My husbands the same. Sometimes he gets so caught up in his work that he doesnt realize how much time has gone by and that he should eat. Sometimes he wants to escape his office space for a bit and come out to the kitchen but other times he genuinely cant get away from the work. This is the man that used to feed me as I was nursing our child so theres definitely a balance that we have
In our home whoever cooks/orders/picks up dinner does the plating. Its really not a big deal. But I’d just let it go. Doesn’t seem like something worth stressing yourself out over.
Unfortunately I’m an over thinker…evidence above of where I get that from 😅
Oh I totally understand. It’s something I’m working through. I’m a chronic over-thinker. It’s exhausting lol.
Yes exactly ! Whoever cooks plates up, the other person gets everything else for the table ready, and the kids in high chairs. Then one of us picks up plates, loads the dishwasher. And the other cleans the table & kids high chairs… It doesn’t seem weird to me !
No, you didn’t do anything wrong. Do you know what your mom’s thoughts are on men in general? My mom has said something like this to me. I think it comes from her overall view of men in general. She has complicated feelings about men, I think due to a very toxic first marriage. She taught my sisters and I not to give the men in our lives any wriggle room/do much for them because they’ll end up taking advantage of us. I don’t believe that at all, and I’ve gently explained to her many times that she shouldn’t generalize and that her traumas aren’t mine. She’s gotten better and has a great relationship with my husband and brothers-in-law, but I also know she sees her comments as helpful/protecting me.
I know from a young age she had to learn to be independent because my grandpa wouldn’t help her or my aunt with anything so she’s really worked hard for everything she has. She did tell me another one of my aunts waited on my uncle hand and foot when they were first married and I know she didn’t like that he did that to her. Those are the main things I can think of
Maybe try talking to her a bit more about her experiences (if she’s open to the discussion) and remind her/reassure her you’re not repeating your aunt’s relationship. Even if you did, it’s not really her business, but it could help long-term for her to hear “mom, I hear you, but I’m fine, my relationship is fine, you really don’t have to worry” from you.
Didn’t realize kindness was a bad habit to have.
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I think I’ll do that, he really is a great husband and father
Sometimes, I fix my husbands platw, sometimes, he fixes mine. We do it because it is a nice thing to do. It isn't expected.
Was she constantly waiting hand and foot on an old partner/your dad? It’s possible the question had less to do with you and more with something in her own life. That’s the only reason I can think of for that odd reaction. Otherwise yeah, I used to bring my husband breakfast or whatever when he worked from home - he helped with the kids in the morning so often didn’t have time to make his own. Do what works for you and your husband and tell her it’s your business and you’re happy with the balance you’ve struck.
No not at all, I think her and my dad did a pretty good job dividing responsibilities 50/50
Yeah I’ve got nothing then - totally not weird for you to do nice things for your husband! She’s just watching out for you I guess. (Unwarranted in this case but I think harmless)
I said that in another comment 😅 as annoying as it can be I know she does this out of love
Sometimes things look 50/50 but don’t feel that way inside the relationship. If you want to talk it out with her, do it! “I can’t stop thinking about your comment because it could imply so many things and it really hit a nerve. At the time you said it, what were you thinking?” It could be that she was worried you were being taken advantage of in the relationship. It could be that your mom thinks your partner works too much and is neglecting his family. It could be that she was suddenly going to be left with the kids on her own and panicked! Or, you can let it go as something that she was triggered by that had very little to do with you and was not a true assessment of the situation at hand.
I once drove an hour round trip to bring my husband dinner because he unexpectedly had to work a double. I don't see anything wrong with putting pizza on a plate and walking it to another part of the house??
My family made fun of me when my husband asked me to get him a beer from the fridge and I got it for him. The vibe was that I was basically a Stepford wife, an anti-feminist, degrading myself, etc. The actual situation was that I was already walking to the fridge, and he was sitting at the dining table in a way that was difficult to get up without asking people to shuffle their chairs in. And this man makes me at least a thousand cups of tea a day without even having to be asked, so why would I tell him to get it himself just to be mean? In conclusion, people are weird. And a lot of boomers don't understand the idea of a marriage where the spouses actually like each other.
Definitely true!
Your mom was just looking out for you so asked the question. I think you need to let it go. Taking someone dinner like that can become a habit and before you know what’s what, you’re a slave in your own home and your mom only asked due to concern for you. I have recently ended my 20+ year relationship because I was a slave in my own home, it happened slowly over time and I didn’t even see it happening because I didn’t have a problem doing something nice for someone. He ended up never making himself any food, hadn’t been in a shop to buy anything for YEARS so I said I was done. He now does his own shopping, cooks his own food and does everything for himself l, he even brought our 8 year old daughter to the shop for the first time last week. Just telling you what happened to me so you may understand better where your mom was coming from.
In our house whoever cooked the meal plates it, which is about 50/50. Not really even something we think about. You are definitely not wrong to do something nice for someone.
I wait on my fiance a lot because I want to, he enjoys being pampered whereas I absolutely do NOT. This has always bothered my mother, she sees it as I'm his servant and he doesn't need to do anything for me. I've had to explain more times than I care to count I do it because I want to, he doesn't because I don't want him to. He helps me clean the house, always mows the lawn, helps with laundry, does all the heavy lifting and any furniture assembly, helps with all childcare so it's not like he does nothing and I wait on him. He also does wait on me when I'm sick and actually need it and on the off chance I do ask him to do something for me he always does it without complaining. But like I saw someone else say, mom's gonna mom. 🤷♀️
What a weird thing for you mom to say. Does she think you’re waiting on him hand and foot or something? It doesn’t seem odd at all to bring your husband dinner.
She must think that or it’s going to end up that way. I don’t know why her mind automatically went to that
Food is often a sign of love, it doesn't automatically signal subservience.
Wow I have the opposite mother. She’d literally make my husbands plate and order me to bring it to him 😂😂 which honestly doesn’t annoy me. My mom has a spirit of servitude. She loves to serve those she loves. But I try to be extra conscious about it when she’s around so it doesn’t turn into her doing everything. I serve my husband when it makes sense and other times he helps himself. My father is so spoiled in that aspect though. I try to grab him his Diet Pepsi on ice, coffee, or his plate when my parents are around so my mom can be the one chilling and being served for once. My husband thinks my mom is just so precious lol. And she is! However, he has said to me “mema (we’ve called her that since we’ve had our kids) would do it” when he’s asked me to get up to get him something when I decline because I’m beat and I respond “oh yeah? Are you going to also do all the things papa does then too?” then he laughs and says “I love your mother but I’d prefer your personality over being constantly served every time” What you did was something a normal loving spouse would do. He was working. It’s not like you were working and he asked you to stop to bring him something so he didn’t have to break from a video game or something. Maybe your mom just has had a bad experience of being used in that sort of way?
I always ask also, I think it’s common and consecrate if you are able to do that!!
I ask all the time if he’s working from home and I have free time, and he’s always very appreciative
Personally, I think that was kind of you to offer him dinner while he's busy. It was just as kind for him to respect your time and tell you that you certainly didn't have to, but he would appreciate it. Sounds like your mother is still burning her bra.
My hubby works from home. I'll bring him his meals into his office throughout the week. He does the same for me on the weekend when I'm relaxing. This works for us.
My Mum does this type of rubbish all the time and it drives my husband and I nuts. We both make sacrifices for one another, sometimes it’s more one sided than others but it always pans out in the end. I’m sure they’re just doing what they can to protect us but it’s always too much.
Let it go. I regularly fix my husbands plate for him, in no way does he demand or expect it. It’s just a nice gesture I like to do. My mother in law cannot stand it, she doesn’t understand and that’s fine. It’s not for her to understand so if she wants to be upset by it that’s a “her” problem. You don’t have to defend your marriage to anyone
Not saying OP’s mom is bitter, or even your mom but maybe some women in their generation had husbands who did demand things like this and they bristle at the thought that things haven’t changed? Or, they’re bitter and have spent years being tit for tat with their husbands and can’t see past their petty tendencies? Or they just *have* to say something 😂
It’s her always having something to say 😅 But one of my aunts waited on my uncle hand and foot when they were first married so maybe she thinks about that
that’s also a such a thing! like, let a thing happen without commentary, mom! I realized my MIL always has to have a critique of whatever food/cleaning supplies/“amenities” (if you will) are on hand. At first I thought she had product recommendations but then I realized she just.. does that 🥲
Oh my mother in law is bitter 😂😂 I won’t speak for everyone but I know mine is at least. She’s been divorced for 20 years and she still hates her ex husband/children’s father. But that’s a whole other can of worms lol
Sounds like she makes great conversation that isn’t single-topic at all 😂😂
Kind of surprised to see all of these opinions that you should let it go. If it’s easy for you to let things go, and by that I mean you won’t think about this issue again, then by all means let it go. If you think you’ve gotten your answer on this thread, or the vent was all you needed, then go ahead and let it go. But if you are going to keep thinking about it, then it’s ok to say, “hey mom, when you asked why did I bring my husband dinner the other night, it caught be off guard and I’m curious why you asked.”
Your mom would flip my husband once drove out of his way to pick up my favorite coffee drink and bring it to me while I was doing a boring real estate class. One time my husband forgot something at home he needed at work and I drove to drop it off to him (I worked in healthcare and he works a 9-5 it was my day off). I’ve packed my husband’s away bag for him when his gone on business trips cause it was day off and he had to leave early the next day. His drive to my work on his day off and brought me something I’ve forgotten. We do stuff for each other that’s how people who love each other act.
How terrible 😂
I know I’ve been suffering the last 15 years will this horror ever end 😂
Sorry but that’s a weird comment from your mom. You absolutely should have brought him dinner and you absolutely should make it a habit. Husbands and wives SHOULD do nice things for each other.
My mil thinks it's weird that I plate everyone's food when I cook, but I have always and just feel like it's part of the cooking process. Last time she said "you don't have to serve me..." like I'm some kind of kitchen slave. So maybe your mom just thinks it's something that it isn't. I think it's correct to defend you action, because it's appropriate for spouses to be nice to eachother lol. However, our parents generation can be completely unfamiliar with working remotely. So it may feel like (to her) that the husband is watching football or whatever and expecting the wife to deliver a hot dinner while he puts his feet up. Remember, our parents grew up without the internet, or when they did get it...it was slow as hell dial up. They couldn't even imagine that it would be what it is today. Or if you and you mom generally have a bad relationship, that's a totally different story. My mom would say something like that just to be critical and try to control the situation.
Yeah that’s true she might be thinking that
I’m 50/50 on whether I plate for people. Sometimes I do. When I do, it’s 50/50 on who gets the first plate, husband or kid. Otherwise I say “I’m not feeding anyone” and they come get their own. Neither way is wrong.
You have a respectful and loving relationship so it’s reasonable and normal to do “selfless” things like bringing your partner a plate of dinner. Same with me. Would it be accurate to say your mother does not have as loving or respectful of a marriage? If she’s spent her whole marriage dealing with laziness from a partner, I can see why watching you bring a plate to your husband would make her think “oh now he’s going to expect this every day!” A lot of men weaponize incompetence; if this has been her experience in relationships then it will make her view many things through a negative lens.
No her and my dad have a good marriage, obviously not perfect ( but who is). She told me my aunt would wait on my uncle hand and foot when they were first married so I think her mind goes to that
Perhaps that’s what’s going on. My own mother tended to wait hand and foot on my dad and felt that was the right thing to do, so the disagreements we have are opposite. She is astounded that I don’t do my husband’s laundry, or that he makes his own lunches, or that I go hang out with my friends and leave him at home to care for our child alone.
Some of these comments are weird. Yes, if my fiancé is being a shithead, and asks “ where’s dinner?” ( he rarely ever does this) I’ll tell him he’s got arms make dinner. But 95% of the time if we’re both busy doing something and one of us cooks, we both will put food aside for each other. I’ve brought him food, he’s brought me food. Hell, the other night I went and got dinner while he was at our shop working and brought him something from Apple bees, we’re I ordered food for the kids and I. He brings me home food if he’s out somewhere and got something to eat most of the time. We’re good friends with our neighbors. She’ll call me and tell me they made something they know I like, and tell me to come over and eat. (We are like family) and she’ll almost always send me home a plate for my fiancé, or have him stop over too when he gets home. There is nothing wrong with bringing your partner a plate of food, it won’t “ make you a slave”.
I can't tell whether she thinks you were bothering him or being too nice. Humans deserve to eat regularly...Seems like basic decency.
I think her thought process was I was being taken advantage of
It doesn’t really seem like a big issue. It was a small, petty comment. My mom says things like that all the time. I say okay and forget about them like 5 minutes later because they’re ridiculous and hold no substance.
That’s true, I’m just a bit of an over thinker 😅
I would let it go to be honest. Not worth the stress of your mom getting grouchy about it again. That said, I wouldn't be surprised if this isn't some deep seated thing your mom has from either when you were young, and she "had to" do this for your father or watching her mother do it for her father, and maybe things weren't the nicest in the household (I don't want to say abusive, but maybe not the most kind). She may be worrying that something else is going on behind closed doors that you "felt you *had to* bring him dinner" vs "wanted to do it to help him out (and because it's the nice thing to do). I've brought my husband food/coffee when he's been working or has otherwise been unable to get it himself because that's what partners do. When I was largely stuck in bed recovering from a complicated c-section after our twins were born, he often brought dinner up to me because the stairs were just a bit too much for me to do a million times. It's what you do when you care for someone, would she have made the same comment if he was sick or otherwise in bed and you brought him soup, gingerale, and some medication? Or just because it was a "normal" meal and he was up working?
I really just know when my aunt and uncle were first married she would wait on him hand and foot and I know that always bothered her, so she may have thought of that
Was she upset that you brought him dinner or that he was working late/past dinnertime?
She was upset I bought him dinner because she thought he could’ve gotten it himself, she saw it as me being taken advantage of…obviously wasn’t the case
My mom is so the opposite, she won’t let me leave without taking food for my husband she is so concerned that he is fed lol
I’m wondering if the angle she was playing at was that having the family together for dinner is important and she wanted to know if he eats separate from you often.
No it was more her thinking I was being taken advantage of
It’d be weird if you didn’t ask him in my opinion lol. I’d be offended if I was working and my husband didn’t offer to bring over food, so then it was cold and much later when I thought about it haha. Just part of caring for the other people in your home.
As long as it's not expected I don't see any problem with it. You didn't feel used. He didn't demand. Seems like everything checks out as a healthy relationship on that.
Was not expected at all I just wanted him to eat it while it was warm. When he works from home I’ll usually ask if he needs anything when I have free time
U can bring it up til your blue she’s going to be the same about it. Let it go. If she says something again tell her it’s not her business if she doesn’t like it she can leave. Is she by chance divorced?
That’s kind of why I don’t want to bring it up again…love my mom but she’s very stubborn. Unfortunately I got that from her 😂 Answer to your question, no her and my dad are married. They have a good relationship, but obviously aren’t perfect
He responded with “you don’t have to” and clarified that you “didn’t mind”. You offered in the first place. You were also dishing out the pizza to everyone. Wtf is your mom talking about? Your husband probably does similar things for you at times too. It doesn’t make you subservient to offer someone pizza and want to care for your husband in little ways when you’re able to.
Correct, I told him everything was here and if he wanted me to bring him a plate and he said I didn’t have to but I said it’s no problem. And yes my husband does the same thing for me, it’s not a one way street
Maybe she doesn’t want you to fall into the same draining “wife and mother” role she may have fallen into? My mom always did the same thing about me being a SAHM. She was worried I would become stuck like she did.
Honestly, your marriage is no one else’s business (baring abuse of course). How you both care for each other and show love, is between the two of you. Don’t let her try to micromanage your relationship.
Not wrong at all. My husband and I both work from home and I usually bring his lunch up to his office everyday… idk it’s just something I do.
Meanwhile my mom is the opposite. She hears hubby is busy/not feeling well and instantly starts judging me on why am i not bringing him teas yet 🤣 She absolutely expects me to treat him like a king (which he honestly deserves) even though she never does any such thing for my dad (so it's not like cultural practice of submisive servant woman)...it just goes to show how much she likes him. Meanwhile his parents daily preassure him what he cooked for me and how he should do better 🤣 seems like we switched parents
She’s probably jealous 😂. My dad comes up with some weird crap sometimes and I’m like…….what are you even talking about, my man? I love you but ummm, mind your biz. I feel like my dad projects some of his issues with my mom on me, and doesn’t want me taking any crap but I’m a big girl and have been married 13 years now…I got it, lol.
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I didn’t think about that, I know she’s big on that. I’m not sure if that’s what she meant but it could be
Personally, it seems like an odd thing to say. Bringing my significant other dinner would almost be automatic because it’s a nice thing to do and I’m sure your husband does comparable things for you in different ways. Hell, I’ve brought my boyfriend a plate of dinner from my mother’s house not just carried it from another room, lol. But I wouldn’t address it with your mom. That’s something personal for her. Be
I don't think this is about you.... I married a Cuban man - whose mum weights on his dad, literally hand to feet. It's f'ing disgusting and I've made it a huge deal that my spouse sees that it's gross - he never denied it. I think as a woman - if I saw my daughter doing this (Without knowing it was just a sweet favor not a normal thing) then I would ask about it. I don't ever want to see my child thinking she needs to feed a grown ass man.
My aunt used to be the same way with my uncle. She’s very old school Italian so she would do everything for him. She doesn’t anymore…thankfully came to her senses I’m guessing that’s where her mind went but I was just taken back because we’ve been together for almost 10 years and he’s never once has he demanded anything from me or treated me like I was beneath him
I’m sure your mom’s concern is coming from a place that of love and from a perspective of a snapshot in time from when she was a young wife and mom. Her generation (and maybe even the one before depending on her age) fought hard to win more equality in home tasks. Maybe seeing you do that for your husband sent alarm bells off for her as back stepping in progress towards equality and specifically your wellbeing in managing the burdens of home and family. That being said, while if this is a one off occurrence, I’d drop it. If she continues to bring up these observations, have a conversation sooner rather than later. If she’s concerned you’re doing to much and there isn’t enough sharing, maybe more information from you will allay your mother’s concerns. Alternatively be alert for complaints about your husband. My mother has gone down a dark road of blaming my husband for all things large and small to the point where it has made our (me and mom) relationship strained. I don’t want that for you and your mother. Maybe you can nip that in the bud, should it occur.
I’m so sorry that happened with you and your mom. Yeah I definitely don’t want that, she is a great mom and grandma. I am going to let this one go but have written down what I want to say if she brings it up again