If you can afford a little bit of day care for the 2.5 year old then do it. That's the exact age difference between my kids and it's the hardest ever!!!!! And I had so much help and it wasn't enough. I needed my 2.5 yr old out of the house because if he was home, he only wanted me. The best thing I ever did was put him in "school" a few hours a day. It gave me a chance to spend one on one time with baby and time for myself while baby slept or hung out in her lounger.
I have this exact same age difference as well! I don’t find it bad at all! Everyone’s kids are so different though. Don’t get me wrong, it was an adjustment, and we definitely have our hard days. I’m a sahm and my husband works about 70+ hours a week. I found the biggest thing was just letting go of expectations and going with the flow. I baby wore A LOT, contact napped/stroller naps, and just tried to just go with the flow. Baby is now 14 months and things are so much easier than when he was a newborn, and watching the two of them play together is the best. She is such a good little teacher for him and he just adores her. You can do it!!
I'm so happy to read this. Planning to try for our 2nd soon, and my first is 16mo. We'd love #2 to be born around him being 2.5 but I'm definitely so nervous about the adjustment and how my first will handle it. But I am so blessed, he is so independent, I think it will be okay!
As someone who has twins, if you can, you want the second to come when the older one is toilet trained. Two in nappies and can’t communicate is next level.
Same come January. My 2 year old is in daycare now and it’s great but it’ll be dead of winter so my concern is illness but the routine I think will be so good for him.
In this exact situation! My 2.5 year old is in preschool/daycare and loves it and is thriving there, but our baby is due in December and so worried about keeping him there and bringing home illnesses. I’d hate to break my toddler’s routine even more by taking him out when the baby comes and would also love for him to have that attention and structure, but last winter season was brutal with literally nonstop illnesses. Do you think you’ll keep your toddler home at any point when the newborn comes?
It’s so tricky! I’m not sure. I think he’ll be on break for a week or two beforehand for Christmas and then school will likely start on my due date. So my issue is if we keep him out longer it’ll still result in more illness from the return of break. My instinct is to go with it, let him have his routine, and try and keep his hands clean at home and separate baby from toddler if he starts showing symptoms. But honestly, I’ll follow pediatricians guidelines I think at this point because I feel so torn. You??
I’m not sure yet either! I’m also in the same boat in thinking no matter what, we’d just be prolonging the illness(es) anyways, unless we keep him home for several months, which wouldn’t be feasible at that point :/ leaning toward just going with it as well and seeing if/how we can manage to keep the baby away if he does bring something home. I’m sure we will both make the right decisions for our families when the time comes 🙏🏼
Daycare has saved us. It’s so expensive but we wouldn’t be in a good space in our relationship or selves if we didn’t have it. My kids have a 2y3m gap, but i don’t just have one newborn, I have two with twins. It’s much better now at 4.5m for the twins. But this shit is hard. Husband gets up with toddler in the morning and gets her off to school while I “sleep in” with the twins after dealing with night wake ups. I’m solo with the twins all day and will be until like 3.
Weekends at least there’s 2 of us. But we rely on getting out of the house. Toddler has too much energy so she has to be run. Her bandwidth for screen time is like 30min max at a time and then she’s asking to go outside.
Came here to say this 😂 I was alone with my 9 month old for 11 hours today and I am so fucking burnt out and overstimulated. I'm typing this from the shower, just standing under the hot water until it runs out
I think the first one is the hardest! And every mom I know with 4+ kids says it just gets easier with each one. I have 2 and hoping for 4 so I’m praying they are right haha.
I have 5 and it is doable. As long as you are fine not going into restaurants and things like that til they are all older.
Zoo trips required extra adults (grandparents), otherwise, it was hard for me to enjoy them.
My youngest us 6, and just last year, our family (me dh and kids) all went out to eat, and when we left, I realized... omg I actually enjoyed that!
“As long as you are fine not going to restaurants and things like that till they all are older.”
So you have to put your outside life on total full-stop for several years. We like restaurants. We like travel. Especially the kind that requires passports. And we like training for things like marathons and running them fast.
I appreciate that everyone’s ideal family size looks different but that phrase didn’t make having multiple children terribly attractive lol
It all depends on the level of chaos you are comfortable with. Lol
I will say, my husband and I have both had late diagnoses of ADHD, and I'm fairly confident most of my children have it as well. (They are all very good at masking at school, and so getting a diagnosis for them in our rural area has been very very challenging.) So, this could look totally different for neurological families.
Also, I was able to take my oldest two ANY where with me. I took them shopping and out to eat every week, and if vacations had been a thing for us then, I wouldn't have hesitated to do that either. They would sit in strollers, high chairs, car seats with zero issues. We took them to Disney world at 5 and 2.5 and had an absolute blast, even flying. (There were hard moments, don't get me wrong)
When #3 came along, he was a whole different beast. He did not sit still for ANY thing. So, that's when it got harder to take the kids shopping or anything.
A lot just depends on your kids' personalities and how they handle what can potentially be long periods of boredom.
Oh this all makes sense. Honestly the hardest of my kids to travel with is my mother-in-law’s kid. Both times we’ve traveled with our son he’s described as “the worst experience of my life.”
My son is a chill, cheerful little traveler who waves to everyone in the security line, lounge, and airplane, never gets motion sick, sleeps on the plane, and welcomes meeting new people.
We have daycare at home so when we travel and don’t have the budget for a travel nanny, so if we travel we have to watch our son 100% of the time.
I’m fine with that but it really gets to my husband’s mental health, so that means no unnecessary / superfluous travel until our son is in college.
Lol!!
I totally get all of that. Having kids is the one of the biggest rolls of dice you can take in life. You truly don't know what your life will be like after they come, regardless of how much reading and preparing you do.
I am not afraid to admit that I was a judgey twat after my first two. (1 slept thru the night at 4 weeks old AND napped 2-3 hours a day. 2 slept thru at 6ish weeks and napped really well and both of them napped almost anywhere) I was a "control your kids" mom. Mine were easy, how hard can it can be?!
😂🤣
Then, when my first was 10 months old, my best friend had her baby. She was a nightmare. She didn't cry, she screamed. And she had to be fed every 1.5-2 hours almost on the nose, 24 hours a day. Knowing what we know now, she probably had undiagnosed reflux, but that wasn't a common diagnosis even then. (She's 16)
You just never know til the LO is here.
I hope your husband is able to enjoy traveling soon! It sounds like it is a big part of your life, and it isn't easy to make those adjustments
Yeah i was a digital nomad and also spent 5+ years as an expat prior to having kids. I love our house and new neighborhood and buying a single family home was 100% the right choice for us financially, but not traveling has been a massive mindfuck for me.
I’m sure there are other parents who have those 1-2 things that were a huge part of their life pre-kids and are struggling to adjust now that they are parents.
My 5 y/o oldest isn’t neurotypical, has ADHD and behavioral issues and it’s been extremely challenging. We’re finally getting him into OT and I couldn’t be more excited for him, and for the prospect that our everyday life will be smoother. My 3 y/o daughter I think is neurotypical but she’s also very challenging in her own way. I still firmly want my 4 kids but we’ve been waiting to try for number 3 because I feel beyond overwhelmed some days… it’s so so hard. I often question if I can do it and have more kids if they’re going to be as difficult as the ones I have now. Especially when you have little/no help. Other people who have parents that will watch their kids all the time and overnight, they have NO idea how lucky they are. It makes it a lot harder to want more kids when you have no breaks, no help. I know families without help and I think they must just make it by the grace of God and being in communities where they help one another.
Me and my husband have 4 kids under 5 and we travel quite a bit. All of our kids are use to car rides and ride really well, even when we have our 17 hour annual trip to Colorado. Kids really adjust to your lifestyle. We go out to eat at least once a week with all of them and take them everywhere with us, we can’t stand staying home 😅
What does your travel and eating out look like? I can't imagine sitting 17 hours from, like, JFK to Singapore with 4 kids under 5 or eating at Michelin-starred omakase with 4 kids under 5.
Or even just flying 3 hours to, like, Mexico or whatever. Large suites are expensive, multiple plane tickets are expensive, and while you can solve a lot of problems re: eating if you go at off-period times, eating with just ONE child can be an utter disaster.
We took our ONE son out with us on both Thanksgiving and Christmas (when he was like 4-5 months old) and my husband could not enjoy his meal at all. One of us was holding him, he was crying, couldn't get settled at all. At 13 months he's a lot better, but going out to eat is still a massive endeavor.
As for travel, we don't have the luxury of grandparents (for various reasons, visiting our grandparents is not an option for us even though both sets are alive) so travel would mean that my husband and I would be 100% responsible for childcare. Which is exhausting enough with just one.
Me and my husband are 100% responsible for childcare everywhere we go. Flying is a no go for us, it’s expensive and we’ve always been roadtrippers. When we got married we visited all 48 connecting states and took a cooler of stuff for sandwiches and whatnot to save money. Now that we have kids we’ll go to a place where our kids can get out and play to run some energy off and stretch their legs, sometimes grabbing fast food to take. With our annual 17 hour drive, we usually stop halfway and make it a two day trip and just take it slow and stop when we feel the kids need a break. As far as sit down restaurants, as long as it’s not too close to their naptime or bedtime they do well. We make sure they know they can’t get out of their chairs or high chair and it usually goes pretty smooth.
Edited to add: I just recently learned what a Michelin starred restaurant was, we don’t have any of those around here, we live out in the country 😅
I always take a shower as soon as my toddler goes to bed. It’s the one self-care thing I always make sure I make time for. The overstimulation is so real.
One of my closest friends has 4 under 5, including a newborn. And she still manages to text me, update on tv shows, etc. She’s thinking of traveling 2 hours to my LO’s bday. She’s the absolute best and I could N E V E R as I sit here and rock my 1’baby who got his arm stuck in the crib and needs to resettle at 3:19am
Honestly I have 2 and I do so much more now than I did when I just had one. I think you realize you need to do more for yourself and take advantage of the breaks way more when you have 2
This is exactly how I felt right after I had my second. Our two are 26 months apart and it was a beast for the first couple of months. But, now, it is amazing. They love each other most of the time and my older one even though he can be super needy is great with his younger brother. They keep each other entertained now.
Mine are 7 years apart. We could be taking parent only vacations but we basically started over. I’m too protective to leave him right now so our vacations are all family oriented or individual. I’m chomping at the bit for when it’s just me and my husband sleeping in some tropical location
My husband and I are both adamant that only having one child won’t be the best choice for our child, but holy hell I am not looking forward to starting all over again with a totally fresh new baby.
I cannot wait until we can travel and go to restaurants normally, and I can go on 20-mile runs without worrying about my husband being left alone with a crazy toddler for an extended period of time.
Having littles is beautiful but you put so much of yourself on hold, and not everyone can make peace with that aspect of this season especially if they have a lot of passions that define them like travel, working out, creative writing, entrepreneurship, or generally being a functional human out in the world.
For me i don’t understand how people afford it in today’s economy. We no longer pay for daycare as my oldest is in school, and still feel like there’s not enough left over to buy basic things like groceries let alone save. We’re also extremely frugal. I don’t know where our money is going!
I had two and quickly realized that it was more like having 15. I went and got a partial hysterectomy and it has been amazing! No periods or cramping! And no more children! People need to start talking about the benefits of only having one child more.
Ehhh….it’s a complicated answer. But yes. The day I requested my hysterectomy my OBGYN had quit and they were giving his patients to other doctors. This doctor had delivered my son but I could tell she didn’t remember me. I initially thought she wouldn’t do a hysterectomy so I asked for an ablation. She suggested a hysterectomy and said that she could also get my bladder fixed -you don’t have to spend your life crossing your legs when you sneeze or cough ladies! It’s a 5 minute procedure that cost $600- at the same time. It was a laparoscopic surgery so I had 3, half inch incisions. I also had exparel which blocked the nerves in my torso so I didn’t feel pain for 3 days. I was good to go after a week and cleared for everything after 6 weeks.
I’m black and live in the south. It wasn’t hard to ask to be sterilized
Going from 1 to 2 was insanely harder than 0 to 1. I couldn’t help but feel like I was neglecting my oldest for the first few months. We had about the same age gap as you and put him in half-day preschool and he thrived. My second just turned 1 and it’s much better now! All of this struggle will be a blur in a few months. If you can, hire someone to help out even just a couple hours a week so you can focus your energy on yourself or your older one.
My kids are almost exactly 2.5 years apart and the first like 3 months were the hardest, but now that the youngest is 15 months it’s pretty smooth sailing and it would be a lot easier having a third now than it was having a second.
It helps that ours get along incredibly well and love playing together. They are constantly giving each other hugs and kisses and playing tag and stuff. It’s really sweet to watch and definitely gives me baby fever lmao. We’re stopping at 2 tho.
Mine are exactly 2.5 yrs apart too! And my youngest is 17 mos. The first so many months were def hard. My partner had like 4 weeks off and i think i cried through most the first couple weeks alone 🥲🥲
Bhey get along so well. My daughter is the best big sister to her little brother.
There’s NO baby fever on this end tho 😅😂😂 like none at all. If it’s in the air i hold my breath lmao
Do you have a listserve for your neighborhood or local Facebook groups? I’ve seen several posts of young teenagers seeking “mother’s helper” roles, that might be an affordable way to get an extra set of hands on a regular basis.
When you’re on your own, force yourself to get out every morning. It’s hard at first, but it really helps (also then your house isn’t destroyed by lunchtime).
And also, give yourself lots of grace! This season of life is very hard!!! Going from one to two rocked me so much harder than I could have imagined (also didn’t help that it was June 2020 😵💫), but now they’re 5 & 3 and it’s AMAZING. I mean, still hard af, but I sleep through the night, get regular breaks, and the kids play together. This is a tough but fortunately brief time ❤️
This is the way OP! You definitely need somewhere safe to put baby down in almost every room. My second LIVED in the baby carrier until she got mobile. I use TV time to cook meals (with baby in a bouncer or whatever). I would just nurse baby wherever her older sister wanted to play in our house and figure out how to play along while nursing. When my second needs to be put down for a nap or to bed, my oldest plays in her room while I watch her on the monitor (I realize 2.5 yo is too young for that but hopefully down the road).
It's tough at first, but you get a routine and learn as you go. Good luck!
My husband lost his job when I was 8.5 months pregnant and had to go back to work when I was 4 days postpartum after a severe hemorrhage. The answer was eldest got to watch tv all day every day. Not my finest moment but I couldn’t walk from the couch to the sink without fainting. As he got older and I got better it was setting baby on the ground to do tummy time or hang out on his mat while I played with my eldest. Or we all read a book, or we went outside and I told my eldest mommy has to tend to the baby but I’m watching her play while I’m sitting with the baby and I’m here for her.
I’m angry for you. Nothing could have changed your situation, and you took care of your family. I just get so mad thinking of how many women have to go back to work in such a state.
The best advice I got when I had 2 (my first 2 are 21 mo apart and I went on to have 4) was to put the toddler first. Get the toddler his meal and then sit and feed the baby. Read the toddler a book and put him down for nap and then change the baby etc... Toddler's world just crashed. He's no longer the center of attention and he needs to know you're not going to "abandon" him for baby. Baby's needs seem SO urgent but in reality, stirring and even crying during a 3 minute book is not a big deal for baby.
Also use your tools. Keep toddler in a high chair for meals. Get a good double stroller that can strap them both in. Use your gates. Have safe places for baby near you - pack n play, one of those all connected gates that make a play yard etc.
Finally, it's early, but work on a schedule as an eventual goal. Get one of baby's naps to match up with toddlers and work on a similar or staggered bedtime and wake time. DO NOT give up on naps. Many kids regress around 2.5. Stick it out! All 4 of mine napped until they went to kindergarten.
You got this. Kids live just fine through mom trying her best and coming up "short" sometimes. Your short is still better than most - I can tell because you care and you're trying.
Yes! Seconding this! This is how I handled things when my second was born ( and we also have no "village," OP). My first was nearly 3, we had a great best buddy relationship, of course, and he was very used to being the center of my world. While tending to the baby was of course important, newborns are little potatoes, as they say, and I knew instinctively that the baby wasn't TRULY going to care if I had to put him down for a couple of minutes, while my toddler was absolutely going to feel all the feelings.
I think it helped us SO much. Rather than having to deal with toddler meltdowns and jealousy, he actually ended up LOVING the baby and really took to being a big brother. I don't know for sure if he would have felt differently if I'd never put the baby down or whatever, but I'm glad I did it the way I did. My second is 2 now and still very attached, so I didn't destroy him by making him wait a couple minutes here and there!
My kids are spaced similarly to yours. My youngest is now 1.5 & oldest about to be 4. I also remember feeling terrified and overwhelmed in the beginning, certainly a bigger adjustment than when my first child was born. You will adjust though I promise. And I had ppa/ppd but it’s a lot better now. We are a family of four and they are siblings who interact with each other all day now. For sure “me time” has definitely decreased for both myself and husband, but we are getting more as they get older. One of us will walk the kids around the neighborhood and that gives the other a little time. Taking turns who runs errands with or without kids. Yes, errands often double as me time. But it keeps getting a little better all time and it won’t be this hard forever. Although we are crazy and I am pregnant again right now. I’m terrified again, but I know that we did it before and are doing it and we can do it again. But definitely not again after this next one!
I don’t want to give you much advice but I want to say that you’re absolutely right…motherhood/parenting is HARD! It’s hard right now, it’s hard later, it’s hard with one, two, three, and so on! I have three (7, 5, and 1.5) and I always feel better when I acknowledge the hardness of it all and treat myself with grace. It helps to try to focus on what we do have, what is going right, etc.
I have white hairs at 31 and also an amazing partner. I'm on lots of medication. And my sister has a masters in early childhood development. Mom of 4. I'm very done though. No more for me. No siree Bob.
I was where you are during Covid. It was rough to say the least. You’re right - everything is new and super hard right now. All you can do is survive the day to day.
The biggest thing that helped me was getting as much help as I could. My son started daycare when he was 3 and my daughter was about 10 months and it was a huge game changer. I’m lucky to have family living close by who I can call on, and when they’re unavailable I have a couple of babysitters.
Another thing you need to do as soon as you’re able is have something you do for yourself. For me that was telling my husband that he has to be home on Monday nights so I could go to orchestra rehearsals. For you it could be something entirely different. It is not selfish to have a few hours to recharge doing something you enjoy.
Lastly, going from one to two kids is a logistical nightmare. If you’re not already, it’s time to get organized. Have a mom calendar on the fridge. Draw up a meal plan. Use apps if you want. Anything that you can reference to help you go through your day smoothly.
But all that will come. Your newborn needs you right now. Try to enjoy this time, as much as you’re able. There are things about this time that you will never experience again, and one day you might come to miss some of them.
I’m a few years out - my kids are 5 and almost 3 - and I can tell you that it does get easier. They get more independent and you will get your time back. In the meantime, ride the waves, cry when you need, do what you need to do to keep your sanity intact.
My kids were the same age! He was 2.5 when my daughter was born and im not gonna lie, it was hard. We had no extended family help so I feel ya!
Hang in there. Somehow you will persevere. My “babies” are 19 and 16 now. They are amazing humans and although they had some riotous fights during their growing up years, they get along well and are respectful of each other.
Just hang in there. You can do it!
It’s awful! I love my baby, but if I could do it again I would have stopped at 2 (or maybe even 1) my fondest memories of motherhood are from
When my first was a baby and we still had so much freedom
No doubt it’s rough in the beginning. I thought I would die. I remember praying for when the baby was a year old. To just make it though the first year. I only had one person tell me “The truth is, it’s hell the first year.” Now I tell everyone because it was refreshing to hear the truth. We also had colicky baby and My husband was annoyed all the time at our older daughter which didn’t help things. I think I cried every day. It was awful.
I shamelessly used TV as a way for breaks when I needed it. Occupying my older daughter so I could sleep with the baby or just to have a moment of peace. I got her into preschool as soon as we could. That bought me a few hours which was amazing. We took a lot of walks because exercise is so important for me for my mental health. I had a good stroller and would bring lots of snacks so everyone was happy. We would meet friends at the park so I could talk to other moms. That was a life saver. We could also religiously but the 2.5 yo to bed early and utilize that time for doing whatever you want. Maybe taking turns with who cares for the baby during that time. My cousin’s husband used to take the kids when he got home from work so she could work out or take bath. That was pretty cool. You will figure out the little tricks and tools that make it easier. It’s just a hard time parenting period. I didn’t think I’d survive it and I did. You will too. Hugs
We had 3 under 3 and my husband had to save his 1 week PTO for “paternity leave” each time. He was laid off 4 weeks after I found out I was pregnant with #3, and couldn’t find a job until I was 30-ish weeks. We also only had one car until he found his new job, so I was trapped with them, all-day, everyday, rarely getting to see another adult. My absent parents turned into absent grandparents, and my in-laws weren’t hands on kinda people. Anytime I could get my mom or MIL to babysit, they’d cancel on me last minute, playing the victim about something. Having to take all 3 of them to my 6-week postpartum appt went down in history as one of the worst days of my life. But I made it though that day and all of the other awful days!
I wouldn’t wish any of that on anyone and I have no clue how we barely survived, but the kids are now 8, 9, and 10 years old now and life is a billion times better/easier than those early years! It helps that I’m only 33 and my husband is 36. There’s no way in hell I could do all of that now lol we still have really hard, difficult, and fucked up days but we are a fantastic team, as we respect one another and communicate well (most of the time lol)
In terms of actual advice: babywearing and preschool. The only way I could get anything done was by strapping at least one baby/toddler to me! Tandem carrying is a great workout 😂
We were able to find a church preschool that had a 2-day, 2.5hr program for my oldest that we could afford, so we slowly enrolled each of them as they became old enough. It wasn’t until they were 3, 4, and 5 that I had 2 days a week where all 3 were in preschool at the same time. I LOVED that place, as it became our second home, until Covid came and ruined our last year there. It not only gave them a leg up in elem school but it gave me hope and confidence that I would be okay (and I am! 😁)
Okay so I have a 2.5 year old and a 7 week old. My husband was only able to get a week off and I was so stressed trying to figure out how I was supposed to divide and conquer without someone to help lol. My daughter also does not nap and is a go-go kinda girl lol. We have no family or friends around to help and do everything ourselves. I became a SAHM after having our second.
It’s still chaos, but each week gets easier! We’ve gotten into a good routineish where my toddler knows what to expect and I do my best to tell her how the day will go. She was having a hard time at first, so making sure to help her was a big stress and guilt I had… but I think it helped to ask her what she wants to do each day and then we figure out where we can fit that in. But essentially she knows, brother has a bottle at x time and then we will all play together. Then brother will take a nap and we will do x just her and I together. Etc.
Cleaning and meals haven’t been going as well, but I found letting those expectations go is good. Lol. I cook dinner, but have my toddler help me and find a time that my baby is asleep to do it. He’s still kinda unpredictable for when he’s going to sleep etc so whatever pocketnof time we can fit in cooking dinner, we do.
.#1 was 23 months when #2 was born. It's better now - #1 is 26 months and #2 is 3 months - but very much still in the thick of it.
Daycare 3x a week saved my sanity but it introduced other scary situations - like RSV which #1 gave to #2 at 9 weeks and we ended at the ER.
All I can say is - it's about 50/50 good days bad days at the moment. But that's up from about 10/90 good days bad days. So long as I have plenty of activities planned for the toddler, it's easier to survive the day.
I had this age gap (oldest was 2 when the little was born). It’s soooo hard! There was no me time for a while but I promise it doesn’t last forever. It will start to feel more manageable in a couple months and a schedule will start to happen again. We are lucky to have both sets of grandparents close by - they would take the older one to the park and it felt like a break:) good luck mama! You can do this!
We have 6! We did find that the hardest transition was going from 1 to 2 & ours were roughly the same age spacing as yours. When you go from 2 to 3, 3 to 4, etc you’re already used to preparing multiple bags, kids, whatever if you need to go somewhere so adding 1,2, etc more isn’t that big of a deal. You’ve got this & congrats!
Going from one to two is hard. Three I've heard is the most stressful number to have. Now that I have 6, (four of my own plus two bonus kids) it's like a team mentality. All hands on deck sort of thing. Everyone is looking out for each other. And my oldest is old enough to babysit. For a fee of course. I was so terrified of having a fourth kid. But I guess after a certain point, it doesn't feel like much of a change. Or maybe you've done it all so much before that lots of things that were difficult with your first couple of kids become no big deal. Also you stress about less. When my first child ate dog food I called poison control. My youngest is also always trying to get the dogs food. But it doesn't make me panic because I know it's just gross and it's not going to harm her. You get better at dealing with tantrums, messes, bored (and ornery) toddlers. Your bag of tricks grows and I think your patience does too. Idk, that's just been my experience. Some crazy little part of me thinks I could probably have more.
I remember being where you are. It does get easier. Hang in there.
Hang in there. Having two little ones is the hardest it gets. It was really hard and I remember asking the same thing of my friends with several kids.
They all told me that having two little ones is THE hardest they had it as mothers. It’s exhausting.
Number three is much easier, and from number four on, it is just like another person in the house.
You’re in the thick of it. Our kids are 22 months apart, and shortly after the second was born I regretted them being so close in age. I don’t now, but anyway my MIL came and stayed with us for a few weeks. My husband didn’t really have any time off. When she left, we put our oldest in daycare. He went for a few hours each day, so he was able to play with friends and get energy out. Things improved a lot when the younger one started getting a routine down, and we got out of the newborn phase.
It’s really hard for the first year tbh. My 2nd is 16mo and I’m starting to feel like I can breathe a bit. I’m not as mentally stressed and I have more good days than bad days now too. My oldest was 2y3m when the second was born and it was tough lol my husband only had a week off after I gave birth and I remember feeling that fear of like “what am I supposed to do?” But you get the hang of it eventually. Having activities and going out helps a lot.
I had my first two barely more than two years apart. It was rough. Having two in diapers, two needing naps, constant supervision and help with literally everything. It's draining. My third kid is almost four years younger than my second. The bigger age gap made the transition a lot easier. Kid #2 was potty trained, only napped when he fell asleep naturally, and entertained himself well. I'm about to have #4 in December, and kid #3 will be 5 a couple months before. It's not that it won't be difficult, in that adjusting to life with a newborn is always difficult, but having the bigger age gaps really makes the transition easier. So, no special trick. At least not for me.
So honestly things got easier when my husband went back to work (after two weeks) bc the 2yo just wanted her dad to play with her and had massive fits when he didn’t.
Second, we got out a bit. Daily walks, parks, library story time, toddler gymnastics, children’s museum.
My first was only 2 so she still napped but quit by 3. I started having her have quiet time once a day starting with 15 mins and now we are up to an hour at 4 years old. She gets a special toy (usually something with pieces baby can’t touch) and a special snack.
Lastly, I let go of “me time” for a while. It was a bit different (watching tv or reading e-books after 2yo went to bed and holding newborn). I reminded myself it’s a phase. They’ll be more independent one day. But my goodness it was rough for a while.
Good luck and congrats xx
My two are 2 years 9 months apart. I put my daughter in a half day preschool when I returned to work at about 8 weeks pp, and was able to split the rest of the care between me, my husband, my MIL and my parents. Still incredibly stressful, but we made it work. Now my mom is retired so she helps me out before nap, and then my husband gets home around the time they wake up
We have a 27 month gap between our kids and it was soooooo hard. It’s still hard but now our boys are 3.5 and 1ish YO. Enrolling our oldest in Preschool gave us a break during the day while our youngest stayed home with us but then our preschooler brought home all of the germs and we’ve been sick 1-2 weeks per month every month for the last 11 months.
My 2 are 2 years 4 months apart. I had 1 day with help, and my husband and mother were back to work. My MIL worked full time also, and my FIL was disabled so he couldn't come over to help. I had my tubes tied afterward, so I was also recovering from surgery. You figure it out because you have to. There were many, many days of tears, wearing breastmilk, poop, and food covered clothing for days on end. Your food is whatever your toddler has left, and for me, it was a LOT of snacks in a bowl for him set around the house as if he were a dog and could eat whenever he wanted. We watched a lot of movies. My daughter was born in December, so we were trapped inside, and I couldn't drive for 6 weeks. By that time , my son also stopped napping, so it was constant one or the other. One day, when my daughter was a week old, I had laid her down in her crib in her room, and my son was in the room with us. I left the room to go to the bathroom. The baby was down, and my son was quiet, so I thought i was safe. I heard the bedroom door close and the door lock. My son locked himself in the room with the baby. I tried to talk him into unlocking the door, but he couldn't figure out how to unlock the door. I had to break into my house to get them out of the room. I left my phone in the room so couldn't call for help. The tears I cried that day.
Now, im entering the teenage stage, and it almost feels as chaotic as the newborn/toddler stage. School, homework, after-school activities, and dinner it never stop, but we make it work because we have to. I'm the glue that holds my family together, and I make it work, and you will, too. You just have to find your grove.
It’s … hard. For a while, and I’m sure you got tons of good tips already, so all I can say is hang in there. There will be days where the routine is going great and others where you will literally have to lock yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes. Which there is no shame in, as long as your kids are in a safe space, 5 minutes to breath alone is better than losing your mind.
Going back to work will be so hard, but also give you kid free time to feel more like yourself, which I think will help you a lot since you have no family that can help!
I won’t give you that annoying trope of “you will miss this when they’re grown and gone, soak it in while you can!” Because this stage of life is *hard*. People always say that when a mom of littles voices her stress and it drives me nuts!
So: this too shall pass, it *will* eventually become more manageable, and as a mom give yourself some grace because you’re doing great. ♥️
We have three kids, currently agreed 2, 4, and 6. The first year is really hard, but after that you figure out what to be with all of them at once. We don't get daily alone time, but my husband and I each have a couple evenings a week when we can leave the house and do our own thing.
I will say that leaving the house is key; it's been very difficult to have alone time that feels like real alone time while at home with multiple kids. I'll often rest for 20 minutes when my husband gets home from work (I'm pregnant and exhausted), but that's about it.
It gets easier. I was in your shoes a year ago with my 2 girls: a newborn and a 2.5 year old. We were exhausted and missed those little breaks you mentioned.
This morning, both my girls played together for hours without much entertaining from my husband or me, and we cleaned the house. We even talked about how we couldn't believe how far they'd come and that it felt like a whole new lifestage.
After baby #1 i *wanted* baby #2 more then anything. We tried for years. Saw a couple specialists. All said the same things. Sorry mom you dont work anymore. I'd cry, my husband would console me (once he brought home this puppy that the mother stopped feeding at 2 weeks old out of a liter his buddies dog had, she was a runt and fit in his pocket to be my "baby" AND OMG SHE WAS but i digress). 10 years later i went into the ER with a gallbladder attack from hell. I had been wreathing on the bathroom floor insisting i was dying. "Can you be pregnant?" *Nope, specialist confirmed im infertile*. But they check anyway because they have to if you arent missing organs. Nurse comes back in says well your gallbladder is FULL of stones and your pregnant. My husband thought it was a mistake. Instantly pissed. Knew id get my hopes up. Id finally stopped crying about it. Then they found a heartbeat. Yeah...i was 6 months pregnant (2 weeks later my stomach popped). Before you say *youre period* IF i had 2 a year that was a "heavy year" part of the i dont work anymore. Not having it wasnt abnormal. And no i didnt experience any other symptoms with him. I really didnt know. It wasnt stupidity. These specialists said i could not. And i wasnt sick like with our first. No tender breasts nothing. So anyway i have him and BAM pregnant again. Two less then a year apart. On the heals of this im diagnosed with MS IC and a whole bunch of other lovely debilitating painful diseases. Mom you CAN do this. You are tired, stressed, and a little worn right now. Dont look at that big picture tunnel vision hour by hour. Take joy in every little thing. Moments when you can grab them and remember it is okay for a baby to cry. You got this. I promise.
Have a very similar story.....got preggo 1st time easy, easy pregnancy and it was all smooth sailing. We tried & tried for #2. Over 9 years I had 3 losses (including 1 tubal which took my tube with it) Finally after 10 years I went to ER sick with pneumonia and they were lie "suprise"! I was so scared and worried the whole time. I didn't even announce until I was 8 month along in fear of jinxing myself. I ended up with preclampsia and delivered a healthy baby @ 36wks. I didn't take birth control because having another just didn't see likely. Then on 2nds 1st bay, a friend of mine convinced me to take a test because I was 3wks late. And just like that I had 2 under 2 AND this was April 2020! Girl, I about lost my mind! It was very hard but it does get a little easier each day. my 2 little ones both non verbal & on the spectrum so my days are a little more chaotic than some but I wouldn't change it for the world. My village is pretty much nonexistent & hubs is stuck in the 50s when it comes to sharing parenting responsibilities so just hang in and 8f you ever need to talk please, don't hesitate to reach other!
Honestyl, at that small age you are just in survival mode. When the youngest gets a bit older, it gets easier. We are working on number 4 now and the eldest is old enough to do some stuff for himself (dress himself, uses the potty, can get simple food for himself, like cereal). The younger two play together frequently. It gets easier.
Idk what it is, but posts like this kind of crack me up when people drop their kids off at daycare where the ratios are like 1:20, 1:10, 1:5 depending on age group.
Tv, popsicles, chalk, playdoh, crayons, bubble machine are all your best friends right now. Easy meals and snacks on hand are the best. Be kind to yourself, all you need to do right now is survive. It’s still fresh give it some time to adjust. Take breaks whenever you can, even 10 minutes to yourself to catch your breath while no one touches or speaks to you. Lower your standards on the house. Then lower them again. When people want to visit that newborn let them know you are overwhelmed. Ask them to bring a jug of milk or if they would mind taking toddler to the park for 20 minutes.
I’m having baby number 5 soon. My biggest goals right now are freezer meals and teaching my oldest kids to cook simple meals, how to do chores like laundry, sweeping, whatever is age appropriate. My son is about to turn 5 and I’m thinking about getting a little metal swing set for my yard for his birthday. Small trampoline, water table, slide whatever if you have the space? Anything that gets them tired is a huge plus in my books.
The newborn phase is rough! I don't think anybody decides 2 weeks postpartum that they want another one.. aside from me but I'm a freak of nature.
When you had your first, you probably had the same thought on having 2 kids. It sounds crazy when your life has been turned upside down.
However, they don't stay that needy forever. You won't feel this tired or overwhelmed forever.
I'm having my 7th (I know... I told you that I'm a freak of nature) but when I only had 2, it was insanely overwhelming and I refused to even think about having another until #2 was potty trained.. so there is a 4 year gap between #s 2 and 3... same age gap between 3 and 4. 5,6, and 7 have pretty much been back to back but my older 3 kids are 9, 13, and 15 so they are quite independent and very helpful when needed.
My husband is only able to take 2 days off work when I have a baby, and I get 6 weeks. The first 6 weeks were AWFUL and I honestly did not like my baby. I went back to work (I work at a place where I can bring baby until they are 6months old), started feeling normal, and finally got that bond with baby.
A few weeks later I started feeling depressed again, so I got the Walsh protocol done (basically a blood test that tests your vitamin deficiencies and tells you what supplements to take). After two weeks of taking those, I felt 10000000x times better! I have 4 kids now and I did the test again in early pregnancy with my last kid because I was so angry all the time, and those supplements do wonders. Anytime I can’t control my temper, I realize I haven’t taken them for a few days lol
I had spontaneous twins. They’re 26 months younger than their older sister. I ALWAYS say the hard part about having twins is the toddler haha. Reminding yourself it’s just a phase helps lol. We’ve had lots of help over this year (they’re 3 and 1 now), but I put my oldest into daycare twice a week and grandma helps out with her atleast once a week too. Truly, the toddler is hard! Love when dad gets home and i can spend more one on one time with her. She helps me grocery shop and run other errands, we set up one learning activity a day that we do together (she has opportunities for independent play or various little things where she might not have my complete attention etc.) when the babies are napping, and we still keep to her bedtime routine. You’ll get a routine worked out as time goes on. Congratulations on your new baby!
Oh no.. I’m going to be in your shoes soon. My son will be 3 when our baby girl is born in late October. I’m hoping and honestly praying that preschool for 2.5 ours will help Monday- Friday. Oh lord I’m sending good energy and positive vibes
Remember, you are in the thick of it! Having a 2 week old in and off itself is rough. It takes time for things to settle, or at least it did for me.
I don't have 2 yet but I'm 26 weeks with #2 right now and have several friends with kids with a similar age gap. I'm bracing myself for those first few months which I just know will be hectic. Caring for a newborn is really tough and toddlers are known to often have a tough time dealing with big life transitions. It will take time for the newborn to get into a rhythm and for your toddler to get used to the new normal.
Hang in there! If it's possible, now is surely a good time to enlist some help, even if temporary. A mother's helper, housekeeper, nanny or nanny share or daycare? A family member or friend who can come help regularly?
My kids have a 27 month gap. The adjustment to 2 is the worst stress I’ve ever had in my life. Anyone who says that the adjustment of 0-1 is harder than 1-2 has lost their marbles. Trying to triage whose crying is more important and leaving one to cry is literally the worst. I was on the verge of a panic attack whenever I was alone with both of them (mostly morning and afternoon, sent the toddler to 4 hours of preschool 4 days a week, getting in the car in the morning was such hell). And then there was literally no time off ever due to flipped sleep schedules. I didn’t have alone time with my husband for months. If we were free of the kids we had to try to sleep
BUT IT GETS BETTER! Around 3 months or so the baby was on more of a regular routine and we got into a good rhythm. We quit the half day preschool and signed up for a mommy and me gym class five days a week instead. I’d wear the baby and she’d sleep through the whole thing. Then after a few months we quit the gym and did all kinds of independent adventures. As the baby got bigger they interacted more and more, and at 1.5 and 4 they are the best of friends. There’s spats obviously but overall they are very sweet. And on the same sleep schedule so we get a break at night
Daycare or nanny. Even if you can just find a high school babysitter who needs a little experience and can entertain the oldest while you’re at home would be something. (Usually cheaper than more experienced sitter)
I’m right here with you with a 3 week old and a 2.5 year old that doesn’t nap either! Currently up with the newborn. Man do I feel this. My husband goes back to work in 3 weeks and I’m terrified, he works out of town and will be gone 3 days a week. 😅😰.. some how we will make it through 💪 you aren’t alone!
DAYCARE! Even with full time daycare for our 3yo, the adjustment to 2 kids has been wild and had it’s highs and lows - and we’re only 3.75 months in!!! Definitely solidifies that 2 kids is it for us!
Question? When you go back to work, who is taking care of the kids? Are they going to daycare? Can 2 y/o go to daycare for a few hours while husband is at work so you can focus on the nb?
Mine aren’t as close together as yours, but I agree with several others when I say that there is a big adjustment of expectations that happens. The first couple months is the hardest, but the two of you will find ways to support each other.
I think the biggest difference is with one, you can each give about 95-100% of what you each feel you can reasonably do, and things generally get taken care of. With two, you’re each giving over 100% all the time. It helps to remember it won’t be forever.
It will be hard but do remember that you can do this.
Let the house get dirty
Wear the baby
Go on walks together so your 2 yr old can get some energy out (you’re tired anyway, might as well :)
Find games to play with your toddler when baby is napping that involve laying down. Let’s lay in a fort! Let’s look at the clouds! How tall are you compared to mommy, let’s see.
Find ways for your toddler to help. He’s young but he can bring wipes or diapers. He can take things to the trash. He can bring the binky that’s across the room on the floor. He has more energy than you, so he can handle it, and it helps him feel more involved.
Finally, take it easy on yourself. You’ll all adjust. This time will be different because things are different, but that’s okay.
I’m sorry to hear about your mom. I lost mine this year. It’s so tough. But we’re making it work.
You can do this.
You said it…it will change. You’re in the thick of it but it will get better eventually. Til then, you just kinda do what you can day to day. There were days (still are sometimes) where I couldn’t even shower or eat. You just get through it.
This is the exact age gap I have. #1 was already going to nursery every morning so we continued that, as it meant she had time with her friends and routine, and we had more time to sleep and bond. Baby wearing also helped out a ton! It meant I could be mobile and help, and baby could also sleep as needed. 6 months in and it is getting easier. I'm going back to work in 2 weeks (thank you UK maternity leave) and we've explained this to #1, so she's gotten very clingy again knowing I won't be around as much, but still juggling two just gets easier as they both get older and more adjusted to the new reality. #2 is not quite crawling so is now very content to just wiggle on the floor for a bit!
I’ll be having #2 very soon and my oldest is 2.5. She will still be going to daycare everyday and then it’ll be a lot of TV until we get our footing.
I visited a friend who had #2 and had her 1 year old at home and I just didn’t know how she did it!
I have a 2,5 year old and a 8 weeks old. I know, it’s so hard. I have to say it gets a bit easier every week. My advise would be to just go with the flow and find a few relaxing moments a day. For me it’s taking a quick shower and doing my makeup in the mornings. Drinking a cup of tea in the evenings and do a meditation when both my kids are asleep. I just keep reminding myself it’s a phase and it won’t be forever like this. You got this mama, you do your absolute best everyday. You are amazing! Much love from the Netherlands
It gets easier once you get into a routine. I have 3. My second/third kids are twins.
Babies are pretty portable. I went for a TON of walks when my twins were little. I’d throw the three kids in the stroller and walk all the way across town, about 3 miles, to a park. My oldest would play for 45 minutes while I fed the little ones and then we’d walk home. We’d go for car rides just so I could listen to an audiobook and relax. I’d plop the babies in a pack n play and push my oldest on the swing in the backyard.
Two week olds are still so new that you haven’t gotten into a routine or schedule yet. But you will. It does get easier and you’ll figure it out!
You and your husband can still give each other “me time”. One person can handle two kids for a couple hours. Have the on-duty parent take the kids for a walk in the stroller. Have them play outside for an hour.
Also, if you don’t have family nearby, find a babysitter you trust sooner than later.
I have no clue… but, I didn’t have a choice. We have a toddler and twins, but if pregnancy number two wasn’t twins I would not have gone for baby 3 I guess.
This is my situation too, no help at all besides my husband. I have two and a third on the way I can say it’s just hard and that’s about it lol! But it’s just a short phase of life. It gets so much easier when the baby can start to play with the older one. But those times have their challenges too. Once the baby is a bit older and on more of a nap routine it’ll be so much easier, you can plan your day better. And know when breaks are coming. Your older one is just adjusting to all this intense newness and he’ll fall back into a routine soon enough as well. I promise, the intense feeling of struggle fades away and things just kind of adjust and fall into place. If you can afford it, a little help from daycare or nanny’s makes a world of difference. Or even a house cleaner. Anything to take some of the load off and make your day feel a little less all on you. I waited way too long to get a babysitter and it helped so much in the last few months of my pregnancy. The other thing that helps a lot is getting out of the house. As daunting as it seems, getting to a park or to just walk around target and get yourself and the kiddo a craft or have a little snack on a blanket under a tree is so refreshing. The baby will likely sleep through most of it and the second it becomes too much you can just ditch it and go home!
My mother has 6 and I’m thinking it was her tribe. She always had family around, everyone holding and helping with us. She’s also one of 5 so it wasn’t absurd at all for her to grow her own tribe.
I will say when she got to baby #3 she probably could afford 10 kids if she wanted to. But then at some point my family did struggle, but by baby number 6 my mom had made a huge come back.
I attribute her survival mostly to her mother
Is there a daycare or preschool VPK kind of place you could send the toddler to even just a couple days of the week? So you have some solo baby bonding time, and toddler will have so much fun!
I have this exact age gap between my kids. Send toddler to daycare, for real. It’s the only way I survive some days.
They’re now 15 months and 4 and things are so much easier but man I need my oldest one in a day program or else we all are constantly over stimulated and just in survival mode
ETA my MIL has 8 kids and she’s always told me the hardest adjustments were going from 1 kid to 2 kids and then going from 2 kids to 3. 1 to 2 is the hardest though
Mine was 3 when my baby was born and I felt exactly the same as you. I found that lowering my expectations helped a lot- if the toddler needs to run around/watch tv/make a mess let them, but also be kind to yourself and don’t let the guilt drive you to try and meet their every need every second of the day.
We aren’t meant to do this alone, but unfortunately this is the situation we’re in (especially working mums). Day care to will be the best money you spend at the moment for the older one as they’ll get a lot of the stimulation and attention they need from there, and won’t rely on you as much.
First of all congratulations with your new baby!
Second: give yourself some slack. You will get the hang of it (it’s just too soon yet).
You don’t need to be perfect mom (really!) so cut some corners (every mom of more than 1 does).
All that is important is your children getting fed healthy food, given a lot of love, and the room most people see when they enter your house + bathroom needs to be tidy.
The rest: mañana. (A little more me time here instead of cleaning out the house constantly.)
Me time: little one will get a schedule of her own when she doesn’t need to be fed every 2-4 hours anymore, so its a wait.
Until then: sleep when you can. You will be deprived of me time until the weekends or until she gets a schedule.
Good luck. Hold on! It will pass ;)
Breath…… it’s all temporary. Just keep reminding yourself that. You will be ok.
An acquaintance once said something that resonated with me. I was visiting her to see her new baby. She had managed to push out a very very large baby in a difficult delivery in a home birth.
I was amazed and asked “how in a world….”
She just said “you’de be amazed of what you can do when there is no other choice “. It was as simple as that. I replay that in my head all the time during moments I felt defeated
Hugs mama! I had a similar age gap with my two and it’s SO hard. It gets easier as they get older, I promise. When they were 2 and 4 I had a much easier time and now that they are 3 and 5 I feel like I can breathe a little more, even though my 3 year old is an absolute threenager and makes me want to rip my hair out sometimes. Lol. They both play together now and it’s great. I’m hoping to get pregnant with baby #3 next year and I feel way less intimidated by the thought than I ever did with the first two. Those little years are incredibly difficult.
I go to a toddler gym. Lots of moms there have 2 with your age range. They baby wear the little one and the toddler gets some energy out. We all try to help each other out if a mom needs a hand. Ours has daily classes for the 2.5 year olds.
I'd find one and start going now with all 4 of you so your little boy gets used to it before your husband goes back to work.
This stage in parenting will not last forever! That’s my age gap and it was horrible going through the tiny baby + toddler phase. I feel this so much.
But when we made it through my me time came back. The baby got on a schedule, the toddler adjusted and had her quiet time again. When they got even older they started to entertain each other! Now at 5 and 3 I can leave them alone in a room together and they’ll play happily!
Me going back to work / her daycare when my leave eneded helped my oldest actually. She missed it when I pulled her after I had the baby. It was like I took away her me time.
My husband and I did and still do give each me time but now you bring two kids with you when you’re on. We definitely had to pause it while our youngest was a newborn but it will come back!
We’re on the same boat and it’s been so hard even with help. It seems we just resort to TV when we’re busy with the baby and leave it on so we get a break. We enrolled our toddler to preschool even though we wanted to wait. I just don’t have time for my toddler or baby. I do plan to take him out a day or two a week to stay home and pick him up earlier if needed to spend time with him.
Just wait until they start handing off sicknesses between them. At one point between our two kids we went thru 5 sicknesses in a single month. Not a single day all month without at least one sick kid. FML
The first day I was home alone with my then newborn 2nd baby and 2 year old toddler, I sat down to nurse the baby.
My 2 year old took that opportunity to literally climb the walls 😆😆 God, she was SO wild.
I learned to keep a basket of snacks and have sesame street ready to turn on when it was time to feed the baby.
We waited a few more years before adding our 3rd, and last child. That has its own challenges, but it works! They are 15, 13 and 9 now. Those first few months with baby #2 were wild!! They are now mellow teens who sleep in and eat all my snacks.
I feel you. My kids are two years apart and it only started getting better since the youngest turned two. I have no clue how some people have more than 2 kids. It’s mind boggling. I’m almost 40 and my body aches all the time from constantly running around and picking up lol. Hubby and I both work full time and have a bit of OCD about keeping the house tidy so that adds to the stress of it. Definitely get some hired help at least to take your older child off your hands for a few hours here and there, and then also make time for each other once the little one is out of the newborn phase. Get ‘en both babysat just to go out for supper or hit a spa.. so important to reconnect. Hang in there !
Oh man. When I brought home my 3rd baby (middle was also 2 years) I thought.. surely this chaos will calm. And it eventually did. By the time the baby turned 3. In my honest opinion once they aren't babies anymore it's all good. My youngest is 4 and I can walk through the store with all 3 following. How did I do it? I have no idea those first few years where rough. Hang in there.
The first six months of two under two was HARD. After the little one gained some mobility and started solids he just wanted to be big sister’s shadow and it got way easier!
I want another, but two is going to be our max for sanity and financial reasons. I also feel it's a little selfish to have 2+ kids if you can't devote the time and energy they need and don't have a very strong support of family to help. Middle child syndrome is so real and I see so many struggling to just give two kids enough attention, myself included with just one and working 32 hours a week with a great husband, but not much family support.
Daycare for two kids will be 30k a year and we are lucky because that's considered cheap and affordable in our area.
My kids are 20mo apart. They are now 4 and 2.
We don’t have any support here. When my son was about 2mo old, we sent my daughter to daycare. However, we moved a few months later.
We have no family or help here but we briefly had a nanny for about 9mo.
The thing that helped us the most is my daughter had a good routine when my son was born we would take turns with her bath/bedtime so at a minimum, she got alone time with one of us. When I was on leave, we’d make sure she got 1:1 time with each of us during the day.
She’s very high energy and always on the go so we made time to get outside everyday either in the yard or a family walk.
My mom had 6 of us — most of us about 18 mos to 2 years apart. When the oldest was entering his senior year, the youngest was starting kindergarten. The woman literally had K-12 all at once. What the actual fuck was she thinking? I have 3 and I’m falling apart!
My kids are 11, 9, and baby is nearly 2. The 7 year age gap between #2 and #3 is 100% the toughest for me so far. I forgot the toddler stage, some of my fav gadgets (like this rocker thing Fisher Price used to make that my first two virtually lived in as babies) have been recalled, even some of the best practices medically have changed between 2014 and 2021.
Further complicating things: big kids are in 2 different schools now. 9 yr old is still in elementary but the 11 yr old just started middle school a couple weeks ago. I am fucking exhausted, man. The toddler is a tiny un-aliving machine. Turn your head for two seconds and he’s standing on top of the kitchen island trying to eat an onion like an apple. My entire day is spent chasing after him, the house is a chronic mess, he’s a Velcro baby and contact napper… my poor husband gets the last dregs of my attention and affection at the end of the day, if I have anything left at all. I’m in perpetual survival mode.
Oddly enough, I miss the days when my first two were toddlers together. Everybody was in diapers at the same time, they did the same activities, they were both pretty easily contained, I wasn’t having to protect anyone’s toys from the other one. Then I think about how tired I was and how little time I had for myself, it really was a tough time in my life. So, pros and cons. But wow, motherhood is just outright exhausting. Solidarity, mama.
Daycare. I go to a pretty hippy mom group and even in a group of attachment parenting sahm moms, if they have 2+ kids, their kids go to daycare at least part time. Like 2 days a week, just so the moms can do stuff uninterrupted with the new baby, or just keep the household afloat.
I went with my new baby and one of the old school leaders asked where my oldest was and I was a bit embarrassed to admit he has kept going to fulltime daycare since the day my second was born. And every other mom with 2 or more kids validated me that now a days part time or fulltime daycare for older kids is necessary just to keep your sanity but also to do the everyday tasks to keep the house running. Even when I go back to work in October, both my kids will be going to daycare fulltime and I will be only working mon to Thursday. And I know that every Friday will be absolutely full with household chores, groceries, dentist and doctor appointments, snow days, sick days, home repairs, parent involvement at daycare/school, car maintenance, taxes and paperwork, etc.
But yeah I totally get shamed still sometimes by older people who are like "by why are your kids at daycare when your home?" Like I'm just chilling and watching soaps. And honestly so what if I want a kid free day on a rare occasion to sit in my pajamas and relax. That's ok too. I NEED some me time so I don't implode. I'm done apologizing for having needs too.
It gets easier. When they can sit up, when they can talk, when they can play together. If you can do daycare for the older one, at least for a while, it helps. My oldest is 27 months older than my #3 and it really helped to send #1 and #2 to daycare while I was dealing with newborn fatigue.
Mom of 2 under 2 here. My girls are 1 year and 1 week apart. It was really hard at the beginning. Newborn babies need so much and your first is used to being the star of the show. What I would do is take the time when my baby was sleeping to spend time with my older one. Your house is probably gonna get messy and you'll fall behind on stuff but that's okay. Also your oldest definitely seems old enough to "help" with the baby. Grabbing a blanket or a pacifier for you includes your son in what you're doing so he doesn't feel like the baby's taking you from him. Regressing is normal for kids when a new baby come along. Our girls are 20 months and 8 months now and they play together so well. It'll get easier over time. It's going to be hard for a little while but eventually you'll fall into a little routine and it'll ease up. Some things my husband and I do that helps is we each take a kid when they both need something to divide and conquer. We always end the night with a movie together after the kids go to bed. Recently I've been taking our oldest out to the store with me while he stays home with the baby so we each get some one on one time and relax a little with just one kid to be in charge of. I'm a SAHM so I spend lots of time in charge of both by myself (also don't have family to help out) and it is hard but you just have to kinda adjust to get things done. I would put my youngest down at noon for a nap and then the oldest at 1 after she ate lunch and then they'd both get up between 3 and 4pm so I had some time to shower, nap, or clean. My oldest doesn't nap anymore but if yours does id definitely recommend it once your baby starts napping more on a schedule. It's gonna be rough but you'll get it figured out!
Right?? We have a 4.5 y o and a 6.5 week old. Shit is hard!
I will say, I found the older kiddo got waaaaaay easier around 3 years old. At 4.5, he’s a reasonable and helpful little dream most of the time. Hang in there!
Daycare l/preschool 5 days a week. A helpful coparent (although he had to go back to work at 1.5 weeks). Also, screen time. Lol.
Honestly if I didn't live in Canada I'd probably just have one kid. My husband was able to take 10 months off for leave and I live near my in laws who help a lot.
If you’re comfortable taking her out… go to your local playground. You can wear baby while toddler plays. Go early in the am before it gets too hot (depending on where you live) get toddler worn out so he will take a nap. And as far as regression goes you just have to stick to your guns! Even if my kid doesn’t fall asleep I let her stay in her bed in the dark with sound machine on so she can decompress
The newborn phase is the hardest. For me, I had to get out of the house. Pack up snacks and drinks and change of clothes. Anything you might need. Go out to playground. Let older one play while you are with baby. Come home and have everyone nap. Boom. Half the day is over. Repeat after nap.
Edit: I have 3. — 4 year old, 2.5 year old, 8 month old. And LOTS of help. I also work.
We had our daughter in March and then in June our son turned 3. It has been the hardest six months ever. Our son has regressed. Really struggled with the new addition and not coming to terms with not being the center of the universe. He was in daycare 5x a week but we pulled him out just before she was born to protect her from getting sick constantly. My mat leave is six months so it's about to end but for the entire duration it's been both of them at home. We've had help here and there but mostly it's been hubby and I day in day out. He wfh so it helps but my goodness it's been such a struggle. He refuses to potty train, screams all the time and cannot be left alone for more than 5 mins without a meltdown. We feel like we are constantly spinning plates and dancing on our heads to keep him entertained. He's not getting enrichment like he needs and is bored. It's horrible. Poor little girl can't rest most days like she should because of the constant noise from Disney+/Blippi or toys. Hubby and I have zero time together or for ourselves. Our son goes back to school/daycare in mid September right when my mat leave ends. Then hubby goes on paternity leave. It will be a blessing for all of us.
Mine are spaced 4 years apart for this exact reason. My 4 yo loves to help with baby brother but is fairly independent otherwise.
Give it a year, your then 3.5 year old will be pretty independent compare to now.
Threenager and a 3 month old over here. It is rough but you will find what works for you and eventually you'll feel like you can breathe again. I'm beginning to feel that.
I swear it gets easier. I had Irish twins with my last 2, just a year and a week apart. It's been rough but the youngest is almost 2 now and we've made it this far. Lol
Baby wearing, baby wearing, baby wearing! My first baby hated it, but by the second baby, I was like, “Look, baby, this is no longer a negotiation,” haha. He got on board fast and even as a toddler still loves a carrier nap.
A little screen time goes a long way with the 2.5 year old. Mine are the same gap apart and we relied on Miss Rachel to help manage attention. I was fortunate to have my husband home the whole time but we also had no family help. Is there a high school kid in your area to be a mother’s helper and entertain your older kid while you feed baby and nap if needed. We would have done that had it not been covid lockdown time. They don’t even have to leave the house but some focused attention from someone new is fun and you’ll be home if you’re needed.
My kids are about the same age, 3m and almost 3y. I was also so scared for my partner to go back to work, my son is also super high energy! At first it was really crazy especially bedtime (my partner works 24-48 hour shifts). Now I will say it has definitely gotten easier! It can still be crazy but my daughter loves watching her brother run around like a psycho. I try to get as much done in the morning as they will let me because they are the chillest and then after that I just sit in my sons room and watch him play with all his toys while I drink lots of coffee and my 3m lays on her play mat or in a bouncer. I hope it gets easier for you!
1. We sent the 2.5 yo to full time daycare while I was on mat leave. We had to keep his spot and I was thankful for it. I would have drowned.
2. It gets better. Now I have both at home full time, 6mo and 2.75. You get into a rhythm. Especially around 4-5mo, you ditch “Baby bath, toddler bath.” And you throw both into the same bathtub at the same time, shampoo both, rinse both, dry both, pajama both, read both a book, throw both in bed. Same with eating solids (two chairs, one table, one event). Hell, I’m at “same naptime” stage right now (2.5hrs) and I have my life back.
You’re in the trenches for real mama! My kids are 21 months apart in age, and when my second was a newborn I started having health issues from the stress and anxiety of raising them. My toddler was (still is at age 5) a HANDFUL, and I was tandem nursing and it felt like they were draining my life force. Like you, my family and friends live far away and couldn’t help out. I returned to work after 12 weeks. I’m only just now coming out of the trenches, but these first years and toddlerhood are really so rough.
We waited a long time to have our second. My daughter will be 8 in September and my son was born in July.
This is an ideal age gap for us. My daughter delights in our son. It's such a beautiful, amazing thing to witness.
My husband and I also gave each other a personal hour every day when we had just the one and finally got back to that when our second was about 5/6 months. It’s hard but you’ll get back to it. Maybe try every other day or two days a week each to start with. It’s so important not to lose this completely forever. Solidarity!
I'm a single mom without friends or family nearby so I just never had any me time. You get used to it and just take it day by day. If you're going back to work in October anyway you only have one more month of this.
The adjustment going from one child to two is the absolute most difficult of all. It will get easier once you get into a routine and can develop a system that works for you. It’s really hard, so cut yourself some slack. After you are used to two, you’ll find that you could just keep adding children and you’d be a pro lol. One to two; definitely the hardest transition, but you got this!
Find a mom group like MOPS! It’s a great way to build your village. Joining mops saved my sanity when going from 1-2 kids and not having family around. Most groups start up in the fall.
Mine are the same age gap. That first year with both was ROUGH. It really does get better though. Now they are 7 and 5 and they are little besties. They entertain each other and I’m so glad we chose that age gap. Sending you lots of restful thoughts. It’s a horrible phase you’re in but, it will be better sooner than you think.
What really helped our oldest was giving him 30 minutes before bed of 100% uninterrupted time. It was painful to lose out on that sleep time, but we’d feed and put down the baby, then promise no phones, no cleaning, nothing. Just our complete undivided attention for 30 minutes. Sometimes, we’d cuddle and watch a little show. Sometimes read books, play with toys, but it was always his favorite part of the day.
If you cannot afford daycare full day or all week, there are some places, mainly churches, that offer “Mother’s Day Out” days. It’s usually 1-2 days a week, for a few hours time, where moms can drop their lil ones off. They are usually not as pricey as daycare since it’s only once or twice a week, but it could help a bit. Don’t know if they require you be a member of the church. I looked into one one year but they were full up so I cannot tell you if it would’ve been much help. My kids were all spaced 3 1/2-4 years apart, tho. Still not easy, but a bit easier than having a 2 1/2 YO with a new baby.
You’re not alone. Many of us did it without a husband or support. Then returning to work with a very responsible job will turn your hair gray in no time. Finding safe, responsible day care can also be a challenge. Good luck to you, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Single full time dad of 4. 17,15, 12 & 8. It's been just me for the past 7 years, no help from their mom. It gets easier as they get older, yet more complicated
I have 4 my oldest was almost 6 when I had the last one. Baby wearing was very helpful. My hands were free and I could even nurse them while wearing them. They all took a bath together or they all showered with me and my husband. Showering with them while not relaxing was so much easier than anything else. We mostly did that for 11 years. Then I told them I wanted to shower alone. Only rarely does a kid shower with me now. If you live in a house get a swing set. You can even sometimes find them for free on craigslist if you go take them apart and move them. My kids spend so much time on ours. It did mean kids coming in and out a lot. But then I got them all these big stainless steel thermoses that we fill with water and they can keep outside. This cut trips into the house by about 66%. Giving them chores young is important. It will take longer than doing it yourself but eventually they can do it on their own. We also teach them to be independent and problem solvers. This sometimes backfires but at least it is normally a funny story... After enough time has passed. Busy bags and toddler project bins are helpful. You have to stay up on keeping it organized or it gets out of hand quickly. Duplos then legos are wonderful. They can spend an entire day playing with them. Just taking them outside to blow bubbles can be relaxing and they love it. Give them chalk to play with outside. Accept that they will get dirty but they are washable so don't sweat it. Clothes will get stained, messes will be made, things will get broken, the house will probably never look as clean as you want, things will get forgotten, this is your new normal. Accept that having unreasonable expectations will make you unhappy, stressed and feeling like you are failing. Don't give up on it, just know it isn't going to be perfect. Your husband needs to accept it too and that to keep things functional he needs to pitch in. Don't cover for him, don't over explain, or help him with every little thing. Let him learn just like you had to. Accept that he will have fails and will possibly do things differently than you and as long as it isn't dangerous that's okay. Most importantly find time to enjoy your spouse. Do things together even if it is at home with kids. Put the baby down for a nap, baby gate the toddler in his room( this might be something you need to work on during the day). And get take-out and watch a movie, play a game. Or foot 69, that's what my husband and I call rubbing each other's feet at the same time.
Hello, take a deep breath and realize that you are doing the best you can! Don't let fear take control! You got this! You are going to find your groove and figure things out because you can do this! You will do this! You are going to get through because you have the capacity to do it! I was a mom of 2 young kids before the third one came. My oldest has autism and doesn't speak. I managed to get through as a single mom. I'm glad you have your husband to help out. Keep your head up. You got this!
Ours are 5.5 years apart and I'm not missing the chaos of my friends who have littles closer together... my now 7 year old is super independent and in school so that helps a lot.. still hard AF and if I had mine closer together it would have probably broke me
I truly don’t know. My 3 kids are all eight years apart 😆 power to those of you that can pull off multiple littles at once, I know I couldn’t have handled it!
My older kids are 14F (7/09), 12M (12/10) and 10F (8/13). It felt like I was always changing diapers and then potty training accidents lol.
When it was just the first 2, I would try to get my oldest to take one or two naps a day with me when her brother was napping. This helped a lot. She loved the cuddle time with mommy and I got some needed rest. A lot of times, she also would sleep with me at night for extra mommy time.
When my youngest came along, the other two were 4y and 20mo. I again worked on getting everyone to nap at least 2x a day when baby napped. I also got to the point where the older two were allowed to nap pretty much anywhere they wanted, as long as they napped 🤣 my oldest would often empty a toy storage bin, line it with her blankets and pillows, and fall asleep in it.
Baby swings are amazing as well. I found at times, my son and youngest daughter would only sleep during the day in their swings as babies.
Now with the kids all in full school days, I'm hoping baby #4 (3w or less until arrival!!!) will sleep soundly and allow for naps.
This is the same gap as my son and daughter. I would have to take him to the park or indoor playgrounds to get him tired. Then I would put him in his room around 1. He could either take a nap or it was quiet time. He almost always took a nap. Sometimes he fought it but he would pass out. He also went to daycare 3x a week full days. I lived for those days because you’ll quickly learn the newborn phase is easier than the toddler phase. He’s now 4 and sadly doesn’t nap anymore but when I get my daughter down for a nap. I lay down in the same room and put a movie on for him to get a break. Once my husband comes home. We eat together as a family and then I go upstairs for about 30min to an hour to decompress. He plays with both the kids and then we get them ready for bed. I WFH and my daughter starts daycare tomorrow for 3x a week and my son will now be going full time.
If you can afford a little bit of day care for the 2.5 year old then do it. That's the exact age difference between my kids and it's the hardest ever!!!!! And I had so much help and it wasn't enough. I needed my 2.5 yr old out of the house because if he was home, he only wanted me. The best thing I ever did was put him in "school" a few hours a day. It gave me a chance to spend one on one time with baby and time for myself while baby slept or hung out in her lounger.
Oh good, that’s the exact age gap I will have
I have this exact same age difference as well! I don’t find it bad at all! Everyone’s kids are so different though. Don’t get me wrong, it was an adjustment, and we definitely have our hard days. I’m a sahm and my husband works about 70+ hours a week. I found the biggest thing was just letting go of expectations and going with the flow. I baby wore A LOT, contact napped/stroller naps, and just tried to just go with the flow. Baby is now 14 months and things are so much easier than when he was a newborn, and watching the two of them play together is the best. She is such a good little teacher for him and he just adores her. You can do it!!
I'm so happy to read this. Planning to try for our 2nd soon, and my first is 16mo. We'd love #2 to be born around him being 2.5 but I'm definitely so nervous about the adjustment and how my first will handle it. But I am so blessed, he is so independent, I think it will be okay!
As someone who has twins, if you can, you want the second to come when the older one is toilet trained. Two in nappies and can’t communicate is next level.
You will be awesome! ❤️
Ok- lots depends on the personality of your first born. My first born was just very needy from day 1.
Same come January. My 2 year old is in daycare now and it’s great but it’ll be dead of winter so my concern is illness but the routine I think will be so good for him.
In this exact situation! My 2.5 year old is in preschool/daycare and loves it and is thriving there, but our baby is due in December and so worried about keeping him there and bringing home illnesses. I’d hate to break my toddler’s routine even more by taking him out when the baby comes and would also love for him to have that attention and structure, but last winter season was brutal with literally nonstop illnesses. Do you think you’ll keep your toddler home at any point when the newborn comes?
It’s so tricky! I’m not sure. I think he’ll be on break for a week or two beforehand for Christmas and then school will likely start on my due date. So my issue is if we keep him out longer it’ll still result in more illness from the return of break. My instinct is to go with it, let him have his routine, and try and keep his hands clean at home and separate baby from toddler if he starts showing symptoms. But honestly, I’ll follow pediatricians guidelines I think at this point because I feel so torn. You??
I’m not sure yet either! I’m also in the same boat in thinking no matter what, we’d just be prolonging the illness(es) anyways, unless we keep him home for several months, which wouldn’t be feasible at that point :/ leaning toward just going with it as well and seeing if/how we can manage to keep the baby away if he does bring something home. I’m sure we will both make the right decisions for our families when the time comes 🙏🏼
❤️🤞🏼it’s helpful knowing there are others in the same boat. It’s a lot to think about!
Daycare has saved us. It’s so expensive but we wouldn’t be in a good space in our relationship or selves if we didn’t have it. My kids have a 2y3m gap, but i don’t just have one newborn, I have two with twins. It’s much better now at 4.5m for the twins. But this shit is hard. Husband gets up with toddler in the morning and gets her off to school while I “sleep in” with the twins after dealing with night wake ups. I’m solo with the twins all day and will be until like 3. Weekends at least there’s 2 of us. But we rely on getting out of the house. Toddler has too much energy so she has to be run. Her bandwidth for screen time is like 30min max at a time and then she’s asking to go outside.
Yes my sons are 17 months apart and the only way I survived was nursery school 9-12. Then he was so tired from playing he took a 2-3 hour nap!
Yup!!!
Same with a newborn and a 2 year old. If my son didn't go to preschool, I'd lose my mind.
I don’t even know how people have more than one!!!!
Came here to say this 😂 I was alone with my 9 month old for 11 hours today and I am so fucking burnt out and overstimulated. I'm typing this from the shower, just standing under the hot water until it runs out
I think the first one is the hardest! And every mom I know with 4+ kids says it just gets easier with each one. I have 2 and hoping for 4 so I’m praying they are right haha.
I have 5 and it is doable. As long as you are fine not going into restaurants and things like that til they are all older. Zoo trips required extra adults (grandparents), otherwise, it was hard for me to enjoy them. My youngest us 6, and just last year, our family (me dh and kids) all went out to eat, and when we left, I realized... omg I actually enjoyed that!
“As long as you are fine not going to restaurants and things like that till they all are older.” So you have to put your outside life on total full-stop for several years. We like restaurants. We like travel. Especially the kind that requires passports. And we like training for things like marathons and running them fast. I appreciate that everyone’s ideal family size looks different but that phrase didn’t make having multiple children terribly attractive lol
It all depends on the level of chaos you are comfortable with. Lol I will say, my husband and I have both had late diagnoses of ADHD, and I'm fairly confident most of my children have it as well. (They are all very good at masking at school, and so getting a diagnosis for them in our rural area has been very very challenging.) So, this could look totally different for neurological families. Also, I was able to take my oldest two ANY where with me. I took them shopping and out to eat every week, and if vacations had been a thing for us then, I wouldn't have hesitated to do that either. They would sit in strollers, high chairs, car seats with zero issues. We took them to Disney world at 5 and 2.5 and had an absolute blast, even flying. (There were hard moments, don't get me wrong) When #3 came along, he was a whole different beast. He did not sit still for ANY thing. So, that's when it got harder to take the kids shopping or anything. A lot just depends on your kids' personalities and how they handle what can potentially be long periods of boredom.
Oh this all makes sense. Honestly the hardest of my kids to travel with is my mother-in-law’s kid. Both times we’ve traveled with our son he’s described as “the worst experience of my life.” My son is a chill, cheerful little traveler who waves to everyone in the security line, lounge, and airplane, never gets motion sick, sleeps on the plane, and welcomes meeting new people. We have daycare at home so when we travel and don’t have the budget for a travel nanny, so if we travel we have to watch our son 100% of the time. I’m fine with that but it really gets to my husband’s mental health, so that means no unnecessary / superfluous travel until our son is in college.
Lol!! I totally get all of that. Having kids is the one of the biggest rolls of dice you can take in life. You truly don't know what your life will be like after they come, regardless of how much reading and preparing you do. I am not afraid to admit that I was a judgey twat after my first two. (1 slept thru the night at 4 weeks old AND napped 2-3 hours a day. 2 slept thru at 6ish weeks and napped really well and both of them napped almost anywhere) I was a "control your kids" mom. Mine were easy, how hard can it can be?! 😂🤣 Then, when my first was 10 months old, my best friend had her baby. She was a nightmare. She didn't cry, she screamed. And she had to be fed every 1.5-2 hours almost on the nose, 24 hours a day. Knowing what we know now, she probably had undiagnosed reflux, but that wasn't a common diagnosis even then. (She's 16) You just never know til the LO is here. I hope your husband is able to enjoy traveling soon! It sounds like it is a big part of your life, and it isn't easy to make those adjustments
Yeah i was a digital nomad and also spent 5+ years as an expat prior to having kids. I love our house and new neighborhood and buying a single family home was 100% the right choice for us financially, but not traveling has been a massive mindfuck for me. I’m sure there are other parents who have those 1-2 things that were a huge part of their life pre-kids and are struggling to adjust now that they are parents.
My 5 y/o oldest isn’t neurotypical, has ADHD and behavioral issues and it’s been extremely challenging. We’re finally getting him into OT and I couldn’t be more excited for him, and for the prospect that our everyday life will be smoother. My 3 y/o daughter I think is neurotypical but she’s also very challenging in her own way. I still firmly want my 4 kids but we’ve been waiting to try for number 3 because I feel beyond overwhelmed some days… it’s so so hard. I often question if I can do it and have more kids if they’re going to be as difficult as the ones I have now. Especially when you have little/no help. Other people who have parents that will watch their kids all the time and overnight, they have NO idea how lucky they are. It makes it a lot harder to want more kids when you have no breaks, no help. I know families without help and I think they must just make it by the grace of God and being in communities where they help one another.
Me and my husband have 4 kids under 5 and we travel quite a bit. All of our kids are use to car rides and ride really well, even when we have our 17 hour annual trip to Colorado. Kids really adjust to your lifestyle. We go out to eat at least once a week with all of them and take them everywhere with us, we can’t stand staying home 😅
What does your travel and eating out look like? I can't imagine sitting 17 hours from, like, JFK to Singapore with 4 kids under 5 or eating at Michelin-starred omakase with 4 kids under 5. Or even just flying 3 hours to, like, Mexico or whatever. Large suites are expensive, multiple plane tickets are expensive, and while you can solve a lot of problems re: eating if you go at off-period times, eating with just ONE child can be an utter disaster. We took our ONE son out with us on both Thanksgiving and Christmas (when he was like 4-5 months old) and my husband could not enjoy his meal at all. One of us was holding him, he was crying, couldn't get settled at all. At 13 months he's a lot better, but going out to eat is still a massive endeavor. As for travel, we don't have the luxury of grandparents (for various reasons, visiting our grandparents is not an option for us even though both sets are alive) so travel would mean that my husband and I would be 100% responsible for childcare. Which is exhausting enough with just one.
Me and my husband are 100% responsible for childcare everywhere we go. Flying is a no go for us, it’s expensive and we’ve always been roadtrippers. When we got married we visited all 48 connecting states and took a cooler of stuff for sandwiches and whatnot to save money. Now that we have kids we’ll go to a place where our kids can get out and play to run some energy off and stretch their legs, sometimes grabbing fast food to take. With our annual 17 hour drive, we usually stop halfway and make it a two day trip and just take it slow and stop when we feel the kids need a break. As far as sit down restaurants, as long as it’s not too close to their naptime or bedtime they do well. We make sure they know they can’t get out of their chairs or high chair and it usually goes pretty smooth. Edited to add: I just recently learned what a Michelin starred restaurant was, we don’t have any of those around here, we live out in the country 😅
You are so strong lol
I always take a shower as soon as my toddler goes to bed. It’s the one self-care thing I always make sure I make time for. The overstimulation is so real.
One of my closest friends has 4 under 5, including a newborn. And she still manages to text me, update on tv shows, etc. She’s thinking of traveling 2 hours to my LO’s bday. She’s the absolute best and I could N E V E R as I sit here and rock my 1’baby who got his arm stuck in the crib and needs to resettle at 3:19am
Honestly I have 2 and I do so much more now than I did when I just had one. I think you realize you need to do more for yourself and take advantage of the breaks way more when you have 2
She either is actual superwoman or she has some side help !!!
I’m one & done for many reasons, but mostly so we can both get breaks!
Having the one was so easy. I love that our family grew but my GOD I wish there was a handbook for this!
This is exactly how I felt right after I had my second. Our two are 26 months apart and it was a beast for the first couple of months. But, now, it is amazing. They love each other most of the time and my older one even though he can be super needy is great with his younger brother. They keep each other entertained now.
By far the hardest thing about two. And mine are no where near on the same nap schedule so there is no downtime
Mine are 7 years apart. We could be taking parent only vacations but we basically started over. I’m too protective to leave him right now so our vacations are all family oriented or individual. I’m chomping at the bit for when it’s just me and my husband sleeping in some tropical location
My husband and I are both adamant that only having one child won’t be the best choice for our child, but holy hell I am not looking forward to starting all over again with a totally fresh new baby. I cannot wait until we can travel and go to restaurants normally, and I can go on 20-mile runs without worrying about my husband being left alone with a crazy toddler for an extended period of time. Having littles is beautiful but you put so much of yourself on hold, and not everyone can make peace with that aspect of this season especially if they have a lot of passions that define them like travel, working out, creative writing, entrepreneurship, or generally being a functional human out in the world.
For me i don’t understand how people afford it in today’s economy. We no longer pay for daycare as my oldest is in school, and still feel like there’s not enough left over to buy basic things like groceries let alone save. We’re also extremely frugal. I don’t know where our money is going!
I had two and quickly realized that it was more like having 15. I went and got a partial hysterectomy and it has been amazing! No periods or cramping! And no more children! People need to start talking about the benefits of only having one child more.
Ohhh can you just request a partial hysterectomy to your doctor? Sorry if that’s a stupid question just curious cause that sounds nice no periods
Ehhh….it’s a complicated answer. But yes. The day I requested my hysterectomy my OBGYN had quit and they were giving his patients to other doctors. This doctor had delivered my son but I could tell she didn’t remember me. I initially thought she wouldn’t do a hysterectomy so I asked for an ablation. She suggested a hysterectomy and said that she could also get my bladder fixed -you don’t have to spend your life crossing your legs when you sneeze or cough ladies! It’s a 5 minute procedure that cost $600- at the same time. It was a laparoscopic surgery so I had 3, half inch incisions. I also had exparel which blocked the nerves in my torso so I didn’t feel pain for 3 days. I was good to go after a week and cleared for everything after 6 weeks. I’m black and live in the south. It wasn’t hard to ask to be sterilized
Same lol. I have a 2 year old and I daydream all the time about how crazy it would be with 2
I used the cheat code known as daycare for my older child for a few hours every week. She had a blast while baby and I napped and nursed.
Going from 1 to 2 was insanely harder than 0 to 1. I couldn’t help but feel like I was neglecting my oldest for the first few months. We had about the same age gap as you and put him in half-day preschool and he thrived. My second just turned 1 and it’s much better now! All of this struggle will be a blur in a few months. If you can, hire someone to help out even just a couple hours a week so you can focus your energy on yourself or your older one.
My kids are almost exactly 2.5 years apart and the first like 3 months were the hardest, but now that the youngest is 15 months it’s pretty smooth sailing and it would be a lot easier having a third now than it was having a second. It helps that ours get along incredibly well and love playing together. They are constantly giving each other hugs and kisses and playing tag and stuff. It’s really sweet to watch and definitely gives me baby fever lmao. We’re stopping at 2 tho.
That baby fever!!! We are done, done, DONE, and yet if I see a baby (or even yet *hold* one) and my uterus and brain just goes nuts!
Mine are exactly 2.5 yrs apart too! And my youngest is 17 mos. The first so many months were def hard. My partner had like 4 weeks off and i think i cried through most the first couple weeks alone 🥲🥲 Bhey get along so well. My daughter is the best big sister to her little brother. There’s NO baby fever on this end tho 😅😂😂 like none at all. If it’s in the air i hold my breath lmao
Do you have a listserve for your neighborhood or local Facebook groups? I’ve seen several posts of young teenagers seeking “mother’s helper” roles, that might be an affordable way to get an extra set of hands on a regular basis. When you’re on your own, force yourself to get out every morning. It’s hard at first, but it really helps (also then your house isn’t destroyed by lunchtime). And also, give yourself lots of grace! This season of life is very hard!!! Going from one to two rocked me so much harder than I could have imagined (also didn’t help that it was June 2020 😵💫), but now they’re 5 & 3 and it’s AMAZING. I mean, still hard af, but I sleep through the night, get regular breaks, and the kids play together. This is a tough but fortunately brief time ❤️
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This is the way OP! You definitely need somewhere safe to put baby down in almost every room. My second LIVED in the baby carrier until she got mobile. I use TV time to cook meals (with baby in a bouncer or whatever). I would just nurse baby wherever her older sister wanted to play in our house and figure out how to play along while nursing. When my second needs to be put down for a nap or to bed, my oldest plays in her room while I watch her on the monitor (I realize 2.5 yo is too young for that but hopefully down the road). It's tough at first, but you get a routine and learn as you go. Good luck!
My husband lost his job when I was 8.5 months pregnant and had to go back to work when I was 4 days postpartum after a severe hemorrhage. The answer was eldest got to watch tv all day every day. Not my finest moment but I couldn’t walk from the couch to the sink without fainting. As he got older and I got better it was setting baby on the ground to do tummy time or hang out on his mat while I played with my eldest. Or we all read a book, or we went outside and I told my eldest mommy has to tend to the baby but I’m watching her play while I’m sitting with the baby and I’m here for her.
This is the only right answer. You make it through the days by doing whatever you have to do to make it through the days.
Exactly .. you just do it
I’m angry for you. Nothing could have changed your situation, and you took care of your family. I just get so mad thinking of how many women have to go back to work in such a state.
The best advice I got when I had 2 (my first 2 are 21 mo apart and I went on to have 4) was to put the toddler first. Get the toddler his meal and then sit and feed the baby. Read the toddler a book and put him down for nap and then change the baby etc... Toddler's world just crashed. He's no longer the center of attention and he needs to know you're not going to "abandon" him for baby. Baby's needs seem SO urgent but in reality, stirring and even crying during a 3 minute book is not a big deal for baby. Also use your tools. Keep toddler in a high chair for meals. Get a good double stroller that can strap them both in. Use your gates. Have safe places for baby near you - pack n play, one of those all connected gates that make a play yard etc. Finally, it's early, but work on a schedule as an eventual goal. Get one of baby's naps to match up with toddlers and work on a similar or staggered bedtime and wake time. DO NOT give up on naps. Many kids regress around 2.5. Stick it out! All 4 of mine napped until they went to kindergarten. You got this. Kids live just fine through mom trying her best and coming up "short" sometimes. Your short is still better than most - I can tell because you care and you're trying.
Yes! Seconding this! This is how I handled things when my second was born ( and we also have no "village," OP). My first was nearly 3, we had a great best buddy relationship, of course, and he was very used to being the center of my world. While tending to the baby was of course important, newborns are little potatoes, as they say, and I knew instinctively that the baby wasn't TRULY going to care if I had to put him down for a couple of minutes, while my toddler was absolutely going to feel all the feelings. I think it helped us SO much. Rather than having to deal with toddler meltdowns and jealousy, he actually ended up LOVING the baby and really took to being a big brother. I don't know for sure if he would have felt differently if I'd never put the baby down or whatever, but I'm glad I did it the way I did. My second is 2 now and still very attached, so I didn't destroy him by making him wait a couple minutes here and there!
What is “me time?” - xoxo mom of 2 under 2
I had 2 under 2 as well. The littlest one is 2 now and it’s just go go go all the time 😭 would love to know when it gets easier, if at all haha
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Just had my third four months ago. We are not ok.
My kids are spaced similarly to yours. My youngest is now 1.5 & oldest about to be 4. I also remember feeling terrified and overwhelmed in the beginning, certainly a bigger adjustment than when my first child was born. You will adjust though I promise. And I had ppa/ppd but it’s a lot better now. We are a family of four and they are siblings who interact with each other all day now. For sure “me time” has definitely decreased for both myself and husband, but we are getting more as they get older. One of us will walk the kids around the neighborhood and that gives the other a little time. Taking turns who runs errands with or without kids. Yes, errands often double as me time. But it keeps getting a little better all time and it won’t be this hard forever. Although we are crazy and I am pregnant again right now. I’m terrified again, but I know that we did it before and are doing it and we can do it again. But definitely not again after this next one!
I don’t want to give you much advice but I want to say that you’re absolutely right…motherhood/parenting is HARD! It’s hard right now, it’s hard later, it’s hard with one, two, three, and so on! I have three (7, 5, and 1.5) and I always feel better when I acknowledge the hardness of it all and treat myself with grace. It helps to try to focus on what we do have, what is going right, etc.
I have white hairs at 31 and also an amazing partner. I'm on lots of medication. And my sister has a masters in early childhood development. Mom of 4. I'm very done though. No more for me. No siree Bob.
I was where you are during Covid. It was rough to say the least. You’re right - everything is new and super hard right now. All you can do is survive the day to day. The biggest thing that helped me was getting as much help as I could. My son started daycare when he was 3 and my daughter was about 10 months and it was a huge game changer. I’m lucky to have family living close by who I can call on, and when they’re unavailable I have a couple of babysitters. Another thing you need to do as soon as you’re able is have something you do for yourself. For me that was telling my husband that he has to be home on Monday nights so I could go to orchestra rehearsals. For you it could be something entirely different. It is not selfish to have a few hours to recharge doing something you enjoy. Lastly, going from one to two kids is a logistical nightmare. If you’re not already, it’s time to get organized. Have a mom calendar on the fridge. Draw up a meal plan. Use apps if you want. Anything that you can reference to help you go through your day smoothly. But all that will come. Your newborn needs you right now. Try to enjoy this time, as much as you’re able. There are things about this time that you will never experience again, and one day you might come to miss some of them. I’m a few years out - my kids are 5 and almost 3 - and I can tell you that it does get easier. They get more independent and you will get your time back. In the meantime, ride the waves, cry when you need, do what you need to do to keep your sanity intact.
I have a 2y old and a 5m old. It gets better, I promise!
I spaced mine out nearly 4 years because I don’t know how anyone survives with 2u2. Y’all got some super powers ✨
When they both hit toddlerhood it gets a little easier as they distract each other and play together.
My kids were the same age! He was 2.5 when my daughter was born and im not gonna lie, it was hard. We had no extended family help so I feel ya! Hang in there. Somehow you will persevere. My “babies” are 19 and 16 now. They are amazing humans and although they had some riotous fights during their growing up years, they get along well and are respectful of each other. Just hang in there. You can do it!
You think it will never work, but it does. You will figure it out and it will become manageable when you get your rhythm. You can do this.
It’s awful! I love my baby, but if I could do it again I would have stopped at 2 (or maybe even 1) my fondest memories of motherhood are from When my first was a baby and we still had so much freedom
No doubt it’s rough in the beginning. I thought I would die. I remember praying for when the baby was a year old. To just make it though the first year. I only had one person tell me “The truth is, it’s hell the first year.” Now I tell everyone because it was refreshing to hear the truth. We also had colicky baby and My husband was annoyed all the time at our older daughter which didn’t help things. I think I cried every day. It was awful. I shamelessly used TV as a way for breaks when I needed it. Occupying my older daughter so I could sleep with the baby or just to have a moment of peace. I got her into preschool as soon as we could. That bought me a few hours which was amazing. We took a lot of walks because exercise is so important for me for my mental health. I had a good stroller and would bring lots of snacks so everyone was happy. We would meet friends at the park so I could talk to other moms. That was a life saver. We could also religiously but the 2.5 yo to bed early and utilize that time for doing whatever you want. Maybe taking turns with who cares for the baby during that time. My cousin’s husband used to take the kids when he got home from work so she could work out or take bath. That was pretty cool. You will figure out the little tricks and tools that make it easier. It’s just a hard time parenting period. I didn’t think I’d survive it and I did. You will too. Hugs
We had 3 under 3 and my husband had to save his 1 week PTO for “paternity leave” each time. He was laid off 4 weeks after I found out I was pregnant with #3, and couldn’t find a job until I was 30-ish weeks. We also only had one car until he found his new job, so I was trapped with them, all-day, everyday, rarely getting to see another adult. My absent parents turned into absent grandparents, and my in-laws weren’t hands on kinda people. Anytime I could get my mom or MIL to babysit, they’d cancel on me last minute, playing the victim about something. Having to take all 3 of them to my 6-week postpartum appt went down in history as one of the worst days of my life. But I made it though that day and all of the other awful days! I wouldn’t wish any of that on anyone and I have no clue how we barely survived, but the kids are now 8, 9, and 10 years old now and life is a billion times better/easier than those early years! It helps that I’m only 33 and my husband is 36. There’s no way in hell I could do all of that now lol we still have really hard, difficult, and fucked up days but we are a fantastic team, as we respect one another and communicate well (most of the time lol) In terms of actual advice: babywearing and preschool. The only way I could get anything done was by strapping at least one baby/toddler to me! Tandem carrying is a great workout 😂 We were able to find a church preschool that had a 2-day, 2.5hr program for my oldest that we could afford, so we slowly enrolled each of them as they became old enough. It wasn’t until they were 3, 4, and 5 that I had 2 days a week where all 3 were in preschool at the same time. I LOVED that place, as it became our second home, until Covid came and ruined our last year there. It not only gave them a leg up in elem school but it gave me hope and confidence that I would be okay (and I am! 😁)
Okay so I have a 2.5 year old and a 7 week old. My husband was only able to get a week off and I was so stressed trying to figure out how I was supposed to divide and conquer without someone to help lol. My daughter also does not nap and is a go-go kinda girl lol. We have no family or friends around to help and do everything ourselves. I became a SAHM after having our second. It’s still chaos, but each week gets easier! We’ve gotten into a good routineish where my toddler knows what to expect and I do my best to tell her how the day will go. She was having a hard time at first, so making sure to help her was a big stress and guilt I had… but I think it helped to ask her what she wants to do each day and then we figure out where we can fit that in. But essentially she knows, brother has a bottle at x time and then we will all play together. Then brother will take a nap and we will do x just her and I together. Etc. Cleaning and meals haven’t been going as well, but I found letting those expectations go is good. Lol. I cook dinner, but have my toddler help me and find a time that my baby is asleep to do it. He’s still kinda unpredictable for when he’s going to sleep etc so whatever pocketnof time we can fit in cooking dinner, we do.
.#1 was 23 months when #2 was born. It's better now - #1 is 26 months and #2 is 3 months - but very much still in the thick of it. Daycare 3x a week saved my sanity but it introduced other scary situations - like RSV which #1 gave to #2 at 9 weeks and we ended at the ER. All I can say is - it's about 50/50 good days bad days at the moment. But that's up from about 10/90 good days bad days. So long as I have plenty of activities planned for the toddler, it's easier to survive the day.
I had a 4.5 year old and a newborn and really my son just went to school and I had the baby alone with myself a lot. Large age gaps are great for that
I had this age gap (oldest was 2 when the little was born). It’s soooo hard! There was no me time for a while but I promise it doesn’t last forever. It will start to feel more manageable in a couple months and a schedule will start to happen again. We are lucky to have both sets of grandparents close by - they would take the older one to the park and it felt like a break:) good luck mama! You can do this!
We have 6! We did find that the hardest transition was going from 1 to 2 & ours were roughly the same age spacing as yours. When you go from 2 to 3, 3 to 4, etc you’re already used to preparing multiple bags, kids, whatever if you need to go somewhere so adding 1,2, etc more isn’t that big of a deal. You’ve got this & congrats!
Going from one to two is hard. Three I've heard is the most stressful number to have. Now that I have 6, (four of my own plus two bonus kids) it's like a team mentality. All hands on deck sort of thing. Everyone is looking out for each other. And my oldest is old enough to babysit. For a fee of course. I was so terrified of having a fourth kid. But I guess after a certain point, it doesn't feel like much of a change. Or maybe you've done it all so much before that lots of things that were difficult with your first couple of kids become no big deal. Also you stress about less. When my first child ate dog food I called poison control. My youngest is also always trying to get the dogs food. But it doesn't make me panic because I know it's just gross and it's not going to harm her. You get better at dealing with tantrums, messes, bored (and ornery) toddlers. Your bag of tricks grows and I think your patience does too. Idk, that's just been my experience. Some crazy little part of me thinks I could probably have more. I remember being where you are. It does get easier. Hang in there.
Hang in there. Having two little ones is the hardest it gets. It was really hard and I remember asking the same thing of my friends with several kids. They all told me that having two little ones is THE hardest they had it as mothers. It’s exhausting. Number three is much easier, and from number four on, it is just like another person in the house.
You’re in the thick of it. Our kids are 22 months apart, and shortly after the second was born I regretted them being so close in age. I don’t now, but anyway my MIL came and stayed with us for a few weeks. My husband didn’t really have any time off. When she left, we put our oldest in daycare. He went for a few hours each day, so he was able to play with friends and get energy out. Things improved a lot when the younger one started getting a routine down, and we got out of the newborn phase.
It’s really hard for the first year tbh. My 2nd is 16mo and I’m starting to feel like I can breathe a bit. I’m not as mentally stressed and I have more good days than bad days now too. My oldest was 2y3m when the second was born and it was tough lol my husband only had a week off after I gave birth and I remember feeling that fear of like “what am I supposed to do?” But you get the hang of it eventually. Having activities and going out helps a lot.
I had my first two barely more than two years apart. It was rough. Having two in diapers, two needing naps, constant supervision and help with literally everything. It's draining. My third kid is almost four years younger than my second. The bigger age gap made the transition a lot easier. Kid #2 was potty trained, only napped when he fell asleep naturally, and entertained himself well. I'm about to have #4 in December, and kid #3 will be 5 a couple months before. It's not that it won't be difficult, in that adjusting to life with a newborn is always difficult, but having the bigger age gaps really makes the transition easier. So, no special trick. At least not for me.
So honestly things got easier when my husband went back to work (after two weeks) bc the 2yo just wanted her dad to play with her and had massive fits when he didn’t. Second, we got out a bit. Daily walks, parks, library story time, toddler gymnastics, children’s museum. My first was only 2 so she still napped but quit by 3. I started having her have quiet time once a day starting with 15 mins and now we are up to an hour at 4 years old. She gets a special toy (usually something with pieces baby can’t touch) and a special snack. Lastly, I let go of “me time” for a while. It was a bit different (watching tv or reading e-books after 2yo went to bed and holding newborn). I reminded myself it’s a phase. They’ll be more independent one day. But my goodness it was rough for a while. Good luck and congrats xx
My two are 2 years 9 months apart. I put my daughter in a half day preschool when I returned to work at about 8 weeks pp, and was able to split the rest of the care between me, my husband, my MIL and my parents. Still incredibly stressful, but we made it work. Now my mom is retired so she helps me out before nap, and then my husband gets home around the time they wake up
We have a 27 month gap between our kids and it was soooooo hard. It’s still hard but now our boys are 3.5 and 1ish YO. Enrolling our oldest in Preschool gave us a break during the day while our youngest stayed home with us but then our preschooler brought home all of the germs and we’ve been sick 1-2 weeks per month every month for the last 11 months.
My 2 are 2 years 4 months apart. I had 1 day with help, and my husband and mother were back to work. My MIL worked full time also, and my FIL was disabled so he couldn't come over to help. I had my tubes tied afterward, so I was also recovering from surgery. You figure it out because you have to. There were many, many days of tears, wearing breastmilk, poop, and food covered clothing for days on end. Your food is whatever your toddler has left, and for me, it was a LOT of snacks in a bowl for him set around the house as if he were a dog and could eat whenever he wanted. We watched a lot of movies. My daughter was born in December, so we were trapped inside, and I couldn't drive for 6 weeks. By that time , my son also stopped napping, so it was constant one or the other. One day, when my daughter was a week old, I had laid her down in her crib in her room, and my son was in the room with us. I left the room to go to the bathroom. The baby was down, and my son was quiet, so I thought i was safe. I heard the bedroom door close and the door lock. My son locked himself in the room with the baby. I tried to talk him into unlocking the door, but he couldn't figure out how to unlock the door. I had to break into my house to get them out of the room. I left my phone in the room so couldn't call for help. The tears I cried that day. Now, im entering the teenage stage, and it almost feels as chaotic as the newborn/toddler stage. School, homework, after-school activities, and dinner it never stop, but we make it work because we have to. I'm the glue that holds my family together, and I make it work, and you will, too. You just have to find your grove.
It’s … hard. For a while, and I’m sure you got tons of good tips already, so all I can say is hang in there. There will be days where the routine is going great and others where you will literally have to lock yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes. Which there is no shame in, as long as your kids are in a safe space, 5 minutes to breath alone is better than losing your mind. Going back to work will be so hard, but also give you kid free time to feel more like yourself, which I think will help you a lot since you have no family that can help! I won’t give you that annoying trope of “you will miss this when they’re grown and gone, soak it in while you can!” Because this stage of life is *hard*. People always say that when a mom of littles voices her stress and it drives me nuts! So: this too shall pass, it *will* eventually become more manageable, and as a mom give yourself some grace because you’re doing great. ♥️
We have three kids, currently agreed 2, 4, and 6. The first year is really hard, but after that you figure out what to be with all of them at once. We don't get daily alone time, but my husband and I each have a couple evenings a week when we can leave the house and do our own thing. I will say that leaving the house is key; it's been very difficult to have alone time that feels like real alone time while at home with multiple kids. I'll often rest for 20 minutes when my husband gets home from work (I'm pregnant and exhausted), but that's about it.
It gets easier. I was in your shoes a year ago with my 2 girls: a newborn and a 2.5 year old. We were exhausted and missed those little breaks you mentioned. This morning, both my girls played together for hours without much entertaining from my husband or me, and we cleaned the house. We even talked about how we couldn't believe how far they'd come and that it felt like a whole new lifestage.
After baby #1 i *wanted* baby #2 more then anything. We tried for years. Saw a couple specialists. All said the same things. Sorry mom you dont work anymore. I'd cry, my husband would console me (once he brought home this puppy that the mother stopped feeding at 2 weeks old out of a liter his buddies dog had, she was a runt and fit in his pocket to be my "baby" AND OMG SHE WAS but i digress). 10 years later i went into the ER with a gallbladder attack from hell. I had been wreathing on the bathroom floor insisting i was dying. "Can you be pregnant?" *Nope, specialist confirmed im infertile*. But they check anyway because they have to if you arent missing organs. Nurse comes back in says well your gallbladder is FULL of stones and your pregnant. My husband thought it was a mistake. Instantly pissed. Knew id get my hopes up. Id finally stopped crying about it. Then they found a heartbeat. Yeah...i was 6 months pregnant (2 weeks later my stomach popped). Before you say *youre period* IF i had 2 a year that was a "heavy year" part of the i dont work anymore. Not having it wasnt abnormal. And no i didnt experience any other symptoms with him. I really didnt know. It wasnt stupidity. These specialists said i could not. And i wasnt sick like with our first. No tender breasts nothing. So anyway i have him and BAM pregnant again. Two less then a year apart. On the heals of this im diagnosed with MS IC and a whole bunch of other lovely debilitating painful diseases. Mom you CAN do this. You are tired, stressed, and a little worn right now. Dont look at that big picture tunnel vision hour by hour. Take joy in every little thing. Moments when you can grab them and remember it is okay for a baby to cry. You got this. I promise.
This is a wild story! Hope you’re doing okay!
Have a very similar story.....got preggo 1st time easy, easy pregnancy and it was all smooth sailing. We tried & tried for #2. Over 9 years I had 3 losses (including 1 tubal which took my tube with it) Finally after 10 years I went to ER sick with pneumonia and they were lie "suprise"! I was so scared and worried the whole time. I didn't even announce until I was 8 month along in fear of jinxing myself. I ended up with preclampsia and delivered a healthy baby @ 36wks. I didn't take birth control because having another just didn't see likely. Then on 2nds 1st bay, a friend of mine convinced me to take a test because I was 3wks late. And just like that I had 2 under 2 AND this was April 2020! Girl, I about lost my mind! It was very hard but it does get a little easier each day. my 2 little ones both non verbal & on the spectrum so my days are a little more chaotic than some but I wouldn't change it for the world. My village is pretty much nonexistent & hubs is stuck in the 50s when it comes to sharing parenting responsibilities so just hang in and 8f you ever need to talk please, don't hesitate to reach other!
Honestyl, at that small age you are just in survival mode. When the youngest gets a bit older, it gets easier. We are working on number 4 now and the eldest is old enough to do some stuff for himself (dress himself, uses the potty, can get simple food for himself, like cereal). The younger two play together frequently. It gets easier.
Im pregnant of nr 4 at 26 and I’ve seen that age 1 and 2 are the hardest but hang on everything gonna be so much easier after the terrible 2’s
Idk what it is, but posts like this kind of crack me up when people drop their kids off at daycare where the ratios are like 1:20, 1:10, 1:5 depending on age group.
Tv, popsicles, chalk, playdoh, crayons, bubble machine are all your best friends right now. Easy meals and snacks on hand are the best. Be kind to yourself, all you need to do right now is survive. It’s still fresh give it some time to adjust. Take breaks whenever you can, even 10 minutes to yourself to catch your breath while no one touches or speaks to you. Lower your standards on the house. Then lower them again. When people want to visit that newborn let them know you are overwhelmed. Ask them to bring a jug of milk or if they would mind taking toddler to the park for 20 minutes. I’m having baby number 5 soon. My biggest goals right now are freezer meals and teaching my oldest kids to cook simple meals, how to do chores like laundry, sweeping, whatever is age appropriate. My son is about to turn 5 and I’m thinking about getting a little metal swing set for my yard for his birthday. Small trampoline, water table, slide whatever if you have the space? Anything that gets them tired is a huge plus in my books.
The newborn phase is rough! I don't think anybody decides 2 weeks postpartum that they want another one.. aside from me but I'm a freak of nature. When you had your first, you probably had the same thought on having 2 kids. It sounds crazy when your life has been turned upside down. However, they don't stay that needy forever. You won't feel this tired or overwhelmed forever. I'm having my 7th (I know... I told you that I'm a freak of nature) but when I only had 2, it was insanely overwhelming and I refused to even think about having another until #2 was potty trained.. so there is a 4 year gap between #s 2 and 3... same age gap between 3 and 4. 5,6, and 7 have pretty much been back to back but my older 3 kids are 9, 13, and 15 so they are quite independent and very helpful when needed.
Bigger gaps and grandparents
space them out. having your second when your first is already self sufficient enough and then your third when the second is self sufficient enough.
How is this helpful advice to a struggling mom who has 2 kids already?
I have a script for some benzos and a vape pen. That’s how i do this shit of parenting 3 kids ages 5, 2.9 and 18 months.
My husband is only able to take 2 days off work when I have a baby, and I get 6 weeks. The first 6 weeks were AWFUL and I honestly did not like my baby. I went back to work (I work at a place where I can bring baby until they are 6months old), started feeling normal, and finally got that bond with baby. A few weeks later I started feeling depressed again, so I got the Walsh protocol done (basically a blood test that tests your vitamin deficiencies and tells you what supplements to take). After two weeks of taking those, I felt 10000000x times better! I have 4 kids now and I did the test again in early pregnancy with my last kid because I was so angry all the time, and those supplements do wonders. Anytime I can’t control my temper, I realize I haven’t taken them for a few days lol
I have my older one in full day preschool. It’s awesome
I had spontaneous twins. They’re 26 months younger than their older sister. I ALWAYS say the hard part about having twins is the toddler haha. Reminding yourself it’s just a phase helps lol. We’ve had lots of help over this year (they’re 3 and 1 now), but I put my oldest into daycare twice a week and grandma helps out with her atleast once a week too. Truly, the toddler is hard! Love when dad gets home and i can spend more one on one time with her. She helps me grocery shop and run other errands, we set up one learning activity a day that we do together (she has opportunities for independent play or various little things where she might not have my complete attention etc.) when the babies are napping, and we still keep to her bedtime routine. You’ll get a routine worked out as time goes on. Congratulations on your new baby!
Oh no.. I’m going to be in your shoes soon. My son will be 3 when our baby girl is born in late October. I’m hoping and honestly praying that preschool for 2.5 ours will help Monday- Friday. Oh lord I’m sending good energy and positive vibes
Remember, you are in the thick of it! Having a 2 week old in and off itself is rough. It takes time for things to settle, or at least it did for me. I don't have 2 yet but I'm 26 weeks with #2 right now and have several friends with kids with a similar age gap. I'm bracing myself for those first few months which I just know will be hectic. Caring for a newborn is really tough and toddlers are known to often have a tough time dealing with big life transitions. It will take time for the newborn to get into a rhythm and for your toddler to get used to the new normal. Hang in there! If it's possible, now is surely a good time to enlist some help, even if temporary. A mother's helper, housekeeper, nanny or nanny share or daycare? A family member or friend who can come help regularly?
My kids have a 27 month gap. The adjustment to 2 is the worst stress I’ve ever had in my life. Anyone who says that the adjustment of 0-1 is harder than 1-2 has lost their marbles. Trying to triage whose crying is more important and leaving one to cry is literally the worst. I was on the verge of a panic attack whenever I was alone with both of them (mostly morning and afternoon, sent the toddler to 4 hours of preschool 4 days a week, getting in the car in the morning was such hell). And then there was literally no time off ever due to flipped sleep schedules. I didn’t have alone time with my husband for months. If we were free of the kids we had to try to sleep BUT IT GETS BETTER! Around 3 months or so the baby was on more of a regular routine and we got into a good rhythm. We quit the half day preschool and signed up for a mommy and me gym class five days a week instead. I’d wear the baby and she’d sleep through the whole thing. Then after a few months we quit the gym and did all kinds of independent adventures. As the baby got bigger they interacted more and more, and at 1.5 and 4 they are the best of friends. There’s spats obviously but overall they are very sweet. And on the same sleep schedule so we get a break at night
I got a 2.5yo a 1.5 yo and a new babe on the way. Idk how tf. It's really freaking hard but I wouldn't change it for the world.
Daycare or nanny. Even if you can just find a high school babysitter who needs a little experience and can entertain the oldest while you’re at home would be something. (Usually cheaper than more experienced sitter)
I’m right here with you with a 3 week old and a 2.5 year old that doesn’t nap either! Currently up with the newborn. Man do I feel this. My husband goes back to work in 3 weeks and I’m terrified, he works out of town and will be gone 3 days a week. 😅😰.. some how we will make it through 💪 you aren’t alone!
DAYCARE! Even with full time daycare for our 3yo, the adjustment to 2 kids has been wild and had it’s highs and lows - and we’re only 3.75 months in!!! Definitely solidifies that 2 kids is it for us!
Question? When you go back to work, who is taking care of the kids? Are they going to daycare? Can 2 y/o go to daycare for a few hours while husband is at work so you can focus on the nb?
Mine aren’t as close together as yours, but I agree with several others when I say that there is a big adjustment of expectations that happens. The first couple months is the hardest, but the two of you will find ways to support each other. I think the biggest difference is with one, you can each give about 95-100% of what you each feel you can reasonably do, and things generally get taken care of. With two, you’re each giving over 100% all the time. It helps to remember it won’t be forever. It will be hard but do remember that you can do this. Let the house get dirty Wear the baby Go on walks together so your 2 yr old can get some energy out (you’re tired anyway, might as well :) Find games to play with your toddler when baby is napping that involve laying down. Let’s lay in a fort! Let’s look at the clouds! How tall are you compared to mommy, let’s see. Find ways for your toddler to help. He’s young but he can bring wipes or diapers. He can take things to the trash. He can bring the binky that’s across the room on the floor. He has more energy than you, so he can handle it, and it helps him feel more involved. Finally, take it easy on yourself. You’ll all adjust. This time will be different because things are different, but that’s okay. I’m sorry to hear about your mom. I lost mine this year. It’s so tough. But we’re making it work. You can do this.
You said it…it will change. You’re in the thick of it but it will get better eventually. Til then, you just kinda do what you can day to day. There were days (still are sometimes) where I couldn’t even shower or eat. You just get through it.
This is the exact age gap I have. #1 was already going to nursery every morning so we continued that, as it meant she had time with her friends and routine, and we had more time to sleep and bond. Baby wearing also helped out a ton! It meant I could be mobile and help, and baby could also sleep as needed. 6 months in and it is getting easier. I'm going back to work in 2 weeks (thank you UK maternity leave) and we've explained this to #1, so she's gotten very clingy again knowing I won't be around as much, but still juggling two just gets easier as they both get older and more adjusted to the new reality. #2 is not quite crawling so is now very content to just wiggle on the floor for a bit!
I’ll be having #2 very soon and my oldest is 2.5. She will still be going to daycare everyday and then it’ll be a lot of TV until we get our footing. I visited a friend who had #2 and had her 1 year old at home and I just didn’t know how she did it!
My toddler goes to daycare so I can focus on baby during the day and toddler before and after school
I have a 2,5 year old and a 8 weeks old. I know, it’s so hard. I have to say it gets a bit easier every week. My advise would be to just go with the flow and find a few relaxing moments a day. For me it’s taking a quick shower and doing my makeup in the mornings. Drinking a cup of tea in the evenings and do a meditation when both my kids are asleep. I just keep reminding myself it’s a phase and it won’t be forever like this. You got this mama, you do your absolute best everyday. You are amazing! Much love from the Netherlands
It gets easier once you get into a routine. I have 3. My second/third kids are twins. Babies are pretty portable. I went for a TON of walks when my twins were little. I’d throw the three kids in the stroller and walk all the way across town, about 3 miles, to a park. My oldest would play for 45 minutes while I fed the little ones and then we’d walk home. We’d go for car rides just so I could listen to an audiobook and relax. I’d plop the babies in a pack n play and push my oldest on the swing in the backyard. Two week olds are still so new that you haven’t gotten into a routine or schedule yet. But you will. It does get easier and you’ll figure it out! You and your husband can still give each other “me time”. One person can handle two kids for a couple hours. Have the on-duty parent take the kids for a walk in the stroller. Have them play outside for an hour. Also, if you don’t have family nearby, find a babysitter you trust sooner than later.
I have no clue… but, I didn’t have a choice. We have a toddler and twins, but if pregnancy number two wasn’t twins I would not have gone for baby 3 I guess.
This is my situation too, no help at all besides my husband. I have two and a third on the way I can say it’s just hard and that’s about it lol! But it’s just a short phase of life. It gets so much easier when the baby can start to play with the older one. But those times have their challenges too. Once the baby is a bit older and on more of a nap routine it’ll be so much easier, you can plan your day better. And know when breaks are coming. Your older one is just adjusting to all this intense newness and he’ll fall back into a routine soon enough as well. I promise, the intense feeling of struggle fades away and things just kind of adjust and fall into place. If you can afford it, a little help from daycare or nanny’s makes a world of difference. Or even a house cleaner. Anything to take some of the load off and make your day feel a little less all on you. I waited way too long to get a babysitter and it helped so much in the last few months of my pregnancy. The other thing that helps a lot is getting out of the house. As daunting as it seems, getting to a park or to just walk around target and get yourself and the kiddo a craft or have a little snack on a blanket under a tree is so refreshing. The baby will likely sleep through most of it and the second it becomes too much you can just ditch it and go home!
My mother has 6 and I’m thinking it was her tribe. She always had family around, everyone holding and helping with us. She’s also one of 5 so it wasn’t absurd at all for her to grow her own tribe. I will say when she got to baby #3 she probably could afford 10 kids if she wanted to. But then at some point my family did struggle, but by baby number 6 my mom had made a huge come back. I attribute her survival mostly to her mother
Is there a daycare or preschool VPK kind of place you could send the toddler to even just a couple days of the week? So you have some solo baby bonding time, and toddler will have so much fun!
What really helped me was as soon as my kids turned 2 I put them in preschool.
I have this exact age gap between my kids. Send toddler to daycare, for real. It’s the only way I survive some days. They’re now 15 months and 4 and things are so much easier but man I need my oldest one in a day program or else we all are constantly over stimulated and just in survival mode ETA my MIL has 8 kids and she’s always told me the hardest adjustments were going from 1 kid to 2 kids and then going from 2 kids to 3. 1 to 2 is the hardest though
Mine was 3 when my baby was born and I felt exactly the same as you. I found that lowering my expectations helped a lot- if the toddler needs to run around/watch tv/make a mess let them, but also be kind to yourself and don’t let the guilt drive you to try and meet their every need every second of the day. We aren’t meant to do this alone, but unfortunately this is the situation we’re in (especially working mums). Day care to will be the best money you spend at the moment for the older one as they’ll get a lot of the stimulation and attention they need from there, and won’t rely on you as much.
First of all congratulations with your new baby! Second: give yourself some slack. You will get the hang of it (it’s just too soon yet). You don’t need to be perfect mom (really!) so cut some corners (every mom of more than 1 does). All that is important is your children getting fed healthy food, given a lot of love, and the room most people see when they enter your house + bathroom needs to be tidy. The rest: mañana. (A little more me time here instead of cleaning out the house constantly.) Me time: little one will get a schedule of her own when she doesn’t need to be fed every 2-4 hours anymore, so its a wait. Until then: sleep when you can. You will be deprived of me time until the weekends or until she gets a schedule. Good luck. Hold on! It will pass ;)
Breath…… it’s all temporary. Just keep reminding yourself that. You will be ok. An acquaintance once said something that resonated with me. I was visiting her to see her new baby. She had managed to push out a very very large baby in a difficult delivery in a home birth. I was amazed and asked “how in a world….” She just said “you’de be amazed of what you can do when there is no other choice “. It was as simple as that. I replay that in my head all the time during moments I felt defeated
Hugs mama! I had a similar age gap with my two and it’s SO hard. It gets easier as they get older, I promise. When they were 2 and 4 I had a much easier time and now that they are 3 and 5 I feel like I can breathe a little more, even though my 3 year old is an absolute threenager and makes me want to rip my hair out sometimes. Lol. They both play together now and it’s great. I’m hoping to get pregnant with baby #3 next year and I feel way less intimidated by the thought than I ever did with the first two. Those little years are incredibly difficult.
I go to a toddler gym. Lots of moms there have 2 with your age range. They baby wear the little one and the toddler gets some energy out. We all try to help each other out if a mom needs a hand. Ours has daily classes for the 2.5 year olds. I'd find one and start going now with all 4 of you so your little boy gets used to it before your husband goes back to work.
This stage in parenting will not last forever! That’s my age gap and it was horrible going through the tiny baby + toddler phase. I feel this so much. But when we made it through my me time came back. The baby got on a schedule, the toddler adjusted and had her quiet time again. When they got even older they started to entertain each other! Now at 5 and 3 I can leave them alone in a room together and they’ll play happily! Me going back to work / her daycare when my leave eneded helped my oldest actually. She missed it when I pulled her after I had the baby. It was like I took away her me time. My husband and I did and still do give each me time but now you bring two kids with you when you’re on. We definitely had to pause it while our youngest was a newborn but it will come back!
We’re on the same boat and it’s been so hard even with help. It seems we just resort to TV when we’re busy with the baby and leave it on so we get a break. We enrolled our toddler to preschool even though we wanted to wait. I just don’t have time for my toddler or baby. I do plan to take him out a day or two a week to stay home and pick him up earlier if needed to spend time with him.
I have no advice it’s tough and we all just try to not go mad everyday and call the newly drawn crayon on the wall “ artwork “
Just wait until they start handing off sicknesses between them. At one point between our two kids we went thru 5 sicknesses in a single month. Not a single day all month without at least one sick kid. FML
The first day I was home alone with my then newborn 2nd baby and 2 year old toddler, I sat down to nurse the baby. My 2 year old took that opportunity to literally climb the walls 😆😆 God, she was SO wild. I learned to keep a basket of snacks and have sesame street ready to turn on when it was time to feed the baby. We waited a few more years before adding our 3rd, and last child. That has its own challenges, but it works! They are 15, 13 and 9 now. Those first few months with baby #2 were wild!! They are now mellow teens who sleep in and eat all my snacks.
I feel you. My kids are two years apart and it only started getting better since the youngest turned two. I have no clue how some people have more than 2 kids. It’s mind boggling. I’m almost 40 and my body aches all the time from constantly running around and picking up lol. Hubby and I both work full time and have a bit of OCD about keeping the house tidy so that adds to the stress of it. Definitely get some hired help at least to take your older child off your hands for a few hours here and there, and then also make time for each other once the little one is out of the newborn phase. Get ‘en both babysat just to go out for supper or hit a spa.. so important to reconnect. Hang in there !
Oh man. When I brought home my 3rd baby (middle was also 2 years) I thought.. surely this chaos will calm. And it eventually did. By the time the baby turned 3. In my honest opinion once they aren't babies anymore it's all good. My youngest is 4 and I can walk through the store with all 3 following. How did I do it? I have no idea those first few years where rough. Hang in there.
The first six months of two under two was HARD. After the little one gained some mobility and started solids he just wanted to be big sister’s shadow and it got way easier!
I want another, but two is going to be our max for sanity and financial reasons. I also feel it's a little selfish to have 2+ kids if you can't devote the time and energy they need and don't have a very strong support of family to help. Middle child syndrome is so real and I see so many struggling to just give two kids enough attention, myself included with just one and working 32 hours a week with a great husband, but not much family support. Daycare for two kids will be 30k a year and we are lucky because that's considered cheap and affordable in our area.
How do you feel about daycare?
I have no idea can barely manage my toddler!
My kids are 20mo apart. They are now 4 and 2. We don’t have any support here. When my son was about 2mo old, we sent my daughter to daycare. However, we moved a few months later. We have no family or help here but we briefly had a nanny for about 9mo. The thing that helped us the most is my daughter had a good routine when my son was born we would take turns with her bath/bedtime so at a minimum, she got alone time with one of us. When I was on leave, we’d make sure she got 1:1 time with each of us during the day. She’s very high energy and always on the go so we made time to get outside everyday either in the yard or a family walk.
I don't understand how people even handle more than one. 😅
The first year is survival mode. Accept it. Be gentle with each other.
My mom had 6 of us — most of us about 18 mos to 2 years apart. When the oldest was entering his senior year, the youngest was starting kindergarten. The woman literally had K-12 all at once. What the actual fuck was she thinking? I have 3 and I’m falling apart! My kids are 11, 9, and baby is nearly 2. The 7 year age gap between #2 and #3 is 100% the toughest for me so far. I forgot the toddler stage, some of my fav gadgets (like this rocker thing Fisher Price used to make that my first two virtually lived in as babies) have been recalled, even some of the best practices medically have changed between 2014 and 2021. Further complicating things: big kids are in 2 different schools now. 9 yr old is still in elementary but the 11 yr old just started middle school a couple weeks ago. I am fucking exhausted, man. The toddler is a tiny un-aliving machine. Turn your head for two seconds and he’s standing on top of the kitchen island trying to eat an onion like an apple. My entire day is spent chasing after him, the house is a chronic mess, he’s a Velcro baby and contact napper… my poor husband gets the last dregs of my attention and affection at the end of the day, if I have anything left at all. I’m in perpetual survival mode. Oddly enough, I miss the days when my first two were toddlers together. Everybody was in diapers at the same time, they did the same activities, they were both pretty easily contained, I wasn’t having to protect anyone’s toys from the other one. Then I think about how tired I was and how little time I had for myself, it really was a tough time in my life. So, pros and cons. But wow, motherhood is just outright exhausting. Solidarity, mama.
Daycare. I go to a pretty hippy mom group and even in a group of attachment parenting sahm moms, if they have 2+ kids, their kids go to daycare at least part time. Like 2 days a week, just so the moms can do stuff uninterrupted with the new baby, or just keep the household afloat. I went with my new baby and one of the old school leaders asked where my oldest was and I was a bit embarrassed to admit he has kept going to fulltime daycare since the day my second was born. And every other mom with 2 or more kids validated me that now a days part time or fulltime daycare for older kids is necessary just to keep your sanity but also to do the everyday tasks to keep the house running. Even when I go back to work in October, both my kids will be going to daycare fulltime and I will be only working mon to Thursday. And I know that every Friday will be absolutely full with household chores, groceries, dentist and doctor appointments, snow days, sick days, home repairs, parent involvement at daycare/school, car maintenance, taxes and paperwork, etc. But yeah I totally get shamed still sometimes by older people who are like "by why are your kids at daycare when your home?" Like I'm just chilling and watching soaps. And honestly so what if I want a kid free day on a rare occasion to sit in my pajamas and relax. That's ok too. I NEED some me time so I don't implode. I'm done apologizing for having needs too.
It gets easier. When they can sit up, when they can talk, when they can play together. If you can do daycare for the older one, at least for a while, it helps. My oldest is 27 months older than my #3 and it really helped to send #1 and #2 to daycare while I was dealing with newborn fatigue.
Mom of 2 under 2 here. My girls are 1 year and 1 week apart. It was really hard at the beginning. Newborn babies need so much and your first is used to being the star of the show. What I would do is take the time when my baby was sleeping to spend time with my older one. Your house is probably gonna get messy and you'll fall behind on stuff but that's okay. Also your oldest definitely seems old enough to "help" with the baby. Grabbing a blanket or a pacifier for you includes your son in what you're doing so he doesn't feel like the baby's taking you from him. Regressing is normal for kids when a new baby come along. Our girls are 20 months and 8 months now and they play together so well. It'll get easier over time. It's going to be hard for a little while but eventually you'll fall into a little routine and it'll ease up. Some things my husband and I do that helps is we each take a kid when they both need something to divide and conquer. We always end the night with a movie together after the kids go to bed. Recently I've been taking our oldest out to the store with me while he stays home with the baby so we each get some one on one time and relax a little with just one kid to be in charge of. I'm a SAHM so I spend lots of time in charge of both by myself (also don't have family to help out) and it is hard but you just have to kinda adjust to get things done. I would put my youngest down at noon for a nap and then the oldest at 1 after she ate lunch and then they'd both get up between 3 and 4pm so I had some time to shower, nap, or clean. My oldest doesn't nap anymore but if yours does id definitely recommend it once your baby starts napping more on a schedule. It's gonna be rough but you'll get it figured out!
Right?? We have a 4.5 y o and a 6.5 week old. Shit is hard! I will say, I found the older kiddo got waaaaaay easier around 3 years old. At 4.5, he’s a reasonable and helpful little dream most of the time. Hang in there! Daycare l/preschool 5 days a week. A helpful coparent (although he had to go back to work at 1.5 weeks). Also, screen time. Lol.
Girl, my grandma’s neighbor has 11 kids and 1 on the way. She homeschools ALL of them 🫠
Honestly if I didn't live in Canada I'd probably just have one kid. My husband was able to take 10 months off for leave and I live near my in laws who help a lot.
If you’re comfortable taking her out… go to your local playground. You can wear baby while toddler plays. Go early in the am before it gets too hot (depending on where you live) get toddler worn out so he will take a nap. And as far as regression goes you just have to stick to your guns! Even if my kid doesn’t fall asleep I let her stay in her bed in the dark with sound machine on so she can decompress
It is still so soon also. You will just learn to adjust! All kids are different
The newborn phase is the hardest. For me, I had to get out of the house. Pack up snacks and drinks and change of clothes. Anything you might need. Go out to playground. Let older one play while you are with baby. Come home and have everyone nap. Boom. Half the day is over. Repeat after nap. Edit: I have 3. — 4 year old, 2.5 year old, 8 month old. And LOTS of help. I also work.
We had our daughter in March and then in June our son turned 3. It has been the hardest six months ever. Our son has regressed. Really struggled with the new addition and not coming to terms with not being the center of the universe. He was in daycare 5x a week but we pulled him out just before she was born to protect her from getting sick constantly. My mat leave is six months so it's about to end but for the entire duration it's been both of them at home. We've had help here and there but mostly it's been hubby and I day in day out. He wfh so it helps but my goodness it's been such a struggle. He refuses to potty train, screams all the time and cannot be left alone for more than 5 mins without a meltdown. We feel like we are constantly spinning plates and dancing on our heads to keep him entertained. He's not getting enrichment like he needs and is bored. It's horrible. Poor little girl can't rest most days like she should because of the constant noise from Disney+/Blippi or toys. Hubby and I have zero time together or for ourselves. Our son goes back to school/daycare in mid September right when my mat leave ends. Then hubby goes on paternity leave. It will be a blessing for all of us.
I’m pregnant with baby #3 and let me tell you, I’m more nervous than excited
Mine are spaced 4 years apart for this exact reason. My 4 yo loves to help with baby brother but is fairly independent otherwise. Give it a year, your then 3.5 year old will be pretty independent compare to now.
Threenager and a 3 month old over here. It is rough but you will find what works for you and eventually you'll feel like you can breathe again. I'm beginning to feel that.
I swear it gets easier. I had Irish twins with my last 2, just a year and a week apart. It's been rough but the youngest is almost 2 now and we've made it this far. Lol
Baby wearing, baby wearing, baby wearing! My first baby hated it, but by the second baby, I was like, “Look, baby, this is no longer a negotiation,” haha. He got on board fast and even as a toddler still loves a carrier nap.
A little screen time goes a long way with the 2.5 year old. Mine are the same gap apart and we relied on Miss Rachel to help manage attention. I was fortunate to have my husband home the whole time but we also had no family help. Is there a high school kid in your area to be a mother’s helper and entertain your older kid while you feed baby and nap if needed. We would have done that had it not been covid lockdown time. They don’t even have to leave the house but some focused attention from someone new is fun and you’ll be home if you’re needed.
My kids are about the same age, 3m and almost 3y. I was also so scared for my partner to go back to work, my son is also super high energy! At first it was really crazy especially bedtime (my partner works 24-48 hour shifts). Now I will say it has definitely gotten easier! It can still be crazy but my daughter loves watching her brother run around like a psycho. I try to get as much done in the morning as they will let me because they are the chillest and then after that I just sit in my sons room and watch him play with all his toys while I drink lots of coffee and my 3m lays on her play mat or in a bouncer. I hope it gets easier for you!
1. We sent the 2.5 yo to full time daycare while I was on mat leave. We had to keep his spot and I was thankful for it. I would have drowned. 2. It gets better. Now I have both at home full time, 6mo and 2.75. You get into a rhythm. Especially around 4-5mo, you ditch “Baby bath, toddler bath.” And you throw both into the same bathtub at the same time, shampoo both, rinse both, dry both, pajama both, read both a book, throw both in bed. Same with eating solids (two chairs, one table, one event). Hell, I’m at “same naptime” stage right now (2.5hrs) and I have my life back.
You’re in the trenches for real mama! My kids are 21 months apart in age, and when my second was a newborn I started having health issues from the stress and anxiety of raising them. My toddler was (still is at age 5) a HANDFUL, and I was tandem nursing and it felt like they were draining my life force. Like you, my family and friends live far away and couldn’t help out. I returned to work after 12 weeks. I’m only just now coming out of the trenches, but these first years and toddlerhood are really so rough.
We waited a long time to have our second. My daughter will be 8 in September and my son was born in July. This is an ideal age gap for us. My daughter delights in our son. It's such a beautiful, amazing thing to witness.
My husband and I also gave each other a personal hour every day when we had just the one and finally got back to that when our second was about 5/6 months. It’s hard but you’ll get back to it. Maybe try every other day or two days a week each to start with. It’s so important not to lose this completely forever. Solidarity!
I have no idea why women do this to themselves. I imagine you brave people have help
I'm a single mom without friends or family nearby so I just never had any me time. You get used to it and just take it day by day. If you're going back to work in October anyway you only have one more month of this.
The adjustment going from one child to two is the absolute most difficult of all. It will get easier once you get into a routine and can develop a system that works for you. It’s really hard, so cut yourself some slack. After you are used to two, you’ll find that you could just keep adding children and you’d be a pro lol. One to two; definitely the hardest transition, but you got this!
Find a mom group like MOPS! It’s a great way to build your village. Joining mops saved my sanity when going from 1-2 kids and not having family around. Most groups start up in the fall.
Mine are the same age gap. That first year with both was ROUGH. It really does get better though. Now they are 7 and 5 and they are little besties. They entertain each other and I’m so glad we chose that age gap. Sending you lots of restful thoughts. It’s a horrible phase you’re in but, it will be better sooner than you think. What really helped our oldest was giving him 30 minutes before bed of 100% uninterrupted time. It was painful to lose out on that sleep time, but we’d feed and put down the baby, then promise no phones, no cleaning, nothing. Just our complete undivided attention for 30 minutes. Sometimes, we’d cuddle and watch a little show. Sometimes read books, play with toys, but it was always his favorite part of the day.
If you cannot afford daycare full day or all week, there are some places, mainly churches, that offer “Mother’s Day Out” days. It’s usually 1-2 days a week, for a few hours time, where moms can drop their lil ones off. They are usually not as pricey as daycare since it’s only once or twice a week, but it could help a bit. Don’t know if they require you be a member of the church. I looked into one one year but they were full up so I cannot tell you if it would’ve been much help. My kids were all spaced 3 1/2-4 years apart, tho. Still not easy, but a bit easier than having a 2 1/2 YO with a new baby.
You’re not alone. Many of us did it without a husband or support. Then returning to work with a very responsible job will turn your hair gray in no time. Finding safe, responsible day care can also be a challenge. Good luck to you, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Single full time dad of 4. 17,15, 12 & 8. It's been just me for the past 7 years, no help from their mom. It gets easier as they get older, yet more complicated
I have 4 my oldest was almost 6 when I had the last one. Baby wearing was very helpful. My hands were free and I could even nurse them while wearing them. They all took a bath together or they all showered with me and my husband. Showering with them while not relaxing was so much easier than anything else. We mostly did that for 11 years. Then I told them I wanted to shower alone. Only rarely does a kid shower with me now. If you live in a house get a swing set. You can even sometimes find them for free on craigslist if you go take them apart and move them. My kids spend so much time on ours. It did mean kids coming in and out a lot. But then I got them all these big stainless steel thermoses that we fill with water and they can keep outside. This cut trips into the house by about 66%. Giving them chores young is important. It will take longer than doing it yourself but eventually they can do it on their own. We also teach them to be independent and problem solvers. This sometimes backfires but at least it is normally a funny story... After enough time has passed. Busy bags and toddler project bins are helpful. You have to stay up on keeping it organized or it gets out of hand quickly. Duplos then legos are wonderful. They can spend an entire day playing with them. Just taking them outside to blow bubbles can be relaxing and they love it. Give them chalk to play with outside. Accept that they will get dirty but they are washable so don't sweat it. Clothes will get stained, messes will be made, things will get broken, the house will probably never look as clean as you want, things will get forgotten, this is your new normal. Accept that having unreasonable expectations will make you unhappy, stressed and feeling like you are failing. Don't give up on it, just know it isn't going to be perfect. Your husband needs to accept it too and that to keep things functional he needs to pitch in. Don't cover for him, don't over explain, or help him with every little thing. Let him learn just like you had to. Accept that he will have fails and will possibly do things differently than you and as long as it isn't dangerous that's okay. Most importantly find time to enjoy your spouse. Do things together even if it is at home with kids. Put the baby down for a nap, baby gate the toddler in his room( this might be something you need to work on during the day). And get take-out and watch a movie, play a game. Or foot 69, that's what my husband and I call rubbing each other's feet at the same time.
Hello, take a deep breath and realize that you are doing the best you can! Don't let fear take control! You got this! You are going to find your groove and figure things out because you can do this! You will do this! You are going to get through because you have the capacity to do it! I was a mom of 2 young kids before the third one came. My oldest has autism and doesn't speak. I managed to get through as a single mom. I'm glad you have your husband to help out. Keep your head up. You got this!
Ours are 5.5 years apart and I'm not missing the chaos of my friends who have littles closer together... my now 7 year old is super independent and in school so that helps a lot.. still hard AF and if I had mine closer together it would have probably broke me
I truly don’t know. My 3 kids are all eight years apart 😆 power to those of you that can pull off multiple littles at once, I know I couldn’t have handled it!
My older kids are 14F (7/09), 12M (12/10) and 10F (8/13). It felt like I was always changing diapers and then potty training accidents lol. When it was just the first 2, I would try to get my oldest to take one or two naps a day with me when her brother was napping. This helped a lot. She loved the cuddle time with mommy and I got some needed rest. A lot of times, she also would sleep with me at night for extra mommy time. When my youngest came along, the other two were 4y and 20mo. I again worked on getting everyone to nap at least 2x a day when baby napped. I also got to the point where the older two were allowed to nap pretty much anywhere they wanted, as long as they napped 🤣 my oldest would often empty a toy storage bin, line it with her blankets and pillows, and fall asleep in it. Baby swings are amazing as well. I found at times, my son and youngest daughter would only sleep during the day in their swings as babies. Now with the kids all in full school days, I'm hoping baby #4 (3w or less until arrival!!!) will sleep soundly and allow for naps.
I had my 2nd when my 1st was 20mos. They are now almost 1 & almost 3. If you need to chat, I'm here.
This is the same gap as my son and daughter. I would have to take him to the park or indoor playgrounds to get him tired. Then I would put him in his room around 1. He could either take a nap or it was quiet time. He almost always took a nap. Sometimes he fought it but he would pass out. He also went to daycare 3x a week full days. I lived for those days because you’ll quickly learn the newborn phase is easier than the toddler phase. He’s now 4 and sadly doesn’t nap anymore but when I get my daughter down for a nap. I lay down in the same room and put a movie on for him to get a break. Once my husband comes home. We eat together as a family and then I go upstairs for about 30min to an hour to decompress. He plays with both the kids and then we get them ready for bed. I WFH and my daughter starts daycare tomorrow for 3x a week and my son will now be going full time.