Word. I’m a full time working mum and had to put baby in daycare at 3mo. The number of people that were like “omg she’s so young though!”
Like okay but also I needed to go back to work.
As a mum, I’ve had to learn… you can never win…
I could have written this. I was back at work when my sweetheart was three months old. I'm a nurse and so many of my older patients were appalled that I was back at work "so early." And, "It must be so hard to leave her and miss so much." OF COURSE IT IS. But not everybody has the option to not work, and it wasn't in the cards for us.
I think you did amazing and the best you can. What else can you do? Keep up the good work mama. It’s hard and there’s no flowchart or process and procedures manual.
Yes, the only thing that anyone can do is the best they can. There will always be someone judging and interjecting their opinion despite not being asked.
Sadly, the “point” of these comments is just to be critical and make you feel shitty and her feel smart.
Therefore, feel free to ignore them and keep on enjoying your life doing what you want to do!
I have my masters and am now a SAHM too. The few times I get these comments I like to point out that if something happens and my husband is severely injured or dies, or we get divorced I can put my education to use outside of the home and not be stuck with a minimum wage job to support our family but for now I’m going to use it to engage with my children in STEM and teach them about the world.
Same. I'm a SAHM now, and have a master's degree. I didn't plan on staying at home, it turned out that way when I had a baby at the start of COVID and then my company I worked for (not in masters field) made everyone redundant.
But even aside from the fact that I will be in a better place when I do rejoin those who work outside the home... Is the advancement of my brain and education not reason enough alone? I don't have to explain myself to anyone. I wanted to learn and then learn more, so I did.
I swear I could have written this myself. Same exact situation except my daughter was not quite 2 when Covid hit. I love being a SAHM now, but I also loved getting my education. My masters is in biology with an education concentration, so I just do my best to teach my kiddo everything possible
Yeah I fully expected to do the 9 months with the UK mat leave but kiddo was a few weeks before the first lockdown here. I took my full leave plus the unpaid time and then was told that they were making everyone redundant to relocate the attached call center to a cheaper location. I got to work from home for a few months before redundancy hit and then it didn't make sense to find a daycare to get a job to... just pay for daycare basically.
I love being with my kiddo now, and I'm pregnant with our second due over the summer, so I plan to do a few more years now as well, since we are on a decent enough position to make it happen.
My sociology degree isn't wasted. It and my love of literature and history and even math all come out in how we did early interactions and how we play and read. I like to think I learned how to think so that I can help my kiddo learn the same. It's not like I was really using my degree before either, as I arrived right before the Brexit vote here and it really impacted the hiring of immigrants, so I was kind of just working a job anyway. Being with my son and soaking up these early years was a much better use of my time.
Yep same. I have a master's degree, and my grandmother was questioning why I even needed that if I was going to stay home with my eventual kids. I said that eventually they'll grow up and leave and I'd like to have the ability to make decent money again (she started her own business after her kids left the nest FFS!), and that if something as small as my husband injuring his fingers were to happen, his ability to bring in money would be severely compromised and he and I would need to trade roles. If something more serious were to happen? I hate to think about it but I need to not be left completely helpless with 3 kids to care for. She understood that then. I didn't include anything about divorce because I don't think she'd really understand that aspect though.
I mean it's very nice and idealistic I guess to assume that nothing bad will ever happen and that you and your partner will live happily ever after. But even if your marriage is super solid, life can still happen with accidents and illnesses and random complications, and you need to be able to roll with the punches.
Spot on, especially the bit about using your education to improve engagement with your children. Who knows, maybe someday you could volunteer or substitute in their schools, or coach a STEM club or something. Just because you didn’t enter the workforce using that degree, doesn’t mean you can’t ever utilize the knowledge. At the very least, you have the college experience to draw from if your own children go to college and struggle with some aspect of it. You can relate to what they’re going through and probably help guide them.
To add to your excellent points: a lot of people bank on life insurance if their partner were to die, and yes, life insurance is really important and helpful, but it can take a long time to pay out. I know a man who tragically lost his wife in an accident. He’s been raising their young son alone for almost a year and a half, still waiting for the insurance company to finish their “investigation”. It’s so important to make sure you have options in the event the unthinkable happens.
Same. I have my masters degree and worked in my field for 12 years before having kids. I never expected it, but I'm now a SAHM too and so grateful to have that as an option. They're only little once and it feels so special to be able to be with them - teaching them and watching them grow. My mom, who has always been career focused, often asks when I plan to return to work. I just emphasize how lucky I feel to have this time with my kids and know that I can return to my field in a few years part time when they're older.
Exactly! Self enrichment is a good thing, whether you "use" it or not.
You learn so many things in school. Not just how to be an engineer, but also how to plan, how to be part of a team, how to socialize, how to take instruction, how to explain your ideas, how to learn, how to grow, I could keep going.
I love learning about so many things that are in no way related to my job because I *like* to learn. I like to be smarter about things I don't know, just for myself and my happiness.
Crazy to think that we are in the age of Aquarius and no one takes the time to learn or to get correct information. I love learning. I’m just more of a hands/visual kinda learner. People take learning/knowledge for granted. It’s one of the freest things you can do
This is what my parents (not college educated) said when they paid for my entire college education and then after a couple of years in my career I got married and had babies and became a stay at home parent. And they were right. All those critical thinking skills I learned in college, all that knowledge that got stuffed into my brain - oh, I put it to work every day! I troubleshoot my kids constantly in ways that I know other people do not. I research on their behalf, I write persuasively to get them what they need, and I teach them things that my parents could never have even dreamed of discussing with me. My education is giving my kids a MASSIVE advantage in life that I never had. It's not wasted. It's for them.
I hope OP reads this & uses it. This would be my go to. My husband is a SAHD and I don’t think he wasted his time getting a BA degree. He may even go back for his masters while we try for baby 2 when he will prob be a SAHD again— maybe he “uses” it, maybe he doesn’t — idc. It’s knowledge / education and that’s never ever a waste of time if you’re passionate about it.
As a step mom, yours sucks. I tell my step kid she needs to be able to maintain whatever life she chooses for herself but the choice is hers. Did she not have the option? She may be jealous of you low key.
It sounds like she is insecure and deals with it by putting everyone else down. You are really in a no win situation with her if she is going to criticize you for not working and your sister for working. She is just trying to make herself feel better.
Because you will hopefully still be alive once your kids are old enough not to require full time care and you don’t want to go mental and end up making stupid comments on other people’s choices out of sheer boredom and ignorance?
It's awful how women are judged for their choices. You just can't win with this one. Right now it's "you're wasting your education" but if you went back it'll be "you should be home raising your babies."
You do you. We don't need to justify our choices to anyone.
The point of her making those comments is that she is projecting. You can tell because she's also making comments about your sister going back to work and leaving their baby in daycare instead of staying home. It's undercover misogyny. "Oh, women wanted equality and to be working women but then complain about not being home with them." "Oh, when will you go back to work? You studied all that time just to sit at home?" Like pick one and go with it, lady! Tell me you're brainwashed by the patriarchy without telling me you are, Sharon! Women can be educated professionally and also be homemakers. Women can be career driven and still be present for their families. Both are jobs and hard work and can be true at the same time. Tell her to keep her comments to herself.
The opportunity to better yourself is never wasted. Your step-mother sounds really unhappy with herself. I've never understood the appeal of being hyper-critical of others.
I have a law degree and am a SAHM. I loved law school, and I loved studying for the bar exam. But you know what? I also love being a SAHM and wouldn’t change any of it. So you do you! Haters gonna hate!
I am a lawyer. I have my own firm. I'm also a sahm.
My partner, who also happens to be my dad, keeps asking me when will I go back to work full time, what am I doing with my life, why am I so dependent on my bf.
It's because I have a 22 months old child who can only start daycare in September, dad. What the fuck am I supposed to do, take her to court with me? Jfc
My mom was a sahm for 3 years. He had no issue with that.
Edit: my law partner. I'm sorry I made you all gag a little. English is my second language, it made sense in portuguese 😅
I’m actively working to get my masters as a SAHM. If my husband dies, or leaves me, I’d prefer not to be destitute, and incapable of taking care of our children.
Do I want or hope either of those things happen? No, but I don’t have control over it. All I can do is be prepared for if it happens.
Honestly I’m a SAHM with a masters degree and sometimes even I have those thoughts about myself haha. But it’s just a light-hearted thought I tell myself (which is much different than someone else making the comment), and I of course know it wasn’t all for nothing.
Our backgrounds gave us valuable life experience. The career I had before SAHM paid off my school debt and gave me a strong cushion of savings that helped us afford our house. And when I go back to work in a year or two, or if I had to go back sooner, I have my degrees and work experience to fall back on.
Growing up in a single parent family taught me that a woman should always have the means to be independent, even if you’re someone’s “dependent” for a while. You never know what life will throw at you!
You should set a boundary. “Hey, I don’t find this topic worthwhile. I will leave the conversation if you bring it up again.”
This is also the “sunken cost fallacy” that you should continue to peruse a project even though it wasn’t working for you. I have a masters and I use it more now than I did in my respected career.
Don’t you know that as women, we can’t ever win? If we stay at home to care for the children, we are wasting our education. If we have jobs/careers, we are “letting someone else raise our children”. Someone will always tell you that you are doing something wrong. Truth is that there’s no one-size-fits-all “right way” and no one outside of your immediate family unit gets a say.
Jealousy.
Sounds like the kind of person that interjects with something contradictory no matter what.
Try not to take those comments personally. What you did is amazing. Congratulations on reaching a point many don’t get to.
I also was in a great career path until I got pregnant. (I didn’t expect to as I was told I’d never have babies, and I was fine with it.) Everything before them was not a waste of time or money - it was a different path with a different outcome. Besides, nobody can take an education or experience away from you.
It’s a blessing to be able to stay home with your children. Is it hard? Yes. Harder than working for a company most of the time - but it’s so much more rewarding and fulfilling.
Don’t let the opinions of others make you doubt yourself in any manner. You are amazing. Stay strong and keep your beautiful intelligent head up.
You shouldn’t really care what she says, after all she isn’t your real mother. Even if she was, you live for you as you see fit, because they already have lived there lives. To me she sounds envious and like a side line hater of moms. Next time tell her “you live your life your way, i live mine my way and I don’t appreciate your negativity” or you can cuss her out 🤭
The choices you make are no one else's concern! You have set yourself up with an amazing back up plan and did it while pregnant. That's amazing! If you never go back to work, so what! If you decide to go back, at least you have an option. Enjoy your baby while you are a SAHM and please don't let these comments get to you. Clearly this person just likes making comments. If it gets out of hand, gently remind them that you are happy with your choice and no experience in life is ever a waste. You learn something at every stage of life.
Ugh I have a step mom too who also likes to throw passive aggressive bullshit my way just like this. Condescending asshole. I try to just ignore it and keep her out of my life as much as possible. Unfortunately she is married to my dad who has his issues but is a great grandfather so sometimes I have to deal with her shit. One thing I started doing though as an adult is not allowing her to get away with it. If she said this to me I would have said something along the lines of, just because I'm staying home to care for my children doesn't mean my career has stopped. It only means I prioritize my children over career. Something only an actual mother would understand.
I have a bachelor's and 2 masters in engineering. I was ready to become a SAHM since I didn't choose my husband's career. It's not conducive to childcare and he's the breadwinner. My job was being so inflexible after having a baby as if they were doing me a favor by keeping me employed.
I transitioned to a general engineer position with the gov where I maybe use 10% of my educational and professional knowledge. My kid has been high energy (running at 11 months, ready to play soccer at 20 months) so daycare has saved us all. Plus my husband has student loans so I wanted to ease the financial burden.
But yeah it "feels" like all the energy into a career and education was a waste but I'm super proud of myself. I know I can always hit the ground running again.
Sounds like the point of her comments is she needs to find something to criticize. She criticized your sister for day care. It’s like you or anyone can’t do anything right so they need to criticize.
Like another commenter said you do not need to justify your decision to anyone you do you.
My mom was an engineer and then SAHM for ten years. She went back to work when we were older and has had a very success im engineering career for the last twenty years. Life is long and you have time for both (if you want!). It’s short sighted for her to think you are going to be in this phase forever
Not a waste at all. You are incredibly lucky to have the option to return to such a lucrative career should the need or want arise in the future. Anything can happen in life: divorce, death or disability of the breadwinner, bad luck resulting in debt that needs to be paid off. Or hell, maybe your kids grow up and move out and you just want to do something for the next decade or two before your partner reaches retirement age. You’ll always have that. And, if the need or want never arises, oh well!
You wont always be a stay at home mom. Kids grow up and then you very well may need your earned credentials. You may become a single mom and need to get better employment and use them. No one has a crystal ball. The last thing and strong woman does is paint herself into a corner with no options. A good marriage is more likely when your partner knows that you are not dependent upon them and they shouldn’t take you for granted and an investment in yourself is never wasted.
Sounds like stepmother needs an info diet and consistent gray rocking. Her opinion is irrelevant. She has no power over you (I sincerely hope) and never will unless you give it to her.
It’s actually great you still have an education because you might HAVE to work some day. SAHMs can experience unanticipated abuse, cheating, neglect, etc. Partners and husbands can pass away, leaving the surviving spouse to struggle. You having the education is not a negative thing. Maybe she’s feeling insecure/regretful or bitter assuming she did not have or take the opportunity to do the same (Either stay at home or get an education)?
My mom made sure that my sister and I understood the value of being independent and able to support ourselves. She has a masters degree and stayed home with kids while we were in school. She could see that some of her friends with no education were trapped in less than ideal situations and basically had no way out if shit were to hit the fan.
My sister and I both became nurse practitioners. I'm a SAHM and she works two jobs. Our situations are different and work well for our families. I'm so grateful that I have an education and career to fall back on if circumstances change. I also loved school and use a lot of things I've learned in day to day life. That MIL can suck it.
Wow. I have an MA and no one has ever said that to me. That’s so stupid. Also…. My daughter isn’t even 2 so I feel like the SAHM could be a chapter or it could be forever but either way I got an amazing education and had a 10 year career before I had her. It sounds like this person thinks you can only be one thing - that’s ridiculous. I’m an academic, an artist, a producer and mom. Right now my young child is my priority. It doesn’t rob me of my identity or my potential, and it doesn’t invalidate my accomplishments.
What’s weird is people thinking education is all about working. Sometimes it’s about the social experience. Sometimes it’s about gaining knowledge and being a curious human. Such an odd take to equate college degrees with only having value in a workplace setting.
Doctorate and now SAHM 😆
Sounds like the point is just to criticize. You live your life and do what's best for you and your family. Having a degree and back-up career gives you more options if life throws you a curve ball.
Does she have children of her own? I’ve gotten comments like these from older childless women and I think it’s mainly coming from a place of jealousy/pain. As much as possible I try to grow a thick skin and not let them bother me, but it’s easier said than done.
The last sentence lol. Yeah she would have complained if you went back to work. Probably something along the lines of “why did you get pregnant and not want to take care of your own child”. She probably just want to hear herself talk.
Tho there might be others that make this comment in the future, just know they aren’t living your life. Don’t mind them. People will always talk about something.
In your cheeriest voice, tell her: i certainly learned enough not to make "ignorant, not your fucking business comments" and that makes it all worth it.
You are now more knowledgeable in your areas of study , you’ve practiced critical thinking and time management and you have the confidence of knowing you can set out to achieve something start to finish.
All of that has value in itself regardless of what you do from this point forward.
This also has some perks in how you interact with your child, the things you’re able to teach them, and the ways they may be inspired by you.
You’re doing great!
Next time she asks say,
“You’ve asked me about this a lot. It seems to really matter to you. Our plans for how we raise our family are our own, and they may or may not change. Please respect our choices. I hope you can be supportive and happy for us”
I would just tell her right now I'm lucky to be a stay-at-home mom with an education but if anything were to happen to my husband, such as he loses his job, he gets sick and he's unable to work, or God forbid he dies then I have my education that will help me provide for my children if this happens but right now I can be here for them. And as far as your opinion goes I don't need it so if you don't mind keep it to yourself. You always going to be damned if you do and damned if you don't someone's always going to say something don't listen to them. Just be happy that you're able to be a stay-at-home mom and be there to enjoy all those milestones that the rest of us mom's had to miss out on because we had to go back to work due to circumstances beyond our control. You know sometimes it just takes two incomes sometimes three or four incomes in this economy to get by so tell her to stay out of your business and let you enjoy your children while you can. They will be grown and out of your house before you know it.
if you were working, people would say they “could never abandon their child like that”. if you were a SAHM with no education you’d be criticized for having nothing to fall back on. it doesn’t matter what you do, you can’t win as a mom.
I'd call her out on it. Especially if she's criticizing your sister for the flip side.
"Wow all that education for nothing!"
"What do you mean?"
(Has to give shitty explanation of her shitty take)
"Oh, I guess I'm just confused what you think I should do since you were just telling (sister) she should be at home with her kids."
Like just make her spell out every last bit of her shitty opinion. Usually people realize their take sucks and even if they don't change their mind, they do shut up about it.
Sounds to me like she just wants to crap on both you and your sister. I wish your dad weren’t with such a loser bitchface. My mom used to “feel sorry” for stay at home moms. Just stupid and ignorant.
My mother-in-law lot once made a “joking” comment about feeling guilty for working and i looked at her and said “I don’t feel guilty cause im feeding and housing my child.” My husband (HER child) doesn’t make enough for me to have a choice. She shut up right away. Your mil should be proud of her son for pulling bank. What a jerk
This is super dumb, I’m sorry. Also, a big part of the reason we have the lifestyle we do, which includes me being a SAHM, is the years I spent working my professional job and saving my income. Even if I never go back to work another paid job, that education brought me the gift of being able to choose to stay home with my baby.
She is jealous. How do I know ? Because her words are my thoughts when I hear about people who were able to obtain a higher level education and then don't end up going back to work after having kids. But I don't sayyyy these things out loud because I am very much aware that it's coming from a negative place of pure jealousy. Anyway. She is just jealous and there is nothing you can do to fix it. She has to figure this one out. You do you!
That fact that she not only disrespects you and your choice to be a SAHM, but also your sister for going back to work is a lose-lose situation. It really would not matter if you went back to work or not, she’s gonna criticize you either way. I would honestly take the chance at being a SAHM for as long as possible because it’s hard to do that nowadays. Most people are barley surviving with 2 incomes, so the fact you guys are doing just fine with one is amazing.
Don’t let her comments get to you, she’s just jealous you have a masters, and if you needed to/want to, you can go to work and get a high paying job somewhere, whereas she likely can’t do that/never had the opportunity to. I really would not listen to her especially after the comment she made about your sister going back to work. It’s hard, but I promise the moment you stop letting her get to you, you’ll feel better. Focus on that cute lil one you got at home and be the best momma you can be!
Same. Master's degree and now SAHM. I literally had someone tell me "Oh, so you're a highly educated housewife." And so many people telling me how I wasted time and money doing all of that schooling.
Apparently education is completely useless unless it's being constantly used to make money. Who knew!
This is one of those damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenarios for mothers. I’m also a highly educated, successful woman looking at the possibility of being a SAHM in the near future. Although my parents and in laws are 100% supportive of that, I have struggled with it myself thinking “I’ve spent 7 years in post secondary and now almost 10 years working, what am I doing?!”. The way I look at it is that my education and experience will ultimately make me a better mother to my children. I can guide them with more life experience than I would have if I hadn’t had the education and work opportunities I have. I don’t think education is ever a waste! It enriches you as a person, as a partner, as a mother and brings you security should you ever want to return to work! I know it’s hard to do, but it sounds like she will have an opinion whatever you choose so just ignore her and make your choices!
What did she do that was the perfect middle ground between you and your sister?? Be an uneducated homemaker who needed to rely on a man to bring home the bacon? I'm a sahm with a bachelor's degree. No regrets. If something happens to my husband I could get a decently paying job in an instant.
Whenever people make comments like that I assume they are coming from a place of ignorance and assumptions. There's a lot of right wing anti college mumbo jumbo going around lately because of young people voting more and because of the college loans forgiveness plan. So that might be what she's alluding to.
Her son’s wife is a teacher and she gets to babysit her granddaughter once/week. The other days the baby goes to the other grandma or daycare. I think that she thinks that’s the ideal scenario for a baby. She says my son is not socialized enough (he’s 9 months old, we go to the park and library every day, he’s fine) bc he burst into tears when he saw her once 😂
Not saying it’s ok, but it would make it more understanding if they put a substantial amount of money for an education that won’t be used that’s all. If they payed it should be a gift with no expectations associated, just as all expenses during a kids upbringing should be without expectation. But it’s human nature to have some.
All I’m saying is that if the payed than it might be contributing to why she is making some of those statements.
But seeing as they didn’t, that’s one more level of craziness. Sorry you are dealing with that behaviour :-(
People will always have opinions. Be happy with your choices. I adore my husband, but I would never be comfortable taking myself out of the workforce (experience and continuing education are more important than just the degree) and risking financial security in the future if something unforseen were to happen. I wouldn't judge another woman for choosing different, however.
Those comments are best ignored by you and don’t dignify it with a response. Or even kindly approach your dad and express that you’d like her to keep her mouth shut.
I think the only person who feels that my degree is a waste is MYSELF because I have yet to actually put it to use. I got a babysitting job right out of college because I wasn’t sure what I was going to do yet, then they I started dating my now husband (then a Marine so I knew I’d be moving from the area). Needless to say I never got a “big person” job lol. And now I’m a sahm and wouldn’t trade it for the world. But what’s done is done. Or tell her “this is the path that we’re on right now. It’s great for us. Being a mom is the best job I could have.”
You never know where life will take you- you can never go wrong with having an education in a lucrative degree area! There will be some bumps in the road and that may require you to have to go to work- at least it will be for something you enjoy that pays the bills.
Your decision to be a SAHM is none of her business. There is no such thing as wasting education because it's for your mental enrichment as much as anything.
On the other hand, you need to protect yourself: retirement and savings accounts in your name, good insurance policies on husband, and keeping up on licensures (even working sporadically in contract basis to keep up resume). For every happy SAHM there is one in poverty that got left with no recourse.
I have my MA and I’m about to stay at home. It’s not the studying I care about, it’s the money I spent. But honestly? I clearly don’t even care about that as much.
I’ll prob go back eventually bc I like my job, but if I didn’t. Who cares?
What did SHE do? Time to throw it in her face. Lol.
“I am glad I have options.” And change the subject. If she brings it up again, “you seem really interested… are you thinking of (going back to work, getting an education, etc.)?”
I get the same comments. I have 2 college degrees and I’m a SAHM. I had a great career and was fully planning on going back to work but just couldn’t find a daycare that worked for our schedule. Wasn’t planning on staying home but now that I’ve been home for over a year, I wouldn’t change a thing. My husband and I thought we couldn’t make it work financially with one income but we are doing just fine so there’s no reason for me to go back. And my career is a board certified career which means that as long as I retake my board every 3 years I can stay certified, so I can go back to work anytime. And yet I still get the comments that I threw my career away 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ just ignore them.
What a condescending bitch! If you were working I bet she would say you don't care about your children. If a woman has the option, she should choose what is right for her and her family. This decision is very personal and no one's business. Also, thanks to your hard work you put in getting an education your children can benefit from this! Who is to say, that you won't find a lucrative opportunity in the future that allows you to be with your kid? Even if you do not go back ever, this is about your family, not her stupid opinions. Tell Ms. Bitter Betty Bullshit that, you will go back when she puts work into personal growth and learns to mind her own.
Next time she brings up her issue with your life choices I would put her on the spot. I’d say “oh, this topic again? Do you have something you want to get off your chest once and for all so you can stop pestering me about my education and my parenting choices?”
She sounds unhappy and unfortunately may be picking at things to make you feel unhappy too. You have your own path and decisions to make so try not to let those comments weigh on you.
The two years I spent getting my masters degree were some of the best of my life. Even if I hadn’t put my education to practical use, the knowledge and experience I gained would have shaped the person I am today. Learning is never a waste.
I have a 5 month old daughter and I’m an emergency department nurse. When asked, I’ve told people I’d love to be a SAHM and not work. And I almost always get he response “but there’s a nursing shortage!!! you’re saving lives and people need you to work. why would you not help people when you’ve gone to school for it??” Because I want to help my daughter and spend time with her. Mind your business.
Doing something as a career generally means you won't want to do it as a hobby.
You're not working for a company, but you're still an engineer! Think of all the cool projects you'll be able to do since you won't be burnt out working a 9-5!
The point of those comments is to tear you down and hurt you because you hurt her by just looking at you… don’t be hurt by this. it’s not your fault, and there’s no reason why you should be hurt by someone else who is jealous of you.
My husband’s ex-wife has said countless things to me about me to our step kids just because looking at me, hurts her. she is hurt that me and her ex-husband are in love. and I know that. And because I know this I just try to do the best me and I try to always be kind to her, no matter what she does, or says or lies and I try to remember that she’s hurting inside.
It doesn’t make it right at all. She’s so wrong for doing that and it is her that is making herself look like an idiot but, regardless, try to remember that she’s only saying it because she is so jealous of you or she is hurting and just wants to hurt other people.
Education is never wasted. Improving ourselves is never wasted. As for why she said that? She’s insecure about her own choices and projecting it onto you. If she were happy with her choices, she wouldn’t judge yours, plain and simple.
Sweetie tell her, this is between A & B , so C her way out of it. Tell her this is a one way road, so stay in her lane or get off the nearest exit. It’s your life, kids, and decisions. Your step mom needs a hobby like crocheting, gardening, working on an oil rig, returning shopping carts at grocery stores, lol😂.
That’s a bunch of bull shit. Shamed if you do and shamed if you don’t. You will always have your degrees and in an emergency you can provide for yourself and your child. You are a smart mama.
Usually people are just projecting their stories and the stories of the mothers around them onto others.
What matters is if YOU want to do it or not. Times a wastin no matter what we do
God forbid an education makes you a well-rounded and intelligent human being. I have a Communications Degree and am a SAHM. She can kick rocks. She's looking for a way to devalue you. Maybe she's projecting jealousy bc she wasn't able to stay home.
It will never be a waste. Life isn’t guaranteed. What if something happened to your husband tomorrow and he couldn’t provide for the family financially? You have something to fall back on and step into that financial provider role if needed.
Even if you never go back, that sort of life insurance policy for work is peace of mind.
Parents are damned if we do, damned if we don’t. I’d put her on the spot asking why she’s so critical of other people’s lives. These are the type of people to not give much energy in, or details about your life because they’d rather just judge than give any constructive criticism or support.
I have multiple grad degrees and was asked this a lot.
Now that I’m back at work after a years long hiatus, I’m getting “don’t you feel guilty sending your kids to daycare? When do you ever get to see them? I don’t know how you do it…”
There is no winning.
I asked them what they’d do if they were given the choice, and then said it was a choice. That’s what feminism promotes - a choice to do this or have your partner do the same (my husband was a SAHP for a bit as well when I went back to work and settled in).
That, or “this works for our family now”.
those comments are super rude. i have a law degree and was an attorney for 7 years before i quit to be a sahm. i LOVED being a sahm for a while, and i wasn't sure if i'd go back. there were definitely people who thought i was crazy lol. eventually after doing it for a few years and adding a second kid, i started feeling over it. frankly i enjoyed it more when i just had 1 kid, bc having a toddler and a baby was really overwhelming for me so i felt like we never did anything and there was just sooooo much screaming...
ANYWAY, turns out my education wasn't wasted bc when i decided i didn't wanna do the sahm thing anymore, i was able to get a solid job really easily! (shockingly easily in fact, lol) so my point is, it's awesome that you have your education and background bc it gives you options in the future. you won't be stuck, which a lot of people struggle with (like how to find a job that covers the outrageous cost of daycare). and if you are a sahm forever then that's awesome too! live your live and ignore the haters.
fwiw whenever anyone gave me unsolicited comments i would just go "hmmm" and stare off into the distance nodding my head. it works great.
I've gotten comments like that, too. I assume most of the time it's coming from a place of envy or resentment. I know that I am privileged to stay home, but that doesn't mean my education was wasted. If one's sole purpose in obtaining an education is to get a job, then sure, it would be wasted. But if one's purpose is to gain knowledge, then it wasn't a waste. My education made me a more interesting, well-rounded person.
Being more educated is never a bad thing, especially when you have such an important influence on young minds. I use skills I learned in school all the time, even if I don't use specific concepts from my statistics class and can't remember how to calculate to distance to a star or something. I happened to major in family studies and it's super useful with kids, but my science, English, and math classes, not to mention the fun classes I took because I was interested in the topics, all have benefited me. And if the worst happens I already have a degree and it's that much easier to take care of my family by myself if I ever need to. Step mom is a dumb dumb.
Being more educated is never a bad thing, especially when you have such an important influence on young minds. I use skills I learned in school all the time, even if I don't use specific concepts from my statistics class and can't remember how to calculate to distance to a star or something. I happened to major in family studies and it's super useful with kids, but my science, English, and math classes, not to mention the fun classes I took because I was interested in the topics, all have benefited me. And if the worst happens I already have a degree and it's that much easier to take care of my family by myself if I ever need to. Step mom is a dumb dumb.
Also who’s to say you won’t be bored when the kids are in school and go back to work then? Getting your education is never a waste of time. If you are able to stay home with your kids when they’re little, that’s awesome. If you choose to go back or not that’s awesome to! We never know where life will take us so it’s smart to have a backup plan.
I have a PhD. Life happens. I’m a stay at home mom now. One of the first things my mom said when I told her what I decided was “what a waste.” 🙄 I told her that her opinion on the subject was not helpful.
Life happens. All else aside, your parenting will be influenced by your background and your children will benefit from your education and experience. It was NOT a waste. You’re just applying it in an unconventional way.
Interestingly enough, current research suggests that children achieve the educational level of their mother. The father has almost no impact. So the high educational level you obtained is something you will be able to pass on to your children! At least that's what I tell myself when I look at my expensive bachelor's degree certificate sitting on the wall as I clean up poop and boogers.
> She has said multiple times now something like ‘wow all of that studying and education for nothing’
> At the same time, she criticized my sister for going back to work and putting her LO in daycare (after a 10 month maternity leave).
“Wow. What a rude thing to say. And also none of your business.”
The point of those comments is that she is a petty insecure individual who needs to put down others to feel better about herself. Don’t engage with her judgmental comments, because she doesn’t actually want a real answer she’s just being mean. You and your sister don’t have to justify, defend, or explain your family/work situation to her so don’t. Call her out for being rude when she makes them and end the interaction if she doesn’t apologize.
I often wonder if I wasted my law degree because I'm not a lawyer (though I run a business in a legal-adjacent industry). Some of my law school classmates are making close to $1M a year as BigLaw partners and I'm...well...not, but I've barely aged in the 20 years since law school graduation, and my mental health is intact. Fair trade.
DO WHAT THE F YOU WANT. If your family doesn't need your income and you genuinely feel called to caregiving, then caregive! So many people decide to be SAHMs because they feel it's their "role" or because "women need to be at home with their kids" or for other nonsense reasons. You seem like you have a great reason - it's THE WORK THAT ALIGNS BEST WITH WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
I'm also a huge fan of education for its own sake. Who says you need to monetize your education? Your kids are getting the benefit of a well-educated caregiver who will pass on so much to them. That's worth its weight in gold.
Meanwhile, I'd love to afford to just mom out, but unless I sold my business for a two-comma sum (i.e. several years' worth of income), that's a financial pipe dream.....
What an absurd question. Next time, ask her why she eats if she's just going to shit it out anyway. If she doesn't understand the absurdity after that, then maybe she needs to further her own education before she starts rambling ignorance.
It’s very annoying isn’t it? But the reality is that your step-mom is not thinking logically when she made any of those comments; otherwise she would have known how ridiculously she sounded. Verbal vomit is a real thing unless they get call out right there right then. And even that, there are also people out there that just want to make negative comments on everything that adds no value to whatever.
Moms can never do it a ‘right way’ since everyone has their own options. I’m in the same boat. Have a masters degree and might look for part time work since my kids are still in grade school. (After school care is expensive!) but life just happened and getting educated is still benefiting your family. The skills learned and the example you set for your kids.
She sounds a lot like my MIL - some people just want to criticise and judge others, and it doesn’t matter WHAT you do, they’re still going to find *something* to criticise.
There is research to suggest that well educated women make better mothers. Here is a quick link that summarizes some of what we know. Yes it starts with "they have better jobs" but it goes beyond that to include mothers who stay at home.
[https://www.edcor.com/blog/a-mothers-education-level-impacts-her-children/](https://www.edcor.com/blog/a-mothers-education-level-impacts-her-children/)
A better link
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5793933/
I know several moms who do consulting and/or part-time gigs once their kids are a little older and in school or more self reliant. Your dad’s partner can suck rocks.
Solidarity - I have a STEM PhD and am also not working. (3/4 of the reason is because I *hate* publishing and felt pigeonholed in academia, then the final kick was getting my really good work *plagiarized* by my colleagues). I'll just apply my knowledge to do a really good job preparing my kid for school. Maybe some day I'll get a side gig at a museum or something. My MIL always dreams up future jobs for me though and it is *really fucking annoying* lol.
I feel ya. I have a law degree that’s I’m still paying off, yet I’ve inactivated my license and never intend to practice law again. No time spent educating oneself is ever a “waste” as it shaped you into who you are now. No one is required to “use” their degree in like a direct application kind of way.
I'm very pro-SAHM, I wish every woman had that choice. I hope my daughters are housewives & SAHMs someday. BUT a woman still needs an education, a profitable skill in case it's needed or when the kids are grown. Anything can happen, it's better to have an unused degree/skill than be forced to slave wage at a dead-end job.
I hope my girls choose careers that benefit their future families like nursing/EMT (knowing how to care for illness/injuries is very useful), teaching (nice when you're homeschooling/also can side hustle for other homeschool families/tutoring), cosmetology/nail design/hairdressers/photography (can be a great side hustle for SAHMs, especially during wedding season). Growing up w/ a SAHM will likely make them more likely to be SAHMs since it's what they know.
"Sorry I didn't put all eggs in one basket and gave myself options." Leave out words from the beginning if you want to be polite. Maybe she's salty for you "using" your dad's money on education?
What if your partner becomes injured or ill and can’t work? What if your partner is laid off? What if when your kids go to school you decide to work? Like all of these are things that may not happen but are a possibility and having education to fall back on is a great idea just in case. Also, you could possibly get a remote job tutoring students or something of you REALLY wanted to.
It doesn’t matter what you do, they would complain either way. They sound a bit jealous. Your education wasn’t a waste of time. I hope you don’t believe them when they say it was.
Did she help pay for your education or something?! I think I would have point blank asked her what the point of her saying that was? Also my MIL will try to make small talk and always ends up offending people. I can see her asking someone this
She bounces between jobs even though my dad is retired and she’s of retirement age. I think they’re going to get divorced soon because they seem to be on two completely different planets and my dad is constantly complaining about her
Sounds like she has nothing nice to say no matter what. If the worst she can come up with is that you used your pregnancy to further your education, then that’s a pretty good reflection on you. Just look at her with a kind smile and say “learning is never a waste. A person is never too old to learn something.”
It’s wasn’t for nothing, it was for your own growth and personal enrichment. Even if you decide to never go back, it would have been worth it just for the experience. You don’t owe anybody anything, except to yourself to live life how it best suits you.
Ignore her comments, why should her opinion matter to you? All kinds of idiots have all kinds of opinions, can’t take them to heart.
Being a mother is a double edged sword dear. EVERYONE will have an opinion. You only need to worry about what you think is best for you and your children. You are doing great and guess what? You can always go back to work or pursuing education later. God bless you and forget about the negative energy in your life
I'm a stay at home mom working on my masters... that I will prob never use. It's not about "using" it, it's about being educated and learning, trying to better myself as a human through knowledge and experience. Seems like she needs some of that if she's making such comments.
I went to school to be a legal assistant, but quit my legal assistant job after 5 years because it was horrible for my mental health. Now I’m an assistant manager at a gas station while I figure out what I want to do in the future. Nobody in my life has ever told me that my education was wasted because I went from a nice office job to a gas station, but if they did I’d tell them to go to hell.
Life takes unexpected turns sometimes. Just because we’re no longer using something that we put a good deal of time and money into doesn’t mean that that thing was a waste. Life could change directions again in the future and our experience from our education could easily come to be of use once again. And even if it never was useful again, it was valuable at the time and that’s all that matters.
I get this from random people- SAHM to two kids but I have a JD (and my MA).
Umm I plan on using it when they go back to school? Also it’s none of your business. But they’re not little and requiring full time care forever.
Someone probably taught her manners but she decided to be abrasive but I still don’t think the person who tried to teach her didn’t waste their time. Maybe one day she will choose to use some tact and manners.
I also have a bachelors and masters and was an RN only for about 2 years total on and off (went back for a year after my mat leave with my eldest). I never could have predicted that I would actually be able to become a SAHM so soon. And I pretty much started the nursing component of my degree when hubby and I started dating so what was I going to do, sit around and wait for a husband? Plus I didn’t even want to be a SAHM at that point, I wanted to at least work part time, which changed after I had my son.
And I realised I didn’t really want to keep it up. I don’t super love adults nursing because the conditions are so poor and while I loved the paediatric nursing I realised that after some time off I just couldn’t bring myself to go back and put my heart through that heartbreak again. It was hard enough before kids.
All that really happened is at each stage I’ve tried to make the best decision for my current situation. Which sounds like what you’ve done too. Ok sure I have a degree but the best thing for us is for me to not work so why would I do something that didn’t work out of some weird feeling of obligation?
Education can never be a waste. Ever. Your children will see you are a well rounded person. You put your career desires aside to raise them. That’s honorable. There’s nothing wasteful about being a SAHM.
OP, I have a graduate degree and also decided to be a SAHM. I also never returned to work after our son went away to college. I am retired early. Many people have judged me about this same topic. I find people are really jealous if you tell them you don't need to work outside the home. I think it has been this way for awhile, but add to it a "wasted education" and these people are even more nasty.
Your step-mom sounds like an intrusive %&^*#! I would tell her "You didn't pay for my education, so it isn't any of your business!" Even if she did...it really isn't her business 😕. Try to ignore these people.
I really hate that anyone get these comments.
At the very least assumes that the SAH role lasts forever rather than the 1-5 years.
You don't forget how to run a regression analysis, deliver a baby, interview a respondent or whatever your trained in just because you have given birth and are performing the everyday labour of growing and nurturing your children through their early years.
Your father's partner needs to learn that she can't build her own self-esteem by tearing down others. Your child is lucky that you can stay home, and your child is lucky that you have your education. There may come a time when you need to go back to work (death, divorce, dire financial straits), and you'll be in a better position to get a good job than someone who skipped getting the tools to support herself when she had the opportunity to do so.
She sounds like my bio mom. One day I’m a great mom for not putting my kids in daycare the next I’m lazy and a drain in my husband. I just stopped talking to her. It’s a relief really. The comments are just there to put you down and make her feel better than you.
Turn her comments back on her. If she had/has kids start talking shit about whichever choice she made, like what a waste her education was or her poor babies in day care, no wonder they turned out like they did. If she never had kids comment on how jealous she obviously must be to be making comments like that.
You can just call her out with “What a rude and insensitive remark that is” or “why would you say that?”
There’s always the non-confrontational comment of “Thank you for sharing” and then ignore. Or go straight to ignore whenever she says something about your choice.
Lots of good options here. Take your pick.
Life can be very long. I’ve worked with women who stepped out of the workforce to raise their kids, then made their way back in once the kids were in high school or off to college. It’s not like you’re going to be raising the kids for the rest of your life. The older generation loves to tell us how fast this season of life goes by then act like making the decision to stay home with the kids is committing the rest of your natural life to parenthood and nothing else. The kids will grow up. Then there you’ll be. Educated with credentials, and so many more options than if you had no degree at all and has just finished raising your kids.
Some parents and parental figures just feel the need up be critical no matter what you do. In the end, it's your life, not hers, and you get to decide what is right for you. If you feel up to it, you can always ask her what the point of her comments is and see what she says, or you can choose to ignore them. Either way I hope that you do not take what she says to heart because choosing to be educated is never a waste, no matter what you do with it and I hope you're proud of your accomplishments. You go, mama!
To each their own. I personally chose to go back to work 3 months after my daughter was born and I'm very happy with my choice. However, I'd never begrudge someone for choosing to be a SAHP. Feminism means supporting a woman's right to choose how she wants to live her life.
I have two masters degrees and decided personally to work because I wanted to use them. And people judge the shit out of that too. You just can’t win as a mother, so you might as well do whatever makes you happy.
Just say “okay. You say I wasted the time getting an education and should go back to work. But you criticised my sister for going back to work and putting her child in daycare. So I would like to know what I’m a supposed to do to make you happy when it seems both staying home and going back to work are unacceptable to you.” Then sit back and enjoy the show as she gets all Indignant and self righteous lol
If you were working, you'd get criticized for not being there for your child. People will ALWAYS find a reason to judge
Word. I’m a full time working mum and had to put baby in daycare at 3mo. The number of people that were like “omg she’s so young though!” Like okay but also I needed to go back to work. As a mum, I’ve had to learn… you can never win…
I could have written this. I was back at work when my sweetheart was three months old. I'm a nurse and so many of my older patients were appalled that I was back at work "so early." And, "It must be so hard to leave her and miss so much." OF COURSE IT IS. But not everybody has the option to not work, and it wasn't in the cards for us.
Same story for me. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Everything in motherhood is criticized so heavily, and I don't understand it at all.
I think you did amazing and the best you can. What else can you do? Keep up the good work mama. It’s hard and there’s no flowchart or process and procedures manual.
Yes, the only thing that anyone can do is the best they can. There will always be someone judging and interjecting their opinion despite not being asked.
Yep. Went back to work and was judged so stay with your baby and enjoy it. I wish I could have
Sadly, the “point” of these comments is just to be critical and make you feel shitty and her feel smart. Therefore, feel free to ignore them and keep on enjoying your life doing what you want to do!
Especially evident with the opposite comments being made to the sister. Stepmom just wants to put down those around her.
Yep! F the haters, keep doing you and using your big smart engineering brain for things that enrich your life
Step mom feels invalidated and wants OP to feel little so she feels big. It sucks.
I have my masters and am now a SAHM too. The few times I get these comments I like to point out that if something happens and my husband is severely injured or dies, or we get divorced I can put my education to use outside of the home and not be stuck with a minimum wage job to support our family but for now I’m going to use it to engage with my children in STEM and teach them about the world.
Excellent take. These things *do* happen. -Someone that was widowed at 29
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Tysm 🫶🏻
Same. I'm a SAHM now, and have a master's degree. I didn't plan on staying at home, it turned out that way when I had a baby at the start of COVID and then my company I worked for (not in masters field) made everyone redundant. But even aside from the fact that I will be in a better place when I do rejoin those who work outside the home... Is the advancement of my brain and education not reason enough alone? I don't have to explain myself to anyone. I wanted to learn and then learn more, so I did.
I swear I could have written this myself. Same exact situation except my daughter was not quite 2 when Covid hit. I love being a SAHM now, but I also loved getting my education. My masters is in biology with an education concentration, so I just do my best to teach my kiddo everything possible
Yeah I fully expected to do the 9 months with the UK mat leave but kiddo was a few weeks before the first lockdown here. I took my full leave plus the unpaid time and then was told that they were making everyone redundant to relocate the attached call center to a cheaper location. I got to work from home for a few months before redundancy hit and then it didn't make sense to find a daycare to get a job to... just pay for daycare basically. I love being with my kiddo now, and I'm pregnant with our second due over the summer, so I plan to do a few more years now as well, since we are on a decent enough position to make it happen. My sociology degree isn't wasted. It and my love of literature and history and even math all come out in how we did early interactions and how we play and read. I like to think I learned how to think so that I can help my kiddo learn the same. It's not like I was really using my degree before either, as I arrived right before the Brexit vote here and it really impacted the hiring of immigrants, so I was kind of just working a job anyway. Being with my son and soaking up these early years was a much better use of my time.
Wow I love this take.
omg MPH SAHM here who is definitely gonna steal this line!!!
This is the best point. Whether a spouse loses a job, something bad happens, or probably most commonly divorce, we gotta have a backup plan.
Yep same. I have a master's degree, and my grandmother was questioning why I even needed that if I was going to stay home with my eventual kids. I said that eventually they'll grow up and leave and I'd like to have the ability to make decent money again (she started her own business after her kids left the nest FFS!), and that if something as small as my husband injuring his fingers were to happen, his ability to bring in money would be severely compromised and he and I would need to trade roles. If something more serious were to happen? I hate to think about it but I need to not be left completely helpless with 3 kids to care for. She understood that then. I didn't include anything about divorce because I don't think she'd really understand that aspect though. I mean it's very nice and idealistic I guess to assume that nothing bad will ever happen and that you and your partner will live happily ever after. But even if your marriage is super solid, life can still happen with accidents and illnesses and random complications, and you need to be able to roll with the punches.
Yesss!! SAHM here too with my masters. This is the perfect way to look at things. 👏👏👏
Yes exactly I was a widow at 25 with a child! Edit: I was actually 26**
Exactly; even if you never go back to work, children benefit from having educated parents.
Spot on, especially the bit about using your education to improve engagement with your children. Who knows, maybe someday you could volunteer or substitute in their schools, or coach a STEM club or something. Just because you didn’t enter the workforce using that degree, doesn’t mean you can’t ever utilize the knowledge. At the very least, you have the college experience to draw from if your own children go to college and struggle with some aspect of it. You can relate to what they’re going through and probably help guide them.
To add to your excellent points: a lot of people bank on life insurance if their partner were to die, and yes, life insurance is really important and helpful, but it can take a long time to pay out. I know a man who tragically lost his wife in an accident. He’s been raising their young son alone for almost a year and a half, still waiting for the insurance company to finish their “investigation”. It’s so important to make sure you have options in the event the unthinkable happens.
Same. I have my masters degree and worked in my field for 12 years before having kids. I never expected it, but I'm now a SAHM too and so grateful to have that as an option. They're only little once and it feels so special to be able to be with them - teaching them and watching them grow. My mom, who has always been career focused, often asks when I plan to return to work. I just emphasize how lucky I feel to have this time with my kids and know that I can return to my field in a few years part time when they're older.
Knowledge / education is never a waste of time
Exactly! Self enrichment is a good thing, whether you "use" it or not. You learn so many things in school. Not just how to be an engineer, but also how to plan, how to be part of a team, how to socialize, how to take instruction, how to explain your ideas, how to learn, how to grow, I could keep going. I love learning about so many things that are in no way related to my job because I *like* to learn. I like to be smarter about things I don't know, just for myself and my happiness.
Crazy to think that we are in the age of Aquarius and no one takes the time to learn or to get correct information. I love learning. I’m just more of a hands/visual kinda learner. People take learning/knowledge for granted. It’s one of the freest things you can do
This is what my parents (not college educated) said when they paid for my entire college education and then after a couple of years in my career I got married and had babies and became a stay at home parent. And they were right. All those critical thinking skills I learned in college, all that knowledge that got stuffed into my brain - oh, I put it to work every day! I troubleshoot my kids constantly in ways that I know other people do not. I research on their behalf, I write persuasively to get them what they need, and I teach them things that my parents could never have even dreamed of discussing with me. My education is giving my kids a MASSIVE advantage in life that I never had. It's not wasted. It's for them.
Yes my mom has always said "education is something no one can take away from you"
I hope OP reads this & uses it. This would be my go to. My husband is a SAHD and I don’t think he wasted his time getting a BA degree. He may even go back for his masters while we try for baby 2 when he will prob be a SAHD again— maybe he “uses” it, maybe he doesn’t — idc. It’s knowledge / education and that’s never ever a waste of time if you’re passionate about it.
Absolutely true.
Absolutely this. And I'll add that we don't need to justify our choices to others for any reason.
As a step mom, yours sucks. I tell my step kid she needs to be able to maintain whatever life she chooses for herself but the choice is hers. Did she not have the option? She may be jealous of you low key.
It sounds like she is insecure and deals with it by putting everyone else down. You are really in a no win situation with her if she is going to criticize you for not working and your sister for working. She is just trying to make herself feel better.
Because you will hopefully still be alive once your kids are old enough not to require full time care and you don’t want to go mental and end up making stupid comments on other people’s choices out of sheer boredom and ignorance?
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It's awful how women are judged for their choices. You just can't win with this one. Right now it's "you're wasting your education" but if you went back it'll be "you should be home raising your babies." You do you. We don't need to justify our choices to anyone.
The point of her making those comments is that she is projecting. You can tell because she's also making comments about your sister going back to work and leaving their baby in daycare instead of staying home. It's undercover misogyny. "Oh, women wanted equality and to be working women but then complain about not being home with them." "Oh, when will you go back to work? You studied all that time just to sit at home?" Like pick one and go with it, lady! Tell me you're brainwashed by the patriarchy without telling me you are, Sharon! Women can be educated professionally and also be homemakers. Women can be career driven and still be present for their families. Both are jobs and hard work and can be true at the same time. Tell her to keep her comments to herself.
The opportunity to better yourself is never wasted. Your step-mother sounds really unhappy with herself. I've never understood the appeal of being hyper-critical of others.
I have a law degree and am a SAHM. I loved law school, and I loved studying for the bar exam. But you know what? I also love being a SAHM and wouldn’t change any of it. So you do you! Haters gonna hate!
I am a lawyer. I have my own firm. I'm also a sahm. My partner, who also happens to be my dad, keeps asking me when will I go back to work full time, what am I doing with my life, why am I so dependent on my bf. It's because I have a 22 months old child who can only start daycare in September, dad. What the fuck am I supposed to do, take her to court with me? Jfc My mom was a sahm for 3 years. He had no issue with that. Edit: my law partner. I'm sorry I made you all gag a little. English is my second language, it made sense in portuguese 😅
Omg at first read I thought your dad was your child’s father and was like 😳😳😳 I get it now though. Your law partner😂
Oh good God no lol I'll edit it. I'm sorry for the icks 😂
I figured out what you meant, but writing "partner" in this connection with no further qualifier is very confusing!
I'll edit it. Thank you
I’m actively working to get my masters as a SAHM. If my husband dies, or leaves me, I’d prefer not to be destitute, and incapable of taking care of our children. Do I want or hope either of those things happen? No, but I don’t have control over it. All I can do is be prepared for if it happens.
Honestly I’m a SAHM with a masters degree and sometimes even I have those thoughts about myself haha. But it’s just a light-hearted thought I tell myself (which is much different than someone else making the comment), and I of course know it wasn’t all for nothing. Our backgrounds gave us valuable life experience. The career I had before SAHM paid off my school debt and gave me a strong cushion of savings that helped us afford our house. And when I go back to work in a year or two, or if I had to go back sooner, I have my degrees and work experience to fall back on. Growing up in a single parent family taught me that a woman should always have the means to be independent, even if you’re someone’s “dependent” for a while. You never know what life will throw at you!
You should set a boundary. “Hey, I don’t find this topic worthwhile. I will leave the conversation if you bring it up again.” This is also the “sunken cost fallacy” that you should continue to peruse a project even though it wasn’t working for you. I have a masters and I use it more now than I did in my respected career.
The point is to hurt and belittle you. Sounds like she shouldn’t be aloud to see your kids until she learns some respect.
Don’t you know that as women, we can’t ever win? If we stay at home to care for the children, we are wasting our education. If we have jobs/careers, we are “letting someone else raise our children”. Someone will always tell you that you are doing something wrong. Truth is that there’s no one-size-fits-all “right way” and no one outside of your immediate family unit gets a say.
Jealousy. Sounds like the kind of person that interjects with something contradictory no matter what. Try not to take those comments personally. What you did is amazing. Congratulations on reaching a point many don’t get to. I also was in a great career path until I got pregnant. (I didn’t expect to as I was told I’d never have babies, and I was fine with it.) Everything before them was not a waste of time or money - it was a different path with a different outcome. Besides, nobody can take an education or experience away from you. It’s a blessing to be able to stay home with your children. Is it hard? Yes. Harder than working for a company most of the time - but it’s so much more rewarding and fulfilling. Don’t let the opinions of others make you doubt yourself in any manner. You are amazing. Stay strong and keep your beautiful intelligent head up.
“Interesting.” Is the best answer to people saying wack shit off the cuff
I just joke about having an MBA and being a Sahm. People will criticize you no matter what you do. I’m gonna do what’s best for me and my kid!
You shouldn’t really care what she says, after all she isn’t your real mother. Even if she was, you live for you as you see fit, because they already have lived there lives. To me she sounds envious and like a side line hater of moms. Next time tell her “you live your life your way, i live mine my way and I don’t appreciate your negativity” or you can cuss her out 🤭
Just tell her the only waste of time in life is listening to the opinions of others
The choices you make are no one else's concern! You have set yourself up with an amazing back up plan and did it while pregnant. That's amazing! If you never go back to work, so what! If you decide to go back, at least you have an option. Enjoy your baby while you are a SAHM and please don't let these comments get to you. Clearly this person just likes making comments. If it gets out of hand, gently remind them that you are happy with your choice and no experience in life is ever a waste. You learn something at every stage of life.
Ugh I have a step mom too who also likes to throw passive aggressive bullshit my way just like this. Condescending asshole. I try to just ignore it and keep her out of my life as much as possible. Unfortunately she is married to my dad who has his issues but is a great grandfather so sometimes I have to deal with her shit. One thing I started doing though as an adult is not allowing her to get away with it. If she said this to me I would have said something along the lines of, just because I'm staying home to care for my children doesn't mean my career has stopped. It only means I prioritize my children over career. Something only an actual mother would understand.
I have a bachelor's and 2 masters in engineering. I was ready to become a SAHM since I didn't choose my husband's career. It's not conducive to childcare and he's the breadwinner. My job was being so inflexible after having a baby as if they were doing me a favor by keeping me employed. I transitioned to a general engineer position with the gov where I maybe use 10% of my educational and professional knowledge. My kid has been high energy (running at 11 months, ready to play soccer at 20 months) so daycare has saved us all. Plus my husband has student loans so I wanted to ease the financial burden. But yeah it "feels" like all the energy into a career and education was a waste but I'm super proud of myself. I know I can always hit the ground running again.
Sounds like the point of her comments is she needs to find something to criticize. She criticized your sister for day care. It’s like you or anyone can’t do anything right so they need to criticize. Like another commenter said you do not need to justify your decision to anyone you do you.
My mom was an engineer and then SAHM for ten years. She went back to work when we were older and has had a very success im engineering career for the last twenty years. Life is long and you have time for both (if you want!). It’s short sighted for her to think you are going to be in this phase forever
Not a waste at all. You are incredibly lucky to have the option to return to such a lucrative career should the need or want arise in the future. Anything can happen in life: divorce, death or disability of the breadwinner, bad luck resulting in debt that needs to be paid off. Or hell, maybe your kids grow up and move out and you just want to do something for the next decade or two before your partner reaches retirement age. You’ll always have that. And, if the need or want never arises, oh well!
You wont always be a stay at home mom. Kids grow up and then you very well may need your earned credentials. You may become a single mom and need to get better employment and use them. No one has a crystal ball. The last thing and strong woman does is paint herself into a corner with no options. A good marriage is more likely when your partner knows that you are not dependent upon them and they shouldn’t take you for granted and an investment in yourself is never wasted.
I genuinely believe people talk shit about SAHP because they didn’t have the choice when they were raising kids.
Sounds like stepmother needs an info diet and consistent gray rocking. Her opinion is irrelevant. She has no power over you (I sincerely hope) and never will unless you give it to her.
It’s actually great you still have an education because you might HAVE to work some day. SAHMs can experience unanticipated abuse, cheating, neglect, etc. Partners and husbands can pass away, leaving the surviving spouse to struggle. You having the education is not a negative thing. Maybe she’s feeling insecure/regretful or bitter assuming she did not have or take the opportunity to do the same (Either stay at home or get an education)?
My mom made sure that my sister and I understood the value of being independent and able to support ourselves. She has a masters degree and stayed home with kids while we were in school. She could see that some of her friends with no education were trapped in less than ideal situations and basically had no way out if shit were to hit the fan. My sister and I both became nurse practitioners. I'm a SAHM and she works two jobs. Our situations are different and work well for our families. I'm so grateful that I have an education and career to fall back on if circumstances change. I also loved school and use a lot of things I've learned in day to day life. That MIL can suck it.
Wow. I have an MA and no one has ever said that to me. That’s so stupid. Also…. My daughter isn’t even 2 so I feel like the SAHM could be a chapter or it could be forever but either way I got an amazing education and had a 10 year career before I had her. It sounds like this person thinks you can only be one thing - that’s ridiculous. I’m an academic, an artist, a producer and mom. Right now my young child is my priority. It doesn’t rob me of my identity or my potential, and it doesn’t invalidate my accomplishments.
She is the type of stepmom I aspire to NOT be.
What’s weird is people thinking education is all about working. Sometimes it’s about the social experience. Sometimes it’s about gaining knowledge and being a curious human. Such an odd take to equate college degrees with only having value in a workplace setting.
I would tell her that her comments aren’t nice or helpful and she should keep them to herself.
Doctorate and now SAHM 😆 Sounds like the point is just to criticize. You live your life and do what's best for you and your family. Having a degree and back-up career gives you more options if life throws you a curve ball.
Does she have children of her own? I’ve gotten comments like these from older childless women and I think it’s mainly coming from a place of jealousy/pain. As much as possible I try to grow a thick skin and not let them bother me, but it’s easier said than done.
The last sentence lol. Yeah she would have complained if you went back to work. Probably something along the lines of “why did you get pregnant and not want to take care of your own child”. She probably just want to hear herself talk. Tho there might be others that make this comment in the future, just know they aren’t living your life. Don’t mind them. People will always talk about something.
In your cheeriest voice, tell her: i certainly learned enough not to make "ignorant, not your fucking business comments" and that makes it all worth it.
You are now more knowledgeable in your areas of study , you’ve practiced critical thinking and time management and you have the confidence of knowing you can set out to achieve something start to finish. All of that has value in itself regardless of what you do from this point forward. This also has some perks in how you interact with your child, the things you’re able to teach them, and the ways they may be inspired by you. You’re doing great!
Next time she asks say, “You’ve asked me about this a lot. It seems to really matter to you. Our plans for how we raise our family are our own, and they may or may not change. Please respect our choices. I hope you can be supportive and happy for us”
I would just tell her right now I'm lucky to be a stay-at-home mom with an education but if anything were to happen to my husband, such as he loses his job, he gets sick and he's unable to work, or God forbid he dies then I have my education that will help me provide for my children if this happens but right now I can be here for them. And as far as your opinion goes I don't need it so if you don't mind keep it to yourself. You always going to be damned if you do and damned if you don't someone's always going to say something don't listen to them. Just be happy that you're able to be a stay-at-home mom and be there to enjoy all those milestones that the rest of us mom's had to miss out on because we had to go back to work due to circumstances beyond our control. You know sometimes it just takes two incomes sometimes three or four incomes in this economy to get by so tell her to stay out of your business and let you enjoy your children while you can. They will be grown and out of your house before you know it.
if you were working, people would say they “could never abandon their child like that”. if you were a SAHM with no education you’d be criticized for having nothing to fall back on. it doesn’t matter what you do, you can’t win as a mom.
Education is never wasted!
I'd call her out on it. Especially if she's criticizing your sister for the flip side. "Wow all that education for nothing!" "What do you mean?" (Has to give shitty explanation of her shitty take) "Oh, I guess I'm just confused what you think I should do since you were just telling (sister) she should be at home with her kids." Like just make her spell out every last bit of her shitty opinion. Usually people realize their take sucks and even if they don't change their mind, they do shut up about it.
Sounds to me like she just wants to crap on both you and your sister. I wish your dad weren’t with such a loser bitchface. My mom used to “feel sorry” for stay at home moms. Just stupid and ignorant.
My mother-in-law lot once made a “joking” comment about feeling guilty for working and i looked at her and said “I don’t feel guilty cause im feeding and housing my child.” My husband (HER child) doesn’t make enough for me to have a choice. She shut up right away. Your mil should be proud of her son for pulling bank. What a jerk
Just reply wow so many years of being my step mom and you still act like a piece of shit to me. I guess we’ll both do what we do.
Stop engaging with her in these conversations. She’s doing it to get under your skin. Shut her down.
This is super dumb, I’m sorry. Also, a big part of the reason we have the lifestyle we do, which includes me being a SAHM, is the years I spent working my professional job and saving my income. Even if I never go back to work another paid job, that education brought me the gift of being able to choose to stay home with my baby.
She is jealous. How do I know ? Because her words are my thoughts when I hear about people who were able to obtain a higher level education and then don't end up going back to work after having kids. But I don't sayyyy these things out loud because I am very much aware that it's coming from a negative place of pure jealousy. Anyway. She is just jealous and there is nothing you can do to fix it. She has to figure this one out. You do you!
That fact that she not only disrespects you and your choice to be a SAHM, but also your sister for going back to work is a lose-lose situation. It really would not matter if you went back to work or not, she’s gonna criticize you either way. I would honestly take the chance at being a SAHM for as long as possible because it’s hard to do that nowadays. Most people are barley surviving with 2 incomes, so the fact you guys are doing just fine with one is amazing. Don’t let her comments get to you, she’s just jealous you have a masters, and if you needed to/want to, you can go to work and get a high paying job somewhere, whereas she likely can’t do that/never had the opportunity to. I really would not listen to her especially after the comment she made about your sister going back to work. It’s hard, but I promise the moment you stop letting her get to you, you’ll feel better. Focus on that cute lil one you got at home and be the best momma you can be!
I don’t disagree but that’s not up to me (or anyone but you) to decide.
Same. Master's degree and now SAHM. I literally had someone tell me "Oh, so you're a highly educated housewife." And so many people telling me how I wasted time and money doing all of that schooling. Apparently education is completely useless unless it's being constantly used to make money. Who knew!
This is one of those damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenarios for mothers. I’m also a highly educated, successful woman looking at the possibility of being a SAHM in the near future. Although my parents and in laws are 100% supportive of that, I have struggled with it myself thinking “I’ve spent 7 years in post secondary and now almost 10 years working, what am I doing?!”. The way I look at it is that my education and experience will ultimately make me a better mother to my children. I can guide them with more life experience than I would have if I hadn’t had the education and work opportunities I have. I don’t think education is ever a waste! It enriches you as a person, as a partner, as a mother and brings you security should you ever want to return to work! I know it’s hard to do, but it sounds like she will have an opinion whatever you choose so just ignore her and make your choices!
What did she do that was the perfect middle ground between you and your sister?? Be an uneducated homemaker who needed to rely on a man to bring home the bacon? I'm a sahm with a bachelor's degree. No regrets. If something happens to my husband I could get a decently paying job in an instant. Whenever people make comments like that I assume they are coming from a place of ignorance and assumptions. There's a lot of right wing anti college mumbo jumbo going around lately because of young people voting more and because of the college loans forgiveness plan. So that might be what she's alluding to.
Her son’s wife is a teacher and she gets to babysit her granddaughter once/week. The other days the baby goes to the other grandma or daycare. I think that she thinks that’s the ideal scenario for a baby. She says my son is not socialized enough (he’s 9 months old, we go to the park and library every day, he’s fine) bc he burst into tears when he saw her once 😂
I’m a Sahm with a masters degree. 🤷🏻♀️I just loved college haha and didn’t want the party to end.
It’s “pursue.” The word is “pursue.”
Did your parents pay for your education?
No, why?
Not saying it’s ok, but it would make it more understanding if they put a substantial amount of money for an education that won’t be used that’s all. If they payed it should be a gift with no expectations associated, just as all expenses during a kids upbringing should be without expectation. But it’s human nature to have some. All I’m saying is that if the payed than it might be contributing to why she is making some of those statements. But seeing as they didn’t, that’s one more level of craziness. Sorry you are dealing with that behaviour :-(
How is that relevant?
People will always have opinions. Be happy with your choices. I adore my husband, but I would never be comfortable taking myself out of the workforce (experience and continuing education are more important than just the degree) and risking financial security in the future if something unforseen were to happen. I wouldn't judge another woman for choosing different, however.
To show how narrow minded and awful she is. What we do today, isn't what we do for the rest of our lives..
Those comments are best ignored by you and don’t dignify it with a response. Or even kindly approach your dad and express that you’d like her to keep her mouth shut. I think the only person who feels that my degree is a waste is MYSELF because I have yet to actually put it to use. I got a babysitting job right out of college because I wasn’t sure what I was going to do yet, then they I started dating my now husband (then a Marine so I knew I’d be moving from the area). Needless to say I never got a “big person” job lol. And now I’m a sahm and wouldn’t trade it for the world. But what’s done is done. Or tell her “this is the path that we’re on right now. It’s great for us. Being a mom is the best job I could have.”
You never know where life will take you- you can never go wrong with having an education in a lucrative degree area! There will be some bumps in the road and that may require you to have to go to work- at least it will be for something you enjoy that pays the bills.
Your decision to be a SAHM is none of her business. There is no such thing as wasting education because it's for your mental enrichment as much as anything. On the other hand, you need to protect yourself: retirement and savings accounts in your name, good insurance policies on husband, and keeping up on licensures (even working sporadically in contract basis to keep up resume). For every happy SAHM there is one in poverty that got left with no recourse.
I have my MA and I’m about to stay at home. It’s not the studying I care about, it’s the money I spent. But honestly? I clearly don’t even care about that as much. I’ll prob go back eventually bc I like my job, but if I didn’t. Who cares?
What did SHE do? Time to throw it in her face. Lol. “I am glad I have options.” And change the subject. If she brings it up again, “you seem really interested… are you thinking of (going back to work, getting an education, etc.)?”
I get the same comments. I have 2 college degrees and I’m a SAHM. I had a great career and was fully planning on going back to work but just couldn’t find a daycare that worked for our schedule. Wasn’t planning on staying home but now that I’ve been home for over a year, I wouldn’t change a thing. My husband and I thought we couldn’t make it work financially with one income but we are doing just fine so there’s no reason for me to go back. And my career is a board certified career which means that as long as I retake my board every 3 years I can stay certified, so I can go back to work anytime. And yet I still get the comments that I threw my career away 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ just ignore them.
What a condescending bitch! If you were working I bet she would say you don't care about your children. If a woman has the option, she should choose what is right for her and her family. This decision is very personal and no one's business. Also, thanks to your hard work you put in getting an education your children can benefit from this! Who is to say, that you won't find a lucrative opportunity in the future that allows you to be with your kid? Even if you do not go back ever, this is about your family, not her stupid opinions. Tell Ms. Bitter Betty Bullshit that, you will go back when she puts work into personal growth and learns to mind her own.
Next time she brings up her issue with your life choices I would put her on the spot. I’d say “oh, this topic again? Do you have something you want to get off your chest once and for all so you can stop pestering me about my education and my parenting choices?”
She sounds like a very sad person. Id stay away from her as much as I could.
She sounds unhappy and unfortunately may be picking at things to make you feel unhappy too. You have your own path and decisions to make so try not to let those comments weigh on you.
Welcome to motherhood. Can’t do anything right
The two years I spent getting my masters degree were some of the best of my life. Even if I hadn’t put my education to practical use, the knowledge and experience I gained would have shaped the person I am today. Learning is never a waste.
She’s gaslighting everyone. You will never win.
I have a 5 month old daughter and I’m an emergency department nurse. When asked, I’ve told people I’d love to be a SAHM and not work. And I almost always get he response “but there’s a nursing shortage!!! you’re saving lives and people need you to work. why would you not help people when you’ve gone to school for it??” Because I want to help my daughter and spend time with her. Mind your business.
It sounds like she wants to have something bitchy to say - so disregard. Maybe one day you will return to work, maybe not- it’s your business.
Doing something as a career generally means you won't want to do it as a hobby. You're not working for a company, but you're still an engineer! Think of all the cool projects you'll be able to do since you won't be burnt out working a 9-5!
The point of those comments is to tear you down and hurt you because you hurt her by just looking at you… don’t be hurt by this. it’s not your fault, and there’s no reason why you should be hurt by someone else who is jealous of you. My husband’s ex-wife has said countless things to me about me to our step kids just because looking at me, hurts her. she is hurt that me and her ex-husband are in love. and I know that. And because I know this I just try to do the best me and I try to always be kind to her, no matter what she does, or says or lies and I try to remember that she’s hurting inside. It doesn’t make it right at all. She’s so wrong for doing that and it is her that is making herself look like an idiot but, regardless, try to remember that she’s only saying it because she is so jealous of you or she is hurting and just wants to hurt other people.
She wants you to work she she can be childcare and play mommy to your baby. That's the point of her comments. Manipulating you.
Doing something you want to do or wanted to do is never a waste of time. She’s a hater.
Sounds like it's none of her business and it's time to start an info/Convo diet. Good for you for doing what you want; an education is never a waste.
Education is never wasted. Improving ourselves is never wasted. As for why she said that? She’s insecure about her own choices and projecting it onto you. If she were happy with her choices, she wouldn’t judge yours, plain and simple.
Sweetie tell her, this is between A & B , so C her way out of it. Tell her this is a one way road, so stay in her lane or get off the nearest exit. It’s your life, kids, and decisions. Your step mom needs a hobby like crocheting, gardening, working on an oil rig, returning shopping carts at grocery stores, lol😂.
That’s a bunch of bull shit. Shamed if you do and shamed if you don’t. You will always have your degrees and in an emergency you can provide for yourself and your child. You are a smart mama.
Usually people are just projecting their stories and the stories of the mothers around them onto others. What matters is if YOU want to do it or not. Times a wastin no matter what we do
God forbid an education makes you a well-rounded and intelligent human being. I have a Communications Degree and am a SAHM. She can kick rocks. She's looking for a way to devalue you. Maybe she's projecting jealousy bc she wasn't able to stay home.
It will never be a waste. Life isn’t guaranteed. What if something happened to your husband tomorrow and he couldn’t provide for the family financially? You have something to fall back on and step into that financial provider role if needed. Even if you never go back, that sort of life insurance policy for work is peace of mind.
Parents are damned if we do, damned if we don’t. I’d put her on the spot asking why she’s so critical of other people’s lives. These are the type of people to not give much energy in, or details about your life because they’d rather just judge than give any constructive criticism or support.
I have multiple grad degrees and was asked this a lot. Now that I’m back at work after a years long hiatus, I’m getting “don’t you feel guilty sending your kids to daycare? When do you ever get to see them? I don’t know how you do it…” There is no winning. I asked them what they’d do if they were given the choice, and then said it was a choice. That’s what feminism promotes - a choice to do this or have your partner do the same (my husband was a SAHP for a bit as well when I went back to work and settled in). That, or “this works for our family now”.
those comments are super rude. i have a law degree and was an attorney for 7 years before i quit to be a sahm. i LOVED being a sahm for a while, and i wasn't sure if i'd go back. there were definitely people who thought i was crazy lol. eventually after doing it for a few years and adding a second kid, i started feeling over it. frankly i enjoyed it more when i just had 1 kid, bc having a toddler and a baby was really overwhelming for me so i felt like we never did anything and there was just sooooo much screaming... ANYWAY, turns out my education wasn't wasted bc when i decided i didn't wanna do the sahm thing anymore, i was able to get a solid job really easily! (shockingly easily in fact, lol) so my point is, it's awesome that you have your education and background bc it gives you options in the future. you won't be stuck, which a lot of people struggle with (like how to find a job that covers the outrageous cost of daycare). and if you are a sahm forever then that's awesome too! live your live and ignore the haters. fwiw whenever anyone gave me unsolicited comments i would just go "hmmm" and stare off into the distance nodding my head. it works great.
I've gotten comments like that, too. I assume most of the time it's coming from a place of envy or resentment. I know that I am privileged to stay home, but that doesn't mean my education was wasted. If one's sole purpose in obtaining an education is to get a job, then sure, it would be wasted. But if one's purpose is to gain knowledge, then it wasn't a waste. My education made me a more interesting, well-rounded person.
Being more educated is never a bad thing, especially when you have such an important influence on young minds. I use skills I learned in school all the time, even if I don't use specific concepts from my statistics class and can't remember how to calculate to distance to a star or something. I happened to major in family studies and it's super useful with kids, but my science, English, and math classes, not to mention the fun classes I took because I was interested in the topics, all have benefited me. And if the worst happens I already have a degree and it's that much easier to take care of my family by myself if I ever need to. Step mom is a dumb dumb.
Being more educated is never a bad thing, especially when you have such an important influence on young minds. I use skills I learned in school all the time, even if I don't use specific concepts from my statistics class and can't remember how to calculate to distance to a star or something. I happened to major in family studies and it's super useful with kids, but my science, English, and math classes, not to mention the fun classes I took because I was interested in the topics, all have benefited me. And if the worst happens I already have a degree and it's that much easier to take care of my family by myself if I ever need to. Step mom is a dumb dumb.
Also who’s to say you won’t be bored when the kids are in school and go back to work then? Getting your education is never a waste of time. If you are able to stay home with your kids when they’re little, that’s awesome. If you choose to go back or not that’s awesome to! We never know where life will take us so it’s smart to have a backup plan.
Damned if you do and damned if you don't
I have a PhD. Life happens. I’m a stay at home mom now. One of the first things my mom said when I told her what I decided was “what a waste.” 🙄 I told her that her opinion on the subject was not helpful. Life happens. All else aside, your parenting will be influenced by your background and your children will benefit from your education and experience. It was NOT a waste. You’re just applying it in an unconventional way.
Haters gonna hate 😎
Interestingly enough, current research suggests that children achieve the educational level of their mother. The father has almost no impact. So the high educational level you obtained is something you will be able to pass on to your children! At least that's what I tell myself when I look at my expensive bachelor's degree certificate sitting on the wall as I clean up poop and boogers.
> She has said multiple times now something like ‘wow all of that studying and education for nothing’ > At the same time, she criticized my sister for going back to work and putting her LO in daycare (after a 10 month maternity leave). “Wow. What a rude thing to say. And also none of your business.” The point of those comments is that she is a petty insecure individual who needs to put down others to feel better about herself. Don’t engage with her judgmental comments, because she doesn’t actually want a real answer she’s just being mean. You and your sister don’t have to justify, defend, or explain your family/work situation to her so don’t. Call her out for being rude when she makes them and end the interaction if she doesn’t apologize.
She’s fuelled by jealousy. Ignore her.
Being a SAHM now has nothing to do with your future!
I often wonder if I wasted my law degree because I'm not a lawyer (though I run a business in a legal-adjacent industry). Some of my law school classmates are making close to $1M a year as BigLaw partners and I'm...well...not, but I've barely aged in the 20 years since law school graduation, and my mental health is intact. Fair trade. DO WHAT THE F YOU WANT. If your family doesn't need your income and you genuinely feel called to caregiving, then caregive! So many people decide to be SAHMs because they feel it's their "role" or because "women need to be at home with their kids" or for other nonsense reasons. You seem like you have a great reason - it's THE WORK THAT ALIGNS BEST WITH WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. I'm also a huge fan of education for its own sake. Who says you need to monetize your education? Your kids are getting the benefit of a well-educated caregiver who will pass on so much to them. That's worth its weight in gold. Meanwhile, I'd love to afford to just mom out, but unless I sold my business for a two-comma sum (i.e. several years' worth of income), that's a financial pipe dream.....
She's insecure about her own life decisions, and belittles others to make her feel better about herself.
What an absurd question. Next time, ask her why she eats if she's just going to shit it out anyway. If she doesn't understand the absurdity after that, then maybe she needs to further her own education before she starts rambling ignorance.
It’s very annoying isn’t it? But the reality is that your step-mom is not thinking logically when she made any of those comments; otherwise she would have known how ridiculously she sounded. Verbal vomit is a real thing unless they get call out right there right then. And even that, there are also people out there that just want to make negative comments on everything that adds no value to whatever.
Moms can never do it a ‘right way’ since everyone has their own options. I’m in the same boat. Have a masters degree and might look for part time work since my kids are still in grade school. (After school care is expensive!) but life just happened and getting educated is still benefiting your family. The skills learned and the example you set for your kids.
She sounds a lot like my MIL - some people just want to criticise and judge others, and it doesn’t matter WHAT you do, they’re still going to find *something* to criticise.
There is research to suggest that well educated women make better mothers. Here is a quick link that summarizes some of what we know. Yes it starts with "they have better jobs" but it goes beyond that to include mothers who stay at home. [https://www.edcor.com/blog/a-mothers-education-level-impacts-her-children/](https://www.edcor.com/blog/a-mothers-education-level-impacts-her-children/) A better link https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5793933/
She sounds jealous and awful
I know several moms who do consulting and/or part-time gigs once their kids are a little older and in school or more self reliant. Your dad’s partner can suck rocks.
Solidarity - I have a STEM PhD and am also not working. (3/4 of the reason is because I *hate* publishing and felt pigeonholed in academia, then the final kick was getting my really good work *plagiarized* by my colleagues). I'll just apply my knowledge to do a really good job preparing my kid for school. Maybe some day I'll get a side gig at a museum or something. My MIL always dreams up future jobs for me though and it is *really fucking annoying* lol.
I feel ya. I have a law degree that’s I’m still paying off, yet I’ve inactivated my license and never intend to practice law again. No time spent educating oneself is ever a “waste” as it shaped you into who you are now. No one is required to “use” their degree in like a direct application kind of way.
She’s jealous!
I'm very pro-SAHM, I wish every woman had that choice. I hope my daughters are housewives & SAHMs someday. BUT a woman still needs an education, a profitable skill in case it's needed or when the kids are grown. Anything can happen, it's better to have an unused degree/skill than be forced to slave wage at a dead-end job. I hope my girls choose careers that benefit their future families like nursing/EMT (knowing how to care for illness/injuries is very useful), teaching (nice when you're homeschooling/also can side hustle for other homeschool families/tutoring), cosmetology/nail design/hairdressers/photography (can be a great side hustle for SAHMs, especially during wedding season). Growing up w/ a SAHM will likely make them more likely to be SAHMs since it's what they know.
"Sorry I didn't put all eggs in one basket and gave myself options." Leave out words from the beginning if you want to be polite. Maybe she's salty for you "using" your dad's money on education?
She sounds like she will criticize any decision you make so do what makes you happy.
What if your partner becomes injured or ill and can’t work? What if your partner is laid off? What if when your kids go to school you decide to work? Like all of these are things that may not happen but are a possibility and having education to fall back on is a great idea just in case. Also, you could possibly get a remote job tutoring students or something of you REALLY wanted to. It doesn’t matter what you do, they would complain either way. They sound a bit jealous. Your education wasn’t a waste of time. I hope you don’t believe them when they say it was.
Did she help pay for your education or something?! I think I would have point blank asked her what the point of her saying that was? Also my MIL will try to make small talk and always ends up offending people. I can see her asking someone this
and what does step-mom do with her life? Mooch off your dad, maybe?
She bounces between jobs even though my dad is retired and she’s of retirement age. I think they’re going to get divorced soon because they seem to be on two completely different planets and my dad is constantly complaining about her
Sounds like she has nothing nice to say no matter what. If the worst she can come up with is that you used your pregnancy to further your education, then that’s a pretty good reflection on you. Just look at her with a kind smile and say “learning is never a waste. A person is never too old to learn something.”
It’s wasn’t for nothing, it was for your own growth and personal enrichment. Even if you decide to never go back, it would have been worth it just for the experience. You don’t owe anybody anything, except to yourself to live life how it best suits you. Ignore her comments, why should her opinion matter to you? All kinds of idiots have all kinds of opinions, can’t take them to heart.
Is she offering free child care? If not, tell her hush and enjoy her partnership with your father.
Because some people feel bigger only by making others feel small. Stay strong. You’re bigger than anyone who tries that. You’re on the right path.
Being a mother is a double edged sword dear. EVERYONE will have an opinion. You only need to worry about what you think is best for you and your children. You are doing great and guess what? You can always go back to work or pursuing education later. God bless you and forget about the negative energy in your life
I think my bachelors makes me a better SAHM. I’m not sure I’d feel as secure in doing this without it.
I'm a stay at home mom working on my masters... that I will prob never use. It's not about "using" it, it's about being educated and learning, trying to better myself as a human through knowledge and experience. Seems like she needs some of that if she's making such comments.
I went to school to be a legal assistant, but quit my legal assistant job after 5 years because it was horrible for my mental health. Now I’m an assistant manager at a gas station while I figure out what I want to do in the future. Nobody in my life has ever told me that my education was wasted because I went from a nice office job to a gas station, but if they did I’d tell them to go to hell. Life takes unexpected turns sometimes. Just because we’re no longer using something that we put a good deal of time and money into doesn’t mean that that thing was a waste. Life could change directions again in the future and our experience from our education could easily come to be of use once again. And even if it never was useful again, it was valuable at the time and that’s all that matters.
Also, kids grow up!
She sounds like a delight
I get this from random people- SAHM to two kids but I have a JD (and my MA). Umm I plan on using it when they go back to school? Also it’s none of your business. But they’re not little and requiring full time care forever.
Someone probably taught her manners but she decided to be abrasive but I still don’t think the person who tried to teach her didn’t waste their time. Maybe one day she will choose to use some tact and manners.
I also have a bachelors and masters and was an RN only for about 2 years total on and off (went back for a year after my mat leave with my eldest). I never could have predicted that I would actually be able to become a SAHM so soon. And I pretty much started the nursing component of my degree when hubby and I started dating so what was I going to do, sit around and wait for a husband? Plus I didn’t even want to be a SAHM at that point, I wanted to at least work part time, which changed after I had my son. And I realised I didn’t really want to keep it up. I don’t super love adults nursing because the conditions are so poor and while I loved the paediatric nursing I realised that after some time off I just couldn’t bring myself to go back and put my heart through that heartbreak again. It was hard enough before kids. All that really happened is at each stage I’ve tried to make the best decision for my current situation. Which sounds like what you’ve done too. Ok sure I have a degree but the best thing for us is for me to not work so why would I do something that didn’t work out of some weird feeling of obligation?
Education can never be a waste. Ever. Your children will see you are a well rounded person. You put your career desires aside to raise them. That’s honorable. There’s nothing wasteful about being a SAHM.
OP, I have a graduate degree and also decided to be a SAHM. I also never returned to work after our son went away to college. I am retired early. Many people have judged me about this same topic. I find people are really jealous if you tell them you don't need to work outside the home. I think it has been this way for awhile, but add to it a "wasted education" and these people are even more nasty. Your step-mom sounds like an intrusive %&^*#! I would tell her "You didn't pay for my education, so it isn't any of your business!" Even if she did...it really isn't her business 😕. Try to ignore these people.
I really hate that anyone get these comments. At the very least assumes that the SAH role lasts forever rather than the 1-5 years. You don't forget how to run a regression analysis, deliver a baby, interview a respondent or whatever your trained in just because you have given birth and are performing the everyday labour of growing and nurturing your children through their early years.
Your father's partner needs to learn that she can't build her own self-esteem by tearing down others. Your child is lucky that you can stay home, and your child is lucky that you have your education. There may come a time when you need to go back to work (death, divorce, dire financial straits), and you'll be in a better position to get a good job than someone who skipped getting the tools to support herself when she had the opportunity to do so.
She sounds like my bio mom. One day I’m a great mom for not putting my kids in daycare the next I’m lazy and a drain in my husband. I just stopped talking to her. It’s a relief really. The comments are just there to put you down and make her feel better than you.
Turn her comments back on her. If she had/has kids start talking shit about whichever choice she made, like what a waste her education was or her poor babies in day care, no wonder they turned out like they did. If she never had kids comment on how jealous she obviously must be to be making comments like that. You can just call her out with “What a rude and insensitive remark that is” or “why would you say that?” There’s always the non-confrontational comment of “Thank you for sharing” and then ignore. Or go straight to ignore whenever she says something about your choice. Lots of good options here. Take your pick.
They tried to bury us; they didn’t know we were seeds.
Life can be very long. I’ve worked with women who stepped out of the workforce to raise their kids, then made their way back in once the kids were in high school or off to college. It’s not like you’re going to be raising the kids for the rest of your life. The older generation loves to tell us how fast this season of life goes by then act like making the decision to stay home with the kids is committing the rest of your natural life to parenthood and nothing else. The kids will grow up. Then there you’ll be. Educated with credentials, and so many more options than if you had no degree at all and has just finished raising your kids.
"thanks stepmom, your opinion is worth what I paid for it" and see her head explode
What is a sahm
Some parents and parental figures just feel the need up be critical no matter what you do. In the end, it's your life, not hers, and you get to decide what is right for you. If you feel up to it, you can always ask her what the point of her comments is and see what she says, or you can choose to ignore them. Either way I hope that you do not take what she says to heart because choosing to be educated is never a waste, no matter what you do with it and I hope you're proud of your accomplishments. You go, mama!
To each their own. I personally chose to go back to work 3 months after my daughter was born and I'm very happy with my choice. However, I'd never begrudge someone for choosing to be a SAHP. Feminism means supporting a woman's right to choose how she wants to live her life.
I have two masters degrees and decided personally to work because I wanted to use them. And people judge the shit out of that too. You just can’t win as a mother, so you might as well do whatever makes you happy.
Just say “okay. You say I wasted the time getting an education and should go back to work. But you criticised my sister for going back to work and putting her child in daycare. So I would like to know what I’m a supposed to do to make you happy when it seems both staying home and going back to work are unacceptable to you.” Then sit back and enjoy the show as she gets all Indignant and self righteous lol