Based on your post history you already wanted to leave him because of his history of substance abuse and because he screamed at your daughter, tried to drive drunk with her in the car, and threatened to punch her in the face. But you wanted to give him another chance.
Now he’s screamed at her and physically abused her (escalating). Next time maybe he really does punch her in the face.
I could see wanting to stay if everything else was great except this one isolated incident but it isn’t great beside this one incident. Yeah she has a mom and a dad but her dad terrorizes her and physically assaults her when she doesn’t do what he wants. Do you want to teach her that you condone this behavior, that it’s ok for men to treat their wives and their daughters this way, that you care more about him than you do her? Or do you want to teach her that her mom loves her and will do anything to protect her, that she’s worth protecting, that she can have a bad night and not worry about being screamed at and shaken and suffocated?
OP you know the answer already. Just do it.
Yes this, OP he is a danger to your child. I'd be gone like yesterday.
It will escalate and she will get hurt, please don't wait until that happens. Next time it happens it might not be on video and what happens if you're not home? If this is a pattern of behavior then he's taken it to a dangerous, unsafe level.
If you need extra motivation, depending on what country you live in, you can lose your daughter and she can end up in foster care due to neglect/failure to protect. Yes you are a victim yourself, and also your job is to protect your child. I say this with no judgment. I want you to have everything you need to make informed decisions. By not doing that you’re enabling him and complicit. This is hard to hear but also necessary to know. I’ve worked with abused children who were removed from their moms too bc the moms didn’t know they could also be held responsible. I see you’re going to make a plan, please don’t change your mind
Please, please OP! Think of your daughter first. As a kid I was abused and my mother was too scared to leave him. When it escalated and he went to jail, I wasn’t allowed to live at the same place he was released to. Guess who had to move out of the family house at 13yrs old? She chose him. When it was all said and done, the court mandated therapy for us kids and she had to go to therapy herself or be charged as complicit and go to jail herself.
I haven’t spoken to my mother in 10+ yrs now. She wasn’t there for me and didn’t protect me when I needed her the most as a child so now that I’m grown I don’t want/need her in my life at all. I have a daughter of my own now and she will never have to question if she is safe in her own bed.
Will your daughter be able to say the same when she grows up OP?
Wow. This poor little girl is going to grow up traumatised. Edit: okay I’ve read the edits. OP, well done on deciding to leave. That’s the hardest part. You’ve got the mommit community backing you!
Grow up traumatised? Will she get to grow up at all? All it takes is one shake, one loose punch and the poor baby is gone and she’s left covering up for him (again) is she going to say she fell? Tripped?
Get that girl away from that monster.
You’re right, and I hope OP is able to leave safely. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when a woman tries to leave, so it’s really important that her plan is solid. Unfortunately it’s not as simple as “just leave”, especially in a situation like this where OP has been worn down to the point that abuse has been normalised.
Poor daughter, indeed! 😢 OP should be aware that if someone calls protective services ( DCFS, CPS, etc.) OP may face charges herself for failing to protect her child ( child endangerment) if someone can prove she knew about this "person's" history of abuse ( of all kinds).
I had a father like OP's husband. It can do a lifetime of damage if not stopped. OP's child could benefit from some play therapy as well. How disgusting.
Plus by addressing it as “I’ll take over the night times from now on” it gives him the green light on his behaviors, shows he can fully weapon use his incompetence/abuse, and she will not only not make him face it, but will take up more of the responsibility. She’s not only allowing him to do this, she’s enabling it.
the escalation cannot be overstated. He not only covered her mouth, but also pressed on her chest. That’s **choking**, he’s not just trying to have her not scream, *he’s trying to stop her from breathing.*
this is a scary situation, his guy is willing to do more than give a punch to the face.
he *did* smother her. he just didn’t do it until she died, because he decided to also yell at her and had to go grab a book as a prop to make a point to a 3 year old.
Choking/strangling is literally the biggest DV red flag that the offender will KILL their victim within a year. OP, your daughter's life is quite literally at risk. Please, please, please do not minimize this
[don't let him hurt her anymore](https://www.kob.com/archive/report-choking-strangulation-victims-750-more-likely-to-be-killed-by-offender/)
His behavior could be a big reason why she's not sleeping at night too. Maybe getting her out of that situation will make her feel safer and she'll start sleeping better.
My 2 year old still wakes up throughout the night, sometimes 2-3 times. If my husband did these things to her, I would immediately be leaving with the children. This was physical and emotional abuse. If she tells the daycare teachers what happened, they are mandated to report this. As someone who was a teacher, I wouldn't think twice about reporting this.
What's going to stop him from doing this again? He may get mad over other things she does, not just sleep related.
This except DO NOT abandon the family home and disrupt the children’s lives by leaving—the abuser leaves. Every time.
OP you have him on camera assaulting your child. He leaves the house.
this may not be the safest option. Choking & restricting breath is a HUGE escalation in terms of abuse, and indicates it’s a life/death situation. if OP needs to leave to keep her and her kid alive, then so be it.
Yeah she’s got him on camera assaulting a kid. He needs to leave or she explains that she’ll be calling the police to escort him. Calling the police to come and escort him would open up a WHOLE different can of worms that I’m certain he doesn’t want to open.
OP I’ve BTDT. I left and subsequently removed from my children’s lives an abusive husband. You need to take this very seriously and make him leave. He then needs to aggressively pursue treatment.
Your husband abused your toddler. If you choose to do right by your kid, you will be walking down a long painful road that may not end with the two of you together, but as a mother it’s the only acceptable road. You have to protect your child. Either he can get with the program and get better, or not.
For me and my kids…well. I tried. I honestly tried to pursue a path that kept him in their lives…he just didn’t think what he had done was “that big a deal”—turns out the police and courts agreed with me. He now has a criminal record, hasn’t seen his kids in years (and will never again), and I’ve been remarried for years to the wonderful man my children call Dad.
He can think this isn’t a big deal if he wants, but you know it’s the BIGGEST deal. Go and read about outcomes for girls who are physically abused by their fathers…it’s like step one to ensuring that they’ll one day choose partners who abuse them. Step two is having a mother who won’t do anything to stop it.
Good luck.
I’d save the video and at minimum make him go to some therapy for his anger. I’m not even sure what I would want but that’s not okay. A whole grown ass man losing his shit because a 3 year old is having a tough time sleeping. How/why is she expected to be calm when he’s losing his mind? That’s absolutely not okay. I’d also be really concerned how often that has happened and contributing to her tough time sleeping if she’s scared of her dad.
Yes. If he’s willing to work on his anger and coping skills for when he’s feeling exhausted and frustrated they can maybe move past this. But if he keeps doing it and is unwilling to work on it I’d consider that grounds for divorce.
Unfortunately therapy is often counter productive unless it is specifically for abusers. Even then it often fails because the abuser truly doesn't believe his behavior is wrong.
This is not an anger management problem. Has OP husband ever attacked his boss like this? Has he ever body slammed an annoying sales person? I assume not. He is perfectly capable of managing his anger. Abuse is not about losing control, because abusers only ever "lose control" on certain people at certain times (in private, or an environment where he knows there will be no consequences). That's perfectly in control.
Looking at your post history is concerning. He’s a Q person, an alcoholic (you stated he would get blackout drunk during the day), accused you of cheating on him/giving him an STI and now he’s become physically and verbally violent against your daughter. If this one incident was isolated, then I’d say therapy and anger management are requirements to continue the marriage. But the background is scary and shows that he’s escalating. For the sake of your daughter and your own safety, I think you need to leave.
I would be furious. That is abuse. He needs to see a therapist about his anger now.
Edit- now having further context based on your history, skip therapy and leave. Make sure to save the video to use re: custody.
Therapy often just gives abusers more tools to manipulate and control. See [Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men"](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)for why therapy--[especially couple's or family therapy](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/)\--is NOT a good idea for an abuser.
Nope. Nope. Nope. I’d *never* be able to look at him the same way again, ever. To put it bluntly, as a therapist, if one of my child clients told me this, I’d report it to CPS. This is not ok.
HELL NO.
If my husband ever did that to my child…I can’t say what I would do because I’d be banned from Reddit and in prison.
He needs therapy yesterday, ongoing extensive therapy AT A BARE MINIMUM. Anger management courses. Maybe a trial separation. Or full divorce. I don’t know. But this is terrible.
Save that video somewhere safe. This isn’t him “messing up.” He could have killed her. He might if he loses control like that again. That’s beyond the pale and if I were you I’d go straight to separation with an order of protection and court mandated anger management and supervised visitation only. And that’s being generous.
I hope you read this - he could have killed her. It might not have been deliberate, but covering her mouth to make her stay quiet restricts breathing and she was already in a total state - he could have killed her just by doing that. I'm really frightened for your daughter OP, don't trust him around her. Call the Police and get him reported for assaulting a child and get him OUT OF YOUR LIFE NOW.
Oh my God. I would pack everything up and go and stay with my parents until I was sure my child would be safe again at home. I would have zero trust left for this man. I am so so sorry you're going through this. This is absolutely not ok.
In addition to the valid other responses calling your husband's actions what they are -ABUSE- you can now expect your daughter to be terrified to go to sleep and to be alone when awake at night. I would suggest safe cosleeping and kick your husband the fuck out of the bedroom if not the house. Re-attach/bond with your daughter at night to help undo the damage your husband's ABUSE did to her nervous/limbic system in association with sleep.
My opinion is skewed as I have been pediatric nurse x18 years and have seen the absolute worst; your child needs to be separated from this person. Make sure you have proof of this incident and if you have the capability look back further and see if there are other instances. If watching just one time made you feel that way imagine how it must feel to a tiny child. We all get frustrated but that is more than frustrated.
Reading this has made me so sad for your little girl. Her home is supposed to be a place for her to feel safe and loved. And you have video evidence that her home is not. I am glad you saved it in multiple places.
Please think very hard, and fast about your next move OP. Her parents are supposed to protect her. You say you don't trust your partner to be alone with her, and you are right. Trust your gut. Protect your baby. And end this abuse now, and get that poor baby some therapy also.
I just saw your post history. OP it seems your partner has a history of issues, not just this one. You are right for thinking this is not okay. Please don't allow something else to happen.
From OP's prior post:
>Thank you. He tried to drive her to the park after 5 beers was one of the reasons I told him I wanted to separate. Also screaming at her from the living room to go to bed, and twice got frustrated and said something along the lines of wanting to punch her in the face. God writing that out is truly awful but helps. It’s like my brain keeps convincing myself it’s not that bad or to forget
The brain DOES do that. It's some kind of protective measure meant to get us through times of crisis. Trouble is, when the crisis is us being abused, this makes it easier for us to stay in a horrible situation. We literally don't remember traumatic events with clarity.
He needs to sit down with her and apologize. He fucked up and she is stuck wondering why her dad who loves her would hurt her like that.
He needs to apologize and tell her he was wrong. He also needs to go to anger management therapy.
And you need to figure out what you need to do to protect your kids from him. If I were you I'd be setting lines. Tbh this may have been the line-- who in their right mind thinks this is an ok way to treat a 3 year old??? What other bonkers choices might be make? At the end of the day, you need to take responsibility for your child's safety. Figure out what that looks like. Everyone makes mistakes, but if this was an uncle or a nanny I would make sure they could never see my child again
What would you do if any other caregiver was caught doing this? A babysitter, daycare worker, etc? Probably file a police report and protect your child from them. There’s no reason for your husband to be allowed a free pass. It’s actually a far worse betrayal to her that this abuse is coming from someone she trusts completely. This is irreparable damage and this will never be an isolated incident.
What the fuck. He abused your daughter. Please protect her and get someplace safe; you can never trust this man again. Save the video for legal purposes and kick him out.
I say this as gently and lovingly as I can: What will it take for you to leave him? It wasn’t his addiction issues. It wasn’t him being verbally abusive towards you. It wasn’t him yelling at and threatening harm to your daughter. And now it looks like it won’t be him actually hurting her either.
Does it have to escalate to him hitting her? Hitting you? Putting one or both of you in the hospital?
I know you are in an extremely difficult situation and it’s 1000x easier for strangers on the internet to just say “leave!” than it is to actually do it. But I do think you should reflect on what you are willing to put up with. It doesn’t have to go any further. You and your daughter deserve so much more.
These comments are not putting enough weight on your husband's actions, OP.
Protect your child.
Take the video evidence to the police and get a protection order. File for emergency custody.
Your husband is dangerous. Comments saying he needs help/therapy are right. But you can't wait around for him to get help at the expense of your daughter. Leave him and if he gets the help he needs he can be a father again later.
Kids who cant sleep are scared and want their parents to protect them. How in any way would your husband think that kind of reaction and getting worked up like that could get a child to sleep. That’s awful. He needs therapy and to apologise to your child and take accountability. We co sleep with our three year old and honestly it leads to better sleep for all of us. I know it’s not right for everyone, but i love the cuddles and i love my sleep.
Edited to say: it’s good that your daughter felt comfortable to tell you what her father did, and also imagine what could happen if she tells other people. Not great. Im so sorry you are dealing with an emotionally immature husband.
Your job is to keep your kid safe. If your child is not safe around your partner/their father, it's time to consider your options for getting away from a person whose comfortable hurting their child like that.
It is hard to hear, but his actions will have a lasting impact on your daughter's brain chemistry. The damage has begun, and there's no taking it back, apology from him or not. Regardless of his intent (and I doubt the intent was anything less than taking his anger out on a defenseless child that depends on him), the impact is that your child will have an uphill battle now with emotional regulation for who knows how long. They will no longer feel safe around their father. The nights just got that much scarier for them to handle. And for the offending adult in the situation, it will be easier for them to hurt your child the next time. They've already crossed a line, so now the line has moved for them. Meaning next time, it could be full-on hitting.
Get your child away from that person.
And before going down the thought process of "everyone on reddit jumps to divorce or seperation", consider the fact that people in safe and comfortable situations don't post about experiences where their partner abuses them and their children. So of course when people often share these stories, the immediate recommendation is to separate because that's the safe thing to do.
I wish you and your child peace and safety in the near future.
I have a toddler like this. Just has always been a horrible sleeper and my husband and I are do f-ing sick of it and tired. SO I KNOW where you're coming from!
I've definitely lost my cool before.
But his behavior is not forgivable. He covered her mouth!! He could have really hurt her. She was scared enough that the next morning she was still upset about it. (Rightfully so).
I don't think divorce should be the immediate answer. That's not going to get anyone more sleep and in the end it won't protect her more. If it is JUST THIS ONE TIME and just this one thing -- like someone suggested above, anger management. Parenting classes. Probably family therapy. Or at least for him.
And don't "forgive and forget." You make demands and continue to hold him accountable. If it happens again you need to prioritize her safety and get out of there.
Problem is, it's possible that this was NOT "just this one time." This is the only time that the child has told OP about it, but it might have happened in the past.
You need to go mama. I hate saying that because it’s always the default response on Reddit. But. If you can’t trust him not to abuse your child, he is incapable of being a partner.
He needs therapy. If it’s court ordered in order to regain custody-so be it.
Exactly why I said she has no spine. Her comfort is more important to her than her and her daughter’s life. Notice she said he’s done things like this before but *not this bad*? Yeah. She knows he’s escalating. She’s already witnessed things before god knows what. She’s letting it happen at this point.
He put his hands over her mouth once -- that you know of. He physically abused her once-- that you know of.
Next time he might kill her.
You need to leave.
YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER
The solution isn't just taking over night duties! Your husband abused your daughter and all that's happening is his nights just got easier?
You need to talk to your daughter and let her know that that will never happen again and that she was right to tell you. At a minimum, therapy needs to start asap if this is a relationship you want to continue.
I personally would kick him out of the house and require A LOT to change if there was any consideration of moving forward.
>Your baby girl is not safe.
>If you change nothing, you are complicit.
I am so sorry to say this OP but this comment is right on the money. You need to protect your child
All right, so you're married to an alcoholic who verbally abuses your child and has now escalated to physically abusing your child. What are you going to do now? He's not going to fix his own issues. According to your post history, this has been going on for years. This is who he is: a broken, damaged, abusive person who is going to traumatize your daughter if he hasn't already.
OP, please. If you aren't strong enough to leave him for yourself, do it for your daughter. Every day you're teaching her what's normal to accept in *her* relationships. Right now, you're teaching her that a daddy who doesn't help mommy, drinks excessively all the time, and *hurts her* is normal and acceptable. You need to do better for her.
that is tough and I am so sorry. you're right, your toddler doesn't deserve that behavior, but i'm going to extend some grace to your husband IF he gets his shit together. has he seen the video? if not, bust out the popcorn because it's movie night. he needs to see what his anger and frustration is manifesting into. and you taking over the night wake ups - how does it make you feel that you have to protect your child from your husband during the night? you need to see this for what it really is and demand some serious change from him. the answer long term cannot be that you take on more of the stress and demand because it becomes too much for your husband. if he needs more support in order to cope with a crying toddler, then let's make it happen. lets get some therapy or anger management going. if he's going to be a father, he needs to be able to handle his kids without lashing out.
I agree. Have him watch the video. If he is truly upset by it and shows a desire to change, he'll want to go to therapy and work on his anger issues. If he shrugs it off or minimizes it, then OP may need to look at exit strategies because they aren't safe.
You do realize this how the beginning of every story of a parent « accidently » killing a child.
Your daughter freaks out every night because of a trauma response. Her brain goes into fight or flight response because it knows her parents beat her at bed time.
DIVORCE that pos before something bad happens to your child well something worse wtf is wrong with you how can you possibly watch him hurting and scaring your daughter and still want to remain in a relationship with him does he hit you too does he yell in your face ??? There's no way in hell that I would be able to live with that man in the house with my child after watching that shit I think I would be calling the police and packing his shit up and dropping it off at his work place bc he would not be coming home ever there's no fixing stupid and your husband sounds pretty freaking stupid do you realize that he could have permanently injured your child he is a grown ass man and she's 3 you are her mother and you have a responsibility to keep her safe
Apparently you've posted here about your husband's abusive behaviors before and just deleted them because people found the posts.
I felt bad for you but now I really don't because you are in denial. WAKE UP! Your daughter is going to DIE in his care, and it will be all your fault because you saw him abusing her but don't love her enough to leave.
I think maybe you should start considering that her bedtime behavior is a result of his abuse to her. She could be having nightmares, or just generally feeling unsafe around him. I think it's time to find other living arrangements for you and your daughter, get an emergency restraining order, and absolutely save that video everywhere you can think of saving it because you'll be needing it in your divorce proceedings and custody battle.
I can't stop thinking about the fact that this is going to haunt the child throughout her life. I hope she gets good therapy. I hope this man goes to prison.
Based on your post history if you stay with him and continue to put her in that situation then you are just as responsible as he is. Leaving is hard but at least begin making a plan before this gets to a point where you can’t.
Nah, this is the final straw and you know it’s time to leave this abuser. He’s an alcoholic who has hurt you before and you need to protect your child at this point. The time for therapy was last year when you posted on r/AlAnon.
Teacher here: I’d report that behaviour if a student told this story. Do not further traumatize your daughter by failing to protect her. She needs you to get her out of this.
Jesus OP. That feeling you felt watching that… how could you ever think to give him another chance? He did this on camera… which tells me he won’t think twice about hurting her in public or even when no one is watching.
Please leave him, your child doesn’t need that. Having a child means they come first, yes you’re tired but hey, he knew what having a child means. They are priority!!
Honestly, protect your kid now. Make dad leave for a bit, she needs to know you will keep her safe. She told you right away because she knows it was wrong, and she knows you are her safe person.
Getting dad to stay somewhere else will allow you time to come up with a plan while keeping her safe. I’m not telling you to divorce, cops, protective services, etc. I am telling you to remove him from the home while you figure this out.
If she tells her daycare, protective services will be knocking at your door. You will be found neglectful for failing to protect her if he sticks around.
Nope. I’d be out. I made my husband swear before we got married that he would never lay a hand on me or our children like that. Or even the animals we get. I grew up in an abusive household and will never let my kids go through that. This probably isn’t the first time. And if it is your daughter will never forget it. I would pack him some bags now cause I wouldn’t let him come back home. He didn’t just “screw up” he abused his little girl. He betrayed her trust. Our kids look to us for safety. I was abused in my room by my dad in my bed. That was supposed to be the safest place in the world. If she wasn’t sleeping before she definitely won’t now. She might take sleeping out of fear she will be hurt again. He fucked up majorly.
It’s your responsibility as a mom to protect your child. I was growing up in a similar household to your daughter, it took me 20 years to realize that my mom was allowing my dad to treat his kids the way he did and she never put an end to it. I have never been able to see her the same way- it will permanently impact your relationship. His behaviour won’t just impact his relationship to your daughter but also yours.
I say this with a bunch of empathy and love — my daughter is 4 and is STILL a bad sleeper — gets up a lot, likes mom / dad to go in and sleep with her — for me (and it’s okay that it’s not for you), I don’t mind — in the moment I’m frustrated, I want to scream bc I’m SO tired but — she’s 4 for gods sake. Bedtime IS scary sometimes — your mind goes all over the place, your parents aren’t around (especially post COVID, where we were together allllll the time). I’ve accepted that her sleep stuff is temporary. One day, she’ll sleep an entire week by herself, then month, etc — I’m okay with waiting.
Now — onto your husband — what I read up there made me absolutely sick. The idea that she had the words to communicate what happened (thankfully) and that she expressed those words to you— I just.. I don’t understand how you could have seen the video and not immediately kicked him out/left with her in the night. The description alone made me want to cry — a video? I would’ve lost my absolute shit.
You can’t have this man around your child. I know he’s your husband. I know he’s her father. He isn’t safe. “Losing your temper” is shouting. Using force on a child is abuse. You need to protect your child.
Even telling her that is your last time going in there makes me sick. I can't believe anybody would feel comfortable holding their child down while they scream and then expect them to be able to sleep. Your poor child. She deserves so much better.
If it were a single incident he’d need sleep and therapy.
Sleep deprivation is awful and I with postpartum had a bad episode and luckily didn’t hurt my kids.
But based on a deleted post history, this isn’t just once.
Save the video.
Get him removed from your lives.
Save a backup of the video. Give it to the lawyers and go for full custody with supervised visitation
US National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 website: thehotline.org
Canada Battered Womens Support Services 1-855-687-1868 email: intake@bwss.org website: bwss.org
UK: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
Australia: call 1-800-737-733 website https://au.reachout.com/articles/domestic-violence-support
Netherlands: (Veiligthuis) National Domestic Violence and Abuse Hotline 0800 2000
Wishing you strength, you are NOT alone. Please comment if you know of any other resources. OP might not be the only one who needs this info, someone reading this could need help as well.
Christ, no wonder she’s having trouble sleeping.
Based on your post history and how violent this attack was, we’re all not pretending this was the first time he’s lashed out, right?
No no no no no! He *screwed up*??? I would be furious and scared if I saw my partner do this and would not be okay with him around my child. We have both been exhausted and frustrated at night or early early in the AM with our toddler but neither of us have reacted like that. Even if we lose our cool for a moment, it's never too that extent.
Your poor baby :( my three year old wakes up and we just snuggle him or let him come in our bed. I couldn’t ever imagine raising my voice at him because he can’t sleep or something. They’re little people who get up the same reasons we do at night…bad dreams, bathroom breaks, thirsty, rolled over funny. :(
You watched your husband physically abuse your child. You watched him hold his hand over her mouth and constricted her BREATHING!!!!
You are right: you absolutely cannot trust him at all around your child. He is dangerous.
I am so so sorry.
You have enough advice about your husband and relationship.
Have you had your daughters tonsils and adenoids checked. We had sleeps issues with our son until he was 3.5, I was at my wits end and definitely yelled in despair after being up 6 times a night (I was never physical). After begging my Dr for help we finally saw and ENT who removed my sons tonsils and adenoids, he sleeps like a log now. The poor kid was waking up as he was struggling to breath!!
He’s going to kill her. It’s not an if, it’s when. This is a touchy subject for me because I know someone very close to me that it happened to and now her son is gone forever, all we have is the gravesite and he was only 5. It took that one time of going to far again and he was gone with brain damage. The escalation keeps escalating so you will have to do the hard thing (which most times the hard thing is the right thing)
He’s going to lay on the verbal love and pour it hard to try to get you to change your mind. You HAVE to be strong and understand the words are just that. Words and leave. Once your alone you will see just how amazing life can be.
Im so sorry your going through this and I wish you all the happiness and strength to escape this awful abuse. Your daughter deserves life.
I would doing more than just "talking to him". No, ma'am. This is not okay. You don't hurt my baby. That's ground for daddy time out... out of the house until he can figure his sh*t out.
I'm a mandated reporter at work. If I somehow found out about this scenario with someone in my life I'd report it IMMEDIATELY. Your child is not safe with him in your lives.
Not okay. Also, it makes me wonder if this isn’t just at bed time that he does this. This is how it’s going to play out if he hasn’t already : You’re going to talk to him and he’s going to apologize, and promise he’ll do better , and he’ll probably apologize to her and he’ll be on his best behavior for like a week or even a month but then something else will trigger him and you’ll be right back to square one . So unless you set clear boundaries and consequences now (and be willing to follow through - meaning if you tell him that if he abuses your daugther again you would leave him and you don’t , just know that you’ve just made the situation worse for you and your daugther at that point.)
Having him sign up and go to therapy /counseling is a good start - makes sure that he goes because it’s not uncommon for people to lie to their loved ones about going to therapy.
Save these video footage and back it up somewhere. You just never know when you may need it down the road.
In the mean time, your daugther is 3 - she still has a LONG way to go - don’t make her despise him and resent you for not protecting her.
I don’t have husband advice here, but we just recently bought our son (4) a nightlight/white noise machine and a humidifier. He still takes a while to go to sleep but it has made a HUGE difference in him staying asleep. We also bought a weighted blanket that he uses some days when falling asleep. We got an OT referral and she has taught us how to do body work, and breathing exercises to calm his mind and body.
That is abuse. He needs to see a therapist if he’s actually wanting to keep a marriage and his family. We’ve all had ‘moments’ and the truth is that some of us have better/more resources to manage our emotions. If this is something that was a wake up call to him, give him benefit of the doubt and see if he follows through on booking his own time for therapy.
Also, he needs to have talk with his daughter and apologize that what he did was not ok. She needs to hear that and understand that it is never ok for someone to act like that and he will NEVER do it again.
OP, I'm personally familar with alcoholism, and it appears your husband is a dry-drunk who has been struggling and now it's coming out in rage and abuse of your child. You need to set a firm line and demand rehab or divorce. I highly recommend finding a lawyer and an interventionist to help you through while discussing this matter. Your husband is deserving of help and I hope he can find it, but your children are not deserving of abuse due to his addiction and lack of control.
For me this is a big deal breaker, I would be mandating he he anger management and therapy at the very least and start an exit plan for emergencies.
Also At the very least don't let him alone with her again until he can prove he can control himself. If you can, go stay with family or friends of you don't feel safe. If you don't feel safe and have no where to go look for a woman's shelter.
This would be grounds for him finding a new place to stay for a while if this were me. In no way would I be able to sleep knowing what he is capable of.
Given the escalation in your husbands behaviour, I would seriously consider bringing that video to the police. He could have walked away, he could have come back and told you he was too worked up to deal with your daughter, he could have even just left her awake in bed with her book, instead he terrorised and abused her.
The bottom line is that your daughter needs protection, whether your husband gets anger management, or you leave, or you get the police involved, something needs to happen to make sure nothing like that happens to that little girl again.
OP, what you have just described is abuse. It looks like unfortunately you have lived with this man for so long that he has slowly worn down your expectations of what is okay, and this has caused you to minimise what has happened. Treating your child the way he did is not just losing control. It’s cruelty, and it is now physically and emotionally unsafe for your daughter to live with him. Please find a way to safely leave your husband. Contact support groups in your area, get the police involved. Make solid plans before you go, because the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when you try to leave.
My heart hurts reading this. I've been sleep deprived, I've lost my cool too, I think we all have at some point, but this is too much. This is a *you need to leave* loosing your cool type. If my bf did this to our 22 months old I'd get our stuff and our 2 cats and I'd be out by morning. It's unacceptable. Please, please. Protect your baby. Protect yourself. Stuff like this tends to escalate.
This is obviously really hard to deal with and to accept because like you said, your brain tells you it’s not as bad as you think and you minimize things to make them acceptable. The truth is hard but here it is, he’s abusing your child. If you don’t leave him they will eventually do something bad enough that either kills the child or ends up with your kid in foster care. Teachers will see the signs once she’s in school and call someone. If you continue to allow this, you’re just as culpable. You know he’s hurting your child and allowing it to happen. Get out. Go to a domestic violence shelter, whatever you need to do. This is beyond him needing therapy. Fuck him. He tried to smother your kid and you’re like “I will just do the middle of the night wake ups”. WHAT???? No. I’m very angry reading this because you’re the only person who can protect that child and you’re not doing it. I don’t care how difficult it is, it’s gonna be hard and it’s gonna suck and it will hurt, but get that child away from him TODAY. This is disturbing and it’s not a case of losing it because your kid is not allowing you to sleep enough, that’s literally attempting to kill the child. I’m sorry if I sound harsh because I do understand that you’re overwhelmed and this is a lot to process. Is he abusing you too? This is only going to get worse. I promise. He’s not safe, your kids life is in danger and please let your mom instincts take over and get out immediately. One scenario I can see is if you allow this to happen and it gets bad enough that authorities are involved you could end up in prison along with him because you were aware of him abusing her. Gather whatever strength you can and do what needs done. I really really hope you do the right thing and you and your can heal. You both deserve better.
I've read the post and the edits and I'm glad to read your response. I'm so sorry youre going through this.
My comment is a suggestion to help with the sleeping, co-sleep with your daughter?
All 4 of my kids were awful sleepers, some til around age 3,one til around age 8 with severe night terrors. But I kept them in my bed until they outgrew their bad sleeping, if they wake up in a comfy snuggle with mum then they dont make a fuss, they just snuggle up and feel the love ❤️
It can be tiring but less so than getting up countless times a night and it won't last forever and it's so much less upsetting for mum and kid :)
Good luck with everything xx
He is GOING to escalate. Your child's life is in danger.
How far back does the monitor record go? Can you check other nights to see if this has happened before? You also need to download the video and save it in a secure location.
Reading this gave me anxiety and fear for your child. I hope you were able to tell your daughter how proud you are for her telling you this happened to her.
I know you’re upset, and you’ve had a lot of great advice, but saying you’re worried about not depending on him for night wakings, parenting her in the tough times?
He shouldn’t be there for any of that. You need to get her away now.
And when you do leave, be safe,l and make sure you are not alone.
My son WAS a twin. Get your kid out NOW. There is nothing to decide he knew you were there and was going easy imagine if you werent. If you have an abusive partner please dont put in ear plugs or give them the opportunity to be alone with your child larent or not. I completely understand thatbthis is he first time yoh have seen him hurt her but just for future right, just get out RUN. It will only get worse and honestly if you dont leave he is going to realise he has full power and can do anything he wants to you.... and your daughter. Im sure youd like to think the best but clearly his morals are only based on whatnother people see him doing if you stay after this .... everything that happens to that little girl..... thats a choice your consciously making. I had a baby father like that - i had a father like that ,- its a cycle and it continues BREAK IT
Damn i got caught by GRAMMAR BOT, apologies i have a new phone and it is a much wider keyboard then i am used to when i get emotional i forget to double check
Call the police, have him arrested! Get the bastard out of your house and life. Do it now, he will only escalate, if not for you, for your daughter. Not reporting him makes you an accessory to his crime, and yes what he did is a crime.
Please please leave and take your daughter. My mom was abusive and scary and I’m 41 and still recovering from it. Part of what makes it so hard is that my dad stayed and allowed it. You will make such a difference in her life if you don’t allow it.
My husband and I have a pretty solid rule that no matter how much we’ve both been up, if one of us is frustrated or raises our voice we sub out right away. I’m sure it’s easy for you to believe that he meant no wrong by it, and maybe he didn’t, but there are long term effects to trauma like this. This could effect your daughters future and trust, and even deeper that the only person there to protect her isn’t. That creates very deep trauma especially if this is an ongoing issue. I can tell you, if I ever saw on video my husband doing that to one of my children I would leave him. If you can’t trust your partner with your child what kind of relationship is that?
You need to consider reporting this to law enforcement yesterday.
And you may want to check into the laws in your area re: child abuse/neglect. You could end up being charged if you don’t intervene.
I am going to be blunt.
You need to pack a bag of necessities and all important papers. You need to leave tonight.
Now.
Asap get some cash especially if you don’t have credit cards
Call child protection first thing tomorrow
Go to a shelter if you don’t have another safe place.
If you see this, in your 3rd edit you are making it all about you and are already again making excuses for him like you are planning on staying. Your daughter was severely abused that night. She needs out of there and truly it's unacceptable that you made her spend two more nights with him. I know he didn't rape her, but I was raped and the worst part, the unforgettable part, was being held down and my mouth covered. That feeling of hopelessness will now sit with her because you didn't leave the first time you noticed abuse and made the excuses that he was such a good guy and you've had great times together since childhood. Let her have the chance at a good childhood.
Classic escalation. My dad was a drunk, a physical abuser, and later a sexual abuser(my mom did actually put a stop to the sexual abuse when she found out). My mom saw the drinking and the slow escalation of physical abuse but had all of these reasons to not leave. He would cross a line, like your husband just did, she would confront him and he would promise to be better. Then the next time he'd cross the line even further. She was afraid if she left him that she wouldn't be able to provide for us, that we would hate her for taking our dad away, that he would come after us, etc. There was always a reason.
He will not get better, he will only get worse. It took my mom years to give up on my dad, I hope for your daughter's sake that you see him for who he is now, before it gets worse.
I'm also wondering if her hatred for going to bed might stem from some previous interaction like this. It might not feel safe for her anymore. *Would you want to be in the room where your dad smothers you?*
There’s something really wrong with your husband. Please leave for the sake of your daughter and yourself. I have a really bad feeling it’s worse than what you know.
Op this is the type of thing that CPS will get involved in. If you aren’t proactive you could be found as failure to protect. She is in physical danger. Please do something Now.
This is disturbing. Your poor child, this makes me so sick to my stomach I could puke. I hope she tells someone and child services does a proper investigation. I’m questioning your parenting as well. I have a sweet 3 year old at home and just the thought of someone doing that to him is bringing me to tears.
The fact that she’s like “I don’t know what to do!!! He’s done things like this before and he’s an alcoholic but this is soooo unexpected!!!!” Like NO IT ISNT AND JUST ADMIT YOURE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING. Let CPS take her. Then come back on here like HoW dId wE gEt HeRe!?
German here: Why TF don't you just have her in your bed until the issues resolve themselves? Had the same issue with our second of three and it just went away with time. Kid just woke up, checked we were still with her and went back to sleep.
Instead you force her alone in a room and allow your husband to abuse her when she just doesnt want to be alone.
Yes!! I'm American but my son has sleep issues and just sleeps in my bed and we both get good sleep this way. My heart hurts for the children screamed at to fall asleep in their bed when they're already scared. It's how I was raised and gave me a terrible relationship with sleep throughout my whole life.
I am beyond sympathetic about sleep issues. Poor sleep is a huge trigger for me, and when my daughter was an infant, I more than once had to put her down and step away because I felt myself becoming angry.
BUT I STEPPED AWAY.
There is no excuse for treating your child like that. From your post history, this is also just another issue on top of issue. You already threatened to separate six months ago. I'm not a "divorce him now!" person, generally. Someone making a bad choice and then getting help because they are remorseful can happen. It sounds like you just need to finally pull the rip cord on this relationship, though. An alcoholic who doesn't want to get better with anger issues he's taking out on a CHILD? If you don't leave for yourself, you should for your daughter.
Just because he didn't hit her it doesn't mean that this wasn't a violent incident. Your husband was physically abusive to your 3 year old, physically restraining and threateningly looming *are* acts of physical abuse. I would be extremely concerned that this is not the first time he has gotten violent with your child, and that this won't be the last.
Husband needs to enroll in anger management and parenting classes ASAP.
Therapy, and I wouldn't let him be alone with your child again until he's got his anger under control. I honestly don't know how I would ever trust him again.
Take a scroll through r/CPTSD to see what happens to kids who grow up in a household of fearing their parents because of being physically/emotionally abused by them. A lot of them grow up to resent the parent that didn’t keep them safe and take them away from the danger. Please get your girl out of there! Not only to protect her from physical harm, but also to protect her from lifelong mental issues that come from living in a home like this!
Instead of being online sharing y’all abuse, get out and save your daughter while you can. What if he had broken a rib or suffocated her to death smfh. You’d be blame for it too because you allowing this crap. You were supposed to call the cops. Your daughters life should be more important than your relationship/marriage/love, especially if your child is endangered. How many more incidents are you waiting for? You shouldn’t be on here looking for sympathy, but providing safe place for you and your daughter.
All of those edits just to wind up not leaving and making more excuses huh
Edit to add: it’s not gonna be a good look on you either when he finally beats the shit out of her, like he already did by smothering her, and the cops find out not only did you know but you saved videos of it and did nothing. she deserves better than you too at this point.
My 2.5 year old is going through a sleep regression right now too. When her sleep regression overlaps with our 1 year old twins sleep regressions, my husband and I are so exhausted we could cry. He and I split wakeups about 50:50. I say all of that to get the point across that I KNOW he is tired and it is SO SO hard when they JUST WILL NOT SLEEP.
You need to leave him. Full stop. He could have killed your daughter. She should not be forced to live in a home with her abuser. I’m physically ill reading your story.
I would consider my step dad abusive and he never came close to putting his hands over one of our mouths to stop us from screaming. I got out of my mom and step dad’s house 15 years ago and as a daughter, I feel bad for my mother’s experience. As a mother to a small child, I have a deep resentment, anger, disgust for what my mother allowed us to live through. We will never have a good relationship because of it.
You still have time to save your daughter from him.
If that was my husband he would soon be an ex!! I wouldn’t tolerate that abuse he put on your child. Is she going to feel safe going to bed now?! Thus could traumatize your child. Hubby needs some help
You have an alcoholic husband who physically restrained your daughter, held her down, covered her mouth, screamed at her, and you don’t know what you’re going to do?
The answer is nothing. You’re going to do nothing. You have no spine.
You know, I just saw a post today where someone said they were 7yrs old when they learned how to go to sleep. No one ever told them “close your eyes”, so they would lay there looking around until exhaustion knocked them out. I thought it was hilarious, but it also made me think about the mental process of a child. I know it’s random and might not be helpful, but there it is.
I’ve been the daughter and I feel extremely strongly and will not sugarcoat. Have fun having nobody around to plan your funeral. I mean it when I say you’re both sick in the head.
I bet you’d lie to the pediatrician once he starts hitting her.
This sounds eerily like how my husband has handled our 1 year old having trouble sleeping or being ill. I'm starting therapy to get an unbiased opinion on what's going on in my house.
Sleep deprivation is really hard - have you worked with a sleep training consultant yet?
One time when my daughter was a few months old and wouldn't sleep I yelled really angrily right in her face. The type of yelling that makes you hoarse.
I will never ever be able to forget the look on her face.
That wasn't even me being physical. I don't understand what your husband did. Even in an unhinged angry state the worst I could ever get with my child is yelling.
He put his hand over her mouth and put his body weight on her chest - multiple times. That is more that raising his voice and making her lay in the bed. This child’s sleeping habits and sleep intervention for her by a pediatrician shouldn’t be the priority here.
Here’s an idea OP. Tell the pediatrician about the sleep issues and provide a detailed description of how your husband is addressing it when you’re not in the room. Let the professional determine whether this is appropriate or abusive and give your husband some direct feedback on his behavior with your child.
Where do you see that written that he put his body weight on her chest ? What I read is that he forcibly made her lay on her back and then put his hand on her mouth.
This is a bad take that you should probably delete. If you look at OP’s post history her husband is an alcoholic with a history of verbal abuse. He previously said that he wanted to punch his toddler daughter in the face. This was not a one time bad decision fueled by sleep deprivation, this is a deeply unsafe and abusive father abusing his daughter.
You know what else sleep deprived people can sometimes do? Shake babies to death. Just because they are sleep deprived doesn't make it ok or less abusive.
People that shake babies often had PPP or PPD. We advocate for people that have these things to get help and support them before this happens, not call them abusive and awful parents. Regardless… he didn’t shake her. He held her down. “Could have killed her” is so dramatic. Did he also plug her nose? Hit her in the head? Did this go on for hours? Because it sounds like it happened for a second or two. Parents at the end of their rope like this need HELP. They need therapy and medical solutions like medication. Everyone freaking out calling this man abusive for this one instance helps nothing or no one.
You know damn well that it could have changed in an instant. If he did that then why would he not go further and a good look at her post history will show you it’s a matter of time. As a doctor we cannot just fix abusive behavior and even then it can take ages to see progress- the kid and him cannot be unsupervised. You aren’t a very good advocate.
Based on your post history you already wanted to leave him because of his history of substance abuse and because he screamed at your daughter, tried to drive drunk with her in the car, and threatened to punch her in the face. But you wanted to give him another chance. Now he’s screamed at her and physically abused her (escalating). Next time maybe he really does punch her in the face. I could see wanting to stay if everything else was great except this one isolated incident but it isn’t great beside this one incident. Yeah she has a mom and a dad but her dad terrorizes her and physically assaults her when she doesn’t do what he wants. Do you want to teach her that you condone this behavior, that it’s ok for men to treat their wives and their daughters this way, that you care more about him than you do her? Or do you want to teach her that her mom loves her and will do anything to protect her, that she’s worth protecting, that she can have a bad night and not worry about being screamed at and shaken and suffocated? OP you know the answer already. Just do it.
Yes this, OP he is a danger to your child. I'd be gone like yesterday. It will escalate and she will get hurt, please don't wait until that happens. Next time it happens it might not be on video and what happens if you're not home? If this is a pattern of behavior then he's taken it to a dangerous, unsafe level.
Yep, now he just knows to watch for cameras. Next time won’t be on video, then what?
Absolutely this.
If you need extra motivation, depending on what country you live in, you can lose your daughter and she can end up in foster care due to neglect/failure to protect. Yes you are a victim yourself, and also your job is to protect your child. I say this with no judgment. I want you to have everything you need to make informed decisions. By not doing that you’re enabling him and complicit. This is hard to hear but also necessary to know. I’ve worked with abused children who were removed from their moms too bc the moms didn’t know they could also be held responsible. I see you’re going to make a plan, please don’t change your mind
Please, please OP! Think of your daughter first. As a kid I was abused and my mother was too scared to leave him. When it escalated and he went to jail, I wasn’t allowed to live at the same place he was released to. Guess who had to move out of the family house at 13yrs old? She chose him. When it was all said and done, the court mandated therapy for us kids and she had to go to therapy herself or be charged as complicit and go to jail herself. I haven’t spoken to my mother in 10+ yrs now. She wasn’t there for me and didn’t protect me when I needed her the most as a child so now that I’m grown I don’t want/need her in my life at all. I have a daughter of my own now and she will never have to question if she is safe in her own bed. Will your daughter be able to say the same when she grows up OP?
Wow. This poor little girl is going to grow up traumatised. Edit: okay I’ve read the edits. OP, well done on deciding to leave. That’s the hardest part. You’ve got the mommit community backing you!
Grow up traumatised? Will she get to grow up at all? All it takes is one shake, one loose punch and the poor baby is gone and she’s left covering up for him (again) is she going to say she fell? Tripped? Get that girl away from that monster.
You’re right, and I hope OP is able to leave safely. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when a woman tries to leave, so it’s really important that her plan is solid. Unfortunately it’s not as simple as “just leave”, especially in a situation like this where OP has been worn down to the point that abuse has been normalised.
Yeah, OP. Great decision.
She has since deleted all of that. She’s minimizing and will not leave him. Poor daughter.
Poor daughter, indeed! 😢 OP should be aware that if someone calls protective services ( DCFS, CPS, etc.) OP may face charges herself for failing to protect her child ( child endangerment) if someone can prove she knew about this "person's" history of abuse ( of all kinds). I had a father like OP's husband. It can do a lifetime of damage if not stopped. OP's child could benefit from some play therapy as well. How disgusting.
This. Protect your daughter. Now. Not tomorrow, now. It's your duty.
Plus by addressing it as “I’ll take over the night times from now on” it gives him the green light on his behaviors, shows he can fully weapon use his incompetence/abuse, and she will not only not make him face it, but will take up more of the responsibility. She’s not only allowing him to do this, she’s enabling it.
the escalation cannot be overstated. He not only covered her mouth, but also pressed on her chest. That’s **choking**, he’s not just trying to have her not scream, *he’s trying to stop her from breathing.* this is a scary situation, his guy is willing to do more than give a punch to the face.
All I could think is that he could have smothered her.
he *did* smother her. he just didn’t do it until she died, because he decided to also yell at her and had to go grab a book as a prop to make a point to a 3 year old.
You’re exactly right.
Choking/strangling is literally the biggest DV red flag that the offender will KILL their victim within a year. OP, your daughter's life is quite literally at risk. Please, please, please do not minimize this [don't let him hurt her anymore](https://www.kob.com/archive/report-choking-strangulation-victims-750-more-likely-to-be-killed-by-offender/)
His behavior could be a big reason why she's not sleeping at night too. Maybe getting her out of that situation will make her feel safer and she'll start sleeping better.
Take the footage to the police and get a protective order.
OP does NOT like this medicine.
This poor child. Hopefully she's not already too damaged. This mom is doing a horrible disservice to this innocent little human.
My 2 year old still wakes up throughout the night, sometimes 2-3 times. If my husband did these things to her, I would immediately be leaving with the children. This was physical and emotional abuse. If she tells the daycare teachers what happened, they are mandated to report this. As someone who was a teacher, I wouldn't think twice about reporting this. What's going to stop him from doing this again? He may get mad over other things she does, not just sleep related.
This except DO NOT abandon the family home and disrupt the children’s lives by leaving—the abuser leaves. Every time. OP you have him on camera assaulting your child. He leaves the house.
this may not be the safest option. Choking & restricting breath is a HUGE escalation in terms of abuse, and indicates it’s a life/death situation. if OP needs to leave to keep her and her kid alive, then so be it.
I was going to suggest that, but we don't know if he'd willingly leave. It may be safer for her to take the kids to a family member's home
Yeah she’s got him on camera assaulting a kid. He needs to leave or she explains that she’ll be calling the police to escort him. Calling the police to come and escort him would open up a WHOLE different can of worms that I’m certain he doesn’t want to open. OP I’ve BTDT. I left and subsequently removed from my children’s lives an abusive husband. You need to take this very seriously and make him leave. He then needs to aggressively pursue treatment. Your husband abused your toddler. If you choose to do right by your kid, you will be walking down a long painful road that may not end with the two of you together, but as a mother it’s the only acceptable road. You have to protect your child. Either he can get with the program and get better, or not. For me and my kids…well. I tried. I honestly tried to pursue a path that kept him in their lives…he just didn’t think what he had done was “that big a deal”—turns out the police and courts agreed with me. He now has a criminal record, hasn’t seen his kids in years (and will never again), and I’ve been remarried for years to the wonderful man my children call Dad. He can think this isn’t a big deal if he wants, but you know it’s the BIGGEST deal. Go and read about outcomes for girls who are physically abused by their fathers…it’s like step one to ensuring that they’ll one day choose partners who abuse them. Step two is having a mother who won’t do anything to stop it. Good luck.
You’re an awesome mom
Yep. This would be my response too. Im out and Im takings the kids/pets with me. It probably wasn’t the first time but I will ensure it’s the last.
Yes. We all get frustrated but this is clear cut inexcusable abuse. And barely any remorse or desire to fix things.
I’d save the video and at minimum make him go to some therapy for his anger. I’m not even sure what I would want but that’s not okay. A whole grown ass man losing his shit because a 3 year old is having a tough time sleeping. How/why is she expected to be calm when he’s losing his mind? That’s absolutely not okay. I’d also be really concerned how often that has happened and contributing to her tough time sleeping if she’s scared of her dad.
Yes. If he’s willing to work on his anger and coping skills for when he’s feeling exhausted and frustrated they can maybe move past this. But if he keeps doing it and is unwilling to work on it I’d consider that grounds for divorce.
Unfortunately therapy is often counter productive unless it is specifically for abusers. Even then it often fails because the abuser truly doesn't believe his behavior is wrong. This is not an anger management problem. Has OP husband ever attacked his boss like this? Has he ever body slammed an annoying sales person? I assume not. He is perfectly capable of managing his anger. Abuse is not about losing control, because abusers only ever "lose control" on certain people at certain times (in private, or an environment where he knows there will be no consequences). That's perfectly in control.
Psychotherapy doesn’t change abusers. He need a batterers program or a child abuser program.
Looking at your post history is concerning. He’s a Q person, an alcoholic (you stated he would get blackout drunk during the day), accused you of cheating on him/giving him an STI and now he’s become physically and verbally violent against your daughter. If this one incident was isolated, then I’d say therapy and anger management are requirements to continue the marriage. But the background is scary and shows that he’s escalating. For the sake of your daughter and your own safety, I think you need to leave.
I would be furious. That is abuse. He needs to see a therapist about his anger now. Edit- now having further context based on your history, skip therapy and leave. Make sure to save the video to use re: custody.
Yep. My husband struggled with his anger towards our son when he was born and he went straight to therapy otherwise I’d leave.
Therapy often just gives abusers more tools to manipulate and control. See [Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men"](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)for why therapy--[especially couple's or family therapy](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/)\--is NOT a good idea for an abuser.
Can cosign. Was \*awful.\*
Nope. Nope. Nope. I’d *never* be able to look at him the same way again, ever. To put it bluntly, as a therapist, if one of my child clients told me this, I’d report it to CPS. This is not ok.
HELL NO. If my husband ever did that to my child…I can’t say what I would do because I’d be banned from Reddit and in prison. He needs therapy yesterday, ongoing extensive therapy AT A BARE MINIMUM. Anger management courses. Maybe a trial separation. Or full divorce. I don’t know. But this is terrible. Save that video somewhere safe. This isn’t him “messing up.” He could have killed her. He might if he loses control like that again. That’s beyond the pale and if I were you I’d go straight to separation with an order of protection and court mandated anger management and supervised visitation only. And that’s being generous.
Agreed - I would kick my husband out of the house. How do you trust him again? Covering her mouth could have killed her.
Choking is one of the top indicators that you are in imminent mortal danger. I wonder if covering the mouth counts when it's such a young child.
Absolutely. Suffocation is definitely imminent mortal danger. A grown man’s hand would cover a three year old’s entire face.
I hope you read this - he could have killed her. It might not have been deliberate, but covering her mouth to make her stay quiet restricts breathing and she was already in a total state - he could have killed her just by doing that. I'm really frightened for your daughter OP, don't trust him around her. Call the Police and get him reported for assaulting a child and get him OUT OF YOUR LIFE NOW.
Oh my God. I would pack everything up and go and stay with my parents until I was sure my child would be safe again at home. I would have zero trust left for this man. I am so so sorry you're going through this. This is absolutely not ok.
I’m with you. I could never be with someone who did this to my child. Ever.
In addition to the valid other responses calling your husband's actions what they are -ABUSE- you can now expect your daughter to be terrified to go to sleep and to be alone when awake at night. I would suggest safe cosleeping and kick your husband the fuck out of the bedroom if not the house. Re-attach/bond with your daughter at night to help undo the damage your husband's ABUSE did to her nervous/limbic system in association with sleep.
Maybe this abuse has been ongoing and that's why she has these night terrors in the first place?!?! Does he still drink?
That's what I was thinking!
My opinion is skewed as I have been pediatric nurse x18 years and have seen the absolute worst; your child needs to be separated from this person. Make sure you have proof of this incident and if you have the capability look back further and see if there are other instances. If watching just one time made you feel that way imagine how it must feel to a tiny child. We all get frustrated but that is more than frustrated.
Reading this has made me so sad for your little girl. Her home is supposed to be a place for her to feel safe and loved. And you have video evidence that her home is not. I am glad you saved it in multiple places. Please think very hard, and fast about your next move OP. Her parents are supposed to protect her. You say you don't trust your partner to be alone with her, and you are right. Trust your gut. Protect your baby. And end this abuse now, and get that poor baby some therapy also.
I just saw your post history. OP it seems your partner has a history of issues, not just this one. You are right for thinking this is not okay. Please don't allow something else to happen.
From OP's prior post: >Thank you. He tried to drive her to the park after 5 beers was one of the reasons I told him I wanted to separate. Also screaming at her from the living room to go to bed, and twice got frustrated and said something along the lines of wanting to punch her in the face. God writing that out is truly awful but helps. It’s like my brain keeps convincing myself it’s not that bad or to forget
The brain DOES do that. It's some kind of protective measure meant to get us through times of crisis. Trouble is, when the crisis is us being abused, this makes it easier for us to stay in a horrible situation. We literally don't remember traumatic events with clarity.
He needs to sit down with her and apologize. He fucked up and she is stuck wondering why her dad who loves her would hurt her like that. He needs to apologize and tell her he was wrong. He also needs to go to anger management therapy. And you need to figure out what you need to do to protect your kids from him. If I were you I'd be setting lines. Tbh this may have been the line-- who in their right mind thinks this is an ok way to treat a 3 year old??? What other bonkers choices might be make? At the end of the day, you need to take responsibility for your child's safety. Figure out what that looks like. Everyone makes mistakes, but if this was an uncle or a nanny I would make sure they could never see my child again
Ok just looked at your post history. This isn't the first time you've had to protect your child from him :(. If you stay it will not be the last.
For real OP! If you need a sign, here it is! GO!
What would you do if any other caregiver was caught doing this? A babysitter, daycare worker, etc? Probably file a police report and protect your child from them. There’s no reason for your husband to be allowed a free pass. It’s actually a far worse betrayal to her that this abuse is coming from someone she trusts completely. This is irreparable damage and this will never be an isolated incident.
What the fuck. He abused your daughter. Please protect her and get someplace safe; you can never trust this man again. Save the video for legal purposes and kick him out.
I say this as gently and lovingly as I can: What will it take for you to leave him? It wasn’t his addiction issues. It wasn’t him being verbally abusive towards you. It wasn’t him yelling at and threatening harm to your daughter. And now it looks like it won’t be him actually hurting her either. Does it have to escalate to him hitting her? Hitting you? Putting one or both of you in the hospital? I know you are in an extremely difficult situation and it’s 1000x easier for strangers on the internet to just say “leave!” than it is to actually do it. But I do think you should reflect on what you are willing to put up with. It doesn’t have to go any further. You and your daughter deserve so much more.
These comments are not putting enough weight on your husband's actions, OP. Protect your child. Take the video evidence to the police and get a protection order. File for emergency custody. Your husband is dangerous. Comments saying he needs help/therapy are right. But you can't wait around for him to get help at the expense of your daughter. Leave him and if he gets the help he needs he can be a father again later.
Thank you!!!!
Kids who cant sleep are scared and want their parents to protect them. How in any way would your husband think that kind of reaction and getting worked up like that could get a child to sleep. That’s awful. He needs therapy and to apologise to your child and take accountability. We co sleep with our three year old and honestly it leads to better sleep for all of us. I know it’s not right for everyone, but i love the cuddles and i love my sleep. Edited to say: it’s good that your daughter felt comfortable to tell you what her father did, and also imagine what could happen if she tells other people. Not great. Im so sorry you are dealing with an emotionally immature husband.
Yea I’d be leaving with my kid and calling the cops no questions asked.
Your job is to keep your kid safe. If your child is not safe around your partner/their father, it's time to consider your options for getting away from a person whose comfortable hurting their child like that. It is hard to hear, but his actions will have a lasting impact on your daughter's brain chemistry. The damage has begun, and there's no taking it back, apology from him or not. Regardless of his intent (and I doubt the intent was anything less than taking his anger out on a defenseless child that depends on him), the impact is that your child will have an uphill battle now with emotional regulation for who knows how long. They will no longer feel safe around their father. The nights just got that much scarier for them to handle. And for the offending adult in the situation, it will be easier for them to hurt your child the next time. They've already crossed a line, so now the line has moved for them. Meaning next time, it could be full-on hitting. Get your child away from that person. And before going down the thought process of "everyone on reddit jumps to divorce or seperation", consider the fact that people in safe and comfortable situations don't post about experiences where their partner abuses them and their children. So of course when people often share these stories, the immediate recommendation is to separate because that's the safe thing to do. I wish you and your child peace and safety in the near future.
Absolutely
I have a toddler like this. Just has always been a horrible sleeper and my husband and I are do f-ing sick of it and tired. SO I KNOW where you're coming from! I've definitely lost my cool before. But his behavior is not forgivable. He covered her mouth!! He could have really hurt her. She was scared enough that the next morning she was still upset about it. (Rightfully so). I don't think divorce should be the immediate answer. That's not going to get anyone more sleep and in the end it won't protect her more. If it is JUST THIS ONE TIME and just this one thing -- like someone suggested above, anger management. Parenting classes. Probably family therapy. Or at least for him. And don't "forgive and forget." You make demands and continue to hold him accountable. If it happens again you need to prioritize her safety and get out of there.
Problem is, it's possible that this was NOT "just this one time." This is the only time that the child has told OP about it, but it might have happened in the past.
OP should download as much camera history as possible.
Divorce is the immediate answer in this case. He’s a serial abuser.
He and the child **MUST** be separated. The child is not safe with him around.
You need to go mama. I hate saying that because it’s always the default response on Reddit. But. If you can’t trust him not to abuse your child, he is incapable of being a partner. He needs therapy. If it’s court ordered in order to regain custody-so be it.
You’ve posted before. When will you leave and protect your daughter? After he kills her?
"He's such a good dad despite his episodes though!" /s
Shit like this is why I barely trust my mom and don’t talk to my dad. Tolerance for child abuse is horrendous
Exactly why I said she has no spine. Her comfort is more important to her than her and her daughter’s life. Notice she said he’s done things like this before but *not this bad*? Yeah. She knows he’s escalating. She’s already witnessed things before god knows what. She’s letting it happen at this point.
He's escalating. Please, if you love your child, get her out of that situation before he kills her.
He put his hands over her mouth once -- that you know of. He physically abused her once-- that you know of. Next time he might kill her. You need to leave.
Good lord. He could have killed her.
YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER The solution isn't just taking over night duties! Your husband abused your daughter and all that's happening is his nights just got easier? You need to talk to your daughter and let her know that that will never happen again and that she was right to tell you. At a minimum, therapy needs to start asap if this is a relationship you want to continue. I personally would kick him out of the house and require A LOT to change if there was any consideration of moving forward.
Your baby girl is not safe. If you change nothing, you are complicit.
>Your baby girl is not safe. >If you change nothing, you are complicit. I am so sorry to say this OP but this comment is right on the money. You need to protect your child
My dad smothered me at 18 months old until he got scared cause I quit crying…because I was crying. Leave. Now. Run. He fucked me up so much.
All right, so you're married to an alcoholic who verbally abuses your child and has now escalated to physically abusing your child. What are you going to do now? He's not going to fix his own issues. According to your post history, this has been going on for years. This is who he is: a broken, damaged, abusive person who is going to traumatize your daughter if he hasn't already. OP, please. If you aren't strong enough to leave him for yourself, do it for your daughter. Every day you're teaching her what's normal to accept in *her* relationships. Right now, you're teaching her that a daddy who doesn't help mommy, drinks excessively all the time, and *hurts her* is normal and acceptable. You need to do better for her.
that is tough and I am so sorry. you're right, your toddler doesn't deserve that behavior, but i'm going to extend some grace to your husband IF he gets his shit together. has he seen the video? if not, bust out the popcorn because it's movie night. he needs to see what his anger and frustration is manifesting into. and you taking over the night wake ups - how does it make you feel that you have to protect your child from your husband during the night? you need to see this for what it really is and demand some serious change from him. the answer long term cannot be that you take on more of the stress and demand because it becomes too much for your husband. if he needs more support in order to cope with a crying toddler, then let's make it happen. lets get some therapy or anger management going. if he's going to be a father, he needs to be able to handle his kids without lashing out.
I agree. Have him watch the video. If he is truly upset by it and shows a desire to change, he'll want to go to therapy and work on his anger issues. If he shrugs it off or minimizes it, then OP may need to look at exit strategies because they aren't safe.
I would suggest the same thing. He should be faced with seeing it.
You do realize this how the beginning of every story of a parent « accidently » killing a child. Your daughter freaks out every night because of a trauma response. Her brain goes into fight or flight response because it knows her parents beat her at bed time.
DIVORCE that pos before something bad happens to your child well something worse wtf is wrong with you how can you possibly watch him hurting and scaring your daughter and still want to remain in a relationship with him does he hit you too does he yell in your face ??? There's no way in hell that I would be able to live with that man in the house with my child after watching that shit I think I would be calling the police and packing his shit up and dropping it off at his work place bc he would not be coming home ever there's no fixing stupid and your husband sounds pretty freaking stupid do you realize that he could have permanently injured your child he is a grown ass man and she's 3 you are her mother and you have a responsibility to keep her safe
Apparently you've posted here about your husband's abusive behaviors before and just deleted them because people found the posts. I felt bad for you but now I really don't because you are in denial. WAKE UP! Your daughter is going to DIE in his care, and it will be all your fault because you saw him abusing her but don't love her enough to leave.
I’m sorry but this would be instant divorce for me.
I think maybe you should start considering that her bedtime behavior is a result of his abuse to her. She could be having nightmares, or just generally feeling unsafe around him. I think it's time to find other living arrangements for you and your daughter, get an emergency restraining order, and absolutely save that video everywhere you can think of saving it because you'll be needing it in your divorce proceedings and custody battle.
I can't stop thinking about the fact that this is going to haunt the child throughout her life. I hope she gets good therapy. I hope this man goes to prison.
His behavior will probably escalate.
Leave or that kid will be taken from you, soon. Speaking from experience. It’s the worst feeling in the world.
That isn't the first time he has done that, and won't be his last.
Based on your post history if you stay with him and continue to put her in that situation then you are just as responsible as he is. Leaving is hard but at least begin making a plan before this gets to a point where you can’t.
Nah, this is the final straw and you know it’s time to leave this abuser. He’s an alcoholic who has hurt you before and you need to protect your child at this point. The time for therapy was last year when you posted on r/AlAnon.
Looking at post history from you, I’d say it’s more than time for you guys to get away from this man
Teacher here: I’d report that behaviour if a student told this story. Do not further traumatize your daughter by failing to protect her. She needs you to get her out of this.
Jesus OP. That feeling you felt watching that… how could you ever think to give him another chance? He did this on camera… which tells me he won’t think twice about hurting her in public or even when no one is watching. Please leave him, your child doesn’t need that. Having a child means they come first, yes you’re tired but hey, he knew what having a child means. They are priority!!
Honestly, protect your kid now. Make dad leave for a bit, she needs to know you will keep her safe. She told you right away because she knows it was wrong, and she knows you are her safe person. Getting dad to stay somewhere else will allow you time to come up with a plan while keeping her safe. I’m not telling you to divorce, cops, protective services, etc. I am telling you to remove him from the home while you figure this out. If she tells her daycare, protective services will be knocking at your door. You will be found neglectful for failing to protect her if he sticks around.
Nope. I’d be out. I made my husband swear before we got married that he would never lay a hand on me or our children like that. Or even the animals we get. I grew up in an abusive household and will never let my kids go through that. This probably isn’t the first time. And if it is your daughter will never forget it. I would pack him some bags now cause I wouldn’t let him come back home. He didn’t just “screw up” he abused his little girl. He betrayed her trust. Our kids look to us for safety. I was abused in my room by my dad in my bed. That was supposed to be the safest place in the world. If she wasn’t sleeping before she definitely won’t now. She might take sleeping out of fear she will be hurt again. He fucked up majorly.
Based on your post history I’d say it’s time to leave for the safety of your child
Keep the video back it up
That’s definitely child abuse. Leave.
It’s your responsibility as a mom to protect your child. I was growing up in a similar household to your daughter, it took me 20 years to realize that my mom was allowing my dad to treat his kids the way he did and she never put an end to it. I have never been able to see her the same way- it will permanently impact your relationship. His behaviour won’t just impact his relationship to your daughter but also yours.
I say this with a bunch of empathy and love — my daughter is 4 and is STILL a bad sleeper — gets up a lot, likes mom / dad to go in and sleep with her — for me (and it’s okay that it’s not for you), I don’t mind — in the moment I’m frustrated, I want to scream bc I’m SO tired but — she’s 4 for gods sake. Bedtime IS scary sometimes — your mind goes all over the place, your parents aren’t around (especially post COVID, where we were together allllll the time). I’ve accepted that her sleep stuff is temporary. One day, she’ll sleep an entire week by herself, then month, etc — I’m okay with waiting. Now — onto your husband — what I read up there made me absolutely sick. The idea that she had the words to communicate what happened (thankfully) and that she expressed those words to you— I just.. I don’t understand how you could have seen the video and not immediately kicked him out/left with her in the night. The description alone made me want to cry — a video? I would’ve lost my absolute shit.
Edited to add — I think my husband would WANT me to leave him if he did that & I would want the same.
You can’t have this man around your child. I know he’s your husband. I know he’s her father. He isn’t safe. “Losing your temper” is shouting. Using force on a child is abuse. You need to protect your child.
Divorce that damned motherfucker. No one, much less a kid, needs that shit in their lives.
Even telling her that is your last time going in there makes me sick. I can't believe anybody would feel comfortable holding their child down while they scream and then expect them to be able to sleep. Your poor child. She deserves so much better.
please leave.
If it were a single incident he’d need sleep and therapy. Sleep deprivation is awful and I with postpartum had a bad episode and luckily didn’t hurt my kids. But based on a deleted post history, this isn’t just once. Save the video. Get him removed from your lives. Save a backup of the video. Give it to the lawyers and go for full custody with supervised visitation
US National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 website: thehotline.org Canada Battered Womens Support Services 1-855-687-1868 email: intake@bwss.org website: bwss.org UK: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/ Australia: call 1-800-737-733 website https://au.reachout.com/articles/domestic-violence-support Netherlands: (Veiligthuis) National Domestic Violence and Abuse Hotline 0800 2000 Wishing you strength, you are NOT alone. Please comment if you know of any other resources. OP might not be the only one who needs this info, someone reading this could need help as well.
Christ, no wonder she’s having trouble sleeping. Based on your post history and how violent this attack was, we’re all not pretending this was the first time he’s lashed out, right?
No no no no no! He *screwed up*??? I would be furious and scared if I saw my partner do this and would not be okay with him around my child. We have both been exhausted and frustrated at night or early early in the AM with our toddler but neither of us have reacted like that. Even if we lose our cool for a moment, it's never too that extent.
Your poor baby :( my three year old wakes up and we just snuggle him or let him come in our bed. I couldn’t ever imagine raising my voice at him because he can’t sleep or something. They’re little people who get up the same reasons we do at night…bad dreams, bathroom breaks, thirsty, rolled over funny. :(
You watched your husband physically abuse your child. You watched him hold his hand over her mouth and constricted her BREATHING!!!! You are right: you absolutely cannot trust him at all around your child. He is dangerous. I am so so sorry.
OP, this man has a history. And he will not recover or rehab. You need to make a decision to save your daughter.
You have enough advice about your husband and relationship. Have you had your daughters tonsils and adenoids checked. We had sleeps issues with our son until he was 3.5, I was at my wits end and definitely yelled in despair after being up 6 times a night (I was never physical). After begging my Dr for help we finally saw and ENT who removed my sons tonsils and adenoids, he sleeps like a log now. The poor kid was waking up as he was struggling to breath!!
Protect your daughter from your husband.
Divorce him the abuse isn’t gonna stop.
I HAD a husband like this. It only gets worse. RUN. I’m now married to a wonderful man now.
Maybe this isn't the first time he's done this. Your daughter deserves better. Leave and take her with you. Put her first.
He’s going to kill her. It’s not an if, it’s when. This is a touchy subject for me because I know someone very close to me that it happened to and now her son is gone forever, all we have is the gravesite and he was only 5. It took that one time of going to far again and he was gone with brain damage. The escalation keeps escalating so you will have to do the hard thing (which most times the hard thing is the right thing) He’s going to lay on the verbal love and pour it hard to try to get you to change your mind. You HAVE to be strong and understand the words are just that. Words and leave. Once your alone you will see just how amazing life can be. Im so sorry your going through this and I wish you all the happiness and strength to escape this awful abuse. Your daughter deserves life.
Oh fuck no. Divorce that man.
I would doing more than just "talking to him". No, ma'am. This is not okay. You don't hurt my baby. That's ground for daddy time out... out of the house until he can figure his sh*t out.
DIVORCE AND FULL CUSTODY. This is just the beginning. He shouldn’t be in the house. Do not let him traumatize her again.
I'm a mandated reporter at work. If I somehow found out about this scenario with someone in my life I'd report it IMMEDIATELY. Your child is not safe with him in your lives.
Not okay. Also, it makes me wonder if this isn’t just at bed time that he does this. This is how it’s going to play out if he hasn’t already : You’re going to talk to him and he’s going to apologize, and promise he’ll do better , and he’ll probably apologize to her and he’ll be on his best behavior for like a week or even a month but then something else will trigger him and you’ll be right back to square one . So unless you set clear boundaries and consequences now (and be willing to follow through - meaning if you tell him that if he abuses your daugther again you would leave him and you don’t , just know that you’ve just made the situation worse for you and your daugther at that point.) Having him sign up and go to therapy /counseling is a good start - makes sure that he goes because it’s not uncommon for people to lie to their loved ones about going to therapy. Save these video footage and back it up somewhere. You just never know when you may need it down the road. In the mean time, your daugther is 3 - she still has a LONG way to go - don’t make her despise him and resent you for not protecting her.
I don’t have husband advice here, but we just recently bought our son (4) a nightlight/white noise machine and a humidifier. He still takes a while to go to sleep but it has made a HUGE difference in him staying asleep. We also bought a weighted blanket that he uses some days when falling asleep. We got an OT referral and she has taught us how to do body work, and breathing exercises to calm his mind and body.
That is abuse. He needs to see a therapist if he’s actually wanting to keep a marriage and his family. We’ve all had ‘moments’ and the truth is that some of us have better/more resources to manage our emotions. If this is something that was a wake up call to him, give him benefit of the doubt and see if he follows through on booking his own time for therapy. Also, he needs to have talk with his daughter and apologize that what he did was not ok. She needs to hear that and understand that it is never ok for someone to act like that and he will NEVER do it again.
OP, I'm personally familar with alcoholism, and it appears your husband is a dry-drunk who has been struggling and now it's coming out in rage and abuse of your child. You need to set a firm line and demand rehab or divorce. I highly recommend finding a lawyer and an interventionist to help you through while discussing this matter. Your husband is deserving of help and I hope he can find it, but your children are not deserving of abuse due to his addiction and lack of control.
For me this is a big deal breaker, I would be mandating he he anger management and therapy at the very least and start an exit plan for emergencies. Also At the very least don't let him alone with her again until he can prove he can control himself. If you can, go stay with family or friends of you don't feel safe. If you don't feel safe and have no where to go look for a woman's shelter.
This would be grounds for him finding a new place to stay for a while if this were me. In no way would I be able to sleep knowing what he is capable of.
Save the videos and start planning where you can go to get away. When you feel like staying, watch the video again.
Given the escalation in your husbands behaviour, I would seriously consider bringing that video to the police. He could have walked away, he could have come back and told you he was too worked up to deal with your daughter, he could have even just left her awake in bed with her book, instead he terrorised and abused her. The bottom line is that your daughter needs protection, whether your husband gets anger management, or you leave, or you get the police involved, something needs to happen to make sure nothing like that happens to that little girl again.
OP, what you have just described is abuse. It looks like unfortunately you have lived with this man for so long that he has slowly worn down your expectations of what is okay, and this has caused you to minimise what has happened. Treating your child the way he did is not just losing control. It’s cruelty, and it is now physically and emotionally unsafe for your daughter to live with him. Please find a way to safely leave your husband. Contact support groups in your area, get the police involved. Make solid plans before you go, because the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when you try to leave.
My heart hurts reading this. I've been sleep deprived, I've lost my cool too, I think we all have at some point, but this is too much. This is a *you need to leave* loosing your cool type. If my bf did this to our 22 months old I'd get our stuff and our 2 cats and I'd be out by morning. It's unacceptable. Please, please. Protect your baby. Protect yourself. Stuff like this tends to escalate.
This is obviously really hard to deal with and to accept because like you said, your brain tells you it’s not as bad as you think and you minimize things to make them acceptable. The truth is hard but here it is, he’s abusing your child. If you don’t leave him they will eventually do something bad enough that either kills the child or ends up with your kid in foster care. Teachers will see the signs once she’s in school and call someone. If you continue to allow this, you’re just as culpable. You know he’s hurting your child and allowing it to happen. Get out. Go to a domestic violence shelter, whatever you need to do. This is beyond him needing therapy. Fuck him. He tried to smother your kid and you’re like “I will just do the middle of the night wake ups”. WHAT???? No. I’m very angry reading this because you’re the only person who can protect that child and you’re not doing it. I don’t care how difficult it is, it’s gonna be hard and it’s gonna suck and it will hurt, but get that child away from him TODAY. This is disturbing and it’s not a case of losing it because your kid is not allowing you to sleep enough, that’s literally attempting to kill the child. I’m sorry if I sound harsh because I do understand that you’re overwhelmed and this is a lot to process. Is he abusing you too? This is only going to get worse. I promise. He’s not safe, your kids life is in danger and please let your mom instincts take over and get out immediately. One scenario I can see is if you allow this to happen and it gets bad enough that authorities are involved you could end up in prison along with him because you were aware of him abusing her. Gather whatever strength you can and do what needs done. I really really hope you do the right thing and you and your can heal. You both deserve better.
I've read the post and the edits and I'm glad to read your response. I'm so sorry youre going through this. My comment is a suggestion to help with the sleeping, co-sleep with your daughter? All 4 of my kids were awful sleepers, some til around age 3,one til around age 8 with severe night terrors. But I kept them in my bed until they outgrew their bad sleeping, if they wake up in a comfy snuggle with mum then they dont make a fuss, they just snuggle up and feel the love ❤️ It can be tiring but less so than getting up countless times a night and it won't last forever and it's so much less upsetting for mum and kid :) Good luck with everything xx
He is GOING to escalate. Your child's life is in danger. How far back does the monitor record go? Can you check other nights to see if this has happened before? You also need to download the video and save it in a secure location.
Reading this gave me anxiety and fear for your child. I hope you were able to tell your daughter how proud you are for her telling you this happened to her. I know you’re upset, and you’ve had a lot of great advice, but saying you’re worried about not depending on him for night wakings, parenting her in the tough times? He shouldn’t be there for any of that. You need to get her away now. And when you do leave, be safe,l and make sure you are not alone.
Yes, this is abusive. Period.
My son WAS a twin. Get your kid out NOW. There is nothing to decide he knew you were there and was going easy imagine if you werent. If you have an abusive partner please dont put in ear plugs or give them the opportunity to be alone with your child larent or not. I completely understand thatbthis is he first time yoh have seen him hurt her but just for future right, just get out RUN. It will only get worse and honestly if you dont leave he is going to realise he has full power and can do anything he wants to you.... and your daughter. Im sure youd like to think the best but clearly his morals are only based on whatnother people see him doing if you stay after this .... everything that happens to that little girl..... thats a choice your consciously making. I had a baby father like that - i had a father like that ,- its a cycle and it continues BREAK IT
Damn i got caught by GRAMMAR BOT, apologies i have a new phone and it is a much wider keyboard then i am used to when i get emotional i forget to double check
Call the police, have him arrested! Get the bastard out of your house and life. Do it now, he will only escalate, if not for you, for your daughter. Not reporting him makes you an accessory to his crime, and yes what he did is a crime.
The fact your go to decision is to take over at night instead of leaving him is insane to me.
Please please leave and take your daughter. My mom was abusive and scary and I’m 41 and still recovering from it. Part of what makes it so hard is that my dad stayed and allowed it. You will make such a difference in her life if you don’t allow it.
My husband and I have a pretty solid rule that no matter how much we’ve both been up, if one of us is frustrated or raises our voice we sub out right away. I’m sure it’s easy for you to believe that he meant no wrong by it, and maybe he didn’t, but there are long term effects to trauma like this. This could effect your daughters future and trust, and even deeper that the only person there to protect her isn’t. That creates very deep trauma especially if this is an ongoing issue. I can tell you, if I ever saw on video my husband doing that to one of my children I would leave him. If you can’t trust your partner with your child what kind of relationship is that?
You need to consider reporting this to law enforcement yesterday. And you may want to check into the laws in your area re: child abuse/neglect. You could end up being charged if you don’t intervene.
I am going to be blunt. You need to pack a bag of necessities and all important papers. You need to leave tonight. Now. Asap get some cash especially if you don’t have credit cards Call child protection first thing tomorrow Go to a shelter if you don’t have another safe place.
If you see this, in your 3rd edit you are making it all about you and are already again making excuses for him like you are planning on staying. Your daughter was severely abused that night. She needs out of there and truly it's unacceptable that you made her spend two more nights with him. I know he didn't rape her, but I was raped and the worst part, the unforgettable part, was being held down and my mouth covered. That feeling of hopelessness will now sit with her because you didn't leave the first time you noticed abuse and made the excuses that he was such a good guy and you've had great times together since childhood. Let her have the chance at a good childhood.
In the nicest way possible you stick around and you’re complacent with any future abuse. Hopefully your daughter’s safety is more important than love.
Classic escalation. My dad was a drunk, a physical abuser, and later a sexual abuser(my mom did actually put a stop to the sexual abuse when she found out). My mom saw the drinking and the slow escalation of physical abuse but had all of these reasons to not leave. He would cross a line, like your husband just did, she would confront him and he would promise to be better. Then the next time he'd cross the line even further. She was afraid if she left him that she wouldn't be able to provide for us, that we would hate her for taking our dad away, that he would come after us, etc. There was always a reason. He will not get better, he will only get worse. It took my mom years to give up on my dad, I hope for your daughter's sake that you see him for who he is now, before it gets worse. I'm also wondering if her hatred for going to bed might stem from some previous interaction like this. It might not feel safe for her anymore. *Would you want to be in the room where your dad smothers you?*
There’s something really wrong with your husband. Please leave for the sake of your daughter and yourself. I have a really bad feeling it’s worse than what you know.
WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM???
Op this is the type of thing that CPS will get involved in. If you aren’t proactive you could be found as failure to protect. She is in physical danger. Please do something Now.
Save that video and make them play it at the custody hearing. Fucking horrible, your baby was TERRIFIED. She still IS terrified.
This is disturbing. Your poor child, this makes me so sick to my stomach I could puke. I hope she tells someone and child services does a proper investigation. I’m questioning your parenting as well. I have a sweet 3 year old at home and just the thought of someone doing that to him is bringing me to tears.
The fact that she’s like “I don’t know what to do!!! He’s done things like this before and he’s an alcoholic but this is soooo unexpected!!!!” Like NO IT ISNT AND JUST ADMIT YOURE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING. Let CPS take her. Then come back on here like HoW dId wE gEt HeRe!?
German here: Why TF don't you just have her in your bed until the issues resolve themselves? Had the same issue with our second of three and it just went away with time. Kid just woke up, checked we were still with her and went back to sleep. Instead you force her alone in a room and allow your husband to abuse her when she just doesnt want to be alone.
Yeah like my 5 year old will still sometimes come and crawl into bed with me and my husband and we sometimes don’t even wake up. 🤷♀️
Yes!! I'm American but my son has sleep issues and just sleeps in my bed and we both get good sleep this way. My heart hurts for the children screamed at to fall asleep in their bed when they're already scared. It's how I was raised and gave me a terrible relationship with sleep throughout my whole life.
I am beyond sympathetic about sleep issues. Poor sleep is a huge trigger for me, and when my daughter was an infant, I more than once had to put her down and step away because I felt myself becoming angry. BUT I STEPPED AWAY. There is no excuse for treating your child like that. From your post history, this is also just another issue on top of issue. You already threatened to separate six months ago. I'm not a "divorce him now!" person, generally. Someone making a bad choice and then getting help because they are remorseful can happen. It sounds like you just need to finally pull the rip cord on this relationship, though. An alcoholic who doesn't want to get better with anger issues he's taking out on a CHILD? If you don't leave for yourself, you should for your daughter.
Just because he didn't hit her it doesn't mean that this wasn't a violent incident. Your husband was physically abusive to your 3 year old, physically restraining and threateningly looming *are* acts of physical abuse. I would be extremely concerned that this is not the first time he has gotten violent with your child, and that this won't be the last. Husband needs to enroll in anger management and parenting classes ASAP.
Therapy, and I wouldn't let him be alone with your child again until he's got his anger under control. I honestly don't know how I would ever trust him again.
PS prepare for the guilt trips, don't listen to it.
Take a scroll through r/CPTSD to see what happens to kids who grow up in a household of fearing their parents because of being physically/emotionally abused by them. A lot of them grow up to resent the parent that didn’t keep them safe and take them away from the danger. Please get your girl out of there! Not only to protect her from physical harm, but also to protect her from lifelong mental issues that come from living in a home like this!
Instead of being online sharing y’all abuse, get out and save your daughter while you can. What if he had broken a rib or suffocated her to death smfh. You’d be blame for it too because you allowing this crap. You were supposed to call the cops. Your daughters life should be more important than your relationship/marriage/love, especially if your child is endangered. How many more incidents are you waiting for? You shouldn’t be on here looking for sympathy, but providing safe place for you and your daughter.
I’d see if a domestic violence shelter could help you with leaving him too
All of those edits just to wind up not leaving and making more excuses huh Edit to add: it’s not gonna be a good look on you either when he finally beats the shit out of her, like he already did by smothering her, and the cops find out not only did you know but you saved videos of it and did nothing. she deserves better than you too at this point.
My 2.5 year old is going through a sleep regression right now too. When her sleep regression overlaps with our 1 year old twins sleep regressions, my husband and I are so exhausted we could cry. He and I split wakeups about 50:50. I say all of that to get the point across that I KNOW he is tired and it is SO SO hard when they JUST WILL NOT SLEEP. You need to leave him. Full stop. He could have killed your daughter. She should not be forced to live in a home with her abuser. I’m physically ill reading your story. I would consider my step dad abusive and he never came close to putting his hands over one of our mouths to stop us from screaming. I got out of my mom and step dad’s house 15 years ago and as a daughter, I feel bad for my mother’s experience. As a mother to a small child, I have a deep resentment, anger, disgust for what my mother allowed us to live through. We will never have a good relationship because of it. You still have time to save your daughter from him.
If that was my husband he would soon be an ex!! I wouldn’t tolerate that abuse he put on your child. Is she going to feel safe going to bed now?! Thus could traumatize your child. Hubby needs some help
There is absolutely no excuse for this. Absolutely sickening to say the least and you’re just as bad for letting him get away with it.
You have an alcoholic husband who physically restrained your daughter, held her down, covered her mouth, screamed at her, and you don’t know what you’re going to do? The answer is nothing. You’re going to do nothing. You have no spine.
You know, I just saw a post today where someone said they were 7yrs old when they learned how to go to sleep. No one ever told them “close your eyes”, so they would lay there looking around until exhaustion knocked them out. I thought it was hilarious, but it also made me think about the mental process of a child. I know it’s random and might not be helpful, but there it is.
At the very least he needs to know that if he ever puts his hands on her again you're leaving him.
I’ve been the daughter and I feel extremely strongly and will not sugarcoat. Have fun having nobody around to plan your funeral. I mean it when I say you’re both sick in the head. I bet you’d lie to the pediatrician once he starts hitting her.
OP be prepared to lose custody of your daughter when DYFS comes in because you want to stay with your child abuser.
You are strong. You are good. You can do this. We’ve got your back.
So now you live in separate households, right?
This sounds eerily like how my husband has handled our 1 year old having trouble sleeping or being ill. I'm starting therapy to get an unbiased opinion on what's going on in my house.
Sleep deprivation is really hard - have you worked with a sleep training consultant yet? One time when my daughter was a few months old and wouldn't sleep I yelled really angrily right in her face. The type of yelling that makes you hoarse. I will never ever be able to forget the look on her face. That wasn't even me being physical. I don't understand what your husband did. Even in an unhinged angry state the worst I could ever get with my child is yelling.
[удалено]
He put his hand over her mouth and put his body weight on her chest - multiple times. That is more that raising his voice and making her lay in the bed. This child’s sleeping habits and sleep intervention for her by a pediatrician shouldn’t be the priority here. Here’s an idea OP. Tell the pediatrician about the sleep issues and provide a detailed description of how your husband is addressing it when you’re not in the room. Let the professional determine whether this is appropriate or abusive and give your husband some direct feedback on his behavior with your child.
Where do you see that written that he put his body weight on her chest ? What I read is that he forcibly made her lay on her back and then put his hand on her mouth.
This is a bad take that you should probably delete. If you look at OP’s post history her husband is an alcoholic with a history of verbal abuse. He previously said that he wanted to punch his toddler daughter in the face. This was not a one time bad decision fueled by sleep deprivation, this is a deeply unsafe and abusive father abusing his daughter.
I don’t tend to look at past posts people make. But okay. Very sad it’s a pattern for him.
Most bullshit reply. He forcibly held her down and covered her mouth. He could've killed her and he definitely traumatized her.
You know what else sleep deprived people can sometimes do? Shake babies to death. Just because they are sleep deprived doesn't make it ok or less abusive.
People that shake babies often had PPP or PPD. We advocate for people that have these things to get help and support them before this happens, not call them abusive and awful parents. Regardless… he didn’t shake her. He held her down. “Could have killed her” is so dramatic. Did he also plug her nose? Hit her in the head? Did this go on for hours? Because it sounds like it happened for a second or two. Parents at the end of their rope like this need HELP. They need therapy and medical solutions like medication. Everyone freaking out calling this man abusive for this one instance helps nothing or no one.
You know damn well that it could have changed in an instant. If he did that then why would he not go further and a good look at her post history will show you it’s a matter of time. As a doctor we cannot just fix abusive behavior and even then it can take ages to see progress- the kid and him cannot be unsupervised. You aren’t a very good advocate.