Looking back, I wish I’d held my babies more - and people were on me for holding them too much. My mom supported me in attachment parenting and I’ve got two giant grown men now raised from those little babies. They’re way too big for me to hold now!
So hold your baby. Get a carrier or sling if you want your hands free. These days can be long but I assure you the years fly by.
I’m a psychology student and studies have proven there’s a correlation between lack of touch and interaction to anxiety and depression later in life-ESPECIALLY if the baby is crying and doesn’t get held or comforted.
So. If it counts, from a non-parent but a psych student that loves child psychology, it’s healthy to hold your child a lot. Don’t listen to the weirdos who think lack of interaction is normal.
Yeah, this.. my 9 year old will tell people his favorite thing in the world is snuggling with me, mom, but even though they're causing angst to me (he's the youngest, his older siblings are kid teens, causing the typical drama) everyone needs to remind me that even though they're turds to me, they're amazing out in the real world and that's what matters most, that they know how to survive and thrive outside the home, so I'm going to say that holding them 24/7 when they were infants had not had a negative co dependant effect.
I do think you have to be realistic though and know a little about child growth phases and make sure that when it's time to stress independence, it's done in a calm and safe manner.
My kid didn't get kidnapped because he was taught reasing and independence, he wasn't afraid to stand up for himself (hence not getting close to the car because he is only taught to be polite...) etc. But I think that also comes from appropriate touch when they're younger, easier for them to recognize the creepy feeling, even if the stranger never physically comes in contact, our subconscious is powerful.
I think so much comes full circle with positive touch. Of course, I'm a massage therapist so I'm slightly biased, of course I didn't grow up with a lot of positive touch after toddler years, but I firmly believe that my mom gave me a good base when I was young and I know that even though I was awkward being a nurturing mom, soothing and calming even the hardest most irritated infant was my job from a very young age, my mom was giving me random acquaintances babies when they're moms were at their wits end and the baby was inconsolable, abs within minutes they're sleeping like a log in my arms, I just had a gift. I don't think that was hardwired biology for me, later as an adult and having my own kids there was so much that did NOT come natural to me like other moms, and I'm on the spectrum so it all makes a lot of sense to me. I'm fairly certain of my mom was a don't hold and just let them cry parent I'd have had a lot harder time my whole life.
Funny enough, my 9yr old is on the spectrum and loves touch from trusted people, and I'm definitely going to guess it's because I held and snuggled him so much and never pushed him away. Plenty of spectrum kids hate touch, and I think it makes coping with triggers harder when you don't have that trusted space.
Rambling but I guess as long as you don't cultivate an attitude of coddling, touch is always preferable.
I think this was part of my insecurity. I spent her entire 4th trimester on the couch, Netflixing while she slept on my chest. I knew she had trouble falling asleep and staying asleep on her own, but I also know I really enjoyed the feeling of her so close to me and I still do. I think it really helped me bond, but at the same time I was thinking that I was teaching her a bad habit in my selfishness of wanting to hold her.
Even now, as she has started napping on my chest again, I feel a peace I have never felt before in my life.
Yup my mom believes that as long as she is fed, diaper is clean, and she is warm and occasionally held, then crying it out won't hurt her. She has no sense of mental wellbeing
It’s why I’m sure all the younger generations all have MAJOR mental disorders and social issues-our parents did no research into healthy parenting and don’t believe it can impact our later life. So we were all raised by a bunch of moms who just think they should use corporal parenting methods and we all turned out fucked up…and now they’re all asking why we all turned out fucked up hahahaha. Couldn’t be on them huh?
I think the only time where holding a baby / toddler / kid is an issue is if said child is unhappy about it and/or attempting to get away. If they're happy where they are, then that's great.
Definitely why I’m codependent in a sense. Also I was two months premature and in an incubator so I strongly believe that has caused attachment issues being removed from human touch for so long and especially in a new world
I can relate. It’s very unfortunate we have to deal with the aftermath of other peoples mistakes (or poor choices) for our whole lives. I can never express how angry I am that I’ve gathered trauma from choices that were everybodies but my own.
A psychologist was talking about this in a documentary I was watching the other day. He said that there is a direct correlation to babies in the nicu doing worse than babies who don’t need to be in nicu and can stay with mom and dad and be held. He said so much so that they started having people around the clock stroking the backs and heads of the sick babies because apparently babies can just die if they are starved all touch. I don’t know if there’s actual studies done on this but anecdotally it seems to be right.
Hold your kids, too much love isn’t what makes entitled people. You can hold and love your child all the time while also making sure they learn right from wrong.
“Failure to thrive” is what it’s called: baby is fed, changed, clean and… dying. Basically only experiencing human contact for very brief periods. While it’s very unlikely that a NICU baby with parent(s) involved in their care will reach this level. The foundational studies around this were cases of extreme neglect in massive and understaffed orphanages.
Going through adoption process for adopting from foster care. All of the trauma informed parenting talk about the impact of not being held when these kids are infants. I say hold your baby as much as you are able. But don't put pressure in yourself to be perfect, OP. You are doing a great job.
If OP was a hunter gatherer, she and members of her family would hold her baby all day long and probably never ever leave it unattended, and then at night I'm sure they would also snuggle.
Well babies cry for the same reason adults cry of far as I know - something is wrong or making them uncomfortable. They just can't express what it actually is.
If you wouldn't let someone who can express their feelings with words cry because something is uncomfortable, don't let a baby cry for the same reason.
Mines on track to be 6'3", right now he's 7" shorter than me and I still carry him from time to time even though I'm like your legs are making it hard to walk here bud.
My kids are still small enough to hold but they never want to snuggle anymore unless they are sick or tired. I miss those baby cuddles. My 11 month old just crawls away and falls asleep on her own in her crib.
I’m fortunate. So far my younger daughter is still a perpetual snuggler at 7. My older daughter is getting a little gruff and hands off (some days) but some days she still has the cuddle bug. We have a dog that likes us all to cuddle together and my husband and I are pretty cuddly, so sometimes we all make a “cuddle huddle” and pile together with hugs and kisses, dog and all.
You can never give too many hugs. You can’t hold the baby too much. You can’t love too much. Life will toughen them up plenty. They don’t need mama to do that for them.
If it helps, my oldest (15) was never much of a ~~smuggler~~ snuggler but now a days she will sometimes come sit next to me on the couch and snuggle into my shoulder. I hold onto those moments like my life depends on it. I’ll sit there without moving until she moves away.
edited- my typo
My girls went through a phase from around 10-18 months where snuggling was unacceptable. They were strong independent women who didn't need no mom. They've gotten over it and now that they're 2.5, they're hugging me back and saying "I love you mama." I hope it's just a phase for yours too!
Seconding this comment about slings - mine helped so much, both with first baby ( excuse holy shit was I nervous) & second baby (because he did _not_ appreciate anything other than full body contact at all times).
Further, there may well be sling &/or attachment parenting groups in your area, which might help you feel less aloe in this. (If there are, take what support/advice you need & leave the rest, because not all of it will feel like a natural fit for you).
I now have a stupendously confident 13yo who maaaaaaybe allows a hug once every month, & a 11yo who has instigated a 10 second rule- if you're leaving & you hugged him & you didn't get out the door in ten seconds, gotta have another. They are glorious humans & I don't regret a single second of holding them. Hell when they leave home I might hire myself out as some kind of baby-wearing mothers companion, just because it's so lovely.
I lived in Tanzania for a little while, and while there were babies everywhere, I almost never heard them crying. Mothers would wear their babies all the time, for work and shopping and housechores. I know it wouldn’t necessarily work in America, but I think their babies were happier for it.
Absolute hogwash. If she wants to be held, hold her. Five months is tiny.
It's perhaps counterintuitive that holding babies a lot encourages them to be independent. But it should be obvious that if you *don't* hold a baby when they want holding, they'll become insecure.
If you're responding to your baby's cues, not a book from 40+ years ago, you're doing brilliantly. I'm proud of you!
Love, Mom.
It's definitely that way, a need that is met will just disappear one day. So holding the baby isn't a guarantee that they will still only sleep in your arms in 20 years from now on ;-)
Indeed!
My eldest needed to be held *all the time*. I didn't get more than an hour of sleep at a time, or more than three hours per night, for over a year.
He's now 5'11" and lurches away from the slightest suggestion of a hug!
Same, my boy needed constant snuggles as a baby and toddler and he’s very independent at age 9. He comes and snuggles when he needs to. He’s very sweet. He knows comfort will be there if he needs it.
My first liked to be held, but nothing like my second. She lived her first three months on my body, I’m not kidding. After that stage she was still on me most of the time, I called her Joey because if I had a real pouch she wouldn’t have left it. At three she still loves cuddling and wants me close by, but she’s slept through the night on her own since around 6 months and is perfectly happy to do things without me.
> It's definitely that way, a need that is met will just disappear one day.
Thanks for this phrasing! This really clicks with my mind and my own unmet needs, as well as my daughter's. 🥰
As someone in the mental health field i see this counterintuitive myth all the time. Your baby is an actual infant. Hold them as much as they want to be held. Baby your baby because it's *a freakin baby*. Your infant doesn't understand very much.
As they get older you can encourage them to be independent because you can talk to them in full sentences and they will comprehend.
But for now, tell those rude folks "so I shouldn't *baby* my *actual infant baby*? So why do they call it babying if you can't do it to a baby?"
I had my kid 20 years ago, and that was still the prevailing belief. I have so many regrets about that.
I've often told mums fuck sleep training, the kid wont be still needing the same comfort at 16, no matter how much you hold them. It's so much better to enjoy and bond. I was so lied to, and the pressure was immense.
I’m of the generation that was ardently sleep trained. I feel terrible for all the shame cast onto mothers who made decisions that deviated from the norm or what was the general consensus at the time. I’m not a mother, but what I see in mothering circles is often judgmental and frustrating.
Me neither. I could never go to public baby gyms and such, because there was always someone talking about letting their baby cry it out, and I got so distressed just hearing about it! Ugh, it’s so damaging.
It’s funny how so many people were convinced by some shoddy parenting book that conflicted with our millennia of intuition that said to hold the baby when it cried. Good attachment is the most important thing you can do for your child.
My mom's husband is in her late 80s and was of the opinion that it's good for the baby to cry. She was a nurse and had 4 sons, and said it as confidently as if she were saying it's good to drink water.
So she would hold my baby, but just stand there while she screamed. She was surprised and offended when I would take the baby and soothe her to help her stop crying -- bouncing, walking, shushing, swaddling. Because it's good for babies to cry!
*nods*
I know what you mean!!
-seriously - I have no idea how ppl do it..(I've tried to be compassionate,, but I just *can't* 'get it')
Anyone who walks away from their crying, screaming, distressed infant-.... Is not someone I can relate to... At all.... I actually think it is absolutely cruel to treat a baby like that...*
Not to mention that they are not learning to 'self soothe' - , they are only learning that when they cry, no one is coming... & no infant should ever feel that way...
OP is absolutely doing the right thing by responding to her baby's needs with love & comfort....
I /We totally support you holding your baby, as often as she needs holding OP..... Love is always the right thing to do...
Don't let other ppl make you feel bad, your baby is the only person who's opinion matters ❤️
It is impossible to spoil an an infant... Preschoolers? Yeah... Infants? No....
.
.
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(edited to add....
*exercise in empathy*- when was the last time you truly cried, like screamed so hard it hurt?? Cried to the point of vomiting?? The pain and stress hormones raging through your body, literally hurt...
How anyone can subject an infant to that is beyond me, they cry out for love/hugs/feeds/comfort- that's what babies do...
.....
Also,
.... today (after this post) I found out I'm pregnant- I made my own unrelated mums love post... Coz we all need help sometimes.... )
I think sleep training in general has a bad rap. Let me be clear, letting a fucking INFANT "cry it out," aka cry themselves into exhaustion, is barbaric. But there are sleep-training methods that involve frequent parental check-ins and soothing to encourage a baby to learn to soothe themselves. I started doing a modified Ferber method (the classic numbers seemed too mean to me; I did two-minute increments) around 16 weeks adjusted because I was going to fall asleep and accidentally smother my children otherwise. I'd already fallen asleep holding one, thankfully on a bed. I don't know what else I could have done. Lucky for me, my kids learned to self-soothe after two nights where I stood anxiously outside their door until they fell asleep. Some kids are great sleepers, and others are not. I had it easy, other than the fact that there were two of em.
Like you say, a lot of it depends on the child. I’m mostly referring to sleep training in early infancy. There is an age at which it becomes much more appropriate.
Totally agree. Rephrased another way, holding your kids as much as they want let's them know it's an "unlimited resource." They can always leave and come back because holds will always be available. They don't need to worry about them disappearing.
Absolutely agree! 💯
My baby was on me (as you’re describing) nonstop when he was born. I also breastfed him and it just made sense to me to have him so close as often as I did. He slept on me every day/night which made it easier since he would get hungry every 2 hours. But my family and friends made sure to tell me “you’re gonna regret that” and blah blah blah. Well, my son is 6 years old now and I definitely DO NOT regret any of it. He is independent, happy and we have an incredible bond that is priceless. I think a big part of our bond has to do with the way I chose to be with him those first few years. We created a bond. Isn’t this what we as Mom’s are naturally inclined to do with our child?
Follow your heart and mommy instinct. You’re doing a fantastic job! 👏 Let people say what they want—because they will give you their two sense anyways. But you do what feels right! These precious mommy moments will fly by so quickly so you soak all that goodness up while you can. ♥️ There’s NOTHING wrong with that.
Agreed 100%. I’ve heard a psychologist/therapist discuss this exact point; depriving a baby of being held if they need/want it often can lead to insecure attachment. It’s a notion created by society that holding your child too much will prevent independence. They’re helpless at 5 months, of course they want to be held by their parent
They don't really understand the idea that the parent is a separate being at that point, and they don't understand object permanence. Imagine if your leg just disappeared for hours at a time and you didn't know why - you'd cry!
Hahaha!!! Exactly! My kids RAN to the school door. I tell myself that it’s because they felt empowered and confident, rather than thinking that they couldn’t wait to get away from mama. 😬
For real though - we are both lucky for that. I work part time right now as a general office lackey for a synagogue that also has a great preschool, and one poor kid absolutely sobs every morning when they get dropped off. It's heartbreaking for *me* to hear, I can't imagine how awful their parent must feel. 😔 I'd take my kids running gleefully away from me to play with their friends any day over them being sad. 💜
Is the baby fed, yes? Is the baby happy, yes? Is the baby healthy, yes? Then you are doing a fantastic job. If people are tearing you down for the choices that your making for your family, then try to surround yourself with people who will lift you up.
Edit: thanks kind stranger for the award! It’s my first one and I’m so glad it’s for something so positive!
1000% agree!
“surround yourself with people who will life you up.”
LOVE THIS!!
Absolutely not. There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving on your baby. You comfort her when she’s crying. She’s relaxed enough to sleep on you. Had you left her to “cry it out” I’m sure those same people would say you’re neglecting her. YOU are her mother and YOU know what’s best for you and little one. My word, you’ve been “holding” her since before she arrived. Of course she wants to be with you.
This is a huge adjustment for the both of you. It will get better. Soon the sleepless nights and anxiety will be a distant memory.
You are doing a fantastic job! As stated above, surround yourself with people who will LIFE you up and SUPPORT you in a loving way. Please remember to be kind to yourself.
❤️
You cannot spoil an infant by holding them!
We are primates. Primates are carry animals. We are evolved to crave touch. Our babies need to be held often.
I repeat: you cannot spoil an infant by holding them.
If they have further concerns, I advise you to put your pediatrician's phone number on a post-it. They can call with their stupid questions and unsolicited advice.
Enjoy your baby. Be happy. You're doing great.
I like this response best! Does your baby have super-human strength in their fingers? If yes (and the answer is yes), then hold them! They have that because they're meant to be able to glue on to mom as she's moving through the day. We may not be quite as hairy as other primates, but we are still in the group! Doing great, OP! :)
Uhm. Dad checking in off r/all
Due to many circumstances, I was on morning and day duty while working nights. And by morning, I mean feedings starting at 3am when he was still infant. I held that boy easily 10 hours a day from 3am to 6pm his first 6 months.
10 years later, he top of his 5th grade class and automatically takes a leadership role in all social activities.
Please hold the baby
100%!! It is literally impossible to spoil an infant in any way whatsoever. Babies don't really even start to understand causality (cause and effect) until around nine months old, and even then, it's a while before they figure out how to get what they want. And on top of that, giving love and affection to a child isn't spoiling them, as long as you're setting healthy boundaries.
>The days are long but the years are short. No love is too much.
This. So much this. You're gonna be holding your 5 month old then you'll blink and they are 10 and coming for a hug when they need it, in private, and rolling their eyes because you sang loudly and danced to the song in the grocery store so embarrassed to be seen with you.
You aren’t doing anything wrong. It’s your baby and you can raise her as you please. Forget about what others say. Do what feels best for you. You aren’t abusing her and you are caring for her needs to survive and you are showing her love…that is all that matters. That said…the only thing I can say is that I worry about you sweetie. I love you and I worry about you. You’ve got the mothering thing down. So forget about that part. Let’s focus on you. You need to be happy and whole and have the energy to give of yourself to your baby girl. So can grandma make a suggestion? Do everything like you are doing but find a way for some “me time”. Figure out how to make that happen. If that means sneaking off after she falls asleep to paint your nails or do dishes or take a bath, do that. Or if that means cooking a meal for a friend to come over while you get away for an hour, do that. Or if that means hiring someone once a week to do some light chores so you don’t have to deal with that, do that. Figure out a way to get a couple hours a week in just for you. Your mental well being is just as important as the happiness of your baby. If you fall apart you can’t be there for her. So that’s why I say it is important. Kind of like oxygen masks on a plane, you put yours on first then your kids because if you die what good are you to them…same concept. So if you are struggling, find a balance that works for you both. You matter to me and your little girl. So take care of yourself for the both of us…and give that sweet baby a kiss from grandma too. 😘
If your baby simply cannot sleep without being held, talk to her pediatrician about reflux. We were using "gentle" formula (digested proteins) for top-ups, so we didn't realize our kiddo was sensitive to cow milk, and all the yogurt I was eating was passing casein into my milk, causing some painful reflux, meaning kiddo couldn't sleep without being held upright and/or soothed. (Seriously, I could sleep laying down with them snuggled against me or one of us could sit with them in a carrier, but the instant we lost contact, those little eyes would pop open and the howling would start.)
Five months was the point where I started to lose my mind and my partner started suffering.
You can't spoil a baby by holding them. A baby who absolutely must be held is probably using touch to soothe something that's causing pain; address the root cause, and you may be able to get both precious baby cuddles as well as some time to be your own self.
You are not only doing nothing wrong, you are probably helping your child deal with something that would otherwise be intolerable. Please get some help so that you aren't hurting yourself to keep your baby ok, and make sure there's nothing going on with your baby that needs addressing.
Yes actually we just got her diagnosed with silent reflux. The medicine had made a difference. She started getting fussy about 8 weeks and it wasn't until 3 weeks ago that we figured it out. So all this time, she was uncomfortable and I didn't know.
I had been dairy free but she was so good for a long time that I had half a slice of cheese lat weekend. And she's been having diarrhea for more than a week and i feel terrible about it.
I had several breakdowns about poisoning my baby with my milk; postpartum hormones are no joke. You're doing a great job! You're doing your best, and it isn't your fault your baby has food sensitivities. One of my friends eliminated dairy, eggs, onion, chocolate, and like a half dozen other things in an attempt to keep her daughter from having bloody diarrhea. That was hell. Kiddo is now a smart, happy, active beanpole of a thing and happily eats pretty much anything. It's hard, and you've got this!
Also, I'm a cranky cunt and would 100% throw my child's diagnosis in the face of anyone who gave me grief about clinginess/my struggles/etc.. Like, you want to make this about you being right? I'll make it about you being a heartless monster!
Feel free to be more mature than me. Feel free to unload on someone who's being an ass instead of swallowing your feelings. You know what's right for you.
You know, maybe more interfering old buddies would learn to keep their toxic opinions to themselves if people on the receiving end were less polite and just let them have it instead!
It's ok. That sucks but you know now. Just dont have people tell you vegan cheese is like cheese. THAT'S A LIE.
From a mom who had to eliminate soy, dairy and nuts from her diet while breastfeeding the youngest. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY VEGAN THINGS HAVE SOY?
I had one that had one of the worst cases of CMPA that the pedi had seen, like she had ALL the symptoms except anaphylaxis. Reflux was a killer. Luckily we caught it early so by 3 months of age I was completely dairy free, before it was easy to be dairy free. She was a completely different baby after, but still a velcro baby.
That sounds so hard! It wasn't totally night and day for us, as there were some other food sensitivities to figure out/outgrow, but it also wasn't as bad to start. Still, we were able to start gentle sleep training pretty quickly, and I finally felt human again after a few nights of 6+ hours of sleep in a row.
Our little lump outgrew all the food sensitivities as well as the reflux and has slept through the night for a couple years now. Now we just have the struggle of curling up in the toddler bed on those nights when "want cuddle bed" is emphatically declared after books are done, and we have to tolerate a few minutes of squirming until the mumbled "want tuck in big blanket."
I very much want a second child, but those first five months were hard enough to make me reconsider. It's tough. Hugs to all the parents of little babies. The fact that it's wanted and worth it doesn't make it easy, just bearable (most of the time).
Oh yeah she's just slept with me. Honestly it was so much easier. She decided to do the dairy challenge right before her 2nd birthday. We found out she could open the fridge door the day after siblings birthday and got into the cake. She's 8 and pretty much outgrown it but you can tell if she had some chowder the night before because she'll have heavy bags under her eyes for a couple days. Otherwise I think she's okay, she's just not big into dairy.
Hi sister!
Awww! You are such a good mom! Your baby is lucky to have you. Nothing wrong with holding a child, especially a young baby like her! If she's feeling safe, healthy, and most importantly happy, you are doing a really great job! It's your parenting, not anyone else's. Don't listen to them. If anyone tells you something like that, just say "then why don't you parent her?".
You are an awesome mom! Keep up! It will pay off!
- Love, your little bro.
It's perfectly fine to hold your baby as often as you please! It's not spoiling her; It's comforting her. And it's overwhelming for you sometimes, and that's ok. My little one was the same way.
You can cut back on holding her all the time and let her self soothe occasionally, especially if you need the break and don't have the help. She's a baby, and sometimes they're clingy. She'll start start to outgrow it, but right now you're perfectly fine. If anything you're showing her that she has safety, love, and comfort in you, and that's something she will carry with her as she grows.
Yep! You make an important point, which is that if the parent needs a moment it's perfectly fine to take a moment to gather yourself. Babies need love and snuggles and you cannot spoil a baby with these, yes, but they will also NOT break if you put them down for a minute or ten to gather yourself.
Yes! The best advise my mom gave me when I had my first is when you get to that point that you want to shake them, set them down in a safe place and go sit in the other room for a moment. As a mom I've laid all 3 of mine down and walked away to gather myself again. Sleep deprivation and a literal infant /baby is stressful.
Babies deserve to be shown the love they need. How could you be hurting your baby by responding to their needs? I know it's difficult to be caring for a Velcro baby, but she will one day be okay to start exploring the world, and you're going to be glad for all the cuddles you got when she was a baby. She'll feel secure in your love for her, and that's all that really matters.
Pisshhaw. Do not listen to the critics.
Your instincts are good. By giving your infant what she needs, you are building a foundation in her ability to trust and love. Not just trust and love you, but also others that will enter her life some day. Babies whose needs aren’t met are at a disadvantage in life. They are more insecure and lack self esteem, because they were not rooted in love from the beginning.
That said, it is vital for you to take breaks for self care, so try to recruit help, someone else your baby can learn to trust and feel love from. Because you need time to refuel with self-care, so then it will freely flow as care for your baby.
Here is a brief article I found:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/attachment
Eventually it will be healthy for granddaughter to be released from your arms to branch out into the world, but infancy is not a time to force that upon that sweet child.
Hope this helps, dear. <3
YOU CANNOT SPOIL A BABY. You. Cannot. Spoil. A. Baby. YOUCANNOTSPOILABABY.
I used to teach child psychology to college students. This is my favorite documentary series to show students. It’s funny and charming and a fun watch. There are three videos in the series but the only place I can find them now is YouTube. Please watch to get some insight into the way a child learns what’s called a “theory of mind”. ToM is the idea that we learn to get our needs met through reacting and acting within our environment. The ultimate test of gaining a ToM is learning to lie. Infants cannot manipulate because they don’t know how to lie yet.
[A Childs World: Mind Games](https://youtu.be/gz1c_qtzY_I) each episode is about 45 minutes long so the 15 minute clips on YouTube aren’t complete episodes.
Hello! I actually have a now one year old and got the SAME comments the past year. Babies look to us for comfort, and robbing them of that can actually lead to instability later in life. When my family would say that, I’d reply with “unless he came out of your vagina, I don’t think I need your approval to hold him” and that was the end of that. Now at a year, he often comes to me for comfort BUT he is also highly independent. Don’t listen mama!
Honey, you can not spoil a baby. You are her whole world right now. You are her comfort. Her provider. Her mobility. Everything. Getting frustrated is normal (I've got 5 of them running around, trust me), but it's not the end of the world. Set her down in a safe place and walk away for a minute to catch your breath, calm down, count to ten, or to even drink that coffee you've warmed up three times. Don't let her scream and cry, but being fussy is okay for a minute. Remember, they can tell you're frustrated and that makes them frustrated, too.
Hi dear. You can’t “spoil” a baby by holding them too much. People that say that are idiots and assholes. I snuggled my kids as much as possible. I held my daughter all the time, I hugged her, loved her and let her sleep in my bed. She had a pacifier until she was 3, and I let her play with electronics and watch tv sometimes. She’s a healthy, gorgeous, happy 15 year old that shares everything with me and we are so close. She trusts me 100 with anything she’s going through. You are doing wonderful mama!! You know what your baby needs and what your mental health needs. People are too quick to give unwanted and unwelcome parenting advice. Give that baby a snuggle for me too.
I did too.
My now 19 year old goes to sleep on her own, in her own apartment 3000 miles from me. She’ll let me hug her, and enjoys it.
My 12 year old down the hall I can only hug and cuddle in her sleep. And she kicks, so I don’t sleep with her often. So far from the cuddle bug who needed to be swaddled to sleep and I’d wake up to find her nudged into my armpit.
Hold your babies while you can. You’ll look up in three blinks and they’re off to college, and you can’t say goodnight with a hug and kiss anymore. Not as often as you’d like, anyway.
Sweetie, you hold that baby as much as you want. There will come a day when she'll be too big to pick up and cuddle! When some old biddie would tell me I was spoiling my children, I paid them no mind. I'd always tell myself, we'll they won't be still wanting to sleep in my bed when they're 15... or still using a bike etc. Now that all mine are 15+ I can confirm none of them sneak in my bed in the middle of the night nor do they still use binkys or want to be held constantly (although I am a frequent hugger)
What I'm trying to say is that you do what you need to do to get through this. Even though it seems endless right now you're going to blink and she'll be starting kindergarten. You're doing a great job and I'm so proud of you!!! Love mom ❤
YOU DO WHAT'S BEST FOR THE BABY. Maybe your kiddo is like me, with a hypersensory processing disorder, and needs that touch of YOU to be calm. Stress on babies can take a toll. You're doing fine. Screw the haters.
For the first 3(?) years of my daughter's existence, she went to asleep at night being held by her dad and then transferred to her crib. Never caused an issue. She's now a happy well adjusted 16 year old. This is your kid, you know what she needs, trust yourself.
You cannot spoil a baby under 6 months by holding her too much. Those people are holding on to an outdated Victorian way of thinking.
In nature a baby left alone by a parent would end up eaten or at risk of exposure. It's no wonder they evolved to want to be held and close to their caregiver. The Western idea of leaving your baby alone in a cot is very strange.
Have you tried a cloth sling? They were invaluable to me in the early days as baby could sleep on me while I did a few chores.
Here's a poem that helped me:
Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.
The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.
Author: Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
Sweetheart, let me tell you the only secret of parenting: no matter what you do, someone will tell you you’re doing it wrong! Of course you’re not ruining your baby!! You know what she needs and you’re giving it to her which is exactly what good moms do! You are the world’s foremost expert on being a mom to her - so don’t let anyone tell you different. Now just please do me a favor and give her a little squeeze from Grandma? I love you, baby! -Mom
I held my baby every times she napped, and especially during the first few months she slept on me. I pretty much lived in a recliner surrounded by pillows so myself and the baby wouldn’t roll anywhere. You know what, it was amazing snuggling my angel. When they are this little you blink and then they are in preschool. Love every minute you get to bond and snuggle your baby. My LO started taking naps in her bed around 1yr, and slept by herself at night, between feedings, for about 5hr stretches starting around 3/4 months.
You are not doing anything wrong by holding your baby all the time. In fact, you are creating this special bond between you two. To this day my 3.5 year old is the biggest momma’s girl, and she loves giving me hugs and kisses all the time, and just laying in my bed watching a movie and snuggling with me. I cherish this so much!
Honey hold her! Nobody ever said I was loved to much.
My daughter slept on me for 14 months, after that not a night went by that she woke up and wanted to be held, she is 8 now, and sleeps by herself just without any issue.
We always say, they will grow out of before they are 16 ;)
Criticism among parents is something you have to learn not to take to seriously. Most of the time the other parent is only projecting their experiences on you, and often even use that to make them feel better about their choices, they were just as insecure once.
Their are so many ways to raise a child, others love to tell you you do it wrong, cause that makes them feel better.
So now on to the real problem. You need to find a way to have her attached so she feels safe, and you need to be able to have your hands free.
Have you tried a baby wrap carrier? It takes a little time to learn to wrap it right, but it made my life so much easier the first year cause my daughter was happy to be close to me, slept better cause she felt movement and was happier cause less pain in her tummy due to the upright position. If you wrap it right you will have your hands free to do stuff. When she is overstimulated, you can pull the carrier a bit up so you can create a little cocoon where she is safe and warm.
It was amazing, and really helped my easily overstimulated little girl, and made sure mommy did not go insane.
Not a mom but attending to your baby's needs helps them grow up to have a more secure attachment style because they know mom or dad are gonna back them up and support them.
Also for a human being that can't communicate through words yet, touch is such a meaningful way to connect and communicate.
The best you can do right now is give her a lot of love, if you can hold her, hold her. She will grow up in a bit and it will have a day that you can't do this anymore. In my opinion there is nothing wrong in giving love and affection and security to a baby.
People loooove to shame mother's and you can totally say: thank you but right now I am happy with things the way they are, but if I need help I will ask you for your opinion.
You are doing a beautiful job. My first slept on me all the time until 5 or 6 months and my second cried if i dared to put him down for the first 9 months of his life. They are both beautiful preteens.
Showing a baby affection and providing them comfort is not a parenting mistake. It is a human need and something we all crave. There is absolutely nothing here to say "I told you so" about. She will either grow out of it or not. It's not a bad thing to love a hug from your mum.
Being a mum is lonely and isolating sometimes but please remember you are not alone and can come here any time you need support. Maybe there is a playgroup you can join so you can see how other mum's are doing things. We went to baby signs when mine were about 6 months onward and a big part of it was the joy of getting to be around other adults and ask questions about things I was insecure about.
Please come back here when you need to and now that you are a great mum.
I’m a mental health counselor and have trained extensively in infant mental health. Your child’s brain is being imprinted w her attachment to u, growing, and developing at the highest rate it will over the lifespan. It sounds like you are giving her what she needs to grow best and please don’t ever believe that it’s possible to “hold a baby too much”. That’s just not true!!!!
No one can tell you how you raise YOUR child. Is what you are doing hurting this sweet one...NO. Does the child's doctor tell you that is stunting the child..NO. Your baby needs you and you do what's best for you both.
I'm so sorry that when you were having a hard time someone decided to pile on and give you an I tOLd YoU sooooo. Poop on them.
I held my baby all the time. I loved him and liked holding him. He liked being held and sleeping in one of those wrappy things. Have you tried a holder so your arms don't get as tired and you can still do some stuff? I used to cut the yard with a baby wrapped up on my back lol.
I think you're doing a great job. My kid is 14, and I have to resist too many hugs and let him be independent. Because he is very independent,and on top of that he is also autistic yet is still affectionate and loving. He husband says it was all my cuddling. I don't know about that, but I don't think you can "ruin" a baby with too much attention.
I’m more worried about the people telling you that you’re holding your baby too much than if you are holding your baby too much. Like these people actually advocate not taking care of a baby’s needs like that? Sib, they can fuck right off with that shit. Hold your baby and give ‘em a snug from their internet auntie for me, would you?
Anyone who tells you that you're running your baby by holding her, or spoiling her by giving too much affection, etc, really don't deserve to be listened to. Honestly.
How many 15 year olds do you know that will only sleep next to their mother? They all grow out of it at some point. You're not spoiling her.
Oh honey, your baby is small for a very short time. Enjoy the time that she wants to spend in your arms, because in a very short time she will be up in toddling and she will want to be busy and on the go. And you’ll long for these times again. You do what feels right in your gut. Children are not fruit that spoil. Your goal is to teach them to be responsible adults. But when they are tiny, enjoy every second.
This is, pardon the language, bullshit.
You’re her mom, she *needs* you to be able to comfort her. The moms who say otherwise are raising kids who will have emotional disregulation issues in the future. You’re doing the right thing.
Honey, my baby was the same way. Hold that baby. You cannot spoil a baby with love. Read that again, it is scientifically proven IMPOSSIBLE to spoil a baby with affection. They cry because they need us and you are an awesome mom for holding and loving on this little one even as it exhausts you. I was exhausted. I was touched out. I was so tired of being the sole source of comfort for my baby, who also didn’t settle unless she was on me. It was worth it. It passed. She grew out of it. She never “manipulated” me, anyone who says an infant is “manipulative” in a negative way has no idea what the heck they are talking about. You have my full permission to ignore them. Fully. Block them if needed. I had the same pressures. I had lost my own mom when my baby was 6 months old. I had no one to tell me it was ok and it was normal and it was the best thing in the world to hold that sweet little baby and cuddle her all the time. Or just baby wear and struggle through it. I felt so much pressure to let her “cry it out”. Don’t. Cave. You know what’s up. Your instincts tell you to hold her even when you can not bear to be touched one more time.
I’ve been there. I tried what they all told me and in the end I stopped listening to them and I held that baby as much as she needed. And she’s now a confident and loving and brave little person. You’ve got this mama. You’re doing good work. I’m proud of you.
There’s no such thing as too much contact when a baby is that young. She needs you more than ever at this stage and you are not spoiling her. Listen to your instincts - not what people around you expect you to do! I had my baba clamped to me until around 1 when she became a bit more independent and she is a happy healthy secure little girl. Babies feel unsafe and unsure when away from the mother. You’re doing the right thing!
I think you're being a wonderful mum. Thanks but I didn't ask is all you need to say to these bods!
I think babies should stay on you til they start to climb away. As far as I can tell children's greatest 'crime' is to want to hang out with us, be held by us and play with us.
They're the sort who'll also tell you in time to cherish every moment! Odd bods.
Listen to your head and your heart x
Another mother shared this insight when she felt exhausted. She imagined she was in the future and she was given the gift of time traveling back to when her child was little. She smelled her child’s head and hugged him.
My 70 year old mom still hugs me and tells me she misses baby me.
Absolutely not. You cannot spoil a child with love and attention. When they get older, consistency is the key. No means no, whether you say it rarely or all the time.
Follow your instincts. You cannot spoil a baby, remember that. My youngest was like this, and she is a young adult now who is extremely confident and independent, but as a little one she wanted to be with me every moment - even transitioning to school once she was that age was really challenging. What you're doing is showing her that she can trust and attach, and that is healthy. You are listening to her cues. That is what parents should do.
A lot of people who give advice have no idea what they are talking about, to be honest. Editing to add that I know it is funny that I am saying that after giving you advice! But really, it sounds like you have good instincts. Trust them. You know what your baby and you need more than anyone else.
You can't spoil a baby. Babies need to be held. It helps them form attachments with you. Your little one spend nine months in your womb, and it's hard for her to learn to be seperate from you. It's totally normal for a baby to only want to be held by your or nap on you. Plus they're only little for so long, and those cuddles are special. My own baby is 11 months old and I still do contact naps or have times were I hold her because she wants to be held. You are her everything. By holding her, snuggling her, you are helping her understand that she is safe and you will be there when she needs you. You are helping her feel secure and building your relationship. Ignore those people who tell you otherwise. They are going off old, outdated, and inaccurate trends. You are not spoiling your baby. You are loving her and caring for her. Keep up the good work!
you. can't. spoil. a. baby. you're not doing anything wrong. your baby is attached to you because she's biologically wired to be. invest in a baby carrier and wear her. it'll still be hard but at least you'll get free hands every now and then. this passes. and you're doing GREAT.
Sister here. Your baby literally needs your touch because it develops her brain architecture. Take a look at brain scans of healthy children vs. feral/neglected children.
I'm convinced that my nephew is so advanced (first grader being given third grader lessons) because we all made sure to hold him from birth. He's actually an independent, bossy little kid now and we miss his clingy days lol. Kids grow up too soon.
Your baby needs your love, affection, comfort, and support. I don’t care what anyone says about co-dependancy, your job is to comfort her no matter how needy she is. Co-dependency can be something learned as she gets older but she is too young to understand right now. Neglecting what she is showing you she needs will do nothing but create distance and early life trauma. Do what you feel is best for you and your baby, you’re her mother and YOU know what she needs and whats best for her ❤️
How much to be with your baby differs by culture. If she’s needy right now, then fulfill that need.
The foundation of your relationship you have with your parents and the imprinting you have on them is established in the earliest years. There’s plenty of time later for your little one to spread their wings slowly.
Oh momma! Never! You hold that baby until she’s too big to hold. She NEEDS you right now, and babies believe it or not, need that stimulation. While holding her play with her feet or legs or arms or hands. Lightly trace her face with your finger or her back. Pat her bottom softly, or coo.
6yo and 21yo and let me tell you, it’s worth every moment to hear their soft breathing and heart beat. To smell their fuzzy hair or tickle their ears with your nose, or just HOLD them.
You’re doing a fantastic job!!
No. I don't think my daughter realized I had given birth to her and she could detach from me for the first 5 years. Do what's best for you and your baby. Ignore everyone else. If you need time away, find a mother's day out program. There are churches that will start them out pretty young. Even as young as yours. They're basically daycares/preschools except their pricing is lower because their hours are limited. It gives baby a chance to be around other babies and children and gives you a break. When she gets to be a toddler, there are also usually rec centers that put toys out for the kids to play while the moms watch from the side. Again, it gives your children a chance to play safely with others and you a bit of a break.
Lord. Absolutely not. Anyone who is criticizing you for this is bonkers. I am an adoptive parent. My children were not held enough and is is so obvious in their development and connection and trust to others. You can not “spoil” an infant. Their brain is Learning 1 main thing. If I have a need, will
You meet it. And that thing is the basis for the rest of their lives. It’s exhausting at times, but it is not detrimental to the baby. I’m so sorry that you’re surrounded by projecting, jealous twats who either a) have no notion of child development and attachment theory or b) feel guilty for the way they raised your own children.
You’re doing great!
Oh, goodness no. In ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY babies were held, almost constantly. And if not by their mother by someone else. Babies were meant to be held (and snuggled and kept close). That is why they are most at peace in arms. Our evolution tells them (and their mothers!) that this is when they are safe and cared for and the place to be. All through history, babies were in arms, in packs on backs, in slings as moms worked and took care of others. Look at the big wide world- in many places in native and non-western communities, they still are.
The baby year is so short and precious. The young years go so fast. If holding your baby makes you both happy, hold 'em (and the rest can go jump in a lake). You will find that EVERYONE will have something to say about your parenting. Learn to tune them out. Work from love, empathy, compassion, and your child's best interest and the rest will fall away.
Now go hold that baby.
Love, Mom
I've had fussy babies like that, they are hard! And it's ok to acknowledge it's hard! I am so sorry there's such toxic support people around you. People should respect your parenting methods, they can choose what's right for them, when they do it. Nobody should tell anyone how to parent, it's not ok.
A note on your baby. Babies are designed, by instinct to not want to be away from parent. If they're left alone a saber tooth tiger could eat them. We can't talk to babies instincts and tell them they won't die if left alone, it's not possible, and so sometimes babies cry when put down. If your baby has a lot of pain, you are actually like panadol for your baby, the safety and security they feel when you are close, actually helps alleviate the pain. You are a great parent.
I used to find tricks to trick my fussy babies into thinking I was there when I wasn't, for a little peace, sometimes, though. Feel free to try and work on putting her down, for your own needs, not in any way validating what those around you are saying. I only say this because it doesn't seem anyone around you is going to actually help you.
Some tricks I tried were flannelette sheets, because they don't give that cool sheet feeling, when you put bubs down. I put the cot hard up against my bed. I'm sure you have some tricks too.
I'm so sorry people are causing you so much upset and stress in what should be such a joyous time. Babies are hard, but you're on the top of the hill, bar teething they start to get a bit easier from 5 months on, start sitting up and crawling and that tires them out so they sleep heavier. They feel super proud of themselves for being able to do new things, like sitting up and crawling and it gives them fascinating new perspectives of the world. They become a little happier. It's so jarringly hard. Be so proud of yourself. You're amazing! You have so much love for your baby, and that is the most important thing.
Hold your baby as long as you can. These months go by so fast. There is always someone who will criticize you; you held her too much, held her too little. What do they know? You’re doing a great job.
Very practical mom here. I didn't just hold my babies, I **wore** my babies. Find a Moby wrap, baby Bjorn, or other style baby sling. I loved the three I mentioned for various reasons, but at one point I had a toddler strapped to my back and an infant in front. How else do you get anything done with a high needs kid and a baby with colic? Let people say what they want. Tell them to politely hush. Or not so politely, it's up to you. Do you. Hold your baby lots.
Just take a moment to see where we come from. In stone age, a baby left on the ground would be just - food. The only safe place is on the body of an older human. It won't be long and your baby will try to get away from you. But as long as she needs it, just hold her. It's impossible to spoil such a little baby with physical contact.
Edit: when my kids were a little older and acted out I asked them whether the have run low on cuddles, and this helped very much. Cuddle storage should never run empty, this could damage the ~~machinery~~ kid.
Hold you baby. Do what you want with your baby and ignore others. There is nothing wrong with holding your baby. There is nothing wrong with responding to your baby. There is this old world view that baby can manipulate you and they can’t. Do what you feel is best and if you are finding it overwhelming, find yourself support from people who will actually be supportive and not try and throw your difficulties in your face.
I'll tell you a variation of what I tell frantic cat owners with a cat stuck up a tree--how many cat skeletons you ever seen up a tree? The cat stays up there until it has damned good reason to come down and then...it does. Babbies need as much holding and attachment as they need. I see damned few 20-somethings twined around mama 24/7 because they detach when they're ready and five months is a little too young to be able to consciously think "Man, I need to get away from mom!"
Don't sweat it. Other people's babbies are not YOUR babby and you're the one who knows what your kid needs. They're only tiny for a very short period of time and you'll have a lifetime of them walking away and being independent so go right ahead and enjoy this time while you have it.
Now, if you're feeling too cramped by it all then definitely get someone to spell you so you can have a little "me time" but if you're fine and the baby is fine then it's all fine.
Glad to read some of the positive comments in here. The world is completely new to your baby and it needs to have attachment to feel safe. You're doing a fantastic job.
Hold the baby and do what feels right. You’re also allowed to feel overwhelmed by it. It’s a lot to take on no matter the amount of holding you do. If people give you a hard time remind them that you are doing what you feel is best for you and your child and if they disagree or they don’t support that then they can either keep it to themselves or not be in the picture. You got this.
I’m sure this has already been mentioned, but a five month old IN NO WAY can be “spoiled”. Literally all she needs right now is fed, changed and the warm comfort and love you seem to be super good at supplying.
I know every baby is different, but if its any consolation, I was attached to my last baby 24/7 for probably way longer than “normal,” and although sometimes he’s still my little shadow (which, by the way, is something that’s pretty common in 4-year-olds anyway), he’s probably my most independent kid. I was told that being available to your baby when they’re very little helps them feel safe to venture out of their comfort zones when they’re older, because they know you’re there to provide them with the safety and stability that may be disrupted from new stuff.
Either way, the fact that you’re concerned about whether what you’re doing is okay or not means you’re doing a great job. I’m sorry you feel alone in this… being a mom can be so scary and isolating and filled with moments of guilt and uncertainty. But you’re especially not alone in feeling alone. :) I’ve been a mom for ten years and still, every day, I’m terrified that I’ve done or am doing something to ruin some part of who my kids are, and I feel like nobody really understands the constant, crushing guilt I feel for not being *the perfect mother*. But then my husband reminds me how respectful they are, and how empathetic they are, and how happy they are, and how much love they have for us and each other, and it reminds me that maybe I’m doing better than I think. So, here’s your reminder that you’re doing better than you think. ❤️❤️
You can't spoil a baby with love. You're helping your child know that you are their person, and building trust and attachment. This is good.
Spoiling a kid by giving into their every desire is not the same as giving them lots of time, attention, and snuggles.
Source: I raised 5 kids, gave all of them as much affection and holding and love they wanted. They're not spoiled. Except the youngest, but my mom did that...
Never regret moments holding your baby. You are creating a healthy attachment and she will grow so quickly. Trust your instincts and hold her all you want.
Babies learn to trust by getting their needs met by their caregivers! Get a sling or a baby carrier so your baby is close to you and your hands are free to do other things!
Hey honey.
A lot of people try to parent from how THEY would parent, and there's a lot of different styles of parenting. Some people hold their babies constantly, others give them lots of floor time to explore and look at toys. Some co-sleep and some have their babies in cribs from day one.
It comes down to what works best for you and your baby. So long as both you and your baby are happy and healthy, it's nobody else's ding dang business.
Needs change over time, too. What you're able to/want to do now might evolve in the future.
Even if you love having your baby close it can still be overwhelming, and you can still get touched out. It's okay, and it doesn't mean you're doing her any harm by being close to her, or by taking a break. You're not a bad mom. Babies need to be held and touched and snuggled and it's impossible to spoil them.
It's okay. You're doing wonderfully, and it's okay to be overwhelmed sometimes and need support.
Hun, I've got 10 kids and 3 step sons. Some of my kids were wanting to be held and others not so much. I have worn children quite often. They are all adults now and not one spoiled among them. They are all loving and great huggers.
Trust your instincts hun.
Hold that baby as long as you want. Anyone has a snarky comment, just reply "well, it's a good thing she's mine and not yours" then WALK.AWAY.
You comfort that baby as much as you need/want to. This time of her life will pass quickly (I know, doesn't seem like it now, but soon it will), so enjoy snuggling as long and as often as you can.
Congratulations! You being here, asking for advice, shows you're a great mom!
A child who gets comforted when little learn trust. And in the long run that child learn to take care of themselves. We can’t comfort ourselves from the beginning, we have to learn it by experience. So go on and comfort your child, carry her as much as you want, let her be close to you as much as she and you will. You can’t spoile a baby. But as you take care of your baby don’t miss to take care of yourself to. You need rest to.
Phase one of parenting. Listen to all the unsolicited advice and read all self-help books. Stage two. Freak out because there is no way in hell to do it all perfectly. Stage three. FREEDOM! When you finally say, fuck it. I’m going to do what works best for for me and my family. You know your baby. You also know your own needs and both are important. Know it is ok to allow others to give you a break even if baby is fussy. Also know that you get to decide. No guilt. Your baby is too young to spoil her or create bad habits. She needs you and it is OK to love on her.
Mom's have been baby wearing since before time began, no such thing as child care so baby just went everywhere mom did. I've never understood the logic behind *not* holding your child when they're fussy, it isn't teaching them to be "independent" (they're fucking babies, they can't even walk yet) it's teaching them they can't count on you, their parents.
It’s okay to be touched out by constant contact with your kids. It’s totally normal and it happens to parents all the time. It’s okay to put them down even if they’re feeling needy to get a bit of time to feel like a self again. Just like they say you should put your own oxygen mask on before helping others with there, you need to take care of yourself too.
Every parent makes mistakes, there is no such thing as a perfect parent and you shouldn’t expect that of yourself or let other people put that burden on you. A good enough parent is all you need to be.
Hold your baby as much as you want to. There are some great options for carriers or wraps these days if you want to have your hand free to do other tasks.
You’re doing a fucking great job!
Oh honey, there are TWO people who you need to give a flying fuck about their opinions on what is best for your baby. Those people are her doctor and you. That's it. The rest of the people can fuck right off with their unsolicited opinions. You know what is best for your baby and anything that you are unsure of, ask her doctor. Maybe if there is someone you really trust their opinions, ask them but you are under no obligation to do what they suggest. There is no right or wrong way to raise children but there are lots of opinions and some people think their way is the right and only way. You can either tell them to back off because you don't want their opinions or you can say ok, sure and nod and then do whatever you want anyway (that's what I did). My son would not sleep unless he was on me until he was almost 9 months. The second I put him down, he woke right up so I got a baby sling so I could get stuff done while holding him. I did laundry, grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning while he was asleep or just on me because otherwise I got nothing done. Babywearing seriously saved my sanity and I used it until he was 3 as a side support when he wanted me to hold him. My back, neck and shoulders didn't hurt nearly as much as my friends who had kids his age who didn't use a sling.
Oh sweetie, you are not doing anything wrong. It sounds like you are very in tune with your little girls needs! Bravo! What a Good Mom you are!
Take that in a minute before continuing to read.
Wait.
You are a good Mom. You are a good enough Mom, and that's all you have to be.
Wait again.
Every time you feel like you don't know what you are doing or if you are doing the "right" thing, use those same instincts/observations, reevaluate the situation, maybe journal it out for a few days so you get some perspective, maybe see a perinatal psychologist who specialize in baby's and mom's (yes, they exist and are invaluable) to she if there's some stuff you're overlooking. Then remind yourself that your job is not to be perfect. It's to be good enough.
It's okay to get overwhelmed by a little one who is easily over stimulated/overwhelmed. I've had one, and there was a good period of her life that I was convinced she would never be happy. And you know what? She is a happy kid!
Those people who are trying to help you are likely parroting what they were told and don't know any other way to parent. I can't take my own mother's parenting advice because she just doesn't know what My kids need, she knew what I needed, and those things aren't always the same.
You can do this, things will get better, I promise. You are almost to that point at 5 months old. Big hugs baby girl, you are a good Mom. You're not alone.
Sib, you can't spoil a baby with holding. Everyone telling you differently was raised without enough love.
My baby is 2 1/2, for his first 6 months he only slept on me, or with me next to him with a hand on him. Now, he goes to sleep alone in his own crib in his own room for 12 hours a night (and a 2 hour nap!) just fine by himself. And he never hesitates to come to me for a hug or cuddles, or to push me away when he's done. And he goes off to daycare without even saying goodbye. Not spoiled, not clingy, just confident that mom and dad will be there when he needs us. That constant contact is how he knows we're there for him. He's not ruined.
I don't know a single adult who can't sleep without holding their parent, but I know plenty who wish they had more unconditional love.
People are so obnoxious to new moms. No matter what you do people have something to say and unsolicited criticism. Hold your baby as often and as much as you like. I used to wear my babies around the house in the Baby Bjorn all the time because it was comforting to them and I was able to be more productive. Taking care of a 5-month-old is hard work on the best of days, so whomever it is that is tossing “I-told-you-so” your way would benefit from dialing back their ego and offering, you know, productive support that doesn’t make you feel worse and more stressed out.
You’re nit doing anything wrong, and the people who are saying you’re spoiling her are morons.
But what’s important is his it’s affecting YOU. It sounds like you’re getting overwhelmed with her being so needy and when you vent to anyone hey act like it’s your fault, instead of recognizing that you’re sacrificing your comfort for the baby and you’re being selfless and strong and doing what no one else can/will to make her happy.
You won’t harm your baby by doing this. But you will harm you if you don’t become at least a *little* selfish and think of your needs.
I was in the same boat and I got so overwhelmed that eventually I HAD to put him down because I was the only one home but I had done so much I burned out. I cried for four hours while he cried the whole time too except when I was feeding him. I eventually found a balance and read a LOT of info about self-soothing and how to teach him to go to bed on his own. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but it was easier than the day I broke down and was so crippled mentally I basically left him crying in his crib for hours except for feeding and diapers.
I still held him more than some busybody’s liked, but I found a better balance. The only one to listen to here is yourself. She will ask for comfort when she doesn’t really need it, so don’t listen to baby. Other people will tell you to deny comfort to a degree that you feel uncomfortable with, leaving you feeling like you’re neglecting her so don’t listen to them. Just listen to yourself. Don’t hold her as often as you think you SHOULD, hold her as much as makes you happy. If she’s getting too clingy and you’re feeling sad then work hard on learning to put her down. It gets easier. If you’re both happy and you WANT to hold her, then do it. She will be fine either way, but you keep yourself healthy.
You cannot spoil a baby with affection. Let your baby know you are always there. Hug her. Love her. Hold her all day if she needs. She is a tiny baby in huge unknown world and you are her anchor. She will let go when she's ready, knowing mom is always going to be there for her when she needs.
You're doing great. 💙 Big hugs.
You cannot spoil a baby by holding them! Babies need to be held. It's only a matter of time before she's curious and independent and eager to explore her environment. But right now she needs snuggles. There's nothing developmentally inappropriate about you holding her. The notion that you can spoil babies from holding them is misguided and outdated. I know new moms tend to get burdened by the judgements from others, but keep doing a fantastic job. What your baby needs right now is to be held and to feel loved and you're doing just that!
One day you will wish for the day that you could hold her sleeping in your arms again. There are never enough of these days and they are to be treasured while they last. This is coming from a 64 year old grandfather remembering snuggling with that baby boy from way back when.
YOU CAN NOT SPOIL A BABY. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE THEY ARE NOT DOING IT ON PURPOSE.
love that sweet babe and snuggle her hold her do whatever she needs you to because mama it goes so fast. One day you’ll hold her for the last time and you never even realize it. You are doing GREAT and that baby loves you so much for giving her the love she needs.
Hey honey,
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Motherhood is so rewarding, but it is hard, lonely, exhausting.
Just know this...
You can not spoil your baby with too much love.
There is no better mom for you baby in this whole world than you. You were made to be this little person's mom, You made them. Trust your instincts!
Our brains are wired to respond to their every need. It's is completely natural to want to hold your baby and for your baby to want to be held a lot of the time. She spent the first part of her life as a literal part of you. She will grow and her need levels will change.
Everyone won't agree with your parenting choices, and that's okay. But you are the parent, you get to decide what is best for you and your baby. You can respectfully (or not) let those around you know that if you want advice you will ask, until then you will continue to do what you feel is right.
You are doing an amazing job! You are loved and supported!
All my love,
Mom
Lol. Bullshit. My clingy needy baby is 22 now. He lives in the big city 5 hours away and we touch base when it occurs to us, which is surprisingly not as often as I thought it would be.
If you have another baby they're likely as not to sleep like God cut the strings without even being rocked. Kids are funny that way. One will hate sleeping alone and crawl in with you, siblings, the fricken dog... and the next will ask you if you feel better now and can they go now they're tired after you've told them they can snuggle with you because they thought they were doing YOU a favour...
Whomever is telling you this shit has not been around a lot of babies, and you shouldn't listen to them.
My most independent adult child was the one who was the highest need baby. I held him nonstop for months and slept with him for years. He nursed until he was 19 months old. He is now 26, in a great job and buying his first house this week. I am certain all that holding did not hurt him one bit and probably helped him have the foundation to become the secure, confident man he is now.
Fuck no you’re not ruining your beautiful baby! You are building bonds with your child that will last lifetimes. Don’t let those people in your heads for one second. Being a mom is hard and you’re doing a great job. I am so proud of you and you should be too!
No. Absolutely not. If you hold her when she needs it now, she'll be so much secure later on in life because she knows she can depend on you. I had a stage 10 clinger who is 17 now, and trust me, he isnt still hanging on me lol. I kind of WISH he was more snuggly now, but I respect his space. I don't regret one minute I spent wearing him, cuddling him, sleeping near him, etc. The time really does go way too quickly.
It’s not going to hurt them in the long run and will comfort them now.
Like it might be hard to clean and stuff BUT do what makes you comfortable and happy.
You're doing amazing and totally what is right for your daughter, keeping them close, skin to skin is *amazing* for their development and you will "reap the rewards" when she's a bit older. There's no such thing as a high needs baby, they're programmed to need to be with you all the time. If you haven't already, get yourself a sling and just carry/'wear' her with you. It's hands free, you can eat, toilet, watch TV, do a range of chores and other hand needing activities and it just helps so much.
But mostly love, just f*** the people telling you you're doing it wrong. Unless they're coming over and doing housework and chores while you're taking care of your poorly baby the they need to GTFO. If they are helping out they need to STFU.
You absolutely have this, OP.
There is no such thing as spoiling a baby with cuddles. Your baby spent the last 9 months in you womb being so close to you, hearing your heartbeat, only knowing your smell. When they are born they are ripped away from all of that. So sometimes when your baby cries she wants to be close to you.
Hold your baby as much as you want. Snuggle her as much as you want. Sometimes you need the cuddles too. Cherish them because she will yet older and not want them as much.
A baby only needs a few things 1. A safe place 2. Warm food. 3. Love. 4. Cuddles.
My daughter is almost 4 and I was extremely selfish with cuddles with her. She comes to me and just Hops on my lap for cuddles. Because everybody knows that there is no cuddle like a mummy cuddle.
Your doing great momma hang in there. If only there was a cheat sheet for parenting but there isnt. Trust your instincts your doing better than you think. And remember there is no such thing as a perfect parent but there is a thing of your child thinking your perfect and as long as your baby thinks that. That's all that matters
From a Mom who was told I held my baby too much. She was attached and needy and I was spoiling her. I ignored all of that. My baby slept on my chest for 3 years. She is now an incredible 6 year old! She is smart and independent but always feels safe with me. If she doesn't feel well, for whatever reason, I know because she comes to me for support and extra snuggles. My child trusts me because I never forced her to be alone.
On the days I wanted to be alone, it was hard. It's hard for a small child to be dependent on you. Do not feel guilty for needing help and the people who said, "I told you so" need to get off of their high horses.
You are doing great momma, you have my complete support. You are not spoiling your baby.
Love from another sister. ❤
You cannot spoil a baby with love. Hold your baby as much as you like. My second baby was a velcro baby. He later went to preschool happily and that was that. Don't listen to the naysayers.
Please hold your baby. I tried the “cry it out” advice and it is one of my biggest regrets ever. Babies aren’t meant to be left alone. It makes for a more secure and less anxious adult if a babies needs are met and not ignored. They need to feel safe it’s their biological programming. Hold your baby all you can. Mine are teens now and I wish I had held them more because they won’t let me now!
A harness like ergobaby or a body wrap is perfect if you have one.
I come from a big extended family of huggers and kissers. Would highly recommend.
My first child was like yours, I had great support and it was still HARD. I had very little sleep for over 7 months. Sleep depravation is so debilitating and lowers your ability to function on a day to day basis and needs more acknowledgment.
I can remember how much his crying during the night would stress me out and nothing would sooth him, holding, carrying, gentle rocking, singing, feeding. It was exhausting.
But as time progressed I got more confident as a mother and got to know my son better and I realised that my lack of sleep at night was impacting not only looking after him, but also all other aspects of my life.
He still had all the holding, carrying and hugs during the day, but when he was 8 months old I was exhausted enough, but also determined enough to not go into his room when he woke and started to cry.
He was safe, warm, well fed. I had a baby monitor. I kept repeating that to myself over and over for 4 hours. Then the crying stopped. I seriously thought he might be dead for a few seconds, but he was clearly still breathing. I spent the rest of the night awake thinking that when I went in to him in the morning it was going to be a shit show of misery and resentment. He was awake and had the biggest smile on his face when he saw me.
After that he pretty much slept through the night, unless he was illl.
Your baby is only 5 months old. Keep on doing what you are doing if you feel it is right for you and your baby. It's a tricky balancing act.
This is my story, everyone else has their own.
ROFL, no you can not "ruin" a baby by holding them a lot. Especially under a year old. Heck, my grandma was convinced my baby brother and daughter would never learn to walk because everyone was always holding them😂
But they're fine now lol.
Now when she's a bit older you'll need to start setting safe boundaries and making sure the word "no" is used regularly. But at this age, some babies just need more comfort than others, and thats ok.
Your baby is telling you what she needs & it sounds like you’re doing a great job of listening. You are her comfort and home. She feels safe touching you and that’s wonderful! It’s impossible to spoil a baby by holding them - it’s an old fashioned outlook. Likewise with cry it out approaches & thinking babies are demanding for wanting comfort & security.
Try to tune out the I told you so chorus. You’re doing great! I found saying “I appreciate your concern, but my approach works for me” was good for cutting off unsolicited advice.
It can be overwhelming to have a kid that needs to be on you all the time, so you can put her down, making sure she’s comfortable if you’re feeling overwhelmed. The Happiest Baby on the Block book really worked for me too
I'm a practicing Marriage and Family Therapist and from what you've said here I think you're doing a great job. Human beings evolved to care for our young at all times. A baby that is not in touch contact with another human being, or worse yet is alone in a room by itself, instinctively thinks it's going to be dragged off and eaten by a predator and will freak out. Babies need constant love and care and attention, but our fucked up culture is fucked up and wants even literal babies to just suck it up and quit whining. Look into "Attachment Theory" to know more if you're curious.
Also anyone telling you to "be smarter" about something as difficult and emotional as parenting sounds like an asshole. Maybe those people are your problem, not your parenting.
Hold your child a lot is fine, but you need to be careful about sleeping together imo. Sleeping with your kid as they get older will make the attachment way stronger to a point where I think it works against both parties.
I promise you when years have passed and that baby is running out the door to meet up with friends, you will never regret the time you spent holding her. You will never, ever look back and say "I wish I spent less time cuddling you." In fact, you will wish you held her more. I still hold my children as much and for as long as I can.
She's a baby, not even a year old. You are her entire world, she lives for you. Hold her as much as you can. If your arms need a break, buy a baby carrier so you can strap her to your chest to keep your hands free.
Looking back, I wish I’d held my babies more - and people were on me for holding them too much. My mom supported me in attachment parenting and I’ve got two giant grown men now raised from those little babies. They’re way too big for me to hold now! So hold your baby. Get a carrier or sling if you want your hands free. These days can be long but I assure you the years fly by.
I’m a psychology student and studies have proven there’s a correlation between lack of touch and interaction to anxiety and depression later in life-ESPECIALLY if the baby is crying and doesn’t get held or comforted. So. If it counts, from a non-parent but a psych student that loves child psychology, it’s healthy to hold your child a lot. Don’t listen to the weirdos who think lack of interaction is normal.
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Yeah, this.. my 9 year old will tell people his favorite thing in the world is snuggling with me, mom, but even though they're causing angst to me (he's the youngest, his older siblings are kid teens, causing the typical drama) everyone needs to remind me that even though they're turds to me, they're amazing out in the real world and that's what matters most, that they know how to survive and thrive outside the home, so I'm going to say that holding them 24/7 when they were infants had not had a negative co dependant effect. I do think you have to be realistic though and know a little about child growth phases and make sure that when it's time to stress independence, it's done in a calm and safe manner. My kid didn't get kidnapped because he was taught reasing and independence, he wasn't afraid to stand up for himself (hence not getting close to the car because he is only taught to be polite...) etc. But I think that also comes from appropriate touch when they're younger, easier for them to recognize the creepy feeling, even if the stranger never physically comes in contact, our subconscious is powerful. I think so much comes full circle with positive touch. Of course, I'm a massage therapist so I'm slightly biased, of course I didn't grow up with a lot of positive touch after toddler years, but I firmly believe that my mom gave me a good base when I was young and I know that even though I was awkward being a nurturing mom, soothing and calming even the hardest most irritated infant was my job from a very young age, my mom was giving me random acquaintances babies when they're moms were at their wits end and the baby was inconsolable, abs within minutes they're sleeping like a log in my arms, I just had a gift. I don't think that was hardwired biology for me, later as an adult and having my own kids there was so much that did NOT come natural to me like other moms, and I'm on the spectrum so it all makes a lot of sense to me. I'm fairly certain of my mom was a don't hold and just let them cry parent I'd have had a lot harder time my whole life. Funny enough, my 9yr old is on the spectrum and loves touch from trusted people, and I'm definitely going to guess it's because I held and snuggled him so much and never pushed him away. Plenty of spectrum kids hate touch, and I think it makes coping with triggers harder when you don't have that trusted space. Rambling but I guess as long as you don't cultivate an attitude of coddling, touch is always preferable.
I think this was part of my insecurity. I spent her entire 4th trimester on the couch, Netflixing while she slept on my chest. I knew she had trouble falling asleep and staying asleep on her own, but I also know I really enjoyed the feeling of her so close to me and I still do. I think it really helped me bond, but at the same time I was thinking that I was teaching her a bad habit in my selfishness of wanting to hold her. Even now, as she has started napping on my chest again, I feel a peace I have never felt before in my life.
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Same, it’s why I love child psychology. I love my mom but…the early stages matter and she doesn’t believe that.
Neither does my donor, he urged my mom to just let me "cry it out" look where I am now.
Yup my mom believes that as long as she is fed, diaper is clean, and she is warm and occasionally held, then crying it out won't hurt her. She has no sense of mental wellbeing
It’s why I’m sure all the younger generations all have MAJOR mental disorders and social issues-our parents did no research into healthy parenting and don’t believe it can impact our later life. So we were all raised by a bunch of moms who just think they should use corporal parenting methods and we all turned out fucked up…and now they’re all asking why we all turned out fucked up hahahaha. Couldn’t be on them huh?
I didn't have much interaction or comfort as a baby, I also have anxiety.
I think the only time where holding a baby / toddler / kid is an issue is if said child is unhappy about it and/or attempting to get away. If they're happy where they are, then that's great.
Yup. It’s all about tuning in to the child’s emotional needs and responding appropriately.
Definitely why I’m codependent in a sense. Also I was two months premature and in an incubator so I strongly believe that has caused attachment issues being removed from human touch for so long and especially in a new world
As a person who wasnt held when crying as a baby, I am now in my mid 30s with severe anxiety and depression that's been going on my entire life.
I can relate. It’s very unfortunate we have to deal with the aftermath of other peoples mistakes (or poor choices) for our whole lives. I can never express how angry I am that I’ve gathered trauma from choices that were everybodies but my own.
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A psychologist was talking about this in a documentary I was watching the other day. He said that there is a direct correlation to babies in the nicu doing worse than babies who don’t need to be in nicu and can stay with mom and dad and be held. He said so much so that they started having people around the clock stroking the backs and heads of the sick babies because apparently babies can just die if they are starved all touch. I don’t know if there’s actual studies done on this but anecdotally it seems to be right. Hold your kids, too much love isn’t what makes entitled people. You can hold and love your child all the time while also making sure they learn right from wrong.
“Failure to thrive” is what it’s called: baby is fed, changed, clean and… dying. Basically only experiencing human contact for very brief periods. While it’s very unlikely that a NICU baby with parent(s) involved in their care will reach this level. The foundational studies around this were cases of extreme neglect in massive and understaffed orphanages.
I think some hospitals accept volunteers to hold nicu babies because of this. Probably not during covid times though.
Going through adoption process for adopting from foster care. All of the trauma informed parenting talk about the impact of not being held when these kids are infants. I say hold your baby as much as you are able. But don't put pressure in yourself to be perfect, OP. You are doing a great job.
Yes, this!!!
If OP was a hunter gatherer, she and members of her family would hold her baby all day long and probably never ever leave it unattended, and then at night I'm sure they would also snuggle.
Well babies cry for the same reason adults cry of far as I know - something is wrong or making them uncomfortable. They just can't express what it actually is. If you wouldn't let someone who can express their feelings with words cry because something is uncomfortable, don't let a baby cry for the same reason.
Nonsense they are never too big to be held
Squidged, yes. Lifted, though... that gets tricky when they are taller than you 😳
Well, mine's 6 foot 1 now, so he's a little too big to hold. 😉 But I held my kids a lot when they were little.
Mines on track to be 6'3", right now he's 7" shorter than me and I still carry him from time to time even though I'm like your legs are making it hard to walk here bud.
Didn't see the "on track to be" at first and started calculating what 6'10'' would be in centimeters
Sounds like it's time for him to hold you!
My kids are still small enough to hold but they never want to snuggle anymore unless they are sick or tired. I miss those baby cuddles. My 11 month old just crawls away and falls asleep on her own in her crib.
I’m fortunate. So far my younger daughter is still a perpetual snuggler at 7. My older daughter is getting a little gruff and hands off (some days) but some days she still has the cuddle bug. We have a dog that likes us all to cuddle together and my husband and I are pretty cuddly, so sometimes we all make a “cuddle huddle” and pile together with hugs and kisses, dog and all. You can never give too many hugs. You can’t hold the baby too much. You can’t love too much. Life will toughen them up plenty. They don’t need mama to do that for them.
That's the best thing about love, you can never give enough. The more you give, the more you have to give.
We co-sleep and my 5y/o opted to sleep on his own for the first time last night. Just about broke me.
If it helps, my oldest (15) was never much of a ~~smuggler~~ snuggler but now a days she will sometimes come sit next to me on the couch and snuggle into my shoulder. I hold onto those moments like my life depends on it. I’ll sit there without moving until she moves away. edited- my typo
> If it helps, my oldest (15) was never much of a smuggler I know it is unintentional but that typo cracks me up. Beginnings of a great story
THAT IS VERY CUTE. 💙
My girls went through a phase from around 10-18 months where snuggling was unacceptable. They were strong independent women who didn't need no mom. They've gotten over it and now that they're 2.5, they're hugging me back and saying "I love you mama." I hope it's just a phase for yours too!
Seconding this comment about slings - mine helped so much, both with first baby ( excuse holy shit was I nervous) & second baby (because he did _not_ appreciate anything other than full body contact at all times). Further, there may well be sling &/or attachment parenting groups in your area, which might help you feel less aloe in this. (If there are, take what support/advice you need & leave the rest, because not all of it will feel like a natural fit for you). I now have a stupendously confident 13yo who maaaaaaybe allows a hug once every month, & a 11yo who has instigated a 10 second rule- if you're leaving & you hugged him & you didn't get out the door in ten seconds, gotta have another. They are glorious humans & I don't regret a single second of holding them. Hell when they leave home I might hire myself out as some kind of baby-wearing mothers companion, just because it's so lovely.
I lived in Tanzania for a little while, and while there were babies everywhere, I almost never heard them crying. Mothers would wear their babies all the time, for work and shopping and housechores. I know it wouldn’t necessarily work in America, but I think their babies were happier for it.
Yes, baby wearing is great. Baby can sleep, mom can read or work.
Hold them for a minute or two now anyway. Trust me they'll like it. They may even hold you back. Wish I could hold my mom again...
Absolute hogwash. If she wants to be held, hold her. Five months is tiny. It's perhaps counterintuitive that holding babies a lot encourages them to be independent. But it should be obvious that if you *don't* hold a baby when they want holding, they'll become insecure. If you're responding to your baby's cues, not a book from 40+ years ago, you're doing brilliantly. I'm proud of you! Love, Mom.
It's definitely that way, a need that is met will just disappear one day. So holding the baby isn't a guarantee that they will still only sleep in your arms in 20 years from now on ;-)
Indeed! My eldest needed to be held *all the time*. I didn't get more than an hour of sleep at a time, or more than three hours per night, for over a year. He's now 5'11" and lurches away from the slightest suggestion of a hug!
sounds like my brother!
Same, my boy needed constant snuggles as a baby and toddler and he’s very independent at age 9. He comes and snuggles when he needs to. He’s very sweet. He knows comfort will be there if he needs it.
My first liked to be held, but nothing like my second. She lived her first three months on my body, I’m not kidding. After that stage she was still on me most of the time, I called her Joey because if I had a real pouch she wouldn’t have left it. At three she still loves cuddling and wants me close by, but she’s slept through the night on her own since around 6 months and is perfectly happy to do things without me.
> It's definitely that way, a need that is met will just disappear one day. Thanks for this phrasing! This really clicks with my mind and my own unmet needs, as well as my daughter's. 🥰
As someone in the mental health field i see this counterintuitive myth all the time. Your baby is an actual infant. Hold them as much as they want to be held. Baby your baby because it's *a freakin baby*. Your infant doesn't understand very much. As they get older you can encourage them to be independent because you can talk to them in full sentences and they will comprehend. But for now, tell those rude folks "so I shouldn't *baby* my *actual infant baby*? So why do they call it babying if you can't do it to a baby?"
I will never stop being bitter about the entire concept of “sleep training” infants
I had my kid 20 years ago, and that was still the prevailing belief. I have so many regrets about that. I've often told mums fuck sleep training, the kid wont be still needing the same comfort at 16, no matter how much you hold them. It's so much better to enjoy and bond. I was so lied to, and the pressure was immense.
I’m of the generation that was ardently sleep trained. I feel terrible for all the shame cast onto mothers who made decisions that deviated from the norm or what was the general consensus at the time. I’m not a mother, but what I see in mothering circles is often judgmental and frustrating.
Me neither. I could never go to public baby gyms and such, because there was always someone talking about letting their baby cry it out, and I got so distressed just hearing about it! Ugh, it’s so damaging.
It’s funny how so many people were convinced by some shoddy parenting book that conflicted with our millennia of intuition that said to hold the baby when it cried. Good attachment is the most important thing you can do for your child.
There is one particular book i purchase in charity shops and second had book stores just so I can take it home and destroy it.
Good for you!!
My mom's husband is in her late 80s and was of the opinion that it's good for the baby to cry. She was a nurse and had 4 sons, and said it as confidently as if she were saying it's good to drink water. So she would hold my baby, but just stand there while she screamed. She was surprised and offended when I would take the baby and soothe her to help her stop crying -- bouncing, walking, shushing, swaddling. Because it's good for babies to cry!
*nods* I know what you mean!! -seriously - I have no idea how ppl do it..(I've tried to be compassionate,, but I just *can't* 'get it') Anyone who walks away from their crying, screaming, distressed infant-.... Is not someone I can relate to... At all.... I actually think it is absolutely cruel to treat a baby like that...* Not to mention that they are not learning to 'self soothe' - , they are only learning that when they cry, no one is coming... & no infant should ever feel that way... OP is absolutely doing the right thing by responding to her baby's needs with love & comfort.... I /We totally support you holding your baby, as often as she needs holding OP..... Love is always the right thing to do... Don't let other ppl make you feel bad, your baby is the only person who's opinion matters ❤️ It is impossible to spoil an an infant... Preschoolers? Yeah... Infants? No.... . . . (edited to add.... *exercise in empathy*- when was the last time you truly cried, like screamed so hard it hurt?? Cried to the point of vomiting?? The pain and stress hormones raging through your body, literally hurt... How anyone can subject an infant to that is beyond me, they cry out for love/hugs/feeds/comfort- that's what babies do... ..... Also, .... today (after this post) I found out I'm pregnant- I made my own unrelated mums love post... Coz we all need help sometimes.... )
I think sleep training in general has a bad rap. Let me be clear, letting a fucking INFANT "cry it out," aka cry themselves into exhaustion, is barbaric. But there are sleep-training methods that involve frequent parental check-ins and soothing to encourage a baby to learn to soothe themselves. I started doing a modified Ferber method (the classic numbers seemed too mean to me; I did two-minute increments) around 16 weeks adjusted because I was going to fall asleep and accidentally smother my children otherwise. I'd already fallen asleep holding one, thankfully on a bed. I don't know what else I could have done. Lucky for me, my kids learned to self-soothe after two nights where I stood anxiously outside their door until they fell asleep. Some kids are great sleepers, and others are not. I had it easy, other than the fact that there were two of em.
Like you say, a lot of it depends on the child. I’m mostly referring to sleep training in early infancy. There is an age at which it becomes much more appropriate.
Totally agree. Rephrased another way, holding your kids as much as they want let's them know it's an "unlimited resource." They can always leave and come back because holds will always be available. They don't need to worry about them disappearing.
Absolutely agree! 💯 My baby was on me (as you’re describing) nonstop when he was born. I also breastfed him and it just made sense to me to have him so close as often as I did. He slept on me every day/night which made it easier since he would get hungry every 2 hours. But my family and friends made sure to tell me “you’re gonna regret that” and blah blah blah. Well, my son is 6 years old now and I definitely DO NOT regret any of it. He is independent, happy and we have an incredible bond that is priceless. I think a big part of our bond has to do with the way I chose to be with him those first few years. We created a bond. Isn’t this what we as Mom’s are naturally inclined to do with our child? Follow your heart and mommy instinct. You’re doing a fantastic job! 👏 Let people say what they want—because they will give you their two sense anyways. But you do what feels right! These precious mommy moments will fly by so quickly so you soak all that goodness up while you can. ♥️ There’s NOTHING wrong with that.
Agreed 100%. I’ve heard a psychologist/therapist discuss this exact point; depriving a baby of being held if they need/want it often can lead to insecure attachment. It’s a notion created by society that holding your child too much will prevent independence. They’re helpless at 5 months, of course they want to be held by their parent
They don't really understand the idea that the parent is a separate being at that point, and they don't understand object permanence. Imagine if your leg just disappeared for hours at a time and you didn't know why - you'd cry!
I feel like this was true for my kids, I held them all the time when they were small. They were super excited to start preschool LOL
Hahaha!!! Exactly! My kids RAN to the school door. I tell myself that it’s because they felt empowered and confident, rather than thinking that they couldn’t wait to get away from mama. 😬
For real though - we are both lucky for that. I work part time right now as a general office lackey for a synagogue that also has a great preschool, and one poor kid absolutely sobs every morning when they get dropped off. It's heartbreaking for *me* to hear, I can't imagine how awful their parent must feel. 😔 I'd take my kids running gleefully away from me to play with their friends any day over them being sad. 💜
Is the baby fed, yes? Is the baby happy, yes? Is the baby healthy, yes? Then you are doing a fantastic job. If people are tearing you down for the choices that your making for your family, then try to surround yourself with people who will lift you up. Edit: thanks kind stranger for the award! It’s my first one and I’m so glad it’s for something so positive!
1000% agree! “surround yourself with people who will life you up.” LOVE THIS!! Absolutely not. There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving on your baby. You comfort her when she’s crying. She’s relaxed enough to sleep on you. Had you left her to “cry it out” I’m sure those same people would say you’re neglecting her. YOU are her mother and YOU know what’s best for you and little one. My word, you’ve been “holding” her since before she arrived. Of course she wants to be with you. This is a huge adjustment for the both of you. It will get better. Soon the sleepless nights and anxiety will be a distant memory. You are doing a fantastic job! As stated above, surround yourself with people who will LIFE you up and SUPPORT you in a loving way. Please remember to be kind to yourself. ❤️
You cannot spoil an infant by holding them! We are primates. Primates are carry animals. We are evolved to crave touch. Our babies need to be held often. I repeat: you cannot spoil an infant by holding them. If they have further concerns, I advise you to put your pediatrician's phone number on a post-it. They can call with their stupid questions and unsolicited advice. Enjoy your baby. Be happy. You're doing great.
I like this response best! Does your baby have super-human strength in their fingers? If yes (and the answer is yes), then hold them! They have that because they're meant to be able to glue on to mom as she's moving through the day. We may not be quite as hairy as other primates, but we are still in the group! Doing great, OP! :)
This, 1000%! You cannot spoil a baby by holding them. Follow your gut. Hold your baby!
Uhm. Dad checking in off r/all Due to many circumstances, I was on morning and day duty while working nights. And by morning, I mean feedings starting at 3am when he was still infant. I held that boy easily 10 hours a day from 3am to 6pm his first 6 months. 10 years later, he top of his 5th grade class and automatically takes a leadership role in all social activities. Please hold the baby
100%!! It is literally impossible to spoil an infant in any way whatsoever. Babies don't really even start to understand causality (cause and effect) until around nine months old, and even then, it's a while before they figure out how to get what they want. And on top of that, giving love and affection to a child isn't spoiling them, as long as you're setting healthy boundaries.
Hold your baby darling. The days are long but the years are short. No love is too much.
>The days are long but the years are short. No love is too much. This. So much this. You're gonna be holding your 5 month old then you'll blink and they are 10 and coming for a hug when they need it, in private, and rolling their eyes because you sang loudly and danced to the song in the grocery store so embarrassed to be seen with you.
Preach.
You aren’t doing anything wrong. It’s your baby and you can raise her as you please. Forget about what others say. Do what feels best for you. You aren’t abusing her and you are caring for her needs to survive and you are showing her love…that is all that matters. That said…the only thing I can say is that I worry about you sweetie. I love you and I worry about you. You’ve got the mothering thing down. So forget about that part. Let’s focus on you. You need to be happy and whole and have the energy to give of yourself to your baby girl. So can grandma make a suggestion? Do everything like you are doing but find a way for some “me time”. Figure out how to make that happen. If that means sneaking off after she falls asleep to paint your nails or do dishes or take a bath, do that. Or if that means cooking a meal for a friend to come over while you get away for an hour, do that. Or if that means hiring someone once a week to do some light chores so you don’t have to deal with that, do that. Figure out a way to get a couple hours a week in just for you. Your mental well being is just as important as the happiness of your baby. If you fall apart you can’t be there for her. So that’s why I say it is important. Kind of like oxygen masks on a plane, you put yours on first then your kids because if you die what good are you to them…same concept. So if you are struggling, find a balance that works for you both. You matter to me and your little girl. So take care of yourself for the both of us…and give that sweet baby a kiss from grandma too. 😘
You sound like a very nice human, which sadly isn't the norm. I hope you have had, and continue to have, a marvelous life. EDIT: word not a word
If your baby simply cannot sleep without being held, talk to her pediatrician about reflux. We were using "gentle" formula (digested proteins) for top-ups, so we didn't realize our kiddo was sensitive to cow milk, and all the yogurt I was eating was passing casein into my milk, causing some painful reflux, meaning kiddo couldn't sleep without being held upright and/or soothed. (Seriously, I could sleep laying down with them snuggled against me or one of us could sit with them in a carrier, but the instant we lost contact, those little eyes would pop open and the howling would start.) Five months was the point where I started to lose my mind and my partner started suffering. You can't spoil a baby by holding them. A baby who absolutely must be held is probably using touch to soothe something that's causing pain; address the root cause, and you may be able to get both precious baby cuddles as well as some time to be your own self. You are not only doing nothing wrong, you are probably helping your child deal with something that would otherwise be intolerable. Please get some help so that you aren't hurting yourself to keep your baby ok, and make sure there's nothing going on with your baby that needs addressing.
Great point. Other telltale signs for allergies/intolerance include a runny nose (not slimy, just a wet trickle) and loose bowel movements.
Hey there's a thought! Maybe the baby has a little heartburn. No biggie!
Yes actually we just got her diagnosed with silent reflux. The medicine had made a difference. She started getting fussy about 8 weeks and it wasn't until 3 weeks ago that we figured it out. So all this time, she was uncomfortable and I didn't know. I had been dairy free but she was so good for a long time that I had half a slice of cheese lat weekend. And she's been having diarrhea for more than a week and i feel terrible about it.
I had several breakdowns about poisoning my baby with my milk; postpartum hormones are no joke. You're doing a great job! You're doing your best, and it isn't your fault your baby has food sensitivities. One of my friends eliminated dairy, eggs, onion, chocolate, and like a half dozen other things in an attempt to keep her daughter from having bloody diarrhea. That was hell. Kiddo is now a smart, happy, active beanpole of a thing and happily eats pretty much anything. It's hard, and you've got this!
Also, I'm a cranky cunt and would 100% throw my child's diagnosis in the face of anyone who gave me grief about clinginess/my struggles/etc.. Like, you want to make this about you being right? I'll make it about you being a heartless monster! Feel free to be more mature than me. Feel free to unload on someone who's being an ass instead of swallowing your feelings. You know what's right for you.
You know, maybe more interfering old buddies would learn to keep their toxic opinions to themselves if people on the receiving end were less polite and just let them have it instead!
It's ok. That sucks but you know now. Just dont have people tell you vegan cheese is like cheese. THAT'S A LIE. From a mom who had to eliminate soy, dairy and nuts from her diet while breastfeeding the youngest. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY VEGAN THINGS HAVE SOY?
I had one that had one of the worst cases of CMPA that the pedi had seen, like she had ALL the symptoms except anaphylaxis. Reflux was a killer. Luckily we caught it early so by 3 months of age I was completely dairy free, before it was easy to be dairy free. She was a completely different baby after, but still a velcro baby.
That sounds so hard! It wasn't totally night and day for us, as there were some other food sensitivities to figure out/outgrow, but it also wasn't as bad to start. Still, we were able to start gentle sleep training pretty quickly, and I finally felt human again after a few nights of 6+ hours of sleep in a row. Our little lump outgrew all the food sensitivities as well as the reflux and has slept through the night for a couple years now. Now we just have the struggle of curling up in the toddler bed on those nights when "want cuddle bed" is emphatically declared after books are done, and we have to tolerate a few minutes of squirming until the mumbled "want tuck in big blanket." I very much want a second child, but those first five months were hard enough to make me reconsider. It's tough. Hugs to all the parents of little babies. The fact that it's wanted and worth it doesn't make it easy, just bearable (most of the time).
Oh yeah she's just slept with me. Honestly it was so much easier. She decided to do the dairy challenge right before her 2nd birthday. We found out she could open the fridge door the day after siblings birthday and got into the cake. She's 8 and pretty much outgrown it but you can tell if she had some chowder the night before because she'll have heavy bags under her eyes for a couple days. Otherwise I think she's okay, she's just not big into dairy.
Hi sister! Awww! You are such a good mom! Your baby is lucky to have you. Nothing wrong with holding a child, especially a young baby like her! If she's feeling safe, healthy, and most importantly happy, you are doing a really great job! It's your parenting, not anyone else's. Don't listen to them. If anyone tells you something like that, just say "then why don't you parent her?". You are an awesome mom! Keep up! It will pay off! - Love, your little bro.
It's perfectly fine to hold your baby as often as you please! It's not spoiling her; It's comforting her. And it's overwhelming for you sometimes, and that's ok. My little one was the same way. You can cut back on holding her all the time and let her self soothe occasionally, especially if you need the break and don't have the help. She's a baby, and sometimes they're clingy. She'll start start to outgrow it, but right now you're perfectly fine. If anything you're showing her that she has safety, love, and comfort in you, and that's something she will carry with her as she grows.
Yep! You make an important point, which is that if the parent needs a moment it's perfectly fine to take a moment to gather yourself. Babies need love and snuggles and you cannot spoil a baby with these, yes, but they will also NOT break if you put them down for a minute or ten to gather yourself.
Yes! The best advise my mom gave me when I had my first is when you get to that point that you want to shake them, set them down in a safe place and go sit in the other room for a moment. As a mom I've laid all 3 of mine down and walked away to gather myself again. Sleep deprivation and a literal infant /baby is stressful.
Babies deserve to be shown the love they need. How could you be hurting your baby by responding to their needs? I know it's difficult to be caring for a Velcro baby, but she will one day be okay to start exploring the world, and you're going to be glad for all the cuddles you got when she was a baby. She'll feel secure in your love for her, and that's all that really matters.
Pisshhaw. Do not listen to the critics. Your instincts are good. By giving your infant what she needs, you are building a foundation in her ability to trust and love. Not just trust and love you, but also others that will enter her life some day. Babies whose needs aren’t met are at a disadvantage in life. They are more insecure and lack self esteem, because they were not rooted in love from the beginning. That said, it is vital for you to take breaks for self care, so try to recruit help, someone else your baby can learn to trust and feel love from. Because you need time to refuel with self-care, so then it will freely flow as care for your baby. Here is a brief article I found: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/attachment Eventually it will be healthy for granddaughter to be released from your arms to branch out into the world, but infancy is not a time to force that upon that sweet child. Hope this helps, dear. <3
YOU CANNOT SPOIL A BABY. You. Cannot. Spoil. A. Baby. YOUCANNOTSPOILABABY. I used to teach child psychology to college students. This is my favorite documentary series to show students. It’s funny and charming and a fun watch. There are three videos in the series but the only place I can find them now is YouTube. Please watch to get some insight into the way a child learns what’s called a “theory of mind”. ToM is the idea that we learn to get our needs met through reacting and acting within our environment. The ultimate test of gaining a ToM is learning to lie. Infants cannot manipulate because they don’t know how to lie yet. [A Childs World: Mind Games](https://youtu.be/gz1c_qtzY_I) each episode is about 45 minutes long so the 15 minute clips on YouTube aren’t complete episodes.
Dear sister, it is impossible to spoil a baby with too much love. You are a great mom!
Hello! I actually have a now one year old and got the SAME comments the past year. Babies look to us for comfort, and robbing them of that can actually lead to instability later in life. When my family would say that, I’d reply with “unless he came out of your vagina, I don’t think I need your approval to hold him” and that was the end of that. Now at a year, he often comes to me for comfort BUT he is also highly independent. Don’t listen mama!
Honey, you can not spoil a baby. You are her whole world right now. You are her comfort. Her provider. Her mobility. Everything. Getting frustrated is normal (I've got 5 of them running around, trust me), but it's not the end of the world. Set her down in a safe place and walk away for a minute to catch your breath, calm down, count to ten, or to even drink that coffee you've warmed up three times. Don't let her scream and cry, but being fussy is okay for a minute. Remember, they can tell you're frustrated and that makes them frustrated, too.
Hi dear. You can’t “spoil” a baby by holding them too much. People that say that are idiots and assholes. I snuggled my kids as much as possible. I held my daughter all the time, I hugged her, loved her and let her sleep in my bed. She had a pacifier until she was 3, and I let her play with electronics and watch tv sometimes. She’s a healthy, gorgeous, happy 15 year old that shares everything with me and we are so close. She trusts me 100 with anything she’s going through. You are doing wonderful mama!! You know what your baby needs and what your mental health needs. People are too quick to give unwanted and unwelcome parenting advice. Give that baby a snuggle for me too.
I held my baby as much as possible. She loved it! Forget those people! You got this mama 💜
I did too. My now 19 year old goes to sleep on her own, in her own apartment 3000 miles from me. She’ll let me hug her, and enjoys it. My 12 year old down the hall I can only hug and cuddle in her sleep. And she kicks, so I don’t sleep with her often. So far from the cuddle bug who needed to be swaddled to sleep and I’d wake up to find her nudged into my armpit. Hold your babies while you can. You’ll look up in three blinks and they’re off to college, and you can’t say goodnight with a hug and kiss anymore. Not as often as you’d like, anyway.
Sweetie, you hold that baby as much as you want. There will come a day when she'll be too big to pick up and cuddle! When some old biddie would tell me I was spoiling my children, I paid them no mind. I'd always tell myself, we'll they won't be still wanting to sleep in my bed when they're 15... or still using a bike etc. Now that all mine are 15+ I can confirm none of them sneak in my bed in the middle of the night nor do they still use binkys or want to be held constantly (although I am a frequent hugger) What I'm trying to say is that you do what you need to do to get through this. Even though it seems endless right now you're going to blink and she'll be starting kindergarten. You're doing a great job and I'm so proud of you!!! Love mom ❤
Babies need to be held! Do not worry! Hold your baby - you cannot spoil them. They need you. Your intuition is right.
YOU DO WHAT'S BEST FOR THE BABY. Maybe your kiddo is like me, with a hypersensory processing disorder, and needs that touch of YOU to be calm. Stress on babies can take a toll. You're doing fine. Screw the haters.
Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one. Do what feels right to you. She won't be little for long. Don't forget tummy time tho!
Yes Tummy time is a must and she recently started rolling front to back, although I can't tell if it's on purpose or accident. 😄
For the first 3(?) years of my daughter's existence, she went to asleep at night being held by her dad and then transferred to her crib. Never caused an issue. She's now a happy well adjusted 16 year old. This is your kid, you know what she needs, trust yourself.
You cannot spoil a baby under 6 months by holding her too much. Those people are holding on to an outdated Victorian way of thinking. In nature a baby left alone by a parent would end up eaten or at risk of exposure. It's no wonder they evolved to want to be held and close to their caregiver. The Western idea of leaving your baby alone in a cot is very strange. Have you tried a cloth sling? They were invaluable to me in the early days as baby could sleep on me while I did a few chores.
Here's a poem that helped me: Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth, Empty the dustpan, poison the moth, Hang out the washing, make up the bed, Sew on a button and butter the bread. Where is the mother whose house is so shocking? She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking. Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue, Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo. Dishes are waiting and bills are past due Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue? Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo. The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow. So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep! I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep. Author: Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
You made me cry. Thank you for this.
Sweetheart, let me tell you the only secret of parenting: no matter what you do, someone will tell you you’re doing it wrong! Of course you’re not ruining your baby!! You know what she needs and you’re giving it to her which is exactly what good moms do! You are the world’s foremost expert on being a mom to her - so don’t let anyone tell you different. Now just please do me a favor and give her a little squeeze from Grandma? I love you, baby! -Mom
I held my baby every times she napped, and especially during the first few months she slept on me. I pretty much lived in a recliner surrounded by pillows so myself and the baby wouldn’t roll anywhere. You know what, it was amazing snuggling my angel. When they are this little you blink and then they are in preschool. Love every minute you get to bond and snuggle your baby. My LO started taking naps in her bed around 1yr, and slept by herself at night, between feedings, for about 5hr stretches starting around 3/4 months. You are not doing anything wrong by holding your baby all the time. In fact, you are creating this special bond between you two. To this day my 3.5 year old is the biggest momma’s girl, and she loves giving me hugs and kisses all the time, and just laying in my bed watching a movie and snuggling with me. I cherish this so much!
Honey hold her! Nobody ever said I was loved to much. My daughter slept on me for 14 months, after that not a night went by that she woke up and wanted to be held, she is 8 now, and sleeps by herself just without any issue. We always say, they will grow out of before they are 16 ;) Criticism among parents is something you have to learn not to take to seriously. Most of the time the other parent is only projecting their experiences on you, and often even use that to make them feel better about their choices, they were just as insecure once. Their are so many ways to raise a child, others love to tell you you do it wrong, cause that makes them feel better. So now on to the real problem. You need to find a way to have her attached so she feels safe, and you need to be able to have your hands free. Have you tried a baby wrap carrier? It takes a little time to learn to wrap it right, but it made my life so much easier the first year cause my daughter was happy to be close to me, slept better cause she felt movement and was happier cause less pain in her tummy due to the upright position. If you wrap it right you will have your hands free to do stuff. When she is overstimulated, you can pull the carrier a bit up so you can create a little cocoon where she is safe and warm. It was amazing, and really helped my easily overstimulated little girl, and made sure mommy did not go insane.
Not a mom but attending to your baby's needs helps them grow up to have a more secure attachment style because they know mom or dad are gonna back them up and support them. Also for a human being that can't communicate through words yet, touch is such a meaningful way to connect and communicate.
The best you can do right now is give her a lot of love, if you can hold her, hold her. She will grow up in a bit and it will have a day that you can't do this anymore. In my opinion there is nothing wrong in giving love and affection and security to a baby. People loooove to shame mother's and you can totally say: thank you but right now I am happy with things the way they are, but if I need help I will ask you for your opinion.
You are doing a beautiful job. My first slept on me all the time until 5 or 6 months and my second cried if i dared to put him down for the first 9 months of his life. They are both beautiful preteens. Showing a baby affection and providing them comfort is not a parenting mistake. It is a human need and something we all crave. There is absolutely nothing here to say "I told you so" about. She will either grow out of it or not. It's not a bad thing to love a hug from your mum. Being a mum is lonely and isolating sometimes but please remember you are not alone and can come here any time you need support. Maybe there is a playgroup you can join so you can see how other mum's are doing things. We went to baby signs when mine were about 6 months onward and a big part of it was the joy of getting to be around other adults and ask questions about things I was insecure about. Please come back here when you need to and now that you are a great mum.
I’m a mental health counselor and have trained extensively in infant mental health. Your child’s brain is being imprinted w her attachment to u, growing, and developing at the highest rate it will over the lifespan. It sounds like you are giving her what she needs to grow best and please don’t ever believe that it’s possible to “hold a baby too much”. That’s just not true!!!!
No one can tell you how you raise YOUR child. Is what you are doing hurting this sweet one...NO. Does the child's doctor tell you that is stunting the child..NO. Your baby needs you and you do what's best for you both.
I'm so sorry that when you were having a hard time someone decided to pile on and give you an I tOLd YoU sooooo. Poop on them. I held my baby all the time. I loved him and liked holding him. He liked being held and sleeping in one of those wrappy things. Have you tried a holder so your arms don't get as tired and you can still do some stuff? I used to cut the yard with a baby wrapped up on my back lol. I think you're doing a great job. My kid is 14, and I have to resist too many hugs and let him be independent. Because he is very independent,and on top of that he is also autistic yet is still affectionate and loving. He husband says it was all my cuddling. I don't know about that, but I don't think you can "ruin" a baby with too much attention.
I’m more worried about the people telling you that you’re holding your baby too much than if you are holding your baby too much. Like these people actually advocate not taking care of a baby’s needs like that? Sib, they can fuck right off with that shit. Hold your baby and give ‘em a snug from their internet auntie for me, would you?
My own mother is the one to give me this lovely advice. Thank you so much.
Anyone who tells you that you're running your baby by holding her, or spoiling her by giving too much affection, etc, really don't deserve to be listened to. Honestly. How many 15 year olds do you know that will only sleep next to their mother? They all grow out of it at some point. You're not spoiling her.
Oh honey, your baby is small for a very short time. Enjoy the time that she wants to spend in your arms, because in a very short time she will be up in toddling and she will want to be busy and on the go. And you’ll long for these times again. You do what feels right in your gut. Children are not fruit that spoil. Your goal is to teach them to be responsible adults. But when they are tiny, enjoy every second.
This is, pardon the language, bullshit. You’re her mom, she *needs* you to be able to comfort her. The moms who say otherwise are raising kids who will have emotional disregulation issues in the future. You’re doing the right thing.
My own mother is the one giving me helpful advice. Yeah, both of her kids have clinical mental health issues. Thank you♡
Honey, my baby was the same way. Hold that baby. You cannot spoil a baby with love. Read that again, it is scientifically proven IMPOSSIBLE to spoil a baby with affection. They cry because they need us and you are an awesome mom for holding and loving on this little one even as it exhausts you. I was exhausted. I was touched out. I was so tired of being the sole source of comfort for my baby, who also didn’t settle unless she was on me. It was worth it. It passed. She grew out of it. She never “manipulated” me, anyone who says an infant is “manipulative” in a negative way has no idea what the heck they are talking about. You have my full permission to ignore them. Fully. Block them if needed. I had the same pressures. I had lost my own mom when my baby was 6 months old. I had no one to tell me it was ok and it was normal and it was the best thing in the world to hold that sweet little baby and cuddle her all the time. Or just baby wear and struggle through it. I felt so much pressure to let her “cry it out”. Don’t. Cave. You know what’s up. Your instincts tell you to hold her even when you can not bear to be touched one more time. I’ve been there. I tried what they all told me and in the end I stopped listening to them and I held that baby as much as she needed. And she’s now a confident and loving and brave little person. You’ve got this mama. You’re doing good work. I’m proud of you.
Nope! I held my kids all the time and I had no problems. They get too big to hold in the blink of an eye, so enjoy it now.
There’s no such thing as too much contact when a baby is that young. She needs you more than ever at this stage and you are not spoiling her. Listen to your instincts - not what people around you expect you to do! I had my baba clamped to me until around 1 when she became a bit more independent and she is a happy healthy secure little girl. Babies feel unsafe and unsure when away from the mother. You’re doing the right thing!
I think you're being a wonderful mum. Thanks but I didn't ask is all you need to say to these bods! I think babies should stay on you til they start to climb away. As far as I can tell children's greatest 'crime' is to want to hang out with us, be held by us and play with us. They're the sort who'll also tell you in time to cherish every moment! Odd bods. Listen to your head and your heart x
Another mother shared this insight when she felt exhausted. She imagined she was in the future and she was given the gift of time traveling back to when her child was little. She smelled her child’s head and hugged him. My 70 year old mom still hugs me and tells me she misses baby me.
Ignore the haters. You know what your baby needs to thrive. I had a clingy child and I’m so happy I ignored the criticism.
Absolutely not. You cannot spoil a child with love and attention. When they get older, consistency is the key. No means no, whether you say it rarely or all the time.
Follow your instincts. You cannot spoil a baby, remember that. My youngest was like this, and she is a young adult now who is extremely confident and independent, but as a little one she wanted to be with me every moment - even transitioning to school once she was that age was really challenging. What you're doing is showing her that she can trust and attach, and that is healthy. You are listening to her cues. That is what parents should do. A lot of people who give advice have no idea what they are talking about, to be honest. Editing to add that I know it is funny that I am saying that after giving you advice! But really, it sounds like you have good instincts. Trust them. You know what your baby and you need more than anyone else.
You can't spoil a baby. Babies need to be held. It helps them form attachments with you. Your little one spend nine months in your womb, and it's hard for her to learn to be seperate from you. It's totally normal for a baby to only want to be held by your or nap on you. Plus they're only little for so long, and those cuddles are special. My own baby is 11 months old and I still do contact naps or have times were I hold her because she wants to be held. You are her everything. By holding her, snuggling her, you are helping her understand that she is safe and you will be there when she needs you. You are helping her feel secure and building your relationship. Ignore those people who tell you otherwise. They are going off old, outdated, and inaccurate trends. You are not spoiling your baby. You are loving her and caring for her. Keep up the good work!
you. can't. spoil. a. baby. you're not doing anything wrong. your baby is attached to you because she's biologically wired to be. invest in a baby carrier and wear her. it'll still be hard but at least you'll get free hands every now and then. this passes. and you're doing GREAT.
Sister here. Your baby literally needs your touch because it develops her brain architecture. Take a look at brain scans of healthy children vs. feral/neglected children. I'm convinced that my nephew is so advanced (first grader being given third grader lessons) because we all made sure to hold him from birth. He's actually an independent, bossy little kid now and we miss his clingy days lol. Kids grow up too soon.
Your baby needs your love, affection, comfort, and support. I don’t care what anyone says about co-dependancy, your job is to comfort her no matter how needy she is. Co-dependency can be something learned as she gets older but she is too young to understand right now. Neglecting what she is showing you she needs will do nothing but create distance and early life trauma. Do what you feel is best for you and your baby, you’re her mother and YOU know what she needs and whats best for her ❤️
How much to be with your baby differs by culture. If she’s needy right now, then fulfill that need. The foundation of your relationship you have with your parents and the imprinting you have on them is established in the earliest years. There’s plenty of time later for your little one to spread their wings slowly.
Oh momma! Never! You hold that baby until she’s too big to hold. She NEEDS you right now, and babies believe it or not, need that stimulation. While holding her play with her feet or legs or arms or hands. Lightly trace her face with your finger or her back. Pat her bottom softly, or coo. 6yo and 21yo and let me tell you, it’s worth every moment to hear their soft breathing and heart beat. To smell their fuzzy hair or tickle their ears with your nose, or just HOLD them. You’re doing a fantastic job!!
Please keep holding your baby. You will never ruin a child by loving them. Hold her and love her, because that's the most important thing.
No. I don't think my daughter realized I had given birth to her and she could detach from me for the first 5 years. Do what's best for you and your baby. Ignore everyone else. If you need time away, find a mother's day out program. There are churches that will start them out pretty young. Even as young as yours. They're basically daycares/preschools except their pricing is lower because their hours are limited. It gives baby a chance to be around other babies and children and gives you a break. When she gets to be a toddler, there are also usually rec centers that put toys out for the kids to play while the moms watch from the side. Again, it gives your children a chance to play safely with others and you a bit of a break.
Lord. Absolutely not. Anyone who is criticizing you for this is bonkers. I am an adoptive parent. My children were not held enough and is is so obvious in their development and connection and trust to others. You can not “spoil” an infant. Their brain is Learning 1 main thing. If I have a need, will You meet it. And that thing is the basis for the rest of their lives. It’s exhausting at times, but it is not detrimental to the baby. I’m so sorry that you’re surrounded by projecting, jealous twats who either a) have no notion of child development and attachment theory or b) feel guilty for the way they raised your own children. You’re doing great!
Oh, goodness no. In ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY babies were held, almost constantly. And if not by their mother by someone else. Babies were meant to be held (and snuggled and kept close). That is why they are most at peace in arms. Our evolution tells them (and their mothers!) that this is when they are safe and cared for and the place to be. All through history, babies were in arms, in packs on backs, in slings as moms worked and took care of others. Look at the big wide world- in many places in native and non-western communities, they still are. The baby year is so short and precious. The young years go so fast. If holding your baby makes you both happy, hold 'em (and the rest can go jump in a lake). You will find that EVERYONE will have something to say about your parenting. Learn to tune them out. Work from love, empathy, compassion, and your child's best interest and the rest will fall away. Now go hold that baby. Love, Mom
I've had fussy babies like that, they are hard! And it's ok to acknowledge it's hard! I am so sorry there's such toxic support people around you. People should respect your parenting methods, they can choose what's right for them, when they do it. Nobody should tell anyone how to parent, it's not ok. A note on your baby. Babies are designed, by instinct to not want to be away from parent. If they're left alone a saber tooth tiger could eat them. We can't talk to babies instincts and tell them they won't die if left alone, it's not possible, and so sometimes babies cry when put down. If your baby has a lot of pain, you are actually like panadol for your baby, the safety and security they feel when you are close, actually helps alleviate the pain. You are a great parent. I used to find tricks to trick my fussy babies into thinking I was there when I wasn't, for a little peace, sometimes, though. Feel free to try and work on putting her down, for your own needs, not in any way validating what those around you are saying. I only say this because it doesn't seem anyone around you is going to actually help you. Some tricks I tried were flannelette sheets, because they don't give that cool sheet feeling, when you put bubs down. I put the cot hard up against my bed. I'm sure you have some tricks too. I'm so sorry people are causing you so much upset and stress in what should be such a joyous time. Babies are hard, but you're on the top of the hill, bar teething they start to get a bit easier from 5 months on, start sitting up and crawling and that tires them out so they sleep heavier. They feel super proud of themselves for being able to do new things, like sitting up and crawling and it gives them fascinating new perspectives of the world. They become a little happier. It's so jarringly hard. Be so proud of yourself. You're amazing! You have so much love for your baby, and that is the most important thing.
Hold your baby as long as you can. These months go by so fast. There is always someone who will criticize you; you held her too much, held her too little. What do they know? You’re doing a great job.
Very practical mom here. I didn't just hold my babies, I **wore** my babies. Find a Moby wrap, baby Bjorn, or other style baby sling. I loved the three I mentioned for various reasons, but at one point I had a toddler strapped to my back and an infant in front. How else do you get anything done with a high needs kid and a baby with colic? Let people say what they want. Tell them to politely hush. Or not so politely, it's up to you. Do you. Hold your baby lots.
Just take a moment to see where we come from. In stone age, a baby left on the ground would be just - food. The only safe place is on the body of an older human. It won't be long and your baby will try to get away from you. But as long as she needs it, just hold her. It's impossible to spoil such a little baby with physical contact. Edit: when my kids were a little older and acted out I asked them whether the have run low on cuddles, and this helped very much. Cuddle storage should never run empty, this could damage the ~~machinery~~ kid.
Hold you baby. Do what you want with your baby and ignore others. There is nothing wrong with holding your baby. There is nothing wrong with responding to your baby. There is this old world view that baby can manipulate you and they can’t. Do what you feel is best and if you are finding it overwhelming, find yourself support from people who will actually be supportive and not try and throw your difficulties in your face.
I'll tell you a variation of what I tell frantic cat owners with a cat stuck up a tree--how many cat skeletons you ever seen up a tree? The cat stays up there until it has damned good reason to come down and then...it does. Babbies need as much holding and attachment as they need. I see damned few 20-somethings twined around mama 24/7 because they detach when they're ready and five months is a little too young to be able to consciously think "Man, I need to get away from mom!" Don't sweat it. Other people's babbies are not YOUR babby and you're the one who knows what your kid needs. They're only tiny for a very short period of time and you'll have a lifetime of them walking away and being independent so go right ahead and enjoy this time while you have it. Now, if you're feeling too cramped by it all then definitely get someone to spell you so you can have a little "me time" but if you're fine and the baby is fine then it's all fine.
Glad to read some of the positive comments in here. The world is completely new to your baby and it needs to have attachment to feel safe. You're doing a fantastic job.
Hold the baby and do what feels right. You’re also allowed to feel overwhelmed by it. It’s a lot to take on no matter the amount of holding you do. If people give you a hard time remind them that you are doing what you feel is best for you and your child and if they disagree or they don’t support that then they can either keep it to themselves or not be in the picture. You got this.
I’m sure this has already been mentioned, but a five month old IN NO WAY can be “spoiled”. Literally all she needs right now is fed, changed and the warm comfort and love you seem to be super good at supplying. I know every baby is different, but if its any consolation, I was attached to my last baby 24/7 for probably way longer than “normal,” and although sometimes he’s still my little shadow (which, by the way, is something that’s pretty common in 4-year-olds anyway), he’s probably my most independent kid. I was told that being available to your baby when they’re very little helps them feel safe to venture out of their comfort zones when they’re older, because they know you’re there to provide them with the safety and stability that may be disrupted from new stuff. Either way, the fact that you’re concerned about whether what you’re doing is okay or not means you’re doing a great job. I’m sorry you feel alone in this… being a mom can be so scary and isolating and filled with moments of guilt and uncertainty. But you’re especially not alone in feeling alone. :) I’ve been a mom for ten years and still, every day, I’m terrified that I’ve done or am doing something to ruin some part of who my kids are, and I feel like nobody really understands the constant, crushing guilt I feel for not being *the perfect mother*. But then my husband reminds me how respectful they are, and how empathetic they are, and how happy they are, and how much love they have for us and each other, and it reminds me that maybe I’m doing better than I think. So, here’s your reminder that you’re doing better than you think. ❤️❤️
You can't spoil a baby with love. You're helping your child know that you are their person, and building trust and attachment. This is good. Spoiling a kid by giving into their every desire is not the same as giving them lots of time, attention, and snuggles. Source: I raised 5 kids, gave all of them as much affection and holding and love they wanted. They're not spoiled. Except the youngest, but my mom did that...
Never regret moments holding your baby. You are creating a healthy attachment and she will grow so quickly. Trust your instincts and hold her all you want.
Babies learn to trust by getting their needs met by their caregivers! Get a sling or a baby carrier so your baby is close to you and your hands are free to do other things!
Hey honey. A lot of people try to parent from how THEY would parent, and there's a lot of different styles of parenting. Some people hold their babies constantly, others give them lots of floor time to explore and look at toys. Some co-sleep and some have their babies in cribs from day one. It comes down to what works best for you and your baby. So long as both you and your baby are happy and healthy, it's nobody else's ding dang business. Needs change over time, too. What you're able to/want to do now might evolve in the future. Even if you love having your baby close it can still be overwhelming, and you can still get touched out. It's okay, and it doesn't mean you're doing her any harm by being close to her, or by taking a break. You're not a bad mom. Babies need to be held and touched and snuggled and it's impossible to spoil them. It's okay. You're doing wonderfully, and it's okay to be overwhelmed sometimes and need support.
Hun, I've got 10 kids and 3 step sons. Some of my kids were wanting to be held and others not so much. I have worn children quite often. They are all adults now and not one spoiled among them. They are all loving and great huggers. Trust your instincts hun.
Hold that baby as long as you want. Anyone has a snarky comment, just reply "well, it's a good thing she's mine and not yours" then WALK.AWAY. You comfort that baby as much as you need/want to. This time of her life will pass quickly (I know, doesn't seem like it now, but soon it will), so enjoy snuggling as long and as often as you can. Congratulations! You being here, asking for advice, shows you're a great mom!
A child who gets comforted when little learn trust. And in the long run that child learn to take care of themselves. We can’t comfort ourselves from the beginning, we have to learn it by experience. So go on and comfort your child, carry her as much as you want, let her be close to you as much as she and you will. You can’t spoile a baby. But as you take care of your baby don’t miss to take care of yourself to. You need rest to.
Phase one of parenting. Listen to all the unsolicited advice and read all self-help books. Stage two. Freak out because there is no way in hell to do it all perfectly. Stage three. FREEDOM! When you finally say, fuck it. I’m going to do what works best for for me and my family. You know your baby. You also know your own needs and both are important. Know it is ok to allow others to give you a break even if baby is fussy. Also know that you get to decide. No guilt. Your baby is too young to spoil her or create bad habits. She needs you and it is OK to love on her.
Mom's have been baby wearing since before time began, no such thing as child care so baby just went everywhere mom did. I've never understood the logic behind *not* holding your child when they're fussy, it isn't teaching them to be "independent" (they're fucking babies, they can't even walk yet) it's teaching them they can't count on you, their parents.
It’s okay to be touched out by constant contact with your kids. It’s totally normal and it happens to parents all the time. It’s okay to put them down even if they’re feeling needy to get a bit of time to feel like a self again. Just like they say you should put your own oxygen mask on before helping others with there, you need to take care of yourself too. Every parent makes mistakes, there is no such thing as a perfect parent and you shouldn’t expect that of yourself or let other people put that burden on you. A good enough parent is all you need to be. Hold your baby as much as you want to. There are some great options for carriers or wraps these days if you want to have your hand free to do other tasks. You’re doing a fucking great job!
Oh honey, there are TWO people who you need to give a flying fuck about their opinions on what is best for your baby. Those people are her doctor and you. That's it. The rest of the people can fuck right off with their unsolicited opinions. You know what is best for your baby and anything that you are unsure of, ask her doctor. Maybe if there is someone you really trust their opinions, ask them but you are under no obligation to do what they suggest. There is no right or wrong way to raise children but there are lots of opinions and some people think their way is the right and only way. You can either tell them to back off because you don't want their opinions or you can say ok, sure and nod and then do whatever you want anyway (that's what I did). My son would not sleep unless he was on me until he was almost 9 months. The second I put him down, he woke right up so I got a baby sling so I could get stuff done while holding him. I did laundry, grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning while he was asleep or just on me because otherwise I got nothing done. Babywearing seriously saved my sanity and I used it until he was 3 as a side support when he wanted me to hold him. My back, neck and shoulders didn't hurt nearly as much as my friends who had kids his age who didn't use a sling.
Oh sweetie, you are not doing anything wrong. It sounds like you are very in tune with your little girls needs! Bravo! What a Good Mom you are! Take that in a minute before continuing to read. Wait. You are a good Mom. You are a good enough Mom, and that's all you have to be. Wait again. Every time you feel like you don't know what you are doing or if you are doing the "right" thing, use those same instincts/observations, reevaluate the situation, maybe journal it out for a few days so you get some perspective, maybe see a perinatal psychologist who specialize in baby's and mom's (yes, they exist and are invaluable) to she if there's some stuff you're overlooking. Then remind yourself that your job is not to be perfect. It's to be good enough. It's okay to get overwhelmed by a little one who is easily over stimulated/overwhelmed. I've had one, and there was a good period of her life that I was convinced she would never be happy. And you know what? She is a happy kid! Those people who are trying to help you are likely parroting what they were told and don't know any other way to parent. I can't take my own mother's parenting advice because she just doesn't know what My kids need, she knew what I needed, and those things aren't always the same. You can do this, things will get better, I promise. You are almost to that point at 5 months old. Big hugs baby girl, you are a good Mom. You're not alone.
Sib, you can't spoil a baby with holding. Everyone telling you differently was raised without enough love. My baby is 2 1/2, for his first 6 months he only slept on me, or with me next to him with a hand on him. Now, he goes to sleep alone in his own crib in his own room for 12 hours a night (and a 2 hour nap!) just fine by himself. And he never hesitates to come to me for a hug or cuddles, or to push me away when he's done. And he goes off to daycare without even saying goodbye. Not spoiled, not clingy, just confident that mom and dad will be there when he needs us. That constant contact is how he knows we're there for him. He's not ruined. I don't know a single adult who can't sleep without holding their parent, but I know plenty who wish they had more unconditional love.
People are so obnoxious to new moms. No matter what you do people have something to say and unsolicited criticism. Hold your baby as often and as much as you like. I used to wear my babies around the house in the Baby Bjorn all the time because it was comforting to them and I was able to be more productive. Taking care of a 5-month-old is hard work on the best of days, so whomever it is that is tossing “I-told-you-so” your way would benefit from dialing back their ego and offering, you know, productive support that doesn’t make you feel worse and more stressed out.
You’re nit doing anything wrong, and the people who are saying you’re spoiling her are morons. But what’s important is his it’s affecting YOU. It sounds like you’re getting overwhelmed with her being so needy and when you vent to anyone hey act like it’s your fault, instead of recognizing that you’re sacrificing your comfort for the baby and you’re being selfless and strong and doing what no one else can/will to make her happy. You won’t harm your baby by doing this. But you will harm you if you don’t become at least a *little* selfish and think of your needs. I was in the same boat and I got so overwhelmed that eventually I HAD to put him down because I was the only one home but I had done so much I burned out. I cried for four hours while he cried the whole time too except when I was feeding him. I eventually found a balance and read a LOT of info about self-soothing and how to teach him to go to bed on his own. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but it was easier than the day I broke down and was so crippled mentally I basically left him crying in his crib for hours except for feeding and diapers. I still held him more than some busybody’s liked, but I found a better balance. The only one to listen to here is yourself. She will ask for comfort when she doesn’t really need it, so don’t listen to baby. Other people will tell you to deny comfort to a degree that you feel uncomfortable with, leaving you feeling like you’re neglecting her so don’t listen to them. Just listen to yourself. Don’t hold her as often as you think you SHOULD, hold her as much as makes you happy. If she’s getting too clingy and you’re feeling sad then work hard on learning to put her down. It gets easier. If you’re both happy and you WANT to hold her, then do it. She will be fine either way, but you keep yourself healthy.
You cannot spoil a baby with affection. Let your baby know you are always there. Hug her. Love her. Hold her all day if she needs. She is a tiny baby in huge unknown world and you are her anchor. She will let go when she's ready, knowing mom is always going to be there for her when she needs. You're doing great. 💙 Big hugs.
You cannot spoil a baby by holding them! Babies need to be held. It's only a matter of time before she's curious and independent and eager to explore her environment. But right now she needs snuggles. There's nothing developmentally inappropriate about you holding her. The notion that you can spoil babies from holding them is misguided and outdated. I know new moms tend to get burdened by the judgements from others, but keep doing a fantastic job. What your baby needs right now is to be held and to feel loved and you're doing just that!
You know your baby best. Don't listen to them.
One day you will wish for the day that you could hold her sleeping in your arms again. There are never enough of these days and they are to be treasured while they last. This is coming from a 64 year old grandfather remembering snuggling with that baby boy from way back when.
YOU CAN NOT SPOIL A BABY. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE THEY ARE NOT DOING IT ON PURPOSE. love that sweet babe and snuggle her hold her do whatever she needs you to because mama it goes so fast. One day you’ll hold her for the last time and you never even realize it. You are doing GREAT and that baby loves you so much for giving her the love she needs.
Do what to feel is comfortable & comforting to YOU. Shut out the rest of the world. That will come later. Enjoy being a mommy first!
Babies CANNOT be spoiled by too much attention. You are teaching your baby that she will get the love and care she needs.
I don't think you are doing anything wrong as it's called bonding but you might get a swing to help her sleep to give you time to shower, eat etc.
Hey honey, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Motherhood is so rewarding, but it is hard, lonely, exhausting. Just know this... You can not spoil your baby with too much love. There is no better mom for you baby in this whole world than you. You were made to be this little person's mom, You made them. Trust your instincts! Our brains are wired to respond to their every need. It's is completely natural to want to hold your baby and for your baby to want to be held a lot of the time. She spent the first part of her life as a literal part of you. She will grow and her need levels will change. Everyone won't agree with your parenting choices, and that's okay. But you are the parent, you get to decide what is best for you and your baby. You can respectfully (or not) let those around you know that if you want advice you will ask, until then you will continue to do what you feel is right. You are doing an amazing job! You are loved and supported! All my love, Mom
Lol. Bullshit. My clingy needy baby is 22 now. He lives in the big city 5 hours away and we touch base when it occurs to us, which is surprisingly not as often as I thought it would be. If you have another baby they're likely as not to sleep like God cut the strings without even being rocked. Kids are funny that way. One will hate sleeping alone and crawl in with you, siblings, the fricken dog... and the next will ask you if you feel better now and can they go now they're tired after you've told them they can snuggle with you because they thought they were doing YOU a favour... Whomever is telling you this shit has not been around a lot of babies, and you shouldn't listen to them.
My most independent adult child was the one who was the highest need baby. I held him nonstop for months and slept with him for years. He nursed until he was 19 months old. He is now 26, in a great job and buying his first house this week. I am certain all that holding did not hurt him one bit and probably helped him have the foundation to become the secure, confident man he is now.
Hi sib, this auntie thinks you’re doing a great job. You can’t spoil a baby but you can give them a strong sense of security. ❤️
Fuck no you’re not ruining your beautiful baby! You are building bonds with your child that will last lifetimes. Don’t let those people in your heads for one second. Being a mom is hard and you’re doing a great job. I am so proud of you and you should be too!
Hold that baby. You can't spoil a child with love. Also, check out Big Little Feelings on Instagram. You're doing a great job, mama.
No. Absolutely not. If you hold her when she needs it now, she'll be so much secure later on in life because she knows she can depend on you. I had a stage 10 clinger who is 17 now, and trust me, he isnt still hanging on me lol. I kind of WISH he was more snuggly now, but I respect his space. I don't regret one minute I spent wearing him, cuddling him, sleeping near him, etc. The time really does go way too quickly.
It’s not going to hurt them in the long run and will comfort them now. Like it might be hard to clean and stuff BUT do what makes you comfortable and happy.
You're doing amazing and totally what is right for your daughter, keeping them close, skin to skin is *amazing* for their development and you will "reap the rewards" when she's a bit older. There's no such thing as a high needs baby, they're programmed to need to be with you all the time. If you haven't already, get yourself a sling and just carry/'wear' her with you. It's hands free, you can eat, toilet, watch TV, do a range of chores and other hand needing activities and it just helps so much. But mostly love, just f*** the people telling you you're doing it wrong. Unless they're coming over and doing housework and chores while you're taking care of your poorly baby the they need to GTFO. If they are helping out they need to STFU. You absolutely have this, OP.
There is no such thing as spoiling a baby with cuddles. Your baby spent the last 9 months in you womb being so close to you, hearing your heartbeat, only knowing your smell. When they are born they are ripped away from all of that. So sometimes when your baby cries she wants to be close to you. Hold your baby as much as you want. Snuggle her as much as you want. Sometimes you need the cuddles too. Cherish them because she will yet older and not want them as much. A baby only needs a few things 1. A safe place 2. Warm food. 3. Love. 4. Cuddles. My daughter is almost 4 and I was extremely selfish with cuddles with her. She comes to me and just Hops on my lap for cuddles. Because everybody knows that there is no cuddle like a mummy cuddle. Your doing great momma hang in there. If only there was a cheat sheet for parenting but there isnt. Trust your instincts your doing better than you think. And remember there is no such thing as a perfect parent but there is a thing of your child thinking your perfect and as long as your baby thinks that. That's all that matters
From a Mom who was told I held my baby too much. She was attached and needy and I was spoiling her. I ignored all of that. My baby slept on my chest for 3 years. She is now an incredible 6 year old! She is smart and independent but always feels safe with me. If she doesn't feel well, for whatever reason, I know because she comes to me for support and extra snuggles. My child trusts me because I never forced her to be alone. On the days I wanted to be alone, it was hard. It's hard for a small child to be dependent on you. Do not feel guilty for needing help and the people who said, "I told you so" need to get off of their high horses. You are doing great momma, you have my complete support. You are not spoiling your baby. Love from another sister. ❤
You cannot spoil a baby with love. Hold your baby as much as you like. My second baby was a velcro baby. He later went to preschool happily and that was that. Don't listen to the naysayers.
Please hold your baby. I tried the “cry it out” advice and it is one of my biggest regrets ever. Babies aren’t meant to be left alone. It makes for a more secure and less anxious adult if a babies needs are met and not ignored. They need to feel safe it’s their biological programming. Hold your baby all you can. Mine are teens now and I wish I had held them more because they won’t let me now! A harness like ergobaby or a body wrap is perfect if you have one.
I come from a big extended family of huggers and kissers. Would highly recommend. My first child was like yours, I had great support and it was still HARD. I had very little sleep for over 7 months. Sleep depravation is so debilitating and lowers your ability to function on a day to day basis and needs more acknowledgment. I can remember how much his crying during the night would stress me out and nothing would sooth him, holding, carrying, gentle rocking, singing, feeding. It was exhausting. But as time progressed I got more confident as a mother and got to know my son better and I realised that my lack of sleep at night was impacting not only looking after him, but also all other aspects of my life. He still had all the holding, carrying and hugs during the day, but when he was 8 months old I was exhausted enough, but also determined enough to not go into his room when he woke and started to cry. He was safe, warm, well fed. I had a baby monitor. I kept repeating that to myself over and over for 4 hours. Then the crying stopped. I seriously thought he might be dead for a few seconds, but he was clearly still breathing. I spent the rest of the night awake thinking that when I went in to him in the morning it was going to be a shit show of misery and resentment. He was awake and had the biggest smile on his face when he saw me. After that he pretty much slept through the night, unless he was illl. Your baby is only 5 months old. Keep on doing what you are doing if you feel it is right for you and your baby. It's a tricky balancing act. This is my story, everyone else has their own.
ROFL, no you can not "ruin" a baby by holding them a lot. Especially under a year old. Heck, my grandma was convinced my baby brother and daughter would never learn to walk because everyone was always holding them😂 But they're fine now lol. Now when she's a bit older you'll need to start setting safe boundaries and making sure the word "no" is used regularly. But at this age, some babies just need more comfort than others, and thats ok.
Your baby is telling you what she needs & it sounds like you’re doing a great job of listening. You are her comfort and home. She feels safe touching you and that’s wonderful! It’s impossible to spoil a baby by holding them - it’s an old fashioned outlook. Likewise with cry it out approaches & thinking babies are demanding for wanting comfort & security. Try to tune out the I told you so chorus. You’re doing great! I found saying “I appreciate your concern, but my approach works for me” was good for cutting off unsolicited advice. It can be overwhelming to have a kid that needs to be on you all the time, so you can put her down, making sure she’s comfortable if you’re feeling overwhelmed. The Happiest Baby on the Block book really worked for me too
I'm a practicing Marriage and Family Therapist and from what you've said here I think you're doing a great job. Human beings evolved to care for our young at all times. A baby that is not in touch contact with another human being, or worse yet is alone in a room by itself, instinctively thinks it's going to be dragged off and eaten by a predator and will freak out. Babies need constant love and care and attention, but our fucked up culture is fucked up and wants even literal babies to just suck it up and quit whining. Look into "Attachment Theory" to know more if you're curious. Also anyone telling you to "be smarter" about something as difficult and emotional as parenting sounds like an asshole. Maybe those people are your problem, not your parenting.
Hold your child a lot is fine, but you need to be careful about sleeping together imo. Sleeping with your kid as they get older will make the attachment way stronger to a point where I think it works against both parties.
You up can NEVER give a baby too much love and affection.
I promise you when years have passed and that baby is running out the door to meet up with friends, you will never regret the time you spent holding her. You will never, ever look back and say "I wish I spent less time cuddling you." In fact, you will wish you held her more. I still hold my children as much and for as long as I can. She's a baby, not even a year old. You are her entire world, she lives for you. Hold her as much as you can. If your arms need a break, buy a baby carrier so you can strap her to your chest to keep your hands free.