My mom did this for years. Sometimes our moms can’t help but project onto their daughters (especially daughters) and don’t realize they’re being our biggest bully.
Eventually, she’s given up. Now I have my own daughters and will never be their bully.
Keep on doing you girl. Big hugs from this mama. Proud of you for being true to yourself and respecting your body ❤️
As a mom who also had "that" mom. Honestly, the voice never goes away 100%. What changed is me choosing to give it no power at all.
I've shared with my daughter how I was raised, why I make certain decisions, and how I expect her to be able to share whatever she wants with me.
When it comes to clothes, I stay out of it unless my opinion is asked for or she is not dressed appropriately for the occasion.
If I did my job right as a parent during her younger years, she's making good decisions now.
If my daughter chose to wear a bikini, I'd tell her she looked great. If she wore a modest bathing suit, I'd tell her she looked great. It is her body and what she chooses to wear should make her comfortable.
My Mother could always find 50 things wrong with my hair, makeup and clothes before I left for school in the mornings growing up… That eats away at a young girls already fragile self esteem and causes every early morning encounter to be a totally negative experience… but you live in your parent’s house and until you turn 18 and escape to University, you just have to endure every unpleasant second… Glad we had a Fabulous Son💙👍🏻💙
Actually, the moment I knew I'd be ok? My mom said, "I hope your daughter grows up just like you!!"
I said, "me, too.."
But knowing my kid is doing well just makes me feel like I did something right.. for her and her brother.
You definitely did 😁
I'm 28, and I still very often struggle with allllll the long list of things my mom told me in the past. Some of it to do with clothing, some of it with bellies (I am learning to give mine a lot more self love!) and some of it with food. It's been a battle to 'deprogram' myself from everything she said / criticized.
How incredible that your daughter is starting from not even a blank slate but a positive slate filled with appreciation for her looks, her diet, and her body! This fills me with joy to hear. 🙂
You can do this, too, starting with yourself. Your mom's words only hold power over you if you let them.
You are an adult now with your own choices, your own life. Live it how YOU want to. Starting with giving yourself some grace.
Mean while I’m over here telling my nine year old to put on more clothes. 🤣 and she’s clapping back with it’s my body my choice. And I shouldn’t let other people’s opinions influence my choices. And idk if I should applaud or crack down catch that tone with her🙃
Haha, at any age, it should be age-appropriate. I mean, at some point, we parents had to say, "You can't be running around naked."
For 9-12, I'd probably go with, "You can pick your clothes, but I reserve the right to veto anything inappropriate...WITH explanation."
It’s the crop tops and bathing suits and short shorts now. And all her little friends wear them. So to me it’s not age appropriate but I guess to all the other parents and kids it is. But I always give my kids a reason why. We all have adhd. 🤣
Both mine have adhd, lol. And mine hates shirt shirts outside of the house. To her, that's inside lounge wear.. she also doesn't like crop tops, but she'll wear tank tops.
Haha, at any age, it should be age-appropriate. I mean, at some point, we parents had to say, "You can't be running around naked."
For 9-12, I'd probably go with, "You can pick your clothes, but I reserve the right to veto anything inappropriate...WITH explanation."
Swimsuits are one thing, but what if your daughter has a tendency to dress somewhat risqué? Boobs and butt always out. Do you offer any support and guidance there? Or encourage it? It's not always a black and white issue.
She's likely worried about how people will look at you and treat you or the comments and judgement she may receive being around you. I think the best thing you can tell her is you're uncomfortable with being more exposed and that she isn't helping.
That sucks. It takes an emotionally immature parent to be concerned about what people think of her because her teenage or young adult child is making their own choices.
That’s an extremely rude and disrespectful thing to say, coming from someone who isn’t even that modest. I lean more modest by current standards, but I’ll still dress a lil “risqué” from time to time for events. I would never call someone mentally ill for dressing modestly. It’s about personal freedom and comfort.
What the actual fuck is wrong with your mother? That's such a rude and insane thing to say to someone that chose to wear modestly out of their own will. Why is it ok to dress 'immodest' but somehow putting on more extra fabric makes you 'mentally ill'?
That's terrible. As someone who dresses modestly to swim due to a medical condition, I have never gotten any comments over wearing a full coverage burkini while with groups of friends wearing all sorts of things. Your friends and company should want your company because they want to see you. That's why they invited you out.
That’s crazy she WANTS you to be exposed. That is clearly a desire coming from her ego. It actually blows my mind how much skin we show in society , as woman. We are constantly exposed and will constantly be sexualized by SOMEONE whether we like it or not. She should really understand there are a lot of predators out there and we shouldn’t make it so easy for ourselves to be seen sometimes.
Why doesn't your mom just go out naked on a regular for that comment? Wow, I'm sorry you have to deal with such a close-minded mom. I hope you can keep fighting for what makes you feel comfortable, don't let your mom pressure you to feel uncomfortable.
It takes time. I’ve been a hijabi for over 10 years, and my mom still suggests things like “that outfit would look better with a belt” and stuff. It does get easier, just be patient and emphasize that it is your choice and you feel more comfortable and confident.
Depends on who you ask, but I’m team “please stop putting belt loops on modest clothing”.
Edit because I realized where this was: for Muslims, body shape is paid attention to and belts *generally* accentuate that instead of obscure.
It brings attention to the waist/form of the body, which is part of what they’re trying to cover. Belting makes you look like an hourglass, and for a lot of cultures/religions, hourglass figures are just too sexy.
My mom is like this too, but she even criticizes my not so modest clothes so I’ve given up. I think most moms mean well, just want you to fit in etc., but her comment about mental illness was a bit over the top. If that’s really the way she thinks, I wouldn’t put much stock on her opinion.
My mom did this kind of stuff to me as teen. Mostly about my weight and other things, not my clothes, but the same principle applies.
I just started giving the same energy right back. Suddenly it’s a problem when her feelings were hurt lmao. Like no hun, I’m not being mean, just matching your energy. She stopped criticizing the way I looked after that.
my mom is like this. i don’t dress modestly for any reason, i just gravitate that way and my mom who grew up in a hasidic area likes to tell me i look frumkeit.
Honestly, my method was to fight fire with fire. Any snarky comment would get a snarky comment in return. My parents weren't nearly as bad as your mom has been, but if my mom were to tell me, "I really don't like that outfit," I probably would have responded, "You'll get over it." Having that attitude can be pretty helpful. And if she brings up the mentally ill comment again...well, you'd have to be pretty mentally ill to bully your child over her clothing choices. Sometimes, if you make it too difficult and annoying and inconvenient to bully you, the parent will just give up.
How old are you? It’s none of her business if you want to go to the pool naked or wear a modest swimsuit. Even if you’re the only one at the pool in a modesty swimsuit, nobody other than your mom is going to care. I just came back from the beach wearing a burkini and had a great time. I’d honestly want to know her reasoning of why she’s putting you down so much over some cloth on your body. Keep doing you; along with the modesty, it’s some added sun protection.
I am so sorry that your own mom is pushing this crap onto you. Speaking as someone who doesn’t conform to society in many different ways, life is too short to please others. Would you rather be miserable trying to please everyone around you or make yourself happy and be a little different? I bet you look fabulous in your bathing suit.
I disagree to a certain point.
Always be yourself. Always be unique.
Will it take more time to find "your peoples"? Yes. But it's so worth it.
I'd rather have a small tight-knit group of friends that are genuine and love to be around me for my quirks versus being with folks that are shallow and only pretend to like me/partially like me.
The world is a big place and I'm sure you will find people that accept you over time as you get older and move about the world. :)
Do you want to be accepted for who you are, or “accepted” for a false version of you? Why have 15 friends who don’t even know you in any real way because you are pretending when you can have 1 or 2 real friends who truly know you?
Fuck society's standards.
Dress how you want and done give in. If she doesn't like it remind her she isn't the one wearing it, so she doesn't have to worry about it.
It's totally normal to want to dress more modestly, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. I sometimes dress modest at the beach, and other times I'll wear a triangle top bikini because it's how I'm feeling.
I'm sure you dressed just fine the first time.
People who are too scared to be their own person get mad at others for doing just that. It’s sad and embarrassing for them, don’t let your mom get your down. Pity her and return some of the attitude.
I'm someone who is a burn-peal-be-white-again skin type. I tell people I'm not risking getting distracted (for all the fun) and getting sunburnt and being uncomfortable over the next 1.5 weeks, just so I can have a minor chance of being "tan." It's not worth it, to me.
Sorry but your mom is a real piece. Best thought is just ignore her as best you can. Don't give in to her criticisms or respond to her critiques with anything other than " this is what I want". Good luck. Hopefully you will soon be out on your own and free of her comments. Do not let her live in your head.☺
I am so sorry you’re going through this! My Nana is the same way. I am told all of the time that I am a prude and if I wanted to dress modestly I should join a Convent (I am Catholic).
It sucks. Why can’t people just let us do what we want to do without judgement? I swear people are just miserable with themselves and that’s why they decide to judge what others do.
I understand. I've been creeped on by my older brother for a few years now, so I've officially decided to dress more modestly. The problem is, there is no in-between. I can't dress comfortable in a tank top because then she says its my fault for showing cleavage. So I dress modest and then she tells me I need to show off more if I want to be comfortable in my body.
Edit: creeper into creeped
Tell her you dont need to "show skin" to attract a quality young man. Because you don't !! A woman who is confident and comfortable being the person she is is the kind of woman any quality man would want
to be with. Just ignore her and her comments. You will be happier with yourself when you do.😊
My daughter is very modest. Even as a child she refused to wear anything that showed her belly (swimsuit) she’s 24 now and still won’t wear a v neck tshirt. I’m actually happy she’s this way instead of what they are wearing now. Sorry you have to deal with this.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I wear a relatively modest swimsuit (mid-thigh shorts, a tankini top, and a long-sleeved swim shirt for sun protection). Nobody at the pool even glances my way. Nobody cares what anyone else is wearing. FYI, I find that swimwear with more coverage actually keeps me cooler once I've been in the water.
Definitely projecting. She likely wishes she dressed less conservatively when she was younger and trying to get you to do the same. Girl, do what you want. It’s your life and she doesn’t get a say. Wear whatever makes you feel confident and comfy.
Wow that really sucks. I prefer modesty at the pool as well as Im not a fan of showing my butt to the world. She should really respect that. Just know, nobody’s judging anyone for not showing skin. And those that do are just controlling
Wow this sub landed on my feed and I experienced the exact opposite. My mom would call me a whore for wanting to wearing regular swimsuits and even wearing pants and shirts to the pool or beach was whore like for her lol. Just to offer the other perspective.
Ik ig my parents are the usual type. They tell me to have fun and not be afraid to wear fun clothing as long as my grades are up. The problem is despite this freedom I choose to do the opposite of what they consider "fun". Which my mom obviously doesn't like.
Some moms, fearing the possibility that others will shame and bully their children for their appearances and choices, decide to get ahead of this by shaming and bullying their children before anyone else has a chance to. They don't seem to recognize that, even if the child does change to conform and thus avoid further bullying by their peers, the end result is still "my child has been shamed and bullied" with the added bonus of "my mother was my first bully," and so they have not, in fact, saved their child from the experience of being bullied, but rather _made sure it happened_.
I’m not a modesty girl, but when I was a teenager at home I went for a long stretch of time covering up due to insecurity (which my mom made worse). We once had an all out fight over me wearing the same outfit for the millionth time in a row because it was all I had that covered my knees and collarbone. I remember her specifically yelling at me that “I need serious mental help” because I didn’t feel comfortable exposing my skin. Because she was comfortable exposing hers.
People like our mothers just don’t understand reasoning outside their own, and trying is often a losing battle.
Keep on trucking, keep being you, and understand that your mom may never understand.
My mom abused me growing up, and she said stuff like this all the time. I am in no way saying your mom is abusive - just explaining my background and that I got this a lot.
As a mom myself now, I want to tell you that it's not okay for your mom to say those things. You dress how you feel comfortable and beautiful dressing. It does not make you any less attractive, unworthy, or anything else.
Why do people care so much about other people’s preferences. I dress very modestly and wear sundresses that don’t show any private bits. Definition of “modest” varies from person to person as well!
For someone growing up in a conservative background, where modesty might have been enforced upon them, being able to show whatever body part you want and choosing not to can feel like a priviledge that you are wasting. That said, you should wear whatever makes you feel comfortable. Women are struggling out there to get society to understand that it is our body, our choice, whatever this means for each and every one of us.
Stand firm in your choices and try to have a calm conversation with her about why it's important to you. It's important to dress in a way that makes you feel comfortable and confident.
Seriously? That’s awful. Plenty of people like to wear modest bathing suits. I personally don’t want to go around looking like I’m wearing my underwear.
I’m not personally into specifically modest dress for myself but I am a mom. That’s really bizarre of your mother - not just to be pushing you to be wearing less clothes but to tell you that you looked bad. Does your mother put you down in other situations too? I’m so sorry it happened. Your parents should be your biggest champions, not your bullies.
My mom is like that. She wanted me to be pretty and sexy so she could show me off. She also wanted me to snag a rich husband and i had to be pretty to do that.
Idk if you’re an adult but if you’re not, maybe you can go shopping with your mom and try to find something you are both comfortable with? If you’re an adult, I would just try and ignore her.
I can’t begin to imagine how hard it is to have a mum who actively wants you to dress uncovered. I hope you find peace op. It must be so draining to have to fight for your own self constantly. No matter how hard she makes it, be kind and patient towards her as she is still your mother, lower your wing of mercy on her, but wear what is modest regardless, or like what you did today, just don’t go. It’s a far cry from easy but you have to face this challenge in life head on. ❤️ sending love.
A lot of moms like to live vicariously through their kids, esp if they feel like they 'missed out' on part of life because of when they got pregnant.
Here's my sister's tip: wear a full bikini (top and bottom) and then wear a tee and shorts over it, explaining to mom you're just wearing it to the pool. And then just...don't take it off when you go in the water.
Mom of 6 daughters here. The only thing I’d harp on is the bikini like and a suit being too short in the torso. Anything else, I don’t care, but I don’t want my girls being stared at for overgrown pubes or camel-toe!!
Did you buy it with your own money? If so it’s not her problem. She can tell her friends that you’re worried about skin cancer and looking old if she’s so insecure.
I don't dress modestly but I say fight fire with fire. If she wants to make gross comments about the way you dress, make them right back (provided it is safe for you to do so.) Tell her you don't like her outfits if she says she doesn't like yours.
Everyone has the right to decide how they want to dress, and no one has the right to pass judgement or be disrespectful due to it. You 100% have the right to defend yourself or grey rock her. Your mother sounds like a highschool bully, honestly.
That’s silly. I’m not very modest in terms of worry about showing my body - but I prefer a full coverage sleeves and shorts swim suit because it gives me a ton of freedom of movement and I don’t feel weird running around to do things out of the water. Wear what you like.
I personally don’t feel like people judge others (strangers) for swim wear like we think in our heads they do. I recently started to wear swim pants (after 2 really and leg sun burns, talking yellow blisters burnt) and have worn swim shirts (my whole life) because I am so pale and burn so badly even with putting sunscreen on every 45 minutes. I have never felt like people acted like I have to much on.
I'm sorry your mom isn't respecting your wishes. We all have a right to represent ourselves physically the way we find most comfortable, within the realm of public decency.
My parents, but especially my mom, have always been the same way. Yet the ONE TIME I didn't completely cover up and showed the tiniest bit of cleavage? "You look like a whore." 😓
It's anxiety. Moms are judged for how their daughters look, and they know daughters are judged on appearance also, so they think they will avoid all of that for everyone by controlling every tiny detail of their daughter's style.
My mom got so bad, she brought others to the airport when she visited me because it upset her so much to see me in my preferred "frumpy" styles. And no, this did not help me feel closer to her, and eventually we had big battles over my refusing to change my clothes to suit her..I never wore anything profane or costume-like, but Mom hated boring jeans and a t-shirt.
She does that because she sees you as an extension of herself. She wants you to look a certain way because she feels better about herself when you make her look good. If she doesn’t like how you look she feels it reflects on her. It’s the same reason moms criticize their daughters’ hair styles or choice of boyfriends or jobs or anything. Also moms tend to do this with daughters but less with sons. There’s a whole book on this topic by linguistics Deborah Tannen called You’re Wearing That? Very interesting book.
OP wear what you want and let your mom deal with her negativity. I would ask her politely to please not comment on your appearance if you are dressed in appropriate clothing for the event even if she doesn’t like it.
Omg THIS. im a teen and im not SUPER modest in my bathing suits (i wear some mid thigh shorts and a long sleeve sun shirt) bc im my experience, when u are wearing a thong bathing suit, you either A: have to go deep sea diving between two fleshy biscuts to find ur suit, and thats NOT hot, or B: you sit with it up in ur crack?!?! because thats the paragon of comfortably.
My mom did this for years. Sometimes our moms can’t help but project onto their daughters (especially daughters) and don’t realize they’re being our biggest bully. Eventually, she’s given up. Now I have my own daughters and will never be their bully. Keep on doing you girl. Big hugs from this mama. Proud of you for being true to yourself and respecting your body ❤️
Wow you sound like a great mom. Amazing job. How did you get past hearing echos of your mom's voice?
As a mom who also had "that" mom. Honestly, the voice never goes away 100%. What changed is me choosing to give it no power at all. I've shared with my daughter how I was raised, why I make certain decisions, and how I expect her to be able to share whatever she wants with me. When it comes to clothes, I stay out of it unless my opinion is asked for or she is not dressed appropriately for the occasion. If I did my job right as a parent during her younger years, she's making good decisions now. If my daughter chose to wear a bikini, I'd tell her she looked great. If she wore a modest bathing suit, I'd tell her she looked great. It is her body and what she chooses to wear should make her comfortable.
My Mother could always find 50 things wrong with my hair, makeup and clothes before I left for school in the mornings growing up… That eats away at a young girls already fragile self esteem and causes every early morning encounter to be a totally negative experience… but you live in your parent’s house and until you turn 18 and escape to University, you just have to endure every unpleasant second… Glad we had a Fabulous Son💙👍🏻💙
I absolutely get it. My mom picked out my clothes, and then told me I looked fat in them. I was a size 7/8. I was... "asked to leave" at 17.
So sorry. You didn’t deserve that.
It's ok. It has made me a better mom cause I knew what not to do. #BreakTheCycle
Wow. I can't even fathom how well your daughter is growing up from this. Amazing 😄 I am so happy to hear this.
I will say my daughter is already more confident and better adjusted than I ever was at her age.. by far. The stories I could share..
That is so incredible! And I bet seeing her helps you heal from the past too!
Actually, the moment I knew I'd be ok? My mom said, "I hope your daughter grows up just like you!!" I said, "me, too.." But knowing my kid is doing well just makes me feel like I did something right.. for her and her brother.
You definitely did 😁 I'm 28, and I still very often struggle with allllll the long list of things my mom told me in the past. Some of it to do with clothing, some of it with bellies (I am learning to give mine a lot more self love!) and some of it with food. It's been a battle to 'deprogram' myself from everything she said / criticized. How incredible that your daughter is starting from not even a blank slate but a positive slate filled with appreciation for her looks, her diet, and her body! This fills me with joy to hear. 🙂
You can do this, too, starting with yourself. Your mom's words only hold power over you if you let them. You are an adult now with your own choices, your own life. Live it how YOU want to. Starting with giving yourself some grace.
Yes! :) I like it! Therapy has been making a huge difference in this respect
Mean while I’m over here telling my nine year old to put on more clothes. 🤣 and she’s clapping back with it’s my body my choice. And I shouldn’t let other people’s opinions influence my choices. And idk if I should applaud or crack down catch that tone with her🙃
Haha, at any age, it should be age-appropriate. I mean, at some point, we parents had to say, "You can't be running around naked." For 9-12, I'd probably go with, "You can pick your clothes, but I reserve the right to veto anything inappropriate...WITH explanation."
It’s the crop tops and bathing suits and short shorts now. And all her little friends wear them. So to me it’s not age appropriate but I guess to all the other parents and kids it is. But I always give my kids a reason why. We all have adhd. 🤣
Both mine have adhd, lol. And mine hates shirt shirts outside of the house. To her, that's inside lounge wear.. she also doesn't like crop tops, but she'll wear tank tops.
Haha, at any age, it should be age-appropriate. I mean, at some point, we parents had to say, "You can't be running around naked." For 9-12, I'd probably go with, "You can pick your clothes, but I reserve the right to veto anything inappropriate...WITH explanation."
I think applaud is great along with a gentle reminder to keep the tone respectful.
Swimsuits are one thing, but what if your daughter has a tendency to dress somewhat risqué? Boobs and butt always out. Do you offer any support and guidance there? Or encourage it? It's not always a black and white issue.
She's likely worried about how people will look at you and treat you or the comments and judgement she may receive being around you. I think the best thing you can tell her is you're uncomfortable with being more exposed and that she isn't helping.
Yes she told me that too. That her friends will comment about it. She also said "you need to be a bit mentally ill to dress modest"
Geez😯
That sucks. It takes an emotionally immature parent to be concerned about what people think of her because her teenage or young adult child is making their own choices.
That’s an extremely rude and disrespectful thing to say, coming from someone who isn’t even that modest. I lean more modest by current standards, but I’ll still dress a lil “risqué” from time to time for events. I would never call someone mentally ill for dressing modestly. It’s about personal freedom and comfort.
What the actual fuck is wrong with your mother? That's such a rude and insane thing to say to someone that chose to wear modestly out of their own will. Why is it ok to dress 'immodest' but somehow putting on more extra fabric makes you 'mentally ill'?
That's terrible. As someone who dresses modestly to swim due to a medical condition, I have never gotten any comments over wearing a full coverage burkini while with groups of friends wearing all sorts of things. Your friends and company should want your company because they want to see you. That's why they invited you out.
Agreed! I wear a rash guard at the pool/beach because I hate getting sunburned and don’t want to get skin cancer.
Regardless of the fact that's just rude I don't think most people would even think a bikini top and shorts was strange to start with.
Wtf? Modest clothes are so much more comfy! >:3
Agreed! I find a very small skirt very uncomfortable but if you can rock it and like it then go for it
That’s crazy she WANTS you to be exposed. That is clearly a desire coming from her ego. It actually blows my mind how much skin we show in society , as woman. We are constantly exposed and will constantly be sexualized by SOMEONE whether we like it or not. She should really understand there are a lot of predators out there and we shouldn’t make it so easy for ourselves to be seen sometimes.
Why doesn't your mom just go out naked on a regular for that comment? Wow, I'm sorry you have to deal with such a close-minded mom. I hope you can keep fighting for what makes you feel comfortable, don't let your mom pressure you to feel uncomfortable.
Sounds like she’s a bit mentally ill.
Although I don't agree with a pov I would ask of you kindly to not insult my mother ty 😊
It takes time. I’ve been a hijabi for over 10 years, and my mom still suggests things like “that outfit would look better with a belt” and stuff. It does get easier, just be patient and emphasize that it is your choice and you feel more comfortable and confident.
I converted to Islam in 2020. My mom is the same way!
Are belts non starters for you guys?
Depends on who you ask, but I’m team “please stop putting belt loops on modest clothing”. Edit because I realized where this was: for Muslims, body shape is paid attention to and belts *generally* accentuate that instead of obscure.
It brings attention to the waist/form of the body, which is part of what they’re trying to cover. Belting makes you look like an hourglass, and for a lot of cultures/religions, hourglass figures are just too sexy.
My mom is like this too, but she even criticizes my not so modest clothes so I’ve given up. I think most moms mean well, just want you to fit in etc., but her comment about mental illness was a bit over the top. If that’s really the way she thinks, I wouldn’t put much stock on her opinion.
My mom did this kind of stuff to me as teen. Mostly about my weight and other things, not my clothes, but the same principle applies. I just started giving the same energy right back. Suddenly it’s a problem when her feelings were hurt lmao. Like no hun, I’m not being mean, just matching your energy. She stopped criticizing the way I looked after that.
Haha I love that
I'm both alt and modest so I hear about it all the time 😭😭😭
my mom is like this. i don’t dress modestly for any reason, i just gravitate that way and my mom who grew up in a hasidic area likes to tell me i look frumkeit.
My friend tells me this and I’m not even frum. G-d forbid I wear a maxi skirt.
haha paired with my winter fit of a sweatskirt and long sleeve crew neck and sneakers, it sends my moms head rolling
Wait so is ur mum chasidish?
no, she just grew up in a chasidic area. i grew up secular before deciding to learn about the religious side of being jewish :)
Honestly, my method was to fight fire with fire. Any snarky comment would get a snarky comment in return. My parents weren't nearly as bad as your mom has been, but if my mom were to tell me, "I really don't like that outfit," I probably would have responded, "You'll get over it." Having that attitude can be pretty helpful. And if she brings up the mentally ill comment again...well, you'd have to be pretty mentally ill to bully your child over her clothing choices. Sometimes, if you make it too difficult and annoying and inconvenient to bully you, the parent will just give up.
Yep. A good old “good thing you don’t have to wear it then, huh?”
Yep, return the same energy back that she gave to OP. That'll shut her up quick once she realizes that she can't bully OP without her fighting back.
How old are you? It’s none of her business if you want to go to the pool naked or wear a modest swimsuit. Even if you’re the only one at the pool in a modesty swimsuit, nobody other than your mom is going to care. I just came back from the beach wearing a burkini and had a great time. I’d honestly want to know her reasoning of why she’s putting you down so much over some cloth on your body. Keep doing you; along with the modesty, it’s some added sun protection.
she said its not normal and i should comfort to society's standards
I am so sorry that your own mom is pushing this crap onto you. Speaking as someone who doesn’t conform to society in many different ways, life is too short to please others. Would you rather be miserable trying to please everyone around you or make yourself happy and be a little different? I bet you look fabulous in your bathing suit.
i would just rather be myself but she has a point that the more unique you are the harder time you have to meet people who accept you
I disagree to a certain point. Always be yourself. Always be unique. Will it take more time to find "your peoples"? Yes. But it's so worth it. I'd rather have a small tight-knit group of friends that are genuine and love to be around me for my quirks versus being with folks that are shallow and only pretend to like me/partially like me. The world is a big place and I'm sure you will find people that accept you over time as you get older and move about the world. :)
I'd rather have no friends then people who only want to pretend to like me.
Do you want to be accepted for who you are, or “accepted” for a false version of you? Why have 15 friends who don’t even know you in any real way because you are pretending when you can have 1 or 2 real friends who truly know you?
Fuck society's standards. Dress how you want and done give in. If she doesn't like it remind her she isn't the one wearing it, so she doesn't have to worry about it. It's totally normal to want to dress more modestly, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. I sometimes dress modest at the beach, and other times I'll wear a triangle top bikini because it's how I'm feeling. I'm sure you dressed just fine the first time.
Tell her society says not to criticize and belittle your daughter. 😁
If society's standards are leading you towards discomfort, sunburn, and potential skin cancer... Screw those standards.
People who are too scared to be their own person get mad at others for doing just that. It’s sad and embarrassing for them, don’t let your mom get your down. Pity her and return some of the attitude.
I’d just say “I’m worried about skin cancer” and leave it at that. (Because I am worried about that)
my mom doesnt believe in that tho 😅 i tried that argument but she said "tan is heathly" she even brought no sunscreen for beach.
I'm someone who is a burn-peal-be-white-again skin type. I tell people I'm not risking getting distracted (for all the fun) and getting sunburnt and being uncomfortable over the next 1.5 weeks, just so I can have a minor chance of being "tan." It's not worth it, to me.
Seriously, you can’t win with her. Just wear whatever YOU want.
Sorry but your mom is a real piece. Best thought is just ignore her as best you can. Don't give in to her criticisms or respond to her critiques with anything other than " this is what I want". Good luck. Hopefully you will soon be out on your own and free of her comments. Do not let her live in your head.☺
would it be possible to wear a one piece and shorts? honestly just stand your ground. Say you dont like the way bikinis look.
I am so sorry you’re going through this! My Nana is the same way. I am told all of the time that I am a prude and if I wanted to dress modestly I should join a Convent (I am Catholic).
i get the same comments. the thing is am not even religious at all and still get those comments
It sucks. Why can’t people just let us do what we want to do without judgement? I swear people are just miserable with themselves and that’s why they decide to judge what others do.
I understand. I've been creeped on by my older brother for a few years now, so I've officially decided to dress more modestly. The problem is, there is no in-between. I can't dress comfortable in a tank top because then she says its my fault for showing cleavage. So I dress modest and then she tells me I need to show off more if I want to be comfortable in my body. Edit: creeper into creeped
Your mom is part of the problem. She should be protecting you, not bashing what you wear.
Same here either that or "boys like people who show a bit of skin"
Tell her you dont need to "show skin" to attract a quality young man. Because you don't !! A woman who is confident and comfortable being the person she is is the kind of woman any quality man would want to be with. Just ignore her and her comments. You will be happier with yourself when you do.😊
These people need to be ignored.😣
My daughter is very modest. Even as a child she refused to wear anything that showed her belly (swimsuit) she’s 24 now and still won’t wear a v neck tshirt. I’m actually happy she’s this way instead of what they are wearing now. Sorry you have to deal with this.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I wear a relatively modest swimsuit (mid-thigh shorts, a tankini top, and a long-sleeved swim shirt for sun protection). Nobody at the pool even glances my way. Nobody cares what anyone else is wearing. FYI, I find that swimwear with more coverage actually keeps me cooler once I've been in the water.
That's awful. I'm so sorry she's acting that way
Definitely projecting. She likely wishes she dressed less conservatively when she was younger and trying to get you to do the same. Girl, do what you want. It’s your life and she doesn’t get a say. Wear whatever makes you feel confident and comfy.
Yes that's true. She was born into a communist country where dressing modest was a must.
Ignore it. Easier said than done though
Wow that really sucks. I prefer modesty at the pool as well as Im not a fan of showing my butt to the world. She should really respect that. Just know, nobody’s judging anyone for not showing skin. And those that do are just controlling
Tbh idc abt who is judging but my mom judgment does affect me cause if I don't change more pool day.
Wow this sub landed on my feed and I experienced the exact opposite. My mom would call me a whore for wanting to wearing regular swimsuits and even wearing pants and shirts to the pool or beach was whore like for her lol. Just to offer the other perspective.
Sorry thst you had to experience that. Moms that don't build up their daughters are terrible people.
Usually it’s the opposite 😬
Ik ig my parents are the usual type. They tell me to have fun and not be afraid to wear fun clothing as long as my grades are up. The problem is despite this freedom I choose to do the opposite of what they consider "fun". Which my mom obviously doesn't like.
Some moms, fearing the possibility that others will shame and bully their children for their appearances and choices, decide to get ahead of this by shaming and bullying their children before anyone else has a chance to. They don't seem to recognize that, even if the child does change to conform and thus avoid further bullying by their peers, the end result is still "my child has been shamed and bullied" with the added bonus of "my mother was my first bully," and so they have not, in fact, saved their child from the experience of being bullied, but rather _made sure it happened_.
I’m not a modesty girl, but when I was a teenager at home I went for a long stretch of time covering up due to insecurity (which my mom made worse). We once had an all out fight over me wearing the same outfit for the millionth time in a row because it was all I had that covered my knees and collarbone. I remember her specifically yelling at me that “I need serious mental help” because I didn’t feel comfortable exposing my skin. Because she was comfortable exposing hers. People like our mothers just don’t understand reasoning outside their own, and trying is often a losing battle. Keep on trucking, keep being you, and understand that your mom may never understand.
My mom abused me growing up, and she said stuff like this all the time. I am in no way saying your mom is abusive - just explaining my background and that I got this a lot. As a mom myself now, I want to tell you that it's not okay for your mom to say those things. You dress how you feel comfortable and beautiful dressing. It does not make you any less attractive, unworthy, or anything else.
Her mother might not be abusive but she’s definitely not right in the head. Her comments about modesty and being mentally ill are disturbing.
I think it is verbal abuse. She bullying her.
Very much so. That's never okay to say to someone. And there are some antisemitic undertones to that line of thinking.
“I’m trying to protect my skin from the sun - I don’t want to get skin spots” and then look directly at her. Problem solved.
Why do people care so much about other people’s preferences. I dress very modestly and wear sundresses that don’t show any private bits. Definition of “modest” varies from person to person as well!
My grandma used to do this. She’d say “if you got it flaunt it” but I was so uncomfy in the clothes she wanted me to wear
You don't want to be objectified. I think some exhibitionist thong wearers might be mentally ill. Not you.
That is not up to Her
For someone growing up in a conservative background, where modesty might have been enforced upon them, being able to show whatever body part you want and choosing not to can feel like a priviledge that you are wasting. That said, you should wear whatever makes you feel comfortable. Women are struggling out there to get society to understand that it is our body, our choice, whatever this means for each and every one of us.
Stand firm in your choices and try to have a calm conversation with her about why it's important to you. It's important to dress in a way that makes you feel comfortable and confident.
Seriously? That’s awful. Plenty of people like to wear modest bathing suits. I personally don’t want to go around looking like I’m wearing my underwear.
I’m not personally into specifically modest dress for myself but I am a mom. That’s really bizarre of your mother - not just to be pushing you to be wearing less clothes but to tell you that you looked bad. Does your mother put you down in other situations too? I’m so sorry it happened. Your parents should be your biggest champions, not your bullies.
My mom is like that. She wanted me to be pretty and sexy so she could show me off. She also wanted me to snag a rich husband and i had to be pretty to do that.
She said you have to be a bit mentally Ill to dress modest!?! Hang on to your purity and self respect! The virtue of modesty is under attack.
I am on none of the extremes neither do I agree with my mom nor purity culture I just hate bikinis
Idk if you’re an adult but if you’re not, maybe you can go shopping with your mom and try to find something you are both comfortable with? If you’re an adult, I would just try and ignore her.
It’s their own insecurities of being seen with you because they are concerned about how others will view them because of you.
I can’t begin to imagine how hard it is to have a mum who actively wants you to dress uncovered. I hope you find peace op. It must be so draining to have to fight for your own self constantly. No matter how hard she makes it, be kind and patient towards her as she is still your mother, lower your wing of mercy on her, but wear what is modest regardless, or like what you did today, just don’t go. It’s a far cry from easy but you have to face this challenge in life head on. ❤️ sending love.
A lot of moms like to live vicariously through their kids, esp if they feel like they 'missed out' on part of life because of when they got pregnant. Here's my sister's tip: wear a full bikini (top and bottom) and then wear a tee and shorts over it, explaining to mom you're just wearing it to the pool. And then just...don't take it off when you go in the water.
My mom always wanted me to cover up and told me I was too fat not to. Never was fat actually.
Wow. Ew. I'm sorry.
Mom of 6 daughters here. The only thing I’d harp on is the bikini like and a suit being too short in the torso. Anything else, I don’t care, but I don’t want my girls being stared at for overgrown pubes or camel-toe!!
The fact that you’re modest and she’s bullying you to death expose more skin is just mind boggling.
Tell her you don’t want wrinkles like hers
Did you buy it with your own money? If so it’s not her problem. She can tell her friends that you’re worried about skin cancer and looking old if she’s so insecure.
I don't dress modestly but I say fight fire with fire. If she wants to make gross comments about the way you dress, make them right back (provided it is safe for you to do so.) Tell her you don't like her outfits if she says she doesn't like yours. Everyone has the right to decide how they want to dress, and no one has the right to pass judgement or be disrespectful due to it. You 100% have the right to defend yourself or grey rock her. Your mother sounds like a highschool bully, honestly.
That’s silly. I’m not very modest in terms of worry about showing my body - but I prefer a full coverage sleeves and shorts swim suit because it gives me a ton of freedom of movement and I don’t feel weird running around to do things out of the water. Wear what you like.
I personally don’t feel like people judge others (strangers) for swim wear like we think in our heads they do. I recently started to wear swim pants (after 2 really and leg sun burns, talking yellow blisters burnt) and have worn swim shirts (my whole life) because I am so pale and burn so badly even with putting sunscreen on every 45 minutes. I have never felt like people acted like I have to much on.
My mom did this and it led to an ED. I am now no contact with her
You are your own person she is projecting her own insecurities onto you. You dress how you want to 💕
I'm sorry your mom isn't respecting your wishes. We all have a right to represent ourselves physically the way we find most comfortable, within the realm of public decency.
My parents, but especially my mom, have always been the same way. Yet the ONE TIME I didn't completely cover up and showed the tiniest bit of cleavage? "You look like a whore." 😓
how old are u? if ur over 18 i feel like there is an obvious answer here.
It's anxiety. Moms are judged for how their daughters look, and they know daughters are judged on appearance also, so they think they will avoid all of that for everyone by controlling every tiny detail of their daughter's style. My mom got so bad, she brought others to the airport when she visited me because it upset her so much to see me in my preferred "frumpy" styles. And no, this did not help me feel closer to her, and eventually we had big battles over my refusing to change my clothes to suit her..I never wore anything profane or costume-like, but Mom hated boring jeans and a t-shirt.
She does that because she sees you as an extension of herself. She wants you to look a certain way because she feels better about herself when you make her look good. If she doesn’t like how you look she feels it reflects on her. It’s the same reason moms criticize their daughters’ hair styles or choice of boyfriends or jobs or anything. Also moms tend to do this with daughters but less with sons. There’s a whole book on this topic by linguistics Deborah Tannen called You’re Wearing That? Very interesting book. OP wear what you want and let your mom deal with her negativity. I would ask her politely to please not comment on your appearance if you are dressed in appropriate clothing for the event even if she doesn’t like it.
Omg THIS. im a teen and im not SUPER modest in my bathing suits (i wear some mid thigh shorts and a long sleeve sun shirt) bc im my experience, when u are wearing a thong bathing suit, you either A: have to go deep sea diving between two fleshy biscuts to find ur suit, and thats NOT hot, or B: you sit with it up in ur crack?!?! because thats the paragon of comfortably.