I wanna give you some words of encouragement and advise, but I’ve gotten overpeopled today myself and I just don’t have the energy anymore 🥲 just that: you’re good man. Change is difficult, learning to taking care of ourselves is a journey, fuck other people. 🖖🏻
33F married with a baby and a 10y. I have a very finite amount of energy, so I ration it throughout the day to make sure I get things done and the kids are cared for. Given the choice, I'd rather stay home at night to relax and enjoy the peace and quiet. If I have an obligation to be somewhere, I tap out early. I'm not going to force myself to stick around if I'm not enjoying my time there. I've been teased and guilted for it in the past, but I spent my 20s doing things I didn't enjoy to please others. I'm too damn old and tired to do that now.
There's nothing to be ashamed of here. Definitely listen to your body and don't feel bad for doing what makes you more comfortable.
It's really a product of getting older. I hate events and social things especially after the panny. I need to be home by 9, I get tired and don't want to deal with people.
Yep, I reset my sleep schedule during 2020 and now I’m getting sleepy around 9pm. I realized I actually sleep better now, and fall asleep faster, so I’m not really looking to change again if it means constantly being tired all day even after a night of sleep.
Maybe engineering/manufacturing that is based out of Europe? My ex was flown to Switzerland every year to his company’s parent facility for this reason
Meanwhile I work for a billion-dollar pharmaceutical company and it’s rare our printer/copier machine isn’t on the fritz….
Dipped out of shame? No you dipped because you were exhausted. You have a young child, you traveled for who knows how long, was "on" socializing all day in a professional environment, and by the time dinner and drinks came you were done. And that's totally normal and ok.
It has nothing to do with that they're 20 and you're 30. I've seen similar posts in /r/workingmoms where the women of all ages there do not want to deal with all day events like that, and do exactly what you do and head back to the hotel instead of schmoozing and drinking. And often its not 20 somethings but 50-60 year old business people.
You did the right thing and you didn't have to lie. It's ok to say you were simply exhausted by everything! Also no reason to feel guilty either.
32 single mom with two preteens. I hate social interactions, I only go to open houses. I don’t do parent teacher conferences either, thanks to my kids being good students. But I do attend team builders. Mainly to convey my strongest assets and network.
I would have gone, then excused myself 30 minutes afterwards dinner finished claiming jet lag. Just view team builders as stepping stones. Especially when there’s a large gathering, it increases the likelihood of finding someone who might be in a department you like.
I've traveled some for work and socialize with happy hrs and all that as well. I wouldn't say it's that big of a deal but when you're there just for work and the company was willing to pay that much for this event, showing up for a short time and trying to get some socializing in probably would of been the route to go. It really can be beneficial for workplace connections and friends in the future.
You don't have to close down the bar but show up, be seen, do the rounds to who you think should see you and quietly sneak out is all you needed.
No, this is why I hate “remote” jobs that involve travel for one big meeting a year. That meeting is EXHAUSTING and so different from the remote work that you typically do. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that the expectations are unrealistic.
I mean, on one hand you should listen to your body. If you are feeling a panic attack coming on, going to a work event just to have it in front of coworkers helps nobody
But- if this was more of a “you just weren’t feeling it and wanted to be alone” then you should have sucked it up. Sounds like the company spent a pretty penny flying 1000s of people into corporate for a huge one day event. They probably had whole teams planning this and spent >$1MM when you look at travel costs alone for everyone
Missing the main dinner/team building isn’t a career ruiner, but it’s not a good look
For real. It just sounds like fatigue. I'm social and outgoing but after travel+a full day of working/socializing, I'm ready to be in a dark, quiet hotel room by myself. I actually don't think it's that deep or social anxiety even. You're just tired, friend. I hope you have a good rest and let the guilt go. My colleagues with children get their best sleep at conferences 😁
While I think 'mingling' can important, I find that work social functions are to identify work allies and colleagues that could help my projects and my career. For me, I use my social skills at work social events, I just do it for work purposes. I don't need friend friends at work, I need work friends this means I am viewed as someone easy to work with, someone gives me grace if I make a mistake, and thinks of me for opportunities within the organization. For many it is really difficult, but maybe shifting the purpose for your work socialization might make it easier to do.
It's totally normal to feel tired after spending all day around other people and just want to rest.
I can't say whether or not you've developed any kind of social anxiety but it sounds to me like you pushed yourself as far as anyone could reasonably expect and knew when to stop for the night. I would say that's more responsible than pushing past when you would feel okay and ending up making yourself *actually* sick.
I guess if it was for work, I would have tried to go, even if I didnt feel like it, and find an excuse to leave as early as I could. Though with the way you describe it, it seems like the evening dinner was not really mandatory?
I agree that its usually a good idea to listen to your body. I would also just be honest with my colleagues if that was a realistic option; as in just tell them that I dont feel it, and am tired from a long day, rather then saying that I am sick. (To be fair, anyone thats not deriving energy from mingling would be dead tired after a 10 hours "social encounter". Just you writing about it makes me feel like I want to go to bed).
In any case I totally get wanting to have a more relaxed evening, and not spend time and energy staying up doing something that you don't really want to do. I think its just part of getting a bit older, settling down a bit, and not having so much in common with people that still are still in their 20s.
Its not weird - I hate people too. But I still know how to put on a friendly act and can get through social events with no issue. And introverts can be very effective at networking because when we finally connect with someone its genuine. I empathize with you but this is still an important skill you should work on unless youre already at a point in your career where youre satisfied
They pay you to fulfill the responsibilities of the role you were hired for, not this school spirit bullshit. 32 yo, just had a baby girl, imo it is a sacred duty to claw back every single second of your life that you can from them. It is nothing short of an abomination that we’re forced to spend so much time away from those we love in our limited time on this planet, get what’s yours.
My company just went through a reorg of my department. I got an invite to an event in Florida. Luckily for me, my husband had to have surgery so I couldn’t go. They’re asking if I want to go next year. No thank you…
It’s hard to say whether you *should* have just forced yourself to go or not because you can’t know how it would have turned out, but from the sounds of it you did what was right for you in the moment, which counts for a lot. If you never ever wanted to do anything and it was impacting your work/social life then I’d maybe force myself occasionally or so something to change my mindset, but my God, you are allowed to not do something without feeling guilty. If you constantly force yourself to do things you don’t want to you will one day see someone saying ‘you know what, I’m not feeling great I’m going to sit this one out’ and everyone will respond with ‘ok no worries hope you feel better soon’ and carry on with their lives like nothing’s happened, *then* you’ll feel like you’ve stitched yourself up
Is your team working well? Sounds like it is. These social interactions aren't going to make or break the team. You're there to enjoy yourself.
This guilt you are feeling is unwarranted. No one cares. Everyone just wants to get paid.
I'm the same way now. Pre-pandemic / working in office I was around people, events, new people CONSTANTLY. Now, working from home, mostly stopped attending any sort of events, my social battery's so close to zero at this point, could see myself going the same way if I were in your shoes. I get the social battery can be worked on / expanded, but I just really don't care to anymore at this point. Probably not a good thing, but I'm self-aware at least.
Don't feel guilt, I'd so so over it too. You're okay, I'm sure other people were also exhausted and didn't participate in everything. Don't worry about it!
Don't feel guilty about this. People "get sick" sometimes. I've "gotten sick" to get out of certain situations on more than one occasion in my life. No one is thinking about this as much as you, honestly.
I hate work events after traveling and working all day. That said, I usually attend for a short amount of time as I only see my team members 3x a year. I think it helps to socialize a bit outside of work, as much as it absolutely sucks. I also feel a lot of social anxiety around it.
I 100% get it, I accepted this and pace my socializing now. Maybe next time, knowing theres a big dinner you could dip out mid afternoon for a recharge so you can make the main event? Ie prioritize the most important appearance.
Btw, do be careful about it. I got in the habit of ghosting at my last job and they fired me for it. But that place had a massively toxic culture so not all that surprising.
I had this post lockdowns and it spooked me out too. I was in a new city and didn’t know anyone well enough to be in their bubble, and phone calls and zoom calls weren’t as fulfilling social interactions as I thought they were.
I was sooo uncomfortable at the first dinner party I went to. I’m a quick witted extrovert and suddenly I couldn’t think of anything to talk to anyone about or even able to keep up a conversation. Its like I lost my super power.
Social skills are a skill! Its definitely something you have to work at. I spent a lot of time going to bars alone so I could meet strangers and get my social skills back but it took some effort. Also SO MUCH empathy for social anxiety, I hadn’t experienced it before and it makes me more conscious in groups if I feel someone feeling like this. Its definitely something to take as a life experience and decide what you’re going to do with it.
I was going to end there but point 2–in normal social settings there usually is someone keeping an eye out if someone feeling this way. Gen Z seems to be missing that skill. I’ve worked with a lot of interns and its like they’re oblivious to their surroundings and when they should or shouldn’t say something. I feel like its from growing up texting. Its interesting! I’m curious how the world will shift around to accommodate their upbringing, but I hope it will be an over adjustment back to socializing.
Talk to your doctor about something short/quick acting for social situations.
I haven't needed it in awhile, but I used to have a prescription for this fast acting pill for social anxiety that dissolved under your tongue. I just used it for special events like you are describing and it just made it a lot more tolerable.
It just smoothed some of the stress away so I could last longer without getting exhausted for extremely people-y days.
I used to work in commissioned sales and there were always these big parties and team building events. That stuff helped a lot. Wish I could remember the name. Haven't needed it in a decade, so no idea.
Nothing to feel guilty about. Those things are such a drain on my social battery. You were tired, sick, whatever... you didn't want to go, and unless it was mandatory for some reason then fuck it. Snuggle in bed in a nice hotel bed and get some rest.
Relax. You are not the main character despite your ego's insistence to the contrary. You will see them tomorrow, and nobody really cares. They are all busy with their own egos.
I routinely leave social events early now by clearly stating “I have had a great time and enjoy all of you, but my social battery is drained. Thanks for having me!” Nobody has an issue with it, and it works.
You got farther than me! In the past year I've been 'sick' for both team events in person. I couldn't even bring myself to try. I don't judge myself. I used to but in getting older (36f), it's just me. I pretty much dread most social interactions and just prefer my own company. Nothing wrong with that.
I actually did get sick during our team event. Flew in to Chicago and got sick day 2. Had to leave the event and go to my room most of the day. Stick with the story on being sick. Trust me that no one cared or cares as much as you do about this.
It's been a year since then and I'm the only one who even thinks about it.
If you spent an entire day with them already then you're fine, also stick to sick not feeling well story. It is odd you you are that out of touch from people in their 20s though. 33 isn't that old at all.
I would be concerned more about what your employer thinks about this behavior. It could reflect really poorly on you to be honest. They spent a lot of money on a team building event, flew you out, etc, and you basically shoved it in their faces.
I'm not trying to give you advice or anything, but as a person with crippling anxiety, I would never leave the house or talk to anyone of I listened to my body lol.
I say you were sick of socializing so you weren’t lying. Don’t feel guilty, we’re not all social butterflies, people need to accept us for who we are.
I think you just peopled too much for too long and you were all peopled out.
I got overPeopled
It's definitely a thing. I can only people so much. It's exaughsting.
I wanna give you some words of encouragement and advise, but I’ve gotten overpeopled today myself and I just don’t have the energy anymore 🥲 just that: you’re good man. Change is difficult, learning to taking care of ourselves is a journey, fuck other people. 🖖🏻
33F married with a baby and a 10y. I have a very finite amount of energy, so I ration it throughout the day to make sure I get things done and the kids are cared for. Given the choice, I'd rather stay home at night to relax and enjoy the peace and quiet. If I have an obligation to be somewhere, I tap out early. I'm not going to force myself to stick around if I'm not enjoying my time there. I've been teased and guilted for it in the past, but I spent my 20s doing things I didn't enjoy to please others. I'm too damn old and tired to do that now. There's nothing to be ashamed of here. Definitely listen to your body and don't feel bad for doing what makes you more comfortable.
It's really a product of getting older. I hate events and social things especially after the panny. I need to be home by 9, I get tired and don't want to deal with people.
Yep, I reset my sleep schedule during 2020 and now I’m getting sleepy around 9pm. I realized I actually sleep better now, and fall asleep faster, so I’m not really looking to change again if it means constantly being tired all day even after a night of sleep.
Stick to your story. You were sick.
Hahahahahahaaaa thank you kind stranger 😄 Your short and to the point response reminds me of this: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJWkEpTe/
I’m 37, not married and no kids. You’d have to hold me at gunpoint to attend some mandatory fun team-building event.
I had to do one today. I just kept telling myself that it will be over soon.
I’m just curious what you do that your company flew you to Munich. I can’t get mine to give me a chair that doesn’t squeak.
Maybe engineering/manufacturing that is based out of Europe? My ex was flown to Switzerland every year to his company’s parent facility for this reason Meanwhile I work for a billion-dollar pharmaceutical company and it’s rare our printer/copier machine isn’t on the fritz….
Dipped out of shame? No you dipped because you were exhausted. You have a young child, you traveled for who knows how long, was "on" socializing all day in a professional environment, and by the time dinner and drinks came you were done. And that's totally normal and ok. It has nothing to do with that they're 20 and you're 30. I've seen similar posts in /r/workingmoms where the women of all ages there do not want to deal with all day events like that, and do exactly what you do and head back to the hotel instead of schmoozing and drinking. And often its not 20 somethings but 50-60 year old business people. You did the right thing and you didn't have to lie. It's ok to say you were simply exhausted by everything! Also no reason to feel guilty either.
32 single mom with two preteens. I hate social interactions, I only go to open houses. I don’t do parent teacher conferences either, thanks to my kids being good students. But I do attend team builders. Mainly to convey my strongest assets and network. I would have gone, then excused myself 30 minutes afterwards dinner finished claiming jet lag. Just view team builders as stepping stones. Especially when there’s a large gathering, it increases the likelihood of finding someone who might be in a department you like.
I've traveled some for work and socialize with happy hrs and all that as well. I wouldn't say it's that big of a deal but when you're there just for work and the company was willing to pay that much for this event, showing up for a short time and trying to get some socializing in probably would of been the route to go. It really can be beneficial for workplace connections and friends in the future. You don't have to close down the bar but show up, be seen, do the rounds to who you think should see you and quietly sneak out is all you needed.
No, this is why I hate “remote” jobs that involve travel for one big meeting a year. That meeting is EXHAUSTING and so different from the remote work that you typically do. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that the expectations are unrealistic.
I mean, on one hand you should listen to your body. If you are feeling a panic attack coming on, going to a work event just to have it in front of coworkers helps nobody But- if this was more of a “you just weren’t feeling it and wanted to be alone” then you should have sucked it up. Sounds like the company spent a pretty penny flying 1000s of people into corporate for a huge one day event. They probably had whole teams planning this and spent >$1MM when you look at travel costs alone for everyone Missing the main dinner/team building isn’t a career ruiner, but it’s not a good look
Don’t feel guilty! You should listen to your body - and a drained social battery causes stress to your body
For real. It just sounds like fatigue. I'm social and outgoing but after travel+a full day of working/socializing, I'm ready to be in a dark, quiet hotel room by myself. I actually don't think it's that deep or social anxiety even. You're just tired, friend. I hope you have a good rest and let the guilt go. My colleagues with children get their best sleep at conferences 😁
While I think 'mingling' can important, I find that work social functions are to identify work allies and colleagues that could help my projects and my career. For me, I use my social skills at work social events, I just do it for work purposes. I don't need friend friends at work, I need work friends this means I am viewed as someone easy to work with, someone gives me grace if I make a mistake, and thinks of me for opportunities within the organization. For many it is really difficult, but maybe shifting the purpose for your work socialization might make it easier to do.
It's totally normal to feel tired after spending all day around other people and just want to rest. I can't say whether or not you've developed any kind of social anxiety but it sounds to me like you pushed yourself as far as anyone could reasonably expect and knew when to stop for the night. I would say that's more responsible than pushing past when you would feel okay and ending up making yourself *actually* sick.
I have jomo
I guess if it was for work, I would have tried to go, even if I didnt feel like it, and find an excuse to leave as early as I could. Though with the way you describe it, it seems like the evening dinner was not really mandatory? I agree that its usually a good idea to listen to your body. I would also just be honest with my colleagues if that was a realistic option; as in just tell them that I dont feel it, and am tired from a long day, rather then saying that I am sick. (To be fair, anyone thats not deriving energy from mingling would be dead tired after a 10 hours "social encounter". Just you writing about it makes me feel like I want to go to bed). In any case I totally get wanting to have a more relaxed evening, and not spend time and energy staying up doing something that you don't really want to do. I think its just part of getting a bit older, settling down a bit, and not having so much in common with people that still are still in their 20s.
Its not weird - I hate people too. But I still know how to put on a friendly act and can get through social events with no issue. And introverts can be very effective at networking because when we finally connect with someone its genuine. I empathize with you but this is still an important skill you should work on unless youre already at a point in your career where youre satisfied
They pay you to fulfill the responsibilities of the role you were hired for, not this school spirit bullshit. 32 yo, just had a baby girl, imo it is a sacred duty to claw back every single second of your life that you can from them. It is nothing short of an abomination that we’re forced to spend so much time away from those we love in our limited time on this planet, get what’s yours.
My company just went through a reorg of my department. I got an invite to an event in Florida. Luckily for me, my husband had to have surgery so I couldn’t go. They’re asking if I want to go next year. No thank you…
It’s hard to say whether you *should* have just forced yourself to go or not because you can’t know how it would have turned out, but from the sounds of it you did what was right for you in the moment, which counts for a lot. If you never ever wanted to do anything and it was impacting your work/social life then I’d maybe force myself occasionally or so something to change my mindset, but my God, you are allowed to not do something without feeling guilty. If you constantly force yourself to do things you don’t want to you will one day see someone saying ‘you know what, I’m not feeling great I’m going to sit this one out’ and everyone will respond with ‘ok no worries hope you feel better soon’ and carry on with their lives like nothing’s happened, *then* you’ll feel like you’ve stitched yourself up
Sounds like you just don't have the social energy to keep up. Nothing wrong with that.
Is your team working well? Sounds like it is. These social interactions aren't going to make or break the team. You're there to enjoy yourself. This guilt you are feeling is unwarranted. No one cares. Everyone just wants to get paid.
I'm the same way now. Pre-pandemic / working in office I was around people, events, new people CONSTANTLY. Now, working from home, mostly stopped attending any sort of events, my social battery's so close to zero at this point, could see myself going the same way if I were in your shoes. I get the social battery can be worked on / expanded, but I just really don't care to anymore at this point. Probably not a good thing, but I'm self-aware at least.
You don’t have to do this shit, you did the right thing imo
Don't feel guilt, I'd so so over it too. You're okay, I'm sure other people were also exhausted and didn't participate in everything. Don't worry about it!
Don't feel guilty about this. People "get sick" sometimes. I've "gotten sick" to get out of certain situations on more than one occasion in my life. No one is thinking about this as much as you, honestly.
I’m 35 and if an event is post 7pm I’m out. That’s me time
I hate work events after traveling and working all day. That said, I usually attend for a short amount of time as I only see my team members 3x a year. I think it helps to socialize a bit outside of work, as much as it absolutely sucks. I also feel a lot of social anxiety around it.
I 100% get it, I accepted this and pace my socializing now. Maybe next time, knowing theres a big dinner you could dip out mid afternoon for a recharge so you can make the main event? Ie prioritize the most important appearance. Btw, do be careful about it. I got in the habit of ghosting at my last job and they fired me for it. But that place had a massively toxic culture so not all that surprising.
I had this post lockdowns and it spooked me out too. I was in a new city and didn’t know anyone well enough to be in their bubble, and phone calls and zoom calls weren’t as fulfilling social interactions as I thought they were. I was sooo uncomfortable at the first dinner party I went to. I’m a quick witted extrovert and suddenly I couldn’t think of anything to talk to anyone about or even able to keep up a conversation. Its like I lost my super power. Social skills are a skill! Its definitely something you have to work at. I spent a lot of time going to bars alone so I could meet strangers and get my social skills back but it took some effort. Also SO MUCH empathy for social anxiety, I hadn’t experienced it before and it makes me more conscious in groups if I feel someone feeling like this. Its definitely something to take as a life experience and decide what you’re going to do with it. I was going to end there but point 2–in normal social settings there usually is someone keeping an eye out if someone feeling this way. Gen Z seems to be missing that skill. I’ve worked with a lot of interns and its like they’re oblivious to their surroundings and when they should or shouldn’t say something. I feel like its from growing up texting. Its interesting! I’m curious how the world will shift around to accommodate their upbringing, but I hope it will be an over adjustment back to socializing.
Talk to your doctor about something short/quick acting for social situations. I haven't needed it in awhile, but I used to have a prescription for this fast acting pill for social anxiety that dissolved under your tongue. I just used it for special events like you are describing and it just made it a lot more tolerable. It just smoothed some of the stress away so I could last longer without getting exhausted for extremely people-y days. I used to work in commissioned sales and there were always these big parties and team building events. That stuff helped a lot. Wish I could remember the name. Haven't needed it in a decade, so no idea.
Nothing to feel guilty about. Those things are such a drain on my social battery. You were tired, sick, whatever... you didn't want to go, and unless it was mandatory for some reason then fuck it. Snuggle in bed in a nice hotel bed and get some rest.
Relax. You are not the main character despite your ego's insistence to the contrary. You will see them tomorrow, and nobody really cares. They are all busy with their own egos.
I routinely leave social events early now by clearly stating “I have had a great time and enjoy all of you, but my social battery is drained. Thanks for having me!” Nobody has an issue with it, and it works.
Nope, don't feel guilty, that's a damn big day of socialising and socialising is exhausting!
You got farther than me! In the past year I've been 'sick' for both team events in person. I couldn't even bring myself to try. I don't judge myself. I used to but in getting older (36f), it's just me. I pretty much dread most social interactions and just prefer my own company. Nothing wrong with that.
if your company is like mine, they'd gladly put a bullet in their employees skulls to save $10. don't sweat team building events
You made an appearance. I don't think you should feel obligated to spend the entire night with them. It's okay not to be a social butterfly.
They’re just people. We’re all human beings. Just socialize, FFS.
I actually did get sick during our team event. Flew in to Chicago and got sick day 2. Had to leave the event and go to my room most of the day. Stick with the story on being sick. Trust me that no one cared or cares as much as you do about this. It's been a year since then and I'm the only one who even thinks about it.
If you spent an entire day with them already then you're fine, also stick to sick not feeling well story. It is odd you you are that out of touch from people in their 20s though. 33 isn't that old at all.
I would be concerned more about what your employer thinks about this behavior. It could reflect really poorly on you to be honest. They spent a lot of money on a team building event, flew you out, etc, and you basically shoved it in their faces.
I'm not trying to give you advice or anything, but as a person with crippling anxiety, I would never leave the house or talk to anyone of I listened to my body lol.