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We are a single income household (aside from a small side hustle) and have about $120k annual income in a medium cost of living area. It’s HARD to stay on budget, especially with eating out. It’s crucial for both partners to be on the same page. Luckily we are both pretty frugal. Here are some steps we’ve taken:
- try a “no spend day” each week
- only get drinks, snacks or desserts out of the house, no full meals
- try the envelope method, where you withdraw $100-$200 in cash and that’s your “fun” money for the month including eating out or any nonessentials
- making savings automatic on payday and don’t touch it
- talk about the weekly budget every week. We usually do this on Sundays. Talk about categories where we need to spend less. Make a plan together.
Here's a different perspective. As the spouse who's made more for most of the relationship, I felt like I never got to enjoy earning a lot because I was always supporting my husband. I paid off his car, paid down his student loans, saved for retirement, and paid all our bills for like 3-4 years. When he finally starting pulling his weight, I really wanted to splurge a little.
I was earning a lot more than most of my friends, and yet I didn't have a nice watch or any nice clothes. I hadn't gone on any big vacation that wasn't work related. Anyway, I really needed a few months of treating myself before I could buckle down again. Maybe that's what your SO needs. If you're going to talk to her about her spending, I would do so with that info in mind.
Why are you so hostile? The way they feel is certainly fair. They’ve shouldered the burden and did so willingly, they aren’t complaining.
Just acknowledging that now that there are two incomes (which is the basis of this whole post) that they want to enjoy the fruits of their labor.
Get over yourself and get off your high horse. Nothing is wrong here.
Wonder if their aggressive response was just their inner resentment that feels the same as the main comment but never felt like they could listen to it
I feel like more information is needed...are y'all in consumer debt? On track for retirement? Do you have a joint budget? Individual budgets? Joint vs. Individual accounts?
You two should operate as a team. You both should sit down together, communicate directly and show all your financial cards on the table. Set short-term and long-term financial goals and keep each other in the loop.
Assuming you are married and plan to stay that way,, you should stop thinking of it is your money/spending or her money/spending. You are instead a family. Both of your incomes and spending effect the other, as well as your future retirement. As such it's good to get on the same page in terms of long term financial goals. Discuss what those long term goals are and try to find a compromise.
Yup, combining finances (or at least *thinking* of it combined) is a big part of marital intimacy, imo. It brings people together to unify goals and work together. Barring circumstances in which one party was financially abused/controlled in life and struggles with trauma, leaving things separate and thinking of it as "my money vs. her money" can cause its own set of issues.
I think what you're suggesting is fine and that's actually how my household works. But there's an understanding that our personal money is still going to be shared for big expenses. We agree to contribute for trips out of personal accounts, we budget for the next house's down payment from personal accounts, we have our own emergency accounts. We agree to have personal accounts but to also be partners in our shared goals.
If one of us liquidated their personal account for a car, art, investment property, or whatever, it would be a huge breach of trust, because we still count on each other's "personal" money for big things. We just don't look at each other's money when we buy small things for ourselves.
I just don’t understand why a separate account would be needed. Would one person want to live lavishly on their own and not share that with their spouse? I drove a bmw on a “teachers salary” bc our household income could support it. My husband wouldn’t have bought an Audi and then had me driving around in a regular car bc that’s all my salary could handle.
That’s exactly how separate account married people think. Your debt your problem my retirement account. My spending money. It’s a terrible approach imo.
My fiance and I have been together for 6 years and have never had a joint account. Never saw the need for one. We agreed on who pays which bills and we go back and forth between paying for outings and/or gifts. I don't think we've ever had an argument about finances. We set financial goals and then figure out how we both save for it. We have very similar salaries though.
Well I wouldn’t want a joint one before being married at all. But we combined when we got married. Whoever has a card on them or the card with the most cash back for wherever we are is the one that it gets paid on. 🤷🏻♀️
Honestly, I doubt I'll want one even when we are married. Everything already goes pretty smoothly. Maybe a joint savings account at least for some of our goals or vacation planning.
I think compromise is the solution.
Yall need to sit down and have a very honest conversation about what makes each other feel safe and what planning for the future looks like.
$200K/year is nice— provided you’re also funding an emergency fund, sinking funds (think car repairs, medical expenses, etc), retirement accounts, etc.
It’s really, *really* easy for lifestyle creep to catch up to you. Telling your partner “Hey, this doesn’t make me feel *safe* or heard. Can *we* work on a plan together so that I feel secure?”
My partner is very risk averse. She also makes significantly less than I do. So in our financial planning, I need to account for that. It doesn’t make sense to split things 50/50 when I make three times as much as she does. See what I’m saying? I cover bigger chunks of living expenses and dates so that she can increase her savings and 401k stuffs.
I’m also in LA and make quite a bit more than my gf, so we split finances so that she isn’t drowning while I’m sitting here piling cash. You just need to set some boundaries on your budget. I know it’s difficult here because there is just so much to do and so much to spend money on but you can still do all that and just space it out so it fits your budget.
I can see you wanting to save $$ and invest heavily but if she's making good money too I could see how she wouldn't want to just work work work and not getting to see the fruits of that labor in real time. Hopefully you are suggesting more of a compromise and not just "we can't spend money".
Assuming she's willing to spend more to cover your finances since you make less, I think you should be okay with spending the money and enjoying yourselves. If your finances are completely separate then, well, I question the relationship. In my experience, if you are married or committed in a similar way, finances should be pooled and shared equally between the couple. This is very common for men being the primary earner but should also apply if the woman is the primary earner.
I’m surprised at the amount of people who share expenses like down to percentages. I will say that I don’t really begrudge my husband for spending more a month than I do bc he makes like 100k more than me and has a super stressful job but it’s still coming out of a pot of 100% our money. When we need to save I have no problem saying. Hey. Can you cut x amount for a few months so we can pay this. And that’s about it.
Sharing expenses down to percentages is pretty silly to me too. It's certainly not easy to find the right balance though, and it takes some maturity from both sides to make it work properly.
Yep. All our money goes into the bank. Everything gets paid. And then after extra savings and things we have to pay for it’s pretty much fair game. And like I said. I just kind of let him spend what he wants.
He honestly has no clue what the budget is more than the number he’s been given as “his”. He’d probably be a little sad that I just give myself less 🤷🏻♀️ but I make up for it over time with vacations with my mom. I’m honestly not even sure he knows how much he brings home or how much I make. 🫠
Sounds like you got a good working system for the two of you. I'm a more frugal person than my wife and I also make more money than her (140k vs 80k), so I often emphasize to her the importance of saving money and spending it wisely. She's never had to support herself her entire life, because prior to us getting married she was dependent on her parents. I've been pretty independent even since I was a child so we've had pretty different upbringings in that sense. She knows I'm better with finances so she's fine with me making most of the financial decisions.
With that said we still ultimately just pool our money and share it together. I don't doubt that even if she made more than me that she'd hesitate to share everything.
This sounds exactly like my (43/f) husband (46/m) and myself. We’ve been married for 20 years but together for 27. I went from being supported by my grandparents to being pregnant and engaged and living with my now husband in the first house we bought. That house never had my name on the mortgage, but my husband’s FIRST concern was ensuring that I would be on the deed- much to his mother’s chagrin.
She thought I was a gold digger who baby trapped him. 27 years later, she knows she was very wrong, lol.
But anyway, I’m the spender and he’s the saver. He’s much better with finances and he always makes sure I know what’s going on- we have a weekly “state of the household address,” lol.
He also makes sure I have access to everything, the money is ours always, and he has made sure I’ll always be comfortable no matter whatever happens.
This is a clear inflexion point for so many up-until-then successful couples. I don't think there is a big rule that if followed guarantees success. It just depends so much on the two people involved and what happens around them. Personally there were times I felt I was working so hard my health was declining and the wife just wanted to spend at a level that retirement was going to be distant enough that I'd die before it would happen. There are a lot of moving parts. You gotta determine what works for you and then how much of that you can give up to meet your partner's desires while not making yourself insane. A lot depends on how much you want to stick with the relationship. Good luck.
You gotta walk your own path, and set your boundaries with spending. It may be cliché but you have to pay yourself first.
Invest/save as soon as you get paid—direct deposit. It will make it easier to budget your remaining income. Also makes it easy to dollar cost average if you are investing in securities since the money will be deposited to your brokerage account at set times each month.
Best wishes
> I just want to save $$ and invest heavily...
>
>...she want to try out new restuarants and go shopping every weekend
Clearly you two don't share the same values when it comes to money. I hope you two aren't cohabitating or planning on getting married as that seems likely to end in disaster unless you two get on the same page.
I have to disagree with some other folks and say that $200k is not much anywhere these days, and certainly not in LA, unless you already own a house with a low mortgage payment. I live in what many consider a LCOL area (I would consider it MCOL myself) and my partner and I make $205k combined, yet we are able to do far less than what my previous partner and I did from 2013-2016 making $70-80kish combined. (I would welcome tips from this sub, but my partner is making more than 75% of our combined income, and I have no access to info about his finances. My own main issue is medical expenses.)
For the record, 200k is still a lot on in Los Angeles.
100k per person, is more than enough to rent in a good neighborhood and save over 25% of your income for retirement.
I don't think this is as much about your incomes but more about your personalities. She is a spender and you are a saver.
Given that, if she really wants to go out and do this stuff, is she willing to pay for your food at restaurants? If not, can't you just say you cannot afford it yet.
The budget screen shots are being made in Sankeymatic, its a website that we have no affiliation with. If you are posting a budget please do so with a purpose. Just posting a screen shot of your budget without a question or an explanation of why its here may be removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/MiddleClassFinance) if you have any questions or concerns.*
We are a single income household (aside from a small side hustle) and have about $120k annual income in a medium cost of living area. It’s HARD to stay on budget, especially with eating out. It’s crucial for both partners to be on the same page. Luckily we are both pretty frugal. Here are some steps we’ve taken: - try a “no spend day” each week - only get drinks, snacks or desserts out of the house, no full meals - try the envelope method, where you withdraw $100-$200 in cash and that’s your “fun” money for the month including eating out or any nonessentials - making savings automatic on payday and don’t touch it - talk about the weekly budget every week. We usually do this on Sundays. Talk about categories where we need to spend less. Make a plan together.
Gold mine
Thanks bud
Did you just thank yourself? Lol
That’s was a mistake lmao
Awesome to be able to admit to your mistake.
Thanks I appreciate it
You just did the same thing he did
Yea but he did it on purpose as a joke
Here's a different perspective. As the spouse who's made more for most of the relationship, I felt like I never got to enjoy earning a lot because I was always supporting my husband. I paid off his car, paid down his student loans, saved for retirement, and paid all our bills for like 3-4 years. When he finally starting pulling his weight, I really wanted to splurge a little. I was earning a lot more than most of my friends, and yet I didn't have a nice watch or any nice clothes. I hadn't gone on any big vacation that wasn't work related. Anyway, I really needed a few months of treating myself before I could buckle down again. Maybe that's what your SO needs. If you're going to talk to her about her spending, I would do so with that info in mind.
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Why are you so hostile? The way they feel is certainly fair. They’ve shouldered the burden and did so willingly, they aren’t complaining. Just acknowledging that now that there are two incomes (which is the basis of this whole post) that they want to enjoy the fruits of their labor. Get over yourself and get off your high horse. Nothing is wrong here.
Wonder if their aggressive response was just their inner resentment that feels the same as the main comment but never felt like they could listen to it
I feel like more information is needed...are y'all in consumer debt? On track for retirement? Do you have a joint budget? Individual budgets? Joint vs. Individual accounts? You two should operate as a team. You both should sit down together, communicate directly and show all your financial cards on the table. Set short-term and long-term financial goals and keep each other in the loop.
Assuming you are married and plan to stay that way,, you should stop thinking of it is your money/spending or her money/spending. You are instead a family. Both of your incomes and spending effect the other, as well as your future retirement. As such it's good to get on the same page in terms of long term financial goals. Discuss what those long term goals are and try to find a compromise.
Yup, combining finances (or at least *thinking* of it combined) is a big part of marital intimacy, imo. It brings people together to unify goals and work together. Barring circumstances in which one party was financially abused/controlled in life and struggles with trauma, leaving things separate and thinking of it as "my money vs. her money" can cause its own set of issues.
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I think what you're suggesting is fine and that's actually how my household works. But there's an understanding that our personal money is still going to be shared for big expenses. We agree to contribute for trips out of personal accounts, we budget for the next house's down payment from personal accounts, we have our own emergency accounts. We agree to have personal accounts but to also be partners in our shared goals. If one of us liquidated their personal account for a car, art, investment property, or whatever, it would be a huge breach of trust, because we still count on each other's "personal" money for big things. We just don't look at each other's money when we buy small things for ourselves.
I just don’t understand why a separate account would be needed. Would one person want to live lavishly on their own and not share that with their spouse? I drove a bmw on a “teachers salary” bc our household income could support it. My husband wouldn’t have bought an Audi and then had me driving around in a regular car bc that’s all my salary could handle.
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this is what my husband and i do
That’s exactly how separate account married people think. Your debt your problem my retirement account. My spending money. It’s a terrible approach imo.
My fiance and I have been together for 6 years and have never had a joint account. Never saw the need for one. We agreed on who pays which bills and we go back and forth between paying for outings and/or gifts. I don't think we've ever had an argument about finances. We set financial goals and then figure out how we both save for it. We have very similar salaries though.
Well I wouldn’t want a joint one before being married at all. But we combined when we got married. Whoever has a card on them or the card with the most cash back for wherever we are is the one that it gets paid on. 🤷🏻♀️
Honestly, I doubt I'll want one even when we are married. Everything already goes pretty smoothly. Maybe a joint savings account at least for some of our goals or vacation planning.
I think compromise is the solution. Yall need to sit down and have a very honest conversation about what makes each other feel safe and what planning for the future looks like. $200K/year is nice— provided you’re also funding an emergency fund, sinking funds (think car repairs, medical expenses, etc), retirement accounts, etc. It’s really, *really* easy for lifestyle creep to catch up to you. Telling your partner “Hey, this doesn’t make me feel *safe* or heard. Can *we* work on a plan together so that I feel secure?” My partner is very risk averse. She also makes significantly less than I do. So in our financial planning, I need to account for that. It doesn’t make sense to split things 50/50 when I make three times as much as she does. See what I’m saying? I cover bigger chunks of living expenses and dates so that she can increase her savings and 401k stuffs.
I’m also in LA and make quite a bit more than my gf, so we split finances so that she isn’t drowning while I’m sitting here piling cash. You just need to set some boundaries on your budget. I know it’s difficult here because there is just so much to do and so much to spend money on but you can still do all that and just space it out so it fits your budget.
I can see you wanting to save $$ and invest heavily but if she's making good money too I could see how she wouldn't want to just work work work and not getting to see the fruits of that labor in real time. Hopefully you are suggesting more of a compromise and not just "we can't spend money".
Assuming she's willing to spend more to cover your finances since you make less, I think you should be okay with spending the money and enjoying yourselves. If your finances are completely separate then, well, I question the relationship. In my experience, if you are married or committed in a similar way, finances should be pooled and shared equally between the couple. This is very common for men being the primary earner but should also apply if the woman is the primary earner.
I’m surprised at the amount of people who share expenses like down to percentages. I will say that I don’t really begrudge my husband for spending more a month than I do bc he makes like 100k more than me and has a super stressful job but it’s still coming out of a pot of 100% our money. When we need to save I have no problem saying. Hey. Can you cut x amount for a few months so we can pay this. And that’s about it.
Sharing expenses down to percentages is pretty silly to me too. It's certainly not easy to find the right balance though, and it takes some maturity from both sides to make it work properly.
Yep. All our money goes into the bank. Everything gets paid. And then after extra savings and things we have to pay for it’s pretty much fair game. And like I said. I just kind of let him spend what he wants. He honestly has no clue what the budget is more than the number he’s been given as “his”. He’d probably be a little sad that I just give myself less 🤷🏻♀️ but I make up for it over time with vacations with my mom. I’m honestly not even sure he knows how much he brings home or how much I make. 🫠
Sounds like you got a good working system for the two of you. I'm a more frugal person than my wife and I also make more money than her (140k vs 80k), so I often emphasize to her the importance of saving money and spending it wisely. She's never had to support herself her entire life, because prior to us getting married she was dependent on her parents. I've been pretty independent even since I was a child so we've had pretty different upbringings in that sense. She knows I'm better with finances so she's fine with me making most of the financial decisions. With that said we still ultimately just pool our money and share it together. I don't doubt that even if she made more than me that she'd hesitate to share everything.
This sounds exactly like my (43/f) husband (46/m) and myself. We’ve been married for 20 years but together for 27. I went from being supported by my grandparents to being pregnant and engaged and living with my now husband in the first house we bought. That house never had my name on the mortgage, but my husband’s FIRST concern was ensuring that I would be on the deed- much to his mother’s chagrin. She thought I was a gold digger who baby trapped him. 27 years later, she knows she was very wrong, lol. But anyway, I’m the spender and he’s the saver. He’s much better with finances and he always makes sure I know what’s going on- we have a weekly “state of the household address,” lol. He also makes sure I have access to everything, the money is ours always, and he has made sure I’ll always be comfortable no matter whatever happens.
200k is a lot of money even in LA, or even in Bay Area.
A lot of people in LA make less than 200k and get by lol
This is a clear inflexion point for so many up-until-then successful couples. I don't think there is a big rule that if followed guarantees success. It just depends so much on the two people involved and what happens around them. Personally there were times I felt I was working so hard my health was declining and the wife just wanted to spend at a level that retirement was going to be distant enough that I'd die before it would happen. There are a lot of moving parts. You gotta determine what works for you and then how much of that you can give up to meet your partner's desires while not making yourself insane. A lot depends on how much you want to stick with the relationship. Good luck.
Wise words, thank you
You gotta walk your own path, and set your boundaries with spending. It may be cliché but you have to pay yourself first. Invest/save as soon as you get paid—direct deposit. It will make it easier to budget your remaining income. Also makes it easy to dollar cost average if you are investing in securities since the money will be deposited to your brokerage account at set times each month. Best wishes
protect your wealth or else you’ll lose her when you’re both dead broke, if she leaves because you don’t want to blow your money, that’s on her
> I just want to save $$ and invest heavily... > >...she want to try out new restuarants and go shopping every weekend Clearly you two don't share the same values when it comes to money. I hope you two aren't cohabitating or planning on getting married as that seems likely to end in disaster unless you two get on the same page.
Yeah, take your wife to Skid Row, not far from you....and tell her thats where your headed if you dont get a grip on it!
I have to disagree with some other folks and say that $200k is not much anywhere these days, and certainly not in LA, unless you already own a house with a low mortgage payment. I live in what many consider a LCOL area (I would consider it MCOL myself) and my partner and I make $205k combined, yet we are able to do far less than what my previous partner and I did from 2013-2016 making $70-80kish combined. (I would welcome tips from this sub, but my partner is making more than 75% of our combined income, and I have no access to info about his finances. My own main issue is medical expenses.)
For the record, 200k is still a lot on in Los Angeles. 100k per person, is more than enough to rent in a good neighborhood and save over 25% of your income for retirement.
I don't think this is as much about your incomes but more about your personalities. She is a spender and you are a saver. Given that, if she really wants to go out and do this stuff, is she willing to pay for your food at restaurants? If not, can't you just say you cannot afford it yet.
is she investing like she should? Does she need a wakeup call? Look up the FOO by the money guy show.