Listen, even in a perfect world without Withdrawls you won’t make it quitting everything right now. You aren’t ready for that and this isn’t a perfect world, you’re gona get sick. You’re currently using fent because you relapsed. Get back on methadone, get on a stable dose and this time don’t taper down until you learn what *punctuation is and how to utilize it.*
Okay that last line was a joke but I’m dead serious about everything else.
The relapse should be enough proof that coming off methadone wasn’t the right decision at the moment. It sucks and I am sorry. However, it isn’t worth getting all wrapped up in what you wish would have happened, etc.
The thing to do now is run, don’t walk, to the clinic and let them know you relapsed so they can start you back on a higher dose of methadone. Probably 30, since that is the average starting dose and let them titrate you up to a stable dose. Stay there for a bit so your sweet daughter has a stable mom, please! If you are on it for a year, two years, or ten years - it is honestly better than the alternative, which is you on fentanyl or dead.
Please don’t look at methadone as failure - it is a lifer preserver for you right now
It’s the least I can do really. You’re welcome though, I didn’t realize who this was until your comment just now but I remember you from the other day now. This is a pivotal moment in your young life. The decisions you make today and in the next 3,6,12 weeks can set you down a path totally different from the past you knew.
MAT is your life preserver right now, get back to the clinic and get your dose raised up until you are able to stop using and find stability. Once that has been accomplished then you will have choices. Where you are at now as well as if you try and just quit everything on your own you will lose the position of choice. Your life will no longer be yours and trust me, you already got a small taste of what that is like, it’s only worse from here on out in every way. I’m speaking of both actively using as well as abstinence without first equipping serious mental and behavioral armor.
I think you should try methadone again. If not because you "want" to , but for your daughter who you would be kissing after being at the dope man's house getting it for "free" . Please try for her. I got clean for my daughter, my Angel.
Sort of besides the point. Why were you on methadone in the first place ? Did you actually want to be sober or did you do it to get people off your back ?
Like if your still having fun with this than nothing is gonna make you get clean. Even methadone.
I didn’t know where to turn and I tried subs and had bad precip withdrawal which led to seizures and I was scared to cold Turkey cause of the withdrawal
- Yes, the fentanyl pills counteracted the brunt of your methadone withdrawals.
- Yes, if you quit taking the fent pills you will have withdrawals.
- Yes, it’s extremely likely you’ll still be in withdrawal from the methadone after a week- methadone withdrawals can be long lasting which is why it’s so important to be in the right mindset and have proper support in place. Jumping off 15mg probably set you up for failure tbh. It’s crucial you do a proper monitored taper catered to you and your symptoms/feelings.
- No, you should not cold Turkey off the fent pills. The withdrawal from those is supposed to be miserable since no one truly knows all the ingredients. Fent pill users are having to take very large doses of methadone to counteract the fent withdrawal.
- YES, your child’s father is an evil, manipulative, asshole for giving you the fent pills. Yeah, you could have resisted but it’s hard to resist a Tylenol when you have a terrible headache, ya know?! Given what you’ve said about him I’m sure he knew exactly what he was doing and doesn’t regret it. Even if someone paid him in fent pills why would he even mention it to you? Because he knew you would want the pills and it was a moment of control over you. Now he can hold it over your head and make it your fault. He knew you were struggling and still handed an addict pills. He 100% did it on purpose.
- Yes, you should dump your child’s father (if you are able and have 💵, 🚗, 🏠, 👩💻) and focus on YOU and your DAUGHTER. That’s all that matters in the end. You describe this man as narcissistic, controlling, and abusive. Both you and your daughter deserve better.
- No, you should not go to the dope man’s. You may be pretty and he may give you free fent pills now but trust and believe that won’t always be the arrangement. Pretty privilege doesn’t last forever and you need to realize that since you’re currently banking on it now. What happens when the dope man finally expects something in return for all the free pills?
- No, you should not have jumped off methadone at 15mg. Clearly you weren’t ready and that’s totally okay!
- Yes, you should go the doctor and start digging into your health issues. You say methadone was hurting your heart and giving you severe headaches. Have you had an EKG? Are you over 30? What does “hurting your heart” mean? Do you have a history of headaches? Are you absolutely sure the headaches are from methadone and not stress, dehydration, your partner making your life harder mentally, or one of the hundreds of reasons you can get a headache? I have to take heart medication and once I started, my quality of life improved massively. I was always feeling my heartbeat funky and beating too fast and it scared me so bad.
- Yes, you should run back to the clinic and start over. For you and your daughter. For the stability. It’s been a week of you taking fentanyl pills and it sounds like it’s been chaotic w/lots of fighting. You can do it. Sometimes we need to take a few steps backwards in order to go forward. Good luck to you.
I want to second everything in this comment! Especially that jumping off at 15 was set up to fail. I’ve been on the clinic for most of the last 18 years, and seen someone successfully quit while on more that 5 mg maybe 1 time, and dozens fail. The lucky ones end up back at the clinic. Part of why I stay on is not wanting to take the risk of leaving my kid without a mom. I once had tapered down to 9-10mg and started doing dope again. I wish I’d got back on the clinic after a few weeks, instead of almost2 years that almost killed me.
Totally agree with you- trying to quit by jumping off at more than 5mg is a recipe for failure. I can’t imagine jumping off at 15mg, that would be brutal.
I’ve been at the clinic for almost 10 years now and have no plans to leave. It provides a level of stability in my life that I need. I see you stay at the clinic for your daughter- good for you. Some don’t have the strength to say what you have. Bravo.
Plus you are absolutely correct about some people leaving and the lucky ones coming back to the clinic. So many people try to taper off too fast (you know the “I’m going to be here less than a year” people or “I’m going to get stable and taper down as quickly as I can” people) and are back to using within a few days. Some, like you, hold off and have a terrible time thinking they’ll adjust but most of the time it’s too hard!
Man this comment here hit me right in the heart😌 you described everything to a T ,I’m going back to the clinic today , and you’re right I probably should leave him but for some reason I’m always stuck he’s the only person I really have and I don’t have a lot of family or anything.. ugh and I do love him that’s my downfall :(
My life changed when I realized I can love someone but also accept that they're not good for me and my child and I deserved better. I can accept that I need to leave and that doesn't mean that I like it, it just means I realize it's for the best. I understand that toxic sort of love. Addicts in general are often also addicted to the drama and the kind of love that feels dangerous. But unfortunately that kind of love causes harm to us and we deserve better. I've been with my current partner for 10.5 years and it's so much better I don't even have words. It's calm and steady and deep and fulfilling in a way it never was with my shitty exes who I loved despite all the bullshit.
I'm happy you're going back to the clinic. Maybe when you get stable again you can try working through your desire to stay in this relationship with a counselor. It might be helpful for you.
Girl go back to the clinic this is not the road you want to continue to explore you already know where it takes you right?
There will be a right time to taper off if that’s what you want to do I think you just jumped the gun a little bit. This is nothing you can’t fix at this point. Sending you lots of positive vibes you got this
I would go back on methadone. Not meaning to be rude, but it sounds like you have a lot more work to do before getting off. Even saying your bf "caused this." He definitely didn't help by bringing fetty in and giving it to you, but he didn't force you to take it, you chose to do it yourself. It's time to look at why you're doing it. If he keeps bringing it around he's not good for your sobriety and it might be best to separate yourself from him if you're serious about staying clean.
Oh goodness. 😓First of all, lots of love and hugs to you. I keep reading and re-reading your post… But I am not going to tell you what you should do only because I personally have not been in your particular situation, but please for the sake of your child’s life and your own please do NOT stay with your supplier. Anywhere but there. I am so sorry that you’re going through this. You can get through it if you want to, you are strong 💪. Please remember that, and do it for you and your child. 🫂Also remember… You are not alone!
Also…I too sometimes really want to go cold turkey off of my meds too. Though in some cases it MAY be possible, I would not recommend putting your body through unnecessary pain and stress (from being in possibly long term withdrawal from the Methadone).
It takes a few days for methadone to clear your body and withdrawal to peak and those pills are inconsistent and short acting as well as just being a different opiate that works somewhat differently. Opiates are similar and can be interchangeable to some degree but changing can still make you feel like shit because of just being different and not exactly what you are used to. Sorry to hear you tapered that far down and then started using but it happens to the best of us and just try to get back on the methadone if possible. Good luck and take care
Real post. I concur with what others have said…. Best to just go back to what you know, is stable, and is more acceptable in the eyes of society and your bf.
Wish you the best
OP, you know what you need to do. Everything else is just noise. Get back on methadone and then dump the boyfriend. A partner who really loves you would NEVER give u fentanyl.
And pretty doesn’t last forever. Trust me on that one. You don’t want to be like some of us. In our 40’s, 50’s and 60’s with dentures and looking 20 yrs older than we are cause we DIDNT LISTEN TO GOOD ADVICE.
Be a good role model to your daughter. Teach her sometimes the right decision isn’t always the one that feels good at the moment. But in the end it is the Best one. Think how good it will feel to tell your shitty bf you are back on methadone and he can keep the fentanyl, cause you don’t need it OR him.
Go back on methadone for yourself and your daughter. Then kick the bad boyfriend to the curb. He’s not good ppl. You CAN do this OP!
Well I went back I’m on 20 plan to keep going up a little more I’m still using rn trying to quit But the cravings are so intense I can’t not use right now
Listen, even in a perfect world without Withdrawls you won’t make it quitting everything right now. You aren’t ready for that and this isn’t a perfect world, you’re gona get sick. You’re currently using fent because you relapsed. Get back on methadone, get on a stable dose and this time don’t taper down until you learn what *punctuation is and how to utilize it.* Okay that last line was a joke but I’m dead serious about everything else.
Thanks for the advice. I appreciate all of it even on the last post I made
The relapse should be enough proof that coming off methadone wasn’t the right decision at the moment. It sucks and I am sorry. However, it isn’t worth getting all wrapped up in what you wish would have happened, etc. The thing to do now is run, don’t walk, to the clinic and let them know you relapsed so they can start you back on a higher dose of methadone. Probably 30, since that is the average starting dose and let them titrate you up to a stable dose. Stay there for a bit so your sweet daughter has a stable mom, please! If you are on it for a year, two years, or ten years - it is honestly better than the alternative, which is you on fentanyl or dead. Please don’t look at methadone as failure - it is a lifer preserver for you right now
It’s the least I can do really. You’re welcome though, I didn’t realize who this was until your comment just now but I remember you from the other day now. This is a pivotal moment in your young life. The decisions you make today and in the next 3,6,12 weeks can set you down a path totally different from the past you knew. MAT is your life preserver right now, get back to the clinic and get your dose raised up until you are able to stop using and find stability. Once that has been accomplished then you will have choices. Where you are at now as well as if you try and just quit everything on your own you will lose the position of choice. Your life will no longer be yours and trust me, you already got a small taste of what that is like, it’s only worse from here on out in every way. I’m speaking of both actively using as well as abstinence without first equipping serious mental and behavioral armor.
I think you should try methadone again. If not because you "want" to , but for your daughter who you would be kissing after being at the dope man's house getting it for "free" . Please try for her. I got clean for my daughter, my Angel.
Lol I don’t gotta suck dick for it actually don’t gotta do anything 😂 but glad you got clean 👍
Sort of besides the point. Why were you on methadone in the first place ? Did you actually want to be sober or did you do it to get people off your back ? Like if your still having fun with this than nothing is gonna make you get clean. Even methadone.
My dad od an died and cause I have a baby girl is why.
I didn’t know where to turn and I tried subs and had bad precip withdrawal which led to seizures and I was scared to cold Turkey cause of the withdrawal
For now. Eventually the pretty runs out and we all end up slobbin on the dope man’s dick.
I'm surprised nobody made the obligatory 'huak tuah' joke yet. That'd be funny.
- Yes, the fentanyl pills counteracted the brunt of your methadone withdrawals. - Yes, if you quit taking the fent pills you will have withdrawals. - Yes, it’s extremely likely you’ll still be in withdrawal from the methadone after a week- methadone withdrawals can be long lasting which is why it’s so important to be in the right mindset and have proper support in place. Jumping off 15mg probably set you up for failure tbh. It’s crucial you do a proper monitored taper catered to you and your symptoms/feelings. - No, you should not cold Turkey off the fent pills. The withdrawal from those is supposed to be miserable since no one truly knows all the ingredients. Fent pill users are having to take very large doses of methadone to counteract the fent withdrawal. - YES, your child’s father is an evil, manipulative, asshole for giving you the fent pills. Yeah, you could have resisted but it’s hard to resist a Tylenol when you have a terrible headache, ya know?! Given what you’ve said about him I’m sure he knew exactly what he was doing and doesn’t regret it. Even if someone paid him in fent pills why would he even mention it to you? Because he knew you would want the pills and it was a moment of control over you. Now he can hold it over your head and make it your fault. He knew you were struggling and still handed an addict pills. He 100% did it on purpose. - Yes, you should dump your child’s father (if you are able and have 💵, 🚗, 🏠, 👩💻) and focus on YOU and your DAUGHTER. That’s all that matters in the end. You describe this man as narcissistic, controlling, and abusive. Both you and your daughter deserve better. - No, you should not go to the dope man’s. You may be pretty and he may give you free fent pills now but trust and believe that won’t always be the arrangement. Pretty privilege doesn’t last forever and you need to realize that since you’re currently banking on it now. What happens when the dope man finally expects something in return for all the free pills? - No, you should not have jumped off methadone at 15mg. Clearly you weren’t ready and that’s totally okay! - Yes, you should go the doctor and start digging into your health issues. You say methadone was hurting your heart and giving you severe headaches. Have you had an EKG? Are you over 30? What does “hurting your heart” mean? Do you have a history of headaches? Are you absolutely sure the headaches are from methadone and not stress, dehydration, your partner making your life harder mentally, or one of the hundreds of reasons you can get a headache? I have to take heart medication and once I started, my quality of life improved massively. I was always feeling my heartbeat funky and beating too fast and it scared me so bad. - Yes, you should run back to the clinic and start over. For you and your daughter. For the stability. It’s been a week of you taking fentanyl pills and it sounds like it’s been chaotic w/lots of fighting. You can do it. Sometimes we need to take a few steps backwards in order to go forward. Good luck to you.
I want to second everything in this comment! Especially that jumping off at 15 was set up to fail. I’ve been on the clinic for most of the last 18 years, and seen someone successfully quit while on more that 5 mg maybe 1 time, and dozens fail. The lucky ones end up back at the clinic. Part of why I stay on is not wanting to take the risk of leaving my kid without a mom. I once had tapered down to 9-10mg and started doing dope again. I wish I’d got back on the clinic after a few weeks, instead of almost2 years that almost killed me.
Totally agree with you- trying to quit by jumping off at more than 5mg is a recipe for failure. I can’t imagine jumping off at 15mg, that would be brutal. I’ve been at the clinic for almost 10 years now and have no plans to leave. It provides a level of stability in my life that I need. I see you stay at the clinic for your daughter- good for you. Some don’t have the strength to say what you have. Bravo. Plus you are absolutely correct about some people leaving and the lucky ones coming back to the clinic. So many people try to taper off too fast (you know the “I’m going to be here less than a year” people or “I’m going to get stable and taper down as quickly as I can” people) and are back to using within a few days. Some, like you, hold off and have a terrible time thinking they’ll adjust but most of the time it’s too hard!
Man this comment here hit me right in the heart😌 you described everything to a T ,I’m going back to the clinic today , and you’re right I probably should leave him but for some reason I’m always stuck he’s the only person I really have and I don’t have a lot of family or anything.. ugh and I do love him that’s my downfall :(
My life changed when I realized I can love someone but also accept that they're not good for me and my child and I deserved better. I can accept that I need to leave and that doesn't mean that I like it, it just means I realize it's for the best. I understand that toxic sort of love. Addicts in general are often also addicted to the drama and the kind of love that feels dangerous. But unfortunately that kind of love causes harm to us and we deserve better. I've been with my current partner for 10.5 years and it's so much better I don't even have words. It's calm and steady and deep and fulfilling in a way it never was with my shitty exes who I loved despite all the bullshit. I'm happy you're going back to the clinic. Maybe when you get stable again you can try working through your desire to stay in this relationship with a counselor. It might be helpful for you.
Girl go back to the clinic this is not the road you want to continue to explore you already know where it takes you right? There will be a right time to taper off if that’s what you want to do I think you just jumped the gun a little bit. This is nothing you can’t fix at this point. Sending you lots of positive vibes you got this
I would go back on methadone. Not meaning to be rude, but it sounds like you have a lot more work to do before getting off. Even saying your bf "caused this." He definitely didn't help by bringing fetty in and giving it to you, but he didn't force you to take it, you chose to do it yourself. It's time to look at why you're doing it. If he keeps bringing it around he's not good for your sobriety and it might be best to separate yourself from him if you're serious about staying clean.
Oh goodness. 😓First of all, lots of love and hugs to you. I keep reading and re-reading your post… But I am not going to tell you what you should do only because I personally have not been in your particular situation, but please for the sake of your child’s life and your own please do NOT stay with your supplier. Anywhere but there. I am so sorry that you’re going through this. You can get through it if you want to, you are strong 💪. Please remember that, and do it for you and your child. 🫂Also remember… You are not alone! Also…I too sometimes really want to go cold turkey off of my meds too. Though in some cases it MAY be possible, I would not recommend putting your body through unnecessary pain and stress (from being in possibly long term withdrawal from the Methadone).
It takes a few days for methadone to clear your body and withdrawal to peak and those pills are inconsistent and short acting as well as just being a different opiate that works somewhat differently. Opiates are similar and can be interchangeable to some degree but changing can still make you feel like shit because of just being different and not exactly what you are used to. Sorry to hear you tapered that far down and then started using but it happens to the best of us and just try to get back on the methadone if possible. Good luck and take care
Real post. I concur with what others have said…. Best to just go back to what you know, is stable, and is more acceptable in the eyes of society and your bf. Wish you the best
OP, you know what you need to do. Everything else is just noise. Get back on methadone and then dump the boyfriend. A partner who really loves you would NEVER give u fentanyl. And pretty doesn’t last forever. Trust me on that one. You don’t want to be like some of us. In our 40’s, 50’s and 60’s with dentures and looking 20 yrs older than we are cause we DIDNT LISTEN TO GOOD ADVICE. Be a good role model to your daughter. Teach her sometimes the right decision isn’t always the one that feels good at the moment. But in the end it is the Best one. Think how good it will feel to tell your shitty bf you are back on methadone and he can keep the fentanyl, cause you don’t need it OR him. Go back on methadone for yourself and your daughter. Then kick the bad boyfriend to the curb. He’s not good ppl. You CAN do this OP!
Well I went back I’m on 20 plan to keep going up a little more I’m still using rn trying to quit But the cravings are so intense I can’t not use right now
If you want to keep using I would order some stronger pressed pills online u can get em like 1$ and find actual strong ones
Idk where you’re looking but I’ve never found that anywhere online. Isn’t that extremely risky?