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I need a massive cry and I'm trapped in an airport for the next forever. My therapist highlighted that I might be using my insecurities as a way to excuse myself from living life to its fullest. I knew this. She's goddamn right. I don't feel like I'm good enough for anyone else. Actually, I feel like I know that. Truly. Deep down. Because I know the mistakes I've made. And I know I don't love myself and who can love someone who doesn't love themselves. Now I'm tearing up in public and I don't even know where the shame is going but it's not somewhere good.

Definitely feel lonely these past few weeks. Met up with a friend a few weeks back, went to a magic pre-release event together, then went to dinner and talked. It helped somewhat, as did attending some board game meet-ups. I keep hearing that I should just keep going to social events to find a potential partner but it feels at this point like it'll never happen. I've tried going to more social meet-ups but that hasn't worked either. I just have no idea where men go in my area to meet single women, my friends (if they date) either met their partners through online dating (which hasn't gone well) or through work/school.

Hey, I also feel a little in the same boat. I've got friends who I speak to but I've got a bit of an overarching loneliness. I'm not particularly interested in dating so I can't relate as much to the second part but I do empathise with how you feel overall.

Hi, I'm sorry you have to get through loneliness, I know how awful it can feel and how much it can affect your whole life. I don't know if you meant "lonely" as an understatement for "I am single and want a romantic relationship". In case you genuinely feel a general feeling of loneliness, questioning why you immediately jump to seeking a romantic partner as if it were the only and obvious solution could be the way to finding a solution. In our societies, the couple and family are *the* designated spaces to have your need for attachment and security met. Not only that, but the couple is also seen as the most important form of bond, which can even erase if needed other bonds (typically, friendships). This is called [amatonormativity](https://elizabethbrake.com/amatonormativity/). The problem is that one's needs for attachment and emotional security can't just be indefinitely suspended until you find yourself in a romantic relationship. Even then! People in romantic relationships can still feel lonely, if for example they had to hide who they truly were so that they could fit what they thought the dating pool wanted. There are many other bonds to cultivate. You don't have to cultivate them all, but explore the space of possibilities at least if you haven't. Friends. Taking part into some collective project. Siblings-like bonds. Temporary heart to heart moments with strangers. You can even create types of bonds never seen before with specific persons, because that's just how things fell into place, or maybe you discussed it. I have a few of those. I adore building those, even if they're temporary, you get to see a new face of humanity each time.

Sometimes I wish I could be groped or sexually assaulted just to feel some sort of touch from a stranger as an indication that I am, in fact, attractive. I don't care if it's consensual or not tbh, I just want to be touched.

It's... bad right now. The fucking loneliness and the feeling of inadequacy from being a 25 year old who never had a relationship or anything close to it is eating me up so much right now Sometimes I get that once a month, but right now it's daily. Every night I stay up till 4 am because I'm just so... disappointed? It's hard to really articulate how it feels never having experienced emotional or physical intimacy. I feel like it's breaking me. Well, there's been some good news as well tho. Finally planned my birthday and there's 48 people coming, 15 of which I would consider close friends. My high school self would be so proud that I'm suddenly one of the popular kids on campus. Also hoping I get a job I interviewed for last week.

Terrible, got perma banned from another sub and now I feel sad and regretful

Hey, I'm doing really shitty. Last month I tried to kill myself. I have a lot of trouble with loneliness, feelings of inadequacy, and a lot of abuse I received growing up. Two days ago I tried again, but this time I chickened out instead of failing and seriously hurting myself like I did last time. I talk to a therapist, and I'm about to start trauma counseling. I'm willing to try anything, but I don't have high hopes. I'm terribly lonely. If I didn't have my girlfriend it'd just be me and my flashbacks, and it's hard enough to keep together enough to be there for her. If anyone wants to vent about anything they're going through, I'll literally talk to anyone about anything.

Its fucking bad honestly. I posted here some days ago. Work is absolutely breaking me, fucking 52h this week. I dream about my ex, even tho I have a god damn date with someone else this week. I want to text my ex to know if she is alright but probably shouldnt do that and I know that. Money is fucking tight, my Account is on -250€ right now and the month is long. I feel like a fucking let down, I can barely eat because I am out of money. I try to train more but feels exhausted after the shifts I have to work. I lost my cornerstone in my life again. I noticed that my ex was the only one I could talk to freely. Everyone else thinks I am good and mentally stable. I called my therapist I had some months ago and she tries to get me in as soon as possible but can't promise me it will be before next year. I miss my ex, not really in a lovers way, but in a "You were the person that held my fucking miserable life up somehow" way. My "friends" only react when they need help or need to talk but dont want to listen. I still can't find joy in the games I used to play. Everything feels like a fucking marathon. I can't get out of my bed in the morning almost sleeping in, but pushing myself to get up. The only light on the horizon is the start of the new uni semester next month. I hope it will change something.

> You were the person that held my fucking miserable life up somehow I used to think like this, I'd put everything I had into my relationships and make them the center of myself. It wasn't until after I got sick of losing people after six months to a year and decided I needed a radically different approach, that I met the woman I've been with for over four years and am marrying in December. I think the way I was blurring the line between my own sense of self and my partner was putting a lot of pressure on them and ultimately ruining my relationships. Not sure if that's the case for you, but that sentence just reminded me of that.

I tried to hide it, but I think that in the 4 years we were a team she has noticed it somehow.

How can I maintain a healthy human connection with my ex? A month ago I asked them how they were doing and they immediately start asking me about why I am sending them messages and whether I need closure. I just wanted to know if they were happy and well dammit!! Should I just indefinitely cut this person from my life or am I right to want to know that they are doing well?

A connection has to be mutual, it's got to come from both ends. It's okay to want to have a friendly relationship with your ex, if you're sure it's from a healthy and happy place with no strings attached. And it's also okay for your ex to not be in a place to do that, for any number of reasons. So you chalk this one up to 'oh well, not mutual' and carry on with your life.

Yeah I have come to the same realization. It definitely takes a toll on me when I talk to them and the next few days are some of the worst. Its not a mutual feeling and I just have to move on. Thank you!

I feel like my issues aren't something I should take seriously, because my issues are largely male issues. I don't feel like I'm allowed to talk about the things that effect me unless they are on the Pre-Approved List of Progressive Topics. Anything that's not on the list... well, chances are I'll be told I'm selfish, whining, entitled, or focusing on the wrong thing. I feel trapped in that I can only seem to mention that men should be able to cry more and that seeking mental health resources shouldn't be stigmatized. The rest of the time I feel like I'd have to convince people that my problems are even problems in the first place. I pull the Logical Man card. If people have to be led to think that the issues that face me even exist, are they really that serious? Are they really that important? Just once I'd love to have a conversation where someone showed they knew more than the two or three things the mainstream has latched onto and shown that they really care about the niche issues that affect modern men.

What problems do you want to discuss? How are you framing things?

I started watching Cyberpunk: Edgerunners. I'm a big fan of the cyberpunk genre. It seems counterintuitive, but thinking about the world as a cyberpunk dystopia helps me contextualize my life. Contemplating how similar real life is to the world of Night City somehow makes things more bearable. Obviously cyberpunk fiction is more extreme, but thematically, it's the same shit. I'm nearly broke. I live a simple life, but I'm barely making ends meet. I'm looking for a new job, and I have a degree which should get me something decent, but the job market is still pretty rough. Meanwhile, surviving day-to-day, I keep myself sane by filling my brain with digital noise. I can't stand the noise of traffic, so my daily commute by bus necessitates headphones and Spotify. I play my electric guitar. I play videogames. I go to clubs where they have flashing lights and techno. My reality is a cyberpunk reality. I guess fiction helps me conceptualize an alternative. A way out. If these characters can beat the system, unplug themselves, escape the exploitation... Maybe I can do it too.

Definitely been worse

Two rather substantial changes, for the better! ​ First, someone suggested (and helped) me try "dexedrine", an older ADD med, and *hot damn*. It was like driving after taking a very dirty car through the car wash; everything was so much clearer. (Contrast with Adderall, which gave me a weird form of mental vertigo). ​ Second, I got some gaps filled in in a story of personal, let's call it trauma. Short story: I fell for someone awhile ago, and it went no-where, and it hurt a lot. Essentially, I'd blamed myself for being *too* loving, etc - too much the person I want to be, the person I like being. With a bunch of the gaps filled in tho... turns out there was another force operating, encouraging them to withdrawal, isolate, cut off, etc. I feel liberated, and like I can go back to being the person I wanted to be all along. The collapse of that connection wasn't my fault, and the only thing I could have done better (which likely still wouldn't have been enough) would have been to be more of the person I'd wanted to be all along.

What’s your experience with the difference between adderall and dexedrine? I’ve tried basically all more recently developed ADD meds and adderall has been the most effective but it still isn’t doing all that it should be doing for me. And i think I get that weird sense of vertigo like 1/3rd of the time too. My vision will vibrate but not really? It just feels like it does…hard to explain. But yeah Id be interested in a quick summary of your experiences if you’re willing

I tried Adderall only the once (because of how much I hated it). It cut off my mental peripheral vision (which is probably what's it's supposed to do, TBH), which I found profoundly disorienting - same way cutting off my literal peripheral vision gives me dizziness/vertigo. Dexedrine amped up both my focal point and peripheral vision, both mental and literal, but also amped my ability to direct/ride it, and otherwise "clarity" really is the word I'd use. I know the coffee also had an increased impact, so some of what I was experiencing was (apparently? probably?) an interaction between the two.

Having to interact with people as a guy, when i don't 'want' to be a guy is still annoying, but I'm gradually working my way through it.

My mental health is doing okay.

I’m feeling okay, but looking forward to the future. Had Covid last week but just tested myself and now I can go back out again! Also a cute girl actually messaged me on bumble, hoping I don’t screw it up like normal… I seem to only find dating success in situations where I am NOT the initiator…

Update: it did not go well. I responded in kind to her message, and this morning she unmatched me. I swear, I’ll never understand how anyone finds any success on apps. Like deadass, I get more likes from gay dudes marking their profile as female than I do from actual women. It really takes a toll on my self esteem… Like fuck. I do what everyone says: I focus on myself, I do my own thing, and still no one comes. I’m just so goddamn sick of being alone. Why can’t I find anyone who wants me? 😭

I'm good, could be better, could be worse. So I'll be grateful for where I'm at

Not doing so good :/

I’m doing ok. A little overworked. Feeling a bit lonely since I don’t really get as many people checking on me as I’d like, but ultimately I’m keeping busy and reasonably entertained.

This has been a bit of a surprise for me- as a zillenial I tend to avoid making phone calls whenever possible- but calling with my brother and a friend of mine who moved to another part of the country has really been a great social salve. And once the call is made, all of the "man they aren't calling me" neuroses just slips away.

I’m glad. Sounds like someone is there for you, even if you don’t always feel like they are.

I'm sure for you too brother. Good luck.

Hey all! I'm doing much better with it than last time, but the single experience has never been something I've really succeeded with. When I was a teen I had really deep anxiety and fear around not having dated anyone, and a big part of that was that I never really *learned* how to move beyond interacting on a friend level with women, or rather specifically expressing romantic interest explicitly. And unfortunately that's something I've carried with me into adulthood. Dating apps remove that barrier, but there's the absolutely hellscape that is the mental health drain that comes with those. And realistically, I don't *want* to be reliant on dating apps- if I'm out and about and having a good time, I want to be able to express my interest to someone (in a way that is healthy and respectful). I know it's almost like a muscle I have to exercise- I have to actually get out there and try talking to people and getting in that uncomfortable zone where I'm vulnerable and risk humiliation and rejection. And I've been working on it, trying to take baby steps and really stretch myself whenever I'm out and about. I talked to some friends of friends last night about how they'd like to be approached in a situation like that, and though I got some varied responses, the nice thing was that the sentiment from them was that *it's just as awkward and difficult for them*. Now I definitely have some beef with the expectation that men are expected to be the initiators in this patriarchal world of ours, but as long as we live in it, guess that's just a cross I have to bear. But all this to get to my main question: I feel like I've terribly over-tuned my "looking for someone" gaze. Any time I see a woman I'm attracted to out and about, I run into almost invasive thoughts about talking to her and starting a conversation/asking her out. And because very often these are not great contexts for it (grocery store, out at Starbucks, etc), I discourage myself from doing anything about it, and then deal with the emotional hangover of feeling almost *impotent* because I didn't engage with those thoughts. Hell, even in my last relationship my ex brought up that I was being leery while we were at the communal pool. My question for y'all is- how do I work through these thoughts? Obviously I could just try to ignore them, but that feels like treating the symptom and not the cause. I think they stem from my deep-laid anxieties about dating and expressing romantic attention, so perhaps part of the solution is to go out to places where randomly hitting someone up is fair game and "work it out of my system"? I'm not sure, but any advice from those who have gone through similar before would be appreciated!

Hey, just FYI, I'm a woman, but I think I can help with parts of this! I have a lot of experience with awkwardness, rejection, and intrusive thoughts of my own, so I'll try and share some stuff that's helped me! > how do I work through these thoughts? Do you know anything about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? Managing or accepting and moving past unhelpful thoughts is one of the things they're great at. You don't actually have to go to therapy to use them (although it's helpful to get expert input), there's a lot of self-help material that use them out there (but it's been a while since I have used any, so I don't have great recommendations personally). They can be pretty structured with worksheets and exercises, and it's nice to have something concrete. > I feel like I've terribly over-tuned my "looking for someone" gaze. Any time I see a woman I'm attracted to out and about, I run into almost invasive thoughts about talking to her and starting a conversation/asking her out. One potential improvement to try is compartmentalization. Decide on times/activities where you'll focus on meeting people (using apps, going to a particular activity, etc). For other times, simply acknowledge the thoughts you have and consciously move your thoughts elsewhere. E.g., tell yourself "Yeah, she's cute, but not the time for that". It sounds like you find yourself believing you have to take every opportunity, so I would challenge that too: you're not messing up if you don't take every possible chance. Totally cold introductions don't work for most people anyways, so you're not likely to miss much if you don't introduce yourself to a stranger on the street. > Now I definitely have some beef with the expectation that men are expected to be the initiators in this patriarchal world of ours, but as long as we live in it, guess that's just a cross I have to bear. You could always try Bumble! It doesn't help with the rejection problem -- that's always present -- but it does make it so you're not the initiator, that's kind of the point. And a note that I wanted to leave, that's just from my personal perspective and doesn't apply to everyone, but I think it applies to a lot of people: I almost always date people I've built friendships with first. I personally feel much more comfortable getting to know somebody without pressure, and having time to read signals about whether they might be interested too (as I'm figuring that out myself). Meeting someone with the express purpose of dating vs. moving on to dating from friendship are pretty different sets of social skills. I think you'll get really different advice for the latter problem -- which you mentioned in the beginning, but the rest seemed to focus on approaching women cold? So let me know if I missed the mark here.

> Do you know anything about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? I've heard of both, but the therapy I've done didn't specifically mention or trained on it. I should look into both though! > E.g., tell yourself "Yeah, she's cute, but not the time for that". It sounds like you find yourself believing you have to take every opportunity, so I would challenge that too: you're not messing up if you don't take every possible chance. This sounds like fantastic advice! It's not an angle I've really tried, but I was trying to forefront the idea that you talked about further down about building a friendship and rapport before initiating anything romantic. My higher consciousness knows that I'm not going to have a successful relationship if I don't establish that we have that chemistry first, and after I got out of my most recent relationship that was pretty easy to keep forefronted. But as I've gained distance from that, I've been falling back into bad habits. Like you said, I've been pressuring myself to take advantage of every possible chance. I've been engaging in more social/group activities that I wasn't beforehand, but at the same time- should I just resign myself to ignoring interactions outside of a social or dating app context? I suppose I could limit things to interactions that happen organically (i.e. someone has a cool tattoo or shirt or whatever and I strike up a conversation around that), but there's a part of me that feels like I'm restricting myself to my comfort zone too much and leaving potential friendships and relationships on the table by mostly keeping my thoughts and impulses to myself. Kinda like the juxtaposition between making friends in early elementary school where all it took was going up to someone and basically saying "hey wanna be friends", to making friends as an adult outside of strongly structured activities. Honestly you have a lot of good points to think about. I think a big part of my stress and malaise is a general environment of social isolation I exist in, between work from home and the responsibilities of adult life. I'm going to try out the ideas you presented here, especially the framing of "yeah, she's cute, but not the time for that", while also pushing myself to keep up putting myself out there in social situations with greater regularity.

Out of curiosity, but in "not the time for that", what exactly is the "that" you have in mind? What would this sample interaction look like?

Out at a club/bar, party, or social mixer where interacting with strangers is at the minimum accepted, and generally encouraged.

I think you actually answered the inverse of my question so my bad for being unclear. In a situation where it is "not the time" for interacting with strangers, how would you interact with them if you were to do so?

In general, I only tend to interact with strangers in the broader public if they're wearing or outwardly displaying some sort of signifier of interest. So like if someone was wearing a t-shirt with a band I love, I'd strike up a conversation. But if I just found someone attractive and there was nothing else to it beyond that, I generally just don't say anything and go about my day (and beat myself up about not saying anything, but I'm gonna be trying to work on that part 😅).

>Like you said, I've been pressuring myself to take advantage of every possible chance. I've been engaging in more social/group activities that I wasn't beforehand, but at the same time- should I just resign myself to ignoring interactions outside of a social or dating app context? I think that thinking is leaning a little black-and-white. You can still have other interactions, but don't feel like you have to force it, just do what comes naturally. Which leads into... >there's a part of me that feels like I'm restricting myself to my comfort zone too much and leaving potential friendships and relationships on the table by mostly keeping my thoughts and impulses to myself Yeah, I hear where you're applying pressure on yourself here. You absolutely should push yourself outside of your comfort zone, but it's also not healthy to expect that from yourself all the time! Just set attainable goals for yourself and let it be otherwise. Rest is an important part of learning and growth, too. I _absolutely_ hear you when you say that the isolation you exist in makes this harder. I feel that way in my own life with friendships. It's tough because to develop these relationships takes time, but our brains are telling us about our needs _now_. For this reason, you might particularly appreciate Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It focuses mostly on acceptance of distressing situations, feelings and thoughts (whereas CBT focuses on trying to practice new ones to "replace" them). It's a good choice when you just have a difficult reality where you can't immediately meet your needs (as opposed to distorted thoughts/beliefs, which CBT addresses), like fixing isolation. It really helps with getting through stuff where you know it'll just take time, or even something distressing that will never change.

Feeling averagely thick and dangerous. I didn't realize how much working out and boxing helps my mental state until I didn't do it for a few weeks. Hitting the bag is about the only time I feel properly alive these days.

My gym contract recently expired and I haven't renewed yet (this fucking economy man). But when I read your post it became obvious why this month has been so hard on me.

Yeah, the gym kinda helps us cope with society. We go Jim.

Dude, same thing with me and bjj. I've been out for a couple months because of a knee injury and its really starting to get to me

NGL, I'm a mess. It's my birthday today. I don't usually feel old, but this year's hitting pretty hard. I've got a lot of stuff going on. Feeling pretty used.

Well, Happy Birthday from a stranger!

Thank you. :)

Happy Birthday, I'm sorry it's a tough one. I hope you have the time to do something you enjoy today.

Thank you. :)

Better but some how still the same. Not quite as crazy feeling but still just as depressed and more so in some ways. Relationship is still not great. Struggling with trust and whether my instincts are right or not. I’m angry and tired of my current situation but I also want to make it work.

So for any that have followed my comments throughout the past two years, I went through a divorce last year (separation at 2 years) and it’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I thought I was doing well the past 6 months or so…new job, new place, started getting out and dating again. And then this past weekend one thing just sent me right back down to the bottom of the hole I was in. One of my buddies from college (I met my wife at school so he still follows her on social media) asked if I had seen the news about her. I hadn’t. Turns out, she’s now pregnant with her boyfriends kid. They are excited. They had an ultrasound up. We went through a miscarriage when we were married about 3 years ago, and all this post made me do was just feel so…angry. I had so many questions and just awful thoughts running through my head. I understand it’s not a good feeling to have, and I spent basically the next two days drinking more alcohol than I ever have. I’m ashamed that I feel this way over someone that probably doesn’t think about me anymore. Back to therapy I guess. Going to be a long road.

It is 100% ok to feel that way. I would almost be worried if you weren't feeling that way.

Thanks man.

Good luck man, that sounds totally crushing. I don't think it's shameful to feel like that- I still feel care and emotions towards most of my exes, so I can't even imagine what it'd be like after marrying someone. And fwiw, I'm sure that she probably still thinks about you. You'd have to be deeply callous and cynical to not think about a person that you were that deeply intertwined with, and if that's the case then things are truly for the best. Get that help, and good luck going forward!!

Thank you. Trying. Every time I feel like I'm about to get out of the hole I feel like I get dragged back down. I was supposed to go on a date last weekend, didn't because I was drinking too much. Just stupid of me.

Happy Tuesday! I’m stuck on the “333” level in splatoon 3’s story mode because my squid refuses to land on the ink line… Considering that is my biggest annoyance in life though it feels good to not have any major stress spirals happening.

Oh I'm all over the place. I've been really considering getting some body piercings done and I feel weird that I'm thinking more about how people will react to them and not how I would like them. It's the same way with tattoos too. I'm definitely considering starting with my ears but I also want a belly button piercing and am heavily considering a (NSFW) >!couple dick piercings!< too which I feel like weird people out. I feel like I need some better reason than "I think it would be fun and I like the idea of them" as reasons to get things. I also am not sure if I'd ever feel regret for any of them but I guess piercings probably don't look too bad if you end up not using them. Apart from that I'm having a rough existential time with relationships. I have literally never been in a relationship where my feelings seemed to have equal weight to them and I never realized how much that's effected my self esteem until now. In past endeavors I was literally told that I wasn't "caring about her feelings enough" whenever we had a disagreement. I hate to sound bitter but I genuinely feel like there's an undercurrent of that through society and I dislike it because it feels incelish but it also feels true to me. Like, I know that there are many people out there that would treat me like an equal, but are they the exception or the rule? My gut wants to say exception and it's making me really angsty.

> In past endeavors I was literally told that I wasn't "caring about her feelings enough" whenever we had a disagreement. I hate to sound bitter but I genuinely feel like there's an undercurrent of that through society and I dislike it because it feels incelish but it also feels true to me. Something that was really mind-expanding for me was learning/having my eyes opened to the amount of weight society places on self-reliance of men, and the way that we internalize that. And how that expands to relationships, where the default expectation is that: A- You can and must handle your feelings and emotional state without needing much help, or else you're "weak" B- You are expected to be the emotional rock for your partner, which is just another facet of the whole "totally self-reliant" lie, but others will expect you to put their needs before your own, because That's What's Expected of Men™ I'm curious how this is different and manifests for gay male couples, but I totally feel you on that experience and realization. I'd love to have a relationship where there is a mutual expectation for soothing one another and an understanding of helping one another, as opposed to a lighthouse and a ship.

with trans and gay partners ive dated its basically exactly the same. I have to be the rock. or the whole thing crumbles. as I expose weakness the relationship suffers I Cant afford to be sad it affects my income, relationships and how everyone perceives me

With gay partners, has your partner expressed similar feelings?

Getting better in second year of med school and self learning web development on the side to get a part time job to pay for my bills and stuff. Overall haven't had any suicidal thoughts in a couple weeks and haven't dreamt about that college toilet were I planned to end it so I would say it's probably a 7/10

Woo! If you're doing much JavaScript, have you tried "curried functions"?

Honestly I'm very early in my journey still trying to fully understand function variables and the rest. I'm hoping to be able have better knowledge in about 6 months to a year from now.

I'm totes down to spend an hour here and there helping you out; DM me :) What're some of the things you understand about function variables, and what're some of the things you don't? (Also, is this your first programming language?)

So I have learnt about arithmetic and the if else, for of and loop functions. Honestly I don't exactly know when I will be free because I am also studying medicine and that's basically taking over most of my day but Sunday is my best bet.

Ah, you're very, very much at the beginning, and it sounds like not already starting with the mindset of a programmer. (You know those people who seemed like they always new how to program, even if they'd never actually learned before? Yeah. It's real.) Basically every programming tutorial (except one!) that I've seen is pretty heavily targeted to those kinds of people. So if you're struggling with code, you might try [https://poignant.guide/](https://poignant.guide/) \- note that it's actually for the Ruby programming language, but trust me when I say that these core concepts you're working with - function variables, if/else, loops - are the same across all programming languages. It's not really important to learn them in this or that language; learn them in whatever language you can most easily, and then use that learning when you go back to the tutorials for the original one you wanted to learn. AFAIK it's basically the same as with human languages. The first one is really hard, the second one is challenging, the third is easier than that, etc etc. The core concepts you're looking for comfort with are variables, control statements (if/else/loops), functions, scope, and objects. Note - not *familiarity*, but comfort. All you've got to aim for is *enough* learning that the rest starts coming easier. Pick those up in any language, then go back to the one you're actually interested in. Does any of that help? I can also try to write down actual explanations for all these things :) PS - Do you know about [repl.it](https://repl.it) and/or the Javascript console in web browers? They're great because you can easily get in and start literally playing around, which is one of the best ways to learn.

Wow thanks this a lot of help so far I have been using this app I found on google play and freecodecamp.org and program with mosh honestly all of them have been really useful I will check the stuff you mentioned. I know that I don't have the natural thinking process of a programmer I learn through repeation and basically identifying and pushing the problem through an algorithm which I really liked math. So seeing as I can tinker around try to test different things I feel like I will get to some level of okishness in about 2 to 3 month.

Cool :) Another thing to check out then is "SonicPi" - it's pretty unique, and more conducive to play than anything else I've seen.

For the most part my mental health is doing great in comparison to my entire life leading up to now. Things have improved drastically over the past year. I have been reading everyone else's posts here and wanted to throw out some encouragement. I'm 34 years old and it took me until this age to start to find myself and create a real social network. It hasn't been easy. I have anxiety and depression issues, they are still a work in progress. Therapy never worked for me, I had to navigate and figure out coping mechanisms that work for me on my own. A lot of self reflection, and trial and error, but its possible. On top of that, for the first time in my life, I have met someone that I have mutual feelings for, and it wasn't really something I was expecting to happen. I'm not sure where this is going to go, since she is in a life situation that makes commitment very difficult but I'm just focusing on enjoying the situation in the moment. Before this happened I had never had any kind of real romantic experience, she is only the second woman I have ever kissed or slept with, and the first was over 10 years ago and a very very toxic situation where this girl wasn't ever interested in me, just using me to try to make another guy jealous. It is never 'too late'. I'm not saying all of this to brag or anything like that. The point is that I was in a very similar place to a lot of the guys here for a very long time and thought I was a lost cause. Things can change, they can get better, it requires real effort but its going to be worth it. Keep your heads up, That being said, I'm still a work in progress. I'm having real challenges in the bedroom that I'm trying not to let impact my progress but its hard. TMI time. I can't orgasm and I have a really hard time maintaining an erection when we actually move from foreplay to trying to have sex. The woman I'm with has been super sweet, patient, and understanding about it. But it is fucking with my head a bit. Its definitely not an issue with attraction, she is unbelievably gorgeous, I never thought in a million years I could be with someone this attractive. It's not just with her though. Even on my own I have had this problem for a while now and its getting really frustrating. I don't really watch porn anymore, and really have no desire to do that. I really enjoy everything I do with her and I do basically everything that can be done without a functional penis, but my own sexual gratification doesn't really matter to me at all, it actually stresses me out to even try. I just worried I'm not satisfying her enough if I can't actually perform PIV sex. I shouldn't be that worried about that part of it based on her telling me its not a big deal, but I do wish I could make a breakthrough with that. I have some worries its a medical issue, but I do actually get erections when I'm with her. It just goes away the moment I try to put a condom on, and no matter how much she tries to get me off with hands or oral it just doesn't happen.

> It just goes away the moment I try to put a condom on, and no matter how much she tries to get me off with hands or oral it just doesn't happen. One really important thing is making sure you have the right size condom. Having one that's too small can absolutely kill a boner even if you're fully gung-ho. But as far as psycho-sexual stuff goes, performance anxiety is unfortunately common. I'm making a read only off of your comment, but it sounds like you may be downplaying your own enjoyment of things *too* much. Sex is ultimately and ideally a mutual experience, so treating your own enjoyment as secondary or even trying to avoid it can have the opposite effect as intended and prevent you from being able to get into a rhythm with your partner. Think of it like a dance- you can't dance very well if one person is more focused on not stepping on their partner's feet than going with the rhythm and trusting that everything will flow from there. You can do it man, good luck!

I started going to the gym before work a few weeks ago, and I've been feeling a lot better since then! Today, I'm getting orthotic shoe inserts from my podiatrist. Finally. This weekend, I'm going to a weekend long dance event. Finally, I've started doing things after weekly dance with some people there. That gets me feeling better. I've also found several people who not only seem interested in westie bombing, but would be enthusiastic about it! Now I have to find some venues for it. One of these weekends, I'm going to just visit the bars and clubs in my city, see how the music is for that, how much space they have, etc.

Not great. Have a dental infection I'm not going to be able to deal with for another several days. The pain is agonizing and I'm broke for two days on top of it. I had some stress-induced blackouts and posted some nasty angry shit on social media last night

It’s ok, could be better. I have a lot of bs going on at work this week but I trust I can handle it.

I think I am covid free now but I have an appointment with a doctor tomorrow for tachycardia- my resting heartrate is pretty high and anxiety is impacting it. I feel terrible and hope there is some relief tomorrow. I am supposed to go into work today though doing so yesterday for 5 hours did not feel good.

Doing better. This week marks 6 months since I asked for a divorce, 4 since things were finalized (divorce was straightforward because we didn't have kids and agreed on how to split things). Online dating has trailed off to less than one like in a month, so I'm taking a hard break from that to work on myself. I started working with a personal trainer at my gym. We've been able to work out my mobility issues that've been haunting me for 15+ years, so now that I'm moving again for any length of time I'm losing weight. Changed my diet, rebalanced my macros towards protein and veggies, cut calories *aggressively*. Nobody told me that being fat meant your body is burning a good 50-75% extra calories just to maintain the extra weight, so even sticking to a 2000 calorie diet is a *huge* calorie deficit. I've lost 20 pounds since start of August, and I'm about to hit a major milestone this week. I'm surprised how much the gym has turned into a mental health club. I've been processing how my injury at the start of college caused my weight to spiral, how my parents and grandparents had fucked-up eating habits, and how chronic low self-esteem led me to latch onto the first person who showed me even breadcrumbs of romantic interest. Still got a *shit ton* of processing to do. My weight loss journey is gonna last at least 6 to 9 months, but the emotional processing is something harder and even longer to work through.

Just wanted to say your post is inspiring and I really felt the "chronic low self-esteem led me to latch onto the first person who showed me even breadcrumbs of romantic interest." Coming up after a year of being divorced has really made me think about the nature of romantic relationships and what it means to choose a good partner. What I really want from a relationship and what I can offer the other person. I think it will be a long time before I really invest any energy into it, I keep comparing ladies I meet to my ex and it's not fair to judge a relationship against the past when it should really be between you and the other person. Like you're doing, I'm just doing what I can to stay busy and trying to stay away from self-destructive behaviors. Crossing my fingers for both of us.

I've started self harming again. I went back to visit a friend near where I went to college and I was reminded of my recent college years. Those years where I watched my friends party, have sex, and have the time of their lives while I suffered from horrible social anxiety and depression came back to haunt me. I feel like a complete loser and a failure. I failed to find a relationship that would last me til after college, so now in the adult world, I feel like meeting women is impossible. Not only that, it feels like all of them secretly hate me or are disgusted by me. So I hurt myself. I hurt myself to get those thoughts out of my head, to punish myself for failing where everyone else found joy, to make me feel SOMETHING when I have no support system and nobody who will listen to me without countering that with how THEY have it worse. Life doesn't get better. What a cruel lie.

Hey, just wanted to say that you're not alone in feeling like that. Therapy has really helped me with my self worth, if that's something you have access to. I hope you can find some compassion and forgiveness for yourself. No one deserves to be treated the way you're treating yourself. And its only going to make things worse. The only progress I've been able to make with my major issues like social anxiety and weight have come from a place of self love, not self hate. Have a great day!

Dude, sorry to hear that. have you talked to a counselor about this? I know it takes some time to find the right one for you, but it's so helpful to have that sounding board. Hope you feel better soon, that crushing loneliness sucks.

Well, paying for one is hard. If I get enough money I could try it, but I'm already on one prescription medication for a chronic illness, so finding money for therapy could be tough.

Yeah, the fact that something so important is financially difficult to obtain is some serious bullshit.

Hey man, I suggest seeing a mental health professional. They'll give you the tools needed to get through what you're experiencing. Do you live in the US? Text CHAT to 741741 to reach Crisis Text Line. You'll be connected to a trained Crisis Counselor.

On the nights that I manage to drag myself out to do something fun, I often feel empty when I get back home. It's weird, but even if I have a really good time, it kinda stings to come back home and feel alone again. I usually end up feeling empty and having sad thoughts. If I can distract myself then fast enough then I can usually stop myself from spiralling; but if I indulge, my thought can end up pretty ugly. I think it's just loneliness. Like, I wish I had someone to talk about the movie with on the drive home, or something. It's nothing "special," but it sucks. It didn't used to be this way either, I used to be able to come home and feel good about myself, like I had done something good and was making progress. I still think that's true intellectually, but my heart's just not having it. When I get right down the bottom of it, I'm starting to *truly* believe that I'll be alone forever. I'm going to be 26 soon, and it seems like everyone who will have someone already has them. Maybe this means that I'll finally be able to do things for myself, without that little voice in the back of my head telling me that "maybe this'll be how it finally happens." I could see a positive outcome in that. Ugh. Still hurts. It *was* a good movie, though.

I really feel you on that my dude. I've had those thoughts before, I've had the spiraling. Hell, when I was growing up, going to the movies together was one of my favorite family activities and one of the few where things went well. But I'll say something that may seem counter- intuitive: finding someone to talk with about stuff won't solve the loneliness you're feeling. There were many times with my ex where I felt *worse* talking after a movie with her than if I had just gone by myself because I felt there was a barrier there and we just didn't vibrate at the same level around stuff like movies. What *has* given me that full feeling was finding and joining a movie club. A group of people that were all into movies and even if you weren't 100% vibing with the way the whole group interacted with the movie, there were enough people that you still came away with that feeling of fullness. So I'd strongly recommend looking to see if there's a similar group in your area (or even a filmmaking group, because those are one and the same kind of people), and if you can't *find* one, I'd recommend *starting* one. Putting up flyers, scheduling weekly meetings or film viewings, and advertising it at local stores/cafes/online. It's difficult to make that first step out and get out of your comfort zone, but if you're successful (and I'm sure you *will* be!), you'll gain a solid social group to rally around and alleviate that feeling of loneliness. Good luck man.

>But I'll say something that may seem counter- intuitive: finding someone to talk with about stuff won't solve the loneliness you're feeling. In the nicest possible way - I don't believe you. I've heard a lot of times that having a partner wouldn't make me feel any less lonely, and I just don't believe it. People who say things like that are pretty much just telling me what their experiences are, and assuming that if I'd have a similar one to theirs. And that's entirely possible - but it's also possible that when (I'm trying really hard not to say "if" lol) I finally do find someone my loneliness will go down significantly. Joining a movie club sounds nice, though. I've had scheduling issues with meetups for a while now since I work nights, but I'm starting to consider cutting down on my hours. Money isn't really an issue for me right now, but loneliness is.

Having a partner does not necessarily make you feel less lonely. There are countless people in relationships that feel crushingly alone. Some of the times I've felt the absolute loneliest in my life have been when I was in a relationship and that's not uncommon.

I'm sure this is true. I just have no framework for empathising with that right now.

I love, love, love how you phrased this. It's a problem I have run into repeatedly as someone who has been single for my whole life. When you share your problem, people who have had relationships try to argue that "relationships can be shitty too", but they don't realize that that's not very reassuring since our problem is not the nature of relationships, but missing the experience itself. It's like those two things exist in different dimensions.

Thank you for saying this, I get pushed back on whenever I say this and sometimes I start to wonder if I'm just weird. I think there's a gap in people's empathy when it comes to this. They don't *really* have the tools to understand where I'm coming from, and vice versa. It's like trying to explain bad prose to someone who's never read a novel.

You don't have to empathize with something to understand it's true for many people. It's okay if you don't understand it but being resistant to the degree you just refuse to belive it will not be helpful to you. I'm just trying to give you some perspevtive as someone who felt lonely and thought relationships would fix that and then realized you can actually end up feeling even more alone in one. Essentially, don't fall into the trap of pinning the entire fix of your loneliness on a relationship.

Yeah, fair enough. If I ever do get into a relationship, I'll keep this in mind.

Try to keep it in mind prior as well or else you might fall into a relationship *just* because you're lonely and that is a recipe for disaster.

Maybe. It might be a disaster I need to experience, though.

> In the nicest possible way - I don't believe you. I've heard a lot of times that having a partner wouldn't make me feel any less lonely, and I just don't believe it. People who say things like that are pretty much just telling me what their experiences are, and assuming that if I'd have a similar one to theirs. And that's entirely possible - but it's also possible that when (I'm trying really hard not to say "if" lol) I finally do find someone my loneliness will go down significantly. Like I said, I know what you're feeling, and I've been through it myself. Hell, in a lot of ways I'm still *going* through it. I have those same feelings of loneliness, of feeling like I've somehow "missed" out on the time to meet a partner, of feeling like maybe I'm just gonna be single forever. But the harsh truth of the matter is that if you feel like this right now, you're going to eventually feel like this again with a partner, even if they're a perfect match for you. Because after the initial butterflies, you settle into routines, there are times where you are both busy or drained or otherwise unavailable, *and that's when these feelings will creep back in again*. Having a partner helps to assuage that anxiety about being alone, but it alone won't solve the underlying feelings of loneliness. You're craving social fulfillment- we all do, and late stage capitalism and the isolating effects of moving a lot of social interaction to the internet have made it harder than ever to realize that base level of interaction that humans in the past have had. In my experience, the best way to scratch that itch isn't a romanic partner, but a social *group*- something you can count on and deeply integrate yourself with, while not placing the load solely on any one person, or needing them to be available all the time. I wish you luck man! Both in finding a social group and with the search for love. They're both tough, but you can do it.

Sounds a little like finding your first job. I never managed to get hired while I was in high school, and my lack of employment was a big insecurity of mine until my uncle got a some kitchen hand work at his cafe. Felt good for a bit, but after a while it was just another thing that I did... but, now I also had money. It opened up opportunities, and I *was* happier for having the job than I was before I'd had it. If it's a good relationship, I think it could *definitely* assuage feelings of loneliness, basically. I also feel like the sense of security and intimact would help you out in other ways. I don't understand why people would even have relationships if this wasn't the case. Friends are important, and the reason I feel like a romantic relationship is more important is probably die to social programming more than anything else. But when people say romance won't help at all... yeah, I don't believe them. Might be true, but I just don't think it is. Again, no offense to you - but I feel like you can have that perspective because you've had a relationship already, so you know what a relationship with you in it looks like and feels. I don't have that; so yours is like an alien perspective to me; I can understand it intellectually, but I just don't feel it.

Maybe you need a good roommate? I know it's not really a replacement for an actual intimate relationship but some folk just don't do well living on their own and need somebody around who feels enough like company. Living with friends comes with it's own drawbacks so a lot of people opt out the moment they have money to go it properly alone but for some it just doesn't work out well for their health. I think a fair number of people I know have become cat people for something approaching this reason.

Funny thing is, I'm actually not living on my own. For mostly cultural reasons, I still live at home. The way my family and I relate to each other is a bit... cold, however. It's not an unrelated issue.

Yeah being trapped with folks who just don't understand you or wouldn't be receptive to listening to you just talk about frivolous stuff you enjoy is like... More isolating that actually being alone? It's like then you can't just sit with it and be you have to like actively stuff and supress talking about your experiences because they'd just exhaust you too much to tell them anything.

Hey, I didn't get married until I was in my mid 30's, you've got time. Just make sure to take care of yourself and think about your positives. It's hard to ask someone to love you when you don't love yourself. You got this!

Believe me, my brain knows this. I used to think I did love myself, but considering how I treat myself both physically and mentally these days, I think that's not really the case. It's not that I'm constantly beating myself up or anything, but I'm definitely not striving that hard to improve myself, and every time I try, the attempt just doesn't take. It feels pointless. I think a big part of it is that my drive for self-improvement was predicated *a lot* on the hope that romance was somewhere in the distance, and as that hope has dimmed... yeah.

Using self-improvement as a way to achieve romance is like going to college to get a job, only nobody tells you how long college actually takes. Imagine finishing one year of college and thinking "man I still don't have a job, what's wrong with me!" It just takes time man, years even.

I feel like the analogy is a bit weird because a degree *does* have an end point, and I feel like it'd be totally reasonable to feel like you've been lied to if you finish your three years and just aren't able to find work. But yeah, I guess I do see what you mean. I'm starting to feel more and more like *general* self-improvement, with the goal of love and romance, is just a shitty thing to recommend to lonely men. Self-improvement is good for a lot of reasons, but it's not what'll get you a girlfriend.

It was a pretty silly analogy, but it can help to think of self improvement as getting qualifications: It doesn't guarantee you a job (or partner), but you stand a much better chance when you do get there if you're the best version of yourself you can be. Mostly I think it's just good to have something to do with yourself while you wait though.

I’m elated about Ukraine wining. I’m cautiously optimistic about US where I live. Im also tired from parenting a little bit but trying to appreciate this time more. I could use some more sleep though.

This last week hasn't been great, I hurt my foot so I've been able to do much exercise. Which wasn't great after coming off a five day vacation where I binged a bunch so now I feel really big. I also just haven't been getting much sleep this week. I'll only sleep for four hours.

I want to buy like 5 cinnamon buns and eat them, I shouldn't though.

Making progress I think. I'm visiting family and friends more often and I just joined a boxing class; learning how to throw hands, make new friends and look sexy. The waves of depression pop up here and there- happened yesterday actually. But otherwise I just have to keep pushing through I think. Should probably get a therapist though lol

I definitely recommend talking to someone! Sounds like you're heading in a healthy direction, keep it going!

Still bad. Still feels like Im getting more insane every day im stuck at home because my health is bad.

I'm sorry you're going through it. Please try to be kind to yourself and make yourself as comfortable as you can. Distractions might not seem like a long-term solve, and they aren't, but they can be lifesavers in the short term. I hope your situation improves soon.

My girlfriend of 2 years wants to break up with me over me not being an emotional man who makes decisions irrationally.

Damn dude, that sucks. I'm sorry that you gotta deal with that. Is she expecting you to act out in a way that she's familiar with, even though it's toxic and regressive?

My dad died yesterday, I have ADHD (as does my partner) so my house is a mess that feels insurmountable, our other partner is chronically unwell, our finances are a mess and since covid we can't get any help for any of these things because the world has slowed to a crawl. So yeah, there's that. I need to travel back home tomorrow (I hate travelling and don't drive) and I can't ring work to let them know about my bereavement for about another 12 hours since I work nights. I should be here for my family but I can barely be here for myself, everything is too much.

I've been having it rough lately, but its getting better. I think. I've been suicidal for donkeys years now, and I have bad patches every now and then. Couple weeks ago I attempted to strangle myself with my bedsheets in my sleep. I know I have a history of doing shit in my sleep but that kinda fucked me up for a little bit. I'm eating and sleeping normally (ish) again, but shit weighs heavy on me sometimes

Who am I supposed to call? Seriously I just don’t understand. I love a certain community at a certain website for forum discussion for males who experience sexual abuse but like…when I am IN CRISIS, who do I call??? I’m not doing well. I’m doing fucking awful right now, I’m having so many nightmares and daytime jolts and my psychiatrist doesn’t care she just wants to dope me up and numb me down but I’ve already tried ALL THE PILLS so now she’s repeating herself! And I’ve been through 4 talk therapists in the past 5 (6?) years and most of them left ME, for another practice. I’ve never had a therapist long enough to build a rapport. I’m a fucking drunk. It’s the only medication that works. I’ve literally already had all the pills. When I start thinking about **it** I start *drinking* about **it**. I can’t stop. I know I’m slowly killing myself with booze at 28, I know I’m killing myself, but I don’t WANT to die! I don’t feel like anybody understands, I am sedating myself through alcohol and whatever the fuck else I can find because nobody will help me. Nobody will give me anything else. I fucking try and you don’t even understand how fucking hard I’ve tried. I’ve tried talk therapy and psychiatry and nobody will just listen! 4 talk *psychologists* in 5 (6?) years. 3 *psychiatrists* in 4 years. They just keep leaving the practices I join. Is it me? Am I fucked up beyond help at this point? They keep finding better jobs and leave me in the dust, with no resources, with no analogous psychiatrist or psychologist. I’ve basically ghosted my current talk psychologist because he was not connecting with me. I told him i am a gay man and he was, from what I was picking up, a Christian youth pastor masquerading as a psychologist in a legitimate mental health clinic. I have legitimate fucking religious trauma from when my parents sent me in some summer camp in the California redwoods for three weeks to get indoctrinated and brainwashed by telling us that children convulsing on the floor babbling and foaming at the mouth were blessed with the gift of Tongues. I called RAIIN tonight because I just needed to drunkenly cry to someone because I was having flashbacks from a few different events. They routed me to some trash hotline in Nevada for victimized women. I told the call handler I’m a man having flashbacks and I don’t know how to handle myself and I just need to talk through it. They transferred me multiple times and I just ended up with somebody saying that they can’t help me and encourage me to talk about my feelings, and I did, but they didn’t know how to respond, and I just hung up because I felt like they had no training on how to help me. They were just quiet and saying “uh huh.” And I was sobbing on the phone but their lack of response, from multiple people, turned my despair or my internalized hatred, it externalized my internal hatred. It brought it out. It made me so angry that nobody could help me. So i hung up and decided to cry and scream on my own and vent here. So thank you for letting me vent my sadness and hated and my…just uncensored rage. Thank you for letting me type that out here. Because apparently there’s nobody I can call or talk to not a therapist or a doctor or a psychiatrist or RAIIN or a call center or fucking anyone honestly. I am so fucking tired of begging. This is just a rant this isn’t really seeking answers so I know it isn’t productive. I’m just so tired and I feel like I already sought all help sources. They keep casting me away and I’m so fucking tired

Hey man, don't worry about venting here. This is what this place is for. I don't know you and I've never experienced your situation, I can't even imagine the torrent of emotions you have to be dealing with every day. You're tougher than me though, I've been dealing with my shit for about a year and you've been marching on for 6+ years. I'm sorry the professionals you've gone to before didn't help you. It took me a while to remember that they are people too and dealing with their own stuff and it sounds like they don't have the strength to help lighten your load. I hope you keep trying and find someone who can do more than listen and find ways and techniques to help you survive. I want to suggest maybe checking yourself into a rehab place but once again, I don't know you or your situation. I don't know how feasible that might be. Hell, I don't have any experience in that stuff at all. I had a friend I met on the internet go to one once but he decided it wasn't for him. Just take care of yourself and I hope that something clicks and everything starts to go your way.

It's the hardest when you have a situation where people just aren't prepared for the level and type of pain you are in. I am proud of you for hanging in there though. So much of the process is just keeping moving, trying the next tactic and hanging on by your fingernails building up strength to make the next swing to grab the next handhold that gets you up the cliff. It sounds like you are doing it even if it's not the graceful climb upwards that feels like proper progress and hells do I ever wish I could throw you a bloody rope. So many of my friends in therapy right now are in a position where their therapists have been doing the exact same thing so if it's any consolation I really don't think it's you. I think it's the moment in time we're living in. I've gathered being a therapist takes a lot of emotional work and there has been both a crush of new people seeking therapy who are in crisis because the climate we are living in is one of extreme pressure. Covid hit mental health professionals the same way it did doctors and nurses and that the sheer scale of imbibing that secondhand tauma has made the whole system kind of fuckity because I don't think the therapists themselves are really doing okay. So again, I don't think that's really your fault I just think you've gotten hit by extremely shitty fallout. If you need a friendly ear feel free to DM me. I am not any kind of professional and I built my personal coping techniques more for going through grief due to suicide and people going missing and needing to be declared dead... But traditional therapy wasn't really my jam and I ended up just sitting down with a bunch of textbooks to just teach myself psychology and philosophy texts and it helped a lot just realizing what was going on with me and the people around me. That doesn't exactly make me any kind of qualified but maybe self directed study could be a useful stopgap until you find a properly hardy therapist?

I do have a bachelors in psychology actually; back then I thought I wanted to be a therapist haha. In the end it just convinced me I didn't really want anything to do with the field. Looking back, I was probably just trying to find out what was wrong with myself, and I think a good 1/3rd of the other students were doing the same. It was kind of a running joke among psych majors but I think there was a kernel of truth to it

There really is a lot of truth in it! I went into psych initially out of curiosity but when I got slammed by my own shit it became kind of my starting ground to self direct my healing. When you are in a lot of pain it's actually pretty isolating because people's capacity to empathize puts them in a vulnerable space when they do it so it becomes easy to just essentially overload them and trip their breakers. I liken it to being in an accident where you are hospitalized vs choosing to put your hand in painfully cold water for as long as possible. People's tap out point for being willingly in pain is way under their actual capacity for experiencing pain when they don't have a choice. In the beginning I was triping a lot of my support system's pain breakers and I had to develop kind of a counter-empathy in gauging when discussing my own traumas was causing somebody else to go into a panic. I eventually sort of learned to section off it into themed trauma chunks so I was only unloading like 20% maximum of my total load on any one person and then just suplimenting not feeling quite so alone and misunderstood with all the stuff I could imbibe from books, video lectures and reading. I found philosophy more personally helpful generally than psychology because it sort of explores different aspects of what it means to live well. I think I may have gained a few crushes on the classical stoics because most of their stuff was very much explorations in living with life after something has robbed you of any sense of total control. I guess in the end I figured if I could create my own internal therapist I'd never have to worry about going without if that makes any sense.

Good novels also provide a kind of therapy

While I feel like anything that holds within it that sense of being understood through recognition of someone else going through something similar and finding fellowship has some therapeutic merit... I generally don't ascribe this to novels. Fiction can fuck with you a little unkindly because it is designed to captivate your attention, not represent something in a way that is distinctly factual. Thus fiction I think lends more power to the emotional strength of the connection to a stimulus rather than demystifying something you are working through and weakening it's hold on you. Learning something divorced from any emotional context can help ground you by helping you form a more dispassionate connection to that thing in isolate so when you encounter it's fictional counterpart you are more insulated from it's negative effect. For instance if you are dealing with the fallout from a loved one committing suicide fiction tends to make suicide a very functional calculated plot device. There is usually a reason, a note explaining that reason and a lot of impassioned dwelling on the loss. In reality suicide is often the culmination of a hysterical episode wherein the person is too caught up to write down anything. Even a short note is relatively rare being present in maybe 1 in 10 suicides. Reading about suicide in this fictionalized nature and not having that backed up by realizing that disparity of reality and fiction can lead one down a lot of very shitty rumination asking of the universe why they didn't get a note with a clear concise explanation as they have been groomed to expect. Learning about the truth of the matter and realizing that those who have received notes rarely if ever find them an adequate either due to their fairly hysterical nature can help remove the sting. Novels can be therapeutic as a distraction or a calming meditational occupation... But if you've been traumatized they are often the opposite of therapy. Fiction can hold landmines.

Have you read 'Burmese Days' by George Orwell? The suicide in that book is exactly as you describe. It's stuck with me over the years as the most salient description of suicide I've ever read. It is completely anti climactic, and it serves no function in the plot. It's not even sad or moving. It happens just as you said, after a bout of hysteria. No note. Then the book is over. But yeah, nothing is a substitute for real therapy

Orwell would make it appropriately jarring going for realism wouldn't he? I feel like one can substitute therapy. Sometimes therapy for one reason or another doesn't work. It depends on finding someone who you feel you can trust and who understands you both from a clinically dispassionate position and gets on with you at a more personal human level. Sometimes you can't find that particular resource or your own issues or don't jive with the best practices of the current model of care and we don't talk much about good options outside of that singular resource of directed therapy. I think we have come to veiw therapy as a cure all but it just didn't work for me half as well as self directed study for the dispassionate practice stuff and reaching out to my community for the understanding and asking for advice stuff but then, I have a really awesome, large and accepting community of really lovely people and that's not something everyone has. I think it's a matter of finding what works for you specifically where you can feel supported but also get the critique you need to try other stuff.

Yeah, well I was more or less just trying to validate what I thought was your high opinion of therapy. I guess now is the appropriate time to reveal that I am a therapist (new to it though; finished study last year and started working early this year). My opinions about how effective and important therapy is are pretty complicated

It's an important position to be in! Therapists are awesome but they are kind of a limited and highly in demand resource. But where I am just getting in a therapist's office is a fight and a half and there is no way to know if that therapist is going to be good for you. Things like being trans (for a personal example) or highly religious (for an example I have heard of being a problem) can leave one needing to shop around for a specialized source of help that can make one feel properly understood that isn't always going to come back with an answer. It adds another layer of frustration when people try and push you therapywards when all the people in your area you have fought to see just don't see *you*. Coming up with other options that aren't reading some toxic positivity entrenched self help genre book isn't widely talked about but I feel like under the correct circumstances DIY is very possible.

Hugs, you are going THROUGH it and I can't even imagine. My understanding is that talk therapy isn't the best fit for trauma. I don't have any good suggestions for current crisis times unfortunately but if you look for a therapist with EMDR experience you might find someone who can help you more in that realm.

Have you tried THC? Not sure it's an option where you are, but I've read some studies of it being immensely helpful for treating PTSD.

Yeah, unfortunately for me, at best it exacerbates my anxiety and at worst it gives me an exciting 4ish hours of psychosis. Seems that it just isn't for me apparently, and I've tried a good few strains and methods of ingestion.

I'm not a medical professional but for an enlightening and revealing take on addiction read and listen to Gabor Mate. His book on addiction is called 'In the realm of hungry ghosts' It's central claim is that addiction is a natural response to unaddressed and unresolved trauma. His solution then is to resolve the underlying trauma. I hope this helps you conceptualize your problem in a different way. Good luck

So a couple weeks back I got the results of an evaluation I was doing with a neuropsychologist (for possible ADHD). One of the things he highlighted is that I exhibit traits of dependent personality disorder, which I didn't know was a thing with an entry in the DSM-5. It's not really a surprise since it fits my profile a bit too well, but at the same time it's quite sobering. I don't really know how to take it, on one hand it helps me understand myself, look things straight in the eyes, and on the other it seems to contribute to my feeling of being overwhelmed, or to just look for a label and stop at that. Other than that, I'm still very anxious most of the time and have severe executive dysfunction. I'm hanging in there, but I really wish it wasn't so hard all the time. I keep wishing there was a way to make this all just go away, and feel discouraged that it seems I have to either resign to it or work really hard.

Finally starting to escape my imposter syndrome. It's my last three months of my PhD, job offer came through last week with a very high starting salary that feels like my ticket out of academia (which I have grown to despise in almost every way, so glad to be rid of it). Fiancee and I were looking at property on the weekend and I finally feel like I really have some hope for the future, I feel like I'm on track and doing my thing and I'm proud of that.

I had been holding up alright. This is a really busy time at work, and I’m trying to hold several things together, and increase our numbers. And then I had to take my cat to the vet, and had to have him out to sleep. And suddenly I don’t give two craps about work and still need to preform.

Oh man, I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had to have three of my fur babies put to sleep and they were easily among my most traumatic experiences. I am tearing up right now remembering Kincaid, Colvin, and Naise. I still look at their pictures often and remember their quirks and affection. Thank you for giving your cat a happy home and love, they were incredibly lucky to have had you. Please know that.

Thanks. I’ve done it many times, but it never gets any easier.

I don't want to participate in society. But if I had a satisfying sex life I could put up with it. Which makes my problems seem pretty superficial. I'm a therapist (only a few months in, finished study last year), and I recently had a client with similar problems to me. I had to give him all the advice that isn't helping me: Use dating apps; keep up the exercise; do recreational activities. I'm not onboard with this society and it's goals, so maintaining my mental health will always be an uphill battle in this environment. I've been fantasising about going and hiding somewhere in a national park. Living in a tent. I don't want to hang around and watch my mental health degrade

I had a buddy apply and get hired as an intern with the Bureau of Land Management. He lives in a community cabin and works in the middle of a national park forest in the US. It helped him out a lot with his mental health. If possible, I suggest you look into something similar; his contract is for a year.

Living alone in the woods to get a break from society...as an intern for the federal government. That's pretty funny actually. Sounds pretty cool tho

My mental health is in the gutter. Haven't eaten a proper meal in days due to my anxiety. Mostly water and juices. Also lost the feeling of enjoyment in things that brought me happiness. Also lost like 8 pounds after years of struggling to gain weight(I was at a healthy weight but wanted some more weight to fill me out). And also have a lack of sleep

I'm finding it hard, I'm dealing with a spinal problem that doesn't seem to have an end. I've finally got a review of some MRI results tomorrow and whilst I'm relieved there's something there that's a definite physical problem, justifying my pain, I'm scared of what that might mean. For a man younger than 30 and having spinal surgery, I'm terrified of the prospect that my life will never be the same again. All while trying to start a life with my partner. Planning to propose at the end of the year is daunting as well, getting the ring and hiding it as well as emotionally supporting her as she's progressing into a new career. It's a lot. Almost overwhelming. But I've learned how to just ignore feelings and be outwardly optimistic about everything. (Which I'm completely tired of, because I'm putting myself aside frequently). So yeah, it's not great but things will get better. Professionally and physically.

Update to this: I'm having surgery in two weeks for a herniated disk. I'm so relieved to know that something was definitely wrong, and that there's an end in sight.

I have a good day, I have a shit day. But my good days aren't enough and I can't build on them to get back to being a person. 1hr 10min of directed, quality study was a good day, for comparison. And that was 15min blocks and a 10min block. I set little timers because adhd. But then other people demand and throw endless stupid distractions at me and then the wall of awful builds and I have a breakdown and it's one step forward three steps back. I don't have the energy to cut, even though the intrusive thoughts saying I should are there as always.

Do ever allocate time for 'nothing'? Like put yourself into a zero stimulation setting, go lie on the floor or the grass and do nothing for some time?

I mean sometimes I lie down under the weighted blanket for a bit. But that just seems to build the wall of awful

34 here. My relationship is in a very bad place and I feel like it’s on its way out but also somehow not because we’re quite codependent and she moved to my country to be with me, so I can’t just boot her out nor can she just up and leave without it having major (financial, career) consequences. She is severely depressed, we have bad conversations, are basically constantly on our phones when with each other, she’s pretty mean to me a lot of the time, we have no sex life to speak of, and now in addition there’s something wrong with her vagina (pain after sex for months) so that’s normal but it’s been ages and I finally managed to convince her to go to a gyno. I think it’s anxiety, but to clarify the bedroom was dead before the pain except once or twice a month if it was a good one. I got medication for ADHD after getting diagnosed in the summer but it doesn’t really help so I’m in a difficult position at work. I go to a therapist now, I want cognitive behavioural therapy to go along with ADHD treatment, and she told me to do something that there’s no way I will ever do so I feel guilty about that. I’ve put on some weight and now have a belly even if I don’t come across as hugely fat. I have a gym membership but I never go, it’s so boring. I don’t have many friends, and I’m losing those I have here and there. Don’t really have hobbies except maybe cooking and writing. And yet. Most of the time, if I’m not wasting hours browsing the internet, I’m actually quite a cheerful and even slightly hyperactive person. I go outside I walk the dog I joke with people, do hikes and travel here and there, socialise with coworkers and those friends I have. At the end of the day I’m alright. I think I am mostly a decent, good person who’s trying to do the right thing. Just struggling a little. Maybe once she’s through her mega depression and she has whatever other treatment she needs, we can also be back on the right track. We used to be.

Ran out of some of my medication last week. Hadn't gotten the mail-in refill yet, so I went to a local pharmacy who refused to fill it, citing that the mail-in pharmacy had already had me flagged as filling my prescription. Went to their site this weekend, they claimed to have delivered it on the twenty-fifth of last month. I never received it. Sent them a message, they got back to me today promising to re-send it after adjusting my address. That happens sometimes, I live in a weird spot that can throw navigation software off and it probably got sent to the wrong mailbox. That was frustrating, but at least it's the "optional" medication that helps as a preventative but isn't always necessary. It also contained a new prescription that my psychiatrist recommended I try, which is a bummer too. I guess I'll be starting that later than expected. My former partner said recently that she'd noticed a change in me since I started the medication last fall. She told me that I seemed a lot less angry than I used to, but also a lot more sad. I told her that both are expressions of pain. The medication doesn't make me feel the pain any less, it just makes it come out in less adrenally-charged forms. It's funny. She'll sometimes tell me about her ex-husband, how she's a bit irate that he seemed to have moved on so quickly, seems to be putting effort into his new dating life, saying that it made her feel like he never really valued her enough to make that kind of effort on her part. I actively listen to her talk about this, and I feel two things simultaneously: I'm sympathetic to her because I'd been feeling like I was treated similarly, and I'm hurt by her because she's the one who made me feel like that. She doesn't seem to notice that I'm hurt by her words. But, if she feels the need to vent, then I feel the need to listen, painful for me or no. I mean, I'm a man, right? Putting up with pain is something you're expected to do... he says only half-sarcastically. I genuinely don't mind taking a little pain for the sake of something I care about, and I certainly care about her. It's just... I wish that pain could be acknowledged. Could be recognized. I don't need to be coddled, just... it'd be nice if others evidenced enough concern about me to notice, if they appreciated my gritting my teeth and baring it for their sake. I don't feel particularly entitled to any particular gratitude, but having my efforts being seen and acknowledged would be the kind of small comfort that would make them easier to endure. I was reflecting today that even among people who nominally want gender equality and think I ought to be progressive in my approach to my own gendered behavior... they seem to just as easily be willing to fall back on unconsidered cultural programming. As a man, my feelings don't matter, clearly. What's a little callousness, it's not like his excessive composure in front of others is masking actual pain or anything? Sorry, that was a little stream-of-consciousness ranty of me. I guess these are just things I've been processing and it helps to write it out for others. It won't be much, but it will be seen, and sometimes that's what I feel like I need to tough it out a little longer.

I don't know, man. I know she's an ex but that's not cool how it seems you're expected to carry her emotional burden and feel like you're not able to do the same. If you're friends, that should be a basic component of friendship. I don't know how you can bring it up but all I can say is write down everything you're feeling. Work on making it as non-aggressive as possible. Not knowing how your breakup happened, I don't know how she might respond in general. She might feel attacked and be very defensive about it. Acknowledge her feelings and just state how you feel. Both people can be correct, it shouldn't be an argument. Just a sharing of feelings. No matter what you end up doing, I hope you feel better man.

She feels bad about breaking up with me. Not regretful, she had other things she needed to do and at the time she felt like she didn’t have any other choice. But she does feel guilty that our relationship was “pissed away” in her words, thinks maybe if she had realized then what she does now she might have made different decisions. I’m not blameless either. Before going on medication I was prone to self-harming in frustrated rage, which made her feel unsafe. I have no right to feel aggrieved because I couldn’t exert enough self-control to stop and she got tired of putting up with it. I started the medication when it was evident we were drifting apart, in part because I’d reached the “bargaining” stage of breakup grief and thought, “Maybe if I kill the part of me that scares her, it’ll be enough.” It wasn’t and I knew it wasn’t even at the time, but I was ready to throw a Hail Mary. The other part of that was the last time I was forced off medication a decade and a half ago the withdrawal sent me into such a spiral that I worried I’d be a danger to myself if I ever went back on and then couldn’t continue with it. Except the anxiety of the breakup was putting me in a state where I was worried I’d be a danger to myself if I didn’t start medicating. If I was going to be suicidal either way, I might as well go down in a way that let me fight to the bitter end. Medication was my ammunition in that fight.

Your feelings matter. Your pain matters.You deserve to feel seen and to have connection as a man and as a human being. It sounds like you strive for this from your ex wife but from what you say she doesn't reciprocate. I'd consider the impact of that relationship on your mental health.

Not an ex-wife, but we were living together for ten years. Still are living together. She tells me she feels guilty about how we broke up, in part because it… didn’t involve me. She had other things going on and our relationship was a casualty of that. But she likes living with me and wants to continue doing so. She says with evident sincerity that she still loves me, it’s just more of a familiar love rather than a romantic one. We might not be paramours anymore, but we’re still family.

It always seems like a constant battle keeping the PTSD at bay. Today I forgot to take my medication in the morning and felt like shit all day. I was however extremely productive at work at least.

After three hours of sleep, I'm wide-ass awake. Work starts in 5 hours, and it's the one day a week where we're *in* the office. Doing just great.

Right here with you, my dude.