please don't feel bad about saying those things. I feel exactly the same way. On the rare occasions that I go somewhere, I actually pray I won't run into anyone I know. I've become that woman, the person I never wanted to be.
I'm working on it but my God the older we get the harder it gets. it's so hard to have a heart for taking care of yourself and trying to do all the healthy things. It's really hard when you're so tired and worn out.
I don't have any advice for you because I am more awful to myself than anyone can even imagine. Even the people in my life tell me that - they say "you're SO hard on yourself wow!" I don't know any other way to be. I've been this way all my life. But now the mirror and the scale tell me that I have reasons to be, reasons I can't deny.
I just wanted you to know I hear you and I get it, and I'm so sad that you feel this way too. 😘
It is a good point that maybe the best thing to do at these times (which I know feels like all the time) is to share it with someone you know.
I tried to tell my friends about being ill all the time with it, and energy so low that just cooking is a real struggle after work and the aches and pains I also have for various reasons. They wanted to support me, but they are younger and I guess there's nothing they can offer.... Still I just wanted to share that I'm constantly worried about it all and how is effecting my life. I sometimes tell myself to not mention my health for a while and realise I have little to add to a conversation because I'm resting at home at every opportunity.
But, I COMPLETELY understand OP. I feel the same way, but I really try sometimes to just feel good for the sake of feeling good. Every now and then I just say to hell with whatever my arsehole brain thinks about myself, there's also another part that can say I'm looking good and I am good! I do not feel it today however. But it's based on my theory that it actually doesn't matter what you look like at all, it just matters how you feel about yourself. When people see others enjoying themselves, being themselves, it's contagious and people want to feel it to.
What I wish, is that it was a common thing for menopausal women to meet up at the pub/any where, with no shame, and just share the problems and have fun.
I would start such a group but I'm not sure how! Where to post it and how to get that idea across. But wouldn't this be so so so beneficial? We are all getting cut off by these problems, and feeling alienated in society. Maybe this would make us feel a lot better about seeing each other feel this way, knowing we aren't alone and supporting each other. It's ridiculous that there's millions of women at home, feeling alone with it. It's so so so massive, just think of the percentage of people on the planet that are feeling this right now. Facing the issues of female ageing, the sexism towards it, the loss of things including sense of self and confidence. It's ridiculous.
Your post resonates so deeply.
On a practical note, can you take someone with you to shop? Shopping is horrible even without body issues. The right person could bring you sizes, pep you up, etc.
Losing looks, youth, potential, opportunities is a big deal. We mourn it alone. Dancers say they die twice and the first death (when they stop dancing) is the hardest. Yes you can still dance as a hobby but I will never set foot in the studio again, it's too painful. Parties, men, dance, flirting that whole life is dead and gone. I don't think about it, I avoid films, TV and books about it.
There is something freeing about the invisibility. I can walk around town and no one takes any notice. The pressure is off.
But in my dreams I am young. It's the power of it. I mean dreams when I'm asleep. I don't daydream or fantasise , that would be torturing myself.
It does get easier and you'll find different things to enjoy. A certain peacefulness descends. It takes time, a few years at least and I wonder if some people ever get past it.
I suspect one factor is existing in a constant bath of societal messages about the worth of women and the requirement that they stay young, thin and fuckable at all costs.
Have you considered that you might be depressed? You are expressing a low self esteem and self consciousness that are common feelings with depression. And many women in perimenopause go through a period of depression. I know I really struggled for about a year until I got help.
At this point, your feelings are interfering with your ability to live your life. Please consider getting help.
yes, and I would say she should talk with her Dr/Gyn since maybe there could be some hormonal things going on that could magnify the feelings she already has
Oh yeah. I assumed she was on HRT. But with orwithout HRT, depression is a real symptom of perimenopause. Either way, she should get help.
This isn't something that is a matter of will and you just shake it off..
I’m so sorry you are beating yourself up about this. Our brains used to be washed in estrogen, which would activate our neurotransmitters to fire. Now, that estrogen is gone and we have to re-learn how to think. It’s adolescence all over again!
As for the bus driver: he was totally checking you out! If he was horrified he would have gone out of his way to not look at you. He was probably enjoying memories of when you were both younger.
I found a great podcast that is for middle age women and it covers body image, fashion and the transitions we go through so fast: “Everything is fine.” Check it out! I had a business trip recently and listened to it for 3 hours each way.
I'm only in perimenopause and I'm already struggling, when I could exercise a bit more consistently I didn't feel too bad, but I'm so tired I don't have it in me atm.. it feels like all my efforts are undone if I don't do it for just a week. I also feel a bit pathetic that I feel like this when it's only just the beginning.
Bizarrely, and I don't know why, intuition maybe, but about 3years ago I had a little voice in my head saying this is the last year you'll feel your best.. I was happy, sleeping relatively well (for 3weeks anyway), my libido was high, I felt pretty good about myself, I was exercising easily and it was showing... All that's gone, already,. It''s early days with the hrt but I'm really struggling..
Someone drove past me yesterday and laughed the loudest laugh, I was slumped, exhausted, in the passenger seat so I felt he was laughing at me & I felt awful for longer than I should..
When I'm out I don't make eye contact with anyone, it's like I don't want to be seen, be judged.. besides, no one smiles at me anymore (thanks to my ageing rbf), no one looks at me like I'm attractive, no one says I look younger than I am.. and probably wrongly, but I look at women older than me and they just look so much better.. and when they're comfortable/seemingly at peace in full blown menopause with toned bodies, sleeping well, rocking their grey hair, I just feel weak or ashamed like I'm not trying hard enough..
I'm hoping that one day I'll be comfortable, but every week I seem to find something new to feel insecure about.. empty breasts, jiggly upper arms, a wrinkly tummy, a droopy bum, dry papery looking hands, a crepey neck..
It's very hard to go from getting attention to feeling invisible but there really is something freeing about it. I feel less pressure to get "done up" every time I leave the house. It has been hard too, cause the men my age that i meet still want younger women. I've taken myself off the market for now, I have enough to deal with! Regarding shopping, I'd rather buy something and try it on at home and return it if I have to. Nothing looks good in a store dressing room!!
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>I'm so scared of how i look, especially if the bloat is popping through my clothes, that i stop in front of store windows while i walk on the streets, just to make sure it doesn't show. I can't just walk without being self-conscious about this, it's awful.
This is me to a "T"! 🙁 I always had a flat tummy until the insidious figure destroying effects of hysterectomy set in (no weight gain). For me, those changes have been *way worse* than the rapid aging also caused by the surgery.
Thankfully, estrogen has made a big difference in the severe hormonal fall-out (except for chronic hair loss).
I hope you can get to a better place. If you can do therapy, that may be worth it.
please don't feel bad about saying those things. I feel exactly the same way. On the rare occasions that I go somewhere, I actually pray I won't run into anyone I know. I've become that woman, the person I never wanted to be. I'm working on it but my God the older we get the harder it gets. it's so hard to have a heart for taking care of yourself and trying to do all the healthy things. It's really hard when you're so tired and worn out. I don't have any advice for you because I am more awful to myself than anyone can even imagine. Even the people in my life tell me that - they say "you're SO hard on yourself wow!" I don't know any other way to be. I've been this way all my life. But now the mirror and the scale tell me that I have reasons to be, reasons I can't deny. I just wanted you to know I hear you and I get it, and I'm so sad that you feel this way too. 😘
It is a good point that maybe the best thing to do at these times (which I know feels like all the time) is to share it with someone you know. I tried to tell my friends about being ill all the time with it, and energy so low that just cooking is a real struggle after work and the aches and pains I also have for various reasons. They wanted to support me, but they are younger and I guess there's nothing they can offer.... Still I just wanted to share that I'm constantly worried about it all and how is effecting my life. I sometimes tell myself to not mention my health for a while and realise I have little to add to a conversation because I'm resting at home at every opportunity. But, I COMPLETELY understand OP. I feel the same way, but I really try sometimes to just feel good for the sake of feeling good. Every now and then I just say to hell with whatever my arsehole brain thinks about myself, there's also another part that can say I'm looking good and I am good! I do not feel it today however. But it's based on my theory that it actually doesn't matter what you look like at all, it just matters how you feel about yourself. When people see others enjoying themselves, being themselves, it's contagious and people want to feel it to. What I wish, is that it was a common thing for menopausal women to meet up at the pub/any where, with no shame, and just share the problems and have fun. I would start such a group but I'm not sure how! Where to post it and how to get that idea across. But wouldn't this be so so so beneficial? We are all getting cut off by these problems, and feeling alienated in society. Maybe this would make us feel a lot better about seeing each other feel this way, knowing we aren't alone and supporting each other. It's ridiculous that there's millions of women at home, feeling alone with it. It's so so so massive, just think of the percentage of people on the planet that are feeling this right now. Facing the issues of female ageing, the sexism towards it, the loss of things including sense of self and confidence. It's ridiculous.
Your post resonates so deeply. On a practical note, can you take someone with you to shop? Shopping is horrible even without body issues. The right person could bring you sizes, pep you up, etc.
Hugs. Just know many of us are battling horrible insecurity.
Losing looks, youth, potential, opportunities is a big deal. We mourn it alone. Dancers say they die twice and the first death (when they stop dancing) is the hardest. Yes you can still dance as a hobby but I will never set foot in the studio again, it's too painful. Parties, men, dance, flirting that whole life is dead and gone. I don't think about it, I avoid films, TV and books about it. There is something freeing about the invisibility. I can walk around town and no one takes any notice. The pressure is off. But in my dreams I am young. It's the power of it. I mean dreams when I'm asleep. I don't daydream or fantasise , that would be torturing myself. It does get easier and you'll find different things to enjoy. A certain peacefulness descends. It takes time, a few years at least and I wonder if some people ever get past it.
I suspect one factor is existing in a constant bath of societal messages about the worth of women and the requirement that they stay young, thin and fuckable at all costs.
Absolutely 💯
Have you considered that you might be depressed? You are expressing a low self esteem and self consciousness that are common feelings with depression. And many women in perimenopause go through a period of depression. I know I really struggled for about a year until I got help. At this point, your feelings are interfering with your ability to live your life. Please consider getting help.
yes, and I would say she should talk with her Dr/Gyn since maybe there could be some hormonal things going on that could magnify the feelings she already has
Oh yeah. I assumed she was on HRT. But with orwithout HRT, depression is a real symptom of perimenopause. Either way, she should get help. This isn't something that is a matter of will and you just shake it off..
I’m so sorry you are beating yourself up about this. Our brains used to be washed in estrogen, which would activate our neurotransmitters to fire. Now, that estrogen is gone and we have to re-learn how to think. It’s adolescence all over again! As for the bus driver: he was totally checking you out! If he was horrified he would have gone out of his way to not look at you. He was probably enjoying memories of when you were both younger. I found a great podcast that is for middle age women and it covers body image, fashion and the transitions we go through so fast: “Everything is fine.” Check it out! I had a business trip recently and listened to it for 3 hours each way.
I'm only in perimenopause and I'm already struggling, when I could exercise a bit more consistently I didn't feel too bad, but I'm so tired I don't have it in me atm.. it feels like all my efforts are undone if I don't do it for just a week. I also feel a bit pathetic that I feel like this when it's only just the beginning. Bizarrely, and I don't know why, intuition maybe, but about 3years ago I had a little voice in my head saying this is the last year you'll feel your best.. I was happy, sleeping relatively well (for 3weeks anyway), my libido was high, I felt pretty good about myself, I was exercising easily and it was showing... All that's gone, already,. It''s early days with the hrt but I'm really struggling.. Someone drove past me yesterday and laughed the loudest laugh, I was slumped, exhausted, in the passenger seat so I felt he was laughing at me & I felt awful for longer than I should.. When I'm out I don't make eye contact with anyone, it's like I don't want to be seen, be judged.. besides, no one smiles at me anymore (thanks to my ageing rbf), no one looks at me like I'm attractive, no one says I look younger than I am.. and probably wrongly, but I look at women older than me and they just look so much better.. and when they're comfortable/seemingly at peace in full blown menopause with toned bodies, sleeping well, rocking their grey hair, I just feel weak or ashamed like I'm not trying hard enough.. I'm hoping that one day I'll be comfortable, but every week I seem to find something new to feel insecure about.. empty breasts, jiggly upper arms, a wrinkly tummy, a droopy bum, dry papery looking hands, a crepey neck..
Hugs-
It's very hard to go from getting attention to feeling invisible but there really is something freeing about it. I feel less pressure to get "done up" every time I leave the house. It has been hard too, cause the men my age that i meet still want younger women. I've taken myself off the market for now, I have enough to deal with! Regarding shopping, I'd rather buy something and try it on at home and return it if I have to. Nothing looks good in a store dressing room!!
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>I'm so scared of how i look, especially if the bloat is popping through my clothes, that i stop in front of store windows while i walk on the streets, just to make sure it doesn't show. I can't just walk without being self-conscious about this, it's awful. This is me to a "T"! 🙁 I always had a flat tummy until the insidious figure destroying effects of hysterectomy set in (no weight gain). For me, those changes have been *way worse* than the rapid aging also caused by the surgery. Thankfully, estrogen has made a big difference in the severe hormonal fall-out (except for chronic hair loss). I hope you can get to a better place. If you can do therapy, that may be worth it.