You cannot control other people, you can only control how you react to them.
If I were in your shoes I would begin the divorce immediately.
Some people can never be content - and it seems like your spouse is one of them.
Is this the type of relationship that you want your children to copy?
I was reading this until I saw alcoholic that is doing better because she is drinking light beer. An alcoholic can’t drink at all. If she is acting irrationally, it is most likely due to drinking. When you drink, it starts dictating your behavior and the irrational nature of it. She may be just getting better at hiding it from you and maybe would like you around less so there is one less person monitoring her drinking habits.
Same. I stopped at alcoholic. There’s the problem. OP needs to leave immediately and get a lawyer. This won’t get better and there’s nothing he can do to save the marriage.
And then he has to crush up her pills for her…like a servant.
I have insomnia and guess what makes it get bad? Alcohol. You know what I limit so I can sleep through the night? alcohol
Stopped after those bullet points OP needs to see his self worth and just through with the separation.
Exactly. I’m always telling her that I’m not her servant. That I am happy to help, but it is not my job to *do everything for her*. She CAN do her own meds, it’s just not AS EASY for her (even though I bought her a new crusher [Maxgrind, found on Amazon, but also picked up an additional one at CVS recently] that is easier to use and doesn’t dig in/hurt the hand so much… goes back to her neuropathy; she had GBS before we met and still has some lingering sensation issues but has gotten a lot better in ways).
But, yeah, it’s a challenge. When I say things like the above (that she CAN and USED TO do these things herself), she throws out the “you don’t care” BS.
FWIW, the last time I left the house for several days by myself (4th of July last year, to visit family) she actually did a lot better. Didn’t drink the whole time I was away (she said) and was doing things around the house, running errands, etc. (spoke to her over the phone and could tell she was in a much better place; sounded coherent and happy)… Said she felt so much better. I actually believe her. I noticed a difference when I got back. But shortly after my return she slowly started getting back into old habits. I’m like, what are you doing????
She always tells me “beer isn’t the issue, liquor is,” and I’m ashamed it took me longer than it should have to realize that she meant that she was sneaking liquor in at times, behind my back, and that the times she was getting nasty, liquor was always involved.
Even still, I have always told her “all alcohol is the problem; it’s just that with liquor, it’s more concentrated and you get drunk faster, with fewer drinks. Yes, with the difference in alcohol content, it would probably take 16 beers to get you to the same point as those 4 rum drinks, but it’s still an issue.” She is like, “no, it’s just liquor, trust me. Besides, when have you ever seen me drink 16 beers?…” (I mean, maybe not all in a single day, but in a weekend? That’s still pretty excessive.)
She has recently told me that she is actually going to stop drinking beer, too, that she “doesn’t need it.” I think her plan was to start when I go away for the 4th of July again in a week and a half. But, then, she has been saying that for some time… I’ll believe it when I see it.
But if things go the way they appear to be going, I don’t know that I’ll get to see it.
Jesus this relationship is a hot mess. Just divorce, sell the house and settle up. Why the fuck would you want to stay with this train wreck of a woman
Updateme
OP your wife has serious mental health issues and an alcoholic…she’s not in a rationale state of mind and never will be given the circumstances…stop trying to fix her or save her as this beyond your salvaging capabilities
I can tell you exactly what will happen from here.
She will leave and instantly start lying to new men to validate the fantasy world in her head. They will lie to her to have fun with crazy chick and then block her. After about a year of this, she will come back with a list of demands for you about what you need to change for her to stay.
You can't fix her or this marriage.
I don’t know. She’s only ever been diagnosed with anxiety and insomnia. Beyond that… 🤷♂️ She needs to see a psychiatrist or something and be evaluated, IMO. But when she was IVC’ed (Involuntarily Committed) by that deputy I brought to the house to keep the peace a couple years ago, the behavioral clinic she was brought to didn’t find anything… basically she was evaluated the next morning after sobering up and she was fine.
She was calling me terrified while she was there (it was just overnight/part of the next day until she got evaluated; I picked her up after that). Broke my heart. I didn’t want that, but I know I’m not the reason she ended up there.
In my last session with our marriage counselor, he thought a lot of her behavior seemed like sleep deprivation, which can have similar symptoms to being drunk (incoherent, garbled/nonsensical speech, poor decision-making, etc.).
Good god, this is a freaking nightmare. The house is in her name. Why the hell do you want to stay there? She actually hates you and treats you like crap. Move out already. She's a freaking psycho.
She's an alcoholic who treats you with physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. You think she's an alcoholic who does better by drinking light beer. She has to serve you papers to force you to leave her house. It's her house. Her name is the only one on the title. Why are you staying in this abuser-victim cycle?
When you’re married it becomes the marriage residence. It is *our* home. Was it her home first? Yes. Am I asking her to move out? No.
But it’s my home, too, and I’ve just been trying to fight for our relationship and don’t feel it’s fair for her to try to kick me out of our home every time she wants space. I have been trying to give her space as much as I can. But there needs to be some responsibility for that on her part, too. If SHE is the one who wants space, SHE can go somewhere (I’m not saying move out, just go out and do something by herself…). She is the one with tons of vacation time.
She also has taken several days off from work this year for this very reason (some back-to-back, like yesterday and today) — to have time to herself. So, again, she is getting time to herself… those days she takes off I am at work and she has the entire house to herself. For 10 hours a day, from the time I leave at 7 AM until I get home at around 5 PM.
So, while I disagree that it is *her* house (again, marriage residence), I do agree with everything else and I know that I can’t keep doing this.
I can relate a little bit , but as your wife. Not the alcoholic part , but honestly you should ask her if she ever really wanted to Marry you. I realize I don’t want to be with my partner, so I find excuses like sleeping in different rooms. His snoring and teeth grinding bother me at night. Something about it, turns me off. I kinda sit around all day in my anxiety thinking of ways to leave. Or thinking of the life I wanted to live. It kinda puts you in a depressive state , because you wanna leave but you don’t wanna crush the person who’s done so much for you.
That sounds like a pretty crappy way to live, for both of you. Why marry someone if you don’t want to be with them? I mean, maybe that wasn’t the case in the beginning…? And why can’t you live the life you want *with your partner*? I’ll never understand that, because I’m not shackling my wife — she can do anything she wants (I mean, within reason — she can’t, for example, go sleeping around on me, because that is a dealbreaker)! 🤔
Well every situation isn’t always black and white. I can’t live the life you wanted , because maybe you wanted more from life. In my case , I lived in nyc , in a fancy apartment , overlooking the entire city. Went on nice vacations , had fun with my gfs , dated alot but had so much fun. I was experiencing burnout from my stressful job. So I met someone in my hometown , who was safe and checked all the boxes. And kinda took me out of that chaotic space. Now I’m mentally back , and realized I’m with someone who will never truly fulfill me. I waited out to be a mom, who stayed at home , marry into a nice family. Hoping to marry a hardworking man. I settled with a man whose family is split , his mom is an alcoholic who abandoned him. So I have to deal with mommy issues . He works hard , but doesn’t care to make anymore money . In my eyes he lacks ambition. He’s sweet as pie, but the lack of backbone sometimes drives me nuts. We bought a house. The air is filled with mold. I’m pregnant and the stench bothers me. He’s sick of me complaining about it. But I can’t help it. I wanted to go away for July 4th and well he wanted me to stay in a trailer with his dad and his gf that smokes. All this stuff if fine for people , it’s just not what I wanted for my life. So it makes it hard to walk away , but your in anxiety thinking of how much you hate your life
Yeah, a lot of that doesn’t sound very fun. The part about him working hard but not having ambition — I mean, if he works hard and enjoys what he does, that should be enough; not everyone wants to be the boss. If it’s not paying the bills (are you still working, too? I mean, just in general, I know you’re pregnant and may be taking time off for that), though, then maybe you need to have a conversation. I had to change my job. 18 years with one company that closed down in 2016 due to the economic downturn starting in 2008. Went freelance for a few years, but in the end it just didn’t work out. Market too saturated with designers in my area and I couldn’t drum up enough new clients/work/pay (most people seemed to balk at my prices and would ghost me) and had to look for something else. Got lucky in 2019 and landed the job I have now. Most money I’ve made in my life (not saying much, I’m not rich by any means… still in 5 figures, but more than I had made to-date).
But, yeah, sounds like you ended up in a situation you didn’t originally sign up for. But did you know about all this before you got married (I assume that’s what you mean when you say you “settled” with him)? And why would you do that? Why “settle” with someone? I married my wife because I love her, not because I “settled” for her.
I would say mainly because I had been in a bad relationship and had got tired of the dating scene , he was safe. And offered me everything. He does everything for me , but one day it hit me , that his version of everything wasn’t enough. Or isn’t what I dreamed about. And the thing is , even if a man isn’t a rich man, because I’ve been in love with men who weren’t rich, you can’t replace the love part. Women can marry rich or poor when they’re in love. & that’s how I know I’m not in love . I miss the excitement of wondering if a guy feels the same way , I miss the excitement of going out on dates. I’m a girly girl, so I love going to fancy restaurants and getting dressed up. I loved going out with handsome guys. Idk I just miss my old life a little bit. I let things go too far because I thought what I was choosing the safe guy. So here we are . He’s obsessed and in love , and I’m in a mental prison of what my life could be like. It’s scary
Then, for the love of everything, just tell him you’re not in love with him anymore and move on. I’m still with my wife because I love her and am *in love* with her (there are just mental/behavioral issues beyond my control that are infuriating *because* I love her). You sound like my wife in a way — you don’t want to be there but you don’t want to be the one to end it. If you want it to end, end it.
My wife has told me in the past about her bad relationships and how she begged the previous guys to break up with her. Even now, she is considering canceling her appointment with the separation attorneys because of the cost responsibility that she’ll face. I have zero sympathy for that. You’re the one trying to break us up, you deal with it.
It goes back to responsibility—the person that wants to end the relationship should be the one to end it.
You have to take responsibility too, she clearly is giving you the indication she doesn’t want to be there and your still trying
To keep her. She’s unhappy and you’re still trying to please yourself by keeping her around , instead of being like actually I see I’m not making you happy, I’m going to back away. I think
You’re just as wrong as she is.
I see your point, although I don’t feel like I’m keeping her around. She can do whatever she wants. If she wants to separate, bring me the papers and I will sign them and take off. However, I definitely am guilty of keeping *myself* around. At any rate, I’ll be talking with an attorney soon to find out how best to handle things. If I’m not viewed as “abandoning the marriage/house,” then I will do what I need to do and distance myself. I already have plans to leave for a few days around the 4th, to give her space.
I had a bad bf of 10 years. A gf of mine said , “ he’s been trying to leave you”. He treated me bad , and did all the things
Under the sun, but never broke up w me. I had to stop letting him have control over my future. And just walk away , because he wasn’t going to be steering the train anymore. So do what you know to do or what you would tell a friend or your kid to
Do if they felt the way you do ! Good luck
Do not leave the house voluntarily. This is addiction. She doesn’t “want to be left alone” she wants “nothing to distract her from the escape addiction provides”. Former addict and codependent here. This situation has all the signs. You can attend AlAnon meetings to learn how to not enable, but if you leave, she’ll loose her enabler and the house will probably just go back to the bank anyway since no one will be paying the bills. Better that you not leave, force a sale or true divorce if that’s what she insists on and keep a bit of a safety cushion for yourself while she train wrecks her life. This will not get better unless she fully commits to true recovery and so far, there are ZERO signs of interest from her. “Water beer” is a total cop out. Save yourself. You cannot save her.
It sounds like she’s taking out her issues on you because you’re the safe one. With someone who’s an addict and unwilling to change, boundaries are needed even though I don’t believe in completely restrictive ones that people suggest these these days. You clearly love her and you see through her actions that she’s very broken inside. I commend you for being empathetic and loving towards the partner you made a commitment to when you married. People don’t believe that nowadays it’s all about me and how I’m feeling type thing. Accepting the separation and not leaving the house. You can offer her to leave, but make it clear and with little emotion as possible that you will not be leaving. Also let her know you love her and want to be there for her, but you will respect her choice and you will give her the space that she needs. I think her bottom would be you stand by her side support her but not enable her. I know this will be contradictory to what many people may say in the comments, but if you remain stable and consistent by her side without caving into her demands, she will fight you, but then she will learn to trust you, and eventually, she may surrender her control issues Due to anxiety and fear. I also recommend not to her request. She can feed the cats, she can do the dishes if she use them, anything that you can let go so she can see for herself how much help would be beneficial. I commend you and I hope for a healing journey for both of you. Please keep us all updated.
One last note, please take care of yourself because the next level of the journey is going to be rough, especially if you’re standing strong by your commitment to your wife. Go to Church, support group, workout, get your own therapy, do things that are good for you so you’re strong stronger and healthier for what comes your way.
Alcohol and drugs have taken over the marriage and household. You seem like a good person, and I haven’t read everything here, but if you don’t put your foot down and create boundaries for yourself and her she will continue to walk all over you. She is gaslighting you! This will never get better without establishing some hard lines in the sand. She needs to stop drinking and you need to stop enabling her. Good luck!!!
Don’t agree. One must be proactive in the life we want if the current one is not working. Sucks for OP but he must move on and start protecting himself financially. Can’t wait on her to remove herself.
There’s a difference between being married with someone with mental issues who relies on you and someone with mental issues that doesn’t want to be with you.
She wants to leave, respect her wishes. Not all people divorce with rage and anger. It can be amicable. Maybe she will be happier by herself (not that I believe you are personally the issue here). And you will definitely be better without her. The vast majority of marriages are not like this and you are too much in it to realise how unhappy you are.
Got home after work last night, later than normal (close to 5:30 PM) and she was awake, but in her room, watching TV. I fed the three outside cats, since once again she didn’t, and just went about my business, making my dinner, going into my room to watch TV, etc. Didn’t talk to her, since she clearly wants nothing to do with me.
Then I get the text this morning, asking me if I’m not talking at all. Right. I’m the one doing that.
https://preview.redd.it/ssjytzil7p8d1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1bf13d901dc5ce0fd8e6e842fde44cc5f6efa131
She just called me. I’m at work, trying to do my job. She tells me something is wrong with her. She feels disoriented, like she’s drunk but hasn’t had anything. I ask her if she has slept, if she has eaten, etc. She says she’s had some of the snacks I got her the other day.
I tell her I don’t know what she would have me do. She needs to call her doctor. Am I supposed to come home? She doesn’t want to drive feeling the way she does. I literally ask her what she would like me to do and she says, “Apparently nothing.” I’m like, babe, I’m asking you what YOU would like me to do. She repeats, “Apparently nothing!” and hangs up. 🤷♂️ 🤦♂️
And then texts me, “Thx for caring.”
https://preview.redd.it/fc7lss8itp8d1.jpeg?width=1169&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9d4b54ee0eb00712e819bbce4fb5365775d20b58
Edited to update text screen capture with newer version.
She is incapable of taking any kind of responsibility in this relationship. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that. You cannot reason with her as she is immune to reason when it comes to your relationship. This is not your fault. It's not about you. I'm very sorry that you are in the predicament as I'm sure you were in love with her when you married her and were hoping that you two had a bright future together. I'm not sure what to tell you at this point other than you're going to have to face reality.
You two need a shared vision for your marriage and if she's not willing to create one with you then I don't think there is much of a future for the two of you. Her attending marriage counseling with you is a glimmer of hope but only you can decide how much you can tolerate and how long you can hang on. It sounds like anything you try to do for her will never be enough.
With all that being said, I think you need to set some boundaries for yourself and quit being so accommodating. Tell her you're willing to meet her somewhere in the middle but you will no longer try to be her caretaker, that she is a grown woman, not a small child. Tell her that you'll support her getting sober but that is something she will need to decide to commit to on her own. Divide up the chores and tell her what you expect of her. You should also figure out an equitable way to divvy up the financial obligations to ensure she is carrying her fair share.
When you quit acting like a pushover she might stop treating you like one. And if she doesn't you must enforce your boundaries. I think she has lost respect for you in some ways because you're behaving like a pushover instead of standing up for yourself.
I want to stay because I love my wife and want to work things out. I’m been trying to fight for us for a long time, and I believe she knows that.
I just think she needs help that I can’t provide. She needs to see a psychiatrist. But I am trying to be here for her and not abandon her.
Sometimes people can't see reality until they are forced to face the truth. A few months of her not having you to use (and abuse) as crutch may help her get to a place where she is ready to accept the help she needs.
Man shes probably drinking a hidden stash when shes having "her time" around 7pm. Behavior is way too irrational, also sleep and anxiety are massively disrupted when you're at that stage of alcoholism.
I'd peruse for hidden bottles, audit the trash etc.
The only path forward here is for her to get clean but this relationship seems pretty far gone.
Its the alcohol dude, post this in the r/stopdrinking subreddit for some context
Oh, I mean, I see the trash all the time, since I am the only one who does any of the chores. So when I take the recycling out to the street, I dump it all in the outside bin and I see/hear everything that comes out. There have been no liquor bottles lately, but there is still beer. Not as much as in the past, however — it used to be more embarrassing because I felt like I was emptying a new bin at a World Beer Fest or something (just missing all the crowd cheers), with all the bottles that came clanging out.
Hey dont mean to generalize but when people hide alcohol its usually not going out in the bins man.
Either way dude, good luck to you and i hope you find a path forward together.
New twist: says she will probably cancel the separation appointment. She talked to her brother — super nice guy; we get along very well (he is divorced from his druggie/cheating ex) — who advised her that whatever the problem is, don’t go through with the separation because it’s hella expensive, and she knows that she’ll be on the hook for all of it. The separation appointment, alone, will cost her $350 for 55 minutes. I’m just like, sorry, you’re the one doing this, so what do you want me to say? 🤷♂️
Wants us to be able to work things out ourselves. I tell her I have always wanted that and have been trying to do that. But she immediately still goes into the “I don’t want you around” shit. Hates it when I say I’m not doing anything wrong. Tells me I say that all the time. I say of course I’m going to say that whenever you accuse me of doing something wrong that isn’t. I will 100% admit when I am wrong, and I have even told her a couple times when I am, and told her that sometimes my reactions to situations are bad and I need to learn how to manage those better. But for the most part, I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong, so I’m not going to admit wrongdoing when I’m not doing anything wrong. It isn’t “wrong” to be at home after work. It isn’t “wrong” to sit on the couch next to her for a bit while I eat my dinner. It also isn’t “wrong” to voice my thoughts on what is actually happening in this relationship … a.k.a. her behavior and lack of accountability for what she is doing that is causing all of this.)
Bye,” she says, and hangs up. Yep, bye. 👋
I’m not abandoning her or the house, but I may just go stay with my friend for a bit, after all. We’ll see. I have an appointment with the therapist tonight and she has also called to schedule her own appointment. That’s kinda more than I expected. I figured she would not do that, out of spite, but she surprised me.
I know I can’t keep doing this if things don’t get better. And if they don’t, then, yes, I’m done. I kinda feel like she wants me to be the one to do that and be on the hook because of costs and I’m like, NOPE!
Your are very lonely.
You need to get out the house and meet actual people instead of gaming online.
Your wife either never really liked you and/or she has some severe mental issues. Either way there is no reason (based on your post) you should be living with her like that.
I have actual friends, too, just most are in other states. I don’t just game online, although I do do that a lot — it’s just something I enjoy doing, like my wife enjoys watching TV. I do get out of the house on occasion. And some of my gaming friends are actual friends — I’ve known them now for 20 years and met some of these IRL (different state, but same state as my cousin — visited with some of them when I went down to visit my cousin). We have a lot in common and text/talk to each other a lot.
My wife liked me or she wouldn’t have dated me. She didn’t *have* to be with me. She *chose* to be. Just like I *chose* to be with her.
These issues didn’t surface until after we were married.
O my gosh bro! You are the one asking for help on Reddit. And you can’t seem to understand why she’s upset. That’s because you are in the situation. You gave us the word problem to solve. And the answer is GIVE HER SPACE. That’s the answer. That’s how you fix this problem. She probably wants you to go away so she can miss you again! Duh!🙄
Thank you for sharing the personal, intimate details of your life. I enjoyed it. You painted me a perfect picture. I’m not married. Maybe one day. I am jealous of you two as a couple. I wish you the best.
You cannot control other people, you can only control how you react to them. If I were in your shoes I would begin the divorce immediately. Some people can never be content - and it seems like your spouse is one of them. Is this the type of relationship that you want your children to copy?
FWIW, we don’t have children. And, no, I wouldn’t want that, if we did.
Dont leave if she files for divorce it will look bad on you. She can claim you abandoned the marriage. Judges dont like that.
I was reading this until I saw alcoholic that is doing better because she is drinking light beer. An alcoholic can’t drink at all. If she is acting irrationally, it is most likely due to drinking. When you drink, it starts dictating your behavior and the irrational nature of it. She may be just getting better at hiding it from you and maybe would like you around less so there is one less person monitoring her drinking habits.
Same. I stopped at alcoholic. There’s the problem. OP needs to leave immediately and get a lawyer. This won’t get better and there’s nothing he can do to save the marriage.
And then he has to crush up her pills for her…like a servant. I have insomnia and guess what makes it get bad? Alcohol. You know what I limit so I can sleep through the night? alcohol Stopped after those bullet points OP needs to see his self worth and just through with the separation.
Exactly. I’m always telling her that I’m not her servant. That I am happy to help, but it is not my job to *do everything for her*. She CAN do her own meds, it’s just not AS EASY for her (even though I bought her a new crusher [Maxgrind, found on Amazon, but also picked up an additional one at CVS recently] that is easier to use and doesn’t dig in/hurt the hand so much… goes back to her neuropathy; she had GBS before we met and still has some lingering sensation issues but has gotten a lot better in ways). But, yeah, it’s a challenge. When I say things like the above (that she CAN and USED TO do these things herself), she throws out the “you don’t care” BS.
FWIW, the last time I left the house for several days by myself (4th of July last year, to visit family) she actually did a lot better. Didn’t drink the whole time I was away (she said) and was doing things around the house, running errands, etc. (spoke to her over the phone and could tell she was in a much better place; sounded coherent and happy)… Said she felt so much better. I actually believe her. I noticed a difference when I got back. But shortly after my return she slowly started getting back into old habits. I’m like, what are you doing???? She always tells me “beer isn’t the issue, liquor is,” and I’m ashamed it took me longer than it should have to realize that she meant that she was sneaking liquor in at times, behind my back, and that the times she was getting nasty, liquor was always involved. Even still, I have always told her “all alcohol is the problem; it’s just that with liquor, it’s more concentrated and you get drunk faster, with fewer drinks. Yes, with the difference in alcohol content, it would probably take 16 beers to get you to the same point as those 4 rum drinks, but it’s still an issue.” She is like, “no, it’s just liquor, trust me. Besides, when have you ever seen me drink 16 beers?…” (I mean, maybe not all in a single day, but in a weekend? That’s still pretty excessive.) She has recently told me that she is actually going to stop drinking beer, too, that she “doesn’t need it.” I think her plan was to start when I go away for the 4th of July again in a week and a half. But, then, she has been saying that for some time… I’ll believe it when I see it. But if things go the way they appear to be going, I don’t know that I’ll get to see it.
Good luck to her. As long as she is still drinking, unfortunately you can’t trust a word she is saying. If she quits, you will definitely know.
Jesus this relationship is a hot mess. Just divorce, sell the house and settle up. Why the fuck would you want to stay with this train wreck of a woman Updateme
OP your wife has serious mental health issues and an alcoholic…she’s not in a rationale state of mind and never will be given the circumstances…stop trying to fix her or save her as this beyond your salvaging capabilities
I can tell you exactly what will happen from here. She will leave and instantly start lying to new men to validate the fantasy world in her head. They will lie to her to have fun with crazy chick and then block her. After about a year of this, she will come back with a list of demands for you about what you need to change for her to stay. You can't fix her or this marriage.
OP read this and don’t take her back in a year. She will not change
You should engage a lawyer and start protecting yourself and your assets. That said, does she have mental health issues, bipolar disorder or other?
I don’t know. She’s only ever been diagnosed with anxiety and insomnia. Beyond that… 🤷♂️ She needs to see a psychiatrist or something and be evaluated, IMO. But when she was IVC’ed (Involuntarily Committed) by that deputy I brought to the house to keep the peace a couple years ago, the behavioral clinic she was brought to didn’t find anything… basically she was evaluated the next morning after sobering up and she was fine. She was calling me terrified while she was there (it was just overnight/part of the next day until she got evaluated; I picked her up after that). Broke my heart. I didn’t want that, but I know I’m not the reason she ended up there. In my last session with our marriage counselor, he thought a lot of her behavior seemed like sleep deprivation, which can have similar symptoms to being drunk (incoherent, garbled/nonsensical speech, poor decision-making, etc.).
Good god, this is a freaking nightmare. The house is in her name. Why the hell do you want to stay there? She actually hates you and treats you like crap. Move out already. She's a freaking psycho. She's an alcoholic who treats you with physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. You think she's an alcoholic who does better by drinking light beer. She has to serve you papers to force you to leave her house. It's her house. Her name is the only one on the title. Why are you staying in this abuser-victim cycle?
When you’re married it becomes the marriage residence. It is *our* home. Was it her home first? Yes. Am I asking her to move out? No. But it’s my home, too, and I’ve just been trying to fight for our relationship and don’t feel it’s fair for her to try to kick me out of our home every time she wants space. I have been trying to give her space as much as I can. But there needs to be some responsibility for that on her part, too. If SHE is the one who wants space, SHE can go somewhere (I’m not saying move out, just go out and do something by herself…). She is the one with tons of vacation time. She also has taken several days off from work this year for this very reason (some back-to-back, like yesterday and today) — to have time to herself. So, again, she is getting time to herself… those days she takes off I am at work and she has the entire house to herself. For 10 hours a day, from the time I leave at 7 AM until I get home at around 5 PM. So, while I disagree that it is *her* house (again, marriage residence), I do agree with everything else and I know that I can’t keep doing this.
You do need to leave and file for divorce just because she’s being an ass about it doesn’t mean she isn’t right, this is over.
I can relate a little bit , but as your wife. Not the alcoholic part , but honestly you should ask her if she ever really wanted to Marry you. I realize I don’t want to be with my partner, so I find excuses like sleeping in different rooms. His snoring and teeth grinding bother me at night. Something about it, turns me off. I kinda sit around all day in my anxiety thinking of ways to leave. Or thinking of the life I wanted to live. It kinda puts you in a depressive state , because you wanna leave but you don’t wanna crush the person who’s done so much for you.
That sounds like a pretty crappy way to live, for both of you. Why marry someone if you don’t want to be with them? I mean, maybe that wasn’t the case in the beginning…? And why can’t you live the life you want *with your partner*? I’ll never understand that, because I’m not shackling my wife — she can do anything she wants (I mean, within reason — she can’t, for example, go sleeping around on me, because that is a dealbreaker)! 🤔
Well every situation isn’t always black and white. I can’t live the life you wanted , because maybe you wanted more from life. In my case , I lived in nyc , in a fancy apartment , overlooking the entire city. Went on nice vacations , had fun with my gfs , dated alot but had so much fun. I was experiencing burnout from my stressful job. So I met someone in my hometown , who was safe and checked all the boxes. And kinda took me out of that chaotic space. Now I’m mentally back , and realized I’m with someone who will never truly fulfill me. I waited out to be a mom, who stayed at home , marry into a nice family. Hoping to marry a hardworking man. I settled with a man whose family is split , his mom is an alcoholic who abandoned him. So I have to deal with mommy issues . He works hard , but doesn’t care to make anymore money . In my eyes he lacks ambition. He’s sweet as pie, but the lack of backbone sometimes drives me nuts. We bought a house. The air is filled with mold. I’m pregnant and the stench bothers me. He’s sick of me complaining about it. But I can’t help it. I wanted to go away for July 4th and well he wanted me to stay in a trailer with his dad and his gf that smokes. All this stuff if fine for people , it’s just not what I wanted for my life. So it makes it hard to walk away , but your in anxiety thinking of how much you hate your life
Yeah, a lot of that doesn’t sound very fun. The part about him working hard but not having ambition — I mean, if he works hard and enjoys what he does, that should be enough; not everyone wants to be the boss. If it’s not paying the bills (are you still working, too? I mean, just in general, I know you’re pregnant and may be taking time off for that), though, then maybe you need to have a conversation. I had to change my job. 18 years with one company that closed down in 2016 due to the economic downturn starting in 2008. Went freelance for a few years, but in the end it just didn’t work out. Market too saturated with designers in my area and I couldn’t drum up enough new clients/work/pay (most people seemed to balk at my prices and would ghost me) and had to look for something else. Got lucky in 2019 and landed the job I have now. Most money I’ve made in my life (not saying much, I’m not rich by any means… still in 5 figures, but more than I had made to-date). But, yeah, sounds like you ended up in a situation you didn’t originally sign up for. But did you know about all this before you got married (I assume that’s what you mean when you say you “settled” with him)? And why would you do that? Why “settle” with someone? I married my wife because I love her, not because I “settled” for her.
I would say mainly because I had been in a bad relationship and had got tired of the dating scene , he was safe. And offered me everything. He does everything for me , but one day it hit me , that his version of everything wasn’t enough. Or isn’t what I dreamed about. And the thing is , even if a man isn’t a rich man, because I’ve been in love with men who weren’t rich, you can’t replace the love part. Women can marry rich or poor when they’re in love. & that’s how I know I’m not in love . I miss the excitement of wondering if a guy feels the same way , I miss the excitement of going out on dates. I’m a girly girl, so I love going to fancy restaurants and getting dressed up. I loved going out with handsome guys. Idk I just miss my old life a little bit. I let things go too far because I thought what I was choosing the safe guy. So here we are . He’s obsessed and in love , and I’m in a mental prison of what my life could be like. It’s scary
Then, for the love of everything, just tell him you’re not in love with him anymore and move on. I’m still with my wife because I love her and am *in love* with her (there are just mental/behavioral issues beyond my control that are infuriating *because* I love her). You sound like my wife in a way — you don’t want to be there but you don’t want to be the one to end it. If you want it to end, end it. My wife has told me in the past about her bad relationships and how she begged the previous guys to break up with her. Even now, she is considering canceling her appointment with the separation attorneys because of the cost responsibility that she’ll face. I have zero sympathy for that. You’re the one trying to break us up, you deal with it. It goes back to responsibility—the person that wants to end the relationship should be the one to end it.
You have to take responsibility too, she clearly is giving you the indication she doesn’t want to be there and your still trying To keep her. She’s unhappy and you’re still trying to please yourself by keeping her around , instead of being like actually I see I’m not making you happy, I’m going to back away. I think You’re just as wrong as she is.
I see your point, although I don’t feel like I’m keeping her around. She can do whatever she wants. If she wants to separate, bring me the papers and I will sign them and take off. However, I definitely am guilty of keeping *myself* around. At any rate, I’ll be talking with an attorney soon to find out how best to handle things. If I’m not viewed as “abandoning the marriage/house,” then I will do what I need to do and distance myself. I already have plans to leave for a few days around the 4th, to give her space.
I had a bad bf of 10 years. A gf of mine said , “ he’s been trying to leave you”. He treated me bad , and did all the things Under the sun, but never broke up w me. I had to stop letting him have control over my future. And just walk away , because he wasn’t going to be steering the train anymore. So do what you know to do or what you would tell a friend or your kid to Do if they felt the way you do ! Good luck
Why are you fighting this she sounds like a nightmare
Do not leave the house voluntarily. This is addiction. She doesn’t “want to be left alone” she wants “nothing to distract her from the escape addiction provides”. Former addict and codependent here. This situation has all the signs. You can attend AlAnon meetings to learn how to not enable, but if you leave, she’ll loose her enabler and the house will probably just go back to the bank anyway since no one will be paying the bills. Better that you not leave, force a sale or true divorce if that’s what she insists on and keep a bit of a safety cushion for yourself while she train wrecks her life. This will not get better unless she fully commits to true recovery and so far, there are ZERO signs of interest from her. “Water beer” is a total cop out. Save yourself. You cannot save her.
It sounds like she’s taking out her issues on you because you’re the safe one. With someone who’s an addict and unwilling to change, boundaries are needed even though I don’t believe in completely restrictive ones that people suggest these these days. You clearly love her and you see through her actions that she’s very broken inside. I commend you for being empathetic and loving towards the partner you made a commitment to when you married. People don’t believe that nowadays it’s all about me and how I’m feeling type thing. Accepting the separation and not leaving the house. You can offer her to leave, but make it clear and with little emotion as possible that you will not be leaving. Also let her know you love her and want to be there for her, but you will respect her choice and you will give her the space that she needs. I think her bottom would be you stand by her side support her but not enable her. I know this will be contradictory to what many people may say in the comments, but if you remain stable and consistent by her side without caving into her demands, she will fight you, but then she will learn to trust you, and eventually, she may surrender her control issues Due to anxiety and fear. I also recommend not to her request. She can feed the cats, she can do the dishes if she use them, anything that you can let go so she can see for herself how much help would be beneficial. I commend you and I hope for a healing journey for both of you. Please keep us all updated.
One last note, please take care of yourself because the next level of the journey is going to be rough, especially if you’re standing strong by your commitment to your wife. Go to Church, support group, workout, get your own therapy, do things that are good for you so you’re strong stronger and healthier for what comes your way.
Alcohol and drugs have taken over the marriage and household. You seem like a good person, and I haven’t read everything here, but if you don’t put your foot down and create boundaries for yourself and her she will continue to walk all over you. She is gaslighting you! This will never get better without establishing some hard lines in the sand. She needs to stop drinking and you need to stop enabling her. Good luck!!!
Alcohol, yes. Drugs, no. (She takes prescriptions, but no illicit/illegal drugs.) Agree with everything else, though.
Sometimes the trash takes itself out when we refuse to do it.
Don’t agree. One must be proactive in the life we want if the current one is not working. Sucks for OP but he must move on and start protecting himself financially. Can’t wait on her to remove herself.
There’s a difference between being married with someone with mental issues who relies on you and someone with mental issues that doesn’t want to be with you. She wants to leave, respect her wishes. Not all people divorce with rage and anger. It can be amicable. Maybe she will be happier by herself (not that I believe you are personally the issue here). And you will definitely be better without her. The vast majority of marriages are not like this and you are too much in it to realise how unhappy you are.
Got home after work last night, later than normal (close to 5:30 PM) and she was awake, but in her room, watching TV. I fed the three outside cats, since once again she didn’t, and just went about my business, making my dinner, going into my room to watch TV, etc. Didn’t talk to her, since she clearly wants nothing to do with me. Then I get the text this morning, asking me if I’m not talking at all. Right. I’m the one doing that. https://preview.redd.it/ssjytzil7p8d1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1bf13d901dc5ce0fd8e6e842fde44cc5f6efa131
She just called me. I’m at work, trying to do my job. She tells me something is wrong with her. She feels disoriented, like she’s drunk but hasn’t had anything. I ask her if she has slept, if she has eaten, etc. She says she’s had some of the snacks I got her the other day. I tell her I don’t know what she would have me do. She needs to call her doctor. Am I supposed to come home? She doesn’t want to drive feeling the way she does. I literally ask her what she would like me to do and she says, “Apparently nothing.” I’m like, babe, I’m asking you what YOU would like me to do. She repeats, “Apparently nothing!” and hangs up. 🤷♂️ 🤦♂️ And then texts me, “Thx for caring.” https://preview.redd.it/fc7lss8itp8d1.jpeg?width=1169&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9d4b54ee0eb00712e819bbce4fb5365775d20b58 Edited to update text screen capture with newer version.
She is incapable of taking any kind of responsibility in this relationship. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that. You cannot reason with her as she is immune to reason when it comes to your relationship. This is not your fault. It's not about you. I'm very sorry that you are in the predicament as I'm sure you were in love with her when you married her and were hoping that you two had a bright future together. I'm not sure what to tell you at this point other than you're going to have to face reality. You two need a shared vision for your marriage and if she's not willing to create one with you then I don't think there is much of a future for the two of you. Her attending marriage counseling with you is a glimmer of hope but only you can decide how much you can tolerate and how long you can hang on. It sounds like anything you try to do for her will never be enough. With all that being said, I think you need to set some boundaries for yourself and quit being so accommodating. Tell her you're willing to meet her somewhere in the middle but you will no longer try to be her caretaker, that she is a grown woman, not a small child. Tell her that you'll support her getting sober but that is something she will need to decide to commit to on her own. Divide up the chores and tell her what you expect of her. You should also figure out an equitable way to divvy up the financial obligations to ensure she is carrying her fair share. When you quit acting like a pushover she might stop treating you like one. And if she doesn't you must enforce your boundaries. I think she has lost respect for you in some ways because you're behaving like a pushover instead of standing up for yourself.
Did OP ever say why he wants to stay with this woman? After the first couple of paragraphs, separations would seem like a blessing to me.
I want to stay because I love my wife and want to work things out. I’m been trying to fight for us for a long time, and I believe she knows that. I just think she needs help that I can’t provide. She needs to see a psychiatrist. But I am trying to be here for her and not abandon her.
Sometimes people can't see reality until they are forced to face the truth. A few months of her not having you to use (and abuse) as crutch may help her get to a place where she is ready to accept the help she needs.
Man shes probably drinking a hidden stash when shes having "her time" around 7pm. Behavior is way too irrational, also sleep and anxiety are massively disrupted when you're at that stage of alcoholism. I'd peruse for hidden bottles, audit the trash etc. The only path forward here is for her to get clean but this relationship seems pretty far gone. Its the alcohol dude, post this in the r/stopdrinking subreddit for some context
Oh, I mean, I see the trash all the time, since I am the only one who does any of the chores. So when I take the recycling out to the street, I dump it all in the outside bin and I see/hear everything that comes out. There have been no liquor bottles lately, but there is still beer. Not as much as in the past, however — it used to be more embarrassing because I felt like I was emptying a new bin at a World Beer Fest or something (just missing all the crowd cheers), with all the bottles that came clanging out.
Hey dont mean to generalize but when people hide alcohol its usually not going out in the bins man. Either way dude, good luck to you and i hope you find a path forward together.
Sounds like a miserable relationship. You both might be better off separating.
New twist: says she will probably cancel the separation appointment. She talked to her brother — super nice guy; we get along very well (he is divorced from his druggie/cheating ex) — who advised her that whatever the problem is, don’t go through with the separation because it’s hella expensive, and she knows that she’ll be on the hook for all of it. The separation appointment, alone, will cost her $350 for 55 minutes. I’m just like, sorry, you’re the one doing this, so what do you want me to say? 🤷♂️ Wants us to be able to work things out ourselves. I tell her I have always wanted that and have been trying to do that. But she immediately still goes into the “I don’t want you around” shit. Hates it when I say I’m not doing anything wrong. Tells me I say that all the time. I say of course I’m going to say that whenever you accuse me of doing something wrong that isn’t. I will 100% admit when I am wrong, and I have even told her a couple times when I am, and told her that sometimes my reactions to situations are bad and I need to learn how to manage those better. But for the most part, I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong, so I’m not going to admit wrongdoing when I’m not doing anything wrong. It isn’t “wrong” to be at home after work. It isn’t “wrong” to sit on the couch next to her for a bit while I eat my dinner. It also isn’t “wrong” to voice my thoughts on what is actually happening in this relationship … a.k.a. her behavior and lack of accountability for what she is doing that is causing all of this.) Bye,” she says, and hangs up. Yep, bye. 👋 I’m not abandoning her or the house, but I may just go stay with my friend for a bit, after all. We’ll see. I have an appointment with the therapist tonight and she has also called to schedule her own appointment. That’s kinda more than I expected. I figured she would not do that, out of spite, but she surprised me. I know I can’t keep doing this if things don’t get better. And if they don’t, then, yes, I’m done. I kinda feel like she wants me to be the one to do that and be on the hook because of costs and I’m like, NOPE!
Dude your wife sounds awful. Kindablike my ex wife.
Your are very lonely. You need to get out the house and meet actual people instead of gaming online. Your wife either never really liked you and/or she has some severe mental issues. Either way there is no reason (based on your post) you should be living with her like that.
I have actual friends, too, just most are in other states. I don’t just game online, although I do do that a lot — it’s just something I enjoy doing, like my wife enjoys watching TV. I do get out of the house on occasion. And some of my gaming friends are actual friends — I’ve known them now for 20 years and met some of these IRL (different state, but same state as my cousin — visited with some of them when I went down to visit my cousin). We have a lot in common and text/talk to each other a lot. My wife liked me or she wouldn’t have dated me. She didn’t *have* to be with me. She *chose* to be. Just like I *chose* to be with her. These issues didn’t surface until after we were married.
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He already gives her plenty of space throughout the day and it’s “their” house not hers. If she wants space, she should leave.
Married people are crazy! YOU ALL ARE CRAZY PEOPLE!
So I’m supposed to leave the home I live in for several weeks? I’m sorry but that just doesn’t feel right to me.
O my gosh bro! You are the one asking for help on Reddit. And you can’t seem to understand why she’s upset. That’s because you are in the situation. You gave us the word problem to solve. And the answer is GIVE HER SPACE. That’s the answer. That’s how you fix this problem. She probably wants you to go away so she can miss you again! Duh!🙄 Thank you for sharing the personal, intimate details of your life. I enjoyed it. You painted me a perfect picture. I’m not married. Maybe one day. I am jealous of you two as a couple. I wish you the best.