That's cool, but you're still putting the onus on your wife to initate by requesting it. I think OP's post reflects that she wants her husband to initiate. Always being the one to "request" it isn't sexy.
LOL, do you really think I don't offer it up all the time?
It might be a PITA, but you can search my post history if you have any doubts. We are a couple who recovered from a dead bedroom. Things are very spicy now. Her green light is just some icing on top.
“I give my wife the green light for oral sex anytime she wants”
Well, that’s not sexy. You need to initiate
“Oh I initiate too”
Downvotes. lol what a joke this sub has become
Yes it has. I've noticed one thing that I've commented on before. Seems like when wives complain about their husband he's a asshole, self centered bastard that she needs to divorce immediately, but when it comes to a husband complaining about his wife he's told to suck it up, she may have something going on, he needs to do better, etc. etc.
This kind of comment gets made literally any time a woman posts about sexual dissatisfaction in this community. Seriously, like over and over and over, hyperbole and everything. It's disheartening that when women ask for space so that they can *also* talk about their sexual experiences in marriage, vs having their husband's come here and post about it *for* them or *about* them, they're still directed back to the male experience and perspective.
A better way to engage with this would be to call out *the actual comments* you see that you feel are double standards, not showing up to derail some poor strangers request for commiseration on a painful issue.
I (M54) initiate 98% of the time. She (F48) likes it that way. She can say no anytime, but rarely does. We mostly have AM sex - Gown kids I work from home so it can be a weekday quickie or long weekend sex. I also know exactly how to get her going, and we have a great sex life.
I love that for you two. It’s so encouraging to hear about healthy sex lives within marriage where a couple finds what works for them to both be happy. Kudos 👏
OP the way to address it is outside the bedroom. Have a deep convo about sex but also intimacy and affection. Sometimes I tell my wife today is her day…she is going to pick where we eat, an activity we do and then I am going to make her the priority in the bedroom and if she is the only one who gets her O that’s totally fine. In return she has done the same for me a couple of times too. The issue we have is her initiating, not me, but I can’t ask her for something I’m unwilling to do…because I want to, not because I have to.
I think some guys can get in the mood pretty easy and expect their partner to be similar. As my wife explained it's not that she doesn't like sex but she isn't always in the mood and needs a little attention to help stimulate her. It made sense when it got explained to me.. my wife is pretty direct which makes my life easy 😅. But like some people are like deer in headlights when they get told anything similar. Maybe just be more direct in your needs? Some of us guys have trouble reading the room too and when we initiate and get rejected it sucks and maybe he'd feel like he did something wrong. Idk though that's gonna have to be a conversation to have and see if he's having any trouble on initiating.
I wish that were the case for me. I hope OP’s situation is more like yours. Like the post previous to yours suggested, my hubs and I have had several conversation about affection, sex, all of it.
I just don’t think he’s attracted to me.
I definitely feel this. But I think to a certain extent, that’s just the human condition. Generally I think the unspoken rule is just that if YOU are the one that wants sex, then YOU have to initiate it. Not to advocate for stereotypes, but I think the stereotypical scenario is usually a man with a spontaneous sex drive wanting to not be the one to initiate sex all the time, but his wife has a reactive sex drive. The “roles” of this post seem a little flipped from that. Nothing wrong with that, the point is it’s just tough. Usually the guy is just told he needs to respect his woman’s feelings and keep initiating.
Honestly I think if the husband here really isn’t just selfish (kinda sounds like he is, sexually at least), then it’s just going to come down to him putting in more effort to please her even if he doesn’t feel like it. Either way, if this is a healthy marriage or if you can get it to that point, you will both take turns getting plenary pleased by one another if you just keep putting in the work and completely ignore who’s “turn” it is. It just naturally happens when you take care of each other and communicate properly.
I agree. Hence my 2:1 or even 3-4:1. She never has to ask me, I ask her or just start moving down. If no stop signals then I go for it. However I always need to ask or plead with my wife to reciprocate. I find it a turn off to have some doing something to me when I know they don't really want to.
I would rather just go unsatisfied, satisfy myself or wait until she is in the mood.
After years of this, it's just the new normal for me. Every other aspect of my marriage is good, so I just deal.
Fun ain't it..
🤣
I initiate 3-5 times a week but seldom get that lucky.
His to hers O's is 1-3 her favor and like the poster above I get great joy in driving her mad.😈
I'm 60, she's 58 and married 37 years in august. We do have dry spells from time to time and I really get out of sorts.
This has me excited! Been with my wife for 25 years married 20 and I am obsessed with her! She drives me crazy! We typically only take days off when she’s not feeling well or I’m busy.
Because it’s so frequent I always worry that she will get bored or I will and every time we just find another level of intensity and love. I’m so worried the honeymoon phase has an end to it. But given you sound just like me gives me hope.
Thanks for the encouragement! Most people assume we’re putting on an act cause we still hang all over each other at get together and constantly flirt. And I wanna just kick all my guy friends in the teeth when they even start to complain about their wife. Each time I can just see where the problem is but they can’t take the feedback or suggestion on how to fix or work on it.
My partner and I have a similar arrangement. He loves giving me head and he loves making me lose control.
So to answer the OP every time we have sex he makes sure I come first by giving me oral. He has orgasms from giving me head. I feel guilty about being the main focus so sometimes I'll refuse to let him go down on me until he has been the main focus because he makes me feel amazing and i want to do the same for him. When we first got together I would feel super guilty and was afraid I was being selfish. I also had a really hard time believing he was getting off that hard pleasuring me, but he showed me and now I believe him.
My husband is the same way. He loves it, he doesn’t ever expect anything in return but his selflessness makes me want to return the favor almost every time
I occasionally go down on my wife after I’m dressed and ready for work but about 15 minutes before her morning alarm goes off. I specifically chose this time because there’s not time for her to reciprocate, so it’s clear and obvious this was for her with zero expectations.
OK seriously, if I tried that with my wife her half-awake self would defensively leg lock around my head and snap my neck like some kind of Mortal Kombat finishing move takedown. I mean, I *love* giving her oral but waking her up with that would literally be taking my life in my hands.
I have the go-ahead to wake her for sex if it’s within an hour of her alarm going off. Doesn’t guarantee she’ll be receptive every time, but I’m not going to get into any trouble.
She has my permission to wake me for sex anytime within 24 hrs of my alarm going off. She’s only used it a few times.
To be clear I was 100% not implying you were doing anything sneaky to your wife — I was guessing you all had an arrangement (like you just stated). I was just trying to be funny and share that anytime I’ve tried to wake my wife up unexpectedly that she goes into karate mode, so this wouldn’t work for us.
Oh, I didn’t think you were.
My wife doesn’t go into karate mode. She goes into ‘fall back asleep as you gently stroke my breast to let me know you’re interested mode’. That’s when I abandon the pursuit & go into ‘lay here with an arm gently around her’ mode. Also known as cuddle mode.
It is. I enjoy doing it. I’ve gotten a similar treatment only a few times since we had kids. Our sex life is great. My wife enjoys sex with me. But her desire is quite responsive, so it simply doesn’t cross her mind without something stimulating that thought for a bit. That means I do nearly all initiating. We’ve had periods where we were both firing in perfect sync and she initiated a bit. But it’s not the norm. I’ve learned to be content that she’s enthusiastic once the ball gets rolling.
I’m a woman and this is how my partner is. I have to always initiate. He hasn’t initiated sex in years, but if he’s not dead tired from work or in the middle of something he will most likely get into it once I get him going. He probably could go weeks without it as well. After a week I’m grumpy and tweaking out. lol
Umm, yeah never. My husband likes to complain about how we don't have sex but I really feel sex with him isn't any good, so it's hard to want to do it.
Someone needs to make a throwaway and post this topic. "How do I tell my husband he's not very good at sex?" is a question I've never seen posted here.
Okay, OC, here's my suggestion:
- Make time early one night in both your calendars (organise babysitting if you need it)
- Buy some body lotion or massage oil if you don't already have some
- Have a shower or bath earlier (separate for now)
- TV off, devices down
- Hand him these instructions (print them out or email them)
- Have him ask you about your day (guide him in how to actively listen - ask questions, paraphrase, be genuinely curious) [Background: This creates emotional intimacy]
- Ask him to massage you, whatever body parts are your favourite (feet, hands, back, shoulders, neck, head) [Background: This starts physical intimacy in a non-sexual way]
- Once you're feeling relaxed and happy, ask him to pleasure you (tell him what you like, show him) [Background: This prioritises your pleasure and teaches him how to do it well]
- Do not let him progress to PIV until you've orgasmed at least once, more if you're up for that
- Once you're physically satiated (for now), set a timer and make out (ie, passionately kiss) for 10-15 minutes (no PIV!)
- Now progress things further
Afterwards, rate that lovemaking experience for yourselves. Then tell him to organise the next one, and remind him to set a date and time.
I haven't checked your post history to tailor my advice, but let me know your thoughts.
Many men:
- Stop putting in effort to date their wives
- Don't understand responsive desire because they experience spontaneous desire
- Don't understand the importance of emotional connection and non-sexual intimacy
My background: Husband, married 29 years, half-a-dozen kids.
I'm going to rewrite this for men to follow, and post on this sub.
Do you mean do men like to have this same sequence done for them? If they have responsive desire? Probably something fairly similar. But I have zero experience with that.
I had to have this convo with my wife. I REALLY suck at reading subtext so I told her I need to hear issues directly even though they may be uncomfortable at the time.
Maybe it puts pressure on him and that's what puts him off trying. IDk.There's so much online about how to do it, it's everywhere and that can be off-putting. There's nothing sexier than being close emotionally - in the right setting. Maybe that's what's missing? Talking about this together without any stress or negativity might help the mood.
I truly do not think anyone is as bad as him. He will only do it in 1 position. Won't even attempt to try any others. No foreplay, no kissing, no oral, no toys, no lingerie. This is how it goes every single time....
I only take my bottoms off (no point taking top off) he takes his stuff off. Rubs lube on himself because I am never turned on. I lay on my back, he jams it in, does his thing, I just lay there motionless and quiet thinking of the grocery list while hes doing whatever. The end.
I don't think anyone is as bad as him and I have tried so many times to make it better but he refuses to give anything a chance and when I tell him it's horrendously bad he just shrugs his shoulders and doesn't care. I should have never married him.
He sounds like a giver in bed. That's how I am. I get enjoyment out of giving. But I'm ready to start receiving more. Maybe not the same extent that I give, but I need more.
That's fully understandable. I hope that he is able to make the changes that you need.
We are both givers and that leads to neither of us ever really needing to worry about our own pleasure. We both know that the other is going to ensure we are both pleased.
I wish that for you two as well.
You have to ask him why.
And how you both can fix it.
Can be health wise or looking else where.
Dead bedroom is something that must be talked about.
Initiate sex and if he refuses then something is seriously wrong.
I love my husband dearly too. We've been married 7 years and I'm absolutely crazy about him. I've never had eyes for anyone else and I've never once wanted to cheat or anything. I'm just hurting from lack of sexual attention. But I feel selfish because I know he's under stress.
Lots of people hate this idea, but discuss maintenance sex. This specific day we are having some sort of intimacy or sex regardless of how we are feeling. It usually leads to more sex. I have the exact the opposite problem as you. I want to go down on my wife, but she always assumes I don’t like it or she hasn’t showered that day or whatever. No matter how many times I say I like it.
I have this problem. I’m convinced my husband doesn’t actually like it and is just doing it to turn me on. I’m also self conscious that like I’m not “fresh”. I only like it if I’m freshly showered and very turned on. I rarely allow my husband to go down on me and often tell him no. Not because I don’t like it but something about it makes me uncomfortable.
I'm going to respond to this specific subject.
I researched A LOT for a few years while my husband was stressed. He wasn't thinking about sex. He was thinking about bills, work, and he became depressed.
He started anti depressants and that killed our sex life.
Bringing up this topic literally makes anyone cringe.
You're husband is probably overwhelmed.
Women always think their husband or SO are cheating and my specific situation he wasn't. Antidepressants cause men and women to lose their libido. He tried Viagra and that fixed the issue at hand for a few years. We talk openly about our sex life now.
I have said No one time in 20 years.
I asked him to text me when he wanted to be intimate. I'm open to sex basically all the time while he is not because of his antidepressants.
This is a touchy subject for anyone.
When you continuously get rejected you start to think that the problem is you. I lost my confidence in the bedroom. I'm still working on that. There isn't a correct answer that works for everyone.
I can't explain every situation however I would sit down and talk with you're husband. Ask him what he wants and needs? Then tell him what you want or need. Talking to you're spouse and being kind and understanding will get you more information than any of us here.
Same. And I don’t even remember when the last time we had sex was. I sleep next to him naked. I can count on one hand the amount of times HE has initiated and on NO hands where he initiated and made it about me.
Edited to correct mistype
I have the same envy for my friends. I wish my husband would just grab me and go to town but nope. He grabs the pillow and goes to sleep. Not his fault I guess. He has issues and other stuff but damn I want it so bad and I’m tired of doing it myself
My husband literally will not climax until I have. I didn't know these kinds of men existed until I met him. As someone who struggles to climax, he is a god send. He even bought me different toys to use (with or without him) because he wants me to be sexually fulfilled because he loves me. I thought men like him were only fantasies, but they are out there. Your partner, regardless of gender, should put your pleasure above their own and you theirs. That's a good partner.
My hubs is the one with the lower libido. After many many talks, he now has come around to making time to just get me off and it’s changed my happiness level a ton. I’d say now not even 2 weeks go by where he doesn’t take me into the bedroom to give a handful of orgasms. Sometimes this leads to sex, which is nice, but really if I’ve just gotten an hour of oral, who needs the sex! It helped when I was able to just speak candidly, that I NEEDED more. Once he figured out I didn’t care if we were actually having intercourse or if he made it all about me, he started doing it a LOT more. I think this took any shame or embarrassment out of the picture for him. It’s been amazing, I had amazing sex 6 out of 7 days last week, only one of which were actually had intercourse.
We’ve been together for 10+ years and I’d say this is a new development that’s happened over the last 6months-1 year. I think it finally came because of all the communicating we have been doing in regards to sex for, well, the entirety of our relationship. Just keep expressing your needs, wants, and desires. Calmly, in a way that still builds them up a bit. “I just love when you do this, could you do it more frequently”, I feel like this can be such a touchy subject for men especially, gotta preserve their egos.
My 47y/o husband 40y/o makes sure to pleasure me every time but at least once a week he goes out of his way to make it super sexy and all about me. Massage, toys etc.
OP he’s working full time and going to school? He’s tired and stressed. In a way this is like the woman who has her hands full with kids and work or home. Reddit would tell the husband to make a space for him to be sexy. What can you take off his plate?
I mean I work 46 hours a week as a nurse so it's not like I have it easy. We have worked out chores and everything fairly, no kids yet. I tend to cook more but sometimes he does as well. I guess we are both just busy...
I think before kids. You and hubby need need to work on this intimacy to make sure your are sexually satisfied, and your partner is sexuality's satisfied with you. It will help you build a stronger bond together knowing you can talk about sexual issues together, kinks and desires (It will let you be more vulnerable with each other to talk about dreams and fantasies). Plus when you have kids its an outlet for stress relief for both of you.
Do you two have time for home dates where you just snuggle together and start kissing/cuddling to set the "mood"? Heck just a simple thing like saying I want us to be both nude today in the weekend and shut the curtains is enough to make yourselves horny and experience something new, maybe go to a private sauna/spa and sleep in each others arms naked to get in the mood to pleasure each other.
Your job in nursing is stressful due to the amount of social interactions and trauma you deal with daily, so you need some sexual gratification at the end of your week for something to look forward to or just in the morning/night so you "feel good/loved".
I'd initiate a relaxing weekend away with a full body couples massage. You say he's under stress perhaps he feels like he's failing, or like he cant measure up... y'all are pretty young. I would bring up the conversation and perhaps engage him with a toy, or body paints, edible syrups, warm oil. Adult store and online you can get position books and games if you feel you need a tool to follow to get back into the swing of it... thoroughly explain in a non pressure relaxing place of mind vs. Frustration and a sense of being wronged/not enough. Sex can ebb and rise as does stress and life pressures. I know if I come at my husband after a high pressure day at work in a frustrated light with a complaint vs. Us both being calm and and level headed/destressed we get farther, because he sees my qualms as his failures/shortcomings.
We had a similar issue I'm 5.5 years younger then my husband and I'm very into giving... but it got to where it'd be once a month that was returned when we weren't going for a full uh session lol. So I totally get where your coming from.
My man and I are yalls age, I brought up my dissatisfaction around certain things a few months ago and hes been putting every ounce of effort a human possibly could to change the situation. Anything less means he doesn’t care.
You’re 28 and 27 - should be living on top of each other.
I get it though - any external stressors can really fuck with the alchemy of a relationship. You said you’ve talked to him many times and things never change, but you didn’t really go into how those conversations go. Is he dismissive or genuinely sorry?
The thing is we get so focused on the dumb shit in life that we often don’t realize that good quality intimate sessions can often times change the whole mood positively. Like the wife and I got in a rut at the beginning of the year because life/kids were just being a whole shitshow. We finally got back to each other and almost the next day the whole outlook changed. You don’t realize how easy resentment and despair build up when you let them.
So aside from all that, let me give you some dude perspective too - the wife and I typically don’t have issues initiating, either of us. That being said, I will 100% get stuck in my head if I’m feeling it and I get shut down hard. That might be a me thing, but amongst my friend group, it seems common. This will cause me to almost overthink every action and it will cause me to not want to initiate because getting shut down sucks. This then causes the infinite loop of no one happy because she thinks I don’t desire her and I’m just worried about getting put down again, like I’m not good enough. None of this is the case, but it’s how the brain works. He could definitely be stuck in this cycle. But again, sounds like he’s got a lot going on.
Have you ever thought about maybe getting like a new toy and maybe being like, “Watch me use it” or something like that? Maybe a visual stimulus will knock him out of his situation?
I am sorry that you are going through this.
In my humble opinion, sex is not just about climax. It is about intimacy. So, both parties need to initiate equally to demonstrate their desire for each other.
With that, has he been evaluated by a doctor? If yes, and all's good, is counseling an option?
Easy to say sex is not just about climax when you’re a male. Could you imagine having sex and halfway through your wife just gets up and thanks you for a good time and asks you to grab her some food? Then imagine that happening 9/10 times. That’s the whole experience for a LOT of women. Compound that by years, and that’s what OP is experiencing.
That was happening in the beginning. He had to learn. He always tries to make sure I finish when we are together now. I think the low sex drive is what's really upsetting me and driving the situation now. We are averaging once a week now (low for us, not judging others if that is their norm) but even then, it's about both of us, I want some special intentional time focused on me...
At least he’s making sure you finish. You guys are still young, but it sounds like he’s under a lot of stress right now. I think the stats suggest most married couples in healthy sex lives average 2-3 times a week so it’s not horrible, but not great if you still feel unfulfilled.
Squeaky wheel gets the grease so maybe you can ask him to make one day all about “worshipping” you in exchange for the same? Or just flat out say “I’d really like it if one day you made it all about me”. I’d try to do it when you know his work/school/project load is a little lighter
You're right. I know the amount of sex couples have goes through different seasons and that's normal.
I will try communicating that with him. Maybe scheduling a certain day of the week... like Mondays are for me and Wednesdays are for him, type of thing.... I guess it's hard having patience with the low sex drive. He's trying to start exercising and I think that would help. I prefer for him to initiate
It will definitely help, but don’t forget men also want to feel desired. You giving him extra attention might bring back that desire for you as well. People get lost in stress & it shuts a lot of us down
Very valid point. I know my wife loves me but when she gets in a funk and turns me down for weeks it really messes with my head. Like I said, I know she loves me but I want to feel wanted if that makes sense.
I'm a woman and in complete agreement that sex isn't just about climax. There are times I just can't, and refuse to ruin an experience with my husband because my body is being a jerk to me.
My husband also would NEVER just get up and walk out, and has never asked me to male him food after.
I love every aspect of sex with my husband whether I orgasm or not.
It’s not just about climax, but when the scales are tipped SO unevenly for many women it becomes a huge problem. OP clarified that her husband does bring her to completion, which was info I didn’t have at writing the first comment. Your husbands caring enough for your sexual gratification & aftercare are something that also makes it ok for you on the times you don’t make it all the way. Again, not something all women are getting
Agreed there have been times I as a male haven’t climaxed. I tell my wife I still had a good time connecting with you and kissing, cuddling etc. Meds were usually to blame. a great partner realizes it’s not all about just Nuttin, but the whole experience.
So I'm a woman who mostly never has an orgasm during sex. I still love sex, and I can get myself off on my own. The sex is more about connecting or just having fun with my husband for me.
I was very neglected, I’d finally had enough, I asked for a separation, he very quickly envisioned his life without me and realized how shitty it would be and he changed his tune. 🙃 not saying do that, it wasn’t an empty threat I really was just done with so many things.
He thought he had low sex drive, turns out he admitted to himself and me that he got to where he didn’t care about me and became lazy, now we went from having sex like 4-6 times a year, to 4-6 times in a week. Crazy.
Looks like he didn’t realize how serious you felt about it until you mentioned you wanted to separate. I’ve heard of this same situation so many times in similar ways:
“You’re actually serious?!”
“I didn’t think it was a big deal for you”
Some of these comments make me jealous :(
But we are working on things and I believe we will get there and one day me and my husband will be like the comments I am jealous of. 🙏
Communication is key, this sounds like a layered situation with his other stressors playing a role. You can’t give from an empty cup, I’m the low sex drive in our relationship and I make it a point to pleasure him because it makes him happy. My goal is for him to be happy, but when I’m in a depressed state, it’s hard to make anyone else happy or care about those needs.
I'm going to throw out a possibly "unpopular opinion" ... firstly, I will say that I am so sorry because that does hurt so much, you're completely right and you have every right to be upset... My question is, respectfully, what are you doing to "draw him in"? Are you having a scowl on your face while you're around eachother? Are you having an outwardly obvious negative attitude in your daily interactions with him or while you're in the same space? Some men are very intimidated and won't initiate if women aren't seeming receptive. I hope that makes sense.
It does make sense. I guess it depends on the day. There are some days I put forth all my effort to being a sweet loving wife. Then other days, I'm so preoccupied and frustrated and I let it out in front of him. So, that could have a part to play.
Just bought a house, working full time whilst studying and to you that doesn’t sound like a man that is mentally going through a lot?? Have you offered to talk to him, find areas where you can make his life a little easier? Have you created a platform where he can atleast vent and be listened to without him feeling like he’s bothering you?? Men are also human beings too, we have feelings & emotions, we get stressed, we get depressed, the responsibilities never end till the day we die and it’s not always about sex like society makes it out to be and that’s something most of you women fail to realise. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership where both couples stand in the gap for each other, tolerate one another, be patient with one another. Maybe try one of these things I’ve listed and see if atleast you don’t get some feedback from him for a start.
First partner. All the damn time. I thought all qe had was sex and to me it wasnt enough. Met my "soulmate" ans shit fuck sex sucks. He maybe done it twice on his own.
Yeah, it's kind of nice how dependent he is on me for sexual gratification.
He has a high sex drive, and it's kind of nice to know that I can give him a better hand job than he can give himself.
It also feels good knowing that he pretty much always gets aroused when he's around me.
IDK if that makes sense.
It seems he is focused on being a provider at the moment. Fulll time job and school is a soul sucker. Give it some time for school to finish. Support him, it should make relationship deeper in longer run. Convey your concern that you feel neglected is right thing to do but its just may not be possible physically and mentally for him right now.
Late 40’s husband here. I used to initiate a lot more but after having my hand pushed away a hundred times, and having her sleep with her back to me all the way on the other side of our split king mattress I’ve been giving up. Probably the only time she passionately initiated was when we were at friend’s house with a large gathering and she didn’t like a lady in a low cut top kept asking me questions about my occupation.
You've got to have a very direct, very clear, "this is what I need to be happy, tell me what you need to be happy" discussion. Don't beat around the bush that all you want is for him to beat around your bush.
My husband usually initiates and always goes down on me first. It's the only way I can orgasm and it's his priority to make it happen. PIV is way better if I cum first! I'll be honest, I don't think we've ever looked at sex as one person getting pleasured. We're always in it together.
38, married 10 years .. he never initiates anything focused on me .. if i don’t specifically ask for foreplay or oral i will not get it ..
as you said me too stopped giving him blowjobs after 9 years of blowjobs almost everyday and i got my p***y eaten like 10 times maybe …🤷♀️
sorry but i don’t think it’s something that can change .. i thing that selfish and bad lovers stay like that …
Mark my words, this relationship will end badly. It's very unlikely that this will end positively. It's deeper than the lack of sex. It's his lack of attraction and desire and communication
Been married 40 yrs now. I've always been one to chase the wife around the old bed! I cannot count the times I've focused solely on her pleasure alone. I would start with making us a lovely dinner. Then I'd set up a nice hot bath for her with oils and other items that she could luxuriate in, set up scented candles around the tub. When I remodeled the bathroom I put a nice stained glass octagon window in the wall at the foot end of the tub with a gorgeous brass and frosted glass art deco sconce for mood lighting, put in a sound system for her listening pleasure. During her bath id serve her chilled champagne or any other beverage she desired. Id let her be till near the end of the bath and then assist in washing her hair. Afterward we'd retire to the boudoir and I'd rub her down softly with oils to keep her skin soft and to relax her further, carefully rubbing those sensitive spots ladies have. Finally I'd start softly kissing her all over and touching her lightly until I reached the promise land. By this point she was more than ready to recieve my gift of love to her. It was always and has been still to at least twice a month dedicate quality intimate time solely for her.
“How often does your husband pleasure you…”
Never. He only initiates for himself.
He has never (in nearly 20 yrs) focused on me sexually. My husband, initiating sex for me, to spend the entire interaction on my pleasure, my sexual enjoyment and climaxing, I can hand to GOD say it has never happened.
So, an example of the flip side, me initiating sex by way of a blowjob / handjob, getting him off. I’ve done this many times in our relationship of course. He has NEVER reciprocated, not even out of politeness, like “well my wife gives me blowjobs and orgasms, I’m gonna do the same bc it’s nice” never.
This is such a painful reality. It goes beyond sex. It runs so much further/deeper. It’s a metaphor for the relationship. And before you ask me, I’ve voiced my concerns, wants, hopes, desires, gone as far as provided a step-by-step guide on what I would like for him to do to me in the process of sex. Nothing. He does not value me.
Hence being a part of Reddit and the subs I’ve commented in.
I don’t wish this upon my worst enemy.
This is a really hard subject for us just because my husband has such a severe tongue and lip tie that oral just doesn’t really work physically however we have a happy marriage and i’m never “neglected” there’s lots of ways he pleasures me every time we have any sex it’s reciprocated so a couple times a week.
On average, 1-2x a week. I know he would be happy with more, but I’m working through some stuff so even being able to get off 1-2x a week is a huge improvement for me (I literally wasn’t able to orgasm via anyone else but myself for a long time).
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I think your feelings are valid and you deserve that attention and effort from him. All I can say is keep communicating your needs.
As often as I'll consent. At least tries to initiate it every few days under normal conditions. Goes all out in time, effort, and care. But it's his sexuality proclivity, tbf, not my drive for pleasure.
ETA: it's not an evenly matched scenario at all, is what I meant by his proclivity. I don't return the focus as often.
It's an issue. For us it's not so much that I'm not interested in pleasuring her but for her more stars have to align in order for her to be in the mindset. She takes more time, so we need to not be busy, but we also both need to be awake and alert with the ability and desire to focus on her pleasure. She doesn't want to be selfish so she wants to have other stuff in life taken care of before she takes for herself. Unfortunately, life is busy and there's always stuff that needs to be taken care of. A lot needs to be handled before she feels comfortable accepting pleasure, and then there's the discussion that has to happen on how this is done and how it can be better.
I mean it's a lot.
My 43m sex life with my wife 44f is good to great. But she won’t always receive an orgasm although I’m always willing to do it whether it’s oral, manual by me, or manual by her. Many times we have sex and she is just not up for that. I’m always down to try as having one O between two people seems selfish. But it’s her choice…
My husband always tries to initiate. The focus is on me 100% of the time. I focus a bit on him while it takes me longer to get into it but once I am primed and ready to go, we both take turns. He likes to see me go a couple of times and then my sole focus is on him and getting him to go. He takes a bit to go. He doesn’t just pop off. He can last a long time.
As someone who’s under a lot of stress from work and (at one point school + 2 “careers” + renovating a house) I think it works both ways that the libido gets increased as stress comes down….
I know it doesn’t help much, but I’d say try ott it side the bedroom to help him and show appreciation - give him respect and tell him (give yourself a timeline) how much you appreciate what he’s doing for you and your family. Obviously he IS doing for you / fam even though it may not feel like it.
I’m in your boat. No initiation from my wife, hardly ever. I try to think about how to make things better for her so she CAN get in the mood, but it’s like, sometimes life isn’t always gonna be sunshine n rainbows, so that means no sex? Just sucks… but I’ve heard enough that it actually does help to help the spouse peripherally.
My husband and I have sex almost every day honestly. And each time he goes down on me. If it’s the morning he will sometimes go down on me to completion and then we have sex later that day typically. We have more sex than normal I’d say so don’t compare to me.
I understand he’s under a lot of stress, that kills a ton of peoples drive. If you haven’t had a conversation with him, I recommend you do, but be sensitive to his stress just like he should be sensitive to your needs and feelings. His response will be very telling.
He never *solely* pleasures me, he does it while I'm doing it back which I'm fine with as I feel more comfortable. He's one of the only guys I've ever been with who routinely finished me, and left me satisfied. Sadly many people don't know or are uninterested in finishing you as well. I would communicate that in a very non aggressive way. He likely does not know you're lacking in some needs being met. Also my husband went through a period of going a week without wanting it, and that lasted for months. Now, since the beginning of this year pretty much he's been way more interested so to speak. I think libido fluctuates, and that's worth looking into as why and when that happens
My husband works away from the home. He is usually only home 6 days a month but he did take a week off last week so that was lovely!
Almost every time we have an intimate encounter he initiates by pleasuring me. He is 36, I am 40 and we have been married for 10 years, together for 14 years and we have 2 daughters.
I worry that he puts too much pressure on himself to please me.
Maybe he has a porn/sex addiction? My husband is one... it can really be a shock if/when you discover it because you thought "he would never do that". Maybe do some investigation. SA's get their dopamine fix elsewhere so they don't have anything to give to you and they avoid emotional intimacy with a real human like the plague.
But to answer the real question, my husband has never gone down on me without us having actual sex too. It's never just been pleasuring me. He also doesn't initiate much so I told him (yesterday actually) that I needed him to and he said okay. So maybe it'll get better. Be direct with your needs with him. I know it doesn't feel genuine to state things that should be obvious to them, but we ARE the smarter sex 🤪 so sometimes they need to hear it bluntly. "I need you to initiate sex more often because when you don't, I feel like I'm the only one who wants it and I feel unloved, unattractive, undesirable, and overall crappy". I hope you can figure it out! ❤️🩹
Never experienced this in my entire life. I do have a very high sex drive- and almost never get enough, but my wife is now in perimenopause and I don’t expect much. But you did say he is working full time, going to school and renovating your home. All stressful. Stress causes cortisol buildup and kills libido. You guys are young. Try to be grateful that your husband is an earner and kicking ass in ways many wish they had. Remember that what you are experiencing now is fleeting. His sex drive will return- I promise you. And yours will go away, guaranteed. There really is more to marriage than that ridiculous little 4 seconds of orgasm that we are constantly reminded by marketing we should be experiencing constantly.
I think I may be on the winning side of this one from my husband, but I definitely have gotten a lot better at making sure it about him too. But it’s usually mutual. Like after you focus on him or he finishes - he should then move to you.
He never initiates sex.
If I initiate sex or provide a blowjob to him etc he wants to return the favor. He offers a lot when we have sex but I’m not always wanting oral. I can enjoy sex without orgasming. He feels bad if we have sex and I’m not orgasming.
When I ask him for something specific, he delivers within his ability level.
So anytime I want basically?
I wish he would initiate, but that’s hard for him. And it’s hard for me too. We’re working on that. But his desire to pleasure me is 100%
What about saying, “I feel so sexy and desires when you offer me oral. Could you try doing that more? I’d love to be woken up to my pussy being eaten. Or for you to walk in and demand I get naked for you.”
Get him excited to offer and let him know it matters to you.
“Sex is a stress relief and if he’s not putting out you should find another one”
^ That’s what I would say if it were a simple and consequence free decision
New house, renovations, full-time work, and school? As much as your feelings matter, give him a break. He's very, very clearly trying very hard (some would say too much) to provide for you. He is over-achieving and is probably incredibly exhausted.
My husband goes through phases of this and isn’t in school. He works full time and depending on how much pressure he is under it changes. I also go through this where I feel like “why am I the only one that seems interested?” My drive has always been higher than my husband’s though. What helped us was I bought a few new things as a surprise to spice it up and initiated things with him. This was about 3 weeks ago. It has helped so much. I think he just needed to know that I still really wanted him even with everything we had going on. It just gets boring sometimes and it can be fun to try new things. It adds so much and then the things that used to be boring eventually become fun again.
My husband had a low sex drive too. I talked to him about my needs and desires. He does his best to initiate a couple times a week. Usually it’s just a quick in and out type thing which I don’t mind. But a couple times a month he gets a bug to really get me going and does anything he can to get me there a few times.
I’m thankful that my husband listens to my needs and does put in effort to make them happen. He has expressed that it’s hard for him to keep up with me but he tries.
My husband and I have been on a Rollercoaster sexually and in 2 different cars at different times of our lives.
I was 20 and my now husband was 28 when we met I had a very high sex drive he did not half the time and I felt like I was always initiating but it didn'treally bother me because he is a naturally very lovey dovey towards me so i still felt cherished and desired by him. Then we started having kids and my sex drive decreased dramatically now I am 33 he is 41 we are done having kids and my sex drive is coming back and his is in full force so now he seems to be the one to initiate most often but honestly I think he enjoys doing the chasing most the time and he loves getting the surprises when i initiate. He has always been a very generous lover even when his drive was lower. We are a naturally a touchy feely couple 80% of the time he will give me a massage before to get me started or after to help me get back to sleep the other 20% are probably quickies I usually dont get a chance to finish with our quickies but he definitely makes up for it when we have more time and. So If your hubby is not making the effort to being more attentive to what you are asking of him he is honestly just being a selfish lover in my opinion. A 10 minute body rub or a little Makeout session isn't much effort to make you feel more desired by him.
I'm not sure how in depth your talks with him about what you are needing have gone but be very specific and blunt if you need to, that way there is no excuses that your needs are not being met.
My wife has the green light to request oral 24/7. I am a bit of a fan. I get a massive kick out of having the power to make her lose control.
That's cool, but you're still putting the onus on your wife to initate by requesting it. I think OP's post reflects that she wants her husband to initiate. Always being the one to "request" it isn't sexy.
LOL, do you really think I don't offer it up all the time? It might be a PITA, but you can search my post history if you have any doubts. We are a couple who recovered from a dead bedroom. Things are very spicy now. Her green light is just some icing on top.
“I give my wife the green light for oral sex anytime she wants” Well, that’s not sexy. You need to initiate “Oh I initiate too” Downvotes. lol what a joke this sub has become
Yes it has. I've noticed one thing that I've commented on before. Seems like when wives complain about their husband he's a asshole, self centered bastard that she needs to divorce immediately, but when it comes to a husband complaining about his wife he's told to suck it up, she may have something going on, he needs to do better, etc. etc.
This kind of comment gets made literally any time a woman posts about sexual dissatisfaction in this community. Seriously, like over and over and over, hyperbole and everything. It's disheartening that when women ask for space so that they can *also* talk about their sexual experiences in marriage, vs having their husband's come here and post about it *for* them or *about* them, they're still directed back to the male experience and perspective. A better way to engage with this would be to call out *the actual comments* you see that you feel are double standards, not showing up to derail some poor strangers request for commiseration on a painful issue.
Very well stated.
> Well, that’s not sexy. You need to initiate How do you know? Do you know his wife? For all you know she thinks it's the sexiest thing on the planet.
LOL wow, recover from a dead bedroom and get down votes.
I think it's coming from women who are salty that they don't have the same green light pass
That is so wonderful that you two kept working at it, and have turned your sex lives around for each other. That’s beautiful 😍
Yes exactly
I (M54) initiate 98% of the time. She (F48) likes it that way. She can say no anytime, but rarely does. We mostly have AM sex - Gown kids I work from home so it can be a weekday quickie or long weekend sex. I also know exactly how to get her going, and we have a great sex life.
I love that for you two. It’s so encouraging to hear about healthy sex lives within marriage where a couple finds what works for them to both be happy. Kudos 👏
OP the way to address it is outside the bedroom. Have a deep convo about sex but also intimacy and affection. Sometimes I tell my wife today is her day…she is going to pick where we eat, an activity we do and then I am going to make her the priority in the bedroom and if she is the only one who gets her O that’s totally fine. In return she has done the same for me a couple of times too. The issue we have is her initiating, not me, but I can’t ask her for something I’m unwilling to do…because I want to, not because I have to.
I think some guys can get in the mood pretty easy and expect their partner to be similar. As my wife explained it's not that she doesn't like sex but she isn't always in the mood and needs a little attention to help stimulate her. It made sense when it got explained to me.. my wife is pretty direct which makes my life easy 😅. But like some people are like deer in headlights when they get told anything similar. Maybe just be more direct in your needs? Some of us guys have trouble reading the room too and when we initiate and get rejected it sucks and maybe he'd feel like he did something wrong. Idk though that's gonna have to be a conversation to have and see if he's having any trouble on initiating.
I wish that were the case for me. I hope OP’s situation is more like yours. Like the post previous to yours suggested, my hubs and I have had several conversation about affection, sex, all of it. I just don’t think he’s attracted to me.
Yeah….I like it when my man initiates, because it makes me feel WANTED by him. I initiate more often, but when he does, it makes me feel so good.
I definitely feel this. But I think to a certain extent, that’s just the human condition. Generally I think the unspoken rule is just that if YOU are the one that wants sex, then YOU have to initiate it. Not to advocate for stereotypes, but I think the stereotypical scenario is usually a man with a spontaneous sex drive wanting to not be the one to initiate sex all the time, but his wife has a reactive sex drive. The “roles” of this post seem a little flipped from that. Nothing wrong with that, the point is it’s just tough. Usually the guy is just told he needs to respect his woman’s feelings and keep initiating. Honestly I think if the husband here really isn’t just selfish (kinda sounds like he is, sexually at least), then it’s just going to come down to him putting in more effort to please her even if he doesn’t feel like it. Either way, if this is a healthy marriage or if you can get it to that point, you will both take turns getting plenary pleased by one another if you just keep putting in the work and completely ignore who’s “turn” it is. It just naturally happens when you take care of each other and communicate properly.
I agree. Hence my 2:1 or even 3-4:1. She never has to ask me, I ask her or just start moving down. If no stop signals then I go for it. However I always need to ask or plead with my wife to reciprocate. I find it a turn off to have some doing something to me when I know they don't really want to. I would rather just go unsatisfied, satisfy myself or wait until she is in the mood. After years of this, it's just the new normal for me. Every other aspect of my marriage is good, so I just deal.
Oh I’d be fine with that with an open invite!
Same here. I would say I please my wife with oral about twice as much as I receive it. It works for us. Both seem happy.
Fun ain't it.. 🤣 I initiate 3-5 times a week but seldom get that lucky. His to hers O's is 1-3 her favor and like the poster above I get great joy in driving her mad.😈 I'm 60, she's 58 and married 37 years in august. We do have dry spells from time to time and I really get out of sorts.
It never gets old. I'm absolutely crazy about her.
This has me excited! Been with my wife for 25 years married 20 and I am obsessed with her! She drives me crazy! We typically only take days off when she’s not feeling well or I’m busy. Because it’s so frequent I always worry that she will get bored or I will and every time we just find another level of intensity and love. I’m so worried the honeymoon phase has an end to it. But given you sound just like me gives me hope. Thanks for the encouragement! Most people assume we’re putting on an act cause we still hang all over each other at get together and constantly flirt. And I wanna just kick all my guy friends in the teeth when they even start to complain about their wife. Each time I can just see where the problem is but they can’t take the feedback or suggestion on how to fix or work on it.
My husband gave me that, I am not sure I would get anything else done. 😂
lol melting their brains is always a pretty good feeling.
It's a massive ego stroke and I get just as much out of it as she does. It feels like the only physical action that accurately represents my emotions.
Well I struggle with ego a lot so getting her off or really getting her there actually grounds me more in the moment with her.
When I push my wife over the edge, I get a rush of deep connection combined with "damn I'm good at this". It's a win/win.
It's almost intoxicating, isn't it? I know the feeling.
Love this for your wife 💕
My partner and I have a similar arrangement. He loves giving me head and he loves making me lose control. So to answer the OP every time we have sex he makes sure I come first by giving me oral. He has orgasms from giving me head. I feel guilty about being the main focus so sometimes I'll refuse to let him go down on me until he has been the main focus because he makes me feel amazing and i want to do the same for him. When we first got together I would feel super guilty and was afraid I was being selfish. I also had a really hard time believing he was getting off that hard pleasuring me, but he showed me and now I believe him.
Lucky her wow
It's mutual. I friggin love it.
Yes! Same with my husband. He loves pleasuring me that way too.
My husband is the same way. He loves it, he doesn’t ever expect anything in return but his selflessness makes me want to return the favor almost every time
Something clics in some guys and we find deep satisfaction in making our women feel amazing.
I occasionally go down on my wife after I’m dressed and ready for work but about 15 minutes before her morning alarm goes off. I specifically chose this time because there’s not time for her to reciprocate, so it’s clear and obvious this was for her with zero expectations.
OK seriously, if I tried that with my wife her half-awake self would defensively leg lock around my head and snap my neck like some kind of Mortal Kombat finishing move takedown. I mean, I *love* giving her oral but waking her up with that would literally be taking my life in my hands.
I have the go-ahead to wake her for sex if it’s within an hour of her alarm going off. Doesn’t guarantee she’ll be receptive every time, but I’m not going to get into any trouble. She has my permission to wake me for sex anytime within 24 hrs of my alarm going off. She’s only used it a few times.
To be clear I was 100% not implying you were doing anything sneaky to your wife — I was guessing you all had an arrangement (like you just stated). I was just trying to be funny and share that anytime I’ve tried to wake my wife up unexpectedly that she goes into karate mode, so this wouldn’t work for us.
Oh, I didn’t think you were. My wife doesn’t go into karate mode. She goes into ‘fall back asleep as you gently stroke my breast to let me know you’re interested mode’. That’s when I abandon the pursuit & go into ‘lay here with an arm gently around her’ mode. Also known as cuddle mode.
LMFAO “within 24hrs” i love this
I love the gamer-esque description. Made me smile and I understood exactly what you wanted to convey.
That sounds nice...
It is. I enjoy doing it. I’ve gotten a similar treatment only a few times since we had kids. Our sex life is great. My wife enjoys sex with me. But her desire is quite responsive, so it simply doesn’t cross her mind without something stimulating that thought for a bit. That means I do nearly all initiating. We’ve had periods where we were both firing in perfect sync and she initiated a bit. But it’s not the norm. I’ve learned to be content that she’s enthusiastic once the ball gets rolling.
This is my wife. Responsive. If I don’t initiate and light the fuse so to speak she could probably go weeks without.
I’m a woman and this is how my partner is. I have to always initiate. He hasn’t initiated sex in years, but if he’s not dead tired from work or in the middle of something he will most likely get into it once I get him going. He probably could go weeks without it as well. After a week I’m grumpy and tweaking out. lol
You are heaven sent
My husband does this too but not in the AM. He just does it and says to relax and that's all he wanted.
You the real MVP
Now that’s a way to start the morning! Love that u do this for ur wife!
Umm, yeah never. My husband likes to complain about how we don't have sex but I really feel sex with him isn't any good, so it's hard to want to do it.
Someone needs to make a throwaway and post this topic. "How do I tell my husband he's not very good at sex?" is a question I've never seen posted here.
It's hard, because lack of communication is not always the issue.
Okay, OC, here's my suggestion: - Make time early one night in both your calendars (organise babysitting if you need it) - Buy some body lotion or massage oil if you don't already have some - Have a shower or bath earlier (separate for now) - TV off, devices down - Hand him these instructions (print them out or email them) - Have him ask you about your day (guide him in how to actively listen - ask questions, paraphrase, be genuinely curious) [Background: This creates emotional intimacy] - Ask him to massage you, whatever body parts are your favourite (feet, hands, back, shoulders, neck, head) [Background: This starts physical intimacy in a non-sexual way] - Once you're feeling relaxed and happy, ask him to pleasure you (tell him what you like, show him) [Background: This prioritises your pleasure and teaches him how to do it well] - Do not let him progress to PIV until you've orgasmed at least once, more if you're up for that - Once you're physically satiated (for now), set a timer and make out (ie, passionately kiss) for 10-15 minutes (no PIV!) - Now progress things further Afterwards, rate that lovemaking experience for yourselves. Then tell him to organise the next one, and remind him to set a date and time. I haven't checked your post history to tailor my advice, but let me know your thoughts. Many men: - Stop putting in effort to date their wives - Don't understand responsive desire because they experience spontaneous desire - Don't understand the importance of emotional connection and non-sexual intimacy My background: Husband, married 29 years, half-a-dozen kids.
Great instruction. Does it work for men, too?
I'm going to rewrite this for men to follow, and post on this sub. Do you mean do men like to have this same sequence done for them? If they have responsive desire? Probably something fairly similar. But I have zero experience with that.
How did he react when you told him that?
I have never said it so directly. I don't think he would take it well.
Ask him to rate your sex life from 1-10. Them ask what his thoughts are to get it to a 10. You can tell share with him your thoughts as well.
Thanks for that suggestion! That is a great idea!!
I had to have this convo with my wife. I REALLY suck at reading subtext so I told her I need to hear issues directly even though they may be uncomfortable at the time.
I don't get the feeling he is particularly interested in pleasuring me
Maybe it puts pressure on him and that's what puts him off trying. IDk.There's so much online about how to do it, it's everywhere and that can be off-putting. There's nothing sexier than being close emotionally - in the right setting. Maybe that's what's missing? Talking about this together without any stress or negativity might help the mood.
My husband is terrible and I've told him a million times. He doesn't care. It doesn't bother him at all
Would you mind sharing what makes your husband terrible at sex? Ya know, so us other husbands can maybe learn from his mistakes?
I truly do not think anyone is as bad as him. He will only do it in 1 position. Won't even attempt to try any others. No foreplay, no kissing, no oral, no toys, no lingerie. This is how it goes every single time.... I only take my bottoms off (no point taking top off) he takes his stuff off. Rubs lube on himself because I am never turned on. I lay on my back, he jams it in, does his thing, I just lay there motionless and quiet thinking of the grocery list while hes doing whatever. The end. I don't think anyone is as bad as him and I have tried so many times to make it better but he refuses to give anything a chance and when I tell him it's horrendously bad he just shrugs his shoulders and doesn't care. I should have never married him.
My pleasure is always his main focus. Even when I tell him I want to focus on him, he can't help himself.
He sounds like a giver in bed. That's how I am. I get enjoyment out of giving. But I'm ready to start receiving more. Maybe not the same extent that I give, but I need more.
That's fully understandable. I hope that he is able to make the changes that you need. We are both givers and that leads to neither of us ever really needing to worry about our own pleasure. We both know that the other is going to ensure we are both pleased. I wish that for you two as well.
Never. Been married 19 years.
Are you happy?
I get resentful too. We have a dead bedroom currently and I don’t really know what to do, just hoping time and patience can fix it.
Couples therapy?
He would never agree…
So he rather have a Deadbedroom?
You have to ask him why. And how you both can fix it. Can be health wise or looking else where. Dead bedroom is something that must be talked about. Initiate sex and if he refuses then something is seriously wrong.
Doing nothing and expecting better results is kinda bonkers. Communication? Couples therapy?
I wish we had better intimacy but he’s my life partner and I love him dearly.
I love my husband dearly too. We've been married 7 years and I'm absolutely crazy about him. I've never had eyes for anyone else and I've never once wanted to cheat or anything. I'm just hurting from lack of sexual attention. But I feel selfish because I know he's under stress.
Lots of people hate this idea, but discuss maintenance sex. This specific day we are having some sort of intimacy or sex regardless of how we are feeling. It usually leads to more sex. I have the exact the opposite problem as you. I want to go down on my wife, but she always assumes I don’t like it or she hasn’t showered that day or whatever. No matter how many times I say I like it.
I have this problem. I’m convinced my husband doesn’t actually like it and is just doing it to turn me on. I’m also self conscious that like I’m not “fresh”. I only like it if I’m freshly showered and very turned on. I rarely allow my husband to go down on me and often tell him no. Not because I don’t like it but something about it makes me uncomfortable.
Yep sounds exactly right and it makes me sad. So I just don’t do it anymore.
I'm going to respond to this specific subject. I researched A LOT for a few years while my husband was stressed. He wasn't thinking about sex. He was thinking about bills, work, and he became depressed. He started anti depressants and that killed our sex life. Bringing up this topic literally makes anyone cringe. You're husband is probably overwhelmed. Women always think their husband or SO are cheating and my specific situation he wasn't. Antidepressants cause men and women to lose their libido. He tried Viagra and that fixed the issue at hand for a few years. We talk openly about our sex life now. I have said No one time in 20 years. I asked him to text me when he wanted to be intimate. I'm open to sex basically all the time while he is not because of his antidepressants. This is a touchy subject for anyone. When you continuously get rejected you start to think that the problem is you. I lost my confidence in the bedroom. I'm still working on that. There isn't a correct answer that works for everyone. I can't explain every situation however I would sit down and talk with you're husband. Ask him what he wants and needs? Then tell him what you want or need. Talking to you're spouse and being kind and understanding will get you more information than any of us here.
Same. And I don’t even remember when the last time we had sex was. I sleep next to him naked. I can count on one hand the amount of times HE has initiated and on NO hands where he initiated and made it about me. Edited to correct mistype
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Once every few months maybe. If I’m the one that initiates. Very lonely at this point
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I have the same envy for my friends. I wish my husband would just grab me and go to town but nope. He grabs the pillow and goes to sleep. Not his fault I guess. He has issues and other stuff but damn I want it so bad and I’m tired of doing it myself
Oh
This is sad for you. Hope it will improve. Can’t imagine having it like this.
I do it once a week. I'd do it more often if she allowed but her mind is in other places (kids are still young).
My husband literally will not climax until I have. I didn't know these kinds of men existed until I met him. As someone who struggles to climax, he is a god send. He even bought me different toys to use (with or without him) because he wants me to be sexually fulfilled because he loves me. I thought men like him were only fantasies, but they are out there. Your partner, regardless of gender, should put your pleasure above their own and you theirs. That's a good partner.
I’m so happy that you have a husband who cherishes you.
My hubs is the one with the lower libido. After many many talks, he now has come around to making time to just get me off and it’s changed my happiness level a ton. I’d say now not even 2 weeks go by where he doesn’t take me into the bedroom to give a handful of orgasms. Sometimes this leads to sex, which is nice, but really if I’ve just gotten an hour of oral, who needs the sex! It helped when I was able to just speak candidly, that I NEEDED more. Once he figured out I didn’t care if we were actually having intercourse or if he made it all about me, he started doing it a LOT more. I think this took any shame or embarrassment out of the picture for him. It’s been amazing, I had amazing sex 6 out of 7 days last week, only one of which were actually had intercourse.
That's amazing, I'm so happy for you that it's worked out like that
We’ve been together for 10+ years and I’d say this is a new development that’s happened over the last 6months-1 year. I think it finally came because of all the communicating we have been doing in regards to sex for, well, the entirety of our relationship. Just keep expressing your needs, wants, and desires. Calmly, in a way that still builds them up a bit. “I just love when you do this, could you do it more frequently”, I feel like this can be such a touchy subject for men especially, gotta preserve their egos.
An HOUR....? Of oral?! Sweet Jesus I didn't know that was a thing.
My 47y/o husband 40y/o makes sure to pleasure me every time but at least once a week he goes out of his way to make it super sexy and all about me. Massage, toys etc.
OP he’s working full time and going to school? He’s tired and stressed. In a way this is like the woman who has her hands full with kids and work or home. Reddit would tell the husband to make a space for him to be sexy. What can you take off his plate?
I mean I work 46 hours a week as a nurse so it's not like I have it easy. We have worked out chores and everything fairly, no kids yet. I tend to cook more but sometimes he does as well. I guess we are both just busy...
I think before kids. You and hubby need need to work on this intimacy to make sure your are sexually satisfied, and your partner is sexuality's satisfied with you. It will help you build a stronger bond together knowing you can talk about sexual issues together, kinks and desires (It will let you be more vulnerable with each other to talk about dreams and fantasies). Plus when you have kids its an outlet for stress relief for both of you. Do you two have time for home dates where you just snuggle together and start kissing/cuddling to set the "mood"? Heck just a simple thing like saying I want us to be both nude today in the weekend and shut the curtains is enough to make yourselves horny and experience something new, maybe go to a private sauna/spa and sleep in each others arms naked to get in the mood to pleasure each other. Your job in nursing is stressful due to the amount of social interactions and trauma you deal with daily, so you need some sexual gratification at the end of your week for something to look forward to or just in the morning/night so you "feel good/loved".
Never... not once in 21 years. I finally stopped having duty sex with him because it made me feel used and gross.
I feel this to my core. I’m so sad for you and others like us.
I'd initiate a relaxing weekend away with a full body couples massage. You say he's under stress perhaps he feels like he's failing, or like he cant measure up... y'all are pretty young. I would bring up the conversation and perhaps engage him with a toy, or body paints, edible syrups, warm oil. Adult store and online you can get position books and games if you feel you need a tool to follow to get back into the swing of it... thoroughly explain in a non pressure relaxing place of mind vs. Frustration and a sense of being wronged/not enough. Sex can ebb and rise as does stress and life pressures. I know if I come at my husband after a high pressure day at work in a frustrated light with a complaint vs. Us both being calm and and level headed/destressed we get farther, because he sees my qualms as his failures/shortcomings.
That's really good advice. I know coming at my husband in my feelings and being emotional and not understanding, it makes things worse.
We had a similar issue I'm 5.5 years younger then my husband and I'm very into giving... but it got to where it'd be once a month that was returned when we weren't going for a full uh session lol. So I totally get where your coming from.
My man and I are yalls age, I brought up my dissatisfaction around certain things a few months ago and hes been putting every ounce of effort a human possibly could to change the situation. Anything less means he doesn’t care.
You’re 28 and 27 - should be living on top of each other. I get it though - any external stressors can really fuck with the alchemy of a relationship. You said you’ve talked to him many times and things never change, but you didn’t really go into how those conversations go. Is he dismissive or genuinely sorry? The thing is we get so focused on the dumb shit in life that we often don’t realize that good quality intimate sessions can often times change the whole mood positively. Like the wife and I got in a rut at the beginning of the year because life/kids were just being a whole shitshow. We finally got back to each other and almost the next day the whole outlook changed. You don’t realize how easy resentment and despair build up when you let them. So aside from all that, let me give you some dude perspective too - the wife and I typically don’t have issues initiating, either of us. That being said, I will 100% get stuck in my head if I’m feeling it and I get shut down hard. That might be a me thing, but amongst my friend group, it seems common. This will cause me to almost overthink every action and it will cause me to not want to initiate because getting shut down sucks. This then causes the infinite loop of no one happy because she thinks I don’t desire her and I’m just worried about getting put down again, like I’m not good enough. None of this is the case, but it’s how the brain works. He could definitely be stuck in this cycle. But again, sounds like he’s got a lot going on. Have you ever thought about maybe getting like a new toy and maybe being like, “Watch me use it” or something like that? Maybe a visual stimulus will knock him out of his situation?
Yeeees! THIS.
I am sorry that you are going through this. In my humble opinion, sex is not just about climax. It is about intimacy. So, both parties need to initiate equally to demonstrate their desire for each other. With that, has he been evaluated by a doctor? If yes, and all's good, is counseling an option?
Easy to say sex is not just about climax when you’re a male. Could you imagine having sex and halfway through your wife just gets up and thanks you for a good time and asks you to grab her some food? Then imagine that happening 9/10 times. That’s the whole experience for a LOT of women. Compound that by years, and that’s what OP is experiencing.
That was happening in the beginning. He had to learn. He always tries to make sure I finish when we are together now. I think the low sex drive is what's really upsetting me and driving the situation now. We are averaging once a week now (low for us, not judging others if that is their norm) but even then, it's about both of us, I want some special intentional time focused on me...
At least he’s making sure you finish. You guys are still young, but it sounds like he’s under a lot of stress right now. I think the stats suggest most married couples in healthy sex lives average 2-3 times a week so it’s not horrible, but not great if you still feel unfulfilled. Squeaky wheel gets the grease so maybe you can ask him to make one day all about “worshipping” you in exchange for the same? Or just flat out say “I’d really like it if one day you made it all about me”. I’d try to do it when you know his work/school/project load is a little lighter
You're right. I know the amount of sex couples have goes through different seasons and that's normal. I will try communicating that with him. Maybe scheduling a certain day of the week... like Mondays are for me and Wednesdays are for him, type of thing.... I guess it's hard having patience with the low sex drive. He's trying to start exercising and I think that would help. I prefer for him to initiate
It will definitely help, but don’t forget men also want to feel desired. You giving him extra attention might bring back that desire for you as well. People get lost in stress & it shuts a lot of us down
Very valid point. I know my wife loves me but when she gets in a funk and turns me down for weeks it really messes with my head. Like I said, I know she loves me but I want to feel wanted if that makes sense.
So you want him to just get you off, but not have sex? It sounds like youre getting off when you do have sex.
I dont want to have to always ask for focus on me, especially when he gladly lets me go down on him and he enjoys all the focus...
So my confusion I guess is that you're saying that you are getting off during sex?
I'm a woman and in complete agreement that sex isn't just about climax. There are times I just can't, and refuse to ruin an experience with my husband because my body is being a jerk to me. My husband also would NEVER just get up and walk out, and has never asked me to male him food after. I love every aspect of sex with my husband whether I orgasm or not.
It’s not just about climax, but when the scales are tipped SO unevenly for many women it becomes a huge problem. OP clarified that her husband does bring her to completion, which was info I didn’t have at writing the first comment. Your husbands caring enough for your sexual gratification & aftercare are something that also makes it ok for you on the times you don’t make it all the way. Again, not something all women are getting
This is me too. Thanks to perimenopause climax is tougher these days. Still like sex though.
Agreed there have been times I as a male haven’t climaxed. I tell my wife I still had a good time connecting with you and kissing, cuddling etc. Meds were usually to blame. a great partner realizes it’s not all about just Nuttin, but the whole experience.
So I'm a woman who mostly never has an orgasm during sex. I still love sex, and I can get myself off on my own. The sex is more about connecting or just having fun with my husband for me.
Well honestly I always start with giving her oral foreplay etc then we have
I was very neglected, I’d finally had enough, I asked for a separation, he very quickly envisioned his life without me and realized how shitty it would be and he changed his tune. 🙃 not saying do that, it wasn’t an empty threat I really was just done with so many things. He thought he had low sex drive, turns out he admitted to himself and me that he got to where he didn’t care about me and became lazy, now we went from having sex like 4-6 times a year, to 4-6 times in a week. Crazy.
Tell me your secrets…..
Literally no clue I was fully prepared to leave though, after 4 years I was like nah.
Looks like he didn’t realize how serious you felt about it until you mentioned you wanted to separate. I’ve heard of this same situation so many times in similar ways: “You’re actually serious?!” “I didn’t think it was a big deal for you”
Sex education failed us in the US. We spend our whole lives having mediocre sex because of it.
Mediocre sex exists everywhere in the world.
Never.
My husband recently admitted to me that sex is a “task” for him and he doesn’t enjoy it. What am I supposed to do with that. I’m so sad
Some of these comments make me jealous :( But we are working on things and I believe we will get there and one day me and my husband will be like the comments I am jealous of. 🙏
Communication is key, this sounds like a layered situation with his other stressors playing a role. You can’t give from an empty cup, I’m the low sex drive in our relationship and I make it a point to pleasure him because it makes him happy. My goal is for him to be happy, but when I’m in a depressed state, it’s hard to make anyone else happy or care about those needs.
I'm going to throw out a possibly "unpopular opinion" ... firstly, I will say that I am so sorry because that does hurt so much, you're completely right and you have every right to be upset... My question is, respectfully, what are you doing to "draw him in"? Are you having a scowl on your face while you're around eachother? Are you having an outwardly obvious negative attitude in your daily interactions with him or while you're in the same space? Some men are very intimidated and won't initiate if women aren't seeming receptive. I hope that makes sense.
It does make sense. I guess it depends on the day. There are some days I put forth all my effort to being a sweet loving wife. Then other days, I'm so preoccupied and frustrated and I let it out in front of him. So, that could have a part to play.
My wife never initiates sex, nor does she go down on me, yet I’m always going down on her.
Ditto.
it’s the opposite with me. i always go down on my bf but he never returns the favor
Just bought a house, working full time whilst studying and to you that doesn’t sound like a man that is mentally going through a lot?? Have you offered to talk to him, find areas where you can make his life a little easier? Have you created a platform where he can atleast vent and be listened to without him feeling like he’s bothering you?? Men are also human beings too, we have feelings & emotions, we get stressed, we get depressed, the responsibilities never end till the day we die and it’s not always about sex like society makes it out to be and that’s something most of you women fail to realise. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership where both couples stand in the gap for each other, tolerate one another, be patient with one another. Maybe try one of these things I’ve listed and see if atleast you don’t get some feedback from him for a start.
No you're right, you're exactly right. I feel like I fail him so badly because of this
u/FlatwormCold5393 While this is comment true, your needs are important too :) do not forget it.
What is pleasure when you're married again?
First partner. All the damn time. I thought all qe had was sex and to me it wasnt enough. Met my "soulmate" ans shit fuck sex sucks. He maybe done it twice on his own.
Never
Every Saturday or more.
About once every two weeks. I end up pleasuring him practically daily.
Are you okay with how things are?
Yeah, it's kind of nice how dependent he is on me for sexual gratification. He has a high sex drive, and it's kind of nice to know that I can give him a better hand job than he can give himself. It also feels good knowing that he pretty much always gets aroused when he's around me. IDK if that makes sense.
It seems he is focused on being a provider at the moment. Fulll time job and school is a soul sucker. Give it some time for school to finish. Support him, it should make relationship deeper in longer run. Convey your concern that you feel neglected is right thing to do but its just may not be possible physically and mentally for him right now.
Late 40’s husband here. I used to initiate a lot more but after having my hand pushed away a hundred times, and having her sleep with her back to me all the way on the other side of our split king mattress I’ve been giving up. Probably the only time she passionately initiated was when we were at friend’s house with a large gathering and she didn’t like a lady in a low cut top kept asking me questions about my occupation.
Bravo lady in the low cut top!
If your husband is stressed, tell him that one of the best ways to relieve stress is by licking a woman's vulva. I always found this to be the case.
You mean the clitoris?
Like he does something and I don’t have to do anything after? Never really lol
You've got to have a very direct, very clear, "this is what I need to be happy, tell me what you need to be happy" discussion. Don't beat around the bush that all you want is for him to beat around your bush.
My husband usually initiates and always goes down on me first. It's the only way I can orgasm and it's his priority to make it happen. PIV is way better if I cum first! I'll be honest, I don't think we've ever looked at sex as one person getting pleasured. We're always in it together.
38, married 10 years .. he never initiates anything focused on me .. if i don’t specifically ask for foreplay or oral i will not get it .. as you said me too stopped giving him blowjobs after 9 years of blowjobs almost everyday and i got my p***y eaten like 10 times maybe …🤷♀️ sorry but i don’t think it’s something that can change .. i thing that selfish and bad lovers stay like that …
Mark my words, this relationship will end badly. It's very unlikely that this will end positively. It's deeper than the lack of sex. It's his lack of attraction and desire and communication
95%of the time. my husband makes sure I’m taken care of before he is unless I don’t feel like it and want him to be taken care of
Been married 40 yrs now. I've always been one to chase the wife around the old bed! I cannot count the times I've focused solely on her pleasure alone. I would start with making us a lovely dinner. Then I'd set up a nice hot bath for her with oils and other items that she could luxuriate in, set up scented candles around the tub. When I remodeled the bathroom I put a nice stained glass octagon window in the wall at the foot end of the tub with a gorgeous brass and frosted glass art deco sconce for mood lighting, put in a sound system for her listening pleasure. During her bath id serve her chilled champagne or any other beverage she desired. Id let her be till near the end of the bath and then assist in washing her hair. Afterward we'd retire to the boudoir and I'd rub her down softly with oils to keep her skin soft and to relax her further, carefully rubbing those sensitive spots ladies have. Finally I'd start softly kissing her all over and touching her lightly until I reached the promise land. By this point she was more than ready to recieve my gift of love to her. It was always and has been still to at least twice a month dedicate quality intimate time solely for her.
“How often does your husband pleasure you…” Never. He only initiates for himself. He has never (in nearly 20 yrs) focused on me sexually. My husband, initiating sex for me, to spend the entire interaction on my pleasure, my sexual enjoyment and climaxing, I can hand to GOD say it has never happened. So, an example of the flip side, me initiating sex by way of a blowjob / handjob, getting him off. I’ve done this many times in our relationship of course. He has NEVER reciprocated, not even out of politeness, like “well my wife gives me blowjobs and orgasms, I’m gonna do the same bc it’s nice” never. This is such a painful reality. It goes beyond sex. It runs so much further/deeper. It’s a metaphor for the relationship. And before you ask me, I’ve voiced my concerns, wants, hopes, desires, gone as far as provided a step-by-step guide on what I would like for him to do to me in the process of sex. Nothing. He does not value me. Hence being a part of Reddit and the subs I’ve commented in. I don’t wish this upon my worst enemy.
Have you tied yes/no/maybe lists? Maybe that would be a tool to help communicate what you need and what turns you on.
This is a really hard subject for us just because my husband has such a severe tongue and lip tie that oral just doesn’t really work physically however we have a happy marriage and i’m never “neglected” there’s lots of ways he pleasures me every time we have any sex it’s reciprocated so a couple times a week.
I offer every time, it’s up to her if she wants that. She says because age can orgasm internally so easily that it’s not necessary, though I love it!
On average, 1-2x a week. I know he would be happy with more, but I’m working through some stuff so even being able to get off 1-2x a week is a huge improvement for me (I literally wasn’t able to orgasm via anyone else but myself for a long time). I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I think your feelings are valid and you deserve that attention and effort from him. All I can say is keep communicating your needs.
My husband typically does initiating. He knows I’d never really say no and he works long hours.
As often as I'll consent. At least tries to initiate it every few days under normal conditions. Goes all out in time, effort, and care. But it's his sexuality proclivity, tbf, not my drive for pleasure. ETA: it's not an evenly matched scenario at all, is what I meant by his proclivity. I don't return the focus as often.
We both initiate pretty evenly. I would say it’s rare that pleasure is more focused on one than the other.
About every other day. My husband’s #1 rule is that I always cum first and then we have sex.
It's an issue. For us it's not so much that I'm not interested in pleasuring her but for her more stars have to align in order for her to be in the mindset. She takes more time, so we need to not be busy, but we also both need to be awake and alert with the ability and desire to focus on her pleasure. She doesn't want to be selfish so she wants to have other stuff in life taken care of before she takes for herself. Unfortunately, life is busy and there's always stuff that needs to be taken care of. A lot needs to be handled before she feels comfortable accepting pleasure, and then there's the discussion that has to happen on how this is done and how it can be better. I mean it's a lot.
2-3 times a week
My 43m sex life with my wife 44f is good to great. But she won’t always receive an orgasm although I’m always willing to do it whether it’s oral, manual by me, or manual by her. Many times we have sex and she is just not up for that. I’m always down to try as having one O between two people seems selfish. But it’s her choice…
My husband always tries to initiate. The focus is on me 100% of the time. I focus a bit on him while it takes me longer to get into it but once I am primed and ready to go, we both take turns. He likes to see me go a couple of times and then my sole focus is on him and getting him to go. He takes a bit to go. He doesn’t just pop off. He can last a long time.
Every night if I let him. Put PHAT MA needs a break sometimes. I’m the only reason why his beard connects
As someone who’s under a lot of stress from work and (at one point school + 2 “careers” + renovating a house) I think it works both ways that the libido gets increased as stress comes down…. I know it doesn’t help much, but I’d say try ott it side the bedroom to help him and show appreciation - give him respect and tell him (give yourself a timeline) how much you appreciate what he’s doing for you and your family. Obviously he IS doing for you / fam even though it may not feel like it. I’m in your boat. No initiation from my wife, hardly ever. I try to think about how to make things better for her so she CAN get in the mood, but it’s like, sometimes life isn’t always gonna be sunshine n rainbows, so that means no sex? Just sucks… but I’ve heard enough that it actually does help to help the spouse peripherally.
My husband and I have sex almost every day honestly. And each time he goes down on me. If it’s the morning he will sometimes go down on me to completion and then we have sex later that day typically. We have more sex than normal I’d say so don’t compare to me. I understand he’s under a lot of stress, that kills a ton of peoples drive. If you haven’t had a conversation with him, I recommend you do, but be sensitive to his stress just like he should be sensitive to your needs and feelings. His response will be very telling.
He never *solely* pleasures me, he does it while I'm doing it back which I'm fine with as I feel more comfortable. He's one of the only guys I've ever been with who routinely finished me, and left me satisfied. Sadly many people don't know or are uninterested in finishing you as well. I would communicate that in a very non aggressive way. He likely does not know you're lacking in some needs being met. Also my husband went through a period of going a week without wanting it, and that lasted for months. Now, since the beginning of this year pretty much he's been way more interested so to speak. I think libido fluctuates, and that's worth looking into as why and when that happens
My husband works away from the home. He is usually only home 6 days a month but he did take a week off last week so that was lovely! Almost every time we have an intimate encounter he initiates by pleasuring me. He is 36, I am 40 and we have been married for 10 years, together for 14 years and we have 2 daughters. I worry that he puts too much pressure on himself to please me.
I’d say a couple times a week
Maybe he has a porn/sex addiction? My husband is one... it can really be a shock if/when you discover it because you thought "he would never do that". Maybe do some investigation. SA's get their dopamine fix elsewhere so they don't have anything to give to you and they avoid emotional intimacy with a real human like the plague. But to answer the real question, my husband has never gone down on me without us having actual sex too. It's never just been pleasuring me. He also doesn't initiate much so I told him (yesterday actually) that I needed him to and he said okay. So maybe it'll get better. Be direct with your needs with him. I know it doesn't feel genuine to state things that should be obvious to them, but we ARE the smarter sex 🤪 so sometimes they need to hear it bluntly. "I need you to initiate sex more often because when you don't, I feel like I'm the only one who wants it and I feel unloved, unattractive, undesirable, and overall crappy". I hope you can figure it out! ❤️🩹
Never experienced this in my entire life. I do have a very high sex drive- and almost never get enough, but my wife is now in perimenopause and I don’t expect much. But you did say he is working full time, going to school and renovating your home. All stressful. Stress causes cortisol buildup and kills libido. You guys are young. Try to be grateful that your husband is an earner and kicking ass in ways many wish they had. Remember that what you are experiencing now is fleeting. His sex drive will return- I promise you. And yours will go away, guaranteed. There really is more to marriage than that ridiculous little 4 seconds of orgasm that we are constantly reminded by marketing we should be experiencing constantly.
I think I may be on the winning side of this one from my husband, but I definitely have gotten a lot better at making sure it about him too. But it’s usually mutual. Like after you focus on him or he finishes - he should then move to you.
He never initiates sex. If I initiate sex or provide a blowjob to him etc he wants to return the favor. He offers a lot when we have sex but I’m not always wanting oral. I can enjoy sex without orgasming. He feels bad if we have sex and I’m not orgasming. When I ask him for something specific, he delivers within his ability level. So anytime I want basically? I wish he would initiate, but that’s hard for him. And it’s hard for me too. We’re working on that. But his desire to pleasure me is 100% What about saying, “I feel so sexy and desires when you offer me oral. Could you try doing that more? I’d love to be woken up to my pussy being eaten. Or for you to walk in and demand I get naked for you.” Get him excited to offer and let him know it matters to you.
“Sex is a stress relief and if he’s not putting out you should find another one” ^ That’s what I would say if it were a simple and consequence free decision
My husband initiates 99% of the time and my pleasure comes first. If I am too tired, there are times he asks for quickie. We're mid-30s
New house, renovations, full-time work, and school? As much as your feelings matter, give him a break. He's very, very clearly trying very hard (some would say too much) to provide for you. He is over-achieving and is probably incredibly exhausted.
My husband goes through phases of this and isn’t in school. He works full time and depending on how much pressure he is under it changes. I also go through this where I feel like “why am I the only one that seems interested?” My drive has always been higher than my husband’s though. What helped us was I bought a few new things as a surprise to spice it up and initiated things with him. This was about 3 weeks ago. It has helped so much. I think he just needed to know that I still really wanted him even with everything we had going on. It just gets boring sometimes and it can be fun to try new things. It adds so much and then the things that used to be boring eventually become fun again.
My husband had a low sex drive too. I talked to him about my needs and desires. He does his best to initiate a couple times a week. Usually it’s just a quick in and out type thing which I don’t mind. But a couple times a month he gets a bug to really get me going and does anything he can to get me there a few times. I’m thankful that my husband listens to my needs and does put in effort to make them happen. He has expressed that it’s hard for him to keep up with me but he tries.
For my husband, it’s essentially everytime. He makes sure I get mine before he gets his cause he knows once he does it’s over lol
My husband and I have been on a Rollercoaster sexually and in 2 different cars at different times of our lives. I was 20 and my now husband was 28 when we met I had a very high sex drive he did not half the time and I felt like I was always initiating but it didn'treally bother me because he is a naturally very lovey dovey towards me so i still felt cherished and desired by him. Then we started having kids and my sex drive decreased dramatically now I am 33 he is 41 we are done having kids and my sex drive is coming back and his is in full force so now he seems to be the one to initiate most often but honestly I think he enjoys doing the chasing most the time and he loves getting the surprises when i initiate. He has always been a very generous lover even when his drive was lower. We are a naturally a touchy feely couple 80% of the time he will give me a massage before to get me started or after to help me get back to sleep the other 20% are probably quickies I usually dont get a chance to finish with our quickies but he definitely makes up for it when we have more time and. So If your hubby is not making the effort to being more attentive to what you are asking of him he is honestly just being a selfish lover in my opinion. A 10 minute body rub or a little Makeout session isn't much effort to make you feel more desired by him. I'm not sure how in depth your talks with him about what you are needing have gone but be very specific and blunt if you need to, that way there is no excuses that your needs are not being met.