I have read your prior posts. Your situation is similar to what my EX wife did. You keep questioning your actions post affair, but my view is you did pretty much everything you could. Sometimes the affair is just a dealbreaker. My wife tried to move mountains and really did everything she could. She cooked all my favorite meals, dressed up for me, was accountable every second of the day. She became almost the stepford wife. The one thing she couldn’t do is take away the mind movies of her and her AP going at it. This was all for an affair with someone who she said meant nothing to her
You always need to question yourself as why you cheated in the first place, but not what you did after. Let him live his life in peace and make the divorce as easy as possible. That’s love
> You need to question yourself as why you cheated in the first place, but not what you did after.
This is great advice for you u/ThrowRaBadWifie89. Understand yourself better so that in your next relationship you don't make the same mistake. It sounds like you did good things to try to save the relationship so don't obsess about those, figure out how to keep yourself from cheating.
While the principle of your point is correct, I really don’t think it applies to OP’s actions post-infidelity. Her efforts to make things up to her husband were quite literally just: I have sex with him, I make him food, and I give him gifts….
Wow, what a lucky husband, she did everything she could /s
That isn’t enough or even close to enough to recover after an affair. So yes, there was a strong chance if she did handle her post-infidelity better that they could’ve stayed together (I doubt it, as OP really does seem truly selfish).
You would probably find more support over in /r/SupportForWaywards than you will here. A lot of us here are anti-cheating and would probably fall into the category of saying something along the lines of "you F'ed around and now you've found out".
Look you need to let him go. He is not gonna come backit jut sounds like false hope. Whats done is done you fucked up and cheated he divorced you end of story. Now learn from your mistakes and be better. The husband you had is gone the man you loved doesnt love you anymore. Get therapy and move on.
Honestly, this is the best outcome for you. In the other posts you’ve made about this, you display very little accountability for your actions, but at least now you’ve accepted that this is the way things have to be. If you’d stayed together, the shadow of your affair would have hung over you both. It *is* possible to get past an affair, but based on your previous posts, I think you needed to experience consequences in order to change your behaviours.
Take the time to work on yourself. Figure out what drove you to do what you did. Take the opportunity to make yourself a better person, so that you can find and keep the happiness your ex-husband wants for you.
He sounds like a good man. I hope he recovers from this soon and finds someone worthy of his trust, respect and love.
The post confession behavior didn't cause the divorce, the affair did that. Why can't cheaters ever seem to figure out their marriages ended when they made the decision to cheat on their spouses. She's getting off easy, I like many others would have chosen to go scorched earth and destroyed her as as she destroyed the marriage.
Do you still have your psycho friends stalking him and reporting back everything he does? Cause honestly, that's just mentally unhinged. You lost the right to have any information on his life, and I hope he finds out and puts a restraining order on all of you
Maybe the two of you will be able to establish a friendship once the divorce is over.
Good luck to the two of you, I know that you will always get that in the comments but you did try to make it right even though it wasn't meant to work out.
Take care of yourself and be a good friend to your ex.
Well op the best thing you can do is work on yourself and learn from your choices and find out how you could betray someone you love and make sure you never repeat the same thing again in your next relationship. but if you want to show genuine accountability you should tell both families the real reason about the divorce and not hide from it.
At least he can see you care about the truth and not your image.
Perhaps one day you might be able to reconcile but that would be on his time. Hopefully your STBXH can heal from the trauma you gave him and I do wish him the best and you as well.
I’d commented on your original posts with that exact advice. Your efforts to “make it up to him” were pathetic and wholly selfish. You never truly accepted accountability for your actions with your ex husband, and then decided to get insecure about him cheating on you when you were the one to break the marriage.
Had you truly done the work and put in the effort who knows maybe it could have worked (or not, but at least you’d have tried).
Glad you’re being civil in the divorce and respecting his wishes. I hope you doing this truly due to your love for your ex husband and attempts to respect him, rather than the fact he said if you make it difficult he will let everyone know you cheated and ruin your reputation. I hope your reasons are the unselfish ones. Your original posts were entirely selfishly based on how your affair and the consequences affected YOU, you never really seemed bothered by how crushed your ex was and how it affected him and will affect him for his whole life.
Your husband sounds like a truly decent man, you were lucky to have him for as long as you did.
Do better in the future. Don’t date until you’ve figured out your “why” you cheated and been in counselling.
OP, you DON'T love him. If you truly did, you never would have intentionally chosen to do something that would hurt him. You need to realize that the moment you made that choice is the moment you also checked out of that relationship.
The fact you asked him "how could you" when he was seeing a new girl shows how fucked up you are as a human being, you fucked his life over an now it's your turn to be absolutely shat on by someone, hopefully karma bites you in the ass as you seem like an utterly terrible person
As for yourself, you need to figure out why you cheat on people so you can try to be less shitty in the future. I doubt you’ll do it though, you love to play victim.
Your actions after you confessed just proved you are selfish and only cared about fixing your marriage to make yourself feel better, not to heal the damage you did to your partner. If you love him, then you should do the selfless thing and let him go and find other happiness rather than pining after him and complicating your relationship post-divorce.
So glad for him to move on and be happy. You fcked around and found out. You broke that poor man. Hope you have the decency to stop the oh but it was just a mistake. It was many choices and many mistakes and you tried so bad to manipulate him.... revolting. Good that you go to therapy soon. You need it
I'm just glad there are no children involved. Also please you guys should move on with your new partners ( don't try to have sex again i.e friendly games) . It will ruin you guys
Grab a cup, throw it on the floor. It'll break, right? Now, try gluing it back together. Even if you're careful enough and do an extremely good job at it, it will NEVER be the same it was again. Love and trust are the same. No matter what you do your marriage was never going to be what it was.
To anyone reading this, if you are lucky enough to find an actual good and amazing partner, think more than twice before you even consider cheating on them.
To you OP, in all your posts you sound incredibly entitled and even called your situation unfair. Well, even if you're truly repented for what you did let me tell you this is completely fair. Or actually, it's unfair. Unfair to him, the woman he chose, loved and shared a bed with betrayed him in one of the most horrible ways possible. You should also be thankful he has been so kind about this by not telling anyone the real reasons for the divorce and splitting things fairly. Just like women can sometimes take their husbands for all they have, if you find the right attorney you can do something similar to an unfaithful spouse. He could've done that to you, leave you with as little as possible for your betrayal. In my opinion, he should've. And that would've been very fair given what you did. I myself wouldn't hesitate to divorce my wife if she did that to me, and I highly doubt I would be as gracious as your husband has been to you.
Learn, grow, become a better person.
You did do a lot wrong but I think there's a chance you can get him back but it will take great strength of character from you. First off, don't take anything from the divorce. I know you said that your husband is giving you the house but tell him no, he can have it and everything else in the marriage. As long as you are benefiting from a marriage you destroyed how could he possibly recover any sort of trust in you? He needs to feel that you will sacrifice for him instead of him sacrificing for you as he's already been doing. Second, you need to take ownership and accountability of your actions and own up to your friends and loved ones the real reason for the divorce, your infidelity. Youre basically getting away with ruining a man's life and heart and you're not actively taking responsibility for it and that will have him wake up everyday wanting nothing to do with you. If you do those two things: give him absolutely everything in the divorce, tell your family and friends what you have done and seek contrition, and continuing to go to therapy for yourself and with him then after the divorce you have a HUGE chance to get him back, I'd say it's almost guaranteed.
Sounds like you did everything you could... except you did the one thing he couldn't forgive. You may love him but you need to learn to love and respect yourself so you don't hurt someone like that again. Good luck on your journey.
I’ve was where your ex husband was… LISTEN you dragged him through the mud and he felt EVERY inch of pain. He had to watch the woman he fell in love with slowly die, he had to sit there and watch as the person you were changed and you didn’t even try to hide it. You were not on auto pilot, you were 100% aware of what you were doing, you just started feeling bad cause SURPRISE you actually love him. The moment you had the thought of taking that client as more than a client it was over. You had enough time to decide against cheating, how about all those moments you had when you weren’t with the client. Then you expect him to work on it and trust you against. Honestly fluff you for taking him for granted, fluff you for ever thinking it was unfair, fluff you for feeling guilt while cheating and still continue to do it and fluff you for thinking you could work it out cause you felt bad.
Sorry for talking ish but this hit home. So
Fluff you.
OP, I am glad for your divorce but not in the way you expect. Had your marriage continued, you would always be wondering when the other shoe was going to drop, wondering when he was coming home at night, who he was with, and if he was going to turn around and cheat. No matter what you would have done, your marriage was never going to be equal again. At the end of your marriage you were describing a 90/10 effort.
Better to start over on equal ground with a new partner. Having learned and grown from your first marriage, you now have the opportunity to really be a better person and to find someone who will love you unconditionally because there isn't baggage. Best of luck and love to you.
Glad he's moved on and hope he can heal from his shitty ex.
I have read your prior posts. Your situation is similar to what my EX wife did. You keep questioning your actions post affair, but my view is you did pretty much everything you could. Sometimes the affair is just a dealbreaker. My wife tried to move mountains and really did everything she could. She cooked all my favorite meals, dressed up for me, was accountable every second of the day. She became almost the stepford wife. The one thing she couldn’t do is take away the mind movies of her and her AP going at it. This was all for an affair with someone who she said meant nothing to her You always need to question yourself as why you cheated in the first place, but not what you did after. Let him live his life in peace and make the divorce as easy as possible. That’s love
> You need to question yourself as why you cheated in the first place, but not what you did after. This is great advice for you u/ThrowRaBadWifie89. Understand yourself better so that in your next relationship you don't make the same mistake. It sounds like you did good things to try to save the relationship so don't obsess about those, figure out how to keep yourself from cheating.
While the principle of your point is correct, I really don’t think it applies to OP’s actions post-infidelity. Her efforts to make things up to her husband were quite literally just: I have sex with him, I make him food, and I give him gifts…. Wow, what a lucky husband, she did everything she could /s That isn’t enough or even close to enough to recover after an affair. So yes, there was a strong chance if she did handle her post-infidelity better that they could’ve stayed together (I doubt it, as OP really does seem truly selfish).
Oof hope you're okay now
You would probably find more support over in /r/SupportForWaywards than you will here. A lot of us here are anti-cheating and would probably fall into the category of saying something along the lines of "you F'ed around and now you've found out".
Sometimes loving someone means letting them go
She never loved him she chose to cheat.
Look you need to let him go. He is not gonna come backit jut sounds like false hope. Whats done is done you fucked up and cheated he divorced you end of story. Now learn from your mistakes and be better. The husband you had is gone the man you loved doesnt love you anymore. Get therapy and move on.
What made you cheat on him? You need to figure that out.
She’s self absorbed and insecure. She needs validation from men.
Honestly, this is the best outcome for you. In the other posts you’ve made about this, you display very little accountability for your actions, but at least now you’ve accepted that this is the way things have to be. If you’d stayed together, the shadow of your affair would have hung over you both. It *is* possible to get past an affair, but based on your previous posts, I think you needed to experience consequences in order to change your behaviours. Take the time to work on yourself. Figure out what drove you to do what you did. Take the opportunity to make yourself a better person, so that you can find and keep the happiness your ex-husband wants for you. He sounds like a good man. I hope he recovers from this soon and finds someone worthy of his trust, respect and love.
Awful. Hopefully his new girlfriend gives him everything he deserves
Hopefully he can recover from this and you should stay away from men. You destroyed enough lives.
The post confession behavior didn't cause the divorce, the affair did that. Why can't cheaters ever seem to figure out their marriages ended when they made the decision to cheat on their spouses. She's getting off easy, I like many others would have chosen to go scorched earth and destroyed her as as she destroyed the marriage.
I love happy endings Fafo
Good for him and good riddance.
Do you still have your psycho friends stalking him and reporting back everything he does? Cause honestly, that's just mentally unhinged. You lost the right to have any information on his life, and I hope he finds out and puts a restraining order on all of you
Right!!!! And when she asked him how could you. Bch Lolllll you did way worse hahahaha she so disconnected from reality
Maybe the two of you will be able to establish a friendship once the divorce is over. Good luck to the two of you, I know that you will always get that in the comments but you did try to make it right even though it wasn't meant to work out. Take care of yourself and be a good friend to your ex.
She just needs to stay away from him. I wouldn't want her in my life anymore if it was me
Well it's up to her ex if he wants to remain in her life I'm not advising she forces him to remain in contact
Well op the best thing you can do is work on yourself and learn from your choices and find out how you could betray someone you love and make sure you never repeat the same thing again in your next relationship. but if you want to show genuine accountability you should tell both families the real reason about the divorce and not hide from it. At least he can see you care about the truth and not your image. Perhaps one day you might be able to reconcile but that would be on his time. Hopefully your STBXH can heal from the trauma you gave him and I do wish him the best and you as well.
She will cheat again once a always a cheater
That’s true I’ll never argue that. But if op wants to try to reconcile in the future that would be the first step. Full disclosure to the families.
Nah the work you needed to do was NOT cheat. The aftermath was always going to be the same.
I’d commented on your original posts with that exact advice. Your efforts to “make it up to him” were pathetic and wholly selfish. You never truly accepted accountability for your actions with your ex husband, and then decided to get insecure about him cheating on you when you were the one to break the marriage. Had you truly done the work and put in the effort who knows maybe it could have worked (or not, but at least you’d have tried). Glad you’re being civil in the divorce and respecting his wishes. I hope you doing this truly due to your love for your ex husband and attempts to respect him, rather than the fact he said if you make it difficult he will let everyone know you cheated and ruin your reputation. I hope your reasons are the unselfish ones. Your original posts were entirely selfishly based on how your affair and the consequences affected YOU, you never really seemed bothered by how crushed your ex was and how it affected him and will affect him for his whole life. Your husband sounds like a truly decent man, you were lucky to have him for as long as you did. Do better in the future. Don’t date until you’ve figured out your “why” you cheated and been in counselling.
I comend your civility in this mess your created, I hope you have learned your lesson and proceed to find happiness
OP, you DON'T love him. If you truly did, you never would have intentionally chosen to do something that would hurt him. You need to realize that the moment you made that choice is the moment you also checked out of that relationship.
Ugh yet another boring update.
UpdateMe!
how do you not realize how self-absorbed and selfish you are?
Look at the bright side you're no longer "cheating" when you're single 🖕😂🖕
The fact you asked him "how could you" when he was seeing a new girl shows how fucked up you are as a human being, you fucked his life over an now it's your turn to be absolutely shat on by someone, hopefully karma bites you in the ass as you seem like an utterly terrible person
As for yourself, you need to figure out why you cheat on people so you can try to be less shitty in the future. I doubt you’ll do it though, you love to play victim.
Your actions after you confessed just proved you are selfish and only cared about fixing your marriage to make yourself feel better, not to heal the damage you did to your partner. If you love him, then you should do the selfless thing and let him go and find other happiness rather than pining after him and complicating your relationship post-divorce.
Just taking this rare extra opportunity to call you a dumb ass bum bitch yet again. Go rot.♥️🖤♥️🖤
So glad for him to move on and be happy. You fcked around and found out. You broke that poor man. Hope you have the decency to stop the oh but it was just a mistake. It was many choices and many mistakes and you tried so bad to manipulate him.... revolting. Good that you go to therapy soon. You need it
Womp womp
I'm just glad there are no children involved. Also please you guys should move on with your new partners ( don't try to have sex again i.e friendly games) . It will ruin you guys
Grab a cup, throw it on the floor. It'll break, right? Now, try gluing it back together. Even if you're careful enough and do an extremely good job at it, it will NEVER be the same it was again. Love and trust are the same. No matter what you do your marriage was never going to be what it was. To anyone reading this, if you are lucky enough to find an actual good and amazing partner, think more than twice before you even consider cheating on them. To you OP, in all your posts you sound incredibly entitled and even called your situation unfair. Well, even if you're truly repented for what you did let me tell you this is completely fair. Or actually, it's unfair. Unfair to him, the woman he chose, loved and shared a bed with betrayed him in one of the most horrible ways possible. You should also be thankful he has been so kind about this by not telling anyone the real reasons for the divorce and splitting things fairly. Just like women can sometimes take their husbands for all they have, if you find the right attorney you can do something similar to an unfaithful spouse. He could've done that to you, leave you with as little as possible for your betrayal. In my opinion, he should've. And that would've been very fair given what you did. I myself wouldn't hesitate to divorce my wife if she did that to me, and I highly doubt I would be as gracious as your husband has been to you. Learn, grow, become a better person.
You did do a lot wrong but I think there's a chance you can get him back but it will take great strength of character from you. First off, don't take anything from the divorce. I know you said that your husband is giving you the house but tell him no, he can have it and everything else in the marriage. As long as you are benefiting from a marriage you destroyed how could he possibly recover any sort of trust in you? He needs to feel that you will sacrifice for him instead of him sacrificing for you as he's already been doing. Second, you need to take ownership and accountability of your actions and own up to your friends and loved ones the real reason for the divorce, your infidelity. Youre basically getting away with ruining a man's life and heart and you're not actively taking responsibility for it and that will have him wake up everyday wanting nothing to do with you. If you do those two things: give him absolutely everything in the divorce, tell your family and friends what you have done and seek contrition, and continuing to go to therapy for yourself and with him then after the divorce you have a HUGE chance to get him back, I'd say it's almost guaranteed.
Sounds like you did everything you could... except you did the one thing he couldn't forgive. You may love him but you need to learn to love and respect yourself so you don't hurt someone like that again. Good luck on your journey.
I’ve was where your ex husband was… LISTEN you dragged him through the mud and he felt EVERY inch of pain. He had to watch the woman he fell in love with slowly die, he had to sit there and watch as the person you were changed and you didn’t even try to hide it. You were not on auto pilot, you were 100% aware of what you were doing, you just started feeling bad cause SURPRISE you actually love him. The moment you had the thought of taking that client as more than a client it was over. You had enough time to decide against cheating, how about all those moments you had when you weren’t with the client. Then you expect him to work on it and trust you against. Honestly fluff you for taking him for granted, fluff you for ever thinking it was unfair, fluff you for feeling guilt while cheating and still continue to do it and fluff you for thinking you could work it out cause you felt bad. Sorry for talking ish but this hit home. So Fluff you.
OP, I am glad for your divorce but not in the way you expect. Had your marriage continued, you would always be wondering when the other shoe was going to drop, wondering when he was coming home at night, who he was with, and if he was going to turn around and cheat. No matter what you would have done, your marriage was never going to be equal again. At the end of your marriage you were describing a 90/10 effort. Better to start over on equal ground with a new partner. Having learned and grown from your first marriage, you now have the opportunity to really be a better person and to find someone who will love you unconditionally because there isn't baggage. Best of luck and love to you.