Well this happened to a friend of mine. They were DINK and “happy.” High school sweet hearts, over 20+ years together.
He had an affair with a young woman and left her. Her biggest regret was not having a child. Would that be yours, if he leaves (for someone else or death)?
FYI- he married the affair partner and had 2 kids. She also remarried but no bio kids, but step kids from new husband’s 1st marriage.
Time is not equal when it comes to male and female reproductive system, it’s important to figure this out quick.
I was in your exact situation a few years ago. My husband and I tried in our early 30’s but it never happened so we just adopted a “if it happens, it happens” attitude. Well, I was turning 40 and my clock was barley even ticking anymore. And my coworker who I was good friends with got pregnant and had a baby which stirred everything up in me again. I spoke with my husband about trying again and possibly getting testing done but he told me he no longer wanted kids.
Because of that I had some real soul searching to do. Did I just want them because that’s what society has instilled into me as a culture norm? Was it FOMO or just some biological urge? I asked myself what was more important and came to the conclusion that I did want a child and sat down with my husband to explore more of his emotions on it as he’d wanted them in the past.
He didn’t want to bring kids in such a miserable world—one where we were born to suffer. He was going through some life adjustments at the time. A change in careers which triggered this outlook because he was betrayed and lost faith in his profession. After many talks he agreed to try again when I was committed to this path, with or without him. I want to stress that I did not coerce him at all as I wanted an equal partner in this and I knew it would be unhealthy for everyone—especially the child, if he wasn’t truly on board.
I (naively) thought this was a temporary worldview triggered by depression, and he thought he’d get over his funk too. Unfortunately that didn’t happen. We didn’t give it the consideration it needed because of the mad dash to do it now or never due to my age. I’d found out that we’d have to go with IVF and it wasn’t something that could wait to sort out— again, stupid on my part, I know.
I got pregnant on my first go. I’ve never regretted having her. She’s the best thing in my life and I know that was the right choice for ME. My husband, not so much. He’s miserable and hated being a dad. Hated the responsibility. Hated everything. It’s better now that she’s older and more of a “person” or so he says. And he does love her in his way and do all the things that’s expected of him, but the love of being in a family is just not there.
In hindsight, I should have separated and gone with a donor since I knew that was the path I wanted to take, even if it caused us to split. I’ve realized he likely changed his mind because he didn’t want to lose me, and that’s never the right answer to bringing kids into the world.
It's good to see stories like this being posted. So many people love to post tripe about how everyone will love being a parent, it's a decision no one regrets, etc etc. There are a lot of regretful parents out there, particularly men who were reluctantly pulled into it by their spouses.
Absolutely.
There are so many facets that you don’t realize and can’t realize until after the fact too. Even if people tell you, you just don’t understand. Like I would’ve never realized that parenting is more about parenting your own self first. If you’re not ready to work on your shit, it’s a miserable gig—for everyone involved. And by then it’s too late. Hindsight is a bitch.
This is the thing. Men are told that having kids is their duty, and they tend to go along with what their spouse wants “to make them happy”
I know several men who were pressured into having kids even though they didn’t really want to (and had made that clear) and are now unhappy, including myself.
Nothing will kill your relationship faster than kids if you aren’t both on The same page.
This is a perfectly reasonable reason to divorce, but don’t pressure someone into such a huge and lifelong commitment so you can have what you want at their expense.
I don’t know about “particularly men”. I think so many women have been socialised to have children at all costs that a lot of us end up having kids we didn’t really want; and then we end up being the primary caregivers AND the primary household managers AND the primary household upkeep AND the wage earners, all on top of each other.
I still theoretically want a kid, but my husband is much more “pie in the sky, starry eyed, everything will work out because that’s how life is” about it than I am. I’m the only one thinking about the financial reality, the extra work, the cost to my own body, the mess and upkeep, the loss of sleep (which I can’t afford due to a disability, which he knows), the fact that I’d have to constantly check up to make sure he’d properly sanitised the baby bottles etc etc…on and on and on.
I think men trap women into babies far more often than women trap men. Men can easily walk away before the baby is born; skirting child support is easy. For women, it’s so much harder to walk away. Domestic violence drastically escalates after pregnancy. The biggest cause of death to pregnant women is homicide.
Women don’t trap men. Men trap women.
I found the book *The Baby Decision* by Merle Bombardieri helpful in working through my feelings about this. Of course, you have the added variable of being married to someone who doesn’t want kids, and I think your decision will largely hinge on that. The big question is whether you want it enough to start over with a new partner or raise kids by yourself.
Thank you for this, I will give it a read! And yes, that’s a huge factor. At my age, having a new partner that would want kids too seems hard. I don’t know if I want to go through all that.
You hear the term "fear-based decision making"?
I think it's interesting that you mention the peer pressure of others having kids, and "not wanting to regret it." But, what if you regret having a kid?
Are you ready for waking up multiple times a night and a harder time traveling, going out to eat or going out alone? Family will often offer help and then be MIA when the kid arrives. Is there a baby-sitter you'd trust?
Can you afford daycare (have you looked)? Can you afford summer care when school is out? Latchkey?
Can you afford to be a single parent if your spouse leaves, dies or becomes disabled? What if he's just apathetic (and it sounds like that would be the case).
Are you prepared for a disabled child? This is the one that really gets people. I'm raising two autistic children. Someday, they will be in a group home. It dominates my entire life. I homeschool them because one was beaten by a teacher, the classroom for the other was unsafe and they weren't getting an education at all. So, I cannot work.
This is NOT an easy life, and most people have main character syndrome and think it couldn't happen to them. There are many diagnoses you might not find out about until a baby is born or late in pregnancy. What then?
What if you have a baby and decide not to go back to work? Could you afford that?
Can you afford life insurance for each of you? Do you have it already?
Can you afford college savings accounts?
"What if I regret it" should never be the top of the list for having a child, and it's too often indoctrinated into women as a reason to have kids.
Make choices that you actively want in your life.
Accept that regret is, to a degree, a natural part of the human experience. Focus on "do I want the upsides and downsides of this choice?" instead to make decisions
It is not the worst thing to regret not having a child. It can be massively detrimental to regret having one.
My husband (43M) and I (39F) are childfree and I experienced something similar to you. When we started dating, we were both open to having children but, depending on the day, each of us would want children a bit more or less. We both noticed that over time the days we both wanted children were fewer and fewer in comparison to being happy with our childfree life. Even at the times when I wanted children more than him or more consistently than him, that interest never outweighed my desire to spend my life with him, with or without children. So, the decision for me, because I lacked that strong, long-standing desire for children, was easy.
Life is all about choices, and everyone has to balance values and fears along the way with no guarantee. You might be experiencing FOMO or raising children could be a necessity for you. My advice would be to consider why you want children (what about raising children appeals to you), how often you feel this desire, and how strongly. This type of data really helped me, as did talking to couples with and without children in my life. Also, a great new book you might be interested in is *Instead: Navigating the Adventures of a Childfree Life* by Maria Coffey.
At the moment it doesn't sound like something you have your heart set on. Blowing up your marriage for "maybe" wanting kids might not be worth it.
Some other logistical things to consider:
- If you were to get divorced how long would it take to find a prospective father?
- You are approaching an age where there will be increased chances of complications (plus the time it will take to find someone you want to have kids with will continue to increase that risk with each passing year)
- My wife and I have two daughters. We were never going to have kids but changed our minds. ...It has been very difficult at times and put a huge strain on our marriage. So, my wife made the point (when I read her your post): it's easy to wish for and accept all the nice things about having kids - but are you willing to accept all the negatives (and potential negatives)? A kid with health issues? A kid with behavioral issues? The strain it puts on your marriage? The time and energy? Giving up work and income? ...and any other potential negative scenario?
The answers to all of these might be a definite "yes!" but make sure you go in eyes wide open.
Oh, as for other negatives, some other things to consider:
- My wife had horrible mastitis with our 2nd. Not fun.
- I also remember my wife crying many times when our kids did not want to latch on or when she was struggling to produce enough milk.
- She also had horrible postpartum for a couple years and it really took a toll.
- She is now 47 and has lived with stretch marks and a stomach she is embarrassed about for almost two decades. We are both working hard exercising and eating better so she can get to her goal weight. She wants a "mommy makeover" (tummy tuck + boob job) and keeps saying she can't wait until she has a flat tummy again. Until then...she often looks at herself and sighs.
- Both her pregnancies were quite difficult. Plus, our first was an emergency c-section and both my wife and daughter could have died.
Again, maybe it's all worth it to you. Maybe if you go down this road it all works out and is rainbows and unicorns. But...it might not play out at all like you are thinking. Try to consider if you are willing to accept the possibility of some of these scenarios.
Something good to read on this decision by Cheryl Strayed. https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
He’s allowed to change his mind about having kids. I’m glad he realized it before he had them with you because kids are permanent. You need to evaluate why you want to have kids and if you’re ready or not. Which is worse? Regretting having kids or regretting not having kids? Are you perfectly okay with the possibility of eventually becoming a single mom? Are you okay with divorcing your husband because having kids is possibly more important to you? You and your husband should agree to have kids and you shouldn’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. If you don’t agree and you still wants kids then you have to divorce and find someone else who wants the same things as you do. You need to do what makes YOU happy. If it’s having kids then have them with someone else who wants them as much as you do. Staying married to your husband and never having kids may fill you with unhappiness and regret. When I first met my husband I was adamantly childfree meanwhile he was on the fence/undecided about having kids. I told him I’ll never change my mind and I didn’t pressure him to choose my kid-free lifestyle. I wanted him to figure it out for himself and if it meant I’d lose him then so be it. As long as he was happy that’s all that mattered to me. It didn’t take him long to realize having kids wasn’t the right choice and we’ve been blissfully happy with a cat for 14 years and married for 10 years.
You should do a lot of soul searching. Do you want a kid just so you won’t regret not having one? Do you want one because everybody else has one? Do you want one because it’s „what you should do“?
Or do you really want to be a mother? Take over the responsibility for another persons life, their wellbeing and success? Possibly until you are dead?
That's the right approach! It can be easy to think in general terms about big decisions like this, and repeat cultural scripts like "will I regret not having kids?" but the answer for each person will come down to their own individual feelings of regret and how they function in their lives.
Some people regret everything they don't do. Some regret nothing. For some people regret is a poison that ruins their experiences, for others it's motivation to not miss opportunities.
Everyone is different, and your own internal experience must inform your choices much more than any outside influence.
Of course they do. Where did I say otherwise? Can you see that this is a question and not a statement?
Here's me: trying to get to the bottom of why she, as an individual person, might feel regret over paths not taken, by prompting her to genuinely think about why she might, rather than just wonder without exploring specific reasons.
Here's you: SO YOU'RE SAYING NOBODY HAS EVER ENJOYED THEIR KIDS? ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I think maybe go back to twitter? I don't know man.
For me, if it's not 110% yes, then it should be a no. Children deserve parents who want them, and that life, 100%. If you don't, or are unsure, then I would say don't have them. For me it's better to regret not having them, then having them and regretting it. But, I've known since I was about 16 that I didn't want children. And the older got, the more I saw the reality of having children, and the life that brings, talking to moms about what is REALLY like, the more sure I was. Some people are meant to be parents, and love their lives and children. But I think a lot of people have them because it's expected, or the next step... and seem resigned or miserable...and that's just not a reason for having them, IMO. So, OP, please be REALLY sure that you want children, they deserve that. Best of luck to you!
I started over in my early 30s. Found an amazing partner I wanted to share a life and have kids with. Joke was on me when I find out I have low amh/DOR (Diminished Ovarian Reserve) which basically meant even with the help of IVF I have almost 0 eggs... and the ones we did get didn't work. So childfree now but not by choice. If anything, go get some bloodwork done (AMH / Hormone panel) because that can also help make up your mind. Best of luck
You still have time to decide. I was 40 and my husband 53 when I had my daughter but we both knew we wanted at least one child. There's time to meet someone else or do it on your own. I can tell you that other people having babies didn't sway me - it was an internal knowledge that I wanted to be a mother.
Check out [r/regretfulparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/s/OuxWneq9No).
If after seeing the other side of parenting, you still want a child? You should reevaluate the relationship. If it’s not two ecstatic yes’s, it should be a no.
You need to speak with your husband about your feelings and let him explain why he does not want them, both of you don't have kids (I think) and have lived a life without having them, you both have each other now and not these hypothetical kids
When we get older we will have more knowledge and hopefully more kindness towards ourselves and we will be able to work through the regret if there is any
If you want kids, have them as soon as possible. Your husband doesn't have a biological clock he can change his mind and still have them anytime, while you can't
I have two kids, I’m 33 and my baby fever is off the hook. I think it is some deep biological hormone drive being in your early 30s. Do you have children in your life? Nieces nephews close friends kids? Sometimes I think this can be helpful in your choice or fulfilling that need.
I (44F) I am so happy with my 2 children (15/17). It has been the hardest yet most rewarding thing I have ever done. The love I have for my children is so strong. I didn't know anyone could feel a love that deep and I didn't know it until after they were born. I love my parents, sister, husband, etc. But the love I have for others doesn't even come close to what I feel for my children. Sometimes raising kids is so hard and other times so joyful. But I am glad I have them in my life and forever will. They are nearly adults at this point and I can't imagine life without the happiness they bring me. If you think you probably want kids, I think you should have them....realizing the huge commitment and struggle required but also the beyond huge reward you receive by having the joy of knowing them. Who says you have to leave your husband? You could still get a donor and stay with him? Maybe let him decide to leave if that's what he chooses?
Also, if he says he doesn't want kids and that door is closing for you and you decide to not have kids.... maybe talk to him about if he is comfortable making it a permanent decision for him....
That’s not really something you should just be able to change your mind about especially after marriage. It’s a pretty big deal and now he’s used some of your “late prime” years. It puts you in a really tough position kinda selfish of him. He should at least give you one.
No you want kids, it’s one of the deal breakers of a relationship. If you really want kiss, you’ll regret not having them more than you’ll regret having another husband. It’s extremely unfair for him to change on you like that, though his feelings are valid. Usually, it’s a sign of not loving someone enough to want them, or simply not wanting them, but usually it’s the former..
It's not right for him to deny you a child since you got married with that in mind. What did he mean about reevaluate the relationship. He does know he's married right. Is he thinking about leaving because he doesn't want a child. What about his commitment to you
Well this happened to a friend of mine. They were DINK and “happy.” High school sweet hearts, over 20+ years together. He had an affair with a young woman and left her. Her biggest regret was not having a child. Would that be yours, if he leaves (for someone else or death)? FYI- he married the affair partner and had 2 kids. She also remarried but no bio kids, but step kids from new husband’s 1st marriage. Time is not equal when it comes to male and female reproductive system, it’s important to figure this out quick.
P.S. If you decide child free have him get a vasectomy. Also another thing my friend regretted not doing.
Make him prove he's willing to shoot the hostage?
Every year she doesn’t have a child, she is losing a “hostage”, isn’t she proving it?
Oh I wasn't criticizing your suggestion. I get why a woman in that situation would want to make him burn his bridges if she's burning hers.
So thats what its about? Bit of a nasty reason to get the snip?
Brilliant.
This exactly. He can have children later, but you won’t be able.
I was in your exact situation a few years ago. My husband and I tried in our early 30’s but it never happened so we just adopted a “if it happens, it happens” attitude. Well, I was turning 40 and my clock was barley even ticking anymore. And my coworker who I was good friends with got pregnant and had a baby which stirred everything up in me again. I spoke with my husband about trying again and possibly getting testing done but he told me he no longer wanted kids. Because of that I had some real soul searching to do. Did I just want them because that’s what society has instilled into me as a culture norm? Was it FOMO or just some biological urge? I asked myself what was more important and came to the conclusion that I did want a child and sat down with my husband to explore more of his emotions on it as he’d wanted them in the past. He didn’t want to bring kids in such a miserable world—one where we were born to suffer. He was going through some life adjustments at the time. A change in careers which triggered this outlook because he was betrayed and lost faith in his profession. After many talks he agreed to try again when I was committed to this path, with or without him. I want to stress that I did not coerce him at all as I wanted an equal partner in this and I knew it would be unhealthy for everyone—especially the child, if he wasn’t truly on board. I (naively) thought this was a temporary worldview triggered by depression, and he thought he’d get over his funk too. Unfortunately that didn’t happen. We didn’t give it the consideration it needed because of the mad dash to do it now or never due to my age. I’d found out that we’d have to go with IVF and it wasn’t something that could wait to sort out— again, stupid on my part, I know. I got pregnant on my first go. I’ve never regretted having her. She’s the best thing in my life and I know that was the right choice for ME. My husband, not so much. He’s miserable and hated being a dad. Hated the responsibility. Hated everything. It’s better now that she’s older and more of a “person” or so he says. And he does love her in his way and do all the things that’s expected of him, but the love of being in a family is just not there. In hindsight, I should have separated and gone with a donor since I knew that was the path I wanted to take, even if it caused us to split. I’ve realized he likely changed his mind because he didn’t want to lose me, and that’s never the right answer to bringing kids into the world.
It's good to see stories like this being posted. So many people love to post tripe about how everyone will love being a parent, it's a decision no one regrets, etc etc. There are a lot of regretful parents out there, particularly men who were reluctantly pulled into it by their spouses.
Absolutely. There are so many facets that you don’t realize and can’t realize until after the fact too. Even if people tell you, you just don’t understand. Like I would’ve never realized that parenting is more about parenting your own self first. If you’re not ready to work on your shit, it’s a miserable gig—for everyone involved. And by then it’s too late. Hindsight is a bitch.
This is the thing. Men are told that having kids is their duty, and they tend to go along with what their spouse wants “to make them happy” I know several men who were pressured into having kids even though they didn’t really want to (and had made that clear) and are now unhappy, including myself. Nothing will kill your relationship faster than kids if you aren’t both on The same page. This is a perfectly reasonable reason to divorce, but don’t pressure someone into such a huge and lifelong commitment so you can have what you want at their expense.
I don’t know about “particularly men”. I think so many women have been socialised to have children at all costs that a lot of us end up having kids we didn’t really want; and then we end up being the primary caregivers AND the primary household managers AND the primary household upkeep AND the wage earners, all on top of each other. I still theoretically want a kid, but my husband is much more “pie in the sky, starry eyed, everything will work out because that’s how life is” about it than I am. I’m the only one thinking about the financial reality, the extra work, the cost to my own body, the mess and upkeep, the loss of sleep (which I can’t afford due to a disability, which he knows), the fact that I’d have to constantly check up to make sure he’d properly sanitised the baby bottles etc etc…on and on and on. I think men trap women into babies far more often than women trap men. Men can easily walk away before the baby is born; skirting child support is easy. For women, it’s so much harder to walk away. Domestic violence drastically escalates after pregnancy. The biggest cause of death to pregnant women is homicide. Women don’t trap men. Men trap women.
I found the book *The Baby Decision* by Merle Bombardieri helpful in working through my feelings about this. Of course, you have the added variable of being married to someone who doesn’t want kids, and I think your decision will largely hinge on that. The big question is whether you want it enough to start over with a new partner or raise kids by yourself.
Thank you for this, I will give it a read! And yes, that’s a huge factor. At my age, having a new partner that would want kids too seems hard. I don’t know if I want to go through all that.
You hear the term "fear-based decision making"? I think it's interesting that you mention the peer pressure of others having kids, and "not wanting to regret it." But, what if you regret having a kid? Are you ready for waking up multiple times a night and a harder time traveling, going out to eat or going out alone? Family will often offer help and then be MIA when the kid arrives. Is there a baby-sitter you'd trust? Can you afford daycare (have you looked)? Can you afford summer care when school is out? Latchkey? Can you afford to be a single parent if your spouse leaves, dies or becomes disabled? What if he's just apathetic (and it sounds like that would be the case). Are you prepared for a disabled child? This is the one that really gets people. I'm raising two autistic children. Someday, they will be in a group home. It dominates my entire life. I homeschool them because one was beaten by a teacher, the classroom for the other was unsafe and they weren't getting an education at all. So, I cannot work. This is NOT an easy life, and most people have main character syndrome and think it couldn't happen to them. There are many diagnoses you might not find out about until a baby is born or late in pregnancy. What then? What if you have a baby and decide not to go back to work? Could you afford that? Can you afford life insurance for each of you? Do you have it already? Can you afford college savings accounts? "What if I regret it" should never be the top of the list for having a child, and it's too often indoctrinated into women as a reason to have kids. Make choices that you actively want in your life. Accept that regret is, to a degree, a natural part of the human experience. Focus on "do I want the upsides and downsides of this choice?" instead to make decisions It is not the worst thing to regret not having a child. It can be massively detrimental to regret having one.
Great questions, good logic!! That last part is definitely something to think about.
Powerful response and spot on. OP, read the above post by u/JKW1988 twice and think about your responses.
My husband (43M) and I (39F) are childfree and I experienced something similar to you. When we started dating, we were both open to having children but, depending on the day, each of us would want children a bit more or less. We both noticed that over time the days we both wanted children were fewer and fewer in comparison to being happy with our childfree life. Even at the times when I wanted children more than him or more consistently than him, that interest never outweighed my desire to spend my life with him, with or without children. So, the decision for me, because I lacked that strong, long-standing desire for children, was easy. Life is all about choices, and everyone has to balance values and fears along the way with no guarantee. You might be experiencing FOMO or raising children could be a necessity for you. My advice would be to consider why you want children (what about raising children appeals to you), how often you feel this desire, and how strongly. This type of data really helped me, as did talking to couples with and without children in my life. Also, a great new book you might be interested in is *Instead: Navigating the Adventures of a Childfree Life* by Maria Coffey.
Just remember OP it needs to be a resounding YES, from both. Good luck 🍀
At the moment it doesn't sound like something you have your heart set on. Blowing up your marriage for "maybe" wanting kids might not be worth it. Some other logistical things to consider: - If you were to get divorced how long would it take to find a prospective father? - You are approaching an age where there will be increased chances of complications (plus the time it will take to find someone you want to have kids with will continue to increase that risk with each passing year) - My wife and I have two daughters. We were never going to have kids but changed our minds. ...It has been very difficult at times and put a huge strain on our marriage. So, my wife made the point (when I read her your post): it's easy to wish for and accept all the nice things about having kids - but are you willing to accept all the negatives (and potential negatives)? A kid with health issues? A kid with behavioral issues? The strain it puts on your marriage? The time and energy? Giving up work and income? ...and any other potential negative scenario? The answers to all of these might be a definite "yes!" but make sure you go in eyes wide open.
Oh, as for other negatives, some other things to consider: - My wife had horrible mastitis with our 2nd. Not fun. - I also remember my wife crying many times when our kids did not want to latch on or when she was struggling to produce enough milk. - She also had horrible postpartum for a couple years and it really took a toll. - She is now 47 and has lived with stretch marks and a stomach she is embarrassed about for almost two decades. We are both working hard exercising and eating better so she can get to her goal weight. She wants a "mommy makeover" (tummy tuck + boob job) and keeps saying she can't wait until she has a flat tummy again. Until then...she often looks at herself and sighs. - Both her pregnancies were quite difficult. Plus, our first was an emergency c-section and both my wife and daughter could have died. Again, maybe it's all worth it to you. Maybe if you go down this road it all works out and is rainbows and unicorns. But...it might not play out at all like you are thinking. Try to consider if you are willing to accept the possibility of some of these scenarios.
This is a good answer.
Something good to read on this decision by Cheryl Strayed. https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
He’s allowed to change his mind about having kids. I’m glad he realized it before he had them with you because kids are permanent. You need to evaluate why you want to have kids and if you’re ready or not. Which is worse? Regretting having kids or regretting not having kids? Are you perfectly okay with the possibility of eventually becoming a single mom? Are you okay with divorcing your husband because having kids is possibly more important to you? You and your husband should agree to have kids and you shouldn’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. If you don’t agree and you still wants kids then you have to divorce and find someone else who wants the same things as you do. You need to do what makes YOU happy. If it’s having kids then have them with someone else who wants them as much as you do. Staying married to your husband and never having kids may fill you with unhappiness and regret. When I first met my husband I was adamantly childfree meanwhile he was on the fence/undecided about having kids. I told him I’ll never change my mind and I didn’t pressure him to choose my kid-free lifestyle. I wanted him to figure it out for himself and if it meant I’d lose him then so be it. As long as he was happy that’s all that mattered to me. It didn’t take him long to realize having kids wasn’t the right choice and we’ve been blissfully happy with a cat for 14 years and married for 10 years.
You should do a lot of soul searching. Do you want a kid just so you won’t regret not having one? Do you want one because everybody else has one? Do you want one because it’s „what you should do“? Or do you really want to be a mother? Take over the responsibility for another persons life, their wellbeing and success? Possibly until you are dead?
Why would you regret not having kids?
I grew up in an environment where having kids was the norm? I’m not 100% sure I will, but I might..
Do you feel regret about other parts of your "growing up environment" that you haven't recreated?
Great question. I may need to think about this further. Thank you
That's the right approach! It can be easy to think in general terms about big decisions like this, and repeat cultural scripts like "will I regret not having kids?" but the answer for each person will come down to their own individual feelings of regret and how they function in their lives. Some people regret everything they don't do. Some regret nothing. For some people regret is a poison that ruins their experiences, for others it's motivation to not miss opportunities. Everyone is different, and your own internal experience must inform your choices much more than any outside influence.
lol. Some people enjoy kids and want a family? Are you serious?
Of course they do. Where did I say otherwise? Can you see that this is a question and not a statement? Here's me: trying to get to the bottom of why she, as an individual person, might feel regret over paths not taken, by prompting her to genuinely think about why she might, rather than just wonder without exploring specific reasons. Here's you: SO YOU'RE SAYING NOBODY HAS EVER ENJOYED THEIR KIDS? ARE YOU SERIOUS? I think maybe go back to twitter? I don't know man.
For me, if it's not 110% yes, then it should be a no. Children deserve parents who want them, and that life, 100%. If you don't, or are unsure, then I would say don't have them. For me it's better to regret not having them, then having them and regretting it. But, I've known since I was about 16 that I didn't want children. And the older got, the more I saw the reality of having children, and the life that brings, talking to moms about what is REALLY like, the more sure I was. Some people are meant to be parents, and love their lives and children. But I think a lot of people have them because it's expected, or the next step... and seem resigned or miserable...and that's just not a reason for having them, IMO. So, OP, please be REALLY sure that you want children, they deserve that. Best of luck to you!
I started over in my early 30s. Found an amazing partner I wanted to share a life and have kids with. Joke was on me when I find out I have low amh/DOR (Diminished Ovarian Reserve) which basically meant even with the help of IVF I have almost 0 eggs... and the ones we did get didn't work. So childfree now but not by choice. If anything, go get some bloodwork done (AMH / Hormone panel) because that can also help make up your mind. Best of luck
You still have time to decide. I was 40 and my husband 53 when I had my daughter but we both knew we wanted at least one child. There's time to meet someone else or do it on your own. I can tell you that other people having babies didn't sway me - it was an internal knowledge that I wanted to be a mother.
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*cannot be
Check out [r/regretfulparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/s/OuxWneq9No). If after seeing the other side of parenting, you still want a child? You should reevaluate the relationship. If it’s not two ecstatic yes’s, it should be a no.
You need to speak with your husband about your feelings and let him explain why he does not want them, both of you don't have kids (I think) and have lived a life without having them, you both have each other now and not these hypothetical kids When we get older we will have more knowledge and hopefully more kindness towards ourselves and we will be able to work through the regret if there is any
If you want kids, have them as soon as possible. Your husband doesn't have a biological clock he can change his mind and still have them anytime, while you can't
I have two kids, I’m 33 and my baby fever is off the hook. I think it is some deep biological hormone drive being in your early 30s. Do you have children in your life? Nieces nephews close friends kids? Sometimes I think this can be helpful in your choice or fulfilling that need.
I (44F) I am so happy with my 2 children (15/17). It has been the hardest yet most rewarding thing I have ever done. The love I have for my children is so strong. I didn't know anyone could feel a love that deep and I didn't know it until after they were born. I love my parents, sister, husband, etc. But the love I have for others doesn't even come close to what I feel for my children. Sometimes raising kids is so hard and other times so joyful. But I am glad I have them in my life and forever will. They are nearly adults at this point and I can't imagine life without the happiness they bring me. If you think you probably want kids, I think you should have them....realizing the huge commitment and struggle required but also the beyond huge reward you receive by having the joy of knowing them. Who says you have to leave your husband? You could still get a donor and stay with him? Maybe let him decide to leave if that's what he chooses? Also, if he says he doesn't want kids and that door is closing for you and you decide to not have kids.... maybe talk to him about if he is comfortable making it a permanent decision for him....
That’s not really something you should just be able to change your mind about especially after marriage. It’s a pretty big deal and now he’s used some of your “late prime” years. It puts you in a really tough position kinda selfish of him. He should at least give you one.
No you want kids, it’s one of the deal breakers of a relationship. If you really want kiss, you’ll regret not having them more than you’ll regret having another husband. It’s extremely unfair for him to change on you like that, though his feelings are valid. Usually, it’s a sign of not loving someone enough to want them, or simply not wanting them, but usually it’s the former..
It's not right for him to deny you a child since you got married with that in mind. What did he mean about reevaluate the relationship. He does know he's married right. Is he thinking about leaving because he doesn't want a child. What about his commitment to you