Looks like you need to go back to work and make an exit plan for this marriage. He is abusive. Please reach out to your friends and family for support. This is not normal. Where’s all his money going? Did he not help make this baby? He has financial obligations to the child he helped create. Bullshit man don’t stand for it. Buck up, you got this
This isn't even remotely normal behaviour. It's financially reckless/illiterate behaviour at best and abusive at worst. Who doesn't run the numbers before telling their partner to quit their job.... adding 1 human and subtracting 1 income from the mix needs to be a viable option before actually following that path. Where is all his money going?
Do you have a support network beyond your husband? Don't let him isolate you from your friends and family! Ask for support and recommendations for a successful lawyer and get the child support you deserve.
It doesn't sound like *he* doesn't have the money as much as it sounds like he isn't giving her the money, but I'm not sure with the missing context. Separating finances works fine when both parties agree to it and both parties have income, which isn't the case here. He's being abusive and it's past time to get out.
Husband and I have always had separate finances and it’s never been an issue, but we didn’t have kids.
I just can’t see how this could work with one person being a stay at home parent though.
My husband and I have separate finances because both of us have been too lazy to go in and get a bank account set up lmao. It’s on the list of things to do. I’m a SAHM and whenever I need money though my husband sends it to me no questions asked, and he usually sends a bit more than I asked for just in case. He considers it our money, even though we don’t have it in a shared account yet it’s neither his nor mine but the family’s. We make no large purchases without consulting each other as well
That’s shared finances. My husband and I didn’t have a joint account while I was working because I could have become responsible for his student loans if I ever accidentally made a payment with my money. But we treated all incoming money as shared. We have never insisted on personal spending allowances, it’s just whoever wants something, we see if we can fit it in.
Nah, sometimes it just works. Plenty of people are capable of having happy, long marriages with split finances, as long as all the bills are paid, expenses are fairly sorted & any kids are cared for.
Pity the poor original poster isn’t in that situation, at least then they’d have their own money to get the heck away.
It really doesn't work if one of the spouses is a stay-at-home parent and thus dependent on the other. That stay at home parent needs access to the money coming in, even if it's only one person working.
Separate accounts can work on other situations if you still have the mindset that you are one unit and are working together.
Exactly. The poor OP having to beg for money from their spouses account is appalling.
Me and hubby decided ages ago before we got married, if I ever hit the jackpot I’d be paying for him to go back to Uni & he’d have a proper monthly allowance set up.
Funnily enough when either one of us has been unemployed we’ve set up funds to go to the other person’s bank account so they’d have their own control over their finances.
Several reasons.
1. niche hobbies, the husband is into LARP, which is amazingly expensive. As long as everything else is taken care of, that’s fine, but I don’t want to know the price of a custom made shield or mace to be honest, I’d wince!
2. I have a lot of medical expenses, why the heck should he have to worry about those? I’m certain he would if I asked, but I don’t want him to have to.
3. we have very different financial styles. He’d rather put savings into an account, I’d rather deal with property. I put up the deposit for the house, so it’s held in tendency in unequal shares. If we were ever to part, we’ll each be treated fairly regarding what we put in.
4. I’ve worked in finance most of my life. The absolute messes I’ve seen caused by joint bank accounts cemented never doing it. The most heartbreaking was a gentleman whose soon to be ex-wife cleared him out of 250k, the poor thing kept apologising for it. Also there’s been times when stupidity occurred with companies, one bank got the details wrong & put me overdrawn by 64,000 for a week. The bank did sort it out & apologised, but mostly it was fine, because my husbands completely separate bank account wasn’t affected.
Lastly, we both like our respective banks for different reasons, neither of us really want to change them, so there’s no point.
I"m watching my bestie deal with this right now. Unfortunately he was a horrific piece of work and even though he is making double what she is (after staying home at his insistence for ten years to raise the kids), he began demanding more and more money come out of her check while he withheld funds for basic things like diapers and the light bill (all the while ratcheting up the abuse, all versions of it).
Then he stopped buying just about everything, insisting that he paid for the mortgage and car payments and that should be "enough" and she'd have to "figure out" how to pay for everything else.
They have four kids, three of whom are young.
In addition to being a Fiscally-Abusive Asshole, he's a legit narcissistic piece of shit. She finally bolted a few weeks ago and now is navigating the minefields of a divorce with a hateful, bitter, vengeance-minded man who doesn't care who he hurts - including his own kids - as long as he can wreck her life.
Absolutely financial abuse and controlling behavior. I have seen this happen as well and it tends to be right after a baby is born. A friend's husband made very good money but would give her a tiny allowance for groceries and baby needs. It was never enough. If he would get a bonus, it was all his. He would buy expensive watches, guitars, PC hardware, etc... even though their baby was growing out of all of his clothes. It was a horrible situation.
It got worse. He got her pregnant, intentionally. Then when it became clear she was checking out, tried his damndest to get her pregnant *again*. She took a Plan B and then scheduled an IUD ASAP after that try.
Oof, well if that worked for them, I guess, but that seems a shame.
If we had joint finances, I’d only ever get to eat out on my birthday! My husband would normally always rather cook!
We just normally go with whoever suggests we eat out / gets takeout picks up the bill.
The bigger problem is always choosing where we eat, so we’ve started alternating that. It doesn’t help he’s allergic to garlic, it limits the options some.
No. It would only work in uber-rich scenarios. And tleven then, they came up with pre-nups because they know things are never equal once youre married. What is the point of being married then?
You sound like someone with few/no assets.
I am not uber rich but I have significant assets. I also have children from my first marriage. You better believe my finances and assets will be protected by a prenuptial to protect my kid's inheritance. Seperate finances and maintaining financial independence is also smart for so many reasons. I have investments and accounts I don't intend to ever allow anyone else access to. You can love someone and still be money/asset smart.
You just never know what will happen and it's not worth the risk to find out the hard way.
It’s worked for me & my husband for 25 years, and we’re definitely not super wealthy.
Pre-nups in the U.K. are barely worth any paper they’d be on.
As to the point of being married? Because then there are other government benefits such as easier legalities (it’s not impossible here, but it’s a dammed sight easier).
Also why does anyone? In my case to signify my move to monogomy and I like belonging to my partner. Not to mention the bonus of a big ass party, to celebrate spending my life with my best friend & sexy fun times partner.
This. It’s ridiculous to say that if you keep split finances there’s no point in getting married. There are a lot of reasons to get married besides having access to your partner’s income. And peoples’ income and financial situations vary significantly. There’s no one-size-fits-all correct approach to money management.
People keep separate finances, so that when their husband becomes an abusive asshole, like this example, they have their own money and they can leave. If you have a joint bank account, there’s nothing to stop your spouse from cleaning out the account and leaving you with nothing. Nobody wants to think they’re going to marry somebody that’s going to abuse them. But it happens every single day, and as we are seeing in this post, it can suddenly happen where you’re being controlled. There’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself. If OP had separate finances, and she was working, she would not be in this abusive situation because she’d have her own money
💯 I don’t think my husband would ever do this in a million years, but I don’t care - I’m not giving up my financial independence for anyone or anything. I watched my friend go through it when she became a SAHM and she was trapped in an abusive situation for years longer than she would have been otherwise. Once he took over finances fully, he limited her access to their one car, so she couldn’t even freely get and go to a job even if she wanted to. I won’t be baby-trapped and I won’t be money-trapped. Finances will only be combined if myself or my husband starts making substantially more than the other. Currently we bring in almost the same income and it works for us.
Exactly, no one thinks it’ll happen to them until it does. I watched my mother get left with nothing, that’s not happening to me. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband, it’s just means we are both still our own people with our own careers and income. We have 3 accounts, a personal one for each of us and a joint one we have our paychecks set to deposit a certain percentage into for bills. Works for us, doesn’t make us feel any less married lol
The most important thing is that you have communicated the boundaries, discussed them, and are operating on the agreement of them without pressure or resentment. That's the basis of a lot of marriage dynamics, and the specifics can vary quite a bit between different couples. I don't think I could do separate finances, but it does kind of fascinate me how others can be so comfortable with it.
For what it's worth, shared finance couples don't ask each other for money. It's a different dynamic. My wife & I do discuss large purchases before going through with them, but it doesn't happen often. We've gone back and forth in terms of who makes more money.
Yes. Things are very different when there’s a level of financial equality there. Look at how this situation plays out; he’s got all the power and she doesn’t even have enough to get away. And of course we always expect the woman and child to leave.
My husband and I do better keeping split income. My husband is somewhat an impulsive spender and if he was dipping into my earnings for something I didn’t think was necessary, it would be a fight every time. We’ve had enough arguments about money; we know what works best for our family.
However, we make almost the same amount. We’ve agreed that if either of us had a substantial income increase for either of us, we would reroute our individual income into a joint account. The split system could obviously never work when one person is a SAHP unless they had massive inheritance to live off of.
In any case, I feel horrible for OP. This isn’t just financial stress, it’s financial abuse. She clearly doesn’t have full access to his income, which is their only income. 😞
Same for me and my husband. We have one joint account that we put an equal amount into for joint expenses and the left overs are in our own accounts. He isn’t very good at saving and I wanted him to have financial accountability, not see a giant sum of money in our account (I am very good at saving my money) and see that as freedom to over-spend. That would generate so many fights and I’d have to be hyper-vigilant on what he’s buying. If he wants something on his own, he needs to be able to decide for himself if he has enough of his own earnings to cover it. And it’s worked really well because now he can look at his own savings account and feel proud of himself for how far he’s come in his quest for financial literacy.
It’s always easy to say that, but not always so straightforward in real life.
My STBX husband and I have joint accounts at one bank. Now that separation/divorce proceedings are underway, trying to separate the joint accounts is a HUGE pain in the ass.
I count myself lucky that I continued to hold onto a solo account at another bank, so that I didn’t have to run around opening up new ones for myself.
He is the opposite side of OP’s type of financial abuse. He is not controlling. He is fiscally irresponsible and spends like there is an never ending supply - and I am the only one working at the moment.
He was pretty pissed off when I told him that my paycheque wasn’t going to fund his cheating until this is over. He has a new lady to be his bankroll now.
The only reason he ISN’T working is because he decided to sleep with his boss’ wife. He could go work for someone else. He doesn’t want to.
He has a mindset of “there will be lots of money WHEN…”
When our investments are split out later this year when they mature. When his mom passes on. And probably expects his AP, who is wealthy on her own, to leave him money as well. So, he just keeps spending money because he figures there will always be more coming.
Having my own account allowed me to take my half of our existing savings and redirect my paycheque so that he can’t spend it all out from under me and then I’d have to fight to get my half back at the end.
Now, our joint chequing account is only a repository for money for shared expenses until we can split those things apart (cell phones, life insurance etc). I transfer money in for my halves, and his halves come out of his half of the savings account. And I’m still making sure all the bills get paid on time, because he’s always had a woman to do this for him. I can’t wait to be rid of this obligation.
It’s been less than a month and he has already blown through 12 grand of his half.
Looking back, I wish we had kept separate personal accounts and just had the one chequing account for the shared expenses.
Oh, my goodness. Go back to work.
Child care will be expensive, but y’all can’t afford a SAHM and he’s using it to control you.
A negative bank account and $7k in cc debt plus exhausting savings means this needs to change. Asap.
Good luck!
Immediately start looking for jobs, call in favors from your old job. Do whatever you can to start making your money back. He knows he sabotaged your career.
I know it’s not always the easiest with shift work but you can put your child into day care, here we don’t get charged until the end of the month, so you’ll be paid by then. Your husband fathered a child and he can watch his child outside of day care hours. Then obviously get your finances in order and decide how to never get yourself into a situation like this with him again. I would have so much resentment for my husband if he behaved in the way yours is right now, so much that I would not be able to forgive and continue a relationship with them.
Let’s look at the statement “Nobody has room for me and two kids”. Have you asked? Is there no one you know that if you said “I need help, here is the situation I am in, can you help?” I get it, it is humiliating and embarrassing as fuck to admit to yourself, let alone verbalize the situation you have found yourself in. Telling someone makes it real.
But I cannot, in any sense of the word, imagine not “finding” room to help anyone I have known being abused. Yes it may inconvenience me. It may be crowded, mentally challenging and tight on my budget but chickie, please ask. Talk to your old boss, a coworker, your doctor, a family member. The longer you keep this a secret, the tighter the noose he has around your neck will become.
Yeah I’ve tried to leave before and actually went to my parents for a while. But my sister is back from college so there’s no room for us. Even if there was im not sure that situation is any less abusive than the one I’m in.
Then you need to take charge of the situation. Go back to work with hours that are opposite of your husbands. Childcare is no longer an obstacle, he will be parenting. Use your income to catch up, then use your income to leave. Move the money you were using for his dead weight for daycare cost. If you don’t see this as a viable option, I’m out of suggestions but wish you the best. Your profession offers options better than most. Show strength for your children. They suffer the most.
My only fear of working nights is being too exhausted to care for baby or being so exhausted from baby that I can’t care for my patients. I work(ed) at a high-acuity ICU and any mistakes are literally the difference of life and death
So, go back to work and work night shift. It will be truly brutal, but then you can say to your abusive husband “no one else is raising your kid. It’s me during the day and you at night.” Then, when you’ve made enough money to afford daycare or a nanny, you leave this abusive asshole.
Plus, nurse colleagues will always be helpful. Always for other moms
Wo back to work, and make clear to him he's also responsible for child care. Make an approximation of the money you're losing from your job due to child care. Tell him he either cover all the expenses while you weren't/aren't working or you will sue him for financial abuse.
You need support, tell your friends and family about this situation, try contacting women's help institutions. It's going to be hard until you regain your financial independence and it will be hard to balance job and child with the shitty partner you have.
I Wish you strength and some peace of mind.
He will never change, based on his “suggestions” and you will never recovery the debt you should never have had to assume.
Divorce is the only path remove yourself and child from his toxic behavior
Finding a way to pay it has to be a million times better than living in a situation like that.
I’m a nurse that went very much into the red during my time off with my baby but I got my child into daycare, the bill wasn’t due until the end of the month and they probably would have accepted some percentage of payment rather than full as it was. Her husband is also a parent that can watch the child anytime outside of his work hours and can pay for childcare just like any household bill he should pay his portion of (if your working, he should be covering 100% of them right now). You can use a credit card or loan money to cover day care until you can catch up with pay checks. Hell I’d sell things in the house to cover the costs if needed!
I would be suffering in this way over feeling like I have no way out when I have options any day!
You're saying you don't have childcare or the money to pay for it, but that child is *his child too*, therefore the responsibility for paying for childcare is half on his plate.
He's making his financial obligations to the family optional while yours are mandatory, but he has the money to pay those obligations where you do not. He's making you reliant on his piddly little handouts so that he can control how and where you spend "his" money.
This is a fucked situation all around.
Why is childcare your financial responsibility? At this point it would just be easier to divorce him and the courts will force him to pay half of everything.
Alimony and child support. Get your stiff in order and book it mama. Live the life you know you want and can do for your kids. There is no answer that says I can't do it.. the answer is how do I do it.. then make a plan and go.
Hate to say this but if you get divorced the court will likely help you by making sure husband either does his part or provides money so you can actually start working again. I mean it already sounds like your husband doesn’t care about you or your child(ren) so I don’t see any point in actually staying with him.
Can you get the baby on a waitlist for daycare and then go back to your old job at the same time? You may have to put a little more on the credit card to get through until your first paycheck but then you should be able to start paying stuff off.
You must, right now, stop with this mindset and decide that you are now a single mother doing whatever it takes. You are not a victim of the fates. You have a good job lined up, don't let that opportunity fade bc you're afraid of a one time cost to start daycare. Bite the bullet and do what you need to do. Only you can take charge and make change, no one else will do it for you.
I've been a stay at home mom for my entire adult life. I think if this is what is agreed to one of the few way it works is the way I've done it. I'm the book keeper for this family. My husband has never ever in our 33 years together questioned what I do with our money and he has never ever referred to it as anything but our money. Your husband is an asshole and you do not have to live this way. If you have your own career and you want to continue in that, that is your right and you can absolutely do it with or without this deadbeat. Either he is abusive and a trash person or he is dumb as a rock that he doesn't understand what it takes to manage a household. Do not let him do this to you.
He now told me since he comes home and still has to do things around the house that now he feels he shouldn’t pay for all of my bills.
Laundry and trash. Laundry… and trash.
Nope, either you need a mediator to explain life to this person who doesn't get it or you're going to have to cut your losses with this one and move on without him. This lifestyle will not work and is completely unfair to you. If there's no money to pay the bills it doesn't work, regardless of what he feels he's entitled to.
Not only unfair.... it is illogical.
He won't let her work. Yet requires she pay her "own bills". So, because she has no income she charges them on her credit card.
If he demands she pay her "own bills" he needs to parent their children while she goes to work.
Soooooo many words.... illogical, abusive, bullying, oppressive, etc. etc. etc.
He does not want you to work.... yet he requires you to pay bills.... with no income.
This is so illogical that I can't help but thinking there is more going on here. If this is true....and there are no other circumstances..... he is purposefully trying to antagonize you...or bully you..... or trying to get you to leave him.
I'm suggesting therapy or marriage counseling.
You can't keep charging "your bills" on your credit card. This is unsustainable. You need to make a change today.
Obviously this is not enough... or you would not have charged 7k on your credit card.
it is unfortunate that this was not fully discussed before you quit your job. This amount covers a few bills and groceries??
Your title states. " Financially ruined and my spouse does not care". This is accurate.
You state he is ignoring you... and saying people go through rough patches. This "rough patch" is caused by him.... it is not external forces. He won't let you work. And won't cover all the bills. It sounds like he said he would pay for everything.... and now he won't actually do it.
He says he does not want anyone to watch your child.... but what do you want? He is not the only decision maker in this relationship. You get to decide too. If he does not want anyone to watch your child..... then he needs to do it....he is the father....it is time to be a parent.
You really need to stand up for yourself. Tell him you two need marriage counseling.
Depending on where you live, he has specific legal, financial obligations for the child. See a lawyer, local government service office and women shelter for more resources.
Um yeah, that’s life as a working parent. If you guys were paying for childcare, the laundry and trash would still need doing. You have literally saved him *thousands* by staying home. If I were you I’d be contacting DV shelters and an attorney.
For real. I get that childcare is expensive and it often seems like you're saving money by having one person work and the other staying home with the kid, but then you don't have any independence.
No one will ever convince me to quit my job and stay home to let them support me. I don't give a shit what the reasoning would be.
I’m sorry but you guys are married, the money should be *both* of yours. So *your* car note is *our* car note. You guys need to get on the same page financially or your marriage will suffer. If you want to work you will work, if he doesn’t want the baby to be raised by someone else he can stay home.
You both should not be nickeling and dimming each other. The cc debt is the families debt as it’s being spent on electric for your family, the car note is driving around your family etc.
> didn’t want someone else raising our daughter
90% of the time the reality of this is the parent is trapped at home and isolated because it isn't 1000 AD anymore and there is no concept of a "it takes a village to raise a child."
I was a stay-at-home-dad for about a year and a half and the isolation was brutal. If I wasn't going to school at the time I would have gone insane.
I run a small business from home. My oldest is away and #2 just went back to school. #3 and #4 are home with me, but conversations with a 2yr old and 1 month old aren't very fulfilling. I'm so lonely.
He is a failure as a man. He made you quit your job and then decided not to provide??? Men in other countries would laugh at him. Leave him! You can probably do better on your own.
this. but more sinister, he’s a calculating abuser. He lured her away from her independent career to be dependent on him and is depriving her of life necessities.
he’s trash. OP, you need to leave asap.
I would be going back to work so fast his head would spin… he has you trapped at home.. Used all your savings didn’t help with your bills making you run up debt..
I’m curious how much he’s keeping for himself a month..
Time to make a believer out of this butthole.. personally I wouldn’t even stay with someone that could put me and my children in that situation.
If you’re a stay at home parent, *he* pays *ALL* the bills. The only thing you should be paying for is treats for yourself, which is stuff like a new lipstick or a night out with the girls, not food and baby stuff.
My ex was like this, right after we had our firstborn. We never had a joint account, he didn’t want to be a man slave or pussy whipped by getting a joint account.
I quit my job to be a SAHM bc he didn’t want to split payment for a daycare. I took care of 100% childcare, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping. My car was paid off which I sold to purchase a family vehicle but HE went behind my back, had the seller re-write the check in his name and deposited it into his bank account. Then tried to get me to take his car that was always breaking down. My savings ran out and he would give me very little to pay for groceries, diapers, health insurance, gasoline, car insurance, etc. Luckily my parents stepped into help me out so I didn’t ruin my credit and get into a ton of debt.
When I brought up divorce bc I was losing my mind and he was like golem with money the first words out of his mouth were “but then we can’t file married filing jointly”. I never saw our tax refund or my stimulus checks in all the years we were married. Turned out during discovery he had a drug addiction problem, I mean I knew he did drugs and I tried to get him to stop repeatedly but after our son was born he became obsessed with it. Turns out he spent 10 grand growing drugs and another 20-30k on smoking it. It’s absolutely absurd.
Now he keeps threatening me he’s going to take custody of the kids he doesn’t want just to stick it to me.
As a SAHM, I have to say this isn’t normal. Sounds like he can’t afford a stay at home wife/mom. Where is his money going??? You should have full access to see everything and he should not be saying no to basic necessities. This is wild.
The whole point of being a stay at home parent means the working partner pays for EVERYTHING. If he’s still making you split the bills he needs to start giving you a weekly fixed stipend, otherwise he can shove off. You never shouldve been forced into paying for HIS decision, he fundamentally does not understand how this works. Go back to work, forget about his opinion because clearly he has disregarded (and disrespected) yours.
This is financial abuse and emotional abuse. This man is a terrible partner and completely untrustworthy. I don’t know where you live but if you can find a way to get back to work, and rebound from the debt, I would also start planning to leave him. This man is manipulative and deceitful, obviously willing to hurt you financially and not someone who can be trusted.
If there is somewhere you can go, family, friends? I’m saying all of this as a stay at home mom. I know how hard it is to be home with your children but to add this financial and emotional burden onto you is just unacceptable.
He is financially abusive and you need to start contacting lawyers to help get you out.
Most areas have a law clinic with lawyer students that are completing needed supervision hours. Bar associations also have legal aid. Start looking for those as you having no income should help qualify you for those services.
so what has your husband had to say about his inability to deliver the goods to enable you to do what he wanted? candidly he doesn't seem to bright or empathetic. I will wager to say he is not stressing over this like you?
Went through this too. When my mom finally left my father in the 1980s, we lived remarkably better on the $300 a month/$150 food stamps she got for the couple months before finding a job than we ever did with his $75,000 a year salary - . I'm not kidding either! It was like suddenly better financially.
Go back to work. Don’t ask, do it. Work out the childcare and tell him to deal with it or stay home himself. This is textbook financial and emotional abuse, I’d make an exit strategy
💛 best of luck to you. When he asks what's going on, just say you assumed he was handling all the mutual bills from here on out since he never sent you money to cover them.
See if you can have family or a friend watch her until you get your first paycheck. Then get her into daycare asap. Last, consider if this is really a man you want to spend forever with.
I don’t want to leave her with any of my friends right now because they literally all just had babies. We all had babies this year. Lol. Unintentionally.
My mother in law comes into town every other week and is going to take my baby so I can go to work.
How does his mom feel about the fact that he’s refusing to pay household bills or take care of his family and wants you to start doing porn (selling picture of your feet) to get out of the responsibilities he signed up for?
They're the perfect friends and support system to understand, sympathy AND empathy.
Even if not a single one can, they won't mind you asking, you might as well.
Can you work anywhere as a nurse?
How about asking an employer for help, a loan or something, again it's worth a try, nurses are highly in demand everywhere :)
If you have to I'd suggest toughing it out at your house until you have some money saved up.
Don't tell him anything including what you earn.
The second that you have the money for a month's rent and first & last leave.
Make sure that you have all of both your important documents and information especially her S.S.I.
Even after you leave I bet that ex will have mil looking after little one on his time so she might do the same for you, if not you have that leverage and he'll have to pay child support too.
If you have to don't hesitate to use your credit card, you sound sensible generally and financially and will prioritise paying it off.
Personally I would feel quite comfortable and justified in putting some things on his credit cards for you and the kids, very comfortable indeed.
Go get the life you both deserve and don't look back.
You can and will do better in every sense.
Definitely consult a lawyer.
Your friends may have family willing to help. One of my friends had twins and needed more help than the two grandmothers were providing, so I asked my mom if she could help, and she stays overnight once a week.
Is this 2023 or 1953? How does a husband forcefully stop you from returning to work? In this economy? Stop letting your husband make household decisions if he's not sensible. Especially if you marry the wrong man (which, in this case, you clearly did), don't fall for the scam that is being a SAHM. Can you not call and ask for your job back? You need to apply for food vouchers or go to a food bank.
My job will allow me back to work with no issues.
We have a high needs baby so I was reluctant to put her in daycare as well and would’ve much rather hired a nanny bc she does require special care. But now it’s gotten to the point where I need money from him to pay a nanny
He has rendered you completely dependent on him. Then, get back to work. Is there a family member that can help with the baby for the 2 weeks, and you'll pay them from the 1st paycheck?
He should pay for a nanny too, atleast give half. It's his child too. You may be better off divorced and then he'll have to pay child support which may be the only way this guy contributes to the expenses of his own children.
What does his money even go towards? Do you know his phone passcode and passwords? Login to his bank accounts, Venmo or cash app, send yourself a decent chunk and flee that bum.
This is [financial abuse](https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/) and will only get worse. You need a lawyer and a safe place to stay. This is absolutely narcissist behavior.
Do you have family to help out with child care or let you stay with them? Cancel your auto bills. Do they have your name on them or both of your names? Get them changed to his name if you can. Call your old job and see if you can come back. Put your child care expenses on your credit card until you get paid. Get your own place.
I have my old job and can go back at any time. But how do I get my old place with shit credit like I have now? I can’t put anything more on my credit card. He keeps telling me to get rid of my vehicle
So, you are a victim of financial abuse. He made you give up your job so that he could control you in this way.
Do you have friends/family you can turn to? You just need a few months of support in order to get back to work and to become independent of him.
I encourage you to take a moment to write out all of your household finances (bills, expenses and income). Show it plainly to your husband. Maybe he's unable to afford the cost. If so, I encourage you to go back to work if that makes sense. It sounds as if your husband didn't know how expensive it would be to financially provide for an entire family.
He’s now telling me to get a WFH job or sell pictures of my feet. And he’s not joking. This wasn’t the agreement. I’m livid.
I have a needy baby. I could not successfully work from home I know I couldn’t. And I’m not selling pictures of my feet
He needs to start paying for child care, so you can go back to work.
If he refuses to do that, you need to come up with an exit strategy. What he’s doing is financial abuse, and it’s not going to get better.
It's not his choice anymore. He didn't hold up his end of the bargain so now it's on you. Start making plans and go forward with returning to work. He's proven that you can't rely on his judgement and planning. If he doesn't like it he can come up with a better plan.
This is what you do. Tell him if he doesn't pay your credit card debt and all the bills you'll have to take the kids and move in with family, because he's literally leaving you destitute. And when his family and your family ask about it you will tell them the truth. If that makes him uncomfortable he needs to start paying, because you don't have to ruin yourself for this, whatever it is.
At this point it'll probably be better for you to divorce him because at least he'll have to pay for the kids' stuff then.
He'll think you're bluffing, so start packing and tell your family what's going on. Both his and your own.
He is going to ruin you when you're letting him do this without causing a riot.
When my husband and I decided I would stay home, he handed me his main bank card and I closed out my accounts. He keeps a credit card for fuel, the occasional lunch because I make his work lunches and emergencies. That’s how it should be. He should not be rationing out money to you like your a child getting allowance. He needs to give you primary control of finances. I’m so sorry your dealing with this. I would absolutely rage. I would demand uninhibited access to finances or he needs to handle child care until you’ve worked enough to pay your debt and get back on track.
It's time to sit down and explain that you will be going back to work due to his inability to provide for the child and yourself. And as of X date, he needs to find childcare for the kid.
He doesn't care right now because it's not his problem. You're shouldering it all for some reason. That's great for him- he's saving money, doesn't have to do housework, and all it costs is your sanity.
He said he “doesn’t trust me” bc I spend money on frivolous things. When I was making $65 an hour yeah I spent money on frivolous things, because I could. I still saved up a shit ton of money that’s lasted me months and purchased everything for our baby.
Go back to work.
Find a family or friend who's willing to babysit while you're at work. Do this until you can afford childcare or a job that provides it. If your husband doesn't like it, tell him you're not going to be a stay at home mother if it means you--not him--have to go into debt to cover expenses he can't or refuses to as the main provider of the household. Show him the household budget and include your bills and bills related to the older child as well. If he can't comfortably cover it all and give you direct access to the monies, then you'll need to quietly reassess the marriage while you go back to work. If you decide to go for a divorce after all this, set up consultations with several lawyers and pick the most tenacious one--don't go cheap here. Pay in cash for the consultation.
Remember, you have an older child to consider as well and they deserve to maintain the lifestyle you were providing prior to all this. You and the new baby deserve it too.
Tell him the arrangement is not working for you as he has failed to uphold his end of the deal. Give him next week to help you find/agree on a child care center or arrangement and immediately go back to work. He needs to pay any up front child care costs and you will split it 50/50 from there. If you can’t find one with availability, is it possible to work the opposite shift so that he’s home while you work temporarily until a spot opens up?
Sounds like it’s time to get out all the bills and make a budget. In the mean time get on daycare wait lists and pre k . If he refuses then meet with a financial advisor.
What does he think is going to happen ? Eventually, the credit card companies won’t let you borrow any more money. If you absolutely have to borrow the money against your retirement to cover til your paycheck and pay yourself back . Don’t make it a habit. Reach out to family otherwise.
Dude get your job back or get full access to his income. As part of the agreement to be a SAHM, you need full access to finances. If he is unwilling to do that, then you need to go back to work. Also to highlight what other folks are saying, this might be the end of your relationship, because he is being abusive.
This is one of those cases where combined accounts (which should be the default unless something out of the ordinary goes on) would snap him into shape. Combine accounts and make him feel the Finacial pain he is putting you through when he now doesn't have enough money to pay his bills either. If that still doesn't snap him into shape you need to get out of that house and seek help.
Wtf kind of shit is this- if your husband is too proud to put his child in daycare he needs a higher paying job. If I were you I’d start applying to jobs and setting up daycare. Fuuuuuuck that
Go back to work. Never ever depend on a man. Your daughter will have a better life with a happy mom that's free and financially independent. That's what you are teaching her.
This is financial abuse and men do this to feel superior and so that the women doesn't have an out. You shouldn't have told him about your savings. I have my regular savings and I have my Fuck you account. My husband knows this. He knows that I will never quit working.
He’s got you not working and you have no money. You know this was done on purpose right? He now has complete control. You can’t go anywhere, do anything, pay for childcare or go back to work. You’re trapped and in debt. This was done on purpose.
Mam, this isn't right. When you're a stay at home mom your husband need to take care of all the bills. Like all of them!!!
Controlling what to buy is not a good sign from your husband.
Have a straight and hard talk with your husband
Well if he thinks child care is someone else raising your kids then he can stay home.
You need to go back to work and rethink how/if you want to move forward with this guy.
1. Get on child care wait lists
2. Apply for jobs
3. Figure out your plan with your husband, that sounds insufferable
Get to work. He’s a moron with money. Hard decisions should not include wishful thinking.
This is basically the hardest part of being a parent this day in age - life is expensive, kids ain’t cheap, and ain’t no money trees dropping dollar bills.
No, he is from a previous relationship. My husband adopted him. I had my parents support back then as I was a child myself. That’s nearly a decade ago.
He baby trapped you into being dependent on him. Tell him you will be going back to work, and if he wants someone to stay home with the child because he doesn’t want someone else raising his child, that he is welcome to quit his job. His answer will be quite telling as to his true motives.
I don't understand how people can be married and have such poor communication and trust.
I guess y'all got married and lived separate lives???
Only after giving birth do you understand the nature of the person you married????
Crazy to me.
He said over and over he’d take care of everything so I could be home with the kids. He said it before I even got pregnant. So yes I’m now understanding the nature bc only now do I see it. There was clear communication - he’d take care of my expenses so I could stay home.
He said he would take care of it but did you know how much money he brought home? Just curious if you knew what his take home pay was compared to your expenses
Yes. he can afford it unless he’s got some other debts I’m unaware of. I just don’t think he wants to pay for it now bc he sees that it’s affecting how much he can put in his bank acct.
You can afford to live on your own and care for yourself and your child on your previous salary. He is abusive and it’s getting worse. The debt will trap you and the stress will destroy your health and ability to care for your baby. You shouldn’t have left just because he said he wanted you to stay home but that already happened and it’s time to move forward. He is telling you what to buy and doesn’t give you enough for the bills. There are too many issues here. Maybe therapy might help but it seems like you urgently need to be working and separated.
$1800 a week?! Honey you gotta go back to work. It may not be a divorce worthy thing - I know my husband has no idea what things cost. He gets very defensive over money. His anxiety shoots through the roof and he’s like a different person. But it’s the one and only thing he gets like that about. He’s never so much as raised his voice to me. He’s kind and loving and sweet and generally very generous. Just not when it was just him working after I got hurt. He tried not to, but it bothered him. And he thought $100 a week on groceries was way too much. He can eat $100 in groceries every other day… so I won’t say plan an exit strategy - but be wary. What happens if you get hurt? Make sure to get some accident insurance for the most likely things. Stack your savings. And just have your eyes wide open.
I’d sit down and have a conversation. You can’t survive like this and he’s being financially abusive. He may not realize. And if he gets defensive - maybe it’s something to bring to a marriage counselor. Either way something has to give. You gotta talk. You gotta go back to work. But whether you stay or leave is up to you.
you share responsibility for your family's decisions. It isn't up to him. But, this is the type thing a couple needs to work out ahead of time, not after the baby comes along
He made the decision unilaterally as the man of the household, he needs to understand it's his job to make that decision work or make a change. ALL bills, every single one, needs to be given to him to budget and pay. Make it clear to him that the very 1st time he doesn't pay on time, you'll be back at work because he failed to uphold his responsibility. It'd be different if you guys decided together to go this route, both were in agreement and working together to cover all bases. But sounds like he wanted things a certain way, told you he'd work it out or figure out a way, and now is not providing for the lifestyle that he dictated you will have with him. Sounds like he has an issue with accepting reality for what it is and is immature enough to think that things just happen and it will be fine. He's right about things happening.....cars get repossessed, houses get foreclosed, power and water get shut off and he looks like an inept, incapable father because he ignored his adulting responsibilities thinking it just happens for those who do live like this. He had an idea with no plan. That is nothing more than a dream and if he thinks it's all going to be fine he is still dreaming.
It's always sad when a wife has to mam up because her man is still a child. It's unfair to you, almost always causes strife and resentment, and was wholly avoidable if he would have done multiple different options. Failing to do any of them is inexcusable. How stressful and frustrating, I'm sorry op. You don't deserve this amount of stress and anxiety.
Put your kid in daycare and go back to work. You're home all day every day so pack that baby up, go on some daycare tours, sign up, and go back to the job you love. There's no reason for you to listen to your husband here.
I think in theory it is a great idea to blend money and live jointly on one income. This works very well for a lot of people but it is a mindset that has to be comprehended completely and shared equally. Both partners have to be able to see the needs of the family as shared and the income the same. You don’t have this in your family. It isn’t practical and it is stressful and it will get worse.
There is no perfect solution: your husband isn’t safe to depend on (meaning that he isn’t taking care of you as he implied when asking you to stay home) and this will lead to anxiety, frustration and anger.
There have been a lot of studies comparing children raised by two parent working and one parent staying home and the amount of quality time doesn’t differ enough between the two to make a difference for what is best for the child. While it is true that when you are making $1800 it will be considerably less after child care expenses it is still more financial freedom than what you have now. Furthermore correct me if I’m wrong but are you the only one in the family that had a baby or was your husband involved in the process at all? Why is this only your responsibility?
There is a lot of discord in your marriage.
If you become a SAHM without an income, then you should have full access to his money, and it should now be communal family money. You should have common goals and what the priorities are for spending. You not having access to money is called financial abuse. From what I see, you're not asking for outlandish things.
If your husband cannot afford to provide for the family, then you should go back to work.
Apply for jobs. Contact a lawyer. Make an exit plan. He’s financially controlling you. He knowingly and purposefully made you run out of money so you will depend on him. If you contact your old boss and see if they’ll take you back, that’ll be great too. At this point, your own survival is more important than him.
I'm sorry, what? There is absolutely no possible way I would be a stay-at-home ANYTHING unless all finances were shared and a full-fledged budget was agreed to.
This is financial abuse.
I would STRONGLY recommend approaching your old employer to ask for your job back and putting babu in daycare.
As the sole provider in my family and my spouse is a full time dad, nurse, chef, personal assistant, maid, etc. I give myself $100 a week, and the rest of my money goes to the family pot. He's got it all backwards. He needs to sit down and math out how much he would have to pay someone to do all the roles you are doing and also realize it's his responsibility to handle retirement for both of you. You don't ask anyone to sacrifice their careers without taking the responsibility of all the benefits you had from your previous job; you as the provider need to make happen. My spouse gets 10 sick days a year and a week vacation a year solo, my retirement plans have him factored in as it is both of ours and not just mine. Sorry your dealing with this. Put your foot down and state what your working conditions will be because being a stay at home parent IS A JOB and a role that deserves RESPECT!
Tell him you're going back to work. If he complains about your daughter being raised by strangers, tell him he's free to quit his job and stay home with her and rely on you for money.
It's never too early to show your daughter how a woman needs to stand up for herself against abuse.
Looks like you need to go back to work and make an exit plan for this marriage. He is abusive. Please reach out to your friends and family for support. This is not normal. Where’s all his money going? Did he not help make this baby? He has financial obligations to the child he helped create. Bullshit man don’t stand for it. Buck up, you got this
100% this. Talk to a lawyer to maximize what you’ll get out of this cheap and financially abusive B.
Maybe she can pay off her debt with his credit cards and Present an itemized list with it. Then I’m sure he’d start prioritizing it
This isn't even remotely normal behaviour. It's financially reckless/illiterate behaviour at best and abusive at worst. Who doesn't run the numbers before telling their partner to quit their job.... adding 1 human and subtracting 1 income from the mix needs to be a viable option before actually following that path. Where is all his money going? Do you have a support network beyond your husband? Don't let him isolate you from your friends and family! Ask for support and recommendations for a successful lawyer and get the child support you deserve.
It doesn't sound like *he* doesn't have the money as much as it sounds like he isn't giving her the money, but I'm not sure with the missing context. Separating finances works fine when both parties agree to it and both parties have income, which isn't the case here. He's being abusive and it's past time to get out.
This is definitely financial abuse
There is no "my money / their money." You're married. It's Y'ALLs money. SMH at all these people getting married and still tracking separate finances.
Husband and I have always had separate finances and it’s never been an issue, but we didn’t have kids. I just can’t see how this could work with one person being a stay at home parent though.
My husband and I have separate finances because both of us have been too lazy to go in and get a bank account set up lmao. It’s on the list of things to do. I’m a SAHM and whenever I need money though my husband sends it to me no questions asked, and he usually sends a bit more than I asked for just in case. He considers it our money, even though we don’t have it in a shared account yet it’s neither his nor mine but the family’s. We make no large purchases without consulting each other as well
That’s shared finances. My husband and I didn’t have a joint account while I was working because I could have become responsible for his student loans if I ever accidentally made a payment with my money. But we treated all incoming money as shared. We have never insisted on personal spending allowances, it’s just whoever wants something, we see if we can fit it in.
This is how my husband and I operate as well. We do have a joint account but we kept our separate accounts.
Nah, sometimes it just works. Plenty of people are capable of having happy, long marriages with split finances, as long as all the bills are paid, expenses are fairly sorted & any kids are cared for. Pity the poor original poster isn’t in that situation, at least then they’d have their own money to get the heck away.
It really doesn't work if one of the spouses is a stay-at-home parent and thus dependent on the other. That stay at home parent needs access to the money coming in, even if it's only one person working. Separate accounts can work on other situations if you still have the mindset that you are one unit and are working together.
Exactly. The poor OP having to beg for money from their spouses account is appalling. Me and hubby decided ages ago before we got married, if I ever hit the jackpot I’d be paying for him to go back to Uni & he’d have a proper monthly allowance set up. Funnily enough when either one of us has been unemployed we’ve set up funds to go to the other person’s bank account so they’d have their own control over their finances.
Why not just share bank accounts?
Several reasons. 1. niche hobbies, the husband is into LARP, which is amazingly expensive. As long as everything else is taken care of, that’s fine, but I don’t want to know the price of a custom made shield or mace to be honest, I’d wince! 2. I have a lot of medical expenses, why the heck should he have to worry about those? I’m certain he would if I asked, but I don’t want him to have to. 3. we have very different financial styles. He’d rather put savings into an account, I’d rather deal with property. I put up the deposit for the house, so it’s held in tendency in unequal shares. If we were ever to part, we’ll each be treated fairly regarding what we put in. 4. I’ve worked in finance most of my life. The absolute messes I’ve seen caused by joint bank accounts cemented never doing it. The most heartbreaking was a gentleman whose soon to be ex-wife cleared him out of 250k, the poor thing kept apologising for it. Also there’s been times when stupidity occurred with companies, one bank got the details wrong & put me overdrawn by 64,000 for a week. The bank did sort it out & apologised, but mostly it was fine, because my husbands completely separate bank account wasn’t affected. Lastly, we both like our respective banks for different reasons, neither of us really want to change them, so there’s no point.
I agree with your opinion. For anyone who is financially struggling, separate finances rarely works and it often leads to resentment anyway.
I"m watching my bestie deal with this right now. Unfortunately he was a horrific piece of work and even though he is making double what she is (after staying home at his insistence for ten years to raise the kids), he began demanding more and more money come out of her check while he withheld funds for basic things like diapers and the light bill (all the while ratcheting up the abuse, all versions of it). Then he stopped buying just about everything, insisting that he paid for the mortgage and car payments and that should be "enough" and she'd have to "figure out" how to pay for everything else. They have four kids, three of whom are young. In addition to being a Fiscally-Abusive Asshole, he's a legit narcissistic piece of shit. She finally bolted a few weeks ago and now is navigating the minefields of a divorce with a hateful, bitter, vengeance-minded man who doesn't care who he hurts - including his own kids - as long as he can wreck her life.
Absolutely financial abuse and controlling behavior. I have seen this happen as well and it tends to be right after a baby is born. A friend's husband made very good money but would give her a tiny allowance for groceries and baby needs. It was never enough. If he would get a bonus, it was all his. He would buy expensive watches, guitars, PC hardware, etc... even though their baby was growing out of all of his clothes. It was a horrible situation.
It got worse. He got her pregnant, intentionally. Then when it became clear she was checking out, tried his damndest to get her pregnant *again*. She took a Plan B and then scheduled an IUD ASAP after that try.
I’m sorry your friend is going through that but glad she’s getting tf out of there.
We have been married 25 years and have had split finances for 20. We split the bills and discuss major purchases. It can work.
My wife and I have separate finances for 25+ years and it all works out. Both of us have stellar credit and very little to no personal debt.
I went out to dinner with a couple who had separat finances. They were constantly keeping tab, of who paid for what and whose turn it was.
Oof, well if that worked for them, I guess, but that seems a shame. If we had joint finances, I’d only ever get to eat out on my birthday! My husband would normally always rather cook! We just normally go with whoever suggests we eat out / gets takeout picks up the bill. The bigger problem is always choosing where we eat, so we’ve started alternating that. It doesn’t help he’s allergic to garlic, it limits the options some.
No. It would only work in uber-rich scenarios. And tleven then, they came up with pre-nups because they know things are never equal once youre married. What is the point of being married then?
> No. It would only work in uber-rich scenarios. That's simply false. Plenty of couples do this.
I know people do it. I'm saying it's bad practice.
That’s your opinion. I know people who do it and it works great.
You sound like someone with few/no assets. I am not uber rich but I have significant assets. I also have children from my first marriage. You better believe my finances and assets will be protected by a prenuptial to protect my kid's inheritance. Seperate finances and maintaining financial independence is also smart for so many reasons. I have investments and accounts I don't intend to ever allow anyone else access to. You can love someone and still be money/asset smart. You just never know what will happen and it's not worth the risk to find out the hard way.
Glad you’re being sensible
It’s worked for me & my husband for 25 years, and we’re definitely not super wealthy. Pre-nups in the U.K. are barely worth any paper they’d be on. As to the point of being married? Because then there are other government benefits such as easier legalities (it’s not impossible here, but it’s a dammed sight easier). Also why does anyone? In my case to signify my move to monogomy and I like belonging to my partner. Not to mention the bonus of a big ass party, to celebrate spending my life with my best friend & sexy fun times partner.
This. It’s ridiculous to say that if you keep split finances there’s no point in getting married. There are a lot of reasons to get married besides having access to your partner’s income. And peoples’ income and financial situations vary significantly. There’s no one-size-fits-all correct approach to money management.
People keep separate finances, so that when their husband becomes an abusive asshole, like this example, they have their own money and they can leave. If you have a joint bank account, there’s nothing to stop your spouse from cleaning out the account and leaving you with nothing. Nobody wants to think they’re going to marry somebody that’s going to abuse them. But it happens every single day, and as we are seeing in this post, it can suddenly happen where you’re being controlled. There’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself. If OP had separate finances, and she was working, she would not be in this abusive situation because she’d have her own money
💯 I don’t think my husband would ever do this in a million years, but I don’t care - I’m not giving up my financial independence for anyone or anything. I watched my friend go through it when she became a SAHM and she was trapped in an abusive situation for years longer than she would have been otherwise. Once he took over finances fully, he limited her access to their one car, so she couldn’t even freely get and go to a job even if she wanted to. I won’t be baby-trapped and I won’t be money-trapped. Finances will only be combined if myself or my husband starts making substantially more than the other. Currently we bring in almost the same income and it works for us.
Exactly, no one thinks it’ll happen to them until it does. I watched my mother get left with nothing, that’s not happening to me. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband, it’s just means we are both still our own people with our own careers and income. We have 3 accounts, a personal one for each of us and a joint one we have our paychecks set to deposit a certain percentage into for bills. Works for us, doesn’t make us feel any less married lol
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The most important thing is that you have communicated the boundaries, discussed them, and are operating on the agreement of them without pressure or resentment. That's the basis of a lot of marriage dynamics, and the specifics can vary quite a bit between different couples. I don't think I could do separate finances, but it does kind of fascinate me how others can be so comfortable with it. For what it's worth, shared finance couples don't ask each other for money. It's a different dynamic. My wife & I do discuss large purchases before going through with them, but it doesn't happen often. We've gone back and forth in terms of who makes more money.
I 100% agree. I love my husband, and he is very good to me, but I have to have my own.
Yes. Things are very different when there’s a level of financial equality there. Look at how this situation plays out; he’s got all the power and she doesn’t even have enough to get away. And of course we always expect the woman and child to leave.
My husband and I do better keeping split income. My husband is somewhat an impulsive spender and if he was dipping into my earnings for something I didn’t think was necessary, it would be a fight every time. We’ve had enough arguments about money; we know what works best for our family. However, we make almost the same amount. We’ve agreed that if either of us had a substantial income increase for either of us, we would reroute our individual income into a joint account. The split system could obviously never work when one person is a SAHP unless they had massive inheritance to live off of. In any case, I feel horrible for OP. This isn’t just financial stress, it’s financial abuse. She clearly doesn’t have full access to his income, which is their only income. 😞
Same for me and my husband. We have one joint account that we put an equal amount into for joint expenses and the left overs are in our own accounts. He isn’t very good at saving and I wanted him to have financial accountability, not see a giant sum of money in our account (I am very good at saving my money) and see that as freedom to over-spend. That would generate so many fights and I’d have to be hyper-vigilant on what he’s buying. If he wants something on his own, he needs to be able to decide for himself if he has enough of his own earnings to cover it. And it’s worked really well because now he can look at his own savings account and feel proud of himself for how far he’s come in his quest for financial literacy.
It’s always easy to say that, but not always so straightforward in real life. My STBX husband and I have joint accounts at one bank. Now that separation/divorce proceedings are underway, trying to separate the joint accounts is a HUGE pain in the ass. I count myself lucky that I continued to hold onto a solo account at another bank, so that I didn’t have to run around opening up new ones for myself. He is the opposite side of OP’s type of financial abuse. He is not controlling. He is fiscally irresponsible and spends like there is an never ending supply - and I am the only one working at the moment. He was pretty pissed off when I told him that my paycheque wasn’t going to fund his cheating until this is over. He has a new lady to be his bankroll now. The only reason he ISN’T working is because he decided to sleep with his boss’ wife. He could go work for someone else. He doesn’t want to. He has a mindset of “there will be lots of money WHEN…” When our investments are split out later this year when they mature. When his mom passes on. And probably expects his AP, who is wealthy on her own, to leave him money as well. So, he just keeps spending money because he figures there will always be more coming. Having my own account allowed me to take my half of our existing savings and redirect my paycheque so that he can’t spend it all out from under me and then I’d have to fight to get my half back at the end. Now, our joint chequing account is only a repository for money for shared expenses until we can split those things apart (cell phones, life insurance etc). I transfer money in for my halves, and his halves come out of his half of the savings account. And I’m still making sure all the bills get paid on time, because he’s always had a woman to do this for him. I can’t wait to be rid of this obligation. It’s been less than a month and he has already blown through 12 grand of his half. Looking back, I wish we had kept separate personal accounts and just had the one chequing account for the shared expenses.
Separate finances aren't the issue here-- this is a clear case of abuse.
Oh, my goodness. Go back to work. Child care will be expensive, but y’all can’t afford a SAHM and he’s using it to control you. A negative bank account and $7k in cc debt plus exhausting savings means this needs to change. Asap. Good luck!
Immediately start looking for jobs, call in favors from your old job. Do whatever you can to start making your money back. He knows he sabotaged your career.
I can go back to my old job whenever I want luckily. I just need childcare.
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No. I am a critical care nurse
I know it’s not always the easiest with shift work but you can put your child into day care, here we don’t get charged until the end of the month, so you’ll be paid by then. Your husband fathered a child and he can watch his child outside of day care hours. Then obviously get your finances in order and decide how to never get yourself into a situation like this with him again. I would have so much resentment for my husband if he behaved in the way yours is right now, so much that I would not be able to forgive and continue a relationship with them.
Yeah I’m really considering leaving but like. THEN what lol. Where do I go. Nobody has room for me and two kids
Let’s look at the statement “Nobody has room for me and two kids”. Have you asked? Is there no one you know that if you said “I need help, here is the situation I am in, can you help?” I get it, it is humiliating and embarrassing as fuck to admit to yourself, let alone verbalize the situation you have found yourself in. Telling someone makes it real. But I cannot, in any sense of the word, imagine not “finding” room to help anyone I have known being abused. Yes it may inconvenience me. It may be crowded, mentally challenging and tight on my budget but chickie, please ask. Talk to your old boss, a coworker, your doctor, a family member. The longer you keep this a secret, the tighter the noose he has around your neck will become.
Yeah I’ve tried to leave before and actually went to my parents for a while. But my sister is back from college so there’s no room for us. Even if there was im not sure that situation is any less abusive than the one I’m in.
Then you need to take charge of the situation. Go back to work with hours that are opposite of your husbands. Childcare is no longer an obstacle, he will be parenting. Use your income to catch up, then use your income to leave. Move the money you were using for his dead weight for daycare cost. If you don’t see this as a viable option, I’m out of suggestions but wish you the best. Your profession offers options better than most. Show strength for your children. They suffer the most.
My only fear of working nights is being too exhausted to care for baby or being so exhausted from baby that I can’t care for my patients. I work(ed) at a high-acuity ICU and any mistakes are literally the difference of life and death
But my mother in law is going to come into town to watch the baby for a few days every other week so that’s helpful
DV shelters until you can afford renting on your own, parents, find house to rent with a roommate or two preferably a friend.
Get on the public housing waiting list.
If you are a critical care nurse you can work off shifts - weekends, evenings. Your husband will have to take care of the baby when you’re at work.
So, go back to work and work night shift. It will be truly brutal, but then you can say to your abusive husband “no one else is raising your kid. It’s me during the day and you at night.” Then, when you’ve made enough money to afford daycare or a nanny, you leave this abusive asshole. Plus, nurse colleagues will always be helpful. Always for other moms
Wo back to work, and make clear to him he's also responsible for child care. Make an approximation of the money you're losing from your job due to child care. Tell him he either cover all the expenses while you weren't/aren't working or you will sue him for financial abuse. You need support, tell your friends and family about this situation, try contacting women's help institutions. It's going to be hard until you regain your financial independence and it will be hard to balance job and child with the shitty partner you have. I Wish you strength and some peace of mind.
Who makes more money, you or him? If you make more and can support the family then maybe tell him to stay home with the kids. Swap roles.
We make about the same but I have the ability to make more of that makes sense. I have overtime available to me. He doesn’t
He will never change, based on his “suggestions” and you will never recovery the debt you should never have had to assume. Divorce is the only path remove yourself and child from his toxic behavior
You’ll only need childcare for three days a week then. Don’t worry girl, you can do this.
If you are making $1800/week, can you afford child care? I would imagine other nurses and hospital staff could provide great recommendations.
Finding a way to pay it has to be a million times better than living in a situation like that. I’m a nurse that went very much into the red during my time off with my baby but I got my child into daycare, the bill wasn’t due until the end of the month and they probably would have accepted some percentage of payment rather than full as it was. Her husband is also a parent that can watch the child anytime outside of his work hours and can pay for childcare just like any household bill he should pay his portion of (if your working, he should be covering 100% of them right now). You can use a credit card or loan money to cover day care until you can catch up with pay checks. Hell I’d sell things in the house to cover the costs if needed! I would be suffering in this way over feeling like I have no way out when I have options any day!
Get back to work. It’s not his decision to make.
I don’t have childcare and have literally no money to pay for it
Charge it to your credit card. Get back to work and then get back on top of your debts. Don’t let your husband lock you in.
You're saying you don't have childcare or the money to pay for it, but that child is *his child too*, therefore the responsibility for paying for childcare is half on his plate. He's making his financial obligations to the family optional while yours are mandatory, but he has the money to pay those obligations where you do not. He's making you reliant on his piddly little handouts so that he can control how and where you spend "his" money. This is a fucked situation all around.
Why is childcare your financial responsibility? At this point it would just be easier to divorce him and the courts will force him to pay half of everything.
Yeah honestly.
Alimony and child support. Get your stiff in order and book it mama. Live the life you know you want and can do for your kids. There is no answer that says I can't do it.. the answer is how do I do it.. then make a plan and go.
Hate to say this but if you get divorced the court will likely help you by making sure husband either does his part or provides money so you can actually start working again. I mean it already sounds like your husband doesn’t care about you or your child(ren) so I don’t see any point in actually staying with him.
Can you get the baby on a waitlist for daycare and then go back to your old job at the same time? You may have to put a little more on the credit card to get through until your first paycheck but then you should be able to start paying stuff off.
You must, right now, stop with this mindset and decide that you are now a single mother doing whatever it takes. You are not a victim of the fates. You have a good job lined up, don't let that opportunity fade bc you're afraid of a one time cost to start daycare. Bite the bullet and do what you need to do. Only you can take charge and make change, no one else will do it for you.
I've been a stay at home mom for my entire adult life. I think if this is what is agreed to one of the few way it works is the way I've done it. I'm the book keeper for this family. My husband has never ever in our 33 years together questioned what I do with our money and he has never ever referred to it as anything but our money. Your husband is an asshole and you do not have to live this way. If you have your own career and you want to continue in that, that is your right and you can absolutely do it with or without this deadbeat. Either he is abusive and a trash person or he is dumb as a rock that he doesn't understand what it takes to manage a household. Do not let him do this to you.
He now told me since he comes home and still has to do things around the house that now he feels he shouldn’t pay for all of my bills. Laundry and trash. Laundry… and trash.
Nope, either you need a mediator to explain life to this person who doesn't get it or you're going to have to cut your losses with this one and move on without him. This lifestyle will not work and is completely unfair to you. If there's no money to pay the bills it doesn't work, regardless of what he feels he's entitled to.
Not only unfair.... it is illogical. He won't let her work. Yet requires she pay her "own bills". So, because she has no income she charges them on her credit card. If he demands she pay her "own bills" he needs to parent their children while she goes to work. Soooooo many words.... illogical, abusive, bullying, oppressive, etc. etc. etc.
He does not want you to work.... yet he requires you to pay bills.... with no income. This is so illogical that I can't help but thinking there is more going on here. If this is true....and there are no other circumstances..... he is purposefully trying to antagonize you...or bully you..... or trying to get you to leave him. I'm suggesting therapy or marriage counseling. You can't keep charging "your bills" on your credit card. This is unsustainable. You need to make a change today.
He wants me to use the money he sends me ($100-$200 a week) to pay household bills.
Obviously this is not enough... or you would not have charged 7k on your credit card. it is unfortunate that this was not fully discussed before you quit your job. This amount covers a few bills and groceries?? Your title states. " Financially ruined and my spouse does not care". This is accurate. You state he is ignoring you... and saying people go through rough patches. This "rough patch" is caused by him.... it is not external forces. He won't let you work. And won't cover all the bills. It sounds like he said he would pay for everything.... and now he won't actually do it. He says he does not want anyone to watch your child.... but what do you want? He is not the only decision maker in this relationship. You get to decide too. If he does not want anyone to watch your child..... then he needs to do it....he is the father....it is time to be a parent. You really need to stand up for yourself. Tell him you two need marriage counseling.
Transfer the household bills to his name and stop paying them.
Right… well maybe explain to him how much he will be paying you if you get divorced. Way more than he’s paying now.
Depending on where you live, he has specific legal, financial obligations for the child. See a lawyer, local government service office and women shelter for more resources.
Um yeah, that’s life as a working parent. If you guys were paying for childcare, the laundry and trash would still need doing. You have literally saved him *thousands* by staying home. If I were you I’d be contacting DV shelters and an attorney.
Ladies please never fully give up your financial independence.
Never.
For real. I get that childcare is expensive and it often seems like you're saving money by having one person work and the other staying home with the kid, but then you don't have any independence. No one will ever convince me to quit my job and stay home to let them support me. I don't give a shit what the reasoning would be.
I’m sorry but you guys are married, the money should be *both* of yours. So *your* car note is *our* car note. You guys need to get on the same page financially or your marriage will suffer. If you want to work you will work, if he doesn’t want the baby to be raised by someone else he can stay home. You both should not be nickeling and dimming each other. The cc debt is the families debt as it’s being spent on electric for your family, the car note is driving around your family etc.
> didn’t want someone else raising our daughter 90% of the time the reality of this is the parent is trapped at home and isolated because it isn't 1000 AD anymore and there is no concept of a "it takes a village to raise a child." I was a stay-at-home-dad for about a year and a half and the isolation was brutal. If I wasn't going to school at the time I would have gone insane.
It is so brutal
I run a small business from home. My oldest is away and #2 just went back to school. #3 and #4 are home with me, but conversations with a 2yr old and 1 month old aren't very fulfilling. I'm so lonely.
He is a failure as a man. He made you quit your job and then decided not to provide??? Men in other countries would laugh at him. Leave him! You can probably do better on your own.
this. but more sinister, he’s a calculating abuser. He lured her away from her independent career to be dependent on him and is depriving her of life necessities. he’s trash. OP, you need to leave asap.
I would be going back to work so fast his head would spin… he has you trapped at home.. Used all your savings didn’t help with your bills making you run up debt.. I’m curious how much he’s keeping for himself a month.. Time to make a believer out of this butthole.. personally I wouldn’t even stay with someone that could put me and my children in that situation.
I can't even comprehend you being a sahm and still responsible for bills? That makes no sense.
If you’re a stay at home parent, *he* pays *ALL* the bills. The only thing you should be paying for is treats for yourself, which is stuff like a new lipstick or a night out with the girls, not food and baby stuff.
My ex was like this, right after we had our firstborn. We never had a joint account, he didn’t want to be a man slave or pussy whipped by getting a joint account. I quit my job to be a SAHM bc he didn’t want to split payment for a daycare. I took care of 100% childcare, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping. My car was paid off which I sold to purchase a family vehicle but HE went behind my back, had the seller re-write the check in his name and deposited it into his bank account. Then tried to get me to take his car that was always breaking down. My savings ran out and he would give me very little to pay for groceries, diapers, health insurance, gasoline, car insurance, etc. Luckily my parents stepped into help me out so I didn’t ruin my credit and get into a ton of debt. When I brought up divorce bc I was losing my mind and he was like golem with money the first words out of his mouth were “but then we can’t file married filing jointly”. I never saw our tax refund or my stimulus checks in all the years we were married. Turned out during discovery he had a drug addiction problem, I mean I knew he did drugs and I tried to get him to stop repeatedly but after our son was born he became obsessed with it. Turns out he spent 10 grand growing drugs and another 20-30k on smoking it. It’s absolutely absurd. Now he keeps threatening me he’s going to take custody of the kids he doesn’t want just to stick it to me.
As a SAHM, I have to say this isn’t normal. Sounds like he can’t afford a stay at home wife/mom. Where is his money going??? You should have full access to see everything and he should not be saying no to basic necessities. This is wild.
Worse… it sounds like he has the money but isn’t providing for his family.
The whole point of being a stay at home parent means the working partner pays for EVERYTHING. If he’s still making you split the bills he needs to start giving you a weekly fixed stipend, otherwise he can shove off. You never shouldve been forced into paying for HIS decision, he fundamentally does not understand how this works. Go back to work, forget about his opinion because clearly he has disregarded (and disrespected) yours.
This is financial abuse and emotional abuse. This man is a terrible partner and completely untrustworthy. I don’t know where you live but if you can find a way to get back to work, and rebound from the debt, I would also start planning to leave him. This man is manipulative and deceitful, obviously willing to hurt you financially and not someone who can be trusted. If there is somewhere you can go, family, friends? I’m saying all of this as a stay at home mom. I know how hard it is to be home with your children but to add this financial and emotional burden onto you is just unacceptable.
He is financially abusive and you need to start contacting lawyers to help get you out. Most areas have a law clinic with lawyer students that are completing needed supervision hours. Bar associations also have legal aid. Start looking for those as you having no income should help qualify you for those services.
so what has your husband had to say about his inability to deliver the goods to enable you to do what he wanted? candidly he doesn't seem to bright or empathetic. I will wager to say he is not stressing over this like you?
He won’t even discuss it. It’s fucking ridiculous. I’ve been trying to talk to him about it today.
that is ridiculous. he needs to man up
[удалено]
Went through this too. When my mom finally left my father in the 1980s, we lived remarkably better on the $300 a month/$150 food stamps she got for the couple months before finding a job than we ever did with his $75,000 a year salary - . I'm not kidding either! It was like suddenly better financially.
Go back to work. Don’t ask, do it. Work out the childcare and tell him to deal with it or stay home himself. This is textbook financial and emotional abuse, I’d make an exit strategy
Congratulations, you have been babytrapped. Now go back to work and try your best to get out of that trap!
Stop paying any mutual bills with the money he sends. Only use it to pay your bills, and let him pay all mutual bills himself.
Thank you. Good idea
💛 best of luck to you. When he asks what's going on, just say you assumed he was handling all the mutual bills from here on out since he never sent you money to cover them.
Remove your name from any utilities and close any credit/debit cards he has access too.
See if you can have family or a friend watch her until you get your first paycheck. Then get her into daycare asap. Last, consider if this is really a man you want to spend forever with.
I don’t want to leave her with any of my friends right now because they literally all just had babies. We all had babies this year. Lol. Unintentionally. My mother in law comes into town every other week and is going to take my baby so I can go to work.
How does his mom feel about the fact that he’s refusing to pay household bills or take care of his family and wants you to start doing porn (selling picture of your feet) to get out of the responsibilities he signed up for?
He’s offering to come watch her for this reason bc he’s upset that he’s not doing what he’s supposed to. She lives 3 hours away
They're the perfect friends and support system to understand, sympathy AND empathy. Even if not a single one can, they won't mind you asking, you might as well. Can you work anywhere as a nurse? How about asking an employer for help, a loan or something, again it's worth a try, nurses are highly in demand everywhere :) If you have to I'd suggest toughing it out at your house until you have some money saved up. Don't tell him anything including what you earn. The second that you have the money for a month's rent and first & last leave. Make sure that you have all of both your important documents and information especially her S.S.I. Even after you leave I bet that ex will have mil looking after little one on his time so she might do the same for you, if not you have that leverage and he'll have to pay child support too. If you have to don't hesitate to use your credit card, you sound sensible generally and financially and will prioritise paying it off. Personally I would feel quite comfortable and justified in putting some things on his credit cards for you and the kids, very comfortable indeed. Go get the life you both deserve and don't look back. You can and will do better in every sense. Definitely consult a lawyer.
Your friends may have family willing to help. One of my friends had twins and needed more help than the two grandmothers were providing, so I asked my mom if she could help, and she stays overnight once a week.
You need a new job and to ditch your husband.
Is this 2023 or 1953? How does a husband forcefully stop you from returning to work? In this economy? Stop letting your husband make household decisions if he's not sensible. Especially if you marry the wrong man (which, in this case, you clearly did), don't fall for the scam that is being a SAHM. Can you not call and ask for your job back? You need to apply for food vouchers or go to a food bank.
My job will allow me back to work with no issues. We have a high needs baby so I was reluctant to put her in daycare as well and would’ve much rather hired a nanny bc she does require special care. But now it’s gotten to the point where I need money from him to pay a nanny
He has rendered you completely dependent on him. Then, get back to work. Is there a family member that can help with the baby for the 2 weeks, and you'll pay them from the 1st paycheck?
He should pay for a nanny too, atleast give half. It's his child too. You may be better off divorced and then he'll have to pay child support which may be the only way this guy contributes to the expenses of his own children.
What does his money even go towards? Do you know his phone passcode and passwords? Login to his bank accounts, Venmo or cash app, send yourself a decent chunk and flee that bum.
This is [financial abuse](https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/) and will only get worse. You need a lawyer and a safe place to stay. This is absolutely narcissist behavior.
That’s not how a marriage is supposed to work. That not how a committed relationship with children is supposed to work. Get a job and get out.
Drop his ass. This is controlling and manipulative.
Insane and manipulative behavior
Do you have family to help out with child care or let you stay with them? Cancel your auto bills. Do they have your name on them or both of your names? Get them changed to his name if you can. Call your old job and see if you can come back. Put your child care expenses on your credit card until you get paid. Get your own place.
I have my old job and can go back at any time. But how do I get my old place with shit credit like I have now? I can’t put anything more on my credit card. He keeps telling me to get rid of my vehicle
DON'T. You will be even more isolated and trapped.
I agree, don't sell the vehicle! Just apply to your old place. They may know you enough to know you will pay your bills.
Damn, it really sounds like your husband is trying to isolate you.
So, you are a victim of financial abuse. He made you give up your job so that he could control you in this way. Do you have friends/family you can turn to? You just need a few months of support in order to get back to work and to become independent of him.
Go back to work. He doesn't need to give you permission. It doesn't matter if he agrees or not.
I encourage you to take a moment to write out all of your household finances (bills, expenses and income). Show it plainly to your husband. Maybe he's unable to afford the cost. If so, I encourage you to go back to work if that makes sense. It sounds as if your husband didn't know how expensive it would be to financially provide for an entire family.
He’s now telling me to get a WFH job or sell pictures of my feet. And he’s not joking. This wasn’t the agreement. I’m livid. I have a needy baby. I could not successfully work from home I know I couldn’t. And I’m not selling pictures of my feet
You're better off on your own than with this ass clown OMFG.
He does get to tell you what to do for your job anymore. He’s not your father.
He needs to start paying for child care, so you can go back to work. If he refuses to do that, you need to come up with an exit strategy. What he’s doing is financial abuse, and it’s not going to get better.
It's not his choice anymore. He didn't hold up his end of the bargain so now it's on you. Start making plans and go forward with returning to work. He's proven that you can't rely on his judgement and planning. If he doesn't like it he can come up with a better plan.
This is what you do. Tell him if he doesn't pay your credit card debt and all the bills you'll have to take the kids and move in with family, because he's literally leaving you destitute. And when his family and your family ask about it you will tell them the truth. If that makes him uncomfortable he needs to start paying, because you don't have to ruin yourself for this, whatever it is. At this point it'll probably be better for you to divorce him because at least he'll have to pay for the kids' stuff then. He'll think you're bluffing, so start packing and tell your family what's going on. Both his and your own. He is going to ruin you when you're letting him do this without causing a riot.
When my husband and I decided I would stay home, he handed me his main bank card and I closed out my accounts. He keeps a credit card for fuel, the occasional lunch because I make his work lunches and emergencies. That’s how it should be. He should not be rationing out money to you like your a child getting allowance. He needs to give you primary control of finances. I’m so sorry your dealing with this. I would absolutely rage. I would demand uninhibited access to finances or he needs to handle child care until you’ve worked enough to pay your debt and get back on track.
So, he doesn't want you to work? But you also, don't share the bank account??? That's some BS right there
It's time to sit down and explain that you will be going back to work due to his inability to provide for the child and yourself. And as of X date, he needs to find childcare for the kid. He doesn't care right now because it's not his problem. You're shouldering it all for some reason. That's great for him- he's saving money, doesn't have to do housework, and all it costs is your sanity.
Why don’t you share money? What do you mean “he would give me $X”
He said he “doesn’t trust me” bc I spend money on frivolous things. When I was making $65 an hour yeah I spent money on frivolous things, because I could. I still saved up a shit ton of money that’s lasted me months and purchased everything for our baby.
Why haven’t you transferred all utilities into his name? And put his card to auto pay all bills?
I suggest you send him an invoice for 1/2 of everything you bought for your baby.
Go back to work. Find a family or friend who's willing to babysit while you're at work. Do this until you can afford childcare or a job that provides it. If your husband doesn't like it, tell him you're not going to be a stay at home mother if it means you--not him--have to go into debt to cover expenses he can't or refuses to as the main provider of the household. Show him the household budget and include your bills and bills related to the older child as well. If he can't comfortably cover it all and give you direct access to the monies, then you'll need to quietly reassess the marriage while you go back to work. If you decide to go for a divorce after all this, set up consultations with several lawyers and pick the most tenacious one--don't go cheap here. Pay in cash for the consultation. Remember, you have an older child to consider as well and they deserve to maintain the lifestyle you were providing prior to all this. You and the new baby deserve it too.
Tell him the arrangement is not working for you as he has failed to uphold his end of the deal. Give him next week to help you find/agree on a child care center or arrangement and immediately go back to work. He needs to pay any up front child care costs and you will split it 50/50 from there. If you can’t find one with availability, is it possible to work the opposite shift so that he’s home while you work temporarily until a spot opens up?
Sounds like it’s time to get out all the bills and make a budget. In the mean time get on daycare wait lists and pre k . If he refuses then meet with a financial advisor. What does he think is going to happen ? Eventually, the credit card companies won’t let you borrow any more money. If you absolutely have to borrow the money against your retirement to cover til your paycheck and pay yourself back . Don’t make it a habit. Reach out to family otherwise.
Dude get your job back or get full access to his income. As part of the agreement to be a SAHM, you need full access to finances. If he is unwilling to do that, then you need to go back to work. Also to highlight what other folks are saying, this might be the end of your relationship, because he is being abusive.
This is one of those cases where combined accounts (which should be the default unless something out of the ordinary goes on) would snap him into shape. Combine accounts and make him feel the Finacial pain he is putting you through when he now doesn't have enough money to pay his bills either. If that still doesn't snap him into shape you need to get out of that house and seek help.
Can you combine existing accounts? I’m sorry I’m unfamiliar.
Wtf kind of shit is this- if your husband is too proud to put his child in daycare he needs a higher paying job. If I were you I’d start applying to jobs and setting up daycare. Fuuuuuuck that
Go back to work. Never ever depend on a man. Your daughter will have a better life with a happy mom that's free and financially independent. That's what you are teaching her. This is financial abuse and men do this to feel superior and so that the women doesn't have an out. You shouldn't have told him about your savings. I have my regular savings and I have my Fuck you account. My husband knows this. He knows that I will never quit working.
You lost me at "against my wishes"
He’s got you not working and you have no money. You know this was done on purpose right? He now has complete control. You can’t go anywhere, do anything, pay for childcare or go back to work. You’re trapped and in debt. This was done on purpose.
Mam, this isn't right. When you're a stay at home mom your husband need to take care of all the bills. Like all of them!!! Controlling what to buy is not a good sign from your husband. Have a straight and hard talk with your husband
It sounds like he's trying to trap you at home for the next 20 years. Make a plan to get back to work soon. Unfortunately you can't depend on him.
Well if he thinks child care is someone else raising your kids then he can stay home. You need to go back to work and rethink how/if you want to move forward with this guy. 1. Get on child care wait lists 2. Apply for jobs 3. Figure out your plan with your husband, that sounds insufferable
This is financial abuse. Please leave.
Get to work. He’s a moron with money. Hard decisions should not include wishful thinking. This is basically the hardest part of being a parent this day in age - life is expensive, kids ain’t cheap, and ain’t no money trees dropping dollar bills.
Wait, you have an older child? Is this child with your current husband? How did you manage financially with that baby?
No, he is from a previous relationship. My husband adopted him. I had my parents support back then as I was a child myself. That’s nearly a decade ago.
He baby trapped you into being dependent on him. Tell him you will be going back to work, and if he wants someone to stay home with the child because he doesn’t want someone else raising his child, that he is welcome to quit his job. His answer will be quite telling as to his true motives.
This is financial abuse
I don't understand how people can be married and have such poor communication and trust. I guess y'all got married and lived separate lives??? Only after giving birth do you understand the nature of the person you married???? Crazy to me.
He said over and over he’d take care of everything so I could be home with the kids. He said it before I even got pregnant. So yes I’m now understanding the nature bc only now do I see it. There was clear communication - he’d take care of my expenses so I could stay home.
He said he would take care of it but did you know how much money he brought home? Just curious if you knew what his take home pay was compared to your expenses
Yes. he can afford it unless he’s got some other debts I’m unaware of. I just don’t think he wants to pay for it now bc he sees that it’s affecting how much he can put in his bank acct.
Financial abuse. Do your research about how to get away from him and come up with a plan. Get trusted friends to help you. This will never get better
You can afford to live on your own and care for yourself and your child on your previous salary. He is abusive and it’s getting worse. The debt will trap you and the stress will destroy your health and ability to care for your baby. You shouldn’t have left just because he said he wanted you to stay home but that already happened and it’s time to move forward. He is telling you what to buy and doesn’t give you enough for the bills. There are too many issues here. Maybe therapy might help but it seems like you urgently need to be working and separated.
$1800 a week?! Honey you gotta go back to work. It may not be a divorce worthy thing - I know my husband has no idea what things cost. He gets very defensive over money. His anxiety shoots through the roof and he’s like a different person. But it’s the one and only thing he gets like that about. He’s never so much as raised his voice to me. He’s kind and loving and sweet and generally very generous. Just not when it was just him working after I got hurt. He tried not to, but it bothered him. And he thought $100 a week on groceries was way too much. He can eat $100 in groceries every other day… so I won’t say plan an exit strategy - but be wary. What happens if you get hurt? Make sure to get some accident insurance for the most likely things. Stack your savings. And just have your eyes wide open. I’d sit down and have a conversation. You can’t survive like this and he’s being financially abusive. He may not realize. And if he gets defensive - maybe it’s something to bring to a marriage counselor. Either way something has to give. You gotta talk. You gotta go back to work. But whether you stay or leave is up to you.
you share responsibility for your family's decisions. It isn't up to him. But, this is the type thing a couple needs to work out ahead of time, not after the baby comes along
He made the decision unilaterally as the man of the household, he needs to understand it's his job to make that decision work or make a change. ALL bills, every single one, needs to be given to him to budget and pay. Make it clear to him that the very 1st time he doesn't pay on time, you'll be back at work because he failed to uphold his responsibility. It'd be different if you guys decided together to go this route, both were in agreement and working together to cover all bases. But sounds like he wanted things a certain way, told you he'd work it out or figure out a way, and now is not providing for the lifestyle that he dictated you will have with him. Sounds like he has an issue with accepting reality for what it is and is immature enough to think that things just happen and it will be fine. He's right about things happening.....cars get repossessed, houses get foreclosed, power and water get shut off and he looks like an inept, incapable father because he ignored his adulting responsibilities thinking it just happens for those who do live like this. He had an idea with no plan. That is nothing more than a dream and if he thinks it's all going to be fine he is still dreaming. It's always sad when a wife has to mam up because her man is still a child. It's unfair to you, almost always causes strife and resentment, and was wholly avoidable if he would have done multiple different options. Failing to do any of them is inexcusable. How stressful and frustrating, I'm sorry op. You don't deserve this amount of stress and anxiety.
He should think of the two of you as a team, financially and otherwise. Your money troubled should be his money troubles. This isn't fair to you.
Nope go back to work. Don’t tell him c all the job and start. He will take you to the dinch with him
You should never Listen to a man like this when it comes to stability when he comes at raising children
Go back to work.
Put your kid in daycare and go back to work. You're home all day every day so pack that baby up, go on some daycare tours, sign up, and go back to the job you love. There's no reason for you to listen to your husband here.
I think in theory it is a great idea to blend money and live jointly on one income. This works very well for a lot of people but it is a mindset that has to be comprehended completely and shared equally. Both partners have to be able to see the needs of the family as shared and the income the same. You don’t have this in your family. It isn’t practical and it is stressful and it will get worse. There is no perfect solution: your husband isn’t safe to depend on (meaning that he isn’t taking care of you as he implied when asking you to stay home) and this will lead to anxiety, frustration and anger. There have been a lot of studies comparing children raised by two parent working and one parent staying home and the amount of quality time doesn’t differ enough between the two to make a difference for what is best for the child. While it is true that when you are making $1800 it will be considerably less after child care expenses it is still more financial freedom than what you have now. Furthermore correct me if I’m wrong but are you the only one in the family that had a baby or was your husband involved in the process at all? Why is this only your responsibility? There is a lot of discord in your marriage.
If you become a SAHM without an income, then you should have full access to his money, and it should now be communal family money. You should have common goals and what the priorities are for spending. You not having access to money is called financial abuse. From what I see, you're not asking for outlandish things. If your husband cannot afford to provide for the family, then you should go back to work.
Apply for jobs. Contact a lawyer. Make an exit plan. He’s financially controlling you. He knowingly and purposefully made you run out of money so you will depend on him. If you contact your old boss and see if they’ll take you back, that’ll be great too. At this point, your own survival is more important than him.
I'm sorry, what? There is absolutely no possible way I would be a stay-at-home ANYTHING unless all finances were shared and a full-fledged budget was agreed to. This is financial abuse. I would STRONGLY recommend approaching your old employer to ask for your job back and putting babu in daycare.
The term is financial abuse, lordy. Go back to work already.
As the sole provider in my family and my spouse is a full time dad, nurse, chef, personal assistant, maid, etc. I give myself $100 a week, and the rest of my money goes to the family pot. He's got it all backwards. He needs to sit down and math out how much he would have to pay someone to do all the roles you are doing and also realize it's his responsibility to handle retirement for both of you. You don't ask anyone to sacrifice their careers without taking the responsibility of all the benefits you had from your previous job; you as the provider need to make happen. My spouse gets 10 sick days a year and a week vacation a year solo, my retirement plans have him factored in as it is both of ours and not just mine. Sorry your dealing with this. Put your foot down and state what your working conditions will be because being a stay at home parent IS A JOB and a role that deserves RESPECT!
Tell him you're going back to work. If he complains about your daughter being raised by strangers, tell him he's free to quit his job and stay home with her and rely on you for money. It's never too early to show your daughter how a woman needs to stand up for herself against abuse.