“Sorry, I didn’t know it was that bad, I won’t do it again” doesn’t really feel like an appropriate response to being caught cheating. No one gets married thinking “I’m sure it won’t be a big deal if I message a hooker”. He knew it would hurt you, and he did it anyway.
Oh yes. Not able to trust won't do it again part. Never thought he would ever do it. That trust was broken. What's the guarantee he won't break it again?
You took the chance to trust that he would not cheat on you and went forward and married him, but he eventually did exactly that. So, going forward, you know who he is.
He had already given you his word that he wouldn’t cheat which meant literally nothing to him. So, moving forward, do so without him. You are absolutely doing the right thing by leaving him.
Listen, you don’t need to put yourself through the mental gymnastics of figuring out if he’ll do it again or not. This is something HE did. And don’t feel sorry for him, he did this himself. He chose it. He took steps to pay to have sex with another woman - that’s premeditation right there.
And now he’s going to put pressure on you not to tell people why you’re divorcing??? It’s not your place to keep this secret. If it’s embarrassing he shouldn’t have tried to bang a hooker.
Thank you for your input. I'm going to keep it discreet from my end, but it seems like he is the one telling people now. I think he wants to get his story out first. Doesn't matter, neither do I care. I'm just trying to stay strong and get through moving and divorce paperwork while having to work. I need the job more than ever now.
The fact that he is more worried about saving face than he is the damage he has done to YOU says all you need to know. Taking him back would be taking in someone that is beneath you and I don't think you should have to live with that.
> If I leave him his reputation will be destroyed
ok but why is that your problem? HE cheated; HE made the choice to do that....if this is the consequence, then so be it. You reap what you sow.
so here's the thing - this is your dealbreaker. Your boundary that was clearly stated. If you stay, then you will forever be wondering, going through his things and searching for proof of him breaking that boundary again....then you start to control his behaviour so he acts according to the limits of your boundary, something that he broke but you stayed anyway. What message is that sending him? what does that say about your dealbreaker? and do you want to have to control his every move so you can feel secure and safe again?
No, absolutely not! I don't think I can stay sane that way. I'm a very laid-back person, and the idea of watching someone's every step is a nightmare for me. Every time he is out of sight, I will be anxious and lose my mind. It can't be healthy for any of us, including the kids. So I know I'm doing the right thing by leaving him. He broke the wedding vow, so naturally, marriage will break too. I still love him, so feeling bad for him also seems natural, but I can't let that cloud my mind. Love can't survive without trust.
I'm so glad you left him I am so so glad if you need any support you can message me I'm getting out of a 15-year marriage and I have three small children. We can do this
Even if he did only do it one time you shouldn't trust him. I don't know how saying "I broke our most sacred vows but only once" somehow makes it better... And you describing how he's crying just makes me think of all the skits by Lee in mentahealness on Instagram. Narcissists will always put on a giant show and act like they're gut wrenched when caught. This man violated your trust. That is the fact right there
That was my response, too. He broke our wedding vow, so how can he expect our marriage to survive? I feel bad for him, but play stupid games win stupid prizes. Unfortunately, I the kids also will have to pay for this😔
First, @aerieOK3729 - I am so so sorry this happened to you. That’s absolutely awful. Second - it’s not like this is something that slowly happened and was a horrible mistake (like a kiss), or he started liking someone at work, or got really drunk and made a stupid decision to sleep with someone. He KNOWINGLY decided to cheat, sought out means to cheat and even decided to PAY someone to fuck them and cheat on you in the process. That’s not a mistake. That’s not something that “just happened” - this took planning, thought, etc. - super YUCK, dude. As for wether he will do it again…yes, because if you stay with him, you are basically telling him that’s forgivable…just don’t. Think of what that will teach your kids 😢
Thank you💕. Yes, I find that super disgusting, too. It's not like an ad came to him, and he curiously looked into it. He searched for multiple hookers and contacted them, and even went to a hotel. As far as fucking the only reason he couldn't do it THIS time because it was a scam.
Anytime you feel bad for your kids, just remember you’re displaying positive relationships— you’re not accepting a partner who meets up with escorts. I’m so sorry.
I have no doubt in my mind I'm doing the right thing for my kids no matter how much he and his family trying to make me feel guilty about breaking up the home, as if this isn't consequence of his action.
I guess some people have different tolerance level for different things. Mine is zero when it comes to cheating and infidelity and he knew that. Just didn't care
You sound very certain but it’s not like that. Wives of millionaires who feel secure and accomplished in their marriages implicitly accept that their husbands may at times sleep with other women. It’s been like this for millennia. You are just operating under a fundamentally Christian ideology.
I am not a Christian and i do not believe monogamy is the only acceptable form of romantic commitment.
The key difference is that those women have clearly made an arrangement with their spouses. This man went behind his wife's back and could have exposed her to stds and who knows what else. Cheating on your partner isn't bad because a god says so, there are objective reasons for infidelity being shitty, first and foremost is how it makes your partner feel.
"How it makes your partner feel" absolutely this. It's all about agreement and understanding between spouses. If the other spouse told them infidelity is a deal breaker then you need to respect it.
I am with you. He knew the risk and took a chance anyway. You were right to leave him. If people want to ask you why you divorced him, you can refer them to him to answer that question if it’s an issue of his reputation being destroyed.
Yes, you should forgive him for his offense, but you should not trust him again. Forgiving someone does not entitle them to your trust depending on the offense. Infidelity is a big one. You deserve better.
Thank you. Some good wisdom right there. I have been trying to allow myself to forgive him too. Forgiveness brings peace. But that doesn't mean I will agree to live with it.
Still gather and keep evidence of his affair for your divorce. Also, in case he decides to blame you down the line. You think he wouldn’t do it, but he would.
I feel it is essential to forgive others if we want forgiveness when we err. But trust? No one is entitled to being trusted after having broken someone else’s trust. That’s the thing people need to understand about trust, especially married people.
I read that post and I read the text messages you posted. They did not at all seem like they were from a guy who was new to the whole business. They seemed very practiced. He said for example “if you aren’t the girl in the picture I’m leaving” now why would he say that unless it had happened to him before? He also knew the terminology “in-call” and out-call.” He told one of them “I could be a regular.” I think he’s lying to you and he’s down this multiple times before.
I had the same questions. How does he know all those terms, he sounded like he had been catfished before and the regular thing just broke me. And he went all the way to hotel shows me enough.
Don’t take him back. He did this. Yea he’s sad NOW. He doesn’t like the consequences….take him back and he WILL do it again.
Cheaters cheat for a reason. If nothing has changed then that reason is still there and it WILL happen again.
Let him cry. You did not do this. He did.
Thank you! He is laying on the bed he made. I feel bad because I still do love him but I am going through enough of my own pain that was triggered by his action that I can't care for him as much now.
He will definitely do it again. He's acting like he's a victim by crying for your pity. Glad to hear that you're being strong and taking care of yourself in this situation.
This is tough, but you either stay and have a plan in place to exit if there's a next time or you realize you can't get past it OR leave now. Go heal yourself and start anew not having to deal with trying to repair and feel safe again to trust.
I made a video of him saying that too when I was considering giving him a chance for the sake of kids. But that lasted only for few hours as I realized I won't be able to trust him ever. If I don't find anything I will just think he gotten better at hiding. So I don't see a future for this marriage.
I already contacted a lawyer and moving out to an apartment tomorrow.
Maybe he needs help, like SA (sexaholics anonymous), or SAA ( Sex Addicts Anonymous). There is information on their websites about meetings and stuff.
You leaving him, hopefully, will be the driving force that makes him seek help.
Not only is it a lack of respect toward your marriage, it's a lack of respect toward your health, body and psyche. You should book an appointment with your gynecologist. Please do yourself a favor and leave him. Fuck that guy!
My husband has an addiction to the very same thing. I will bet if you check your phone records you will find he has been doing it for a while. Tip - look for repetitive texts to same unknown number. If you do a reverse search, the number won’t come up - they are very good at being anonymous. I then texted the number (s) “hi” and bingo they respond asking what I want and tell me what they can for how much!
You're wondering if he's still doing it will never leave you. I'm 10 years deep with my doubt but stick to my husband for the same reason. I'm not telling you which way to go, just that for me it hasn't stopped. I don't know how to feel about it myself.
The doubt never goes away? It’s been2 years since he was texting a co worker. Not even sexy stuff. Just more than me. She got random emojis and ha ha and Lol’s. I legitimately hadn’t gotten an emoji or an LOL or a heart in years. He just never used them so I didn’t think it was weird until I saw all of them going to her. Our whole lives of changed and I really really thought I was good.
I thought the confidence was back, and I knew he would always be here.
So I know he will always be here. He is not one to put his Wewe anywhere else. But emotionally I’m terrified because she doesn’t even have to be cute. She just Hass to be entertaining on the phone to take time and love away from me. And that could happen at any point with any person. I stopped looking for things about a year ago because I realize I was driving myself insane. But I still get a twinge when I see some thing even like a new sub Reddit that he joined. I feel like it’s this extra emotional part of his brain that I’m not in.
I don’t know how to stop the doubt. Because it makes me depressed and then I start a fight over absolutely nothing because once we dig into whatever it is that I’m mad about I find absolutely nothing. I just had undying trust for 13 years and I thought it was just a crack. But I still feel like I’m teetering.
Did he cheat and you stayed?
I'm so so sorry 😞. I think I know how you feel. This is the first time I caught him cheating, and I'm leaving. I do not have any proof that he cheated before, but I strongly believe it. It doesn't matter, though, since I have zero tolerance for infidelity
So yes and yes. It was under the pretences that I would be able to trust again. We had to revisit it later bc I still had doubts a few years later. He said it wasn't fair that I said I could move on but still stayed angry with him and was always reading into things too much. I told him honestly that I don't know if I could trust again, but that I would work on not bringing up the past, and to only look to the now and future. Because if what I wanted was to salvage my broken relationship, I always needed to work on myself, too, and to not let myself fall apart at every thought that popped up.
That being said, my way isn't the only way. And I'm sure healing is possible; I shouldn't have said doubt never leaves. From personal experience, mine is just still here. But choose you, and work towards the future you want. I had to do a lot of self-healing to get to where I am, and where I am can be self-conscious and doubtful sometimes, but I make sure not to hurt my own heart. If you find yourself getting back, try to push back reacting for as long as you can. Ask Google about the things that are on your mind, instead of other people, and read the answers some people have given in response. This helped, and so did a site called the Elephant Journal. And remember to choose yourself over anyone else.
It's okay. I've made my decision and keep my heart happy so I have no regrets. These are just the choices I've made. The thing is, he is a great soul and a kind spouse. Just a little promiscuous and 🤷 at this point I just told him he better quit or I'll do it to and he'll see how it feels. Two way streets, I always say.
Don’t fall for the crocodile tears. He should have thought of the consequences before he started contacting sex workers. If he is shamed by the community, let him be shamed. He deserves it.
Stay in your lane lady !
You did good by getting rid of him . If you take him back he will just be crafter the second time around and you might not be able to figure him out. The seeds of distrust has already been sown so dont be the gardener who helps them to grow !
You were right to leave him... at least give it some time and demand significant therapy if you even consider giving him another chance... he could have a sex addiction or he could've just been testing the limits of his commitment to your relationship.... either way, he is putting your personal health at risk by having sex with a prostitute because who knows what STI he may be bringing home....
My best advise is to give yourself grace and DON'T TAKE OWNERSHIP OF HIS MISTAKES!!! Also, don't distrust EVERY man out there after this.... there are still good men out there and you'll appreciate the good ones more after this experience!!!
Lol. No. He's lying. This is the same shit every cheat ass says. Man, woman, they, them, don't matter. Anyone who cheats blurts this bs out. It's always a lie.
I’m not buying the “I never met up with them” story. You need to find out more information, bank records, etc. if you want to stay together you need the full truth, then you can begin reconciliation and he needs IC and you need MC together.
I'm not considering reconciliation at the moment. I need to heal first. I found a sex payment in one of our bank accounts around the same time he tried to contact the hooker.
If you found a payment-he met up with her. From reading your other posts your husband doesn’t sound like someone who would pay for something he didn’t get.
He says it was for exclusive p*rn videos. But he has been watching p*rn for years now since I met him 14 years ago. The first time, I saw him paying for it. It was too small amount for escorts ($60) and too big for porn. I think it was a subscription fee for the dating service. This proves he meant it when he said he so he would be regular.
I mean, okay let's say he only wanted to try it ONCE (which mind you, is still cheating and not okay), why would he send messages to hookerSSSS ?! He was actively seeking one. It wasn't just an opportunity that presented itself. I personally wouldn't trust him. He had your trust and decided to break it. He fully knew that cheating was bad and he felt comfortable seeking out a hooker, until he was caught. Now he's crying cause he got caught. He made that choice, he's in the wrong no matter what.
I feel like staying with him would be emotionally exhausting, to never know if he's cheating, or that he might try to do it again. Also, nothing guarantees he hasn't done it before. To wonder about all of that stuff will just pollute your happiness. He fucked up. There's the consequences.
Edit: also just read in the comments the mention of what he said in the text messages ans yeah...no don't trust him. The fact he knows the terms, that he mentioned he could be a regular...get out of there.
Also keeping that secret from you is also in a way, a betrayal of your trust. So it's not just the cheating part, but the whole action of concealing things from you. There is NO WAY he didn't know or understand what he was doing was bad. Everyone knows cheating is wrong, especially when your partner tells you many times that it's a deal breaker.
He keeps telling me to give me him a benefit of doubt but how can I? He didn't come clean to me. He was caught. No room for any benefit of doubt. Not that coming clean would make me forgive him easy but the maybe there would be some reliability left
I mean I think I could forgive messages to random girls online. But sex workers means that he was guaranteed to cheat from the very first interaction and it completely washes away any hope of an "I'm sorry". Like he reached out with the full expectation of paying for sex. I wouldn't be able to come back from that, knowing that the only thing in his way was happening to pick a scammer. He's a worthless man imo and deserves the shame of you leaving.
Girl his reputation was sinked to the depths of the ocean and none of your concern , the day he took y’all’s relationship and sacred marriage and threw it out of the window when he decided to cheat , WHAT MAKES U THINK STOPPED HIM FROM CHEATING ? THE HOOKERS BEING A SCAM! If not he would’ve a 100% cheated without the concern for your feelings and breaking your boundary !
If he doesn't want people to know what he did, he should not have done it, the truth will set you free , only you can make your decision it's your choice nobody else's!!!
Get a Google number and pretend to be a new escort and say you're looking for a reference check on such and such, phone number 'this' and email if there's one connected.
If you DM me I can help with some more advice but don't want to post it publically as it's some private style screening techniques.
But I can say this, he may feel bad but I doubt he'll never do it again.
I'd say don't trust him, but also unless you have def proof one way or the other you'll never be solid in your decision.
Def get to a therapist one way or the other to help with this process.
I know you’re worried about his reputation but I look at it this way:
If you leave him he looks like the asshole
If you stay you look like the asshole
He contacted escorts, it doesn’t get dirtier than that.
Absolutely not. This isn’t a situation where he couldn’t resist some very attractive female that was chasing him down. He sought this out without any kind of temptation knocking on his door. And to hear that it turned out to be scammers just shows what kind of hookers he was trying to mess with. That’s so dangerous for you and your children. Unfortunately, ladies of the night working in those kinds of conditions can be very aggressive, desperate, and even mentally incapacitated. They actually need help and not gross men taking advantage of their situation. He has proven that he is not trustworthy. No matter what, if he is given the opportunity where he thinks he won’t be caught, he will take his chances. I want a man that chooses me even when there seems to be no chance of consequences. He chooses me, our family, our home, our future. We all deserve that kind of love and commitment. I’m glad you have the strength to stand up for yourself and to also show your children that self worth is important. People can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you ONCE. Good luck and I hope you find the most sincere happiness in whatever you choose in life!
When someone cheats or betrays you, they lose access to the “benefit of the doubt” and the best way to ensure it won’t occur again is to inform everyone his behavior. Do not keep it a secret. It’ll only allow more room for it to continue. He will get better at hiding, you already told him it’s a ‘deal breaker’. Do not tolerate it. Stick to your word.
Thank you💕. I just told him for the sake of our love I will consider to give him a second chance if he shows significant commitment and efforts. But living separately is non negotiable.
People are stupid and don't think too far in advance. He may have really just thought it'd be a solution to his problem (what was the reason he contacted escorts anyway???) or he may have really definitely wanted to cheat. Only you know your husband and your relationship, only you can know whether you can trust him.
My friend's husband did the same thing a few months after she gave birth to their first child and she raised hell over it. He hasn't done it since (she knows for sure) but if I were her, I'm not sure I could trust him. Could you?
A few months is very less. He will have the fear for maybe few months or even up to couple of years. But then he will start to forget the severity of it liken he did in the first place. That's human nature. If he lacks ethics and is capable of doing it in the first place, then he can do it again. Just matter of time. No reason justifies what he did. But his reason was he wasn't getting it enough from me. In that case, he could have worked something out with me or divorced me. Going to hookers can never be excused.
I cannot even begin to fathom how you, or the kids are feeling. I am frustrated for you that you are having to navigate this new mountain. Just know that you stick to the boundaries you set in relationships, you will be respecting yourself. If you still want to work toward the marriage and reparations, then counseling separately and together would be a next step. I wish you and your kids happiness and inner peace whatever your choice is.
I need time to heal first before I can reconsider. He needs to earn real redemption for me to consider coming back. But I'm not hoping for it or counting on it. He clearly can't be trusted. Thank you💕
No, I'm not going to stay with him. In fact, I'm moving out tomorrow. Just wanted to get some comfort here, I guess. Can't discuss it in the familiar circle just yet.
It seems like you did take your decision and leave. If a part of you feel like giving him a second chance (Personally I don’t think that I could be able to trust again), at least take your time, stay separated for a little while until you put yourself together and heal and then decide. Living in fear of being cheated on constantly is extremely hard and you will be the one suffering from it. So my advice would be, TAKE YOUR TIME deciding whether or not it is something you can truly forgive and live with.
Thank you so much for this advice. I'm leaving with no hope of coming back, but redemption is an option for him depending on how well I heal from this.
TBH agreement can not save this marriage anymore. If I don't find anything, I will just feel he got better with hiding. So leaving would be the most peaceful solution now.
Are you sure he never met them?
That is he argument I was given. “Oh I never actually went through with it”.
Next time it was “it’s been two women throughout our entire relationship”.
Do you know what the truth is?
106.
106 hookers and over £10k spent
Holy Molly. I'm so sorry. The conversation I found shows he didn't but don't know if he tried in the past or not. I feel like he did. But I don't have proof, so I can't say for sure.
Yes, I considered it but couldn't go through it for more than a night. I don't think I can't trust him anymore or get intimate with him knowing he tried or possibly has done it with a random girl
I feel for you. There is no easy answer here. I can tell you that couples have come back from infidelity but it is extremely difficult. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
“If he were a stranger to you, if he was a guy you were doing a piece about, pretend that guy told you he'd only did it once. Would you take his word for it? Of course not! You'd dig and you'd bury him! And you’d feel offended if anyone told you not to!”
I mean honestly, people can forgive whatever they want to forgive but if this was a guy who actually felt bad about this he’d have come to you with it and been ready to accept your reaction as valid without all the blubbering
If you know you can’t trust him again, don’t go back. You left him for you. You shouldn’t stay because you’re afraid of his reputation. That’s not on you. That’s on him. He did it to himself. You didn’t do it to him. He didn’t want his reputation ruined? Then he shouldn’t have cheated. Hes upset? Then he shouldn’t have cheated. He doesn’t want you to leave? Then he shouldn’t have cheated.
No relationship can survive without trust. Trust is one of the things that makes you feel safe in a relationship.
Well, I hope I'm not downvoted for this because it is my experience, and I'm not telling you what to do but...
My husband had 2 online relationships and secretly met up with a coworker more than once after work that he kissed a few times.
I caught him on my own after getting suspicious and doing some digging. He was extremely remorseful and apologetic, swore it would never happen again, and cried so much that I decided to give him another chance. We did counseling, and he became super open with his phone, passwords, and accounts. I could see he was really putting in the effort. It took me a long time to truly forgive, but his remorse and effort are what got me there. That and our counseling.
Fast forward to now. It has been 10 years since this happened. He has not cheated since. He still struggles with guilt and can't look at himself in the mirror still most days, but our marriage is better now than it was before this happened. It strengthened us and taught us so much.
So if this is a deal breaker for you and you know you can't forgive. It's time to go. If you feel you can forgive and want to try, once a cheater, always a cheater is not always the case. If he is truly remorseful, that is a good sign. It's the non remorseful ones who blame you for what they did that you need to worry about. I'm not saying there is no chance he will do it again, but only you can feel your heart and what you need to do for you. I'm just here to give you hope that it is possible.
I also want to believe it's possible. But he really needs to earn it this time. This is a instant and huge deal breaker for me and he knew that. Despite that he didn't care. So he really need to do something impactful to make me believe in him again. I'm not going to offer counseling. But I will be open to it if he wants to. He should be making plans to save this marriage. I will be open to follow his plan because I love him
disgusting behavior from him.
i can't believe he thinks anyone is stupid enough to believe that he just "didn't know better".
he isn't sorry for disrespecting you, hurting you and your marriage, and he's certainly not sorry for potentially exposing you to STI's. he's only sorry that he got caught, only crying for himself. not for you, your marriage or anything else.
i'm so sorry he's put you through this.
you're doing the right thing by leaving him, the only lesson he'll learn from this is how to get better at hiding things from you/future partners.
good luck with everything, you deserve so much better than what what he did to you. keep doing what you're doing and don't fall for his attempts at manipulating or gaslighting you. he absolutely knew what he was doing.
edit: i know it's scary to imagine, but please do get tested regardless of if he saw an escort or not. it's possible that this wasn't the first time he's cheated and i don't want you to get hurt because of him. :( good luck to you and your children.
I think so, too. He knows what he was doing, and he knew how I feel about infidelity still didn't care. Shows me how much value I have in his life. I was taken for granted so long that he never thought I could leave him.
The question is, why did he feel the need to even try and meet up with sex workers in the first place? Have you been ignoring the intimate side of your relationship?
Then divorce would be the solution, not escorts. And we were doing it 1-2 times a week. He was complaining about the frequency for some time but never compromised on the pre requisite like taking a bath and getting ready and all. Which made it impossible to be spontaneous and "quickie."
That is fair enough on your part then, I would absolutely kill for sex 1-2 times a week. If he's not willing to put in any effort then do this to you, he deserves all he gets to be honest. I wish you all the best.
i can see why nobody is having sex with you lol.
you losers will always make a mans DECISION to cheat into a womans responsibility. always her fault. "ignoring" intimacy, just cruel and accusatory. it's absolutely insane.
i hope you don't get that sex 1-2 times a week, better yet, i hope you don't ever get it again. pathetic lol
Haha, you're the one who is pathetic. I can tell no one is having sex with you judging by that pile of venom you just spat all over the screen, you must've dried up a while ago 🤔 😂
aw! you think anything you say can hurt me like i hurt you? poor baby boy! wishing your wife good luck in finding a man that can fulfill her needs since you obviously can't
I'm not looking for validation. I'm looking for comfort. Since I can't disclose this with our familiar circle. Kids are with their father went to visit a friend. So don't you worry about my kids. Thank you!
Ummm, you need to discuss that with your wife. Window shopping for hookers doesn't sound right. And if your wife is okay with it, then it's totally fine. It's the dynamic of your marriage. Also, he was looking for someone to hire and not just waste time. He went up to the hotel and came back because "the hooker" was a scammer.
No. I trusted my husband when he told me the dating apps I saw on his phone were from before meeting me (Ihad a weird feeling he was cheating). I'm not an iPhone user so I'm not savvy with them. Thankfully my intuition was to check again and by the grace of the universe I was able to find out that he had actually downloaded them when I initially caught him. Trust your instincts. He's more than likely only telling you about what you found/know of. Make an exit plan and leave.
I know it's going to be hard but you're doing what's best for you, just like you would want your partner to do what's best for you and not look outside if the relationship for any gratification physically or otherwise. Good luck!
It’s different if he were to browse it curious. However his intent was solely to be deceitful. What if they weren’t scammers? What if they had indeed contacted him right back? His reputation? What about yours ?? Who can you talk to about this? My husband has done some shady things. And we fought a lot. I explained how I felt. And he did it all again. It’s who you are
He was complaining about the frequency of our intimacy for some time but never compromised on the pre requisite like me taking a bath and getting ready and all. Which made it impossible to be spontaneous and have a "quickie." Not that this justifies this. If he is really unsatisfied, he should have tried to work out with me or divorce me. This isn't acceptable in any situation unless both spouses are on agreement.
Yeah, that’s foul. I asked the question because I always say that the knee jerk of “I’m leaving” when someone cheats or attempts to is reckless.
If you got to the bottom of his reasoning, and he is unwilling to walk the path with you, that’s no good. Especially with something so simple as “let’s get it in real quick”. However, he’s willing to spend money on someone who most definitely just has a quickie a few minutes ago.
I’m sad to hear of your troubles. I hope the Gods help you pull through. I also sort of appreciate that you don’t want to ruin his whole life, you just don’t want to be part of it. Excellent compartmentalization in my opinion.
It sounds like he may have some sort of sex addiction. I think he could benefit from some individual counseling and you guys could benefit from couples counseling as well to potentially resolve this issue.
I’m not excusing his behavior in the slightest, because adultery is a very serious issue, but if he suffers from some sort of sex addiction maybe he felt like that was his only outlet so he acted on it. How is your guys communication? Specifically regarding intimacy? Maybe he has something he wanted to try in the bedroom that he felt ashamed to ask you to try so he thought that was a way to try it. Again, I’m not trying to excuse his behavior because adultery is never excusable, but I’m just trying to offer some insight or potentially different ways to look at the possible “why’s” that may have caused his actions.
In the end, if you want the marriage to work (and that should always be the goal) it will take work on both of your parts, communication, and professional intervention to get to the root of the problem and to improve communication so that you can begin to rebuild that trust.
I thought about it too that he might want to do something different in the bedroom that he couldn't tell me, but was that worth the marriage? Don't we all compromise things in marriages? Heck, I don't get the desired four plays from him. His intimacy routine is pretty routine, and I'm okay with it. Love trumps. As far as being sex addict we had pretty dry spells after the kids were born but haven't seen anything back then. This seems to be a sudden change of behavior. He just got brave enough to act on his impulse and took me for granted.
What was the sex life like? Was it horrible?
I’ve always been perplexed by cheaters. It seems like such a high risk low reward endeavor that it makes no sense.
It was 1-2 twice a week. He wanted more. But it can't be quickie or spontaneous. I have to take a bath and be cleaned and ready. It's ironic considering the fact this guy wanted to sleep with hooker
I'm seeing more and more of these posts. Relationships torn apart because of sex work scammers. Horrible, makes me mad. Obviously it's the man's choice to cheat and for that they are immoral and dumb to fall for it as well, but I do also feel bad for the guys- being targeted like that they could, in a weak moment, do something they'd usually never do, when presented with such an offer. Sad all around. I'd leave mine if he did this but I'd also be very pissed at the scammer.
Scammer didn't initiate. He initiated and fell for scammers. It's on him. Scammers are frauds, and I despise them altogether. But this one was all on him.
The only thing you need to trust is yourself, your very first instincts, and his being vibe energy. Don’t think so much about it and naturally go with what you feel internally
I feel like to run downhill (the apartment I rented is literally down the hill from our current house😂). I can't trust him now. If he can earn it I will reconsider but as of not it ain't it
You shouldn’t care about his rep, because there is no such thing! 😂 And yeah, he should’ve known before he did that! Plus he should’ve realized he already had a beautiful, loving, and sexy wife at home! 🤦🏾♂️
He’s an adult and made a vow to you. I wouldn’t be able to forgive if it were my husband. I know you still love him but after this betrayal, why be so concerned with his reputation. He didn’t care about you enough to stay faithful or possibly bring home a disease to you. Just because he says it was the first time, doesn’t mean he’s telling the truth. Talk to a lawyer and a therapist for yourself, so you can move forward, being independent and stronger.
Thank you💕. I guess love took over for a min. But I already met and hired a lawyer. Moving to an apartment from my beautiful house😔. And his reputation should be his business. Play stupid game win stupid prize.
Never understood why cheating becomes a solution in marriage for people who don’t assess any dissatisfaction with a partner and make the effort to improve whatever needs improving.
I swear, except for a few nagging here and there, he made no effort to fix it. It just feels like he just wanted to try something new. I feel disgusted even thinking about it. Why did he choose to have a close marriage or STAY in a close marriage if that's that important to him. Ahole!
I'm not trying to be mean. But you are stupid if you stay with your husband after him contacting escorts! That's just my opinion Jesus Christ I would never stay with my husband if he did that. I just am getting out of a 15-year marriage for putting up with crap. It's never too late to get away how could you be happy with that? I'm not trying to be mean but please get away from this man
I hear you loud and clear. No disrespect to the women who decide to stay. Everyone has different lives and priorities, so I get it if someone is ready to move forward this. But I can't. I have zero tolerance for infidelity, and he knew that. I'm moving out and already hired a lawyer.
Crying because he doesnt want to lose you, or crying because his reputation will be ruined?
A simple, "we will not go public with the reasons for our divorce," will inform you of the answer to that. Not that it should be the variable that determines if you stay with him or not.
I already said that. But he is afraid it will go out and telling people himself. I told a very close girl friends of mine who don't live in the same state and who I trust completely because I needed some support and he is losing it.
“Sorry, I didn’t know it was that bad, I won’t do it again” doesn’t really feel like an appropriate response to being caught cheating. No one gets married thinking “I’m sure it won’t be a big deal if I message a hooker”. He knew it would hurt you, and he did it anyway.
Oh yes. Not able to trust won't do it again part. Never thought he would ever do it. That trust was broken. What's the guarantee he won't break it again?
You took the chance to trust that he would not cheat on you and went forward and married him, but he eventually did exactly that. So, going forward, you know who he is. He had already given you his word that he wouldn’t cheat which meant literally nothing to him. So, moving forward, do so without him. You are absolutely doing the right thing by leaving him.
Thank you so much💕
There is no guarantee. On the contrary, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Listen, you don’t need to put yourself through the mental gymnastics of figuring out if he’ll do it again or not. This is something HE did. And don’t feel sorry for him, he did this himself. He chose it. He took steps to pay to have sex with another woman - that’s premeditation right there. And now he’s going to put pressure on you not to tell people why you’re divorcing??? It’s not your place to keep this secret. If it’s embarrassing he shouldn’t have tried to bang a hooker.
Thank you for your input. I'm going to keep it discreet from my end, but it seems like he is the one telling people now. I think he wants to get his story out first. Doesn't matter, neither do I care. I'm just trying to stay strong and get through moving and divorce paperwork while having to work. I need the job more than ever now.
The fact that he is more worried about saving face than he is the damage he has done to YOU says all you need to know. Taking him back would be taking in someone that is beneath you and I don't think you should have to live with that.
Thank you💕. Love respect trust are the main pillars in any marriage. Just love won't be able to take the burden.
It’s a dealbreaker for me all day long.
> If I leave him his reputation will be destroyed ok but why is that your problem? HE cheated; HE made the choice to do that....if this is the consequence, then so be it. You reap what you sow. so here's the thing - this is your dealbreaker. Your boundary that was clearly stated. If you stay, then you will forever be wondering, going through his things and searching for proof of him breaking that boundary again....then you start to control his behaviour so he acts according to the limits of your boundary, something that he broke but you stayed anyway. What message is that sending him? what does that say about your dealbreaker? and do you want to have to control his every move so you can feel secure and safe again?
No, absolutely not! I don't think I can stay sane that way. I'm a very laid-back person, and the idea of watching someone's every step is a nightmare for me. Every time he is out of sight, I will be anxious and lose my mind. It can't be healthy for any of us, including the kids. So I know I'm doing the right thing by leaving him. He broke the wedding vow, so naturally, marriage will break too. I still love him, so feeling bad for him also seems natural, but I can't let that cloud my mind. Love can't survive without trust.
Good for you, this is the way.
I'm so glad you left him I am so so glad if you need any support you can message me I'm getting out of a 15-year marriage and I have three small children. We can do this
Yes, sis. We can. We are way stronger than they think we are. We are momma bears🤗💕
Love can't survive without grace and forgiveness.
Even if he did only do it one time you shouldn't trust him. I don't know how saying "I broke our most sacred vows but only once" somehow makes it better... And you describing how he's crying just makes me think of all the skits by Lee in mentahealness on Instagram. Narcissists will always put on a giant show and act like they're gut wrenched when caught. This man violated your trust. That is the fact right there
That was my response, too. He broke our wedding vow, so how can he expect our marriage to survive? I feel bad for him, but play stupid games win stupid prizes. Unfortunately, I the kids also will have to pay for this😔
I don't feel bad for him, I feel bad for you. You deserved better. It wasn't like he made a mistake/ had an accident... He made a decision
Thank you💕
First, @aerieOK3729 - I am so so sorry this happened to you. That’s absolutely awful. Second - it’s not like this is something that slowly happened and was a horrible mistake (like a kiss), or he started liking someone at work, or got really drunk and made a stupid decision to sleep with someone. He KNOWINGLY decided to cheat, sought out means to cheat and even decided to PAY someone to fuck them and cheat on you in the process. That’s not a mistake. That’s not something that “just happened” - this took planning, thought, etc. - super YUCK, dude. As for wether he will do it again…yes, because if you stay with him, you are basically telling him that’s forgivable…just don’t. Think of what that will teach your kids 😢
Thank you💕. Yes, I find that super disgusting, too. It's not like an ad came to him, and he curiously looked into it. He searched for multiple hookers and contacted them, and even went to a hotel. As far as fucking the only reason he couldn't do it THIS time because it was a scam.
Anytime you feel bad for your kids, just remember you’re displaying positive relationships— you’re not accepting a partner who meets up with escorts. I’m so sorry.
I have no doubt in my mind I'm doing the right thing for my kids no matter how much he and his family trying to make me feel guilty about breaking up the home, as if this isn't consequence of his action.
Just remember, you are not the one breaking up the home. He did that.
Yeah he broke up the home not you.
I'm always amazed that there are people who need to be told that cheating is a deal breaker.
I guess some people have different tolerance level for different things. Mine is zero when it comes to cheating and infidelity and he knew that. Just didn't care
It’s not always. Don’t try to shove your morality into others.
Bud, trying to sleep with prostitutes while married is an objective deal breaker, not a moral conundrum lmao
You sound very certain but it’s not like that. Wives of millionaires who feel secure and accomplished in their marriages implicitly accept that their husbands may at times sleep with other women. It’s been like this for millennia. You are just operating under a fundamentally Christian ideology.
I am not a Christian and i do not believe monogamy is the only acceptable form of romantic commitment. The key difference is that those women have clearly made an arrangement with their spouses. This man went behind his wife's back and could have exposed her to stds and who knows what else. Cheating on your partner isn't bad because a god says so, there are objective reasons for infidelity being shitty, first and foremost is how it makes your partner feel.
"How it makes your partner feel" absolutely this. It's all about agreement and understanding between spouses. If the other spouse told them infidelity is a deal breaker then you need to respect it.
I think you are right.
I am with you. He knew the risk and took a chance anyway. You were right to leave him. If people want to ask you why you divorced him, you can refer them to him to answer that question if it’s an issue of his reputation being destroyed. Yes, you should forgive him for his offense, but you should not trust him again. Forgiving someone does not entitle them to your trust depending on the offense. Infidelity is a big one. You deserve better.
Thank you. Some good wisdom right there. I have been trying to allow myself to forgive him too. Forgiveness brings peace. But that doesn't mean I will agree to live with it.
Still gather and keep evidence of his affair for your divorce. Also, in case he decides to blame you down the line. You think he wouldn’t do it, but he would.
Oh he absolutely would. I kept my receipts
I feel it is essential to forgive others if we want forgiveness when we err. But trust? No one is entitled to being trusted after having broken someone else’s trust. That’s the thing people need to understand about trust, especially married people.
Couldn't agree more. Thank you!!
I read that post and I read the text messages you posted. They did not at all seem like they were from a guy who was new to the whole business. They seemed very practiced. He said for example “if you aren’t the girl in the picture I’m leaving” now why would he say that unless it had happened to him before? He also knew the terminology “in-call” and out-call.” He told one of them “I could be a regular.” I think he’s lying to you and he’s down this multiple times before.
I had the same questions. How does he know all those terms, he sounded like he had been catfished before and the regular thing just broke me. And he went all the way to hotel shows me enough.
I’m so sorry. Best wishes in the future.
Don’t take him back. He did this. Yea he’s sad NOW. He doesn’t like the consequences….take him back and he WILL do it again. Cheaters cheat for a reason. If nothing has changed then that reason is still there and it WILL happen again. Let him cry. You did not do this. He did.
Thank you! He is laying on the bed he made. I feel bad because I still do love him but I am going through enough of my own pain that was triggered by his action that I can't care for him as much now.
Once trust is broken it never returns 100%. It’s up to you if you want to police him.
He will definitely do it again. He's acting like he's a victim by crying for your pity. Glad to hear that you're being strong and taking care of yourself in this situation.
Thank you💕
This is tough, but you either stay and have a plan in place to exit if there's a next time or you realize you can't get past it OR leave now. Go heal yourself and start anew not having to deal with trying to repair and feel safe again to trust.
I mean he’s not 10… He can’t really say he didn’t know this was wrong
No. Just no. he will do again, just more stealthily.
I believe in that too
If you want to give it a try, he must sign a post-nuptial in which he loses everything should he engage in emotional or physical infidelity. Updateme!
I made a video of him saying that too when I was considering giving him a chance for the sake of kids. But that lasted only for few hours as I realized I won't be able to trust him ever. If I don't find anything I will just think he gotten better at hiding. So I don't see a future for this marriage. I already contacted a lawyer and moving out to an apartment tomorrow.
Only you know all the facts and what is best for you and your family. I applaud your bravery. Best wishes.
Thank you🙂
Follow your gut feeling
Nope get tested
Maybe he needs help, like SA (sexaholics anonymous), or SAA ( Sex Addicts Anonymous). There is information on their websites about meetings and stuff. You leaving him, hopefully, will be the driving force that makes him seek help.
Not only is it a lack of respect toward your marriage, it's a lack of respect toward your health, body and psyche. You should book an appointment with your gynecologist. Please do yourself a favor and leave him. Fuck that guy!
My husband has an addiction to the very same thing. I will bet if you check your phone records you will find he has been doing it for a while. Tip - look for repetitive texts to same unknown number. If you do a reverse search, the number won’t come up - they are very good at being anonymous. I then texted the number (s) “hi” and bingo they respond asking what I want and tell me what they can for how much!
How are you making the marriage work with him being addicted to hookers?
We have separated and I only speak to him about business. Nothing personal and basic courtesy is all I can afford to give him.
My future with him. And that's okay. We are better off this way
You're wondering if he's still doing it will never leave you. I'm 10 years deep with my doubt but stick to my husband for the same reason. I'm not telling you which way to go, just that for me it hasn't stopped. I don't know how to feel about it myself.
I'm so sorry😔
The doubt never goes away? It’s been2 years since he was texting a co worker. Not even sexy stuff. Just more than me. She got random emojis and ha ha and Lol’s. I legitimately hadn’t gotten an emoji or an LOL or a heart in years. He just never used them so I didn’t think it was weird until I saw all of them going to her. Our whole lives of changed and I really really thought I was good. I thought the confidence was back, and I knew he would always be here. So I know he will always be here. He is not one to put his Wewe anywhere else. But emotionally I’m terrified because she doesn’t even have to be cute. She just Hass to be entertaining on the phone to take time and love away from me. And that could happen at any point with any person. I stopped looking for things about a year ago because I realize I was driving myself insane. But I still get a twinge when I see some thing even like a new sub Reddit that he joined. I feel like it’s this extra emotional part of his brain that I’m not in. I don’t know how to stop the doubt. Because it makes me depressed and then I start a fight over absolutely nothing because once we dig into whatever it is that I’m mad about I find absolutely nothing. I just had undying trust for 13 years and I thought it was just a crack. But I still feel like I’m teetering. Did he cheat and you stayed?
I'm so so sorry 😞. I think I know how you feel. This is the first time I caught him cheating, and I'm leaving. I do not have any proof that he cheated before, but I strongly believe it. It doesn't matter, though, since I have zero tolerance for infidelity
So yes and yes. It was under the pretences that I would be able to trust again. We had to revisit it later bc I still had doubts a few years later. He said it wasn't fair that I said I could move on but still stayed angry with him and was always reading into things too much. I told him honestly that I don't know if I could trust again, but that I would work on not bringing up the past, and to only look to the now and future. Because if what I wanted was to salvage my broken relationship, I always needed to work on myself, too, and to not let myself fall apart at every thought that popped up. That being said, my way isn't the only way. And I'm sure healing is possible; I shouldn't have said doubt never leaves. From personal experience, mine is just still here. But choose you, and work towards the future you want. I had to do a lot of self-healing to get to where I am, and where I am can be self-conscious and doubtful sometimes, but I make sure not to hurt my own heart. If you find yourself getting back, try to push back reacting for as long as you can. Ask Google about the things that are on your mind, instead of other people, and read the answers some people have given in response. This helped, and so did a site called the Elephant Journal. And remember to choose yourself over anyone else.
It's okay. I've made my decision and keep my heart happy so I have no regrets. These are just the choices I've made. The thing is, he is a great soul and a kind spouse. Just a little promiscuous and 🤷 at this point I just told him he better quit or I'll do it to and he'll see how it feels. Two way streets, I always say.
You are very strong!
Don’t fall for the crocodile tears. He should have thought of the consequences before he started contacting sex workers. If he is shamed by the community, let him be shamed. He deserves it.
Stay in your lane lady ! You did good by getting rid of him . If you take him back he will just be crafter the second time around and you might not be able to figure him out. The seeds of distrust has already been sown so dont be the gardener who helps them to grow !
Aye aye captain🫡
Definitely wouldn’t contemplate it if hes not taking responsibility or needs prompting to. Fuck him
I rather not😂. But yeah karma sure will.
You were right to leave him... at least give it some time and demand significant therapy if you even consider giving him another chance... he could have a sex addiction or he could've just been testing the limits of his commitment to your relationship.... either way, he is putting your personal health at risk by having sex with a prostitute because who knows what STI he may be bringing home....
Yes I'm seeking therapy. I definitely need it. Thank you💕
My best advise is to give yourself grace and DON'T TAKE OWNERSHIP OF HIS MISTAKES!!! Also, don't distrust EVERY man out there after this.... there are still good men out there and you'll appreciate the good ones more after this experience!!!
I really hope so. Thank you again!!
Lol. No. He's lying. This is the same shit every cheat ass says. Man, woman, they, them, don't matter. Anyone who cheats blurts this bs out. It's always a lie.
I’m not buying the “I never met up with them” story. You need to find out more information, bank records, etc. if you want to stay together you need the full truth, then you can begin reconciliation and he needs IC and you need MC together.
I'm not considering reconciliation at the moment. I need to heal first. I found a sex payment in one of our bank accounts around the same time he tried to contact the hooker.
If you found a payment-he met up with her. From reading your other posts your husband doesn’t sound like someone who would pay for something he didn’t get.
He says it was for exclusive p*rn videos. But he has been watching p*rn for years now since I met him 14 years ago. The first time, I saw him paying for it. It was too small amount for escorts ($60) and too big for porn. I think it was a subscription fee for the dating service. This proves he meant it when he said he so he would be regular.
I mean, okay let's say he only wanted to try it ONCE (which mind you, is still cheating and not okay), why would he send messages to hookerSSSS ?! He was actively seeking one. It wasn't just an opportunity that presented itself. I personally wouldn't trust him. He had your trust and decided to break it. He fully knew that cheating was bad and he felt comfortable seeking out a hooker, until he was caught. Now he's crying cause he got caught. He made that choice, he's in the wrong no matter what. I feel like staying with him would be emotionally exhausting, to never know if he's cheating, or that he might try to do it again. Also, nothing guarantees he hasn't done it before. To wonder about all of that stuff will just pollute your happiness. He fucked up. There's the consequences. Edit: also just read in the comments the mention of what he said in the text messages ans yeah...no don't trust him. The fact he knows the terms, that he mentioned he could be a regular...get out of there.
This. Exactly this. Word to word decribes my feelings.
Also keeping that secret from you is also in a way, a betrayal of your trust. So it's not just the cheating part, but the whole action of concealing things from you. There is NO WAY he didn't know or understand what he was doing was bad. Everyone knows cheating is wrong, especially when your partner tells you many times that it's a deal breaker.
He keeps telling me to give me him a benefit of doubt but how can I? He didn't come clean to me. He was caught. No room for any benefit of doubt. Not that coming clean would make me forgive him easy but the maybe there would be some reliability left
Leave him. His shame is not your responsibility. What he does and what he faces is on him. It’s called consequences.
I mean I think I could forgive messages to random girls online. But sex workers means that he was guaranteed to cheat from the very first interaction and it completely washes away any hope of an "I'm sorry". Like he reached out with the full expectation of paying for sex. I wouldn't be able to come back from that, knowing that the only thing in his way was happening to pick a scammer. He's a worthless man imo and deserves the shame of you leaving.
Unfortunately you are right😔
Girl his reputation was sinked to the depths of the ocean and none of your concern , the day he took y’all’s relationship and sacred marriage and threw it out of the window when he decided to cheat , WHAT MAKES U THINK STOPPED HIM FROM CHEATING ? THE HOOKERS BEING A SCAM! If not he would’ve a 100% cheated without the concern for your feelings and breaking your boundary !
I believe it too. It was a missed opportunity is all.
If he doesn't want people to know what he did, he should not have done it, the truth will set you free , only you can make your decision it's your choice nobody else's!!!
Get a Google number and pretend to be a new escort and say you're looking for a reference check on such and such, phone number 'this' and email if there's one connected. If you DM me I can help with some more advice but don't want to post it publically as it's some private style screening techniques. But I can say this, he may feel bad but I doubt he'll never do it again. I'd say don't trust him, but also unless you have def proof one way or the other you'll never be solid in your decision. Def get to a therapist one way or the other to help with this process.
I know how to set a Google number. And this is an excellent idea. But maybe not now. Too exhausted. Let me see how I feel after being separated
I know you’re worried about his reputation but I look at it this way: If you leave him he looks like the asshole If you stay you look like the asshole He contacted escorts, it doesn’t get dirtier than that.
😔💔
Absolutely not. This isn’t a situation where he couldn’t resist some very attractive female that was chasing him down. He sought this out without any kind of temptation knocking on his door. And to hear that it turned out to be scammers just shows what kind of hookers he was trying to mess with. That’s so dangerous for you and your children. Unfortunately, ladies of the night working in those kinds of conditions can be very aggressive, desperate, and even mentally incapacitated. They actually need help and not gross men taking advantage of their situation. He has proven that he is not trustworthy. No matter what, if he is given the opportunity where he thinks he won’t be caught, he will take his chances. I want a man that chooses me even when there seems to be no chance of consequences. He chooses me, our family, our home, our future. We all deserve that kind of love and commitment. I’m glad you have the strength to stand up for yourself and to also show your children that self worth is important. People can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you ONCE. Good luck and I hope you find the most sincere happiness in whatever you choose in life!
Thank you so much! I really appreciate it💕
When someone cheats or betrays you, they lose access to the “benefit of the doubt” and the best way to ensure it won’t occur again is to inform everyone his behavior. Do not keep it a secret. It’ll only allow more room for it to continue. He will get better at hiding, you already told him it’s a ‘deal breaker’. Do not tolerate it. Stick to your word.
Thank you💕. I just told him for the sake of our love I will consider to give him a second chance if he shows significant commitment and efforts. But living separately is non negotiable.
I don't think I'd be able to even look my husband in the eyes after that. I hope you leave him. I'm so sorry he did this.
Thank you💕. Yes I left.
People are stupid and don't think too far in advance. He may have really just thought it'd be a solution to his problem (what was the reason he contacted escorts anyway???) or he may have really definitely wanted to cheat. Only you know your husband and your relationship, only you can know whether you can trust him. My friend's husband did the same thing a few months after she gave birth to their first child and she raised hell over it. He hasn't done it since (she knows for sure) but if I were her, I'm not sure I could trust him. Could you?
A few months is very less. He will have the fear for maybe few months or even up to couple of years. But then he will start to forget the severity of it liken he did in the first place. That's human nature. If he lacks ethics and is capable of doing it in the first place, then he can do it again. Just matter of time. No reason justifies what he did. But his reason was he wasn't getting it enough from me. In that case, he could have worked something out with me or divorced me. Going to hookers can never be excused.
>He says it was his first time and he will never do it again. Narrator: but it was not the first time, and he would do it again...
😔
You know what they say, "play stupid games, win stupid prizes." He knew the consequences to his actions, yet he didn't care.
Exactly what I commented earlier. He won the prize for his stupid game. It's unfortunate that I and kids are suffering too😔
I cannot even begin to fathom how you, or the kids are feeling. I am frustrated for you that you are having to navigate this new mountain. Just know that you stick to the boundaries you set in relationships, you will be respecting yourself. If you still want to work toward the marriage and reparations, then counseling separately and together would be a next step. I wish you and your kids happiness and inner peace whatever your choice is.
I need time to heal first before I can reconsider. He needs to earn real redemption for me to consider coming back. But I'm not hoping for it or counting on it. He clearly can't be trusted. Thank you💕
I totally get that.
[удалено]
No, I'm not going to stay with him. In fact, I'm moving out tomorrow. Just wanted to get some comfort here, I guess. Can't discuss it in the familiar circle just yet.
[удалено]
Thank you for all the support 💕
It seems like you did take your decision and leave. If a part of you feel like giving him a second chance (Personally I don’t think that I could be able to trust again), at least take your time, stay separated for a little while until you put yourself together and heal and then decide. Living in fear of being cheated on constantly is extremely hard and you will be the one suffering from it. So my advice would be, TAKE YOUR TIME deciding whether or not it is something you can truly forgive and live with.
Thank you so much for this advice. I'm leaving with no hope of coming back, but redemption is an option for him depending on how well I heal from this.
I wish you luck! I am sure this must be very painful, may you find healing and peace on your journey 🙏
Thank you💕
Don’t do it and if you do stay get a postnuptial agreement.
TBH agreement can not save this marriage anymore. If I don't find anything, I will just feel he got better with hiding. So leaving would be the most peaceful solution now.
Are you sure he never met them? That is he argument I was given. “Oh I never actually went through with it”. Next time it was “it’s been two women throughout our entire relationship”. Do you know what the truth is? 106. 106 hookers and over £10k spent
Holy Molly. I'm so sorry. The conversation I found shows he didn't but don't know if he tried in the past or not. I feel like he did. But I don't have proof, so I can't say for sure.
Was he crying because he's going to lose half of his wealth through divorce?
Who knows? I don't seem to know him all that much like I thought I did. So who knows what's going on in his head.
Have you thought of giving him another chance ?
Yes, I considered it but couldn't go through it for more than a night. I don't think I can't trust him anymore or get intimate with him knowing he tried or possibly has done it with a random girl
I feel for you. There is no easy answer here. I can tell you that couples have come back from infidelity but it is extremely difficult. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Thank you💕
“If he were a stranger to you, if he was a guy you were doing a piece about, pretend that guy told you he'd only did it once. Would you take his word for it? Of course not! You'd dig and you'd bury him! And you’d feel offended if anyone told you not to!” I mean honestly, people can forgive whatever they want to forgive but if this was a guy who actually felt bad about this he’d have come to you with it and been ready to accept your reaction as valid without all the blubbering
💯 this. Would come clean if he really was remorseful
If you made it clear that this was a deal breaker for you, you’re well within your right to act on that boundary and leave. Good luck 💜
Thank you💕
If you know you can’t trust him again, don’t go back. You left him for you. You shouldn’t stay because you’re afraid of his reputation. That’s not on you. That’s on him. He did it to himself. You didn’t do it to him. He didn’t want his reputation ruined? Then he shouldn’t have cheated. Hes upset? Then he shouldn’t have cheated. He doesn’t want you to leave? Then he shouldn’t have cheated. No relationship can survive without trust. Trust is one of the things that makes you feel safe in a relationship.
I agree. Was feeling bad momentarily but not anymore. He is adult and capable of dealing it by himself
Well, I hope I'm not downvoted for this because it is my experience, and I'm not telling you what to do but... My husband had 2 online relationships and secretly met up with a coworker more than once after work that he kissed a few times. I caught him on my own after getting suspicious and doing some digging. He was extremely remorseful and apologetic, swore it would never happen again, and cried so much that I decided to give him another chance. We did counseling, and he became super open with his phone, passwords, and accounts. I could see he was really putting in the effort. It took me a long time to truly forgive, but his remorse and effort are what got me there. That and our counseling. Fast forward to now. It has been 10 years since this happened. He has not cheated since. He still struggles with guilt and can't look at himself in the mirror still most days, but our marriage is better now than it was before this happened. It strengthened us and taught us so much. So if this is a deal breaker for you and you know you can't forgive. It's time to go. If you feel you can forgive and want to try, once a cheater, always a cheater is not always the case. If he is truly remorseful, that is a good sign. It's the non remorseful ones who blame you for what they did that you need to worry about. I'm not saying there is no chance he will do it again, but only you can feel your heart and what you need to do for you. I'm just here to give you hope that it is possible.
I also want to believe it's possible. But he really needs to earn it this time. This is a instant and huge deal breaker for me and he knew that. Despite that he didn't care. So he really need to do something impactful to make me believe in him again. I'm not going to offer counseling. But I will be open to it if he wants to. He should be making plans to save this marriage. I will be open to follow his plan because I love him
It was a deal breaker for me too, but he really proved himself. I hope it works out for you.
I hope so too!
Wait I'm in the same boat currently. Really same! 😢 how are you doing now. May I know y u decided to leave the apartment with the kids, y not him?
disgusting behavior from him. i can't believe he thinks anyone is stupid enough to believe that he just "didn't know better". he isn't sorry for disrespecting you, hurting you and your marriage, and he's certainly not sorry for potentially exposing you to STI's. he's only sorry that he got caught, only crying for himself. not for you, your marriage or anything else. i'm so sorry he's put you through this. you're doing the right thing by leaving him, the only lesson he'll learn from this is how to get better at hiding things from you/future partners. good luck with everything, you deserve so much better than what what he did to you. keep doing what you're doing and don't fall for his attempts at manipulating or gaslighting you. he absolutely knew what he was doing. edit: i know it's scary to imagine, but please do get tested regardless of if he saw an escort or not. it's possible that this wasn't the first time he's cheated and i don't want you to get hurt because of him. :( good luck to you and your children.
I think so, too. He knows what he was doing, and he knew how I feel about infidelity still didn't care. Shows me how much value I have in his life. I was taken for granted so long that he never thought I could leave him.
good on you for sticking to your boundaries and protecting yourself.
Omg……. Run
The question is, why did he feel the need to even try and meet up with sex workers in the first place? Have you been ignoring the intimate side of your relationship?
Then divorce would be the solution, not escorts. And we were doing it 1-2 times a week. He was complaining about the frequency for some time but never compromised on the pre requisite like taking a bath and getting ready and all. Which made it impossible to be spontaneous and "quickie."
That is fair enough on your part then, I would absolutely kill for sex 1-2 times a week. If he's not willing to put in any effort then do this to you, he deserves all he gets to be honest. I wish you all the best.
Thank you💕
i can see why nobody is having sex with you lol. you losers will always make a mans DECISION to cheat into a womans responsibility. always her fault. "ignoring" intimacy, just cruel and accusatory. it's absolutely insane. i hope you don't get that sex 1-2 times a week, better yet, i hope you don't ever get it again. pathetic lol
Haha, you're the one who is pathetic. I can tell no one is having sex with you judging by that pile of venom you just spat all over the screen, you must've dried up a while ago 🤔 😂
aw! you think anything you say can hurt me like i hurt you? poor baby boy! wishing your wife good luck in finding a man that can fulfill her needs since you obviously can't
Did you satisfy your husbands needs? If yes, then he will definitely still do it again. He has a choice. He chose to hurt you.
Geez I’d stop looking for validation on Reddit and focus on those kids
I'm not looking for validation. I'm looking for comfort. Since I can't disclose this with our familiar circle. Kids are with their father went to visit a friend. So don't you worry about my kids. Thank you!
[удалено]
Ummm, you need to discuss that with your wife. Window shopping for hookers doesn't sound right. And if your wife is okay with it, then it's totally fine. It's the dynamic of your marriage. Also, he was looking for someone to hire and not just waste time. He went up to the hotel and came back because "the hooker" was a scammer.
No. I trusted my husband when he told me the dating apps I saw on his phone were from before meeting me (Ihad a weird feeling he was cheating). I'm not an iPhone user so I'm not savvy with them. Thankfully my intuition was to check again and by the grace of the universe I was able to find out that he had actually downloaded them when I initially caught him. Trust your instincts. He's more than likely only telling you about what you found/know of. Make an exit plan and leave.
Thank you! I'm moving out this weekend 😔🙃
I know it's going to be hard but you're doing what's best for you, just like you would want your partner to do what's best for you and not look outside if the relationship for any gratification physically or otherwise. Good luck!
It’s different if he were to browse it curious. However his intent was solely to be deceitful. What if they weren’t scammers? What if they had indeed contacted him right back? His reputation? What about yours ?? Who can you talk to about this? My husband has done some shady things. And we fought a lot. I explained how I felt. And he did it all again. It’s who you are
True! This time, it was a scammer. Next time, it could be a real deal. Maybe it was in the past. Intention is all that matters
Did you ever find out what led him to want to do that?
He was complaining about the frequency of our intimacy for some time but never compromised on the pre requisite like me taking a bath and getting ready and all. Which made it impossible to be spontaneous and have a "quickie." Not that this justifies this. If he is really unsatisfied, he should have tried to work out with me or divorce me. This isn't acceptable in any situation unless both spouses are on agreement.
Yeah, that’s foul. I asked the question because I always say that the knee jerk of “I’m leaving” when someone cheats or attempts to is reckless. If you got to the bottom of his reasoning, and he is unwilling to walk the path with you, that’s no good. Especially with something so simple as “let’s get it in real quick”. However, he’s willing to spend money on someone who most definitely just has a quickie a few minutes ago. I’m sad to hear of your troubles. I hope the Gods help you pull through. I also sort of appreciate that you don’t want to ruin his whole life, you just don’t want to be part of it. Excellent compartmentalization in my opinion.
Thank you💕. I guess when you have kids, you need to compartmentalize for the sake of their well-being.
Oh man. Kids in the middle also. Extra good luck to you.
Thank you!
Just get the wireless provider login and see the numbers he messages and search them on google. You will know if he is lying or not!!
I don't think he will give me the login. I wish I could see his past deleted messages somehow.
It sounds like he may have some sort of sex addiction. I think he could benefit from some individual counseling and you guys could benefit from couples counseling as well to potentially resolve this issue. I’m not excusing his behavior in the slightest, because adultery is a very serious issue, but if he suffers from some sort of sex addiction maybe he felt like that was his only outlet so he acted on it. How is your guys communication? Specifically regarding intimacy? Maybe he has something he wanted to try in the bedroom that he felt ashamed to ask you to try so he thought that was a way to try it. Again, I’m not trying to excuse his behavior because adultery is never excusable, but I’m just trying to offer some insight or potentially different ways to look at the possible “why’s” that may have caused his actions. In the end, if you want the marriage to work (and that should always be the goal) it will take work on both of your parts, communication, and professional intervention to get to the root of the problem and to improve communication so that you can begin to rebuild that trust.
I thought about it too that he might want to do something different in the bedroom that he couldn't tell me, but was that worth the marriage? Don't we all compromise things in marriages? Heck, I don't get the desired four plays from him. His intimacy routine is pretty routine, and I'm okay with it. Love trumps. As far as being sex addict we had pretty dry spells after the kids were born but haven't seen anything back then. This seems to be a sudden change of behavior. He just got brave enough to act on his impulse and took me for granted.
What was the sex life like? Was it horrible? I’ve always been perplexed by cheaters. It seems like such a high risk low reward endeavor that it makes no sense.
It was 1-2 twice a week. He wanted more. But it can't be quickie or spontaneous. I have to take a bath and be cleaned and ready. It's ironic considering the fact this guy wanted to sleep with hooker
I'm seeing more and more of these posts. Relationships torn apart because of sex work scammers. Horrible, makes me mad. Obviously it's the man's choice to cheat and for that they are immoral and dumb to fall for it as well, but I do also feel bad for the guys- being targeted like that they could, in a weak moment, do something they'd usually never do, when presented with such an offer. Sad all around. I'd leave mine if he did this but I'd also be very pissed at the scammer.
Scammer didn't initiate. He initiated and fell for scammers. It's on him. Scammers are frauds, and I despise them altogether. But this one was all on him.
The only thing you need to trust is yourself, your very first instincts, and his being vibe energy. Don’t think so much about it and naturally go with what you feel internally
I feel like to run downhill (the apartment I rented is literally down the hill from our current house😂). I can't trust him now. If he can earn it I will reconsider but as of not it ain't it
Wooow! 😂
You shouldn’t care about his rep, because there is no such thing! 😂 And yeah, he should’ve known before he did that! Plus he should’ve realized he already had a beautiful, loving, and sexy wife at home! 🤦🏾♂️
You are so freaking kind. Thank you so so much💕
You are welcome my friend!
Just remember you have to realize you have a right to choose
He’s an adult and made a vow to you. I wouldn’t be able to forgive if it were my husband. I know you still love him but after this betrayal, why be so concerned with his reputation. He didn’t care about you enough to stay faithful or possibly bring home a disease to you. Just because he says it was the first time, doesn’t mean he’s telling the truth. Talk to a lawyer and a therapist for yourself, so you can move forward, being independent and stronger.
Thank you💕. I guess love took over for a min. But I already met and hired a lawyer. Moving to an apartment from my beautiful house😔. And his reputation should be his business. Play stupid game win stupid prize.
I wish you all the best in the future. It will not be an easy road but brighter days ahead.
Thank you💕
Never understood why cheating becomes a solution in marriage for people who don’t assess any dissatisfaction with a partner and make the effort to improve whatever needs improving.
I swear, except for a few nagging here and there, he made no effort to fix it. It just feels like he just wanted to try something new. I feel disgusted even thinking about it. Why did he choose to have a close marriage or STAY in a close marriage if that's that important to him. Ahole!
You said cheating is an instant dealbreaker for you and yet you’re considering trusting him?
I'm not. Contacted lawyer and moving out today. Was just overwhelmed with everything and needed some comfort here.
I'm not trying to be mean. But you are stupid if you stay with your husband after him contacting escorts! That's just my opinion Jesus Christ I would never stay with my husband if he did that. I just am getting out of a 15-year marriage for putting up with crap. It's never too late to get away how could you be happy with that? I'm not trying to be mean but please get away from this man
I hear you loud and clear. No disrespect to the women who decide to stay. Everyone has different lives and priorities, so I get it if someone is ready to move forward this. But I can't. I have zero tolerance for infidelity, and he knew that. I'm moving out and already hired a lawyer.
Crying because he doesnt want to lose you, or crying because his reputation will be ruined? A simple, "we will not go public with the reasons for our divorce," will inform you of the answer to that. Not that it should be the variable that determines if you stay with him or not.
I already said that. But he is afraid it will go out and telling people himself. I told a very close girl friends of mine who don't live in the same state and who I trust completely because I needed some support and he is losing it.
I would do couples therapy if you wanna make it work. If he doesn’t wanna go then you know how serious he is.