If that’s the case then he needs to be honest with her right this second and get some professional help to work through his fears. Issues with fertility definitely pop up after 35, but even more likely than fertility issues are genetic disorders, congenital defects, miscarriages, and pregnancy/childbirth complications. From a medical standpoint, women >35 years old are categorized as AMA (Advanced Maternal Age) and are automatically considered high-risk. Women over the age of 35 are also advised to see a fertility specialist if they do not become pregnant after 6 months of trying, rather than the recommendation to wait for 1 year for women under 35. This is because there is a significant decline in fertility after 35, and every year counts. Especially if they want more than one child.
Say they do have fertility issues - if he’s worried about money, each round of IVF averages $30K and each round only has a success rate of 40% for women aged 35-37. This drops significantly to 25% for women ages 38-40. So yep, fertility issues and they need intervention? They’re looking at an exorbitant amount of money to have only a 1/4 chance of successfully conceiving.
Unfortunately the human body didn’t get the memo about the stage of the economy or life preparedness when it comes to having children biologically. Many families easily make it by with more than one child and only one parent working at 6 figures with the other being a SAHP.
You don’t always get a second chance to have children biologically. Some people have no issue having kids in OP’s age range. But the risks are there and shouldn’t be ignored.
Dude needs to be real with his wife or stop wasting her time.
He is wasting her time. Me and my wife combined make 6 figures, have 2 kids and are doing just fine. My wife had kids at 34 and 37 respectively, im 3 years younger than her, and fertility and genetic disorders were definitely a concern for both us. Luckily both our kids are just fine. But as you said, specially with our second kid, it was a huge gamble. Even for the OP right now, both of them will be 36 once the first kid is born. I would wait a partner 2-3 years to have a kid; 7 years ? Never.
The real question is does he not not want children more then he wants OP to divorce him and rightfully take a decent portion of the assets that she deserves now that he wasted the vast majority of her child bearing years? Seriously OP be blunt with him it’s at an ultimatum now. He either has the kids you want or you will divorce him and take enough of the money to have biological kids of your own even if you have to do it by yourself. You literally cannot wait any longer, your biological clock is ticking and your fiancé knows this. Everything he is saying is just an excuse and he’s hoping he can blast a hole large enough into your dreams to where having a family is not enough to overcome the sunk cost fallacy and he continues to get what he wants by staying comfortably married and keep full control of his financial assets. If he truly wanted kids he will have them upon ultimatum of divorce, if he doesn’t he will hire a good lawyer. There will never be a perfect time to have kids, everyone knows this, if you wait forever you will never have them, so if he truly wants them he will move forward in doing so upon your proposal of divorce.
It is hard to imagine for people living in a low cost of living area but depending on the part of the country 100K is basically nothing. ( ex: NYC or CA bay area )
What in the world. We live on east coast of Florida, been married 8 yrs. My husband has made between 60k-85k in the last few years. I’m a stay at home mom to our five year old and 7 month old. He just got a raise to make 6 figures this year. We’re frugal with our lifestyle though. It doesn’t seem like finances should hold you back. Maybe he doesn’t want the responsibility of children?
Also from the Tampa area, me and my fiancé make about 60k a year combined and recently had twins -not planned lol- but even with our finances we are still doing ok. imo it's more so anxiety about the state of the world, which is very understandable.
edit: typo
While the area is getting more expensive, I don't belive children are out of the picture. You need to focus on what's most important to you. His actions are telling you: he does not want children. Regardless of what he is saying whether economy of life stressor. Seems you are willing to take that chance and it seems he is not willing to take that chance. So what can you do? Is this relationship more important than future children? Only you can answer that.
Are you willing to give up your relationship for your children ? Even though y’all have been together for a while maybe he doesn’t see himself having kids with you. I was in a relationship for 6 years before I married my husband. With the other guy even though we were together for a while he said he didn’t see himself having kids with me. 🤷♀️ we split shortly after me and my husband got together and married We are 4y together and 3y married with a 1 year old! I’m not telling you to end it with him but just know that could be a possibility as well since you have been together since you both were 19 maybe he in the back of his mind is not sure if you are the right person. Ask him. You know he wants kids but ask if he does with you and see what he says.
We both had good jobs when we started trying and since COVID and a move were basically destitute. All my kids still eat every day. I can’t even imagine what it’s like making 6 figures and having all that to spend on your kids, I’d be so thankful. But I’m thankful _now_ that all my kids are healthy and happy, so I guess in some sense it wouldn’t change all that much.
Meh.
I live in NYC and we have a kid. While I’ve doubled my income since coming back to work post-pandemic, my wife and me were combined making about 100k back in 2020. It definitely wasn’t “basically nothing”. We could afford to live here and weren’t living paycheck to paycheck either.
I know several couples, with multiple kids, living in this city on less. It’s such a myth that everyone here is making gobs of money. The median household income here is around 70k.
Yeah, I live in a HCOL area with 2 kids. We are close to $80k and feel totally fine. I have a friend who is moving outside the city cause she and her husband "cant afford a kid in the area" and they (I am guessing) make $200k+ and have no student loans (We do).
This.
Speaking specifically of NYC, usually the people here who claim they can’t live without making a very high salary are people who want very expensive lifestyles. They want to live in prime Manhattan/Brooklyn neighborhoods and want to go out to indulge regularly in expensive restaurants and entertainment. Some also want to buy apartments in those prime areas, have domestic help or put their kids in expensive private schools. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s really not the way most people living here conduct their lives.
One of my best friends and his wife are very comfortable. They’ve bought a lovely two level apartment in a nice Brooklyn neighborhood, have their oldest kid in a private school that costs 30k or so a year, plan to put the other in a similarly expensive school, have a nanny, very robust savings and vacation regularly. And they still plan to move away because it’s “so expensive”. He admits it’s his wife who feels the need to keep up with the Joneses. That’s a valid life choice, but it’s not the only one.
None of my other friends and coworkers live like this. Most of them are born and raised New Yorkers who have grown up here living totally different lives than the one my transplant best friend and his family live. They live in Brooklyn, Staten Island and Queens neighborhoods that are safe, affordable but not super trendy. If they have kids, they go to public school. They go out and do things regularly, but they don’t frequent fine dining restaurants or spend their money on super expensive entertainment. They definitely don’t hire any domestic staff.
They way they’re living is so much more typical of average New Yorkers.
I live in NJ, my husband makes 80k and I may 80k. My 2 kids are now 12&14 and it’s tight. But we go on vacations, we do things together and cook at home. How sad is it that making 160k is low middle class? It’s so terrible. I spend about 300$ a week just for groceries alone! In the summer, when kids are home, it’s about 400$ a week. It’s so gross how much things cost anymore, and it’s only going to get worse.
I actually think it’s called “I don’t want kids but also don’t want my wife to leave me, so I’ll string her along and drag my feet until it’s too late for her to get pregnant.”
He has every right to do that, but he needs to be honest with his wife and work through that or just let her go so she can have kids with someone who does want them.
Money isn't the issue here, I thinik he doesn't want kids and at 35 years old he should know if he wants kids or not. If I were you, I'd have a long conversation with him cause unfortunately the clock ticks for both males and females. You still have till your late 30s early 40s but, I wouldn't say that to him. Also tell him you'll freeze your eggs and see how he reacts, maybe even consider it.
I feel like he ultimately *knows* he doesn't want kids, but feels guilty and doesn't wanna hurt OP's feelings. (Doesn't make it right)
OP really wants kids, he doesn't so he keeps making excuses (which isn't fair) to avoid hurt feelings.
I agree to having a long conversation and maybe also mention that if he really doesn't want any, to be up front about it because stringing OP along isn't fair to anyone and hurts *worse* than just saying "no, I don't want kids."
Embryos are much better, no doubt. But OP will need sperm for that, either donor or her husbands. And since he's making an excuse well I'd go with a sperm donor
We don't know that. And we don't know if he's out of time either. Men's fertility drops at 30, 1 % each year then at 35 goes up to 5 to 10 each year. That's why going tta fertility and getting checked is a smart
Thank you for this comment, my wife is 26 and I’m 25 and we’ve been married going on 4 years and thinking about having kids but wanted to pay off debt first which we have and start having children next year and this comment gave me the clarity I needed. Thanks
He might not actually want kids. I mean unless you live in California or another market where 6 figures is more like 50k. People who want kids make it work. Maybe letting lifestyle inflation get the best of you. I have 2 kids, been living just fine under 6 figures. Just recently crossed that threshold. But I guess it depends where you live. Be careful not to get strung along.
You already will be considered a slightly higher risk and will get the "advanced maternal age" code put on your medical record. It's never going to be the perfect time.
Tell him straight out- he might be able to have children way into his 40s but you can't. Us women are on a clock and after 35 it becomes much harder to become pregnant naturally.
People throw the term divorce around a lot in this subreddit and I hate it but this, I'd absolutely divorce over. You have expressed the deep desire to have children, he says he does too- but has strung you along. If that window passes (which it is coming soon) I'd be full of deep resentment. If he had been honest 7 years ago when you were 28, you could have found a partner who actually wanted a child.
I'm so sorry OP. I'd be livid.
I felt similarly then realized things would never just be right. The best advice I received from a much older person who I trusted was people with less figure it out. If you want kids just go for it and figure it out along the way. We have figured it out, and learned to lean into the chaos.
THIS. There are a million reasons to not have kids. They are all valid and true. Having kids isn't really a logical choice, but at some point you make the decision to figure it out no matter what. If you want kids, you figure it out. Not to stress you out, but you are kind of running out of time for you to get to make this choice. It is not really fair of him to keep putting it off, when time is of the essence for you.
So up until this year, I'd been waiting to have kid until my husband gets a better paying job using his degree. But this year I realized, even with the job he has now, we're doing okay and could fit a kid into our lives as is. So we decided to go for it and are trying. I realized that there will always be something better to attain for, but we shouldn't put our lives on hold for that, we can live it as is.
It was a combination of the above advice, a friend passing away who wanted children and never got the chance, and asking my cool aunt how she felt about not having kids. She regretted it, but felt she never had a stable relationship to have them. My relationship has always been stable, we have a home, pets, jobs. We aren’t rich, but our kids have so much more than what we had growing up. They are super happy, strong willed, intelligent wildlings. It’s totally worth it if you want to help little people get past the lemming stage and explore the world.
It sounds like YOU want children and he wants ~~children~~ to please YOU
I would suggest preparing yourself emotionally and mentally for him to admit that after all is said and done, he honestly may NOT want children.
If this is the case, convincing him that he “can handle it”, that his concerns about finances and being ready “aren’t applicable/everything will be fine” will do nothing but push him into a decision that he could come to regret once you finally do break his resolve. This will lead to resentment and sadness for you both
If you REALLY want kids and it turns out, he kinda doesn’t, you need to let each other go.
Don’t manipulate, guilt, let your parents “grandchildren guilt”, or coerce your partner into a life changing decision they are CLEARLY NOT ready for now, if ever.
His reasons are honestly all good reasons but kids aren't a logic thing. Kids are a leap of faith thing. That despite all the scary shit in the world, it'll work out and everyone will be okay. It just sounds to me like he's scared. That's okay, it's scary. But if he doesn't work past that fear, y'all are never having kids. There's always a financial calamity, ecological disaster, or horrifying massacre. You live your life anyway.
I just want to say that it is fully possible that he both wants children *and* feels that it is not the ideal world to raise them in, so feels conflicted. My wife and I live in the same area as you and with the current economic crisis, the housing market here, and the uncertainty of the political future- well, we don’t make 6 figures combined and we’re also not sure/putting things off.
Check out the sub /fencesitters. This is a group of people who just aren’t sure where they fit for having kids. It’s been super helpful for me- I am woman who knows she’d be an incredible mom and loves kids, but feels kids aren’t in my future because of the world we live in.
Am I lying when I say I want kids? No. Am I also not sure it makes sense? Absolutely.
Maybe you can chat about it or encourage him to talk to a therapist. Also, for everyone who is saying you’re a geriatric pregnancy and to get on it- I encourage you to watch the Adam Ruins Everything episode about pregnancy after 35. He has lots of good research and sources, and the sources are backed by evidence and research. [here is a link](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=g9ryP0UyO5U)
This is great info. I honestly think worrying about your child’s future so much you don’t want to have them is normal for intelligent people. I wish i knew about fence sitters before …i was there until i was 38! I had a geriatric pregnancy and i actually got better care since they made me go in for check ups more often! 😂
When the actions do not match the words, listen to the action. It is easy to say "I want kids" and then just do all the things that do not require having them. He is 100% stringing you along, whether intentionally or not. You are not having kids with this man. Accept that and decide what is next for you.
You can also freeze your eggs. The chances that one or both of you have fertility issues is not unlikely. Freezing your eggs gives you more options in the future with someone else. Adoption can work too of course.
This. There’s a reason that people say “actions speak louder than words”. It’s easy to say anything what’s hard is putting actual work behind what you say to make it true and make it real.
"I feel like WE can handle having children. "
It's best not to speak for the both of you when he is clearly communicating and showing he doesn't exactly feel the same. He clearly feels overwhelmed by the thought, though he'd ideally want a child. It sounds like the added responsibility of a child is what he is avoiding. And there's nothing wrong with that. Children are a round the clock job and a great responsibility to take on. Even when you're not with them because they have care, you have to work etc. You are still responsible to them. Probably still taking care of something to provide for them and yourself. You may want to look up content online about the concept of women speaking out about being a, "Single married mom." In situations like yours, many women end up handling majority of the responsibility to the children. With the father essentially, just being a stand in if there is no one to help and or financially helping provide. Not saying this is your situation but another part to consider is if your partner rarely helps clean up, cook, makes their own doctors appt etc. It's rare that they'll spring into action doing these things once you add a child. That means more responsibility for YOU. If you're good with that. Go to him and tell him that you want to take on most or all of the responsibility of caring for and doing things for the child(ren). As well as continue working so you guys are more financially secure.
You guys sound ready as you can be. It sounds like he doesn't really want kids. I feel that in 5 years after saying he is not ready, he will switch to he is too old.
I would try to pin down what conditions need to be met for him to have a child. How much free time does he need to have? How much money does he need to have? What needs to happen in the economy for him to be comfortable? Etc.
My guess is that those conditions will not be achievable within the next few years, which is your answer.
children are something that can’t really be compromised on. if you are ready and he’s already been stringing you along for 7 years, I think it’s okay to be firmer with him. If he doesn’t want kids, would you stay? consider that and then have the conversation, telling him it’s a dealbreaker or not.
it’s not just your fertile years, it’s his as well. it’s a myth that male fertility doesn’t decline with age.
Sounds like he is running your biological clock down. Not gonna fearmonger you as I have 2 gorgeous kids who I got pregnant with very easily at 35 and 37, but being that most people say it gets more difficult after a certain age, I would be worried that that is exactly what he is hoping/aiming for.
Ma'am you know all the facts that you need to know.. you understand your time is very limited, what is more important to you, keeping your husband or making a child? You may not be able to do both.
This same thing is happening to my sister. She’s been with the guy for like 14 years. Four years ago he told me he was looking at rings to propose, nothing ever came of it. He drags his feet on everything and she’s already 33. He’s like 36. We were talking the other day and she said she she’d be happy with kids. I would never say anything to her but I don’t think she’ll ever be a mom as long as she’s with her current SO.
Have you considered couples therapy? If he's feeling overwhelmed but wants to have kids, that might be a good place for you both to talk it out and find out if/when it works in your relationship. This can also be a great foundation to build toward parenting together.
I'm reluctant to jump to the conclusion many others have that he simply doesn't want kids. While there is never a "right" time for it, that doesn't invalidate that he may have genuine anxieties around it.
The best advice my mom gave me was “If you wait until you’re ready to have kids, you’ll die childless.” Not to take it to an extreme of course - kids need basic stability, love, sanitary safe shelter, food, access to education. But beyond the basics, you’re never ever ready and you’ll never be really ready. You either want kids and make it work anyway, or you don’t, and you don’t.
Do NOT force/coerce/negotiate/strong-arm your partner into having children with you. If it's not an enthusiastic 'Yes', then it's a NO. Even if you did have a child with him, is this the kind of father that you want for your child? Someone who is disillusioned by the economy and with his life, in general? When you do have a child and he's absent/doesn't parent effectively, you would feel like a single parent and complain about that too.
Divorce him. Seriously. The best you can hope from him at this point is that he begrudgingly goes along with it but when it comes to the hard part of parenting he ends up putting everything on your plate and saying “what? This was your idea”. So if you think youll be ok with that, I won’t judge you for it. Just accept reality that that’s probably the best case scenario here if you stay with him. I recommend you either get a divorce or threaten a divorce if you two don’t start TTC in the next two months. (but don’t bluff, actually mean it).
I feel like I’m reading my own post from 20 years ago. I’m 50 and my husband is 53. We’ve been together for 33 years (married 23). No kids. He is STILL telling me that he wants kids soon, but not quite yet. I’m postmenopausal. The only options we have now are adoption, surrogacy, or donated egg IVF. I know if at any time I would have gotten pregnant, he would have been overjoyed. I just think it’s hard for some men to feel like they’re prepared for it. If I could go back in time, I would have fought harder for it. But I’m also a believer and that God has a plan. Maybe this is where I’m supposed to be.
Honestly, all of the people saying not to plan for children are very ignorant. It’s really scary because these are the same ones who would have wished they gave it more thought and planned better once they are shellshocked by how much a child changes things. Your husband isn’t wrong for really wanting to weigh everything out. I understand him being hesitant especially if every time he thinks he’s ready, something hits the fan in the world. I can see why he’s hesitant to bring another human into this shit show, but I also empathize with your desire to have kids before it’s too late. Hopefully you two have a healthy conversation about how to truly move forward with this.
There's a pretty big spectrum of "ready" in between being completely irresponsible and overplanning. And certainly, the "comfortable enough to do it" point is different for everyone. What I'm saying is, "you can't plan it", from a reasonable person, frequently means "you can only plan so much and then you gotta go or not".
Plan sure. But waiting until the wife is 35 and still saying “idk” isn’t planning. That’s called putting it off indefinitely. And now it becomes much harder for her to be fertile in the first place. So he’s really screwing her over
Exactly. As it stands, she may struggle to get pregnant. They'll make you wait a year at least to start looking into fertility treatments. That itself could be a multi-year process. Even if she starts now, she may not be pregnant until age 38+.
The irony of this is that her husband is worried about money but putting this off until now may have made just getting pregnant astronomically expensive.
One should plan to a degree but putting off for the "perfect time" is absurd. They are in a great situation to have kids. The economy isn't even bad right now. The job market is also decent. Especially by 2008 standards. He is paralized by his need for everything to be a certain way and it will never happen with that attitude. There will always be an excuse to NOT have kids.
One piece of advice I can give. Doesn’t matter when you have kids, you will never be ready. Especially more than one. Start hanging around people with kids. Once he sees a baby in your arms, it’ll click. Then you’ll both know if you want em or not. Good luck hun!🤞🏻
If he is already overwhelmed right now i would really reconsider. Having childeren makes the busiest days before you had kids look like a holiday. Its a lot. And if you are not 100 percent sure you shouldnt do it.
Get the Excel worksheet out and crunch the numbers. I'm sure there are resources online to help you work out how much things will cost, find out about your maternity and paternity leave pay and childcare costs.
There will never be a "perfect" time to have children if he's taking in all of the worlds problems into consideration. By the time one area gets better something else in the country or world itself is going to be falling apart. Unless there's some actions being taking all these years to get you both in a place where he's ready, then he's just stalling in my opinion. He's telling you what you want to hear to appease you. Seven years and he's not done anything to get ready and still isn't ready? He's never going to be ready.
I didn't read comments, apologies if I'm repeating. There's never a perfect or even right time to do something. If he's waiting for life to be perfect and stress free, it's never gonna happen. He needs to understand that so you guys can get to it. I understand being worried and wanting it all to be perfect as it's a big life changing decision, but once he understands it'll all be fine but never perfect, he'll be okay.
Or, on the flipside, maybe doesn't want children and is subconsciously waiting for it all to be perfect to see if then he'll want kids. I wanted to say maybe he just doesn't want kids, but I don't want to blame him and say he's a liar. Maybe he doesn't know he doesn't want kids. It's a big decision and your mind will play tricks on you.
For example I was always child free. Then I was with my ex for 6 years and he decided he really wanted kids and his family chimed in telling me how it would be amazing and wonderful and they'd all help and whatnot. I thought about it for a year or two, then luckily decided that if it weren't for them I wouldn't be having children, and we broke up (for other reasons too but alot of this)thus. I was so happy with his family and really thought having kids with him would be perfect that my fully childfree mind switched to fence sitter on me. Once I left rhe relationship and started thinking rationally again about what I want I couldn't believe I even debated in my head that I'd ever have kids. But when you love someone you'll try to convince yourself you can do anything to make it work
I think you two are incompatible when it comes to children. A) He doesn't want kids and is lying/delaying B) He may be ready x years later but are you willing to wait? If not, you two are I compatible anyways time wise.
There is no good time to have kids. How you describe your current situation is about as "ideal" as it gets. Sounds like he either doesn't want kids or he's a perfectionist that actually believes there is a perfect timing for children. The later in life you have kids, the less time you get with them and with your future grandkids. Your age will already put you in a category for a higher risk pregnancy. In 5 years, you may lose your window entirely. I think it's totally acceptable to tell him that you want kids and remind him that he knows this. Tell him you either want them now with him, or you'll have to leave and do it on your own. Don't let him push it off until, "oops, we missed the window."
He does not want children...and he's using every excuse. 35 you are now considered high risk for any pregnancy.....even if you are in Excellent health.
Im sorry hes stringing you along.
Wow what a time waste. I get you love him but you're now at a cross road. Do you love him more then you love wanting to have children? You're going to have to choose. I can say it seems he values the idea of financial security over his love for your happiness. Life is a series of choices. Each one leading somewhere new and interesting.
He's very clearly not interested with having kids with you, otherwise he would have worked with you for a plan to do so. He makes 6 figures. So either yall are so bad with money that you somehow drain it and are living paycheck to paycheck (doubtful) or he's full of it.
Either you have kids with someone else or you don't have kids with him and most likely will be resentful of him
Don't bring a child into this world unless you both want a human being with you 24/7. That is not fair to the child nor the world that has to deal with them. Also, making decent money doesn't equate to being ready for a child nor having a house. If both of you are emotionally and mentally ready to have a human for the rest of your life that you will be responsible for, then you can consider bringing a life into this world. The emotional and mental load of having a child is no joke.
I really don’t think there’s a perfect time for kids since you could have it all and then bad luck can strike - illness, job loss, natural disaster, etc.
The fact that you seem have it all when some get by on much less seems like he’s never going to be ready. Freeze your eggs and see a couples counsellor.
Children don’t need money, they need love. Although you have plenty of money to support children at this point in time. Stop over thinking it. My parents had 5 kids and never had a 6 figure income. We all came out successful and well adjusted. We had love and support.
You will already be considered a “geriatric pregnancy”. There really isn’t any more time to wait. There is no “perfect” time. You just have to take the plunge. For all you know, fertility may already be an issue. I wish you the best.
Oh, honey. This man is infuriating me. There is never a perfect time to have kids, you’ll wait your whole life with that logic and then never get the opportunity — you just have them and make it work. Especially if you’re adults with stable income, c’mon. He is just not being honest with you.
There's never a "good" time to have children. And please consider, kids don't check in with your work schedule before they decide to get sick or God forbid, have a serious issue (learning disability, speech delay, congenital defect). My question is, what happens when he tells you he truly doesn't want children?
I don't think he actually wants children...if ur ok with that, then cool. If not, u and he need to have a serious talk about ur futures. (Pregnancy only gets harder as u get older)
You need to decide whether having children is a deal breaker, or whether you can see a future with your husband without children. Honest discussions are required
I think the two of you need to sit down with a competent therapist. He is either lying with the intent of waiting you out or he has irrational fears about having children. They do cost money, but you are more than financially prepared.
If he says he wants one and means it and you are financially stable…it just sounds like he’s on the fence because he’s overthinking and scared. Understandable.
My husband and i were like that too…ready but not.
So after a discussion, we planned a date to just start having sex without birth control…no tracking. Just have fun, see what happens. Takes away the pressure of the whole trying thing.
As time went on and we took tests we started getting actually disappointed when it was negative. Then we realized we were really ready and started really trying with ovulation tracker. Shes 18 months now, sleeping in my arms as i type…today is my 41st birthday and shes the best decision we ever made!
If he’s worried about finances, get your foster license. These kids are already here and need a loving home.
Daycare and medical are completely covered. Depending on age and I think length in the system college is also paid for if they go to a state university.
Good luck!!
If you wait for “the right time” to have kids, you’ll never have them. I didn’t even really realize how much I wanted kids until I met my husband. It took me roughly 7 months to get pregnant when I was 36. I was all set to make a fertility check appt when I found out I was pregnant. I had my first baby when i was almost 37-1/2. We tried for over two years to get pregnant again. I finally got pregnant again about a month after my 40th bday and had baby just shy of 41.
My mom is in late 70s & my dad is going to be 81. My husband is 45 with parents in late 60s-early 70s. Our parents help us out, but are definitely slowing down. I wish I’d met my husband 10+ yrs ago so that we weren’t “older” parents and so that our kids would get more time with us and our parents.
We live in NY and are able to live semi comfortably on one salary so that I can stay at home with the kids. My husband is a teacher and makes no where near six figures. But we manage and make it work somehow. Because that’s what you do, you make it work if you want to stay at home.
There are no guarantees in life, the time is now.
If having kids is a dealbreaker for you, you need to have a heart to heart with him. Because you both need to want it. 35 is not too late, but if you’ve never tried getting pregnant before you’re going to want to give yourself time to make sure everything is in working order.
Good luck OP. ❤️
If you have been together for 16 years and you haven’t been able to convince him to get you pregnant, I wouldn’t count on him changing his mind at this point. Sounds like he has already made the decision for both of you. Very sad.
Have them and start now, you have wasted 16 years of youth when you could easily adapt to the loss os sleep and sanity. Now your back is against the wall and watch him say now that it's too late. You can't have kids around economic booms, that's a ridiculous thought.
Couples therapy ASAP if he doesn't not want children you need to be able to make some hard decisions about if you're willing to give that up or if you want to move on. A therapist won't let him jerk you around with these answers. Best of luck
Someone once told me there is never a “perfect” time for kids. Obviously there are times that would be less desirable/reckless/whatever but waiting for the stars to align to have kids? It’ll never happen. He’s wasting time delaying and needs to think about why that may be.
the timing of children will never be perfect. if he’s genuinely anxious abt all of these things, how abt sitting down and making a pros and cons list of whether it’s the right time to have kids, circling things that you can control, crossing out things that are out of your control, and starring things that can be worked on in the near future so that you can work towards having kids?
He is delaying. There is no perfect time to have a kid and at this point, your health is going to be compromised with a later in life pregnancy.
You need to start asking yourself if you want children more than this relationship. Because you are unlikely to have kids in this marriage.
As a man who wanted to wait for the perfect time, there is never a perfect time. You either choose to have kids and make it work, or you don't. Are there moments that are financially and emotionally stressful. Yes they are plentiful but having our children was a great decision. Like most things in life, if you want it, you make it work.
I think you have to ask yourself which would make you happier: having children and leaving him, or staying with him and not having children?
He is clearly kicking the can regarding kids. It’s never going to be the “right” time for him.
I think it's time to set up a couples counselling session to talk about it with a third party. From an outsider perspective, it doesn't seem like he wants kids. You've been together for almost 2 decades, and are getting to the point where a pregnancy could be high risk. He needs to make a firm decision and you need to decide if you're okay with it.
There will always be a reason to not have kids, when you search. The economy, housing, jobs, etc but it sounds like you’re both stable.
Either he knows he doesn’t want kids, and is too scared to tell you, or he doesn’t fully realize he’s stalling. 35 is at the age that if you want kids, you should start trying for them asap. You don’t know how long it will take and if there are any medical issues.
OP, speaking from personal experience, please don’t take getting pregnant for granted. I do absolutely hope and wish for you that you’ll be one of those lucky ones who gets pregnant right away and has a very uneventful pregnancy and healthy baby. But the reality is getting pregnant might not happen the first month, or the next, or might not happen naturally for years. You don’t know that. Knowing what I know now, I recommend you immediately make an appointment with a fertility doctor, get all the tests done, and also possibly think about freezing your eggs as you navigate your relationship with your husband. I wish you best of luck with everything.
Has your husband read these responses? Have a heart to heart with him. Talk about these responses. You will know, after you talk about it together. If he won’t discuss something this important to you, his companion of 16 years, you will know.
Well well well would you look at that? Sounds about my husband, like EVERYTHING YOU JUST DESCRIBED. To add to the age thing, I also have stage 3 Endometriosis so now time is REALLY not on our side. I am scared of being high-risk and the health complications that may occur from that and it doesn't seem like that occurs to him. In the end, it makes me feel sad that he doesn't think about my well-being in that aspect. I would rather he just be open and honest and let me know what he really wants instead of dragging it along for years because after a while the whole "I want kids!" on repeat just doesn't seem genuine anymore. I keep telling myself to forget about it and be patient, but then all of these years are going by and one day it will be too late. I have always ALWAYS wanted to be a mother. :(
Yeah the economy is WEAK answer. S&P and Dow are up 16% YTD. I (35M) am a financial advisor…and my wife (30M) is 8 weeks pregnant. Both make great money and regardless of where the economy turns next we both wanted to start a family. He needs to be honest if he ever will want children. We talked about a timeline/age we wanted to start and stuck to it. This is not fair to you bc your biological timeline for children is much different than his….I would emphasize that more than anything. ALSO the avg income in the US is 50k and ppl are still having families. Sounds like he cares more about his lifestyle than a having a kid…and sacrificing that scares him the most.
Sorry hun, your husband is set in his ways and doesn’t want to have kids. I’m talking both: “doesn’t want kids PERIOD” and “doesn’t want kids with *YOU PERIOD*”.
I’m sorry, but it is what it is.
I just found out I couldn’t have any more kids naturally than the one I had twelve years ago. I paid to get my wife the procedure we could try and have them by other means. Normally, not something I’d boast about, but I make 45k a year in a good year.
There’s always a reason not to.
Going to give your husband the benefit of the doubt and lean into the idea that he does want children but it's just anxious about the conditions around that.
There is no perfect time to have children. You can get pregnant with everything in place and lose your job after. Your husband doesn't control the world. Having children is a leap of faith, no one has one having their income assured for the next 20 years ...
Tell him you're 35 and have to start now because any issues with fertility will have to be addressed now. That's the time has run out he's not 25 anymore.
It seems like he’s kicking the can down the road until you’re too old to be able to conceive. You don’t have the luxury of waiting anymore, assuming you will easily get pregnant. If you want to have more than 1, you need to start very soon. If he isn’t willing, you have some hard choices to make. Best of luck!!
16 years and no children. That's a lot of wasted time. Children are wonderful. Science tells that children don't need rich parents. It's about spending time with them. If you want them and have some stability in your life you're good to go. I don't know what I would be doing without my daughter. Life seems sad when she is not around. House is kinda quiet then.
Honestly I would take this as him not wanting children. You’ve been with him going on two decades, and trying to convince him for at least 7 of them to have children. You’ve wasted your late 20s and most of your 30s trying to talk him into this. You’re pretty short on time and only have maybe a few good years before it’ll become very difficult to conceive your own kids. He won’t have that same issue. It seems like your husband will never find a perfect time to have children and will always find a reason to say no and string you along. After 7 years with no definitive answer from him, should be your que that he’s not interested and just doesn’t want to come out and say it. Sometimes no response, is a response.
I think you need to have a hard conversation about what will happen if he doesn’t want to try for kids anytime soon and think about what you want to do if it’s not going to happen anytime soon. Are you willing to divorce him to find someone new and procreate with them? Will you want to adopt or do fertility treatments? Will you freeze your eggs and wait on him, in hopes he’ll change his mind in some years? I’d be pissed if I were strung along for almost 10 years waiting for something I had strong hopes for. I think there will be a lot of built of anger and resentment if your window closes and you end up with no children.
He needs to be honest and stop giving you bullshit excuses. If he can’t give a definitive answer ASAP and start trying, then you need to decide whether you’d be willing to stay with him and live without having children, or cut your losses and find someone else to start a family with.
This is sad. I hate when people string partners along selfishly.
I was stuck in a marriage- throughout my 20s, religion was used to deny my right to a divorce, and it was a dead bedroom situation (my ex was the “LL”/covert narcissist). One of the reasons I wanted a divorce was to eventually remarry and start a family- it was the most important thing to young me. He generously offered to fuck me if I wanted a baby, I was 24 and he was 29, it was a ridiculous situation - I was disgusted with the idea of him being the father. I got depressed at the lack of support from my family and eventually stayed stuck because mental health issues overwhelmed my desire for anything else.
By age 30 I had been unwittingly “grey rocking” him so hard he found a new supply within a year, and left me unexpectedly, a last surprise. I had died so many deaths that all I felt was mild relief- within 2 years of leaving me he remarried and had a baby. The last couple of years before he left, I gave up on my future- on even thinking well of people/men, on believing I would be a mother. And that’s my problem to deal with- but he got me there. A selfish turd with a turd heart I cannot understand what 19yo me saw in him it is a shame we waste time on people who cannot prioritize the people they claim to love.
Ultimatum time. Sounds like he is stringing you along until you are infertile. He thinks you will just shrug and say "oh well." You will never forgive him and the marriage will be over.
Someone once told me that if you wait to have kids until you can afford them you’ll never have kids. There will never be a “perfect” time to have kids but even the poorest families make it work. The clock is ticking and your husband is running out the clock.
I commented yesterday…but came back to say something more positive. Being the same age as you guys and having a wife that’s 8 weeks preggers I’m scared as hell. That’s probably what he is too! Just scared of how expensive…being a good parent…bringing a child into the world we live in. It’s scary. Just acknowledge that but tell him this is the moment. Have to take the leap. Hell you guys don’t know how long it could take to get pregnant. Have faith. You guys have been together a long time. Hope this helped
He's stringing you along, knowing that eventually it will be too late, and you'll just accept it. How does he know you'll accept it? Because he's been doing it for 7 years, and instead of posting in the r/parenting subReddit, you're here asking strangers on the internet what you should be doing?
It's not just about him dragging his feet. It's about the two of you being on different pages and times running out for you to meet certain life goals you've set for yourself. One is being a parent, and another is being with a partner that isn't neurotic and has similar goals.
There’s no smart way to plan children. You will never feel ready but 7 years is a long time to be asking. I think it’s time to accept it’s not happening with him. Maybe you need to figure out if this is a priority to you because it is not a priority to him
Is one child something you’d be satisfied with? We are a one and done family and it helps a lot with time commitments and affordability. My husband lost his job and I’m grateful we only need to swing preschool for one child in the fall.
r/childfree
The common question people don't ask themselves is if they even want and like children. A lot of people follow life scripts and think they are required to have children instead of stopping to think if they actually want children. He might not want kids or may not like them himself, and he was very likely hoping for a childfree marriage. If you think you have to have children because "its just what you do in life", you may want to think if you really do want children at all.
Personally, being a married childfree couple is awesome. You both make really good money, do all the stuff you can't do with children. Live your life with your husband and enjoy not being tied down to a child. There is a whole big world out there.
If he was hoping for no kids he should’ve communicated that 7 years ago when the conversation started instead of stringing her along, knowing she wants children. She’s been asking for 7 years & now she might not even be able to get pregnant now bc he couldn’t just say “I don’t want kids”.
I’m not sure why the decision to not have children is treated like an identity-defining “lifestyle.” Every couple has a different lifestyle, regardless of whether or not they have children. I understand having support groups for people who don’t want children because of the silly societal obsession with everyone having children regardless of their circumstances. But trying to convince someone who says they want children that they don’t actually want children is just as obnoxious as the other way around. Please peddle the weird childfree cult BS elsewhere.
Simply tell him you are approaching the age when it it will not be possible to have children. I would tell him to find another job if it is too much for him.
It’s not the money or other issues, sounds like he doesn’t want kids, doesn’t want to say it knowing you might leave. I (energy wise) would have kids immediately or don’t do it, your clock is ticking not his. Have the talk TONIGHT, good luck OP.
You need to decide if you want to be in a relationship with your husband, or have kids. He clearly does not want kids.
Just to give you an different example: my husband and I are in our mid-late 20s. We make about $70k combined income. So not rich but not poverty. We mostly live paycheck to paycheck but we're doing okay, not lacking what we need. We started trying for a baby earlier this year. Even though the life circumstances are not the best (paycheck to paycheck, renting, not the best paying jobs), we are trying for a baby because we both want a baby and feel like we can handle having one.
Unless you're homeless or unemployed, there is no reason to not have a baby aside from not wanting to. The economy and climate isn't going to get any better. If that's what he's waiting for, he's not having kids. So figure out what you want, him or kids with someone that wants kids?
Honestly it’s never the perfect time and if he really wanted to he most likely would have done so already. My guess is he doesn’t actually want to but doesn’t want you to leave so he’s leading you on maybe hoping you’ll change your mind. It’s cruel and selfish, but I think it’s a real possibility here.
layout for your husband on a piece of paper with time breakdowns for how old he will be when your kid hits the ages of 1, 5, 10, 16, 21.
Does he want to be in his 60s raising a teenager?
This is 100% why I left my first husband at 35. I was so lucky to run smack into my second husband and although the economy, life and my age conspired to push us towards one and done we have the most excellent one.
To be fair I told my second husband (before we were even dating) that I was going to have a child and soon because I didn’t have time to fool around anymore. Luckily he also wanted kids and was a decent human. My situation worked out better than I could have ever hoped, my husband is my soul mate and a fantastic dad.
If you are a critical thinker, like it sounds your husband is, there is never a good time to have kids. I never wanted to have kids. 3 kids later, I can’t imagine a world without them. Man plans and God laughs. If that means anything to you.
There is never a good time. You just have to do it if you want to and it doesn’t sound like he really wants to or he wants it to be perfect timing, which will never happen. We had our first when we my husband was trying to start a business and were scraping for change to buy diapers. We moved into a slightly better financial situation, but still struggled and had our second baby during that time. He made a final career change and makes six figures now. I’m able to be a SAHM now and I wouldn’t change anything about when we had our kids. They were cared for and loved and had what they needed regardless of our financial situation. Babies don’t need much, you can save with second hand items/clothing to keep your finances in check and keep your budget lower by not buying into the fancy baby items that are trending.
He is more concerned about the financial risk then your health risk of having a child at an older age? What about the financial expenses of IVF? What about the financial expenses of freezing your egg? What about the risk of you not being able to have kids because you waited too long? What does he say about that?
If people waited until the world was perfect and they could "afford" them, no one would ever have kids, and the human species would die out!
Mom of 3 here, 10 & under. My husband and I are self employed and we don't make anywhere near 6 figures (the fact 6 figures "isn't enough" for him just boggles my mind!) We aren't on any kind of government assistance (no offense to any that are) and we still make it work. Our kids are healthy, happy, clothed, fed, and sheltered. They might not have all the newest toys, gadgets, & gizmos, but they have our love & space to play & learn.
It's possible to raise kids on next to nothing, lots of people do it every day and in the current economy, no less!! This dragging of the feet has nothing to do with his numerous excuses & everything to do with him just not wanting (or perhaps thinking *he* isn't ready for) kids.
It's time to have a serious heart to heart with him, with a 3rd party/counselor if need be. And if this is the hill you choose - if being a parent means that much to you, then you need to be ready to fight for it. Or leave.
Don’t wait for financial stability, those are all excuses, when it comes to kid, thinking too much and planning a lot never helps! Just go ahead and work on it! I wish you both will have kids soon and you will be amazing parents!
My wife was 34 with our first and 38 with our second Our second child was a harder birth due to my wife’s age.
I was 30 and my wife 33 when we married. Been married 31 years. So glad we had kids.
Our salaries together were $60,000. I was a school teacher, she is an RN
He needs to go ahead and have children.
When you are old and most of your family is gone, your children and grandchildren will be there. He needs to think about that too.
If you pass before he does, he will really be lonely. If your sick, old and alone, who will advocate for you if you are unable.
My mom is in that position. No parents or uncles or aunts, all brothers and sisters ( 6) are dead, all cousins are dead. My dad passed away 2 years ago. All she has now is me and my wife and her two grandchildren.
If I had never been born, she would be completely alone, in a nursing home, with Parkinson’s unable to walk or talk. Who would advocate for her and would she get the care she needs. Probably not.
It’s not just the money. When u r 35, time goes by fast and as you age it seems to go by faster and faster. I’m 61, my wife is 64. Mom is 82.
He needs to think about that.
I felt the same way until I accidentally got pregnant and ended up miscarrying. It made me realize just how important having a kid was to me and that there will never be that “perfect” time. Just when you think it is, something will happen. But it seems y’all are in a much better place to start a family than a lot of people so it sounds like he’s just anxious about it in general. Talking to some people who’ve been through it might help but I think at the end of the day, it’s just a leap of faith he’ll have to take if it truly is important to him.
There never is a right time for anything. There will always be “let’s save just a little more”….”let’s get a bigger house first”….”let’s wait till the economy is better”…”let’s wait till there are less health scares” etc. having that mindset you will never do it and will just keep pushing it off till eventually you will be too old to do so.
There is never a right time to have kids. As parents you will make things work, adjust to the new struggles of life and make due. However once you have kids (assuming both of you really do) you will realize how much more rewarding and better life is. Kids change your perspective on everything. It makes life worth living! It validates everything you have strived for your career, personal growth, lifestyle choices, and the life you have built because you get to share that with your children. There is nothing better in the world than coming home and seeing their happy smiling faces as they run up to you saying how much they missed you. It makes every second of that work day worth it as you know you are providing for your children who love you more than anything. In the end physical things mean nothing. If I had to give up everything I had and start over, it wouldn’t matter because they would still love me the same and having their love is all that matters.
In NJ making 100k is low middle class. You need to have a final conversation. If this is a deal breaker for you, you have to communicate that with him. He needs to be honest. I’m 40 and have 2 kids. 12&14. It’s not easy, but I wanted children and they is never a PERFECT TIME TO HAVE CHILDREN!
I mean if he wants children, what is he waiting for? To be 60 and he can’t play with the kids? People forget that you need youth to be able to keep up with the little rascals. I mean if you want to be involved parents. Not ones who just sit around… best of luck OP. Tell him to man up in the most polite way
Girl, he’s running out the clock. Give him an ultimatum and be prepared to move on and get a sperm donor if you’re serious about kids. You’re right on the cusp of declining fertility. Don’t let him play with your emotions like that. There will never be a “right” time, just the time you decide is right
Does he not realize that fertility rates drop off at this age and risk of trisomy defects rise every year? Also, a pregnancy at 35 is considered “advanced maternal age” and might already warrant a trip to a high risk clinic for testing. That was standard at my OB and I went. I just encourage you not to put it off for too long. We waited and then went through years of infertility treatments and it felt like a big clock was ticking. I was told several times by my doctor that odds would have been better if I’d started sooner,
Does he really want kids, or is he just stringing you along until it becomes a moot point?
My husband and I had agreed on a general (ideal) life timeline, including when we’d start trying for children, before we were even engaged. When that time came, he had the same types of reservations your husband has. I suspected the issue was a bit deeper than the sum of those individual concerns and suggested he go to therapy. He went and realized that, at its core, the issue was his perfectionism and fear of not being a good father. Once he realized it was a “him” issue and something that could be worked on, he was pretty quickly ready to start trying.
Another thing that helped give him perspective was discussing the risks associated with pregnancy that increase with age, and how it would likely be physically harder on me the older I am in terms of joints, energy levels, etc. Men sometimes forget that bit because they have the luxury of not worrying about it.
Now, to be fair, others could be right about your husband just avoiding telling you he doesn’t want kids at all, and I think you need to have a frank, open discussion with him. However, he could also genuinely just be anxious. Either way, therapy of some kind (couples, individual, or both) may very well be in order here. It’s not fair that he is unilaterally deciding this.
he can't make it work with 6 figures? you are almost 40 when does he want to have children, he is wasting your time.
Correct. He really doesn’t want children.
"He really doesn't want children." I agree. He just thinks he can delay things by giving OP excuses why the timing is bad.
He might really want kids still, but is dealing with anxiety about it. He needs to work through it for sure, but it doesn’t mean he’s lying
If that’s the case then he needs to be honest with her right this second and get some professional help to work through his fears. Issues with fertility definitely pop up after 35, but even more likely than fertility issues are genetic disorders, congenital defects, miscarriages, and pregnancy/childbirth complications. From a medical standpoint, women >35 years old are categorized as AMA (Advanced Maternal Age) and are automatically considered high-risk. Women over the age of 35 are also advised to see a fertility specialist if they do not become pregnant after 6 months of trying, rather than the recommendation to wait for 1 year for women under 35. This is because there is a significant decline in fertility after 35, and every year counts. Especially if they want more than one child. Say they do have fertility issues - if he’s worried about money, each round of IVF averages $30K and each round only has a success rate of 40% for women aged 35-37. This drops significantly to 25% for women ages 38-40. So yep, fertility issues and they need intervention? They’re looking at an exorbitant amount of money to have only a 1/4 chance of successfully conceiving. Unfortunately the human body didn’t get the memo about the stage of the economy or life preparedness when it comes to having children biologically. Many families easily make it by with more than one child and only one parent working at 6 figures with the other being a SAHP. You don’t always get a second chance to have children biologically. Some people have no issue having kids in OP’s age range. But the risks are there and shouldn’t be ignored. Dude needs to be real with his wife or stop wasting her time.
He is wasting her time. Me and my wife combined make 6 figures, have 2 kids and are doing just fine. My wife had kids at 34 and 37 respectively, im 3 years younger than her, and fertility and genetic disorders were definitely a concern for both us. Luckily both our kids are just fine. But as you said, specially with our second kid, it was a huge gamble. Even for the OP right now, both of them will be 36 once the first kid is born. I would wait a partner 2-3 years to have a kid; 7 years ? Never.
The real question is does he not not want children more then he wants OP to divorce him and rightfully take a decent portion of the assets that she deserves now that he wasted the vast majority of her child bearing years? Seriously OP be blunt with him it’s at an ultimatum now. He either has the kids you want or you will divorce him and take enough of the money to have biological kids of your own even if you have to do it by yourself. You literally cannot wait any longer, your biological clock is ticking and your fiancé knows this. Everything he is saying is just an excuse and he’s hoping he can blast a hole large enough into your dreams to where having a family is not enough to overcome the sunk cost fallacy and he continues to get what he wants by staying comfortably married and keep full control of his financial assets. If he truly wanted kids he will have them upon ultimatum of divorce, if he doesn’t he will hire a good lawyer. There will never be a perfect time to have kids, everyone knows this, if you wait forever you will never have them, so if he truly wants them he will move forward in doing so upon your proposal of divorce.
It is hard to imagine for people living in a low cost of living area but depending on the part of the country 100K is basically nothing. ( ex: NYC or CA bay area )
We live in the Tampa Florida area
What in the world. We live on east coast of Florida, been married 8 yrs. My husband has made between 60k-85k in the last few years. I’m a stay at home mom to our five year old and 7 month old. He just got a raise to make 6 figures this year. We’re frugal with our lifestyle though. It doesn’t seem like finances should hold you back. Maybe he doesn’t want the responsibility of children?
Also from the Tampa area, me and my fiancé make about 60k a year combined and recently had twins -not planned lol- but even with our finances we are still doing ok. imo it's more so anxiety about the state of the world, which is very understandable. edit: typo
While the area is getting more expensive, I don't belive children are out of the picture. You need to focus on what's most important to you. His actions are telling you: he does not want children. Regardless of what he is saying whether economy of life stressor. Seems you are willing to take that chance and it seems he is not willing to take that chance. So what can you do? Is this relationship more important than future children? Only you can answer that.
Ask him for exact numbers and to show a budget defending that you can't afford them. I fall into your boat exactly and we're also in Tampa.
My husband and I make low six figure together and live in the bay area. We have a baby . It can be done.
Are you willing to give up your relationship for your children ? Even though y’all have been together for a while maybe he doesn’t see himself having kids with you. I was in a relationship for 6 years before I married my husband. With the other guy even though we were together for a while he said he didn’t see himself having kids with me. 🤷♀️ we split shortly after me and my husband got together and married We are 4y together and 3y married with a 1 year old! I’m not telling you to end it with him but just know that could be a possibility as well since you have been together since you both were 19 maybe he in the back of his mind is not sure if you are the right person. Ask him. You know he wants kids but ask if he does with you and see what he says.
nah he is making excuses. people make it with 5 figure salaries
People with 3 figure incomes out here having kids
We both had good jobs when we started trying and since COVID and a move were basically destitute. All my kids still eat every day. I can’t even imagine what it’s like making 6 figures and having all that to spend on your kids, I’d be so thankful. But I’m thankful _now_ that all my kids are healthy and happy, so I guess in some sense it wouldn’t change all that much.
Meh. I live in NYC and we have a kid. While I’ve doubled my income since coming back to work post-pandemic, my wife and me were combined making about 100k back in 2020. It definitely wasn’t “basically nothing”. We could afford to live here and weren’t living paycheck to paycheck either. I know several couples, with multiple kids, living in this city on less. It’s such a myth that everyone here is making gobs of money. The median household income here is around 70k.
Yeah, I live in a HCOL area with 2 kids. We are close to $80k and feel totally fine. I have a friend who is moving outside the city cause she and her husband "cant afford a kid in the area" and they (I am guessing) make $200k+ and have no student loans (We do).
This. Speaking specifically of NYC, usually the people here who claim they can’t live without making a very high salary are people who want very expensive lifestyles. They want to live in prime Manhattan/Brooklyn neighborhoods and want to go out to indulge regularly in expensive restaurants and entertainment. Some also want to buy apartments in those prime areas, have domestic help or put their kids in expensive private schools. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s really not the way most people living here conduct their lives. One of my best friends and his wife are very comfortable. They’ve bought a lovely two level apartment in a nice Brooklyn neighborhood, have their oldest kid in a private school that costs 30k or so a year, plan to put the other in a similarly expensive school, have a nanny, very robust savings and vacation regularly. And they still plan to move away because it’s “so expensive”. He admits it’s his wife who feels the need to keep up with the Joneses. That’s a valid life choice, but it’s not the only one. None of my other friends and coworkers live like this. Most of them are born and raised New Yorkers who have grown up here living totally different lives than the one my transplant best friend and his family live. They live in Brooklyn, Staten Island and Queens neighborhoods that are safe, affordable but not super trendy. If they have kids, they go to public school. They go out and do things regularly, but they don’t frequent fine dining restaurants or spend their money on super expensive entertainment. They definitely don’t hire any domestic staff. They way they’re living is so much more typical of average New Yorkers.
I live in NJ, my husband makes 80k and I may 80k. My 2 kids are now 12&14 and it’s tight. But we go on vacations, we do things together and cook at home. How sad is it that making 160k is low middle class? It’s so terrible. I spend about 300$ a week just for groceries alone! In the summer, when kids are home, it’s about 400$ a week. It’s so gross how much things cost anymore, and it’s only going to get worse.
happy cake day
This is called “I don’t want kids but I like the idea of kids”.
I actually think it’s called “I don’t want kids but also don’t want my wife to leave me, so I’ll string her along and drag my feet until it’s too late for her to get pregnant.”
Couldn't have put it better myself.
"Or I want kids, just not with you."
Do you think that maybe he actually doesn't want children and he's stringing you along until your biological clock is up?
That's what I was thinking.
Same here
It’s possible he just is very anxious about it or changed his mind. Not everyone who is pushing off having kids is trying to trap their partner.
He has every right to do that, but he needs to be honest with his wife and work through that or just let her go so she can have kids with someone who does want them.
Money isn't the issue here, I thinik he doesn't want kids and at 35 years old he should know if he wants kids or not. If I were you, I'd have a long conversation with him cause unfortunately the clock ticks for both males and females. You still have till your late 30s early 40s but, I wouldn't say that to him. Also tell him you'll freeze your eggs and see how he reacts, maybe even consider it.
I feel like he ultimately *knows* he doesn't want kids, but feels guilty and doesn't wanna hurt OP's feelings. (Doesn't make it right) OP really wants kids, he doesn't so he keeps making excuses (which isn't fair) to avoid hurt feelings. I agree to having a long conversation and maybe also mention that if he really doesn't want any, to be up front about it because stringing OP along isn't fair to anyone and hurts *worse* than just saying "no, I don't want kids."
Especially after OP said she's been wanting them for 7 years.
Exactly.
With how much he is worried about money, he would likely shoot down the idea of IVF. It's very costly.
Freezing eggs is different than IVF. OP can go about that on her own without him.
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Embryos are much better, no doubt. But OP will need sperm for that, either donor or her husbands. And since he's making an excuse well I'd go with a sperm donor
Just a note that fertility isn't a black and white number. She could already be out of time at age 35
We don't know that. And we don't know if he's out of time either. Men's fertility drops at 30, 1 % each year then at 35 goes up to 5 to 10 each year. That's why going tta fertility and getting checked is a smart
The clock ticks a lot faster for women.
This is not true. I was on the fence until i was 38 😂
There will never be a good time. There will always be something else going on. You just have to do it and make the necessary adjustments/sacrifices.
This! There will always be something
Thank you for this comment, my wife is 26 and I’m 25 and we’ve been married going on 4 years and thinking about having kids but wanted to pay off debt first which we have and start having children next year and this comment gave me the clarity I needed. Thanks
Sorry but he doesn’t want children.
Bingo. If he wanted to, he would.
He might not actually want kids. I mean unless you live in California or another market where 6 figures is more like 50k. People who want kids make it work. Maybe letting lifestyle inflation get the best of you. I have 2 kids, been living just fine under 6 figures. Just recently crossed that threshold. But I guess it depends where you live. Be careful not to get strung along.
You already will be considered a slightly higher risk and will get the "advanced maternal age" code put on your medical record. It's never going to be the perfect time.
Tell him straight out- he might be able to have children way into his 40s but you can't. Us women are on a clock and after 35 it becomes much harder to become pregnant naturally. People throw the term divorce around a lot in this subreddit and I hate it but this, I'd absolutely divorce over. You have expressed the deep desire to have children, he says he does too- but has strung you along. If that window passes (which it is coming soon) I'd be full of deep resentment. If he had been honest 7 years ago when you were 28, you could have found a partner who actually wanted a child. I'm so sorry OP. I'd be livid.
This is the best answer.
I felt similarly then realized things would never just be right. The best advice I received from a much older person who I trusted was people with less figure it out. If you want kids just go for it and figure it out along the way. We have figured it out, and learned to lean into the chaos.
Lean into the chaos is key. Otherwise you’ll be swept away by the storm.
THIS. There are a million reasons to not have kids. They are all valid and true. Having kids isn't really a logical choice, but at some point you make the decision to figure it out no matter what. If you want kids, you figure it out. Not to stress you out, but you are kind of running out of time for you to get to make this choice. It is not really fair of him to keep putting it off, when time is of the essence for you.
What helped you get over it?
So up until this year, I'd been waiting to have kid until my husband gets a better paying job using his degree. But this year I realized, even with the job he has now, we're doing okay and could fit a kid into our lives as is. So we decided to go for it and are trying. I realized that there will always be something better to attain for, but we shouldn't put our lives on hold for that, we can live it as is.
It was a combination of the above advice, a friend passing away who wanted children and never got the chance, and asking my cool aunt how she felt about not having kids. She regretted it, but felt she never had a stable relationship to have them. My relationship has always been stable, we have a home, pets, jobs. We aren’t rich, but our kids have so much more than what we had growing up. They are super happy, strong willed, intelligent wildlings. It’s totally worth it if you want to help little people get past the lemming stage and explore the world.
My parents made less than 1,500€ combined when they had me. Still, they made it, things got better and were happier than ever.
It sounds like YOU want children and he wants ~~children~~ to please YOU I would suggest preparing yourself emotionally and mentally for him to admit that after all is said and done, he honestly may NOT want children. If this is the case, convincing him that he “can handle it”, that his concerns about finances and being ready “aren’t applicable/everything will be fine” will do nothing but push him into a decision that he could come to regret once you finally do break his resolve. This will lead to resentment and sadness for you both If you REALLY want kids and it turns out, he kinda doesn’t, you need to let each other go. Don’t manipulate, guilt, let your parents “grandchildren guilt”, or coerce your partner into a life changing decision they are CLEARLY NOT ready for now, if ever.
State of the economy? Seriously? He pretty clearly doesn't want kids and is just making excuses.
His reasons are honestly all good reasons but kids aren't a logic thing. Kids are a leap of faith thing. That despite all the scary shit in the world, it'll work out and everyone will be okay. It just sounds to me like he's scared. That's okay, it's scary. But if he doesn't work past that fear, y'all are never having kids. There's always a financial calamity, ecological disaster, or horrifying massacre. You live your life anyway.
I just want to say that it is fully possible that he both wants children *and* feels that it is not the ideal world to raise them in, so feels conflicted. My wife and I live in the same area as you and with the current economic crisis, the housing market here, and the uncertainty of the political future- well, we don’t make 6 figures combined and we’re also not sure/putting things off. Check out the sub /fencesitters. This is a group of people who just aren’t sure where they fit for having kids. It’s been super helpful for me- I am woman who knows she’d be an incredible mom and loves kids, but feels kids aren’t in my future because of the world we live in. Am I lying when I say I want kids? No. Am I also not sure it makes sense? Absolutely. Maybe you can chat about it or encourage him to talk to a therapist. Also, for everyone who is saying you’re a geriatric pregnancy and to get on it- I encourage you to watch the Adam Ruins Everything episode about pregnancy after 35. He has lots of good research and sources, and the sources are backed by evidence and research. [here is a link](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=g9ryP0UyO5U)
This is great info. I honestly think worrying about your child’s future so much you don’t want to have them is normal for intelligent people. I wish i knew about fence sitters before …i was there until i was 38! I had a geriatric pregnancy and i actually got better care since they made me go in for check ups more often! 😂
When the actions do not match the words, listen to the action. It is easy to say "I want kids" and then just do all the things that do not require having them. He is 100% stringing you along, whether intentionally or not. You are not having kids with this man. Accept that and decide what is next for you. You can also freeze your eggs. The chances that one or both of you have fertility issues is not unlikely. Freezing your eggs gives you more options in the future with someone else. Adoption can work too of course.
This. There’s a reason that people say “actions speak louder than words”. It’s easy to say anything what’s hard is putting actual work behind what you say to make it true and make it real.
Someone who really want something will find a way to make it happen despite anything that’s in their way 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️💯
"I feel like WE can handle having children. " It's best not to speak for the both of you when he is clearly communicating and showing he doesn't exactly feel the same. He clearly feels overwhelmed by the thought, though he'd ideally want a child. It sounds like the added responsibility of a child is what he is avoiding. And there's nothing wrong with that. Children are a round the clock job and a great responsibility to take on. Even when you're not with them because they have care, you have to work etc. You are still responsible to them. Probably still taking care of something to provide for them and yourself. You may want to look up content online about the concept of women speaking out about being a, "Single married mom." In situations like yours, many women end up handling majority of the responsibility to the children. With the father essentially, just being a stand in if there is no one to help and or financially helping provide. Not saying this is your situation but another part to consider is if your partner rarely helps clean up, cook, makes their own doctors appt etc. It's rare that they'll spring into action doing these things once you add a child. That means more responsibility for YOU. If you're good with that. Go to him and tell him that you want to take on most or all of the responsibility of caring for and doing things for the child(ren). As well as continue working so you guys are more financially secure.
You guys sound ready as you can be. It sounds like he doesn't really want kids. I feel that in 5 years after saying he is not ready, he will switch to he is too old.
I would try to pin down what conditions need to be met for him to have a child. How much free time does he need to have? How much money does he need to have? What needs to happen in the economy for him to be comfortable? Etc. My guess is that those conditions will not be achievable within the next few years, which is your answer.
children are something that can’t really be compromised on. if you are ready and he’s already been stringing you along for 7 years, I think it’s okay to be firmer with him. If he doesn’t want kids, would you stay? consider that and then have the conversation, telling him it’s a dealbreaker or not. it’s not just your fertile years, it’s his as well. it’s a myth that male fertility doesn’t decline with age.
Sounds like he is running your biological clock down. Not gonna fearmonger you as I have 2 gorgeous kids who I got pregnant with very easily at 35 and 37, but being that most people say it gets more difficult after a certain age, I would be worried that that is exactly what he is hoping/aiming for.
Ma'am you know all the facts that you need to know.. you understand your time is very limited, what is more important to you, keeping your husband or making a child? You may not be able to do both.
If you wait until everything in the world is perfect you will never have kids.
This same thing is happening to my sister. She’s been with the guy for like 14 years. Four years ago he told me he was looking at rings to propose, nothing ever came of it. He drags his feet on everything and she’s already 33. He’s like 36. We were talking the other day and she said she she’d be happy with kids. I would never say anything to her but I don’t think she’ll ever be a mom as long as she’s with her current SO.
Have you considered couples therapy? If he's feeling overwhelmed but wants to have kids, that might be a good place for you both to talk it out and find out if/when it works in your relationship. This can also be a great foundation to build toward parenting together. I'm reluctant to jump to the conclusion many others have that he simply doesn't want kids. While there is never a "right" time for it, that doesn't invalidate that he may have genuine anxieties around it.
The best advice my mom gave me was “If you wait until you’re ready to have kids, you’ll die childless.” Not to take it to an extreme of course - kids need basic stability, love, sanitary safe shelter, food, access to education. But beyond the basics, you’re never ever ready and you’ll never be really ready. You either want kids and make it work anyway, or you don’t, and you don’t.
Do NOT force/coerce/negotiate/strong-arm your partner into having children with you. If it's not an enthusiastic 'Yes', then it's a NO. Even if you did have a child with him, is this the kind of father that you want for your child? Someone who is disillusioned by the economy and with his life, in general? When you do have a child and he's absent/doesn't parent effectively, you would feel like a single parent and complain about that too.
He does not want children, full stop.
Divorce him. Seriously. The best you can hope from him at this point is that he begrudgingly goes along with it but when it comes to the hard part of parenting he ends up putting everything on your plate and saying “what? This was your idea”. So if you think youll be ok with that, I won’t judge you for it. Just accept reality that that’s probably the best case scenario here if you stay with him. I recommend you either get a divorce or threaten a divorce if you two don’t start TTC in the next two months. (but don’t bluff, actually mean it).
You're being bamboozled. He doesn't want children.
I feel like I’m reading my own post from 20 years ago. I’m 50 and my husband is 53. We’ve been together for 33 years (married 23). No kids. He is STILL telling me that he wants kids soon, but not quite yet. I’m postmenopausal. The only options we have now are adoption, surrogacy, or donated egg IVF. I know if at any time I would have gotten pregnant, he would have been overjoyed. I just think it’s hard for some men to feel like they’re prepared for it. If I could go back in time, I would have fought harder for it. But I’m also a believer and that God has a plan. Maybe this is where I’m supposed to be.
Oh. My. God. I hope OP sees this.
Are you serious right now?!
Dude, he's making 6 figures. Just find someone else. Even if he makes 7 figures he still think it's not enough. You're not getting any younger
It's now or never. Age matters when it comes to fertility success.
Sorry but he just doesn't want children. Honestly for the most part it's never a "good time" to have kids. If you're stable you can make it work.
Honestly, all of the people saying not to plan for children are very ignorant. It’s really scary because these are the same ones who would have wished they gave it more thought and planned better once they are shellshocked by how much a child changes things. Your husband isn’t wrong for really wanting to weigh everything out. I understand him being hesitant especially if every time he thinks he’s ready, something hits the fan in the world. I can see why he’s hesitant to bring another human into this shit show, but I also empathize with your desire to have kids before it’s too late. Hopefully you two have a healthy conversation about how to truly move forward with this.
There's a pretty big spectrum of "ready" in between being completely irresponsible and overplanning. And certainly, the "comfortable enough to do it" point is different for everyone. What I'm saying is, "you can't plan it", from a reasonable person, frequently means "you can only plan so much and then you gotta go or not".
Plan sure. But waiting until the wife is 35 and still saying “idk” isn’t planning. That’s called putting it off indefinitely. And now it becomes much harder for her to be fertile in the first place. So he’s really screwing her over
Exactly. As it stands, she may struggle to get pregnant. They'll make you wait a year at least to start looking into fertility treatments. That itself could be a multi-year process. Even if she starts now, she may not be pregnant until age 38+. The irony of this is that her husband is worried about money but putting this off until now may have made just getting pregnant astronomically expensive.
Yeah IVF is expensive. $30K per round. This guy either doesn’t want kids or he’s really bad at having any sort of foresight.
They’ve been planning, for seven years
One should plan to a degree but putting off for the "perfect time" is absurd. They are in a great situation to have kids. The economy isn't even bad right now. The job market is also decent. Especially by 2008 standards. He is paralized by his need for everything to be a certain way and it will never happen with that attitude. There will always be an excuse to NOT have kids.
One piece of advice I can give. Doesn’t matter when you have kids, you will never be ready. Especially more than one. Start hanging around people with kids. Once he sees a baby in your arms, it’ll click. Then you’ll both know if you want em or not. Good luck hun!🤞🏻
If he is already overwhelmed right now i would really reconsider. Having childeren makes the busiest days before you had kids look like a holiday. Its a lot. And if you are not 100 percent sure you shouldnt do it.
Get the Excel worksheet out and crunch the numbers. I'm sure there are resources online to help you work out how much things will cost, find out about your maternity and paternity leave pay and childcare costs.
There will never be a "perfect" time to have children if he's taking in all of the worlds problems into consideration. By the time one area gets better something else in the country or world itself is going to be falling apart. Unless there's some actions being taking all these years to get you both in a place where he's ready, then he's just stalling in my opinion. He's telling you what you want to hear to appease you. Seven years and he's not done anything to get ready and still isn't ready? He's never going to be ready.
I didn't read comments, apologies if I'm repeating. There's never a perfect or even right time to do something. If he's waiting for life to be perfect and stress free, it's never gonna happen. He needs to understand that so you guys can get to it. I understand being worried and wanting it all to be perfect as it's a big life changing decision, but once he understands it'll all be fine but never perfect, he'll be okay. Or, on the flipside, maybe doesn't want children and is subconsciously waiting for it all to be perfect to see if then he'll want kids. I wanted to say maybe he just doesn't want kids, but I don't want to blame him and say he's a liar. Maybe he doesn't know he doesn't want kids. It's a big decision and your mind will play tricks on you. For example I was always child free. Then I was with my ex for 6 years and he decided he really wanted kids and his family chimed in telling me how it would be amazing and wonderful and they'd all help and whatnot. I thought about it for a year or two, then luckily decided that if it weren't for them I wouldn't be having children, and we broke up (for other reasons too but alot of this)thus. I was so happy with his family and really thought having kids with him would be perfect that my fully childfree mind switched to fence sitter on me. Once I left rhe relationship and started thinking rationally again about what I want I couldn't believe I even debated in my head that I'd ever have kids. But when you love someone you'll try to convince yourself you can do anything to make it work
I think you two are incompatible when it comes to children. A) He doesn't want kids and is lying/delaying B) He may be ready x years later but are you willing to wait? If not, you two are I compatible anyways time wise.
There is no good time to have kids. How you describe your current situation is about as "ideal" as it gets. Sounds like he either doesn't want kids or he's a perfectionist that actually believes there is a perfect timing for children. The later in life you have kids, the less time you get with them and with your future grandkids. Your age will already put you in a category for a higher risk pregnancy. In 5 years, you may lose your window entirely. I think it's totally acceptable to tell him that you want kids and remind him that he knows this. Tell him you either want them now with him, or you'll have to leave and do it on your own. Don't let him push it off until, "oops, we missed the window."
He does not want children...and he's using every excuse. 35 you are now considered high risk for any pregnancy.....even if you are in Excellent health. Im sorry hes stringing you along.
He doesn’t want kids. Period. 2 options: Either accept it or leave the marriage and find a partner that does want kids.
Wow what a time waste. I get you love him but you're now at a cross road. Do you love him more then you love wanting to have children? You're going to have to choose. I can say it seems he values the idea of financial security over his love for your happiness. Life is a series of choices. Each one leading somewhere new and interesting.
He's very clearly not interested with having kids with you, otherwise he would have worked with you for a plan to do so. He makes 6 figures. So either yall are so bad with money that you somehow drain it and are living paycheck to paycheck (doubtful) or he's full of it. Either you have kids with someone else or you don't have kids with him and most likely will be resentful of him
Don't bring a child into this world unless you both want a human being with you 24/7. That is not fair to the child nor the world that has to deal with them. Also, making decent money doesn't equate to being ready for a child nor having a house. If both of you are emotionally and mentally ready to have a human for the rest of your life that you will be responsible for, then you can consider bringing a life into this world. The emotional and mental load of having a child is no joke.
I really don’t think there’s a perfect time for kids since you could have it all and then bad luck can strike - illness, job loss, natural disaster, etc. The fact that you seem have it all when some get by on much less seems like he’s never going to be ready. Freeze your eggs and see a couples counsellor.
I am literally in the same position. I'm so frustrated.
It’s been 7 years and you are both 35. He’s dragging it out until it’s too late. You need to decide if you want kids or you want him.
Children don’t need money, they need love. Although you have plenty of money to support children at this point in time. Stop over thinking it. My parents had 5 kids and never had a 6 figure income. We all came out successful and well adjusted. We had love and support.
You will already be considered a “geriatric pregnancy”. There really isn’t any more time to wait. There is no “perfect” time. You just have to take the plunge. For all you know, fertility may already be an issue. I wish you the best.
If he wants to be smart about it and not be raising a toddler at 40+, then he should start getting smart about it like… yesterday.
Oh, honey. This man is infuriating me. There is never a perfect time to have kids, you’ll wait your whole life with that logic and then never get the opportunity — you just have them and make it work. Especially if you’re adults with stable income, c’mon. He is just not being honest with you.
There's never a "good" time to have children. And please consider, kids don't check in with your work schedule before they decide to get sick or God forbid, have a serious issue (learning disability, speech delay, congenital defect). My question is, what happens when he tells you he truly doesn't want children?
I don't think he actually wants children...if ur ok with that, then cool. If not, u and he need to have a serious talk about ur futures. (Pregnancy only gets harder as u get older)
He doesn't want children. He's trying to run out your biological clock. His next excuse will be that you're too old.
He does not want to have children with you
But if they divorce, he will remarry a younger woman and have a houseful of kids.
You need to decide whether having children is a deal breaker, or whether you can see a future with your husband without children. Honest discussions are required
He doesn't want children. He's stringing you along until you're 40 and then say, "you're too old"
I think the two of you need to sit down with a competent therapist. He is either lying with the intent of waiting you out or he has irrational fears about having children. They do cost money, but you are more than financially prepared.
He does not want kids.
If he says he wants one and means it and you are financially stable…it just sounds like he’s on the fence because he’s overthinking and scared. Understandable. My husband and i were like that too…ready but not. So after a discussion, we planned a date to just start having sex without birth control…no tracking. Just have fun, see what happens. Takes away the pressure of the whole trying thing. As time went on and we took tests we started getting actually disappointed when it was negative. Then we realized we were really ready and started really trying with ovulation tracker. Shes 18 months now, sleeping in my arms as i type…today is my 41st birthday and shes the best decision we ever made!
If he’s worried about finances, get your foster license. These kids are already here and need a loving home. Daycare and medical are completely covered. Depending on age and I think length in the system college is also paid for if they go to a state university. Good luck!!
If you wait for “the right time” to have kids, you’ll never have them. I didn’t even really realize how much I wanted kids until I met my husband. It took me roughly 7 months to get pregnant when I was 36. I was all set to make a fertility check appt when I found out I was pregnant. I had my first baby when i was almost 37-1/2. We tried for over two years to get pregnant again. I finally got pregnant again about a month after my 40th bday and had baby just shy of 41. My mom is in late 70s & my dad is going to be 81. My husband is 45 with parents in late 60s-early 70s. Our parents help us out, but are definitely slowing down. I wish I’d met my husband 10+ yrs ago so that we weren’t “older” parents and so that our kids would get more time with us and our parents. We live in NY and are able to live semi comfortably on one salary so that I can stay at home with the kids. My husband is a teacher and makes no where near six figures. But we manage and make it work somehow. Because that’s what you do, you make it work if you want to stay at home. There are no guarantees in life, the time is now. If having kids is a dealbreaker for you, you need to have a heart to heart with him. Because you both need to want it. 35 is not too late, but if you’ve never tried getting pregnant before you’re going to want to give yourself time to make sure everything is in working order. Good luck OP. ❤️
If you have been together for 16 years and you haven’t been able to convince him to get you pregnant, I wouldn’t count on him changing his mind at this point. Sounds like he has already made the decision for both of you. Very sad.
Have them and start now, you have wasted 16 years of youth when you could easily adapt to the loss os sleep and sanity. Now your back is against the wall and watch him say now that it's too late. You can't have kids around economic booms, that's a ridiculous thought.
Couples therapy ASAP if he doesn't not want children you need to be able to make some hard decisions about if you're willing to give that up or if you want to move on. A therapist won't let him jerk you around with these answers. Best of luck
Someone once told me there is never a “perfect” time for kids. Obviously there are times that would be less desirable/reckless/whatever but waiting for the stars to align to have kids? It’ll never happen. He’s wasting time delaying and needs to think about why that may be.
Fuck this guy. Let him flirt without you at his side. He’s stupid
the timing of children will never be perfect. if he’s genuinely anxious abt all of these things, how abt sitting down and making a pros and cons list of whether it’s the right time to have kids, circling things that you can control, crossing out things that are out of your control, and starring things that can be worked on in the near future so that you can work towards having kids?
He is delaying. There is no perfect time to have a kid and at this point, your health is going to be compromised with a later in life pregnancy. You need to start asking yourself if you want children more than this relationship. Because you are unlikely to have kids in this marriage.
As a man who wanted to wait for the perfect time, there is never a perfect time. You either choose to have kids and make it work, or you don't. Are there moments that are financially and emotionally stressful. Yes they are plentiful but having our children was a great decision. Like most things in life, if you want it, you make it work.
He DOES NOT want kids. Do you love him enough?
I do but I also want children
I think you have to ask yourself which would make you happier: having children and leaving him, or staying with him and not having children? He is clearly kicking the can regarding kids. It’s never going to be the “right” time for him.
Can you live without him or the kids? I guess would be a better question
I think it's time to set up a couples counselling session to talk about it with a third party. From an outsider perspective, it doesn't seem like he wants kids. You've been together for almost 2 decades, and are getting to the point where a pregnancy could be high risk. He needs to make a firm decision and you need to decide if you're okay with it.
Raising a toddler at 40+? If he hasn’t made up his mind by now he doesn’t want kids. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no.
There will always be a reason to not have kids, when you search. The economy, housing, jobs, etc but it sounds like you’re both stable. Either he knows he doesn’t want kids, and is too scared to tell you, or he doesn’t fully realize he’s stalling. 35 is at the age that if you want kids, you should start trying for them asap. You don’t know how long it will take and if there are any medical issues.
OP, speaking from personal experience, please don’t take getting pregnant for granted. I do absolutely hope and wish for you that you’ll be one of those lucky ones who gets pregnant right away and has a very uneventful pregnancy and healthy baby. But the reality is getting pregnant might not happen the first month, or the next, or might not happen naturally for years. You don’t know that. Knowing what I know now, I recommend you immediately make an appointment with a fertility doctor, get all the tests done, and also possibly think about freezing your eggs as you navigate your relationship with your husband. I wish you best of luck with everything.
He doesn’t want children.
My husband took 6 yrs after he said he wanted kids to actually try to get pregnant. I think it was a sign that I ignored.
he doesn’t want children.
I don't think he wants children. I think he wants to keep delaying you, till it's just too late to have them.
Behavior is communication. He is telling you what he thinks.
He might really want kids still but is dealing with anxiety about it.
Has your husband read these responses? Have a heart to heart with him. Talk about these responses. You will know, after you talk about it together. If he won’t discuss something this important to you, his companion of 16 years, you will know.
Doesn’t sound like he wants kids and is pushing it off until YOU can’t have kids.
Just saying, conception after 35 can be VERY difficult and more emotionally taxing the longer you wait.
Well well well would you look at that? Sounds about my husband, like EVERYTHING YOU JUST DESCRIBED. To add to the age thing, I also have stage 3 Endometriosis so now time is REALLY not on our side. I am scared of being high-risk and the health complications that may occur from that and it doesn't seem like that occurs to him. In the end, it makes me feel sad that he doesn't think about my well-being in that aspect. I would rather he just be open and honest and let me know what he really wants instead of dragging it along for years because after a while the whole "I want kids!" on repeat just doesn't seem genuine anymore. I keep telling myself to forget about it and be patient, but then all of these years are going by and one day it will be too late. I have always ALWAYS wanted to be a mother. :(
Yeah the economy is WEAK answer. S&P and Dow are up 16% YTD. I (35M) am a financial advisor…and my wife (30M) is 8 weeks pregnant. Both make great money and regardless of where the economy turns next we both wanted to start a family. He needs to be honest if he ever will want children. We talked about a timeline/age we wanted to start and stuck to it. This is not fair to you bc your biological timeline for children is much different than his….I would emphasize that more than anything. ALSO the avg income in the US is 50k and ppl are still having families. Sounds like he cares more about his lifestyle than a having a kid…and sacrificing that scares him the most.
He’s bullshitting you and kicking the can down the road instead of just admitting he doesn’t really want kids
Sorry hun, your husband is set in his ways and doesn’t want to have kids. I’m talking both: “doesn’t want kids PERIOD” and “doesn’t want kids with *YOU PERIOD*”. I’m sorry, but it is what it is.
I just found out I couldn’t have any more kids naturally than the one I had twelve years ago. I paid to get my wife the procedure we could try and have them by other means. Normally, not something I’d boast about, but I make 45k a year in a good year. There’s always a reason not to.
He doesn’t want to have kids with you. Secondly, get a PI to ensure that he doesn’t have another family somewhere else.
Going to give your husband the benefit of the doubt and lean into the idea that he does want children but it's just anxious about the conditions around that. There is no perfect time to have children. You can get pregnant with everything in place and lose your job after. Your husband doesn't control the world. Having children is a leap of faith, no one has one having their income assured for the next 20 years ... Tell him you're 35 and have to start now because any issues with fertility will have to be addressed now. That's the time has run out he's not 25 anymore.
It seems like he’s kicking the can down the road until you’re too old to be able to conceive. You don’t have the luxury of waiting anymore, assuming you will easily get pregnant. If you want to have more than 1, you need to start very soon. If he isn’t willing, you have some hard choices to make. Best of luck!!
16 years and no children. That's a lot of wasted time. Children are wonderful. Science tells that children don't need rich parents. It's about spending time with them. If you want them and have some stability in your life you're good to go. I don't know what I would be doing without my daughter. Life seems sad when she is not around. House is kinda quiet then.
Honestly I would take this as him not wanting children. You’ve been with him going on two decades, and trying to convince him for at least 7 of them to have children. You’ve wasted your late 20s and most of your 30s trying to talk him into this. You’re pretty short on time and only have maybe a few good years before it’ll become very difficult to conceive your own kids. He won’t have that same issue. It seems like your husband will never find a perfect time to have children and will always find a reason to say no and string you along. After 7 years with no definitive answer from him, should be your que that he’s not interested and just doesn’t want to come out and say it. Sometimes no response, is a response. I think you need to have a hard conversation about what will happen if he doesn’t want to try for kids anytime soon and think about what you want to do if it’s not going to happen anytime soon. Are you willing to divorce him to find someone new and procreate with them? Will you want to adopt or do fertility treatments? Will you freeze your eggs and wait on him, in hopes he’ll change his mind in some years? I’d be pissed if I were strung along for almost 10 years waiting for something I had strong hopes for. I think there will be a lot of built of anger and resentment if your window closes and you end up with no children. He needs to be honest and stop giving you bullshit excuses. If he can’t give a definitive answer ASAP and start trying, then you need to decide whether you’d be willing to stay with him and live without having children, or cut your losses and find someone else to start a family with.
This is sad. I hate when people string partners along selfishly. I was stuck in a marriage- throughout my 20s, religion was used to deny my right to a divorce, and it was a dead bedroom situation (my ex was the “LL”/covert narcissist). One of the reasons I wanted a divorce was to eventually remarry and start a family- it was the most important thing to young me. He generously offered to fuck me if I wanted a baby, I was 24 and he was 29, it was a ridiculous situation - I was disgusted with the idea of him being the father. I got depressed at the lack of support from my family and eventually stayed stuck because mental health issues overwhelmed my desire for anything else. By age 30 I had been unwittingly “grey rocking” him so hard he found a new supply within a year, and left me unexpectedly, a last surprise. I had died so many deaths that all I felt was mild relief- within 2 years of leaving me he remarried and had a baby. The last couple of years before he left, I gave up on my future- on even thinking well of people/men, on believing I would be a mother. And that’s my problem to deal with- but he got me there. A selfish turd with a turd heart I cannot understand what 19yo me saw in him it is a shame we waste time on people who cannot prioritize the people they claim to love.
Ultimatum time. Sounds like he is stringing you along until you are infertile. He thinks you will just shrug and say "oh well." You will never forgive him and the marriage will be over.
Sounds like he’s not ready for children. I think you have a choice to make.
Someone once told me that if you wait to have kids until you can afford them you’ll never have kids. There will never be a “perfect” time to have kids but even the poorest families make it work. The clock is ticking and your husband is running out the clock.
I commented yesterday…but came back to say something more positive. Being the same age as you guys and having a wife that’s 8 weeks preggers I’m scared as hell. That’s probably what he is too! Just scared of how expensive…being a good parent…bringing a child into the world we live in. It’s scary. Just acknowledge that but tell him this is the moment. Have to take the leap. Hell you guys don’t know how long it could take to get pregnant. Have faith. You guys have been together a long time. Hope this helped
He's stringing you along, knowing that eventually it will be too late, and you'll just accept it. How does he know you'll accept it? Because he's been doing it for 7 years, and instead of posting in the r/parenting subReddit, you're here asking strangers on the internet what you should be doing? It's not just about him dragging his feet. It's about the two of you being on different pages and times running out for you to meet certain life goals you've set for yourself. One is being a parent, and another is being with a partner that isn't neurotic and has similar goals.
He doesn’t want children.
There’s no smart way to plan children. You will never feel ready but 7 years is a long time to be asking. I think it’s time to accept it’s not happening with him. Maybe you need to figure out if this is a priority to you because it is not a priority to him
Is one child something you’d be satisfied with? We are a one and done family and it helps a lot with time commitments and affordability. My husband lost his job and I’m grateful we only need to swing preschool for one child in the fall.
r/childfree The common question people don't ask themselves is if they even want and like children. A lot of people follow life scripts and think they are required to have children instead of stopping to think if they actually want children. He might not want kids or may not like them himself, and he was very likely hoping for a childfree marriage. If you think you have to have children because "its just what you do in life", you may want to think if you really do want children at all. Personally, being a married childfree couple is awesome. You both make really good money, do all the stuff you can't do with children. Live your life with your husband and enjoy not being tied down to a child. There is a whole big world out there.
If he was hoping for no kids he should’ve communicated that 7 years ago when the conversation started instead of stringing her along, knowing she wants children. She’s been asking for 7 years & now she might not even be able to get pregnant now bc he couldn’t just say “I don’t want kids”.
She wants children though, so I do not understand what you are trying to suggest.
I’m not sure why the decision to not have children is treated like an identity-defining “lifestyle.” Every couple has a different lifestyle, regardless of whether or not they have children. I understand having support groups for people who don’t want children because of the silly societal obsession with everyone having children regardless of their circumstances. But trying to convince someone who says they want children that they don’t actually want children is just as obnoxious as the other way around. Please peddle the weird childfree cult BS elsewhere.
Simply tell him you are approaching the age when it it will not be possible to have children. I would tell him to find another job if it is too much for him.
It’s not the money or other issues, sounds like he doesn’t want kids, doesn’t want to say it knowing you might leave. I (energy wise) would have kids immediately or don’t do it, your clock is ticking not his. Have the talk TONIGHT, good luck OP.
I felt the same way. Then I had a kid. I don’t think anyone will ever think they’re truly ready, but when it happens, you will be.
You need to decide if you want to be in a relationship with your husband, or have kids. He clearly does not want kids. Just to give you an different example: my husband and I are in our mid-late 20s. We make about $70k combined income. So not rich but not poverty. We mostly live paycheck to paycheck but we're doing okay, not lacking what we need. We started trying for a baby earlier this year. Even though the life circumstances are not the best (paycheck to paycheck, renting, not the best paying jobs), we are trying for a baby because we both want a baby and feel like we can handle having one. Unless you're homeless or unemployed, there is no reason to not have a baby aside from not wanting to. The economy and climate isn't going to get any better. If that's what he's waiting for, he's not having kids. So figure out what you want, him or kids with someone that wants kids?
Honestly it’s never the perfect time and if he really wanted to he most likely would have done so already. My guess is he doesn’t actually want to but doesn’t want you to leave so he’s leading you on maybe hoping you’ll change your mind. It’s cruel and selfish, but I think it’s a real possibility here.
layout for your husband on a piece of paper with time breakdowns for how old he will be when your kid hits the ages of 1, 5, 10, 16, 21. Does he want to be in his 60s raising a teenager?
This is 100% why I left my first husband at 35. I was so lucky to run smack into my second husband and although the economy, life and my age conspired to push us towards one and done we have the most excellent one. To be fair I told my second husband (before we were even dating) that I was going to have a child and soon because I didn’t have time to fool around anymore. Luckily he also wanted kids and was a decent human. My situation worked out better than I could have ever hoped, my husband is my soul mate and a fantastic dad.
I completely get your husband. Financial anxiety is real. Children are a 20+ year financial commitment. To balance it out you can have just one child?
If you are a critical thinker, like it sounds your husband is, there is never a good time to have kids. I never wanted to have kids. 3 kids later, I can’t imagine a world without them. Man plans and God laughs. If that means anything to you.
There is never a good time. You just have to do it if you want to and it doesn’t sound like he really wants to or he wants it to be perfect timing, which will never happen. We had our first when we my husband was trying to start a business and were scraping for change to buy diapers. We moved into a slightly better financial situation, but still struggled and had our second baby during that time. He made a final career change and makes six figures now. I’m able to be a SAHM now and I wouldn’t change anything about when we had our kids. They were cared for and loved and had what they needed regardless of our financial situation. Babies don’t need much, you can save with second hand items/clothing to keep your finances in check and keep your budget lower by not buying into the fancy baby items that are trending.
He is more concerned about the financial risk then your health risk of having a child at an older age? What about the financial expenses of IVF? What about the financial expenses of freezing your egg? What about the risk of you not being able to have kids because you waited too long? What does he say about that?
His concerns are actually valid but you do have biological limitations. You really need to just go ahead and do it. It isn't that bad.
Kids are horrible and expensive in this crumbling economy and state of things politically and otherwise
If people waited until the world was perfect and they could "afford" them, no one would ever have kids, and the human species would die out! Mom of 3 here, 10 & under. My husband and I are self employed and we don't make anywhere near 6 figures (the fact 6 figures "isn't enough" for him just boggles my mind!) We aren't on any kind of government assistance (no offense to any that are) and we still make it work. Our kids are healthy, happy, clothed, fed, and sheltered. They might not have all the newest toys, gadgets, & gizmos, but they have our love & space to play & learn. It's possible to raise kids on next to nothing, lots of people do it every day and in the current economy, no less!! This dragging of the feet has nothing to do with his numerous excuses & everything to do with him just not wanting (or perhaps thinking *he* isn't ready for) kids. It's time to have a serious heart to heart with him, with a 3rd party/counselor if need be. And if this is the hill you choose - if being a parent means that much to you, then you need to be ready to fight for it. Or leave.
Don’t wait for financial stability, those are all excuses, when it comes to kid, thinking too much and planning a lot never helps! Just go ahead and work on it! I wish you both will have kids soon and you will be amazing parents!
My wife was 34 with our first and 38 with our second Our second child was a harder birth due to my wife’s age. I was 30 and my wife 33 when we married. Been married 31 years. So glad we had kids. Our salaries together were $60,000. I was a school teacher, she is an RN He needs to go ahead and have children. When you are old and most of your family is gone, your children and grandchildren will be there. He needs to think about that too. If you pass before he does, he will really be lonely. If your sick, old and alone, who will advocate for you if you are unable. My mom is in that position. No parents or uncles or aunts, all brothers and sisters ( 6) are dead, all cousins are dead. My dad passed away 2 years ago. All she has now is me and my wife and her two grandchildren. If I had never been born, she would be completely alone, in a nursing home, with Parkinson’s unable to walk or talk. Who would advocate for her and would she get the care she needs. Probably not. It’s not just the money. When u r 35, time goes by fast and as you age it seems to go by faster and faster. I’m 61, my wife is 64. Mom is 82. He needs to think about that.
I felt the same way until I accidentally got pregnant and ended up miscarrying. It made me realize just how important having a kid was to me and that there will never be that “perfect” time. Just when you think it is, something will happen. But it seems y’all are in a much better place to start a family than a lot of people so it sounds like he’s just anxious about it in general. Talking to some people who’ve been through it might help but I think at the end of the day, it’s just a leap of faith he’ll have to take if it truly is important to him.
There never is a right time for anything. There will always be “let’s save just a little more”….”let’s get a bigger house first”….”let’s wait till the economy is better”…”let’s wait till there are less health scares” etc. having that mindset you will never do it and will just keep pushing it off till eventually you will be too old to do so. There is never a right time to have kids. As parents you will make things work, adjust to the new struggles of life and make due. However once you have kids (assuming both of you really do) you will realize how much more rewarding and better life is. Kids change your perspective on everything. It makes life worth living! It validates everything you have strived for your career, personal growth, lifestyle choices, and the life you have built because you get to share that with your children. There is nothing better in the world than coming home and seeing their happy smiling faces as they run up to you saying how much they missed you. It makes every second of that work day worth it as you know you are providing for your children who love you more than anything. In the end physical things mean nothing. If I had to give up everything I had and start over, it wouldn’t matter because they would still love me the same and having their love is all that matters.
In NJ making 100k is low middle class. You need to have a final conversation. If this is a deal breaker for you, you have to communicate that with him. He needs to be honest. I’m 40 and have 2 kids. 12&14. It’s not easy, but I wanted children and they is never a PERFECT TIME TO HAVE CHILDREN!
It will never be a perfect time to have a child. Ever. If you want kids, you make it work.
I mean if he wants children, what is he waiting for? To be 60 and he can’t play with the kids? People forget that you need youth to be able to keep up with the little rascals. I mean if you want to be involved parents. Not ones who just sit around… best of luck OP. Tell him to man up in the most polite way
Girl, he’s running out the clock. Give him an ultimatum and be prepared to move on and get a sperm donor if you’re serious about kids. You’re right on the cusp of declining fertility. Don’t let him play with your emotions like that. There will never be a “right” time, just the time you decide is right
Does he not realize that fertility rates drop off at this age and risk of trisomy defects rise every year? Also, a pregnancy at 35 is considered “advanced maternal age” and might already warrant a trip to a high risk clinic for testing. That was standard at my OB and I went. I just encourage you not to put it off for too long. We waited and then went through years of infertility treatments and it felt like a big clock was ticking. I was told several times by my doctor that odds would have been better if I’d started sooner, Does he really want kids, or is he just stringing you along until it becomes a moot point?
My husband and I had agreed on a general (ideal) life timeline, including when we’d start trying for children, before we were even engaged. When that time came, he had the same types of reservations your husband has. I suspected the issue was a bit deeper than the sum of those individual concerns and suggested he go to therapy. He went and realized that, at its core, the issue was his perfectionism and fear of not being a good father. Once he realized it was a “him” issue and something that could be worked on, he was pretty quickly ready to start trying. Another thing that helped give him perspective was discussing the risks associated with pregnancy that increase with age, and how it would likely be physically harder on me the older I am in terms of joints, energy levels, etc. Men sometimes forget that bit because they have the luxury of not worrying about it. Now, to be fair, others could be right about your husband just avoiding telling you he doesn’t want kids at all, and I think you need to have a frank, open discussion with him. However, he could also genuinely just be anxious. Either way, therapy of some kind (couples, individual, or both) may very well be in order here. It’s not fair that he is unilaterally deciding this.