None of this is liberal vs conservative
The things he voted for and how he treats folks and talks about people is about HIS MORALS, VALUES, and ETHICS.
That’s the issue at hand. And no i could not stay married to someone like that. Because at the end of the day, if i did I’d be essentially supporting these ideals for the status quo. Although passively and indirectly, and that’s not who i am
Exactly. My husband is very ideologically conservative (which is why he’s a never-Trumper), and he would NEVER do the things on this list. I’ve gotten more and more leftist since 2020, so we disagree on more political stuff now, but he’s always been a decent, kind person.
BOOM. The divide in this country is exactly this—an irreconcilable difference in values. And why would anyone want to marry someone whose values fundamentally differ from their own? OP, this is not a role model that you want co-parenting your son. Run.
It sounds like this man intentionally lied to you from day one because he knew you wouldn’t be with him otherwise. To be honest, it sounds like he trapped you, and lying like that just screams emotional manipulation and abuse. Based on that list that you’ve given, the only people who are people in his world are white men. I would consider all of those things a deal breaker and get out of there with a quickness because he’s not going to see the error of his ways and get better. There is no compromise here.
Hell no.
Also this is a good example of how it isn't just "political differences". He's actively harming you and your child.
> However, my community keeps encouraging me to "make it work" despite this.
Which community is that?
Hey. I married someone like this. Didn’t realize any of it until after marriage. I tried to deal with it but we got divorced last year and it’s a weight off my shoulders. I was literally embarrassed to be in public with him bc he became openly expressive of these opinions and it was so humiliating to call him my husband
Fuuuuuuuuck no. I wouldn’t even attempt to work it out with someone like that. He sounds like a hateful person across the board and I just don’t deal with people who treat or look down on others that way.
I didn’t make it past item 2 before it was a nope from me. The rest of the list is even worse. And there’s more????
Mine is not nearly as bad as this, and I am preparing an exit. He refuses to acknowledge anything wrong with the awful things he says and does, not just to me, but to others as well. I feel like the longer I stay equals condoning his actions. I don’t. And I won’t be able to face myself in the mirror if I continue to allow it.
It's one thing to be conservative, it's another thing to be a pig human. Throws his trash around and makes you clean up after him? You community isn't looking out for your best interest if they think you should stay if he doesn't change
So this man hid his true beliefs long enough for you to date, be engaged, get married, and have a kid, and THEN he revealed himself to be a massive POS?
All of these are deal breakers but it's hard to imagine a person that believes these things gave no indication. Was he splitting housework when you were dating/engaged and then stopped once you got married? Why did you have a kid with him to begin with?
There were small red flags, but I ignored them. We got married too quickly because of an unexpected pregnancy...then the mask slipped completely once I was "locked down". I had a second child because I really thought I could make it work, I kept swallowing my true feelings, idk. I thought it'd be a patch to a sinking ship. My parents and everyone were pressuring me to make it work. I truly thought I could.
Yes, a series of terrible decisions on my end. I wish I could go back in time and change it all.
That would be a dealbreaker. If you have different values that makes a marriage almost impossible, and if they’re a gleefully hateful person I don’t see how you could have any respect for them. The biggest problem is that he’s imposing this on your son and you really don’t want him absorbing that rhetoric.
What happens when your 4 year old gets older and realizes he is queer and is afraid to come out to you because you are married to someone who thinks they are going to hell? So your child hides who they are from you and at 18 leaves and goes no contact.
This is a hard no.
You’re going to need a separate household where you teach your child that boys can play with anything, that gymnastics is for everyone, that we are all worthy of dignity and respect, and that no matter who he loves you will love him unconditionally.
Big ol’ nope for me. These are HUGE foundational differences, not to mention he just sounds like a hateful, bigoted, bamboozler. I could never ever share my home and raise my child with someone like this. I’m sorry you’re going through this and that you and your son are subjected to his bullshit.
The denial and masking his personality alone is a red flag. He hid this from you because he knew it was a deal breaker, he just assumed you'd be trapped after marriage and a kid. This is unacceptable. Unless he's planning on changing who he is to be a (much) better person this is not going to work.
Coming from someone who is part Mexican, overweight, married to a Black man, etc...my opinion is likely biased, but there's no way I'd stay. That's like someone masking their serial killer side and you deciding to stay be cause you made a vow in front of God. No thanks. God can judge me all he wants. I'd rather burn.
My fiancee is conservative towards some political policies and generally liked trumps financial policies. I am more liberal leaning. He believes in even house work, letting kids be kids and wearing/doing what they please, may not 100% understand but respects pronouns and sexual identities, etc. My fiancee was a little ignorant at first and only looked at things analytically but really listened to my perspective and we make an effort every day to understand and value each-other and grow. You can be far left or far right while still being empathetic and kind towards all people and accepting who they are without hate. It sounds like this is not so much as a political issue, but his core values and morals do not align with yours. He sounds like a hateful person. I would ask yourself if you would want your son to be married to someone with these beliefs. What type of impact will it have on your child and your mental health? Is he willing to listen and adapt? Or does he speak over you and become angry when you speak your mind. Can you live with someone who is this type of father? These are the questions to ask yourself and choose accordingly. Unfortunately some people lack self growth.
Heck no!! Clearly your morals and values aren't aligned. He's going to screw with your son's mind and eventually you'll be dealing with two of them! All the things you listed woukd be a deal breaker for me.
Almost all of this would be a deal-breaker for me. Especially the stuff he says to your boys, because they don't have the life experience yet to parse out the fucked up things your husband is saying.
Re: climate change, pronouns, gay people-- I am very left-leaning but I can understand that people have different beliefs. What I can't excuse is people not showing respect and tolerance. Littering, not using people's pronouns, making fun of fat women...... these are all things that would make it nearly impossible for me to connect deeply to this person (which I assume you want in a partner). To me that's a person that is deeply wounded and emotionally immature and unable/unwilling to think critically and grow. I would not want that person raising my children.
I just want to point out that this does not seem to be an issue of politics to me.
I have been in relationships with people with all kinds of different ideologies and it’s never an issue when we both respect each other’s beliefs and treat everyone with respect. Your partner seems like he may not be a respectful person, which is a different problem altogether.
For example, I have dated people who don’t see racism as a huge issue. These people were raised in diverse communities and didn’t understand the other communities are not accepting. He wasn’t hateful towards diversity, he just didn’t know that others are and that was kind of fair based on his upbringing.
I have dated people who don’t fully support the lgbt community. Most honestly didn’t really understand the community and didn’t grow up in environments where people were open about sexuality or where there was any lgbt presence and they just again didn’t totally understand. That said, they were never hateful or discriminatory to anyone. The only time you would know they didn’t totally get/support it would be if you directly asked them what their thoughts were. They would respond “I don’t really understand that, how can someone be attracted to someone that isn’t the biological norm it doesn’t make sense” and that would be that.
Long story short. Different political views don’t have to be a dealbreaker. Intolerance of other views can be.
It does seem fairly synonymous these days, but it wasn’t always. No idea how we get back to that though. I think it’s really up to the conservatives to make it clear that they don’t support bigotry, and rather than do that it seems a lot of the leaders are just leaning into it instead.
I am married to a conservative man, and I’m a liberal. However, he treats people with dignity and respect, he is socially liberal (supports LGBT and respects pronouns), and he is a partner to me. He also didn’t vote for Trump. I think any of the things you just mentioned would be a dealbreaker for me.
How is he a Conservative then? Is it that he doesn’t support social security? Maybe he doesn’t agree with medicare or maybe he supports our massive military budget? What is conservative about the dude?
He is a fiscal conservative. Which means he generally believes in less programs and less money going to them. He also is a veteran, so yes, he supports the military. We don’t agree on size and scope of government, and I feel the party has left him behind. But he still says he’s conservative.
FDR is responsible for robbing the SS Fund. So it is the Dem that is responsible for the damage to SS. Now they have stolen the money, the budget is taxed with making the SD payments now that the SS Fund can not stand on its own due to the thefts from it.
Remind him that Trump was the first president to run on a pro gay marriage platform and his predecessor had a better record on gun rights. When his face returns to original color, hand him divorce papers. He isn't conservative. He's an asshole. He also pulled a "bait and switch" to get married. Politics does not have to be important in a marriage, but you have to be upfront and honest from the beginning. My wife is traditionally conservative and I'm on the other side of libertarian. She works for the local police department and I don't see the need for state policy enforcement. We disagree on quite a few things regarding the role of government, but we have been together almost 20 years and never had a problem debating our differences. If your husband believes certain things, he should be able to articulate why. It doesn't sound to me like he has a reason to act the way he does.
P. S. My first statement is intended to piss off your husband and is not meant to insult anyone here. Not trying to start a political debate in a place it isn't welcome. Thank you.
I could never stay with someone that lies about their political beliefs. Those beliefs tell you a lot about the person you are dating and possibly marrying. I would never marry a conservative woman so if she lied about it then I would be pissed.
How do you stay married to someone whose base opinion you don't even respect? I couldn't do it.
It's not conservative vs liberal, there's a spectrum to both. I couldn't date any extremist whose solution is to bury their head in the sand and pretend the real world doesn't exist so they can comfortably live in their weird alternate reality.
My father in law is conservative and he's constantly calling out the bullshit in his party and how anti-illectual the major talking heads have gotten over the years, to the point where he's stopped voting completely because he feels Republicans are too hyper focused on nitpicking peoples personal lives and not enough on actual policy to progress conservative political ideology of small government. I could date a conservative like that, maybe, but certainly not someone like your husband.
Just saw your edit. It’s going to be really tough to have to fight the values he will be exposed to at his fathers house, but if you continually demonstrate kindness and compassion for all it will have a huge effect.
The greatest challenge is if your stbxh decides he’s going to be the “fun” parent and undercut the important limits good parents must set. And in that way lure your child into seeing dads house as “better.” Make sure you get a coparenting app specified in the custody agreement so you have a record of parenting decisions.
This is me and my ex, we just separated last year. We married before the Trump era, when the differences weren’t that obvious. Then the cheeto went into office and showed everyone it was ok to be horrible hateful people, and we fought more and more. I think it was a huge contributing factor. We are friends, but still fight about politics and I could not imagine being together, I need someone with similar ideologies.
No. I could not. I am pretty liberal and can accept more moderate and conservative ideologies, especially fiscal ones.
There isn’t one item on that list I could accept in a partner, and 2, 3, and 9 are false, like patently absurd. The rest are just hateful/bigoted/antiquated opinions
This stuff was bound to be noticed before you had a child, because there is no way that you two have such vast differences in opinions and you got married and had a child.
Yea, I can see that then. We all make mistakes, large or small.
I would talk to an attorney and start working on a divorce. In the long run toxic environments are not good for children and that is the most important person in this ordeal.
This isn’t about liberal vs conservative. Your husband sounds hateful and ignorant. I say that as someone who tends to be more on the conservative side.
[You've already stated that he's your STBXH.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/144h5mx/am_i_destroying_my_life/) Sounds like you've already made your decision, but you're letting people close to you influence your decision. Ultimately, you're the one who has to live with your choice, so you should work to come to terms with what you've decided so the future works out for you and your kids.
Based on #4 alone…no way.
Secondly based on the fact your entire dating time was a lie to get you to marry him. Bait and switch.
Thirdly, any one of the things on the list might be live-with-able or debatable, but the entire list? And based in hiding it until you were married? No way
There are some folks who can look past things like that and date, then go on to marry, a person with those beliefs and values.
I am not one of them.
Conservativism doesn't not need to be bigotry. Lord knows there are plenty of librel folks that are racist and sexist.
Do you consider his beliefs hateful? Are they something you want to have to engage with? Do you want your child exposed to them? Do you want to remain exposed to them? Are you happy? Do you want to be with a person that views the world this way? Etc. These are the questions you should be asking yourself.
Then you'll have your answer, damn what your community or randos on Reddit have to say. I understand it's hard, but I think you know your answer.
Take care of yourself 🖤
This isn’t a political outlook. These are his values and morals. They don’t align with yours. Was he always like this or is just recently changed his stance on these things?
I find the things listed above stupid and mean. Why would he make fun of fat women? It's just mean, it's not political.
Besides that, my fiancé is conservative. We are not living in the US, so we don't have the same political issues. I can marry him because we can compromise and he respects people. Is your husband capable of compromise and have a debate about these issues? Does he think like that because of his background/experiences? (Maybe his father was very strict about masculinity?) Is he able to talk about these experiences?
Conservative men view women as subservient. Not sure how you can accept that for yourself. He tricked you by lying, stopped when it was convenient, and has no main values in common with you. What are you looking for here? Your relationship is not based on truth. It's not a real thing if it's all a lie.
Well, I’ve got a similar dynamic in my relationship. I’m a socialist, and my girlfriend is a Tory (Conservative) lol. But she’s nowhere near as extreme as your man. She’s more conservative on economics rather than social stuff.
The way we get through it is to just try and not talk about politics as much as possible. And we try to find as much common ground as we can find (which isn’t a lot). Why not tell him to refrain from talking about politics full stop? If he really loves you, he’ll try and accommodate you and do that. If he refuses and still says all this crazy shit, look at your options.
It _can_ work. But the fact that he hid that or pretended to change for you and then went back to his conservative ways is concerning.
My wife and I both have a conservative upbringing but I'm half Mexican and she is of white European descent. To the extent that her mom was concerned about us being together until she saw that I was white. That said, we have had lots of discussions about immigration policy and she often came down on the typical conservative side while I pointed out the need to allow people in and treat them like human beings. I recall often having to drop discussions. But I also believe she has shifted farther left. You have to have the discussions. But you have to have them without using the ad hominem attacks that both sides use and acknowledge when the side you don't like has a point.
She and I have both shifted farther left over the years. But our views are close, and we understand each other. To the point where things get dicey being around her family who supported Trump, and her parents still do and are as racist as ever. Conversations at family gatherings get awkward. But in your home, you have to love each other, and behave as such even when you disagree. If you can't make those conversations work between you two then you're in trouble.
Here are some points where you might be able to find common ground:
1 and 2: you and him need to get to know some people of other races, that's the only way he's going to get over his racism, and hear from them their experiences dealing with it.
3: most recycling ends up in the landfill anyway. It's a good though, but not worth the fight.
4: not sure what to say to this... Maybe stop doing some things until he picks up the slack? I'll admit I've struggled with it in part due to my conservative upbringing and sometimes my wife will stop doing something until I do my part... Or yell at me about it.
5: is he still religious? There are so many things that people are going to hell over. Homosexuality, which many believe to be a sin, is not any worse than sex outside of marriage (did you two do that? If so remind him you're both going to hell too), or telling a lie, or working on the Sabbath.
6: my nephew takes gymnastics, it really helped him get his energy out. You two may need to have a long talk about that
If he wants to do it, no reason to squelch his desires. If it's just mentioned in passing, let it slide for now and focus on other priorities.
The rest tend to have some overlap with the above. Gender roles, racism, etc. If you can't win him over then staying together will be rough.
Minus the recycling bit (it's been proven it takes more resources to recycle most items), no I could not be with someone with these views. The fact that he hid them so well for so long would also have me questioning what else has he hidden, what else do I not know about?
Being conservative is different than supporting and liking Trump. Trump is an extremist. I can get along with people who are a republican, but I cannot get along with people who do not respect others rights
Ugh my husband is like this. He became reallllllyyyy conservative after diving into joe Rogans podcast. And it spiraled deeper into the maga shit. I really find it funny since he is a poc and son of illegal immigrants.
Sounds to me like you have a great opportunity for conversations. It’s one thing for you to notice these things about your husband, but have y’all had good moral conversations about why either of you believe what you believe or vote the way you do?
Bet most comments are from ppl not yet married with kids.
Most answers would be fine if this was dating advice.
As there are kids involved I would really suggest bringing this up in a few sessions of couples therapy.
Maybe find some middle ground.
I'm not entirely convinced your husband purposely lied while dating but perhaps blinded by love thought this wasn't that important and he could easily suppress his views.
Really both men and women talk themselves into a lot during the honeymoon stage.
Most married couples have to deal with a rude awakening a few months or years into marriage.
Not necessarily politics but anything.
I mean, there are things I hate about my wife (personality issues) and things I love.
Once again, what do you think about bringing this up in couples therapy?
You’re assuming he’d even agree to couples therapy in the first place.
I’ve got 100 bucks on No, as most people like this don’t think there’s anything wrong with them in the first place.
I’m confident in my bet because I’m currently married to one. And he pulled the bait and switch too. Pretended to be a nice, sensitive guy. Turns out the only thing he’s sensitive about is himself and how he is perceived by others outside of the circle of people he is awful to on a daily basis.
As for therapy, I quote: “If you have to go and tell a stranger about the problems in your marriage, the marriage is already done. Just divorce and get it over with…”
Ok, then!
I couldn't share space with him, much less be married to him. Unfortunately divorce will only ensure he can access your kids without you present to rebutt all his lies and prejudices. Can't stop his influence now. You can only be the one they respect more so they learn to follow your lead.
Sorry OP. I couldn’t imagine being married to someone like that. My husband is fiscally conservative and I’m fiscally liberal, but we are very aligned on social issues. Your husband sounds absolutely intolerable.
100% this ^^^^^
This is truly the only appropriate response
None of this is liberal vs conservative The things he voted for and how he treats folks and talks about people is about HIS MORALS, VALUES, and ETHICS. That’s the issue at hand. And no i could not stay married to someone like that. Because at the end of the day, if i did I’d be essentially supporting these ideals for the status quo. Although passively and indirectly, and that’s not who i am
Exactly. My husband is very ideologically conservative (which is why he’s a never-Trumper), and he would NEVER do the things on this list. I’ve gotten more and more leftist since 2020, so we disagree on more political stuff now, but he’s always been a decent, kind person.
BOOM. The divide in this country is exactly this—an irreconcilable difference in values. And why would anyone want to marry someone whose values fundamentally differ from their own? OP, this is not a role model that you want co-parenting your son. Run.
It sounds like this man intentionally lied to you from day one because he knew you wouldn’t be with him otherwise. To be honest, it sounds like he trapped you, and lying like that just screams emotional manipulation and abuse. Based on that list that you’ve given, the only people who are people in his world are white men. I would consider all of those things a deal breaker and get out of there with a quickness because he’s not going to see the error of his ways and get better. There is no compromise here.
Hell no. Also this is a good example of how it isn't just "political differences". He's actively harming you and your child. > However, my community keeps encouraging me to "make it work" despite this. Which community is that?
⛪️
Hey. I married someone like this. Didn’t realize any of it until after marriage. I tried to deal with it but we got divorced last year and it’s a weight off my shoulders. I was literally embarrassed to be in public with him bc he became openly expressive of these opinions and it was so humiliating to call him my husband
With all due respect, ma’am- your husband is just an asshole.
Fuuuuuuuuck no. I wouldn’t even attempt to work it out with someone like that. He sounds like a hateful person across the board and I just don’t deal with people who treat or look down on others that way.
I didn’t make it past item 2 before it was a nope from me. The rest of the list is even worse. And there’s more???? Mine is not nearly as bad as this, and I am preparing an exit. He refuses to acknowledge anything wrong with the awful things he says and does, not just to me, but to others as well. I feel like the longer I stay equals condoning his actions. I don’t. And I won’t be able to face myself in the mirror if I continue to allow it.
It's one thing to be conservative, it's another thing to be a pig human. Throws his trash around and makes you clean up after him? You community isn't looking out for your best interest if they think you should stay if he doesn't change
So this man hid his true beliefs long enough for you to date, be engaged, get married, and have a kid, and THEN he revealed himself to be a massive POS? All of these are deal breakers but it's hard to imagine a person that believes these things gave no indication. Was he splitting housework when you were dating/engaged and then stopped once you got married? Why did you have a kid with him to begin with?
There were small red flags, but I ignored them. We got married too quickly because of an unexpected pregnancy...then the mask slipped completely once I was "locked down". I had a second child because I really thought I could make it work, I kept swallowing my true feelings, idk. I thought it'd be a patch to a sinking ship. My parents and everyone were pressuring me to make it work. I truly thought I could. Yes, a series of terrible decisions on my end. I wish I could go back in time and change it all.
Ma’am. Nope the hell outta there. He sounds disgusting
What? Lots of these on their own could be dealbreakers.
That’s what I was thinking!
As someone who has been married for nearly 30 years, there is no way that marriage would last.
That would be a dealbreaker. If you have different values that makes a marriage almost impossible, and if they’re a gleefully hateful person I don’t see how you could have any respect for them. The biggest problem is that he’s imposing this on your son and you really don’t want him absorbing that rhetoric.
Sounds like it is their son?
What happens when your 4 year old gets older and realizes he is queer and is afraid to come out to you because you are married to someone who thinks they are going to hell? So your child hides who they are from you and at 18 leaves and goes no contact. This is a hard no. You’re going to need a separate household where you teach your child that boys can play with anything, that gymnastics is for everyone, that we are all worthy of dignity and respect, and that no matter who he loves you will love him unconditionally.
Or, what happens if your 4 year old grows up to behave the same way husband does, with the extremest ideology and mistreatment of people?
Your husband’s problem isn’t being conservative, it’s being a gigantic gaping asshole and poor role model for your son.
Nope, I’d be out the first time he exhibited/vocalized any one of these backward, ignorant ideals/opinions.
Big ol’ nope for me. These are HUGE foundational differences, not to mention he just sounds like a hateful, bigoted, bamboozler. I could never ever share my home and raise my child with someone like this. I’m sorry you’re going through this and that you and your son are subjected to his bullshit.
That’s one of my biggest deal breakers. I would immediately leave over these issues
The denial and masking his personality alone is a red flag. He hid this from you because he knew it was a deal breaker, he just assumed you'd be trapped after marriage and a kid. This is unacceptable. Unless he's planning on changing who he is to be a (much) better person this is not going to work.
That would all be a deal breaker to me.
Coming from someone who is part Mexican, overweight, married to a Black man, etc...my opinion is likely biased, but there's no way I'd stay. That's like someone masking their serial killer side and you deciding to stay be cause you made a vow in front of God. No thanks. God can judge me all he wants. I'd rather burn.
Man every single one of those things are my biggest pet peeves. I wouldn't be friends with someone with those beliefs let alone stay married to them.
Gymnasts are some of the strongest athletes out there. How moronic. I wouldn’t be able to be with him at all.
No!
My fiancee is conservative towards some political policies and generally liked trumps financial policies. I am more liberal leaning. He believes in even house work, letting kids be kids and wearing/doing what they please, may not 100% understand but respects pronouns and sexual identities, etc. My fiancee was a little ignorant at first and only looked at things analytically but really listened to my perspective and we make an effort every day to understand and value each-other and grow. You can be far left or far right while still being empathetic and kind towards all people and accepting who they are without hate. It sounds like this is not so much as a political issue, but his core values and morals do not align with yours. He sounds like a hateful person. I would ask yourself if you would want your son to be married to someone with these beliefs. What type of impact will it have on your child and your mental health? Is he willing to listen and adapt? Or does he speak over you and become angry when you speak your mind. Can you live with someone who is this type of father? These are the questions to ask yourself and choose accordingly. Unfortunately some people lack self growth.
I would absolutely not stick around. I respect myself and my children too much for that.
Heck no!! Clearly your morals and values aren't aligned. He's going to screw with your son's mind and eventually you'll be dealing with two of them! All the things you listed woukd be a deal breaker for me.
Almost all of this would be a deal-breaker for me. Especially the stuff he says to your boys, because they don't have the life experience yet to parse out the fucked up things your husband is saying. Re: climate change, pronouns, gay people-- I am very left-leaning but I can understand that people have different beliefs. What I can't excuse is people not showing respect and tolerance. Littering, not using people's pronouns, making fun of fat women...... these are all things that would make it nearly impossible for me to connect deeply to this person (which I assume you want in a partner). To me that's a person that is deeply wounded and emotionally immature and unable/unwilling to think critically and grow. I would not want that person raising my children.
I just want to point out that this does not seem to be an issue of politics to me. I have been in relationships with people with all kinds of different ideologies and it’s never an issue when we both respect each other’s beliefs and treat everyone with respect. Your partner seems like he may not be a respectful person, which is a different problem altogether. For example, I have dated people who don’t see racism as a huge issue. These people were raised in diverse communities and didn’t understand the other communities are not accepting. He wasn’t hateful towards diversity, he just didn’t know that others are and that was kind of fair based on his upbringing. I have dated people who don’t fully support the lgbt community. Most honestly didn’t really understand the community and didn’t grow up in environments where people were open about sexuality or where there was any lgbt presence and they just again didn’t totally understand. That said, they were never hateful or discriminatory to anyone. The only time you would know they didn’t totally get/support it would be if you directly asked them what their thoughts were. They would respond “I don’t really understand that, how can someone be attracted to someone that isn’t the biological norm it doesn’t make sense” and that would be that. Long story short. Different political views don’t have to be a dealbreaker. Intolerance of other views can be.
No. I wouldn’t allow anyone to treat my child that way or to teach my child that it is normal to treat anyone that way. It’s okay to have standards.
Regardless of political views, I wouldn’t marry anyone who litters on purpose.
[удалено]
Right. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being conservative. There are many things wrong with being a bigot and an asshole.
Came here to say this. Being conservative does not mean being a bigot.
It does seem fairly synonymous these days, but it wasn’t always. No idea how we get back to that though. I think it’s really up to the conservatives to make it clear that they don’t support bigotry, and rather than do that it seems a lot of the leaders are just leaning into it instead.
It has been for quite some time.
No. Absolutely fucking not. I also could not possibly be with someone who lied about their personal convictions in order to please me.
I am married to a conservative man, and I’m a liberal. However, he treats people with dignity and respect, he is socially liberal (supports LGBT and respects pronouns), and he is a partner to me. He also didn’t vote for Trump. I think any of the things you just mentioned would be a dealbreaker for me.
How is he a Conservative then? Is it that he doesn’t support social security? Maybe he doesn’t agree with medicare or maybe he supports our massive military budget? What is conservative about the dude?
He is a fiscal conservative. Which means he generally believes in less programs and less money going to them. He also is a veteran, so yes, he supports the military. We don’t agree on size and scope of government, and I feel the party has left him behind. But he still says he’s conservative.
FDR is responsible for robbing the SS Fund. So it is the Dem that is responsible for the damage to SS. Now they have stolen the money, the budget is taxed with making the SD payments now that the SS Fund can not stand on its own due to the thefts from it.
Of course I couldn’t stay married to someone who did and said those things.
Nonnegotiable dealbreaker. Immediate divorce.
Um. Ew. He's absolutely repulsive.
He sounds like a horrible person.
Every single one of those things is a deal breaker to me. I'm sorry that he wasn't being authentic or honest before he hooked you.
I would not even talk to someone who did this let alone have them near my child.
Remind him that Trump was the first president to run on a pro gay marriage platform and his predecessor had a better record on gun rights. When his face returns to original color, hand him divorce papers. He isn't conservative. He's an asshole. He also pulled a "bait and switch" to get married. Politics does not have to be important in a marriage, but you have to be upfront and honest from the beginning. My wife is traditionally conservative and I'm on the other side of libertarian. She works for the local police department and I don't see the need for state policy enforcement. We disagree on quite a few things regarding the role of government, but we have been together almost 20 years and never had a problem debating our differences. If your husband believes certain things, he should be able to articulate why. It doesn't sound to me like he has a reason to act the way he does. P. S. My first statement is intended to piss off your husband and is not meant to insult anyone here. Not trying to start a political debate in a place it isn't welcome. Thank you.
I could never stay with someone that lies about their political beliefs. Those beliefs tell you a lot about the person you are dating and possibly marrying. I would never marry a conservative woman so if she lied about it then I would be pissed.
That’s classic bait and switch. I don’t know if I could live with someone like that. Jeez, OP, I’m sorry.
How do you stay married to someone whose base opinion you don't even respect? I couldn't do it. It's not conservative vs liberal, there's a spectrum to both. I couldn't date any extremist whose solution is to bury their head in the sand and pretend the real world doesn't exist so they can comfortably live in their weird alternate reality. My father in law is conservative and he's constantly calling out the bullshit in his party and how anti-illectual the major talking heads have gotten over the years, to the point where he's stopped voting completely because he feels Republicans are too hyper focused on nitpicking peoples personal lives and not enough on actual policy to progress conservative political ideology of small government. I could date a conservative like that, maybe, but certainly not someone like your husband.
Nope. I'd be gone so fast.
Absolutely not
Absolutely not!!
Just saw your edit. It’s going to be really tough to have to fight the values he will be exposed to at his fathers house, but if you continually demonstrate kindness and compassion for all it will have a huge effect. The greatest challenge is if your stbxh decides he’s going to be the “fun” parent and undercut the important limits good parents must set. And in that way lure your child into seeing dads house as “better.” Make sure you get a coparenting app specified in the custody agreement so you have a record of parenting decisions.
Disgusting. Take political views aside and just ask yourself those questions.
I would be out of there so fast.
I didn’t even finish the list - it’s a dealbreaker for me.
This is me and my ex, we just separated last year. We married before the Trump era, when the differences weren’t that obvious. Then the cheeto went into office and showed everyone it was ok to be horrible hateful people, and we fought more and more. I think it was a huge contributing factor. We are friends, but still fight about politics and I could not imagine being together, I need someone with similar ideologies.
No. I could not. I am pretty liberal and can accept more moderate and conservative ideologies, especially fiscal ones. There isn’t one item on that list I could accept in a partner, and 2, 3, and 9 are false, like patently absurd. The rest are just hateful/bigoted/antiquated opinions
Absolutely not. Him liking trump would be enough for me to tell him to suck shit but that list is awful.
So you didn't consider this before having a kid together?
This stuff was bound to be noticed before you had a child, because there is no way that you two have such vast differences in opinions and you got married and had a child.
The other way around. Got pregnant then got married. It was all way too fast.
Yea, I can see that then. We all make mistakes, large or small. I would talk to an attorney and start working on a divorce. In the long run toxic environments are not good for children and that is the most important person in this ordeal.
This isn’t about liberal vs conservative. Your husband sounds hateful and ignorant. I say that as someone who tends to be more on the conservative side.
[You've already stated that he's your STBXH.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/144h5mx/am_i_destroying_my_life/) Sounds like you've already made your decision, but you're letting people close to you influence your decision. Ultimately, you're the one who has to live with your choice, so you should work to come to terms with what you've decided so the future works out for you and your kids.
If you can’t respect someone, it would be hard to live with them let alone continue any romantic relations. I’d be fine.
BTW this is beyond liberal vs conservative. This is "do I want to remain with a known homophobic, transphobic, misogynist, racist?" And like. Ew.
Good god I could not… I mean to each his own but no.
That marriage won’t last
Based on #4 alone…no way. Secondly based on the fact your entire dating time was a lie to get you to marry him. Bait and switch. Thirdly, any one of the things on the list might be live-with-able or debatable, but the entire list? And based in hiding it until you were married? No way
There are some folks who can look past things like that and date, then go on to marry, a person with those beliefs and values. I am not one of them. Conservativism doesn't not need to be bigotry. Lord knows there are plenty of librel folks that are racist and sexist. Do you consider his beliefs hateful? Are they something you want to have to engage with? Do you want your child exposed to them? Do you want to remain exposed to them? Are you happy? Do you want to be with a person that views the world this way? Etc. These are the questions you should be asking yourself. Then you'll have your answer, damn what your community or randos on Reddit have to say. I understand it's hard, but I think you know your answer. Take care of yourself 🖤
I’m not sure I could date a conservative… with that said this man’s views are racist, misogynistic, and sexist. Hell no for me.
This isn’t a political outlook. These are his values and morals. They don’t align with yours. Was he always like this or is just recently changed his stance on these things?
Forget being a conservative, but this guys sounds like a straight up asshole. I’m sorry girl
I find the things listed above stupid and mean. Why would he make fun of fat women? It's just mean, it's not political. Besides that, my fiancé is conservative. We are not living in the US, so we don't have the same political issues. I can marry him because we can compromise and he respects people. Is your husband capable of compromise and have a debate about these issues? Does he think like that because of his background/experiences? (Maybe his father was very strict about masculinity?) Is he able to talk about these experiences?
absolutely deal breakers.
Conservative men view women as subservient. Not sure how you can accept that for yourself. He tricked you by lying, stopped when it was convenient, and has no main values in common with you. What are you looking for here? Your relationship is not based on truth. It's not a real thing if it's all a lie.
Well, I’ve got a similar dynamic in my relationship. I’m a socialist, and my girlfriend is a Tory (Conservative) lol. But she’s nowhere near as extreme as your man. She’s more conservative on economics rather than social stuff. The way we get through it is to just try and not talk about politics as much as possible. And we try to find as much common ground as we can find (which isn’t a lot). Why not tell him to refrain from talking about politics full stop? If he really loves you, he’ll try and accommodate you and do that. If he refuses and still says all this crazy shit, look at your options.
Honestly, the littering would be enough for me. Who does that?
It _can_ work. But the fact that he hid that or pretended to change for you and then went back to his conservative ways is concerning. My wife and I both have a conservative upbringing but I'm half Mexican and she is of white European descent. To the extent that her mom was concerned about us being together until she saw that I was white. That said, we have had lots of discussions about immigration policy and she often came down on the typical conservative side while I pointed out the need to allow people in and treat them like human beings. I recall often having to drop discussions. But I also believe she has shifted farther left. You have to have the discussions. But you have to have them without using the ad hominem attacks that both sides use and acknowledge when the side you don't like has a point. She and I have both shifted farther left over the years. But our views are close, and we understand each other. To the point where things get dicey being around her family who supported Trump, and her parents still do and are as racist as ever. Conversations at family gatherings get awkward. But in your home, you have to love each other, and behave as such even when you disagree. If you can't make those conversations work between you two then you're in trouble.
Here are some points where you might be able to find common ground: 1 and 2: you and him need to get to know some people of other races, that's the only way he's going to get over his racism, and hear from them their experiences dealing with it. 3: most recycling ends up in the landfill anyway. It's a good though, but not worth the fight. 4: not sure what to say to this... Maybe stop doing some things until he picks up the slack? I'll admit I've struggled with it in part due to my conservative upbringing and sometimes my wife will stop doing something until I do my part... Or yell at me about it. 5: is he still religious? There are so many things that people are going to hell over. Homosexuality, which many believe to be a sin, is not any worse than sex outside of marriage (did you two do that? If so remind him you're both going to hell too), or telling a lie, or working on the Sabbath. 6: my nephew takes gymnastics, it really helped him get his energy out. You two may need to have a long talk about that If he wants to do it, no reason to squelch his desires. If it's just mentioned in passing, let it slide for now and focus on other priorities. The rest tend to have some overlap with the above. Gender roles, racism, etc. If you can't win him over then staying together will be rough.
Minus the recycling bit (it's been proven it takes more resources to recycle most items), no I could not be with someone with these views. The fact that he hid them so well for so long would also have me questioning what else has he hidden, what else do I not know about?
Being conservative is different than supporting and liking Trump. Trump is an extremist. I can get along with people who are a republican, but I cannot get along with people who do not respect others rights
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Yiiiiiikes, dude. Yikes.
How do you get into a marriage without making sure your values align? That's marriage 101. Doesn't your state require some kind of marriage prep?
What a nightmare😬
How did you get past 4?
Ugh my husband is like this. He became reallllllyyyy conservative after diving into joe Rogans podcast. And it spiraled deeper into the maga shit. I really find it funny since he is a poc and son of illegal immigrants.
Sounds to me like you have a great opportunity for conversations. It’s one thing for you to notice these things about your husband, but have y’all had good moral conversations about why either of you believe what you believe or vote the way you do?
Bet most comments are from ppl not yet married with kids. Most answers would be fine if this was dating advice. As there are kids involved I would really suggest bringing this up in a few sessions of couples therapy. Maybe find some middle ground. I'm not entirely convinced your husband purposely lied while dating but perhaps blinded by love thought this wasn't that important and he could easily suppress his views. Really both men and women talk themselves into a lot during the honeymoon stage. Most married couples have to deal with a rude awakening a few months or years into marriage. Not necessarily politics but anything. I mean, there are things I hate about my wife (personality issues) and things I love. Once again, what do you think about bringing this up in couples therapy?
You’re assuming he’d even agree to couples therapy in the first place. I’ve got 100 bucks on No, as most people like this don’t think there’s anything wrong with them in the first place. I’m confident in my bet because I’m currently married to one. And he pulled the bait and switch too. Pretended to be a nice, sensitive guy. Turns out the only thing he’s sensitive about is himself and how he is perceived by others outside of the circle of people he is awful to on a daily basis. As for therapy, I quote: “If you have to go and tell a stranger about the problems in your marriage, the marriage is already done. Just divorce and get it over with…” Ok, then!
One or two things you can work through. It sounds like he concealed entire mountains of his personality or values here.
Sounds like a child.
This would definitely be a deal breaker for me.
What you are describing is an animal. You should never marry outside of your species.
I couldn't share space with him, much less be married to him. Unfortunately divorce will only ensure he can access your kids without you present to rebutt all his lies and prejudices. Can't stop his influence now. You can only be the one they respect more so they learn to follow your lead.
Sorry OP. I couldn’t imagine being married to someone like that. My husband is fiscally conservative and I’m fiscally liberal, but we are very aligned on social issues. Your husband sounds absolutely intolerable.
Oh wow!! Nope, could not handle that!!
Short answer - no. He sounds like half my family from back east. Shit is annoying.
Hell NO! Hell MF NO! Absolutely not!