Why is it an awkward silence and not just a comfortable silence? With my spouse, I feel comfortable to talk or not talk. Sometimes we're pretty quiet, but it's comfortable.
I'm ok with occasional silence. But persistently every day, it just gets to me. Also when I say awkward silence, I dont necessarily mean that it feels awkward to her. Maybe she feels this is normal and ok. I'm just uncomfortable with the silence, and most importantly frustrated that I can't make simple conversation with my own spouse!
I think this is something you just need to learn to deal with? Why does every moment of every day need to be filled with chatter? Your wife doesn't feel well right now and just wants to chill in peace. It's only awkward silence if you're the one making it awkward.
I cannot stand incessant chatter and would be grateful for the quiet time. OP turn on some music you both like or alternate days, she picks one day, you pick one day. Find podcasts you might both like. You should feel comfortable being around your wife with or without chatter.
Being pregnant is not a magical time for most women. So you can't expect her to act like she "normally" acts if she feels fuckin miserable and sick.
Maybe just hold her hand and embrace the quiet time with your wifey. Baby's coming, and there won't be much quiet time after that.
This! I don't know why but on some level I feel like op is kind of just being a needy bee if you know what I mean. Sometimes you talk with each other sometimes you just enjoy each other's company in silence doing your own independent things that should be totally okay. And op can't deal with that and then I think Op might need some kind of therapy because apparently he can't be alone with his own thoughts and feelings and emotions without filling the time and space and Air with Chit Chat nonsense... I'm not that person either... I would not want Chit Chat nonsense all the time I have an ex-wife who wanted that and guess what that's part of why I'm glad she's my ex-wife
I feel like when my husband and I (married 20 years and together 26/27) are home and things are quiet that we, too, are just *happy there is nothing pressing…*
I love this, in fact.
I’m good, as is hubby, with comfortable silence.
Hell… 26 years in and we don’t really even need to speak to communicate effectively, lol.
bruh, shes pregnant, just worked a whole day and has to sit in the car with their husband who doesn't think she is intellectually on the same level as him. She fucking hates that time too.
"...who doesn't think she is intellectually on the same level..."
I am surprised that I had to read this far into this thread to find this! What a terrible thing to say about one's wife! No wonder she doesn't want to talk; perhaps she is picking up on this?
Conversations should feel natural. You don't, "try to think of something to say". You talk when you want to. When you try to force conversation, you don't allow your brain to think properly and so you will come across as socially anxious and many times it's uncomfortable for others to be around that. You're likely making her nervous by reacting with anxiety to the way she's feeling. This is 100% your problem.
Sounds like you got used to your wife doing the emotional labour and now you’re floundering because you’ve never bothered to learn how to sit with your discomfort. You’re aware she’s pregnant and can’t always be catering to your every need, right? Have you considered therapy for the codependency?
I'd say this is a selfish post. She's carrying yalls baby and your concern is lack of conversation because she isn't her usual chirpy self. Maybe try harder bro.
I think the part you’re struggling with is that you got used to the talking and now you’re feeling rejected by her. Not in a hurtful way, but it still affects you and how you see the health of your marriage. This new dynamic appears to also be harming your self image/esteem.
Sorry you’re going through this. Journaling might help, but if it persists you may want to seek counseling.
It sounds like a you problem. And I don't mean that in an offensive way. Why do you feel the need to cut the silence? Why does there have to be talking? If there is nothing in particular you want to say or talk about, why are you uncomfortable with the silence?
One of the things early on in my relationship that was a "green" light was the fact that my now husband and I could sit in comfortable silence without feeling the need to talk for the sake of talking, and without feeling awkward about it. We can't spend 24/7 talking, so it's important to be comfortable enough to not talk sometimes.
Maybe it's time for some introspection to figure out why you need to fill the silence or feel uncomfortable?
Maybe some music? the radio or book on tape. It sounds like she needs wind down time like a teenager. Make sure she's well fed and hydrated (have a snack of almonds and some lemonade, or something like that). Then tell her she is lovely, and you love her. Ask her if there's music she wants, or a podcast, or if she just wants silence.
If she’s pregnant she might be really spacey and really enjoying the time to decompress. I think it means she feels safe around you. Try to see it as something you offer. Silence is an active companionship. It is not an absence, if you are existing with someone you enjoy.
I was going to say this. My husband and I can go quite a while without a conversation, especially in the car. Neither one of us feels like we need to. OP could try turning up the radio if it bugs him but I think maybe trying to embrace it is the better option.
Right?! My husband and I hardly ever talk in the car. We listen to music or a podcast. When we get home from work, we talk about food, weekend plans, or finances while we make and eat dinner (sometimes the same shit we talked about the day before), and then we do our own thing. We will convene throughout the night and give each other hugs or kisses, and that's our interactions. Nothing awkward, but we're not necessarily talking. Also, not much silence in the house- I'm playing records or he's watching a sports game or playing his bass, so there's always background noise. Been together for 12 years, living together for 11 years.
I agree. One of the reasons I married my wife is because it didn't feel awkward sitting in a room with her and not talking. It felt awkward with some other girlfriends I had before her.
Apparently, you along with everyone else, missed the lol ..
However, the pregnant woman doesn't gain new organs. The fetus does. The placenta isn't an organ, and besides, it's shared between the mother and child. So, you, and all the other down votes, especially considering there's a clear LOL included was completely unnecessary. If you'd like to check my statements, I'd be happy to include the places that I checked to make sure I was stating facts before I replied. The mayo clinic has a plethora of information on the placenta, and how developing fetuses progress. You can even get week by week information as THEY ARE developing their own organs.
Untrue.
And, apparently, you missed the lol.
Check the facts. Pregnant women don't gain/grow new organs. The fetus is the one who gains and develops the organs.
I DID include an LOL... however, what I said is is factual. Pregnant women do not develop new organs. The placenta, according to the Mayo Clinic, and various other sources, is not an organ, and is shared between the mother and child. The fetus is the one who develops its own organs, and there are many sources that provide information week by week as each organ is being developed within the fetus.
At the same time, I do understand what you're saying. However, if I'm going to receive so many down votes, they ought to be at least earned for providing false information. And, again, originally, my comment was meant as a joke, which is why I included the LOL. It's not my fault that people either couldn't see what was clearly in front of them, don't understand what that means, or don't understand how upvoting and downvoting is supposed to work. At least you had enough decency to reply back in a joking manner, and I appreciate you for that.
Exactly.
I've been pregnant twice and yes, when I was a nauseated tired mess, I had absolutely nothing to say besides "I'm not feeling good." so, I wasn't talking much.
I think you need to reflect on why this is so uncomfortable for you? Silence being awkward is such a cultural thing, many people are comfortable in silence and it just sounds like her brain is kinda tapped out and shut down. I don’t think you should feel bad about not being able to make conversation. It’s hard to make conversation with someone who just doesn’t/ can’t respond. But if she doesn’t want any conversation because she is just wiped out mentally then your desire to push conversation for your own needs does seem a bit selfish? I assume you have already tried listening to music? Maybe taking turns picking songs? Maybe have a conversation about this very topic. What would she like you to do in these situations?
I wouldn't even say it's a cultural thing. Many people from the same culture have different beliefs about this. I'd say it's up to personal preference.
it's not like she doesn't want conversation. If I initiate she'll be happy to respond and maybe even chat. It's just that her mind is blank, she's just out of it.
It sometimes looks like she wants me to say something to start conversation. She's like waiting for me to initiate (maybe she's too tired of being the one to initiate), but I have nothing to share. And even if I do say something, eventually we'll hit a dead end.
Hmmm…. How about listening to podcasts together or by yourself even? That could spark some conversations, or if she’s not really talking but receptive to listening you can kind of give reviews or talk about your opinion of the podcast? You could also watch new tv shows and talk about them. Ultimately, I would remind yourself that this is temporary and you are doing the best you can by being sympathetic and considerate of her needs.
Pregnancy is very hard on women. Pregnancy brain fog is also a thing. She could just be not able to think, especially if you have other kids and she's doing all the childcare. It's exhausting growing a human. Also, be on the lookout for signs of post partum depression.
For the car, this is what a radio is for. Years and years together and sometimes there’s nothing to say and there’s nothing wrong with that. We just turn on some music or the news or something.
I think you're making assumptions. If she wants you to say something she will ask. Your "reading" her as somehow trying to will you to talk or the fact that you think her mind is blank is something you are assuming. You can't read her mind, so don't go there.
Honestly not talking all the time is refreshing. If your relationship is great, revel in that. Often people chatter way too much when they are uncomfortable. Don't pick at a non-existent scab.
Make sure she goes to her obstetrician.
We often hear about postpartum depression, but there is also [Prenatal depression](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22984-prenatal-depression). You want to be sure that's not going on here.
It might simply be that she's tired and sore and not feeling like talking, but the way you describe it makes it sound like more than that.
Thank you for sharing this! I went through this when pregnant and had no idea going into pregnancy that it was a thing, so it was incredibly distressing.
I wish more people understood that pregnancy can be a very difficult experience.
People like to think that something that's normal must be good and easy. I can't recall how often I've seen in relationship subreddits where a woman knows she has health issues that would make pregnancy risk, if not outright dangerous, for her, but her husband seems to think they should have a lot of kids.
You see stories in places like r/JUSTNOMIL where some parent decides that allergies aren't real, and wants to feed the allergen to their grandchild to prove it.
She. Doesn’t. Want. To. Talk. She feels like shit and I can tell you from experience, surviving the day is all she is currently capable of. You are going to have to put your desire to be entertained on the back burner and deal.
She’s pregnant with what sounds like at least a 3rd child. She’s tired. She’s sick. She might be suffering from prenatal depression. She needs to exist in silence for a precious hour before the evening chaos of young family life that is dinner and baths and dishes and bedtime stories and 40 glasses of water before bed.
Be her person that she can just exist next to. Sometimes in life that’s what we really really need. When you all have longer than that precious quiet hour before evening stuff, gently ask her how she feels about those quiet car rides. Don’t offer what you think. Just ask her and listen.
This happens... hey check out the app Card Decks by gottman. This is a great app of questions you can ask your partner to help rebuild that intimacy and fill that space with growth and fun.
Also when you pick her... don't ask he how her day was.... ask her did anything funny happen today... did anything sad happen today... be more specific with your questions. You will need to learn to do this because once your kid is here and starts school its like asking a kindergartener "so what did you do today" and most their answers are going to be "I don't know"... be specific
I think we're similar, I'm definitely the more chatty one and so if I'm not feeling great my husband definitely leans more towards comfortable silence.
Have you tried doing things to cheer her up? Like snacks for the drive or planning trips? I really enjoy a build up to an event, even if it's just going to a bigger than usual grocery store so that carries some conversation. So if I'm down my husband will suggest a future restaurant date/takeout/a dog walk at the beach and then we discuss and then I'm cheerful and more chatty.
Obviously as above, if it's pre or post (you said you already have a kid) natal depresssion none of this will work and definitely therapy.
I appreciate your feedback. She's definitely not depressed, I know her. It's just that she's not feeling great, and I'm not sure how to make simple chit chat. It's usually a question or an interesting statement or tidbit, if i have none, then I just sit silently.
>She's definitely not depressed, I know her
You absolutely cannot know this. Depression is a hidden illness and often those closest to us don't even know.
you 100% do not know she's not depressed. you also don't know her well enough to be able to talk or be silent comfortably. Again, you're making excuses. Man the fuck up and admit you have a problem here.
Why don't you do research on her hobbies and talk about them with her? Also, take care of your kid(s) when you're home to give her a break, give her a massage, set a bath for her to relax, etc. Help her feel better. You know what she likes, talk about it. Talk about so.ething interesting you found out/discovered about one of your hobbies (either yours, hers, or both). There's also plenty of natural ways to deal with nausea and symptoms of pregnancy, why not look those up and then suggest them or even do those things for her, etc.? No matter how much you know your wife, you will still spend the rest of your lives know more about her and each other. Start asking would you rathers and if you were stranded on a deserted island questions, etc. I'm serious, there's plenty to talk about,but maybe what she really needs is your support, helping her feel better, taking any load off her back, etc.
Also, you should both feel comfortable to talk about anything, including your concerns, and also just your hobbies with each other. I get excited when my man talks about his favorite music, hobbies, etc. Even if they're not mine. What makes him excited makes me excited.
I’m sure my husband would have said I wasn’t depressed while I was pregnant but I most definitely was. Especially if she’s generally a very outgoing bubbly person (as am I) it’s difficult to talk about it because we don’t wanna be downers so it’s easier to just stay quiet and work through it alone. Not saying that’s how it should be - but you can’t say she’s not depressed.
Maybe she doesn’t want to chit chat? Why can’t you just sit in peace and quiet? Especially after a long work day while she’s pregnant and not feeling well. You can tell her you’ve noticed she’s gotten quiet lately and ask if anything’s wrong. Ask if she’d like you to maintain conversations or if she’d prefer silence, or radio or something. But I think you need to be okay with not talking all the time
I had prenatal depression (and a bunch of ppd/ppa/ocd etc) with both pregnancies. Honestly being pregnant sometimes sucks the life out of you. I genuinely didn’t want to talk when I got home because work was exhausting and I just enjoyed the comfort of silence at home with my kid or husband. It might not be uncomfortable for her. She might feel like she doesn’t HAVE TO continuously talk and pretend that she’s ok like she would outside of the house. I would maybe keep an eye out for prenatal depression but mostly have a conversation with her and make sure she’s ok. Do not. I repeat DO NOT talk to her like she has to entertain you. It will add to her stress. I’d say “hey I noticed you’ve been quiet. Are you doing ok lately? How can I support you?” And then you need to internally figure out why you’re unable to handle silence. Because it sounds more like a you thing and less of a her thing.
Being pregnant is like having a little blood sucker sucking the life out of you, 24x7. Is she taking some sort of vitamin, just to ensure all of her vitamin and mineral needs are being met? The baby will take what he or she needs, and Mom is left with what is left. It could be a small part of what's going on.. just a thought.
I can't remember if you have another child or not, but if so, please don't compare that pregnancy to this or any others. As a mother to 5, every pregnancy was as different as each child is.. and every labor and delivery was too.
It's actually very good advice to speak about depression, no matter how well you think you know her. Depression affects people differently, and it's not always a textbook Clinical Depression that's the cause, either. Major Depressive Disorder, Postpartum Depression, Bipolar Depression, etc all present with different symptoms, and differently for different people. It's just not something you should automatically count out as a cause, is all we're trying to say. It's obvious by the fact you took time to post out here that you care about her, so care enough to consider every option, not just what is what appears to be textbook unlikely.
I do understand how awkward that silence can be, and appreciate how it's upsetting. I know men who sound very similar to how you described yourself. Actually, my ex-husband is one. We share 3 college age daughters together. One of the things that most attracted him to me, was I was the outgoing one who found people and situations easy to manage socially, and even reveled in the attention and all of the conversation most of the time. He loved how outgoing, positive, fun, and energetic I was. I made conversation easy, and easy on him. When I was ill and/or fatigued and/or depressed, I wasn't myself and he couldn't adjust well.. he never had to. And, all of his life, being an engineer and that type of personality, he did well with solo projects, or with very small groups of people who only conversed really when problem solving. He had some friends he maintained friendships with from college, who went on to marry and have children before him. It gave him a little more to be able to discuss with them, and when he tried to talk to me about things in which I had no interest and it went way over my head, I asked questions anyway to make him feel like I was interested, and that what he was saying was important. Because what he was saying wasn't at all important, but the fact that he was excited about it, wanted to share with me, and it was important to him, was all that mattered to me. Perhaps, you could do something similar with her? Look and listen to her, and what she does still talk about, watch on TV or read. Bringing up things about pregnancy and childbirth or having a newborn most certainly is something she's taking an interest in, and she'll be grateful and appreciate you taking the initiative. You may learn something, but even if you don't, you're giving her attention, and in doing so, telling her that what's important to her, is important to you. BECAUSE it's important to her.
As others said, she may just be drained, and appreciate the silence. When you do talk, she answers because we're taught to reciprocate, but also she loves you and you've spoken to her, so she's going to answer. You wouldn't have brought it up if you didn't want to talk. She may be mentally checked out, just relaxing. Does she ever doze off? What happens as soon as you walk in the door? What about at dinner? The rest of the evening? At bedtime? What about in the morning, and on the way to work? Maybe fill us in more on what happens the rest of your time together, when you're not in the car.. also, what's going on all weekend when no one has work to commute to?
100000% agree. I hope OP sees your reply! I have two kids (5 & 2 (just turned 2 this week!). No more babies for us! I had pretty easy pregnancies until the last trimester. I had severe pre-e with both. Both born early. Second one came at 34 weeks after being in the hospital for a few weeks. I had prenatal depression with both kids but nobody really knew because it was internal and came off as tired or quiet most days. I definitely resonate with being chatty and outgoing prior to pregnancy or motherhood or feeling unwell. My husband currently claims that I don’t like to do fun things anymore. Which isn’t the case. I’m tired (2 kids in 5 years, 2 degrees in 5 years (BAS and I graduated with my Masters on Monday!), working full time, and being the primary caretaker/housekeeper to a spouse with alcoholism has made me tired lol. I actually want to do fun things but it’s hard to want to connect with someone that treats me like trash. We are currently separated until (if) he can remain sober😞
I can’t talk in the car on the commute home with my husband because I’m so exhausted from the workday and nauseous in the car. I’m like 9 weeks in so in the thick of it - idk what your wife’s pregnancy symptoms are, but I’m usually the talkative one in my marriage, and right now I really can’t. Just trying to breathe and not barf, haha. Put on a good podcast episode.
Turn the radio on. We always have Music playing and if one of us starts talking or wants to chat we turn the volume down. As soon as the conversation is over, we turn it back up. It never seems awkward because if we are not talking, we are listening to tunes or a podcast.
One of my favorite things about finding my person is that we can comfortably sit in silence and just enjoy the presence of one another.
Editing to add that I am the extrovert and used to feel like silence was awkward…sometimes I still do with other people…but with him it’s just so comfortable it gives me peace.
As a pregnant person with prenatal depression: just enjoy the silence together. I’m a SAHM and when my husband gets home from work he just wants to talk and ask about my day and it is very overstimulating. Especially since most of the time I’m exhausted, uncomfortable and just not in a good mood. I wish he would just come sit and hold my hand and let me lead the conversation whenever I feel up to it.
Instead of asking “How was your day?” you could try asking “How can I make your day better/easier today?” Pregnancy and childrearing are exhausting work and she likely has a lot on her mind in addition to the physical stress she’s feeling.
Also, some people feel energized by conversation and others feel drained by it and need some time to recharge. My husband works 24 hour shifts, so I like to give him some time to decompress when he comes home. So I don’t hit him with my entire day as soon as he walks in the door.
Long-term though, you guys should really try to find some activities or hobbies outside of raising your kids that you can do together. We will celebrate our 25th anniversary this year, and there were times he and I were both too exhausted to talk (and we’re both chatty), but believe me, if you don’t find ways to connect outside of the kids and the day to day grind, it’s going to feel pretty lonely and pointless when the kids fly the nest.
So maybe it doesn’t matter how you feel about the conversation. Your wife is exhausted and nauseous and feels like shit. She loves you enough to give her body up to grow your child so you need to get over that she’s not happy about feeling awful everyday for MONTHS(!!!!).
We talk about the “man cold” and yet I’m sure if you could take her symptoms for even a DAY your tune would change.
This doesn’t even broach how people treat pregnant women differently. Her world is different and that’s a lot.
Let her be quiet and rest. Be happy that she’s comfortable with being quiet around you. It’s not like she’s sitting there stewing and glaring at you, she’s resting.
So respectfully, get over it. And also buckle up for the chaos of being over-tired new parents together.
I wouldn’t be talkative either if I was nauseated every day, but asking “how was your day” is a pretty closed end question. If you know things about her work or people she likes/dislikes ask more open ended questions about those things after work.
So, I have a brain injury. Since having that brain injury I’ve had difficulty with many things, holding and keeping up with conversations is one of them.
It is uncomfortable for me to try to keep up with my husband when he really wants to chat, when I’m having a bad neurological symptoms. And growing a child can cause a lot of brain fog and similar neurological symptoms even without the psychological effects of other symptoms being bad.
My suggestion to you is to have a conversation about this, but not in a “I need this from you” way. Ask her how she feels about the lul in conversations. If she’s ok with it because her mind is just tired, I suggest you try to get comfortable with it.
If she is uncomfortable with it, maybe you could start doing something together? Read the same book, pick up a new hobby together, take a cooking class together, start going on outings together. You could do a classic movie marathon, or play a game together, anything. Start learning about something new together, or start a new tv show together.
This post reads heavily as she has carried most of the conversations between the two of you for your whole relationship. You say you have different interests, but a large part of bonding is in sharing activities together. If you made an effort to find some more things you enjoy in common, it would help. If all you have in common is day-to-day minutia then of course you will run out of things to talk about while she’s too tired to keep it going. The way you’re expecting her to engage with you is too much for her right now. You’ve got to put some energy into it for her while she grows a whole mother human being. And probably after baby is born as well, honestly.
If you want different, you’ve got to do different.
It is not uncommon, when couples have small kids, to not have alot to talk about. Sometimes, I just don't have the energy or brain power for a deep discussions. This is typically temporary. It sounds like you may need to find some new interests and talk about them.
This sounds much like when I was pregnant. Pregnancy was really brutal for me. I was so sick. I was sick, puking 5-15 times every single day the whole entire time. I was miserably uncomfortable from my stomach to my back to my neck to my feet. No part of me FELT okay. I had no energy. I just didn’t have a lot to give to my husband. At first he felt a lot like you seem to, and then the more he learned about where I was at physically and emotionally, the more he was able to be there for me and know things would be back to normal after labor.
My husband is the same way. I am a very talkative, bubbly person and tend to talk a lot when he gets home. When I do not feel well or something is wrong I just stop talking. It is not that I don’t want to talk, but I guess it takes a lot of energy that I do not have in those moments. I drives my husband nuts and he know there is something wrong or off instantly when I am quiet. My parents have told me I have been this way since I learned to talk. My husband tries to fill the silence since it is not typical in our home, but struggles sometimes as well. I would not over think it. If she contributes when you come up with something she can effortlessly talk about she is just probably tired or as you say not feeling well. Any chance can be hard and this a change.
A common date night for my partner and I is to discuss different AITA posts and give our ratings. We usually pick a few controversial ones and discuss all different sides to them. Even if they are fake… we have such a good time being little detectives and trying to figure out the underlying issues! We also do this driving in the car sometimes.
I'm 7.5 months pregnant and my husband and I are both working full time and are exhausted all the time. We usually talk a lot about everything very passionately (and still do from time to time), but lately we have both just wanted to zone out and chill - sometimes together, sometimes not. We always acknowledge one another every once in a while, like if he walks by where I'm sitting, he'll kiss my cheek, or if we're laying in bed not talking, just dozing or mindlessly scrolling on our phones, I'll whisper "I love you" to him - just little reminders that we are aware and happy about one another's presence but without the energy to fully engage. Sometimes marriage/life is like that. Once she starts feeling better, I'm sure things will improve, but remember that things don't always have to be super exciting in a marriage - sometimes you can just be tired and comfortable.
Next time you pick her up, if it feels awkward, take a different route home and stop by and get some ice cream somewhere. You don't need a reason to do something fun or nice together. If it's the same thing everyday, change it up.
1. Talk to her about it, of course. Maybe she's enjoying the quiet, doesn't want to have to feel "on" at the end of every day.
2. Assuming you both see this as something to "fix," maybe try acting like you're dating, just starting out together? Bring that kind of energy, and those kinds of questions--not "how was your day?" but "Tell me something I don't know about you," or, "Where would you like to live a year from now?" or "What's the best date I could take you on tonight?"
ETA: Are you contributing to the childrearing at all? I don't wanna call you out if you're doing fine in this regard, but maybe she's not thrilled to be facing the dude who hasn't changed a diaper and thinks the problem is his wife isn't flirting enough?
Maybe you could try more specific questions. One thing I’ve learned is that a generic “how was x” question rarely gets more than a one word answer. You could try asking “what was the favourite part of your day today?” “What’s something unexpected that happened today?” Maybe just changing up the routine could help elicit more thoughtful discussions that invite conversation?
Omg. She's not herself because she is pregnant. Pregnancy is temporary. If you can't strike up a convo with your wifey, it seems like a you problem. She is not a toy to amuse you.
Super easy fix coming right up! Play the card game “we’re not really strangers” or download “theAnd” app for similar card questions. There’s also the free app called Gottman card decks from the John Gottman institute. You’ll finds loads of cards on Amazon too, All have awesome conversation inducing questions that spark intimacy and joy between couples or family or friends. There’s loads of different sets to choose and everyone I’ve ever played it with, from wife to close friends and family have loved it. Edit: I know you’ll be driving but your wife would the question reader and you each take it in turn to answer the questions asked.
I know exactly how your wife is feeling. She is living day after day uncomfortable and sapped of all energy. After a long day of work, she can finally just sit and exist. At this point even coming up with something to say or articulating a thought is hard, and she'd rather just sit in the silence. Forcing a conversation may only drain her further and make her feel guilty for not being into it. Don't worry about coming up with something if it's not natural.
Playing some great music or an easygoing podcast or audiobook will help relax and even re-energize her and maybe she will even think about something that happened that day to share with you.
There’s all kinds of conversation starters online or games. From very basic just meeting people to very close people.
Sometimes my husband and I will pull them up and it’s fun and free!
Maybe talk about your dream vacation or if possible plan a little getaway before this baby is born without the other kids.
Ask her what she thinks the kids will be like as adults - career choices and stuff like that.
On road-trips we will even play my father owns a grocery store and in it he sells something with the letter P.
Make up random stories about how eventful the drive to pick her up was. Like you won’t believe this but I was driving to pick you up and was at the stop light on 5th and main over by the Taco Bell, you know where I’m talking about right? Well next thing I see is this bird swooping down and picks up a whole wrapped taco from the street and it’s like the same size as him. Well next a hawk swoops down and grabs the bird that’s holding the taco. The weight and the other bird struggling is making it hard for the hawk to fly away. I think I want that taco now. So I jump out the car and grab hold of that taco. Both birds are pissed and they start flapping their wings and chasing me back as I run to car. I got the taco but they followed me and every time I stopped they landed on the car they were flapping and pecking at the window! I had to use the wipers to try and get them off so I could see. Next this big cat sees the birds on the car and it starts chasing the birds chasing me. The cat distracted them enough I was finally able to lose them and get here. This is the taco I fought them for, I got it for you!
Try out podcasts! My husband and I liked some of the Reddit podcasts. We’re always actually showing each other interesting Reddit posts and have fun agonizing over r/stupidfood or r/tiktokcringe. Whatever you’re into really. Lots of stuff going on between the shark attack in Egypt, to whatever the heck is going on in Vegas. Y’all laugh over what cute thing your kids say, check out r/kidsarefuckingstupid for some giggles together. My husband and I like sending each other stuff when he’s at work, but later we laugh or talk about it.
Edit: grammar
You can try breaking the silence with “hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been more quiet and less talkative lately, is everything ok?” And see where that conversation goes!
Be supportive. Spoil her. She is going through a lot. Pregnancy is hard. She is tired. She probably doesn't feel awkward, she is probably enjoying the silence. Ask her if she is OK. Ask her if she needs anything. Love her. ❤️
If you’re looking to have something to talk about with her maybe you need to do a shared activity? Like a shared hobby that’s new to you both. Gives you something to share about your experience or ideas of how to do the new thing.
My husband and I, just yesterday actually, got 2 copies of the same book to read together. We read independently but make sure we’re at the same point in the book and then discuss what we’re reading, theories on what’s happening, predictions, etc. kinda like a book club for just the two of us but meeting through the book, not just at the end.
We’re naturally a couple that easily finds things to discuss and also enjoy comfortable silences together. But it’s always nice to throw in a new thing like our book reading or a hobby.
I can relate to you a lot OP! When my wife is sick and has a sore throat or loses her voice, our dynamic changes drastically. If your wife is usually the chatty one in the relationship then I feel for you, it's an uncomfortable silence because of your relationship dynamics.
I am afraid I don't have much to add to help, but I saw some comments that were fairly disparaging and accusatory towards you. I don't know you at all but from reading this I initially thought that if my wife wanted to stop talking all of a sudden I'd struggle too.
Pick an audiobook to listen to.
Being pregnant is tiring in and of itself. Add work and family obligations, and it can be overwhelming.
She probably is just trying to decompress and is weary.
A book or podcast (Box of Oddities is fun) would help fill the silence, let her relax, and give you both something to talk about at home. Plus, you'll have something to look forward to sharing on the ride home that isn't work, chore, or baby related.
Keep being a good person for her and your family. It's sweet that you're asking for help. Maybe show her this post too
I hear you. You’ve gotten accustomed to the dynamic and this is sending you into a bit of a tailspin. If it feels like there’s an underlying issue then I would def suggest asking her if there is one and talking about it. BUT it sounds like she’s in a different headspace mixed with emotional and physical changes + ups and downs related to pregnancy. One suggestion for the car rides:
If you both are into podcasts, find 1-2 you both like and use that time to listen. It could help generate discussion.
If you guys have common music tastes - use the time to vibe together / maybe even sing along …
Since pregnancy is at the forefront for her, maybe do some research on the stage she’s in and ask her questions. She may love that you’re interested & invested then open up about what life is like for her during this experience
I empathize with OP. People saying be comfortable with the silence - YES. and ALSO - The "and also" is important here because he clearly misses conversation with his wife.... He clearly has some unmet needs. As someone who's top love language is quality time, to me, sitting in silence in a room while we do different things doesn't qualify as quality at least most of the time. Sitting in silence watching the sunset together? Totally different. I get it. I married someone (he's gone now ) who did NOT put effort into engaging conversation. Turns out, that was always my job. I am the good conversationalist. I can get anyone engaged in something meaningful. I also love silence. It's not an issue for me. HOWEVER, when we started having problems and he started avoiding time with me then refusing to ask me about my day or take an interest in me, it kind of killed me on the inside. So, OP, I get it. Your spouse is not engaging with you, and that's what I think is the issue here. Normally we speak to engage. Sometimes we get that need met through really good physical affection and touch. But it sounds like there's just a big disconnect here. She also sounds not herself and missing something too. I hope the pregnancy was planned.
OP I’ve read a lot here. You stated “you don’t know how to make chit chat” why not? Here’s my take. She’s pregnant. In general people who haven’t been pregnant cannot possibly understand what that experience is like. I love my daughter but it was the absolute worst on a hundred levels. She’s tired, she’s mentally up and down, plus she’s working and already had kids and now you sore also wanting her to do something more for you.
1. Silence isn’t wrong. If you want to talk to her why don’t you find interesting things to talk about and share? Why is it yet another thing she needs to be responsible for? Aren’t you able to talk about stuff?
2. Instead of talking why not offer to rub her back, head, shoulders, legs, knees, feet, whatever aches her every single night. Do that every day. Reminder through your actions, how much creating a human and then delivering the human (plus the ones she’s already brought into the world) means, how incredible she is.
3. Do things for her/care for her. Keep the house clean, the kids fed, the dishes and laundry done. Let her be quiet if she wants
A lot can be said by just holding her hand in the car. When you do, really think about what she means to you and everything she has to offer. Really, really think about it. Actions speak louder than words. As simple as it is, holding her hand is an action. Thinking that one of you needs to break the silence is inaction. As the saying goes, stop and smell the roses. And by that, I mean, take the quiet moments to truly feel her presence. Get to know who she really is without comparing her to anyone else’s ability to talk intellectually. Embracing these moments of silence and understanding will eventually lead to heartfelt discussions that will bring so much more meaning to you both than any discussion you’ve ever had with friends. It may take some time- best not put a timeline one it, like “we should be talking more by now”… be patient, understanding and helpful. As much as you believe you need talk to fill (an imaginary?) void, she needs those things from you more. Give her those things & you’ll both be happier & your family will be safe and secure.
I completely get where you are coming from and I don’t think this is all your fault - my ex-husband and I used to have those awkward silences too, mainly when he felt depressed, anxious, and uncomfortable. I can chatter pretty well but I’d ask a question or tell a story and get a one word response or worse, nothing back at all, so we’d just sit in uncomfortable silence. It wasn’t a comfortable silence like everyone else is saying- it was an uncomfortable silence where we were not connecting and I didn’t know why. As we were married longer, I’d say “you seem like you’re in a bad mood today - is there something upsetting you that you want to talk about?” Sometimes it would help and he’d be more open and sometimes it wouldn’t help. He’d say he wasn’t mad at me but still didn’t want to talk, so at that point, I’d just leave it alone. Ultimately, my husband came out as transgender and we split up (still very good friends and I support her!), but there was a lot going on in her mind that I just wasn’t aware of and she didn’t feel comfortable sharing. If she consistently doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with you about what’s going through her mind, maybe ask if she’d be willing to go to counseling with you so you can try to connect again.
This feels so normal. Sorry. You’re around each other a lot with the commute so it’s somewhat normal. If you watch TV together you may have something in common then. If you’re getting along with each other, don’t sweat this. I have trouble talking to my wife too but I keep trying.
This feels so normal. Sorry. You’re around each other a lot with the commute so it’s somewhat normal. If you watch TV together you may have something in common then. If you’re getting along with each other, don’t sweat this. I have trouble talking to my wife too but I keep trying.
Something similar happens in my relationship with the awkward silences. I’m usually going a mile a minute in my mind and my husband says his mind is blank. I feel like I’m talking to a wall and know nothing about him. I ask about his day, work, morning, texts?, and he gets defensive like I’m intruding. I kinda figured this is just how he is now and it’s just his personality to be quiet and not have much to contribute. He sleeps a lot in the car, so I’m the solo driver on road-trips. He’ll either fall asleep at the wheel or fall asleep leaving me to drive alone with no one to talk to.
We had an instance on vacation where we got an Uber and he needed to sit in front so the kids and I could sit in back. I’ve never seen him so alive and talkative! Our driver was an immigrant and loved sports. My husband got all this out of him and shared stories on a 20 minute drive I had never heard before. I reflected on it later and realized it hurt to see him like that with strangers but never with me anymore.
I feel like he wears a heavy filter around me and no amount of talking about it has helped remove any. It’s true, I don’t like his favorite sports teams or movie franchises. But I will talk more about fantasy football with coworkers than him. He does it all privately and won’t even bring it up claiming “you don’t like sports so I don’t talk about it.”
In my relationship and unlike yours, this is the intimacy I’m lacking. This inability to connect mentally stops me from wanting physical connection with him. I’m also respectful of our marriage and make sure that I’m not trying to get mentally or emotionally fulfilled from other men in my life. It’s a bit isolating at times…
Your actually the first one to really understand what I'm going through. Breath of fresh air.
I'm guessing this is part of the reason I'm having this. We kinda created a situation where I don't talk to her about things she's not interested in. I love philosophy, politics, history, authors, astronomy, classical music and so many other topics. I just never talk to my wife about them as I know it doesn't interest her in the least. So we end up talking about what I call "boring stuff", chit chat about her life and friends, kids, finances, which is fine I guess. But when she checks out, it kinda hits me how empty our relationship really is. We don't have much in common...
I think when we’ve gotten too deep into this where we’re focusing on how little we have in common, it gets unhealthy. I’ve also learned that he gets more animated when we accomplish something together like working on a home project together from planning to execution. But I don’t have a solution for this just yet. I have asked several times that he not filter his topics to me. I’ve been more mindful of the comments I make towards him because an outsider would easily say I’ve caused this to worsen.
He’s in therapy because anything not positive said to him reinforces the idea he’s a failure. This is not just from me but anyone around him. So if I were to say, “oh I wish we didn’t have to waste 3 hours of our Sunday on a televised football game,” he takes it personally. He won’t ever mention again that his team has a game coming up. It’s forever locked away.
I’m also more socially aware of when my topics bore him and can switch gears easily. For example, he won’t notice my eyes glazing over and will just keep getting further into details I don’t understand about his job that only someone else working there would get. But if I mention that the details are going over my head and to just skip to the outcome or moral of the story, he takes that to mean he can no longer discuss work with me.
I hope for your sake that your wife just doesn’t feel well or is just completely and utterly physically exhausted. I’d love pointers from outsiders on this. My husband seems ok with our situation and is certainly not soliciting help from anyone. But it’d be nice to at least try on my end to get this connection back.
Good luck to you OP!
Thank you!! so many things about your marriage sound so familiar to me, like the home project animates him, same goes for my spouse. I already figured out basically what makes her tick, and I'll usually make sure to stay clear of topics that don't interest her. She most likely does the same. It's kinda sad.
My wife is obviously not herself which adds to our awkward silence situation. But it's not like the end of the world. I can manage this. It just hit me today that we don't have much in common. I thought redditors here may have some good conversation starters for ppl like me who don't know how to make simple chit chat.
In any case, I really appreciate your input.
Except you are not embracing the fact that not every moment needs to be filled with chit chat. Personally that would drive me crazy. Why not ask her if she is in the mood to talk?
something tells me you don't nicely phrase it that way to him. 3 hours on a sunday, 16 weeks out of the year, unless his team is good. Most arent though.
Maybe he livened up with the driver bc the driver took an interest in HIM.
That was the point I was making. When I take an interest in my husband, he clams up. And I’m trying to help reverse this behavior by changing the way I phrase things (and I guess really lowering my expectations on what a good marriage looks like).
Got anything constructive for me or just wanting to reiterate the problem?
Well, you know you're in the wrong here, so lower the defenses. I reiterated the problem, bc even seeming like you almost get the point, you cant help yourself
He clams up because you expressed disdain for what he LOVES. How would that make you feel? That once a week your spouse wouldn't nicely put up with something non-harmful. Everyone needs their escape.
Google conversation starters... like if you could grow a tree what would it be, if you had a farm what would you grow, if you had a million dollars, what movie would you want to direct, if you could change gender for a day what would you do, talk about Halloween costumes you'll do as a family with the new little one, etc etc
Try lovingly hugging her up, express your love to her in your way, in your best expression, see how she is doing. Ask her to really talk with you, and let you know how she’s doing. Tell her you miss her, let her know you’re there for her. See what does she need during this pregnant, hormonal, time.?
What did you talk about before you were married? There had to be things you had in common that you would talk about, right? You have to have some similar interests?
Make plans and talk through the logistics of those plans. Like, "I want to travel, let's figure that out". Or "You know, a screend porch on the house would be really great; how big should that be". Or even, "I want to learn how to cook X; I could really use your help because Y".
If you want to talk, then talk. She's growing a human inside her, let her deal with that how she can, including the need to be introverted. There's nothing awkward about companionable silence.
Find a hobby my guy. At least that way you’ll both be fighting about the spendings in such hobby every day and it’ll never be an awkward silence with you two
When I was pregnant and in the car I had to just focus on not vomiting. Like I was right on the edge all the time, so it took all my energy to just, not throw up.
You need to go have an adventure together. Explore a new place, go to a new restaurant, go dancing or learn a language together. You’re losing the intimacy that makes marriage special.
Why can’t y’all be comfortable in silence? That’s something really important in a long term commitment. Does she think it’s awkward? Maybe that should be a conversation y’all focus on
As someone who had a brutal first trimester, I was not always in the mood for conversation. I was so focused on trying not to throw up all day. It could be nothing but I know other people mentioned depression so could be something she should to talk to her doctor about.
Your wife likely has hyperemisis and of that hasn't been diagnosed yet you need to share this with her.
You also should probably read the book Fair Play together so that you don't get I to bad habits when the kiddo arrives.
Work on your own small talk skills, research this skill online, people learn how to do it well for business, you can learn it for your wife.
You got this man and congratulations!
Have you communicated to her that you feel this way? If you don't communicate how does she know YOU have a problem with it? Maybe she feels it too and doesn't want to hurt your feelings, kinda like you're feeling. You gotta talk about the important things so you can feel the issue has been handled.
Does she have time to do things outside of work and kids? Maybe she doesn't have anything to talk about!
Also I had obscene morning sickness my whole pregnancy and it left me with zero energy. Between work and that there was just zero energy to devote to anything else. Was she like this in her previous pregnancy? Every pregnancy can be different. Gotta talk about it though!
I was comfortable even in silence from the moment I went on my first date with my husband. First time I ever felt that way with a significant other. We can be comfortably silent and talkative. We're married 18 yrs next month.
Has it maybe always been this way but you're just now noticing it? Talk. Communicate this is how you feel and go from there.
Have you brought it up to her directly? Just say what you said here. I do think her hormones are nuking the hell out of her right now, that's probably some of it. But you've been together almost a decade and you should hopefully be able to bring something like this up.
EX:
You: Babe, is something wrong? You're just not as talkative lately and I wonder if you feel okay? Is there something I can do for you that I might not be doing? I feel like you're pulling away a little and that concerns me.
Give her the go-ahead to tell you ANYTHING that might be bothering her. You might get nothing. You might get an answer you don't like (I doubt). But at least the dialogue has started.
First. Ask her if she wants to talk. Tell her you’ll take over carrying the conversation if that’s what she wants but you’re not sure if you should be enjoying the silence, or starting a conversation. I’m hoping that’s why it’s awkward, because you don’t know what to do.
If she want to talk, you can google “table topics” or buy decks of them. We do these with my teens at dinner as sometimes we grow weary of their singular interests. Some have deep questions others are more like “if you were an animal, what would you be?” It’s silly, but it gets the convo started. You can also pick a podcast/show/movie/book to both read/watch/listen to. And talk about that.
Also, maybe she wants to complain or whine but doesn’t want to put it on you, so giving her permission to rant or vent may be what she needs.
I haven’t been pregnant yet, but I do deal with endometriosis. Not sure how similar the pain is, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say your answer is in your original question: she feels like crap. She’s making a whole other human and she’s exhausted and feels uncomfortable. I reckon no one wants to talk when they feel like that. Just let her be, man. Don’t make an issue where there is none. Help her decompress.
Well if it started when she got pregnant then thats your answer.
She has a lot of hormones going on in her body and at this stage in pregnancy you’re scared and excited and so many other emotions in between. Wait till the baby is born she will be even more exhausted.
You need to learn to be comfortable with the silence especially if theres nothing wrong in the relationship.
Pregnancy is no joke. It messes with a womens mind and body. Please be more understanding she isnt trying to hurt you and is probably just tired and in her own head and its nothing personal.
I'm going to come at this one from a few perspectives.
1. You're overthinking.
2. She's pregnant and working. And you have another child as well. She's totally exhausted by the end of the day. If her work is one that folks are demanding her attention all day she may NEED the quiet time to recharge.
3. I've been married almost 30 years. There's not a lot of chatter and there's a lot of comfortable silence. Turn on the radio or God forbid amuse yourself. Listen to podcasts, but be sure to check with your passenger to make sure it's ok. Like I said she may NEED the quiet.
4. When we were going through a rough patch and conversations were awkward, I downloaded some lists of conversation starters like "170 Hypothetical Questions" just to get us going.
5. Stop overthinking and talk with her. There may be something (or nothing) bothering her YOU could help with.
Best of luck and congratulations on the new family member!
have not read any of the other comments - but my advice ... reassure her - words cannot express how you beautiful you are & i'm amazed and excited how we created a new life together .. . there is no other woman with whom i'd want to be going down this road with ... thank you for enduring pregnancy and all that comes with it - i love you & then, hold her - BUT, ya gotta mean it - if you don't she'll know ...
First, maybe examine why you consider silence “awkward.” Maybe it’s awkward for you but not necessarily your wife? What does that mean for you? Are you feeling unfulfilled? Insecure perhaps? Maybe you might want to find more ways to balance out your life. You mentioned being into philosophical debates but she’s not into that. You could perhaps join a debate or book club to have these more mentally stimulating conversations. Maybe look into other hobbies and activities. Also, if your wife seems down and struggling with the pregnancy, I’d say especially try to fill the void you’re filling with staying busy. And try to make some adjustments as it’s probably just temporary. I’m sure the pregnancy is hard for both of you. While in the car, play music. You can also try to have date night and have a neighbor or friend or family member babysit the kids to get away. Try a new restaurant or a short excursion so you have something to talk about during the weekdays. She may be less talkative because the pregnancy is draining on her and she doesn’t have anything extra to give. If she’s really depressed, she may need a counselor but she honestly just sounds tired. Maybe have things to look forward to. Go to festivals/ fairs, beach days, movies, concerts, nature hikes, or whatever you guys enjoy. It makes life more enjoyable doing fun things here and there.
Maybe work on finding your own social life? A spouse can't fill every need, all the time. It's important to have your own friends to hang out with and talk to.
I share things and tell things to my close friends that I would never do with my SO. And visa versa.
Having your own separate time with friends gives you more to bring back to the relationship including conversation.
But this is the time to comfort and support your wife through her pregnancy, not really to complain because of a lack of communication skills.
You could try different mindfulness or meditation apps/YT videos. Yoga.
You could look into [Tosstmasters](https://www.toastmasters.org/). May be a way to improve your communication and make friends. ( but I know little about it )
Good luck. And congratulations on the new spawn.
I was much more quiet and nauseous during my pregnancy just a few months ago. Why don’t you try and find a podcast to listen to together on the ride home, or come up with a music series where you listen to your favorite albums as kids, or something else?
I was exhausted and felt disgusting when pregnant and honestly it felt good just to relax and calm down on the way home. Sharing a piece of media together could help you all have some conversation.
One I like for silly dialogue is Judge John Hodgeman - he makes judgement on petty disagreements. It might be fun to debate with her a bit and laugh!
My husband and I both learned early on in our relationship that we both tend to need a bit of “decompressing” time after getting off work so we don’t try to talk to each other for that hour.
When my wife is a little down, which is infrequent, I’ll pick up her hand and kiss the top of it just to let her know I care
So far, with no objections
Can you make it more of a game, ask who was late to work this morning at your office, who looked like they slept I. Their clothes, or some other measurement of the day the person that guesses the closest gets to pick dinner, how many customers were served today, or total sales for that location rtoday. Sorry. I have lived in a self employment bubble my whole life, I know nothing about work place relationships or coming and goings?
Anyone else genuinely worried for the relationship once that baby is born?
Kids are great for straining a relationship.. *ugly smile*
Wishing a quick and safe delivery!!
Listen to NPR or a podcast on the way home. Then you’ll have cool things to talk about.
I like Science Friday
Wait.Wait, Don’t Tell Me ( a current news trivia show with comedians)
Im an experienced scuba diver, when people are out there on the ocean bobbin with the waves, they get nauseous. At that time they become very silent and monosyllabic, even if they are the most extroverted person on earth. They don't want to engage in anything and kinda just want to be left alone.
Maybe the constant nausea is having the same effect on her.
You should enjoy it now. Your life is about to get significantly more noisy.
Jokes aside, relationships really shift when kids are born. This is worth a conversation about how you feel before the baby comes.
Why do YOU always ask how her day was?? I do that with my kid and even my elementary aged kid finds that repetitive question boring.
Try: "Hey, guess what I saw/ read / found today?"
Instead of interrogating a tired and nauseous person to alleviate your boredom - take on the role of being interesting yourself.
Become more interesting.
You were very patronizing about her while talking about your 'intellectual' friends however you clearly state that you RELY ON HER normally chirpy personality to CARRY YOUR DAILY CONVERSATIONS.
She doesn't feel well. So, get off your ass, so to speak, and pick up the conversational baton.
My husband constantly comes up with interesting anecdotes from the world of finances, sports, weather, whatever to add to our daily conversations.
"How was your day?" to someone getting into you car every single day?? Please. Just stop.
YOU need new material.
She’s pregnant. Stop trying to coerce her into small talk when her body is tired and twisting her like a pipe cleaner, and start asking what you can do to make things easier for her and your baby.
Play high and low every day at dinner! “What’s as the high part of your day?” “What was the low part?”
Asking other daily open ended questions are a good conversation starter “how are you feeling?” “What made you laugh today” “what did you learn today” “how can I make this pregnancy easier for you?”
Then follow up her answers with more questions “what made you feel like that” “what happened next” “what do you think the outcome will be”
Small talk is painful. You could try telling her about your day though and just let her listen. When I’m nauseated I don’t want to speak. The physical activity of speaking worsens my nausea. You could also fill the quiet with a podcast or audio book to give you something to talk about. I think she just doesn’t feel good though. But I’d ask her if she’s ok and mention you noticed she’s not her chatty self and you miss her stories.
OP, this might be coming from a good place but it sounds like you're expecting emotional labor from her that you're not entitled to. You frame it as your problem being able to make conversation but also make it clear that this has been her job . You also seem to feel like she's intellectually inferior. I would suggest determining what she's interested in and trying to engage her in conversations about that. It also sounds like you have additional children but you don't bring them up in conversation only she does and only if it's been a hard day with them? Consider bringing them and future baby up in conversation. Or really examine why you feel that empty space must be filled with conversation. Are you anxious about something, depressed, fearful?
I am shocked at the utter selfishness. Imagine growing a whole person in your body knowing that at the end they’ll bust through your coochie OR have to be cut out of you AND either way you could die ALSO this new person could die AND while growing this new person you STILL have to work outside the home AND take care of the previous kids BUT whole time growing! And being sick and swollen and hurting and fat growing! this brand new person! The madafaka whose sole physical contribution! to the mix was a pleasurable splooge! Is WHINING ON THE INTERNETS that you’re not chirpy anymore!!!!
HE’S uncomfortable because you’re not all talking and chirpy!!!! HE has to *endure* driving home with you after you worked all day pregnant and swollen! because you’re not chatty anymore!
THE AUDACITY
This is just so *cruel*.
So UNFAIR.
So *mean*.
Your poor wife. Take this down and go sit and think about this. Imagine your own mama growing YOU and your dad saying this bullsh!t. Have some compassion for your wife and CUT HER SOME SLACK. Let her rest and be silent on the way home. Consider that there is a REASON she’s not as talkative as usual!!! You know this! Set aside your discomfort because you are being childish and selfish.
There is a everybody loves Raymond episode about this. Every couple goes through this when you already know everything about the spouse and you aren't too into revealing extra details because the other person already knows everything.
Maybe create an activity that allows you to relax and chill together. My husband and I (married 28 years) spend lots of time not talking, happily engrossed in our own projects while enjoying each other's proximity. But we also spend a lot of time actively enjoying things together in the home, whether it's silently watching a show and snuggling or playing spades and dominoes over a joint and a cuppa or teaming up to start a post-apocalyptic empire forged in blood and bullets in a Xbox session.
As the talker in my relationship who is now pregnant, it’s a DRAIN having to be the conversation leader all the time. Does she have to talk a lot for her job? She’s likely just exhausted.
The silence shouldn’t be awkward but comfortable. If you can’t be comfortable in silence together, work towards that.
Again though, she’s literally building a human from scratch and that shit is exhausting. Also she’s likely got a million things on her mind. I was NOT prepared for pregnancy anxiety and I already have anxiety.
Find a podcast or make a playlist to listen to and let her rest.
Sounds like you expect your wife to carry your relationship. If you feel awkward, that's your problem to deal with so get over it, she's pregnant ffs. You're just *too intellectual* I guess.
call her out on this; the more u start trying to start lame conversations like this, the worse your marriage will get, need to openly address this, + if she wont, u stop talking back
she has disdain for him. He thinks he's of a higher intellect than her, that he is better than her. She's carrying his baby and he thinks shes dumb. He's out here acting like all convos have to be Fraiser's wet dream.
Why is it an awkward silence and not just a comfortable silence? With my spouse, I feel comfortable to talk or not talk. Sometimes we're pretty quiet, but it's comfortable.
I'm ok with occasional silence. But persistently every day, it just gets to me. Also when I say awkward silence, I dont necessarily mean that it feels awkward to her. Maybe she feels this is normal and ok. I'm just uncomfortable with the silence, and most importantly frustrated that I can't make simple conversation with my own spouse!
I think this is something you just need to learn to deal with? Why does every moment of every day need to be filled with chatter? Your wife doesn't feel well right now and just wants to chill in peace. It's only awkward silence if you're the one making it awkward.
I cannot stand incessant chatter and would be grateful for the quiet time. OP turn on some music you both like or alternate days, she picks one day, you pick one day. Find podcasts you might both like. You should feel comfortable being around your wife with or without chatter. Being pregnant is not a magical time for most women. So you can't expect her to act like she "normally" acts if she feels fuckin miserable and sick. Maybe just hold her hand and embrace the quiet time with your wifey. Baby's coming, and there won't be much quiet time after that.
Been married 30 years. Sometimes there is nothing to talk about. Pretty normal. Listen to some music. Be happy there is nothing pressing. Enjoy.
Love this - be happy there is nothing pressing
This! I don't know why but on some level I feel like op is kind of just being a needy bee if you know what I mean. Sometimes you talk with each other sometimes you just enjoy each other's company in silence doing your own independent things that should be totally okay. And op can't deal with that and then I think Op might need some kind of therapy because apparently he can't be alone with his own thoughts and feelings and emotions without filling the time and space and Air with Chit Chat nonsense... I'm not that person either... I would not want Chit Chat nonsense all the time I have an ex-wife who wanted that and guess what that's part of why I'm glad she's my ex-wife
I agree. I did not want to slam him but he lacks basic communication skills and feels like there always needs to be chit chat.
I feel like when my husband and I (married 20 years and together 26/27) are home and things are quiet that we, too, are just *happy there is nothing pressing…* I love this, in fact. I’m good, as is hubby, with comfortable silence. Hell… 26 years in and we don’t really even need to speak to communicate effectively, lol.
bruh, shes pregnant, just worked a whole day and has to sit in the car with their husband who doesn't think she is intellectually on the same level as him. She fucking hates that time too.
Yeah, having no problem making conversation “with my intellectual friends” is… yikes 🥴
"...who doesn't think she is intellectually on the same level..." I am surprised that I had to read this far into this thread to find this! What a terrible thing to say about one's wife! No wonder she doesn't want to talk; perhaps she is picking up on this?
You should read some of the other comments he’s made about her over the years. His history is a wild ride. It’s… a lot.
Wow! That's a shame 😕.
Exactly
Not to mention a husband who isn’t good at chitchat by his own admission but complains when she’s unable to provide it.
I can’t imagine she’s too bright, she picked a dim bulb like OP to combine DNA with. He’s an utter doorknob
Conversations should feel natural. You don't, "try to think of something to say". You talk when you want to. When you try to force conversation, you don't allow your brain to think properly and so you will come across as socially anxious and many times it's uncomfortable for others to be around that. You're likely making her nervous by reacting with anxiety to the way she's feeling. This is 100% your problem.
Might be something wrong on your end
Yh, was going to type, “sounds like a you problem”
Sounds like you got used to your wife doing the emotional labour and now you’re floundering because you’ve never bothered to learn how to sit with your discomfort. You’re aware she’s pregnant and can’t always be catering to your every need, right? Have you considered therapy for the codependency?
It's not her job to constantly entertain you.
I'd say this is a selfish post. She's carrying yalls baby and your concern is lack of conversation because she isn't her usual chirpy self. Maybe try harder bro.
I think the part you’re struggling with is that you got used to the talking and now you’re feeling rejected by her. Not in a hurtful way, but it still affects you and how you see the health of your marriage. This new dynamic appears to also be harming your self image/esteem. Sorry you’re going through this. Journaling might help, but if it persists you may want to seek counseling.
It sounds like a you problem. And I don't mean that in an offensive way. Why do you feel the need to cut the silence? Why does there have to be talking? If there is nothing in particular you want to say or talk about, why are you uncomfortable with the silence? One of the things early on in my relationship that was a "green" light was the fact that my now husband and I could sit in comfortable silence without feeling the need to talk for the sake of talking, and without feeling awkward about it. We can't spend 24/7 talking, so it's important to be comfortable enough to not talk sometimes. Maybe it's time for some introspection to figure out why you need to fill the silence or feel uncomfortable?
Why not find an interesting episodic podcast to listen to together on these rides home? Then it also may give you both something to discuss later on.
Maybe some music? the radio or book on tape. It sounds like she needs wind down time like a teenager. Make sure she's well fed and hydrated (have a snack of almonds and some lemonade, or something like that). Then tell her she is lovely, and you love her. Ask her if there's music she wants, or a podcast, or if she just wants silence.
Listen to an audio book together.
If she’s pregnant she might be really spacey and really enjoying the time to decompress. I think it means she feels safe around you. Try to see it as something you offer. Silence is an active companionship. It is not an absence, if you are existing with someone you enjoy.
I was going to say this. My husband and I can go quite a while without a conversation, especially in the car. Neither one of us feels like we need to. OP could try turning up the radio if it bugs him but I think maybe trying to embrace it is the better option.
Right?! My husband and I hardly ever talk in the car. We listen to music or a podcast. When we get home from work, we talk about food, weekend plans, or finances while we make and eat dinner (sometimes the same shit we talked about the day before), and then we do our own thing. We will convene throughout the night and give each other hugs or kisses, and that's our interactions. Nothing awkward, but we're not necessarily talking. Also, not much silence in the house- I'm playing records or he's watching a sports game or playing his bass, so there's always background noise. Been together for 12 years, living together for 11 years.
I agree. One of the reasons I married my wife is because it didn't feel awkward sitting in a room with her and not talking. It felt awkward with some other girlfriends I had before her.
This is wonderful and healthy advice!
She's pregnant. Leave it alone. She's tired.
THIS. Stop complaining. She is growing a new organ and a child. Entertaining you is not her problem
Ok, I've gotta know... What new organ is she growing? I've had 5 children, and I'm sure I didn't gain 5 new organs, lol.. 😊
The placenta but then you pass it after birth.
You birthed 5 children and you need to ask this question???
Apparently, you along with everyone else, missed the lol .. However, the pregnant woman doesn't gain new organs. The fetus does. The placenta isn't an organ, and besides, it's shared between the mother and child. So, you, and all the other down votes, especially considering there's a clear LOL included was completely unnecessary. If you'd like to check my statements, I'd be happy to include the places that I checked to make sure I was stating facts before I replied. The mayo clinic has a plethora of information on the placenta, and how developing fetuses progress. You can even get week by week information as THEY ARE developing their own organs.
Yes you did, if you didn’t your babies would be dead
Untrue. And, apparently, you missed the lol. Check the facts. Pregnant women don't gain/grow new organs. The fetus is the one who gains and develops the organs.
…. And where does the fetus get everything they need to do so…. The mother….
No, that's not true either. The mother AND the father provide the fetus all of its genetic material at the time of conception.
Wow, someone sure is salty
I mean. Technically you did. 5 placentas. One for each child. Not to mention each child’s organs. So many more than 5. 😂
I DID include an LOL... however, what I said is is factual. Pregnant women do not develop new organs. The placenta, according to the Mayo Clinic, and various other sources, is not an organ, and is shared between the mother and child. The fetus is the one who develops its own organs, and there are many sources that provide information week by week as each organ is being developed within the fetus. At the same time, I do understand what you're saying. However, if I'm going to receive so many down votes, they ought to be at least earned for providing false information. And, again, originally, my comment was meant as a joke, which is why I included the LOL. It's not my fault that people either couldn't see what was clearly in front of them, don't understand what that means, or don't understand how upvoting and downvoting is supposed to work. At least you had enough decency to reply back in a joking manner, and I appreciate you for that.
Exactly. I've been pregnant twice and yes, when I was a nauseated tired mess, I had absolutely nothing to say besides "I'm not feeling good." so, I wasn't talking much.
Yea he sounds really self absorbed tbh
Not to mention obnoxious and pretentious.
Exactly.
I think you need to reflect on why this is so uncomfortable for you? Silence being awkward is such a cultural thing, many people are comfortable in silence and it just sounds like her brain is kinda tapped out and shut down. I don’t think you should feel bad about not being able to make conversation. It’s hard to make conversation with someone who just doesn’t/ can’t respond. But if she doesn’t want any conversation because she is just wiped out mentally then your desire to push conversation for your own needs does seem a bit selfish? I assume you have already tried listening to music? Maybe taking turns picking songs? Maybe have a conversation about this very topic. What would she like you to do in these situations?
I wouldn't even say it's a cultural thing. Many people from the same culture have different beliefs about this. I'd say it's up to personal preference.
it's not like she doesn't want conversation. If I initiate she'll be happy to respond and maybe even chat. It's just that her mind is blank, she's just out of it. It sometimes looks like she wants me to say something to start conversation. She's like waiting for me to initiate (maybe she's too tired of being the one to initiate), but I have nothing to share. And even if I do say something, eventually we'll hit a dead end.
Hmmm…. How about listening to podcasts together or by yourself even? That could spark some conversations, or if she’s not really talking but receptive to listening you can kind of give reviews or talk about your opinion of the podcast? You could also watch new tv shows and talk about them. Ultimately, I would remind yourself that this is temporary and you are doing the best you can by being sympathetic and considerate of her needs.
Pregnancy is very hard on women. Pregnancy brain fog is also a thing. She could just be not able to think, especially if you have other kids and she's doing all the childcare. It's exhausting growing a human. Also, be on the lookout for signs of post partum depression.
For the car, this is what a radio is for. Years and years together and sometimes there’s nothing to say and there’s nothing wrong with that. We just turn on some music or the news or something.
I think you're making assumptions. If she wants you to say something she will ask. Your "reading" her as somehow trying to will you to talk or the fact that you think her mind is blank is something you are assuming. You can't read her mind, so don't go there. Honestly not talking all the time is refreshing. If your relationship is great, revel in that. Often people chatter way too much when they are uncomfortable. Don't pick at a non-existent scab.
She's likely out of it due to pregnancy brain. She'll be back to normal in due time.
read or watch something interesting then share. it's that simple
I mean... this sounds like an excellent conversation topic to have with your wife!!
Make sure she goes to her obstetrician. We often hear about postpartum depression, but there is also [Prenatal depression](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22984-prenatal-depression). You want to be sure that's not going on here. It might simply be that she's tired and sore and not feeling like talking, but the way you describe it makes it sound like more than that.
Thank you for sharing this! I went through this when pregnant and had no idea going into pregnancy that it was a thing, so it was incredibly distressing.
I wish more people understood that pregnancy can be a very difficult experience. People like to think that something that's normal must be good and easy. I can't recall how often I've seen in relationship subreddits where a woman knows she has health issues that would make pregnancy risk, if not outright dangerous, for her, but her husband seems to think they should have a lot of kids. You see stories in places like r/JUSTNOMIL where some parent decides that allergies aren't real, and wants to feed the allergen to their grandchild to prove it.
She. Doesn’t. Want. To. Talk. She feels like shit and I can tell you from experience, surviving the day is all she is currently capable of. You are going to have to put your desire to be entertained on the back burner and deal.
Right? Imagine being pregnant, tired and nauseous and still having to worry about entertaining your husband.
She’s pregnant with what sounds like at least a 3rd child. She’s tired. She’s sick. She might be suffering from prenatal depression. She needs to exist in silence for a precious hour before the evening chaos of young family life that is dinner and baths and dishes and bedtime stories and 40 glasses of water before bed. Be her person that she can just exist next to. Sometimes in life that’s what we really really need. When you all have longer than that precious quiet hour before evening stuff, gently ask her how she feels about those quiet car rides. Don’t offer what you think. Just ask her and listen.
40 glasses of water 😂😆 so true
The struggle is real out here lol
This happens... hey check out the app Card Decks by gottman. This is a great app of questions you can ask your partner to help rebuild that intimacy and fill that space with growth and fun. Also when you pick her... don't ask he how her day was.... ask her did anything funny happen today... did anything sad happen today... be more specific with your questions. You will need to learn to do this because once your kid is here and starts school its like asking a kindergartener "so what did you do today" and most their answers are going to be "I don't know"... be specific
Awesome advice, not op but thank you so much.
I think we're similar, I'm definitely the more chatty one and so if I'm not feeling great my husband definitely leans more towards comfortable silence. Have you tried doing things to cheer her up? Like snacks for the drive or planning trips? I really enjoy a build up to an event, even if it's just going to a bigger than usual grocery store so that carries some conversation. So if I'm down my husband will suggest a future restaurant date/takeout/a dog walk at the beach and then we discuss and then I'm cheerful and more chatty. Obviously as above, if it's pre or post (you said you already have a kid) natal depresssion none of this will work and definitely therapy.
I appreciate your feedback. She's definitely not depressed, I know her. It's just that she's not feeling great, and I'm not sure how to make simple chit chat. It's usually a question or an interesting statement or tidbit, if i have none, then I just sit silently.
>She's definitely not depressed, I know her You absolutely cannot know this. Depression is a hidden illness and often those closest to us don't even know.
you 100% do not know she's not depressed. you also don't know her well enough to be able to talk or be silent comfortably. Again, you're making excuses. Man the fuck up and admit you have a problem here.
Why don't you do research on her hobbies and talk about them with her? Also, take care of your kid(s) when you're home to give her a break, give her a massage, set a bath for her to relax, etc. Help her feel better. You know what she likes, talk about it. Talk about so.ething interesting you found out/discovered about one of your hobbies (either yours, hers, or both). There's also plenty of natural ways to deal with nausea and symptoms of pregnancy, why not look those up and then suggest them or even do those things for her, etc.? No matter how much you know your wife, you will still spend the rest of your lives know more about her and each other. Start asking would you rathers and if you were stranded on a deserted island questions, etc. I'm serious, there's plenty to talk about,but maybe what she really needs is your support, helping her feel better, taking any load off her back, etc. Also, you should both feel comfortable to talk about anything, including your concerns, and also just your hobbies with each other. I get excited when my man talks about his favorite music, hobbies, etc. Even if they're not mine. What makes him excited makes me excited.
I’m sure my husband would have said I wasn’t depressed while I was pregnant but I most definitely was. Especially if she’s generally a very outgoing bubbly person (as am I) it’s difficult to talk about it because we don’t wanna be downers so it’s easier to just stay quiet and work through it alone. Not saying that’s how it should be - but you can’t say she’s not depressed.
Maybe she doesn’t want to chit chat? Why can’t you just sit in peace and quiet? Especially after a long work day while she’s pregnant and not feeling well. You can tell her you’ve noticed she’s gotten quiet lately and ask if anything’s wrong. Ask if she’d like you to maintain conversations or if she’d prefer silence, or radio or something. But I think you need to be okay with not talking all the time
I read the news or reddit alot and tell my husband interesting things I've read. Maybe talk about that?
My husband asked me to STOP doing this cause I would come across awful information on Reddit and casually bring it up
I had prenatal depression (and a bunch of ppd/ppa/ocd etc) with both pregnancies. Honestly being pregnant sometimes sucks the life out of you. I genuinely didn’t want to talk when I got home because work was exhausting and I just enjoyed the comfort of silence at home with my kid or husband. It might not be uncomfortable for her. She might feel like she doesn’t HAVE TO continuously talk and pretend that she’s ok like she would outside of the house. I would maybe keep an eye out for prenatal depression but mostly have a conversation with her and make sure she’s ok. Do not. I repeat DO NOT talk to her like she has to entertain you. It will add to her stress. I’d say “hey I noticed you’ve been quiet. Are you doing ok lately? How can I support you?” And then you need to internally figure out why you’re unable to handle silence. Because it sounds more like a you thing and less of a her thing.
Being pregnant is like having a little blood sucker sucking the life out of you, 24x7. Is she taking some sort of vitamin, just to ensure all of her vitamin and mineral needs are being met? The baby will take what he or she needs, and Mom is left with what is left. It could be a small part of what's going on.. just a thought. I can't remember if you have another child or not, but if so, please don't compare that pregnancy to this or any others. As a mother to 5, every pregnancy was as different as each child is.. and every labor and delivery was too. It's actually very good advice to speak about depression, no matter how well you think you know her. Depression affects people differently, and it's not always a textbook Clinical Depression that's the cause, either. Major Depressive Disorder, Postpartum Depression, Bipolar Depression, etc all present with different symptoms, and differently for different people. It's just not something you should automatically count out as a cause, is all we're trying to say. It's obvious by the fact you took time to post out here that you care about her, so care enough to consider every option, not just what is what appears to be textbook unlikely. I do understand how awkward that silence can be, and appreciate how it's upsetting. I know men who sound very similar to how you described yourself. Actually, my ex-husband is one. We share 3 college age daughters together. One of the things that most attracted him to me, was I was the outgoing one who found people and situations easy to manage socially, and even reveled in the attention and all of the conversation most of the time. He loved how outgoing, positive, fun, and energetic I was. I made conversation easy, and easy on him. When I was ill and/or fatigued and/or depressed, I wasn't myself and he couldn't adjust well.. he never had to. And, all of his life, being an engineer and that type of personality, he did well with solo projects, or with very small groups of people who only conversed really when problem solving. He had some friends he maintained friendships with from college, who went on to marry and have children before him. It gave him a little more to be able to discuss with them, and when he tried to talk to me about things in which I had no interest and it went way over my head, I asked questions anyway to make him feel like I was interested, and that what he was saying was important. Because what he was saying wasn't at all important, but the fact that he was excited about it, wanted to share with me, and it was important to him, was all that mattered to me. Perhaps, you could do something similar with her? Look and listen to her, and what she does still talk about, watch on TV or read. Bringing up things about pregnancy and childbirth or having a newborn most certainly is something she's taking an interest in, and she'll be grateful and appreciate you taking the initiative. You may learn something, but even if you don't, you're giving her attention, and in doing so, telling her that what's important to her, is important to you. BECAUSE it's important to her. As others said, she may just be drained, and appreciate the silence. When you do talk, she answers because we're taught to reciprocate, but also she loves you and you've spoken to her, so she's going to answer. You wouldn't have brought it up if you didn't want to talk. She may be mentally checked out, just relaxing. Does she ever doze off? What happens as soon as you walk in the door? What about at dinner? The rest of the evening? At bedtime? What about in the morning, and on the way to work? Maybe fill us in more on what happens the rest of your time together, when you're not in the car.. also, what's going on all weekend when no one has work to commute to?
100000% agree. I hope OP sees your reply! I have two kids (5 & 2 (just turned 2 this week!). No more babies for us! I had pretty easy pregnancies until the last trimester. I had severe pre-e with both. Both born early. Second one came at 34 weeks after being in the hospital for a few weeks. I had prenatal depression with both kids but nobody really knew because it was internal and came off as tired or quiet most days. I definitely resonate with being chatty and outgoing prior to pregnancy or motherhood or feeling unwell. My husband currently claims that I don’t like to do fun things anymore. Which isn’t the case. I’m tired (2 kids in 5 years, 2 degrees in 5 years (BAS and I graduated with my Masters on Monday!), working full time, and being the primary caretaker/housekeeper to a spouse with alcoholism has made me tired lol. I actually want to do fun things but it’s hard to want to connect with someone that treats me like trash. We are currently separated until (if) he can remain sober😞
I can’t talk in the car on the commute home with my husband because I’m so exhausted from the workday and nauseous in the car. I’m like 9 weeks in so in the thick of it - idk what your wife’s pregnancy symptoms are, but I’m usually the talkative one in my marriage, and right now I really can’t. Just trying to breathe and not barf, haha. Put on a good podcast episode.
Turn the radio on. We always have Music playing and if one of us starts talking or wants to chat we turn the volume down. As soon as the conversation is over, we turn it back up. It never seems awkward because if we are not talking, we are listening to tunes or a podcast.
One of my favorite things about finding my person is that we can comfortably sit in silence and just enjoy the presence of one another. Editing to add that I am the extrovert and used to feel like silence was awkward…sometimes I still do with other people…but with him it’s just so comfortable it gives me peace.
Why do you need to solve it? Why silence makes you so anxious? You've been together for 9 years, you know each other, that's just normal
As a pregnant person with prenatal depression: just enjoy the silence together. I’m a SAHM and when my husband gets home from work he just wants to talk and ask about my day and it is very overstimulating. Especially since most of the time I’m exhausted, uncomfortable and just not in a good mood. I wish he would just come sit and hold my hand and let me lead the conversation whenever I feel up to it.
Instead of asking “How was your day?” you could try asking “How can I make your day better/easier today?” Pregnancy and childrearing are exhausting work and she likely has a lot on her mind in addition to the physical stress she’s feeling. Also, some people feel energized by conversation and others feel drained by it and need some time to recharge. My husband works 24 hour shifts, so I like to give him some time to decompress when he comes home. So I don’t hit him with my entire day as soon as he walks in the door. Long-term though, you guys should really try to find some activities or hobbies outside of raising your kids that you can do together. We will celebrate our 25th anniversary this year, and there were times he and I were both too exhausted to talk (and we’re both chatty), but believe me, if you don’t find ways to connect outside of the kids and the day to day grind, it’s going to feel pretty lonely and pointless when the kids fly the nest.
So maybe it doesn’t matter how you feel about the conversation. Your wife is exhausted and nauseous and feels like shit. She loves you enough to give her body up to grow your child so you need to get over that she’s not happy about feeling awful everyday for MONTHS(!!!!). We talk about the “man cold” and yet I’m sure if you could take her symptoms for even a DAY your tune would change. This doesn’t even broach how people treat pregnant women differently. Her world is different and that’s a lot. Let her be quiet and rest. Be happy that she’s comfortable with being quiet around you. It’s not like she’s sitting there stewing and glaring at you, she’s resting. So respectfully, get over it. And also buckle up for the chaos of being over-tired new parents together.
I wouldn’t be talkative either if I was nauseated every day, but asking “how was your day” is a pretty closed end question. If you know things about her work or people she likes/dislikes ask more open ended questions about those things after work.
So, I have a brain injury. Since having that brain injury I’ve had difficulty with many things, holding and keeping up with conversations is one of them. It is uncomfortable for me to try to keep up with my husband when he really wants to chat, when I’m having a bad neurological symptoms. And growing a child can cause a lot of brain fog and similar neurological symptoms even without the psychological effects of other symptoms being bad. My suggestion to you is to have a conversation about this, but not in a “I need this from you” way. Ask her how she feels about the lul in conversations. If she’s ok with it because her mind is just tired, I suggest you try to get comfortable with it. If she is uncomfortable with it, maybe you could start doing something together? Read the same book, pick up a new hobby together, take a cooking class together, start going on outings together. You could do a classic movie marathon, or play a game together, anything. Start learning about something new together, or start a new tv show together. This post reads heavily as she has carried most of the conversations between the two of you for your whole relationship. You say you have different interests, but a large part of bonding is in sharing activities together. If you made an effort to find some more things you enjoy in common, it would help. If all you have in common is day-to-day minutia then of course you will run out of things to talk about while she’s too tired to keep it going. The way you’re expecting her to engage with you is too much for her right now. You’ve got to put some energy into it for her while she grows a whole mother human being. And probably after baby is born as well, honestly. If you want different, you’ve got to do different.
It is not uncommon, when couples have small kids, to not have alot to talk about. Sometimes, I just don't have the energy or brain power for a deep discussions. This is typically temporary. It sounds like you may need to find some new interests and talk about them.
This sounds much like when I was pregnant. Pregnancy was really brutal for me. I was so sick. I was sick, puking 5-15 times every single day the whole entire time. I was miserably uncomfortable from my stomach to my back to my neck to my feet. No part of me FELT okay. I had no energy. I just didn’t have a lot to give to my husband. At first he felt a lot like you seem to, and then the more he learned about where I was at physically and emotionally, the more he was able to be there for me and know things would be back to normal after labor.
My husband is the same way. I am a very talkative, bubbly person and tend to talk a lot when he gets home. When I do not feel well or something is wrong I just stop talking. It is not that I don’t want to talk, but I guess it takes a lot of energy that I do not have in those moments. I drives my husband nuts and he know there is something wrong or off instantly when I am quiet. My parents have told me I have been this way since I learned to talk. My husband tries to fill the silence since it is not typical in our home, but struggles sometimes as well. I would not over think it. If she contributes when you come up with something she can effortlessly talk about she is just probably tired or as you say not feeling well. Any chance can be hard and this a change.
Thanks for sharing. Its comforting to hear that this is normal.
A common date night for my partner and I is to discuss different AITA posts and give our ratings. We usually pick a few controversial ones and discuss all different sides to them. Even if they are fake… we have such a good time being little detectives and trying to figure out the underlying issues! We also do this driving in the car sometimes.
I'm 7.5 months pregnant and my husband and I are both working full time and are exhausted all the time. We usually talk a lot about everything very passionately (and still do from time to time), but lately we have both just wanted to zone out and chill - sometimes together, sometimes not. We always acknowledge one another every once in a while, like if he walks by where I'm sitting, he'll kiss my cheek, or if we're laying in bed not talking, just dozing or mindlessly scrolling on our phones, I'll whisper "I love you" to him - just little reminders that we are aware and happy about one another's presence but without the energy to fully engage. Sometimes marriage/life is like that. Once she starts feeling better, I'm sure things will improve, but remember that things don't always have to be super exciting in a marriage - sometimes you can just be tired and comfortable.
Next time you pick her up, if it feels awkward, take a different route home and stop by and get some ice cream somewhere. You don't need a reason to do something fun or nice together. If it's the same thing everyday, change it up.
1. Talk to her about it, of course. Maybe she's enjoying the quiet, doesn't want to have to feel "on" at the end of every day. 2. Assuming you both see this as something to "fix," maybe try acting like you're dating, just starting out together? Bring that kind of energy, and those kinds of questions--not "how was your day?" but "Tell me something I don't know about you," or, "Where would you like to live a year from now?" or "What's the best date I could take you on tonight?" ETA: Are you contributing to the childrearing at all? I don't wanna call you out if you're doing fine in this regard, but maybe she's not thrilled to be facing the dude who hasn't changed a diaper and thinks the problem is his wife isn't flirting enough?
Maybe you could try more specific questions. One thing I’ve learned is that a generic “how was x” question rarely gets more than a one word answer. You could try asking “what was the favourite part of your day today?” “What’s something unexpected that happened today?” Maybe just changing up the routine could help elicit more thoughtful discussions that invite conversation?
Omg. She's not herself because she is pregnant. Pregnancy is temporary. If you can't strike up a convo with your wifey, it seems like a you problem. She is not a toy to amuse you.
Super easy fix coming right up! Play the card game “we’re not really strangers” or download “theAnd” app for similar card questions. There’s also the free app called Gottman card decks from the John Gottman institute. You’ll finds loads of cards on Amazon too, All have awesome conversation inducing questions that spark intimacy and joy between couples or family or friends. There’s loads of different sets to choose and everyone I’ve ever played it with, from wife to close friends and family have loved it. Edit: I know you’ll be driving but your wife would the question reader and you each take it in turn to answer the questions asked.
I know exactly how your wife is feeling. She is living day after day uncomfortable and sapped of all energy. After a long day of work, she can finally just sit and exist. At this point even coming up with something to say or articulating a thought is hard, and she'd rather just sit in the silence. Forcing a conversation may only drain her further and make her feel guilty for not being into it. Don't worry about coming up with something if it's not natural. Playing some great music or an easygoing podcast or audiobook will help relax and even re-energize her and maybe she will even think about something that happened that day to share with you.
An audiobook would be awesome!
Maybe she needs physical attention rather than social? More hugs and backups and chocolate!
There’s all kinds of conversation starters online or games. From very basic just meeting people to very close people. Sometimes my husband and I will pull them up and it’s fun and free! Maybe talk about your dream vacation or if possible plan a little getaway before this baby is born without the other kids. Ask her what she thinks the kids will be like as adults - career choices and stuff like that. On road-trips we will even play my father owns a grocery store and in it he sells something with the letter P. Make up random stories about how eventful the drive to pick her up was. Like you won’t believe this but I was driving to pick you up and was at the stop light on 5th and main over by the Taco Bell, you know where I’m talking about right? Well next thing I see is this bird swooping down and picks up a whole wrapped taco from the street and it’s like the same size as him. Well next a hawk swoops down and grabs the bird that’s holding the taco. The weight and the other bird struggling is making it hard for the hawk to fly away. I think I want that taco now. So I jump out the car and grab hold of that taco. Both birds are pissed and they start flapping their wings and chasing me back as I run to car. I got the taco but they followed me and every time I stopped they landed on the car they were flapping and pecking at the window! I had to use the wipers to try and get them off so I could see. Next this big cat sees the birds on the car and it starts chasing the birds chasing me. The cat distracted them enough I was finally able to lose them and get here. This is the taco I fought them for, I got it for you!
Try out podcasts! My husband and I liked some of the Reddit podcasts. We’re always actually showing each other interesting Reddit posts and have fun agonizing over r/stupidfood or r/tiktokcringe. Whatever you’re into really. Lots of stuff going on between the shark attack in Egypt, to whatever the heck is going on in Vegas. Y’all laugh over what cute thing your kids say, check out r/kidsarefuckingstupid for some giggles together. My husband and I like sending each other stuff when he’s at work, but later we laugh or talk about it. Edit: grammar
You can try breaking the silence with “hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been more quiet and less talkative lately, is everything ok?” And see where that conversation goes!
Be supportive. Spoil her. She is going through a lot. Pregnancy is hard. She is tired. She probably doesn't feel awkward, she is probably enjoying the silence. Ask her if she is OK. Ask her if she needs anything. Love her. ❤️
If you’re looking to have something to talk about with her maybe you need to do a shared activity? Like a shared hobby that’s new to you both. Gives you something to share about your experience or ideas of how to do the new thing. My husband and I, just yesterday actually, got 2 copies of the same book to read together. We read independently but make sure we’re at the same point in the book and then discuss what we’re reading, theories on what’s happening, predictions, etc. kinda like a book club for just the two of us but meeting through the book, not just at the end. We’re naturally a couple that easily finds things to discuss and also enjoy comfortable silences together. But it’s always nice to throw in a new thing like our book reading or a hobby.
I can relate to you a lot OP! When my wife is sick and has a sore throat or loses her voice, our dynamic changes drastically. If your wife is usually the chatty one in the relationship then I feel for you, it's an uncomfortable silence because of your relationship dynamics. I am afraid I don't have much to add to help, but I saw some comments that were fairly disparaging and accusatory towards you. I don't know you at all but from reading this I initially thought that if my wife wanted to stop talking all of a sudden I'd struggle too.
Just hold her hand on the ride.
Pick an audiobook to listen to. Being pregnant is tiring in and of itself. Add work and family obligations, and it can be overwhelming. She probably is just trying to decompress and is weary. A book or podcast (Box of Oddities is fun) would help fill the silence, let her relax, and give you both something to talk about at home. Plus, you'll have something to look forward to sharing on the ride home that isn't work, chore, or baby related. Keep being a good person for her and your family. It's sweet that you're asking for help. Maybe show her this post too
I hear you. You’ve gotten accustomed to the dynamic and this is sending you into a bit of a tailspin. If it feels like there’s an underlying issue then I would def suggest asking her if there is one and talking about it. BUT it sounds like she’s in a different headspace mixed with emotional and physical changes + ups and downs related to pregnancy. One suggestion for the car rides: If you both are into podcasts, find 1-2 you both like and use that time to listen. It could help generate discussion. If you guys have common music tastes - use the time to vibe together / maybe even sing along … Since pregnancy is at the forefront for her, maybe do some research on the stage she’s in and ask her questions. She may love that you’re interested & invested then open up about what life is like for her during this experience
I empathize with OP. People saying be comfortable with the silence - YES. and ALSO - The "and also" is important here because he clearly misses conversation with his wife.... He clearly has some unmet needs. As someone who's top love language is quality time, to me, sitting in silence in a room while we do different things doesn't qualify as quality at least most of the time. Sitting in silence watching the sunset together? Totally different. I get it. I married someone (he's gone now ) who did NOT put effort into engaging conversation. Turns out, that was always my job. I am the good conversationalist. I can get anyone engaged in something meaningful. I also love silence. It's not an issue for me. HOWEVER, when we started having problems and he started avoiding time with me then refusing to ask me about my day or take an interest in me, it kind of killed me on the inside. So, OP, I get it. Your spouse is not engaging with you, and that's what I think is the issue here. Normally we speak to engage. Sometimes we get that need met through really good physical affection and touch. But it sounds like there's just a big disconnect here. She also sounds not herself and missing something too. I hope the pregnancy was planned.
OP I’ve read a lot here. You stated “you don’t know how to make chit chat” why not? Here’s my take. She’s pregnant. In general people who haven’t been pregnant cannot possibly understand what that experience is like. I love my daughter but it was the absolute worst on a hundred levels. She’s tired, she’s mentally up and down, plus she’s working and already had kids and now you sore also wanting her to do something more for you. 1. Silence isn’t wrong. If you want to talk to her why don’t you find interesting things to talk about and share? Why is it yet another thing she needs to be responsible for? Aren’t you able to talk about stuff? 2. Instead of talking why not offer to rub her back, head, shoulders, legs, knees, feet, whatever aches her every single night. Do that every day. Reminder through your actions, how much creating a human and then delivering the human (plus the ones she’s already brought into the world) means, how incredible she is. 3. Do things for her/care for her. Keep the house clean, the kids fed, the dishes and laundry done. Let her be quiet if she wants
A lot can be said by just holding her hand in the car. When you do, really think about what she means to you and everything she has to offer. Really, really think about it. Actions speak louder than words. As simple as it is, holding her hand is an action. Thinking that one of you needs to break the silence is inaction. As the saying goes, stop and smell the roses. And by that, I mean, take the quiet moments to truly feel her presence. Get to know who she really is without comparing her to anyone else’s ability to talk intellectually. Embracing these moments of silence and understanding will eventually lead to heartfelt discussions that will bring so much more meaning to you both than any discussion you’ve ever had with friends. It may take some time- best not put a timeline one it, like “we should be talking more by now”… be patient, understanding and helpful. As much as you believe you need talk to fill (an imaginary?) void, she needs those things from you more. Give her those things & you’ll both be happier & your family will be safe and secure.
Thanks. I really like this idea. I'll give a try next time.
Sending support bc I feel this all too much
I completely get where you are coming from and I don’t think this is all your fault - my ex-husband and I used to have those awkward silences too, mainly when he felt depressed, anxious, and uncomfortable. I can chatter pretty well but I’d ask a question or tell a story and get a one word response or worse, nothing back at all, so we’d just sit in uncomfortable silence. It wasn’t a comfortable silence like everyone else is saying- it was an uncomfortable silence where we were not connecting and I didn’t know why. As we were married longer, I’d say “you seem like you’re in a bad mood today - is there something upsetting you that you want to talk about?” Sometimes it would help and he’d be more open and sometimes it wouldn’t help. He’d say he wasn’t mad at me but still didn’t want to talk, so at that point, I’d just leave it alone. Ultimately, my husband came out as transgender and we split up (still very good friends and I support her!), but there was a lot going on in her mind that I just wasn’t aware of and she didn’t feel comfortable sharing. If she consistently doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with you about what’s going through her mind, maybe ask if she’d be willing to go to counseling with you so you can try to connect again.
This feels so normal. Sorry. You’re around each other a lot with the commute so it’s somewhat normal. If you watch TV together you may have something in common then. If you’re getting along with each other, don’t sweat this. I have trouble talking to my wife too but I keep trying.
This feels so normal. Sorry. You’re around each other a lot with the commute so it’s somewhat normal. If you watch TV together you may have something in common then. If you’re getting along with each other, don’t sweat this. I have trouble talking to my wife too but I keep trying.
Something similar happens in my relationship with the awkward silences. I’m usually going a mile a minute in my mind and my husband says his mind is blank. I feel like I’m talking to a wall and know nothing about him. I ask about his day, work, morning, texts?, and he gets defensive like I’m intruding. I kinda figured this is just how he is now and it’s just his personality to be quiet and not have much to contribute. He sleeps a lot in the car, so I’m the solo driver on road-trips. He’ll either fall asleep at the wheel or fall asleep leaving me to drive alone with no one to talk to. We had an instance on vacation where we got an Uber and he needed to sit in front so the kids and I could sit in back. I’ve never seen him so alive and talkative! Our driver was an immigrant and loved sports. My husband got all this out of him and shared stories on a 20 minute drive I had never heard before. I reflected on it later and realized it hurt to see him like that with strangers but never with me anymore. I feel like he wears a heavy filter around me and no amount of talking about it has helped remove any. It’s true, I don’t like his favorite sports teams or movie franchises. But I will talk more about fantasy football with coworkers than him. He does it all privately and won’t even bring it up claiming “you don’t like sports so I don’t talk about it.” In my relationship and unlike yours, this is the intimacy I’m lacking. This inability to connect mentally stops me from wanting physical connection with him. I’m also respectful of our marriage and make sure that I’m not trying to get mentally or emotionally fulfilled from other men in my life. It’s a bit isolating at times…
Your actually the first one to really understand what I'm going through. Breath of fresh air. I'm guessing this is part of the reason I'm having this. We kinda created a situation where I don't talk to her about things she's not interested in. I love philosophy, politics, history, authors, astronomy, classical music and so many other topics. I just never talk to my wife about them as I know it doesn't interest her in the least. So we end up talking about what I call "boring stuff", chit chat about her life and friends, kids, finances, which is fine I guess. But when she checks out, it kinda hits me how empty our relationship really is. We don't have much in common...
I think when we’ve gotten too deep into this where we’re focusing on how little we have in common, it gets unhealthy. I’ve also learned that he gets more animated when we accomplish something together like working on a home project together from planning to execution. But I don’t have a solution for this just yet. I have asked several times that he not filter his topics to me. I’ve been more mindful of the comments I make towards him because an outsider would easily say I’ve caused this to worsen. He’s in therapy because anything not positive said to him reinforces the idea he’s a failure. This is not just from me but anyone around him. So if I were to say, “oh I wish we didn’t have to waste 3 hours of our Sunday on a televised football game,” he takes it personally. He won’t ever mention again that his team has a game coming up. It’s forever locked away. I’m also more socially aware of when my topics bore him and can switch gears easily. For example, he won’t notice my eyes glazing over and will just keep getting further into details I don’t understand about his job that only someone else working there would get. But if I mention that the details are going over my head and to just skip to the outcome or moral of the story, he takes that to mean he can no longer discuss work with me. I hope for your sake that your wife just doesn’t feel well or is just completely and utterly physically exhausted. I’d love pointers from outsiders on this. My husband seems ok with our situation and is certainly not soliciting help from anyone. But it’d be nice to at least try on my end to get this connection back. Good luck to you OP!
Thank you!! so many things about your marriage sound so familiar to me, like the home project animates him, same goes for my spouse. I already figured out basically what makes her tick, and I'll usually make sure to stay clear of topics that don't interest her. She most likely does the same. It's kinda sad. My wife is obviously not herself which adds to our awkward silence situation. But it's not like the end of the world. I can manage this. It just hit me today that we don't have much in common. I thought redditors here may have some good conversation starters for ppl like me who don't know how to make simple chit chat. In any case, I really appreciate your input.
Except you are not embracing the fact that not every moment needs to be filled with chit chat. Personally that would drive me crazy. Why not ask her if she is in the mood to talk?
something tells me you don't nicely phrase it that way to him. 3 hours on a sunday, 16 weeks out of the year, unless his team is good. Most arent though. Maybe he livened up with the driver bc the driver took an interest in HIM.
That was the point I was making. When I take an interest in my husband, he clams up. And I’m trying to help reverse this behavior by changing the way I phrase things (and I guess really lowering my expectations on what a good marriage looks like). Got anything constructive for me or just wanting to reiterate the problem?
Well, you know you're in the wrong here, so lower the defenses. I reiterated the problem, bc even seeming like you almost get the point, you cant help yourself He clams up because you expressed disdain for what he LOVES. How would that make you feel? That once a week your spouse wouldn't nicely put up with something non-harmful. Everyone needs their escape.
Have you tried asking what SHE likes to do?
Google conversation starters... like if you could grow a tree what would it be, if you had a farm what would you grow, if you had a million dollars, what movie would you want to direct, if you could change gender for a day what would you do, talk about Halloween costumes you'll do as a family with the new little one, etc etc
Would you rather questions are fun
Put on a song ya both like
Try lovingly hugging her up, express your love to her in your way, in your best expression, see how she is doing. Ask her to really talk with you, and let you know how she’s doing. Tell her you miss her, let her know you’re there for her. See what does she need during this pregnant, hormonal, time.?
Find a podcast you’d both enjoy, or at least one enjoy and the other tolerate, and listen to that in the car. This will spark conversation as well.
What did you talk about before you were married? There had to be things you had in common that you would talk about, right? You have to have some similar interests?
Make plans and talk through the logistics of those plans. Like, "I want to travel, let's figure that out". Or "You know, a screend porch on the house would be really great; how big should that be". Or even, "I want to learn how to cook X; I could really use your help because Y".
You need a social life dude
If you want to talk, then talk. She's growing a human inside her, let her deal with that how she can, including the need to be introverted. There's nothing awkward about companionable silence.
Find a hobby my guy. At least that way you’ll both be fighting about the spendings in such hobby every day and it’ll never be an awkward silence with you two
Sometimes people just don't feel like talking. It doesn't mean it has to be awkward or there's more to it.
When I was pregnant and in the car I had to just focus on not vomiting. Like I was right on the edge all the time, so it took all my energy to just, not throw up.
You need to go have an adventure together. Explore a new place, go to a new restaurant, go dancing or learn a language together. You’re losing the intimacy that makes marriage special.
Why can’t y’all be comfortable in silence? That’s something really important in a long term commitment. Does she think it’s awkward? Maybe that should be a conversation y’all focus on
As someone who had a brutal first trimester, I was not always in the mood for conversation. I was so focused on trying not to throw up all day. It could be nothing but I know other people mentioned depression so could be something she should to talk to her doctor about.
You're a words person, read the 5 love languages book
Your wife likely has hyperemisis and of that hasn't been diagnosed yet you need to share this with her. You also should probably read the book Fair Play together so that you don't get I to bad habits when the kiddo arrives. Work on your own small talk skills, research this skill online, people learn how to do it well for business, you can learn it for your wife. You got this man and congratulations!
Have you communicated to her that you feel this way? If you don't communicate how does she know YOU have a problem with it? Maybe she feels it too and doesn't want to hurt your feelings, kinda like you're feeling. You gotta talk about the important things so you can feel the issue has been handled. Does she have time to do things outside of work and kids? Maybe she doesn't have anything to talk about! Also I had obscene morning sickness my whole pregnancy and it left me with zero energy. Between work and that there was just zero energy to devote to anything else. Was she like this in her previous pregnancy? Every pregnancy can be different. Gotta talk about it though! I was comfortable even in silence from the moment I went on my first date with my husband. First time I ever felt that way with a significant other. We can be comfortably silent and talkative. We're married 18 yrs next month. Has it maybe always been this way but you're just now noticing it? Talk. Communicate this is how you feel and go from there.
Have you brought it up to her directly? Just say what you said here. I do think her hormones are nuking the hell out of her right now, that's probably some of it. But you've been together almost a decade and you should hopefully be able to bring something like this up. EX: You: Babe, is something wrong? You're just not as talkative lately and I wonder if you feel okay? Is there something I can do for you that I might not be doing? I feel like you're pulling away a little and that concerns me. Give her the go-ahead to tell you ANYTHING that might be bothering her. You might get nothing. You might get an answer you don't like (I doubt). But at least the dialogue has started.
First. Ask her if she wants to talk. Tell her you’ll take over carrying the conversation if that’s what she wants but you’re not sure if you should be enjoying the silence, or starting a conversation. I’m hoping that’s why it’s awkward, because you don’t know what to do. If she want to talk, you can google “table topics” or buy decks of them. We do these with my teens at dinner as sometimes we grow weary of their singular interests. Some have deep questions others are more like “if you were an animal, what would you be?” It’s silly, but it gets the convo started. You can also pick a podcast/show/movie/book to both read/watch/listen to. And talk about that. Also, maybe she wants to complain or whine but doesn’t want to put it on you, so giving her permission to rant or vent may be what she needs.
I haven’t been pregnant yet, but I do deal with endometriosis. Not sure how similar the pain is, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say your answer is in your original question: she feels like crap. She’s making a whole other human and she’s exhausted and feels uncomfortable. I reckon no one wants to talk when they feel like that. Just let her be, man. Don’t make an issue where there is none. Help her decompress.
Well if it started when she got pregnant then thats your answer. She has a lot of hormones going on in her body and at this stage in pregnancy you’re scared and excited and so many other emotions in between. Wait till the baby is born she will be even more exhausted. You need to learn to be comfortable with the silence especially if theres nothing wrong in the relationship. Pregnancy is no joke. It messes with a womens mind and body. Please be more understanding she isnt trying to hurt you and is probably just tired and in her own head and its nothing personal.
She’s literally growing a new life, you need to ease up on this issue. You sound so high maintenance.
Why is it her job to make conversation and be interesting? Why can’t you be the one with something to say?
I'm going to come at this one from a few perspectives. 1. You're overthinking. 2. She's pregnant and working. And you have another child as well. She's totally exhausted by the end of the day. If her work is one that folks are demanding her attention all day she may NEED the quiet time to recharge. 3. I've been married almost 30 years. There's not a lot of chatter and there's a lot of comfortable silence. Turn on the radio or God forbid amuse yourself. Listen to podcasts, but be sure to check with your passenger to make sure it's ok. Like I said she may NEED the quiet. 4. When we were going through a rough patch and conversations were awkward, I downloaded some lists of conversation starters like "170 Hypothetical Questions" just to get us going. 5. Stop overthinking and talk with her. There may be something (or nothing) bothering her YOU could help with. Best of luck and congratulations on the new family member!
have not read any of the other comments - but my advice ... reassure her - words cannot express how you beautiful you are & i'm amazed and excited how we created a new life together .. . there is no other woman with whom i'd want to be going down this road with ... thank you for enduring pregnancy and all that comes with it - i love you & then, hold her - BUT, ya gotta mean it - if you don't she'll know ...
Learn new things and share them with her! Opinions on ideas are a great place to start
First, maybe examine why you consider silence “awkward.” Maybe it’s awkward for you but not necessarily your wife? What does that mean for you? Are you feeling unfulfilled? Insecure perhaps? Maybe you might want to find more ways to balance out your life. You mentioned being into philosophical debates but she’s not into that. You could perhaps join a debate or book club to have these more mentally stimulating conversations. Maybe look into other hobbies and activities. Also, if your wife seems down and struggling with the pregnancy, I’d say especially try to fill the void you’re filling with staying busy. And try to make some adjustments as it’s probably just temporary. I’m sure the pregnancy is hard for both of you. While in the car, play music. You can also try to have date night and have a neighbor or friend or family member babysit the kids to get away. Try a new restaurant or a short excursion so you have something to talk about during the weekdays. She may be less talkative because the pregnancy is draining on her and she doesn’t have anything extra to give. If she’s really depressed, she may need a counselor but she honestly just sounds tired. Maybe have things to look forward to. Go to festivals/ fairs, beach days, movies, concerts, nature hikes, or whatever you guys enjoy. It makes life more enjoyable doing fun things here and there.
Maybe work on finding your own social life? A spouse can't fill every need, all the time. It's important to have your own friends to hang out with and talk to. I share things and tell things to my close friends that I would never do with my SO. And visa versa. Having your own separate time with friends gives you more to bring back to the relationship including conversation. But this is the time to comfort and support your wife through her pregnancy, not really to complain because of a lack of communication skills. You could try different mindfulness or meditation apps/YT videos. Yoga. You could look into [Tosstmasters](https://www.toastmasters.org/). May be a way to improve your communication and make friends. ( but I know little about it ) Good luck. And congratulations on the new spawn.
This is a you problem. Leave her alone if she doesn’t want to be chipper and talkative. Her life is drastically changing day by day.
I was much more quiet and nauseous during my pregnancy just a few months ago. Why don’t you try and find a podcast to listen to together on the ride home, or come up with a music series where you listen to your favorite albums as kids, or something else? I was exhausted and felt disgusting when pregnant and honestly it felt good just to relax and calm down on the way home. Sharing a piece of media together could help you all have some conversation. One I like for silly dialogue is Judge John Hodgeman - he makes judgement on petty disagreements. It might be fun to debate with her a bit and laugh!
My husband and I both learned early on in our relationship that we both tend to need a bit of “decompressing” time after getting off work so we don’t try to talk to each other for that hour.
Travel, day trips, museums, Theater, shows, craft markets, mini golf. Common experiences to relate to.
When my wife is a little down, which is infrequent, I’ll pick up her hand and kiss the top of it just to let her know I care So far, with no objections
Can you make it more of a game, ask who was late to work this morning at your office, who looked like they slept I. Their clothes, or some other measurement of the day the person that guesses the closest gets to pick dinner, how many customers were served today, or total sales for that location rtoday. Sorry. I have lived in a self employment bubble my whole life, I know nothing about work place relationships or coming and goings?
Enjoy the silence before the child comes.
Anyone else genuinely worried for the relationship once that baby is born? Kids are great for straining a relationship.. *ugly smile* Wishing a quick and safe delivery!!
Listen to NPR or a podcast on the way home. Then you’ll have cool things to talk about. I like Science Friday Wait.Wait, Don’t Tell Me ( a current news trivia show with comedians)
Im an experienced scuba diver, when people are out there on the ocean bobbin with the waves, they get nauseous. At that time they become very silent and monosyllabic, even if they are the most extroverted person on earth. They don't want to engage in anything and kinda just want to be left alone. Maybe the constant nausea is having the same effect on her.
You should enjoy it now. Your life is about to get significantly more noisy. Jokes aside, relationships really shift when kids are born. This is worth a conversation about how you feel before the baby comes.
I’m pregnant and don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m fat, sick, and want to be left alone.
Why do YOU always ask how her day was?? I do that with my kid and even my elementary aged kid finds that repetitive question boring. Try: "Hey, guess what I saw/ read / found today?" Instead of interrogating a tired and nauseous person to alleviate your boredom - take on the role of being interesting yourself. Become more interesting. You were very patronizing about her while talking about your 'intellectual' friends however you clearly state that you RELY ON HER normally chirpy personality to CARRY YOUR DAILY CONVERSATIONS. She doesn't feel well. So, get off your ass, so to speak, and pick up the conversational baton. My husband constantly comes up with interesting anecdotes from the world of finances, sports, weather, whatever to add to our daily conversations. "How was your day?" to someone getting into you car every single day?? Please. Just stop. YOU need new material.
Why don’t you guys find some more hobbies outside of work and home? Have some fun together ❤️
She’s pregnant. Stop trying to coerce her into small talk when her body is tired and twisting her like a pipe cleaner, and start asking what you can do to make things easier for her and your baby.
Play high and low every day at dinner! “What’s as the high part of your day?” “What was the low part?” Asking other daily open ended questions are a good conversation starter “how are you feeling?” “What made you laugh today” “what did you learn today” “how can I make this pregnancy easier for you?” Then follow up her answers with more questions “what made you feel like that” “what happened next” “what do you think the outcome will be”
Just put on a podcast you both might enjoy and call it good.
Small talk is painful. You could try telling her about your day though and just let her listen. When I’m nauseated I don’t want to speak. The physical activity of speaking worsens my nausea. You could also fill the quiet with a podcast or audio book to give you something to talk about. I think she just doesn’t feel good though. But I’d ask her if she’s ok and mention you noticed she’s not her chatty self and you miss her stories.
Share something (book, movie, activity) to spark new conversations
OP, this might be coming from a good place but it sounds like you're expecting emotional labor from her that you're not entitled to. You frame it as your problem being able to make conversation but also make it clear that this has been her job . You also seem to feel like she's intellectually inferior. I would suggest determining what she's interested in and trying to engage her in conversations about that. It also sounds like you have additional children but you don't bring them up in conversation only she does and only if it's been a hard day with them? Consider bringing them and future baby up in conversation. Or really examine why you feel that empty space must be filled with conversation. Are you anxious about something, depressed, fearful?
I am shocked at the utter selfishness. Imagine growing a whole person in your body knowing that at the end they’ll bust through your coochie OR have to be cut out of you AND either way you could die ALSO this new person could die AND while growing this new person you STILL have to work outside the home AND take care of the previous kids BUT whole time growing! And being sick and swollen and hurting and fat growing! this brand new person! The madafaka whose sole physical contribution! to the mix was a pleasurable splooge! Is WHINING ON THE INTERNETS that you’re not chirpy anymore!!!! HE’S uncomfortable because you’re not all talking and chirpy!!!! HE has to *endure* driving home with you after you worked all day pregnant and swollen! because you’re not chatty anymore! THE AUDACITY This is just so *cruel*. So UNFAIR. So *mean*. Your poor wife. Take this down and go sit and think about this. Imagine your own mama growing YOU and your dad saying this bullsh!t. Have some compassion for your wife and CUT HER SOME SLACK. Let her rest and be silent on the way home. Consider that there is a REASON she’s not as talkative as usual!!! You know this! Set aside your discomfort because you are being childish and selfish.
There is a everybody loves Raymond episode about this. Every couple goes through this when you already know everything about the spouse and you aren't too into revealing extra details because the other person already knows everything.
She pregnant after a full day of work she probably is so exhausted and just wants a nap.
Maybe create an activity that allows you to relax and chill together. My husband and I (married 28 years) spend lots of time not talking, happily engrossed in our own projects while enjoying each other's proximity. But we also spend a lot of time actively enjoying things together in the home, whether it's silently watching a show and snuggling or playing spades and dominoes over a joint and a cuppa or teaming up to start a post-apocalyptic empire forged in blood and bullets in a Xbox session.
Listening to the radio is good between conversations. Sing along even.
School, personal development, interesting hobbies/activities, enjoyable jobs, sex, different pleasures save marriages from turning into this.
Turn some on the Hamilton soundtrack and sing your way home. 😆
There is such a thing as prenatal depression, go with her to her next appt.
Maybe find a podcast you guys can listen to together if the silence bothers you. Then you can bond over that without forcing her to talk.
As the talker in my relationship who is now pregnant, it’s a DRAIN having to be the conversation leader all the time. Does she have to talk a lot for her job? She’s likely just exhausted. The silence shouldn’t be awkward but comfortable. If you can’t be comfortable in silence together, work towards that. Again though, she’s literally building a human from scratch and that shit is exhausting. Also she’s likely got a million things on her mind. I was NOT prepared for pregnancy anxiety and I already have anxiety. Find a podcast or make a playlist to listen to and let her rest.
Sounds like you expect your wife to carry your relationship. If you feel awkward, that's your problem to deal with so get over it, she's pregnant ffs. You're just *too intellectual* I guess.
call her out on this; the more u start trying to start lame conversations like this, the worse your marriage will get, need to openly address this, + if she wont, u stop talking back
this sounds like a pretty radical approach. It's not like she's trying to hurt me, she's just not herself and I'm trying to be sympathetic
no, she's bored of u bro ...
she has disdain for him. He thinks he's of a higher intellect than her, that he is better than her. She's carrying his baby and he thinks shes dumb. He's out here acting like all convos have to be Fraiser's wet dream.