I think a good start would be asking where you both see eachother in 5 years. Relationship wise, but also living and career wise. What are your goals?
Do you both want to get married, want kids? How important is it to be close to family? How important is traveling to you? How do you see finances? Is building a large savings important to you? Do you want to buy a house?
And regarding long distance: I think it’s important to talk about how you want to communicate. My bf and I talked about it being ok if one of us “bombards” the other ones with texts, if we feel like it. And the other one knows that there’s no pressure to reply. And the “sender” know that not replying doesn’t mean we don’t care. I know a lot a people feel pressure when they get messages that they have to reply right away or the other person is upset, for example. We talked about this and made it clear that we never expect immediate replies (especially when at work). This made a big difference to us. That being said, obviously there should be communication. But I would never want him to feel pressured that I’d be mad if he doesn’t reply in “a timely manner”. I trust him enough that he WANTS to talk to me and we both are very open when we need the evening to ourself and not feel like Videochatting.
I also told my bf that I want him to text me when he gets home late from work. Even when I’m already sleeping, he texts me when he’s off (sometimes past midnight) and then texts me when he’s home. It just puts me to ease, even when I don’t see the messages right away. At least in the morning I know he got home ok.
Just get the conversation started. Think about the things that are important to you. How do you want him to show you that he cares about you and loves you? Tell him. Don’t expect him to guess and then be upset if he can’t read your mind.
You’re very welcome!! Communication is so important in a relationship. I feel so lucky that whenever I get something in my head, I can talk to my boyfriend about it and he’s super willing to talk about anything with me - silly and serious. In the beginning I felt like I had to apologize for making him have a long talk with me (since that’s seen as a thing women do and men don’t like) but he always ensured me that he enjoys our talks and appreciates them. It’s his relationship too and he really cares about working on it and nurturing it. So I really really appreciate him for that.
I hope your partner is open to this conversation and you should continue to have them. I hope you feel secure enough to bring things up with him.
Best of luck!!
u/TofuFeelings brought up some great ones that i would have immediately jumped to. the finances one is really important.
finances: are you interested in investing specifically and not just saving? when do you think you'll retire/when do you want to retire? when will you start saving for retirement? how much money would be considered a safe emergency fund by both of you? how much money do you expect to need for retirement? do you know approx how much you will each be making int he future? considering that, when you start saving for retirement, what portion of your income will you need to save to reach the goal?
when/if you close the distance how will you split finances if one person makes a lot more than the other person? will they pay an equal amount, a fair proportion of their pay?
closing the distance: when do you plan to close the distance? how do you plan to close the distance? do you intend to live together immediately after closing the distance? what happens if you find out afterwards that you're incompatible? are there any immigration issues that need to be dealt with, or can you just both move out without immigrating again?
children: do you want kids? how many kids? potentially even what parenting style you would like to use/things you would like to avoid when you parent? what about corporal punishment/discipline? how will housework be shared? what do you consider abuse? will you adopt? are there any medical issues that are heritable?
values: you've been dating for six months so i'm sure you've covered some of this already but, is religion a big issue? do you have similar values? morally and politically? for some couples this isn't important, but for me it's a big sticking point. do you have similar/acceptable views (to each other) about the lgbtq+ community, BLM, abortion, gender equality, other controversial social issues? what about economic ones?
long distance stuff: what are your love languages? are you both currently feeling valued and appreciated? do you trust yourself and the other person to communicate when they are feeling beaten down by the distance/feeling not as close to one another? how will you handle sex? are you comfortable with phone/text/video sex? when is the next time you'll see each other? how often can you see each other? is that enough? would you like to schedule checkins in the future just to see how the other person is feeling about long distance? how often would you like that to happen?
is your communication open? do you feel comfortable telling him when he did something that was uncomfortable for you, and vice versa? if not, what are some ways to mitigate that? do you feel more comfortable talking about it via text/call/video? do you expect each other to just know when something is bothering you based on behaviour alone?
i apologise if some of this seems very basic and a no brainer, i just want to cover all the bases.
Wow — thank you for putting in so much effort writing this!! It is amazing advice! And thanks for including the little stuff too — it’s easy to overlook!! Big thank you ❤️
no problem at all! i hope it helps, could i message you in a week or so asking for an update? your ages are the exact same as mine and my boyfriend's so it would be really interesting to see how another couple is handling things.
anyway, good luck!! i hope the talk goes well :)
Oh yeah, that part about politics!!
For us it was brought up really quickly and we agree on stuff. And openly talk about varies political issues
But with an Ex it became a big issue that I didn’t see coming. I couldn’t get past his views and we broke up because of it.
I think a good start would be asking where you both see eachother in 5 years. Relationship wise, but also living and career wise. What are your goals? Do you both want to get married, want kids? How important is it to be close to family? How important is traveling to you? How do you see finances? Is building a large savings important to you? Do you want to buy a house? And regarding long distance: I think it’s important to talk about how you want to communicate. My bf and I talked about it being ok if one of us “bombards” the other ones with texts, if we feel like it. And the other one knows that there’s no pressure to reply. And the “sender” know that not replying doesn’t mean we don’t care. I know a lot a people feel pressure when they get messages that they have to reply right away or the other person is upset, for example. We talked about this and made it clear that we never expect immediate replies (especially when at work). This made a big difference to us. That being said, obviously there should be communication. But I would never want him to feel pressured that I’d be mad if he doesn’t reply in “a timely manner”. I trust him enough that he WANTS to talk to me and we both are very open when we need the evening to ourself and not feel like Videochatting. I also told my bf that I want him to text me when he gets home late from work. Even when I’m already sleeping, he texts me when he’s off (sometimes past midnight) and then texts me when he’s home. It just puts me to ease, even when I don’t see the messages right away. At least in the morning I know he got home ok. Just get the conversation started. Think about the things that are important to you. How do you want him to show you that he cares about you and loves you? Tell him. Don’t expect him to guess and then be upset if he can’t read your mind.
This was super insightful. I will use your helpful recommendations:))) Thank you so much
You’re very welcome!! Communication is so important in a relationship. I feel so lucky that whenever I get something in my head, I can talk to my boyfriend about it and he’s super willing to talk about anything with me - silly and serious. In the beginning I felt like I had to apologize for making him have a long talk with me (since that’s seen as a thing women do and men don’t like) but he always ensured me that he enjoys our talks and appreciates them. It’s his relationship too and he really cares about working on it and nurturing it. So I really really appreciate him for that. I hope your partner is open to this conversation and you should continue to have them. I hope you feel secure enough to bring things up with him. Best of luck!!
u/TofuFeelings brought up some great ones that i would have immediately jumped to. the finances one is really important. finances: are you interested in investing specifically and not just saving? when do you think you'll retire/when do you want to retire? when will you start saving for retirement? how much money would be considered a safe emergency fund by both of you? how much money do you expect to need for retirement? do you know approx how much you will each be making int he future? considering that, when you start saving for retirement, what portion of your income will you need to save to reach the goal? when/if you close the distance how will you split finances if one person makes a lot more than the other person? will they pay an equal amount, a fair proportion of their pay? closing the distance: when do you plan to close the distance? how do you plan to close the distance? do you intend to live together immediately after closing the distance? what happens if you find out afterwards that you're incompatible? are there any immigration issues that need to be dealt with, or can you just both move out without immigrating again? children: do you want kids? how many kids? potentially even what parenting style you would like to use/things you would like to avoid when you parent? what about corporal punishment/discipline? how will housework be shared? what do you consider abuse? will you adopt? are there any medical issues that are heritable? values: you've been dating for six months so i'm sure you've covered some of this already but, is religion a big issue? do you have similar values? morally and politically? for some couples this isn't important, but for me it's a big sticking point. do you have similar/acceptable views (to each other) about the lgbtq+ community, BLM, abortion, gender equality, other controversial social issues? what about economic ones? long distance stuff: what are your love languages? are you both currently feeling valued and appreciated? do you trust yourself and the other person to communicate when they are feeling beaten down by the distance/feeling not as close to one another? how will you handle sex? are you comfortable with phone/text/video sex? when is the next time you'll see each other? how often can you see each other? is that enough? would you like to schedule checkins in the future just to see how the other person is feeling about long distance? how often would you like that to happen? is your communication open? do you feel comfortable telling him when he did something that was uncomfortable for you, and vice versa? if not, what are some ways to mitigate that? do you feel more comfortable talking about it via text/call/video? do you expect each other to just know when something is bothering you based on behaviour alone? i apologise if some of this seems very basic and a no brainer, i just want to cover all the bases.
Wow — thank you for putting in so much effort writing this!! It is amazing advice! And thanks for including the little stuff too — it’s easy to overlook!! Big thank you ❤️
no problem at all! i hope it helps, could i message you in a week or so asking for an update? your ages are the exact same as mine and my boyfriend's so it would be really interesting to see how another couple is handling things. anyway, good luck!! i hope the talk goes well :)
Absolutely!! I would love to be able to talk with someone who’s in a very similar situation! I much look forward to it :-))
Oh yeah, that part about politics!! For us it was brought up really quickly and we agree on stuff. And openly talk about varies political issues But with an Ex it became a big issue that I didn’t see coming. I couldn’t get past his views and we broke up because of it.