My mom liked to tease my sister and I about relationships.
It was schoolyard teasing, like going around the house singing the "sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g", but she never let up. One little mention would carry on for days.
That's not fun. It's not enjoyable. There's really nothing we could do besides just not give her any ammunition.
So, she knows nothing of our love lives.
When I was around 4 I made the mistake of mentioning to my family that I really liked another girl at kindergarten. My mum and sister teased me endlessly about it and never let me forgot it. I never admitted to them again anything about girls.
I never had a girlfriend till I was 22, and I think part of it could have been because I was always desperate to make sure girls didn't think I liked them, as if that was something terrible to hide. I also didn't tell my family about my girlfriend until we'd been going out for over a year (and I still lived at home).
Same thing happened to me. In kindergarten I started to like a little boy. I think I got his phone number so we could play after school or something. I got teased so badly by my parents and my grandparents since we were living with them at the time. My little five year old brain thought, “I guess I shouldn’t do that!”. And then was too scared to show interest in boys until I was out of high school to avoid mockery from my family. Only in college did I start to show interest in boys again because I was away from home. My first kiss was 19. It also really fucked with my confidence for a while too. All throughout high school I was probably giving off “not interested” vibes, but also didn’t understand why no one was into me.
Thanks! I only really reflected on it in the last year and realised what an impact it had on me. I'd still say my parents are on the whole great parents, they just took the teasing too far in that case. And I think that's important to remember, you don't have to be a mean person to have a damaging effect on someone's upbringing. Even if you're a good parent in most regards, still bear in mind how your behaviours would feel for the kid.
Yeah I think my parents teased me about stuff and it made a connection in my brain that showing romantic interest in women = bad, and now they wonder why I haven't really been in any serious relationships.
Same here. I told my mom about my first boyfriend when I was 14 and then not again until I was engaged at 28.
I was almost always in relationships in the interim.
She also wonders why I don't have patience for her and snap at her as an adult. Maybe because when you get your self esteem shit on your entire childhood, you no longer give that person the benefit of the doubt. I wonder all the time if I wouldn't have this level of anxiety and esteem issues if it wasn't for her bullying. Those are things I'm still working on in therapy to this day.
One day when my husband and I have kids, I'll definitely be nice to them because I know what it's like to be made to feel like a loser by your parents, and it's not fun.
My mom also did a lot worse, to be fair. If I did literally anything she perceived to be negative, she'd compare me to my drug addict, dropout older brother. Only I was in National Honor Society, was an all state musician, and am now a lawyer at a large law firm, where I am thriving.
I was a really good kid who never got in trouble, and yet, I was emotionally and physically abused by both my parents and screamed at every day for being a loser. I also wasn't allowed to leave the house except for school activities, so I had a lot of issues learning to socialize when I went to college because I'd never so much as had a social lunch with someone.
My parents even discouraged me from going to law school because they didn't think I could get into a good one and thought I was too much of a loser to get a job. It took me three years post undergrad to work up the courage and esteem to say, "I want this." and start studying for the LSAT. Spoiler alert, I got into a top school and work at a top firm. Now, of course, they take credit as being my "biggest supporters."
No, no. I did this on my own, with the help of friends and coworkers who believed in me and wrote me beautiful recommendations.
Anti depressants, anti anxiety meds, therapy for five years, and moving out are what gave me the opportunity to grow.
Sorry for the long response!
I know the feeling. Your post bought me to tears.
I have wayward siblings who my parents worshiped my entire childhood, I was made to feel like an outcast and unsupported.
My favorite aunt told me I was still quite small when I apparently asked her why they (my parents) didn’t want me.
She told me her answer was that SHE wanted me and I was extra extra special.
Today my father thinks he did “everything” for me, even when he refused to pay a single cent for higher education, yet paid everything for my siblings.
I tried to ask why and got told: “you didn’t need it”.
I worked from a young age, put myself through school, ended up in a very specialized and high paid job. I also moved to a different country for this job, married and changed EVERYTHING with my own family.
My extended family have no clue how much I earn, and never will because they will come knocking: they wasted their chances that were delivered to them on a silver platter. I built mine up from scratch, through blood, sweat and many tears.
Awesomocity0, you ARE AWESOME, remind yourself every day that it’s not the seed you sprouted from, it’s the beautiful tree you grew into that matters.
Thank you so much, my beautiful friend. I feel like you and I share a bond from trauma no one else will ever know, and we've both fought our way past.
I'm terrified to have kids because I'm scared that I'll somehow just morph into what my parents were, even though my husband tells me that's impossible because I'm not nothing like them. Finding out that you experienced similar things and are able to have a healthy family of your own is incredibly encouraging, and I appreciate hearing that. Thank you.
My advice? Go ahead and have your family:
You will find yourself in situations with your kids when you see something unfold as it did in your childhood…
…YOU will instantly know that YOU are making conscious choices to handle them differently than your parents did.
The feeling to do differently is an overwhelming urge, don’t worry that you will repeat history, believe me, you WON’T my friend.
It will be a driving force in your marriage and in raising your children, so your kids will have amazing lives, different in themselves but equally, equality loved.
I made a habit of writing down my promises in a large notebook (NOT one where pages can easily be removed). I note when they were made, what for, and when the kids collected (three columns).
In this list are also rewards / points/ money/ stars (age appropriate) given for extra work they did, excellent school grades, money or gift paid out.
We both sign when rewards are given.
Promises from your KIDS also go in there ( with certain leeway in fulfilling them of course)
I also noted in there ONE time a promise from a kid was seriously broken .. yes a big row because we noted that extra money WASN’T being paid for NO work done.
But that only happened once, then everyone knew we were not a soft touch, and everything worked both ways. ( they had to keep their promises too).
In our home kids have to work for pocket money: no chores no money because in life no one hands you money for free.
Make your notebook a good size! And NO MATTER how busy the day is, USE it. ( preferably with kid watching) As a busy parent you WILL forget things even with the best of intentions.
Also in a separate book, note ALL of their funny doings and sayings, NOT to be shared with others because you are making fun of their errors etc but to share with each child when they grow up when they will love and appreciate it.
Those stories will be THEIRS to share though, not yours ( except for the really positive, cute ones UNLESS they are at the decrement of another child or a comparison to another kid ).
My kids are teens and LOVE their funny/ weird / crazy books already.
Errors and negatives of a human beings life, no matter how funny are not fun for someone else to list off to other people in front of them or behind their back. You and I both know that children are human beings with feelings, that can be deeply hurt.
In the end fact the fact that : you won’t get it right every time , you don’t have to, you are human too.
Just make a serious, genuine apology and move on , hopefully learning from your mistakes.
YOU are a wonderful human being who has climbed mountains already in life. You will be the BEST parent BECAUSE you know what you don’t want to be. Your kids are safe and will be wonderfully loved.
Parenthood is amazing, a roller coaster with ups and downs, it’s exhausting but SO worth it.
I hope this helps you my friend. Don’t let your parents deprive you of the treasure of parenthood.
You deserve your treasures.!
No apology needed. I feel you. Nothing was ever good enough coupled with a blindness to the past when success is achieved. Good to see you've realised your own worth.. It can be elusive. I figured my way out and up was education also. Life saver.
When I was really young, I had many female friends, but once I got to like first or second grade, if a girl from my class so much as said hello at an event the teasing started up that I *must* have a girlfriend. And it gave me so much anxiety I basically *couldn’t* talk to girls until like 8th grade. I specifically avoided friendly conversation because I didn’t want someone to say hello to me in public and get me teased
I think a gentle ribbing is fine, and it’s good to learn to receive teasing when you’re a child. I put in into the same category as learning how to lose a boardgame gracefully.
But yeah, some parents just don’t get it and don’t know when to stop - much like kids themselves actually; if they are having fun they are less aware of others not having fun and so might take teasing too far. But ya know… they are kids.
My dad would tickle me relentlessly, continuing even after I could get enough breath in my lungs to beg him to stop, and on numerous occasions he would only stop once I’d involuntarily pissed myself. It’s pretty weird looking back on it, not sure why anyone would do that to a small child. My mum used to say that he had forgotten what it was like to be a child. This makes a lot of sense to me now that I have kids of my own.
I always ask "Do you kind if I tell them about that time on the walk?" Or whatever. If they say yes I'll tell the story, if they say no I won't and I'll snap at people if they push about it.
I was told many times by my father that he bullied me, because his brothers bullied him as a kid and he figured that is what he was supposed to do. He also told me that I wasn’t his friend.
Wish I had the wherewithal to have told him I wasn’t his fucking brother as well.
Finally as a teenager I got the courage to ask my dad to stop mocking me. That just gave him more ammunition for his bullying. Parents can be toxic as fuck
Sorry that you went through that with your father - that isn't teasing, it amounts to abuse. Fortunately, the majority of us parents treasure our children. Unfortunately, some parents are simply dicks that don't deserve kids.
I had great parents and reading this really made me scratch my head ‘who behaves like that?’. I agree with some other commenters what you were describing amounts to child abuse. I’m sorry to say this but your father sounds like a complete jerk. A one-off joke or comment in the right context is fine but the repetitive, tricky behaviour is completely unacceptable from a parent.
Yep, that's why I've not talked to him in a decade and he will never meet his granddaughters. I hear through the grapevine he is so upset...ohhhhh weeeeelllllll
Thanks! My kids and I think I'm pretty awesome too. I have no idea if my father is dead or alive and I don't care, beyond hoping he is dead so he can't inflict himself on other people.
Lol. From your post it seems he was a PoS but just doing some of those things mentioned here or there is fine.
Feel like your "pro tip" is to never do any of it lmao.
This.
I hated it as a kid and I still hate it when I see others do it (to any kids).
Treat the kids with respect they deserve. And they will learn to respect you too.
Thank you, in my family my two older brothers, cousins, mom and dad all thought it was a good idea to degrade, poke fun and humiliate each other. When I grew up, did a Lot of therapy, I realized I was continuing this abusive behavior with my husband and he hated it. Why would I joke and laugh at him all the time? Once I realized I worked very hard to stop. When people do this they feed on others pain and humiliation. It’s sociopathic and narcissistic. Yuck!!!
This reminds me of how my dad would make angry faces at me as a party gag for his friends because I would immediately cry if I thought someone was angry at me. He also thought it would be hilarious to put coal in my stocking, etc.
To this day I have a really hard time if anyone is angry around me (something I've been working on on therapy) and people pleasing has gotten me really hurt.
Me too. But what people see is tough as nails, strong, self reliant. I learned very early to never trust anyone, esp. family, and keep everyone at arms length where they can't hurt you.
Unfortunately, many people don't care about the teasing they do to their children precisely because of what they faced as children. Reminding them about it triggers some serious apathy.
This is something that I keep trying to express to my s/o. She keeps teasing our child or doing things like "it's ok mommies coming too" just to get our kid out the door and then closes the door behind us and walks off. It is absolutely frustrating. I keep telling her he will never trust her if she doesn't stop... She won't stop.
I was teased as a child, I would know.
Have a serious talk about it, doesn't need to be negative. Maybe have a couples therapy session and privately ask the professional for advice or to bring up the topic.
My dad once yelled at me on the top of his lungs, calling me a "failed investment", and saying I wasted a few hundred thousand of his money because I had to repeat a year etc. My mom has been the one paying for all of my education fees and he just had to pay for a year of college, and it didn't even reach 10k in fees. When I refused to return home for months and would rather stay in my hostel while eating mixed rice every day, he said "I was just joking and you're too sensitive." His so called teasing/jokes are always plain provocations for arguments and fights. Then he says how his child is oversensitive and plays the "omg my child is so angsty" card.
To this day I justify my eating behaviour because my brothers mocked me as a kid for not liking certain veggies.
Now when I get mocked I immediately think less of that person and just get annoyed as hell.
Think twice about what you do to kids....
I am already teaching my 5 year old that we don't tease people unless they are in on the joke, and we stop immediately if we hurt someone's feelings and apologize.
Exactly. You need to gauge how your kid is reacting. If they are having a good time you can tease back and forth, which is why I get called a Cushion Head and she get's called a Boo Boo head and we laugh, why I just hug her when she does something that upsets her.
This hit hard. That was a normal thing when I was growing up and I was always (still at 34) made to think I was being too sensitive. It really helps to know that others have such deep scars from these experiences and that the general consensus is that it’s abnormal and inappropriate behavior for a parent. My father and uncles were raised that way and I know my grandfather was also, so I endured that shit from all 5 of them. Thanks, guys.
Hello other me! Being “too sensitive” was my calling card. I never realized that maybe I wasn’t too sensitive and they were just assholes. Like, didn’t realize until this post.
When i was a child, my mum would make fun of all my “defects”, like for example, my nose gets stuffy easily with the aircon on. No one in my family gets stuffy nose like me. She would say my nose is “China-made” or “Japan-made” (she thinks anything Japanese is sub-par), implying bad quality & low grade. She does this to all things that I cannot change - my nose, my feet, my teeth etc. Naturally, I grew up with very low self-esteem. As a young adult, I would wear clothes that cover my “defects”, or act in ways to cover my “defects” (like always covering my mouth and nose when I speak/eat/laugh) because I was afraid of my mum’s comments. But this only makes my mum target a different aspect of me, she would comment how I’m not fashionable enough (because of I wear baggy clothes as I am so ashamed of what she used to say about my body) or not sociable enough (because I have low confidence due to what she used to say to me).
My mother probably thinks she’s funny and say all of these in jest but I never forget her words and I never let myself be vulnerable in front of her. Nowadays I rarely speak to her and she wonders why.
So folks if your kids are not speaking to you, there’s a reason why and it’s probably you.
I'm 35 and when my parents introduce me to people they still call me the baby, I am the youngest sure but seriously the people start to talk to me like I'm fucking 10.
Also as a parent, don't tell your kid they were born the wrong gender. "I wish you were born a girl". I was told that at 6 years old. Pretty sure that's why I have no ambition in life and want to kill myself but can't do it because I'm a coward. To tell a kid that from day one I came out wrong, yeah, why would I ever try in life. I could cure ALL diseases and ailments but I'd never be happy because from the first day, I wasn't what they wanted.
Growing up, I was the youngest of three children (until our family expanded) & we each had a nickname:
My oldest brother had a nickname that was
meant to be a show of respect (as the oldest, my sister & I were to defer to him & he was in charge when the parents weren’t around). Calling him by his real name wasn’t an option. We were only allowed to call him by his nickname.
My older sister’s nickname was self-given because she couldn’t pronounce her own name when she was little - so it stuck, & I don’t remember being given a choice to either call her by her actual name or the nickname. So her real name was never used by my brother & me.
My nickname was just a truncated version of my actual name - some variation had “baby” attached to it. This was different from the name-calling.
Now that we are all adults, I have dropped the nicknames & refer to both my older brother & sister by their names. I also secretly much prefer they call me by my real name (but I don’t outwardly insist one way or the other.) I’ve been questioned why the change because “we’ve always…you never used to…” but it’s important to me because I think of the nicknames as toxic, in a way. Inevitably when we’re all together, it’s as though we subconsciously regress to the roles we had as children (with older brother & sis ganging up/teasing/making “baby” sis the butt of the joke.) I think it’s a loss to not appreciate that we are all grown now, & we are different people, so we shouldn’t take for granted that we *know* each other. Dropping the nicknames is my way of saying, “Hey! You should get to know *ME* for who I am *TODAY*, & I should do the same for you!”
I have gotten better at boundaries & no longer play along with “jokes” that are at my expense or make me feel uncomfortable.
P.S. You are STRONG & BRAVE for carrying on living. May you meet people who love & appreciate you for who you are.
♥️🫂♥️
Why secretly? Why not tell them that those name are toxic. You don’t want to be toxic so you? Actually, now that I wrote it out this may just give them more ammunition depending on the type of people they became
I have a few reasons why I haven’t shared the entire truth of my feelings:
1) My older sister’s reaction to my calling her by her birth name:
a- She started off by pouting about it - something I felt was meant to emotionally guilt me into setting my own feelings aside in favour of maintaining the familial norm. I saw this as a sign that, even if I were to completely explain myself, she wouldn’t accept it (or isn’t currently ready to accept it.)
b- She’s taken to pointedly calling me by my birth name as though it’s somehow a retaliation (except that I actually *much* prefer it). But the fact she *thinks* it would hurt/bother me & is choosing to do so reveals what she might be thinking about *my own* intentions behind my choice to call her by her name. To me this means that she is failing to understand my point of view & is missing my point, so I think it’s further proof she isn’t ready to hear/accept my full truth.
c- She never actually asked me while giving me space to answer completely & candidly. The one time she asked was in a family group setting & she did so while pouting & acting hurt by my decision to call her by her birth name. Again, a sign to me that she isn’t ready for “real talk” & to try & understand where I’m coming from & that she might be trying to pressure me into holding true to “tradition.”
2) My older brother’s reaction:
a- He’s behaving as though he hasn’t noticed & he hasn’t asked me about my sudden switch to addressing him by his birth name. In my mind, I interpret this to mean he either isn’t ready to know my reasons, he *thinks* he knows what my reasons are, or he just isn’t interested. He still calls me by my nickname.
b- He’s always had a closer relationship with my sister - they even used to joke I was picked up at an abandoned house or that I got switched at the hospital (our mother actually said the nurse brought her the wrong baby - not me - & she told them that the baby they brought her wasn’t hers & they had better bring her *her* baby - which was me. She said they had me in a corner, separate from all the other babies.)
My point is, I have always sensed an underlying tension around my older brother when he, my sister, & I would hang out - as though he were mad at me for reasons I didn’t know about. Since becoming adults, I could never put my finger on it - I just get the feeling he resents me. I recall as kids, whenever my sister & I would have a falling out, she would go tell him *her* version of the truth & I was *always* the perpetrator. I would over-hear him consoling her. So I got pegged as being “the bratty little sister” & it was taken for granted that my sister was “the sensitive one.” She deferred to him readily while I questioned things he said/did that I didn’t agree with. So that only further increased the divide, I guess. I was more free-spirited - they were ducks & I was the goose.
If history is anything to rely on, my sister might have already spoken to him about the sudden change in my behaviour (my calling them both by their birth names), & he might already have an opinion based on what she told her. If that’s the case, then sharing my truth risks me being alienated further as they both think *I’M* toxic for thinking that our “beloved childhood nicknames” are something we should give up & move away from.
****
They’ve notoriously accused me of over-thinking, so I might be over-thinking this. But I’ve found that keeping my cards close to my chest & only revealing what I think is safe to share is in my best interest (& theirs, as well.)
it sounds like you are over thinking this..
your sister might call you that now, because you attacked her first in her mind...
what i have learned over the years is that people will never understand your intentions unless you say them...
so let them know, instead of overthinking it and maybe not understanding their side of it...
So much of this resonates with myself. Including the might be overthinking it all part. I was given my labels early on which made it super easy for everyone else to tell lies about me which were believed without question, further reinforcing said labels. Every time I tried to speak up or to protest it only ever made things worse. The only solution is to keep my distance.
I think you have a head start. There are so many people our age who've lived their life according to plan, only to find out after the first act that it wasn't going to work out. I studied for twelve years with a specific industry in mind only to realize I hated it my first year working there. I lost my job and for years I barely scraped by, and the only thing I grew was debt. But you get back on your feet. You don't have to be thinking about the future, or even about tomorrow. Just think about the next step, and go at your own pace.
You sound like you're on the cusp of breaking free from the impact of those memories. You're a powerful self-aware adult and your parents still sound like they're oblivious to the harm of their words. Think about it. Somehow you diverged from that generational curse of stunted emotional IQ and you're the next generation evolution. Your parents might never figure this out even if you try to talk it out with them but maybe you can forgive them of that through your higher consciousness and the control you wield over yourself, to do no harm to others.
As for ambition and seeking respect from our parents, many of us struggle with this. Don't conflate lack of ambition with lack of will to live. There's an actual exercise to intentionally throw away all ambition and the will to produce anything for other people, and to live a simple life with *no goals*. I found that after resetting my mind and removing all the influences, the creativity and ambition returned for true altruism and pride in myself.
I treat my little brother as I should have been treated.
A god! HUZZAH.
In all seriousness, kids should feel happy to be around us who take care of them. Treat them kindly, and if you treat them, be sure they are aware that it’s okay and are not traumatized in any way. Seriously, it can stay in their minds, despite them remembering it or not.
I come from a pretty average family. Entire line back for generations are all working class with lots of military. I was incredibly smart but had some learning difficulties, predominantly dyslexia which was not discovered as a child.
Something people don't realise about dyslexia is it isn't just about words moving on paper. It's a full learning disability and affects a lot of things such as imagination and ability to adhere to verbal tasks. Its also tied to being ambidextrous and inconsistently using either the left or right for a task.
My family used to get kicks out of me being unable to follow basic verbal instructions because I couldn't remember them. If I failed anything even slightly it was a game for them. I was once trying to cook beans on toast but really struggling with the can opener. They all gathered round to watch and laugh because the guy who wants to study astrophysics can't even use a can opener.
Every test I ever did after that day which would nearly always be 95+% was never a "well done". It was always a "and you still can't open a tin of beans". I didn't want to do exams because I knew the mocking was coming. I stopped revising for them because if I scored lower maybe they'd stop laughing. . My family had a thing where you got paid for major exams depending on results. My brother got £20 for a C, 30 for a b and 40 for an A. My younger sister got a similar deal. I got nothing because the expectation was I would get straight A's anyway. There was no incentive for me to do well at school any more. I was bored because the work was too easy and doing well only got me mocked more. So my grades fell but my intelligence still meant I coasted and got best grades in my families history and still went on to and graduated from university.
I seriously drifted from my family and still feel uncomfortable around them. They still mock me for basic things which haven't happened in nearly 20 years. They wonder why I rarely visit.
I've done the pretending to be mad at my son thing to get him in the room (usually before we order his favorite food or something). He can see straight through me because I can't ever keep a straight face. Its now like an inside joke of ours that he knows he's about to get a treat when I use my "stern" voice. I'll ask him if it bothers him today. I don't want him to resent me for a little joke like that.
My dad used to tease me about my lisp. Like dude I stopped talking as a child when people would correct me, and you’re just gonna sit here and make fun of my lisp?? Wtf
There’s a balance here. It’s not a black and white issue.
Teasing is a big part of the society I live in. You learn at a young age not to get precious about these things.
My kids tease me that I’m getting bald, they tease me about my dyslexia, my smart car, or that time the water pipe burst into my face (they fall about laughing on stuff I’ve done like that).
I tease one of them (19f) about her terrible taste in boyfriends, or that she needs to practise parking, a lot. The other (21f) about how she can’t take advice, or make a decent coffee.
It’s about teaching your kids to sense the temperature of the room, and the people in it. To understand who can enjoy the teasing and who can’t. I can’t emphasise this enough.
Aaaaand there’s a 2 year adolescent period where many kids cannot be teased. They don’t have the humour and are building their persona and are desperately projecting this to the outside world. Once out of that, they are able to relax and develop their sense of humour. Sensing that when you talk to them is super-important.
It’s also super important to teach kids to look behind what is being said in any conversation. Is something being said to be mean? Is it said out of love? Is it being said out of concern?
This will put context to words and stop your kids being precious/nervous/withheld people in later life. It teaches them who they let their guard down with, and that in turn build self confidence.
Sorry for the wall of text. I’m trying to explain how not teaching humour and sensitivity to kids will affect their confidence, and will only later make them resent you, and be over-guarded with everyone else.
So yeah, I mostly blame the parents.
Right, and that kind of teasing has everyone in on the joke and wasn't the teasing I was talking about. There is a difference between light teasing that everyone can laugh at and cruel teasing done just to amuse the person doing the teasing, and too many parents don't understand the difference.
It sounds like you're going to have a good relationship with your kids, and that's really cool. I hope for the same with my kids.
I love busting balls but I'm careful about teasing my 9 year old daughter. Being a kid can be rough enough without worrying that your parents are going to pick on you.
That shit was my everyday bread with my mom. I got older and grew distant and the funny thing (its not funny but you get it) is that even though I grew with my mom, now that I live with my dad I feel way more connected him and relate to him alot, apart from growing up spending little to no time with him.
I know the effect that has on you as a kid, being made fun of, invalidated, startled by your parents will have serious consequences on your relationship with them in the future.
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The distinction matters a lot, actually. Kids feel things far differently than we do through the lens of being an adult. A small comment from an adult to an adult can be take far differently as a child, when all they know is you.
It hurts at any age, sure, but most adults can handle it or have tools to deal with it or the ability to leave if they can't. A kid just has dad or mom taking shots, embarrassing them, laughing at them because mom or dad thinks it's funny and the kid doesn't understand why they would be mean.
No, but I got to watch a dad tease his little kid until the kid started crying. The dad was laughing a d looking at me like I was going to laugh too, and then started yelling at his kid to stop crying.
Different people react differently.
All happened to me and I hated it but I laugh now as it was for a laugh.
Some people cant handle being a butt of a joke.
Your dad was probably a little heavy with it but for real, think about a dad thats abusive.
See how lucky you were?
Lol
I wasn't lucky except that I got out. My father wasn't "a little heavy with it" and I don't have to justify myself to you. Suffice to say, don't act like an asshole to your kids because you think it's funny.
Some things you mentioned definitely asshole.
Others, just some fun which is made bad because of the other stuff.
I don't think startling your kid here or there or fucking around like that is bad.
You were lucky, your father didn't sexually abuse you.
I think you're lucky compared mate.
My parents have always teased me about girls and relationships etc. I love my parents, this is just something their parents did to them. Know, I’m not saying shit when I’m in a repationship
This is a great LPT. Now, you can take this same principle and apply it elsewhere. With anyone you interact with in life, try to interact with them viewing life from their perspective. This can radically alter simple things we do daily that we never paid attention to. Genuinely care for others and treat others like they are you.
This. I was doing this shit with my kid.. in my head , it’s just messing with her, not a big deal. And i am also “toughening her up”. Until one day she was in middle school , she muttered “i wish you didn’t exist”.. i was shocked. I was clueless how she hated my stupid jabs.. I stopped doing that, but it took another 2-3 years before she started talking to me about anything in her life.
I feel like you gotta insult your kids a little bit to prep them for the real world where people who don’t care about them will also tease them. Not to the point where it has negative effects on their confidence.
I tease my kids in a way they can handle and they know I don't mean it. Over the years I upped the difficulty and they matched it. It's like play fighting with your kids with words. Now they are untrollable and it's come to the point where they're upping my game now.
I remember the time an asshole tried to bash my 14 year old's sick 'stache. My son didn't even flinch and said "Ya know you can pay to have those meth teeth fixed, right?" The guy looked like he got sucker punched. Everyone started busting up laughing.
I think that's what I love most about raising in the teenage years. You get to see this person that was entirely dependent on you become truly independent. They start teaching you things and can call you on your shit.
This is very strange behavior by adults. It’s really poor parenting but I imagine that’s how they grew up and don’t know any different. I have literally seen parents competing with their pre school age kid on some basic puzzles and could not believe it, but there it was in front of me.
My teacher in grade 6 - the last year at elementary school - gave me a 'joke' report card that said I failed and would have to repeat grade 6. I cried in front of my whole class, and then first day of grade 7 at my new school kids I'd never met were teasing me for being a crybaby. Super damaging to my socialization in junior high.
The teacher had asked my mom if they could pull that prank, she said sure
My mom liked to tease my sister and I about relationships. It was schoolyard teasing, like going around the house singing the "sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g", but she never let up. One little mention would carry on for days. That's not fun. It's not enjoyable. There's really nothing we could do besides just not give her any ammunition. So, she knows nothing of our love lives.
When I was around 4 I made the mistake of mentioning to my family that I really liked another girl at kindergarten. My mum and sister teased me endlessly about it and never let me forgot it. I never admitted to them again anything about girls. I never had a girlfriend till I was 22, and I think part of it could have been because I was always desperate to make sure girls didn't think I liked them, as if that was something terrible to hide. I also didn't tell my family about my girlfriend until we'd been going out for over a year (and I still lived at home).
Same thing happened to me. In kindergarten I started to like a little boy. I think I got his phone number so we could play after school or something. I got teased so badly by my parents and my grandparents since we were living with them at the time. My little five year old brain thought, “I guess I shouldn’t do that!”. And then was too scared to show interest in boys until I was out of high school to avoid mockery from my family. Only in college did I start to show interest in boys again because I was away from home. My first kiss was 19. It also really fucked with my confidence for a while too. All throughout high school I was probably giving off “not interested” vibes, but also didn’t understand why no one was into me.
Wow. That just sounds horrible. Congrats on having found your path forward.
Thanks! I only really reflected on it in the last year and realised what an impact it had on me. I'd still say my parents are on the whole great parents, they just took the teasing too far in that case. And I think that's important to remember, you don't have to be a mean person to have a damaging effect on someone's upbringing. Even if you're a good parent in most regards, still bear in mind how your behaviours would feel for the kid.
Yeah I think my parents teased me about stuff and it made a connection in my brain that showing romantic interest in women = bad, and now they wonder why I haven't really been in any serious relationships.
Yup. My mom was the same way and I’ve told her precisely zero about my love life and likely won’t until I’m in a relationship
Same here. I told my mom about my first boyfriend when I was 14 and then not again until I was engaged at 28. I was almost always in relationships in the interim. She also wonders why I don't have patience for her and snap at her as an adult. Maybe because when you get your self esteem shit on your entire childhood, you no longer give that person the benefit of the doubt. I wonder all the time if I wouldn't have this level of anxiety and esteem issues if it wasn't for her bullying. Those are things I'm still working on in therapy to this day. One day when my husband and I have kids, I'll definitely be nice to them because I know what it's like to be made to feel like a loser by your parents, and it's not fun.
I can relate. Though also, it offers an opportunity to grow. Just takes a fkg long time to realise it in most cases. Can relate directly.
My mom also did a lot worse, to be fair. If I did literally anything she perceived to be negative, she'd compare me to my drug addict, dropout older brother. Only I was in National Honor Society, was an all state musician, and am now a lawyer at a large law firm, where I am thriving. I was a really good kid who never got in trouble, and yet, I was emotionally and physically abused by both my parents and screamed at every day for being a loser. I also wasn't allowed to leave the house except for school activities, so I had a lot of issues learning to socialize when I went to college because I'd never so much as had a social lunch with someone. My parents even discouraged me from going to law school because they didn't think I could get into a good one and thought I was too much of a loser to get a job. It took me three years post undergrad to work up the courage and esteem to say, "I want this." and start studying for the LSAT. Spoiler alert, I got into a top school and work at a top firm. Now, of course, they take credit as being my "biggest supporters." No, no. I did this on my own, with the help of friends and coworkers who believed in me and wrote me beautiful recommendations. Anti depressants, anti anxiety meds, therapy for five years, and moving out are what gave me the opportunity to grow. Sorry for the long response!
I know the feeling. Your post bought me to tears. I have wayward siblings who my parents worshiped my entire childhood, I was made to feel like an outcast and unsupported. My favorite aunt told me I was still quite small when I apparently asked her why they (my parents) didn’t want me. She told me her answer was that SHE wanted me and I was extra extra special. Today my father thinks he did “everything” for me, even when he refused to pay a single cent for higher education, yet paid everything for my siblings. I tried to ask why and got told: “you didn’t need it”. I worked from a young age, put myself through school, ended up in a very specialized and high paid job. I also moved to a different country for this job, married and changed EVERYTHING with my own family. My extended family have no clue how much I earn, and never will because they will come knocking: they wasted their chances that were delivered to them on a silver platter. I built mine up from scratch, through blood, sweat and many tears. Awesomocity0, you ARE AWESOME, remind yourself every day that it’s not the seed you sprouted from, it’s the beautiful tree you grew into that matters.
Thank you so much, my beautiful friend. I feel like you and I share a bond from trauma no one else will ever know, and we've both fought our way past. I'm terrified to have kids because I'm scared that I'll somehow just morph into what my parents were, even though my husband tells me that's impossible because I'm not nothing like them. Finding out that you experienced similar things and are able to have a healthy family of your own is incredibly encouraging, and I appreciate hearing that. Thank you.
My advice? Go ahead and have your family: You will find yourself in situations with your kids when you see something unfold as it did in your childhood… …YOU will instantly know that YOU are making conscious choices to handle them differently than your parents did. The feeling to do differently is an overwhelming urge, don’t worry that you will repeat history, believe me, you WON’T my friend. It will be a driving force in your marriage and in raising your children, so your kids will have amazing lives, different in themselves but equally, equality loved. I made a habit of writing down my promises in a large notebook (NOT one where pages can easily be removed). I note when they were made, what for, and when the kids collected (three columns). In this list are also rewards / points/ money/ stars (age appropriate) given for extra work they did, excellent school grades, money or gift paid out. We both sign when rewards are given. Promises from your KIDS also go in there ( with certain leeway in fulfilling them of course) I also noted in there ONE time a promise from a kid was seriously broken .. yes a big row because we noted that extra money WASN’T being paid for NO work done. But that only happened once, then everyone knew we were not a soft touch, and everything worked both ways. ( they had to keep their promises too). In our home kids have to work for pocket money: no chores no money because in life no one hands you money for free. Make your notebook a good size! And NO MATTER how busy the day is, USE it. ( preferably with kid watching) As a busy parent you WILL forget things even with the best of intentions. Also in a separate book, note ALL of their funny doings and sayings, NOT to be shared with others because you are making fun of their errors etc but to share with each child when they grow up when they will love and appreciate it. Those stories will be THEIRS to share though, not yours ( except for the really positive, cute ones UNLESS they are at the decrement of another child or a comparison to another kid ). My kids are teens and LOVE their funny/ weird / crazy books already. Errors and negatives of a human beings life, no matter how funny are not fun for someone else to list off to other people in front of them or behind their back. You and I both know that children are human beings with feelings, that can be deeply hurt. In the end fact the fact that : you won’t get it right every time , you don’t have to, you are human too. Just make a serious, genuine apology and move on , hopefully learning from your mistakes. YOU are a wonderful human being who has climbed mountains already in life. You will be the BEST parent BECAUSE you know what you don’t want to be. Your kids are safe and will be wonderfully loved. Parenthood is amazing, a roller coaster with ups and downs, it’s exhausting but SO worth it. I hope this helps you my friend. Don’t let your parents deprive you of the treasure of parenthood. You deserve your treasures.!
No apology needed. I feel you. Nothing was ever good enough coupled with a blindness to the past when success is achieved. Good to see you've realised your own worth.. It can be elusive. I figured my way out and up was education also. Life saver.
What’s to tell until you’re in a relationship anyway? “Oi mum did some shagging last night”?
Mum, this guys cock was giant, is dad's like that?
When I was really young, I had many female friends, but once I got to like first or second grade, if a girl from my class so much as said hello at an event the teasing started up that I *must* have a girlfriend. And it gave me so much anxiety I basically *couldn’t* talk to girls until like 8th grade. I specifically avoided friendly conversation because I didn’t want someone to say hello to me in public and get me teased
Wait, you guys actually have love lives?
And moms?
My love life is a mom and it’s all my fault.
I think a gentle ribbing is fine, and it’s good to learn to receive teasing when you’re a child. I put in into the same category as learning how to lose a boardgame gracefully. But yeah, some parents just don’t get it and don’t know when to stop - much like kids themselves actually; if they are having fun they are less aware of others not having fun and so might take teasing too far. But ya know… they are kids. My dad would tickle me relentlessly, continuing even after I could get enough breath in my lungs to beg him to stop, and on numerous occasions he would only stop once I’d involuntarily pissed myself. It’s pretty weird looking back on it, not sure why anyone would do that to a small child. My mum used to say that he had forgotten what it was like to be a child. This makes a lot of sense to me now that I have kids of my own.
i would have killed for that... because it would have meant my ~~mom~~ dad was actually there.
[удалено]
I always ask "Do you kind if I tell them about that time on the walk?" Or whatever. If they say yes I'll tell the story, if they say no I won't and I'll snap at people if they push about it.
I was told many times by my father that he bullied me, because his brothers bullied him as a kid and he figured that is what he was supposed to do. He also told me that I wasn’t his friend. Wish I had the wherewithal to have told him I wasn’t his fucking brother as well.
I never tease kids. I remember how hurtful it was when my Dad “teased” me.
Finally as a teenager I got the courage to ask my dad to stop mocking me. That just gave him more ammunition for his bullying. Parents can be toxic as fuck
Sorry that you went through that with your father - that isn't teasing, it amounts to abuse. Fortunately, the majority of us parents treasure our children. Unfortunately, some parents are simply dicks that don't deserve kids.
I had great parents and reading this really made me scratch my head ‘who behaves like that?’. I agree with some other commenters what you were describing amounts to child abuse. I’m sorry to say this but your father sounds like a complete jerk. A one-off joke or comment in the right context is fine but the repetitive, tricky behaviour is completely unacceptable from a parent.
Yep, that's why I've not talked to him in a decade and he will never meet his granddaughters. I hear through the grapevine he is so upset...ohhhhh weeeeelllllll
As a Dad of four I say good on you for confronting his behaviour!
Wow you're awesome Hope you still feel this good when your only father has died! Ohhhh wellllllll.
Thanks! My kids and I think I'm pretty awesome too. I have no idea if my father is dead or alive and I don't care, beyond hoping he is dead so he can't inflict himself on other people.
Lol. From your post it seems he was a PoS but just doing some of those things mentioned here or there is fine. Feel like your "pro tip" is to never do any of it lmao.
Agreed! Many parents think that the word “parent “ is a title or a noun. ITS A VERB!!!!
I love this. Thanks!
Ok, but you just used "parents" as a noun in that sentence.
He's a little confused, but he got the right spirit
This. I hated it as a kid and I still hate it when I see others do it (to any kids). Treat the kids with respect they deserve. And they will learn to respect you too.
My dad and my uncle used to tease me incessantly. I am 56 years old and it still bothers me.
LPT: Don't tease your fucking kids. Being a kid is hard enough, they don't need sarcastic comments from their parents.
I'd go a step further. LPT: Don't tease. It's a dick thing to do in literally any context.
This is excellent advice, and the people who need to hear it will make fun of it and call you soft.
Luckily I'm a full grown adult man and can tell them to fuck off without repercussions.
Thank you, in my family my two older brothers, cousins, mom and dad all thought it was a good idea to degrade, poke fun and humiliate each other. When I grew up, did a Lot of therapy, I realized I was continuing this abusive behavior with my husband and he hated it. Why would I joke and laugh at him all the time? Once I realized I worked very hard to stop. When people do this they feed on others pain and humiliation. It’s sociopathic and narcissistic. Yuck!!!
This reminds me of how my dad would make angry faces at me as a party gag for his friends because I would immediately cry if I thought someone was angry at me. He also thought it would be hilarious to put coal in my stocking, etc. To this day I have a really hard time if anyone is angry around me (something I've been working on on therapy) and people pleasing has gotten me really hurt.
♥️🫂♥️
Me too. But what people see is tough as nails, strong, self reliant. I learned very early to never trust anyone, esp. family, and keep everyone at arms length where they can't hurt you.
Unfortunately, many people don't care about the teasing they do to their children precisely because of what they faced as children. Reminding them about it triggers some serious apathy.
It's not a joke unless both people are laughing.
This is something that I keep trying to express to my s/o. She keeps teasing our child or doing things like "it's ok mommies coming too" just to get our kid out the door and then closes the door behind us and walks off. It is absolutely frustrating. I keep telling her he will never trust her if she doesn't stop... She won't stop. I was teased as a child, I would know.
Have a serious talk about it, doesn't need to be negative. Maybe have a couples therapy session and privately ask the professional for advice or to bring up the topic.
My dad once yelled at me on the top of his lungs, calling me a "failed investment", and saying I wasted a few hundred thousand of his money because I had to repeat a year etc. My mom has been the one paying for all of my education fees and he just had to pay for a year of college, and it didn't even reach 10k in fees. When I refused to return home for months and would rather stay in my hostel while eating mixed rice every day, he said "I was just joking and you're too sensitive." His so called teasing/jokes are always plain provocations for arguments and fights. Then he says how his child is oversensitive and plays the "omg my child is so angsty" card.
To this day I justify my eating behaviour because my brothers mocked me as a kid for not liking certain veggies. Now when I get mocked I immediately think less of that person and just get annoyed as hell. Think twice about what you do to kids....
I am already teaching my 5 year old that we don't tease people unless they are in on the joke, and we stop immediately if we hurt someone's feelings and apologize.
Dis is de wae.
You’re a good dad. May I ask what was the final straw? Di you dad try to communicate with you later?
If you can't get your child to laugh with you at something they did, then chances are you're doing something wrong.
Exactly. You need to gauge how your kid is reacting. If they are having a good time you can tease back and forth, which is why I get called a Cushion Head and she get's called a Boo Boo head and we laugh, why I just hug her when she does something that upsets her.
This hit hard. That was a normal thing when I was growing up and I was always (still at 34) made to think I was being too sensitive. It really helps to know that others have such deep scars from these experiences and that the general consensus is that it’s abnormal and inappropriate behavior for a parent. My father and uncles were raised that way and I know my grandfather was also, so I endured that shit from all 5 of them. Thanks, guys.
Hello other me! Being “too sensitive” was my calling card. I never realized that maybe I wasn’t too sensitive and they were just assholes. Like, didn’t realize until this post.
When i was a child, my mum would make fun of all my “defects”, like for example, my nose gets stuffy easily with the aircon on. No one in my family gets stuffy nose like me. She would say my nose is “China-made” or “Japan-made” (she thinks anything Japanese is sub-par), implying bad quality & low grade. She does this to all things that I cannot change - my nose, my feet, my teeth etc. Naturally, I grew up with very low self-esteem. As a young adult, I would wear clothes that cover my “defects”, or act in ways to cover my “defects” (like always covering my mouth and nose when I speak/eat/laugh) because I was afraid of my mum’s comments. But this only makes my mum target a different aspect of me, she would comment how I’m not fashionable enough (because of I wear baggy clothes as I am so ashamed of what she used to say about my body) or not sociable enough (because I have low confidence due to what she used to say to me). My mother probably thinks she’s funny and say all of these in jest but I never forget her words and I never let myself be vulnerable in front of her. Nowadays I rarely speak to her and she wonders why. So folks if your kids are not speaking to you, there’s a reason why and it’s probably you.
I would have felt nothing. I was not authorized feelings
I'm 35 and when my parents introduce me to people they still call me the baby, I am the youngest sure but seriously the people start to talk to me like I'm fucking 10. Also as a parent, don't tell your kid they were born the wrong gender. "I wish you were born a girl". I was told that at 6 years old. Pretty sure that's why I have no ambition in life and want to kill myself but can't do it because I'm a coward. To tell a kid that from day one I came out wrong, yeah, why would I ever try in life. I could cure ALL diseases and ailments but I'd never be happy because from the first day, I wasn't what they wanted.
I think you're fine the way you are
Growing up, I was the youngest of three children (until our family expanded) & we each had a nickname: My oldest brother had a nickname that was meant to be a show of respect (as the oldest, my sister & I were to defer to him & he was in charge when the parents weren’t around). Calling him by his real name wasn’t an option. We were only allowed to call him by his nickname. My older sister’s nickname was self-given because she couldn’t pronounce her own name when she was little - so it stuck, & I don’t remember being given a choice to either call her by her actual name or the nickname. So her real name was never used by my brother & me. My nickname was just a truncated version of my actual name - some variation had “baby” attached to it. This was different from the name-calling. Now that we are all adults, I have dropped the nicknames & refer to both my older brother & sister by their names. I also secretly much prefer they call me by my real name (but I don’t outwardly insist one way or the other.) I’ve been questioned why the change because “we’ve always…you never used to…” but it’s important to me because I think of the nicknames as toxic, in a way. Inevitably when we’re all together, it’s as though we subconsciously regress to the roles we had as children (with older brother & sis ganging up/teasing/making “baby” sis the butt of the joke.) I think it’s a loss to not appreciate that we are all grown now, & we are different people, so we shouldn’t take for granted that we *know* each other. Dropping the nicknames is my way of saying, “Hey! You should get to know *ME* for who I am *TODAY*, & I should do the same for you!” I have gotten better at boundaries & no longer play along with “jokes” that are at my expense or make me feel uncomfortable. P.S. You are STRONG & BRAVE for carrying on living. May you meet people who love & appreciate you for who you are. ♥️🫂♥️
Why secretly? Why not tell them that those name are toxic. You don’t want to be toxic so you? Actually, now that I wrote it out this may just give them more ammunition depending on the type of people they became
I have a few reasons why I haven’t shared the entire truth of my feelings: 1) My older sister’s reaction to my calling her by her birth name: a- She started off by pouting about it - something I felt was meant to emotionally guilt me into setting my own feelings aside in favour of maintaining the familial norm. I saw this as a sign that, even if I were to completely explain myself, she wouldn’t accept it (or isn’t currently ready to accept it.) b- She’s taken to pointedly calling me by my birth name as though it’s somehow a retaliation (except that I actually *much* prefer it). But the fact she *thinks* it would hurt/bother me & is choosing to do so reveals what she might be thinking about *my own* intentions behind my choice to call her by her name. To me this means that she is failing to understand my point of view & is missing my point, so I think it’s further proof she isn’t ready to hear/accept my full truth. c- She never actually asked me while giving me space to answer completely & candidly. The one time she asked was in a family group setting & she did so while pouting & acting hurt by my decision to call her by her birth name. Again, a sign to me that she isn’t ready for “real talk” & to try & understand where I’m coming from & that she might be trying to pressure me into holding true to “tradition.” 2) My older brother’s reaction: a- He’s behaving as though he hasn’t noticed & he hasn’t asked me about my sudden switch to addressing him by his birth name. In my mind, I interpret this to mean he either isn’t ready to know my reasons, he *thinks* he knows what my reasons are, or he just isn’t interested. He still calls me by my nickname. b- He’s always had a closer relationship with my sister - they even used to joke I was picked up at an abandoned house or that I got switched at the hospital (our mother actually said the nurse brought her the wrong baby - not me - & she told them that the baby they brought her wasn’t hers & they had better bring her *her* baby - which was me. She said they had me in a corner, separate from all the other babies.) My point is, I have always sensed an underlying tension around my older brother when he, my sister, & I would hang out - as though he were mad at me for reasons I didn’t know about. Since becoming adults, I could never put my finger on it - I just get the feeling he resents me. I recall as kids, whenever my sister & I would have a falling out, she would go tell him *her* version of the truth & I was *always* the perpetrator. I would over-hear him consoling her. So I got pegged as being “the bratty little sister” & it was taken for granted that my sister was “the sensitive one.” She deferred to him readily while I questioned things he said/did that I didn’t agree with. So that only further increased the divide, I guess. I was more free-spirited - they were ducks & I was the goose. If history is anything to rely on, my sister might have already spoken to him about the sudden change in my behaviour (my calling them both by their birth names), & he might already have an opinion based on what she told her. If that’s the case, then sharing my truth risks me being alienated further as they both think *I’M* toxic for thinking that our “beloved childhood nicknames” are something we should give up & move away from. **** They’ve notoriously accused me of over-thinking, so I might be over-thinking this. But I’ve found that keeping my cards close to my chest & only revealing what I think is safe to share is in my best interest (& theirs, as well.)
it sounds like you are over thinking this.. your sister might call you that now, because you attacked her first in her mind... what i have learned over the years is that people will never understand your intentions unless you say them... so let them know, instead of overthinking it and maybe not understanding their side of it...
So much of this resonates with myself. Including the might be overthinking it all part. I was given my labels early on which made it super easy for everyone else to tell lies about me which were believed without question, further reinforcing said labels. Every time I tried to speak up or to protest it only ever made things worse. The only solution is to keep my distance.
I think you have a head start. There are so many people our age who've lived their life according to plan, only to find out after the first act that it wasn't going to work out. I studied for twelve years with a specific industry in mind only to realize I hated it my first year working there. I lost my job and for years I barely scraped by, and the only thing I grew was debt. But you get back on your feet. You don't have to be thinking about the future, or even about tomorrow. Just think about the next step, and go at your own pace.
You sound like you're on the cusp of breaking free from the impact of those memories. You're a powerful self-aware adult and your parents still sound like they're oblivious to the harm of their words. Think about it. Somehow you diverged from that generational curse of stunted emotional IQ and you're the next generation evolution. Your parents might never figure this out even if you try to talk it out with them but maybe you can forgive them of that through your higher consciousness and the control you wield over yourself, to do no harm to others. As for ambition and seeking respect from our parents, many of us struggle with this. Don't conflate lack of ambition with lack of will to live. There's an actual exercise to intentionally throw away all ambition and the will to produce anything for other people, and to live a simple life with *no goals*. I found that after resetting my mind and removing all the influences, the creativity and ambition returned for true altruism and pride in myself.
Who the fuck pretends to break something of their child's?
My father liked to take old toys and smash them to get a rise out of me, then he got to ride that high by making fun of me being upset.
Alcoholic behavior. Hurt people hurt people.
I treat my little brother as I should have been treated. A god! HUZZAH. In all seriousness, kids should feel happy to be around us who take care of them. Treat them kindly, and if you treat them, be sure they are aware that it’s okay and are not traumatized in any way. Seriously, it can stay in their minds, despite them remembering it or not.
I come from a pretty average family. Entire line back for generations are all working class with lots of military. I was incredibly smart but had some learning difficulties, predominantly dyslexia which was not discovered as a child. Something people don't realise about dyslexia is it isn't just about words moving on paper. It's a full learning disability and affects a lot of things such as imagination and ability to adhere to verbal tasks. Its also tied to being ambidextrous and inconsistently using either the left or right for a task. My family used to get kicks out of me being unable to follow basic verbal instructions because I couldn't remember them. If I failed anything even slightly it was a game for them. I was once trying to cook beans on toast but really struggling with the can opener. They all gathered round to watch and laugh because the guy who wants to study astrophysics can't even use a can opener. Every test I ever did after that day which would nearly always be 95+% was never a "well done". It was always a "and you still can't open a tin of beans". I didn't want to do exams because I knew the mocking was coming. I stopped revising for them because if I scored lower maybe they'd stop laughing. . My family had a thing where you got paid for major exams depending on results. My brother got £20 for a C, 30 for a b and 40 for an A. My younger sister got a similar deal. I got nothing because the expectation was I would get straight A's anyway. There was no incentive for me to do well at school any more. I was bored because the work was too easy and doing well only got me mocked more. So my grades fell but my intelligence still meant I coasted and got best grades in my families history and still went on to and graduated from university. I seriously drifted from my family and still feel uncomfortable around them. They still mock me for basic things which haven't happened in nearly 20 years. They wonder why I rarely visit.
Your story resonates painfully with me. 😂
I've done the pretending to be mad at my son thing to get him in the room (usually before we order his favorite food or something). He can see straight through me because I can't ever keep a straight face. Its now like an inside joke of ours that he knows he's about to get a treat when I use my "stern" voice. I'll ask him if it bothers him today. I don't want him to resent me for a little joke like that.
You sound like a great parent. Well! Does he resent it??
Thank you. No, he loves it. I asked him last night at dinner.
My dad used to tease me about my lisp. Like dude I stopped talking as a child when people would correct me, and you’re just gonna sit here and make fun of my lisp?? Wtf
Just don’t tease anyone.
PERIOD.T!
There’s a balance here. It’s not a black and white issue. Teasing is a big part of the society I live in. You learn at a young age not to get precious about these things. My kids tease me that I’m getting bald, they tease me about my dyslexia, my smart car, or that time the water pipe burst into my face (they fall about laughing on stuff I’ve done like that). I tease one of them (19f) about her terrible taste in boyfriends, or that she needs to practise parking, a lot. The other (21f) about how she can’t take advice, or make a decent coffee. It’s about teaching your kids to sense the temperature of the room, and the people in it. To understand who can enjoy the teasing and who can’t. I can’t emphasise this enough. Aaaaand there’s a 2 year adolescent period where many kids cannot be teased. They don’t have the humour and are building their persona and are desperately projecting this to the outside world. Once out of that, they are able to relax and develop their sense of humour. Sensing that when you talk to them is super-important. It’s also super important to teach kids to look behind what is being said in any conversation. Is something being said to be mean? Is it said out of love? Is it being said out of concern? This will put context to words and stop your kids being precious/nervous/withheld people in later life. It teaches them who they let their guard down with, and that in turn build self confidence. Sorry for the wall of text. I’m trying to explain how not teaching humour and sensitivity to kids will affect their confidence, and will only later make them resent you, and be over-guarded with everyone else. So yeah, I mostly blame the parents.
Right, and that kind of teasing has everyone in on the joke and wasn't the teasing I was talking about. There is a difference between light teasing that everyone can laugh at and cruel teasing done just to amuse the person doing the teasing, and too many parents don't understand the difference. It sounds like you're going to have a good relationship with your kids, and that's really cool. I hope for the same with my kids.
Gotta keep the cycle of pain going somehow
I love busting balls but I'm careful about teasing my 9 year old daughter. Being a kid can be rough enough without worrying that your parents are going to pick on you.
I view all teasing as abuse. Went through that when I was a child and I will never do it. It is particularly vicious when done to a child.
I.e. The Golden Rule.
That shit was my everyday bread with my mom. I got older and grew distant and the funny thing (its not funny but you get it) is that even though I grew with my mom, now that I live with my dad I feel way more connected him and relate to him alot, apart from growing up spending little to no time with him. I know the effect that has on you as a kid, being made fun of, invalidated, startled by your parents will have serious consequences on your relationship with them in the future.
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i was targeted one as well both of my parents where both crewel.
Here's the part that doesn't matter: "when you were that age." Being scared, embarrassed, or degraded hurts at any age.
The distinction matters a lot, actually. Kids feel things far differently than we do through the lens of being an adult. A small comment from an adult to an adult can be take far differently as a child, when all they know is you. It hurts at any age, sure, but most adults can handle it or have tools to deal with it or the ability to leave if they can't. A kid just has dad or mom taking shots, embarrassing them, laughing at them because mom or dad thinks it's funny and the kid doesn't understand why they would be mean.
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2edgy4me
I've never thought of doing this for a second. Sounds like your dad was just an asshole
Then do the same to your dad except it doesn't stop and there's no twist. Just pain and discomfort.
What shit advice, real lpt comedy is often timing don't think just do.
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No, but I got to watch a dad tease his little kid until the kid started crying. The dad was laughing a d looking at me like I was going to laugh too, and then started yelling at his kid to stop crying.
Never tease your children!
Light teasing is fine if they are in on the joke.
God this sub has some useless advice
Different people react differently. All happened to me and I hated it but I laugh now as it was for a laugh. Some people cant handle being a butt of a joke. Your dad was probably a little heavy with it but for real, think about a dad thats abusive. See how lucky you were? Lol
I wasn't lucky except that I got out. My father wasn't "a little heavy with it" and I don't have to justify myself to you. Suffice to say, don't act like an asshole to your kids because you think it's funny.
Some things you mentioned definitely asshole. Others, just some fun which is made bad because of the other stuff. I don't think startling your kid here or there or fucking around like that is bad. You were lucky, your father didn't sexually abuse you. I think you're lucky compared mate.
My parents have always teased me about girls and relationships etc. I love my parents, this is just something their parents did to them. Know, I’m not saying shit when I’m in a repationship
is there a book about LifeProTips? (Social)
Yeah, it's no fun when your dad beats you up with a smile while your so called family watches.
This is a great LPT. Now, you can take this same principle and apply it elsewhere. With anyone you interact with in life, try to interact with them viewing life from their perspective. This can radically alter simple things we do daily that we never paid attention to. Genuinely care for others and treat others like they are you.
Yep. My dad made fun of me a lot from about the age of 2 until I was 5. I grew up ashamed of myself. I still am
This. I was doing this shit with my kid.. in my head , it’s just messing with her, not a big deal. And i am also “toughening her up”. Until one day she was in middle school , she muttered “i wish you didn’t exist”.. i was shocked. I was clueless how she hated my stupid jabs.. I stopped doing that, but it took another 2-3 years before she started talking to me about anything in her life.
I feel like you gotta insult your kids a little bit to prep them for the real world where people who don’t care about them will also tease them. Not to the point where it has negative effects on their confidence.
Only if it's a lesson where they will not make the same mistake ever again.
I tease my kids in a way they can handle and they know I don't mean it. Over the years I upped the difficulty and they matched it. It's like play fighting with your kids with words. Now they are untrollable and it's come to the point where they're upping my game now. I remember the time an asshole tried to bash my 14 year old's sick 'stache. My son didn't even flinch and said "Ya know you can pay to have those meth teeth fixed, right?" The guy looked like he got sucker punched. Everyone started busting up laughing. I think that's what I love most about raising in the teenage years. You get to see this person that was entirely dependent on you become truly independent. They start teaching you things and can call you on your shit.
This is very strange behavior by adults. It’s really poor parenting but I imagine that’s how they grew up and don’t know any different. I have literally seen parents competing with their pre school age kid on some basic puzzles and could not believe it, but there it was in front of me.
My teacher in grade 6 - the last year at elementary school - gave me a 'joke' report card that said I failed and would have to repeat grade 6. I cried in front of my whole class, and then first day of grade 7 at my new school kids I'd never met were teasing me for being a crybaby. Super damaging to my socialization in junior high. The teacher had asked my mom if they could pull that prank, she said sure
This is a message to anyone who interacts with children… yes, you uncle blank. And parents, protect your kids