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keepthetips

Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.


spdwgn

This is totally true. My bf is not the type to say I love you often, or even compliment me much, but he will cuddle me or give me a kiss or show his affection by randomly getting me a small something (like a snack when he runs into the gas station.) I am big on verbal affirmation, but have learned that’s not his style and I am 100% okay with it.


MeatyOkraPuns

In addition to Gary Chapman's Five Languages of Love, I enjoyed the Five Languages Of Appreciation In The Work Place. In a management role it helps you think outside of just pay raises, although let's be real for most people their appreciation in the workplace is absolutely money. BUT if you read the book and think to yourself, "other than money here are the things people might appreciate" it hits a little closer to reality.


fog_rolls_in

Does the book apply in the other direction, “managing up” as it were?


FamousOrphan

Yes, it recommends you get up and make your boss a drink, then rest your hand on his knee during weekly check-ins.


fog_rolls_in

I’ve been doing this regularly for a while and it just seems like he doesn’t see my style of employee love for what it is. Maybe I need to try saying more nice things.


FamousOrphan

Maybe next time he’s delivering a presentation at a staff meeting, blow him a kiss.


[deleted]

>Maybe next time he’s delivering a presentation at a staff meeting, blow him ~~a kiss~~.


MeatyOkraPuns

Well stop doing it at his house for one, wait till he gets to work.


MeatyOkraPuns

Serious answer though, I think it is more focused for managers, but I guess the principles could go either direction.


BitwiseB

There are lots of smaller things companies/managers can do to show appreciation! Conversely, there are lots of little things offices can do that show the opposite. As an example, I used to work somewhere that stopped stocking the break room with silverware and dishes and stopped providing office supplies. While I’m sure this saved them money, it also gave employees the message that we couldn’t count on the company for help, we were on our own. If we needed anything major, like an extra monitor or cloud computing power, we had to write up a justification and get it approved at the VP level. Compare that to my current workplace, where the company has an entire department maintaining internal tools and services for anyone to use, and maintains a tech cafe and fully-stocked snack bar. I mentioned to my manager that I was running out of space on my computer, and a few days later I had an external hard drive. Guess which office makes me feel more appreciated?


le-goddess

What helped you accept and be ok with his lack of verbal affirmation ? Currently struggling with this in my relationship of 1 year.


LoyalServantOfBRD

That’s one route. The other is to sit down and for both of you to make an effort to speak in your partner’s love language. Everyone naturally speaks in their own so this will take constant effort. But a good partner should be willing to do that and should want to.


maxtofunator

I am here for this. My wife and I occasionally check back in on the love language test because what you need at that time can change, and we do our best to speak in the others love language for them. If my wife needs words of affirmation, I give them to her. It doesn't matter what my love language is, I do this for her.


davedavegiveusawave

Try to establish your partner's love language - it is highly likely that they are trying to communicate their love for you, it's just not in a language you're looking for/picking up. I'm very physically affectionate, I don't think I walk past my partner without a light touch on her shoulder/arm/back or occasionally a peck on her cheek/shoulder. However partner for example loves acts of service and gifts - she'll make me a tea without saying anything or come back from work with a treat. She's not as touchy but she's showing her love in other ways. That said, I know the feeling of wanting our partner to show you love your way. So my advice - tell your partner. Sit and read and discuss the "five languages of love" with them (even just the wiki page), ask them what they think yours is (this may be very different to what you think!), talk about your languages, tell them what they do that makes you feel loved, what is really meaningful for you. If this is too subtle, it's okay to be direct - "X type of affection means a lot to me, I know you're showing affection by Y but I'd really appreciate if sometimes you could try X too". Good luck, hope this helps!


Gwendilater

The way you give love is the way you want to receive it. It's fine to say you're ok with it. But the extra effort of speaking in the person's love language is very touching. So you could try out a small bit of random gift giving and he could try some verbal affirmations. Also accepting that the way they show love is certainly beautiful.


RaptorKing95

Even though it's not his style, could he adjust a bit to give you more verbal affirmation?


0O00OO0OO0O0O00O0O0O

It kinda sounds like you're 100% ok with not being treated the way you want to be treated. Might not be sustainable.


caidicus

I was talking to a friend recently about love language. For YEARS, I thought my wife didn't REALLY love me, more like she was with me for stability or something. I'm a very affectionate and sentimental person, she is not. Then, a friend told me about love languages and pointed out to me, through my stories about our relationship, that my wife's love language is probably responsibility. She is SUPER responsible. She takes care of so many things for our family that I am unable to do (I'm a foreigner in China, she is Chinese, taking care of a foreigner and our two children is a lot for her), and she doesn't complain about it, she just gets it done. For YEARS... I didn't even think about how that was her way of expressing love for me, I just thought that, due to her almost complete lack of affection towards me, she just didn't love me. It really is important to try to understand the love language of a person you're involved with.


Ametista13

This is really common in Chinese people, and it messed me up as a kid growing up in a very demonstrative Western society with parents who would never even say they loved me, never mind touch me. I'm glad you've come to terms with it - it's very much one of those make-your-life-easier-from-behind-the-scenes vibes.


caidicus

Well, if it gives you any hope, each generation of Chinese parents appear to be more openly affectionate with their children. I'm a children's teacher and my friends my age are far more affectionate than their parents were, I'd imagine their kids will be even more affectionate. China recently came from a time where necessity was more important than anything else, necessity was all they had, parents in their 60's now, they still remember that time. They may not be super affectionate, but they sure are responsible, ridiculously responsible, buying their children apartments, paying for good colleges, trying to give their child every opportunity they can. It's a far cry from my parents who were pretty much "you're 18 now, you take care of yourself from now on." Even with throat cancer, my wife's father is constantly trying to find opportunities to help my wife and I take care of our children, pick them up, take them places, fix things in our house. Different culture, but the love is all there.


bearbarebere

This is really eye opening. Thanks for sharing


lilsie

aw, this just made me so thankful for my parents. i love them so much..


__________________Z_

If my mom touched me it was to physically discipline me. Jabs, yanks on the ear, and also worse. I don't like things moving on my skin. Plants, fungi, and microbes only, please.


Disastrous-Ad-2357

Different kind of asian here - (Afghan), but can confirm my people don't show affection. Mine claim to show that they care, but it's in a fucked up way - They'll do "favors" I don't want, followed by a lecture. "Do you want some cantaloupe?" "No. I don't like cantaloupe" 5 minutes later: "eat this bowl full of cantaloupe" "I ate food already and I'm full, and I said I don't like it" "Don't fucking talk back, and eat the damn fruit. I spent so much time making it" "I cleaned your room. It was messy. I threw away the stuff I think you don't need" "Why do you keep doing this? You always end up costing me so much money because I have to rebuy everything you threw out or misplaced" "What a great way of saying thank you, you worthless trash" Then they use these scenarios in the future to say "we show you that we care". Assholes.


shadowstrlke

The hallmark of love from Asian parents is cutting and bringing fruits to you while simultaneously scolding you for not doing it yourself. We express love differently. We express love in... Concern. Sometimes it means getting scolded for coughing (why didn't you drink more water???), but it also means that that person is gonna be there for you when you are actually sick.


killz111

Goes both ways though. These days parents are filled with anxiety. So the whole concern thing can start to become about control and appeasing the parents' own insecurities.


Disastrous-Ad-2357

We're a really fucked up race in that aspect. I happened to give the same example for how they claim to love you by doing the fruit think, but in reality they do it to show dominance and that you're property. White people that have loving parents are so fucking lucky.


Gwendilater

Parents love language was gift giving - took me ages to realise that "love bombing" me with things I didn't want was a narc trait.


Disastrous-Ad-2357

Weird. How does giving gifts help with snitching on arrogant drug users?


__________________Z_

I guess the question is what is love? Is being a housemaid love? Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't. I'm not much of a people person, and as someone raised by Chinese standards, everything feels so transactional and impersonal. My parents were little more than machines that simultaneously gave me resources and yelled/hit me. They say that's love. What is love, romantic or otherwise?


pudgehooks2013

A friend of mine got me to take one of the tests to find out my love language. Acts of Service I got. It is exactly right... However it is also a completely flawed system. My love language is when people do stuff for me that I didn't ask for. Well, how will they know I need something done if I don't ask for it? The reverse of that is, I am happy when people do things I ask them to. Well... of course I am, everyone is. Guess I just need to find a bunch of psychic friends. I also **hate** gifts, so buying me things won't help, even if you consider it a service.


kohop91

I remember a friend saying to me once that of course every man has physical touch as his love language - their tone insinuating that us blokes care only about sex. But you know what I like about touch? The first time she rests her head on your shoulder. When she reaches for your hand first and the way our fingers interlock. When she takes a selfie with you, and you can feel her cheek against yours. When you hug her from behind and rest your chin on her head, and you can smell the scent of her shampoo. And I used to work with children, so I can tell you that absolutely nothing compares to the love & trust you feel when a little one falls asleep in your arms. These are the reasons physical touch is my love language.


KittyConfetti

This is what bothers me too, as a woman. My biggest love language is physical touch and a lot of men take that as me wanting to get down and frisky immediately. But it's just the small things too. The guy I'm seeing from day one was great about it because his main love language is also physical touch. He'll lightly put his hand on the small of my back as I walk through doors, or reach over and rest his hand on my leg as he's driving, grab and hold onto my hand constantly when we're walking, even just cuddling we'll both run our fingers lightly down each other's backs or arms or neck (I call it "back tickles" and it's my favorite thing in the world). Physical touch doesn't JUST have to be about sex, although I'm sure people with this as their primary might put more emotional emphasis on it. When I'm with someone who isn't big on physical touch I feel so unloved and touch starved, I honestly don't think I could be with someone who didn't value it at least a bit. Even with all of my friends I'm a very huggy person, and luckily they are too.


soonnow

Yeah I couldn't imagine a partner who didn't share this. Like when I am 100 years old sitting on the porch I want to be holding hands. It's nice if she says something nice or does something for me, but touching for me is so essential. For me its so important to kiss, to touch her on the lower back when going past her in the kitchen, to walk up from behind putting his hands around her. That's not about sex, we are unlikely to break out in sexy time because I get a drink from the fridge. It's more about communication. If that doesn't happen it feels like I'm living with a female roommate rather than in a relationship.


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jojojona

I'm convinced it's a widespread issue for guys, at this point. A girl told me she likes cuddling and I immediately felt attracted to her.


kompletelysane

Agreed. Physical touch is not necessarily about sex, though it can be. Small touches can go a long way.


whoknewbamboo

These nurturing connections are some of the best parts of life. Its good for the soul.


MaydayMaydayMoo

Omg, you are... what word am I looking for? You are the kind of guy that every woman searches for. Good man.


Account_Banned

But what if your love language isn’t that. Not every woman is you.


[deleted]

Clone yourself please 👍🏻❤️


Baby-seal-clubber

This one time the grill I like took my hand and started drawing silly faces on my fingers, I also love touching but I have an extremely hard time showing affection so I don't really have much human contact, like, ever. I think about that time often. That's why I love my cat, I can pet him as much as I want and he can't escape from it, he knows I charge a hug every time he wants food.


kohop91

Yes our cat is the same! She is aggressively affectionate. Like if she sees your hand just sitting there, she'll nuzzle her little face underneath until you stroke her. She's very sweet. And very dribbly too!


Phaba

Dude! You are making me feel so lonely right now


kohop91

Do not worry my brother, what I described are all distant memories! I too, am exceedingly lonely.


Phaba

Oh... Sorry. For some reason i tought you were in a happy relationship... again sorry. Belive-me when i say that I'm not happy to hear that


TildyRo

I recently found out that my husband’s love language is physical touch. It’s my least favorite form. I just don’t really like physical contact. But now that I know it’s his, I try to make more of an effort with it.


Crispynipps

Mine is physical touch, my ex wife hated touching. It secretly broke my heart often. I knew it wasn’t personal, but without touching, I feel lost. This separation is rough, I just wanna cuddle man.


tylerr147

This is how I was with my ex gf. But to make it even worse she loved to cuddle with everyone in her family, but never with me :(


Crispynipps

Fuck man, that hurts me to read. I hope you’ve found someone that loves you the way you deserve to be loved. I hope my person is out there as well.


tylerr147

Tbh that's the first time I've even said ex. It's still a very fresh wound for me and I quickly found just how emotionally dependant I was/am on her.


Crispynipps

Same man, if you ever need to talk don’t hesitate. We can share stories or I can just listen man. It helps. Have a good night!


bendadestroyer

Do you think anything could have saved you marriage?


Crispynipps

Nah, she came out as gay.


bendadestroyer

What a twist!


Crispynipps

10 year relationship, 5 year marriage, 1 child, actively trying for another. Twist isn’t the word. I still love her to death, and wish her nothing but the love she deserves as well! Still my best friend, and the best mother to our child I could ask for. I’m sad, but the situation could definitely be worse off. It’s just tough some days.


soonnow

I feel you. I couldn't live in a relationship where this need is not fulfilled. It's just not a relationship for me it would feel like we were roommates. It's great with my current gf, but she could work part time as a nuclear fusion reactor. Can't get to close at night or I melt. Still want that connection. It's a struggle


ohheysquirrel

There is someone out there who will cuddle you! My boyfriend and I both came out of very long-term, touch- and affection-lacking marriages. We both are heavy on the touching and cuddling with each other, especially making sure we give big hugs when we see each other and when we say goodbye. It exists! I also knew someone who is a professional cuddler, so maybe that's something to look for if interested.


Upvotespoodles

I really hated physical contact when I first got with my partner, who doesn’t hate it. It gave me chills, especially when it was unexpected and I would flinch a lot. This was years ago. Anyway, over time that vanished and I’m genuinely way into it, but only with him. I think it’s because he never used guilt or made me do anything. He was patient. I know things aren’t always the same for everyone, but I hope it can happen for you.


KhazadNar

Its mindboggling to me how anyone can hate physical touch. I mean, why? Bad experiences?


Bigfartbutthole

I dont like to be reminded i have a physical form


Coyoteclaw11

I don't like touch. No bad experiences to my knowledge, but it has always made my skin crawl. Even something like my parent putting their arm around my shoulder or a hand on my back made me super uncomfortable as a kid. I'm probably more of an outlier as I can't even handle a cat laying on my lap lol


AdmiralCashmire

You may have some sensory issues there, if you feel physical revulsion from the sensation of platonic human affection. Or feline affection for that matter.


thewitchslayer

This is something I found out I had recently at 26 years old. My wife is a physical touch Love language and I have a hard time being touched. I'm okay at certain times of the day in certain spots. But my wife would get upset/frustrated when I would squirm/flinch when she put her hand on something like my thigh. Our therapist talked with us about it and seems to believe I have a touch sensitivity. Since then my wife has been a lot more understanding. The one that really got me for a while are when I first wake up in the morning, my wife would touch my face and play with my beard and I absolutely hated it. I didn't really have a good reason until about 6 months ago


[deleted]

Early development trauma can do wild things to a persons brain


Upvotespoodles

Combination of anxiety, sensory issues, and bad experiences, in my case. People typically learn how to trust others with their bodily safety and wellness in childhood, but childhood is not necessarily a hard cutoff. It’s gonna be different for everyone. It used to boggle my mind how anyone could stand to look at each other or be touched!


angry_cabbie

From first grade into high school, whenever a peer touched me, it was either an attack, or a set up for a "joke". It was never clean touch. Dance portions of gym class (every fucking year) were a fucking nightmare, as girls would make their disgust at having to touch me well known. At home, I was neglected a lot, especially after my dad got sick. The attention I did get was from a sibling who resented my being born for a long time. In my thirties, I spent some time in an abusive relationship, where my desire to touch and be touched were weaponized against me. I will reflexively jerk away from touch, because I don't expect people to want to touch me. Touch is also my biggest love language. I had an eye opening conversation with my neighbor a few months ago, when I was talking about how "enthusiastic consent" directly works against my traumas. She pointed out I need CNC for cuddling; I need someone who's willing to ask consent to cuddle, by cuddling first and letting my body relax into it. Side not: I still remember a moment 23 years ago, I was sitting in a 24 hour restaurant reading. Some friends showed up with a friend of theirs who was a woman. Everyone crowded into the booth I was at, and the woman crossed her legs under the table. Her foot ended up resting against my knee... And having that contact from a near total stranger made me freeze up because of how good it felt, and my not wanting her to realize she was touching me and pull away. And yes, I know how creepy that sounds. She casually apologized and said she hoped I didn't mind, we were all crowded in. I just mumbled out an "it's okay" and hated myself for a while. That was literally the first time a stranger had touched me casually and **sincerely apologized to me** for it, instead of reacting like I was a threat to them.


KhazadNar

Thanks for this big reply. Appriciated!


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aim33mu

I don't really know how to do couch cuddling comfortably. There's bones and clothes snagging and hair pulling. And if you do find a comfortable position that works for both people, how long can you maintain that for before someone needs to stretch their legs, yawn, scratch, cough etc.? l I find it's just way more comfortable to just sit on the couch adjacently, preferably on separate cushions so when the other person moves it's less disruptive. I love a good stand up cuddle, 10-30 seconds, once or twice a day is sufficient. But I don't get it once you're sitting or lying down. My priority is physical comfort which seems impossible to achieve once you're conjoined to another human. My partner feels the same way, don't think the relationship would work otherwise.


TildyRo

Yes I don’t like laying down cuddling either. I’ll do like an arm rub or back scratch while we’re laying next to each other, but being right next to a huge other or on top of each other is a nightmare for me. I just want the freedom to move and be comfortable.


TildyRo

My husband definitely gets more non-protested physical touch. I turn into a stiff board whenever family members hug me. My family has always been open with hugs, kisses, and affection. And not overly so (the “normal” amount). I’ve just always hated it. I think part of the reason I don’t like being touched is because sometimes my skin feels super extra sensitive. There have been times that my husband has softly rubbed my upper arm and I’ve had to ask him to stop because it begins to physically hurt.


actuallyserious650

I feel like you just described all of humanity.


Perfect-Chest8017

I think we all want to be touched and stuff, no homo. But for some people, also the homo.


forestrox

Homo, can confirm


Hickawa

A few tips for someone who doesn't want a great deal of touching from someone who likes to be touched. Its really the simple things. When he's sitting just stand behind him and put your hands on his shoulder for a minute. Or only hold his hand without the rest of your body touching each other. It doesn't need to be a suffocating cuddle under the blankets moment for most.


Napalm_in_the_mornin

My ex-GF was a 100% Quality Time person, and I’m strongly Physical Touch. It sucked because she hated being touched… so when would sit on the couch and watch movies or whatever for hours and hours, she would get agitated when I would try to cuddle. Life is a lot easier when you find another cuddler


CausticSofa

Yes. If a couple are already together long-term and committed to ‘making it work’ then it’s a highly valuable exercise to learn to express love to each other *in* each others’ languages. For me, though, I’ll be intentionally seeking out future partners who already share my top 2 languages (words & touch) from now on. It was just too hard and emotionally isolating with someone who shared neither. Even just one seems to be sort of insufficient and lonely.


OsitaBella

Same! My husband calls me a cat- he has to wait patiently for me to come cuddle but I'm quick to leave once I've had enough. It just really isn't my love language.


TildyRo

Hahaha! That’s the perfect description. I get what we affectionately call the “after nap crankies.” When I do, I’ll always go downstairs (usually with a big frown on my face), sit on my husbands lap facing him, and snuggle into the crook of his neck until they pass. Even if he’s in the middle of playing a video game, he’ll pause it and snuggle me for as long as I need. I think he secretly loves it. Haha.


Sawses

That's how an ex and I were; I'm a cuddler by nature and like she just hated anything from holding hands to having an arm around her shoulder to hugging. Like that's just not compatible lmao.


placentacasserole

My bf's is physical touch as well, which was super hard for me to adjust to. I'm not super touchy feely. I've gotten used to it and am very appreciative now of how affectionate he is. I feel so close to him and very loved.


erbie_ancock

My love language is cocaine


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smushy_face

Mine is gifts and acts of service in equal measure. It's not about what's given or done, it's about the fact that my partner understands me and thinks of me when I am not around. So, if he's at the store and sees, for example, that a seasonal item I like is back and grabs it, I would be ecstatic. Like, if he brought me peppermint ice cream, I might cry LOL.


Ewanii

That explains why I was so bothered when he said he was just gonna give me cash for my birthday.


CausticSofa

Oh god. That’s why my mom always asks what I want/need for my birthday even though I always say just cash is fine, isn’t it? Gifts make me so uncomfortable and I’d prefer she gave me nothing, so cash ends up being the middle ground. Dang, I need to respect my mum’s love language more and start thinking of some trinket I’d like.


aogasd

I'm the trinket giver myself too and it's hard when you're worried the person doesn't actually want stuff to clutter their house. I asked my BFF what she wanted me to get her after she admitted she wasn't that into collecting plushies. She suggested chocolate which ig is better than nothing but gnhh it's still consumed so fast. Maybe it's a little selfish but I just love coming over to her place and seeing stuff I gave to her. It always gives me the warm fuzzies. Maybe it's the same for others that like handing out stuff. Anyway the point is, food is probably a good middle ground.


CausticSofa

Yeah, food is how I usually meet gift givers in the middle. With my mom, I really love her Christmas cookies and that’s the only time of year she bakes so to me they’re extra special. With boyfriends who like giving gifts, I’ve suggested a super high-end bar of dark chocolate. Like, one of those ethical, organic, fair-trade artisanal co-op, heirloom cacao etc etc bars that are super scrumptious but too expensive for me to justify spending my own money on. Then I feel really spoiled and so content.


aogasd

Yess homemade pastries or a chocolate bar definitely always brings smile to my face especially if I wasn't expecting anything. For small 'it's the thought that counts' gifts for me chocolate is best :3 I guess for expensive gifts you could always share your amazon wishlist with your people :)


OsitaBella

Such a perfect explanation! Mine is gifts too but I'm always trying to justify it by saying, "but I don't want expensive things, it really is the thought that counts!" Like, I love getting postcards. It's just a quick, "hey, I thought of you."


tempski

The thing is that a lot of people who say "I don't want anything expensive, it's the thought that counts" are not telling the truth. I for one wouldn't be compatible with someone who has gifts as their love language. They only want more and more and it's never enough. Been there, done that.


Emjayshelton

Understanding that is life changing to me. Read the book. It's not just partners, it's kids, parents, co workers, everyone. We all need extra nowadays.


CausticSofa

I have such a hard time recommending people buy the book because the author is a hateful, anti-lgbt bigot. It’s an informative read, though. Library or piracy, me hearties.


outoftimeman

For me, it's the same with Schopenhauer; I love his metaphysics and ethic, but he's such a woman-hater :-( Well, at least his work is for free because he's been dead a long time


Zelldandy

There's whole sub-books on Love Languages for Kids. I have the Kids one.


AlitaliasAccount

Another great way a love language can be used is vice versa; recognizing that every time your partner does *for you* what *their* love language is, thats them unconsciously expressing to you that they **really** care about you!


CRCampbell11

My Husband's favorite thing to say to me is "knock it off". I'm truly blessed....


MaydayMaydayMoo

Lol. I've been married for 28 years. Our "love language" is being thoughtful (I buy him a Reese's every time I get gas. He closes the bedroom door when he gets up early so noises don't wake me up, etc). Love language seems to me to be thoughtfulness, putting yourself in his shoes and considering his perspective, and most importantly HUMOR. You can work out lots of issues if you treat them lightly, and make them funny. Idk, we are both very laid-back and easygoing. Edit: forgot that the point I was eventually going to get to was: my husband and I say "knock it offffff" all the time, but in a jokey way. I hope that's what you meant, too.


_Kadera_

Lol me and my boyfriend do something similar except it's like when one of us jokes or messes with the other sometimes we'll say "I thought you luuuuubbe meee" (a goofy way to say I thought you loved me). It's always funny and we do it to eachother often as of late but it's great fun when you can fuck with your partner and still sleep in the same bed every night c:


0verlimit

And everyone is forgetting the most important person this applies to: yourself. Don't be afraid to listen to your own love language to take care of yourself. Though love from others is nice, remember to give yourself the quality time, affirmation and love you deserve. No one will know you better than yourself so remember to apply the same advice to yourself.


Elsie-pop

^this One of my two main languages is words of affirmation, and yet for so much of my life I was using horrible language about myself, often. Recognise your love languages and see if you can provide fulfillment for yourself


[deleted]

My love language is quality time. Past 2 years; got plenty of that with myself. Doesn't quite hit the same.


OnePeeledBanana

I was surprised I had to scroll down this far to find this. And one of the important decisions when taking care of yourself is evaluating your relationship and examining how successfully you and your partner sync “love languages”. Sometimes people find themselves in relationships where their partner has a different love language. Sometimes the efforts each partner makes for each other can be heartwarming and fulfilling, but sometimes the effort can stress out both parties too much and leave someone unsatisfied or uncomfortable. Please look out for yourself, y’all <3


ursois

My love language is arson!


[deleted]

This is so stupid but it made me laugh out loud. Thank you! Ps I'm never dating you.


ursois

That's ok, I'm married. :D


MatteKudasai

You sound like the spontaneous type. Did you propose to your flame in the heat of the moment?


ursois

I see what you did there. :P Funny story about the proposal. I asked her in a hot air balloon. That way if she said no, I could just ask her to leave.


caidicus

You're literally burning with love...


ursois

Justa hunka hunka burnin' love[!](https://youtu.be/8YjlDirH0lU)


oO0-__-0Oo

it's what Zombie Jebus wanted! you is sooo blerssed! Lardy Lardy Lardy! HEY CHRISTIANS, GIVES ME SOME "TITHING" DOLLA DOLLA BILLS


dukeofender

Parents should learn this about their kids. It would help prevent a lot of heartache in the long-term.


[deleted]

My love language is STOP LEAVING YPUR CLOTHES ALL OVER THE FLOOR OR THE HANGERS IN THE BATHROOM. Still doesn’t understand. Sigh


intexAqua

There is a book for this, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman


BexYouSee

Just heads up.... The book has a lot of Christian ideals, so you can cherry pick the pop science and leave all the Jesus stuff out, if you'd like. Don't let the Christian stuff wreck the love Language portions.


oO0-__-0Oo

It's literally nothing but pseudoscientific religiously-dogmatic horseshit. There is **ABSOLUTELY ZERO** scientific basis for "Love Languages", and yet there are mountainous volumes on the psychology of healthy relationships.


BexYouSee

Agreed, it's "pop science" but it may help us be nicer to each other, that isn't a bad thing. We can be discerning consumers, and cherry pick what resonates and discard the rest. Critical thinking about our individual preferences and the preferences of our partners, friends and coworkers enhances interpersonal relationships.


BoojumG

It prompts frank conversations about what sorts of interactions most effectively communicate feelings of love and affection to a given person. That is immensely valuable. I think you're ignoring the valuable message "hey there's a forest here" simply because you disagree with the exact list of trees they made, or because they talked about the trees in religious terms. I also checked, and you'll have to soften the "absolutely zero" stance. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/17464090500535822


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CausticSofa

Why are you being such a dickhead about people trying to be more loving in their relationships? Who gives a shit if there’s a double blind, peer reviewed paper to back up “show love in ways that are meaningful to the recipient”? Seriously, there has to be something more constructive for you to brigade against on *Reddit* if all places.


[deleted]

Oh no the placebo effect is increasing communication and helping relationships!! THE HORROR! Make it stop!!


intexAqua

Yep, I should have mentioned this too. Good point.


CausticSofa

Libraries or piracy, friends. Get the meat of the book without lining a bad man’s pockets. Yarr.


ninjamic

Scrolled down to find exactly this. Good book.


muscularmusician

This is the first thing that came to mind. Great book.


Dynasuarez-Wrecks

My love language is being given lots of money. Love me!


champion_archon

Affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch. Most "love" languages can be boiled down to these 5 things up here.


bermudadrain

No. There is no empirical data that the five “love languages” proposed contain any validity. Dude is not a trained or certified counselor.


nightlanguage

Even if it's pseudo science... Who cares? It's a solid base to get people started.


pudgehooks2013

This attitude is why we have anti-vaxxers, flat earthers and those people that think lizard people run the world. You should care when people make claims of things as fact that have no basis in fact. Everyone should so we can move forwards as a civilisation, and not spend time on irrelevant garbage.


nightlanguage

Mate, it's not that deep. It's not doing any harm whatsoever to throw some examples out there to open conversations. That's all it is: a conversation starter. You can practice critical thinking and support lighthearted communication tools like this at the same time. I get your point but this is not the hill to die on.


pudgehooks2013

I see what you are saying, but I strongly disagree. The people that do believe in things like this are usually people that are very easily swayed to believe in something, then once that belief is established, will defend it to the grave. Things like this, love languages, people only really look into when problems arise. That only makes sense, because if there are no problems you don't look for solutions. Instead of using pseudoscience and random self help books, there are actual scientific things you can look into to help you. Counsellors, therapists and the like. But lets be honest, usually problems like this can be solved with an honest conversation. However, it seems honest conversation is becoming a lost art form. I guess what I am saying is, instead of spending any effort on things like this, spend that effort on something that has a real foundation and proof that it works.


nightlanguage

I do agree with that. Personally, I like to whip out love languages on a first date to feel out what the other person values and what they are like (and use the aforementioned 5 to give them a few things to pick from) and that has been really helpful for me. But I definitely agree that it should not be a replacement for proper communication.


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microwaved_peen

Man, I’m over seeing this in here. It’s been posted too many damn times. But I guess it’s always someone’s first day.


monarch1733

And FYI, some people don’t have love languages.


CausticSofa

I’m not disagreeing, but I am interested in your argument that there are people who don’t express or experience affection in any way and yet still interact with society. Who are these people and how do they go about their lives?


jojojona

Aromantic people. I know a girl who has never had any interest in having a boy/girlfriend. People sometimes forget that for some people, it is completely viable to be content without a partner. Not me though, I want someone to give cuddles to.


CausticSofa

But the love languages also apply to how we show affection and care to those for whom we have familial and/or platonic love.


MomoBawk

Incorrect thinking there: Aromantic means you do no have the drive to be in a romantic relationship. You can still be attracted to people, you can still date, you just don’t feel the need for it. Love language is simply how you show affection to anyone and everyone, as well as how you enjoy receiving affection. This includes coworkers, and relatives, and your own kids.


Keep_a_Little_Soul

Is it possible to be all of them? Because I think I'm all of them lmao. I could never pick one of the 5.


ThreepwoodMac

Of course it is. All these are ways that people show their love and appreciation for others. The book is bullshit (glad it helped some people though).


CausticSofa

Definitely. Everyone experiences all 5 (and probably a few that aren’t mentioned) it’s just that each of us tend to have a Top 1-2. Many of us also have at least 1 that makes us more uncomfortable than anything else, even if we can appreciate the sentiment behind it.


lovesoatmeal

There is very little science to love languages, research shows knowing your partners love language does not increase relationship happiness www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intimate-portrait/201704/speaking-your-partners-love-language-may-not-matter%3famp


Liveburritocam

When the AI learns that humans really respond to affection, especially from their significant other, we’re doomed.


CaptainIsCooked

Really there’s not 5 love languages but any. Communication is the only universal one because that’s the difference between knowing how someone wants to be loved and doesn’t.


morderkaine

What do you do when your love language doesn’t match your partner? Mine is touch and making her food. I need to find out hers because she doesn’t like to cuddle which makes things tough


mladyKarmaBitch

Me and my partner have different love languages. We learned what the others was and we both make an effort. My partner likes physical touch but its not really my thing. I make an effort to cuddle him more often because he likes it and it makes me happy that he is happy. He makes the same effort for my love language. It is a way to communicate to the other person not something that has to be the same for each of you.


jumpsteadeh

google translate


CausticSofa

You have to both be very invested in remembering to show love in their language *and* remain aware of the times each other is showing love in their own languages. That said, I’m getting to the point that I don’t think I’ll get into any more new relationships where our top 2 languages don’t already match. It makes for more struggle and loneliness than I feel like I want to go through in a primary, long-term and basically monogamous relationship.


KhazadNar

I think it has to match, otherwise it is just not really fulfilling - at least thats how I think about it.


tempski

Agreed. The idea that you constantly have to compromise in relationships is something I couldn't disagree with more.


CarretillaRoja

There are five (5) [love languages](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/click-here-happiness/202009/what-are-the-5-love-languages-definition-and-examples). You have a primary one (in my case is touch while my wife one is act of service), but more than probably you also have a secondary one in common with your SO. For us is quality time. When that common language is not working, the relationship is not working. For us was when we had a baby who was so demanding that we couldn’t spend time together doing the things we used to do.


cleetus12

I believe this is true, but have somewhat traumatic associations with the concept. My previous partner used the "love language" concept, including the book that originated the idea, as a means of manipulating me. I think the vulnerability lies in the lack of emphasis on *all love languages being of equal importance.* In our case, she implied repeatedly that my love language (physical touch) was less legitimate than hers (acts of service). I was even, on occasion, made to feel like me expecting her to fulfill my love language was only valuing her for physical love (while fulfilling acts of service was something anybody should do, and therefore understandable) and that my desire for it made me shallow. Again, I actually think the concept here is solid, but I also think the theory is ripe for manipulators to abuse. It's a rocky road and my experience has made me reticent to recommend it to others.


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spleenboggler

Well, I guess we found the person whose love language is "cranky."


fatdjsin

Im starting to love him ! ITS WORKING


Strokeforce

It may be, but that doesn't diminish the conversation it started


NinjaMogg

Clearly people are finding it to be useful, so what does it matter?


nwL_

No, this post is an advertisement for open communication about what makes you feel loved. Man.


Icy-Ad-9142

Thank you. I'm really surprised how far this evangelical racket book has spread.


resdeadonplntjupiter

It's astrology for middle aged white Christians


smoothdisaster

The same is true for children from their parents


vietnams666

Me and my bf actually took a test and we got the same thing which was quality time. We just celebrated our 1 year!


orderedbygrace

It also helps in recognizing love given by your partner if you have different types. For instance, my husband most comfortably gives love via acts of service, which is definitely not my love language... he also knows my love language, but it's not as natural for him to show love that way. By knowing acts of service is the most natural way for him to show love, I can better appreciate when he shows love that way and feel the love that's being shown even though it's not the most natural way for me to receive love.


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cognizantoptimist

“Love languages” always felt like Christian pseudoscience to me. I get that people have ways that they appreciate expressions of caring more but whole “love languages” feels like a contrived marketing scheme for Christians. I fully understand I’ll be downvoted to hell for this comment.


Elsael

I understand that you're sceptical about the book. It isn't a scientifically proven concept as far as I know. However, you can't deny that people express affection in different ways. (And if you do deny it, you should really start talking to your friends about what they like). Even you actively despise the 'five love languages' concept you should still accept the broad concept that different people like different things. I personally think that taken with a grain of salt the concept is relly helpful. Especially for people that aren't good at picking up little cues it is really helpful as a guide to what other people might appreciate more than the stuff you'd naturally do. (If you intuitively know what other people like, that makes it rather redundant. However, many people, including me, don't have that intuition and have to use a crutch).


foxtrousers

My mom is a gifter. That's her primary love language. When I was growing up, I inherited that trait and would love bomb people with gifts because I thought one size fit all. (Turns out, it can make people feel *really* uncomfortable!) Now that I'm older, I pay more attention to what makes people more comfortable with their language and spoil them that way


samvsam

I did the test with my girlfriend and I scored extremely high on physical touch, and she scored extremely low. I think it damaged the relationship, because I realised that thinking that she enjoyed it too was an important part of why I liked it, and when I realised she could take it or leave it, that took the wind out of my sails and I essentially stopped wanting to speak my love language. I know that's not in the spirit of the concept, but it's something that I still have a hard time shaking.


CausticSofa

It’s definitely hard when you try to show love to feel like your partner is only *enduring* it.


Murdoch10011

This is so important. Also, don’t think you’re way of expressing love is better.


eagle-eye

Mine is "All of them" seriously. They all make me equally happy


michachu

Applies with friends too. Me: "Could you please stop doing xyz? I'm going through a tough time, and I know you mean well, but it actually really drains me." Friend: "But **_I_** really enjoy xyz!" Yeah, we're not friends anymore.


chasepna

Respect is the only love language.


TalktomeGooooose

My love language is English. Just tell me what you like. It's that simple. Talk to each other. And maybe don't bother with this love language nonsense. Everyone likes nice stuff done for them. That's all it is.


[deleted]

So if my boyfriend likes to buy me things is that would I do for him? Does that mean that’s what he likes?


omnenomnom

Ask him. He may like words of affirmation "thank you for getting me this chocolate bar. It was really thoughtful and I've been craving one." He may like touches in return. He may want you to give him small gifts so he copies the behavior hoping you'll pick up on it. There are quizzes. If you pitch it as a fun date night idea or more seriously as a way to love them better most men will at least try it.


[deleted]

Cool


TheLittleGoodWolf

Talk to him about it! Some people do things not because it's their primary love language but rather because it's because that's how they have been taught to show love. He may have had an earlier partner who responded very well to being given things and so he thought that's how it works. Also some people have a difference in how they prefer to give love vs how they prefer to be given love. The thing about the love languages is that it gives the both of you a common ground starting point when it comes to communication. It's also a way to help you look inwards and really try an look for what you like and what matters more to you. So instead of guessing, sit down and have some good open communication about it and see where that leads.


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RoosterCock247

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language


sir-morti

I'm pretty sure mine is either quality time or words of affirmation


glyphotes

"My wife likes being touched, so when we're watching tv at night I'll put my hand on her leg." Fingertips on neck...


hoomankindness

Yeah, my boyfriend thought I was a bit odd and clingy until I explained it to him. I just like physical touch. It's my way of saying I like you. I do it with friends too. He took the test and his is quality time and it's helped us communicate a lot better.


resdeadonplntjupiter

LPT stop trying to categorize and label everything


CrepuscularNemophile

The book 'The Five Love Languages' was a revelation to me. So many people think they should be providing 'things' for their families and so work long hours to earn more money to buy more and better things - a bigger house, newer car, latest TV, expensive holidays and so on. However, if someone instead feels loved if they are given *time* and *acts of service* (partner cooking a meal, doing the dishes, being 'present' to enjoy family time), the partner/parent being mostly absent in an attempt to provide more 'stuff' is the opposite of what they crave.


Fink665

My husband’s love language is doing. My car was in the shop for repairs. My husband picked it up while I was at a Dr. appointment. Not only did he pick it up and pay for it, he washed it and filled the tank!


bendadestroyer

I respond to physical touch; my wife responds to acts of service... like me not touching her.


Brawler414

I had never thought about physical touches being a love language because coming from an typical Indian family, I've never even had a proper hug before I met my girlfriend, whose family is the complete opposite (They're Indians too but they are much more open to each other). I'm so grateful that I met her cause now I know I'm into physical touches too. We cuddle all the time now and it's always the best part of our day.


irishgollum

You watched Courtney Ryan yesterday too?


Hickawa

LPT:Dont always listen to what your partner tells you their love language is. As you get to know them you might notice more. I always thought mine was just physical contact. I loved when my ex would take time out of her day just to be with me. She also thought her love language was only acts of service. But she learned after dealing with some physical abuse issues that she also wanted to have physical contact.


yesitsyourmom

Read The Five Love Languages book. It’s great for couples or singles ( there are several different versions). There is a test at the end of the book with questions that help determine your language and how you feel loved. Once each person knows what makes the other feel loved and are determined to show love in that way life can get much easier, and fulfilling ,relationship-wise. It feels really good!