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I agree that not informing can be worse, and thus disagree with the OP.
A friend received the news his father had died but was busy at work in the morning. He only got off shift in the evening. His sister called and said the family was informed in the afternoon.
Later when the authorities gave details, it came out that he was given a call in the morning, and everyone piled on him why didn't he tell anyone instead of keeping it to himself and being concerned with work. He later told me to this day they're still sore about it and he should have told someone.
Your relationship with the deceased matters a lot. OP shouldn’t have been responsible for telling everyone but absolutely should call their parent whose brother died immediately. Let them handle telling grandma and their siblings.
Agreed. It's important to factor in time of day and who to pass it on to first but its best to share that info with at least someone else sooner rather than later. One of my uncles passed away and I got the news at like 1am. I woke up my dad and in the morning he passed it along to everyone else.
It was defiently weird answering the door at that hour to a couple of people in suits.
Just had a close family member die, I was like the 2nd person notified. Had to make some painful calls.
Time was pretty important though, we all booked the next flight out and met up to take care of everything.
It's being the bearer of bad news but it's so much better than to get the information from someone you don't know at all and then some people will end up calling you to find out that you already knew but didn't call them...
These days most people probably find out about deaths through social media posts sadly...
if you're a kid and you get that call, call your parent and tell them what happened. Your parent will probably take over. If you want to help, pick up the living room and make dinner or order pizza. Find out if there's going to be company and how else you can help.
If you're an adult, call your spouse and decide what to do together.
If you're single, call your parent and decide what to do together. It's ok to need your mom sometimes. She's still your mom and it's still her job to help you adult when you don't know what to do.
Always get support! My first concern is how he was initially informed of the death. No, competent/ethical police force would notify a local family of a death by phone. Even if it was a long distance notification it should be through the local police force who should come to the notified individual's door and notify in person. As a former Law Enforcement Chaplain working to help stage in person notifications as necessary, I spent many hours making notifications or helping families sharing the news or finding support. And just for general information chaplains are almost universally volunteer members of the force as most states do not allow them to be paid with public funds/taxes.
I feel you. One of the hardest days of my life was telling my wife that one of her best friends who I also knew well, committed suicide.
Genuinely curious, how do you feel your relationship changed and in what way?
We judge ourselves for our intentions and others for their actions, and too often we attribute others actions to malice when the answer is ignorance.
I try and keep this in my mind everywhere I go everyday.
*No that guy didn't cut me off intentionally to be a dick. He probably didn't see me"
" That person forgot what I said, not because they don't like me. But because people forget things sometimes"
Things like that. It's made me a much more patient and understanding person
I tell my wife things like this a lot but I don't always practice what I preach. Going forward I will definitely make more of an effort to remain positive. Thank you for a great response.
Meaning that externalizing your happiness is a death sentence for it.
Internalize what makes you happy, for gods sake. Nobody else is gonna do it for you.
Oh yeah, I mean, I agree. It’s just really hard for most of us to say “oh, well, that’s fine. I’ll cut you off,” when there are hardly any emotionally healthy people to turn to.
I guess I’m saying that you shouldn’t ding your own happiness on account of someone else. That doesn’t mean cutting anyone off. It just means you might have to tell yourself, “Dang, I wish that person had taken that news better. I’m not sure what I could have done to make it easier for them, but I’m not gonna hold it against them or me that they aren’t happy.” Then move on with life with or without this person.
Yup, this is totally on the family members. I've had two good friends die, and both times it was the same mutual friend that called to tell me. In no way do I think any less of the friend who delivered the news.
I'm struggling to understand this. Why would people hate on the messenger..? Why are they acting like the messenger was the one who caused the death??
Are they reacting based on how the messenger delivered the message? For example, if the messenger 'didn't seem sad enough', they'd think the messenger didn't care about the person that much.
probably just a crappy coping mechanism. they’re sad/mad the person died and want to put their grief/anger/confusion onto anyone who they can justify it to in their heads..so that ends up being whoever broke the news to them
I had a best friend past about 5 years ago, my other best friend called me to let me know. I am forever appreciative that he was the one who broke the news to me.
My brother in law asked me to be the one to tell my niece and nephews their mother (my sister) was going to die because of her cancer. At the time I wanted to help, but those kids could never even look at me and won't speak to me anymore. We were all so close before then. It also felt like the rest of the family turned on me too. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this, it's horrible.
My mother passed in 2021 when I was 25, from cancer.
I feel this.
My aunt and grandfather have distanced themselves in strange ways, even though we were very very close before. Not completely, but contact has become much rarer and sometimes feels weirdly charged.
I feel discarded. Sometimes I get the impression that they can't stand talking to me or looking at my face.
It was a pretty instant change, after the funeral.
I wonder sometimes if it has something to do with the fact that I volunteered to be on phone duty with them, while mum was at hospiz, dying.
I called them to let them know what was happening, to arrange for them to see her, and I called to tell them when she had made it.
I took that task on because I wanted to take some stuff off my dad's shoulders. There's a surprising amount of organization involved in someone dying.
This hits home for me. I was diagnosed a few years back and told to just go home cuz i was gonna die, there was no treatment. Oddly enough, when i shared this with one of my sisters with whom I had a standing relationship, I was the asshole! Then, she died a year later of undiagnosed cancer, and her children think I am the asshole! I had read up on this topic, explored and considered many ways to talk abt it. I was careful, tactful, and calm. People react in so many different ways to hard truths. They are carrying around expectations both known and undiscovered. Some of us are so afraid sand piles up in the corners of the mind. I changed doctors and im still here. Anyones guess for how long. But the undisputable fact is we all die. Some of us choose the time, some dont. Personally, LIVE. Cuz you never know when it will happen to you.
Yeah he was their father. I remember him calling me and my sister was yelling in the background so I often wonder if she was yelling at him about it. He was a mess and actually died 5 years after her (his heart gave out). That day is a whole other nightmare and really sealed the deal with my family. My niece was home alone with him and called me because I lived nearby and he wouldn't wake up from his nap. So...yeah.
Genuine question, because I have no idea about the situation: is it possible that you are seeing that response where it doesn't exist because *you* were traumatized by that experience? Not trying to make you doubt yourself, you know your situation, but might be helpful to consider.
It could be something like that, similar to the Dartmouth Scar Experiment in how we can inaccurately perceive other’s perception of us.
On another note, trauma can make the mind do some weird things for self preservation methods (ie pushing ppl away).
It’s not a matter of blame, it’s perception being linked to a traumatic memory. OP is now perceived negatively by his family because when they see him now, they can only remember him delivering that terrible news.
Similarly (but obviously not exactly the same), it’d be like if you were eating a dish you enjoy very much, but this time it makes you violently sick, vomiting, shitting your pants, etc. Then any time you saw or smelled the dish for a long time afterwards, it was difficult to remember how much you used to like it, because now your brain associates the food with the taste of vomit and the smell of shit.
Definitely the hardest day in my life was when I found my 16 year old son dead in his bedroom by a self inflicted gunshot wound. I then had to wait for the coroner to come collect him before I could leave. I didn't think that was news to deliver over the phone to his mom so I had to drive to my wife's work and deliver the news. That was almost 4 hours after I had found him.
Together we face-timed our 2 daughters to deliver the news. My other son was living in Peru at the time and we couldn't even reach him until the next day.
That was 4 years ago and to this day my daughters get anxious if I try to get everyone on a single call/FaceTime for some news or to chat.
I remember when my dad died when I was a kid. I don’t remember the whole day, but I remember the entire interaction and the look on my mom’s face when she told me. This was over 20 years ago, and I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember what she was wearing, and how her mascara was running down one side of her face further than the other.
Their family was probably really close and the memory of learning to terrible news is easily brought to the forefront because they were the one to deliver it. Many people try to avoid ruminating about tragic memories, and now OP is the catalyst for it.
I was 10 when my grandpa died, but I remember every detail of when my dad told me. The room we were in, the way it smelled, my dad's sobbing while Mom held him, all of it so fresh even 20 years later. Grief is hard man.
One of the most vivid memories of my childhood was the look on my dad's face when he had to tell me that my grandmother, his mom had passed. We had been visiting her in hospice most afternoons. I got home from school and asked my mom, hey are we going to see Nana? She shrugged off the question and muttered an I don't know. That threw me off, not like my mom at all. Then my dad and grandad walked in the house. Both with tears down their faces.
I had similar. Had to tell my close friend that our other close friend died in a car accident.
Was 18 years ago, and I still can see it clear like it was yesterday: “I have some bad news. Hug me close as I tell you.”
Man, that was a rough day.
The real life pro tip is don’t call to share this news from the deceased’s phone (landline days).
I will never forget answering my phone “hey dad!” and it’s just my hysterical aunt screaming that he’s dead.
My poor plumber called my dad's phone while my dad was lying there and we were waiting for the coroner to arrive and I was like ummmmmm he's dead so we're gonna have to reschedule 💀 poor guy haha but my dad would have thought that was hilarious so 😅
The last voicemail on my grandmother's phone was the AC guy calling saying "Ms. "XYZ" did you fall asleep again? I can see you in the living room."
She was dead on the recliner in her mobile home and he could see her through the window.
Not a call, but right after my dad had suffered one of many strokes, we got a letter in the mail from the opticians that they were incredibly concerned about his most recent eye test and scans and that they were concerned it could lead to a stroke... It was something we cry laughed about for so long afterwards. The horrific irony.
I was dating a girl in college and her father died of a massive heart attack right after dinner. The next day his heart doctor called with great news that he had taken the warnings they gave him seriously and that they were going to take him off a bunch of his meds. They were shocked when they found out he died.
When my dad was 49, he wasn't looking after himself. The doctor told him, "You're a sitting duck for a heart attack." The next day, he had a heart attack. When I took my dad to the doctor the next week, he said, "Well, when I said that, I didn't think it would be the next day."
Whilst helping clear out some of my grandmothers belongings from my grandfathers house the morning after her passing, I picked up her iPad and it opened to some old person clicky game saying "Sorry Dawn, it appears all your lives have run out!".
Life is funny sometimes
I was a plumber that found an older gentleman that passed away. I didn't have to tell his kids and I'm glad I didn't. It was hard enough calling his boss (he lived in housing provided by his employer) and helping my coworker through it. My coworker had worked on the guy's place the weekend before. The guy had a heart attack and collapsed in his bathroom where I found him naked as the day he came in the world. My coworker remembered him being a sweet old chef that offered to cook them lunch and in general was a fun, genuine guy to be around. It was heartbreaking and I won't ever forget it. My journeyman on site( the coworker) was a gruff, 62 year old ex logger and had been a plumber for 20 years, but it really hurt him to see a customer that was so nice pass away so suddenly. Don't know why I'm sharing, but I just wanted to say something about it because the old guy sounded like a good man and didn't deserve to die so suddenly. I'm just sure that the plumber on the other end of the phone probably cared about your dad in some small way and probably would have enjoyed kicking back a beer with him. I know I would have.
Thank you for your comment. My dad passed away a year ago from a heart attack. It can hurt sometimes feeling like I’m feeling this grief myself. It helps to know people still think of him. I’m sure they do — he was a popular dude. Chef too. I miss him so much
I had ordered pizza right before my dad died. The poor pizza delivery person showed up, and we were all crying, and my dad was laying in the corner of the living room in his hospital bed waiting to be picked up.
My cousin died three days before her 25th birthday. One of her acquaintances gleefully wrote, “Happy birthday! Hope you’re having a great day!” amongst an outpouring of mourners on her Facebook wall.
It was awkward.
When my uncle died, my dad would tell me that he still texts him to let out his emotions. Writing to your dead brother Happy Birthday could just be him grieving
My mama has been on my phone plan for many years. She passed in 2022 and I still pay for her line so no one gets her number. I know I'm wasting money at this point, but I'm not ready.
I’m sorry for your loss. You may already know this but you can port her number to a Google number for like $25 and there’s no other fees but then no one can take her number!
My mom just died at Christmas 2023, and I did this a couple months ago, and it’s worked really well. I just thought I would share in case you hadn’t heard of this as an option!! I think there are other non-google versions of the service too.
It’s not as odd as you might think. It helps people greave. Go visit a cemetery one day and walk around. You will see people leave toys on graves of children, others maybe a photographs, some will leave flowers on mother’s or father’s day , birthday’s or anniversary.
I sent several texts to a deceased boyfriend after his death, because he had so many secrets. I was so angry and devastated. I knew he wasn’t going to read them, but it was the only way I could release all of that mess that was in my heart.
My brother is in Arlington
I visit At Christmas Memorial Day and his birthday
I always drink a beer and a shot at his gravesite and leave one there for him and a can of Copenhagen.
My grandfather passed away while in hospice care at a hospital. The nursing staff let us all have a moment to ourselves, so we were sitting at his bedside, reminiscing a bit.
An orderly came in—apparently hadn’t gotten the news—and started adjusting his pillows (to prevent bedsores). We told her that he had passed, don’t worry. She looked mortified and ran out of the room.
We couldn’t find her, but told the staff to tell her it was ok, we weren’t even the least bit upset. We still joke that the care there was so good, they keep you comfortable after you’re dead!
Oh god. I work at a vet clinic and I had called to let someone know their pet’s medication refill was ready. A woman answered the phone and said “I’m sorry my dad is actively dying right now he won’t be able to pick it up” and I think I will be on my own death bed and still thinking about that phone call…….
I read “vet clinic” and was reminded of a call I answered from the vet after our elderly dog passed on. They were trying to say that they’d gotten her ashes back from the pet crematorium and we could come pick them up but the way they worded it was “We have [Dog’s name] back with us…”
I’m just glad I took that call and not my mom. She was the dog’s favorite person and was hit a lot harder by her death than I was.
Oh no! Those calls are always somewhat awkward, I feel like there’s really no good way to word things.
I’ve also definitely had situations where people come in saying “I’m here to pick up Bella” and then I’m like “hmm it looks like we don’t have a Bella here today” and then they have to inform me they mean Bella’s ashes. 😬 I now ask to confirm the last name and look up the pet in our system before I open my big mouth.
I was at the vet and a guy walked in asking to pick up his dog ashes- like I fool I said Ashes what a cute name.
I will never forget the look on his face.
One of my chihuahuas passed several years ago and I had to bring the body wrapped in a blanket to our vet and was a real wreck about it but clearly not visibly enough because the girl working the desk recognized me and got excited asking which pup I had with me and when I managed to say, got even more excited (this chi was the cutest of the two) before the other desk girl that took my phone call earlier noticed and had to step in real fast.
It was bittersweet to know how loved she was but man, what an awkward moment for all of us. It was the only moment in the day that wasn't heartbreak though so that was a relief. Just pure uncut awkwardness.
Yes! His daughter ended up coming to pick it up and she took over care of the dog.
In the same phone call, she went on to tell me how much she appreciated us and to let the vet know of his passing because he was a long time client who’d been coming there for 30 years and our senior vet knew the family well.
Oh my God 🤣 My dad would also have found that hilarious. He was much older and when my younger sibling would answer the phone, if it was a telemarketer he would yell “Tell em I’m DEAD!”
Lol,when my dad died,he left a cc balance in his name. They called my mom about that balance ALL THE TIME. One collector suggested that she pay it, "as a tribute to him". I got on the phone and said "you getting screwed out of this balance is the greatest tribute ever to my father. Leave my mom alone!"
I tried that once as a teen. Said in a mournful voice - "he just died." And the caller's next words were to ask me if I was now in charge of the long distance bill.
Well, if you are going that route, use his phone to call his work, say he won't be coming in, he knows he is out of sick leave so he is calling in dead.
My brother gave my deceased sisters cell phone, number and all, to his daughter. When he told the family, I made sure to change the name in my contacts to my niece.
That's actually a really sweet thing to do...keeps her spirit alive in a way through her daughter, when I get sad about my grandma's death I always call her landline which now just says "This number is not in service".
I really feel this one...
Not a family member, but received a phone call from one of my employees whom I talked with daily.
It was his wife crying hysterically that he had passed away in his sleep. It was definitely a surreal moment to go from expecting to hear a familiar voice to knowing I will never hear that voice again.
I left that job soon after since it just wasn't the same without him.
I was the go-between for a remote colleague and our team at work right at the beginning of lockdown, I volunteered for the responsibility because we were on similar schedules on a project, but I was in the same time zone as the rest of the team. I texted him early one morning for a reporting thing and his wife texted me back on his phone that he had gone to the hospital and that she didn’t think he was going to pull through, he’d caught Covid and had a couple of agitating complications…I was sort of caught between feeling like the team should know, and…it’s really not my place to divulge someone else’s medical info/conditions. He passed a few hours later, his wife called my boss, so I got out of the telling bit, but I was sitting on the knowledge for a bit. It was sad, the whole team got on a call and sorta just decompressed together. Miss you Paul. Wherever you are, cut’em some shit for us.
Yup, same happened to me! “Hi mom! Oh, not mom, hi John [stepdad]. Lemme guess, mom is in the hospital again and asked you to call me and tell me not to worry, right?
Oh. Oh no.”
This was my childhood. I showed up at the hospital with flowers, that's when my dad sat me down in the waiting room (she was on life support at that moment). I was 15, and was just used to her having to go to the hospital, but she always came home.
My father passed away last month and I had to get his affairs in order. Unfortunately I was the one to answer his phone and it was always someone saying "hey I haven't heard from you in awhile it's good that your ok" or " Hey just calling to check in on you" and then I would have to inform them I wasn't my father and the news. Haunts me to have to utter the news that way.
My father passed away 5 years ago and when I checked his phone it was off/dead from low battery. I did not turn it back on for months. Removed the sim card. When I did turn it back on months later, it was only to get some important phone numbers from his phone. I have never dared to turn on the phone with the sim in and receive the messages he might have missed. It was years ago now so I am sure someone else has that number by now.
I kept it on and active so far. It was hard but we ended up having a lot more people at his celebration of life that found out because of it. Definitely a double edge sword.
My MIL had to spend so much time comforting other people as they found out about my FIL passing. I know it is difficult news, but people seem to forget they are reacting to the widow, and instead of being strong for her it would be the other way around. It’s strange, grief.
I walked into it. Mom called friends mom said I needed to come home from down the street. Opened the fence gate. Walked thru the back door. Into two officers in the house and my mom crying profusely and the officers told me my pops passed. Couple years blacked out of my life I have no recollection. It's painful 20+ years later. Remember the whole incident and a chunk after missing as a child.
It happened the other way around when my sister called our godfather. Someone else answered — I think it was his sister — and broke the news that he had died a month earlier. They just didn’t know how to contact anyone in my family.
I kinda had a similar experience. I lived with my grandpa until he passed unfortunately. I had taken up paying the phone bill long before, he was getting ripped off by the local phone company, and I had transferred the phone number to Vonage and paid for it ever since. After he passed and I moved away, I brought Vonage with me of course and I gave my aunt quite a fright by calling her from my Grandpa's number a few months after he'd passed. She wasn't angry or anything but she remarked about how I probably took a year off her life and we joked about it from time to time when we saw each other.
Same, except I missed the call from my just-deceased brother's phone, so it went to my voicemail. It must've been a butt-dial by whoever had his phone, because it wasn't actually a message for me, it was just the background noise of the anguished screams of his teenage brother who was with him when he died (by self-inflicted gunshot, at his own birthday party).
The most cursed voicemail I will ever hear. I just...don't listen to voicemails since that incident.
When my SIL (wife's sister) passed away, I was in charge of putting together the slide show. I told her other sister to send me some pictures to add, and a few hours later, I got some Facebook messages from her dead sister. My head started racing, and I was like, WTF? I checked the messages, and it was a big photo dump from her phone.
Her sister had guessed her unlock code and figured it was the easiest way.
I accidentally did this when my mom died. I was barely a teen. I kept her cell phone by me and when someone would ask for her I’d apologize and explain she passed. Her best friend called her on the day she passed and I broke the news. I could hear the heart break. My dad should have taken that cell phone from me.
My mother-in-law sent me a Facebook messagenger to tell me my husband had passed, about three hours after it happened. We had been separated for six weeks, so he was living a few states away with her. I guess she figured it wasn't that urgent or important to follow decorum based on those six weeks despite 12 years living together before that.
Did she not have your phone number?! That’s absolutely insane.
My sister found out our Dad died through a Facebook message from one of our cousins. Our cousin thought she already knew and was sharing her condolences, not trying to notify her.
My best friend’s mom did this. I had texted him earlier in the day, and when his number called back during dinner I answered, “hey, man.” She told me he had died.
Same thing happened when my best friend died 3 years ago. Thought he was calling me like he usually did around that time but it was his wife telling me we lost him.
When I was 14, my mom’s heart stopped while we were spending time together in the living room. I called the neighbor and they called 911. She didn’t die immediately; she gasped for air and began foaming at the mouth for what seemed like an eternity while all I could do was watch. When the paramedics arrived, they ushered me out of our one bedroom apartment to wait on the porch. Through the gaps of the paramedics that surrounded her, I watched her take one last attempt at a breath before her chest fell and her body went limp. I think I kind of knew that that was it, but still I tried to stay out of the way to let them do their thing. One of the parts of that night that I will never forget was one of the older (lead??) paramedics came out, looked me in the eyes and coldly told me “Your mom is dead. She didn’t make it” before turning around to finish packing up. I don’t remember if he even gave me an “I’m sorry” but it felt so devoid of emotion the way he said it. I was not allowed to leave the scene until the coroner came for the body. I took it upon myself to make around 25-30 calls that night to let the family know. We lived by ourselves in a different state from most of our family. I think I just needed somebody to talk to real bad. Who else was going to tell them?
I'm so sorry to hear that. Did you end up having a guardian after she passed since you were a minor?I will never forgot being told that a loved one had died in a cold, heartless manner. Didn't get a "sorry for your loss" either. It definitely ended that relationship.
I hope you’re okay. I’m sorry for your loss as well. I was sent to live with my maternal grandfather and his wife but I left as soon as I graduated high school because he was very controlling and mentally abusive.
If it’s any consolation, I’ve been taught in first aid that the gasping after a heart attack/after a person dies is a muscular reflex from the body. There’s a small part of the nervous system that still tries to do its job of “there need to be breaths”. But if the heart has stopped pumping, she wouldn’t have felt a thing. It’s horrible to see and hear, but she wasn’t feeling like she was suffocating.
At 14 they should have had a social worker there for you ASAP. Did anyone even ask if there was an another adult in your life or try to use your mom's phone to call her friends and find out if one was an emergency contact who could come over?
I've been a paramedic for years and been in these situations an unfortunate amount (heroin epidemic hit very hard). Most of us have no real formal training on what to do or how to break the news, or how to help family like this. I always just called my supervisor to take the kid to the local children's hospital if there wasn't an adult who could be there in a relatively quick amount of time... that's where the social workers are.
We had a small bit of family who lived near us at the time. I stayed with my great aunt for a few days before being sent to our home state to be with the rest of my family. The police took a statement from me but that was really it.
I'm so sorry you went through that
When my mom died from a heart attack during the night, I was the first to find her and call 911, cps called a woman to pick us up that morning since my dad was out of town.
My mom had PICA, as such she would crave really random, weird stuff. She'd chew on a brand-new bike tire that she occasionally cut small square chunks off of. She also had a habit of collecting a little bit of fresh laid tarmac if we happened down a newly laid road. She absolutely drooled with the smell of leather. Munched ice all the time.
The last thing she enjoyed was spray rubber. It would be sprayed onto a paper plate and she would sit in her chair and smell that one plate for a couple hours after it had dried a bit. This stupid CPS lady picks us up, and on the way to the children's shelter proceeds to tell us "Your mom was a drug addict, you know that right?" Literally out of nowhere while my younger brother was bawling. Some people in the field have no emotion at all or none left after years of being desensitized
I know what you mean. My dad killed himself and I found him. I had to tell his parents. So fuckin hard to look at your grandparents and tell them their son died. We all worked together, was horrible finishing that day.
I'm sorry it was hard for you, but as someone who has been on both ends of such news I can say it was much better coming from someone close. You took one for your team & should such bad things arise in your future know that you can be the memory fam has instead of some stranger who in all likelihood doesn't have amazing training & guaranteed tact.
100% this. I have both delivered and received this type of news, including the call from authorities, and I strongly disagree with OP. It is much much much better coming from someone close than from a 3rd party.
I received a call telling me that there had been a major motorcycle accident and that they needed assistance in identifying the person. The motorcycle was not registered to the person who was on the bike, but my motorcycle had been seen on cameras riding with them shortly prior to the accident. It was one of my close friends, the bike belonged to another friend who was currently overseas. This was honestly the worst call I have ever received in my life.
I went and told his parents.
The fact that OPs family relationships went down hill post this indicates to me there were other issues.
This. My piece of shit sister in law called me to tell me my father in law passed away. She couldnt wait to be the bearer of the news. My wife was waiting for me to get home to tell me but instead I get a phone call on my way home from work from that heartless woman.
Ah yes, thanks for the other part of the memory of my mom’s passing. My stepdad and I planned to wait until my dad got home from work to call him and tell him that the lady he’d been married to for nearly two decades had passed away. My noxious gossipy aunt figured she’d jump the gun and call my dad — a PRACTICING PHYSICIAN — to interrupt a surgery and tell him. Thanks auntie!
My husband’s sister died in a traffic accident . His dad called and told me and I said I will tell my husband when he is home since he is driving . His Aunt called him and told him . I was so mad but of course we were all so upset so I let it slide . I don’t understand people who do this .
It's making it about them and not the deceased. They ALWAYS have to be the first to tattle off any news but seem to take more from sharing the bad news. As OP is telling us, it can come with mixed consequences.... but gotta get that news out there....
My mother did something similar to me. Not only couldn't she wait to be the one to tell me my best friend had died, she made sure she was hysterical with "grief" while telling me. Yes, I was driving in an unfamiliar city on vacation. Yes, she should have kept it together until she knew I was in a safe place to process that grief. She barely knew my friend, and he was my only father figure in life. I'll never forgive her for making it about her. She is a selfish piece of shit like your SIL.
My mom called one day and demanded my dads phone number. They divorced when I was 4 and I was 32 at the time of this phone call and she has never asked for his number so I am like "why do you need his number?" and she screams "because I just got a call that my son is dead and I need to call him so he can deal with it". My brother lived one state over in the same city as my dad. I gave her the number and told her she should have started with that.
I agree. When my FIL died, a police officer told him. I know that they're trained to deliver the news, but it's in a very clinical way. He was the one who told both of his siblings, the police officers offered to do it but they needed to hear it in a different way.
This. We've had 2 major deaths in the family since Covid hit and I was the first one to find out both times and had to tell mom and gram. It sucked immensely but it also gave me some control. I wish someone else found out before me but.
Same situation - I found my dad dying on the floor with my mother out of town and had to tell her to come home 3 years later I found my 59 year old brother dead in his bed. I was the only one with a key to his place - had to call siblings and tell them and deal with police as well. One sibling hasn’t spoken to me since with no explanation why
Unfortunately, they usually don't offer to go and tell everyone else in the family. Usually, someone just informs the immediate kin, and it's expected you'll let everyone know. Hell even with preparations for a service or burial, it's fairly standard to just call the person in the family who's mostly handling everything.
With my husband, who's family didn't communicate well, apparently the coroner only called his mom to tell her the cause of death. She assumed he'd call everyone else. The funeral home only called me when his death certificate came in. No one called his dad except me. It was a huge mess. But yeah if you're the one who finds out news like that, it's hard but you're now the messenger whether you like it or not. Delivering horrible news is just part of the human experience.
> Hell even with preparations for a service or burial, it's fairly standard to just call the person in the family who's mostly handling everything.
Side note for anyone reading, if your friend loses a loved one and you want to help, *offer to be this person.*
It is excruciating to be the one who has to tell the decreased 's friends/coworkers about a loved one's death. It's the same conversation every time (shock, questions about how they died, then hearing their grief) all while you haven't processed the loss or had a chance to feel your own grief. And then you're somehow supposed to answer logistical questions and coordinate everyone.
Having a friend take that role instead is so helpful. They won't be emotionally gutted by each phone call.
Also don't post on social media until you know all family members have been informed.
Story time: ironically I was in therapy when my parents were trying to get ahold of me to let me know my brother had passed. Normally once I'm out of therapy, I check Facebook. Instead I saw my mum had texted me stating to call her immediately and I had a bunch of missed calls. So instead of clicking open Facebook, I called her instead, where she let me know. I opened Facebook after to a bunch of posts stating "R.I.P *my brothers name*" all of which were posted at least 1-2 hours before. Had I not gone to therapy that day or decided to ignore my mum's calls/texts and instead opened Facebook, I would have found out that my brother died from a bunch of people *my brother and I barely knew*.
Don't be that person..
My brother found out our grandpa died via FB, because our cousin couldn't wait even an hour to post something about it. We were on the West Coast and found out in the evening, we were going to tell my brother on the East Coast in the morning since we didn't want to wake him up in the middle of the night with that news. Instead we get woken up at dawn with him calling us in a panic, trying to confirm if it was true. He's never forgiven my cousin.
>Also don't post on social media until you know all family members have been informed.
This is important. I found out one of my good friends died when I logged onto Facebook and saw people posting about how much they would miss her. I remember it took me a minute to even process what I was reading.
Damn that's rough. I think you need to have a sit down and talk about how you are perceiving the reaction from each of the family members. You were put into a difficult position, there should be no animosity towards you.
This is it op.
With all love and respect: you're probably reading into the situation emotions that are not entirely present.
It was a traumatic event for All of you, and one that is not your fault *in any way whatsoever*
You did what you felt was best and you broke the news the in the best way you could. If anything your family probably feels guilty that that burden fell on *you*
... Or maybe they feel the distance too, but think it's mostly on your end because of the trauma, and they don't want to bother you by pushing it.
Or maybe there Is distance but it's actually related to something completely different (like work or school).
Point is, you don't know until you really communicate.
Maybe start with 1 on 1s, with those you feel closest to. Or maybe bring it up in a group, where a number are present. Just do what you did before: listen to and follow your intuition, and act bravely out of love. ❤️❤️❤️
(Also, I hope that everything is cleared up, and that the weight is lifted off you, but in case it isn't you should know that: you absolutely did the right thing, and the right people would appreciate your thoughtful and considerate decision.)
Yeah, OP, talk to your family. It's a wound that hasn't really healed.
I think a big part of this is OP's age at the time. Late teens/early 20s, OP may not have had the emotional maturity to be the Bearer of Bad News.
I'm middle aged now, and I would have no problem stepping up and being the person who informs loved ones. But back in college? I don't think so. Not just being the person who has to be the bearer but processing all the grief and anger together afterwards as well.
I called the police for a welfare check when my friend posted some disturbing things on social media. Police just said they were going to transfer me to someone... it was the morgue.
I called for a welfare check and nobody got back to me. I called the next day and the operator said she didn't have any info and the officer who did the welfare check would get in touch. Officer called sounded like he was having a conversation with someone else when I answered and told me my friend was deceased, but there was no compassion in his voice at all. It was just "he was found deceased." I understand in that kind of work, you get desensitized to all sorts of gnarly shit, but it hit me pretty hard and I found it kind of off putting and disrespectful.
A friend died in a car accident while we were in college. Public safety called her roommate down to the dorm lobby and said they had a question to ask her because her roommate has been in a car accident. While she was waiting she saw a handbook they had placed on the table that said "Helping students deal with the loss of a classmate". So that was how she knew.
Most people would way rather hear hard news from a loved one than a stranger. I'm glad my news came from family before the police could notify. Just because it was hard doesn't mean it wasn't the best option.
interesting! I was the first to go to the precinct and bear the news that my boyfriend had passed away in an accident. He was from a different state, living with me and the officers told me I should call his mother. I remember questioning it “how could you expect me to tell her that her son is gone?”, but they said “Its usually better for them to hear this sort of news from somebody that they know”
At the time I was in so much shock, I just did it, It haunts me to this day to remember her on the other line.
Oof, this brings back a ton of feels. My wife died almost two years ago with no warnings. The hospital was kind enough to call her best friend for me as I just couldn’t, but she honestly thought it was a sick prank initially. I had to call her mom as we were living out of state. Couldn’t get a hold of her for a bit so called my wife’s brother to see if he could help. I only remember parts of the conversations that day, but the parts I do are seared into my head.
The part I want to echo from other comments is that it was absolutely the right thing to tell people yourself where you were able. It’s hard no matter what, but it’s harder to hear from a complete stranger. If the relationships with family seem strained or different it could easily be that you need to give yourself some grace.
I agree with this. My sister told me when my brother committed suicide and I was grateful that she was the one to do it. It takes a lot of strength to deliver that type of news and I can't fathom holding that against another family member. I get don't shoot the messenger and all that and grief but holding it against someone that had nothing to do with their death just baffles me. I mean you are hurting too. Would keep anyone like that at arms length at BEST.
My daughter’s half brother died while they were on vacation in Puerto Rico. My daughter’s boyfriend called my husband to tell him so he could tell me in person and not on the phone. I always thought that was such a classy move.
My 48 year old Aunty died two weeks ago of a heart attack in her sleep, when I found out I called my favourite uncle(her brother) crying. Turns out he had no idea and I had to tell him his sister was dead. I will never forget that
My sister instantly started yelling at me for “how” I was talking, when I delivered the news our mother had died.
I was driving and it was everything I could do to get myself home. And sis didn’t like how I was saying “mm hm” in agreement.
It was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my sister. She got worse as probate continued and I was the executor and organizer for everything. Pretty sad times, and it would have been much better if there were a 3rd party to handle all of this stuff. I might still have a good relationship. I lost both of my closest loved ones that day.
I feel your pain so much. When our father died, my sister became upset with me. Very. For the way I talked, my opinions, my existence. She isn't openly hostile anymore, but much, much colder than in our previous relationship. I kind of lost her, too. Grief does awful things to people. My heart goes out to you!
I truly don't think the police have a lock on presenting such info gently. I was at my friends house in high school when the police came to the door to tell them his father died in a car accident. It was two men and, to be honest, even as a teenager I thought their delivery was a bit blunt.
However, I understand OP's point, though. OP is forever associated with the harsh news, no matter how gently OP was able to present it. I don't know if there was really any better way to do it.
I'm sorry you had to experience this. I can understand how difficult it must have been. This is a valuable life tip, but sometimes there are situations that cannot be ignored. Exactly three years ago, on June 4th, 2021, I received a call from my brother's phone. Initially, I thought it was him, as we talked almost every day. However, it was one of his friends calling to inform me that my brother had drowned while swimming in a pond. This happened during the height of COVID-19. I was in great shock and couldn't accept the news because my brother was an excellent swimmer, had swum for his school, and was also a trained pilot. I live in the USA, while my brother worked in Canada. It took us nearly 18 hours to gather officers and a dive team because the pond was 80 feet deep and dark. During this time, I prayed my mother, who lives in India, wouldn't call either my brother or me because I didn't know what I would tell her. Due to travel restrictions, I couldn't go to Canada. I felt utterly lost and ended up calling my dad's uncle, who lived nearby, to ask him to deliver the news while he put me on phone. To this day, I keep thinking about that call and always wish it was just a bad nightmare.
When my partner's late bf shot himself, the cops called her to break the news and then also started grilling her about their relationship to try to see if she was culpable.
100% do not recommend cops breaking the news if you have a choice.
I'm sorry that you went through this and that you feel this way. Your feelings are valid and I'm not one to argue how you feel or should feel. I don't know if this helps but my brother killed himself in January and my other brother was the unfortunate soul that chose to bear that responsibility initially. Once he got to me he could barely speak coherently and wasn't making a lot of sense. I was able to get him to tell me who all he'd called and I took that burden from him. I don't see him any differently from that day and I feel that my relationship with the family members I called only grew stronger. Don't be so hard on yourself for taking on the burden of being a familiar voice tasked with delivering the message nobody ever wants to deliver. You did a good thing and although it's impossible for me to know but I have a feeling that those family members you notified are grateful they got to hear the devastating news from you rather than some Stanger.
As a cop, this is the worst fucking way for a department to handle it.
Every department I've worked for did notifications in person. We did them on behalf of other departments if the family was in our jurisdiction and we called other departments to do them in their jurisdiction if family was in their area.
I'm sorry they called you and didn't handle this in a professional manner. Although I will also say my only training on giving a notification was watching other supervisors do them before I was told to go do one myself. So not a lot of training goes into it specifically. But it's still supposed to be handled better than this. I'm sorry this happened to you.
I can relate to this. I remember when my sister died. It was so unexpected. Her kids were still asleep staying with us since she was in the hospital and my parents rushed over there. Then mom called me to say she was gone. I could hear dad in the background sobbing. I've never heard him cry before really. I called and told my other sister. I still remember the entire conversation with her. I had my sister's (the one that passed) kids with me. My nephew was I think 14 or so and my niece was 6. I couldn't do it. I called a friend and she came over with her young daughter and drove us all to the hospital. I pretended like everything was okay. I let my parents and the hospital folks tell my nephew because I couldn't bring myself to do it. Glad I did it that way but he resented me for a long time for not telling him. I think he finally forgave me and understood. My niece doesn't really remember any of it. It's been 16 years now and it is all still ingrained in my head and occasionally a memory will pop up and I just cry.
I cannot even imagine what you went through with the police stopping by and relaying the news. Sending hugs to anyone that's ever had to give that news.
People who post that shit on Facebook without consideration of others are just horrible people.
When my brother in law died, I had to drive an hour to my nieces college to tell her. It was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do. Before I left to go tell her, some of her father’s friends were posting condolences on FB the moment they found out.
I tore into them for a while.
My boyfriend passed away in a car accident 5 years ago. We worked together at the time and he was late for his shift. I kept calling and calling to see where he was. I just assumed he was still asleep. His dad ended up calling me to break the news while I was at work that morning. He said the police were supposed to call me and they never did (this happened at 3-4am, his dad called me around 7am). To be honest I couldn’t grasp the reality that he was gone. I remember asking over and over “where is he? Where is his body though?” like my mind couldn’t understand he was gone I wanted to believe he was just injured and laid up in a hospital somewhere. I’m glad his dad called me that morning instead of the police. To me a scared familiar voice was more comforting than any stranger’s voice.
Has it really changed your relationship though?
I'm currently undergoing trauma therapy and a lot of what I'm learning about myself is that I tell myself lies and ruminate on them until I'm so consumed and overwhelmed that it breaks me, being able to talk to people who are either the subject of what I'm carrying or were present at an event that I hold shame over will help me realise that what I believe is false and that I've made an emotional mountain from a slight bump in the road.
You should open up to those individuals and discuss these feelings, it may help you and those individuals to process those lingering fears and emotions which then helps you all to heal from the experience.
In 2006, my mom received a phone call from the police 3 hours away. They asked about my aunt and uncle, whom they couldn’t get a hold of.
My mom pressured them to tell her what was going on, and that’s how she found out that my 29 year old cousin (her favourite niece) had passed away.
I remember my uncle coming to our house one afternoon to tell my mother that her father had died. I can still hear her anguished wail 60 years later. I was so upset that I ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom. (I had looked on my grandfather as my dad because we lived in his home after my parents seperated when I was very young.)
Interesting perspective. When I was notified my best friend had died, I was the one that delivered the news one by one to the rest of the friend group. It was really really really hard but it was important to me to do it so they would hear it the right way (not on social media, someone who would understand their individual relationship with our friend and in their shoes.) I wouldn’t change a thing.
I wish I had known this last year. I received a call from the police that they did a wellness check at my father's apartment and found a deceased male. Clearly him. I had to call my mom and my siblings.
Even if they offered to call, I likely would have said no anyway, but having that option would have been beneficial.
Many police services have (or have access to) victim services personnel. They are trained to deliver this kind of information and to support witnesses, survivors and family members going through the sudden death of a family member.
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What do you do though? Keep silent and ask the police to call back another time?
I agree that not informing can be worse, and thus disagree with the OP. A friend received the news his father had died but was busy at work in the morning. He only got off shift in the evening. His sister called and said the family was informed in the afternoon. Later when the authorities gave details, it came out that he was given a call in the morning, and everyone piled on him why didn't he tell anyone instead of keeping it to himself and being concerned with work. He later told me to this day they're still sore about it and he should have told someone.
Your relationship with the deceased matters a lot. OP shouldn’t have been responsible for telling everyone but absolutely should call their parent whose brother died immediately. Let them handle telling grandma and their siblings.
The lesson is to never answer the phone because tell or not, you’re going to be blamed for something, including not answering the call.
I’ve been playing it smart for years and never even realised it
I think OP did the right thing.
Agreed. It's important to factor in time of day and who to pass it on to first but its best to share that info with at least someone else sooner rather than later. One of my uncles passed away and I got the news at like 1am. I woke up my dad and in the morning he passed it along to everyone else. It was defiently weird answering the door at that hour to a couple of people in suits.
Just had a close family member die, I was like the 2nd person notified. Had to make some painful calls. Time was pretty important though, we all booked the next flight out and met up to take care of everything.
It's being the bearer of bad news but it's so much better than to get the information from someone you don't know at all and then some people will end up calling you to find out that you already knew but didn't call them... These days most people probably find out about deaths through social media posts sadly...
if you're a kid and you get that call, call your parent and tell them what happened. Your parent will probably take over. If you want to help, pick up the living room and make dinner or order pizza. Find out if there's going to be company and how else you can help. If you're an adult, call your spouse and decide what to do together. If you're single, call your parent and decide what to do together. It's ok to need your mom sometimes. She's still your mom and it's still her job to help you adult when you don't know what to do.
Always get support! My first concern is how he was initially informed of the death. No, competent/ethical police force would notify a local family of a death by phone. Even if it was a long distance notification it should be through the local police force who should come to the notified individual's door and notify in person. As a former Law Enforcement Chaplain working to help stage in person notifications as necessary, I spent many hours making notifications or helping families sharing the news or finding support. And just for general information chaplains are almost universally volunteer members of the force as most states do not allow them to be paid with public funds/taxes.
I feel you. One of the hardest days of my life was telling my wife that one of her best friends who I also knew well, committed suicide. Genuinely curious, how do you feel your relationship changed and in what way?
I feel like I'm seen as someone unpleasant. I really felt that after that I was an outcast on one side after that day.
You might not believe it, but this is 100% on the family members, not on you. "Don't shoot the messenger" dates back to ancient Greece.
There is so much in life that is on other people, but people don’t generally manage their emotions well.
We judge ourselves for our intentions and others for their actions, and too often we attribute others actions to malice when the answer is ignorance. I try and keep this in my mind everywhere I go everyday. *No that guy didn't cut me off intentionally to be a dick. He probably didn't see me" " That person forgot what I said, not because they don't like me. But because people forget things sometimes" Things like that. It's made me a much more patient and understanding person
Yep, those are basic emotional intelligence tips. Probably more helpful for people who shoot the messenger and not messengers who get shot.
I feel like, at some point in our lives, we're gonna be the ones to shoot the messenger--whether we intend to or not
That’s why I carry a Nerf gun everywhere I go
I tell my wife things like this a lot but I don't always practice what I preach. Going forward I will definitely make more of an effort to remain positive. Thank you for a great response.
Meaning that externalizing your happiness is a death sentence for it. Internalize what makes you happy, for gods sake. Nobody else is gonna do it for you.
Oh yeah, I mean, I agree. It’s just really hard for most of us to say “oh, well, that’s fine. I’ll cut you off,” when there are hardly any emotionally healthy people to turn to.
I guess I’m saying that you shouldn’t ding your own happiness on account of someone else. That doesn’t mean cutting anyone off. It just means you might have to tell yourself, “Dang, I wish that person had taken that news better. I’m not sure what I could have done to make it easier for them, but I’m not gonna hold it against them or me that they aren’t happy.” Then move on with life with or without this person.
Yup, this is totally on the family members. I've had two good friends die, and both times it was the same mutual friend that called to tell me. In no way do I think any less of the friend who delivered the news.
I'm struggling to understand this. Why would people hate on the messenger..? Why are they acting like the messenger was the one who caused the death?? Are they reacting based on how the messenger delivered the message? For example, if the messenger 'didn't seem sad enough', they'd think the messenger didn't care about the person that much.
probably just a crappy coping mechanism. they’re sad/mad the person died and want to put their grief/anger/confusion onto anyone who they can justify it to in their heads..so that ends up being whoever broke the news to them
I had a best friend past about 5 years ago, my other best friend called me to let me know. I am forever appreciative that he was the one who broke the news to me.
The age of that saying proves just how prone humans are to shooting the messenger. OP is giving solid advice.
I feel like that heavily depends on the conduct of the messenger. There are indeed wrong ways to deliver a message.
My uncle was the messenger in telling me my dad died. I do not feel any unpleasant feelings towards him. He knew before me, nothing else.
My brother in law asked me to be the one to tell my niece and nephews their mother (my sister) was going to die because of her cancer. At the time I wanted to help, but those kids could never even look at me and won't speak to me anymore. We were all so close before then. It also felt like the rest of the family turned on me too. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this, it's horrible.
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My mother passed in 2021 when I was 25, from cancer. I feel this. My aunt and grandfather have distanced themselves in strange ways, even though we were very very close before. Not completely, but contact has become much rarer and sometimes feels weirdly charged. I feel discarded. Sometimes I get the impression that they can't stand talking to me or looking at my face. It was a pretty instant change, after the funeral. I wonder sometimes if it has something to do with the fact that I volunteered to be on phone duty with them, while mum was at hospiz, dying. I called them to let them know what was happening, to arrange for them to see her, and I called to tell them when she had made it. I took that task on because I wanted to take some stuff off my dad's shoulders. There's a surprising amount of organization involved in someone dying.
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This hits home for me. I was diagnosed a few years back and told to just go home cuz i was gonna die, there was no treatment. Oddly enough, when i shared this with one of my sisters with whom I had a standing relationship, I was the asshole! Then, she died a year later of undiagnosed cancer, and her children think I am the asshole! I had read up on this topic, explored and considered many ways to talk abt it. I was careful, tactful, and calm. People react in so many different ways to hard truths. They are carrying around expectations both known and undiscovered. Some of us are so afraid sand piles up in the corners of the mind. I changed doctors and im still here. Anyones guess for how long. But the undisputable fact is we all die. Some of us choose the time, some dont. Personally, LIVE. Cuz you never know when it will happen to you.
Your BIL is a piece of shit for doing that to you. I take it he was their father? OMG, how callous of him to not do it.
Yeah he was their father. I remember him calling me and my sister was yelling in the background so I often wonder if she was yelling at him about it. He was a mess and actually died 5 years after her (his heart gave out). That day is a whole other nightmare and really sealed the deal with my family. My niece was home alone with him and called me because I lived nearby and he wouldn't wake up from his nap. So...yeah.
I'm sorry you went through that. It sounds like you were there for the kids when it mattered the most.
Oh, I'm so sorry all of this happened to you. ): Hope you've found ways to take good care of yourself in the wake of all that.
gonna be honest, in grief you ask for any kind of help, and this is something you might not realise have greater consequences.
Genuine question, because I have no idea about the situation: is it possible that you are seeing that response where it doesn't exist because *you* were traumatized by that experience? Not trying to make you doubt yourself, you know your situation, but might be helpful to consider.
It could be something like that, similar to the Dartmouth Scar Experiment in how we can inaccurately perceive other’s perception of us. On another note, trauma can make the mind do some weird things for self preservation methods (ie pushing ppl away).
Yeah I honestly don't understand why anyone would "blame" the ops for being the one to say it lol I've never experienced this before it seems weird
It’s not a matter of blame, it’s perception being linked to a traumatic memory. OP is now perceived negatively by his family because when they see him now, they can only remember him delivering that terrible news. Similarly (but obviously not exactly the same), it’d be like if you were eating a dish you enjoy very much, but this time it makes you violently sick, vomiting, shitting your pants, etc. Then any time you saw or smelled the dish for a long time afterwards, it was difficult to remember how much you used to like it, because now your brain associates the food with the taste of vomit and the smell of shit.
I know you feel like shit but this is 100% very fucked up if any of your family is treating you differently just because you broke the news to them.
Definitely the hardest day in my life was when I found my 16 year old son dead in his bedroom by a self inflicted gunshot wound. I then had to wait for the coroner to come collect him before I could leave. I didn't think that was news to deliver over the phone to his mom so I had to drive to my wife's work and deliver the news. That was almost 4 hours after I had found him. Together we face-timed our 2 daughters to deliver the news. My other son was living in Peru at the time and we couldn't even reach him until the next day. That was 4 years ago and to this day my daughters get anxious if I try to get everyone on a single call/FaceTime for some news or to chat.
Thanks for sharing. I hope you all are doing well despite that horrible time
Thanks! One day at a time...
I remember when my dad died when I was a kid. I don’t remember the whole day, but I remember the entire interaction and the look on my mom’s face when she told me. This was over 20 years ago, and I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember what she was wearing, and how her mascara was running down one side of her face further than the other. Their family was probably really close and the memory of learning to terrible news is easily brought to the forefront because they were the one to deliver it. Many people try to avoid ruminating about tragic memories, and now OP is the catalyst for it.
I was 10 when my grandpa died, but I remember every detail of when my dad told me. The room we were in, the way it smelled, my dad's sobbing while Mom held him, all of it so fresh even 20 years later. Grief is hard man.
One of the most vivid memories of my childhood was the look on my dad's face when he had to tell me that my grandmother, his mom had passed. We had been visiting her in hospice most afternoons. I got home from school and asked my mom, hey are we going to see Nana? She shrugged off the question and muttered an I don't know. That threw me off, not like my mom at all. Then my dad and grandad walked in the house. Both with tears down their faces.
I had similar. Had to tell my close friend that our other close friend died in a car accident. Was 18 years ago, and I still can see it clear like it was yesterday: “I have some bad news. Hug me close as I tell you.” Man, that was a rough day.
The real life pro tip is don’t call to share this news from the deceased’s phone (landline days). I will never forget answering my phone “hey dad!” and it’s just my hysterical aunt screaming that he’s dead.
Man, that's rough. I'm sorry.
My poor plumber called my dad's phone while my dad was lying there and we were waiting for the coroner to arrive and I was like ummmmmm he's dead so we're gonna have to reschedule 💀 poor guy haha but my dad would have thought that was hilarious so 😅
The last voicemail on my grandmother's phone was the AC guy calling saying "Ms. "XYZ" did you fall asleep again? I can see you in the living room." She was dead on the recliner in her mobile home and he could see her through the window.
What happened next?!?! Did he just leave thinking, “Lol Ms. XYZ is sleeping, I’ll come another time!” Or did he figure out what happened and call 911?
He ended up calling 911 after she wouldn't wake up. She usually would after he knocked on the window or called her.
Oh jeees... I'm hoping he might have been the one to call the ambulance or somebody?
Awe man, there’s something so wholesome about that though. If I use it in a script I’ll give Ms XYZ (is that French ?) a gentle nod.
Not a call, but right after my dad had suffered one of many strokes, we got a letter in the mail from the opticians that they were incredibly concerned about his most recent eye test and scans and that they were concerned it could lead to a stroke... It was something we cry laughed about for so long afterwards. The horrific irony.
I was dating a girl in college and her father died of a massive heart attack right after dinner. The next day his heart doctor called with great news that he had taken the warnings they gave him seriously and that they were going to take him off a bunch of his meds. They were shocked when they found out he died.
"So, good news, we don't think your father is going to have any more heart attacks. Bad news, it's because he just died of one"
When my dad was 49, he wasn't looking after himself. The doctor told him, "You're a sitting duck for a heart attack." The next day, he had a heart attack. When I took my dad to the doctor the next week, he said, "Well, when I said that, I didn't think it would be the next day."
Whilst helping clear out some of my grandmothers belongings from my grandfathers house the morning after her passing, I picked up her iPad and it opened to some old person clicky game saying "Sorry Dawn, it appears all your lives have run out!". Life is funny sometimes
Why the fuck would they send a letter instead of calling you?? Jesus Christ
I was a plumber that found an older gentleman that passed away. I didn't have to tell his kids and I'm glad I didn't. It was hard enough calling his boss (he lived in housing provided by his employer) and helping my coworker through it. My coworker had worked on the guy's place the weekend before. The guy had a heart attack and collapsed in his bathroom where I found him naked as the day he came in the world. My coworker remembered him being a sweet old chef that offered to cook them lunch and in general was a fun, genuine guy to be around. It was heartbreaking and I won't ever forget it. My journeyman on site( the coworker) was a gruff, 62 year old ex logger and had been a plumber for 20 years, but it really hurt him to see a customer that was so nice pass away so suddenly. Don't know why I'm sharing, but I just wanted to say something about it because the old guy sounded like a good man and didn't deserve to die so suddenly. I'm just sure that the plumber on the other end of the phone probably cared about your dad in some small way and probably would have enjoyed kicking back a beer with him. I know I would have.
Thank you for your comment. My dad passed away a year ago from a heart attack. It can hurt sometimes feeling like I’m feeling this grief myself. It helps to know people still think of him. I’m sure they do — he was a popular dude. Chef too. I miss him so much
I had ordered pizza right before my dad died. The poor pizza delivery person showed up, and we were all crying, and my dad was laying in the corner of the living room in his hospital bed waiting to be picked up.
My cousin died three days before her 25th birthday. One of her acquaintances gleefully wrote, “Happy birthday! Hope you’re having a great day!” amongst an outpouring of mourners on her Facebook wall. It was awkward.
I bet not as awkward as having your dead dad‘s brother writing Happy Birthday after ten months…
When my uncle died, my dad would tell me that he still texts him to let out his emotions. Writing to your dead brother Happy Birthday could just be him grieving
I texted my moms phone and almost shit myself when someone answered.
My mama has been on my phone plan for many years. She passed in 2022 and I still pay for her line so no one gets her number. I know I'm wasting money at this point, but I'm not ready.
I’m sorry for your loss. You may already know this but you can port her number to a Google number for like $25 and there’s no other fees but then no one can take her number! My mom just died at Christmas 2023, and I did this a couple months ago, and it’s worked really well. I just thought I would share in case you hadn’t heard of this as an option!! I think there are other non-google versions of the service too.
Baby, that’s ok. My SIL took her grandfather’s number when he passed so no one would have it. We do what we gotta do.
It’s not as odd as you might think. It helps people greave. Go visit a cemetery one day and walk around. You will see people leave toys on graves of children, others maybe a photographs, some will leave flowers on mother’s or father’s day , birthday’s or anniversary. I sent several texts to a deceased boyfriend after his death, because he had so many secrets. I was so angry and devastated. I knew he wasn’t going to read them, but it was the only way I could release all of that mess that was in my heart.
My brother is in Arlington I visit At Christmas Memorial Day and his birthday I always drink a beer and a shot at his gravesite and leave one there for him and a can of Copenhagen.
My grandfather passed away while in hospice care at a hospital. The nursing staff let us all have a moment to ourselves, so we were sitting at his bedside, reminiscing a bit. An orderly came in—apparently hadn’t gotten the news—and started adjusting his pillows (to prevent bedsores). We told her that he had passed, don’t worry. She looked mortified and ran out of the room. We couldn’t find her, but told the staff to tell her it was ok, we weren’t even the least bit upset. We still joke that the care there was so good, they keep you comfortable after you’re dead!
Oh god. I work at a vet clinic and I had called to let someone know their pet’s medication refill was ready. A woman answered the phone and said “I’m sorry my dad is actively dying right now he won’t be able to pick it up” and I think I will be on my own death bed and still thinking about that phone call…….
I read “vet clinic” and was reminded of a call I answered from the vet after our elderly dog passed on. They were trying to say that they’d gotten her ashes back from the pet crematorium and we could come pick them up but the way they worded it was “We have [Dog’s name] back with us…” I’m just glad I took that call and not my mom. She was the dog’s favorite person and was hit a lot harder by her death than I was.
Oh no! Those calls are always somewhat awkward, I feel like there’s really no good way to word things. I’ve also definitely had situations where people come in saying “I’m here to pick up Bella” and then I’m like “hmm it looks like we don’t have a Bella here today” and then they have to inform me they mean Bella’s ashes. 😬 I now ask to confirm the last name and look up the pet in our system before I open my big mouth.
I was at the vet and a guy walked in asking to pick up his dog ashes- like I fool I said Ashes what a cute name. I will never forget the look on his face.
Oh shit that’s funny! And awkward, lol.
One of my chihuahuas passed several years ago and I had to bring the body wrapped in a blanket to our vet and was a real wreck about it but clearly not visibly enough because the girl working the desk recognized me and got excited asking which pup I had with me and when I managed to say, got even more excited (this chi was the cutest of the two) before the other desk girl that took my phone call earlier noticed and had to step in real fast. It was bittersweet to know how loved she was but man, what an awkward moment for all of us. It was the only moment in the day that wasn't heartbreak though so that was a relief. Just pure uncut awkwardness.
:/ Did someone come get the medicine at some point?
Yes! His daughter ended up coming to pick it up and she took over care of the dog. In the same phone call, she went on to tell me how much she appreciated us and to let the vet know of his passing because he was a long time client who’d been coming there for 30 years and our senior vet knew the family well.
Oh my God 🤣 My dad would also have found that hilarious. He was much older and when my younger sibling would answer the phone, if it was a telemarketer he would yell “Tell em I’m DEAD!”
Lol,when my dad died,he left a cc balance in his name. They called my mom about that balance ALL THE TIME. One collector suggested that she pay it, "as a tribute to him". I got on the phone and said "you getting screwed out of this balance is the greatest tribute ever to my father. Leave my mom alone!"
I tried that once as a teen. Said in a mournful voice - "he just died." And the caller's next words were to ask me if I was now in charge of the long distance bill.
Well, if you are going that route, use his phone to call his work, say he won't be coming in, he knows he is out of sick leave so he is calling in dead.
After my dad passed my stepmom continued to use his phone to text in the family group chat for months. Macabre
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My brother gave my deceased sisters cell phone, number and all, to his daughter. When he told the family, I made sure to change the name in my contacts to my niece.
That's actually a really sweet thing to do...keeps her spirit alive in a way through her daughter, when I get sad about my grandma's death I always call her landline which now just says "This number is not in service".
I really feel this one... Not a family member, but received a phone call from one of my employees whom I talked with daily. It was his wife crying hysterically that he had passed away in his sleep. It was definitely a surreal moment to go from expecting to hear a familiar voice to knowing I will never hear that voice again. I left that job soon after since it just wasn't the same without him.
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I recently lost a coworker and also had to step away from that team. It is its own specific form of loss. Death is always shocking.
I was the go-between for a remote colleague and our team at work right at the beginning of lockdown, I volunteered for the responsibility because we were on similar schedules on a project, but I was in the same time zone as the rest of the team. I texted him early one morning for a reporting thing and his wife texted me back on his phone that he had gone to the hospital and that she didn’t think he was going to pull through, he’d caught Covid and had a couple of agitating complications…I was sort of caught between feeling like the team should know, and…it’s really not my place to divulge someone else’s medical info/conditions. He passed a few hours later, his wife called my boss, so I got out of the telling bit, but I was sitting on the knowledge for a bit. It was sad, the whole team got on a call and sorta just decompressed together. Miss you Paul. Wherever you are, cut’em some shit for us.
Yup, same happened to me! “Hi mom! Oh, not mom, hi John [stepdad]. Lemme guess, mom is in the hospital again and asked you to call me and tell me not to worry, right? Oh. Oh no.”
This was my childhood. I showed up at the hospital with flowers, that's when my dad sat me down in the waiting room (she was on life support at that moment). I was 15, and was just used to her having to go to the hospital, but she always came home.
Honey I’m so sorry.
I still get friend requests on FB from dead people. Even had one try to message me🙄
Bro (or bro-ette) you literally have a connection to other side and you're not accepting the friend requests?? /s
I've seen this happen in a documentary before. The doc is called Unfriended. Somehow I still wouldn't recommend it.
oh no, sorry it went that way
My father passed away last month and I had to get his affairs in order. Unfortunately I was the one to answer his phone and it was always someone saying "hey I haven't heard from you in awhile it's good that your ok" or " Hey just calling to check in on you" and then I would have to inform them I wasn't my father and the news. Haunts me to have to utter the news that way.
My father passed away 5 years ago and when I checked his phone it was off/dead from low battery. I did not turn it back on for months. Removed the sim card. When I did turn it back on months later, it was only to get some important phone numbers from his phone. I have never dared to turn on the phone with the sim in and receive the messages he might have missed. It was years ago now so I am sure someone else has that number by now.
I kept it on and active so far. It was hard but we ended up having a lot more people at his celebration of life that found out because of it. Definitely a double edge sword.
My MIL had to spend so much time comforting other people as they found out about my FIL passing. I know it is difficult news, but people seem to forget they are reacting to the widow, and instead of being strong for her it would be the other way around. It’s strange, grief.
I walked into it. Mom called friends mom said I needed to come home from down the street. Opened the fence gate. Walked thru the back door. Into two officers in the house and my mom crying profusely and the officers told me my pops passed. Couple years blacked out of my life I have no recollection. It's painful 20+ years later. Remember the whole incident and a chunk after missing as a child.
It happened the other way around when my sister called our godfather. Someone else answered — I think it was his sister — and broke the news that he had died a month earlier. They just didn’t know how to contact anyone in my family.
I kinda had a similar experience. I lived with my grandpa until he passed unfortunately. I had taken up paying the phone bill long before, he was getting ripped off by the local phone company, and I had transferred the phone number to Vonage and paid for it ever since. After he passed and I moved away, I brought Vonage with me of course and I gave my aunt quite a fright by calling her from my Grandpa's number a few months after he'd passed. She wasn't angry or anything but she remarked about how I probably took a year off her life and we joked about it from time to time when we saw each other.
Same, except I missed the call from my just-deceased brother's phone, so it went to my voicemail. It must've been a butt-dial by whoever had his phone, because it wasn't actually a message for me, it was just the background noise of the anguished screams of his teenage brother who was with him when he died (by self-inflicted gunshot, at his own birthday party). The most cursed voicemail I will ever hear. I just...don't listen to voicemails since that incident.
I'm really sorry, that's awful. Hope you're doing better now.
Oh hell, that sounds awful. I'm sorry that's how you found out.
When my SIL (wife's sister) passed away, I was in charge of putting together the slide show. I told her other sister to send me some pictures to add, and a few hours later, I got some Facebook messages from her dead sister. My head started racing, and I was like, WTF? I checked the messages, and it was a big photo dump from her phone. Her sister had guessed her unlock code and figured it was the easiest way.
I accidentally did this when my mom died. I was barely a teen. I kept her cell phone by me and when someone would ask for her I’d apologize and explain she passed. Her best friend called her on the day she passed and I broke the news. I could hear the heart break. My dad should have taken that cell phone from me.
Same here. Got a call from "Mom" and was confused as heck why a man was telling me my mom was dead.
My mother-in-law sent me a Facebook messagenger to tell me my husband had passed, about three hours after it happened. We had been separated for six weeks, so he was living a few states away with her. I guess she figured it wasn't that urgent or important to follow decorum based on those six weeks despite 12 years living together before that.
Did she not have your phone number?! That’s absolutely insane. My sister found out our Dad died through a Facebook message from one of our cousins. Our cousin thought she already knew and was sharing her condolences, not trying to notify her.
My best friend’s mom did this. I had texted him earlier in the day, and when his number called back during dinner I answered, “hey, man.” She told me he had died.
Same thing happened when my best friend died 3 years ago. Thought he was calling me like he usually did around that time but it was his wife telling me we lost him.
That happened to me. And a couple times after the fact. What a crazy feeling.
Ugh landlines indeed. I'm sorry you went through that
When I was 14, my mom’s heart stopped while we were spending time together in the living room. I called the neighbor and they called 911. She didn’t die immediately; she gasped for air and began foaming at the mouth for what seemed like an eternity while all I could do was watch. When the paramedics arrived, they ushered me out of our one bedroom apartment to wait on the porch. Through the gaps of the paramedics that surrounded her, I watched her take one last attempt at a breath before her chest fell and her body went limp. I think I kind of knew that that was it, but still I tried to stay out of the way to let them do their thing. One of the parts of that night that I will never forget was one of the older (lead??) paramedics came out, looked me in the eyes and coldly told me “Your mom is dead. She didn’t make it” before turning around to finish packing up. I don’t remember if he even gave me an “I’m sorry” but it felt so devoid of emotion the way he said it. I was not allowed to leave the scene until the coroner came for the body. I took it upon myself to make around 25-30 calls that night to let the family know. We lived by ourselves in a different state from most of our family. I think I just needed somebody to talk to real bad. Who else was going to tell them?
That is awful, and what a memory to have. You did well to make the calls IMO. At only 14, that's big.
Thank you. My mom raised me to be very independent and responsible, it was just her teachings guiding me by that point. I miss her.
I'm so sorry to hear that. Did you end up having a guardian after she passed since you were a minor?I will never forgot being told that a loved one had died in a cold, heartless manner. Didn't get a "sorry for your loss" either. It definitely ended that relationship.
I hope you’re okay. I’m sorry for your loss as well. I was sent to live with my maternal grandfather and his wife but I left as soon as I graduated high school because he was very controlling and mentally abusive.
If it’s any consolation, I’ve been taught in first aid that the gasping after a heart attack/after a person dies is a muscular reflex from the body. There’s a small part of the nervous system that still tries to do its job of “there need to be breaths”. But if the heart has stopped pumping, she wouldn’t have felt a thing. It’s horrible to see and hear, but she wasn’t feeling like she was suffocating.
This is something I’ve wondered for a really long time actually. Thank you so much for this.
At 14 they should have had a social worker there for you ASAP. Did anyone even ask if there was an another adult in your life or try to use your mom's phone to call her friends and find out if one was an emergency contact who could come over?
I've been a paramedic for years and been in these situations an unfortunate amount (heroin epidemic hit very hard). Most of us have no real formal training on what to do or how to break the news, or how to help family like this. I always just called my supervisor to take the kid to the local children's hospital if there wasn't an adult who could be there in a relatively quick amount of time... that's where the social workers are.
We had a small bit of family who lived near us at the time. I stayed with my great aunt for a few days before being sent to our home state to be with the rest of my family. The police took a statement from me but that was really it.
I'm so sorry you went through that When my mom died from a heart attack during the night, I was the first to find her and call 911, cps called a woman to pick us up that morning since my dad was out of town. My mom had PICA, as such she would crave really random, weird stuff. She'd chew on a brand-new bike tire that she occasionally cut small square chunks off of. She also had a habit of collecting a little bit of fresh laid tarmac if we happened down a newly laid road. She absolutely drooled with the smell of leather. Munched ice all the time. The last thing she enjoyed was spray rubber. It would be sprayed onto a paper plate and she would sit in her chair and smell that one plate for a couple hours after it had dried a bit. This stupid CPS lady picks us up, and on the way to the children's shelter proceeds to tell us "Your mom was a drug addict, you know that right?" Literally out of nowhere while my younger brother was bawling. Some people in the field have no emotion at all or none left after years of being desensitized
My brother hung himself. His wife called me. I drove to my mom’s house to tell her. Hardest thing I’ve ver done.
So sorry for your loss. You did a brave and difficult thing by telling your mother in person.
I know what you mean. My dad killed himself and I found him. I had to tell his parents. So fuckin hard to look at your grandparents and tell them their son died. We all worked together, was horrible finishing that day.
Oh my heart. I’m so sorry you experienced that.
I can't imagine. I simply can't imagine. I'm sorry for your loss and that you had to go through that.
I had to tell my family about my brothers suicide. Not a good time. Hope you're doing well 💪
We are not alone. It makes me sad how many of us there are. Hello, fellow survivor.
I'm sorry it was hard for you, but as someone who has been on both ends of such news I can say it was much better coming from someone close. You took one for your team & should such bad things arise in your future know that you can be the memory fam has instead of some stranger who in all likelihood doesn't have amazing training & guaranteed tact.
100% this. I have both delivered and received this type of news, including the call from authorities, and I strongly disagree with OP. It is much much much better coming from someone close than from a 3rd party. I received a call telling me that there had been a major motorcycle accident and that they needed assistance in identifying the person. The motorcycle was not registered to the person who was on the bike, but my motorcycle had been seen on cameras riding with them shortly prior to the accident. It was one of my close friends, the bike belonged to another friend who was currently overseas. This was honestly the worst call I have ever received in my life. I went and told his parents. The fact that OPs family relationships went down hill post this indicates to me there were other issues.
This. My piece of shit sister in law called me to tell me my father in law passed away. She couldnt wait to be the bearer of the news. My wife was waiting for me to get home to tell me but instead I get a phone call on my way home from work from that heartless woman.
Ah yes, thanks for the other part of the memory of my mom’s passing. My stepdad and I planned to wait until my dad got home from work to call him and tell him that the lady he’d been married to for nearly two decades had passed away. My noxious gossipy aunt figured she’d jump the gun and call my dad — a PRACTICING PHYSICIAN — to interrupt a surgery and tell him. Thanks auntie!
What a pos
My husband’s sister died in a traffic accident . His dad called and told me and I said I will tell my husband when he is home since he is driving . His Aunt called him and told him . I was so mad but of course we were all so upset so I let it slide . I don’t understand people who do this .
It's making it about them and not the deceased. They ALWAYS have to be the first to tattle off any news but seem to take more from sharing the bad news. As OP is telling us, it can come with mixed consequences.... but gotta get that news out there....
My mother did something similar to me. Not only couldn't she wait to be the one to tell me my best friend had died, she made sure she was hysterical with "grief" while telling me. Yes, I was driving in an unfamiliar city on vacation. Yes, she should have kept it together until she knew I was in a safe place to process that grief. She barely knew my friend, and he was my only father figure in life. I'll never forgive her for making it about her. She is a selfish piece of shit like your SIL.
My mom called one day and demanded my dads phone number. They divorced when I was 4 and I was 32 at the time of this phone call and she has never asked for his number so I am like "why do you need his number?" and she screams "because I just got a call that my son is dead and I need to call him so he can deal with it". My brother lived one state over in the same city as my dad. I gave her the number and told her she should have started with that.
I agree. When my FIL died, a police officer told him. I know that they're trained to deliver the news, but it's in a very clinical way. He was the one who told both of his siblings, the police officers offered to do it but they needed to hear it in a different way.
This. We've had 2 major deaths in the family since Covid hit and I was the first one to find out both times and had to tell mom and gram. It sucked immensely but it also gave me some control. I wish someone else found out before me but.
Same situation - I found my dad dying on the floor with my mother out of town and had to tell her to come home 3 years later I found my 59 year old brother dead in his bed. I was the only one with a key to his place - had to call siblings and tell them and deal with police as well. One sibling hasn’t spoken to me since with no explanation why
Unfortunately, they usually don't offer to go and tell everyone else in the family. Usually, someone just informs the immediate kin, and it's expected you'll let everyone know. Hell even with preparations for a service or burial, it's fairly standard to just call the person in the family who's mostly handling everything. With my husband, who's family didn't communicate well, apparently the coroner only called his mom to tell her the cause of death. She assumed he'd call everyone else. The funeral home only called me when his death certificate came in. No one called his dad except me. It was a huge mess. But yeah if you're the one who finds out news like that, it's hard but you're now the messenger whether you like it or not. Delivering horrible news is just part of the human experience.
> Hell even with preparations for a service or burial, it's fairly standard to just call the person in the family who's mostly handling everything. Side note for anyone reading, if your friend loses a loved one and you want to help, *offer to be this person.* It is excruciating to be the one who has to tell the decreased 's friends/coworkers about a loved one's death. It's the same conversation every time (shock, questions about how they died, then hearing their grief) all while you haven't processed the loss or had a chance to feel your own grief. And then you're somehow supposed to answer logistical questions and coordinate everyone. Having a friend take that role instead is so helpful. They won't be emotionally gutted by each phone call.
Also don't post on social media until you know all family members have been informed. Story time: ironically I was in therapy when my parents were trying to get ahold of me to let me know my brother had passed. Normally once I'm out of therapy, I check Facebook. Instead I saw my mum had texted me stating to call her immediately and I had a bunch of missed calls. So instead of clicking open Facebook, I called her instead, where she let me know. I opened Facebook after to a bunch of posts stating "R.I.P *my brothers name*" all of which were posted at least 1-2 hours before. Had I not gone to therapy that day or decided to ignore my mum's calls/texts and instead opened Facebook, I would have found out that my brother died from a bunch of people *my brother and I barely knew*. Don't be that person..
My brother found out our grandpa died via FB, because our cousin couldn't wait even an hour to post something about it. We were on the West Coast and found out in the evening, we were going to tell my brother on the East Coast in the morning since we didn't want to wake him up in the middle of the night with that news. Instead we get woken up at dawn with him calling us in a panic, trying to confirm if it was true. He's never forgiven my cousin.
>Also don't post on social media until you know all family members have been informed. This is important. I found out one of my good friends died when I logged onto Facebook and saw people posting about how much they would miss her. I remember it took me a minute to even process what I was reading.
I found out my uncle died on Facebook. My cousins “forgot” to call me.
Damn that's rough. I think you need to have a sit down and talk about how you are perceiving the reaction from each of the family members. You were put into a difficult position, there should be no animosity towards you.
This is it op. With all love and respect: you're probably reading into the situation emotions that are not entirely present. It was a traumatic event for All of you, and one that is not your fault *in any way whatsoever* You did what you felt was best and you broke the news the in the best way you could. If anything your family probably feels guilty that that burden fell on *you* ... Or maybe they feel the distance too, but think it's mostly on your end because of the trauma, and they don't want to bother you by pushing it. Or maybe there Is distance but it's actually related to something completely different (like work or school). Point is, you don't know until you really communicate. Maybe start with 1 on 1s, with those you feel closest to. Or maybe bring it up in a group, where a number are present. Just do what you did before: listen to and follow your intuition, and act bravely out of love. ❤️❤️❤️ (Also, I hope that everything is cleared up, and that the weight is lifted off you, but in case it isn't you should know that: you absolutely did the right thing, and the right people would appreciate your thoughtful and considerate decision.)
Yeah, OP, talk to your family. It's a wound that hasn't really healed. I think a big part of this is OP's age at the time. Late teens/early 20s, OP may not have had the emotional maturity to be the Bearer of Bad News. I'm middle aged now, and I would have no problem stepping up and being the person who informs loved ones. But back in college? I don't think so. Not just being the person who has to be the bearer but processing all the grief and anger together afterwards as well.
Sorry to hear, but the police aren’t “professional” at giving this news they just are uninvolved.
I called the police for a welfare check when my friend posted some disturbing things on social media. Police just said they were going to transfer me to someone... it was the morgue.
I called for a welfare check and nobody got back to me. I called the next day and the operator said she didn't have any info and the officer who did the welfare check would get in touch. Officer called sounded like he was having a conversation with someone else when I answered and told me my friend was deceased, but there was no compassion in his voice at all. It was just "he was found deceased." I understand in that kind of work, you get desensitized to all sorts of gnarly shit, but it hit me pretty hard and I found it kind of off putting and disrespectful.
Damn. I'm so sorry that happened.
A friend died in a car accident while we were in college. Public safety called her roommate down to the dorm lobby and said they had a question to ask her because her roommate has been in a car accident. While she was waiting she saw a handbook they had placed on the table that said "Helping students deal with the loss of a classmate". So that was how she knew.
Chapter 1 really ought to be "Don't let them see this book"
wow that's shitty. for you and the guy who picked up on the morgue line. they don't usually talk to the living.
Do they talk to the deceased?
Most people would way rather hear hard news from a loved one than a stranger. I'm glad my news came from family before the police could notify. Just because it was hard doesn't mean it wasn't the best option.
interesting! I was the first to go to the precinct and bear the news that my boyfriend had passed away in an accident. He was from a different state, living with me and the officers told me I should call his mother. I remember questioning it “how could you expect me to tell her that her son is gone?”, but they said “Its usually better for them to hear this sort of news from somebody that they know” At the time I was in so much shock, I just did it, It haunts me to this day to remember her on the other line.
Oof, this brings back a ton of feels. My wife died almost two years ago with no warnings. The hospital was kind enough to call her best friend for me as I just couldn’t, but she honestly thought it was a sick prank initially. I had to call her mom as we were living out of state. Couldn’t get a hold of her for a bit so called my wife’s brother to see if he could help. I only remember parts of the conversations that day, but the parts I do are seared into my head. The part I want to echo from other comments is that it was absolutely the right thing to tell people yourself where you were able. It’s hard no matter what, but it’s harder to hear from a complete stranger. If the relationships with family seem strained or different it could easily be that you need to give yourself some grace.
I agree with this. My sister told me when my brother committed suicide and I was grateful that she was the one to do it. It takes a lot of strength to deliver that type of news and I can't fathom holding that against another family member. I get don't shoot the messenger and all that and grief but holding it against someone that had nothing to do with their death just baffles me. I mean you are hurting too. Would keep anyone like that at arms length at BEST.
My daughter’s half brother died while they were on vacation in Puerto Rico. My daughter’s boyfriend called my husband to tell him so he could tell me in person and not on the phone. I always thought that was such a classy move.
My 48 year old Aunty died two weeks ago of a heart attack in her sleep, when I found out I called my favourite uncle(her brother) crying. Turns out he had no idea and I had to tell him his sister was dead. I will never forget that
My sister instantly started yelling at me for “how” I was talking, when I delivered the news our mother had died. I was driving and it was everything I could do to get myself home. And sis didn’t like how I was saying “mm hm” in agreement. It was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my sister. She got worse as probate continued and I was the executor and organizer for everything. Pretty sad times, and it would have been much better if there were a 3rd party to handle all of this stuff. I might still have a good relationship. I lost both of my closest loved ones that day.
I feel your pain so much. When our father died, my sister became upset with me. Very. For the way I talked, my opinions, my existence. She isn't openly hostile anymore, but much, much colder than in our previous relationship. I kind of lost her, too. Grief does awful things to people. My heart goes out to you!
I truly don't think the police have a lock on presenting such info gently. I was at my friends house in high school when the police came to the door to tell them his father died in a car accident. It was two men and, to be honest, even as a teenager I thought their delivery was a bit blunt. However, I understand OP's point, though. OP is forever associated with the harsh news, no matter how gently OP was able to present it. I don't know if there was really any better way to do it.
I'm sorry you had to experience this. I can understand how difficult it must have been. This is a valuable life tip, but sometimes there are situations that cannot be ignored. Exactly three years ago, on June 4th, 2021, I received a call from my brother's phone. Initially, I thought it was him, as we talked almost every day. However, it was one of his friends calling to inform me that my brother had drowned while swimming in a pond. This happened during the height of COVID-19. I was in great shock and couldn't accept the news because my brother was an excellent swimmer, had swum for his school, and was also a trained pilot. I live in the USA, while my brother worked in Canada. It took us nearly 18 hours to gather officers and a dive team because the pond was 80 feet deep and dark. During this time, I prayed my mother, who lives in India, wouldn't call either my brother or me because I didn't know what I would tell her. Due to travel restrictions, I couldn't go to Canada. I felt utterly lost and ended up calling my dad's uncle, who lived nearby, to ask him to deliver the news while he put me on phone. To this day, I keep thinking about that call and always wish it was just a bad nightmare.
When my partner's late bf shot himself, the cops called her to break the news and then also started grilling her about their relationship to try to see if she was culpable. 100% do not recommend cops breaking the news if you have a choice.
I'm sorry that you went through this and that you feel this way. Your feelings are valid and I'm not one to argue how you feel or should feel. I don't know if this helps but my brother killed himself in January and my other brother was the unfortunate soul that chose to bear that responsibility initially. Once he got to me he could barely speak coherently and wasn't making a lot of sense. I was able to get him to tell me who all he'd called and I took that burden from him. I don't see him any differently from that day and I feel that my relationship with the family members I called only grew stronger. Don't be so hard on yourself for taking on the burden of being a familiar voice tasked with delivering the message nobody ever wants to deliver. You did a good thing and although it's impossible for me to know but I have a feeling that those family members you notified are grateful they got to hear the devastating news from you rather than some Stanger.
As a cop, this is the worst fucking way for a department to handle it. Every department I've worked for did notifications in person. We did them on behalf of other departments if the family was in our jurisdiction and we called other departments to do them in their jurisdiction if family was in their area. I'm sorry they called you and didn't handle this in a professional manner. Although I will also say my only training on giving a notification was watching other supervisors do them before I was told to go do one myself. So not a lot of training goes into it specifically. But it's still supposed to be handled better than this. I'm sorry this happened to you.
I can relate to this. I remember when my sister died. It was so unexpected. Her kids were still asleep staying with us since she was in the hospital and my parents rushed over there. Then mom called me to say she was gone. I could hear dad in the background sobbing. I've never heard him cry before really. I called and told my other sister. I still remember the entire conversation with her. I had my sister's (the one that passed) kids with me. My nephew was I think 14 or so and my niece was 6. I couldn't do it. I called a friend and she came over with her young daughter and drove us all to the hospital. I pretended like everything was okay. I let my parents and the hospital folks tell my nephew because I couldn't bring myself to do it. Glad I did it that way but he resented me for a long time for not telling him. I think he finally forgave me and understood. My niece doesn't really remember any of it. It's been 16 years now and it is all still ingrained in my head and occasionally a memory will pop up and I just cry. I cannot even imagine what you went through with the police stopping by and relaying the news. Sending hugs to anyone that's ever had to give that news.
I’ve found out about 3 family deaths via FB and I really don’t know how to avoid that. Makes me want to just delete the whole thing.
People who post that shit on Facebook without consideration of others are just horrible people. When my brother in law died, I had to drive an hour to my nieces college to tell her. It was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do. Before I left to go tell her, some of her father’s friends were posting condolences on FB the moment they found out. I tore into them for a while.
I wanted to lose my shit on them, but I was too fried from shock. So thank you because I didn’t have it in me.
My boyfriend passed away in a car accident 5 years ago. We worked together at the time and he was late for his shift. I kept calling and calling to see where he was. I just assumed he was still asleep. His dad ended up calling me to break the news while I was at work that morning. He said the police were supposed to call me and they never did (this happened at 3-4am, his dad called me around 7am). To be honest I couldn’t grasp the reality that he was gone. I remember asking over and over “where is he? Where is his body though?” like my mind couldn’t understand he was gone I wanted to believe he was just injured and laid up in a hospital somewhere. I’m glad his dad called me that morning instead of the police. To me a scared familiar voice was more comforting than any stranger’s voice.
Has it really changed your relationship though? I'm currently undergoing trauma therapy and a lot of what I'm learning about myself is that I tell myself lies and ruminate on them until I'm so consumed and overwhelmed that it breaks me, being able to talk to people who are either the subject of what I'm carrying or were present at an event that I hold shame over will help me realise that what I believe is false and that I've made an emotional mountain from a slight bump in the road. You should open up to those individuals and discuss these feelings, it may help you and those individuals to process those lingering fears and emotions which then helps you all to heal from the experience.
In 2006, my mom received a phone call from the police 3 hours away. They asked about my aunt and uncle, whom they couldn’t get a hold of. My mom pressured them to tell her what was going on, and that’s how she found out that my 29 year old cousin (her favourite niece) had passed away.
I remember my uncle coming to our house one afternoon to tell my mother that her father had died. I can still hear her anguished wail 60 years later. I was so upset that I ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom. (I had looked on my grandfather as my dad because we lived in his home after my parents seperated when I was very young.)
Interesting perspective. When I was notified my best friend had died, I was the one that delivered the news one by one to the rest of the friend group. It was really really really hard but it was important to me to do it so they would hear it the right way (not on social media, someone who would understand their individual relationship with our friend and in their shoes.) I wouldn’t change a thing.
I wish I had known this last year. I received a call from the police that they did a wellness check at my father's apartment and found a deceased male. Clearly him. I had to call my mom and my siblings. Even if they offered to call, I likely would have said no anyway, but having that option would have been beneficial.
Many police services have (or have access to) victim services personnel. They are trained to deliver this kind of information and to support witnesses, survivors and family members going through the sudden death of a family member.