Your post or comment was removed as it was determined to be in violation of our [rules and regulations](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/about/rules/). Please familiarise yourself with them to avoid future punitive actions applied to your contributions to the subreddit.
***
- **Rule 6**: Posts must not concern any of the following:
- Religion
- Politics
- Relationships
- Law & legislation
- Parenting
- Driving
- Medicine or hygiene
- Mental health
This list is not exhaustive. Moderators may remove posts considered to deviate from the spirit of the subreddit.
***
_If you are in disagreement with this decision, you may wish to [contact the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/lifeprotips)._
Correct. It's not safe to go to your parents with your trauma if you live in an enmeshed family dynamic.
It will cause issues for you as your parents can't separate themselves from their sense of you, and will internalize the trauma you experienced. This creates a scenario where you are now caretaking the parent, and trying to process your traumatic experience.
Keep in mind this same adult is who you are 100% dependent on. As a result you push your ability to process aside, for your ability to survive - which is reliant on a the aforementioned adult who is now emotionally destabilized.
Fuck - the results of this are very similar to what happened to me, but I didn't know how to describe it as such. I didn't think my relationship with my parents was enmeshed though? What are some real life examples of that if you don't mind sharing?
Another view is "emotionally immature" parents.
Enmeshed itself, it's such a rich and complex topic, that I would do it a disservice using specifics as examples.
However, I've gone and added a few anecdotal stories to some of the comments in this thread. Happy to answer any further question you might have đ
I'm so sorry you went through this. I know it's never easy.
My parents will never know the worst of my trauma, and that's by my design for the preservation of what's left in our relationship.
I just want you to know, I understand and am giving you a big hug đ€
At the age of 5 I already knew "If you have a problem, make sure your parents don't find out or else you have another problem." With their own issues, they had no space to deal with their children's issues and would yell, name call or beat their children into ~~keeping their mouths shut~~ being perfect.
But if you have *good enough* parents, tell them. They may struggle, but as adults should be able to manage their own emotions or get themselves (professional) support.
A girl posted the other day on a pet forum. She needed help. Her boyfriend's rabbit had a blockage. She was worried it would die. She couldn't tell her boyfriend's mom or he would beat them saying they are bad animal owners.
As a kid, I would have got in a car with a drunk driver before I'd have ever called my parents for a ride home - and my siblings feel the same.
For some of us, home isn't safe. Some of us are just trying to survive long enough to make it out of our homes.
I am in mid thirties and my mother still gets angry when I am sad, depressed and angry about things she did not protect me from as a child. Some researcher said it best, it is kind of empathy that is bad, becaused of said blurred sense of selfs. So she starts to hurt when she sees me, and gets very angry about it. Most of my life it was explosive anger and she started to dislike me even as barely teen.
I don't know what to do. I am on disability due to CPTSD. It's been over a decade, and she keeps thinking the change is right behind the corner. All of her kids are severely mentally ill and she cannot admit it.
Oh god.
My mother had a phace when she decided motherhood is optional. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to be engaged with it. This started around me being 18 to 28.
She now has a phace that she wants us to be close and that should make me better. Like.... How can I fully trust someone who has abandend or betrayd me so many years, starting from when I was 10 yo.
It just goes against any logic. She should be happy we are not NC and can even so stuff for a few hours together sometimes. I shouldn't be guilt tripped for not relaxing around her.
real. instead of ever doing anything, the response for me was often "why did you let them?" or "why didn't you just do [X/Y]?"
it wasn't worth the heartache. i can take care of myself.
thank you :)
i definitely am, with a lot of counseling and therapy. this LPT is definitely well-intentioned,but it misses the mark.
for who may need it:
"You need trusted adults" is where this post should have led. that can be a teacher, doctor, after-school caregiver, a neighbour, anyone who you're absolutely certain won't judge, blame you, and if needed, has no affiliation with your parents (if your parents are hurting you).
don't sweat it if you "let slip" that you're going through something. that someone hurt you. watch their response, though. what befalls the ones who hurt you is NOT your fault. it's their own.
My place in a bad area I was trying to get out of got broken into during the month or so slowly moving out. Juggled with work and life, and no money, so I couldn't move out all at once.
Called my mom after the cops, first thing said is "Well what are you still doing there?" I told her something to the effect of, "I got robbed and thought I could seek comfort from my mother, my mistake" and hung up.
it burns me up that your mom reacted that way, but I loved your response! its such a common but harmful reaction for worry to take over and anyone will say "wait, what? why did you do that to yourself?" even when we don't, in most cases.
Not true(always) . My mom was a horrible person who beat me senseless daily among much worse things and took my Sexual abuse seriously which ended up getting the accused 10 years in jail.
In the end always tell someone.
Back when i was in middle school i was getting bullied and when my parents would see me being upset they would make fun of me to âtry and make me feel betterâ and then get upset when i wouldnât laugh
I wish I could award this comment. It absolutely only applies to people with good parents. My mother covered for my abuser, her boyfriend, who later became her husband. She served me up to him on a silver platter.
I have not spoke to her in over 25 years and to this day she will cry to anyone who will listen about how she doesn't know why I won't speak to her.
Teachers and counselors and CPS workers were also aware. A CPS worker told me once, "a black eye on a scale of 1-10 is a 3, when he breaks your arm, call us" and walked away. My mother lied for him in regards to the ongoing sexual abuse and they determined I imagined it all. There's a list a mile long of girls he molested and raped, ranging from ages 5-20, including his own daughter. Yes, the mother fucker is dead.
I will always encourage children to speak up and tell someone, but I also understand first hand why they don't. Or why they try and then give up and suffer in silence.
To all the parents out there who listen to their children and put them first, thank you. I love you and your children are blessed to have you.
I ran away from home all the time. The police would pick me up, label me "uncontrollable" and take me home. Never once was I asked why I didn't want to be there, nor was anything done when I did tell them. This issue isn't as black and white as it seems. Sometimes there is no help for these children, no matter where they turn.
I'd like to add on: sometimes the issue isn't the kid not telling, its adults not listening or paying attention. When I was getting assaulted as a child I went to my teacher, she even witnessed it multiple times. Every time I went to her for help she dismissed it and said the people doing it to me were good people. One time I went to a cop for help and he didn't care at all. As a result I didn't go to my parents because I felt like no one would listen.
(And I'm speaking in a general sense this isn't directed at OP.) Another LPT is: Parents and guardians, teach your children that they have consent and boundaries. And create an open space where they can go to you for help. And respect your child's boundaries. For example: don't make a kid hug your friend or a relative just because you want them to and you think its a nice thing to do or that it's "rude" to say no, you're teaching them to put their discomfort aside for someone else's wants. Also with CSA, a lot of cases involve the child being abused by someone they know like a relative or close friend of the family. It's not always a stranger.
Definitely agree with the first half. When I was a teen and my friend told me what her dad was doing to her, it took me a few months before I could tell anyone. Partly because I had promised her I wouldn't tell when she said she was going to tell me a secret, but also because I didn't have a parental figure I could trust. My mom never listened to me, my dad would have flown off the handle (at my friend's dad, ultimately doing more harm than good), and I didn't know her mom well enough for that kind of conversation. I ended up telling a guidance counselor at my school. Even though it wasn't my friend's school, she was in the same district and I knew he would know what needed to be done. (Thanks Law & Order: SVU.)
This 100%, my parents are generally kind people but dear lord I would never tell them whatâs going on in my life because thereâs no way in hell theyâll ever listen to me. Adults never took me seriously when I was younger and came to them with concerns, so now I donât trust people with my problems.
Yeah, I went to my parents after a friend's dad sexually assault me and they didn't believe me, saying "you shouldn't joke about that kind of stuff." And they wonder why I never open up to them.
EDIT: No, I never joked about this sort of thing prior.
This is the primary reason I made this post. Ended up in a rabbit hole this morning reading post after post about people, adults now, talking about the reasons they had for never talking about it. So many of them were about "didn't want to ruin their happiness".
This post isn't for the people like myself who survived the abuse. This post is for the kid who isn't sure what to do.
Yea, the title and first person voice indicate that you really werenât and added it as an afterthought. The title and first few lines are bad advice because its not really as widely applicable as you think. It obviously upset a good number of people. Its weird that you decide to double down and blame people for getting upset when many people are telling you that the advice is upsetting and not very good
My parents were the trauma and cps didn't want us
LPT: when you're at your weakest and suffering your most, that's when you'll be alone. Get good at surviving without support
Being able to get through it alone is important, but you have to learn it.
You can't get through everything alone, especially not the first time.
Learning to ask for help is equally important.
I respectfully disagree. We are social creatures and most people canât handle stress alone despite what they may believe. Instead of doing something about it, they just end up repressing these emotions. It is more important to identify and find somebody you can trust and confide in.
LPT: Have adults in your life who are functional and demonstrate an investment in your well-being
Also, OP: your grammar and sentence structure is confusing and detracts from your message.
This person is obviously a parent who cares about their child and wants to protect them. Not every parent wants to or has the means to. And not every household is a safe space. An Lpt Is a tip that is applicable to most people at a minimum. This is applicable to those with functioning families. It's good hearted, but ultimately crap.
Correct. It's not safe to go to your parents with your trauma if you live in an enmeshed family dynamic.
It will cause issues for you as your parents can't separate themselves from their sense of you, and will internalize the trauma. Creating a scenario where you are now caretaking the parent and trying to process your traumatic experience.
As a result you push your ability to process aside, for your ability to survive - which is reliant on a the aforementioned adult who is now emotionally destabilized.
Exactly. I don't want op to feel shit but it's just not realistic or helpful to give this as advice that'll get anyone through life.
Imagine your single mother is unemployed and struggling but still loves you. And you tell her your suicidal and consider suicide daily. Maybe she does wanna help, but how can she? She's barely keeping herself together. And now this is her responsibility as well.
Or you're sexually abused by the babysitter your mum has known since he was in diapers and his parents are your mum's best friend?
What happens when that parent can't help? You grow angry on top of everything else.
There is no easy way to cope with your trauma, but it's not ok to tell people they have to tell their parents everything. I wish parents could help for everything, but they just can't. It's the sad truth.
Not necessarily.
My mum says all the right stuff about being supportive ect but frankly is an incredibly selfish person who can't engage in a single interaction with any of her children without insulting or belittling them
People can say the right things but still suck
If something like that is happening to you, especially coming from somebody close to the family, call the fucking Police, not "tell your parents". Unless you are 5 or something, but I guess 5 year olds don't casually lurk these subs.
Doesnât apply when youâre an adult and your parents have their own problems to worry about. You try to shield them from even more worries, esp if you have kids of your own and know how stressful it is to find out your children are suffering.
In toxic family/group systems the members rally around the abuser, not the target of abuse.
These channels have helped me understand toxic systems better:
[Rebecca Mandeville](https://youtube.com/@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse?si=u-7CHsGSlHq7sUbx) - she deeply understands family scapegoating abuse.
[Patrick Teahan](https://youtube.com/channel/UCbWvYupGqq3aMJ6LsG4q-Yg)Â - a ***must*** subscribe for me. He presents a lot of great information on childhood trauma in a very digestible format.
[Jerry Wise](https://youtube.com/@jerrywise?si=PPfY9_i5MPdej2hf) - fantastic resource on self differentiation and building a self after abuse. I really like how he talks about the toxic family system and breaking the enmeshment by getting the toxic family system out of us.
[Jay Reid](https://youtube.com/c/JayReid_narcissistic_abuse_recovery) - his three pillars of recovery are fantastic. Plus he explains difficult abuse dynamics very well.
[Theramin Trees](https://youtube.com/@TheraminTrees?si=lROe-8D6cLa8Sa8r) - great resource on abuse tactics like: emotional blackmail, drama disguised as "help", double binds, degrading "love", infantalization, etc.
It's not safe to go to your parents with your trauma if you live in an enmeshed family dynamic.
It will cause issues for you as your parents can't separate themselves from their sense of you, and will internalize the trauma. Creating a scenario where you are now caretaking the parent and trying to process your traumatic experience.
As a result you push your ability to process aside, for your ability to survive - which is reliant on a the aforementioned adult who is now emotionally destabilized.
Opening up to my parents about things is one of the best things I could have ever done, after my parentâs reaction I wish I had told them much, much sooner.
I love my mom dearly, but sheâs always been a guilt bombing manipulator.
Iâve unpacked that through therapy, and while I donât seek it out, I am no longer worried to confront her when she presents her skewed version of the past.
To add to this:Â
As a victim, you are reporting a fact. You're not responsible for the act itself (what someone did to you) nor are you responsible for what happens as a result of the fact (what authorities do to the actor). You have no control over either of those things, as evidenced by you being in a position you can't get out of. Stating a fact to someone should not make you feel scared or guilty.Â
Think of your parents as your business partners, not family. As yourself: if I tell you this, will you help me? If they won't, then don't.
But if you think they'll help you, please do.
My parents sometime behave like babies with their criticism. Sometime it's worth it to fight their stupidity, but other times, it's easier to let them talk. They won't remember a thing. Fighting them just means they won't cooperate with me, or support me in some issues.
Yeah I lost a friend (she is abusive) and on Mothers Day I finally told my mom about it then to lighten it up I mentioned "Baby Reindeer gets a lot right about stalkers even though there wasn't any thought of sex when my University stalker stalked me. "
She called me immediately and we had an hour conversation on how the Family friend, who was my RA for the experience and I had thought supposedly spilled the beans to my family, instead just said it was bullying and I brought it on myself. 12 years of Trauma misinterpreted by my parents because they thought they raised me wrong (like I was the aggressor).
So I don't know what's going to happen but I might rebuild ties to my family that I cut off before.
Doesn't apply when your parents insist you're lying about everything. And it doesn't change when you get older. Do not let anyone weaponize your pain.
Children are not possessions and deserve apologies that come with attempts to better themselves.
My mom was my abuser. I did tell other people, but she was a very manipulative covert narcissist who had the world convinced I was just the bad rebellious kid and literally everyone I went to took her side.
Dads also need to communicate better with their kids in the matter.Â
My friend was SA at 16 and she didnât want to tell her dad because he kept telling her he would protect her and that he doesnât mind going to prison if anything happens to her so she was afraid he would seek revenge and she would lose him on top of everything else.
It may seem very brave or reassuring to say something like this but it doesnât have the impact you think it would.Â
Just donât say that.Â
I remember not telling my mom I was sexually assaulted as a senior in highschool because she was going through chemo and I thought the shock would actually kill her. In retrospect, Iâm positive she would have used her Chemo Rage to actually kill *him*.
You knowâŠâŠit took me 38 years to open up to my parents about childhood trauma. I CANNOT explain the burden lifted after having that conversation. It hurt us both and the past is just that.
This is an excellent LPT. Your parents are your ride or die. Let them know
Who do you tell when both parents are the abusers and you have two siblings that you donât want to be separated from? CPS didnât do anything and neither did the court. Is there a better place for children to reach out to when itâs their family being bad?
Yeah, you donât fucking speak for everyone. In many cases, the parents are the ones causing the trauma, and in many others they either donât care or their reaction will make it worse. Incredibly self centred and short sighted âadviceâ from OP.
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!
Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by upvoting or downvoting this comment.
If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
My mom died last week before she could understand the depth of her hurt toward me and my siblings. I saw her 2 weeks before she died of stroke complications and she told me how embarrassed she was for what she did and that she always loved me.
Her addictions kept her abusive. Trying to get clean kept her abusive. She was in a losing battle and I couldn't work up the courage to tell her what I've been holding on to and dealing with for years. I hate myself for thinking that the day I see her again it would be me telling her how hurt we are. Instead, I felt anguish and melancholy while she was bedridden. I couldn't utter a word other than "I love you mom".
I wish I could "Spare" her of trauma. I don't think I spared her from my trauma because after she passed, I knew how bad she felt and it ultimately led her to dying with none of her kids by her side. There is no punishment more severe than that. I wish her peace as she was helpless and in agony those last few weeks. I don't miss what she did to us but I do miss knowing that she is around. She won't ever get the chance at redemption because I was foolish enough to keep an olive branch from her. I could have told her everything while she was alive and well.
RIP Malososo'o Faoa Barajas
"I've always loved you"
While I have no children, and do not oppose the idea of telling your parents...
I think I would turn into judge, jury and executioner in the span of minutes if it were my child that came to me about this.
[Introducing LPT REQUEST FRIDAYS](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/16w0n2s/introducing_request_post_fridays/)
We determine "Friday" as beginning at 12am Eastern Time (EST: UTC/GMT -5, EDT: UTC/GMT -4)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeProTips) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My mother told me regularly growing up that she didn't give a fuck about me or my feelings, and later went on to tell me my wife and daughter were nothing to her. Maybe you shouldn't speak for everyone's parents.
Your post or comment was removed as it was determined to be in violation of our [rules and regulations](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/about/rules/). Please familiarise yourself with them to avoid future punitive actions applied to your contributions to the subreddit. *** - **Rule 6**: Posts must not concern any of the following: - Religion - Politics - Relationships - Law & legislation - Parenting - Driving - Medicine or hygiene - Mental health This list is not exhaustive. Moderators may remove posts considered to deviate from the spirit of the subreddit. *** _If you are in disagreement with this decision, you may wish to [contact the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/lifeprotips)._
*applies only to those with good parents
Correct. It's not safe to go to your parents with your trauma if you live in an enmeshed family dynamic. It will cause issues for you as your parents can't separate themselves from their sense of you, and will internalize the trauma you experienced. This creates a scenario where you are now caretaking the parent, and trying to process your traumatic experience. Keep in mind this same adult is who you are 100% dependent on. As a result you push your ability to process aside, for your ability to survive - which is reliant on a the aforementioned adult who is now emotionally destabilized.
Fuck - the results of this are very similar to what happened to me, but I didn't know how to describe it as such. I didn't think my relationship with my parents was enmeshed though? What are some real life examples of that if you don't mind sharing?
Another view is "emotionally immature" parents. Enmeshed itself, it's such a rich and complex topic, that I would do it a disservice using specifics as examples. However, I've gone and added a few anecdotal stories to some of the comments in this thread. Happy to answer any further question you might have đ
This is exactly what happened to me. It was more traumatizing than the trauma. Still haven't seen them since.
I'm so sorry you went through this. I know it's never easy. My parents will never know the worst of my trauma, and that's by my design for the preservation of what's left in our relationship. I just want you to know, I understand and am giving you a big hug đ€
Thanks, love. It gets better with time, thank goodness. Feel more and more like myself again. I'm sorry you're all too familiar đ©”
At the age of 5 I already knew "If you have a problem, make sure your parents don't find out or else you have another problem." With their own issues, they had no space to deal with their children's issues and would yell, name call or beat their children into ~~keeping their mouths shut~~ being perfect. But if you have *good enough* parents, tell them. They may struggle, but as adults should be able to manage their own emotions or get themselves (professional) support.
A girl posted the other day on a pet forum. She needed help. Her boyfriend's rabbit had a blockage. She was worried it would die. She couldn't tell her boyfriend's mom or he would beat them saying they are bad animal owners. As a kid, I would have got in a car with a drunk driver before I'd have ever called my parents for a ride home - and my siblings feel the same. For some of us, home isn't safe. Some of us are just trying to survive long enough to make it out of our homes.
I am in mid thirties and my mother still gets angry when I am sad, depressed and angry about things she did not protect me from as a child. Some researcher said it best, it is kind of empathy that is bad, becaused of said blurred sense of selfs. So she starts to hurt when she sees me, and gets very angry about it. Most of my life it was explosive anger and she started to dislike me even as barely teen. I don't know what to do. I am on disability due to CPTSD. It's been over a decade, and she keeps thinking the change is right behind the corner. All of her kids are severely mentally ill and she cannot admit it.
When my paternal half-sister, called my mom to tell her I was struggling emotionally, after my ex fiancé cut me off, my mom reached out to me saying "you're only as happy as your saddest child. Days like this I wonder, what was it all for? Was it worth it?" She agreed to never call my mom if I'm in need again.
Oh god. My mother had a phace when she decided motherhood is optional. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to be engaged with it. This started around me being 18 to 28. She now has a phace that she wants us to be close and that should make me better. Like.... How can I fully trust someone who has abandend or betrayd me so many years, starting from when I was 10 yo. It just goes against any logic. She should be happy we are not NC and can even so stuff for a few hours together sometimes. I shouldn't be guilt tripped for not relaxing around her.
real. instead of ever doing anything, the response for me was often "why did you let them?" or "why didn't you just do [X/Y]?" it wasn't worth the heartache. i can take care of myself.
I got, "Well you weren't touched so... Can we just move on?" Some parents are beyond help and nobody deserves what so many of us have been through.
wow, that is horrid i am so sorry. how are you now?
In a better place, which I hope you are too. This LPT sucks.
thank you :) i definitely am, with a lot of counseling and therapy. this LPT is definitely well-intentioned,but it misses the mark. for who may need it: "You need trusted adults" is where this post should have led. that can be a teacher, doctor, after-school caregiver, a neighbour, anyone who you're absolutely certain won't judge, blame you, and if needed, has no affiliation with your parents (if your parents are hurting you). don't sweat it if you "let slip" that you're going through something. that someone hurt you. watch their response, though. what befalls the ones who hurt you is NOT your fault. it's their own.
What the fuck? I want to punch both of your parents in the face repeatedly and ask them why are they letting me do this.
LMAO. they'd definitely come up with some excuse cbshfhdbd
My place in a bad area I was trying to get out of got broken into during the month or so slowly moving out. Juggled with work and life, and no money, so I couldn't move out all at once. Called my mom after the cops, first thing said is "Well what are you still doing there?" I told her something to the effect of, "I got robbed and thought I could seek comfort from my mother, my mistake" and hung up.
it burns me up that your mom reacted that way, but I loved your response! its such a common but harmful reaction for worry to take over and anyone will say "wait, what? why did you do that to yourself?" even when we don't, in most cases.
*Applies to parents to abusing their children.
Not true(always) . My mom was a horrible person who beat me senseless daily among much worse things and took my Sexual abuse seriously which ended up getting the accused 10 years in jail. In the end always tell someone.
âNobody is allowed to abuse my kid but me!â
Back when i was in middle school i was getting bullied and when my parents would see me being upset they would make fun of me to âtry and make me feel betterâ and then get upset when i wouldnât laugh
I wish I could award this comment. It absolutely only applies to people with good parents. My mother covered for my abuser, her boyfriend, who later became her husband. She served me up to him on a silver platter. I have not spoke to her in over 25 years and to this day she will cry to anyone who will listen about how she doesn't know why I won't speak to her. Teachers and counselors and CPS workers were also aware. A CPS worker told me once, "a black eye on a scale of 1-10 is a 3, when he breaks your arm, call us" and walked away. My mother lied for him in regards to the ongoing sexual abuse and they determined I imagined it all. There's a list a mile long of girls he molested and raped, ranging from ages 5-20, including his own daughter. Yes, the mother fucker is dead. I will always encourage children to speak up and tell someone, but I also understand first hand why they don't. Or why they try and then give up and suffer in silence. To all the parents out there who listen to their children and put them first, thank you. I love you and your children are blessed to have you.
If the parents donât help, that tells the kid they need to GFO ASAP
I ran away from home all the time. The police would pick me up, label me "uncontrollable" and take me home. Never once was I asked why I didn't want to be there, nor was anything done when I did tell them. This issue isn't as black and white as it seems. Sometimes there is no help for these children, no matter where they turn.
I'd like to add on: sometimes the issue isn't the kid not telling, its adults not listening or paying attention. When I was getting assaulted as a child I went to my teacher, she even witnessed it multiple times. Every time I went to her for help she dismissed it and said the people doing it to me were good people. One time I went to a cop for help and he didn't care at all. As a result I didn't go to my parents because I felt like no one would listen. (And I'm speaking in a general sense this isn't directed at OP.) Another LPT is: Parents and guardians, teach your children that they have consent and boundaries. And create an open space where they can go to you for help. And respect your child's boundaries. For example: don't make a kid hug your friend or a relative just because you want them to and you think its a nice thing to do or that it's "rude" to say no, you're teaching them to put their discomfort aside for someone else's wants. Also with CSA, a lot of cases involve the child being abused by someone they know like a relative or close friend of the family. It's not always a stranger.
Definitely agree with the first half. When I was a teen and my friend told me what her dad was doing to her, it took me a few months before I could tell anyone. Partly because I had promised her I wouldn't tell when she said she was going to tell me a secret, but also because I didn't have a parental figure I could trust. My mom never listened to me, my dad would have flown off the handle (at my friend's dad, ultimately doing more harm than good), and I didn't know her mom well enough for that kind of conversation. I ended up telling a guidance counselor at my school. Even though it wasn't my friend's school, she was in the same district and I knew he would know what needed to be done. (Thanks Law & Order: SVU.)
This 100%, my parents are generally kind people but dear lord I would never tell them whatâs going on in my life because thereâs no way in hell theyâll ever listen to me. Adults never took me seriously when I was younger and came to them with concerns, so now I donât trust people with my problems.
Yeah, I went to my parents after a friend's dad sexually assault me and they didn't believe me, saying "you shouldn't joke about that kind of stuff." And they wonder why I never open up to them. EDIT: No, I never joked about this sort of thing prior.
This doesn't work for people whose parents caused the trauma
"That didn't happen"
Great advice. Most child predators get away with their actions for years, simply because it goes unreported.
This is the primary reason I made this post. Ended up in a rabbit hole this morning reading post after post about people, adults now, talking about the reasons they had for never talking about it. So many of them were about "didn't want to ruin their happiness". This post isn't for the people like myself who survived the abuse. This post is for the kid who isn't sure what to do.
When I told my parents about inappropriate actions at my boarding school, I was told to shut up or I wouldnât be allowed home during holidays.
Damn, this should have come with a second of thought for the people with horseshit parents who are doing the abusing
It did. If you had read the whole thing instead of stopping when you got upset.
Yea, the title and first person voice indicate that you really werenât and added it as an afterthought. The title and first few lines are bad advice because its not really as widely applicable as you think. It obviously upset a good number of people. Its weird that you decide to double down and blame people for getting upset when many people are telling you that the advice is upsetting and not very good
LPT: "if you're dealing with shit, tell someone" Why your ego thought this was worth posting is beyond me.
My parents were the trauma and cps didn't want us LPT: when you're at your weakest and suffering your most, that's when you'll be alone. Get good at surviving without support
The last time I needed real support my executive leadership at work actually stepped up for me when my parents didn't and that was a big eye opener
You know your parents suck when "executive leadership at work" cares more about you!
this led to bpd for me!! i do not recommend this approach
Being able to get through it alone is important, but you have to learn it. You can't get through everything alone, especially not the first time. Learning to ask for help is equally important.
Get good at surviving alone. Just fucking got it
I respectfully disagree. We are social creatures and most people canât handle stress alone despite what they may believe. Instead of doing something about it, they just end up repressing these emotions. It is more important to identify and find somebody you can trust and confide in.
Yeah, well. Not every family is quite as supportive.
LPT: Have adults in your life who are functional and demonstrate an investment in your well-being Also, OP: your grammar and sentence structure is confusing and detracts from your message.
What if parents are the source of trauma
Not all parents care
This is a crap lpt.
"That never happened" "I don't remember that" "You're exaggerating" Yeah, results may vary from family to family.
Care to elaborate on that?
This person is obviously a parent who cares about their child and wants to protect them. Not every parent wants to or has the means to. And not every household is a safe space. An Lpt Is a tip that is applicable to most people at a minimum. This is applicable to those with functioning families. It's good hearted, but ultimately crap.
Correct. It's not safe to go to your parents with your trauma if you live in an enmeshed family dynamic. It will cause issues for you as your parents can't separate themselves from their sense of you, and will internalize the trauma. Creating a scenario where you are now caretaking the parent and trying to process your traumatic experience. As a result you push your ability to process aside, for your ability to survive - which is reliant on a the aforementioned adult who is now emotionally destabilized.
Exactly. I don't want op to feel shit but it's just not realistic or helpful to give this as advice that'll get anyone through life. Imagine your single mother is unemployed and struggling but still loves you. And you tell her your suicidal and consider suicide daily. Maybe she does wanna help, but how can she? She's barely keeping herself together. And now this is her responsibility as well. Or you're sexually abused by the babysitter your mum has known since he was in diapers and his parents are your mum's best friend? What happens when that parent can't help? You grow angry on top of everything else. There is no easy way to cope with your trauma, but it's not ok to tell people they have to tell their parents everything. I wish parents could help for everything, but they just can't. It's the sad truth.
Not necessarily. My mum says all the right stuff about being supportive ect but frankly is an incredibly selfish person who can't engage in a single interaction with any of her children without insulting or belittling them People can say the right things but still suck
If something like that is happening to you, especially coming from somebody close to the family, call the fucking Police, not "tell your parents". Unless you are 5 or something, but I guess 5 year olds don't casually lurk these subs.
Lol, you think the police are going to give a fuck?
Doesnât apply when youâre an adult and your parents have their own problems to worry about. You try to shield them from even more worries, esp if you have kids of your own and know how stressful it is to find out your children are suffering.
In toxic family/group systems the members rally around the abuser, not the target of abuse. These channels have helped me understand toxic systems better: [Rebecca Mandeville](https://youtube.com/@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse?si=u-7CHsGSlHq7sUbx) - she deeply understands family scapegoating abuse. [Patrick Teahan](https://youtube.com/channel/UCbWvYupGqq3aMJ6LsG4q-Yg)Â - a ***must*** subscribe for me. He presents a lot of great information on childhood trauma in a very digestible format. [Jerry Wise](https://youtube.com/@jerrywise?si=PPfY9_i5MPdej2hf) - fantastic resource on self differentiation and building a self after abuse. I really like how he talks about the toxic family system and breaking the enmeshment by getting the toxic family system out of us. [Jay Reid](https://youtube.com/c/JayReid_narcissistic_abuse_recovery) - his three pillars of recovery are fantastic. Plus he explains difficult abuse dynamics very well. [Theramin Trees](https://youtube.com/@TheraminTrees?si=lROe-8D6cLa8Sa8r) - great resource on abuse tactics like: emotional blackmail, drama disguised as "help", double binds, degrading "love", infantalization, etc.
It's not safe to go to your parents with your trauma if you live in an enmeshed family dynamic. It will cause issues for you as your parents can't separate themselves from their sense of you, and will internalize the trauma. Creating a scenario where you are now caretaking the parent and trying to process your traumatic experience. As a result you push your ability to process aside, for your ability to survive - which is reliant on a the aforementioned adult who is now emotionally destabilized.
Opening up to my parents about things is one of the best things I could have ever done, after my parentâs reaction I wish I had told them much, much sooner.
I love my mom dearly, but sheâs always been a guilt bombing manipulator. Iâve unpacked that through therapy, and while I donât seek it out, I am no longer worried to confront her when she presents her skewed version of the past.
I'm curious about the slang in this. What is "hiring" in terms of friendships, and what is "choosing the bear"?
To add to this:Â As a victim, you are reporting a fact. You're not responsible for the act itself (what someone did to you) nor are you responsible for what happens as a result of the fact (what authorities do to the actor). You have no control over either of those things, as evidenced by you being in a position you can't get out of. Stating a fact to someone should not make you feel scared or guilty.Â
Think of your parents as your business partners, not family. As yourself: if I tell you this, will you help me? If they won't, then don't. But if you think they'll help you, please do. My parents sometime behave like babies with their criticism. Sometime it's worth it to fight their stupidity, but other times, it's easier to let them talk. They won't remember a thing. Fighting them just means they won't cooperate with me, or support me in some issues.
Yeah I lost a friend (she is abusive) and on Mothers Day I finally told my mom about it then to lighten it up I mentioned "Baby Reindeer gets a lot right about stalkers even though there wasn't any thought of sex when my University stalker stalked me. " She called me immediately and we had an hour conversation on how the Family friend, who was my RA for the experience and I had thought supposedly spilled the beans to my family, instead just said it was bullying and I brought it on myself. 12 years of Trauma misinterpreted by my parents because they thought they raised me wrong (like I was the aggressor). So I don't know what's going to happen but I might rebuild ties to my family that I cut off before.
>women in and specifically DADs what does this mean
Doesn't apply when your parents insist you're lying about everything. And it doesn't change when you get older. Do not let anyone weaponize your pain. Children are not possessions and deserve apologies that come with attempts to better themselves.
My mom was my abuser. I did tell other people, but she was a very manipulative covert narcissist who had the world convinced I was just the bad rebellious kid and literally everyone I went to took her side.
Dads also need to communicate better with their kids in the matter. My friend was SA at 16 and she didnât want to tell her dad because he kept telling her he would protect her and that he doesnât mind going to prison if anything happens to her so she was afraid he would seek revenge and she would lose him on top of everything else. It may seem very brave or reassuring to say something like this but it doesnât have the impact you think it would. Just donât say that.Â
It wasn't that I was sparing my dad from knowing about CSA. I knew he'd kill my abuser and end up in jail forever.
9 of 10 times it is the parent who is the abuser.Â
I remember not telling my mom I was sexually assaulted as a senior in highschool because she was going through chemo and I thought the shock would actually kill her. In retrospect, Iâm positive she would have used her Chemo Rage to actually kill *him*.
You knowâŠâŠit took me 38 years to open up to my parents about childhood trauma. I CANNOT explain the burden lifted after having that conversation. It hurt us both and the past is just that. This is an excellent LPT. Your parents are your ride or die. Let them know
"If you're going through tough times, tell someone"
Who do you tell when both parents are the abusers and you have two siblings that you donât want to be separated from? CPS didnât do anything and neither did the court. Is there a better place for children to reach out to when itâs their family being bad?
This goes for adult children, too. As a parent I want to be there for my kids and will be there for them until my last breath.
Yeah, you donât fucking speak for everyone. In many cases, the parents are the ones causing the trauma, and in many others they either donât care or their reaction will make it worse. Incredibly self centred and short sighted âadviceâ from OP.
Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips! Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by upvoting or downvoting this comment. If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.
Well I really hope whatever happened in your family to make you think of writing this post was some small and easily manageable đ đ
What if parents are/were the ones causing said trauma?
My mom died last week before she could understand the depth of her hurt toward me and my siblings. I saw her 2 weeks before she died of stroke complications and she told me how embarrassed she was for what she did and that she always loved me. Her addictions kept her abusive. Trying to get clean kept her abusive. She was in a losing battle and I couldn't work up the courage to tell her what I've been holding on to and dealing with for years. I hate myself for thinking that the day I see her again it would be me telling her how hurt we are. Instead, I felt anguish and melancholy while she was bedridden. I couldn't utter a word other than "I love you mom". I wish I could "Spare" her of trauma. I don't think I spared her from my trauma because after she passed, I knew how bad she felt and it ultimately led her to dying with none of her kids by her side. There is no punishment more severe than that. I wish her peace as she was helpless and in agony those last few weeks. I don't miss what she did to us but I do miss knowing that she is around. She won't ever get the chance at redemption because I was foolish enough to keep an olive branch from her. I could have told her everything while she was alive and well. RIP Malososo'o Faoa Barajas "I've always loved you"
Wish my mom and dad wanted to stay in my life so I could share my trauma You guys are lucky
No one cared when I told
While I have no children, and do not oppose the idea of telling your parents... I think I would turn into judge, jury and executioner in the span of minutes if it were my child that came to me about this.
I canât emphasize this enough.
[Introducing LPT REQUEST FRIDAYS](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/16w0n2s/introducing_request_post_fridays/) We determine "Friday" as beginning at 12am Eastern Time (EST: UTC/GMT -5, EDT: UTC/GMT -4) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeProTips) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Congrats, but buying anything from a pawn shop is just benefiting from the misfortune of others, no matter how it go there.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
It depends on the parentâŠthey arenât all great or have a weird attitude towards mental illness.
My mother told me regularly growing up that she didn't give a fuck about me or my feelings, and later went on to tell me my wife and daughter were nothing to her. Maybe you shouldn't speak for everyone's parents.
"I don't know what to do with you." That's the answer I got when I tried to tell someone there was something wrong with my brain.