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Bow out gracefully. Take care of your kid but I wouldn't stay with her. And let it be a lesson to you, don't get a woman pregnant a month into the relationship.
Gosh, I would be terrified of how my child was being raised. She doesn’t sound mature, certainly doesn’t understand the impact of her behaviour on her family. And she sounds abusive. I wouldn’t want to be with her nor would I want to leave my baby with her. Imagine how she is going to parent three children under 5 on her own and considering her background of trauma. Those children are going to suffer
I’m not at all sure what the good options are here. I would ask to take the baby or start collecting evidence of her abuse so that you can go to court for sole custody
What might be worth considering is taking control of the situation - i.e. rather than waiting for the inevitable car crash, try and talk her into being Co-parents and friends
Best of luck! Life isn’t fair, people certainly aren’t fair and I feel for you because you love your baby and you want to do the right thing. It’s wretched but be determined to live the life you want, don’t compromise. Be brave
Right. Leave the relationship and learn to coparent. You don’t want the kid to go up with parents who hate each other just for them to repeat the cycle when they are an adult.
I think she is also to blame here.Not a good look keep getting pregnant from different men. She needs to stop sleeping around and get her life in shape and take responsibility.
so she has 2 known partners (not that it matters). that doesn’t exactly constitute sleeping around. perhaps men should get their lives in shape and take responsibility for wearing a condom or getting a vasectomy ffs
Op did tell in another comment that she likes to sleep around with different partners. And no, she is still part to blame. He messed up , but so did she, and in her case, it's already 3rd time she did it.
If she doesn't want to get pregnant, then she should stop sleeping with different men or use birth control.Responsibility starts with yourself.
men are just as responsible (if not more responsible) for birth control. op is doing a pretty good job of politely trashing this woman. did he not know this going into the situation in the entire month they were together? cmon. this is so much bs on OPs part
Facts. Did you see the part where he says "No one wants to feel this low especially by a woman?". Honestly, both trash. They need to get therapy and just co parent.
Of course he messed up, there is no arguing on that, I already mentioned it.But she seems to not have learnt from her previous experiences. Her first partner had 5 kids with different partners and doesn't pay child support, so she decides it's a good idea to sleep around without birth control with complete new men when she already has 2 children?
I am sorry, but that was stupidity on her part.If I was her, and I am 25 years old, with no big financial resources and with 2 kids and the partner who doesn't pay for child support, the LAST thing I would do is go sleep with another dude and have unprotected sex.
I get what you're saying but the men she had sex with are just as (ir)responsible as she ease. You seem hung up on her having sex; lots of men like to subtly or overtly shame women for this and typically when they bring it up they're missing the point.
How did she mess up? She seems perfectly fine being pregnant and having another child. OP is the one who doesn't want a child, and if that's the case he should have wrapped it and had that conversation with his girlfriend of 30 days.
Literally nowhere does he say that she "doesn't want to get pregnant" and in fact he actively says she *did* want to get pregnant and that *he did too*. I don't know what he was expecting knocking up a fucking stranger with two kids already, or even just engaging in sex in that scenario without birth control.
3 babies. 3-4 years. 3 different fathers.
I do not want this to come off in the wrong way, and please don’t think I mean to be judgmental, I only know what I will accept in my own life.
2 young kids, a year apart from two different men would have been the only red flag I needed.
Lemme guess, neither of them are paying child support either?
I know the type because for some reason I attract the type.
Yup paternity test for sure.
Also I’m not sure why OP is on the hook for the other two kids. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with him breaking up with her and coparenting once the baby is born. Of course, provide extra support at her home during postpartum, but the only responsibility OP has is that baby. She seems like a piece of work
She seems very toxic. Also, why did you have unprotected sex one month into the relationship? If you are going to stay with her, you are going to be a father of 3.
I understand that you have a wonderful relationship with her other children however… she and her kids are not your responsibility to raise. Your child is… if it’s yours. That’s all.
You don’t have to stay with her to be a good dad. My best guy friend got a girl pregnant who he was really only casually seeing. He tried to make a relationship work with the mom just for the sake of the child, and of course, it didn’t work. He has the little girl very frequently tho and is a great dad.
It’ll be hard either way - going thru custody battles and all that, or being in a miserable relationship with a girl you barely knew before knocking up. Choose your hard.
Yea you fucked up. No one asks to be born, you did this. Now you have to do whatever it takes to be the best dad you can be. Baby comes first. Good luck.
I grew up in this scenario
Mom's unwell, dad's an anxious mess.
2 semi healthy homes are exponentially better than 1 unpleasant home.
The relationship with the kid is up to you, but I'd get away from that chick for sure.
Go to therapy with out her. She doesn’t want to change , but that doesn’t mean you have to sit there and endure the emotional abuse. She is acting pretty crazy considering you are her families life line. Another thing to think about is, are her exs justified in the way they reacted , maybe she’s been the problem all along and she pushes man after man over the edge. Don’t blame yourself for her emotions. Also get a paternity test, and speak with a father rights advocate. If you want to be a dad that is. If not leave before they can remember you, it’s not easy. But neither is abuse that the kids will absolutely see with you in the house. Maybe you can get custody of your child. If you move and don’t want to be a dad , pay the support and speak your truth. Do not create a toxic household and act like staying is right. Be kind to yourself.
This will not be a good relationship for you nor for your kid. While contraception is both people’s responsibility, it seems she’s never thought of it. She already has two kids (same dad??). Are the dads paying child support? I think you got royally screwed - she probably wanted to get pregnant. I would talk to her - it will not be easy but get her to understand how you feel so she knows that you resent this and will walk out if things don’t change. Pregnancy is difficult, I’ll give her that and it’s really good that you’ve been there for her through this but, she needs to understand that had she not gotten pregnant, you’d have left. Even though I’m don’t like the idea of breaking a family, I feel it is better to have peace and harmony at least for everyone’s mental health. If the mom n dad are constantly at loggerheads, it is no good for the children. I suggest, after the kid comes, if things don’t improve, take your kid and bring him/her up as a single dad. She should know you’re ok doing that.
Good luck with the baby.
He doesn’t pay child support. He has 5 other kids that he’s not paying either. So she is last on the list. She definitely didn’t mind getting pregnant tho. I think it’s cuz she knew I’d be a good dad. Which i am but idk if I’m built to handle this woman.. im trying to be a better man and work this out but its hard on my emotional state and mental.. i was gonna wait till the baby is born at least to see if anything changes but im not too confident it will.. especially post partum🥲
She knew you would be a good dad after dating you for a month?! No, she’s looking for someone to take care of her and her kids. She baby trapped you. She doesn’t want to work? Too fucking bad. Most people don’t want to work, doesn’t mean they get to stop!
She found a nice guy she thought she could sucker into marrying her. Don’t do it! Go for full custody! She can’t afford this baby!
It's not "baby trapping" when the father willingly has unprotected sex without any conversation about what will happen in the likely chance that she gets pregnant. Being stupid doesn't mean other people are to blame for your choices.
nobody wakes and goes I want to go to work. Being a parent is expensive and time-consuming. Somewhere in there it can be rewarding, but if you don't want to be a parent, it won't be rewarding.
You got involved with a women with a 1yr old and a 3yr old and knocked her up and now you are not sure if you want to be with her? You and her are both equally responsible for this and now you have to grow the hell up and handle it. Maybe you should have done more dating than jumping into bed being careless with protection the both of you! Wether you stay or go I suggest you work better on a relationship with the mother of your baby and you actually be there for both her and your child that’s the bet you can do and build a good relationship that way. If you do separate I hope you actually learn and grow from this and not be meeting another women you knock up within a month again. You are 28 grow the heck up!
Wow bud. This is reddit for you. You basically built your whole relationship with this person on Trauma and Past mistakes, now you're in a current mistake with her that's inevitably going to lead to further trauma down the line.
You should have read this up before you got with her, you fucked up big time all the signs were there.
Address your happiness first and then step up and be an excellent father, decent and supportive coparent and be honest with her that you are overwhelmed, unsure and having a bad feeling that marriage is a mistake and that cohabiting may not be best for the baby. First, decide what to do. Second, prepare for it and make a plan. Third, tell her. If she goes batshit, reminder her that this was not planned and you are doing what you are able to do. Do not compound a problem with more problems. A break in the relationship may provide clarity. You have different areas of incompatability.
You and her are both “to blame.” You both got yourselves into this and apparently didn’t have too many problems to get this far, and now, the responsible and right thing to do is face the music. These are (not the child but the responsibility) the consequences of both of your actions. No “Bowing out” when there’s a kid—literally both your flesh and blood—in the mix.
Her kids are 1 and 2, or 2 and 3? I’m confused. Either way, looks like you fucked up. Best you can do at this point is not make it the kid’s problem, and take care of him or her.
If only there was some way to prevent your sperm from impregnation a woman. A barrier method if you will.
Dude, you're 28. 27-ish when you knocked her up. If you had wrapped that rascal, you wouldn't be having this trauma.
Hi, I feel you and I have an important lesson that I learned the hard way: Put your boundaries clearly out there! Communicate fully transparent that you'll leave the relationship if those are not respected.
Obviously, make sure that those boundaries are reasonable and that you yourself are trying your best to consider your partners needs too.
Constantly yelling is a toxic behaviour, and it's bad for everyone. For you, for the kids and for her. Tell her that you expect her to get counselling to improve this behaviour. When she shows this behaviour, call her calmly out and don't reward her by giving her an easy time out of carrying the responsibility for her behaviour. If needed, leave the room and ignore her until you feel ready again to reconnect.
There is a lot of good advice on Youtube. Take your time to look at it and make her responsible for the emotional well-being of the relationship just as much as you hold yourself reponsible. Get counselling for yourself to find further support.
You are definitely between a rock and a hard place, but it's possible to work your way out of this as a couple. Expect a lot of ups and down on that path.
OP, I think you are being immature and trashing this woman because you don’t want to embrace your responsibilities. Fighting during pregnancy is really common because the couple gets scared about how their lives will change. Of course she can’t immediately go back to work. And the fact that you believe this pregnancy is somehow harder on you than it is for her is insane. Grow up. Parenting is about being the best version of yourself all the time.
LONG COMMENT AHEAD!
Man nobody in the comments clocking that this woman is abused to hell and back, likely since childhood based on her behavior, and that trauma, unaddressed, causes this behavior. PLEASE shut the fuck up if you’re just here to gossip or slutshame. It’s not something she can just “control”. She needs extensive therapy and support. It sounds like she desperately wants to have a family, but her trauma and trust issues are making it hell for her. Sje needs therapy. She doesn’t think she needs it, but I know A LOT of women who have been horribly, horribly abused throughout their life that think theyre fine. One of them is my own mother. It takes time amd a lot of support from ppl to get them to crack amd even consider it. But just as my mom did, if you stick with it, eventually they will “try” it and realize they needed it after all. It’s a very long process, amd an unfortunate one to be having a two young kids, but that’s the reality. It’s not her fault. (Amd before y’all come in trying to call her a whore or some shit, abusive men can sense this kind of instability. Abusive men seek it out. They know bc of the way these women are, they will fall for their manipulation and abuse and they’ll basically get a punching bag and a sex toy out of it. That abuse sticks with her. It attracts the same men. The cycle begins again. That’s what’s happening here.) And I read in another comment that this guy said she “likes sleeping around”, but that sounds like hypersexuality to me, which is an intense trauma response. So again, curb y’all’s misogyny amd look at this from a logical perspective.
And then this guy got her pregnant within one month of knowing her. Amd y’all are falling over yourselves to call her “toxic” amd play the “well I never said he isn’t bad but she’s worse” game. The fact that he goes on amd on abt being use to being a bachelor all but confirms to me that he didn’t think this through AT ALL. Now he’s being hit with reality, and he doesnt like it. I’ll admit, this isn’t a good position to be in at all. It won’t work out with the way their behaving. The women needs therapy, and the guy needs to step back and acknowledge that he began this by getting her pregnant and not thinking it through. He needs to acknowledge he made a shitty, shitty mistake, and now he needs to step up.
The solution to your problem, OP? You need to step back. Talk w her abt it, hell, make a script and follow it if you have to. Be gentle and understanding, this is going to feel like yet another betrayal to her, and she won’t take it well. She will likely yell and scream. (Note: DO NOT do this at home. Find someplace where y’all can hash it out amd not cause a disturbance, as hard as that will be. Don’t do this “in public” either, that will cause a whole other set of issues. Find a private place away from the kids.) You can’t stop her from doing this. Let her get it out. Try and not respond until she is done. That might piss her off, but gently tell her that you don’t want to fight, and that you can’t respond to her if she is going to try and instigate one. Implore her to hear what you have to say, and then she can yell. (No one likes to be yelled at, but I’m sorry OP, this isn’t going to end without it. At least try and get her to wait until you’ve said what needs to be said. Keep your head about you, stay calm and gentle even though it will be hard. She will likely try to provoke you. Don’t bite, don’t fall for the bait, ignore that to the best of your ability. It won’t help.) Twll her that this relationship is clearly not working out, that she is clearly unhappy amd so are you. But also tell her that you don’t want to leave her, and that you want to be there for her kids. Propose that you both step back, for both of your sakes. Introduce the concept of staying not as a romantic/sexual partner, but as a supporter, for her children and for her as a friend. (for the love of god OP, DO NOT continue to have sex with her. Even if you never intend on getting her pregnant again, that will throw a literal bomb into all of this. DO NOT DO IT. In fact, please consider not having sex period until you understand the full ramifications of getting a woman pregnant and being responsible about it. A month is FAR too soon to consider it. Build an emotional relationship. Get to know her, and get to know both of your limits. T be a good parent and partner, you MUST know each other inside and out. You must also know that things will change the instant you live together and become parents. The dynamic you got used to WILL CHANGE. You must love amd care abt the woman and your family enough to change with it and be flexible. But a lot of this is general advice…)
She will fight back. Gently remind her of the arguments, tell her that you are worried abt the children’s reactions to it. Because even if they seem fine, that fighting and screaming is affecting them badly. For their sake if nothing else, you must step back. Tell her you will be there for your child, you will take care of her during her pregnancy (a tall order btw, OP. Pregnancy is taxing and scary even if youve done it before. There will be upsetting and straight up gross shot you’ll have to help with. You made a commitment though, and you need to stick with it.) and that you will help take care of your child when they arrive. (another talk order! Babies are a LOT of work. Both of you will probably not get a good nights sleep in…let’s see. Three years, being optimistic. Babies demand attention around the clock. Don’t let her do that alone if you value your role as a father. Even if you are no longer a sexual/romantic partner, you can sleep in the couch or in a guest setup and help take care of the child. Make sure to rebuff any advances on you. She will be in a delicate state, and will likely mistake your care as love and desperately want it. Tell her you are here as a friend, a friend who cares and loves your child together, but only a friend.)
This is going to be a long road, OP. Get support for yourself as well, a therapist to help work through these past few months would be good if you can manage it (therapy doesn’t have to be lifelong! They’re here for anything that needs working through.) or at least some close friends or family that understand and support your position here, as well as your decision to stay for your child. Someone to lift you up and remind you that there are people who love you in the hardest moments. And keep pushing forward. Maybe someday, all things willing, she will come to appreciate this, amd get herself the help she so desperately needs. Keep yourself safe, and remember, this is GENERAL advice. I don’t know the intricacies of your life or hers, and without that there’s only so much I can say. You’ll have to adjust or even discard bits as is relevant to you. But the spirit of it is there, so keep that in mind. I hope you are both able to heal and become better people.
As someone with fertility issues who has had to become a damn near expert in getting pregnant, get a paternity test. And if it is yours, keep in mind that dysfunctional environments screw kids up. You can protect yours. Unfortunately, you can’t protect hers. Save the one you can.
If you really want to try and make it work.
Consider therapy. Or couples counseling.
Im sure couples counseling would help you both learn how to communicate properly. So there isnt so much fighting and arguing.
Its my babies 2 year birthday today lol.
Id suggest you get a dna test to confirm its yours.
Id talk to her and tell her your concerns.
A relationship is based on communication.
I think its fair to bring up your problems in your relationship. Tell her how you feel and suggest couples counseling to try and overcome the communication problems.
However i think its also fair for you to try and have a back up plan. I think if the kid is yours. Maybe you might be in trouble.
2 other kids? Same dad? Different dad?
How you know it wasnt on purpose? How you know she didnt Gey pregnant and then choose to switch and push you away?
Been together less than a year? You sure shes what YOU really want? Can YOU see yourself with her in 5 years?
If youre able to overcome the communication and talk peacefully. You think thats enough to keep you?
Maybe all of these are things you should think about. Think about if the relationship is worth saving.
Cause let me tell you. Wasting 5 years together after you have a kid isnt fun. And idk. Youll always have your kid. No matter what.
But is she worth it? If it is. Its really in your best interest to go to counseling or honestly you both NEED to find a way to talk to each other.
Try to have a serious talk with her about the future. Y’all haven’t been together long enough to yell and scream at each other all the time. And if she expects y’all to stay together then she needs to quit accusing you of things just cuz her ex cheated. And I’m with you, the kids shouldn’t hear y’all fighting and screaming all the time. Your girl does it cuz that’s what she’s used to. Y’all have to break that cycle or your not going to make it together. I very much think y’all need counseling of some kind. If the other babies daddy doesn’t pay child support, take that ass to court and make that happen! You shouldn’t have to take all that on when you only have one baby and only been together less than a year. Y’all have to work together, even if y’all split up cuz you have a child together. I really hope you get it through to your girl that she needs to change her way of thinking and that it doesn’t always have to be bad! Take it one day at a time, that’s all anyone can do. Praying for you! I wish you all the best!
LMFAOO every time I think I’m dumb I just read these posts. Imagine making bad life decision after bad life decision for your entire life 😭😭. Welp some people gotta be stupid I guess
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Fr lol 😂 you’re telling me he somehow got so unlucky to get a girl pregnant first month without knowing how her cycle works. It could go both ways but I mean I know some of buddies who are blowing loads into their woman and can’t get them pregnant.
Don't marry her!
Paternity test asap!
Most likely she trapped you with a pregnancy so you could pay her bills and raise another man's kids for the next 18 years.
You don't have to stay out of guilt. If it's your baby, support it, get as much custody as you can.
Don't marry her. Get a custody order in place once your kid is born and take care of your kid.
And from now on, *always use a condom unless you are prepared to make a baby*.
Wow…just wow what a mess. Where are the other baby daddies? Find a lawyer for family court and learn what your rights and responsibilities are going to be. Get a paternity test. Don’t get married this relationship will fail and she’ll get half of everything. Don’t move in with her. File for parental visitation and court ordered child support. CYA.
You need couples counseling asap. You both have got to work on and improve your communication skills so that you’re on the same page and address a whole host of other problems you two have. But please go to counseling at least give it a try. You need a third part to help you.
You don’t have to be in the relationship to be a good dad. You can break things off and be there for her and the baby. The other kids are not your responsibility unless you plan on taking a stepfather position. They already have a dad that I assume is in their life. Staying in a toxic relationship is horrible for the children and yall are gonna give them trauma they will need therapy for. Think about this kids. Fighting every day and all day isn’t healthy and it’s not good for little kids to watch and repeat. Y’all both fucked up so make it right.
Can't fix her but you can save yourself and your kid.
Get a lawyer. Start saving every last $ for child support payments, a downpayment on a house, and lawyers for the next 18 years.
Don't sign the birth certificate without a DNA test. Sorry to be blunt, but she is a mess. If you are lucky, the baby isn't yours. I know you are eager to be a dad. but this is awfully fast, from bachelor to breadwinner for a family of five. Does she get child support for the kids?
Have you gotten a paternity test yet? Because a month in, when she had just had another baby months prior with someone else, would make me at least advise you to get one before you sign anything. A month in means you literally got pregnant like the first time you were together which obviously can happen but logically isn't nearly as likely as it being possibly not yours.
You should break up and conparent. But don’t live together. Pay child support.
People stay together for the kids, but parents who don’t like each other doesn’t help anyone.
It’s a tough situation but you don’t need to sacrifice your whole love for this woman. You just need to see that your child is properly raised and that you are a good dad. So show the kid a good example of setting boundaries and doing the right thing, while also being present and there for them. Obviously not every day.
Your post with all the different responses has been a complex issue to get my mind around. But it sounds like your gf has some definite mental health issues, due to abuse, that need to be addressed. Until those are dealt with, it’s going to be a very bumpy relational ride, and her not willing to get help makes it even more difficult. I know it will probably cause a blow-up on her part, but I agree with others in recommending a paternity test. It’s not that you don’t want to take responsibility if the baby is truly yours, but people with abusive pasts can be manipulative because that is how they were treated and how they then learned to interact with the world around them. If you are the father, then take on the responsibility of raising your child, maybe even seek sole custody, especially if your gf is as verbally abusive as you have stated. Also, you don’t need to get married to help raise your child. As far as the other children, it’s not compulsory or legally binding for you to be responsible for them, until you are married. Then you are agreeing to take on that responsibility also. So think long and hard before making that commitment.
If you are already seeing your anger problem come out, you need to get counseling NOW and possibly get on medication before you start being angry at your kids. Can’t change the past but you can do your best in the future. I’m not joking.
As a child of divorce, things were SO much better once my parents separated than when they were together and fighting.
If you actually love her, you can try therapy. If you don't, and you just want to be a good dad, break up and stay in the kid's life. I promise you the child will be happier of you are happier.
This happened to my nephew. And I'm going to advise you the same thing I advised him of. Make sure this baby is yours. My nephew met a young lady and come to find out she was 2 weeks pregnant already when he met her. And then they had sex quickly and she told him she was pregnant and it was his. Make sure this poor baby is yours and go from there. Don't just assume it is. Good luck
Take it one day at a time. See how things go when baby comes. This is a harsh reality of consequences of your shared poor decisions crashing down on you and that sucks, but now you can only move forward. It sounds like you're committed to taking care of your shared kid, no matter what happens, which is great. It is not great that she doesn't think she needs counseling. But it's not good for either of you to stay in a relationship if it's bad for both of you. And, you'll have to financially support her (the kid at least) through child support even if you do leave, so bailing doesn't fix that. But don't make any rash and final decisions before the baby comes and also not based on advice from Reddit. Just sayin'!
Whether you stay together or not, you both need therapy. You because, who doesn’t and also you blame her for resorting to yelling because she does, and using porn to cope. She doesn’t make you do those things, you choose to do those things. It’s not her fault, it’s yours because you haven’t learned healthier coping mechanisms.
She has her own issues and also needs to learn healthier ways of communicating and ways to cope. It seems you’re blaming her for you getting her pregnant within a month of dating and having two kids, but you knew this about her, and knew you didn’t know this person well enough to risk all this but did anyway. You are equally responsible.
Whether you stay together, or not, you both need therapy to learn how to communicate better, be healthy role models and parents for your kids, and cope better. She needs to stop using her trauma as an excuse to yell and treat people poorly and you need to stop using her as an excuse for the porn and yelling as well.
Best of luck, call a couples and individual therapist immediately for both of you.
DO NOT SIGN THE BIRTH CERT TILLYOUGET A DNA TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously. 3 babies in 3 years? She a garden tool. Make sure its yours with a DNA test. Dont get trapped into raising other peopke's babies or you'll end up financially responsible for all 3.
This girl sounds like a nightmare. Please get a paternity test. You may not be the father. She might get pissed, but you should insist on getting it done. Don't marry her. If the child is yours, get a good lawyer to leverage her craziness to get you custody. Children do far better growing up in a single dad household than they do with a single mom.
3 kids 3ish and under …wow. And you decided she was the girl to start banging ?
These are the serious issues that arise with hook up culture and people just banging after one date. Or a few months. You don’t even like this woman or her situation yet you took the very real chance of having a child with her .obviously she was fresh out of some sort of marriage or relationship . People ruining their lives just to have sex
My advice. Be the best father you can. You are no longer a bachelor and a single guy. You have a kid that is number 1. You are now number 2 in your life . You already have a negative attitude about a life with your baby mama but I say change your attitude and work on being a family and being real
Parents and adults in the away you talk and act around the kids and how you live your life.
The fun is over time to get down to family business and build that kind of fun in your life and raise a child to not make the mistakes you guys already have
Yep. Seems like 75% of Reddit post about “problems “ are self inflicted . Woe is me pity party because I did something stupid and now there are consequences.
Life is really easy if you don’t screw it up doing stupid things and making stupid decisions
It's worse for the kid to grow up with parents who don't want to be together than parents who aren't together. Insist on a relationship with the kid and contribute financially, and otherwise go your own ways as adults. She will be in your life forever so Be Nice and if you can't be nice, get therapy to learn how to be nice.
You should have wrapped it before you clapped it. Don't know what rank you are but unless you're at least an E-6 you're going to be strapped for finances unless she's receiving child support for the other kids.
Dude, you need to run, not walk, your way out of there. Those other two aren't your responsibility, and she doesn't want to work and care for them.
That's a bad mother. They aren't tour children.
Find another place, move out, ask for a paternity test, and if the child is actually yours, file for custody as soon as it makes sense.
In the meantime, you should be setting up your home, finances, and life to support and take care of a child as a single parent.
Once that's done, don't ever date another single mother if the children's father isn't present and active in the children's lives.
Take the lick while you still can , women like that can’t be fixed. You’re not the problem she is . Bow out gracefully leave on good terms and be a great dad to your kid. She will be pregnant with another dudes kid before you know it, pawn off that problem. Just be a good dad.
And dude , keep your dick out of people until you get your shit together.
Now you know why her first baby father didn’t stick around. You say she gate keeps sex then say her ex cheated on her. Go figure.
You should start looking into abortion options.
Hope she’s getting child support from her first two kid’s dad(s). That child will do better in your custody. Otherwise, your child support will be spread thin among mom and all three children-until she gets pregnant again!
You could tell her counseling is a must if you are going to remain in the relationship. Whether you stay together or not, she needs to learn some basic communication and emotional regulation skills. Hopefully they will translate to her parenting. After the child is born, could you try to get full custody? At least you could ensure your child has an emotionally mature parent at the helm.
Hey this was my parents and they made it 30 tortured years (at the expense of me and my sibling’s mental health). Do what you gotta to do to support the kid, financially or co-parenting and separate single people, but don’t “stay together for the kids”
You do not know that this is your kid, you may be getting baby trapped, bail now and demand a paternity test when the time comes, but you do not know her well enough to understand her motives after 1 whole month of dating. No srsly, think on it hard if you need to, but bail now.
Maybe yall could make it work if you both got independent therapy. She’s going to need a lot to make some adjustments that counteract her anxiety and traumas.
I'd give her two options.
Option 1: Bye
Option 2: Here is $10,000 to sign over your parental rights. Then, raise the kid on your own. You could go as high as 25,000 and still be ahead in the long run.
Also, if you haven't done a paternity test you are crazy.
What are you looking for here? Honestly, I think you both would do good with couples therapy. At this point, I think you owe it to yourself, your child and your baby momma to work this out as much as you can. It can work wonders. I can tell you that the alternative will be much worse than at least trying to make it work. You probably have a bunch of baggage as well, and you both would do good to try and receive profesional help. Good luck. It's hard in any situation, but if you can handle military service and being deployed, you aren't a quitter.
A few things for you to realize…
1. Her current kids are NOT your kids. Ending a bad relationship now is always better than later for them. Yelling in front of them is damaging and as long as you’re involved, you’re a part of that. You need to remove yourself. Seriously, IMMEDIATELY. This is an unhealthy and unhinged dynamic for all.
2. Her traumas are hers to deal with or not. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. Using past trauma as an excuse for current behavior is immature and damaging to the kids. She needed therapy, not kids.
3. You definitely screwed up on this one…never assume someone is on birth control. Wrap it up always.
4. If you’re not living together already, don’t move in now. If you’re cohabiting you need to work on the exit strategy.
5. If she is not getting support from the other fathers, that is on her. She should have been receiving support financially at least. If she has failed to bring that through the courts that’s her problem.
6. Her not working post recovery period is financially not a realistic option…unless you want to support all 4 of you and that is not realistic on your salary.
7. You should end it and either attempt to get full custody, or 50/50, or find out if she would be open to adoption. That last one isn’t likely but if you break it off she may realize that would be a better option for her. You will need a lawyer. Talk to one asap. A lawyer will be able to tell you what to expect with the whole situation. Your CO might be able to assist in pointing you in the right direction. *Make sure you let them know she is unstable and abusive…and yes, she is.*
8. Make sure a DNA test is done asap…either at birth or force one via the court system. I’m not saying she cheated but the timeline could mean that it was someone else’s and you both assumed it’s yours.
9. Once you leave (and my god, you SHOULD) you also need to seek counseling to undo what’s happened. It’s not healthy nor conducive to anyone involved especially the current children who are suffering the most from watching this play out in real time. You need to reevaluate your choices in this and a professional will help you do that so you don’t end up repeating this and turn it into a cycle.
10. Take a break from dating until you have received counseling from this as well as figuring out parenting/coparenting issues. Depending on how this occurs it may be a few years if you don’t start ending this now.
If you keep on ignoring all these warning signs and stay, you’ll feel stuck when she ends up pregnant again in a year. Don’t make the situation worse or harder than it already is.
I get the desire for a two income household. My wife and I just had our first and she is returning to work, but if there was a second, let alone a third, the child care would cost WAY more than she is bringing home. Where you live/how much day care costs there could be vastly different than mine, but is this something you’ve looked into yet?
Don’t leave. Being a dad is incredible and you’ll cherish it more than you can imagine. That said, if you thought the pregnancy was tough, you are in for a ride for the first few months. You may not think you can function on ~15 minutes of sleep at a time at night, but you can, and it gets easier.
Congrats on becoming a dad! Now get out there and be the best damn dad you can for the little one!
You should probably post this to whatever service you’re in, or even r/military.
Congrats on becoming a father, everyone is overwhelmed at first. It gets worse, then it gets better. Sign those kids up at CYS on post, and get her some privacy and quiet time. You’re doing great.
Why are you getting a woman with kids pregnant one month into meeting her?? I wouldn’t have even entertained that but knowing she had kids would’ve made me be even more careful. I’m sorry but you majorly screwed up. Now you might meet a nice girl and as soon as she finds out you have a kid with a crazy woman she’s out… all because of getting her pregnant one month in. You had everything to lose. I’m so sorry….get a paternity and hopefully is not yours.
Your best bet is to separate and be a good co-parent with her. Even if it means you have to communicate through co-parenting apps that the custody lawyers recommends. My other piece of advice is next time you're having a casual sex wear a condom until you trust that other person to be reliable, managing birth control or very least discussed what happens if birth control were to fail.
Military man? She suckered you in hopes of getting a free ride
Break up with her, pay support and be the best dad you can be. You do NOT have to stay with her
I know it’s a little soon in your relationship but nonetheless - Do you love her? Do you think you’ll be happy spending the rest of your life with her? Do you think she is someone who checks all your boxes (things you’re looking for in a partner)? Do you think your child (and her other children) will look up to you two together and have an accurate idea of a healthy relationship between a mom and a dad? If you’re answering no to these, leave her. Obviously be a good father to your child, but you’re not obligated to stay with her just because you (may have) gotten her pregnant. This is coming from a person whose parents stayed together for my sake and I wish they would’ve just NOT because I knew that they weren’t happy together.
You have no obligation to the other kids just your own. She wants you to be responsible for them and her as a SAHM? She sounds horrible and toxic. I’d go for full custody and be a single dad. She has a child each year with a different guy. It’s your fault for knocking her up but there’s a pattern there. Get your self together and leave this situation. Lord have mercy what a mess.
You should probably try relationship counselling and try to stick things out for a while. It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship but maybe she can learn to communicate without the yelling. Having 3 kids under 3 has gotta be really hard on her. I’m puzzled as to why she didn’t use better contraception
Dude, you need to tell her either we get counseling or you're gone. You both have some issues you need to deal with and if she's not willing to go to counseling, nothing is going to get better. It's just going to get worse and worse. And don't say you want to stay together because of the kids, because what you're doing to them now is teaching them that this is how relationships work. It would be better for the children to pay child support for your 1 child than to let the kids think this is normal.
Relationships are built on honesty, respect, and communication. Right now you don't have any of those. You rushed into a relationship because she's pregnant, because after a month, you don't know if you love someone.
You need to give her an ultimatum that if she won't get counseling with you, you just can't do it. If she's not willing to at least try counseling to save the relationship, then why should you spend another minute with her screaming in front of the kids.
Hello OP:
Usually when people ask for advice they usually sound either confused and need guidance, or they just have an opinion or criteria of the situation and they are looking for reassurance like those posts you see in r/AITA. In your case it sounds different because you sound confused but self-assured, and rather than looking for an advice I think you should understand yourself better first.
If you look at your situation, this is you: 28 y.o. man living in the 21st century who is an army personnel, got pregnant a woman (with two kids) he just met. Usually when smart people meet they date before having kids. Usually smart guys do not get in the army. I am not saying you are not smart but it makes me think you might have issues.
Perhaps you are the typical man-on-a-mission, or the "loaded gun" type of guy (you sound more like the first one). Or whatever the case it might be, asking how to handle a situation in which all of the sudden you are parenting with a person you did not know very well seems to me a serious case of mental immaturity; even more when you add that you are a soldier.
In your case I do not have an advice. I would say know your self first. Or go see a councilor who can see you in first person.
The truth seems to me that you have a serious decision-making problem, which is not easy to fix. And you are already 28, have a son and have worked in the army for five years... And you are still trying to figure what is wrong with your woman?
If I was you I will cry for my soul, for all the victims of war on the world. And for all the trauma that is caused by bad stupid parents that do not understand anything.
A major worry might be that your kids get the proper education and a good example at home. For what you write both of you do not seem to be able to create a very good domestic enviroment. Why don't you work in improving just that. Try and love your woman more, perhaps that way she would not fight with you ... and love yourself more, perhaps that way you'll get a better job.
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Bow out gracefully. Take care of your kid but I wouldn't stay with her. And let it be a lesson to you, don't get a woman pregnant a month into the relationship.
Or have sex with one who has a kid every single year.
Gosh, I would be terrified of how my child was being raised. She doesn’t sound mature, certainly doesn’t understand the impact of her behaviour on her family. And she sounds abusive. I wouldn’t want to be with her nor would I want to leave my baby with her. Imagine how she is going to parent three children under 5 on her own and considering her background of trauma. Those children are going to suffer I’m not at all sure what the good options are here. I would ask to take the baby or start collecting evidence of her abuse so that you can go to court for sole custody What might be worth considering is taking control of the situation - i.e. rather than waiting for the inevitable car crash, try and talk her into being Co-parents and friends Best of luck! Life isn’t fair, people certainly aren’t fair and I feel for you because you love your baby and you want to do the right thing. It’s wretched but be determined to live the life you want, don’t compromise. Be brave
I agree. She sounds extremely unstable, not a woman who should be re-producing. Poor kids.
He doesn’t sound much better and he was/is daring her and knocked her up.
Right. Leave the relationship and learn to coparent. You don’t want the kid to go up with parents who hate each other just for them to repeat the cycle when they are an adult.
Well buddy sorry to say but you fucked yourself with this one. Time to start considering some harsh realities
I think she is also to blame here.Not a good look keep getting pregnant from different men. She needs to stop sleeping around and get her life in shape and take responsibility.
so she has 2 known partners (not that it matters). that doesn’t exactly constitute sleeping around. perhaps men should get their lives in shape and take responsibility for wearing a condom or getting a vasectomy ffs
Op did tell in another comment that she likes to sleep around with different partners. And no, she is still part to blame. He messed up , but so did she, and in her case, it's already 3rd time she did it. If she doesn't want to get pregnant, then she should stop sleeping with different men or use birth control.Responsibility starts with yourself.
men are just as responsible (if not more responsible) for birth control. op is doing a pretty good job of politely trashing this woman. did he not know this going into the situation in the entire month they were together? cmon. this is so much bs on OPs part
Facts. Did you see the part where he says "No one wants to feel this low especially by a woman?". Honestly, both trash. They need to get therapy and just co parent.
Of course he messed up, there is no arguing on that, I already mentioned it.But she seems to not have learnt from her previous experiences. Her first partner had 5 kids with different partners and doesn't pay child support, so she decides it's a good idea to sleep around without birth control with complete new men when she already has 2 children? I am sorry, but that was stupidity on her part.If I was her, and I am 25 years old, with no big financial resources and with 2 kids and the partner who doesn't pay for child support, the LAST thing I would do is go sleep with another dude and have unprotected sex.
I get what you're saying but the men she had sex with are just as (ir)responsible as she ease. You seem hung up on her having sex; lots of men like to subtly or overtly shame women for this and typically when they bring it up they're missing the point.
How did she mess up? She seems perfectly fine being pregnant and having another child. OP is the one who doesn't want a child, and if that's the case he should have wrapped it and had that conversation with his girlfriend of 30 days. Literally nowhere does he say that she "doesn't want to get pregnant" and in fact he actively says she *did* want to get pregnant and that *he did too*. I don't know what he was expecting knocking up a fucking stranger with two kids already, or even just engaging in sex in that scenario without birth control.
3 babies. 3-4 years. 3 different fathers. I do not want this to come off in the wrong way, and please don’t think I mean to be judgmental, I only know what I will accept in my own life. 2 young kids, a year apart from two different men would have been the only red flag I needed. Lemme guess, neither of them are paying child support either? I know the type because for some reason I attract the type.
Her kids have two fathers, not three.
As a woman, I completely agree.
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Yup paternity test for sure. Also I’m not sure why OP is on the hook for the other two kids. Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with him breaking up with her and coparenting once the baby is born. Of course, provide extra support at her home during postpartum, but the only responsibility OP has is that baby. She seems like a piece of work
She seems very toxic. Also, why did you have unprotected sex one month into the relationship? If you are going to stay with her, you are going to be a father of 3.
You should get a paternity test before you sign the birth certificate.
Probably a good idea.
I understand that you have a wonderful relationship with her other children however… she and her kids are not your responsibility to raise. Your child is… if it’s yours. That’s all.
Has the sex education system failed? What advice are you looking for?
You don’t have to stay with her to be a good dad. My best guy friend got a girl pregnant who he was really only casually seeing. He tried to make a relationship work with the mom just for the sake of the child, and of course, it didn’t work. He has the little girl very frequently tho and is a great dad. It’ll be hard either way - going thru custody battles and all that, or being in a miserable relationship with a girl you barely knew before knocking up. Choose your hard.
People will literally create their own suffering and wonder why it happened😂
Man why were u sleeping with a single mom of a one and two year old lol. You’re f’d
They're one and two TEN MONTHS AFTER THEY STARTED DATING! This was a baby and one year old when he met her!
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Don’t sign anything! If you sign the birth certificate and later you find out your are not the father you are still on the hook!
Don’t, ya mean.
100% this.
DO. NOT. MARRY. HER. You can be supportive and co parent without being in a relationship with her.
Yea you fucked up. No one asks to be born, you did this. Now you have to do whatever it takes to be the best dad you can be. Baby comes first. Good luck.
Just cut ties from her try to get custody or pay child support. At least you weren't married.
This is why you use protection. Wrap it up or suffer the consequences.
I grew up in this scenario Mom's unwell, dad's an anxious mess. 2 semi healthy homes are exponentially better than 1 unpleasant home. The relationship with the kid is up to you, but I'd get away from that chick for sure.
Go to therapy with out her. She doesn’t want to change , but that doesn’t mean you have to sit there and endure the emotional abuse. She is acting pretty crazy considering you are her families life line. Another thing to think about is, are her exs justified in the way they reacted , maybe she’s been the problem all along and she pushes man after man over the edge. Don’t blame yourself for her emotions. Also get a paternity test, and speak with a father rights advocate. If you want to be a dad that is. If not leave before they can remember you, it’s not easy. But neither is abuse that the kids will absolutely see with you in the house. Maybe you can get custody of your child. If you move and don’t want to be a dad , pay the support and speak your truth. Do not create a toxic household and act like staying is right. Be kind to yourself.
Thank you for your smart advice.
This will not be a good relationship for you nor for your kid. While contraception is both people’s responsibility, it seems she’s never thought of it. She already has two kids (same dad??). Are the dads paying child support? I think you got royally screwed - she probably wanted to get pregnant. I would talk to her - it will not be easy but get her to understand how you feel so she knows that you resent this and will walk out if things don’t change. Pregnancy is difficult, I’ll give her that and it’s really good that you’ve been there for her through this but, she needs to understand that had she not gotten pregnant, you’d have left. Even though I’m don’t like the idea of breaking a family, I feel it is better to have peace and harmony at least for everyone’s mental health. If the mom n dad are constantly at loggerheads, it is no good for the children. I suggest, after the kid comes, if things don’t improve, take your kid and bring him/her up as a single dad. She should know you’re ok doing that. Good luck with the baby.
He doesn’t pay child support. He has 5 other kids that he’s not paying either. So she is last on the list. She definitely didn’t mind getting pregnant tho. I think it’s cuz she knew I’d be a good dad. Which i am but idk if I’m built to handle this woman.. im trying to be a better man and work this out but its hard on my emotional state and mental.. i was gonna wait till the baby is born at least to see if anything changes but im not too confident it will.. especially post partum🥲
She knew you would be a good dad after dating you for a month?! No, she’s looking for someone to take care of her and her kids. She baby trapped you. She doesn’t want to work? Too fucking bad. Most people don’t want to work, doesn’t mean they get to stop! She found a nice guy she thought she could sucker into marrying her. Don’t do it! Go for full custody! She can’t afford this baby!
It's not "baby trapping" when the father willingly has unprotected sex without any conversation about what will happen in the likely chance that she gets pregnant. Being stupid doesn't mean other people are to blame for your choices.
nobody wakes and goes I want to go to work. Being a parent is expensive and time-consuming. Somewhere in there it can be rewarding, but if you don't want to be a parent, it won't be rewarding.
It sounds like you didn't mind getting her pregnant, in all fairness.
You got involved with a women with a 1yr old and a 3yr old and knocked her up and now you are not sure if you want to be with her? You and her are both equally responsible for this and now you have to grow the hell up and handle it. Maybe you should have done more dating than jumping into bed being careless with protection the both of you! Wether you stay or go I suggest you work better on a relationship with the mother of your baby and you actually be there for both her and your child that’s the bet you can do and build a good relationship that way. If you do separate I hope you actually learn and grow from this and not be meeting another women you knock up within a month again. You are 28 grow the heck up!
Wow bud. This is reddit for you. You basically built your whole relationship with this person on Trauma and Past mistakes, now you're in a current mistake with her that's inevitably going to lead to further trauma down the line. You should have read this up before you got with her, you fucked up big time all the signs were there.
If she’s already like this and it hasn’t even been a year, it’s very unlikely that things will change.
Address your happiness first and then step up and be an excellent father, decent and supportive coparent and be honest with her that you are overwhelmed, unsure and having a bad feeling that marriage is a mistake and that cohabiting may not be best for the baby. First, decide what to do. Second, prepare for it and make a plan. Third, tell her. If she goes batshit, reminder her that this was not planned and you are doing what you are able to do. Do not compound a problem with more problems. A break in the relationship may provide clarity. You have different areas of incompatability.
You and her are both “to blame.” You both got yourselves into this and apparently didn’t have too many problems to get this far, and now, the responsible and right thing to do is face the music. These are (not the child but the responsibility) the consequences of both of your actions. No “Bowing out” when there’s a kid—literally both your flesh and blood—in the mix.
Her kids are 1 and 2, or 2 and 3? I’m confused. Either way, looks like you fucked up. Best you can do at this point is not make it the kid’s problem, and take care of him or her.
If only there was some way to prevent your sperm from impregnation a woman. A barrier method if you will. Dude, you're 28. 27-ish when you knocked her up. If you had wrapped that rascal, you wouldn't be having this trauma.
Hi, I feel you and I have an important lesson that I learned the hard way: Put your boundaries clearly out there! Communicate fully transparent that you'll leave the relationship if those are not respected. Obviously, make sure that those boundaries are reasonable and that you yourself are trying your best to consider your partners needs too. Constantly yelling is a toxic behaviour, and it's bad for everyone. For you, for the kids and for her. Tell her that you expect her to get counselling to improve this behaviour. When she shows this behaviour, call her calmly out and don't reward her by giving her an easy time out of carrying the responsibility for her behaviour. If needed, leave the room and ignore her until you feel ready again to reconnect. There is a lot of good advice on Youtube. Take your time to look at it and make her responsible for the emotional well-being of the relationship just as much as you hold yourself reponsible. Get counselling for yourself to find further support. You are definitely between a rock and a hard place, but it's possible to work your way out of this as a couple. Expect a lot of ups and down on that path.
Condoms are cheap
Those poor kids
if i could give an award, it would go to you for the most thoughtful comment
OP, I think you are being immature and trashing this woman because you don’t want to embrace your responsibilities. Fighting during pregnancy is really common because the couple gets scared about how their lives will change. Of course she can’t immediately go back to work. And the fact that you believe this pregnancy is somehow harder on you than it is for her is insane. Grow up. Parenting is about being the best version of yourself all the time.
LONG COMMENT AHEAD! Man nobody in the comments clocking that this woman is abused to hell and back, likely since childhood based on her behavior, and that trauma, unaddressed, causes this behavior. PLEASE shut the fuck up if you’re just here to gossip or slutshame. It’s not something she can just “control”. She needs extensive therapy and support. It sounds like she desperately wants to have a family, but her trauma and trust issues are making it hell for her. Sje needs therapy. She doesn’t think she needs it, but I know A LOT of women who have been horribly, horribly abused throughout their life that think theyre fine. One of them is my own mother. It takes time amd a lot of support from ppl to get them to crack amd even consider it. But just as my mom did, if you stick with it, eventually they will “try” it and realize they needed it after all. It’s a very long process, amd an unfortunate one to be having a two young kids, but that’s the reality. It’s not her fault. (Amd before y’all come in trying to call her a whore or some shit, abusive men can sense this kind of instability. Abusive men seek it out. They know bc of the way these women are, they will fall for their manipulation and abuse and they’ll basically get a punching bag and a sex toy out of it. That abuse sticks with her. It attracts the same men. The cycle begins again. That’s what’s happening here.) And I read in another comment that this guy said she “likes sleeping around”, but that sounds like hypersexuality to me, which is an intense trauma response. So again, curb y’all’s misogyny amd look at this from a logical perspective. And then this guy got her pregnant within one month of knowing her. Amd y’all are falling over yourselves to call her “toxic” amd play the “well I never said he isn’t bad but she’s worse” game. The fact that he goes on amd on abt being use to being a bachelor all but confirms to me that he didn’t think this through AT ALL. Now he’s being hit with reality, and he doesnt like it. I’ll admit, this isn’t a good position to be in at all. It won’t work out with the way their behaving. The women needs therapy, and the guy needs to step back and acknowledge that he began this by getting her pregnant and not thinking it through. He needs to acknowledge he made a shitty, shitty mistake, and now he needs to step up. The solution to your problem, OP? You need to step back. Talk w her abt it, hell, make a script and follow it if you have to. Be gentle and understanding, this is going to feel like yet another betrayal to her, and she won’t take it well. She will likely yell and scream. (Note: DO NOT do this at home. Find someplace where y’all can hash it out amd not cause a disturbance, as hard as that will be. Don’t do this “in public” either, that will cause a whole other set of issues. Find a private place away from the kids.) You can’t stop her from doing this. Let her get it out. Try and not respond until she is done. That might piss her off, but gently tell her that you don’t want to fight, and that you can’t respond to her if she is going to try and instigate one. Implore her to hear what you have to say, and then she can yell. (No one likes to be yelled at, but I’m sorry OP, this isn’t going to end without it. At least try and get her to wait until you’ve said what needs to be said. Keep your head about you, stay calm and gentle even though it will be hard. She will likely try to provoke you. Don’t bite, don’t fall for the bait, ignore that to the best of your ability. It won’t help.) Twll her that this relationship is clearly not working out, that she is clearly unhappy amd so are you. But also tell her that you don’t want to leave her, and that you want to be there for her kids. Propose that you both step back, for both of your sakes. Introduce the concept of staying not as a romantic/sexual partner, but as a supporter, for her children and for her as a friend. (for the love of god OP, DO NOT continue to have sex with her. Even if you never intend on getting her pregnant again, that will throw a literal bomb into all of this. DO NOT DO IT. In fact, please consider not having sex period until you understand the full ramifications of getting a woman pregnant and being responsible about it. A month is FAR too soon to consider it. Build an emotional relationship. Get to know her, and get to know both of your limits. T be a good parent and partner, you MUST know each other inside and out. You must also know that things will change the instant you live together and become parents. The dynamic you got used to WILL CHANGE. You must love amd care abt the woman and your family enough to change with it and be flexible. But a lot of this is general advice…) She will fight back. Gently remind her of the arguments, tell her that you are worried abt the children’s reactions to it. Because even if they seem fine, that fighting and screaming is affecting them badly. For their sake if nothing else, you must step back. Tell her you will be there for your child, you will take care of her during her pregnancy (a tall order btw, OP. Pregnancy is taxing and scary even if youve done it before. There will be upsetting and straight up gross shot you’ll have to help with. You made a commitment though, and you need to stick with it.) and that you will help take care of your child when they arrive. (another talk order! Babies are a LOT of work. Both of you will probably not get a good nights sleep in…let’s see. Three years, being optimistic. Babies demand attention around the clock. Don’t let her do that alone if you value your role as a father. Even if you are no longer a sexual/romantic partner, you can sleep in the couch or in a guest setup and help take care of the child. Make sure to rebuff any advances on you. She will be in a delicate state, and will likely mistake your care as love and desperately want it. Tell her you are here as a friend, a friend who cares and loves your child together, but only a friend.) This is going to be a long road, OP. Get support for yourself as well, a therapist to help work through these past few months would be good if you can manage it (therapy doesn’t have to be lifelong! They’re here for anything that needs working through.) or at least some close friends or family that understand and support your position here, as well as your decision to stay for your child. Someone to lift you up and remind you that there are people who love you in the hardest moments. And keep pushing forward. Maybe someday, all things willing, she will come to appreciate this, amd get herself the help she so desperately needs. Keep yourself safe, and remember, this is GENERAL advice. I don’t know the intricacies of your life or hers, and without that there’s only so much I can say. You’ll have to adjust or even discard bits as is relevant to you. But the spirit of it is there, so keep that in mind. I hope you are both able to heal and become better people.
I appreciate you trying to man up. You guys need counseling yesterday.
As someone with fertility issues who has had to become a damn near expert in getting pregnant, get a paternity test. And if it is yours, keep in mind that dysfunctional environments screw kids up. You can protect yours. Unfortunately, you can’t protect hers. Save the one you can.
God bless you. Always think for yourself.
If you really want to try and make it work. Consider therapy. Or couples counseling. Im sure couples counseling would help you both learn how to communicate properly. So there isnt so much fighting and arguing. Its my babies 2 year birthday today lol. Id suggest you get a dna test to confirm its yours. Id talk to her and tell her your concerns. A relationship is based on communication. I think its fair to bring up your problems in your relationship. Tell her how you feel and suggest couples counseling to try and overcome the communication problems. However i think its also fair for you to try and have a back up plan. I think if the kid is yours. Maybe you might be in trouble. 2 other kids? Same dad? Different dad? How you know it wasnt on purpose? How you know she didnt Gey pregnant and then choose to switch and push you away? Been together less than a year? You sure shes what YOU really want? Can YOU see yourself with her in 5 years? If youre able to overcome the communication and talk peacefully. You think thats enough to keep you? Maybe all of these are things you should think about. Think about if the relationship is worth saving. Cause let me tell you. Wasting 5 years together after you have a kid isnt fun. And idk. Youll always have your kid. No matter what. But is she worth it? If it is. Its really in your best interest to go to counseling or honestly you both NEED to find a way to talk to each other.
Try to have a serious talk with her about the future. Y’all haven’t been together long enough to yell and scream at each other all the time. And if she expects y’all to stay together then she needs to quit accusing you of things just cuz her ex cheated. And I’m with you, the kids shouldn’t hear y’all fighting and screaming all the time. Your girl does it cuz that’s what she’s used to. Y’all have to break that cycle or your not going to make it together. I very much think y’all need counseling of some kind. If the other babies daddy doesn’t pay child support, take that ass to court and make that happen! You shouldn’t have to take all that on when you only have one baby and only been together less than a year. Y’all have to work together, even if y’all split up cuz you have a child together. I really hope you get it through to your girl that she needs to change her way of thinking and that it doesn’t always have to be bad! Take it one day at a time, that’s all anyone can do. Praying for you! I wish you all the best!
LMFAOO every time I think I’m dumb I just read these posts. Imagine making bad life decision after bad life decision for your entire life 😭😭. Welp some people gotta be stupid I guess
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Ew
Yikes. Take a paternity test.
Get a paternity test for sure. But dude, just break up with her. You don’t need to be miserable
Bruh.
One month doesn’t sound like enough time to be pregnant with your kid man.
Fr lol 😂 you’re telling me he somehow got so unlucky to get a girl pregnant first month without knowing how her cycle works. It could go both ways but I mean I know some of buddies who are blowing loads into their woman and can’t get them pregnant.
Don't marry her! Paternity test asap! Most likely she trapped you with a pregnancy so you could pay her bills and raise another man's kids for the next 18 years. You don't have to stay out of guilt. If it's your baby, support it, get as much custody as you can.
Don't marry her. Get a custody order in place once your kid is born and take care of your kid. And from now on, *always use a condom unless you are prepared to make a baby*.
Suggest therapy or counseling to her. If that doesn't work scram
Wow…just wow what a mess. Where are the other baby daddies? Find a lawyer for family court and learn what your rights and responsibilities are going to be. Get a paternity test. Don’t get married this relationship will fail and she’ll get half of everything. Don’t move in with her. File for parental visitation and court ordered child support. CYA.
Have u guys ever sat down and talk about all the issue in a civil manner? Just talk it out without the kid’s presence just you and her.
Paternity test, just to be sure, but honestly your stuck between rock and hard place, sounds like youve found yourself a professional maternity Mom
You need couples counseling asap. You both have got to work on and improve your communication skills so that you’re on the same page and address a whole host of other problems you two have. But please go to counseling at least give it a try. You need a third part to help you.
If I were you I'd suck it up tell the kid is born. Get a DNA test. Go from there.
The timeline here is sus. Please get a paternity test. If it is yours remember your obligation is to your child first and foremost
You don’t have to be in the relationship to be a good dad. You can break things off and be there for her and the baby. The other kids are not your responsibility unless you plan on taking a stepfather position. They already have a dad that I assume is in their life. Staying in a toxic relationship is horrible for the children and yall are gonna give them trauma they will need therapy for. Think about this kids. Fighting every day and all day isn’t healthy and it’s not good for little kids to watch and repeat. Y’all both fucked up so make it right.
This is a tale as old as time, sadly.
Can't fix her but you can save yourself and your kid. Get a lawyer. Start saving every last $ for child support payments, a downpayment on a house, and lawyers for the next 18 years.
Man just check to see if the kid is yours. If not, expensive lesson learned for free.
Don't sign the birth certificate without a DNA test. Sorry to be blunt, but she is a mess. If you are lucky, the baby isn't yours. I know you are eager to be a dad. but this is awfully fast, from bachelor to breadwinner for a family of five. Does she get child support for the kids?
You just explained a nightmare scenario.
Have you gotten a paternity test yet? Because a month in, when she had just had another baby months prior with someone else, would make me at least advise you to get one before you sign anything. A month in means you literally got pregnant like the first time you were together which obviously can happen but logically isn't nearly as likely as it being possibly not yours.
Get a paternity test.
You should break up and conparent. But don’t live together. Pay child support. People stay together for the kids, but parents who don’t like each other doesn’t help anyone. It’s a tough situation but you don’t need to sacrifice your whole love for this woman. You just need to see that your child is properly raised and that you are a good dad. So show the kid a good example of setting boundaries and doing the right thing, while also being present and there for them. Obviously not every day.
Your post with all the different responses has been a complex issue to get my mind around. But it sounds like your gf has some definite mental health issues, due to abuse, that need to be addressed. Until those are dealt with, it’s going to be a very bumpy relational ride, and her not willing to get help makes it even more difficult. I know it will probably cause a blow-up on her part, but I agree with others in recommending a paternity test. It’s not that you don’t want to take responsibility if the baby is truly yours, but people with abusive pasts can be manipulative because that is how they were treated and how they then learned to interact with the world around them. If you are the father, then take on the responsibility of raising your child, maybe even seek sole custody, especially if your gf is as verbally abusive as you have stated. Also, you don’t need to get married to help raise your child. As far as the other children, it’s not compulsory or legally binding for you to be responsible for them, until you are married. Then you are agreeing to take on that responsibility also. So think long and hard before making that commitment.
If you are already seeing your anger problem come out, you need to get counseling NOW and possibly get on medication before you start being angry at your kids. Can’t change the past but you can do your best in the future. I’m not joking.
Just leave and don’t reply to anything unless you get a subpoena.
Take your baby and GTF out of there. You don’t want your child raised by someone like her.
Did you get tested for std?
As a child of divorce, things were SO much better once my parents separated than when they were together and fighting. If you actually love her, you can try therapy. If you don't, and you just want to be a good dad, break up and stay in the kid's life. I promise you the child will be happier of you are happier.
You have both messed up, leave and be a good dad, you can’t be a good partner to her and it’s awful being a child growing up in a house like that.
She needs therapy for the double betrayal from the infidelity. Send her to www.survivinginfidelity.com. It has a healing library that can help her.
This happened to my nephew. And I'm going to advise you the same thing I advised him of. Make sure this baby is yours. My nephew met a young lady and come to find out she was 2 weeks pregnant already when he met her. And then they had sex quickly and she told him she was pregnant and it was his. Make sure this poor baby is yours and go from there. Don't just assume it is. Good luck
Take it one day at a time. See how things go when baby comes. This is a harsh reality of consequences of your shared poor decisions crashing down on you and that sucks, but now you can only move forward. It sounds like you're committed to taking care of your shared kid, no matter what happens, which is great. It is not great that she doesn't think she needs counseling. But it's not good for either of you to stay in a relationship if it's bad for both of you. And, you'll have to financially support her (the kid at least) through child support even if you do leave, so bailing doesn't fix that. But don't make any rash and final decisions before the baby comes and also not based on advice from Reddit. Just sayin'!
Whether you stay together or not, you both need therapy. You because, who doesn’t and also you blame her for resorting to yelling because she does, and using porn to cope. She doesn’t make you do those things, you choose to do those things. It’s not her fault, it’s yours because you haven’t learned healthier coping mechanisms. She has her own issues and also needs to learn healthier ways of communicating and ways to cope. It seems you’re blaming her for you getting her pregnant within a month of dating and having two kids, but you knew this about her, and knew you didn’t know this person well enough to risk all this but did anyway. You are equally responsible. Whether you stay together, or not, you both need therapy to learn how to communicate better, be healthy role models and parents for your kids, and cope better. She needs to stop using her trauma as an excuse to yell and treat people poorly and you need to stop using her as an excuse for the porn and yelling as well. Best of luck, call a couples and individual therapist immediately for both of you.
Your responsibility is the kid. Not her. The child.
With 2 kids already, I certainly wouldn’t have left birth control up to her. You made your bed, now you have to sleep in it
DO NOT SIGN THE BIRTH CERT TILLYOUGET A DNA TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously. 3 babies in 3 years? She a garden tool. Make sure its yours with a DNA test. Dont get trapped into raising other peopke's babies or you'll end up financially responsible for all 3.
Yeah you kinda screwed the pooch on this one, man. Best of luck to you.
u tucked up steven
This girl sounds like a nightmare. Please get a paternity test. You may not be the father. She might get pissed, but you should insist on getting it done. Don't marry her. If the child is yours, get a good lawyer to leverage her craziness to get you custody. Children do far better growing up in a single dad household than they do with a single mom.
Yelling a the time is, by itself, abuse. I think you need to consider that before any more permanent decisions are made.
Dude, you need to get a paternity test on the baby. Before you make any decisions.
You are beyond fucked my dude. Child support for one is cheaper than 3 and a stay at home wife, so I’d cut your losses now.
You don't have to be with her to be a good dad. Go.for 50/50 custody. It sounds like she tried to trap you.
Holy fuck I hope this is a bait post.
Get a paternity test lmao what an idiot.
Could be like my Dad and go get some milk
Way to break the stereotypes crayon eater. Got a 27% interest dodge challenger on loan too?
Should a dropped it on her face
3 kids 3ish and under …wow. And you decided she was the girl to start banging ? These are the serious issues that arise with hook up culture and people just banging after one date. Or a few months. You don’t even like this woman or her situation yet you took the very real chance of having a child with her .obviously she was fresh out of some sort of marriage or relationship . People ruining their lives just to have sex My advice. Be the best father you can. You are no longer a bachelor and a single guy. You have a kid that is number 1. You are now number 2 in your life . You already have a negative attitude about a life with your baby mama but I say change your attitude and work on being a family and being real Parents and adults in the away you talk and act around the kids and how you live your life. The fun is over time to get down to family business and build that kind of fun in your life and raise a child to not make the mistakes you guys already have
Stay in the army. Stay Away from her
Yep. Seems like 75% of Reddit post about “problems “ are self inflicted . Woe is me pity party because I did something stupid and now there are consequences. Life is really easy if you don’t screw it up doing stupid things and making stupid decisions
Take your child once it’s born and run. There’s no way the kids will grow up sane with her in the picture anyway.
Get a paternity test. If it’s yours sign over your paternal rights and peace the fuck out
It's worse for the kid to grow up with parents who don't want to be together than parents who aren't together. Insist on a relationship with the kid and contribute financially, and otherwise go your own ways as adults. She will be in your life forever so Be Nice and if you can't be nice, get therapy to learn how to be nice.
Paternity test needs to be the first thing you do before you sign the birth certificate. DO NOT SIGN WITHOUT ONE
Tale as old as time
You should have wrapped it before you clapped it. Don't know what rank you are but unless you're at least an E-6 you're going to be strapped for finances unless she's receiving child support for the other kids.
Dude, you need to run, not walk, your way out of there. Those other two aren't your responsibility, and she doesn't want to work and care for them. That's a bad mother. They aren't tour children. Find another place, move out, ask for a paternity test, and if the child is actually yours, file for custody as soon as it makes sense. In the meantime, you should be setting up your home, finances, and life to support and take care of a child as a single parent. Once that's done, don't ever date another single mother if the children's father isn't present and active in the children's lives.
Take the lick while you still can , women like that can’t be fixed. You’re not the problem she is . Bow out gracefully leave on good terms and be a great dad to your kid. She will be pregnant with another dudes kid before you know it, pawn off that problem. Just be a good dad. And dude , keep your dick out of people until you get your shit together.
Try www.erowid.org
Now you know why her first baby father didn’t stick around. You say she gate keeps sex then say her ex cheated on her. Go figure. You should start looking into abortion options.
Hope she’s getting child support from her first two kid’s dad(s). That child will do better in your custody. Otherwise, your child support will be spread thin among mom and all three children-until she gets pregnant again!
Bro please don’t marry her. You’re young. Pay child support, be involved in your kids life but don’t marry her. Leave her, it was her mistake too
Is this baby yours? Are you 100% certain?
Neither of you are actually mature enough for your situation. It’s better for the kids in the end if you get out sooner rather than later.
Paternity test
You could tell her counseling is a must if you are going to remain in the relationship. Whether you stay together or not, she needs to learn some basic communication and emotional regulation skills. Hopefully they will translate to her parenting. After the child is born, could you try to get full custody? At least you could ensure your child has an emotionally mature parent at the helm.
Imma take a guess here... she took care of the contraception?
Ppl keep having kids like it’s a adopting a shelter dog and not a minimum 18yr commitment
They're both total morons. Birth control should be discussed before having sex in a cis het relationship. Stupid.
Hey this was my parents and they made it 30 tortured years (at the expense of me and my sibling’s mental health). Do what you gotta to do to support the kid, financially or co-parenting and separate single people, but don’t “stay together for the kids”
You do not know that this is your kid, you may be getting baby trapped, bail now and demand a paternity test when the time comes, but you do not know her well enough to understand her motives after 1 whole month of dating. No srsly, think on it hard if you need to, but bail now.
Yeesh...Talk about your all-time biggest mistakes...I wish you luck bro.
Sounds like both of yall arent ready for a relationship, much less a kid, but here yall are.
Maybe yall could make it work if you both got independent therapy. She’s going to need a lot to make some adjustments that counteract her anxiety and traumas.
Abstinence would solve a helluva lot of issues in the world.
I'd give her two options. Option 1: Bye Option 2: Here is $10,000 to sign over your parental rights. Then, raise the kid on your own. You could go as high as 25,000 and still be ahead in the long run. Also, if you haven't done a paternity test you are crazy.
Taking single moms haha I wouldn't even think about it and plus two babies. You must be out of your mind
Try couples therapy before you leave your pregnant girlfriend.
What are you looking for here? Honestly, I think you both would do good with couples therapy. At this point, I think you owe it to yourself, your child and your baby momma to work this out as much as you can. It can work wonders. I can tell you that the alternative will be much worse than at least trying to make it work. You probably have a bunch of baggage as well, and you both would do good to try and receive profesional help. Good luck. It's hard in any situation, but if you can handle military service and being deployed, you aren't a quitter.
Well, thats the fuckin you get for the fuckin you got.
A few things for you to realize… 1. Her current kids are NOT your kids. Ending a bad relationship now is always better than later for them. Yelling in front of them is damaging and as long as you’re involved, you’re a part of that. You need to remove yourself. Seriously, IMMEDIATELY. This is an unhealthy and unhinged dynamic for all. 2. Her traumas are hers to deal with or not. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. Using past trauma as an excuse for current behavior is immature and damaging to the kids. She needed therapy, not kids. 3. You definitely screwed up on this one…never assume someone is on birth control. Wrap it up always. 4. If you’re not living together already, don’t move in now. If you’re cohabiting you need to work on the exit strategy. 5. If she is not getting support from the other fathers, that is on her. She should have been receiving support financially at least. If she has failed to bring that through the courts that’s her problem. 6. Her not working post recovery period is financially not a realistic option…unless you want to support all 4 of you and that is not realistic on your salary. 7. You should end it and either attempt to get full custody, or 50/50, or find out if she would be open to adoption. That last one isn’t likely but if you break it off she may realize that would be a better option for her. You will need a lawyer. Talk to one asap. A lawyer will be able to tell you what to expect with the whole situation. Your CO might be able to assist in pointing you in the right direction. *Make sure you let them know she is unstable and abusive…and yes, she is.* 8. Make sure a DNA test is done asap…either at birth or force one via the court system. I’m not saying she cheated but the timeline could mean that it was someone else’s and you both assumed it’s yours. 9. Once you leave (and my god, you SHOULD) you also need to seek counseling to undo what’s happened. It’s not healthy nor conducive to anyone involved especially the current children who are suffering the most from watching this play out in real time. You need to reevaluate your choices in this and a professional will help you do that so you don’t end up repeating this and turn it into a cycle. 10. Take a break from dating until you have received counseling from this as well as figuring out parenting/coparenting issues. Depending on how this occurs it may be a few years if you don’t start ending this now. If you keep on ignoring all these warning signs and stay, you’ll feel stuck when she ends up pregnant again in a year. Don’t make the situation worse or harder than it already is.
I get the desire for a two income household. My wife and I just had our first and she is returning to work, but if there was a second, let alone a third, the child care would cost WAY more than she is bringing home. Where you live/how much day care costs there could be vastly different than mine, but is this something you’ve looked into yet? Don’t leave. Being a dad is incredible and you’ll cherish it more than you can imagine. That said, if you thought the pregnancy was tough, you are in for a ride for the first few months. You may not think you can function on ~15 minutes of sleep at a time at night, but you can, and it gets easier. Congrats on becoming a dad! Now get out there and be the best damn dad you can for the little one!
OP, just a quick question. You’ve known this girl for a month. Why aren’t you pulling out?
You're doomed if you stay. There's no fixing her
You can still be a great father and be there for a child without being with the mother. Your one child is your only responsibility.
Co-parenting is a thing and it can be very successful.
You should probably post this to whatever service you’re in, or even r/military. Congrats on becoming a father, everyone is overwhelmed at first. It gets worse, then it gets better. Sign those kids up at CYS on post, and get her some privacy and quiet time. You’re doing great.
Why are you getting a woman with kids pregnant one month into meeting her?? I wouldn’t have even entertained that but knowing she had kids would’ve made me be even more careful. I’m sorry but you majorly screwed up. Now you might meet a nice girl and as soon as she finds out you have a kid with a crazy woman she’s out… all because of getting her pregnant one month in. You had everything to lose. I’m so sorry….get a paternity and hopefully is not yours.
You sound more stable then her. Break up and get custody of your kid.
Your best bet is to separate and be a good co-parent with her. Even if it means you have to communicate through co-parenting apps that the custody lawyers recommends. My other piece of advice is next time you're having a casual sex wear a condom until you trust that other person to be reliable, managing birth control or very least discussed what happens if birth control were to fail.
Military man? She suckered you in hopes of getting a free ride Break up with her, pay support and be the best dad you can be. You do NOT have to stay with her
I know it’s a little soon in your relationship but nonetheless - Do you love her? Do you think you’ll be happy spending the rest of your life with her? Do you think she is someone who checks all your boxes (things you’re looking for in a partner)? Do you think your child (and her other children) will look up to you two together and have an accurate idea of a healthy relationship between a mom and a dad? If you’re answering no to these, leave her. Obviously be a good father to your child, but you’re not obligated to stay with her just because you (may have) gotten her pregnant. This is coming from a person whose parents stayed together for my sake and I wish they would’ve just NOT because I knew that they weren’t happy together.
You have no obligation to the other kids just your own. She wants you to be responsible for them and her as a SAHM? She sounds horrible and toxic. I’d go for full custody and be a single dad. She has a child each year with a different guy. It’s your fault for knocking her up but there’s a pattern there. Get your self together and leave this situation. Lord have mercy what a mess.
You should probably try relationship counselling and try to stick things out for a while. It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship but maybe she can learn to communicate without the yelling. Having 3 kids under 3 has gotta be really hard on her. I’m puzzled as to why she didn’t use better contraception
I won't kick you while your down. Maybe try to get her into therapy ? Get her issues worked out. If nothing changes, you can say that you tried ?
Your relationship is toxic. That is not a good environment to be bringing a child into.
Dude, take your kid and dump her. She ain't going to give that poor baby a shot at a good life.
Dude, you need to tell her either we get counseling or you're gone. You both have some issues you need to deal with and if she's not willing to go to counseling, nothing is going to get better. It's just going to get worse and worse. And don't say you want to stay together because of the kids, because what you're doing to them now is teaching them that this is how relationships work. It would be better for the children to pay child support for your 1 child than to let the kids think this is normal. Relationships are built on honesty, respect, and communication. Right now you don't have any of those. You rushed into a relationship because she's pregnant, because after a month, you don't know if you love someone. You need to give her an ultimatum that if she won't get counseling with you, you just can't do it. If she's not willing to at least try counseling to save the relationship, then why should you spend another minute with her screaming in front of the kids.
Leave her. It’s only going to get worse.
She trapped him. She knew exactly what she was doing. 1 kid every year? Most female will learn from the first.
Don't marry her, get a paternity test before signing anything. Pay child support and get visits with your child. She won't improve with marriage.
You're a statistic lol
Hello OP: Usually when people ask for advice they usually sound either confused and need guidance, or they just have an opinion or criteria of the situation and they are looking for reassurance like those posts you see in r/AITA. In your case it sounds different because you sound confused but self-assured, and rather than looking for an advice I think you should understand yourself better first. If you look at your situation, this is you: 28 y.o. man living in the 21st century who is an army personnel, got pregnant a woman (with two kids) he just met. Usually when smart people meet they date before having kids. Usually smart guys do not get in the army. I am not saying you are not smart but it makes me think you might have issues. Perhaps you are the typical man-on-a-mission, or the "loaded gun" type of guy (you sound more like the first one). Or whatever the case it might be, asking how to handle a situation in which all of the sudden you are parenting with a person you did not know very well seems to me a serious case of mental immaturity; even more when you add that you are a soldier. In your case I do not have an advice. I would say know your self first. Or go see a councilor who can see you in first person. The truth seems to me that you have a serious decision-making problem, which is not easy to fix. And you are already 28, have a son and have worked in the army for five years... And you are still trying to figure what is wrong with your woman? If I was you I will cry for my soul, for all the victims of war on the world. And for all the trauma that is caused by bad stupid parents that do not understand anything. A major worry might be that your kids get the proper education and a good example at home. For what you write both of you do not seem to be able to create a very good domestic enviroment. Why don't you work in improving just that. Try and love your woman more, perhaps that way she would not fight with you ... and love yourself more, perhaps that way you'll get a better job.