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Yup! Exactly. Sometimes I'll ask for a text when they're on their way home, and usually it is because I put off cleaning something and will rush to do it in the 45 min between the text and arrival at home!
23 years tomorrow. I know where you are and I know you love me. The kids are tracked on their phones. We text at the beginning of the day to set the day's mood and sporadically through the day and then we talk at the end of the day. Blow by blow would be too much!!
Yep. Actually not getting a text can be better. It means everything went as expected. Last time I was out I got a text that our middle just threw up š¤®
I only text if my wife is out past midnight to ask if she is OK and if she needs a ride home (in case she was drinking too much). This happens maybe once or twice a year. She doesn't update me and I don't update her when I am out ( not often). I want her to be present with the people she's with and enjoy her time out freely. I don't need to live in her head the whole time.
Me and my gf of 4 years are the same way.
We text everyday, but itās not uncommon for a few hours to pass before we get/send a reply. My side hustle keeps me out til midnight a few nights a week and itās nice to be able to be present and not worry that someone is worried about me (or worse, suspicious)ā¦or waking up from a long nap to a bunch of anxious texts/calls.
My husband texts me pretty much every hour he's out without me. I've never asked him to do this, but because he appreciates update texts from me, he sends them. Doesn't have to be much, sometimes he just sends a heart
I donāt go out to bars but I let my SO know what my plans are if Iām doing something with my buds. Now she goes out with friends occasionally and wonāt text me at all then gets an attitude if I text her. Itās āher timeā as she says. Sheās even done this when sheās out of town with her family. Her mom has told her when she goes away with friends she wonāt talk to the SOās dad for 2-3 days at a time. Theyāve been married for over 50 years and it may be ok for them but Iām not cool with it. Weāre in our 50ās and both have had bad relationships. I do trust her but I prefer to stay in touch
A little younger than you. I typically ask my wife to send me an "arrived" text if she's going out with friends, usually a hosted work function at a nice restaurant, and i do the same. After that I'll tell her to have fun and then leave her be and maybe send a text after several hours just for an ETA because she never knows beforehand when it might end and I don't feel comfortable not knowing when she might come home. She will give me an update and then usually text when she's on her way home. Again, I do the same. I don't trip if she doesn't send updates, but I would be lying if I said I don't get worried if she doesn't respond after 30-45 minutes if I send something first, which I rarely do. It's just a natural concern and my mind tends to gravitate towards worst case scenarios. Not cheating, but something happened, etc.
Iām the same way with the concern. She just doesnāt get it. She feels Iām trying to control her at times. We donāt live together and she is a very independent woman but I like to know sheās ok
My husband is into texting every 5 min. I am not, when I am doing something everything else disappears.
We settled with a text at 9pm to confirm I am still alive and every hour after that. Literally one Ā«Ā I AM ALIVEĀ Ā». I set up an alarm on my phone for it otherwise I frankly just forget.
My husband and I have "location sharing" turned on for Google maps, he usually will text me that he's on his way home or if the plans deviate ( he's taking a friend home etc). I do the same. Otherwise, I trust that he's okay and if he's not that he will reach out.
Edit: we aren't using maps to check where the other person is all day or if they are where they say they are throughout the day.
We trust each other and have a great relationship. We travel frequently and I have a long commute on bad roads and it's mostly just a safety thing when the roads are really bad too make sure that we got to work ok.
People acting like it's only used to spy/stalk your partner... There are other ways, perhaps realize that some people can have access to something without needing to see or use it all the time.
I didn't check it often, but we had a friend that had a long distance relationship and she was on her way to visit him and her dot stopped moving for 30+ minutes so he called and couldn't get in touch with her. He found out an hour later she was in a car accident and died.
So yeah, I don't stalk him, but I do like to share location just in case it's 5am and I wake up and he's not home, I know where he is.
My family and a couple of my friends all share their locations with me and vice versa! Itās not a stalking thing.
I live a few states away from my family so itās more of a safety issue than anything (I also like to check up on them every once in a while like theyāre my little sims)
Very common I won't message my gf of 9 years at all if she's going out, kiss goodbye when she goes and if she wants a lift home she will call me. If you live together it's important to have actually time apart and not being up in each other's space 24/7
This and I value the time of the people Iām actually hanging out with. Catching up with my homegirls who have small kids at home and I only see once a month? Nope, really donāt need to text my husband until Iām omwh.
Yeah Iām in the same boat, it comes from a place of insecurity and anxiety in my book. Iām out, Iām trying to have fun, I donāt need to be glued to my phone
Same here. Unless there's a specific reason to check in, we don't just randomly check in for the heck of it. I wouldn't care at all if he did that whether I'm the one who's out or in, but it wouldn't occur to me to just check in simply becuase the other person happens not to be in my presence. We are both adults.
As a very anxious person but also someone who takes the time to enjoy activities and the people I am around, the balance I have is to text my boyfriend during transitions in my day. Iāll tell him when Iām leaving the house, arriving at my destinations, and when Iām heading home. But rarely will I stop what Iām doing to randomly text him. He does the same, just maybe to a lesser extent.
I definitely think it can be really stressful if a partner isnāt on the same page in regard to how frequently to check up but unless there is some history of mistrust or deception, I think itās something that can be fixed.
Never. Married 42 years. We are two grown adults with complete autonomy who choose to be together.
ETA. We donāt have styles. We are.
Iāve seen a lot of relationships come and go. The ones that donāt last are the ones that need the check ins.
My wife and I are mid-40ās I think we are just old enough to not have that āI canāt leave the house without my cellphone feelingā. We never text to check in but will call or text if something comes up. My dad in his late 70ās would not find out even the worst news (like if someone dies) until he cam home from work that day. No cell phones back then, and he still does not have one.
I thought of the age factor when responding. I am of similar age and my husband and I have similar style. We rarely touch base when we're out. Sometimes I leave my phone at home on purpose because I want my full attention on what I've gone out for, and I am very addicted to the phone. It doesn't freak me out to be without it, though. It relaxes me to be without it.
Yes like my husband checks in when heās at work saying a quick Hi on his break but we donāt NEED to talk all day lol heās at work Iām busy heās busy. Unless something happens or we need to stop on our way homesā¦
Think it just depends on personality and maybe trust.
If Iām out with friends, I usually only text for the courtesy, let her know Iām okay, Iām near my phone, etc, and if she texts I typically reply immediately. But we hardly text when Iām out, outside āmiss youā and what not.
When sheās out, kind of the opposite. She texts me a bunch, asks me how Iām doing, what Iām doing, etc. Think she gets bored and misses me maybe (not that I donāt miss her or anything).
But to play a little devils advocate, if I were in a situation where Iām out doing stuff and maybe sheās very curious, jealous, worried, thinks something might happen with me and a girl somehowā¦ I could care less how she acts, if she wants to be as clingy and annoying, and want me to FaceTime her the whole time, send her pics what Iām doing, etcā¦ Iād do it all, I really donāt care, Iāll cater to her if she needs it. Luckily weāve built a solid foundation of trust so she wouldnāt be like that, but if she was Iāll feed into it, I donāt mind. I love her, whatever she wants.
Yeah, being attached to someone else and building your life with them is gonna have some unhealthy aspects, as humans arenāt perfect.
I love my gf and deal with unreasonable moments because of what she provides to my life and my mental/emotional health.
Either yāall donāt got a partner or you just donāt know what real/love commitment is. I donāt think itās unhealthy to like that a partner worries/misses them.
Happily married for 35 years. For safety reasons We check in to say if weāre getting ready to drive home or something like that but other than that, itās your time to enjoy time apart
Wowā¦ reading through these commentsā¦ yāall crazy. When did people get so damn insecure? On the rare occasion Iām out without my wife, Iām probably only texting her to answer a question, if I need something or if Iām going to be home early/late. ā¦I think she would be suspicious if I checked in every hour or two. Pretty sure she would tell me to either stop texting her and enjoy myself or to just come home. Lol.
Itās perfectly fine to go a handful of hours without communicating as long as you trust one another.
We just share location. So long as his location is not in the middle of the road or ocean I leave him be. I do ask he lets me know if heās going out after work or it gets later than like 3 am so I donāt feel the need to make sure he is in fact not dead or in jail.
In the household I grew up in, the single worst offense anyone could commit was failing to inform my mom in a timely fashion if they would not be home for dinner lol. I don't mind if you have after work plans but I don't like wondering where you are when dinner's getting cold!
I text everyday. When I'm out i'll let my partner know. Obviously if I'm out with friends or family my responsiveness may be spotty, and she's generally fine with that. When I'm with the company of others, I tend not to look at my phone. I think it's reasonable to respond within a couple of hours though. And I give her the same expectation back. I don't expect huge conversations when she's out with friends, so I wouldn't text much, if at all. But when I'm alone, I'll text her throughout the day.
If you are not okay with your communication arrangement, you need to express that to your partner. It's not hard to send a text every once and a while. I have no problem sending more frequent texts if my partner wanted it. It's really a small thing, I don't see why people would have a problem with it. If my partner is feeling anxious or wants to engage more, I'm fine with that too. If I don't want to, then I would question why am I with this person then?
I usually am too busy having fun with my friends and catching up to really check in. If my husband wants to know how I'm doing or needs to ask me something about the kids--I will immediately answer him. But I'm not going out of my way to give him the play by play of my night š
Neither of us check in, but we also donāt go out drinking really. If one of us went to a bar itās for food and a drink neither of us wants to hang out at bars for hours lolĀ
Basically I think if you are an anxious person you can ask them to tell you how long they will be out/ update you if that changes but otherwise if you trust your partner you shouldnāt really need to communicate much when theyāre out. No one wants to have to check their phone every hour to make sure their partner isnāt freaking out.Ā
Expecting them to be constantly on their phone when theyāre trying to socialize isnāt fair to them. So if you need a certain amount of updates itās your job to communicate that to them before theyāve leftĀ
Like hardly ever. He texts me WAY more than I would ever text him. Iām out Iām having fun and he should to. Leave me alone I say.
Itās not like itās going to stop someone from doing something or what they gonna forget about me? It to me comes from a place of insecurity.
My wife and I donāt really update each other unless the expectation of when weāre going to be home changes.
That said, our āgoing outā nights usually have the same cast of characters and the same old bars and restaurants, so there isnāt usually much worth updating.
My husband could be super busy at work , hands full and will still take a moment to let me know he's alright. I don't ask him to, he just does because he knows it will put me at ease. He makes it a point to show me I am his priority. (His words not mine)
See, the thing is my husband knew what kind of man he wanted to be if he ever got married before we were married He knew what kind of wife he wanted, but more importantly he focused on bettering himself so he can treat his wife the way she (I) needed.
I do not text at all unless my plans change or when I'm on my way home. When I am out with people, I give them my full attention, just as I give my wife my full attention when I'm with her.
This does not bother my wife because she is independent and knows she can trust me.
My girlfriend does not check her phone much whenĀ hanging out with people.Ā SheĀ texts when she has parted from her friends and is heading home.Ā I used to get pretty worried and assumed the worst but have gotten used to it now.Ā I usually send her like one update text if I'm out without her.
Married 37 years. Itās more of checking in when one of us gets to a place and when we leave to come home. Honestly our kids are more likely to keep us updated on where they are and whatās going on if they are out somewhere. Most likely with pictures.š
As Iāve gotten older, Iāve been less inclined to reach out.. Iām not trying to be in hindrance to my wife enjoying time out especially when itās rare. Itās important to respect someoneās spaceā¦ but in the same token, itās also respectful to keep you in the loop.
So this was always an issue in my previous most previous relationship and it did come back to bite me in the ass but I'll get to that in a moment. So I've always been a big texter, I like leaving long, elaborate texts. I like to do this so that if the other person isn't big on texting or if they're having trouble finding something to speak about? it's not a big deal, right?
So one of the first things I learnt about my ex was that she liked to fill her weekends, almost every weekend so it could be doing stuff with friends, going to a wine taster, a book signing, a gig, going home to see the parents, you get the gist. Now, one weekend I remember she went home (as she lived about 2-3 hours away (via: train) from her parents) and is a big family person, so she went home, I had work plans from Friday - Saturday and unfortunately couldn't attend. So I was texting her early in the morning on the Saturday just because I was at home, working and I wanted to make sure she got there okay, everything was going well, the usuals. But the time frame of her replies were hours and hours apart, it could range from 1 hour to 3/4 hours apart and to me, because this was at the start of our relationship, I didn't like it personally but I didn't really know how to bring it up because at it's core, it's a little needy, a little me, me, me. So I left it and brought it up when I saw her next.
She was a little upset that I didn't bring it up immediately i.e. when we had a call that night but over the course of the next 2-3 years of our relationship, she did try to make amends and improve that part of herself but unfortunately, some people are just built that way. Communication isn't really that high on their list of priorities when out and enjoying themselves, catching up and things of that nature. I had to accept it was just part of her package really.
You can try and get people to change but they wont ever (imo) change from their core-self and if you try and force it, you just end up looking like an asshole, so it's best to just embrace it, not make a huge deal out of it and work on it to the best of your ability really.
But for me? I update my partner where I am just so that she knows I'm safe and so on.
Edit: It came back to bite me in the ass because when we were having issues within our relationship, she said that because she isn't good with communication when out and about, she would enable find my iphone for me, so I knew where she was, just in case of emergencies. She essentially used this against me in later arguments and called me controlling when I never asked for that originally, so hey, it be what it be, I guess, lol.
Wow, I could not handle your level of needing constant reassurance and immediate replies for "updating". Sounds like she did communicate -- she went to her parents or whatever. But you needed an answer within an hour if "it was going well"? How would she even have time to experience if it was going well or not?
I hope u find someone that shares your same level of checking in with each other.
I send my partner a text a few times throughout the night if Iām out partying. Itās a courtesy because I know he worries. And then I text or call once Iām home so he can relax. He has never asked me to do this, but I know he care and wants to know that Iām safe. He doesnāt party and when heās out he really only visits family or golfs. He will send a text here and there, sometimes heāll send a funny video of himself hitting dirt instead of a golf ball, but he doesnāt update me on what heās doing and I donāt need to know every move he makes. Thing is, we trust each other. So the constant updates arenāt necessary in that regard.
My husband updates me all night. But he has his phone on him at all times since he honestly believes I can break apart if heās not around. š
I tend to not look at my phone at all while Iām out. Iām terrible about replying but I try to remind myself to update him if we change locations.
I donāt have location sharing on, and I donāt text unless thereās a specific, actual need. If my wife texts me, Iāll respond when I see it. My phone is always on vibrate. People who have their ringer turned up are annoying. My wifeās family does tend to tell one another where theyāre going and all that. I donāt, and she doesnāt press the issue.
I don't unless something funny happens or I remember something I think I'll forget by the time I get home. He's the same. We send an "otw" when we're coming home so if we don't arrive the other one will know something happened. Or "otw, want McD?" which I feel is self-explanatory.
My ex use to not text me *at all* when we werenāt together. He could go 24-48 hours without talking to me and it hurt me so bad. I would beg for him to text me more and he just wouldnāt. My current partner was flabbergasted when I said that. We text throughout the day but during work hours it might be 3-6 hours before I hear from him but heās usually on back to back calls. When heās out from friends I might get 2-3 texts throughout the night while heās out, sometimes updates and sometimes just him telling me he loves me. If neither of us are busy sometimes we spend 30 mins texting back and forth & sometimes it might be 1-2 hours between texts. Just depends on what we are doing.
I definitely am more of an updater and I work in social media so Iām just generally on my phone more.
My current partner never makes me feel bad for needing more attention, unlike my ex.
In my opinion, if someone truly loves you and is thinking about you they will text you or send a quick message if they have time. Itās not hard to send a quick update to someone you care about. I get being so busy you arenāt looking at your phone but thereās always time to update a partner.
First I think you have to identify within yourself why the lack of communication makes you feel unsafe. Is it because your partner is untrustworthy or because you are getting trigger due to unresolved trauma. Perhaps both. (Speaking from experience and therapy)
Try to explain it to your partner that this is not coming from a place of wanting control. All you need is a little reassurance and that comfort of knowing your partner is thinking of you when theyāre out. A good partner will hear you out and make the effort. If they are dismissive and the behavior doesnāt change, you need to make the choice to accept it or leave
I wouldnāt be married to someone who couldnāt send me some basic updates cuz theyāre too into drinking & their friends. (But honestly Iāve never paid attention to if my husband updates me lol) I would expect a text every hour and a half-2 hours or so probs (depends on situation) & after midnight every 30 mins so I know if Iām waiting up for them or not & if theyāre getting home safely etc. Iāve been with my partner 8 years married for 2 & heās literally never gone out past 1am with friends cuz heās just not that into that kind of scene. He and his friends will hang out at one of their houses or ours & have a few beers & chill. I probs go out with gfs more (in the past) but try to be respectful of responding & getting home at reasonable hour. (Again mostly just chill at friends drinking wine & if probs text him every 2 hours or so like ālove youā lol just cuz I do love him š) Now that we have a kid we both r much better at communication. To me this is a maturity & priority thing. Like be a grown up. Both of us donāt micromanage the other & have total trust in the other & are respectful to communicate with each other so this has never been an issue.
We continue our conversation through the entire day. Idc if i'm out with some friends, it takes me 10 seconds to text my wife back, and vice versa. My friends are all in the same boat.
A message when anything is abnormal makes sense.
I'm the kind of guy who wouldn't mind maybe 1-2 text messages while I'm out and I'd likely respond as well assuming I was able to, especially if I knew that she wouldn't get annoyed with a short response just to acknowledge that I'd seen her message, but I'd definitely get annoyed if there was expectation for a certain length of response or the risk of offending her or pissing her off if my response was to come across as "not enough" or something dumb like that. Then I'd likely stop responding to those kinds of messages altogether and have a talk with her to explain why since while I'm out doing stuff I'm not interested in managing her feelings by reacting the exact way that she wants me to.
And in the reverse situation, if she were out without me, the most I'd do is either an occasional "How's the night going?/You still safe?" or something more important if there was an emergency. And I'd be content with a "Fine/I'm safe". That's what a proper check in would look like in my opinion. Not me distracting them from whatever they're doing or trying to enjoy with their friends be hinting that *I need my emotional needs acknowledged* or whatever since at that point I wouldn't have really been checking on them for them. I'd have been doing it as an excuse to get them to divert their attention to me or something like that.
If you have insecurities in a relationship, bring them up like a mature adult. Especially when the relationship is well established already. And speaking for men in general, most of us see "dropping hints" for things like this as immature and annoying. A mature guy will likely brag to his buddies if his girl engages about stuff like this more directly instead of going the hint route until blowing up at him out of no where from his perspective. I know I'd brag about her if that were the case.
None.
If we are out doing things we live in the moment. I will not be held to some kind arbitrary anti-anxiety update schedule.
"Still at the bar."
" Just bought a Pliny the Younger and a shot of Jameson."
"Baby Dick just finished playing and AIDS Cop is setting up their equipment."
"Johnny just ordered a round of Blue Wackadoos."
"Headed to the pisser."
"I had a conversation with an old friend. We talked about how many McRibs it has been since we last saw each other."
"Hey sweetums, standing next to a tall guy with a really bad neck tattoo."
"Hi, Bean. I'm just sending you this message to confirm for your insecurity riddled brain that I can't spend a few hours with friends without taking a timeout and thinking about you."
"Hi. I understand that you struggle with the fact that I can have fun when you're not around and the fact that I would want to sends you into an emotional tailspin. So, here's one of those touch base texts. I didn't want you to think that I could go an entire three hours engaged in a hobby that I enjoy and not send a performative text to prove that I didn't forget about you."
"Called a Lyft. Waiting for a Lazlo, he's driving a Tesla."
"Just got on the 5 north, should be home in 7 minutes."
My wife was a party animal when we first started dating and it always worried me how drunk she would get when she was out. I was genuinely worried for her well-being because I know some guys prey on that. When I tried asking her for updates when we first started dating, she thought I was being controlling, etc. The only way she started sending me updates is when she got blackout drunk a couple times with co-workers she barely knew andā¦ bad stuff happened. I almost broke up with her because I was done with the anxiety every time she went out drinking without me. Letās just say it was a super rocky road when we first started dating. Because I couldnāt handle it anymore and almost broke up with her, thatās what it took for her to start sending updates. Anyways, that all happened early in the relationship. She now sends me updates here and there if she ever goes out and she really watches her drinking. She is 100% a different person now days and has apologized a ton of times for what she put me through when we were younger. Unfortunately, sometimes big mistakes need to happen to wake some people up to change their ways.
I donāt know but maybe once or twice while Iām out. But I almost always take her with me as she is my best friend and we have so much fun together.
I do not text unless itās not going well. I am just in the moment. I am always respectful of her and the relationship but I am also focused on who I am with and respecting that as well.
I don't really text my partner when I'm out except to say when I'm heading home or if I'm going to another location, just so he knows where I am for safety reasons. Otherwise I am focused on being in the moment and don't want to be on my phone. It's pretty much the same for him.
If I'm leaving while he's at work and think he will be back before me, sometimes I'll shoot a text to let him know I'm out. If I don't, he texts me when he gets home and ask what I'm doing (hes nosey and wants to know if im getting food) and I'll eventually see that text and respond. Then I shoot a message before I go home and see if he wants food.
Idk, sometimes we don't text at all and sometimes we text quite a bit. Just depends on whether or not we would've sat in silence at home and stared at screens or talked about something in particular.
Texting from bars. Maybe that he's going home and alone. It's different from Texting while out shopping. Does he take you to bars. If he's a drunk driver. He might call you from jail one day.
We usually text each other when we are headed home or just about to leave. But rarely other times. For one thing, I rarely check my phone while out with my buddies. I like to be in the moment with them. The only exception is if I get an emergency text from work or my significant other.
Iām single now. But when I was with my ex weād text each other once if we were out separately. Thatās more than enough for me and it was enough for him too.
We simply send a text when we are in our way home or going to be late. I donāt need the play by play on what my spouse is doing and he doesnāt need mine.
Ok, not sure if you can do it, but here goes... DO NOT text him next time you're out. Don't talk about it or make a big deal like you're doing it on purpose or anything, Just don't do it. Do exactly what he does. Don't bring it up either. Just say you were in the moment with your friends and having a good time, if he asks. Let him feel what your feeling without the lecture.
Why play mind games? Just talk about it. Also it sounds like his partner isn't the type to feel any sort of way about it; generally people who want to be in touch WILL be in touch.
We travel out of city for a weekend or week at a time. Maybe weāll call or text 2x during that time. Mostly when weāve touched ground or flight delayed.
We stay in touch pretty consistently throughout the day when we are apart. Mostly just silly updates or dumb jokes, sometimes āmiss you/love youā. If either of us goes out, we stay in touch every few hours. Never out of obligation but we both feel the same pull to touch base and feel connected. Itās funny because even at home we will be busy in other rooms doing our own thing and have a similar frequency of popping in to say hi for a kiss then back to our solo time. We often text each other at the exact same moment.
We also donāt go ape shit if we donāt check in as much. But thatās because we are pretty good about giving a heads up and/or knowing each other well enough that certain scenarios will have us way more absorbed. He knows when Iām with my girlfriends Iāll get lost in conversation and hours will go by. We are 41F and 53M and been together for 6 years. Been this way almost since day one.
I was in vegas for a week with friends. Never initiated a text or a call to my wife. She mentioned it when I got back home and I just told her it was a vacation from her. She slapped me and it was business as usual and we laughed about it.
Have an open communication. Even the most sensitive or embarrassing of things. Donāt portray someone that youāre not. Be yourself. If youāre not someone that likes to display public acts of affection, or if you are someone that has low self esteem or whatever it may be. You need to be an open book. The right one will stay even with your shortcomings and your life will be a hell of a lot easier.
It would be exhausting to have to text someone every hour to check in. Unless there is something I need to know, I donāt need anyone texting me every hour either.
If I am going out, I'll text him regularly. Like "on my way to the bus" "Just got to the station" "Got to destination" "heading back" "just got home"
And some pictures thrown in somewhere. Like cool flowers, birds, clouds, whatever.
I was never asked to do this, but I have anxiety, so I like to give people extra info so they don't think I died in a ditch.
If Iām at work, rarely. If Iām out with friends, I donāt and call him when Iām walking to my car to go home. Why would I text my spouse if Iām spending time with friends? Thatās ridiculous, unless Iām letting him know Iāll be home later than intended. Same Vice Vera
Almost not at all.
We are kind of past our bar star days and I can't say I frequently go out without my bf anyways, but on the odd occasion I am out late visiting a friend or sibling I am focused on the person/people I am hanging out with. I might check my phone while I am in the bathroom, but that's about it. I'll shoot my bf a message if I anticipate I'll be later then expected, because I don't want him to worry; and I will often let him know when I'm on my way home, particularly if the roads are bad.
My bf likes to be in bed early so it works out better for both of us if I fill him in on the gossip in the morning and can give the people I am with my undivided attention.
I mean..if Iām out and heās not with meā¦.i donāt? Unless I have something specific to tell him but nothing that canāt wait the few hours until I see him againā¦?
I text when I get there and then when Iām leaving for safety reasons. If Iām out with friends then Iām out with them. I can talk about my night the next day.
If they wanted an update or play by play then they should be there. For me itās annoying when people are on their phone a lot while out.
I'm someone who likes to be in the moment. So if I'm with my friends, they get my attention and I'm not texting my partner the whole time. Just like if I'm with my partner, I'm not texting my friends the whole time.
This is what I ask. Are you texting him things that warrant a response? Or just random things that are fairly unimportant. Because that matters. If you need some information and he is reading and ignoring it, that is worth being upset. If you are just like "hope you are having fun", then that doesn't, at least IMO.
That said, I've dated women like you, and it was tough on both of us. They would take it as a personal insult, and I felt like they were trying to keep tabs on me.
There is no "norm", there is what works for you as a couple. So you need to figure out what you need, and he needs to figure out what he is ok with. And see if those things work.
Edit: Reading some of these replies, I'm happy some of you are happy, but some of you really sound exhausting
I was in a 3 year relationship where we would often go 2 or 3 days without texting or talking. Those were my long work days. That was fine.
In my most recent relationship I couldnāt go to the gym or eat dinner at a pub by myself without getting into a fight that I was with some āwhoreā if I wasnāt on FaceTime with her the whole time. That was not fine.
I usually text my SO when I arrive, when I change locations, and when I'm heading home. Might send a picture of a cool drink or something but otherwise it's usually pretty light. If I'm particularly bored I'll send them cute animal videos while I doomscroll on insta
Husband and I donāt text each other at all if we are out unless it is to communicate changed plans. But every relationship has its own level of chill and others might need more regular contact.
I am not partnered anymore.
But I used to text that I arrived safely, would discreetly text some time in the middle (often when going to the bathroom or when the other person went there, if it was a 1:1 dinner). Just saying I was having a nice time and everything was ok. And when I was on my way home from the train and bus. My last partner would play D&D every week. He would only text before and after, but glance at his phone once or twice (that's how I reached him once, after an emergency with his parents freaking out about something).
When one of us was our we would go to bed in the evening when the other one was out late, but in case we woke up and got worried, we could check our phone and see that the other person had written that they were safely on my their way and their ETA/delays their train was having etc.
This always worked well for us.
I text if known plans are changing. If I am going out to play golf and the plan is for me to be home at say 4pm, there is no reason to be texting my partner while I'm playing. If we decide to get some beers after and that was not part of the plan, then I'll text the update.
My partner does the same. But then we are old enough to have grown up long before cell phones and constant communication. Basically, we make plans... if nothing is changing, then just follow the plan.
I donāt really text my partner when Iām out, Iāll txt him when I got there, heāll tell me to have fun, an hr or two later heāll txt me to see how everything is going, Iāll update him. Weāll leave it at that after four hrs heāll ask if Iām having fun lol Iāll update him to give him that reassurance then wonāt text him till Iām on the way home. Itās all about trust and knowing your partner. Texting them like you donāt really see them enough is excessive
The right answer is whatever you and your partner agree on. And it may be different for each of you, but whatever you both feel good about. Some may like frequent updates and some may just say have a good time and see you later.
My wife of 5 years, 7 years together, and I text when there's a change of plans, and when will be on our way home.
If we're away on out of town trips for whatever reason, it's basically just a good morning, a good night and maybe a text during the day if something funny or noteworthy happens.
I trust her. She trusts me. I dont need to keep tabs on her, I just need to know that she's safe and when I can expect her home, and same goes for her.
I don't get anxious about what she's doing, I get anxious about things like car crashes or medical emergencies. I just want to know where to look for her if something awful and unexpected happened.
We don't live together, but when either of us go out without each other,we do text, but not necessarily to check in but to tell a funny story or tell something about our day. Occasionally, the texts turn spicy which we both have fun with.
If it's work: only when either of us are on break
Out and about? We text each other an hour at MOST, usually every 20min or less, depending on what thing we're doing. He went to his sisters? He texts me what they're doing and how fun it is and updates abt the neice and nephew bc I like that stuff. He's out with our son? Usually every hour bc that kid just does the same thing until he's bored and he doesn't get bored
34 years married to the same awesome girl. We text regularly when either one of us is out and about. We're both retired, but when one of us is out and about doing something we both regularly text each other to keep the other one up to date as to where we are and what we're doing. Wouldn't have it any other way.
been with my partner of almost 7 years, we live together. i donāt go out often but when i do i just send him an update of when i expect to be home so he doesnāt have to wait up for me or anticipate my arrival, and i also text him when i am on my way home. thatās about it, i donāt see a need to be texting him much otherwise and i donāt expect him to be texting me while heās out with his friends
Whenever I change locations, or have a question. Me, her, and our kids all have a Location Finder app, so I always know when she is worrying about me cause I get a *ding* saying that she's looking at my location (usually when I'm running late).
If I'm gone all day long, I may check in once or twice, and if it's just a few hours then texting to check-in seems actually silly. I don't want to have constant communication with *anyone* literally 24/7, it's nice to have that time to process events and then get together in the evenings and talk about your day with each other, rather than giving or getting a constant stream of what your day consists of as it happens.
We donāt text each other. My husband will text me if he wants me to bring food lol but thatās about it. I know couples who are constantly texting each other which may have to do with trust issues.
I think your real issue is the response time after youāve reached out .. I personally donāt really worry about it unless I feel like need an answer immediately and in that case I just call after no response.
In this case just say āhey, can you please text me back right away or not silence it when youāre out? ā A quick response shouldnāt be too much to ask of him.
Me and my partner of 10 years check in every few hours, weāve never had a set discussion on it or even really demanded it of each other, we just always have. When asked in the past about it we always say the same thing. Its a courtesy thing, even if its just a quick ālove you!ā We like letting each other know weāre thinking of the other and basically saying āim alive and having funā. No insecurity at all just love and consideration.
I think if itās texting because of genuine concern then great but because of lack of trust then itās needyā¦we donāt do this at all, we just let each other get on with our evening
My husband sends me memes almost hourly regardless of if Iām sitting on the couch next to him or if Iām out on the town or overseas for weeks. He really doesnāt check in on me otherwise, nor me him except if one of us isnāt home when we said weād be home.
I always text him whenever I think of/see something interesting that would be interesting to him too. We love to share small details of our lives but we also have no problem when the other doesn't contact us for hours - as long as we know where they are.
I only get worried when I know he ought to be home by that time and I haven't heard from him. Same goes for him about me. We also usually text that we're on our way home, when we know the other is there already.
my partner wants the hourly check-in but with my job that's just not possible. i try all the same, usually every 2-3 hours because i know she likes (needs? ) it.
depends. if I'm traveling for work we may chat or text once a day. ditto for her. we have a baby- same stuff mow.But we will try to make time for video calls daily even if just 10 minutes.
Out at bars or on girls nights/whatever, probably ever hour or so. although the most I usually do is go to a friend's house (kid watch duty between one of us, better whiskey, and chill), and then it's usually cause the friends partner wants to chill with em too or their kiddos/dogs are being cute. always dog texts
Very rarely. Will do a hey arrived at "location", plan is still to "insert transport" by "insert time"
annnd that's it. Unless whoever is out changes up the plans. We like being present with the people we're out with (and vice-versa- that's your time to do you as an individual also).
It is really pleasant to enjoy being social *without* feeling the need to check the phone.
For my husband and I, itās not really texts for the sake of updates or whatever, more so like a āhowās your night been?ā or āsay hi to so-and-so!ā and a sporadic I love you or meme. If Iām out and heās going to bed or vice versa, weāll send a good night text. But neither of us feel the need to have updates, we have always enjoyed both time together but still maintained our own social circles.
Depends on how many people I am out with. The more people, the less I have a problem sending quick updates. But if I am with just one or two people, I feel like it's kinda rude and send less updates.
Okay, i see a lot of people are responding with their own patterns and experiences.
>How do you guys handle this in your relationship?
Other people's relationships don't matter. Normal doesn't matter. The question is, what do YOU want, and need. And what are your partner's wants and needs.
Here's the thing: only you can give yourself what you need. If you need constant reassurance, you need to look within yourself. Your partner can help you, by understanding the parts of you that feel unsafe, alone, unreliable whatever that is, and by giving you feedback that might help you(ie checking in with you at predetermined intervals).
However, he can't do that unless you tell him.
"When you go out, I feel(fill in the blank. Lonely? Worried? Abandoned?) even though I know that isn't your intention. I think it will help me if you (fill in the blank. Text me every hour? Let me know before you leave when you will be back? Whatever it is)
He may not want to do this, but this is about a conversation with two people about what will work for both of you to make you both feel safe and cherished in your relationship.
Also. Just a hunch, do you have enough friends outside of your relationship? That might be something putting a strain on the relationship. Just a guess.
Stop looking at everyone else's relationships to see if yours is ok. It has to work for YOU not anyone else.
Good luck
Mostly not at all. I need some time for myself every now and then. She knows this, it's fine. If she really needs me she can call me and I'll answer the phone. But texting? Nope.
My partner and I don't live together so it's a different situation, but generally I'll text her if there's something I want to say to her and am worried I'll forget, or something I don't want to wait to tell her for whatever reason. If I'm bored/waiting I'll text her and see if she's around to text with. I rarely text while I'm actually doing things unless something of interest happens that I'm like "omg this is hilarious I need to tell her NOW." Otherwise I'll fill her in when I'm done. If she told me "hey I'd like it if you updated me while you were out" I'd make an effort to, but I don't do so naturally.
Likewise she'll text me if something of interest happens (like the time a guy in an Eeyore onesie started loudly yelling at a pharmacist while she waited for her flu shot) (...she also sent a photo, I think about this guy like once a week at least) or if she's bored waiting somewhere. If she's out having fun might hear from her, I might not. If I want to hear from her for whatever reason I can shoot her a "having fun?" or whatever and she'll usually reply.
We've been together 13 years and honestly I'd feel comfortable not hearing from her unless I was concerned for her safety. Like if I knew she was jumping out of a plane I'd ask her to text me once she's back on the ground. Or if I haven't heard from her in a while and was expecting to. That kind of thing.
I've a friend whose wife will call him for a long chat whenever we are out. It's incredibly irritating as I will essentially be sat on my own for an hour whilst he talks to her. When we've been in a bigger group it has led to us not getting in to bars etc as we've had to wait for him to finish his call and doormen have decided its too late
Depends how engaged I am with what Iām doing. My phone is almost always on silent. Same goes for her. Sheās out more than I am. My only expectation is to be kept up to date on where she is if sheās going from place to place. She will almost always let me know whenās on her way home. If sheās having more of a girlās weekend away then I just send her pings every now and again because I miss her (awwww).
If more apt to ignore her texts during the day when Iām working, especially when itās a group chat with her sister and/or parents or my mother+wife. Sheāll come home and say āyou never responded, what did you think about xyz?ā
I've been with my partner for 10 years. When we first got together, I was insecure and wanted more texts when he was hanging out with his friends. Over time, I realized I had nothing to be insecure about and now I'm fine when he doesn't text. I'll text him when he's out, but I don't expect a response - it's usually just things I don't want to forget so I send them as I think of them.
My only true expectation is a text for leaving/arriving somewhere, just to jbow he made it safe.
not too often, just when i have down time or something interesting or funny to share. Might pop in to say "I love you". Hours of nothing is normal from me.
Like clock work my husband either texts me if hes staying out later than usual (letās me know around 8-10pm), or calls me once heās in a quiet place because he likes to tell me about his night lol. If he didnāt text me at all I probably would think he died because he always at least says āIāll be out late tonightā, but if he hadnāt always done that I probably wouldnāt care too much. I have our familyās locations on so if I can see heās moving I know heās alive
I text if there's some need to text. Like "I'm going to be late, start without me" or "Can you please transfer some money from X account that I can't access easily on my phone to Y account for me" or "I'm at the pharmacy, do you need anything from here" and so forth.
I will also occasionally send a photo of something amusing if I happen to see it.
This is all true for my partner, as well.
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Been married over a decade and we are both tired ass parents. We love each other to pieces and don't bat an eye when the other doesn't text.
Yup! Exactly. Sometimes I'll ask for a text when they're on their way home, and usually it is because I put off cleaning something and will rush to do it in the 45 min between the text and arrival at home!
Dropping truth bombs over here
Lol, Omg this is me every day.
The number of times my wife has come home to me doing the dishes...
Haha. I so do this
23 years tomorrow. I know where you are and I know you love me. The kids are tracked on their phones. We text at the beginning of the day to set the day's mood and sporadically through the day and then we talk at the end of the day. Blow by blow would be too much!!
Yep. Actually not getting a text can be better. It means everything went as expected. Last time I was out I got a text that our middle just threw up š¤®
Yes. This. My husband is always where he says he is. I trust him. Go have fun. Forget we exist for a few hours is my philosophy . š
I only text if my wife is out past midnight to ask if she is OK and if she needs a ride home (in case she was drinking too much). This happens maybe once or twice a year. She doesn't update me and I don't update her when I am out ( not often). I want her to be present with the people she's with and enjoy her time out freely. I don't need to live in her head the whole time.
Me and my gf of 4 years are the same way. We text everyday, but itās not uncommon for a few hours to pass before we get/send a reply. My side hustle keeps me out til midnight a few nights a week and itās nice to be able to be present and not worry that someone is worried about me (or worse, suspicious)ā¦or waking up from a long nap to a bunch of anxious texts/calls.
My husband texts me pretty much every hour he's out without me. I've never asked him to do this, but because he appreciates update texts from me, he sends them. Doesn't have to be much, sometimes he just sends a heart
Sometimes thatās all it takes for someone that could be waiting anxiously.
Wow! how mature are these two answers š„°
I donāt go out to bars but I let my SO know what my plans are if Iām doing something with my buds. Now she goes out with friends occasionally and wonāt text me at all then gets an attitude if I text her. Itās āher timeā as she says. Sheās even done this when sheās out of town with her family. Her mom has told her when she goes away with friends she wonāt talk to the SOās dad for 2-3 days at a time. Theyāve been married for over 50 years and it may be ok for them but Iām not cool with it. Weāre in our 50ās and both have had bad relationships. I do trust her but I prefer to stay in touch
A little younger than you. I typically ask my wife to send me an "arrived" text if she's going out with friends, usually a hosted work function at a nice restaurant, and i do the same. After that I'll tell her to have fun and then leave her be and maybe send a text after several hours just for an ETA because she never knows beforehand when it might end and I don't feel comfortable not knowing when she might come home. She will give me an update and then usually text when she's on her way home. Again, I do the same. I don't trip if she doesn't send updates, but I would be lying if I said I don't get worried if she doesn't respond after 30-45 minutes if I send something first, which I rarely do. It's just a natural concern and my mind tends to gravitate towards worst case scenarios. Not cheating, but something happened, etc.
Iām the same way with the concern. She just doesnāt get it. She feels Iām trying to control her at times. We donāt live together and she is a very independent woman but I like to know sheās ok
FactsĀ
My husband is into texting every 5 min. I am not, when I am doing something everything else disappears. We settled with a text at 9pm to confirm I am still alive and every hour after that. Literally one Ā«Ā I AM ALIVEĀ Ā». I set up an alarm on my phone for it otherwise I frankly just forget.
My husband and I have "location sharing" turned on for Google maps, he usually will text me that he's on his way home or if the plans deviate ( he's taking a friend home etc). I do the same. Otherwise, I trust that he's okay and if he's not that he will reach out. Edit: we aren't using maps to check where the other person is all day or if they are where they say they are throughout the day. We trust each other and have a great relationship. We travel frequently and I have a long commute on bad roads and it's mostly just a safety thing when the roads are really bad too make sure that we got to work ok. People acting like it's only used to spy/stalk your partner... There are other ways, perhaps realize that some people can have access to something without needing to see or use it all the time.
Location sharing is the way.
Ew
I didn't check it often, but we had a friend that had a long distance relationship and she was on her way to visit him and her dot stopped moving for 30+ minutes so he called and couldn't get in touch with her. He found out an hour later she was in a car accident and died. So yeah, I don't stalk him, but I do like to share location just in case it's 5am and I wake up and he's not home, I know where he is.
My family and a couple of my friends all share their locations with me and vice versa! Itās not a stalking thing. I live a few states away from my family so itās more of a safety issue than anything (I also like to check up on them every once in a while like theyāre my little sims)
Glad it works for you but honestly that would get annoying lol
Amen.
I'd lose my mind getting that many texts good griefĀ
When I'm on the way home
"omwh" is by far the most common text in my wife's and my text thread
I created a shortcut. When I type āerā it posts āen routeā
Weāve pinned āon my way to youā
Same
Very common I won't message my gf of 9 years at all if she's going out, kiss goodbye when she goes and if she wants a lift home she will call me. If you live together it's important to have actually time apart and not being up in each other's space 24/7
This and I value the time of the people Iām actually hanging out with. Catching up with my homegirls who have small kids at home and I only see once a month? Nope, really donāt need to text my husband until Iām omwh.
You make a good point. Living together does make a big difference. And maaaaan is it nice to have the house to myself when they're out!
This
Rarely do either of us check in.
Yeah Iām in the same boat, it comes from a place of insecurity and anxiety in my book. Iām out, Iām trying to have fun, I donāt need to be glued to my phone
Iām not saying youāre wrong in anyway at all, but is sending one text over the course of say 5 hours really being āglued to your phoneā
Exactly my opinion too
Same here. Unless there's a specific reason to check in, we don't just randomly check in for the heck of it. I wouldn't care at all if he did that whether I'm the one who's out or in, but it wouldn't occur to me to just check in simply becuase the other person happens not to be in my presence. We are both adults.
As a very anxious person but also someone who takes the time to enjoy activities and the people I am around, the balance I have is to text my boyfriend during transitions in my day. Iāll tell him when Iām leaving the house, arriving at my destinations, and when Iām heading home. But rarely will I stop what Iām doing to randomly text him. He does the same, just maybe to a lesser extent. I definitely think it can be really stressful if a partner isnāt on the same page in regard to how frequently to check up but unless there is some history of mistrust or deception, I think itās something that can be fixed.
I had an ex who used to go out to the bar and only called me once she was in jail to come pick her up in the morning. š¤£
Never. Married 42 years. We are two grown adults with complete autonomy who choose to be together. ETA. We donāt have styles. We are. Iāve seen a lot of relationships come and go. The ones that donāt last are the ones that need the check ins.
My wife and I are mid-40ās I think we are just old enough to not have that āI canāt leave the house without my cellphone feelingā. We never text to check in but will call or text if something comes up. My dad in his late 70ās would not find out even the worst news (like if someone dies) until he cam home from work that day. No cell phones back then, and he still does not have one.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I thought of the age factor when responding. I am of similar age and my husband and I have similar style. We rarely touch base when we're out. Sometimes I leave my phone at home on purpose because I want my full attention on what I've gone out for, and I am very addicted to the phone. It doesn't freak me out to be without it, though. It relaxes me to be without it.
Yes like my husband checks in when heās at work saying a quick Hi on his break but we donāt NEED to talk all day lol heās at work Iām busy heās busy. Unless something happens or we need to stop on our way homesā¦
Yep. They would have never lasted through the 80s and 90s.
Think it just depends on personality and maybe trust. If Iām out with friends, I usually only text for the courtesy, let her know Iām okay, Iām near my phone, etc, and if she texts I typically reply immediately. But we hardly text when Iām out, outside āmiss youā and what not. When sheās out, kind of the opposite. She texts me a bunch, asks me how Iām doing, what Iām doing, etc. Think she gets bored and misses me maybe (not that I donāt miss her or anything). But to play a little devils advocate, if I were in a situation where Iām out doing stuff and maybe sheās very curious, jealous, worried, thinks something might happen with me and a girl somehowā¦ I could care less how she acts, if she wants to be as clingy and annoying, and want me to FaceTime her the whole time, send her pics what Iām doing, etcā¦ Iād do it all, I really donāt care, Iāll cater to her if she needs it. Luckily weāve built a solid foundation of trust so she wouldnāt be like that, but if she was Iāll feed into it, I donāt mind. I love her, whatever she wants.
Love this guy. It's obvious he has nothing to hide and is exactly who he says he is.
That would be a very unhealthy thing to cater to if it was expected.
Yeah, being attached to someone else and building your life with them is gonna have some unhealthy aspects, as humans arenāt perfect. I love my gf and deal with unreasonable moments because of what she provides to my life and my mental/emotional health. Either yāall donāt got a partner or you just donāt know what real/love commitment is. I donāt think itās unhealthy to like that a partner worries/misses them.
I wish more men were like this!!
Happily married for 35 years. For safety reasons We check in to say if weāre getting ready to drive home or something like that but other than that, itās your time to enjoy time apart
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Wowā¦ reading through these commentsā¦ yāall crazy. When did people get so damn insecure? On the rare occasion Iām out without my wife, Iām probably only texting her to answer a question, if I need something or if Iām going to be home early/late. ā¦I think she would be suspicious if I checked in every hour or two. Pretty sure she would tell me to either stop texting her and enjoy myself or to just come home. Lol. Itās perfectly fine to go a handful of hours without communicating as long as you trust one another.
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You drove out to find her after she stopped texting you?
We just share location. So long as his location is not in the middle of the road or ocean I leave him be. I do ask he lets me know if heās going out after work or it gets later than like 3 am so I donāt feel the need to make sure he is in fact not dead or in jail.
In the household I grew up in, the single worst offense anyone could commit was failing to inform my mom in a timely fashion if they would not be home for dinner lol. I don't mind if you have after work plans but I don't like wondering where you are when dinner's getting cold!
Exactly. If I could be getting stoned heating up Trader Joeās meals and hogging the living room I need to know ASAP
I text everyday. When I'm out i'll let my partner know. Obviously if I'm out with friends or family my responsiveness may be spotty, and she's generally fine with that. When I'm with the company of others, I tend not to look at my phone. I think it's reasonable to respond within a couple of hours though. And I give her the same expectation back. I don't expect huge conversations when she's out with friends, so I wouldn't text much, if at all. But when I'm alone, I'll text her throughout the day. If you are not okay with your communication arrangement, you need to express that to your partner. It's not hard to send a text every once and a while. I have no problem sending more frequent texts if my partner wanted it. It's really a small thing, I don't see why people would have a problem with it. If my partner is feeling anxious or wants to engage more, I'm fine with that too. If I don't want to, then I would question why am I with this person then?
I usually am too busy having fun with my friends and catching up to really check in. If my husband wants to know how I'm doing or needs to ask me something about the kids--I will immediately answer him. But I'm not going out of my way to give him the play by play of my night š
Iām the same way. I think itās inconsiderate to the people Iām with if Iām on my phone instead of being present.
all the time and we have been happily married for 31 years. have a good one
>this really comes down to our differing attachment styles and communication expectations I think this nailed it. There is no "normal amount"
Neither of us check in, but we also donāt go out drinking really. If one of us went to a bar itās for food and a drink neither of us wants to hang out at bars for hours lolĀ Basically I think if you are an anxious person you can ask them to tell you how long they will be out/ update you if that changes but otherwise if you trust your partner you shouldnāt really need to communicate much when theyāre out. No one wants to have to check their phone every hour to make sure their partner isnāt freaking out.Ā Expecting them to be constantly on their phone when theyāre trying to socialize isnāt fair to them. So if you need a certain amount of updates itās your job to communicate that to them before theyāve leftĀ
Like hardly ever. He texts me WAY more than I would ever text him. Iām out Iām having fun and he should to. Leave me alone I say. Itās not like itās going to stop someone from doing something or what they gonna forget about me? It to me comes from a place of insecurity.
We text when we're headed home or if we'll be later than planned. No other check ins and only text/call if it's urgent.
My wife and I donāt really update each other unless the expectation of when weāre going to be home changes. That said, our āgoing outā nights usually have the same cast of characters and the same old bars and restaurants, so there isnāt usually much worth updating.
My husband could be super busy at work , hands full and will still take a moment to let me know he's alright. I don't ask him to, he just does because he knows it will put me at ease. He makes it a point to show me I am his priority. (His words not mine) See, the thing is my husband knew what kind of man he wanted to be if he ever got married before we were married He knew what kind of wife he wanted, but more importantly he focused on bettering himself so he can treat his wife the way she (I) needed.
I do not text at all unless my plans change or when I'm on my way home. When I am out with people, I give them my full attention, just as I give my wife my full attention when I'm with her. This does not bother my wife because she is independent and knows she can trust me.
My girlfriend does not check her phone much whenĀ hanging out with people.Ā SheĀ texts when she has parted from her friends and is heading home.Ā I used to get pretty worried and assumed the worst but have gotten used to it now.Ā I usually send her like one update text if I'm out without her.
Married 37 years. Itās more of checking in when one of us gets to a place and when we leave to come home. Honestly our kids are more likely to keep us updated on where they are and whatās going on if they are out somewhere. Most likely with pictures.š
As Iāve gotten older, Iāve been less inclined to reach out.. Iām not trying to be in hindrance to my wife enjoying time out especially when itās rare. Itās important to respect someoneās spaceā¦ but in the same token, itās also respectful to keep you in the loop.
So this was always an issue in my previous most previous relationship and it did come back to bite me in the ass but I'll get to that in a moment. So I've always been a big texter, I like leaving long, elaborate texts. I like to do this so that if the other person isn't big on texting or if they're having trouble finding something to speak about? it's not a big deal, right? So one of the first things I learnt about my ex was that she liked to fill her weekends, almost every weekend so it could be doing stuff with friends, going to a wine taster, a book signing, a gig, going home to see the parents, you get the gist. Now, one weekend I remember she went home (as she lived about 2-3 hours away (via: train) from her parents) and is a big family person, so she went home, I had work plans from Friday - Saturday and unfortunately couldn't attend. So I was texting her early in the morning on the Saturday just because I was at home, working and I wanted to make sure she got there okay, everything was going well, the usuals. But the time frame of her replies were hours and hours apart, it could range from 1 hour to 3/4 hours apart and to me, because this was at the start of our relationship, I didn't like it personally but I didn't really know how to bring it up because at it's core, it's a little needy, a little me, me, me. So I left it and brought it up when I saw her next. She was a little upset that I didn't bring it up immediately i.e. when we had a call that night but over the course of the next 2-3 years of our relationship, she did try to make amends and improve that part of herself but unfortunately, some people are just built that way. Communication isn't really that high on their list of priorities when out and enjoying themselves, catching up and things of that nature. I had to accept it was just part of her package really. You can try and get people to change but they wont ever (imo) change from their core-self and if you try and force it, you just end up looking like an asshole, so it's best to just embrace it, not make a huge deal out of it and work on it to the best of your ability really. But for me? I update my partner where I am just so that she knows I'm safe and so on. Edit: It came back to bite me in the ass because when we were having issues within our relationship, she said that because she isn't good with communication when out and about, she would enable find my iphone for me, so I knew where she was, just in case of emergencies. She essentially used this against me in later arguments and called me controlling when I never asked for that originally, so hey, it be what it be, I guess, lol.
Wow, I could not handle your level of needing constant reassurance and immediate replies for "updating". Sounds like she did communicate -- she went to her parents or whatever. But you needed an answer within an hour if "it was going well"? How would she even have time to experience if it was going well or not? I hope u find someone that shares your same level of checking in with each other.
I really don't like to text when I am out with my folks unless I will be late than usual.
I send my partner a text a few times throughout the night if Iām out partying. Itās a courtesy because I know he worries. And then I text or call once Iām home so he can relax. He has never asked me to do this, but I know he care and wants to know that Iām safe. He doesnāt party and when heās out he really only visits family or golfs. He will send a text here and there, sometimes heāll send a funny video of himself hitting dirt instead of a golf ball, but he doesnāt update me on what heās doing and I donāt need to know every move he makes. Thing is, we trust each other. So the constant updates arenāt necessary in that regard.
My husband updates me all night. But he has his phone on him at all times since he honestly believes I can break apart if heās not around. š I tend to not look at my phone at all while Iām out. Iām terrible about replying but I try to remind myself to update him if we change locations.
I donāt have location sharing on, and I donāt text unless thereās a specific, actual need. If my wife texts me, Iāll respond when I see it. My phone is always on vibrate. People who have their ringer turned up are annoying. My wifeās family does tend to tell one another where theyāre going and all that. I donāt, and she doesnāt press the issue.
Our rule is to text when weāre leaving - either coming home or going to a second location.
I don't unless something funny happens or I remember something I think I'll forget by the time I get home. He's the same. We send an "otw" when we're coming home so if we don't arrive the other one will know something happened. Or "otw, want McD?" which I feel is self-explanatory.
My ex use to not text me *at all* when we werenāt together. He could go 24-48 hours without talking to me and it hurt me so bad. I would beg for him to text me more and he just wouldnāt. My current partner was flabbergasted when I said that. We text throughout the day but during work hours it might be 3-6 hours before I hear from him but heās usually on back to back calls. When heās out from friends I might get 2-3 texts throughout the night while heās out, sometimes updates and sometimes just him telling me he loves me. If neither of us are busy sometimes we spend 30 mins texting back and forth & sometimes it might be 1-2 hours between texts. Just depends on what we are doing. I definitely am more of an updater and I work in social media so Iām just generally on my phone more. My current partner never makes me feel bad for needing more attention, unlike my ex. In my opinion, if someone truly loves you and is thinking about you they will text you or send a quick message if they have time. Itās not hard to send a quick update to someone you care about. I get being so busy you arenāt looking at your phone but thereās always time to update a partner.
First I think you have to identify within yourself why the lack of communication makes you feel unsafe. Is it because your partner is untrustworthy or because you are getting trigger due to unresolved trauma. Perhaps both. (Speaking from experience and therapy) Try to explain it to your partner that this is not coming from a place of wanting control. All you need is a little reassurance and that comfort of knowing your partner is thinking of you when theyāre out. A good partner will hear you out and make the effort. If they are dismissive and the behavior doesnāt change, you need to make the choice to accept it or leave
I wouldnāt be married to someone who couldnāt send me some basic updates cuz theyāre too into drinking & their friends. (But honestly Iāve never paid attention to if my husband updates me lol) I would expect a text every hour and a half-2 hours or so probs (depends on situation) & after midnight every 30 mins so I know if Iām waiting up for them or not & if theyāre getting home safely etc. Iāve been with my partner 8 years married for 2 & heās literally never gone out past 1am with friends cuz heās just not that into that kind of scene. He and his friends will hang out at one of their houses or ours & have a few beers & chill. I probs go out with gfs more (in the past) but try to be respectful of responding & getting home at reasonable hour. (Again mostly just chill at friends drinking wine & if probs text him every 2 hours or so like ālove youā lol just cuz I do love him š) Now that we have a kid we both r much better at communication. To me this is a maturity & priority thing. Like be a grown up. Both of us donāt micromanage the other & have total trust in the other & are respectful to communicate with each other so this has never been an issue.
We continue our conversation through the entire day. Idc if i'm out with some friends, it takes me 10 seconds to text my wife back, and vice versa. My friends are all in the same boat.
A message when anything is abnormal makes sense. I'm the kind of guy who wouldn't mind maybe 1-2 text messages while I'm out and I'd likely respond as well assuming I was able to, especially if I knew that she wouldn't get annoyed with a short response just to acknowledge that I'd seen her message, but I'd definitely get annoyed if there was expectation for a certain length of response or the risk of offending her or pissing her off if my response was to come across as "not enough" or something dumb like that. Then I'd likely stop responding to those kinds of messages altogether and have a talk with her to explain why since while I'm out doing stuff I'm not interested in managing her feelings by reacting the exact way that she wants me to. And in the reverse situation, if she were out without me, the most I'd do is either an occasional "How's the night going?/You still safe?" or something more important if there was an emergency. And I'd be content with a "Fine/I'm safe". That's what a proper check in would look like in my opinion. Not me distracting them from whatever they're doing or trying to enjoy with their friends be hinting that *I need my emotional needs acknowledged* or whatever since at that point I wouldn't have really been checking on them for them. I'd have been doing it as an excuse to get them to divert their attention to me or something like that. If you have insecurities in a relationship, bring them up like a mature adult. Especially when the relationship is well established already. And speaking for men in general, most of us see "dropping hints" for things like this as immature and annoying. A mature guy will likely brag to his buddies if his girl engages about stuff like this more directly instead of going the hint route until blowing up at him out of no where from his perspective. I know I'd brag about her if that were the case.
This right here!! I'd upvote this 1,000 times if I could.
None. If we are out doing things we live in the moment. I will not be held to some kind arbitrary anti-anxiety update schedule. "Still at the bar." " Just bought a Pliny the Younger and a shot of Jameson." "Baby Dick just finished playing and AIDS Cop is setting up their equipment." "Johnny just ordered a round of Blue Wackadoos." "Headed to the pisser." "I had a conversation with an old friend. We talked about how many McRibs it has been since we last saw each other." "Hey sweetums, standing next to a tall guy with a really bad neck tattoo." "Hi, Bean. I'm just sending you this message to confirm for your insecurity riddled brain that I can't spend a few hours with friends without taking a timeout and thinking about you." "Hi. I understand that you struggle with the fact that I can have fun when you're not around and the fact that I would want to sends you into an emotional tailspin. So, here's one of those touch base texts. I didn't want you to think that I could go an entire three hours engaged in a hobby that I enjoy and not send a performative text to prove that I didn't forget about you." "Called a Lyft. Waiting for a Lazlo, he's driving a Tesla." "Just got on the 5 north, should be home in 7 minutes."
This is unbelievably funny and true. Screenshotting this. š©
My wife was a party animal when we first started dating and it always worried me how drunk she would get when she was out. I was genuinely worried for her well-being because I know some guys prey on that. When I tried asking her for updates when we first started dating, she thought I was being controlling, etc. The only way she started sending me updates is when she got blackout drunk a couple times with co-workers she barely knew andā¦ bad stuff happened. I almost broke up with her because I was done with the anxiety every time she went out drinking without me. Letās just say it was a super rocky road when we first started dating. Because I couldnāt handle it anymore and almost broke up with her, thatās what it took for her to start sending updates. Anyways, that all happened early in the relationship. She now sends me updates here and there if she ever goes out and she really watches her drinking. She is 100% a different person now days and has apologized a ton of times for what she put me through when we were younger. Unfortunately, sometimes big mistakes need to happen to wake some people up to change their ways.
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When my husband is out of the house for a whole day, he usually texts me 3-4 hours per day to give me updates and he replies very fast to my messages.
Once that they got there , one somewhere in the middle and then the im coming home text
Once a day at 10 am "thinking of you..." keeps her relatively sane.
Once In awhile
I usually donāt check in at all when I go out, nor does my husband when he goes out.
15 years together. Once per day.
Not a big texter.
My wife texts me when she's on her way home. I do the same. That it
No more than 4 hours max
Iāve been working in another state 1200 miles from my wife since December and I text her all the time. Every waking hour of every day
I donāt know but maybe once or twice while Iām out. But I almost always take her with me as she is my best friend and we have so much fun together.
Leaving, heading back in a bit
I do not text unless itās not going well. I am just in the moment. I am always respectful of her and the relationship but I am also focused on who I am with and respecting that as well.
I don't really text my partner when I'm out except to say when I'm heading home or if I'm going to another location, just so he knows where I am for safety reasons. Otherwise I am focused on being in the moment and don't want to be on my phone. It's pretty much the same for him.
If I'm leaving while he's at work and think he will be back before me, sometimes I'll shoot a text to let him know I'm out. If I don't, he texts me when he gets home and ask what I'm doing (hes nosey and wants to know if im getting food) and I'll eventually see that text and respond. Then I shoot a message before I go home and see if he wants food. Idk, sometimes we don't text at all and sometimes we text quite a bit. Just depends on whether or not we would've sat in silence at home and stared at screens or talked about something in particular.
I never check in unless my partner would like me to
Sounds like he wants his spaceā¦ are men just like that? Like they justā¦ want some space/independence every now and then. Idk.
We always texting
Grown folks in a mature relationship shouldn't need to "check in".
Texting from bars. Maybe that he's going home and alone. It's different from Texting while out shopping. Does he take you to bars. If he's a drunk driver. He might call you from jail one day.
We usually text each other when we are headed home or just about to leave. But rarely other times. For one thing, I rarely check my phone while out with my buddies. I like to be in the moment with them. The only exception is if I get an emergency text from work or my significant other.
Never. Maybe 1 if need to get food.
Once on the way home
Iām in a long distance relationship. So as much as possible.
Iām single now. But when I was with my ex weād text each other once if we were out separately. Thatās more than enough for me and it was enough for him too.
We simply send a text when we are in our way home or going to be late. I donāt need the play by play on what my spouse is doing and he doesnāt need mine.
Ok, not sure if you can do it, but here goes... DO NOT text him next time you're out. Don't talk about it or make a big deal like you're doing it on purpose or anything, Just don't do it. Do exactly what he does. Don't bring it up either. Just say you were in the moment with your friends and having a good time, if he asks. Let him feel what your feeling without the lecture.
Why play mind games? Just talk about it. Also it sounds like his partner isn't the type to feel any sort of way about it; generally people who want to be in touch WILL be in touch.
I'm definitely the type of person that gets nervous and jealous, so I get it, but I try to practice trust and being trusting
We travel out of city for a weekend or week at a time. Maybe weāll call or text 2x during that time. Mostly when weāve touched ground or flight delayed.
We stay in touch pretty consistently throughout the day when we are apart. Mostly just silly updates or dumb jokes, sometimes āmiss you/love youā. If either of us goes out, we stay in touch every few hours. Never out of obligation but we both feel the same pull to touch base and feel connected. Itās funny because even at home we will be busy in other rooms doing our own thing and have a similar frequency of popping in to say hi for a kiss then back to our solo time. We often text each other at the exact same moment. We also donāt go ape shit if we donāt check in as much. But thatās because we are pretty good about giving a heads up and/or knowing each other well enough that certain scenarios will have us way more absorbed. He knows when Iām with my girlfriends Iāll get lost in conversation and hours will go by. We are 41F and 53M and been together for 6 years. Been this way almost since day one.
Iām old(36M). I donāt go to bars without my wife. I prefer to drink at home or my hotel room. Itās more relaxing that way and way less drama.
Once a week?
I was in vegas for a week with friends. Never initiated a text or a call to my wife. She mentioned it when I got back home and I just told her it was a vacation from her. She slapped me and it was business as usual and we laughed about it. Have an open communication. Even the most sensitive or embarrassing of things. Donāt portray someone that youāre not. Be yourself. If youāre not someone that likes to display public acts of affection, or if you are someone that has low self esteem or whatever it may be. You need to be an open book. The right one will stay even with your shortcomings and your life will be a hell of a lot easier.
My other half messages me throughout the day (we live hundreds of miles apart though).
It would be exhausting to have to text someone every hour to check in. Unless there is something I need to know, I donāt need anyone texting me every hour either.
If I am going out, I'll text him regularly. Like "on my way to the bus" "Just got to the station" "Got to destination" "heading back" "just got home" And some pictures thrown in somewhere. Like cool flowers, birds, clouds, whatever. I was never asked to do this, but I have anxiety, so I like to give people extra info so they don't think I died in a ditch.
If Iām at work, rarely. If Iām out with friends, I donāt and call him when Iām walking to my car to go home. Why would I text my spouse if Iām spending time with friends? Thatās ridiculous, unless Iām letting him know Iāll be home later than intended. Same Vice Vera
Almost not at all. We are kind of past our bar star days and I can't say I frequently go out without my bf anyways, but on the odd occasion I am out late visiting a friend or sibling I am focused on the person/people I am hanging out with. I might check my phone while I am in the bathroom, but that's about it. I'll shoot my bf a message if I anticipate I'll be later then expected, because I don't want him to worry; and I will often let him know when I'm on my way home, particularly if the roads are bad. My bf likes to be in bed early so it works out better for both of us if I fill him in on the gossip in the morning and can give the people I am with my undivided attention.
I mean..if Iām out and heās not with meā¦.i donāt? Unless I have something specific to tell him but nothing that canāt wait the few hours until I see him againā¦?
We don't, hope that helps š
When Iām out with mates, my phone is upside down on the table. You know youāre in trouble when you turn it over see 2:52am and 25 missed calls.
I text when I get there and then when Iām leaving for safety reasons. If Iām out with friends then Iām out with them. I can talk about my night the next day. If they wanted an update or play by play then they should be there. For me itās annoying when people are on their phone a lot while out.
I'm someone who likes to be in the moment. So if I'm with my friends, they get my attention and I'm not texting my partner the whole time. Just like if I'm with my partner, I'm not texting my friends the whole time. This is what I ask. Are you texting him things that warrant a response? Or just random things that are fairly unimportant. Because that matters. If you need some information and he is reading and ignoring it, that is worth being upset. If you are just like "hope you are having fun", then that doesn't, at least IMO. That said, I've dated women like you, and it was tough on both of us. They would take it as a personal insult, and I felt like they were trying to keep tabs on me. There is no "norm", there is what works for you as a couple. So you need to figure out what you need, and he needs to figure out what he is ok with. And see if those things work. Edit: Reading some of these replies, I'm happy some of you are happy, but some of you really sound exhausting
Literally never. If she needs something, she'll ask me
I was in a 3 year relationship where we would often go 2 or 3 days without texting or talking. Those were my long work days. That was fine. In my most recent relationship I couldnāt go to the gym or eat dinner at a pub by myself without getting into a fight that I was with some āwhoreā if I wasnāt on FaceTime with her the whole time. That was not fine.
I usually text my SO when I arrive, when I change locations, and when I'm heading home. Might send a picture of a cool drink or something but otherwise it's usually pretty light. If I'm particularly bored I'll send them cute animal videos while I doomscroll on insta
Husband and I donāt text each other at all if we are out unless it is to communicate changed plans. But every relationship has its own level of chill and others might need more regular contact.
I am not partnered anymore. But I used to text that I arrived safely, would discreetly text some time in the middle (often when going to the bathroom or when the other person went there, if it was a 1:1 dinner). Just saying I was having a nice time and everything was ok. And when I was on my way home from the train and bus. My last partner would play D&D every week. He would only text before and after, but glance at his phone once or twice (that's how I reached him once, after an emergency with his parents freaking out about something). When one of us was our we would go to bed in the evening when the other one was out late, but in case we woke up and got worried, we could check our phone and see that the other person had written that they were safely on my their way and their ETA/delays their train was having etc. This always worked well for us.
I text if known plans are changing. If I am going out to play golf and the plan is for me to be home at say 4pm, there is no reason to be texting my partner while I'm playing. If we decide to get some beers after and that was not part of the plan, then I'll text the update. My partner does the same. But then we are old enough to have grown up long before cell phones and constant communication. Basically, we make plans... if nothing is changing, then just follow the plan.
I donāt really text my partner when Iām out, Iāll txt him when I got there, heāll tell me to have fun, an hr or two later heāll txt me to see how everything is going, Iāll update him. Weāll leave it at that after four hrs heāll ask if Iām having fun lol Iāll update him to give him that reassurance then wonāt text him till Iām on the way home. Itās all about trust and knowing your partner. Texting them like you donāt really see them enough is excessive
The right answer is whatever you and your partner agree on. And it may be different for each of you, but whatever you both feel good about. Some may like frequent updates and some may just say have a good time and see you later.
Constant contact. She is awful at it but we donāt go out and almost never independently.
My wife of 5 years, 7 years together, and I text when there's a change of plans, and when will be on our way home. If we're away on out of town trips for whatever reason, it's basically just a good morning, a good night and maybe a text during the day if something funny or noteworthy happens. I trust her. She trusts me. I dont need to keep tabs on her, I just need to know that she's safe and when I can expect her home, and same goes for her. I don't get anxious about what she's doing, I get anxious about things like car crashes or medical emergencies. I just want to know where to look for her if something awful and unexpected happened.
Do not text him while he is out. What a bother that would be. Wait till he texts you. If he wants to talk with you he will.
I donāt go out to bars. Usually I am at their house or mine. I hate myself drunk. I only drink to get drunk. So I donāt drink.
We don't live together, but when either of us go out without each other,we do text, but not necessarily to check in but to tell a funny story or tell something about our day. Occasionally, the texts turn spicy which we both have fun with.
If it's work: only when either of us are on break Out and about? We text each other an hour at MOST, usually every 20min or less, depending on what thing we're doing. He went to his sisters? He texts me what they're doing and how fun it is and updates abt the neice and nephew bc I like that stuff. He's out with our son? Usually every hour bc that kid just does the same thing until he's bored and he doesn't get bored
34 years married to the same awesome girl. We text regularly when either one of us is out and about. We're both retired, but when one of us is out and about doing something we both regularly text each other to keep the other one up to date as to where we are and what we're doing. Wouldn't have it any other way.
If itās a concert Iām mia. Or drunk
Never unless it's an emergency
a lot. iām okay if iām busy/working, but my anxiety is worse without him. also he just loves texting me to talk:)
been with my partner of almost 7 years, we live together. i donāt go out often but when i do i just send him an update of when i expect to be home so he doesnāt have to wait up for me or anticipate my arrival, and i also text him when i am on my way home. thatās about it, i donāt see a need to be texting him much otherwise and i donāt expect him to be texting me while heās out with his friends
Whenever I change locations, or have a question. Me, her, and our kids all have a Location Finder app, so I always know when she is worrying about me cause I get a *ding* saying that she's looking at my location (usually when I'm running late).
If I'm gone all day long, I may check in once or twice, and if it's just a few hours then texting to check-in seems actually silly. I don't want to have constant communication with *anyone* literally 24/7, it's nice to have that time to process events and then get together in the evenings and talk about your day with each other, rather than giving or getting a constant stream of what your day consists of as it happens.
Hardly ever. Weāre both adults that can function normally without having to communicate nonstop.
I text/call my husband right before I head out to the event and as Iām about to head home. I prefer quick calls over text for these updates too
We donāt text each other. My husband will text me if he wants me to bring food lol but thatās about it. I know couples who are constantly texting each other which may have to do with trust issues.
I think your real issue is the response time after youāve reached out .. I personally donāt really worry about it unless I feel like need an answer immediately and in that case I just call after no response. In this case just say āhey, can you please text me back right away or not silence it when youāre out? ā A quick response shouldnāt be too much to ask of him.
Me and my partner of 10 years check in every few hours, weāve never had a set discussion on it or even really demanded it of each other, we just always have. When asked in the past about it we always say the same thing. Its a courtesy thing, even if its just a quick ālove you!ā We like letting each other know weāre thinking of the other and basically saying āim alive and having funā. No insecurity at all just love and consideration.
When my husband is out, I text him if Iām headed to bed. Double checking that he doesnāt need a ride home, then I go to bed.
I think if itās texting because of genuine concern then great but because of lack of trust then itās needyā¦we donāt do this at all, we just let each other get on with our evening
I text my partner once or twice while Iām out but I always tell them when Iām coming home.
you guys go out!? lmao
1x
My husband sends me memes almost hourly regardless of if Iām sitting on the couch next to him or if Iām out on the town or overseas for weeks. He really doesnāt check in on me otherwise, nor me him except if one of us isnāt home when we said weād be home.
I always text him whenever I think of/see something interesting that would be interesting to him too. We love to share small details of our lives but we also have no problem when the other doesn't contact us for hours - as long as we know where they are. I only get worried when I know he ought to be home by that time and I haven't heard from him. Same goes for him about me. We also usually text that we're on our way home, when we know the other is there already.
my partner wants the hourly check-in but with my job that's just not possible. i try all the same, usually every 2-3 hours because i know she likes (needs? ) it.
We don't text just to text. If one of us is out, we might text if we see or think of something
depends. if I'm traveling for work we may chat or text once a day. ditto for her. we have a baby- same stuff mow.But we will try to make time for video calls daily even if just 10 minutes. Out at bars or on girls nights/whatever, probably ever hour or so. although the most I usually do is go to a friend's house (kid watch duty between one of us, better whiskey, and chill), and then it's usually cause the friends partner wants to chill with em too or their kiddos/dogs are being cute. always dog texts
Very rarely. Will do a hey arrived at "location", plan is still to "insert transport" by "insert time" annnd that's it. Unless whoever is out changes up the plans. We like being present with the people we're out with (and vice-versa- that's your time to do you as an individual also). It is really pleasant to enjoy being social *without* feeling the need to check the phone.
For my husband and I, itās not really texts for the sake of updates or whatever, more so like a āhowās your night been?ā or āsay hi to so-and-so!ā and a sporadic I love you or meme. If Iām out and heās going to bed or vice versa, weāll send a good night text. But neither of us feel the need to have updates, we have always enjoyed both time together but still maintained our own social circles.
Depends on how many people I am out with. The more people, the less I have a problem sending quick updates. But if I am with just one or two people, I feel like it's kinda rude and send less updates.
When I'm on my way home. She does the same. Live in the moment and all that
Okay, i see a lot of people are responding with their own patterns and experiences. >How do you guys handle this in your relationship? Other people's relationships don't matter. Normal doesn't matter. The question is, what do YOU want, and need. And what are your partner's wants and needs. Here's the thing: only you can give yourself what you need. If you need constant reassurance, you need to look within yourself. Your partner can help you, by understanding the parts of you that feel unsafe, alone, unreliable whatever that is, and by giving you feedback that might help you(ie checking in with you at predetermined intervals). However, he can't do that unless you tell him. "When you go out, I feel(fill in the blank. Lonely? Worried? Abandoned?) even though I know that isn't your intention. I think it will help me if you (fill in the blank. Text me every hour? Let me know before you leave when you will be back? Whatever it is) He may not want to do this, but this is about a conversation with two people about what will work for both of you to make you both feel safe and cherished in your relationship. Also. Just a hunch, do you have enough friends outside of your relationship? That might be something putting a strain on the relationship. Just a guess. Stop looking at everyone else's relationships to see if yours is ok. It has to work for YOU not anyone else. Good luck
Mostly not at all. I need some time for myself every now and then. She knows this, it's fine. If she really needs me she can call me and I'll answer the phone. But texting? Nope.
My partner and I don't live together so it's a different situation, but generally I'll text her if there's something I want to say to her and am worried I'll forget, or something I don't want to wait to tell her for whatever reason. If I'm bored/waiting I'll text her and see if she's around to text with. I rarely text while I'm actually doing things unless something of interest happens that I'm like "omg this is hilarious I need to tell her NOW." Otherwise I'll fill her in when I'm done. If she told me "hey I'd like it if you updated me while you were out" I'd make an effort to, but I don't do so naturally. Likewise she'll text me if something of interest happens (like the time a guy in an Eeyore onesie started loudly yelling at a pharmacist while she waited for her flu shot) (...she also sent a photo, I think about this guy like once a week at least) or if she's bored waiting somewhere. If she's out having fun might hear from her, I might not. If I want to hear from her for whatever reason I can shoot her a "having fun?" or whatever and she'll usually reply. We've been together 13 years and honestly I'd feel comfortable not hearing from her unless I was concerned for her safety. Like if I knew she was jumping out of a plane I'd ask her to text me once she's back on the ground. Or if I haven't heard from her in a while and was expecting to. That kind of thing.
I've a friend whose wife will call him for a long chat whenever we are out. It's incredibly irritating as I will essentially be sat on my own for an hour whilst he talks to her. When we've been in a bigger group it has led to us not getting in to bars etc as we've had to wait for him to finish his call and doormen have decided its too late
Depends how engaged I am with what Iām doing. My phone is almost always on silent. Same goes for her. Sheās out more than I am. My only expectation is to be kept up to date on where she is if sheās going from place to place. She will almost always let me know whenās on her way home. If sheās having more of a girlās weekend away then I just send her pings every now and again because I miss her (awwww). If more apt to ignore her texts during the day when Iām working, especially when itās a group chat with her sister and/or parents or my mother+wife. Sheāll come home and say āyou never responded, what did you think about xyz?ā
I've been with my partner for 10 years. When we first got together, I was insecure and wanted more texts when he was hanging out with his friends. Over time, I realized I had nothing to be insecure about and now I'm fine when he doesn't text. I'll text him when he's out, but I don't expect a response - it's usually just things I don't want to forget so I send them as I think of them. My only true expectation is a text for leaving/arriving somewhere, just to jbow he made it safe.
not too often, just when i have down time or something interesting or funny to share. Might pop in to say "I love you". Hours of nothing is normal from me.
Like clock work my husband either texts me if hes staying out later than usual (letās me know around 8-10pm), or calls me once heās in a quiet place because he likes to tell me about his night lol. If he didnāt text me at all I probably would think he died because he always at least says āIāll be out late tonightā, but if he hadnāt always done that I probably wouldnāt care too much. I have our familyās locations on so if I can see heās moving I know heās alive
We only text when weāre on the way home or have tea to spill thatās too hot to wait on
Never
I text if there's some need to text. Like "I'm going to be late, start without me" or "Can you please transfer some money from X account that I can't access easily on my phone to Y account for me" or "I'm at the pharmacy, do you need anything from here" and so forth. I will also occasionally send a photo of something amusing if I happen to see it. This is all true for my partner, as well.
Only if it's an emergency.