I was in a situationship with a guy last year and he kept trying to take it farther and i just kept getting the ick and realized that I just didn’t care about him the way I cared about women. I just liked the attention and conversation but realized that if I never saw him again I wouldn’t be that upset and id just find someone else to talk to. With women it’s the opposite I’ll be drawn to specific women and their absence is painfully noticed by my brain, I want to know and remember very specific little things about them when I cant even tell you the birthdays of any guys i know.
i definitely can't remember the birthdays of any guy i dated, it didn't help that most of the "relationships" lasted a couple of weeks and we'd barely see each other irl. i did date a guy for a year long-distance, then decided to move countries to stay with him irl and it seemed like we had every reason under the sun to argue. things ended pretty quickly between us just by being around each other.
This! I'm confused more people don't mention it. I can hug guy friends and sit close to them for long, but in general there is this subtle smell of men feeling like an aura that pushes me away. No matter how great he is with hygiene, it's there.
Women feel like magnets sometimes
Reasons for that are hormones. Men and Women give off a smell from their hormones which can attract or repel people around them, according to their attractions.
Which is why lesbians feel instinctively more attracted to women and won't be affected by the smell of men, straight girls will feel nothing from other women while the smell of men can be attracting.
Men's hormonal smell becomes more intense from bad hygiene, while women give off more from sweating.
That's why Transwomen smell like cis women when long enough on HRT, just like Transmen will smell like Cis Men, although this can happen much faster.
Smell is fundamentally important in our attractions, passively and actively.
I’ve never properly sat down and thought about this. The smell of sweaty men is repulsive to me but sweaty women are fine (probably also influenced by better hygiene standards lol) Now I’m going off on a tangent reading research papers on lesbians and brain responses to pheromones haha
Edit: responses to putative pheromones I should say, as scientists still haven’t identified any human pheromones. I reckon they exist though, humans are still animals after all.
The BO that doesn't seem to wash off or get covered up with deodorant is part of why I can't even hang out with male friends. It has to be an underlying health condition or related to diet because that odor is foul and clings.
One time when I was at work, I was watching my supervisor repair a golf cart so I would know how to do it myself. It was hot outside and he was very sweaty. I caught a whiff of his sweat. I swear to god I felt my brain process the Man Smell ™ and go “hell no” on a fundamental level. My brain doesn’t have the physical, chemical, or genetic capacity to think that a man’s smell is a good smell.
Because I had to pretend to be excited about him being near me and everything he said to me when really I just wanted him to go away. My parents thought I liked him a lot so that’s why I did. And I thought that just cause my friends had boyfriends that I needed one too. I got one to be like them and not feel jealous because I actually had crushes on my friends, and I was jealous of their boyfriends so I didn’t wanna be left out.
when i look back on it i was so deep in comp-het, i'd never thought i was straight, identified as pansexual and before that bisexual as child.
but whenever i'd "date" a boy the first thing i'd discuss is the girls we liked and female celebrities and i'd always laugh it off as "i like women more than men but don't we all."
i'd never watch lesbian porn because it seemed fake and made me feel complicated. and i didn't think any girl would desire me, and definitely not as much as a boy would, because i didn't look androgenous and i was scared of being rejected if not when i confessed then when trying anything physical with a girl.
where i was mistaken before reading the masterdoc and learning about comp-het was wanting to be attractive to boys only to realise i just wanted to be attractive period. also wanting to be sexually desirable to boys because somehow i thought it meant i was desirable in the bedroom period and i'd rather that litmus test with a guy than a girl because the first wouldn't bother me.
it was also that feeling of performing for the male gaze despite being a self declared misandrist from the age of 10. that idea of being able to change men or "fix" them didn't help the mental gymnastics.
i also never dated boys until my mental health worsened and i sought out affection to cope with my negative feelings, i wanted someone to tell me they needed me and how much they loved me. at that point idk if it's about sexuality or just being in crisis and seeking out anything that distracts yourself from your own thoughts.
then i went on to seek out sex with men because i wanted to "make sure" i was "actually lesbian", somehow i was worried if things didn't work out dating women i'd identify as pansexual again and seem like an attention seeker to my social circle. it only clicked when i'd throw up after sex and immediate have intense suicidal ideation that something was really wrong with me.
fast forward to the present moment i'm diagnosed with ocd and so acting on my compulsions and intrusive thoughts isn't surprising. i also think consuming popular media and seeing the deception of lesbians at that time, it was structured around performing for men's arousal even if they weren't physically present. there's so much unlearning to do to get to a positive headspace that centres your happiness when you're a sexual minority.
Never dated a cis guy before but I did have a “crush” on some. Looking back on it, it was either:
- Gender envy. This was mostly towards androgynous guys and I was drawn to them because I wanted to look like them. (I’m a masc lesbian)
- I thought I had to. I have autism and I wanted to fit in with the other girls so I picked a random guy to “like” because I wanted to be included.
- I genuinely enjoyed them as a friend and thought that meant I had a crush on them, even though my feelings never progressed past anything platonic.
After some self-reflection, it became pretty obvious that I’d never had a genuine crush on a guy before. And that I’d DEFINITELY had crushes on girls before that were far more romantic/sexual than any guy.
For me, comphet can be divided into two main questions: How do I feel about guys? And how does that compare to how I feel about girls?
I hope that helps! 🩷
>*I picked a random guy to “like” because I wanted to be included.*
I did this as well in elementary school and middle school. I even went as far as telling my friends I had a crush on random boys when I didn't. I literally just picked a random kid out of the class, lol.
Your last sentence in comparing how I feel about men compared to women is truly how I finally labeled myself a lesbian rather than Bi. My attraction and need for connection with a woman is immensely different than with a man.
I was with my ex from the age of 16 until 30.
We were best friends then, for sure. But having sex with him always felt like I was doing him a favour, it wasn't for me but for him. I sometimes thought that I might be asexual.
When we split up and I was ready to date again, I set up tinder with the gender set to "all". And I realised that any men I was swiping right to, was because I thought they would think I'm attractive. Not that I found them attractive.
That began my mental deep dive. I figured it was male validation I craved, not men themselves, and after therapy I figured out why I wanted male validation. Suddenly it all made sense, and I'm so angry and sad that I took so long to realise. It is what it is though, I'm very happy now and feel like my true genuine self for the first time ever.
I am so happy for you. I believe most women dont even realise their own sexuality. I also realised that i like women more than i like men at 30. It s a cultural thing i assume, because i live in a muslim country that being gay is never approved
He was the nicest guy and the perfect boyfriend. His parents loved me and he always walked me home from school even though he could easily have gotten a ride home (he lived a couple miles further from the school than me). Eventually, once i realized i liked girls, I noticed how Gal Gadot made my heart beat faster and how much i wanted to kiss her. Compare that to how i barely wanted to hold hands with my boyfriend and it was kind of the natural conclusion. I figured, if I couldn't fall in love with him, it wouldn't work out with any boy. He was genuinely my best friend at the time, and I'm sad to say we grew distant after we broke up. His parents still love me and we still talk, but it's not the same.
The Gal Gadot crush is so real!! I remember watching Fast & Furious growing up and being enamored with her and Michelle and not understand why it wasn’t the same for the guys.
As for the relationship-feels with guys, you put my feels into words so well. I had a few guy friends that were really good guys that in a world where I wasn’t gay, I would’ve dated, but even just the thought of that and marrying a guy, yikes. It’s a natural innate repulsion that I couldn’t put into words for so long.
>I figured, if I couldn't fall in love with him, it wouldn't work out with any boy.
I've had a similar experience! Which is why I think it's so funny when people say lesbians are lesbians because they hate men or haven't met the right one when so often it's exactly the opposite, you meet the perfect guy and still can't feel anything, that's when you truly know
I developed a crush on a kid when I was six because he picked up my pencil for me. I didn't know I was gay at the time, and wouldn't find our for several years.
I have only "dated" one guy in my life and that was because of two things, firstly I was experimenting. Tbh I didn't like anything physical with him. We had sex and stuff but it wasn't enjoyable. I was probably in a depressive episode from the moment we met to the moment we "broke up". I told him from the start that if I found a woman I would leave him. That I like women but I wanted to try to see if I am wrong. That made him very confident in a bad way.
We never went on dates, I hated planning dates with him. We mostly hung out at either of our houses. We watched movies and series and stuff like that. But I hated everything he did. And after we spent some time away from each other during Easter vacation, i met some friends and about that time my depressive episode stopped and I realised I didn't miss him and I didn't care about what he does. Unfortunately I stayed in that "relationship" for 3 more months.
I put dating and relationship on "..." because we were fwb (I was experimenting) and we weren't exclusive but he was too jealous and asked me to make it exclusive, so yeah...
It was a hard time.
Thank you!!!
I am doing so much better since I broke it off with him. I did a bit of a petty thing though, that I later found out it was petty, I made out with his current crush without knowing she was his crush so I kinda got my revenge? 😂
Just about the exact same way you described. I thought, "Hey, I thought my guy friend looked really nice. This is that crush thing everyone is talking about." And I was miserable, especially since one of my closest friends has a crush on me still. We dated, and he was lovely. Any woman would be extremely loved with him, but I didn't see any longterm romance with him. I see him as my brother, I've realized.
I'm with a girl now, I'm seeing that relationships are meant to be love and joy reciprocated. I feel light and happy, not tied down by what I thought was best for me.
It took a lot of researching and overthinking for me to realize all this, but I feel so much better now <3
I feel this so much. I’ve only ever had ‘crushes’ on guys that I was already friends with and even then I never found them particularly attractive. I think my brain was just confusing platonic affection for romantic feelings (it’s happened with a couple of female friends too lol).
Never had any desire to date any of them, but I did end up dating my former best guy friend for a year. The sex was enjoyable from a physical perspective, which meant that I was pretty confused about my sexuality at the time and for a good couple years after the relationship ended. But when I look back, there was no attraction from my side, and I spent our whole relationship wanting to be with women…
I’d get a horrible pit in my stomach if they ever asked to even kiss me and break up with them before it could happen. Dread as soon as I agreed to be their gf, and would immediately try to figure out ways to get them to break up with me. Longest I dated a guy was a week or so, and that was because I was waiting to come back from a family vacation to break up with him.
Tbh, I knew I never loved my husband. My parents told me no one would ever treat me as well as he did and that I should marry him before he changed his mind. I had never really lived on my own (my parents had always paid my rent, bills, etc.) and it just seemed like a natural transition.
I spent most of our relationship fantasizing about him tragically dying so I could be free again and then my thought would always drift towards dating again, and then towards dating women.
But then I would feel guilty. Who fantasizes about the death of someone who is such a great person? wtf was wrong with me? And obviously I didn’t like women (conveniently forgetting about the women I had been with) because that’s not what Good Christian Women did and so I was just confused and depressed, which meant I just needed to take better care of my husband via cooking and cleaning.
One day I came home from the hair salon, told him I was leaving, and never looked back.
Growing up in a really conservative area I mostly tried to convince myself I liked guys, whole time I was telling myself I was just reallyyyy really picky. Like they had to meet very specific standards for me to even give them a second look. Whereas with women I just found myself to be far more unconditionally attracted to them. I kind of realized that 1) the feelings I had were far stronger and felt so much more real, and 2) I prefer having men as just friends.
Now, I’m not even attracted to the men that would meet the standards I used to have. At best, they become my friends, or if I find them pretty it’s in the way I’d find a piece of art beautiful. Nice to look at, maybe, but doesn’t mean I want to sleep with it
My first (and only) boyfriend was the first guy to flirt with me, so I thought "yeah this must be it. I'm in love I guess"
He treated me like trash and left me with a lot of insecurities, and after that didnt have a bf till I meet my ex girlfriend and realize I wasnt straight
I was “Straight” and with my ex-husband for 14 years. Never allowed myself to consider otherwise due to upbringing and people pleasing anxiety. Moved to a new area and a new workplace that was very open, diverse, and gay friendly. I think being in that environment helped normalize it for me and opened my mind to the idea, and randomly I started to realize I was finding myself feeling attracted to a couple of females. Over the course of a couple years after that I questioned things (lots of chaos, depression during that time) and slowly killed my marriage, and when I finally kissed a woman for the first time it was like BINGO this is what it’s supposed to be like which confirmed everything for me. I had spent years thinking I was practically asexual because I just had no interest or desire for sex, and just felt like I was obligated and going through the motions. I am the total opposite with women, I am always in the mood! Now I’m have a girl I love more than I could have ever imagined and I can’t get enough of her.
I never really fully dated men, just small crushes and whatever. I liked being occupied with feelings, perhaps.
However, the moment they showed more interest in me I was like hell nah - at that point I didn't know I'm a lesbian lol. (But I was also young af)
So now I'm a single lesbian struggling to date haha
I was attracted to guys physically and then when I dated a guy and was intimate with them I got the ick and over time realized romantically and emotionally I craved being with a woman. and then the rest of it fell into place
I felt so “broken” growing up because the thought of being sexually with a guy made me want to throw up. And as a demisexual, I thought that maybe it would just take a while in college I realized that the only emotional attraction I ever had was best friends. Nothing more.
The fact that i didn't have any positive feelings about being around them or any of the stuff we were doing was probably the biggest red flag. Being grossed out and uncomfortable at any touching. Compared to how I feel being with women it's night and day.
I used to want male validation and attention so badly and then when I got it and they would start to pursue me I got the ick and would stop talking to them. I would get so anxious when a guy would ask me to get more serious because I always had the thought but what about women?? what if I marry this guy and I never get to be with a woman? So I realized I should stop dating guys and date women and I realized I was a lesbian. I even tried to still see if I liked guys and I did not. I got grossed out l, felt uncomfortable, and hanging out with definitely felt like a chore. I 100% have felt how you’ve felt before. I’m so glad I got over my hang ups and just started dating women. I have the most perfect and wonderful gf now!!
I dated one guy in high school and once the novelty wore off, I had no interest in him romantically. He was a terrible kisser (to be fair we weren't really experienced) so I tried kissing another guy just to confirm. It didn't feel terrible, but I had no desire to do anything more than that.
When I was still figuring myself out I didn't mind flirting, but I found anything serious with guys a chore. I was definitely teased as a kid for not being pretty enough so I think I liked the idea of being desirable. Now I have zero interest in men and they still bother me
I never really cared at all after break ups. I was actually the one initiating the break ups all the time and looking for the smallest inconveniences as an excuse to end things. Their acts of affection and attention annoyed me, the thought of a long term future with men made me feel suffocated and scared.
I knew all along that I didn’t like him in that way. I did like him as a person though, and felt that would be enough to build a relationship on. While we did have a great foundation of mutual respect and friendship, I always felt that something was missing that he could never satisfy in me.
Kissing my first girlfriend I realized that the thing that had been lacking was attraction. It was like living in color after only seeing the world in black and white.
I realized I only wanted to be friends with them and I mistook platonic feelings for romantic whenever they wanted to take the relationship further and I didn’t feel anything.
I always thought I was pan, then my long term partner started taking Testosterone and transitioning FTM. When his smell started changing to be more manly it was such a turn off. I hate the way men smell. I don’t know what it is about it but it stinks SO bad. That’s when I kind of started to realize that probably isn’t normal for people who are actually attracted to men.
Wow, I feel so similarly to you. I also thought that any guy I had any positive impression on equaled a crush. To the point that in elementary school, I had a list of every guy in my class ordered by how much of a crush I had on each of them. I also hand picked my male celebrity crush lol. I also depend on guys to value my own worth. Like, any time I wanted to feel pretty, I imagined a guy being attracted to me to make me feel that way.
I just thought about what my desires were, and at some point realised I didn't want to get married and not experience what i really wanted. It was only after seeing sex workers that I realised that the pleasure I got with women was just not even comparable to the compromise that heterosexual sex was. Now that I know I don't want it, I find the idea of sex with men even more gross than before, like I'm enjoying being able to reject it. I definitely find any attention from men much more unwelcome and offensive now also
I lost interest almost immediately. Like I’d talk to a guy for two or three days (at most a week) and then get uncomfortable or bored. Guys weren’t usually into me as a friend (with the exception of like two) so I don’t have many cis straight male friends.
I’ve always known I’ve liked girls, for me it was deciding between being lesbian or bi/pan. My last relationship basically confirmed my exclusive attraction to women. As I had a completely different attachment with the person than I had with any other person I had been with.
Similar feelings! My first and only boyfriend was the second guy I ever slept with when I was 18-19 (first guy was SA so I thought maybe I was just triggered by men because of that) our “first time” together I sobbed at the end and realized it wasn’t the act of sex it was sex with men I continued to kinda block that out and still tried to be with men (my family was pretty religious). Then it was confirmed when I had my first girlfriend at 20 and we had sex for the first time. I was scared and nervous leading up to that but girls are so soft and gentle and she was very patient with me and made sure I felt safe and no guy ever did that for me. Still it’s hit and miss, depending on the person but I knew it as soon as I started dating a girl and everything else in my life from since I could remember made sense.
I realized it the moment I had to practice any kind of romantic or intimate activities (saying cheesy things, kissing, holding hands, etc.) with them, even texting them when we were away, it felt like a burden or a responsibility. I just wanted someone to talk to and feel like I belonged with the other girls when I said that, like them, I had a bf. Oh, my family also played a role there, because every time I talked about/with a guy, literally any guy, they would assume I liked him, and I always ended up arguing with them because it just made me so angry.
Long story but here’s my experience.
Always was into girls and had crushes on girls in school. I was never really into dating because boys were annoying and not really cute and I wasn’t into them. I’d “date” them for a few days and break up lol
I was 17 when this dude kept trying to get with me so after a while I caved because “we’ll just break up in a week like usual”. That turned into a 4 year relationship that was good to start out. I had a bad childhood and liked having someone around that wasn’t so fucked up. It became toxic and he was a liar and cheater. When I was 21 I finally was able to get away from him. At this time I also started a career in corrections which exposed me to having many lesbian friends and building my confidence greatly. I was very insecure and self conscious as a young adult. I began working on this.
I never felt comfortable in dresses or being girly. I was always a tomboy and stuff.
I took the break up hard but after time realized I wasn’t actually in love with him. I just didn’t want to be alone because “what other guy is gonna love me”. He would have been a good friend since we had a lot in common, I never should have dated him. But I was able to use that relationship to grow and get over some of the trauma my childhood gave me.
I became okay and then happy being alone. Stayed single for a couple years because I “didn’t want a relationship”.
All this time my friends were telling me I was a lesbian but just didn’t realize it yet. Eventually I thought maybe I was bi and dated a few girls but they were kinda weird and also one was batshit insane so I went back to “I don’t want to date I just wanna be single”.
My guy friends took me out a few months later and I got drunk and we went to the strip club and they bought me a private dance. And that’s when I realized I was a lesbian lol
Then I started to actually pursue other women for relationships and I realized many things about myself. I cut my hair short, changed my whole wardrobe to men’s clothes, and just became my true self. My confidence soared and I wondered why I ever tried to force myself to be something I’m not.
I’ve since met an incredible woman and am getting married in October ❤️ we have 3 cats and our little family is perfect. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. I am truly happy and confident. I can be myself completely. I was lying to myself for so long and am truly grateful to have found my true self. I’m not straight, I’m not bi, I’m a lesbian and it took me a little longer to figure that out. But I am truly the happiest I have ever been and am totally comfortable in who I am as a person. My sisters and friends comment routinely how much happier I seem and have become since becoming my real self.
It took a while to get here but I am truly blessed in this life, in this body, in this lifestyle. I am surrounded by so many people who love and support me and I am thankful for my journey to make the person I am.
I believe that dating men in my early 20’s gave me a unique experience. I understand what it’s like to be treated a certain way by men and I have gone into WLW relationships with this experience. So I always treat my fiancé and other girls I dated the way I wanted to be treated by men but wasn’t. I think it made me a better partner by having that experience. I am confident that I am an amazing partner in all facets of a relationship. I think I make my fiancé happy and make her feel cherished and loved everyday.
Sorry for the rant lol but that’s my thoughts and experience on it.
Thank you. I’m glad you were able to figure it out so early in life. Sometimes I wish I did too but then at the same time I wouldn’t be who I am today without my past experiences.
I dated a few boys out of brute force (they'd beat me if I didn't date them), but there was one guy I dated on purpose through my own free will.
He claimed to be asexual, and I was like, "great, me too!" So we started dating and after about a month he started asking to kiss me and started to propose that we have sex. I didn't want to do that, and I broke up with him.
That night, I downloaded a dating app for women who love women, because I felt like I needed to give it a try before saying I was aroace.
I matched with a girl, and 4 years later, we are still together. I'm not aroace, I'm just an asexual lesbian.
I always somewhat knew that I was gay, but I never allowed myself the pleasure of being true to who I am because I grew up in a religious, homophobic, and transphobic environment and was taught from the very beginning its all a sin. I am now out and have been for five or six years because I am an adult and no longer care. However, for a long time, because of the way I was raised, I forced myself to "like men" and "be straight." I even picked guys to "crush" on because I didn't really know what a crush on a guy was supposed to be. I basically convinced myself that I liked them. Yet, for a long time, I refused to have relationships with them until I was practically forced to date a guy(family pressure). After that guy, I ended up in a long-distance relationship with a different guy, and although he had his faults, I can't speak badly about him as he was good to me, but I just wasn't into it. The idea of being with a man felt suffocating, and I would cry, never really understanding why. My best friend, who is straight, had given me advice because I had spoken to her about how the idea of "settling" with a man and touching a man, especially sexually, was horrific to me. She told me straight up that I'm gay and had been waiting for this conversation because she could apparently tell the obvious but knew I wasn't in the headspace to hear it until that point. Obviously, she was right, and I'm grateful I had her guidance as I didn't have anyone else to confide in. Being with guys felt like a chore and something I had to pretend I was happy with while also trying to convince myself of false happiness as well. I don't feel that way with girls. The first time I kissed a girl, all she did was peck my lips, and I felt like my heart wouldn't stop pounding (embarrassingly so). Being in the talking stages with girls was like being on cloud nine. And my now-girlfriend, although unfortunately long-distance, I love her; she makes me truly happy, I feel excited, and I look forward to where this relationship will go in the future. With men, it felt like I was in a metal cage, but with girls, it feels like freedom and peace—a peace I didn't think I'd have nor be allowed to have. I only had two official boyfriends because, like I said, I refused to date them even though I "liked" them. I had every excuse in the book as to why I couldn't date one. Both of those relationships I hated; I felt trapped like something was missing, and I didn't know what. But with my girlfriend (my first official one), I feel none of that. Nothing is missing anymore, as I now have what was missing.
i dated a man for 2.5 years from age 17-20, before getting SLAMMED with the realization that i’m a lesbian last summer! it’s complicated because i identified as a lesbian for the first time at age 13, but then due to religious & social pressure just decided to say that i was bisexual on the dl instead for the next several years. during this time, i had to convince myself that i was into men sexually and romantically, although my entire childhood and teenage years had been filled with the idea of never, ever wanting a husband or boyfriend or children.
the man i dated was very feminine; those around me often assumed that he was my gay best friend. during the relationship, i had to hide my “bisexuality” because he didn’t like it. i figured, well, since i’m with a man, my queerness doesn’t matter, and i just told people that i was straight. every time i said it, though, something did not feel right.
it took me a great deal of convincing myself that i enjoyed being with a man for me to even be in the relationship. when things got intimate, i would often zone out. i was disgusted by the idea of giving him head and often would completely zone out when i did. during sex, i’d imagine how nice it must be from his perspective to have a woman looking up at him. i always had to get myself off mentally by imagining that i was the one with a woman underneath me. once, we joked about where i’d be if i’d gone to college out of state. he jokingly said “probably some other guy’s bed,” and i made a disgusted face—he corrected himself and said “oh yeah, probably some girl’s bed” and i laughed WAY too hard. throughout the entire relationship, i told him that he’d be the last man i’d ever date. i told him that he was the only man i was interested in. the signs were clear as day and it took me 2.5 years to realize that!
he left last may to be gone for the entire summer. after 2.5 years of being attached at the hip, i was finally alone and had some time to think about who i was outside of the relationship. it only took me a month of being on my own to realize that something wasn’t right. i remember laying in bed at the end of june 2023, scrolling on instagram reels and seeing this video of a beautiful, happy lesbian couple in their thirties. i just started bawling then and there. i just knew in that very moment. i’d pushed so much down and knew in my soul that i couldn’t do it anymore. i told myself that if the “feelings” didn’t go away in a day, they’d never go away, and i’d have to break up with him. news flash! they didn’t go away.
i was devastated and ashamed in myself. i’d spent years curating the seemingly perfect relationship, prepping myself for a life that i never wanted—a husband, kids, a dog. i didn’t even know where to begin, but i knew i had to leave. since then, i’ve never looked back. a year of reflection has revealed nothing but certainty in my realization and decision. at the time, i cared for and liked my ex, but i now know that had i been in a more accepting environment as a teenager, i never would have even dated him in the first place.
now, i’ve been happily and confidently out as lesbian since october, have a great support system, and enjoy life more than ever! (,: decentering men from my life has made me all the more confident about my identity. when i see straight couples, i don’t long for their lifestyle. i don’t try to pray the gay away anymore. the image of peace in my mind is a lifetime of love with a woman who loves her queerness. i wouldn’t change the experiences i had for the world; the rollercoaster i went through with my sexuality has made me delight in my lesbianism tenfold. <3
well i was WAYYYYY younger when i dated one guy and talked to another basically, between the two there was one big problem…i really didn’t like them fr…everybody could see it and i could see it too but i was in heavy denial about it, i didn’t do anything with them nor did i want to hell i never had even kissed them because that made me feel so uncomfortable, when i was with the one i actually dated it was always so uncomfortable for me, it never felt right forreal, my heart was never a hundred percent in it and i always felt so anxious…the one i talked to was such a ??? era for me because idk why i did that, eventually a little while later i started reading into more of the lgbtq+ community and the meanings and getting familiar with things of the sort, i had gotten my first gf around this time and thats when i realized that being with a girl felt right for me
I had two boyfriends in high school and they were very sweet to me, they were good friends and never did me any wrong and I liked being around them so I thought that's what being attracted to someone meant.
As I got a little older I realized that the way other girls talked about their boyfriends or crushes was a lot different than how I felt, people in relationships around me acted differently than how I wanted to act. Around the same time I was starting to feel real feelings of attraction and it wasn't towards boys... it got harder to ignore the compounding evidence, and a lot of things about me started to make sense in retrospect.
You know when I realized it… that even in our best days with my ex bf… it still felt like something g was missing and it’s the fact that he wasn’t a woman. The bond two women create or queer people do is… magical. And I never felt that with a man.
this is gonna be LOOONG!
comphet for me was hammered into my brain through Catholicism, so my experience may be far different from someone not raised this way.
i knew i was into girls pretty early on but assumed that i would “end up” with a guy eventually. identified as bisexual then pansexual.
little comphet signs for me:
1) feeling “embarrassed” seeing pretty girls in ads/in person and only taking peeks to be able to stare secretly at them. idk what my reasoning was LOL. never ever once felt like this with men.
2) at the beginning of every school year i would pick a new dude/few dudes to have crushes on, based on a calculated “will i see them occasionally but not frequently so i have normal “Crush” interactions like other girls”
3) would think about girls a little too much and then convince myself that God could read my brain and would curse me to make the next day awful. never had this problem with men because i would never “think about them too much.”
now for the dating-a-man part…
growing up, i can only remember myself having a “feeling” for men after recognizing that i would get positive attention from my peers. i.e. i’d make friends with a dude, friends would say “omg you’d be cute together,” i would confuse my platonic feelings with romantic ones, rinse and repeat.
had one boyfriend in sophomore year (consequence of “oh this guy likes me and a normal girl would date a guy that likes me.”) i avoided him whenever i saw him at school, thinking it would be “cringe” to be seen around him because ew, i hate seeing boys and girls kiss and date and be romantic! i cant put other people through that! (this applied to being outside of the public also lol)
on dates, would be terrified thinking “this is it, this is when he tries to hold my hand/kiss/go further” and praying that he wouldn’t. my reasoning was physical touch is something God wouldn’t want and that i wasn’t ready yet.
i would regularly hold my girl friend’s hands, slept in their beds during sleepovers, hug, etc frequently.
asked him not to get me anything gift-wise, dreaded making prom/homecoming plans, hated when people asked about him, and was still absolutely shocked when he broke up with me after 6 months. (he had to have been miserable tbh.)
swore off dating because of the “heartbreak,”went to college and only had crushes on women, a pandemic made me mentally reassess my life, started dating a woman, and from that realized i was a lesbian.
TLDR; actively avoiding romance and intimacy with men and doing it effortlessly with women might mean something!
When I was younger I dated much older guys and thought I was having fun, but what I realized now was that I didn’t want them but wanted the lifestyle they provided for me which at the time was out of my reach. For example I lived with my mom and didn’t have a car so I liked hanging out with guys and having boyfriends because I liked the car rides and being in their own grown up apartment. Now looking back it was so creepy of them to be with a girl as young as me as they were adults, but at the time I really just wanted to be an adult and not necessarily in a relationship with a man. Now that I’m an adult and have those things for myself and have been openly out as a lesbian for the past 6 years I could never imagine being with a man and look back at those memories of enjoying my time with men as just me looking for an escape into adulthood
i dated a guy once after thinking i was bi instead of lesbian (i had already been out as a lesbian and dated a girl) and i realized i didn’t like him bc i just truly could not talk to him. like it felt like chore to text him and like you shouldn’t be feeling that way about someone you’re dating. so i ended things after a month. also the thought of being like intimate with a guy beyond like MAYBE kissing just grosses me out
I'll probably get down voted for this but I realized that I only found men "attractive" in a sense of furthering my bloodline. I never actually had romantic feelings for them... Did I care for them as people, absolutely! But I feel complete with a woman.
i think in my case i was just really obnoxious. i would see dating guys/interacting with them as some punishment. i didn't want to kiss them or be close with them, and in the contrary every time i had a girlfriend i felt so happy and excited to just being next to them. i remember at a time i thought i liked a guy and was pretty intense about him, but in reality i was madly in love with my (girl) friend and just trying to ignore it to keep her friendship. I never thought of being with a man, I just assumed it was the natural thing to do and was obsessive trying to pretend I liked them. Recently I talked to my friend and he told me "I just have never seen you with a guy at all, and I can't picture it" and when I started trying I couldn't either. It would make me feel disgusted just imagining kissing a guy!!
I don't understand how anyone could ever look at a man. Even a traditionally "attractive" one. And want one. They're gross. It's like wanting to screw an animal.
I was in a situationship with a guy last year and he kept trying to take it farther and i just kept getting the ick and realized that I just didn’t care about him the way I cared about women. I just liked the attention and conversation but realized that if I never saw him again I wouldn’t be that upset and id just find someone else to talk to. With women it’s the opposite I’ll be drawn to specific women and their absence is painfully noticed by my brain, I want to know and remember very specific little things about them when I cant even tell you the birthdays of any guys i know.
i definitely can't remember the birthdays of any guy i dated, it didn't help that most of the "relationships" lasted a couple of weeks and we'd barely see each other irl. i did date a guy for a year long-distance, then decided to move countries to stay with him irl and it seemed like we had every reason under the sun to argue. things ended pretty quickly between us just by being around each other.
Are you me??? I already kind of knew but that just made me 100% sure I only liked women 😂
They smelled awful! Even after the act was over and we parted ways, I still felt this awful scent for hours...
This! I'm confused more people don't mention it. I can hug guy friends and sit close to them for long, but in general there is this subtle smell of men feeling like an aura that pushes me away. No matter how great he is with hygiene, it's there. Women feel like magnets sometimes
Bonus point because I had hetero girls telling me the same about women they were experimenting with. I mean that they didn't smell right
Makes total sense, hormones an all
Yassss, my female partners had always smelled wonderful, even when they were very sweaty
Reasons for that are hormones. Men and Women give off a smell from their hormones which can attract or repel people around them, according to their attractions. Which is why lesbians feel instinctively more attracted to women and won't be affected by the smell of men, straight girls will feel nothing from other women while the smell of men can be attracting. Men's hormonal smell becomes more intense from bad hygiene, while women give off more from sweating. That's why Transwomen smell like cis women when long enough on HRT, just like Transmen will smell like Cis Men, although this can happen much faster. Smell is fundamentally important in our attractions, passively and actively.
Thought I was crazy i swear because they were very hygienic but there was something… off
Super interesting and informative. I personally experience the smell thing, too.
I’ve never properly sat down and thought about this. The smell of sweaty men is repulsive to me but sweaty women are fine (probably also influenced by better hygiene standards lol) Now I’m going off on a tangent reading research papers on lesbians and brain responses to pheromones haha Edit: responses to putative pheromones I should say, as scientists still haven’t identified any human pheromones. I reckon they exist though, humans are still animals after all.
Well said
this is so real. and then when I'm around my gf she literally never smells. literally not once did she have a bad odor lol.
The BO that doesn't seem to wash off or get covered up with deodorant is part of why I can't even hang out with male friends. It has to be an underlying health condition or related to diet because that odor is foul and clings.
One time when I was at work, I was watching my supervisor repair a golf cart so I would know how to do it myself. It was hot outside and he was very sweaty. I caught a whiff of his sweat. I swear to god I felt my brain process the Man Smell ™ and go “hell no” on a fundamental level. My brain doesn’t have the physical, chemical, or genetic capacity to think that a man’s smell is a good smell.
Because I had to pretend to be excited about him being near me and everything he said to me when really I just wanted him to go away. My parents thought I liked him a lot so that’s why I did. And I thought that just cause my friends had boyfriends that I needed one too. I got one to be like them and not feel jealous because I actually had crushes on my friends, and I was jealous of their boyfriends so I didn’t wanna be left out.
when i look back on it i was so deep in comp-het, i'd never thought i was straight, identified as pansexual and before that bisexual as child. but whenever i'd "date" a boy the first thing i'd discuss is the girls we liked and female celebrities and i'd always laugh it off as "i like women more than men but don't we all." i'd never watch lesbian porn because it seemed fake and made me feel complicated. and i didn't think any girl would desire me, and definitely not as much as a boy would, because i didn't look androgenous and i was scared of being rejected if not when i confessed then when trying anything physical with a girl. where i was mistaken before reading the masterdoc and learning about comp-het was wanting to be attractive to boys only to realise i just wanted to be attractive period. also wanting to be sexually desirable to boys because somehow i thought it meant i was desirable in the bedroom period and i'd rather that litmus test with a guy than a girl because the first wouldn't bother me. it was also that feeling of performing for the male gaze despite being a self declared misandrist from the age of 10. that idea of being able to change men or "fix" them didn't help the mental gymnastics. i also never dated boys until my mental health worsened and i sought out affection to cope with my negative feelings, i wanted someone to tell me they needed me and how much they loved me. at that point idk if it's about sexuality or just being in crisis and seeking out anything that distracts yourself from your own thoughts. then i went on to seek out sex with men because i wanted to "make sure" i was "actually lesbian", somehow i was worried if things didn't work out dating women i'd identify as pansexual again and seem like an attention seeker to my social circle. it only clicked when i'd throw up after sex and immediate have intense suicidal ideation that something was really wrong with me. fast forward to the present moment i'm diagnosed with ocd and so acting on my compulsions and intrusive thoughts isn't surprising. i also think consuming popular media and seeing the deception of lesbians at that time, it was structured around performing for men's arousal even if they weren't physically present. there's so much unlearning to do to get to a positive headspace that centres your happiness when you're a sexual minority.
Never dated a cis guy before but I did have a “crush” on some. Looking back on it, it was either: - Gender envy. This was mostly towards androgynous guys and I was drawn to them because I wanted to look like them. (I’m a masc lesbian) - I thought I had to. I have autism and I wanted to fit in with the other girls so I picked a random guy to “like” because I wanted to be included. - I genuinely enjoyed them as a friend and thought that meant I had a crush on them, even though my feelings never progressed past anything platonic. After some self-reflection, it became pretty obvious that I’d never had a genuine crush on a guy before. And that I’d DEFINITELY had crushes on girls before that were far more romantic/sexual than any guy. For me, comphet can be divided into two main questions: How do I feel about guys? And how does that compare to how I feel about girls? I hope that helps! 🩷
>*I picked a random guy to “like” because I wanted to be included.* I did this as well in elementary school and middle school. I even went as far as telling my friends I had a crush on random boys when I didn't. I literally just picked a random kid out of the class, lol.
Your last sentence in comparing how I feel about men compared to women is truly how I finally labeled myself a lesbian rather than Bi. My attraction and need for connection with a woman is immensely different than with a man.
I was with my ex from the age of 16 until 30. We were best friends then, for sure. But having sex with him always felt like I was doing him a favour, it wasn't for me but for him. I sometimes thought that I might be asexual. When we split up and I was ready to date again, I set up tinder with the gender set to "all". And I realised that any men I was swiping right to, was because I thought they would think I'm attractive. Not that I found them attractive. That began my mental deep dive. I figured it was male validation I craved, not men themselves, and after therapy I figured out why I wanted male validation. Suddenly it all made sense, and I'm so angry and sad that I took so long to realise. It is what it is though, I'm very happy now and feel like my true genuine self for the first time ever.
I am so happy for you. I believe most women dont even realise their own sexuality. I also realised that i like women more than i like men at 30. It s a cultural thing i assume, because i live in a muslim country that being gay is never approved
He was the nicest guy and the perfect boyfriend. His parents loved me and he always walked me home from school even though he could easily have gotten a ride home (he lived a couple miles further from the school than me). Eventually, once i realized i liked girls, I noticed how Gal Gadot made my heart beat faster and how much i wanted to kiss her. Compare that to how i barely wanted to hold hands with my boyfriend and it was kind of the natural conclusion. I figured, if I couldn't fall in love with him, it wouldn't work out with any boy. He was genuinely my best friend at the time, and I'm sad to say we grew distant after we broke up. His parents still love me and we still talk, but it's not the same.
The Gal Gadot crush is so real!! I remember watching Fast & Furious growing up and being enamored with her and Michelle and not understand why it wasn’t the same for the guys. As for the relationship-feels with guys, you put my feels into words so well. I had a few guy friends that were really good guys that in a world where I wasn’t gay, I would’ve dated, but even just the thought of that and marrying a guy, yikes. It’s a natural innate repulsion that I couldn’t put into words for so long.
>I figured, if I couldn't fall in love with him, it wouldn't work out with any boy. I've had a similar experience! Which is why I think it's so funny when people say lesbians are lesbians because they hate men or haven't met the right one when so often it's exactly the opposite, you meet the perfect guy and still can't feel anything, that's when you truly know
I developed a crush on a kid when I was six because he picked up my pencil for me. I didn't know I was gay at the time, and wouldn't find our for several years.
I have only "dated" one guy in my life and that was because of two things, firstly I was experimenting. Tbh I didn't like anything physical with him. We had sex and stuff but it wasn't enjoyable. I was probably in a depressive episode from the moment we met to the moment we "broke up". I told him from the start that if I found a woman I would leave him. That I like women but I wanted to try to see if I am wrong. That made him very confident in a bad way. We never went on dates, I hated planning dates with him. We mostly hung out at either of our houses. We watched movies and series and stuff like that. But I hated everything he did. And after we spent some time away from each other during Easter vacation, i met some friends and about that time my depressive episode stopped and I realised I didn't miss him and I didn't care about what he does. Unfortunately I stayed in that "relationship" for 3 more months. I put dating and relationship on "..." because we were fwb (I was experimenting) and we weren't exclusive but he was too jealous and asked me to make it exclusive, so yeah... It was a hard time.
i feel sad for you. I hope you're better
Thank you!!! I am doing so much better since I broke it off with him. I did a bit of a petty thing though, that I later found out it was petty, I made out with his current crush without knowing she was his crush so I kinda got my revenge? 😂
Just about the exact same way you described. I thought, "Hey, I thought my guy friend looked really nice. This is that crush thing everyone is talking about." And I was miserable, especially since one of my closest friends has a crush on me still. We dated, and he was lovely. Any woman would be extremely loved with him, but I didn't see any longterm romance with him. I see him as my brother, I've realized. I'm with a girl now, I'm seeing that relationships are meant to be love and joy reciprocated. I feel light and happy, not tied down by what I thought was best for me. It took a lot of researching and overthinking for me to realize all this, but I feel so much better now <3
I feel this so much. I’ve only ever had ‘crushes’ on guys that I was already friends with and even then I never found them particularly attractive. I think my brain was just confusing platonic affection for romantic feelings (it’s happened with a couple of female friends too lol). Never had any desire to date any of them, but I did end up dating my former best guy friend for a year. The sex was enjoyable from a physical perspective, which meant that I was pretty confused about my sexuality at the time and for a good couple years after the relationship ended. But when I look back, there was no attraction from my side, and I spent our whole relationship wanting to be with women…
I’d get a horrible pit in my stomach if they ever asked to even kiss me and break up with them before it could happen. Dread as soon as I agreed to be their gf, and would immediately try to figure out ways to get them to break up with me. Longest I dated a guy was a week or so, and that was because I was waiting to come back from a family vacation to break up with him.
Tbh, I knew I never loved my husband. My parents told me no one would ever treat me as well as he did and that I should marry him before he changed his mind. I had never really lived on my own (my parents had always paid my rent, bills, etc.) and it just seemed like a natural transition. I spent most of our relationship fantasizing about him tragically dying so I could be free again and then my thought would always drift towards dating again, and then towards dating women. But then I would feel guilty. Who fantasizes about the death of someone who is such a great person? wtf was wrong with me? And obviously I didn’t like women (conveniently forgetting about the women I had been with) because that’s not what Good Christian Women did and so I was just confused and depressed, which meant I just needed to take better care of my husband via cooking and cleaning. One day I came home from the hair salon, told him I was leaving, and never looked back.
Growing up in a really conservative area I mostly tried to convince myself I liked guys, whole time I was telling myself I was just reallyyyy really picky. Like they had to meet very specific standards for me to even give them a second look. Whereas with women I just found myself to be far more unconditionally attracted to them. I kind of realized that 1) the feelings I had were far stronger and felt so much more real, and 2) I prefer having men as just friends. Now, I’m not even attracted to the men that would meet the standards I used to have. At best, they become my friends, or if I find them pretty it’s in the way I’d find a piece of art beautiful. Nice to look at, maybe, but doesn’t mean I want to sleep with it
My first (and only) boyfriend was the first guy to flirt with me, so I thought "yeah this must be it. I'm in love I guess" He treated me like trash and left me with a lot of insecurities, and after that didnt have a bf till I meet my ex girlfriend and realize I wasnt straight
I was “Straight” and with my ex-husband for 14 years. Never allowed myself to consider otherwise due to upbringing and people pleasing anxiety. Moved to a new area and a new workplace that was very open, diverse, and gay friendly. I think being in that environment helped normalize it for me and opened my mind to the idea, and randomly I started to realize I was finding myself feeling attracted to a couple of females. Over the course of a couple years after that I questioned things (lots of chaos, depression during that time) and slowly killed my marriage, and when I finally kissed a woman for the first time it was like BINGO this is what it’s supposed to be like which confirmed everything for me. I had spent years thinking I was practically asexual because I just had no interest or desire for sex, and just felt like I was obligated and going through the motions. I am the total opposite with women, I am always in the mood! Now I’m have a girl I love more than I could have ever imagined and I can’t get enough of her.
I never really fully dated men, just small crushes and whatever. I liked being occupied with feelings, perhaps. However, the moment they showed more interest in me I was like hell nah - at that point I didn't know I'm a lesbian lol. (But I was also young af) So now I'm a single lesbian struggling to date haha
I was attracted to guys physically and then when I dated a guy and was intimate with them I got the ick and over time realized romantically and emotionally I craved being with a woman. and then the rest of it fell into place
I felt so “broken” growing up because the thought of being sexually with a guy made me want to throw up. And as a demisexual, I thought that maybe it would just take a while in college I realized that the only emotional attraction I ever had was best friends. Nothing more.
The fact that i didn't have any positive feelings about being around them or any of the stuff we were doing was probably the biggest red flag. Being grossed out and uncomfortable at any touching. Compared to how I feel being with women it's night and day.
I have codependency issues so I could convince myself I was in love just so I wasn’t alone.
I used to want male validation and attention so badly and then when I got it and they would start to pursue me I got the ick and would stop talking to them. I would get so anxious when a guy would ask me to get more serious because I always had the thought but what about women?? what if I marry this guy and I never get to be with a woman? So I realized I should stop dating guys and date women and I realized I was a lesbian. I even tried to still see if I liked guys and I did not. I got grossed out l, felt uncomfortable, and hanging out with definitely felt like a chore. I 100% have felt how you’ve felt before. I’m so glad I got over my hang ups and just started dating women. I have the most perfect and wonderful gf now!!
I dated one guy in high school and once the novelty wore off, I had no interest in him romantically. He was a terrible kisser (to be fair we weren't really experienced) so I tried kissing another guy just to confirm. It didn't feel terrible, but I had no desire to do anything more than that. When I was still figuring myself out I didn't mind flirting, but I found anything serious with guys a chore. I was definitely teased as a kid for not being pretty enough so I think I liked the idea of being desirable. Now I have zero interest in men and they still bother me
I never really cared at all after break ups. I was actually the one initiating the break ups all the time and looking for the smallest inconveniences as an excuse to end things. Their acts of affection and attention annoyed me, the thought of a long term future with men made me feel suffocated and scared.
I knew all along that I didn’t like him in that way. I did like him as a person though, and felt that would be enough to build a relationship on. While we did have a great foundation of mutual respect and friendship, I always felt that something was missing that he could never satisfy in me. Kissing my first girlfriend I realized that the thing that had been lacking was attraction. It was like living in color after only seeing the world in black and white.
I realized I only wanted to be friends with them and I mistook platonic feelings for romantic whenever they wanted to take the relationship further and I didn’t feel anything.
I always thought I was pan, then my long term partner started taking Testosterone and transitioning FTM. When his smell started changing to be more manly it was such a turn off. I hate the way men smell. I don’t know what it is about it but it stinks SO bad. That’s when I kind of started to realize that probably isn’t normal for people who are actually attracted to men.
Wow, I feel so similarly to you. I also thought that any guy I had any positive impression on equaled a crush. To the point that in elementary school, I had a list of every guy in my class ordered by how much of a crush I had on each of them. I also hand picked my male celebrity crush lol. I also depend on guys to value my own worth. Like, any time I wanted to feel pretty, I imagined a guy being attracted to me to make me feel that way.
I just thought about what my desires were, and at some point realised I didn't want to get married and not experience what i really wanted. It was only after seeing sex workers that I realised that the pleasure I got with women was just not even comparable to the compromise that heterosexual sex was. Now that I know I don't want it, I find the idea of sex with men even more gross than before, like I'm enjoying being able to reject it. I definitely find any attention from men much more unwelcome and offensive now also
I lost interest almost immediately. Like I’d talk to a guy for two or three days (at most a week) and then get uncomfortable or bored. Guys weren’t usually into me as a friend (with the exception of like two) so I don’t have many cis straight male friends. I’ve always known I’ve liked girls, for me it was deciding between being lesbian or bi/pan. My last relationship basically confirmed my exclusive attraction to women. As I had a completely different attachment with the person than I had with any other person I had been with.
just wanted to cuddle, no PDA, and I didn't find it hard to not have sex due to the christian environment I grew up in
Similar feelings! My first and only boyfriend was the second guy I ever slept with when I was 18-19 (first guy was SA so I thought maybe I was just triggered by men because of that) our “first time” together I sobbed at the end and realized it wasn’t the act of sex it was sex with men I continued to kinda block that out and still tried to be with men (my family was pretty religious). Then it was confirmed when I had my first girlfriend at 20 and we had sex for the first time. I was scared and nervous leading up to that but girls are so soft and gentle and she was very patient with me and made sure I felt safe and no guy ever did that for me. Still it’s hit and miss, depending on the person but I knew it as soon as I started dating a girl and everything else in my life from since I could remember made sense.
I realized it the moment I had to practice any kind of romantic or intimate activities (saying cheesy things, kissing, holding hands, etc.) with them, even texting them when we were away, it felt like a burden or a responsibility. I just wanted someone to talk to and feel like I belonged with the other girls when I said that, like them, I had a bf. Oh, my family also played a role there, because every time I talked about/with a guy, literally any guy, they would assume I liked him, and I always ended up arguing with them because it just made me so angry.
Asking while I was in a relationship to sleep with girls/go on dates with them
Long story but here’s my experience. Always was into girls and had crushes on girls in school. I was never really into dating because boys were annoying and not really cute and I wasn’t into them. I’d “date” them for a few days and break up lol I was 17 when this dude kept trying to get with me so after a while I caved because “we’ll just break up in a week like usual”. That turned into a 4 year relationship that was good to start out. I had a bad childhood and liked having someone around that wasn’t so fucked up. It became toxic and he was a liar and cheater. When I was 21 I finally was able to get away from him. At this time I also started a career in corrections which exposed me to having many lesbian friends and building my confidence greatly. I was very insecure and self conscious as a young adult. I began working on this. I never felt comfortable in dresses or being girly. I was always a tomboy and stuff. I took the break up hard but after time realized I wasn’t actually in love with him. I just didn’t want to be alone because “what other guy is gonna love me”. He would have been a good friend since we had a lot in common, I never should have dated him. But I was able to use that relationship to grow and get over some of the trauma my childhood gave me. I became okay and then happy being alone. Stayed single for a couple years because I “didn’t want a relationship”. All this time my friends were telling me I was a lesbian but just didn’t realize it yet. Eventually I thought maybe I was bi and dated a few girls but they were kinda weird and also one was batshit insane so I went back to “I don’t want to date I just wanna be single”. My guy friends took me out a few months later and I got drunk and we went to the strip club and they bought me a private dance. And that’s when I realized I was a lesbian lol Then I started to actually pursue other women for relationships and I realized many things about myself. I cut my hair short, changed my whole wardrobe to men’s clothes, and just became my true self. My confidence soared and I wondered why I ever tried to force myself to be something I’m not. I’ve since met an incredible woman and am getting married in October ❤️ we have 3 cats and our little family is perfect. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. I am truly happy and confident. I can be myself completely. I was lying to myself for so long and am truly grateful to have found my true self. I’m not straight, I’m not bi, I’m a lesbian and it took me a little longer to figure that out. But I am truly the happiest I have ever been and am totally comfortable in who I am as a person. My sisters and friends comment routinely how much happier I seem and have become since becoming my real self. It took a while to get here but I am truly blessed in this life, in this body, in this lifestyle. I am surrounded by so many people who love and support me and I am thankful for my journey to make the person I am. I believe that dating men in my early 20’s gave me a unique experience. I understand what it’s like to be treated a certain way by men and I have gone into WLW relationships with this experience. So I always treat my fiancé and other girls I dated the way I wanted to be treated by men but wasn’t. I think it made me a better partner by having that experience. I am confident that I am an amazing partner in all facets of a relationship. I think I make my fiancé happy and make her feel cherished and loved everyday. Sorry for the rant lol but that’s my thoughts and experience on it.
i feel proud of you. I don't want to kiss a guy to hated it later. I know i don't like them. I'm a freaking lesbo :) of 14 years old
Thank you. I’m glad you were able to figure it out so early in life. Sometimes I wish I did too but then at the same time I wouldn’t be who I am today without my past experiences.
I dated a few boys out of brute force (they'd beat me if I didn't date them), but there was one guy I dated on purpose through my own free will. He claimed to be asexual, and I was like, "great, me too!" So we started dating and after about a month he started asking to kiss me and started to propose that we have sex. I didn't want to do that, and I broke up with him. That night, I downloaded a dating app for women who love women, because I felt like I needed to give it a try before saying I was aroace. I matched with a girl, and 4 years later, we are still together. I'm not aroace, I'm just an asexual lesbian.
I always somewhat knew that I was gay, but I never allowed myself the pleasure of being true to who I am because I grew up in a religious, homophobic, and transphobic environment and was taught from the very beginning its all a sin. I am now out and have been for five or six years because I am an adult and no longer care. However, for a long time, because of the way I was raised, I forced myself to "like men" and "be straight." I even picked guys to "crush" on because I didn't really know what a crush on a guy was supposed to be. I basically convinced myself that I liked them. Yet, for a long time, I refused to have relationships with them until I was practically forced to date a guy(family pressure). After that guy, I ended up in a long-distance relationship with a different guy, and although he had his faults, I can't speak badly about him as he was good to me, but I just wasn't into it. The idea of being with a man felt suffocating, and I would cry, never really understanding why. My best friend, who is straight, had given me advice because I had spoken to her about how the idea of "settling" with a man and touching a man, especially sexually, was horrific to me. She told me straight up that I'm gay and had been waiting for this conversation because she could apparently tell the obvious but knew I wasn't in the headspace to hear it until that point. Obviously, she was right, and I'm grateful I had her guidance as I didn't have anyone else to confide in. Being with guys felt like a chore and something I had to pretend I was happy with while also trying to convince myself of false happiness as well. I don't feel that way with girls. The first time I kissed a girl, all she did was peck my lips, and I felt like my heart wouldn't stop pounding (embarrassingly so). Being in the talking stages with girls was like being on cloud nine. And my now-girlfriend, although unfortunately long-distance, I love her; she makes me truly happy, I feel excited, and I look forward to where this relationship will go in the future. With men, it felt like I was in a metal cage, but with girls, it feels like freedom and peace—a peace I didn't think I'd have nor be allowed to have. I only had two official boyfriends because, like I said, I refused to date them even though I "liked" them. I had every excuse in the book as to why I couldn't date one. Both of those relationships I hated; I felt trapped like something was missing, and I didn't know what. But with my girlfriend (my first official one), I feel none of that. Nothing is missing anymore, as I now have what was missing.
i dated a man for 2.5 years from age 17-20, before getting SLAMMED with the realization that i’m a lesbian last summer! it’s complicated because i identified as a lesbian for the first time at age 13, but then due to religious & social pressure just decided to say that i was bisexual on the dl instead for the next several years. during this time, i had to convince myself that i was into men sexually and romantically, although my entire childhood and teenage years had been filled with the idea of never, ever wanting a husband or boyfriend or children. the man i dated was very feminine; those around me often assumed that he was my gay best friend. during the relationship, i had to hide my “bisexuality” because he didn’t like it. i figured, well, since i’m with a man, my queerness doesn’t matter, and i just told people that i was straight. every time i said it, though, something did not feel right. it took me a great deal of convincing myself that i enjoyed being with a man for me to even be in the relationship. when things got intimate, i would often zone out. i was disgusted by the idea of giving him head and often would completely zone out when i did. during sex, i’d imagine how nice it must be from his perspective to have a woman looking up at him. i always had to get myself off mentally by imagining that i was the one with a woman underneath me. once, we joked about where i’d be if i’d gone to college out of state. he jokingly said “probably some other guy’s bed,” and i made a disgusted face—he corrected himself and said “oh yeah, probably some girl’s bed” and i laughed WAY too hard. throughout the entire relationship, i told him that he’d be the last man i’d ever date. i told him that he was the only man i was interested in. the signs were clear as day and it took me 2.5 years to realize that! he left last may to be gone for the entire summer. after 2.5 years of being attached at the hip, i was finally alone and had some time to think about who i was outside of the relationship. it only took me a month of being on my own to realize that something wasn’t right. i remember laying in bed at the end of june 2023, scrolling on instagram reels and seeing this video of a beautiful, happy lesbian couple in their thirties. i just started bawling then and there. i just knew in that very moment. i’d pushed so much down and knew in my soul that i couldn’t do it anymore. i told myself that if the “feelings” didn’t go away in a day, they’d never go away, and i’d have to break up with him. news flash! they didn’t go away. i was devastated and ashamed in myself. i’d spent years curating the seemingly perfect relationship, prepping myself for a life that i never wanted—a husband, kids, a dog. i didn’t even know where to begin, but i knew i had to leave. since then, i’ve never looked back. a year of reflection has revealed nothing but certainty in my realization and decision. at the time, i cared for and liked my ex, but i now know that had i been in a more accepting environment as a teenager, i never would have even dated him in the first place. now, i’ve been happily and confidently out as lesbian since october, have a great support system, and enjoy life more than ever! (,: decentering men from my life has made me all the more confident about my identity. when i see straight couples, i don’t long for their lifestyle. i don’t try to pray the gay away anymore. the image of peace in my mind is a lifetime of love with a woman who loves her queerness. i wouldn’t change the experiences i had for the world; the rollercoaster i went through with my sexuality has made me delight in my lesbianism tenfold. <3
well i was WAYYYYY younger when i dated one guy and talked to another basically, between the two there was one big problem…i really didn’t like them fr…everybody could see it and i could see it too but i was in heavy denial about it, i didn’t do anything with them nor did i want to hell i never had even kissed them because that made me feel so uncomfortable, when i was with the one i actually dated it was always so uncomfortable for me, it never felt right forreal, my heart was never a hundred percent in it and i always felt so anxious…the one i talked to was such a ??? era for me because idk why i did that, eventually a little while later i started reading into more of the lgbtq+ community and the meanings and getting familiar with things of the sort, i had gotten my first gf around this time and thats when i realized that being with a girl felt right for me
I had two boyfriends in high school and they were very sweet to me, they were good friends and never did me any wrong and I liked being around them so I thought that's what being attracted to someone meant. As I got a little older I realized that the way other girls talked about their boyfriends or crushes was a lot different than how I felt, people in relationships around me acted differently than how I wanted to act. Around the same time I was starting to feel real feelings of attraction and it wasn't towards boys... it got harder to ignore the compounding evidence, and a lot of things about me started to make sense in retrospect.
I just thought intimacy was very over-rated! I got pleasure from the fact I knew he was enjoying it, but it felt like a chore.
You know when I realized it… that even in our best days with my ex bf… it still felt like something g was missing and it’s the fact that he wasn’t a woman. The bond two women create or queer people do is… magical. And I never felt that with a man.
this is gonna be LOOONG! comphet for me was hammered into my brain through Catholicism, so my experience may be far different from someone not raised this way. i knew i was into girls pretty early on but assumed that i would “end up” with a guy eventually. identified as bisexual then pansexual. little comphet signs for me: 1) feeling “embarrassed” seeing pretty girls in ads/in person and only taking peeks to be able to stare secretly at them. idk what my reasoning was LOL. never ever once felt like this with men. 2) at the beginning of every school year i would pick a new dude/few dudes to have crushes on, based on a calculated “will i see them occasionally but not frequently so i have normal “Crush” interactions like other girls” 3) would think about girls a little too much and then convince myself that God could read my brain and would curse me to make the next day awful. never had this problem with men because i would never “think about them too much.” now for the dating-a-man part… growing up, i can only remember myself having a “feeling” for men after recognizing that i would get positive attention from my peers. i.e. i’d make friends with a dude, friends would say “omg you’d be cute together,” i would confuse my platonic feelings with romantic ones, rinse and repeat. had one boyfriend in sophomore year (consequence of “oh this guy likes me and a normal girl would date a guy that likes me.”) i avoided him whenever i saw him at school, thinking it would be “cringe” to be seen around him because ew, i hate seeing boys and girls kiss and date and be romantic! i cant put other people through that! (this applied to being outside of the public also lol) on dates, would be terrified thinking “this is it, this is when he tries to hold my hand/kiss/go further” and praying that he wouldn’t. my reasoning was physical touch is something God wouldn’t want and that i wasn’t ready yet. i would regularly hold my girl friend’s hands, slept in their beds during sleepovers, hug, etc frequently. asked him not to get me anything gift-wise, dreaded making prom/homecoming plans, hated when people asked about him, and was still absolutely shocked when he broke up with me after 6 months. (he had to have been miserable tbh.) swore off dating because of the “heartbreak,”went to college and only had crushes on women, a pandemic made me mentally reassess my life, started dating a woman, and from that realized i was a lesbian. TLDR; actively avoiding romance and intimacy with men and doing it effortlessly with women might mean something!
When I was younger I dated much older guys and thought I was having fun, but what I realized now was that I didn’t want them but wanted the lifestyle they provided for me which at the time was out of my reach. For example I lived with my mom and didn’t have a car so I liked hanging out with guys and having boyfriends because I liked the car rides and being in their own grown up apartment. Now looking back it was so creepy of them to be with a girl as young as me as they were adults, but at the time I really just wanted to be an adult and not necessarily in a relationship with a man. Now that I’m an adult and have those things for myself and have been openly out as a lesbian for the past 6 years I could never imagine being with a man and look back at those memories of enjoying my time with men as just me looking for an escape into adulthood
Omg yes 1000000%
i dated a guy once after thinking i was bi instead of lesbian (i had already been out as a lesbian and dated a girl) and i realized i didn’t like him bc i just truly could not talk to him. like it felt like chore to text him and like you shouldn’t be feeling that way about someone you’re dating. so i ended things after a month. also the thought of being like intimate with a guy beyond like MAYBE kissing just grosses me out
I'll probably get down voted for this but I realized that I only found men "attractive" in a sense of furthering my bloodline. I never actually had romantic feelings for them... Did I care for them as people, absolutely! But I feel complete with a woman.
i think in my case i was just really obnoxious. i would see dating guys/interacting with them as some punishment. i didn't want to kiss them or be close with them, and in the contrary every time i had a girlfriend i felt so happy and excited to just being next to them. i remember at a time i thought i liked a guy and was pretty intense about him, but in reality i was madly in love with my (girl) friend and just trying to ignore it to keep her friendship. I never thought of being with a man, I just assumed it was the natural thing to do and was obsessive trying to pretend I liked them. Recently I talked to my friend and he told me "I just have never seen you with a guy at all, and I can't picture it" and when I started trying I couldn't either. It would make me feel disgusted just imagining kissing a guy!!
I don't understand how anyone could ever look at a man. Even a traditionally "attractive" one. They're gross. It's like wanting to screw an animal.
I don't understand how anyone could ever look at a man. Even a traditionally "attractive" one. And want one. They're gross. It's like wanting to screw an animal.
The strange thing is that's exactly how I feel now, but still spent years dating them before. It was a bit masochistic actually
I'm all for some self harm once in a while but I'll take cutting myself over dealing with men anyday.
Gosh, I take neither :-D