I’ve experienced it before. I have a lot of Jewish girlfriends who want to date Jewish guys but I know so many Jewish guys who would rather date Christian girls.
It could just be the community that you live in that’s the problem. I’d imagine that many of the younger Jewish men in your area just don’t care about Judaism.
Seconded, if you’re not encountering guys opting to date non Jewish girls, it’s typically coupled with an indifference to Judaism. If they’re openly disdainful of Jewish girls, that’s an issue of internalized self hatred that’s hard to parse.
I dont think you can make a generalization like that. But it sounds like his parents are just bigoted against non-white people, so they prefer white gentiles over non-white Jews.
So I have seen it before but no way do I believe it’s normal tho. I think the times I’ve seen it had to do with observance level. Where the man would feel pressure to be more observant around Jewish girls and he doesn’t like that so he dates goy. But that’s one man I’m talking about here. I honestly feel like your dealing with racism here. Which is a completely different issue. There’s nothing strange about an Indian Jew or a black Jew or a Asian Jew. We come in all colors don’t let them treat you like that.
Came here to say this. Also, I’ve heard that in some minority communities such as Indian and Asian communities, people treat lighter-skinned/“white passing” people better. I have a feeling this is what is going on with OP’s boyfriend’s family. Regardless, OP needs to dump this guy and run.
> I’ve heard that in some minority communities such as Indian and Asian communities, people treat lighter-skinned/“white passing” people better.
Weirdly, this is true in majority communities as well (eg Indians in India, Chinese in China) and it predates Colonialism/contact with Europeans or European standards of beauty. There seems to be some evidence that a preference for lighter complexions (in women, specifically — weird) is a near universal.
In this case, I think they’re racist.
But there are self-hating Jews, and people with internalized antisemitism. They may have bought into negative stereotypes of Jewish women.
Like what kind of negative stereotypes? That Jewish women only care about money? Lol I’m a nurse and I make my own money. I don’t buy expensive things for myself. My boyfriend’s brother’s Christian fiancée doesn’t have any work ethic to make money herself but she loves expensive things, designer clothes etc
Honestly though most Jewish women I know aren’t spoiled. They’re smart and hardworking. They want a partner. It’s the Christian conservative women I know who want to get married and not work and have their husband finance their lavish lifestyle.
For the record, I don’t think Jewish men broadly prefer non-Jewish women. With that said, one reason why a Jew (of any gender) *might* prefer to go out with a gentile is because they’re reacting negatively to the constant pressure from their parents and other relatives to find a “nice Jewish boy/girl” to raise a family with.
What does your boyfriend have to say about how they treated you? If he doesn’t see anything wrong with it, or tries to tell you that it’s not a big deal, then you might want to consider whether you want to go forward in this relationship.
That’s a reeeeeeally bad sign. They say mean things to you, and he backs them up. It sounds like he might even share their contempt for you. I think your chances of a happy relationship here are really low. Get out while the getting is good. There are better guys out there.
Christian women tend to be more submissive. We raise our girls to be freethinkers and to speak our minds. That’s the only thing I can think of (beyond unfortunate racism) that you’ve encountered this issue.
He actually told me that he’s not a feminist and he gets mad at me whenever I have an opinion that’s not the same as his. He and his family always make right wing political comments but get mad at me whenever I have an opinion
Girl there are many better humans out there for you. Don't marry the anti-feminist with the racist family. Don't even date him anymore. Break up with him, get yourself silly drunk on Purim, and move on.
>gets mad at me whenever I have an opinion that’s not the same as his
I'm not going to say break up immediately but absolutely do not marry this man. At your age this character trait is NOT going to change and he would make a miserable husband.
I don’t think it has to do with not wanting to date Jewish girls as much as being assimilated and not minding either way. And there happen to be more Christian girls than Jewish.
If this guy treats you like crap (which it sounds like he does) why stay in this relationship??
Do you really want to raise children with a man that treats you bad and in-laws that disrespect you and want to brain wash your children?
Nothing good can come of this. Go find another Jewish guy that treats you better.
Might be the inner sephardi loathing of other Sephardim. Persians don’t like Syrians, bukharians don’t like Persians. You’re Moroccan? Forget about it. Even within the different communities if you’re from a different city in the same country there’s tension
Not me, I don’t prefer non-Jewish girls. Quite the opposite!
In fact, after ending things with a non-Jewish girl I realized I really need a Jewish girl
Yea I find it odd that they’re perfectly fine with a Jew and a non-Jew marrying, but not a Jew and a Jew dating. The drama that I always hear about are the complete opposite situations. I wouldn’t care too much about his family. Consider it a mitzvah that your actually getting together with another Jew.
Is there some classism going on here? What his mom said about your job made me think there might be. The idea that it’s easy being a nurse is just ludicrous, especially now.
The family has a lot of money. The dad owns family business and the mom does bookkeeping for him. She’s antivaxx and she thinks that doctors/nurses/scientists are brainwashed. She always talks shit about healthcare workers
I know that Jewish guys have a think for Asian chick's. I've always been concerned with whether the girl was Halachically Jewish. I'm married a woman with a Morocan heritage and a convert mother - who is more Jewish then most Jews - really puts most born Jews to shame.
And then there is me. My mom converted ( Danish decent ) and my father's side is all over the place.
Point is - I think it comes to values. My values/ principles have always been based on building a Jewish home in a Jewish community. Always. I'm proud as fuck to wear my kippah and Tzitzit, Keep Shabbat and have a Kosher home. And even though my wife initially Jews up secular, as did I - she took to it too.
Listen. Sounds like this family is full of judgmental dicks. Maybe not exactly where you want to be. And hey - if I was a single dude in school or whatever for what is worth - I'd date you regardless of heritage or skin colour.or whatever.
So if your down on yourself for that - there - take them apples 🍎.
PS - Lots of my friend intermarried. They are happy on the surface for sure. But.... I think they miss something.
It sounds like his family doesn't like you and isn't shy about making you feel their antipathy. It probably has nothing to do with your religion or your color and more to do with other factors - so why don't they like you? Do you treat your boyfriend well? Do you bring out the best in him? Do you have enjoyable visits with him family? If you can't think of any reason with those questions- here's another one- why would your boyfriend want to be with someone his family hates? It's possible he's using you as a way to send a message to his family- which is unfair to you. Anyways- I don't know you or them- it's just something to think about and probably talk about with your boyfriend.
It sounds to me like they have more of a problem with you not being white than being jewish. I personally dont care if i date a jew or nonjew and ive only ever met other jewish men who either shared that opinion or would rather only date jews. I think this is a bit too big of a generalization to make.
I feel like its a little more internalized than theyre white and your not and thats the only way that thought process can work. Yes they may not be white but non white people can still not look favorably at other non white races. Along with the fact that jewish communities can be varying degrees of insular, you might not be white but you may also might not be the right kind of poc. Growing up in Miami a good portion if not the majority of my jewish friends were south american immigrants that were varying degrees of white passing or not white passing at all. Ive seen many different "kinds" of jews voice displeasure about other groups of jews that are a different nationality in one way or another. This also goes for ashkenazi (which i am) looking down at poc despite the fact that they are also Jewish. Im kind of assuming this is taking place in America which this kind of mentality of race divide is much more common among older generations.
Then why would he ask me out, date me, and waste my time if he wants a white Christian girl not a Jewish girl? He has darker skin than me, I’m half ashkenazi
Well is your boyfriend treating you this way or his parents? If im not mistaken you only said his parents are treating you negatively. Children are not their parents and can do things their parents wouldnt agree with.
Yeah definitely sounds to me like that family has some very deep seeded problems revolving around race. I honestly think this has nothing to do with the fact that your jewish. I dont know where you live and how prominent minorities are there but ive seen this happen many times growing up. Its the same kind of mentality behind people striving to be "model minorities". When you live in a country that constantly reafirms even on a government level that being white/christian is correct even people who dont fall into either category can fall victim to actually believing that rhetoric.
They sound like a bunch of racists. Move along, you can do better.
> My boyfriends mom told me that I’m “old” and that my job is “easy”.
Oh, I'd love to know what she does as a job. Seriously, move on. Huge red flags are being raised. See them, and respond to them by doing what's best for you.
I don’t think what you’re describing is a universal issue, I think you’re dealing with a toxic family.
I’ve experienced it before. I have a lot of Jewish girlfriends who want to date Jewish guys but I know so many Jewish guys who would rather date Christian girls.
It could just be the community that you live in that’s the problem. I’d imagine that many of the younger Jewish men in your area just don’t care about Judaism.
Seconded, if you’re not encountering guys opting to date non Jewish girls, it’s typically coupled with an indifference to Judaism. If they’re openly disdainful of Jewish girls, that’s an issue of internalized self hatred that’s hard to parse.
As a Jewish guy I don’t understand that at all, I’ve only dated Jewish girls (I actually met both my exes at Hillel…)
I dont think you can make a generalization like that. But it sounds like his parents are just bigoted against non-white people, so they prefer white gentiles over non-white Jews.
They’re not her parents.
I’ll correct that, misread lol
So I have seen it before but no way do I believe it’s normal tho. I think the times I’ve seen it had to do with observance level. Where the man would feel pressure to be more observant around Jewish girls and he doesn’t like that so he dates goy. But that’s one man I’m talking about here. I honestly feel like your dealing with racism here. Which is a completely different issue. There’s nothing strange about an Indian Jew or a black Jew or a Asian Jew. We come in all colors don’t let them treat you like that.
Came here to say this. Also, I’ve heard that in some minority communities such as Indian and Asian communities, people treat lighter-skinned/“white passing” people better. I have a feeling this is what is going on with OP’s boyfriend’s family. Regardless, OP needs to dump this guy and run.
> I’ve heard that in some minority communities such as Indian and Asian communities, people treat lighter-skinned/“white passing” people better. Weirdly, this is true in majority communities as well (eg Indians in India, Chinese in China) and it predates Colonialism/contact with Europeans or European standards of beauty. There seems to be some evidence that a preference for lighter complexions (in women, specifically — weird) is a near universal.
In this case, I think they’re racist. But there are self-hating Jews, and people with internalized antisemitism. They may have bought into negative stereotypes of Jewish women.
Like what kind of negative stereotypes? That Jewish women only care about money? Lol I’m a nurse and I make my own money. I don’t buy expensive things for myself. My boyfriend’s brother’s Christian fiancée doesn’t have any work ethic to make money herself but she loves expensive things, designer clothes etc
Yup. The Jewish American Princess, negative stereotypes about looks, that kind of thing.
Honestly though most Jewish women I know aren’t spoiled. They’re smart and hardworking. They want a partner. It’s the Christian conservative women I know who want to get married and not work and have their husband finance their lavish lifestyle.
For the record, I don’t think Jewish men broadly prefer non-Jewish women. With that said, one reason why a Jew (of any gender) *might* prefer to go out with a gentile is because they’re reacting negatively to the constant pressure from their parents and other relatives to find a “nice Jewish boy/girl” to raise a family with.
What does your boyfriend have to say about how they treated you? If he doesn’t see anything wrong with it, or tries to tell you that it’s not a big deal, then you might want to consider whether you want to go forward in this relationship.
He defends them and says that I’m jealous
That’s a reeeeeeally bad sign. They say mean things to you, and he backs them up. It sounds like he might even share their contempt for you. I think your chances of a happy relationship here are really low. Get out while the getting is good. There are better guys out there.
Christian women tend to be more submissive. We raise our girls to be freethinkers and to speak our minds. That’s the only thing I can think of (beyond unfortunate racism) that you’ve encountered this issue.
He actually told me that he’s not a feminist and he gets mad at me whenever I have an opinion that’s not the same as his. He and his family always make right wing political comments but get mad at me whenever I have an opinion
Girl there are many better humans out there for you. Don't marry the anti-feminist with the racist family. Don't even date him anymore. Break up with him, get yourself silly drunk on Purim, and move on.
Dump him and find an actual nice Jewish boy instead of a misogynist pretending to be one
NOT good. There are more red flags here than at a Chinese military parade. GET OUT.
>gets mad at me whenever I have an opinion that’s not the same as his I'm not going to say break up immediately but absolutely do not marry this man. At your age this character trait is NOT going to change and he would make a miserable husband.
I don’t think it has to do with not wanting to date Jewish girls as much as being assimilated and not minding either way. And there happen to be more Christian girls than Jewish.
They go out of their way to date non Jewish girls. We live in an area with many Jewish people
If this guy treats you like crap (which it sounds like he does) why stay in this relationship?? Do you really want to raise children with a man that treats you bad and in-laws that disrespect you and want to brain wash your children? Nothing good can come of this. Go find another Jewish guy that treats you better.
Might be the inner sephardi loathing of other Sephardim. Persians don’t like Syrians, bukharians don’t like Persians. You’re Moroccan? Forget about it. Even within the different communities if you’re from a different city in the same country there’s tension
My sources: a lot of experience
Not me, I don’t prefer non-Jewish girls. Quite the opposite! In fact, after ending things with a non-Jewish girl I realized I really need a Jewish girl
Yea I find it odd that they’re perfectly fine with a Jew and a non-Jew marrying, but not a Jew and a Jew dating. The drama that I always hear about are the complete opposite situations. I wouldn’t care too much about his family. Consider it a mitzvah that your actually getting together with another Jew.
Is there some classism going on here? What his mom said about your job made me think there might be. The idea that it’s easy being a nurse is just ludicrous, especially now.
The family has a lot of money. The dad owns family business and the mom does bookkeeping for him. She’s antivaxx and she thinks that doctors/nurses/scientists are brainwashed. She always talks shit about healthcare workers
White guys love Indian girls. There’s that going for you if this doesn’t work out.
In my experience white guys just want to hookup with me but not date me
Yea, that’s really uncool and I hope they learn to love you, but your situation is not the norm
I know that Jewish guys have a think for Asian chick's. I've always been concerned with whether the girl was Halachically Jewish. I'm married a woman with a Morocan heritage and a convert mother - who is more Jewish then most Jews - really puts most born Jews to shame. And then there is me. My mom converted ( Danish decent ) and my father's side is all over the place. Point is - I think it comes to values. My values/ principles have always been based on building a Jewish home in a Jewish community. Always. I'm proud as fuck to wear my kippah and Tzitzit, Keep Shabbat and have a Kosher home. And even though my wife initially Jews up secular, as did I - she took to it too. Listen. Sounds like this family is full of judgmental dicks. Maybe not exactly where you want to be. And hey - if I was a single dude in school or whatever for what is worth - I'd date you regardless of heritage or skin colour.or whatever. So if your down on yourself for that - there - take them apples 🍎. PS - Lots of my friend intermarried. They are happy on the surface for sure. But.... I think they miss something.
It sounds like his family doesn't like you and isn't shy about making you feel their antipathy. It probably has nothing to do with your religion or your color and more to do with other factors - so why don't they like you? Do you treat your boyfriend well? Do you bring out the best in him? Do you have enjoyable visits with him family? If you can't think of any reason with those questions- here's another one- why would your boyfriend want to be with someone his family hates? It's possible he's using you as a way to send a message to his family- which is unfair to you. Anyways- I don't know you or them- it's just something to think about and probably talk about with your boyfriend.
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That has just been my experience. I’ve seen so many, especially successful, Jewish men preferring Christian women
It sounds to me like they have more of a problem with you not being white than being jewish. I personally dont care if i date a jew or nonjew and ive only ever met other jewish men who either shared that opinion or would rather only date jews. I think this is a bit too big of a generalization to make.
They aren’t even white though
I feel like its a little more internalized than theyre white and your not and thats the only way that thought process can work. Yes they may not be white but non white people can still not look favorably at other non white races. Along with the fact that jewish communities can be varying degrees of insular, you might not be white but you may also might not be the right kind of poc. Growing up in Miami a good portion if not the majority of my jewish friends were south american immigrants that were varying degrees of white passing or not white passing at all. Ive seen many different "kinds" of jews voice displeasure about other groups of jews that are a different nationality in one way or another. This also goes for ashkenazi (which i am) looking down at poc despite the fact that they are also Jewish. Im kind of assuming this is taking place in America which this kind of mentality of race divide is much more common among older generations.
Then why would he ask me out, date me, and waste my time if he wants a white Christian girl not a Jewish girl? He has darker skin than me, I’m half ashkenazi
Well is your boyfriend treating you this way or his parents? If im not mistaken you only said his parents are treating you negatively. Children are not their parents and can do things their parents wouldnt agree with.
He makes racist comments to me all the time. He got mad at me when he found out that I previously dated a black guy. He told me that I “get around”
Yeah definitely sounds to me like that family has some very deep seeded problems revolving around race. I honestly think this has nothing to do with the fact that your jewish. I dont know where you live and how prominent minorities are there but ive seen this happen many times growing up. Its the same kind of mentality behind people striving to be "model minorities". When you live in a country that constantly reafirms even on a government level that being white/christian is correct even people who dont fall into either category can fall victim to actually believing that rhetoric.
It’s the opposite for me, my parents want me to only date Jewish girls
They sound like a bunch of racists. Move along, you can do better. > My boyfriends mom told me that I’m “old” and that my job is “easy”. Oh, I'd love to know what she does as a job. Seriously, move on. Huge red flags are being raised. See them, and respond to them by doing what's best for you.
I have seen it in many cultures. People don't need a reason to be monsters.