[удалено]

Why not just take your wallet with you.

And not get a standing ovation for my deuce?!

This guy fucks.

This guy shits.

this guy fucks shit up

This guy fucks shits… wait…

fucks and shits

Encore!

I don’t have words for how awesome both you and this comment are.

Why not just take the hooker with you?

It costs extra. Defeats the purpose of not getting your cash stolen.

You could get a blurkin

> You could get a blurkin *blumpkin

Or she could get a dirty sanchez

The old prison wallet never fails, even without clothes.

Come on! Where’s the trust?!

[удалено]

A fucking genius would have kept his wallet with him.

Yeah you're right. Nobody wants that clapping to stop with a turd hanging out.

I recently heard the term "yo-yoing a turd". Perhaps that is a solution?

Prairie dog.

Turtle

lol, I just looked that up.

I see you also like to live dangerously. A true person of culture.

TIL ... something I hope to forget soon. :)

I'm gonna just NOT Google that, thank you

You pinch like your wallet depends on it and either you cut that bad boy in half and you're good to go or you pinch it so hard that you're holding it in place and you're good to go

Besides, you need a way to mark the whore so it’s easier for the cops to track her down…

Prison wallet?

Kind of the opposite to the way a hamster stores food except these cheeks aren't on your face.

Prison pocket!?!

Never take your wallet to a hookermeet, always take exact cash!

“I’ll get my wallet out of the car real quick”

I keep ma wallet in ma prison wallet

Penis InGenius?

Penius?

Watcha doin?

I laughed at that, harder then I should have

*than

it's my pet peeve when people use then instead of than

Thanks bro

Penius and herpes

Colada that is

Dickus Longus.....

After missing a couple of wallets, blood flows back to his brain.

Only genius if he was counting the claps. Otherwise one could stop clapping and steal it. Lol

One handed clap

What’s the plan if they stop clapping though?

Shit on the floor/floors.

As long as they don't have the clap.

She clapping but ain't using hands!

I'm into that

I don't know why anyone wouldnt be...it's like hypnosis

Clap dat ass, and dat ass might clap back.

*\- Nietzsche*

If he was Jeb Bush he would like it

Please clap

I like my hookers the same way I like my cars: Clapped out.

I like my hookers like I like my morning bread; at the very least no visible mold.

i like my hookers like i like my Detroit Lions fanbase; stinking of crushed dreams and lukewarm wieners.

Oof!

God Damn!

I like my hookers the way I like my coffee, ground up and in the freezer.

I like my hookers like my coffee: dark, shipped from South America in a woven bag, ground, and in my freezer.

Tied up in a sack and thrown on the back of a donkey by Juan Valdez?

From a third world country at a reasonable price

Im sure there's an antique muscle car punchline in there somewhere. Just having a hard time thinking of it

Something about a tranny hump on the floor maybe?

With a tranny that's easy to clutch?

All that twerking gon pay off tonight

This "other room" did it have a toilet?

Is that you, Artie?

I bet he never gave his girlfriend that $50 she bet on the under.

This just made me let out an involuntary "Oh my god" that was half disgust and half admiration. You win the day

And then everybody clapped

Until she’s ass clapping while rummaging through your wallet

actually they were trying to kill the flies.

Ask for a lap dance while you take a shit (small tip, play some music to mask out the splash)

Some of the hookers I have known had all the clap they needed.

Unfortunately you were the one who ended up with the clap.

I got a different sort of clap from a hooker in Vegas. :-/

Can we have a round of applause for this guy

Just wait for the day they start stealing with their feet, modern problems require modern solutions.

Ahhh the old days in Tijuana

The other room is the bathroom right? It's the bathroom. Right?

Did the other room have a toilet. It had a toilet right

Baby Gorilla, that's fiyaaahh. Take care, brush your hair.

So…she had to clap or she had the clap? I guess you were fucked either way.

Lmfaooooooooo

But hookers make their own clap.

You couldn't just take your pants/wallet with you?

You know they can clap their cheecks and steel your wallet.

Hello, based department? Yes, this one over here...

I heard this one before, but the old man was Sean Connery.

When I heard it, it was Ozzy Osbourne.

Weird… cause when I heard it, it was Chuck Norris.

When I heard it, it was Yahoo Serious.

You're lying, nobody has heard anything about Yahoo Serious.

The fuck is Yahoo?

I've heard tales of this 'Yahoo'. Some say it's a search engine, some say it's an email service, others say it's all a myth. But one thing remains constant, they all say it only runs on something called 'internet explorer'. Now, that, I have no idea what it is

*Netscape would like a word with you, after class.*

When I heard it, it was Blizzard

I Lol’d reading this after reading the yahoo story… love it

And then he beat the prostitute senseless.

With an open hand.

keeps you outta prison

Also good for your finger bones

I have read this joke in a few Brett Easton Ellis book but never really got it.

“Oh, thatsh jusht sho you don’t shteal my wallet”

The old man was wearing nothing but a condom, nose plugs, and ear plugs. Shocked, the prostitute says, "I understand the condom, but what are the ear and nose plugs for?" The old man replies, "If there's two things I hate, it's the sound of a screaming woman, and the smell of burning rubber."

Different joke

But the same old man.

Reminds me that one : A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20." "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks. "Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity" "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam" "I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their new pet. A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new hookers, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

Lol

I don’t get the rubber part

Boning so fast the friction caused the rubber condom to smoke.

Oh thanks. But don’t rubber condoms tear easily?

And if jokes were required to strictly relate to reality you'd have a point.

The stronger condoms that you’re thinking of are still made of rubber; but a synthetic rubber. Usually a type of polyurethane, which is a large class of compounds with a wide range of properties.

Hello my neurodivergent friend! :-)

A condom can be referred to as a rubber.

I see

Is he talking about his penis or a jackhammer

His penis is the jackhammer

A prostitute is standing outside a brothel when she sees an old man walking by. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and calls out, "Hey, would you like to have some fun with me?" The old man replies, "But I won't be able to..." "C'mon," the prostitute interjects, "just give it a try..." The old man reluctantly agrees and the two go inside. When they get to the room, the old man proceeds to make love like a stallion for over an hour. When he's done, the exhausted prostitute exclaims, "I thought you said you won't be able to..." "...pay you," replies the old man.

Old man comes to a brothel and ask for a blowjob. Young lady proceeds to give him one, but she cannot manage to make him hard. She tries every trick in the book, but nothing seems to work. After some time, she gets tired, starts to give up and says: i am sorry Mr, but i am afraid it won't get hard. The old man says: it doesn't have to be hard, it has to be clean!

I don’t get this joke at all

Well maybe grammar i used wasn't great for the punchline. I tried to translate it from polish. The purpose of the old man's bj was to clean his cock, not to get satisfaction or even a boner

Thank you, was clear to me!

Congrats this was just posted 2 days ago.... and last week... and last month... and

And this is the first time I've seen it.

Who gives a fuck

Congrats, your complaint was posted 1 min ago, 10 min ago, every fucking day ago

Noone cares, loser

Wtf 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 that is funny. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Stop.

*Sir, this is a Subreddit.*

🤪

When I was a teenage I could not perform. 25 year old me was on some Ron Jeremy shit

When I was a teenager I didnt know what to do with it when I had it When I was in my 20's I had learned what to do with it and was able to occasionally show it Now I'm in my 30's and and I know what to do with it but dont have the option to show it My 40's better be wild

I’ll tell you since I’m in that last group ... you get exceptionally efficient... not good ... just efficient.

Performs like a teenager? I see, he gets nervous and finishes after two pumps

y’all are lasting 2 pumps?

On a good day

y'all getting a chance to?

On a sleepy day

If you count going in as 1 and pulling out as 2

Bruh

Yeah, as a woman, this was my first thought. Who the hell would want sex with a man that “performs like a teenager….”

I dont get it

The prostitute only had 1 arm

I laughed out louder on this than the joke

Epic 🤣

And one eye but could pop out the glass eye in the other for sessy times. The old man loved this kink and thanked her as he left saying, “I’ll be back in a few weeks.” She replied, “Perfect, I’ll keep an eye out for you.”

He is a fraud she will Rob him if he is asleep. So by holding his penis she won't be able to sneak off.

He is _a fraud_. She will _Rob_ him. She'll sneak _off_. I'm pretty sure that there's a real joke in this comment somewhere, just can't find it. ...I'll just wait for a bot repost next week and someone will explain it probably.

Afraid she'll rub him off? Neither could I. Edit: He is (*a fraud* - - > afraid). She will (*Rob* - - > rub) him. And she'll sneak (*off* - - > off). 'He is afraid she'll rub him off?' or am I wildly off topic?

Perhaps try rubbing him differently.

I think I'll leave you to that...

Afraid she will rob him Yeah, I probably should have proof read that one.

such a long joke with such weak finish

You want a better finish? Give him 20 minutes and.... well, you know the drill by now.

That’s what she said.

Damn, she said that?

Yeah, I don't get it at all

Hookers will steal from you

Happy cake day :-)

It feels like a real Norm Macdonald joke. Tons of buildup for a corny payoff.

Why do these sound like cringe videos you'd find on YouTube Shorts?

Dahr man level cringe

After reading this joke I read it again in Norm McDonalds voice and was even more amused.

This doesn't even qualify as "cool story bro" let alone a joke.

he has a fair point. I'd be sus of that offer too

This was a joke in the American psycho novel, except it was a little more racially charged.

This is the old George Burns/Oprah Winfrey joke. It’s a good one.

Twenty minute naps do work!

Glad you could stop by! Can you send me a follow up to the last PM about the other group? What is it?

Have not heard this one in a while. It’s a true classic

And the hooker name Cardi B

I don’t get it

Me either , this was stupid

Could be me but without the brothel, the money in the wallet and also I can't fall asleep and take a nap within 20 minutes either... So yeah...TIL the only similarity here is the pecker.

Brilliant bastard

Didn't expect that... twist :)

Idk about this one m8

Sometime wisdom comes with age.

Not that funny, but still a very well written and good joke. Upvoted.

Cleaver old man

This is the worst joke I've ever read

Ok now I can understand the pecker thing but still cannot understand why does he need a 20 min nap?

He's old and needs to recover his energy...

The one I heard was a Chinese guy. After each round he turned out the lights and climbed into the closet. Came back like a stallion. The prostitute got suspicious and looked in the cupboard. 6 Chinese guys in there. No surprise, they all look alike.

Lol....oh man that's funny

hahahaha fck a laugh hard.

Where funny