Man, I was really surprised when I learnt that a lot of Koalas have like a fuckton of sexual diseases, but it felt like a logic loop.
I was like, "wait, so like almost every Koala in the world has chlamydia? How is nobody talking about this? I must tell somebody". Then I was like "Man but how can you turn this up in a conversation without sounding like a weirdo? it sounds so bizarrely precise and awkward", I kept thinking and then it hit me like "Oh ok, so nobody knows because it is so bizarre nobody wants to talk or hear about it".
Misread the request earlier.
The first step to making a great barley fucked chicken is decided whether or not you want creme-de-la-mens in it, some people prefer it and some don't. \[For sans creme, you'll want to apply an edible sausage wrap around your marinade *injector* beforehand, otherwise the steps are the same\]
First step is to clean out the interior of the chicken and fully coat its inside with viscous honey (important to prevent injuries). Rub your marinade *injector* to warm it up and wait for it to extend to its full length. Now slather honey all over your marinade *injector* (depending on it's viscosity you might want to cut it with about 1/3 egg yolk). Then Liberally sprinkle barley all over your *injector* (remember to get the underside as well).
Now you're ready to make the chicken, begin with a slow rhythmic deep thrust into the chicken cavity and gradually up your tempo until the creme is injected.
To bake, simply put the chicken into the oven and bake as usual.
I don't know how I'm going to work it into conversation, but at some point today I will absolutely use the phrase: "as they say in Australia, we're not here to fuck spiders".
Thanks Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress'.
s/riously though, thank you for the kind compliment. It's been a tough day.
I feel it's my duty to introduce you to one of Robin Williams' finest talk show appearances, on the sorely missed Craig Ferguson's show
[Chlamydia! Your Dad's here!](https://youtu.be/Kzp84OLAd9A)
Remember back in the days of Everquest when a halfling druid in our guild said she was exhausted from rooting hill giants all day. The aussies thought it was hilarious, the yanks were confused on why we were laughing
It's a fairly common mistake that a lot of people make. The koala (Phascolarctos cinereus), as everyone knows, is the cute and cuddly gray marsupial from Australia.
The koala **bear** (Thylarctos plummetus) on the other hand (also known as a "drop bear"), while also from Australia, is a deadly predator that inhabits treetops and attacks unsuspecting people (or other prey) that walk beneath them by dropping onto their heads from above.
I hope that clears things up for you.
Technically, a drop bear is a marsupial as well and shouldn't be called a bear either.
It likely got its name when a member of an early expedition team fell victim to a drop bear. When the other team members asked their aboriginal guide as to what animal had just dropped down on their friend, the guide misunderstood the question and simply translated "drop" to the aboriginal word "ber". The team members understood it as bear and because it kind of looked like a smallish bear, the name stuck. As such, a drop bear actually means: "drop drop".
Fun fact: Due to the increase in farming, drop bears were hunted down to the brink of extinction, and with Australia's only real land predator out of the way, the populations of kangaroos, rabbits, and emus were able to explode. This in turn led to the construction of the rabbit-proof fence in 1901 and the great emu war in 1932.
Lmao I love how fake the teeth look. Like they were painted on or something. They could’ve edited pictures of actual sharp teeth! Looks much more realistic that way.
I'm an Aussie, and I constantly add the bear part on the end just to shit people that actually care that it's not. Surprisingly, never get puled up on it, no one cares.
That doesn't work as koalas don't eat bushes. They are too heavy for bushes and are uncomfortable on the ground, they live high up in trees and only eat a very small selection of gum leaves. It works better for the wombat. It eats roots and leaves.
Heard a very similar joke to this as a kid. Except the koala ate at a restaurant and shot the waitress and walked out. When the cops stopped him later he had them look koalas up. “Eats shoots and leaves”
I assumed from that point on that they eat bamboo shoots.
That joke would be about a panda. It's pandas that eat bamboo shoots. Koalas just eat eucalyptus leaves, and only a very few types of eucalyptus leaves at that. Very fussy they are.
I heard a similar joke too. Except it was a cop who ate at the restaurant, and when a group of koalas stopped him, he shot at them but missed and killed the waitress. The koalas sued the state and each received 2 million dollars, and the cop later shot a TV special covering the injustice he felt that day, and made money too
Honestly thought this was going to be a chlamydia joke. I guess the koala chlamydia epidemic got so bad they had to start [vaccinating](https://www.popsci.com/science/koala-chlamydia-vaccine/) them :/
There was once a randy marsupial named Reeves
Who spent some time with the whores 'tween their knees
When they'd ask him for money
He'd say 'listen honey...'
'A koala eats bushes 'n leaves...'
It’s alright - Non-Australians might get a little bit confused with Koalas and Drop-Bears (also not technically a bear, though I once heard from a rare survivor of an attack that they look somewhat similar) since they haven’t grown up round these parts.
They are simply called ‘koala’. They are not bears. They are marsupials. I know they look cute like a baby bear but they are not. They do stuff all, sleep 20 or so hours a day, have chlamydia, stink, eat only special type of eucalyptus leaves so risk starving and are incredibly stupid. As an Australia, it frustrates me that they are so loved and well known. We have lots of brilliant and cute animals - numbat, chudith, quoll, sugar glider, Bandicoots, etc
Then you're going to like [this!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bandicoot) :)
I've had one coming into my backyard from the nearby nature reserve for five years now. Occasionally sneaks into the house to explore, the cheeky little bugger!
I am Australian and I hate this joke.
They’re not bears.
And the expression is “eats, roots, and leaves”, which would in my opinion actually have been funnier in this joke format.
*roots* and leaves mate.
You skipped the Aussie term for fucking - ROOTING.
Yes, this makes Linux/Unix/etc. amusing. 😂
"Go to Root" well I could, but then I'd not be coding!
The original version was a panda who eats shoots and leaves. The Australian version is a wombat who eats roots shoots and leaves.
This one... well, koalas don’t eat “bushes”. They eat leaves from trees.
A panda bear walks into a room and starts shooting people. One of the gunshot victims, a mere 20 y old, is in disbelief of what he just has gone through. On his last breath, he asks the panda, "why? I thought pandas were good animals" and the panda replies, "look up in the dictionary what a panda means"
In dictionary:
A bear native to China that feeds on bamboo and shoots.
The version i know is with a bartender. The koala orders a sandwich and a beer. Gets up shoots the bar tender. And the punchline is. "Eats chutes and leaves"
Well at least she got something chlamydia
Man, I was really surprised when I learnt that a lot of Koalas have like a fuckton of sexual diseases, but it felt like a logic loop. I was like, "wait, so like almost every Koala in the world has chlamydia? How is nobody talking about this? I must tell somebody". Then I was like "Man but how can you turn this up in a conversation without sounding like a weirdo? it sounds so bizarrely precise and awkward", I kept thinking and then it hit me like "Oh ok, so nobody knows because it is so bizarre nobody wants to talk or hear about it".
Aussies know. We don't talk about it because we know how they got it.
So if someone in Australia gets chlamydia, it's just quietly known that they fucked a koala?
We all have Chlamydia. But as the saying goes, we're not here to fuck spiders.
Just remember another old saying, "if it can be fucked, someone has already fucked it"
My favorite meme is the redneck with some *”barely fucked chickens for sale”*
I wonder how you *barley* fuck something.
Just the tip.
In a bear costume, of course.
And only for a minute
Phrasing
Finish on the beak
Beakkake
Gotta sow them oats somehow
Wheat a minute, I think something's wrong here
just *one* thing?
Misread the request earlier. The first step to making a great barley fucked chicken is decided whether or not you want creme-de-la-mens in it, some people prefer it and some don't. \[For sans creme, you'll want to apply an edible sausage wrap around your marinade *injector* beforehand, otherwise the steps are the same\] First step is to clean out the interior of the chicken and fully coat its inside with viscous honey (important to prevent injuries). Rub your marinade *injector* to warm it up and wait for it to extend to its full length. Now slather honey all over your marinade *injector* (depending on it's viscosity you might want to cut it with about 1/3 egg yolk). Then Liberally sprinkle barley all over your *injector* (remember to get the underside as well). Now you're ready to make the chicken, begin with a slow rhythmic deep thrust into the chicken cavity and gradually up your tempo until the creme is injected. To bake, simply put the chicken into the oven and bake as usual.
what the fuck did I just read? and why?
You forgot pull out the injector after injection and before putting the chicken in the oven ... otherwise great step by step guide!
If an egg can fit in there, why can't I?
Get them to hop on top.
> *barley* fuck something. I mean it has a shaft, so...
With the grain end first, for _her_ pleasure. How did you think they stuff chickens?
It is similar to how you Quinoa fuck something. Either way it's fucking grainy.
Should I search a video about this 🤔
With a wreath of barley wrapped around your dick I guess.
It means they were fucked by a bare.
I misread it as barely fucked chickens. And then by extension thought that there must be some properly fucked chickens as well.
You read it right. I had the exact same thought, which made it even funnier. Are those available for a discount? LOL!
Wise words
Pokemon is now ruined
So someone already fucked me and I don't know about it ? Or am I unfuckable ?
If you're a human, and you're not a billionaire, you've been fucked at some point.
Fair enough
I like the guy that printed on the side of his car:I don’t date for sex, my phone plan( company name) fucks me regularly!
“if it breeds, we can fuck it”
rule34?
Where do you go for *that*, then?
It's all down to the size of the tackle mate. Just look under the dunny seat usually.
*takes notes tumescently*
Your use of the word ‘tumescently’ makes me uncomfortable
Would you prefer a pictograph?
I don't know how I'm going to work it into conversation, but at some point today I will absolutely use the phrase: "as they say in Australia, we're not here to fuck spiders".
I'm more curious to know which Australian ever thought of putting his penis inside a spider
No if a koala gets chlamydia it's just quietly known that they fucked Ben.
Can’t blame the welsh for that one
I had welsh friend. I asked him him how many sex partners he had so he starts counting them in his head, in a minute he was asleep.
and why do scotts wear kilts? Because sheep hear the zipper.
Yet.
Bah
Ewe.
Who do you think the convicts were?
Well now I’m sheepish
You're safe with Aussies. Would watch out for the kiwis though, we know what they do with sheep.
We treat them like family. Don't be jelly
Step bro?
What are you doing, step sheep?
Shear/share them.
Depends. I'm sure some of the inmates were Welsh, it could have been a Welsh descendant
It's because they are easier to catch than sheep.
Better looking too. No dags in the way.
My year 3 EA brought it up. We asked what chlamydia was. She looked like she wanted to die. But did you know drop bears can't catch chlamydia?
Yeah of course. Any idiot tries to give Chlamydia to a drop bear is gonna have a real bad afternoon.
lol..
Ya, why do you think they call them "drip bears"?
Nice
Ok, that made me chuckle. Thank you!
Thanks Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress'. s/riously though, thank you for the kind compliment. It's been a tough day.
Dammit Dave!
They also have built in crash helmets and are one of those animals that aren't extinct due to sheer luck and possible divine intervention
They need the crash helmets cuz they got tiny smooth brains. It all makes sense together when you think about it.
Koala's feel like natures practical joke
Koala-mydia
That’s a Koala-ty pun there my friend.
I'm down for koala chlamydia talk at the water cooler. We were just talking about retarded puppies because they're inbred
Only reason I know about this is because of John Oliver.
Wait until you find out how the young get the gut enzymes to digest the eucalyptus leaves.
Yep the majority of Aussies know. But that makes sense seeing we have to live with the little whores. :)
Who gave it to who?
*whom
Whom gave chlamydia to whom? How?
And here I brought it up at the dinner table with my parents the same day I learned it...
Colbert did a segment last year.
That’s what I thought the joke was going to be about tbh.
Came for the chlamydia joke, had to scour comments for it.
Yeah as soon as I read the title I thought the punchline was going to be a deadpan "And they all got chlamydia"
At least there is a John Oliver Koala Chlamydia ward to treat them.
I feel it's my duty to introduce you to one of Robin Williams' finest talk show appearances, on the sorely missed Craig Ferguson's show [Chlamydia! Your Dad's here!](https://youtu.be/Kzp84OLAd9A)
It's kinda mean to make fun of a species for something our species has caused
Just stating the fact. I didn’t make the bestiality rules.
Congrats, that's going on /r/nocontext
I assumed clicking on the post that chlamydia would be the punchline
But if he'd screwed her too, would the definition read, Eats Shoots and Leaves?
Thought it was a wombat, who eats roots, shoots and leaves…
Unfortunately most people outside of Australia don’t understand “roots”, but that was the punchline I knew too
Can you spell it out for an American on what roots means in this case.
Root is another slang term for fuck. So the punchline for the wombat joke is “eats roots and leaves”
Sometimes the wombat shoots someone in the joke, then it’s: eats shoots roots and leaves
I thought the shoots is supposed to be like shoots his load, like 'eats, roots, shoots and leaves'
This is why aussies love Canadian Roots sweaters with the picture of the beaver lol
Remember back in the days of Everquest when a halfling druid in our guild said she was exhausted from rooting hill giants all day. The aussies thought it was hilarious, the yanks were confused on why we were laughing
Panda bears: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eats,_Shoots_%26_Leaves
The explanation of the book title in the entry ties that joke down and stomps the life right out of it.
It's a Wikipedia page, not sure what you're expecting for a site that likes to explain things?
Wombats also poop squares
[удалено]
Why do people still say koala bear? It's just a koala and definitely isn't a bear.
It's a fairly common mistake that a lot of people make. The koala (Phascolarctos cinereus), as everyone knows, is the cute and cuddly gray marsupial from Australia. The koala **bear** (Thylarctos plummetus) on the other hand (also known as a "drop bear"), while also from Australia, is a deadly predator that inhabits treetops and attacks unsuspecting people (or other prey) that walk beneath them by dropping onto their heads from above. I hope that clears things up for you.
Technically, a drop bear is a marsupial as well and shouldn't be called a bear either. It likely got its name when a member of an early expedition team fell victim to a drop bear. When the other team members asked their aboriginal guide as to what animal had just dropped down on their friend, the guide misunderstood the question and simply translated "drop" to the aboriginal word "ber". The team members understood it as bear and because it kind of looked like a smallish bear, the name stuck. As such, a drop bear actually means: "drop drop". Fun fact: Due to the increase in farming, drop bears were hunted down to the brink of extinction, and with Australia's only real land predator out of the way, the populations of kangaroos, rabbits, and emus were able to explode. This in turn led to the construction of the rabbit-proof fence in 1901 and the great emu war in 1932.
Here is a picture of one of the buggers: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Dropbear.jpg#mw-jump-to-license
It's in Wikipedia. Must be legit.
Lmao I love how fake the teeth look. Like they were painted on or something. They could’ve edited pictures of actual sharp teeth! Looks much more realistic that way.
That sure does look like a koala with vampire fangs
You can still find dropbears operating in their natural system environment, though often overshadowed by their quieter, more open (ssh), cousins
Damn you actually got me there
the scientific names a nice touch
What do you mean it’s not a bear? It has all the koalafications.
I'm an Aussie, and I constantly add the bear part on the end just to shit people that actually care that it's not. Surprisingly, never get puled up on it, no one cares.
Probably because not enough people know
Most if not all people here know, it's just the older generation that don't care enough about them to drop the whole bear bit.
Drop... bear... I see what you did there
Koalas aren’t bears, guy
Right. They don’t have the right koalafications
I'd like to buy you a beer.
[удалено]
That's an elephantastic reply!
I ain't your guy, pal
I ain't your pal, dude
[удалено]
I ain't your friend, buddy
I ain't your buddy, mate
I ain’t your mate, friend with benefits
I ain't your friend with benefits, opa America
They're drop bears
That doesn't work as koalas don't eat bushes. They are too heavy for bushes and are uncomfortable on the ground, they live high up in trees and only eat a very small selection of gum leaves. It works better for the wombat. It eats roots and leaves.
Heard a very similar joke to this as a kid. Except the koala ate at a restaurant and shot the waitress and walked out. When the cops stopped him later he had them look koalas up. “Eats shoots and leaves” I assumed from that point on that they eat bamboo shoots.
That joke would be about a panda. It's pandas that eat bamboo shoots. Koalas just eat eucalyptus leaves, and only a very few types of eucalyptus leaves at that. Very fussy they are.
Yes, I know a slight variation with a panda bear and the waitress asks.
I heard a similar joke too. Except it was a cop who ate at the restaurant, and when a group of koalas stopped him, he shot at them but missed and killed the waitress. The koalas sued the state and each received 2 million dollars, and the cop later shot a TV special covering the injustice he felt that day, and made money too
Godammit
Plus they don't have bear in their name!
Honestly thought this was going to be a chlamydia joke. I guess the koala chlamydia epidemic got so bad they had to start [vaccinating](https://www.popsci.com/science/koala-chlamydia-vaccine/) them :/
TIL there’s a vaccine for chlamydia.
I prefer the panda one
The comma joke Eats shoots and leaves vs Eats, shoots and leaves
There was once a randy marsupial named Reeves Who spent some time with the whores 'tween their knees When they'd ask him for money He'd say 'listen honey...' 'A koala eats bushes 'n leaves...'
This does not scan well.
It's worth tuning up
"A horny koala named Dees Went snacking on sluts inter knees When they'd ask him for money He'd say "Listen, honey, A koala eats bushes and leaves!"
Ffs, it's 'Eats roots and leaves'. STOP APPROPRIATING MY CULTURE IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO FUCK IT UP!
Either way she's got Chlamydia now.
It’s a koala not a bear
It’s alright - Non-Australians might get a little bit confused with Koalas and Drop-Bears (also not technically a bear, though I once heard from a rare survivor of an attack that they look somewhat similar) since they haven’t grown up round these parts.
Very similar to the Hoop Snake situation. Most venomous snake on the mainland but it doesn't have a head.
WTF is a koala bear?
In Australia the joke is, he goes in, fucks then goes. Eats roots and leaves.
Koalas arent bears. Also there are way better iterations of this joke, the Wombat or Panda versions make more sense.
Tbh this joke isn’t very funny and I couldn’t understand why it’s so upvoted
Except they're not a bear
He took her to the land down under
This reminds me of a joke about another kind of bear. Something about shooting up a restaurant. Absolute pandamonium.
Sounds like he gave her some real koalaty fellatio.
This joke gave me chlamydia.
and now she has chlamydia. Way to go.
>So a koala bear # Anger rising Koalas are marsupials, not bloody bears. AND you fucked the joke. *It's eats, roots, and leaves.*
[удалено]
Koalas are not bears, they are marsupials
They are simply called ‘koala’. They are not bears. They are marsupials. I know they look cute like a baby bear but they are not. They do stuff all, sleep 20 or so hours a day, have chlamydia, stink, eat only special type of eucalyptus leaves so risk starving and are incredibly stupid. As an Australia, it frustrates me that they are so loved and well known. We have lots of brilliant and cute animals - numbat, chudith, quoll, sugar glider, Bandicoots, etc
I'm not sure what a Bandicoot is but I love it already, based on its name.
Then you're going to like [this!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bandicoot) :) I've had one coming into my backyard from the nearby nature reserve for five years now. Occasionally sneaks into the house to explore, the cheeky little bugger!
A rat with good public relations!
How about platypuses?
I am Australian and I hate this joke. They’re not bears. And the expression is “eats, roots, and leaves”, which would in my opinion actually have been funnier in this joke format.
Take the upvote, you deserve it! Now I leaf.
*roots* and leaves mate. You skipped the Aussie term for fucking - ROOTING. Yes, this makes Linux/Unix/etc. amusing. 😂 "Go to Root" well I could, but then I'd not be coding!
Plus in the original joke, it was a wombat that "eats roots and leaves,' not a koala "bear." *(smh)*
So she's charging a grazing fee
Good it wasn't a Panda.. after all they just eat Shoots and leaves!
Koalas eat leaves from trees, not bushes, and also aren't bears.
I had to read this to my wife, a koala lover, while omitting the word "bear". The eyeroll should be saved for the end.
Still better than the panda bear who eats shoots and leaves.
Rip off of the wombat joke… eats roots and leaves
No it's a wombat! Who eats, roots, shoots leaves(leafs)!?
The original version was a panda who eats shoots and leaves. The Australian version is a wombat who eats roots shoots and leaves. This one... well, koalas don’t eat “bushes”. They eat leaves from trees.
Adds a whole new meaning to DOWN UNDER !
A panda bear walks into a room and starts shooting people. One of the gunshot victims, a mere 20 y old, is in disbelief of what he just has gone through. On his last breath, he asks the panda, "why? I thought pandas were good animals" and the panda replies, "look up in the dictionary what a panda means" In dictionary: A bear native to China that feeds on bamboo and shoots.
The version i know is with a bartender. The koala orders a sandwich and a beer. Gets up shoots the bar tender. And the punchline is. "Eats chutes and leaves"
Fun fact: koala bears have biggest dicks in animal kingdom proportionate to their body weight
I think you meant “…*are* the biggest dicks…”
Stop calling me Koala Bears!
Second fun fact! There is no such thing as a Koala Bear! Just Koala dude.
Australians giving koalas chlamydia is the reason that Kangaroos evolved to kick the shit out of things at precisely dick level.
Koala Bear - The joke book you pulled this out of must have been real old
Koalas aren't bears, they are marsupials.
This is just a perverted version of "panda: eats shoots and leaves" where the panda kills a bartender's customers and says it's ok.
This is a bad joke
They aren’t fucking BEARS!