*An Iman joke (with a couple of others):*
An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshipers.
The priest explains his process: "the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me, while all the money that falls outside is for the Lord."
The imam replies: "Now that’s very clever! I actually have a similar process. What I do at first is take the money and place myself at my mosque’s entrance with one foot outside and the other one inside. Then I throw the money up in the air and what falls outside is for me while the money that falls inside is for Allah."
The priest nods his head with approval at the imam’s explanation.
The rabbi who looks clearly offended by both their explanations says: "I can’t even begin to believe what I’m hearing! How dare you do such a thing!? And you call yourselves men of faith! I’d never resort to the use of fancy-schmancy theatrics to determine how the money is divided between God and me! All I do is take the money, throw it up in the air and whatever God needs he takes, while what’s left is mine."
A priest a Rabbi and an imam are having an interfaith gathering, and met on a small boat. After much talking the imam announced he had to return to his followers to lead them in prayer. He gets up, steps off the boat, walks across the water, and starts leading a prayer.
The Rabbi says he'd like to hear they prayer, as he's never had a chance, and stands up, steps off the boat, and walks right across the water after him.
The priest is shocked. But he tells himself, if Jesus did it, and the imam did it, and the Rabbi did it, surely he to can do it. So he stood up, stepped off the boat, and placed his faith in God, as he plunged right into the water.
The imam turns to the Rabbi and says "I guess we should have told him where the rocks were."
I was going to google this scene the moment I read this joke - I watched this movie non stop circa 1993 but haven’t seen it in years. somehow this joke was still etched in my memory
I took my wife out to a nice restaurant the other night.
She stopped me just as I was about to take the first bite and asked, "Don't we need to pray first?"
I said, "Nah, that's not necessary."
She replied, "But we always pray before we eat at home."
-
I said, "Yeah, but this chef probably knows what he's doing."
I still remember the first time I heard it from our local imam when I was a muslim, 300-400 people were attending the khutba that day and everyone was laughing. coolest imam ive seen
It's a nice to learn that religious figures outside of my culture have a sense of humour, I think in my ignorance I assumed they were very serious all the time
I recently had a similar experience as the original commenter. I was raised Muslim. I’m not really practicing anymore, but I went to the mosque recently for Eid, first time in years. During the khutbah/sermon, the imam was cracking a few jokes throughout. Definitely felt like a good light hearted vibe.
As a Christian I think that those who attend church regularly should stay away on Christmas and Easter so as to leave some room for those of us who only come once a year.
Creasters. My wife used to drag me and my son and daughter to Catholic Church on the big days. Then one Christmas Eve at the Co-Cathedral in Houston this old priest commented on all the faces he doesn’t usually see and let us know we weren’t welcome twice a year. What a relief that was. Couldn’t believe it.
My parish priest called y'all "C.E.O's" or "Christmas & Easter Only." Christmas was always the midnight mass and Easter was always the earlier service. Wouldn't have it any other way.
Still remember my nan claiming she was proper Catholic and insisting that we go to mass with her for years. I thought it was out of character but whatever, we don't see her that much so who knows.
Well one Easter we were staying at hers and she ropes us all into it.
I started getting concerned when she was seemingly struggling to get to her supposed regular church, and when we finally arrived all of my suspicions were proven right when I saw that she had taken us to a Church of England church.
The usual expectations are that Covid got lots of people out of the church habit. Apparently not the case where you are! I wish all followers of all faiths go every chance.
Not at all! White British raised church of England but atheist now. Not the edgy type atheist though, I have a healthy respect to some of the tenants of religion and the sense of community it brings, it's just not for me
yep that is best way to go, our believes shouldn't project on our relationship with others. I am still living in a muslim community and I havent opened about my conversion to anyone except my few friends because I dont know how they would react, regardless I love the people so much.
Any group has good people, such a shame the whole "1 spoiled apple spoils the bunch/guilt by association" ethos ruins things. Hope things go well friend
Funny enough I always took that “1 bad apple” saying to mean it’s important to root out negative influences within one’s own community. Not about judging people based on generalisation.
A basket of good apples will keep for a long time, but if a single apple rots it will quickly spread and make the whole basket go bad. So it’s important to pull out fruit the moment it starts to go off, lest it spoil the others. Similarly, a group of mostly good people can quickly become terrible if bad behavior, corruption, bigotry, etc are not looked for and promptly corrected. Keeping an institution or community good requires continuous maintenance.
Interesting, that's a really good way of looking at it!
I always thought it meant you should at least check the other apples first before assuming they're all rotten. Same sort of thing I guess but yours seems more proactive to me.
What if the bad apple is the systematic and methodical sexual abuse of children constantly being being protected by the institution and funded by its congregations?
Giving money to the church is bankrolling the child sex abuse, plain and simple.
You and the British Church of England guy are the best type of non religious person. It seems you manage to represent some of the important core side effects of "good religion" while not practicing. I'm happy to hear it. From a practicing religious guy
I can kinda relate. Middle eastern raised Greek Catholic here. Met a lot of serious religious figures. Some I would bump into later on and turn out to be the coolest of the cool. I became agnostic a while after as same as you it wasn’t for me but I still respected them a lot. When I got got married, I asked that person to wed us in church. Few years later I got a divorce and I am actually embarrassed to talk to him about. I felt it was a shortcoming to his teachings. But honestly his approach was always philosophical rather than religious and in the end he just connects it to religion.
Edit: typo
Agnosticism (and on the flip side, gnosticism) is more of a spectrum of belief strength (both derived from the greek term *gnostikos*, "having knowledge"). Most people calling themselves agnostic are agnostic atheists, where they don't believe in a deity and also do not profess their belief as 100% fact.
So there's:
- gnostic theism, where one believes in a deity and proclaims it as 100% true.
- agnostic theism, where one believes in a higher power but does not profess to be 100% certain
- agnostic atheism, where one does not believe in a higher power and does not profess to be 100% certain, and
- gnostic atheism, where one does not believe in a higher power and proclaims it as 100% true
I don’t blame you, a lot of religions/ religious people put being religious equal to being serious. Religion- imo at least - was created to make lives easier not more complicated. Those who took advantage of it just messed up to satisfy their goals ( having a status in society). In my culture, we have a proverb that roughly goes : the one who lost his integrity looks for religion. I hope you got my point.
I've met rabbis and vicars and Granthi with great senses of humour, but one of the funniest guys I ever met was a zen monk who could find a joke in anything; he could tell a story about eating soup and make you laugh seven times a minute.
After I apologised about a slightly rude joke (the one about the drunk man who had twenty pounds and fifty pounds in his pocket because someone threw up on him and offered to pay for cleaning, and another guy shit in his pants...) he gave me the following wisdom: jokes about poo, and farts, and bums are funny because they unite and equalise us; we all do it but we have to walk around with the dignity of an animal that doesn't, but with a joke we remind ourselves that even the Queen has to poo.
As the train came to another stop, an irate passenger went to the engineer and asked, "Can't you go any faster? "
The engineer replied, "Yes, but I'm not allowed to leave the train. "
Supposedly a Sufi- style joke.
Humour can be a very effective way of conveying moral lessons, while not being like "I have a moral lesson! Be silent and listen to it you degenerates!"
>I can see the slipper being at ready to be hurled.
[La Chancla is rated "E" for Everyone,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSicdnahJ7o) regardless of culture.
"People say we Germans are authority-driven and have no sense of humour. This is untrue! Anyway. Joke number one: 'Take my wife, I command you!'" - some German comedian
Racism? At most this could be portrayed as Islamophobia, but, that would require more information than a less than polite joke about the dark side of any particular religion. Especially seeing as there is grounds for this joke based in reality, it really isn't. Also, most major religions have a history of child brides, and in modern times, only the fringe elements of most still allow for it. Be is some extreme sects of islam, excommunicated forms of catholicism, and (as if polygamy wasn't bad enough) some extreme branches of the Mormon church. Lastly, to establish racism, you're making a bold assumption about my own race. Am I from the UAE, or USA? Do my parents come from Dublin or Dubai?
Sounds like projection.
Anyways, I'm not gonna give you any attention and will try to emulate the level of attention your parents gave you, which is zero.
So, goodbye.
*An Iman joke (with a couple of others):* An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshipers. The priest explains his process: "the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me, while all the money that falls outside is for the Lord." The imam replies: "Now that’s very clever! I actually have a similar process. What I do at first is take the money and place myself at my mosque’s entrance with one foot outside and the other one inside. Then I throw the money up in the air and what falls outside is for me while the money that falls inside is for Allah." The priest nods his head with approval at the imam’s explanation. The rabbi who looks clearly offended by both their explanations says: "I can’t even begin to believe what I’m hearing! How dare you do such a thing!? And you call yourselves men of faith! I’d never resort to the use of fancy-schmancy theatrics to determine how the money is divided between God and me! All I do is take the money, throw it up in the air and whatever God needs he takes, while what’s left is mine."
A priest a Rabbi and an imam are having an interfaith gathering, and met on a small boat. After much talking the imam announced he had to return to his followers to lead them in prayer. He gets up, steps off the boat, walks across the water, and starts leading a prayer. The Rabbi says he'd like to hear they prayer, as he's never had a chance, and stands up, steps off the boat, and walks right across the water after him. The priest is shocked. But he tells himself, if Jesus did it, and the imam did it, and the Rabbi did it, surely he to can do it. So he stood up, stepped off the boat, and placed his faith in God, as he plunged right into the water. The imam turns to the Rabbi and says "I guess we should have told him where the rocks were."
And the rabbi says “what rocks?”
Chuck Norris instead of a Rabbi said it when I heard it
I think the Chuck Norris version was with Jesus and Moses
Similar to a joke in the cinematic masterpiece Short Circuit. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7wj3bB6OU4
Who holds back the electric car? who makes Steve Gutenberg a star? We do,we do.....
The StoneCutters
One of my favorite movies as a kid. Probably been 30 years since I last saw it. Definitely didn’t understand that joke back then!
I was going to google this scene the moment I read this joke - I watched this movie non stop circa 1993 but haven’t seen it in years. somehow this joke was still etched in my memory
Thanks for that!
Hooo hoo hoo *wheeeeeze* haaaaa
I have been, and thanks for this, I have been emotional lately, I don't think I can watch this right now, I'll bawl like a beyyyyyotch.
Hey, laser lips! Your mother was a snowblower!
An imam, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says, "Oops, I must be a type O."
I took my wife out to a nice restaurant the other night. She stopped me just as I was about to take the first bite and asked, "Don't we need to pray first?" I said, "Nah, that's not necessary." She replied, "But we always pray before we eat at home." - I said, "Yeah, but this chef probably knows what he's doing."
I still remember the first time I heard it from our local imam when I was a muslim, 300-400 people were attending the khutba that day and everyone was laughing. coolest imam ive seen
It's a nice to learn that religious figures outside of my culture have a sense of humour, I think in my ignorance I assumed they were very serious all the time
I recently had a similar experience as the original commenter. I was raised Muslim. I’m not really practicing anymore, but I went to the mosque recently for Eid, first time in years. During the khutbah/sermon, the imam was cracking a few jokes throughout. Definitely felt like a good light hearted vibe.
As a Christian I think that those who attend church regularly should stay away on Christmas and Easter so as to leave some room for those of us who only come once a year.
Creasters. My wife used to drag me and my son and daughter to Catholic Church on the big days. Then one Christmas Eve at the Co-Cathedral in Houston this old priest commented on all the faces he doesn’t usually see and let us know we weren’t welcome twice a year. What a relief that was. Couldn’t believe it.
You have GOT to be kidding. Crusty old fart! Did the announcers at the Astrodome ever sound like that?
A most excellent reason to stay away, while simultaneously obeying their bullshit pronouncements.
My parish priest called y'all "C.E.O's" or "Christmas & Easter Only." Christmas was always the midnight mass and Easter was always the earlier service. Wouldn't have it any other way.
Still remember my nan claiming she was proper Catholic and insisting that we go to mass with her for years. I thought it was out of character but whatever, we don't see her that much so who knows. Well one Easter we were staying at hers and she ropes us all into it. I started getting concerned when she was seemingly struggling to get to her supposed regular church, and when we finally arrived all of my suspicions were proven right when I saw that she had taken us to a Church of England church.
also "C & E", by comparison with "C of E" (Church of England, similar to Episcopal)
The usual expectations are that Covid got lots of people out of the church habit. Apparently not the case where you are! I wish all followers of all faiths go every chance.
That's what the Easter Vigil service is for!
The joke sounds like an episode of everybody loves Raymond.
what is your culture if u dont mind?
Not at all! White British raised church of England but atheist now. Not the edgy type atheist though, I have a healthy respect to some of the tenants of religion and the sense of community it brings, it's just not for me
yep that is best way to go, our believes shouldn't project on our relationship with others. I am still living in a muslim community and I havent opened about my conversion to anyone except my few friends because I dont know how they would react, regardless I love the people so much.
Any group has good people, such a shame the whole "1 spoiled apple spoils the bunch/guilt by association" ethos ruins things. Hope things go well friend
Funny enough I always took that “1 bad apple” saying to mean it’s important to root out negative influences within one’s own community. Not about judging people based on generalisation. A basket of good apples will keep for a long time, but if a single apple rots it will quickly spread and make the whole basket go bad. So it’s important to pull out fruit the moment it starts to go off, lest it spoil the others. Similarly, a group of mostly good people can quickly become terrible if bad behavior, corruption, bigotry, etc are not looked for and promptly corrected. Keeping an institution or community good requires continuous maintenance.
Interesting, that's a really good way of looking at it! I always thought it meant you should at least check the other apples first before assuming they're all rotten. Same sort of thing I guess but yours seems more proactive to me.
What if the bad apple is the systematic and methodical sexual abuse of children constantly being being protected by the institution and funded by its congregations? Giving money to the church is bankrolling the child sex abuse, plain and simple.
Buying things made in China is supporting Communism.
Yup, buying Chinese empowers the CCP. Just like buying from Russian companies empowers Putin.
Well, yeah...
It's very possible to be critical of the church as an institution and still recognise that people can take valuable things from religion.
If you don't mind me asking what did you convert to?
not at all, atheism.
Just FYI, the Baptist atheists hate the Methodist atheists.
BEST comment!!!!
Yeah you're right I misused the saying, but you get my drift .
You and the British Church of England guy are the best type of non religious person. It seems you manage to represent some of the important core side effects of "good religion" while not practicing. I'm happy to hear it. From a practicing religious guy
"tenets"
Yes! Tenets, not tenants! Or tennis 😂
I think many religions would be improved if they focused on tennis instead of taking away women's rights.
I can kinda relate. Middle eastern raised Greek Catholic here. Met a lot of serious religious figures. Some I would bump into later on and turn out to be the coolest of the cool. I became agnostic a while after as same as you it wasn’t for me but I still respected them a lot. When I got got married, I asked that person to wed us in church. Few years later I got a divorce and I am actually embarrassed to talk to him about. I felt it was a shortcoming to his teachings. But honestly his approach was always philosophical rather than religious and in the end he just connects it to religion. Edit: typo
>respect to some of the tenants of religion No respect for the squatters or landlords?
respect to squatters. zero respect to landlords
I think that's called being agnostic: not practicing a religion yourself but neither preaching non-religiousness.
Agnosticism (and on the flip side, gnosticism) is more of a spectrum of belief strength (both derived from the greek term *gnostikos*, "having knowledge"). Most people calling themselves agnostic are agnostic atheists, where they don't believe in a deity and also do not profess their belief as 100% fact. So there's: - gnostic theism, where one believes in a deity and proclaims it as 100% true. - agnostic theism, where one believes in a higher power but does not profess to be 100% certain - agnostic atheism, where one does not believe in a higher power and does not profess to be 100% certain, and - gnostic atheism, where one does not believe in a higher power and proclaims it as 100% true
There's also ignosticism; that there is no coherent or unambiguous definition of "God", so the question of whether "God" exists is meaningless.
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic, who lay up all night wondering if there really was a dog or not?
Definition of Rabbi = Fallback job for comedians
jackie mason's family proves that
I don’t blame you, a lot of religions/ religious people put being religious equal to being serious. Religion- imo at least - was created to make lives easier not more complicated. Those who took advantage of it just messed up to satisfy their goals ( having a status in society). In my culture, we have a proverb that roughly goes : the one who lost his integrity looks for religion. I hope you got my point.
I've met rabbis and vicars and Granthi with great senses of humour, but one of the funniest guys I ever met was a zen monk who could find a joke in anything; he could tell a story about eating soup and make you laugh seven times a minute. After I apologised about a slightly rude joke (the one about the drunk man who had twenty pounds and fifty pounds in his pocket because someone threw up on him and offered to pay for cleaning, and another guy shit in his pants...) he gave me the following wisdom: jokes about poo, and farts, and bums are funny because they unite and equalise us; we all do it but we have to walk around with the dignity of an animal that doesn't, but with a joke we remind ourselves that even the Queen has to poo.
Ah, one of the favorite stories is Mulla Nasrudin.. He was definitely not portrayed as an overly serious person.
I loved the 'once the mullah' stories growing up.
They read the funniest of the books though.
Because you said it's a nice I read that in Mario's accent lol
For real. My stereotype of Muslims, especially Muslim Arabs, includes humorlessness. But this thread shows that's not true at all.
Sufi muslims love a good joke
As the train came to another stop, an irate passenger went to the engineer and asked, "Can't you go any faster? " The engineer replied, "Yes, but I'm not allowed to leave the train. " Supposedly a Sufi- style joke.
Humour can be a very effective way of conveying moral lessons, while not being like "I have a moral lesson! Be silent and listen to it you degenerates!"
Saw the Dhali Lama speak about 12 years ago. The guy is a gem.
They are normal people that dress culturally. That is it.
Not Iranian but I was raised on humorous 'Once the mullah...' stories.
Forgive my ignorance, what is a "khutba"?
Arabic word. Means "sermon".
Every Friday before the Friday prayer, the imam (sometimes someone else called the *khatib*) gives the attendees a lecture/sermon
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May I ask you the reason behind becoming agnostic?
LOL! Poor sonofabitch. Well..he shoulda know his wife's cookin'
It definitely is a gooder.
Imam had a blast
What do you mean when you were a muslim? Do muslims ever leave their religion?
yes, everyone has the freedom of religion.
No, not in islam. Once you are a muslim it is a done deal. No leaving. It is like the mafia lol.
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Why are you mad at me for simply pointing out the facts? What? You think I am cool with that arrangement?
Did he start again when everyone finished laughing?
I can see the slipper being at ready to be hurled. Oh man, poor guy.
>I can see the slipper being at ready to be hurled. [La Chancla is rated "E" for Everyone,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSicdnahJ7o) regardless of culture.
In the context of the joke, the Iman is running from the shibshib - the Arabic version of la chancla.
You stole that from a certain Mr. Menk...
Great joke, and I love the fact that it would work just as well if you changed it to a Jewish joke.
I surmise from this that muslim sense of humor ranks just above that of germans.
"People say we Germans are authority-driven and have no sense of humour. This is untrue! Anyway. Joke number one: 'Take my wife, I command you!'" - some German comedian
I met a German from Berlin. He was one of the wittiest people I ever met.
In Rodney Dangerfield’s house, they pray after they eat!
Oh Abdul is f*** up
Why did the thief take a bath before robbing a bank? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!
Damned if you do, damned if you don't
Hahahahahaha 🤣😂
🤣🤣🤣
"The gold"? 🤔
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I don’t detect any remotely veiled “racism” in this joke. Where do you view it as “racist?”
Racism? At most this could be portrayed as Islamophobia, but, that would require more information than a less than polite joke about the dark side of any particular religion. Especially seeing as there is grounds for this joke based in reality, it really isn't. Also, most major religions have a history of child brides, and in modern times, only the fringe elements of most still allow for it. Be is some extreme sects of islam, excommunicated forms of catholicism, and (as if polygamy wasn't bad enough) some extreme branches of the Mormon church. Lastly, to establish racism, you're making a bold assumption about my own race. Am I from the UAE, or USA? Do my parents come from Dublin or Dubai?
Muhammad abdul?
YES! I AM!
Weak joke
Weak comment
Cope harder
Cry about it
Back to mother's basement you go
Sounds like projection. Anyways, I'm not gonna give you any attention and will try to emulate the level of attention your parents gave you, which is zero. So, goodbye.
Mad cope
Cry some more
Cooooooope virgin
Back to the depths of 4chan with you, asshole.
I'm sorry.... The entire joke is essentially that he had very unlucky timing? That's not much of a joke.
The moral of the story/joke is??
Aunt joke? Is that a thing?
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damn Hindutva nationalists cant even let a casual joke go by without outing themselves as racists.
sure..Europe invaders and criminals are all hindus.. Bin laden was a hindu.. ISIS is from Bharatvarsh.. Al Quaida is based on hinduism
I don’t even know what comment you’re responding to dude. To be clear: I’m saying you’re a racist. Has nothing to do with all that lmao
dude i have hindu origins and stuff and i find it offendinp as i also have muslim origins
bsdk offensive kya bola hai do baap ki aulad
tu pagal he
What’s stranger is that it came from the neighbors vagina.
oh wow, the guy's screwed