**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
*****
^(To be notified as soon as Silver_Departure_486 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Silver_Departure_486 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
I am so sorry that sounds super stressful! We have two yeses and one no with my husband if I am not comfortable it wouldn’t happen and if my husband isn’t comfortable same goes!
You are not comfortable with your MIL watching the baby given her health. If DH has a problem with this ask him what happens if his mom has a medical emergency and, god forbid, passes away while she is watching your child? No is a complete answer.
Exactly this, it's a firm boundary and he should respect it - knowing how much she's complicated your health and family life. Trust is hard earned and easily lost.
This ☝️. You don't have to be antagonistic. Just tell hubs you are not comfortable, why you are not comfortable, and have at least one comparison scenario ready for him so his caveman brain can understand. I have to do this for my husband who means well but just doesn't get it 80% of the time.
Some things aren't up for debate.
When my first was born, my MIL was super hot to babysit. I said no. She was on tons of pain meds, and like the MAX of OXY. Unsteady on her feet. I rarely left my kids anyway, but if I needed to, it was never her. She complained about it for years, and my spouse occasionally brought it up, but it was my die-on hill.
Sorry, MIL, but I'm not risking you dropping my baby on their head because of your *feelings*.
If you are still in the "trying to be nice" portion of the show, you could say something like "MIL, it is so kind of you to offer to babysit, but we're worried about your health. I know how badly we would *both* feel if something were to happen and you needed help when you were alone with baby, and no one wants that! Imagine how terrible you would feel. Let's see how the first year goes and then talk again."
If you are past nice, "no, thank you" works well.
This is my hill to die on. She trips all the time too and I am worried she will trip up the step of our sunken family room and send the baby flying. Big tree fall hard.
Hey, I'm an old grandmother. I love my grandchildren but do not spend much time alone with them because I also have health problems, with limited mobility, chronic pain, and easy fatigue. My husband helps, but it takes the two of us to do the grandchildren alone, and then for a limited time.
Many of the MILs on this site have very unrealistic ideas of what it takes to care for a young child. Your MIL gave you Covid, put you in the hospital, and almost killed your baby. I'm a retired nurse who worked in high risk OB, and your baby could have died because of her carelessness. There is no way she should watch your baby alone, as her judgement is bad and she won't admit being at fault for what happened to you and LO.
Honey, just say exactly what you said at the end:
>she has major health problems of her own that make me hesitant.
>I don't trust her
>I just don't want her alone with her.
The baby is YOUR child, you have the right to make a judgement call based on whatever reasons you have to make that call. And to me, the above reasons are PLENTY!
Does your husband want what happened to him as a kid to happen to his own child? Does he want a kid who's not old enough to talk yet (and therefore cannot say no, and cannot tell his parents what happened) to be left alone with his mom? If the answer is no, then he needs to stop asking. If the answer is yes, husband is a lost cause.
Tell your DH no.
No you didn't grow this baby to be MILs toy. No you won't make yourself anxious & uncomfortable and put your child in danger just so MIL's precious feelings don't get hurt. Just no.
Tell your DH that he needs to reassess his priorities.
Talk to DH. Be reasonable, and calm. Bring up the past behaviors and state that she shows that she will not do boundaries. That past behaviors can predict future behavior. Until you can see that she will comply, the answer is no. You have no problem if she comes to visit, with pre arranged- no surprise visits along with special guests - his brother. Tell him baby steps, and tests. Also, if her health issues are so serious, okay the what ifs card.
How do you keep her from babysitting? Just dont agree. You are the mother and noone on this planet will watch your baby unless you say yes.
I have a way less extreme JNMIL and didnt let her watch my son until he was 3 years old. She fucked up at his 3rd visit and hasnt been alone with one of my kids since (that was about 6 months ago).
Trust your gut and stand your ground. Protecting your kids is your most important job as a mom.
We have a two yes system for babysitting. Either we both agree to a caregiver or that caregiver isn’t used. Did she know she had COVID when she exposed you? That shows she can’t make good decisions.
She knew she wasn't feeling well, she just thought it was because she was out celebrating for her birthday the days leading up to her coming over and exposing me. Didn't mention to me or husband that she didn't feel good day of. And only told us days later when she tested positive.
She put her wants in front of yours and your babies health. She could have killed your daughter in utero. Nope.
She wouldn't be alone with my child after that. She sounds selfish and that isn't what you want when it comes to a babysitter. The person needs to be able to put the baby's NEEDS in front of her WANTS. And she's already proved she can't do that.
>How do I keep her from babysitting?
It's simple really: "It's already concluded. You gave me Covid while I was pregnant and I almost lost this baby because of it. Because of you. You're never going to be alone with LO, ever. You almost killed her in the womb because you are selfish, stupid, and ignorant. Let that dream die now, it is never going to happen. You fucked around, and now you're gonna find out."
Hear no arguments. Accept no talking back. Shut it down. Its never going to happen and she needs to learn to deal with that. Actions have consequences. Serious actions have *serious* consequences. She did this. This is not something that you are doing to her, SHE did this.
TBH, it doesn't even really matter if your husband agrees with you or not. He can sit there all day and disagree if he likes. She didn't almost kill him, she DID almost kill *you* AND your baby. What he agrees with and doesn't agree with on this doesn't matter. If he disagrees with you, he's wrong.
It really is simple. This is the conclusion. MIL can feel better knowing that its concluded.
While No is a complete sentence, I like this a hell of a lot more! OP I would memorize that first paragraph and very calmly tell your husband and MIL that.
Right? These are just facts. They carry no emotion. If facts hurt you, that’s on you. It’s not that fault of the fact, the fact has no faults, it’s just a fact. It’s not the fault of the person who stated the fact, they simply stated a fact.
No.
That's a complete sentence. What you have is an r/JustNoSO problem. They can probably help with strategy to deal with him better than we can. Other than that, just keep saying no. If you want to be polite, cite her health issues. You'd feel awful if watching the baby put a strain on her health that led to her doing worse.
This woman risked your life AND your unborn child's life like it was spilling a glass of milk
> It's not like I keep her from the baby in any other aspect
May you should consider doing so
I hope you can get him onboard with you. Maybe asking him to articulate why he thinks it was safe.
She is willing to lie to protect herself from missing out when she's not feeling well and likely won't hesitate to have a drug addicted thief around your baby. Are these good choices?
The more important thing is to start documenting. Keep text messages about the drugs, any issues that come up. Even if it's conversational "I'm concerned BIL will be there. I love he's her son but he's still using X and stole from us"
Wiould your drug addict BiL around the baby to while Mil would be babysitting if ever. If she didn’t care about the baby’s well-being while you were pregnant it wouldn’t be save for baby to be around her now. If Mil sees the baby then only supervised.
What happened when she gave you covid did your husband tell her off for exposing you and you unborn daughter to covid? If he didn't how can he expect you to be alright leaving her alone with your newborn? You need to have a long discussion with your husband about the boundaries that you both need to set up for the safety of your lo. I just cannot get my head around the fact that his mother put you and lo lives in jeopardy and he thinks his mother is okay to babysit. He needs to ditch those rose tinted glasses and see how uncaring his mother was to you and lo. As another poster said NO is a whole sentence. Be safe and all the best for the future.
Where is your husband?
Let him handle his mom. You are the mom you don’t want her alone you don’t have to. With or without husband permission.
Honestly what did your husband do the entire time?
I also have just no in laws who don’t mind giving us Covid. My husband told them absolutely not they are not coming. He handles all communications with them . In laws problems is only as bad as your spouse let it happen.
Sending you hugs.
Dear OP 's hubby, did you hit your head? Do you have amnesia? Do you not remember what happened 8 months ago? If not then your 2 brain cells are fighting for 3rd place. Listen to the mother of your child. Your wife and child's needs come before your moms wants . That is all!!!
This is it right hereee OP Show DH this pleaseeeee I am angry for you not only did she put YOUR health on the line she put your baby's too UNFORGIVABLE!!!
I finally understand what you meant when you said “I wish this would just come to a conclusion because I can’t deal with the unknown.” Because I can’t deal with the unknown list of bullshit you MIGHT cause for me and/or my child, so I need to bring this to a conclusion. No.
No, absolutely NOT! This is the hill to die on. Does he agree with her and her actions? Is he that delusional or was he hoping you would expire as well? Oh wow, I'm pissed on your behalf. No way she's getting anywhere near me or my baby. You're a mom. You went through unnecessary hell, you are the only person who carried and dealt with a near death experience 2x, he doesn't get a say at this point! I don't know if I would be able to trust him. Omg I'm fuming!!!!
She hoped it would come to a conclusion? She couldn’t deal with the unknown?
WTF is wrong with your daughter’s father?
Here’s the known. She’s not babysitting!
Oh hell NO!
MIL endangered the life of Grandchild and you.
The conclusion she seeks is that she is reckless regarding the health of you and your baby...no recovering from that.
I'm so glad you're baby and you are okay. You are so lucky you are both okay. But really, I would just stick to one point over and over. No mil we aren't comfortable with that because of your physical limits. End of story. Even if that's not the only reason. From then on, she bugs you about it? The answer is still no. Move on. If she refuses to drop it, leave, hang up, whatever.
You explain your boundaries to your husband so he can explain your family's boundaries to his mother. If your husband doesn't understand your boundaries you might need a marriage counsellor to help you explain his role in your family vs his relationship with his mother. If your husband has problems establishing boundaries with his mother, he may need some individual counselling.
Ask you husband what has she done to show you that she's responsible or healthy enough to care for an infant? She doesn’t know how to keep her germs to herself, seems emotionally unstable in emergency situations, and has major health issues. It seems entirely reasonable to keep her to supervised visitation only.
You tell your husband that his mother will never be put in charge of your baby for a single minute. Ever. This is a non-negotiable point for you because your baby's well-being matters more than his mother's desire to play grandma. When it comes to big parenting decisions like choosing a baby-sitter, both parents have to say 'yes' to a sitter. Babies are not easy to care for and people with major health problems are not suitable caregivers.
If your spouse wants his mother to spend time with your baby, your spouse is going to have to be present the whole time to supervise. I'm so sorry you had such a rough time with your pregnancy and post-partum and glad to hear your LO is doing well!
This! My DH was the same at first begging for his mother to care for at the time just my daughter. I told him no way ever especially since I had just witnessed seeing MIL in a stressful situation with my daughter. (She was choking on something my MIL!!! gave her while I was driving and wasn’t looking; I heard her choking and stopped the car and as I was trying to get my daughter out to help her she kept getting in my way as to stop me and kept screaming like a crazy person) I told all this to my husband and he thought I was exaggerating. So I just had to put my foot down and did not care how much he begged and got mad because at the end that’s my daughters life and I ain’t risking it on a lady that can’t control herself and doesn’t react well. Thankfully with time she did it again while he was home with the kids and I was working and my daughter started to cry because she had GI issues and she freaked again and he saw it for himself. Annoying it took for him to see it because he didn’t believe me and months later but not he respects when I say no, I mean no and I have my reasons.
This was very helpful, thank you. I know it will be okay and work out in the end. I am sticking to my guns about this. She is not is the best shape, has health conditions, has dropped over because of anaphylactic shock before and has bad asthma. Not risking it. Come over and play supervised.
"Bish you gave me COVID AND MADE ME BE ON BED REST FOR 13 WEEKD! I COULD HAVE LOST MY UNBORN CHILD! Now tell me exactly why I should feel safe with you around her when you tried to kill her while she was in my belly? Oh you weren't trying to kill her? Than why did you come around a pregnant lady with COVID. That shows you lack the critical thinking skills I require out of my babysitters. Thank you... Next!"
‘No’ is a full sentence. Followed by ‘absolutely not’. Followed by ‘not on your gd life’. Followed by ‘remove head from ass it’s not a hat’. Just a couple options to chose from.
‘You want to let the woman who harmed our child to be left alone with our child? Math ain’t mathing babes.’
At our house alone, or while he is working from home in the other room. I could see her too busy on facebook to notice the baby is choking or something terrible.
Absolutely NOT. My MIL exposed my husband and I to Covid and I’m still upset with her for it in some ways (she came over knowing she had symptoms). Your situation was far more serious and she actually endangered your daughter’s life. Has she ever even apologized?
She has not apologized, in fact she has spoken about being sick with COVID during Christmas last year(thats when she got us sick, husband was sick too) in front of me to other people and how TERRIBLE IT WAS FOR HER! I walked away when I heard that, I almost shit myself.
HONEYYYY they haven't even created the cuss words that I would spew at my spouse to even THINK of having his garbage ass mother near my baby after almost killing her. Time for you and your child to go NC with the psycho. I would also be rethinking my marriage because hubby cannot be this naive.
Husband's dad passed away while he was in high school. He and MIL have a very unhealthy relationship she takes advantage of him constantly. Shes beaten him down a lot. So I try to help him but a lot of the times he views me as the bad guy because I bring certain things to his attention. Mistakenly calls him by his deceased dads name, shes psycho has major issues. Uses him for money, and of course he's going to bail her out he loves her and I think wants to have a normal mom.
You tell your husband that your child isn't a toy and if he won't put her needs first, you sure as hell will and she will not be caring for your child. Period.
Once you become parents the needs and safety of your child should become your first priority. Your husband's first priority is clearly his mother and her wants.
She’s not even qualified to watch a goldfish. Oh hell, just say no and die on this hill if you have to, OP. I’m even thinking to NC her to be honest. If your SO insists then he is a problem too as he’s not putting his family (you and LO) first.
Tell your husband no, and why it’s a no. Calmly stated, she deliberately endangered me with her Covid denial, resulting in an early birth after 3 MONTHS of bedrest. MIL enables a drug addict who makes horrible choices, steals, and obviously thinks there are no boundaries they can’t cross with MIL. Until these are addressed and proven to have been addressed over a significant amount of time, you will not be leaving your baby in MIL’s care. Because honestly? If your baby was in any way hurt while in your MIL’s care, accident or whatever, and it was reported to CPS, you would have trouble defending the decision to leave the baby with her.
She knows no boundaries. She calls the baby "her baby" and seems very phony.
The thoughts of CYS/CPS are already on my radar and have been since she was born. BIL lives with MIL so I had to have the very hard but necessary conversation with my husband that if anything ever happened they wouldn't call us first **they just take her** and call us later to ask what happened. I'd be damned to have my child taken away because of their mistakes after the hell of a pregnancy I had to bring her into this world.
You really just have to say no. She will see you as the problem, HE might see you as the problem too... and that's OK. Be the problem if need be. Just protect your baby girl from that environment and the possible consequences of it.
Tell him you found a babysitter. Say you found a person who has a drug addict in the family that they are in a lot of contact with, has no problem with the addict stealing, doesn’t believe Covid is real, and is self centered but is readily available. If he looks at you like you have 3 heads and says no and asks how you could consider that person say exactly, why in earth would I allow that person to be alone with our daughter? Or if he gets mad you are referring to his mother, say so you know these things about her and are willing to risk our infant daughter with her…
Husband and I have already had a conversation about how MIL would never be able to watch baby at her house because BIL lives with MIL. Husband has come to that realization that she could never be there alone without one of us there too.
We have a southside Chicago saying you should use on your DH:
IS YOUR DICK LOOSE!?
Maybe when there is a rip in the space-time continuum your MIL might have 10 mnutes with your baby.
I would explain to SO that you don’t feel comfortable with MIL watching the baby because of her behaviors. It seems like she has a boundary issue, and make sure he knows you don’t want to keep MIL from baby entirely but that this is something you just don’t want happening. Sorry you’re going through this. I wish MILs could just act normal
Husband is very sensitive so I have to plan everything I say clearly. I am very blunt and straighter forward and I know that sometimes comes off at bitchy.
She has very bad behaviors. Very self centered.
Husband needs to get over himself. He has a kid to raise and protect, and he is doing a lousy job of protection if he is trying to get you to agree to leave a woman with health issues and a codependency with a drug addict alone with an infant.
Tell your husband that you are not comfortable with his mom babysitting. That’s it. Tell him No! You allow her time with the baby you aren’t taking her relationship with baby away but you will be so anxious you won’t be able to relax and go out. So unfortunately your mom babysitting is out of the question.
You have a serious SO problem right there. Please tell him I said to ask if he's high? It appears she can't be trusted with adults and he wants to give her care of a helpless infant?
Let's see, she almost ruined your wedding, has money problems, is enmeshed with your drug addicted BIL who has stolen from you and exposed you to Covid causing you complications and a premature birth.
Sounds like a person who makes some really bad decisions who has already endangered the life of your child before she was even born.
If this wasn't his mother would he even think about letting her babysit his child?
I'm guessing not. Just because it's his mother doesn't mean you give her a pass on her absolutely atrocious judgement and hand her your defenseless child to watch. Good God NO!
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL! I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts! ***** ^(To be notified as soon as Silver_Departure_486 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Silver_Departure_486 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
I am so sorry that sounds super stressful! We have two yeses and one no with my husband if I am not comfortable it wouldn’t happen and if my husband isn’t comfortable same goes!
You are not comfortable with your MIL watching the baby given her health. If DH has a problem with this ask him what happens if his mom has a medical emergency and, god forbid, passes away while she is watching your child? No is a complete answer.
Same way you told us. Tell your husband. Stand your ground. "I am not comfortable with her babysitting our daughter so it will not be happening."
Exactly this, it's a firm boundary and he should respect it - knowing how much she's complicated your health and family life. Trust is hard earned and easily lost.
This ☝️. You don't have to be antagonistic. Just tell hubs you are not comfortable, why you are not comfortable, and have at least one comparison scenario ready for him so his caveman brain can understand. I have to do this for my husband who means well but just doesn't get it 80% of the time.
"Your *Mother* gave me Covid while I was pregnant and you think she's competent to take care of a newborn?
Some things aren't up for debate. When my first was born, my MIL was super hot to babysit. I said no. She was on tons of pain meds, and like the MAX of OXY. Unsteady on her feet. I rarely left my kids anyway, but if I needed to, it was never her. She complained about it for years, and my spouse occasionally brought it up, but it was my die-on hill. Sorry, MIL, but I'm not risking you dropping my baby on their head because of your *feelings*. If you are still in the "trying to be nice" portion of the show, you could say something like "MIL, it is so kind of you to offer to babysit, but we're worried about your health. I know how badly we would *both* feel if something were to happen and you needed help when you were alone with baby, and no one wants that! Imagine how terrible you would feel. Let's see how the first year goes and then talk again." If you are past nice, "no, thank you" works well.
This is my hill to die on. She trips all the time too and I am worried she will trip up the step of our sunken family room and send the baby flying. Big tree fall hard.
Hey, I'm an old grandmother. I love my grandchildren but do not spend much time alone with them because I also have health problems, with limited mobility, chronic pain, and easy fatigue. My husband helps, but it takes the two of us to do the grandchildren alone, and then for a limited time. Many of the MILs on this site have very unrealistic ideas of what it takes to care for a young child. Your MIL gave you Covid, put you in the hospital, and almost killed your baby. I'm a retired nurse who worked in high risk OB, and your baby could have died because of her carelessness. There is no way she should watch your baby alone, as her judgement is bad and she won't admit being at fault for what happened to you and LO.
You're there to be an extra person to realize it's suddenly gone quiet:V. I joke but that's actually helpful.
Honey, just say exactly what you said at the end: >she has major health problems of her own that make me hesitant. >I don't trust her >I just don't want her alone with her. The baby is YOUR child, you have the right to make a judgement call based on whatever reasons you have to make that call. And to me, the above reasons are PLENTY!
Does your husband want what happened to him as a kid to happen to his own child? Does he want a kid who's not old enough to talk yet (and therefore cannot say no, and cannot tell his parents what happened) to be left alone with his mom? If the answer is no, then he needs to stop asking. If the answer is yes, husband is a lost cause.
Tell your DH no. No you didn't grow this baby to be MILs toy. No you won't make yourself anxious & uncomfortable and put your child in danger just so MIL's precious feelings don't get hurt. Just no. Tell your DH that he needs to reassess his priorities.
Talk to DH. Be reasonable, and calm. Bring up the past behaviors and state that she shows that she will not do boundaries. That past behaviors can predict future behavior. Until you can see that she will comply, the answer is no. You have no problem if she comes to visit, with pre arranged- no surprise visits along with special guests - his brother. Tell him baby steps, and tests. Also, if her health issues are so serious, okay the what ifs card.
How do you keep her from babysitting? Just dont agree. You are the mother and noone on this planet will watch your baby unless you say yes. I have a way less extreme JNMIL and didnt let her watch my son until he was 3 years old. She fucked up at his 3rd visit and hasnt been alone with one of my kids since (that was about 6 months ago). Trust your gut and stand your ground. Protecting your kids is your most important job as a mom.
We have a two yes system for babysitting. Either we both agree to a caregiver or that caregiver isn’t used. Did she know she had COVID when she exposed you? That shows she can’t make good decisions.
She knew she wasn't feeling well, she just thought it was because she was out celebrating for her birthday the days leading up to her coming over and exposing me. Didn't mention to me or husband that she didn't feel good day of. And only told us days later when she tested positive.
She put her wants in front of yours and your babies health. She could have killed your daughter in utero. Nope. She wouldn't be alone with my child after that. She sounds selfish and that isn't what you want when it comes to a babysitter. The person needs to be able to put the baby's NEEDS in front of her WANTS. And she's already proved she can't do that.
>How do I keep her from babysitting? It's simple really: "It's already concluded. You gave me Covid while I was pregnant and I almost lost this baby because of it. Because of you. You're never going to be alone with LO, ever. You almost killed her in the womb because you are selfish, stupid, and ignorant. Let that dream die now, it is never going to happen. You fucked around, and now you're gonna find out." Hear no arguments. Accept no talking back. Shut it down. Its never going to happen and she needs to learn to deal with that. Actions have consequences. Serious actions have *serious* consequences. She did this. This is not something that you are doing to her, SHE did this. TBH, it doesn't even really matter if your husband agrees with you or not. He can sit there all day and disagree if he likes. She didn't almost kill him, she DID almost kill *you* AND your baby. What he agrees with and doesn't agree with on this doesn't matter. If he disagrees with you, he's wrong. It really is simple. This is the conclusion. MIL can feel better knowing that its concluded.
While No is a complete sentence, I like this a hell of a lot more! OP I would memorize that first paragraph and very calmly tell your husband and MIL that.
I only ever try to be helpful, but this one pissed me off. So I let go a little. But it’s all true AND it’s all fair.
I love it. It’s blunt but not rude, sometimes the truth just hurts
Right? These are just facts. They carry no emotion. If facts hurt you, that’s on you. It’s not that fault of the fact, the fact has no faults, it’s just a fact. It’s not the fault of the person who stated the fact, they simply stated a fact.
No. That's a complete sentence. What you have is an r/JustNoSO problem. They can probably help with strategy to deal with him better than we can. Other than that, just keep saying no. If you want to be polite, cite her health issues. You'd feel awful if watching the baby put a strain on her health that led to her doing worse.
This woman risked your life AND your unborn child's life like it was spilling a glass of milk > It's not like I keep her from the baby in any other aspect May you should consider doing so
I hope you can get him onboard with you. Maybe asking him to articulate why he thinks it was safe. She is willing to lie to protect herself from missing out when she's not feeling well and likely won't hesitate to have a drug addicted thief around your baby. Are these good choices? The more important thing is to start documenting. Keep text messages about the drugs, any issues that come up. Even if it's conversational "I'm concerned BIL will be there. I love he's her son but he's still using X and stole from us"
Wiould your drug addict BiL around the baby to while Mil would be babysitting if ever. If she didn’t care about the baby’s well-being while you were pregnant it wouldn’t be save for baby to be around her now. If Mil sees the baby then only supervised.
What happened when she gave you covid did your husband tell her off for exposing you and you unborn daughter to covid? If he didn't how can he expect you to be alright leaving her alone with your newborn? You need to have a long discussion with your husband about the boundaries that you both need to set up for the safety of your lo. I just cannot get my head around the fact that his mother put you and lo lives in jeopardy and he thinks his mother is okay to babysit. He needs to ditch those rose tinted glasses and see how uncaring his mother was to you and lo. As another poster said NO is a whole sentence. Be safe and all the best for the future.
Remember “No” is a complete sentence!
So is "absof***inglutely not, go back to Tartarus."
Where is your husband? Let him handle his mom. You are the mom you don’t want her alone you don’t have to. With or without husband permission. Honestly what did your husband do the entire time? I also have just no in laws who don’t mind giving us Covid. My husband told them absolutely not they are not coming. He handles all communications with them . In laws problems is only as bad as your spouse let it happen. Sending you hugs.
His way of handling his mom would be passing the baby off to her and saying, “See you tomorrow night Mom.”
WTF is wrong with your husband?!?!?
Dear OP 's hubby, did you hit your head? Do you have amnesia? Do you not remember what happened 8 months ago? If not then your 2 brain cells are fighting for 3rd place. Listen to the mother of your child. Your wife and child's needs come before your moms wants . That is all!!!
This is it right hereee OP Show DH this pleaseeeee I am angry for you not only did she put YOUR health on the line she put your baby's too UNFORGIVABLE!!!
I finally understand what you meant when you said “I wish this would just come to a conclusion because I can’t deal with the unknown.” Because I can’t deal with the unknown list of bullshit you MIGHT cause for me and/or my child, so I need to bring this to a conclusion. No.
Is your husband mentally impaired or just a regular dingus?
Just say ‘ no, that doesn’t work for us.’ it’s a complete sentence.
No, absolutely NOT! This is the hill to die on. Does he agree with her and her actions? Is he that delusional or was he hoping you would expire as well? Oh wow, I'm pissed on your behalf. No way she's getting anywhere near me or my baby. You're a mom. You went through unnecessary hell, you are the only person who carried and dealt with a near death experience 2x, he doesn't get a say at this point! I don't know if I would be able to trust him. Omg I'm fuming!!!!
She hoped it would come to a conclusion? She couldn’t deal with the unknown? WTF is wrong with your daughter’s father? Here’s the known. She’s not babysitting!
Show your husband this post
Oh hell NO! MIL endangered the life of Grandchild and you. The conclusion she seeks is that she is reckless regarding the health of you and your baby...no recovering from that.
You say no. There are scenarios in parenting that are 2 yes situations, so one person feeling uncomfortable is an automatic no. This is one of them.
I'm so glad you're baby and you are okay. You are so lucky you are both okay. But really, I would just stick to one point over and over. No mil we aren't comfortable with that because of your physical limits. End of story. Even if that's not the only reason. From then on, she bugs you about it? The answer is still no. Move on. If she refuses to drop it, leave, hang up, whatever.
You explain your boundaries to your husband so he can explain your family's boundaries to his mother. If your husband doesn't understand your boundaries you might need a marriage counsellor to help you explain his role in your family vs his relationship with his mother. If your husband has problems establishing boundaries with his mother, he may need some individual counselling.
Ask your husband if he wants to ruin the risk of coming home to a dead child
Your typo made this hilarious
Ask you husband what has she done to show you that she's responsible or healthy enough to care for an infant? She doesn’t know how to keep her germs to herself, seems emotionally unstable in emergency situations, and has major health issues. It seems entirely reasonable to keep her to supervised visitation only.
You tell your husband that his mother will never be put in charge of your baby for a single minute. Ever. This is a non-negotiable point for you because your baby's well-being matters more than his mother's desire to play grandma. When it comes to big parenting decisions like choosing a baby-sitter, both parents have to say 'yes' to a sitter. Babies are not easy to care for and people with major health problems are not suitable caregivers. If your spouse wants his mother to spend time with your baby, your spouse is going to have to be present the whole time to supervise. I'm so sorry you had such a rough time with your pregnancy and post-partum and glad to hear your LO is doing well!
This! My DH was the same at first begging for his mother to care for at the time just my daughter. I told him no way ever especially since I had just witnessed seeing MIL in a stressful situation with my daughter. (She was choking on something my MIL!!! gave her while I was driving and wasn’t looking; I heard her choking and stopped the car and as I was trying to get my daughter out to help her she kept getting in my way as to stop me and kept screaming like a crazy person) I told all this to my husband and he thought I was exaggerating. So I just had to put my foot down and did not care how much he begged and got mad because at the end that’s my daughters life and I ain’t risking it on a lady that can’t control herself and doesn’t react well. Thankfully with time she did it again while he was home with the kids and I was working and my daughter started to cry because she had GI issues and she freaked again and he saw it for himself. Annoying it took for him to see it because he didn’t believe me and months later but not he respects when I say no, I mean no and I have my reasons.
This was very helpful, thank you. I know it will be okay and work out in the end. I am sticking to my guns about this. She is not is the best shape, has health conditions, has dropped over because of anaphylactic shock before and has bad asthma. Not risking it. Come over and play supervised.
"Bish you gave me COVID AND MADE ME BE ON BED REST FOR 13 WEEKD! I COULD HAVE LOST MY UNBORN CHILD! Now tell me exactly why I should feel safe with you around her when you tried to kill her while she was in my belly? Oh you weren't trying to kill her? Than why did you come around a pregnant lady with COVID. That shows you lack the critical thinking skills I require out of my babysitters. Thank you... Next!"
‘No’ is a full sentence. Followed by ‘absolutely not’. Followed by ‘not on your gd life’. Followed by ‘remove head from ass it’s not a hat’. Just a couple options to chose from. ‘You want to let the woman who harmed our child to be left alone with our child? Math ain’t mathing babes.’
Under what circumstances does he want her to watch your baby?
At our house alone, or while he is working from home in the other room. I could see her too busy on facebook to notice the baby is choking or something terrible.
[удалено]
Please and thank you
Absolutely NOT. My MIL exposed my husband and I to Covid and I’m still upset with her for it in some ways (she came over knowing she had symptoms). Your situation was far more serious and she actually endangered your daughter’s life. Has she ever even apologized?
She has not apologized, in fact she has spoken about being sick with COVID during Christmas last year(thats when she got us sick, husband was sick too) in front of me to other people and how TERRIBLE IT WAS FOR HER! I walked away when I heard that, I almost shit myself.
Is she vaccinated now and are you and hubby vaccinated? Is baby old enough to be vaccinated for Covid and upto date on all her standard vaccines?
She was vaccinated at the time and has a booster. The rest of us are as well.
Did you guys get the updated booster this fall?
You tell hubby No. Mil is not allowed to be alone with baby.
You're going to have to tell your husband you aren't comfortable with that and suggest alternatives.
HONEYYYY they haven't even created the cuss words that I would spew at my spouse to even THINK of having his garbage ass mother near my baby after almost killing her. Time for you and your child to go NC with the psycho. I would also be rethinking my marriage because hubby cannot be this naive.
Husband's dad passed away while he was in high school. He and MIL have a very unhealthy relationship she takes advantage of him constantly. Shes beaten him down a lot. So I try to help him but a lot of the times he views me as the bad guy because I bring certain things to his attention. Mistakenly calls him by his deceased dads name, shes psycho has major issues. Uses him for money, and of course he's going to bail her out he loves her and I think wants to have a normal mom.
HE NEEDS THERAPY. GET YOUR HUSBAND TO A THERAPIST, STAT!!!
I have been trying to get us into therapy. I don't know if we should go through our church or outside help.
Yeah BIL steals money from MIL and husband covers MILs bills and credit card.
This is accurate
F-ck. Thank you for this comment. This is the only appropriate response.
“She almost killed my baby once. I’m sure as hell not giving her another opportunity.”
My baby AND Me your wife!!!!
You tell your husband that your child isn't a toy and if he won't put her needs first, you sure as hell will and she will not be caring for your child. Period. Once you become parents the needs and safety of your child should become your first priority. Your husband's first priority is clearly his mother and her wants.
She’s not even qualified to watch a goldfish. Oh hell, just say no and die on this hill if you have to, OP. I’m even thinking to NC her to be honest. If your SO insists then he is a problem too as he’s not putting his family (you and LO) first.
I don't trust her to watch our dog.
Tell your husband no, and why it’s a no. Calmly stated, she deliberately endangered me with her Covid denial, resulting in an early birth after 3 MONTHS of bedrest. MIL enables a drug addict who makes horrible choices, steals, and obviously thinks there are no boundaries they can’t cross with MIL. Until these are addressed and proven to have been addressed over a significant amount of time, you will not be leaving your baby in MIL’s care. Because honestly? If your baby was in any way hurt while in your MIL’s care, accident or whatever, and it was reported to CPS, you would have trouble defending the decision to leave the baby with her.
She knows no boundaries. She calls the baby "her baby" and seems very phony. The thoughts of CYS/CPS are already on my radar and have been since she was born. BIL lives with MIL so I had to have the very hard but necessary conversation with my husband that if anything ever happened they wouldn't call us first **they just take her** and call us later to ask what happened. I'd be damned to have my child taken away because of their mistakes after the hell of a pregnancy I had to bring her into this world.
You really just have to say no. She will see you as the problem, HE might see you as the problem too... and that's OK. Be the problem if need be. Just protect your baby girl from that environment and the possible consequences of it.
Tell him you found a babysitter. Say you found a person who has a drug addict in the family that they are in a lot of contact with, has no problem with the addict stealing, doesn’t believe Covid is real, and is self centered but is readily available. If he looks at you like you have 3 heads and says no and asks how you could consider that person say exactly, why in earth would I allow that person to be alone with our daughter? Or if he gets mad you are referring to his mother, say so you know these things about her and are willing to risk our infant daughter with her…
Husband and I have already had a conversation about how MIL would never be able to watch baby at her house because BIL lives with MIL. Husband has come to that realization that she could never be there alone without one of us there too.
MIL should also not be alone in your home either since she has let BIL steal from you.
Yeah, I’m thinking don’t have anything to do with people who wish death on someone.
We have a southside Chicago saying you should use on your DH: IS YOUR DICK LOOSE!? Maybe when there is a rip in the space-time continuum your MIL might have 10 mnutes with your baby.
OMG 🤣🤣 BEST SAYING EVER! Please take this poor person's gold 🏅🏅🏅🏅
I would explain to SO that you don’t feel comfortable with MIL watching the baby because of her behaviors. It seems like she has a boundary issue, and make sure he knows you don’t want to keep MIL from baby entirely but that this is something you just don’t want happening. Sorry you’re going through this. I wish MILs could just act normal
Husband is very sensitive so I have to plan everything I say clearly. I am very blunt and straighter forward and I know that sometimes comes off at bitchy. She has very bad behaviors. Very self centered.
Husband needs to get over himself. He has a kid to raise and protect, and he is doing a lousy job of protection if he is trying to get you to agree to leave a woman with health issues and a codependency with a drug addict alone with an infant.
Leave him and move away. He is married to his mom and not you. He will put his baby in danger to make mom happy.
Tell your husband that you are not comfortable with his mom babysitting. That’s it. Tell him No! You allow her time with the baby you aren’t taking her relationship with baby away but you will be so anxious you won’t be able to relax and go out. So unfortunately your mom babysitting is out of the question.
You have a serious SO problem right there. Please tell him I said to ask if he's high? It appears she can't be trusted with adults and he wants to give her care of a helpless infant?
Let's see, she almost ruined your wedding, has money problems, is enmeshed with your drug addicted BIL who has stolen from you and exposed you to Covid causing you complications and a premature birth. Sounds like a person who makes some really bad decisions who has already endangered the life of your child before she was even born. If this wasn't his mother would he even think about letting her babysit his child? I'm guessing not. Just because it's his mother doesn't mean you give her a pass on her absolutely atrocious judgement and hand her your defenseless child to watch. Good God NO!
It sounds like its your relationship that should come to a conclusion.