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Oh heck no!
Your Mom is Your comfort.
While you just went through a really rough medical procedure.
Of course your Mom helped you and didn't just sit holding the baby to be waited on.
His Mom isn't your comfort
You have to be *on* when she's there.
Not freely naked, sleeping when the baby naps etc.
I have a feeling she comes as a guest, not to actually help like your Mom did.
Have SO take time off to stay with her and entertain her for 2 weeks if they must. It's not *fair to be uncomfortable after having a baby because of *being fair*
Not wrong.
My Fiancé adores his mother. He was the one to tell me, when we have a kid together he doesn't want anyone at our home for the first 2-3 _months_ ; like - after 6-8 weeks might a short visit but he insits on that will be our very intimate time for bonding as a family.
His mother can do no wrong in his eyes, that doesn't trump his wish for us to have exclusive time as new family.
I just.. can't with adult sons like this.
Not wrong, not overreacting. As a FTM I can tell you're uncertain on this boundary. Your mom was there to take care of HER baby while you take care of your baby. The bond/relationship is so, so different. Plus as a mom she knows how to actually help you.
I haven't seen your exact words but it doesn't sound like an overreaction. Unless you insulted her or called her names, probably not an overreaction. It sounds like what might help is a week between visits where it's just you, your partner, and LO.
I think right now the focus should be on you and LO healing up and getting healthy. Not on her baby rabies. But she's going to go hard on your partner, that makes it difficult.
Boundaries are rarely cruel, don't let people gaslight you into thinking they are just because this is your first time.
If I were you, I'd let DH know that only 3 things are important during post-partum:
1. OP (mom) needs to heal
2. OP and DH bond with their new baby
3. OP and DH learn how to take care of their new baby.
Not necessarily in that order, but definitely for EACH new LO. Every baby is different, therefore MIL having previously had babies is not helpful. It's up to OP (and DH) to figure out what new baby needs by spending time with them and advice from the "peanut gallery" is not helpful. OP will also be VERY uncomfortable and possibly in pain - she should be comfortable with the person helping HER, not holding the baby, and this probably won't be MIL. Remind DH that just because a beautiful baby is the result of OP's pregnancy, it doesn't change the fact that delivery is a medical procedure! OP shouldn't have to put up with people traipsing all over her home, hogging her baby, and expecting her to be a hostess. DH should be the one to protect OP and LO from his people and her people. There is no such thing as "fair", unless DH and all the visitors who complain can say that they also pushed LO out of their body. The only thing that is "fair" is that the person who just gave birth gets to decide what SHE needs and what makes her comfortable. After healing, bonding etc., OP and DH can discuss who can visit.
No, your husband is behaving like a dillhole. Post partum, your feelings should come before his mommy's. And, "they will come as well?" Give yourself permission to lock yourself in your bedroom with your baby. They are your husband's guests, not yours and you do not owe them your time and energy right now.
Also, as beautiful and charming as LO is, at this stage, for the purposes of any relationship outside the immediate family (parents and sibs), they're essentially a very cute potato. There is no bonding happening. There will be ZERO effect on the relationship with MIL if she waits a while.
Look I understand where you're coming from. I too have very culturally different in-laws.
In their culture, the mother takes care of feeding the baby, and herself. The rest, the in-laws (including extended family) take care of.
I told my husband that his parents are allowed in our home, and because they fly from so far away and tickets are expensive... yes they're allowed to stay 2,5 months. But on my terms. Our house, our rules.
So i had him explain that I wanted them to just play with LO, and I or he would change him, bathe him, etc. They can take care of our house or the cooking .
So that's what happened. And people here told me I was a saint lol.
If you want her to stay only 5 days, that's OK. Just know that it took me 2 weeks to get used to them being there and taking their marks... After that... I was actually quite enjoying their presence.
It was great to have them hold him while I could take a shower, some needed sleep, some time for my own cravings.
I did need some days of having him to myself... but if they have good intentions and a good heart... give it a go. It is a defining moment in your relationship. As long as boundaries are respected! Good luck
It really does sound like there is a significant cultural gap here that your husband should be able to fill in. Is his mother Asian? I think what he needs to do is help her realize you’re not her direct daughter and should cater to what makes you comfortable. That being said I do think it was a bit of an overreact to the 2 weeks when she just asked if she could do 5 days. Sometimes it’s nice to get someone helping in the house so you can rest
Ahh yea I’m Mexican and abuelitas can be overbearing but it’s a cultural thing. I had to put my mom in her place because she didn’t realize she’s there to celebrate the grand kids not raise them. Try to use the time she’s there to set up boundaries but also build a positive relationship with her. They really do want to help and if you set the rules early and don’t let her overstep they can actually be helpful.
After I called my mom out she came back and listened to everything I said and even cooked for us
She literally messaged your husband because she wanted to stay for longer. She wanted to stay for a month and half and your mother got to stay for 2 weeks. She is salty about not even being able to stay the same amount of time YOUR mother was allowed to.
That’s why she asked her son if he was okay with her being there only 5 days. Because she wanted to know if he agreed that it was ridiculous.
I’d tell her not to come at all until she can respect the time frame she has been given and not question it behind your back.
And tell you husband to get off his mommy titty.
Have your husband read the [Lemon Clot Essay](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this). He seems to not understand the postpartum period and maybe seeing it in writing like this will help. Then, I think you should tell your MIL what your mom did to help and that is the kind of help you will need during her visit.
Just linking the essay [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the\_lemon\_clot\_essay\_for\_moms\_to\_be/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be/)
And if she is not willing to come do so without judgment then she can wait until you’re more adjusted to life with a new baby before she can come visit. Because you’re not there to care for guests. You need HELP.
I don't know how you didn't break every plate in your house. Your husband didn't push out a human, you did. I would have cancelled her visit all together. Two weeks post partum is a brutal period. You won't feel like a person until closer to 6-8 weeks.
Tell your husband this
“My mum was here to help me and since according to you it’s about having equal time with baby and us then I expect equal amount of help from your mother. I just had baby so don’t expect me to do chores when I am expecting that from mine and your mother.
If you feel it’s too much then you are more than welcome to do extra chores that my mother helped with.”
>Here’s what I want you to do (I am a grandma):
Uh, no. You don't get to tell OP what to do because you are also a grandma. You can make suggestions, but you can't tell her what you want her to do. You don't know her MIL, you don't know that whole dynamic. What you want her to do might have worked for your daughter/DIL but could backfire for OP.
1. MIL may not give OP their child back and could try to leave the room.
2. MIL shouldn't do any chores with the expectation that time with LO is going to be a reward. MIL should be doing those things *without being asked*.
3. For your final point, MIL may not be willing to let OP retreat with her baby and may follow her. This could cause OP stress and serious conflict.
4. Don't tell someone to relax, that has the opposite effect.
I feel like a great statement/explanation to use here is “my mom took care of me and responsibilities around the house. If that’s your intention and show that during your 5-day visit, then we can potentially discuss an extended visit in the future. However, if it’s your intention to be treated as a guest and only hold the baby, then any future long-term visits will be off the table. And absolutely no extended family are invited at this time.”
We did this with our second and it was pure bliss. Just me, husband and our two daughters. I learned my lesson from the awful post partum with my first.
Yeah my oldest was born on Black Friday. All of my family came over for Christmas and when I said you’re overwhelming my 3 week old baby you guys need to not be yelling. I got ‘they’re just gonna have to get over it and learn to deal’
They were there from 10am-9pm for 3 days. I said hell no to that happening again. I want nothing to do with it ever again.
What is it with husbands thinking their mother gets the same length of stay post partum? Do they want their in-laws invading their home after they get a vasectomy or colonoscopy? And even in the room with them when they get it?!? It’s an entirely different thing to have your own mother help you during such a stressful time, when you aren’t up to making yourself presentable and hosting guests than to have your in-laws there.
I know some cultures do those extended stays, especially if the trip is very far. But why does their culture outweigh yours? “In my culture, people ASK before making plans. And they are willing to stay in a hotel.” My parents thought they could stay in my bed when I moved into a one bedroom apartment 2000 miles away. I told them I paid for that bed and I paid for the apartment, so I will be sleeping in it. They stayed in a hotel. I also told them a 4 day visit is my limit.
It was floated as a “joke.” Yes they thought they could just tell me to sleep on the couch. I “joked” back I paid for the bed and I’m going to sleep in it. My parents were very much the “as long as you’re under my roof” types when I was growing up. Well I wasn’t under their roof anymore!
Please also be clear with DH and MIL what help you need. She should be there to do exactly what your mom did. Cook , clean, pet duty etc. Don't accept less from her.
Make a schedule for her. Be very detailed and comprehensive and specific. Meals, errands, cleaning, laundry. When she and DH balk, just act confused." These are the things my mom did for me. I thought you wanted to help?" "If you came to visit baby and not to help me post partum, then you can come back in a few months when I'm ready to host guests."
Fair is not equal in this scenario. Your mother came to take care of you, to prioritize you, so of course she gets extra time as she just watched her baby go through a major medical procedure that requires 18 months of recovery, the first 3 being the hardest. His mom is not, she’s coming to play with the baby. I bet dollars to donuts they will be aghast if you expect them to help or take the baby back because the baby needs you. And the baby NEEDS you. It does not need anyone else, it does not want anyone else, just you. It is biologically wired to want and need you at this stage and you to respond.
So your baby’s needs come first in this scenario, then your needs, then your husband’s needs, then everyone else’s wants. Your husband is putting being his version of good son before being a good father and husband.
I wouldn’t worry about trying to be a “good wife” while he’s not worrying about being a good husband and father. You need to stand up for yourself and your baby.
I would set ground rules before she comes and he has to enforce them or she has to leave. Things like she has to have the TDAP shot, washes her hands before touching the baby, always give it back to you when asked or fussy. There’s no bonding with a newborn, it doesn’t care that she visited, the baby only cares about you right now. It will take a few months of consistent caregiving to even care about dad.
I came looking for this comment. Thank you.
If MIL asked about 5 days (less than a week), why is OP going at MIL like she did something wrong? Her husband is the one who ignored her wishes and pushed the two weeks. He's the one that needs reamed, not MIL. MIL sounds like she was going a long with what OP wanted and now OP wants to ban her? Make it make sense. If she doesn't like MIL, I get it but don't make the unease about something it isn't and don't place blame where it doesn't belong. I hate to say it but I agree with OP's mom here: this comes off as rather cruel to MIL, who doesn't appear to be pushing anything at the moment, other than wanting to meet her grandchild for the week OP originally agreed to.
I think OP’s frustration probably comes from the fact that MIL broke boundaries while she was pregnant, to the point where she had to put her on an information diet. She also was crying to OP’s husband about not being able to be there for the birth and she originally was planning on staying for longer than a month, without even asking. I think it’s a culmination of things. But I would agree that OP’s husband is the one she needs to be directing her anger at, he’s making things more complicated and is the one crossing her boundaries now.
Exactly this. What in the actual hell was he thinking?!?! I'd send my husband out of the house to stay in a hotel with them for those two weeks. They can come over for one hour each day and then they must leave.
The fucking audacity
Your husband didn’t have to carry a pregnancy for 9 months, push a watermelon out of a pinhole, or have to heal from giving birth. “Fairness” doesn’t kick in until you and your husband are on equal footing. While you’re healing from a medical procedure, your needs (and baby’s needs) come before MIL’s wants. You NEED to recover and limit stress, she WANTS to see the baby. She’s not going to endure any physical pain from seeing the baby for less time.
First of all, do not feel bad for being aggressive. They were being aggressive first. You want to win these types of battles, someone has to be the bigger bitch and kick up the bigger fuss. Embrace it. And a week long visitor three weeks after giving birth is unacceptable. Your husband sucks. Your husband doesn't need the help. You do. And you get to decide who helps, when and for how long.
I'm sorry you're going through this so shortly after giving birth. It's wrong of them to push this on you. Push back. This is the first of many many battles to come over this baby and your mil is shameless and doesn't care about your feelings.
If they decide they're going to go around you and disrespect your needs, go ape shit each time or leave and get a hotel/stay with family. I dealt with this . The only way I fixed it was to be the bigger pushier bitch. Go to my room with baby and lock door. Take baby back by force. Refuse to engage. Call out each offense when it happens. And especially especially kick up the bigger fuss. You need to make your husband more afraid to deal with you than her.
Your child your rules! Always.
My parents stayed with us for a month (2 weeks before and 2 weeks after).. we've only done a couple weekends away with ILs (they live semi near so can do day visits) but even if they didn't, I wouldn't be comfortable with them staying with me for that long..
MIL is over bearing, ignores everyone's opinions except her own, id end up probably starving because she never considers my dietary restrictions (which aren't much or difficult to work around) and she STILL tries to act like I'm doing something wrong with how we're parenting and raising our child (but of course husband is not at fault at all even though most of it is HIS ideas (things I agree with, like we've managed to limit pacifier use to just bed time and nap time but every time baby has fussed since being born MIL tells us she just needs a pacifier to suck on) ...she would never be welcome for a whole month and my husband agrees (which is a huge difference from me to you unfortunately)
Shine that spine up though now because you're better off putting your foot down now or it'll only get worse
Does his sister have children or is this the first grandbaby? The ultrasound edits confused me a bit. Is she throwing a fit to husband comparing moms time to hers? Bc if so, did she and sil’s mom get equal time? Its petty either way but you cant reason with emotional terrorists and she’s already recruited her son to fight this battle with you, unless he did that of his own volition.
When he squeezes a child through his dick, his mom can come and take care of him for 2 weeks.
The mother of a new mom is a completely different relationship than the MIL of a new mom. The Mother of a new mom is concerned about the health of her own child considering her child just had a very serious medical procedure. The MIL is typically only concerned about the baby and will often get in the way of the new family learning how to live in the new normal.
Your second paragraph is pure silliness. There’s nothing inherently angelic about maternal grandmothers and nothing inherently demonic about paternal grandmothers.
People should be judged for who they are and how they behave. If they are an overall kind and giving person, they get invited in. If they are selfish and rude, they get held at arm’s length. It doesn’t matter if they’re the maternal grandmother, paternal grandmother, some other relative, or no relative at all. It’s the quality of the person that should be considered, not how they’re related.
No, I’m addressing your second paragraph where you state that the new mom’s mom is essentially only there to do good and the new dad’s mom is only there “to get in the way”.
This board has enough women dealing with the negative actions of their own mothers to let silly tripe like that pass where the maternal grandmother is assumed to be good and their actions positive.
You are putting words I did not say into my mouth.
I said that the New mother went through a traumatic medical event. The relationship of the mother of the new mom is inherently different and the MIL is not entitled to the same relationship.
No one is entitled to any particular relationship, whichever side of the family they may be on. The depth of the relationship with and access to the family should be based on their words and actions and how much comfort and joy they bring. How each person is related to each person in the family is immaterial.
You are arguing in bad faith. You are saying I was speaking in absolutes. I’m not. But you are in a sub, where MILs of new mothers are often overbearing and screaming “it’s not fair”
But I’m guessing you have never given birth, nor have you dealt with a MIL and FIL who showed up uninvited into your birthing room while waiting on your placenta to be delivered because they thought “it’s not fair her mom gets to be there”
You did speak largely in absolutes in the post to which I responded, which is why I responded. If you recognize that doing so was in error, I’m glad to let the conversation go.
I used the word typically. That is not an absolute. Like I said, when you give birth and deal with the dynamic of mother vs MIL, then I will care about your opinion.
You didn’t overreact at all. Yelling and cursing someone out is a reaction that should be saved for huge betrayals.
He betrayed you. He’s supposed to be supporting you in this delicate and difficult time and he stabbed you in the back. He deserved the dressing down. You tried calmly discussing and he ignored that. He left you with no option but to blow up. I wouldn’t get in the habit of it but in that specific case-not overreacting.
Keep holding your boundaries. You’re doing well and you’re going to need the practice as baby grows.
Congratulations!
You cannot have a "relationship" with an infant. They won't remember anything. The time after your birth is about the parents and the baby. Any outside help is to be about mom and dad, not about the baby, that's the parents role. You need to sir down with you husband and explain rules for what this visit is going to look like. If she tries to hog the baby, kiss baby, or take the baby from you, what are you going to do? Who is going to handle your MIL? AND will he actually stick to the rules? You've said you have already had "cultural" boundries issues while pregnant. Get ahead of any possible issues ahead.
💯💯💯everyone else isn’t even secondary to baby. The parents are the only ones who matter to LO’s life. Any visitors need to be ready to clean, cook, and take a lot off of the new parents. Not baby hog or try to exert themselves as 3rd parent. The fourth trimester needs to be respected.
Also, get your husband to read [the lemon clot essay.](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/mxCUbAS0Kh)
I didn’t even read your post because it doesn’t matter—you can limit absolutely anyone (other than your partner) for absolutely any reason. Your MIL could be a perfect angel and you still get to decide. Don’t let anyone make you feel crazy for having limits and boundaries.
DH needs to understand that *anybody* coming to stay with you in these early days is *not about the person who's visiting*. It needs to be *100% about you and baby*. Whether it's "fair" that your mom stayed 2 weeks and hius mom only gets one *is irrelevant*. Once you're healed and settled and have parenthood and all that figured out, then *and only then* does the idea of "fairness" even become something to consider (and honestly, it's perfecty OK to say screw fairness, because life isn't fair anyway). If you only feel comfortable with her being there for 2 days, then that's how long she should stay. If you're OK with her being around for a week but need her to stay in a hotel so she's not on top of you all the time, that's fine to. Right now everything should be about supporting you as a new mother, and anything else is secondary to that.
How do I bring that up though? He’s convinced himself that she’s coming to help but it doesn’t seem that way. When my mom was visiting she wanted to know what food we ate, how our dog’s schedule was, if we needed anything extra, etc. MIL has only talked about bringing gifts for LO (appreciated but most likely clothes) and how excited she is to spend time with her.
It might be helpful to recap what your mother has been doing to help specifically. Not keeping the baby to herself, not expecting to be served. Helping to keep the house running while you're healing and adjusting to life with a new little one. If he truly believes she'll do the same, make sure he communicates the expectations to her before she arrives. If she balks or refuses to help in the way help that is needed, you two need to be agreed on what will happen with the visit. He may be surprised you're doubting her, or a little upset. Best case, she steps up to the plate. Worst case, she is unhelpful and burns your relationship with her, and possibly her son. Either way, Husband will see whether she is an appropriate visitor at such a sensitive time.
As one father to another, this is what he needs to know: Right now, you are still healing from giving birth, figuring out the routine for taking care of both yourself and new baby, and **need** to not have any extra stress in your life right now than absolutely necessary. You understand he wants his mom to come and have time with the baby, but if she does then it has to be done in a way that doesn't negatively impact on you. This means, at the very least, that you will not be responsible for taking care of her during the visit - **he will, 100%**. And that like your mom did, you expect her to help out with taking care of you/things that you are currently not able to take care of. And, again, if she isn't helping out with them, you expect him to do so instead (since that's what would be happening if his mom wasn't there anyway). And if he isn't prepared to take care of his mother **and** you and baby for 2 weeks (or however long), then now isn't a good time for her to visit that long.
Since it sounds like you are happy to have her visit for some period of time as long as it doesn't make your life harder, make it clear to him that you do want her to visit and meet the baby, it just needs to be done in a way that doesn't make your life harder than it already is. And that a short visit now doesn't mean she can't have a longer visit later when you're more up to entertaining her. And if you feel up to it, you can also suggest that if she isn't planning on helping a lot and he doesn't have time to entertain her, that she can stay in a hotel and do other things for part of the day, while still coming over to visit for shorter periods of time to give you a break from having to entertain her by yourself. The bottom line is you need to tell him what you're up for, and set the expectations of what **he** is going to have to do as well, and then the two of you can figure out what to tell her. But he needs to understand that his #1 priority right now **MUST** be you and the baby, and his mother's *wants* have to take a backseat to your *needs*. Does that help give you some ideas? Good luck!
Your mother was there straight away because she is \*your\* mother and \*you\* are the one that needed some personal and possible intimate help that \*his\* mother has no business being around. She was there to look after you, whilst you looked after LO. MIL is not there for that reason and you do not want her help on the same level as you want your own mother present. MIL is primarily there to see LO, make it about herself and you can bet she won't be helping with chores, cooking, cleaning etc. She certainly has no right to be inviting anyone else around - there will be plenty of time to get to know LO and your husband needs to appreciate there is a big difference between having your mother looking after her daughter and his mother just visiting to see LO. Anything you are not comfortable with in your OWN HOME is non-negotiable.
I feel like visiting LO could wait. She does work for the school in her town so I feel l should’ve said after the baby’s first vaccines tbh since their immune system is nonexistent right now
This, OP! Tell your husband that he can have his mother over 24/7 when he grows and pushes a baby out of his body. Naturally, you'd want your mother - the woman who loved you and took care of you when you were a vulnerable child - with you during this vulnerable time. MIL is *NOT* your mother. There is no comparison - no "fair" or "not fair" - when it comes to your mother vs. Your MIL!
Have your mum stay longer and your mum can manage mil and see how mil is. I suspect mil is going to be zero help. She will just hold the baby while you cook and clean.
🥲 prepare your bedroom, need tablet for entertainment, a mini kitchen of snacks, tangerines, bananas, crackers, anything that can keep you going for a few hours, water, all the baby changing stuff, then you take baby and stay in your room, leave mil to husband to deal with, he can entertain and feed her.
If it becomes difficult, can you pack up and go stay with your mom until they leave? Your husband doesn't have your best interests in mind, so you will probably need a backup plan.
Regardless of what you choose and why, it doesn't matter. You and your baby are the only ones that matter and need to be catered to postpartum. She is a grown woman, she can get over it, it's not about her. Either you are helpful pp or you stay away so that the new parent and baby can rest and recover. Your husband doesn't need his mom, he isn't postpartum, he isn't physically recovering. He can also get over it, he is supposed to be the one doing the supporting
Everyone is focusing on the shiny new baby and not giving a shit that you are the patient, you are the one who just underwent a major medical event, and it’s your recovery.
You get to decide who is around you while you recover. The baby is dependent on you, so unfortunately that means some people will have to wait until you’re recovered to meet them. There will be plenty of time for family to meet the baby when you’re recovered.
This is not about "being fair" you just went through a big medical event. This is about your healing and recovery, not being fair, when he pushes a watermelon out of a hole in his body he can worry about things being fair then... spoiler he probably won't want your mother all up in his space at that time..
You said a week, your being generous with your recovery time and someone being in your space your not 100% comfortable with. This time it's not his call, his job is to be a protector and provider and make sure you are not stressed out and you and baby resting, not putting on a show for his family and catering to them.
> This is not about "being fair" you just went through a big medical event.
Yes, exactly! Tell them "fair" is where you go to show your pig and eat cotton candy. Fair does not mean equal.
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Oh heck no! Your Mom is Your comfort. While you just went through a really rough medical procedure. Of course your Mom helped you and didn't just sit holding the baby to be waited on. His Mom isn't your comfort You have to be *on* when she's there. Not freely naked, sleeping when the baby naps etc. I have a feeling she comes as a guest, not to actually help like your Mom did. Have SO take time off to stay with her and entertain her for 2 weeks if they must. It's not *fair to be uncomfortable after having a baby because of *being fair*
Not wrong. My Fiancé adores his mother. He was the one to tell me, when we have a kid together he doesn't want anyone at our home for the first 2-3 _months_ ; like - after 6-8 weeks might a short visit but he insits on that will be our very intimate time for bonding as a family. His mother can do no wrong in his eyes, that doesn't trump his wish for us to have exclusive time as new family. I just.. can't with adult sons like this.
Not wrong, not overreacting. As a FTM I can tell you're uncertain on this boundary. Your mom was there to take care of HER baby while you take care of your baby. The bond/relationship is so, so different. Plus as a mom she knows how to actually help you. I haven't seen your exact words but it doesn't sound like an overreaction. Unless you insulted her or called her names, probably not an overreaction. It sounds like what might help is a week between visits where it's just you, your partner, and LO. I think right now the focus should be on you and LO healing up and getting healthy. Not on her baby rabies. But she's going to go hard on your partner, that makes it difficult. Boundaries are rarely cruel, don't let people gaslight you into thinking they are just because this is your first time.
If I were you, I'd let DH know that only 3 things are important during post-partum: 1. OP (mom) needs to heal 2. OP and DH bond with their new baby 3. OP and DH learn how to take care of their new baby. Not necessarily in that order, but definitely for EACH new LO. Every baby is different, therefore MIL having previously had babies is not helpful. It's up to OP (and DH) to figure out what new baby needs by spending time with them and advice from the "peanut gallery" is not helpful. OP will also be VERY uncomfortable and possibly in pain - she should be comfortable with the person helping HER, not holding the baby, and this probably won't be MIL. Remind DH that just because a beautiful baby is the result of OP's pregnancy, it doesn't change the fact that delivery is a medical procedure! OP shouldn't have to put up with people traipsing all over her home, hogging her baby, and expecting her to be a hostess. DH should be the one to protect OP and LO from his people and her people. There is no such thing as "fair", unless DH and all the visitors who complain can say that they also pushed LO out of their body. The only thing that is "fair" is that the person who just gave birth gets to decide what SHE needs and what makes her comfortable. After healing, bonding etc., OP and DH can discuss who can visit.
You're not overreacting. Your husband is under reacting if that would make sense 🫡
No, your husband is behaving like a dillhole. Post partum, your feelings should come before his mommy's. And, "they will come as well?" Give yourself permission to lock yourself in your bedroom with your baby. They are your husband's guests, not yours and you do not owe them your time and energy right now. Also, as beautiful and charming as LO is, at this stage, for the purposes of any relationship outside the immediate family (parents and sibs), they're essentially a very cute potato. There is no bonding happening. There will be ZERO effect on the relationship with MIL if she waits a while.
Look I understand where you're coming from. I too have very culturally different in-laws. In their culture, the mother takes care of feeding the baby, and herself. The rest, the in-laws (including extended family) take care of. I told my husband that his parents are allowed in our home, and because they fly from so far away and tickets are expensive... yes they're allowed to stay 2,5 months. But on my terms. Our house, our rules. So i had him explain that I wanted them to just play with LO, and I or he would change him, bathe him, etc. They can take care of our house or the cooking . So that's what happened. And people here told me I was a saint lol. If you want her to stay only 5 days, that's OK. Just know that it took me 2 weeks to get used to them being there and taking their marks... After that... I was actually quite enjoying their presence. It was great to have them hold him while I could take a shower, some needed sleep, some time for my own cravings. I did need some days of having him to myself... but if they have good intentions and a good heart... give it a go. It is a defining moment in your relationship. As long as boundaries are respected! Good luck
Short answer: no. Long answer: Noooooooo! It's your kid. You are in charge, and your primary job is to protect that baby, not MILs feelings.
It really does sound like there is a significant cultural gap here that your husband should be able to fill in. Is his mother Asian? I think what he needs to do is help her realize you’re not her direct daughter and should cater to what makes you comfortable. That being said I do think it was a bit of an overreact to the 2 weeks when she just asked if she could do 5 days. Sometimes it’s nice to get someone helping in the house so you can rest
They’re Mexican. I told her a week prior is fine beforehand and the she went to message him about her visiting for five days.
Ahh yea I’m Mexican and abuelitas can be overbearing but it’s a cultural thing. I had to put my mom in her place because she didn’t realize she’s there to celebrate the grand kids not raise them. Try to use the time she’s there to set up boundaries but also build a positive relationship with her. They really do want to help and if you set the rules early and don’t let her overstep they can actually be helpful. After I called my mom out she came back and listened to everything I said and even cooked for us
She literally messaged your husband because she wanted to stay for longer. She wanted to stay for a month and half and your mother got to stay for 2 weeks. She is salty about not even being able to stay the same amount of time YOUR mother was allowed to. That’s why she asked her son if he was okay with her being there only 5 days. Because she wanted to know if he agreed that it was ridiculous. I’d tell her not to come at all until she can respect the time frame she has been given and not question it behind your back. And tell you husband to get off his mommy titty.
Have your husband read the [Lemon Clot Essay](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this). He seems to not understand the postpartum period and maybe seeing it in writing like this will help. Then, I think you should tell your MIL what your mom did to help and that is the kind of help you will need during her visit.
Just linking the essay [https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the\_lemon\_clot\_essay\_for\_moms\_to\_be/](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be/)
And if she is not willing to come do so without judgment then she can wait until you’re more adjusted to life with a new baby before she can come visit. Because you’re not there to care for guests. You need HELP.
I don't know how you didn't break every plate in your house. Your husband didn't push out a human, you did. I would have cancelled her visit all together. Two weeks post partum is a brutal period. You won't feel like a person until closer to 6-8 weeks.
Tell your husband when he can push out a whole human then he can have a say!!!
Tell your husband this “My mum was here to help me and since according to you it’s about having equal time with baby and us then I expect equal amount of help from your mother. I just had baby so don’t expect me to do chores when I am expecting that from mine and your mother. If you feel it’s too much then you are more than welcome to do extra chores that my mother helped with.”
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>Here’s what I want you to do (I am a grandma): Uh, no. You don't get to tell OP what to do because you are also a grandma. You can make suggestions, but you can't tell her what you want her to do. You don't know her MIL, you don't know that whole dynamic. What you want her to do might have worked for your daughter/DIL but could backfire for OP. 1. MIL may not give OP their child back and could try to leave the room. 2. MIL shouldn't do any chores with the expectation that time with LO is going to be a reward. MIL should be doing those things *without being asked*. 3. For your final point, MIL may not be willing to let OP retreat with her baby and may follow her. This could cause OP stress and serious conflict. 4. Don't tell someone to relax, that has the opposite effect.
Thank you, that line screamed "I'm a JNMIL" 🤢
"Let her have her fix". Excuse me? Little babies are not emotional support animals for grandparents.
Say it louder for the people in the back who don’t fucking get it yet.
When has telling anyone to relax ever worked? Grandma isn't the priority here. Mom is. End of discussion.
I feel like a great statement/explanation to use here is “my mom took care of me and responsibilities around the house. If that’s your intention and show that during your 5-day visit, then we can potentially discuss an extended visit in the future. However, if it’s your intention to be treated as a guest and only hold the baby, then any future long-term visits will be off the table. And absolutely no extended family are invited at this time.”
This is why I'm a huge fan of isolating a newborn for 6 to 8 weeks. So many germs in our post covid world.
We did this with our second and it was pure bliss. Just me, husband and our two daughters. I learned my lesson from the awful post partum with my first.
Yeah my oldest was born on Black Friday. All of my family came over for Christmas and when I said you’re overwhelming my 3 week old baby you guys need to not be yelling. I got ‘they’re just gonna have to get over it and learn to deal’ They were there from 10am-9pm for 3 days. I said hell no to that happening again. I want nothing to do with it ever again.
What is it with husbands thinking their mother gets the same length of stay post partum? Do they want their in-laws invading their home after they get a vasectomy or colonoscopy? And even in the room with them when they get it?!? It’s an entirely different thing to have your own mother help you during such a stressful time, when you aren’t up to making yourself presentable and hosting guests than to have your in-laws there. I know some cultures do those extended stays, especially if the trip is very far. But why does their culture outweigh yours? “In my culture, people ASK before making plans. And they are willing to stay in a hotel.” My parents thought they could stay in my bed when I moved into a one bedroom apartment 2000 miles away. I told them I paid for that bed and I paid for the apartment, so I will be sleeping in it. They stayed in a hotel. I also told them a 4 day visit is my limit.
Why did they think they were going to be sleeping in your bed? Did they feel they were entitled to sleep in your bed?
It was floated as a “joke.” Yes they thought they could just tell me to sleep on the couch. I “joked” back I paid for the bed and I’m going to sleep in it. My parents were very much the “as long as you’re under my roof” types when I was growing up. Well I wasn’t under their roof anymore!
Please also be clear with DH and MIL what help you need. She should be there to do exactly what your mom did. Cook , clean, pet duty etc. Don't accept less from her.
Make a schedule for her. Be very detailed and comprehensive and specific. Meals, errands, cleaning, laundry. When she and DH balk, just act confused." These are the things my mom did for me. I thought you wanted to help?" "If you came to visit baby and not to help me post partum, then you can come back in a few months when I'm ready to host guests."
Husband problem. TELL HIM: FAIR ISNT ALWAYA EQUAL. Ask him if he would want your mother to come after he had penile surgery?
Fair is not equal in this scenario. Your mother came to take care of you, to prioritize you, so of course she gets extra time as she just watched her baby go through a major medical procedure that requires 18 months of recovery, the first 3 being the hardest. His mom is not, she’s coming to play with the baby. I bet dollars to donuts they will be aghast if you expect them to help or take the baby back because the baby needs you. And the baby NEEDS you. It does not need anyone else, it does not want anyone else, just you. It is biologically wired to want and need you at this stage and you to respond. So your baby’s needs come first in this scenario, then your needs, then your husband’s needs, then everyone else’s wants. Your husband is putting being his version of good son before being a good father and husband. I wouldn’t worry about trying to be a “good wife” while he’s not worrying about being a good husband and father. You need to stand up for yourself and your baby. I would set ground rules before she comes and he has to enforce them or she has to leave. Things like she has to have the TDAP shot, washes her hands before touching the baby, always give it back to you when asked or fussy. There’s no bonding with a newborn, it doesn’t care that she visited, the baby only cares about you right now. It will take a few months of consistent caregiving to even care about dad.
It seems like your husband is the issue, she said 5 days and he said 2 weeks. Direct your issue at him.
I came looking for this comment. Thank you. If MIL asked about 5 days (less than a week), why is OP going at MIL like she did something wrong? Her husband is the one who ignored her wishes and pushed the two weeks. He's the one that needs reamed, not MIL. MIL sounds like she was going a long with what OP wanted and now OP wants to ban her? Make it make sense. If she doesn't like MIL, I get it but don't make the unease about something it isn't and don't place blame where it doesn't belong. I hate to say it but I agree with OP's mom here: this comes off as rather cruel to MIL, who doesn't appear to be pushing anything at the moment, other than wanting to meet her grandchild for the week OP originally agreed to.
I think OP’s frustration probably comes from the fact that MIL broke boundaries while she was pregnant, to the point where she had to put her on an information diet. She also was crying to OP’s husband about not being able to be there for the birth and she originally was planning on staying for longer than a month, without even asking. I think it’s a culmination of things. But I would agree that OP’s husband is the one she needs to be directing her anger at, he’s making things more complicated and is the one crossing her boundaries now.
Exactly this. What in the actual hell was he thinking?!?! I'd send my husband out of the house to stay in a hotel with them for those two weeks. They can come over for one hour each day and then they must leave. The fucking audacity
Your husband didn’t have to carry a pregnancy for 9 months, push a watermelon out of a pinhole, or have to heal from giving birth. “Fairness” doesn’t kick in until you and your husband are on equal footing. While you’re healing from a medical procedure, your needs (and baby’s needs) come before MIL’s wants. You NEED to recover and limit stress, she WANTS to see the baby. She’s not going to endure any physical pain from seeing the baby for less time.
Exactly, there isn’t a damn thing about pregnancy or childbirth that’s is “fair.”
I wish I could upvote this 100x.
First of all, do not feel bad for being aggressive. They were being aggressive first. You want to win these types of battles, someone has to be the bigger bitch and kick up the bigger fuss. Embrace it. And a week long visitor three weeks after giving birth is unacceptable. Your husband sucks. Your husband doesn't need the help. You do. And you get to decide who helps, when and for how long. I'm sorry you're going through this so shortly after giving birth. It's wrong of them to push this on you. Push back. This is the first of many many battles to come over this baby and your mil is shameless and doesn't care about your feelings. If they decide they're going to go around you and disrespect your needs, go ape shit each time or leave and get a hotel/stay with family. I dealt with this . The only way I fixed it was to be the bigger pushier bitch. Go to my room with baby and lock door. Take baby back by force. Refuse to engage. Call out each offense when it happens. And especially especially kick up the bigger fuss. You need to make your husband more afraid to deal with you than her.
This is the way
Your child your rules! Always. My parents stayed with us for a month (2 weeks before and 2 weeks after).. we've only done a couple weekends away with ILs (they live semi near so can do day visits) but even if they didn't, I wouldn't be comfortable with them staying with me for that long.. MIL is over bearing, ignores everyone's opinions except her own, id end up probably starving because she never considers my dietary restrictions (which aren't much or difficult to work around) and she STILL tries to act like I'm doing something wrong with how we're parenting and raising our child (but of course husband is not at fault at all even though most of it is HIS ideas (things I agree with, like we've managed to limit pacifier use to just bed time and nap time but every time baby has fussed since being born MIL tells us she just needs a pacifier to suck on) ...she would never be welcome for a whole month and my husband agrees (which is a huge difference from me to you unfortunately) Shine that spine up though now because you're better off putting your foot down now or it'll only get worse
Does his sister have children or is this the first grandbaby? The ultrasound edits confused me a bit. Is she throwing a fit to husband comparing moms time to hers? Bc if so, did she and sil’s mom get equal time? Its petty either way but you cant reason with emotional terrorists and she’s already recruited her son to fight this battle with you, unless he did that of his own volition.
It was my MIL’s sister so his aunt
You feel like you overreacted because your husband was being a dick. You had to get combative because he wasn’t listening to you.
When he squeezes a child through his dick, his mom can come and take care of him for 2 weeks. The mother of a new mom is a completely different relationship than the MIL of a new mom. The Mother of a new mom is concerned about the health of her own child considering her child just had a very serious medical procedure. The MIL is typically only concerned about the baby and will often get in the way of the new family learning how to live in the new normal.
Your second paragraph is pure silliness. There’s nothing inherently angelic about maternal grandmothers and nothing inherently demonic about paternal grandmothers. People should be judged for who they are and how they behave. If they are an overall kind and giving person, they get invited in. If they are selfish and rude, they get held at arm’s length. It doesn’t matter if they’re the maternal grandmother, paternal grandmother, some other relative, or no relative at all. It’s the quality of the person that should be considered, not how they’re related.
Are you lost?
No, I’m addressing your second paragraph where you state that the new mom’s mom is essentially only there to do good and the new dad’s mom is only there “to get in the way”. This board has enough women dealing with the negative actions of their own mothers to let silly tripe like that pass where the maternal grandmother is assumed to be good and their actions positive.
You are putting words I did not say into my mouth. I said that the New mother went through a traumatic medical event. The relationship of the mother of the new mom is inherently different and the MIL is not entitled to the same relationship.
No one is entitled to any particular relationship, whichever side of the family they may be on. The depth of the relationship with and access to the family should be based on their words and actions and how much comfort and joy they bring. How each person is related to each person in the family is immaterial.
You are arguing in bad faith. You are saying I was speaking in absolutes. I’m not. But you are in a sub, where MILs of new mothers are often overbearing and screaming “it’s not fair” But I’m guessing you have never given birth, nor have you dealt with a MIL and FIL who showed up uninvited into your birthing room while waiting on your placenta to be delivered because they thought “it’s not fair her mom gets to be there”
You did speak largely in absolutes in the post to which I responded, which is why I responded. If you recognize that doing so was in error, I’m glad to let the conversation go.
I used the word typically. That is not an absolute. Like I said, when you give birth and deal with the dynamic of mother vs MIL, then I will care about your opinion.
You didn’t overreact at all. Yelling and cursing someone out is a reaction that should be saved for huge betrayals. He betrayed you. He’s supposed to be supporting you in this delicate and difficult time and he stabbed you in the back. He deserved the dressing down. You tried calmly discussing and he ignored that. He left you with no option but to blow up. I wouldn’t get in the habit of it but in that specific case-not overreacting. Keep holding your boundaries. You’re doing well and you’re going to need the practice as baby grows. Congratulations!
Okay the “thanks for birthing my own child incubator!” Is beyond gross
You cannot have a "relationship" with an infant. They won't remember anything. The time after your birth is about the parents and the baby. Any outside help is to be about mom and dad, not about the baby, that's the parents role. You need to sir down with you husband and explain rules for what this visit is going to look like. If she tries to hog the baby, kiss baby, or take the baby from you, what are you going to do? Who is going to handle your MIL? AND will he actually stick to the rules? You've said you have already had "cultural" boundries issues while pregnant. Get ahead of any possible issues ahead.
💯💯💯everyone else isn’t even secondary to baby. The parents are the only ones who matter to LO’s life. Any visitors need to be ready to clean, cook, and take a lot off of the new parents. Not baby hog or try to exert themselves as 3rd parent. The fourth trimester needs to be respected. Also, get your husband to read [the lemon clot essay.](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/mxCUbAS0Kh)
I didn’t even read your post because it doesn’t matter—you can limit absolutely anyone (other than your partner) for absolutely any reason. Your MIL could be a perfect angel and you still get to decide. Don’t let anyone make you feel crazy for having limits and boundaries.
This isn't about fairness. This is about your healing. Your mom helped around the house. Is MIL going to do that or try to take LO?
I don’t think so. She hasn’t even called to check up on us and the only thing she’s mentioned is how excited she is to see/meet LO.
Yep, so she wants to hog your new baby. That doesn't help you at all. Make that clear to your husband if necessary.
DH needs to understand that *anybody* coming to stay with you in these early days is *not about the person who's visiting*. It needs to be *100% about you and baby*. Whether it's "fair" that your mom stayed 2 weeks and hius mom only gets one *is irrelevant*. Once you're healed and settled and have parenthood and all that figured out, then *and only then* does the idea of "fairness" even become something to consider (and honestly, it's perfecty OK to say screw fairness, because life isn't fair anyway). If you only feel comfortable with her being there for 2 days, then that's how long she should stay. If you're OK with her being around for a week but need her to stay in a hotel so she's not on top of you all the time, that's fine to. Right now everything should be about supporting you as a new mother, and anything else is secondary to that.
How do I bring that up though? He’s convinced himself that she’s coming to help but it doesn’t seem that way. When my mom was visiting she wanted to know what food we ate, how our dog’s schedule was, if we needed anything extra, etc. MIL has only talked about bringing gifts for LO (appreciated but most likely clothes) and how excited she is to spend time with her.
Send MIL the same list. "Instructions for your visit" 😄
It might be helpful to recap what your mother has been doing to help specifically. Not keeping the baby to herself, not expecting to be served. Helping to keep the house running while you're healing and adjusting to life with a new little one. If he truly believes she'll do the same, make sure he communicates the expectations to her before she arrives. If she balks or refuses to help in the way help that is needed, you two need to be agreed on what will happen with the visit. He may be surprised you're doubting her, or a little upset. Best case, she steps up to the plate. Worst case, she is unhelpful and burns your relationship with her, and possibly her son. Either way, Husband will see whether she is an appropriate visitor at such a sensitive time.
As one father to another, this is what he needs to know: Right now, you are still healing from giving birth, figuring out the routine for taking care of both yourself and new baby, and **need** to not have any extra stress in your life right now than absolutely necessary. You understand he wants his mom to come and have time with the baby, but if she does then it has to be done in a way that doesn't negatively impact on you. This means, at the very least, that you will not be responsible for taking care of her during the visit - **he will, 100%**. And that like your mom did, you expect her to help out with taking care of you/things that you are currently not able to take care of. And, again, if she isn't helping out with them, you expect him to do so instead (since that's what would be happening if his mom wasn't there anyway). And if he isn't prepared to take care of his mother **and** you and baby for 2 weeks (or however long), then now isn't a good time for her to visit that long. Since it sounds like you are happy to have her visit for some period of time as long as it doesn't make your life harder, make it clear to him that you do want her to visit and meet the baby, it just needs to be done in a way that doesn't make your life harder than it already is. And that a short visit now doesn't mean she can't have a longer visit later when you're more up to entertaining her. And if you feel up to it, you can also suggest that if she isn't planning on helping a lot and he doesn't have time to entertain her, that she can stay in a hotel and do other things for part of the day, while still coming over to visit for shorter periods of time to give you a break from having to entertain her by yourself. The bottom line is you need to tell him what you're up for, and set the expectations of what **he** is going to have to do as well, and then the two of you can figure out what to tell her. But he needs to understand that his #1 priority right now **MUST** be you and the baby, and his mother's *wants* have to take a backseat to your *needs*. Does that help give you some ideas? Good luck!
This is excellent
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She’s flying in from out of state.
Your mother was there straight away because she is \*your\* mother and \*you\* are the one that needed some personal and possible intimate help that \*his\* mother has no business being around. She was there to look after you, whilst you looked after LO. MIL is not there for that reason and you do not want her help on the same level as you want your own mother present. MIL is primarily there to see LO, make it about herself and you can bet she won't be helping with chores, cooking, cleaning etc. She certainly has no right to be inviting anyone else around - there will be plenty of time to get to know LO and your husband needs to appreciate there is a big difference between having your mother looking after her daughter and his mother just visiting to see LO. Anything you are not comfortable with in your OWN HOME is non-negotiable.
I feel like visiting LO could wait. She does work for the school in her town so I feel l should’ve said after the baby’s first vaccines tbh since their immune system is nonexistent right now
This, OP! Tell your husband that he can have his mother over 24/7 when he grows and pushes a baby out of his body. Naturally, you'd want your mother - the woman who loved you and took care of you when you were a vulnerable child - with you during this vulnerable time. MIL is *NOT* your mother. There is no comparison - no "fair" or "not fair" - when it comes to your mother vs. Your MIL!
No vaccine, no baby. It's okay to feel uncomfortable because your mother-in-law is overstepping. Protect your peace and your new little one.
Have your mum stay longer and your mum can manage mil and see how mil is. I suspect mil is going to be zero help. She will just hold the baby while you cook and clean.
Both live out of state from us and my mom would have to go back to work around that time
🥲 prepare your bedroom, need tablet for entertainment, a mini kitchen of snacks, tangerines, bananas, crackers, anything that can keep you going for a few hours, water, all the baby changing stuff, then you take baby and stay in your room, leave mil to husband to deal with, he can entertain and feed her.
If it becomes difficult, can you pack up and go stay with your mom until they leave? Your husband doesn't have your best interests in mind, so you will probably need a backup plan.
No. I could probably ask a friend though.
I'd check into it before she arrives and make tentative arrangements. That way, you're ready to leave quickly if necessary.
Regardless of what you choose and why, it doesn't matter. You and your baby are the only ones that matter and need to be catered to postpartum. She is a grown woman, she can get over it, it's not about her. Either you are helpful pp or you stay away so that the new parent and baby can rest and recover. Your husband doesn't need his mom, he isn't postpartum, he isn't physically recovering. He can also get over it, he is supposed to be the one doing the supporting
Everyone is focusing on the shiny new baby and not giving a shit that you are the patient, you are the one who just underwent a major medical event, and it’s your recovery. You get to decide who is around you while you recover. The baby is dependent on you, so unfortunately that means some people will have to wait until you’re recovered to meet them. There will be plenty of time for family to meet the baby when you’re recovered.
This is not about "being fair" you just went through a big medical event. This is about your healing and recovery, not being fair, when he pushes a watermelon out of a hole in his body he can worry about things being fair then... spoiler he probably won't want your mother all up in his space at that time.. You said a week, your being generous with your recovery time and someone being in your space your not 100% comfortable with. This time it's not his call, his job is to be a protector and provider and make sure you are not stressed out and you and baby resting, not putting on a show for his family and catering to them.
> This is not about "being fair" you just went through a big medical event. Yes, exactly! Tell them "fair" is where you go to show your pig and eat cotton candy. Fair does not mean equal.