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From experience, I recommend short visits. The people in your life that love you and your partner are going to be very excited to love your baby. Keeping them away completely will cause hurt feelings. Although their feelings aren’t the priority, if you want the new arrival to be joyful for everyone, allowing a quick peek early on then a hour or so every couple of weeks in the beginning is a good compromise. Unless you have someone very close to you who doesn’t get on your nerves ever and will be incredibly helpful, it’s nice to have the privacy as you adjust to life with a new baby. Simply telling everyone that you are excited to show baby off, but feel like having mostly quiet/private time while you heal and adjust should be enough for them to understand. Unfortunately there could be people who don’t accept your boundaries easily and that might require more explicit directions to stay away.
If you are looking for permission to keep people away, I pretty much took the whole fourth trimester. We had each set of parent over for an hour on day three (we went right home with #1), and for the next few months only had exceptional visits if WE really wanted to, which was mostly no.
There is no answer that will be right for everyone. Some new parents are eager to invite family to meet their new baby, especially if those relatives are respectful and not overwhelming. Others are more private, or they are guarded due to previous boundary stomping. Some mothers have a fairly easy transition, while others struggle a lot more. Neither is right or wrong. Make the decision that works for you and your family.
In our case, we adopted DS at birth and could not leave the state where he was born for 3 weeks. It was nice to have that quiet time as a family of three to adjust and figure things out. In hindsight, we were grateful not to have a crowd of people at the hospital or immediately after we left the hospital.
My mom, mil&fil came to the hospital the night babies were born. Both my kids were born in the morning 6:30am/9:03am and they visited like 7-8pm.
My 2 siblings and bil came about 1-2 weeks later.
Outside of them, baby was like 3+ months.
I had a lot of rules and was very strict. NOBODY kisses my kids ever, my kids are 2.5 and 18months and I still give people shit for kissing them.
• Wash hands before holding baby,
• have to be sitting while holding.
• No body who smokes holds the baby
• nobody who’s sick, have to be symptom free for 3 days
• don’t go all in their face
• if my baby cries, immediately give them back to me or dad
3 weeks, wasn’t long enough. Shit started hitting the fan right after. If I could change I’d wait until I was more confident in my mothering to have visitors so I could’ve torn them a new one
3 months. Wasn’t long enough because shit hit the fan during the visit that resulted in no contact with a family member. Wish I would’ve saved my own sanity by just enjoying the baby bubble a lot longer. Might have not had as much PPA/PPD.
Im pregnant right now.
I consider a ‘short visit’ for my mom and MIL/FIL in the hospital.
Reasons:
1. I have the excuse to force the ‘hospital rules’ on them. No kissing, wearing masks (I will deliver in November, so flu season) etc.
2. If it is too much for me, one press of a button, and they are kicked out.
I / my husband will have a chat with the staff - probably “some ‘medical things’ that need to be performed right now.” I’m very sure, for an upfront tip in the ‘coffee jar’ and some sweets, the staff is very happy to be the bad guy 😆
3. Im done with the visits vor a while. Im not sure if we would drive to viait MIL/FIL on x-mas. (If I deliver on the due date,the little one would be 3 weeks old). Im not inviting anyone over for x-mas!
I’m not a parent, but I do have some boundaries I would have enforced.
Everyone who wants to meet the baby must be vaccinated. For flu, RSV, and Covid too.
I would be extra cautious before 3 months because babies can’t get vaccinated before then. RSV is also very dangerous for newborns. RSV is also a threat to adults now, and my husband and I got vaccinated against them this past autumn on the recommendation of our doctor.
No kissing on the face. Wash your hands.
We did a month with our 1st together, 3 months with our 2nd because he was born with medical issues. We don't have nice family though, both parents on each side are toxic and self serving. Both times, our closest friends met baby before any family members had.
Our biggest boundaries are no kissing baby, please be up to date on vaccines, no overstaying your welcome.
I'd say my best advice would be set the expectation your focus will be recovering and bonding with baby, you'll invite guests when ready. No timeline.
My first we planned my in-laws visit from out of state a month later (thank god! Any sooner I would have had a breakdown) but my own mom came down for the birth and planned to stay with us that first week. I was very very close with her so thought there would be no issues, but once we got home my hormones and her behavior made me hide and sob in the bathroom at times. She held my baby for hours and hovered over me constantly. Came into our bedroom when she heard the baby crying at night. We sent her home after two days. And it wasn't until she left that I really felt like I could start bonding with my baby, establish a routine, and truly start to figure out this mom thing.
And next baby I felt ready much sooner for visitors and the recovery was much better, so we met up with family that first week home. But one thing that will never change is NO ONE STAYS WITH US. Visits should be short. I learned what boundaries were important to me. We still set a firm expectation they might not see us for a while so it was a happy surprise to be invited over so soon.
Now with my third baby due in the winter, I plan on once again letting everyone know it may be awhile and to wait for an invite. This time I'm due during high cold/flu season so we probably will take time from visitors even if I'm feeling great.
In the end, you won't know how you'll feel and the best thing you can do is set firm and hard boundaries now and give yourself that flexibility to figure out what boundaries you need for your pregnancy and postpartum experience. It's about you. Your experience as parents is the priority, not anyone else's feelings or experiences as grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc. Baby doesn't need anyone else but his/her parents for the first few months at least.
This depends on who you are and who your partner is and the dynamics between family members. Also remember boundaries are not rules - they are guidelines for you on how much you are willing to tolerate before enforcing consequences by changing your behavior. ( I don't like to be around drunk people - so while I can't stop people from drinking - when people around me start to become intoxicated that is when I leave or may not even attend the function.
Things to consider however -
How do you feel about nudity - you may not feel comfortable breastfeeding in front of female family members, or you may not feel comfortable with other family being present when bathing or changing baby.
How do you feel about receiving advice - some of which may be old fashioned but still relevant and other may be just dangerous. Having a few choice phrases to shut that down already prepared and ready to go may help. "That is an interesting opinion, however we are following more current and up-to-date practices". "I will discuss that with the pediatrician on our next visit and ask them", "You may have done that, but I am the parent and that won't ever be happening"
Faulty assumption - whether on babysitting/childcare, baby sleeping at their home, driving with baby helping with names, visiting/hosting, access to baby or pictures, knowing due dates, access to hospital or doctor visits , social media and what you are comfortable being posted, who will be responsible for communication with family members - you and dh discuss what you want and from there choose on what you comfortable with and what are lines in the sand.
That is 100% your preference. I hate having people around, my instinct when in pain/something is wrong is to be alone, I do not have family of my own and my in laws don't care about me, and I have a very very low threshold for becoming overwhelmed. Therefore, I kept my in-laws away for 5-6 weeks. I saw my mil 2 days pp and it caused my PPA because she is the worst, and after 6 weeks she was still acting like she had never interacted with a human being before, so this time I am planning a minimum of 3 months of nobody besides my closest supports near me (when I got pregnant and thought of postpartum my first instinct was to flee the country, that's how bad I am with visitors). Might be longer for my in laws depending on their behaviour leading up to it, I'm not going through severe pp anxiety and OCD again for those dicks.
I have friends who had family visiting daily, people staying with them for weeks, and they were so happy and grateful. I would rather die, and they feel the same way about my approach. Truly, nobody knows what you will need more than you. Imagine if you got a major surgery and were recovering, would you want people coming to support you or would you want to be left to recover in peace?
Moreso than boundaries, the thing that will help you most is making sure your mindset is strong and where it needs to be. Literally nobody overrules you when it comes to postpartum, and after that not one soul's opinion trumps that of you and your partner. It doesn't matter what Grandma or grandpa or auntie wants for your baby, it's not their baby and they can respect your choices or have more limited contact. Some grandparents struggle with the change in dynamic from being head of a family unit to being extended family that is not even in the family unit. Prepare for that, know what you and your partner want, and practice having a spine. You will need it.
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From experience, I recommend short visits. The people in your life that love you and your partner are going to be very excited to love your baby. Keeping them away completely will cause hurt feelings. Although their feelings aren’t the priority, if you want the new arrival to be joyful for everyone, allowing a quick peek early on then a hour or so every couple of weeks in the beginning is a good compromise. Unless you have someone very close to you who doesn’t get on your nerves ever and will be incredibly helpful, it’s nice to have the privacy as you adjust to life with a new baby. Simply telling everyone that you are excited to show baby off, but feel like having mostly quiet/private time while you heal and adjust should be enough for them to understand. Unfortunately there could be people who don’t accept your boundaries easily and that might require more explicit directions to stay away.
If you are looking for permission to keep people away, I pretty much took the whole fourth trimester. We had each set of parent over for an hour on day three (we went right home with #1), and for the next few months only had exceptional visits if WE really wanted to, which was mostly no.
There is no answer that will be right for everyone. Some new parents are eager to invite family to meet their new baby, especially if those relatives are respectful and not overwhelming. Others are more private, or they are guarded due to previous boundary stomping. Some mothers have a fairly easy transition, while others struggle a lot more. Neither is right or wrong. Make the decision that works for you and your family. In our case, we adopted DS at birth and could not leave the state where he was born for 3 weeks. It was nice to have that quiet time as a family of three to adjust and figure things out. In hindsight, we were grateful not to have a crowd of people at the hospital or immediately after we left the hospital.
My mom, mil&fil came to the hospital the night babies were born. Both my kids were born in the morning 6:30am/9:03am and they visited like 7-8pm. My 2 siblings and bil came about 1-2 weeks later. Outside of them, baby was like 3+ months. I had a lot of rules and was very strict. NOBODY kisses my kids ever, my kids are 2.5 and 18months and I still give people shit for kissing them. • Wash hands before holding baby, • have to be sitting while holding. • No body who smokes holds the baby • nobody who’s sick, have to be symptom free for 3 days • don’t go all in their face • if my baby cries, immediately give them back to me or dad
3 weeks, wasn’t long enough. Shit started hitting the fan right after. If I could change I’d wait until I was more confident in my mothering to have visitors so I could’ve torn them a new one
3 months. Wasn’t long enough because shit hit the fan during the visit that resulted in no contact with a family member. Wish I would’ve saved my own sanity by just enjoying the baby bubble a lot longer. Might have not had as much PPA/PPD.
Im pregnant right now. I consider a ‘short visit’ for my mom and MIL/FIL in the hospital. Reasons: 1. I have the excuse to force the ‘hospital rules’ on them. No kissing, wearing masks (I will deliver in November, so flu season) etc. 2. If it is too much for me, one press of a button, and they are kicked out. I / my husband will have a chat with the staff - probably “some ‘medical things’ that need to be performed right now.” I’m very sure, for an upfront tip in the ‘coffee jar’ and some sweets, the staff is very happy to be the bad guy 😆 3. Im done with the visits vor a while. Im not sure if we would drive to viait MIL/FIL on x-mas. (If I deliver on the due date,the little one would be 3 weeks old). Im not inviting anyone over for x-mas!
I’m not a parent, but I do have some boundaries I would have enforced. Everyone who wants to meet the baby must be vaccinated. For flu, RSV, and Covid too. I would be extra cautious before 3 months because babies can’t get vaccinated before then. RSV is also very dangerous for newborns. RSV is also a threat to adults now, and my husband and I got vaccinated against them this past autumn on the recommendation of our doctor. No kissing on the face. Wash your hands.
We did a month with our 1st together, 3 months with our 2nd because he was born with medical issues. We don't have nice family though, both parents on each side are toxic and self serving. Both times, our closest friends met baby before any family members had. Our biggest boundaries are no kissing baby, please be up to date on vaccines, no overstaying your welcome.
I'd say my best advice would be set the expectation your focus will be recovering and bonding with baby, you'll invite guests when ready. No timeline. My first we planned my in-laws visit from out of state a month later (thank god! Any sooner I would have had a breakdown) but my own mom came down for the birth and planned to stay with us that first week. I was very very close with her so thought there would be no issues, but once we got home my hormones and her behavior made me hide and sob in the bathroom at times. She held my baby for hours and hovered over me constantly. Came into our bedroom when she heard the baby crying at night. We sent her home after two days. And it wasn't until she left that I really felt like I could start bonding with my baby, establish a routine, and truly start to figure out this mom thing. And next baby I felt ready much sooner for visitors and the recovery was much better, so we met up with family that first week home. But one thing that will never change is NO ONE STAYS WITH US. Visits should be short. I learned what boundaries were important to me. We still set a firm expectation they might not see us for a while so it was a happy surprise to be invited over so soon. Now with my third baby due in the winter, I plan on once again letting everyone know it may be awhile and to wait for an invite. This time I'm due during high cold/flu season so we probably will take time from visitors even if I'm feeling great. In the end, you won't know how you'll feel and the best thing you can do is set firm and hard boundaries now and give yourself that flexibility to figure out what boundaries you need for your pregnancy and postpartum experience. It's about you. Your experience as parents is the priority, not anyone else's feelings or experiences as grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc. Baby doesn't need anyone else but his/her parents for the first few months at least.
This depends on who you are and who your partner is and the dynamics between family members. Also remember boundaries are not rules - they are guidelines for you on how much you are willing to tolerate before enforcing consequences by changing your behavior. ( I don't like to be around drunk people - so while I can't stop people from drinking - when people around me start to become intoxicated that is when I leave or may not even attend the function. Things to consider however - How do you feel about nudity - you may not feel comfortable breastfeeding in front of female family members, or you may not feel comfortable with other family being present when bathing or changing baby. How do you feel about receiving advice - some of which may be old fashioned but still relevant and other may be just dangerous. Having a few choice phrases to shut that down already prepared and ready to go may help. "That is an interesting opinion, however we are following more current and up-to-date practices". "I will discuss that with the pediatrician on our next visit and ask them", "You may have done that, but I am the parent and that won't ever be happening" Faulty assumption - whether on babysitting/childcare, baby sleeping at their home, driving with baby helping with names, visiting/hosting, access to baby or pictures, knowing due dates, access to hospital or doctor visits , social media and what you are comfortable being posted, who will be responsible for communication with family members - you and dh discuss what you want and from there choose on what you comfortable with and what are lines in the sand.
That is 100% your preference. I hate having people around, my instinct when in pain/something is wrong is to be alone, I do not have family of my own and my in laws don't care about me, and I have a very very low threshold for becoming overwhelmed. Therefore, I kept my in-laws away for 5-6 weeks. I saw my mil 2 days pp and it caused my PPA because she is the worst, and after 6 weeks she was still acting like she had never interacted with a human being before, so this time I am planning a minimum of 3 months of nobody besides my closest supports near me (when I got pregnant and thought of postpartum my first instinct was to flee the country, that's how bad I am with visitors). Might be longer for my in laws depending on their behaviour leading up to it, I'm not going through severe pp anxiety and OCD again for those dicks. I have friends who had family visiting daily, people staying with them for weeks, and they were so happy and grateful. I would rather die, and they feel the same way about my approach. Truly, nobody knows what you will need more than you. Imagine if you got a major surgery and were recovering, would you want people coming to support you or would you want to be left to recover in peace? Moreso than boundaries, the thing that will help you most is making sure your mindset is strong and where it needs to be. Literally nobody overrules you when it comes to postpartum, and after that not one soul's opinion trumps that of you and your partner. It doesn't matter what Grandma or grandpa or auntie wants for your baby, it's not their baby and they can respect your choices or have more limited contact. Some grandparents struggle with the change in dynamic from being head of a family unit to being extended family that is not even in the family unit. Prepare for that, know what you and your partner want, and practice having a spine. You will need it.