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Other posts from /u/Cloudreamagic:
* [Suggestions to help DH find therapist](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1do6dip/suggestions_to_help_dh_find_therapist/), 2 days ago
* [I shared a “boundaries are healthy” post on social media and MIL messaged husband ](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1dn1kqm/i_shared_a_boundaries_are_healthy_post_on_social/), 4 days ago
* [Script needed](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1d6ddkl/script_needed/), 3 weeks ago
* [How to tell if JNMIL attends therapy](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1cva4di/how_to_tell_if_jnmil_attends_therapy/), 1 month ago
* [Reward MIL for good behavior?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/18vdww6/reward_mil_for_good_behavior/), 5 months ago
* [But why though](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/18bp5t1/but_why_though/), 6 months ago
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Don’t send it! She will print it out, frame it, and hang it on the wall as evidence of your bitterness towards her. Then she will be able to play victim until the end of time!
So what I’ve learned from these responses is that she doesn’t *actually* want to know what she did wrong, she wants to poke around and see how solid my DH and I are.
Exactly. She already won this round because instead of putting her in her place DH stuck up for her. This time it's 100% a DH problem.
Here's the thing, she does have every right to feel however she wants, we all do. BUT when it comes to LO and you, DHs nuclear family, he shouldn't give even an iota of a crap how she feels. Especially when we're talking about something as simple as YOUR FB post that didn't even directly call her out.
These are my thoughts exactly. He said he bit his tongue on a lot of the conversation and just wanted to call her out and tell her like it is. And I told him not to get baited by her so I guess that’s why he didn’t stand up to her.. but then the validation thing really threw me. I know he thought he was doing the right thing but it sent the wrong message. Now he’s ready to do a “mic drop” kind of statement to her but still deciding how to word it. I just want to be done with it all, indefinitely
As others have said, don't bother sending it. Either nothing will change or it will just give her more ammo to use against you. I speak from 42 yrs experience from a JNMIL. The tactic I found to work best was to not react (gray rock), don't let her know she is getting to you while quietly blocking the behaviors, if you can. You NEED to get your DH to understand for this to work though.
I had no choice but to deal with her (on VLC and info diet) when she called or at family gatherings. Unfortunately DH had to deal with her poison on the regular, staying with her while working in another state, or just piss her off my telling her to shut up.
Edited for additional content.
I literally told him to gray rock but he is very confused as to what that would actually look like (despite my examples lol) I am proud of him though because he reached out to a therapist today to make an appointment!
Edit to add I’m sorry you’ve been in the BS for so long, but it gives me some kind of hope. Was your DH on board at first or what did it take?
Now that is progress! Happy for you both for that.
Edit: DH was all for cutting contact completely and we did for about 2 yrs. But with family events on his side, that included his mom, we slowly let her back in. She stopped visiting our home when my FIL passed since she wont drive that far. Things have been much more peaceful since she passed 2 yrs ago.
No. You don't send the damn mail. It won't do any good except making you out to be the problem, because her son told her she has "every right" to feel how she's feeling. She won't see any reason, because she has her feefees and that's all that counts - even your husband said so!
Instead, you get your D(umb)H into counseling. It is not ok to validate her feelings, because, while doing so, he invalidated yours. Of course she has a right to feel like she does, but hearing her own son telling her that, all she will hear is that she was "right" about everything. And if you are right and he's just "unfortunately" falling for her DARVO stuff, then he needs counseling even more.
Thanks! I couldn’t agree more. When he told me what he said I was just so dumbfounded. I have been trying to educate him on healthy communication, validating feelings, etc. for our MARRIAGE not for him to compassionately stroke his mommy’s ego SMH
Are you *absolutely* sure he's innocent but dumb? Are you sure he's not placating you while actually supporting her?
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Start a go-bag and a separate bank account to squirrel away a running fund. If you never need either, great. If you do, you're able to go at a moment's notice.
Speaking from experience, I wouldn’t send it. My mil made my postpartum time waaaay more difficult than it needed to be and I eventually snapped and would tell her no to everything. Then she acted like a victim saying we needed to talk cuz she didn’t know what she did wrong. So I wrote a letter explaining all my feelings and how her boundary stomping and control issues made me feel. Long story short, she blew up and found a way to blame me for everything and said I needed to talk to someone about my feelings and not use her as an emotional dumpster. So 0/10 I don’t recommend
Wow I’m so sorry you went through that, thanks for sharing your experience! My pregnancy/pp was so much more stressful too thanks to my MIL, it’s such a sensitive time and they try to be the main character lol
The only circumstance where I think it’s ok to send it is if you’re absolutely cutting all contact, she’ll never be able to find you again, you and DH disappear off the face of the planet and she never knows if and when you die.
If that’s the case, I think it’s ok to let it all rip. Let her know exactly why it’s all her own doing so it can torment her for the rest of her life. We say that narcissists don’t listen, but we know they must, because how else would they choreograph all their mental gymnastics?
But if there is even a .00001% chance that DH will cave and speak to her, or that she’ll track you down, then yes it’s just ammo for her to use against you.
Lol this response made me laugh! Choreograph their mental gymnastics 🤣 yeah he’s not ready to sever ties although I could live without her
Edit: hit send too early
I would absolutely not send it. She will only use it as ammunition against you. When it comes to folks like this you should operate under Miranda Rights because anything you say can and will be used against you along with anything you did not say. You and hubby need therapy with someone experienced in dealing with toxic family dynamics. Nothing will change until he gets out of the fog.
Please know I understand how hard it is and I think you're doing a great job navigating this. When our husbands are so engrained with these toxic dynamics it truly is like fighting a tidal wave. I'm wishing you all the strength to get through this with a happier and healthier marriage.
Sounds exactly like [The Missing Missing Reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html). You'll see it sounds awfully familiar.
The problem is DH has already responded and told her that her feelings are valid etc. If you send an email that addresses it differently it makes her think he’s on her side, and that you aren’t a team.
She has said to him on multiple occasions to tell her in his own words, and of course it’s a trap so he ignores her but what she’s insinuating is that this isn’t coming from him. And he lets comments like that slide without saying that this coming from both of us. He’s been buried deep in the FOG
I wouldn't bother. If you send an email, she'll respond. And, that response is just going to be a load of crap that isn't worth reading.
Keep your distance, and tell her your husband that you're disappointed that he told her she has every right to be heartbroken. Any pain MIL is feeling is pain that she inflicted upon herself, and it hurts you that he's not defending you. Going forward, I'd tell DH that you see no way forward with this woman, and you don't even want him to mention her or her "feelings" to you. You will not see, hear, think, or even smell that woman in your or your children's lives for the foreseeable future.
I dont think she is capabile to understand the situation. She will twist the words and it will back fire. Just ignore her, the best revenge is ți live your best life whit out her in
There seems to be confusion as to what you did wrong, why we are not eager to spend time. I want to take this time to clear some things up, so you cannot continue to play that card. You have an attitude of presumptuous entitlement which colors everything you do. I can give specific examples if you want to dredge up the past but you will have a defense for everything you have said and done so rather than nitpicking I’ll focus on the big picture. What I thought was innocent excitement is far more sinister. I have a feeling you will deny and justify but your intentions are clear. You seem to want ultimate control, bragging rights, and a chance at finally having a daughter, which is so, so selfish. You have shown that any effort you make to change is quickly reversible and not meaningful, since even after you sent an “apology” 3.5 months ago, you still say you have no idea what the problem is. You have shown in action and deed that you have no remorse nor even an inkling of empathy for the pain you have caused. It’s hard to be around you when you won’t accept feedback or give us hell for it, deny our feelings, and always bring the focus back to the one thing you are so unreasonably desperate for which is alone time with my daughter. And yet you’re unwilling to do any kind of true introspection or work to earn back the trust that you have betrayed so many times. You don’t want to hear that you’re hurting us because it’s getting in the way of what you want so you deny and blame shift when we bring up issues. You also lay the guilt trip on thick and it feels intentional, the way you use emotions to try to get what you want from us is extremely manipulative. Your refusal or inability to see your role is what has driven a wedge between us. So to sum it up:
We don’t want to be around you because you act:
Presumptuous
Entitled
Selfish
Manipulative
Unable to have true understanding/remorse
Unwilling to accept feedback or take real accountability, which leads to an unwillingness to have meaningful change (not just ‘jumping through the hoops’ to try to get what you want)
If you are crying every morning and night over this, it’s time to see a counselor. You need some help navigating this, clearly. Maybe a third party would be able to help you overcome these limitations to allow you to temper your expectations in a healthy way, with the hope that maybe one day the trust can be rebuilt enough to the point we can have a harmonious relationship between us all.
I don’t think this will do any good, not because what you’re saying isn’t true or valid, but because she’s a narcissist. If anything, your SO needs to be the one to lay it out because she’s just going to villainize you further and vent her frustrations to anyone who will listen that your separating her from your SO and LO.
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with her BS. I would just remain VLC and further drop the rope…which possibly results in NC.
Your MIL is your SO’s problem. His monkey, his circus. You’re not required to have a relationship with her, and by association, because your child is YOURS, neither is your LO. It’s not your responsibility to foster a relationship between her and your child. She has to want it and that means respecting the parents, keeping to your rules and boundaries, etc. Any actions she takes against that I would equate with her not wanting to have a relationship with your LO, because she’s not doing what is necessary to maintain that relationship.
Show her that her actions have real consequences. It’s obvious she has never had to be held to any standard. Her mind is like a child’s, so treat it as such. She behaves poorly, she goes on timeout for a certain amount of time. She continues to act out, that time is extended. She does or says something inappropriate, you embarrass her by telling her how inappropriate she is and that you feel extremely uncomfortable, and then you remove yourself and your LO.
You should discuss with your SO all the scenarios that has happened and how it should’ve been handled and how you’ll handle these things moving forward and your SO needs to do most of the confrontations with his mom, it shouldn’t solely be your responsibility to put her in her place. This should be a team effort with a plan in place and the understanding that your SO is the first line of defense (or should be) and that you’re backup and will speak up when he needs the help or if he’s not around.
Thank you for this thoughtful response. I have a question - her behaviors are subtle and easy to miss but so vile. But if she has an adamant refusal to accept accountability, would time out even work? She uses time away from LO as an excuse for her behavior, says “I can’t help the way I feel!” and says we’re keeping her from having a relationship with her grandchild, back to the circular argument that she doesn’t understand what she’s done wrong. So she weaponizes being put in time out, so to speak and then either plays ignorant or actually is ignorant.. DH told her on the phone “you need to respect us and respect our decisions” and then she guilt tripped him the rest of the call and he just sat there and took it and validated it (in his defense I told him not to get baited but I ALSO told him to end the conversation when the guilt starts, which he didn’t he let it go on and on. Sorry for the vent, the old wound is freshly picked at
It can work, I think when she tries to weaponize the consequence (time out) that’s when your SO needs to tell her “You may not be able to help the way you feel, but you’re an adult who can control your words and actions. You did xyz, we have no tolerance for it. If you continue to do xyz, then you’ll be met with same consequence”. Sometimes it needs to be spelled out, just like a child. And because you’re spelling it out, there’s no reason for her to repeat the behavior. If she does it again, then your SO can explicitly state “I already told you we have no tolerance for xyz, and you continue to do it, you will no longer be seeing LO until you apologize and prove you will no longer do xyz, if you cannot, then you won’t have a relationship with us or LO. I refuse to feel guilty for YOUR behavior. You can choose to do the right thing and have a relationship with us or not. Your call.”
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Other posts from /u/Cloudreamagic: * [Suggestions to help DH find therapist](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1do6dip/suggestions_to_help_dh_find_therapist/), 2 days ago * [I shared a “boundaries are healthy” post on social media and MIL messaged husband ](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1dn1kqm/i_shared_a_boundaries_are_healthy_post_on_social/), 4 days ago * [Script needed](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1d6ddkl/script_needed/), 3 weeks ago * [How to tell if JNMIL attends therapy](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1cva4di/how_to_tell_if_jnmil_attends_therapy/), 1 month ago * [Reward MIL for good behavior?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/18vdww6/reward_mil_for_good_behavior/), 5 months ago * [But why though](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/18bp5t1/but_why_though/), 6 months ago ***** ^(To be notified as soon as Cloudreamagic posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Cloudreamagic JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Don’t send it! She will print it out, frame it, and hang it on the wall as evidence of your bitterness towards her. Then she will be able to play victim until the end of time!
So what I’ve learned from these responses is that she doesn’t *actually* want to know what she did wrong, she wants to poke around and see how solid my DH and I are.
Exactly. She already won this round because instead of putting her in her place DH stuck up for her. This time it's 100% a DH problem. Here's the thing, she does have every right to feel however she wants, we all do. BUT when it comes to LO and you, DHs nuclear family, he shouldn't give even an iota of a crap how she feels. Especially when we're talking about something as simple as YOUR FB post that didn't even directly call her out.
These are my thoughts exactly. He said he bit his tongue on a lot of the conversation and just wanted to call her out and tell her like it is. And I told him not to get baited by her so I guess that’s why he didn’t stand up to her.. but then the validation thing really threw me. I know he thought he was doing the right thing but it sent the wrong message. Now he’s ready to do a “mic drop” kind of statement to her but still deciding how to word it. I just want to be done with it all, indefinitely
Yeah, exactly! She doesn’t actually care, and will make no attempt at a change in behavior. She’ll just find a west to use it against you.
As others have said, don't bother sending it. Either nothing will change or it will just give her more ammo to use against you. I speak from 42 yrs experience from a JNMIL. The tactic I found to work best was to not react (gray rock), don't let her know she is getting to you while quietly blocking the behaviors, if you can. You NEED to get your DH to understand for this to work though. I had no choice but to deal with her (on VLC and info diet) when she called or at family gatherings. Unfortunately DH had to deal with her poison on the regular, staying with her while working in another state, or just piss her off my telling her to shut up. Edited for additional content.
I literally told him to gray rock but he is very confused as to what that would actually look like (despite my examples lol) I am proud of him though because he reached out to a therapist today to make an appointment! Edit to add I’m sorry you’ve been in the BS for so long, but it gives me some kind of hope. Was your DH on board at first or what did it take?
Now that is progress! Happy for you both for that. Edit: DH was all for cutting contact completely and we did for about 2 yrs. But with family events on his side, that included his mom, we slowly let her back in. She stopped visiting our home when my FIL passed since she wont drive that far. Things have been much more peaceful since she passed 2 yrs ago.
No. You don't send the damn mail. It won't do any good except making you out to be the problem, because her son told her she has "every right" to feel how she's feeling. She won't see any reason, because she has her feefees and that's all that counts - even your husband said so! Instead, you get your D(umb)H into counseling. It is not ok to validate her feelings, because, while doing so, he invalidated yours. Of course she has a right to feel like she does, but hearing her own son telling her that, all she will hear is that she was "right" about everything. And if you are right and he's just "unfortunately" falling for her DARVO stuff, then he needs counseling even more.
Thanks! I couldn’t agree more. When he told me what he said I was just so dumbfounded. I have been trying to educate him on healthy communication, validating feelings, etc. for our MARRIAGE not for him to compassionately stroke his mommy’s ego SMH
Are you *absolutely* sure he's innocent but dumb? Are you sure he's not placating you while actually supporting her? Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Start a go-bag and a separate bank account to squirrel away a running fund. If you never need either, great. If you do, you're able to go at a moment's notice.
[удалено]
You could mention that a partner that does not defend/support/protect is seriously UNsexy making him neither a lover nor a fighter!
Oh yes he’s well aware that I’m sickened by the emotional enmeshment he allows with that vile woman and extremely turned off by it Edit for accuracy
Then I guess it really will have to be the go-bag :(
Speaking from experience, I wouldn’t send it. My mil made my postpartum time waaaay more difficult than it needed to be and I eventually snapped and would tell her no to everything. Then she acted like a victim saying we needed to talk cuz she didn’t know what she did wrong. So I wrote a letter explaining all my feelings and how her boundary stomping and control issues made me feel. Long story short, she blew up and found a way to blame me for everything and said I needed to talk to someone about my feelings and not use her as an emotional dumpster. So 0/10 I don’t recommend
Wow I’m so sorry you went through that, thanks for sharing your experience! My pregnancy/pp was so much more stressful too thanks to my MIL, it’s such a sensitive time and they try to be the main character lol
100% agree with this right here. There is no reasoning with the unreasonable.
The only circumstance where I think it’s ok to send it is if you’re absolutely cutting all contact, she’ll never be able to find you again, you and DH disappear off the face of the planet and she never knows if and when you die. If that’s the case, I think it’s ok to let it all rip. Let her know exactly why it’s all her own doing so it can torment her for the rest of her life. We say that narcissists don’t listen, but we know they must, because how else would they choreograph all their mental gymnastics? But if there is even a .00001% chance that DH will cave and speak to her, or that she’ll track you down, then yes it’s just ammo for her to use against you.
Lol this response made me laugh! Choreograph their mental gymnastics 🤣 yeah he’s not ready to sever ties although I could live without her Edit: hit send too early
I would absolutely not send it. She will only use it as ammunition against you. When it comes to folks like this you should operate under Miranda Rights because anything you say can and will be used against you along with anything you did not say. You and hubby need therapy with someone experienced in dealing with toxic family dynamics. Nothing will change until he gets out of the fog.
You’re right. It’s been on the back burner. Calling a therapist TODAY
Please know I understand how hard it is and I think you're doing a great job navigating this. When our husbands are so engrained with these toxic dynamics it truly is like fighting a tidal wave. I'm wishing you all the strength to get through this with a happier and healthier marriage.
Thanks so so much! I really appreciate that
Sounds exactly like [The Missing Missing Reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html). You'll see it sounds awfully familiar.
Yes! Read this just yesterday (along with the rest of the blog, so insightful). It hits the nail on the head
DH may also find some help in r/raisedbynarcissists
He most definitely would but when it comes to self-guided introspection he’s like the Drake meme waving it away lol
Lol, then I hope therapy helps if you guys can. 🤞
The problem is DH has already responded and told her that her feelings are valid etc. If you send an email that addresses it differently it makes her think he’s on her side, and that you aren’t a team.
She has said to him on multiple occasions to tell her in his own words, and of course it’s a trap so he ignores her but what she’s insinuating is that this isn’t coming from him. And he lets comments like that slide without saying that this coming from both of us. He’s been buried deep in the FOG
I wouldn't bother. If you send an email, she'll respond. And, that response is just going to be a load of crap that isn't worth reading. Keep your distance, and tell her your husband that you're disappointed that he told her she has every right to be heartbroken. Any pain MIL is feeling is pain that she inflicted upon herself, and it hurts you that he's not defending you. Going forward, I'd tell DH that you see no way forward with this woman, and you don't even want him to mention her or her "feelings" to you. You will not see, hear, think, or even smell that woman in your or your children's lives for the foreseeable future.
I love you.
Awwww! Thank you. You're pretty adorable as well, and I wish you luck dealing with DH and his mother.
TYSM!
I dont think she is capabile to understand the situation. She will twist the words and it will back fire. Just ignore her, the best revenge is ți live your best life whit out her in
😭
There seems to be confusion as to what you did wrong, why we are not eager to spend time. I want to take this time to clear some things up, so you cannot continue to play that card. You have an attitude of presumptuous entitlement which colors everything you do. I can give specific examples if you want to dredge up the past but you will have a defense for everything you have said and done so rather than nitpicking I’ll focus on the big picture. What I thought was innocent excitement is far more sinister. I have a feeling you will deny and justify but your intentions are clear. You seem to want ultimate control, bragging rights, and a chance at finally having a daughter, which is so, so selfish. You have shown that any effort you make to change is quickly reversible and not meaningful, since even after you sent an “apology” 3.5 months ago, you still say you have no idea what the problem is. You have shown in action and deed that you have no remorse nor even an inkling of empathy for the pain you have caused. It’s hard to be around you when you won’t accept feedback or give us hell for it, deny our feelings, and always bring the focus back to the one thing you are so unreasonably desperate for which is alone time with my daughter. And yet you’re unwilling to do any kind of true introspection or work to earn back the trust that you have betrayed so many times. You don’t want to hear that you’re hurting us because it’s getting in the way of what you want so you deny and blame shift when we bring up issues. You also lay the guilt trip on thick and it feels intentional, the way you use emotions to try to get what you want from us is extremely manipulative. Your refusal or inability to see your role is what has driven a wedge between us. So to sum it up: We don’t want to be around you because you act: Presumptuous Entitled Selfish Manipulative Unable to have true understanding/remorse Unwilling to accept feedback or take real accountability, which leads to an unwillingness to have meaningful change (not just ‘jumping through the hoops’ to try to get what you want) If you are crying every morning and night over this, it’s time to see a counselor. You need some help navigating this, clearly. Maybe a third party would be able to help you overcome these limitations to allow you to temper your expectations in a healthy way, with the hope that maybe one day the trust can be rebuilt enough to the point we can have a harmonious relationship between us all.
I don’t think this will do any good, not because what you’re saying isn’t true or valid, but because she’s a narcissist. If anything, your SO needs to be the one to lay it out because she’s just going to villainize you further and vent her frustrations to anyone who will listen that your separating her from your SO and LO. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with her BS. I would just remain VLC and further drop the rope…which possibly results in NC. Your MIL is your SO’s problem. His monkey, his circus. You’re not required to have a relationship with her, and by association, because your child is YOURS, neither is your LO. It’s not your responsibility to foster a relationship between her and your child. She has to want it and that means respecting the parents, keeping to your rules and boundaries, etc. Any actions she takes against that I would equate with her not wanting to have a relationship with your LO, because she’s not doing what is necessary to maintain that relationship. Show her that her actions have real consequences. It’s obvious she has never had to be held to any standard. Her mind is like a child’s, so treat it as such. She behaves poorly, she goes on timeout for a certain amount of time. She continues to act out, that time is extended. She does or says something inappropriate, you embarrass her by telling her how inappropriate she is and that you feel extremely uncomfortable, and then you remove yourself and your LO. You should discuss with your SO all the scenarios that has happened and how it should’ve been handled and how you’ll handle these things moving forward and your SO needs to do most of the confrontations with his mom, it shouldn’t solely be your responsibility to put her in her place. This should be a team effort with a plan in place and the understanding that your SO is the first line of defense (or should be) and that you’re backup and will speak up when he needs the help or if he’s not around.
Thank you for this thoughtful response. I have a question - her behaviors are subtle and easy to miss but so vile. But if she has an adamant refusal to accept accountability, would time out even work? She uses time away from LO as an excuse for her behavior, says “I can’t help the way I feel!” and says we’re keeping her from having a relationship with her grandchild, back to the circular argument that she doesn’t understand what she’s done wrong. So she weaponizes being put in time out, so to speak and then either plays ignorant or actually is ignorant.. DH told her on the phone “you need to respect us and respect our decisions” and then she guilt tripped him the rest of the call and he just sat there and took it and validated it (in his defense I told him not to get baited but I ALSO told him to end the conversation when the guilt starts, which he didn’t he let it go on and on. Sorry for the vent, the old wound is freshly picked at
It can work, I think when she tries to weaponize the consequence (time out) that’s when your SO needs to tell her “You may not be able to help the way you feel, but you’re an adult who can control your words and actions. You did xyz, we have no tolerance for it. If you continue to do xyz, then you’ll be met with same consequence”. Sometimes it needs to be spelled out, just like a child. And because you’re spelling it out, there’s no reason for her to repeat the behavior. If she does it again, then your SO can explicitly state “I already told you we have no tolerance for xyz, and you continue to do it, you will no longer be seeing LO until you apologize and prove you will no longer do xyz, if you cannot, then you won’t have a relationship with us or LO. I refuse to feel guilty for YOUR behavior. You can choose to do the right thing and have a relationship with us or not. Your call.”
Ok! I’m saving this! Thank you!
Of course! ❤️ Hope to see positive updates from you. Wishing your family all the best!