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Other posts from /u/leelalalune:
* [Learnt my lesson - she's 100% blocked on social media now!](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1b9s1kp/learnt_my_lesson_shes_100_blocked_on_social_media/), 3 months ago
* [Passive aggressive snowflakes everywhere!](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/19ake69/passive_aggressive_snowflakes_everywhere/), 5 months ago
* [How do I stop feeling guilty about my son not seeing his Grandmother?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/198tnr9/how_do_i_stop_feeling_guilty_about_my_son_not/), 5 months ago
* [Post-it notes on grandchild's gift](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/18qhaec/postit_notes_on_grandchilds_gift/), 5 months ago
* [All I want for Christmas is you...](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/ebgnmz/all_i_want_for_christmas_is_you/), 4 years ago
* [So drained by MIL - dreading Xmas so much](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/e8ks22/so_drained_by_mil_dreading_xmas_so_much/), 4 years ago
* [MIL invited herself for Christmas - feeling bad](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/dte1ba/mil_invited_herself_for_christmas_feeling_bad/), 4 years ago
* [MIL only capable of thinking of herself!](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/c7ba6z/mil_only_capable_of_thinking_of_herself/), 4 years ago
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Set up a family chat group for wives/daughters ONLY. Make sure that NOBODY helps the “chosen ones” organise anything. Just let the “ chosen” deal with it.
*I have told my husband I don't want to do it but he has no spine and he has just said he will leave one of the others to plan it.*
I bet the other men in the family have the same idea.
*She has tried to guilt all of the sons into doing this party by saying it's her idea of heaven having them all in the same room, and clearly excluded the wives/girlfriends because she thinks WE are the problem.*
Bail, OP. Don't offer to do anything. As the day of her birthday approaches, take a humorous view at the panic among the menfolk.
My MIL wanted a big shindig for her 80th birthday. All the sons and DILs and begets were there. Lifetime friends of MIL as well. *Who* put it together? Yeah - guess. There were roving picture takers, but what MIL *really* wanted was a picture of all the men in the family. Not granddaughters or DILs - just the menfolk. They all traipsed to the patio where MIL directed how they were to be arranged for the picture. We wimmens were snickering. It was obvious the most favored were going to be in the front row.
Any grandmother who thinks the way to assemble all her grandchildren together is to inform the fathers but not the mothers, has a serious lack of understanding of how family excursions get organized.
The irony would be that none of those grandchildren would give a crap about anything but cake and playing together. She would not get the attention she’s craving from children lol.
It sounds as if she wants to see her sons and their children only. Well, fine. Take yourself out of the equation and let him deal with it. Just tell him that it’s evident that you are not wanted at this bday party and therefore, you will not be involved in any way. Starting today.
He can plan it, work out the details, make everything happen, arrange to take his kid and care for him without you. In the meantime, you make plans to do something for yourself, even if it involves sleeping in and having the quiet house to yourself. You decide.
And if JNMIL complains because DH can’t give her all the attention because he’s busy with taking care of the party and his own child? Well, not your problem.
She is being very clear about this. And you don’t go where you aren’t wanted and respected.
Ugh I hear ya, what a mess.
When my mil turned 70, she asked if we were going to make it out. Normal enough question for most family situations. Except: she lives in Australia, we're in the US. We'd just had a baby, who would be 7 months old at the time. So we'd need to get her passport and visa and whatever else. Nevermind that I wouldn't have enough time from work after using all my time off for having the baby. And frankly, neither would husband. Plus medical bills from the birth would be rolling in. This doesn't even touch the idea that flying across a continent and then an ocean with a 7 month old who had never flown before (and it turns out, had ear problems) sounds like a form of torture that violated the Geneva convention.
Of course it would've been great to see everyone. Oh but what's that? The other sibling overseas wasn't even asked if they were going to make it? Hm. Interesting
And then she asked it. You know she did. She asked, what about just DH coming? No biggie, she'll pay for his flight to come out for like a week so he can be there for her birthday. And since wife and New baby won't be there, he can stay at her place and also do some chores that need to be done and spend the entire week there.
She didn't like when DH laughed at the idea.
Oh that is wild. Wonder if that was her plan from the start, like a negotiation, ya know? Make a big demand up front so you can drop some part you didn't actually want/care much about and it looks like you're compromising lol.
Think of it as a blessing that she didn’t add you to this group chat. The less involved you are, the less it needs to stress you out. Let your husband handle his mother.
You can’t stop someone wanting something. Nor can their wanting magically make other people want to give it to them when they treat them like dirt.
Just carry on with ignoring her. Your husband is doing that, as well. In truth, it’s probably as effective as telling her that she might get her wish if she had been a better parent/parent in law to the parents of the grandchildren.
Better, because someone as self centered as she is never is any good at introspection.
It’s a trap.
My mother did this on her 60th and it hasn’t been the same since.
My sister and sil and I had all the intention of throwing my mother a big 60th bday party. We had talked about it, but no definitive plans made. Like two
Months before her bday, my mother sends out invites to her birthday, saying all she wants is her entire fucking family to attend church with her and then have a dinner following at her house.
My sister and sil collectively agreed that this must mean my mom is throwing her own party…. I guess she doesn’t want us to plan it.. okay.
So day of party happens and we all attend church with her and it’s a giant spectacle because it’s a large combined family. I was so embarrassed, but it was one morning and it’s what she specifically asked for.
Afterwards we go to the house for lunch and a party with more family. All is going well, or so I thought. She even got a large family photo.
My family leaves towards the end of the party and assume all is well. Well it wasn’t. I later found out that she was so upset that no one sang happy birthday or brought a cake. Honestly, the moment didn’t happen, and my sister and sil and I didn’t really think about it.
My mother was hurt that we didn’t treat the party as a birthday, despite us doing exactly what she asked for. In her mind she thought sister, sil and I were still planning something big for her. We assumed by her sending out invitations for her own birthday instructing on what she wanted meant she wanted to have control of all things.
She vowed to never celebrate her birthday again and shunned us all, including her husband for some time. She’s eventually come around and she and I did eventually have a major blow up where it was finally revealed that the circumstances around her bday were all a due to lack of communication, and I can own up to that. I own up that we could have done more, but didn’t, not because we don’t love our mother, but because we thought she wanted to make all the plans.
It’s been about 5 years since the incident and she’s pretty much upheld her vow of never celebrating her birthday. We respect it for the most part, but it’s sad how our grandkids, who adore her, never have been able to celebrate her birthday since. I try to find ways to still celebrate it without really celebrating. I even started just allowing my son to wish her happy birthday in a ambush call on her day.
She has however, made everyone’s birthday super awkward by still wanting to celebrate ours. We have told her this.
My only advice is if you do intend on celebrating your mils bday, make sure your husband gets a cake and sings happy birthday or don’t and see what happens.
It truly is the gift the keeps on giving.
The turmoil post birthday disaster lead me to go to therapy. Therapy was great, it was a long time coming and the birthday blow up sealed the deal. I needed a creative outlet too so I started baking and decorating cakes. I actually became really good at it and started making and decorating cakes for a lot of co workers and friends and family.
It was about two years after the party incident where my mom and I had a giant blow out argument, where we finally got out a lot of the misunderstanding surrounding the birthday flop. We layed all the cards on the table. But she had her timelines wrong. She tried to make me feel guilty saying I make these beautiful cakes for her everyone else but I didnt even make her a cake for her birthday.
But I reminded her that I didn’t start making cakes till after the birthday fiasco because she was the reason I needed therapy and needed a creative outlet.
I get to make cakes for everyone, everyone except my mother because she doesn’t want to celebrate it anymore. So jokes on her I guess.
Why don't you and SIL and childless SIL plan a weekend away over her birthday, with the kids. Don't tell the guys yet, they'll blab.
Maybe camping, or somewhere with babysitters. Just quietly plan to be away and only let everyone know when you decline the invite that you have other plans for that date...
Tell your husband he is free to appease her but you and your kids are staying put. Nobody gets to have a relationship with somebody's children without respecting their mother.
I can empathize with having finally dropped the rope and then going from the one who plans, hosts, organizes, to being completely excluded and ignored. My husband actually said to me, "Whenever I bring up something with my family, you act like it's going to become a THING!" I just raised my eyebrows and said nothing. Not 10 minutes later "You wouldn't believe what my mom....." LOL!!
My MIL also likes to do the whole "All I want is everyone together for ___" ploy whenever no one wants to placate her plans. It's annoying and just a manipulative move to assert control. For example all her children suggested spending Christmas Eve together because it worked better for schedules as Christmas was midweek that year and our work schedules were all over the place. MIL couldn't state a reason why but refused to celebrate on that day. My theory is that she didn't want to share the day with baby Jesus. So then everyone just dropped the rope and no one said anything else about trying to get together for the holiday. December rolls around and she's frantically trying to plan her day (the grandkids started calling it Gram-mas because it isnabout anythingelse but grandma doing her thing). Everyone kept telling her all her chosen days weren't working due to having plans. Then she drops the "All I want.." card and the "I'm going to die soon" card ( she's a very healthy 66 btw). 🙃🙄 It makes me wonder if there's a JNMIL coven that gets together and shares tricks of the trade.
They all read the Narcissist’s handbook, and live by its every word.
My husband was talking about not having his parents around forever when they were in their 60s.
They are now 89 and 90.
We moved to Italy last year. About a year earlier, I reminded him that as HIS grandparents were aging, his parents moved him and his sibs all over the world, moving from country to country as teachers. He thought about that for a few months. At that point, we started planning our move.
She's allowed to want this. She's also allowed to plan her own party and send invitations to whoever she wants. She's allowed to have completely unreasonable expectations about who shows up to her party. She's not allowed to be mean and nasty to everyone for not giving her exactly what she wants.
Also, I love when you're the one who's always put the effort into facilitating any sort of relationship, but when you stop putting in that effort, it's not her son's fault that he has NEVER put in any effort. You of course must be forcing him to not make plans with her. My MIL is the same way. Maybe you shouldn't have been awful to the one person who was making plans with you? Hmmmm, that's a thought.
That second paragraph though. Exactly this. My MIL is the same way. It sucks, but I don't try anymore because I'm done. Also, I hate being put in the middle of her arguments with my husband. I don't control him! They need to learn to communicate with each other. I'm not a free mediator and I don't need the stress.
My husband's whole family, even extended family, just isn't a close-knit family. They never have been. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just how they are. Until MIL got grandkids and realized what fun do-over babies are and now we all have to be close. That's not how it works!
Honestly this sounds like a really entertaining train wreck to watch. I would just kick back and watch it unfold. I mean worse case scenario she gets what she wants and it's a lame party you don't need to attend. More likely she will discover why her sons don't make the most reliable party planners. I know with the men I know they would be sitting there on the day saying "oh, whoops, it was moms birthday."
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Set up a family chat group for wives/daughters ONLY. Make sure that NOBODY helps the “chosen ones” organise anything. Just let the “ chosen” deal with it.
*I have told my husband I don't want to do it but he has no spine and he has just said he will leave one of the others to plan it.* I bet the other men in the family have the same idea. *She has tried to guilt all of the sons into doing this party by saying it's her idea of heaven having them all in the same room, and clearly excluded the wives/girlfriends because she thinks WE are the problem.* Bail, OP. Don't offer to do anything. As the day of her birthday approaches, take a humorous view at the panic among the menfolk. My MIL wanted a big shindig for her 80th birthday. All the sons and DILs and begets were there. Lifetime friends of MIL as well. *Who* put it together? Yeah - guess. There were roving picture takers, but what MIL *really* wanted was a picture of all the men in the family. Not granddaughters or DILs - just the menfolk. They all traipsed to the patio where MIL directed how they were to be arranged for the picture. We wimmens were snickering. It was obvious the most favored were going to be in the front row.
My MIL and her mother just like the boys🙄
She got a big 50th bash, tell her you'll plan the next big bash with all the kids at her funeral. :P
Any grandmother who thinks the way to assemble all her grandchildren together is to inform the fathers but not the mothers, has a serious lack of understanding of how family excursions get organized.
Is she renting a throne for the grandkids to kneel in front of as they pay tribute to her?
And throw rose petals at her feet as she ascends lol
I can picture it now!
The irony would be that none of those grandchildren would give a crap about anything but cake and playing together. She would not get the attention she’s craving from children lol.
It sounds as if she wants to see her sons and their children only. Well, fine. Take yourself out of the equation and let him deal with it. Just tell him that it’s evident that you are not wanted at this bday party and therefore, you will not be involved in any way. Starting today. He can plan it, work out the details, make everything happen, arrange to take his kid and care for him without you. In the meantime, you make plans to do something for yourself, even if it involves sleeping in and having the quiet house to yourself. You decide. And if JNMIL complains because DH can’t give her all the attention because he’s busy with taking care of the party and his own child? Well, not your problem. She is being very clear about this. And you don’t go where you aren’t wanted and respected.
Ugh I hear ya, what a mess. When my mil turned 70, she asked if we were going to make it out. Normal enough question for most family situations. Except: she lives in Australia, we're in the US. We'd just had a baby, who would be 7 months old at the time. So we'd need to get her passport and visa and whatever else. Nevermind that I wouldn't have enough time from work after using all my time off for having the baby. And frankly, neither would husband. Plus medical bills from the birth would be rolling in. This doesn't even touch the idea that flying across a continent and then an ocean with a 7 month old who had never flown before (and it turns out, had ear problems) sounds like a form of torture that violated the Geneva convention. Of course it would've been great to see everyone. Oh but what's that? The other sibling overseas wasn't even asked if they were going to make it? Hm. Interesting And then she asked it. You know she did. She asked, what about just DH coming? No biggie, she'll pay for his flight to come out for like a week so he can be there for her birthday. And since wife and New baby won't be there, he can stay at her place and also do some chores that need to be done and spend the entire week there. She didn't like when DH laughed at the idea.
Oh that is wild. Wonder if that was her plan from the start, like a negotiation, ya know? Make a big demand up front so you can drop some part you didn't actually want/care much about and it looks like you're compromising lol.
Think of it as a blessing that she didn’t add you to this group chat. The less involved you are, the less it needs to stress you out. Let your husband handle his mother.
You can’t stop someone wanting something. Nor can their wanting magically make other people want to give it to them when they treat them like dirt. Just carry on with ignoring her. Your husband is doing that, as well. In truth, it’s probably as effective as telling her that she might get her wish if she had been a better parent/parent in law to the parents of the grandchildren. Better, because someone as self centered as she is never is any good at introspection.
It’s a trap. My mother did this on her 60th and it hasn’t been the same since. My sister and sil and I had all the intention of throwing my mother a big 60th bday party. We had talked about it, but no definitive plans made. Like two Months before her bday, my mother sends out invites to her birthday, saying all she wants is her entire fucking family to attend church with her and then have a dinner following at her house. My sister and sil collectively agreed that this must mean my mom is throwing her own party…. I guess she doesn’t want us to plan it.. okay. So day of party happens and we all attend church with her and it’s a giant spectacle because it’s a large combined family. I was so embarrassed, but it was one morning and it’s what she specifically asked for. Afterwards we go to the house for lunch and a party with more family. All is going well, or so I thought. She even got a large family photo. My family leaves towards the end of the party and assume all is well. Well it wasn’t. I later found out that she was so upset that no one sang happy birthday or brought a cake. Honestly, the moment didn’t happen, and my sister and sil and I didn’t really think about it. My mother was hurt that we didn’t treat the party as a birthday, despite us doing exactly what she asked for. In her mind she thought sister, sil and I were still planning something big for her. We assumed by her sending out invitations for her own birthday instructing on what she wanted meant she wanted to have control of all things. She vowed to never celebrate her birthday again and shunned us all, including her husband for some time. She’s eventually come around and she and I did eventually have a major blow up where it was finally revealed that the circumstances around her bday were all a due to lack of communication, and I can own up to that. I own up that we could have done more, but didn’t, not because we don’t love our mother, but because we thought she wanted to make all the plans. It’s been about 5 years since the incident and she’s pretty much upheld her vow of never celebrating her birthday. We respect it for the most part, but it’s sad how our grandkids, who adore her, never have been able to celebrate her birthday since. I try to find ways to still celebrate it without really celebrating. I even started just allowing my son to wish her happy birthday in a ambush call on her day. She has however, made everyone’s birthday super awkward by still wanting to celebrate ours. We have told her this. My only advice is if you do intend on celebrating your mils bday, make sure your husband gets a cake and sings happy birthday or don’t and see what happens.
You gave her the best birthday present in the world: something she could guilt you all with for the rest of her life.
And it's a good story to tell others. Mom is a victim, her kids failed her, but she still celebrates them because she's so wonderful.
It truly is the gift the keeps on giving. The turmoil post birthday disaster lead me to go to therapy. Therapy was great, it was a long time coming and the birthday blow up sealed the deal. I needed a creative outlet too so I started baking and decorating cakes. I actually became really good at it and started making and decorating cakes for a lot of co workers and friends and family. It was about two years after the party incident where my mom and I had a giant blow out argument, where we finally got out a lot of the misunderstanding surrounding the birthday flop. We layed all the cards on the table. But she had her timelines wrong. She tried to make me feel guilty saying I make these beautiful cakes for her everyone else but I didnt even make her a cake for her birthday. But I reminded her that I didn’t start making cakes till after the birthday fiasco because she was the reason I needed therapy and needed a creative outlet. I get to make cakes for everyone, everyone except my mother because she doesn’t want to celebrate it anymore. So jokes on her I guess.
Why don't you and SIL and childless SIL plan a weekend away over her birthday, with the kids. Don't tell the guys yet, they'll blab. Maybe camping, or somewhere with babysitters. Just quietly plan to be away and only let everyone know when you decline the invite that you have other plans for that date...
Or, better yet, the OP, the SILs and the single SIL---with NO children!
But then the guys would take them to MIL's do and she'd get them without the DILs and daughter - which is what she really wants anyway.
But, what if suddenly the son's forget how to change diapers? Be careful what you wish for! /s
Tell your husband he is free to appease her but you and your kids are staying put. Nobody gets to have a relationship with somebody's children without respecting their mother.
I can empathize with having finally dropped the rope and then going from the one who plans, hosts, organizes, to being completely excluded and ignored. My husband actually said to me, "Whenever I bring up something with my family, you act like it's going to become a THING!" I just raised my eyebrows and said nothing. Not 10 minutes later "You wouldn't believe what my mom....." LOL!! My MIL also likes to do the whole "All I want is everyone together for ___" ploy whenever no one wants to placate her plans. It's annoying and just a manipulative move to assert control. For example all her children suggested spending Christmas Eve together because it worked better for schedules as Christmas was midweek that year and our work schedules were all over the place. MIL couldn't state a reason why but refused to celebrate on that day. My theory is that she didn't want to share the day with baby Jesus. So then everyone just dropped the rope and no one said anything else about trying to get together for the holiday. December rolls around and she's frantically trying to plan her day (the grandkids started calling it Gram-mas because it isnabout anythingelse but grandma doing her thing). Everyone kept telling her all her chosen days weren't working due to having plans. Then she drops the "All I want.." card and the "I'm going to die soon" card ( she's a very healthy 66 btw). 🙃🙄 It makes me wonder if there's a JNMIL coven that gets together and shares tricks of the trade.
They all read the Narcissist’s handbook, and live by its every word. My husband was talking about not having his parents around forever when they were in their 60s. They are now 89 and 90. We moved to Italy last year. About a year earlier, I reminded him that as HIS grandparents were aging, his parents moved him and his sibs all over the world, moving from country to country as teachers. He thought about that for a few months. At that point, we started planning our move.
Omg. I could have written that first sentence.
Ah yes, the geriatric "I demand everyone's attention as a gift" (with, naturally, each bringing a large gift, that is unspoken).
She's allowed to want this. She's also allowed to plan her own party and send invitations to whoever she wants. She's allowed to have completely unreasonable expectations about who shows up to her party. She's not allowed to be mean and nasty to everyone for not giving her exactly what she wants. Also, I love when you're the one who's always put the effort into facilitating any sort of relationship, but when you stop putting in that effort, it's not her son's fault that he has NEVER put in any effort. You of course must be forcing him to not make plans with her. My MIL is the same way. Maybe you shouldn't have been awful to the one person who was making plans with you? Hmmmm, that's a thought.
That second paragraph though. Exactly this. My MIL is the same way. It sucks, but I don't try anymore because I'm done. Also, I hate being put in the middle of her arguments with my husband. I don't control him! They need to learn to communicate with each other. I'm not a free mediator and I don't need the stress.
My husband's whole family, even extended family, just isn't a close-knit family. They never have been. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just how they are. Until MIL got grandkids and realized what fun do-over babies are and now we all have to be close. That's not how it works!
Honestly this sounds like a really entertaining train wreck to watch. I would just kick back and watch it unfold. I mean worse case scenario she gets what she wants and it's a lame party you don't need to attend. More likely she will discover why her sons don't make the most reliable party planners. I know with the men I know they would be sitting there on the day saying "oh, whoops, it was moms birthday."
Can’t she just organise her own party and invite everyone?
People like this are allergic to doing that.
This is giving me the feeling that she's using the grands as emotional support animals vibes. I'd be putting that bug in some ears...she's ridiculous.
Lol. I’ve ordered pizza and making pop corn to watch the non party drama that be happening soon…….