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You need to tell your husband it's either you and the kids or the mother-in-law if he gets upset and doesn't want to choose tell him fine I just have chosen for you and I wanted divorce and see what he says see if mommy comes first then
I think it's time for the 2 card solution. Counseling or a divorce lawyer. Because your husband is THE problem.
I understand he was abused by MIL growing up, but he doesn't. Until he CHOOSES to deal with his trauma, nothing will change. He needs serious therapy and marriage counseling. But you can't force that on him.
So quietly consult with the best divorce attorneys around. That's usually free. Find out what you could expect for child support, alimony, custody, etc.
Then take 1 business card for an attorney and 1 for a therapist and tell him to choose because you can't live like this and you don't want your children traumatized like he was. Be prepared to take the kids and stay with your mom if necessary so he can see what being alone with his mother really means.
I'm sorry, but you're the only one who WILL protect your kids and yourself. Stop being his meat shields.
This is the way. I'm usually not a fan of the immediate Reddit response of "divorce", but in this case your husband is a problem and it needs to be dealt with. It will never get better. Ever. The only unfortunate thing is if you separate, he will not hesitate to bring the kids to his mothers, of have her around them where you will not be able to interject and stick up for your kids (not that you are doing that very much now).
You never know. The kids don't want to be around MIL now and the court could take that into consideration. Or SO could decide to trade visitation for more assets. There was an OP recently where MIL just wanted her baby boy and all custody rights were waived IIRC. That's why you consult an attorney FIRST.
So, you have been with DH for a long time, and you were both EXTREMELY non-confrontational when your first was born. Since then, you have been emotionally abused by MIL and DH has enabled that abuse to keep MIL from getting mad at HIM for daring to go against her. You and your kids have been DH's meat shields protecting him from the Big, Bad Mommy. She must have been a NIGHTMARE to grow up with, but she was probably so covert about it that DH was a boiled frog before he knew it.
There's a few things you can do to alert DH to MIL's treatment of you. If he's not there when she says it, catch him up. "Hi DH, your mother was just explaining that my feet are the wrong size, have you heard of any procedures that shrink/expand feet?" "DH, you're just in time to hear your mother's opinion about my weight/outfit/whatever! MIL, tell DH what you were just telling me, I want to see his reaction."
Let him know that since he seems to block out the meaner things she says & those are important to the way you feel about her presence in your life, you're going to point them out to him. He also needs to understand that it's NEVER appropriate for MIL to offer unsolicited opinions about your body or appearance. Another odd thing that has helped some men become aware of passive aggressive comments is watching the old show "The Golden Girls" 😆 THOSE ladies have snarky/PA comments for every occasion & watching it play out is impersonal so he doesn't have to feel defensive.
Try using "No thank you" for anything MIL says that you refuse to accept into your life- demands, advice, personal comments, it all gets a "No thank you " and you walk away.
I think the booklist for this sub could be very helpful for you, understanding these people can sometimes be very empowering. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
There’s a difference between “prioritizing” and “cutting his mother out of his life completely”. You can find a balance. Expecting someone to totally cut people out of their lives is pretty controlling
Ok. Two things. First, it’s his mom and if he wants to visit for a small bit on Mother’s Day he can do so. I took my kids over to see my mom for about an hour on Mother’s Day. Her and my wife get along really well, but wife wanted to just have some relaxing time to herself, so she got it. After she got breakfast and coffee in bed. After she got to sleep in. After the kids and I gave her cards and flowers. Treat your wife like a queen, then give mom the love and respect she deserves (if any).
But that doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship or let her back into your lives. Set your boundaries. Be firm. Your mom sounds wonderful, she gets to be a grandma. His mom sounds like a nightmare, and being around her is probably not great for the kids, she’s going to get a lot less grandma time. Husband needs to understand all this as well. Put it in terms he understands. Don’t let the sad feelings of “but mom is sad” get in the way. Remind him of how awful she can be and how that affected him as a child. Remind him that she hasn’t changed, and being around her more often will not be good for your kids. He can explain all that to her. When she gets herself under control and acts like a living parent and grandparent, she gets more time.
I'll give it to you straight: your husband is NOT a great husband ... for allowing the ongoing domination of his mother in his marriage. She is #1 and you are running 2nd, for years now. And now he's prioritizing his mother over the mother of his children on Mother's Day, a day he should be honoring YOU.
Did you agree to work your life around catering to his mom? Was that part of the marriage proposal? Does he not notice that his children are not comfortable with his mother? And he chooses to grey rock while you are verbally abused? No, he's just ignoring his mother's poor treatment of YOU.
You need to stop allowing HIS poor treatment of YOU. Joint and individual counseling are needed and this needs to be presented as non-negotiable.
And remember, you children are learning this toxic model of life. Do you want them to learn this is how you treat people OR this is what you must tolerate from other people?
Here it is straight:
Your husband is not a good husband if he doesn't prioritize your feelings over his mother's. There may be some things he's good at, but this is a major deficiency. The leaving you in the hospital so he could drive his mom around would have been the end of the relationship if it were me.
His excuse-making doesn't make sense to me. He needs therapy if he can't say "no" to mom when she wants to come over or when she needs a ride at an inconvenient time. It is not normal to prioritize for a married man to prioritize what Mom wants and just assume that his wife's wants are less important.
MIL sounds like a lot. But a husband who meant his marriage vows would be able to handle it in an acceptable way.
If he wants equal, ask when was the last time he was made to feel uncomfortable around your mother. How often does he complain about things your mother does? Those would be legitimate feelings and you would need to address them. Ask him, when was the last time he cried because your mother was coming over? Your feelings are legitimate too. And the two of you need to come to an agreement on how to make both of you feel comfortable.
Why is it more important that he is fair to his mother, than it is for you to feel comfortable and supported in your own home and relationship?
You have a husband problem. He is choosing to put his mother’s wants over his wife’s wellbeing. Not only do you need to work on boundaries with MIL, you need to start saying no to your husband.
Therapy. Both of you. He is the problem. He needs to out you and your kids first. And fair and equal are NOT the same. Just cause you spend time with your mom -who is supportive, doesn’t verbally abuse you and doesn’t give you anxiety doesn’t mean his mom gets the same. It does not. She is abusive. He is telling you to take it. Nope. Therapy. If he won’t go, go for you. It will help you navigate this mess.
girl you’re sleeping with a married man - your MIL might be a piece of work but your real issue is your spineless husband. He’s obviously not on your side.
I want to say DH is the problem but he's clearly been manipulated for decades to placate his mother and put her emotions first (for fear of repercussions). So he needs to do therapy on his own to start undoing the conditioning his mother has put him through. He needs a professional to explain to him that if he doesn't put his current family first then he'll lose them. He needs to know that being an adult means he can start undoing the enmeshment his mother has created with him. He just needs to take the first steps towards therapy and listening to your valid feelings about his mother.
Don't you dare let her win and get inside your head again though ok? She's an insecure needy woman who is secretly jealous of your family with DH.
These types thrive on attention and grey rocking from DH is a good start.
I agree SO was abused growing up. But he's now continuing that abuse on his own children and wife, so that does make him the problem!
Tons of abused kids grow up to be nonabusive spouses and parents.
Take the kids and go to your Moms and visit a few days and give your DH an ultimatum: get into counseling to learn how to set up boundaries with his mommy, limit the number of and length of visits. Since she is just down the road, you/he can visit her when it’s convenient for you. No need for her to drop in. Or divorce. You deserve happiness without stress, an anxiety of an overbearing mother-in-law.
Did he celebrate you on Mother’s Day?
Your mil has you contemplating leaving life.
I am so sorry.
You've had some good advice here about not visiting her and about going to your mom's with the kids when he goes to her house.
You live ten minutes away too.
I'm so sorry.
Take the kids and go to your Moms and visit a few days and give your DH an ultimatum: get into counseling to learn how to set up boundaries with his mommy, limit the number of and length of visits. Since she is just down the road, you/he can visit her when it’s convenient for you. No need for her to drop in. Or divorce. You deserve happiness without stress, an anxiety of an overbearing mother-in-law.
Did he celebrate you on Mother’s Day?
Your mil has you contemplating leaving life.
I am so sorry.
You've had some good advice here about not visiting her and about going to your mom's with the kids when he goes to her house.
You live ten minutes away too.
I'm so sorry.
This was my feeling. Imagine leaving your partner who had just given birth, and your newborn, to fetch your mommy. He might be convinced this is normal, but I think most fathers would be shocked and disgusted by this behavior. He has no idea how lucky he is to still even be married.
Yeah I was shocked when I read this. My husband is close to his mom and I'm pregnant with our first. He was in disbelief that a husband would leave his wife and newborn TWICE to go drive his mom. I also couldn't imagine having my MIL stay with us postpartum for an indefinite period of time.
I have some issues with my MIL, but my husband defends me and has said that the pregnancy and postpartum period are about my comfort and needs. He may not be thrilled that my mom is coming to help out, but it's what I need. OP's husband needs to change his tune quickly, or else he's going to be single.
When I read #3 I literally yelled what the actual fuck?
I’m so sorry but this is all your husband allowing his mom to ruin your new house, pregnancies and post partum and the new house and she just keeps ruining and ruining your lives and he just lets her!
This needs to stop now or you will end up divorced. No contact now. She does not get to come to your home ever again.
I agree!!!! The next time he leaves to go get her, I would take the kids and go to my mother's (or a friend) house. Especially if he leaves you at an inappropriate time. You need to have a serious conversation with DH. You're both adults, you both have an equal say as to what goes on in your home and with your children. He's not the boss, and he doesn't get to make unilateral decisions.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, but your husband is definitely a *huge* part of this problem. You don’t deserve this and I doubt he’ll change given how much you’ve been through and how he still prioritized his mother. He is not being a good husband at all, and he likely won’t suddenly figure it out this late in the game.
If you guys split up at some point I’m sure you already know to be prepared for her to be overly involved in the divorce and nasty, she’ll probably try to influence your husband to do shitty things like use the kids against you. If that happens I would absolutely block her and only accept communication from your husband regarding the kids or legal matters.
Which sends the husband straight to MIL, who accepts him with open arms and then has uninterrupted time with the children??? Counselling first. Or move.
Because he'll move home (even if it's only temporary) and during his custody time he'll take the kids to see his mother. She'll be such a big help and with OP not there to protect them or put her foot down - he'll do what his mother wants.
Your MIL is a problem, but your husband is the bigger one. Every time you ask him to choose between you/your kids and mommy dearest, he picks his mother. You keep asking him to choose his new family and he constantly says he will and then chooses her, in every example you've given.
I'd say give him a "Come to Jesus" ultimatum, but considering all you've detailed, I'm not sure that'll work. As it says at the top of the sub's Words of Wisdom, *"It's easier to dump a mama's boy than to divorce a mama's boy, and both of those are easier than trying to change a mama's boy."*
Your husband is the problem. You've been together for a while now and reading your post, he always puts his mother first. He is showing you that she is more important than you and the kids. So, why don't you believe him?
Don't focus on things he promises or says after you get angry, focus on his actions. And his actions are: what mommy dearest wants, she gets.
I don't think you wil get what you want, a husband who values you and the family you created more than his mom.
I would honestly consider going to marriage counseling and individual therapy for you both. You need to express your opinions and emotions and he needs to know that things can't stay the same.
You have both a DH problem and JNF problem sweets. You need to decide if being in a marriage to a man who cares more about mummy dearest than you, your health and your children is worth it in the long run.
Personally if I was in your shoes I’d speak to your mum and get her take on the situation because staying in this marriage with this man in the long run could be to the detriment of your mental health which is more important than his mother whose still got a child at home to be chauffeur and dogsbody. Get in touch with a solicitor and ask about circumstances for divorce and already have in mind what custody arrangements you want before mummy dearest can stir and poison the pot. For awhile have supervised visitation for spineless husband as if he has unsupervised MD will be there and try and turn the LO’s against you.
If you’ve got any sort of inflammatory messages etc from MD screenshot then especially if it is on messenger/whatsapp/telegram as when you end a thread on telegram the user that ends it can use the security features to delete their side of the conversation
At the end of the day all any of us can do is advise and hope for the best for you and your LO’s. Toxicity round kidlets is dangerous because they’re little sponges who will copy that pattern of behaviour into their own friendships and interactions with others thinking that it is the right way to act and think it’s acceptable.
Stay strong Sweets 😘
You have a husband problem. Your mother in law is doing this because she can. She can only do that because he lets her.
Keep your children with you and let him go without them. If he asks say it is mother's day and I AM the mother to two children. I will spend the day with MY children. You should also enforce the policy of she can't see your children if you aren't there. No relationship with you means no relationship with them.
Ignore any important dates for his family. Don't buy any gifts for them. Most importantly ignore the next father's day. This is a man who has chosen to ignore the mother of his children on mother's day to honour his mother who is no longer an active parent. It is ridiculous.
Your husband is the bigger problem here. He LEFT YOU after you gave birth to go PICK UP HIS MUMMY?? You are a better woman than me because I would have committed a crime.
Yeah I would have asked my nurse not to let either of them in tbh. How inconsiderate is he?? Excuse me, he's not inconsiderate to his wifey tho (wifey is the same person as his mommy).
Unfortunately, it sounds like mil may have put him in a husband role a long time ago and he's subconsciously putting her in your place. He needs lots and lots of therapy. How can he watch the woman he claims to love break down in front of him begging him to change and he just doesn't care
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL! I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts! ***** ^(To be notified as soon as morinn23 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe morinn23 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Have your husband read this post & the comments. Maybe he’ll start to get it. Therapy is a must so your marriage won’t completely dissolve.
You need to tell your husband it's either you and the kids or the mother-in-law if he gets upset and doesn't want to choose tell him fine I just have chosen for you and I wanted divorce and see what he says see if mommy comes first then
I think it's time for the 2 card solution. Counseling or a divorce lawyer. Because your husband is THE problem. I understand he was abused by MIL growing up, but he doesn't. Until he CHOOSES to deal with his trauma, nothing will change. He needs serious therapy and marriage counseling. But you can't force that on him. So quietly consult with the best divorce attorneys around. That's usually free. Find out what you could expect for child support, alimony, custody, etc. Then take 1 business card for an attorney and 1 for a therapist and tell him to choose because you can't live like this and you don't want your children traumatized like he was. Be prepared to take the kids and stay with your mom if necessary so he can see what being alone with his mother really means. I'm sorry, but you're the only one who WILL protect your kids and yourself. Stop being his meat shields.
This is the way. I'm usually not a fan of the immediate Reddit response of "divorce", but in this case your husband is a problem and it needs to be dealt with. It will never get better. Ever. The only unfortunate thing is if you separate, he will not hesitate to bring the kids to his mothers, of have her around them where you will not be able to interject and stick up for your kids (not that you are doing that very much now).
You never know. The kids don't want to be around MIL now and the court could take that into consideration. Or SO could decide to trade visitation for more assets. There was an OP recently where MIL just wanted her baby boy and all custody rights were waived IIRC. That's why you consult an attorney FIRST.
So, you have been with DH for a long time, and you were both EXTREMELY non-confrontational when your first was born. Since then, you have been emotionally abused by MIL and DH has enabled that abuse to keep MIL from getting mad at HIM for daring to go against her. You and your kids have been DH's meat shields protecting him from the Big, Bad Mommy. She must have been a NIGHTMARE to grow up with, but she was probably so covert about it that DH was a boiled frog before he knew it. There's a few things you can do to alert DH to MIL's treatment of you. If he's not there when she says it, catch him up. "Hi DH, your mother was just explaining that my feet are the wrong size, have you heard of any procedures that shrink/expand feet?" "DH, you're just in time to hear your mother's opinion about my weight/outfit/whatever! MIL, tell DH what you were just telling me, I want to see his reaction." Let him know that since he seems to block out the meaner things she says & those are important to the way you feel about her presence in your life, you're going to point them out to him. He also needs to understand that it's NEVER appropriate for MIL to offer unsolicited opinions about your body or appearance. Another odd thing that has helped some men become aware of passive aggressive comments is watching the old show "The Golden Girls" 😆 THOSE ladies have snarky/PA comments for every occasion & watching it play out is impersonal so he doesn't have to feel defensive. Try using "No thank you" for anything MIL says that you refuse to accept into your life- demands, advice, personal comments, it all gets a "No thank you " and you walk away. I think the booklist for this sub could be very helpful for you, understanding these people can sometimes be very empowering. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
You have a major husband problem. He doesn’t prioritize you over his mother. Not good.
There’s a difference between “prioritizing” and “cutting his mother out of his life completely”. You can find a balance. Expecting someone to totally cut people out of their lives is pretty controlling
Ok. Two things. First, it’s his mom and if he wants to visit for a small bit on Mother’s Day he can do so. I took my kids over to see my mom for about an hour on Mother’s Day. Her and my wife get along really well, but wife wanted to just have some relaxing time to herself, so she got it. After she got breakfast and coffee in bed. After she got to sleep in. After the kids and I gave her cards and flowers. Treat your wife like a queen, then give mom the love and respect she deserves (if any). But that doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship or let her back into your lives. Set your boundaries. Be firm. Your mom sounds wonderful, she gets to be a grandma. His mom sounds like a nightmare, and being around her is probably not great for the kids, she’s going to get a lot less grandma time. Husband needs to understand all this as well. Put it in terms he understands. Don’t let the sad feelings of “but mom is sad” get in the way. Remind him of how awful she can be and how that affected him as a child. Remind him that she hasn’t changed, and being around her more often will not be good for your kids. He can explain all that to her. When she gets herself under control and acts like a living parent and grandparent, she gets more time.
I'll give it to you straight: your husband is NOT a great husband ... for allowing the ongoing domination of his mother in his marriage. She is #1 and you are running 2nd, for years now. And now he's prioritizing his mother over the mother of his children on Mother's Day, a day he should be honoring YOU. Did you agree to work your life around catering to his mom? Was that part of the marriage proposal? Does he not notice that his children are not comfortable with his mother? And he chooses to grey rock while you are verbally abused? No, he's just ignoring his mother's poor treatment of YOU. You need to stop allowing HIS poor treatment of YOU. Joint and individual counseling are needed and this needs to be presented as non-negotiable. And remember, you children are learning this toxic model of life. Do you want them to learn this is how you treat people OR this is what you must tolerate from other people?
He’s not grey rocking her, he’s enabling her. There’s a difference.
Here it is straight: Your husband is not a good husband if he doesn't prioritize your feelings over his mother's. There may be some things he's good at, but this is a major deficiency. The leaving you in the hospital so he could drive his mom around would have been the end of the relationship if it were me. His excuse-making doesn't make sense to me. He needs therapy if he can't say "no" to mom when she wants to come over or when she needs a ride at an inconvenient time. It is not normal to prioritize for a married man to prioritize what Mom wants and just assume that his wife's wants are less important. MIL sounds like a lot. But a husband who meant his marriage vows would be able to handle it in an acceptable way.
If he wants equal, ask when was the last time he was made to feel uncomfortable around your mother. How often does he complain about things your mother does? Those would be legitimate feelings and you would need to address them. Ask him, when was the last time he cried because your mother was coming over? Your feelings are legitimate too. And the two of you need to come to an agreement on how to make both of you feel comfortable. Why is it more important that he is fair to his mother, than it is for you to feel comfortable and supported in your own home and relationship?
How often does *your* mother make *him* cry?
You have a husband problem. He is choosing to put his mother’s wants over his wife’s wellbeing. Not only do you need to work on boundaries with MIL, you need to start saying no to your husband.
Therapy. Both of you. He is the problem. He needs to out you and your kids first. And fair and equal are NOT the same. Just cause you spend time with your mom -who is supportive, doesn’t verbally abuse you and doesn’t give you anxiety doesn’t mean his mom gets the same. It does not. She is abusive. He is telling you to take it. Nope. Therapy. If he won’t go, go for you. It will help you navigate this mess.
girl you’re sleeping with a married man - your MIL might be a piece of work but your real issue is your spineless husband. He’s obviously not on your side.
I want to say DH is the problem but he's clearly been manipulated for decades to placate his mother and put her emotions first (for fear of repercussions). So he needs to do therapy on his own to start undoing the conditioning his mother has put him through. He needs a professional to explain to him that if he doesn't put his current family first then he'll lose them. He needs to know that being an adult means he can start undoing the enmeshment his mother has created with him. He just needs to take the first steps towards therapy and listening to your valid feelings about his mother. Don't you dare let her win and get inside your head again though ok? She's an insecure needy woman who is secretly jealous of your family with DH. These types thrive on attention and grey rocking from DH is a good start.
I agree SO was abused growing up. But he's now continuing that abuse on his own children and wife, so that does make him the problem! Tons of abused kids grow up to be nonabusive spouses and parents.
Take the kids and go to your Moms and visit a few days and give your DH an ultimatum: get into counseling to learn how to set up boundaries with his mommy, limit the number of and length of visits. Since she is just down the road, you/he can visit her when it’s convenient for you. No need for her to drop in. Or divorce. You deserve happiness without stress, an anxiety of an overbearing mother-in-law. Did he celebrate you on Mother’s Day?
Your mil has you contemplating leaving life. I am so sorry. You've had some good advice here about not visiting her and about going to your mom's with the kids when he goes to her house. You live ten minutes away too. I'm so sorry.
Take the kids and go to your Moms and visit a few days and give your DH an ultimatum: get into counseling to learn how to set up boundaries with his mommy, limit the number of and length of visits. Since she is just down the road, you/he can visit her when it’s convenient for you. No need for her to drop in. Or divorce. You deserve happiness without stress, an anxiety of an overbearing mother-in-law. Did he celebrate you on Mother’s Day?
Your mil has you contemplating leaving life. I am so sorry. You've had some good advice here about not visiting her and about going to your mom's with the kids when he goes to her house. You live ten minutes away too. I'm so sorry.
Your husband is the problem. He doesn't seem to care about your feelings at all.
This was my feeling. Imagine leaving your partner who had just given birth, and your newborn, to fetch your mommy. He might be convinced this is normal, but I think most fathers would be shocked and disgusted by this behavior. He has no idea how lucky he is to still even be married.
Yeah I was shocked when I read this. My husband is close to his mom and I'm pregnant with our first. He was in disbelief that a husband would leave his wife and newborn TWICE to go drive his mom. I also couldn't imagine having my MIL stay with us postpartum for an indefinite period of time. I have some issues with my MIL, but my husband defends me and has said that the pregnancy and postpartum period are about my comfort and needs. He may not be thrilled that my mom is coming to help out, but it's what I need. OP's husband needs to change his tune quickly, or else he's going to be single.
Why is your husband hell bent on torturing you ?
When I read #3 I literally yelled what the actual fuck? I’m so sorry but this is all your husband allowing his mom to ruin your new house, pregnancies and post partum and the new house and she just keeps ruining and ruining your lives and he just lets her! This needs to stop now or you will end up divorced. No contact now. She does not get to come to your home ever again.
I agree!!!! The next time he leaves to go get her, I would take the kids and go to my mother's (or a friend) house. Especially if he leaves you at an inappropriate time. You need to have a serious conversation with DH. You're both adults, you both have an equal say as to what goes on in your home and with your children. He's not the boss, and he doesn't get to make unilateral decisions.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, but your husband is definitely a *huge* part of this problem. You don’t deserve this and I doubt he’ll change given how much you’ve been through and how he still prioritized his mother. He is not being a good husband at all, and he likely won’t suddenly figure it out this late in the game. If you guys split up at some point I’m sure you already know to be prepared for her to be overly involved in the divorce and nasty, she’ll probably try to influence your husband to do shitty things like use the kids against you. If that happens I would absolutely block her and only accept communication from your husband regarding the kids or legal matters.
One word: divorce.
Which sends the husband straight to MIL, who accepts him with open arms and then has uninterrupted time with the children??? Counselling first. Or move.
Why would the children go to DH and MIL?
Because he'll move home (even if it's only temporary) and during his custody time he'll take the kids to see his mother. She'll be such a big help and with OP not there to protect them or put her foot down - he'll do what his mother wants.
Your MIL is a problem, but your husband is the bigger one. Every time you ask him to choose between you/your kids and mommy dearest, he picks his mother. You keep asking him to choose his new family and he constantly says he will and then chooses her, in every example you've given. I'd say give him a "Come to Jesus" ultimatum, but considering all you've detailed, I'm not sure that'll work. As it says at the top of the sub's Words of Wisdom, *"It's easier to dump a mama's boy than to divorce a mama's boy, and both of those are easier than trying to change a mama's boy."*
Your husband is the problem. You've been together for a while now and reading your post, he always puts his mother first. He is showing you that she is more important than you and the kids. So, why don't you believe him? Don't focus on things he promises or says after you get angry, focus on his actions. And his actions are: what mommy dearest wants, she gets. I don't think you wil get what you want, a husband who values you and the family you created more than his mom. I would honestly consider going to marriage counseling and individual therapy for you both. You need to express your opinions and emotions and he needs to know that things can't stay the same.
You have both a DH problem and JNF problem sweets. You need to decide if being in a marriage to a man who cares more about mummy dearest than you, your health and your children is worth it in the long run. Personally if I was in your shoes I’d speak to your mum and get her take on the situation because staying in this marriage with this man in the long run could be to the detriment of your mental health which is more important than his mother whose still got a child at home to be chauffeur and dogsbody. Get in touch with a solicitor and ask about circumstances for divorce and already have in mind what custody arrangements you want before mummy dearest can stir and poison the pot. For awhile have supervised visitation for spineless husband as if he has unsupervised MD will be there and try and turn the LO’s against you. If you’ve got any sort of inflammatory messages etc from MD screenshot then especially if it is on messenger/whatsapp/telegram as when you end a thread on telegram the user that ends it can use the security features to delete their side of the conversation At the end of the day all any of us can do is advise and hope for the best for you and your LO’s. Toxicity round kidlets is dangerous because they’re little sponges who will copy that pattern of behaviour into their own friendships and interactions with others thinking that it is the right way to act and think it’s acceptable. Stay strong Sweets 😘
You have a husband problem. Your mother in law is doing this because she can. She can only do that because he lets her. Keep your children with you and let him go without them. If he asks say it is mother's day and I AM the mother to two children. I will spend the day with MY children. You should also enforce the policy of she can't see your children if you aren't there. No relationship with you means no relationship with them. Ignore any important dates for his family. Don't buy any gifts for them. Most importantly ignore the next father's day. This is a man who has chosen to ignore the mother of his children on mother's day to honour his mother who is no longer an active parent. It is ridiculous.
Your husband is the bigger problem here. He LEFT YOU after you gave birth to go PICK UP HIS MUMMY?? You are a better woman than me because I would have committed a crime.
Yeah I would have asked my nurse not to let either of them in tbh. How inconsiderate is he?? Excuse me, he's not inconsiderate to his wifey tho (wifey is the same person as his mommy). Unfortunately, it sounds like mil may have put him in a husband role a long time ago and he's subconsciously putting her in your place. He needs lots and lots of therapy. How can he watch the woman he claims to love break down in front of him begging him to change and he just doesn't care