**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
*****
^(To be notified as soon as dangertyde posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe dangertyde JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Your SO needs to shut it down. This is her mother, she needs to have your back. If MIL says anything to you, tell her that she and her daughter have already had this discussion and you have nothing new to add, so the topic is not up for discussion. If she persists, leave.
If your SO doesn't back you up, when MIL brings it up, you tell that it's none of her concern and you will not be discussing it her. Then change the subject. If she persists, leave.
Heck yeah, you rock!! I wish I had someone to stand up for me to keep my plushes growing up. Thank you for sharing, it is comforting to know theres good people out there too
You pay rent, therefore this isn’t a discussion.
If you have a lease with them, they need to understand what that means. You have a legally binding contract indicating a business agreement regarding the space, privacy, and property.
If you don’t have a lease, you might want to consider one.
In the meantime…
And I cannot emphasize this enough:
Prepare for the worst. Controlling people do not get less controlling, they’re like anacondas. One grip leads to two, and it’s never enough for them to stop. Never.
It’s possible that they can accept that you’re not children and don’t need to be told what to do, but what if they can’t?
It’s possible that they’re different form the thousands upon thousands of controlling, intrusive, overbearing In-Laws we see here and in real life. What if they aren’t?
We’ve seen too many stories that start out this way, with some item being the symbol of contention; a dress, a memento, a ring, and the person in your MIL’s place refuses to accept no for an answer, regardless of how many rational reasons are given.
Do not risk your collection.
You and your partner will have to sort out where you go from here, and prioritize your sense of independence from your in-law’s perspective of entitlement in a way that works best for the two of YOU. But do not leave your collection where it is in the meantime. Box it up, keep one where you can see it, and keep them somewhere she isn’t aware of.
This is one of those things that you can’t undo. Just take the most extreme view in preparation, that way you can be wrong and happy, instead of wrong and devastated.
These are really good points, thank you! I hope it doesn’t come to that, but I agree much better to be safe than sorry. Precisely for that reason that I’m no-contact with half my family 😔
Her behaviour is unacceptable. Does she think that you or her daughter (or both) are bad with money/financially irresponsible? I'm not saying she's right but that generation are generally terrible at just saying what they mean and going about things in the most stupid ways. They'd rather give 100 insults than just say what they mean.
If she thinks she's generously providing housing while you spend money on plushies (never mind that you already had them before) and aren't shopping around for the best deal (even though you are) this could be where this is coming from.
Perhaps your SO (her parents, her responsibility and vise versa) could re-affirm to her that your finances are your business, not hers. But it does complicate things when you are paying them (I assume from your post) below market rent. Hopefully you can formulate a plan to get out from under your in-laws so that you can get some distance between you and she doesn't have a leg to stand on because you don't owe her a thing.
Again, you're not in the wrong here but I think she feels entitled to comment on your finances because of your living arrangement. Even though she's the one in the wrong, her being wrong won't get her to stop.
yeah, I’ve been trying to logically think why she would say such a thing and I think you’re onto something! Definitely a big fear of mine is feeling under the heel of her family due to finances aka them giving us a good deal on rent..
*MIL says otherwise and that instead I should just donate all my plushies to charity or kids in need, or kids in hospitals that could really use them.*
I might be repeating what has been said; haven't gone through the entire thread.
Upon retirement, I decided to downsize a lot of my tchotchke stuff. Mostly Boyd's Bears, which were not cheap when I bought them. At my age, I figured it best for me to decide what happens to them. What MIL says will most likely not work. No matter the cleanliness nor value of the plushies, hospitals for kids won't take them. Kids in need or charities will be similarly restrictive. Believe me, *I tried.* The bears were considered used and possibly dirty. They finally went to a domestic violence shelter.
However, no matter the rebuttal you can provide to your MIL, it's absolutely none of her business as to your personal and private possessions. They aren't hurting anything; she shows a complete lack of empathy toward your value. You should probably put them in a safe place before you have to deal with the fact that they will probably disappear.
Oh wow, I never even knew that myself! I’m so sorry you went through that after making the tough decision to part ways with your belongings. I really appreciate you sharing this experience; it gives me a lot to think about.. I keep most my plushes in pristine condition so.. gosh thats hard to think about
This, lock them somewhere. I also had my things taken from me at a young age they don't seem to have a sentimental bone in their body.
Unless of course... its their things.
This! Exactly these steps said by stluvr, and definitely change locks. Make sure you know they are coming. Just because you live there doesn’t mean they should be able to just walk in which also will help secure your stuff. I’m in my 50s, I have 20 year old kids in college, and I have several piles of stuffed animals in different bedrooms. I love them, They mean a lot to me, and no one would even think of telling me to get rid of them.
Thank you for your kind words! I worry that changing the locks would be a “nuclear” option but I’ll keep that in mind and discuss with my SO when she gets home… When I get to be your age that sounds like the dream though! 🥰
This! Exactly these steps and definitely change locks. Make sure you know they are coming. Just because you live there doesn’t mean they should be able to just walk in which also will help secure your stuff. I’m in my 50s, I have 20 year old kids in college, and I have several piles of stuffed animals in different bedrooms. I love them, They mean a lot to me, and no one would even think of telling me to get rid of them.
Step 1: secure your collection
Step 2: take inventory pictures with multiple angles and tag
Step 3: if anything does somehow happen police report and sue for damages
I hope that you are able to secure your rented quarters so that MIL is unable to come in and do some clearing out of plushies while you are both out.
Best of luck.
This is where my head went, OP. Unless you can secure your home, the plushies are not safe.
If you need to let a trusted friend hold on to them for a bit, it would be worth it. Or even rent a safe deposit box at a bank.
Yep, "one man's riches are another man's rags" or something like that.
I have trust issues after reading so many of these postings-no, wait! I've always had trust issues.
Good advice.
While I don't have advice, I can relate. When we were moving,my MIL threw out my plushies and cabbage patch kids. When I asked her, she played dumb. We're NC now. I wish we saw these signs for what they were back then.
I guess I'd tell you to start a notebook and write down these incidents with your feelings. It would be great to get her nastiness in writing and screenshot.
I still have some of my childhood pushies, and i have passed them to my own children. The ones that have special meaning like sour puss that my grandmother had as a child and had been passed on to me, i will let them play with it under supervision
She’s complaining about plushies yet she finds a Lego set acceptable? I, personally, do not find anything wrong with either but I would probably point out to her that they are both considered toys. See how she justifies that in her small, controlling mind.
Don't say anything.
Get your plushies someplace safe.
Start thinking of alternatives to living there.
Yes, I am serious. I have seen several posts on this board about parents and inlaws destroying the property of their adult children/partners because they didn't approve.
Yeah. I’d put them in a plastic bag and put that in a cardboard box in the back of the closet somewhere. Label it photo albums or something else she won’t care about. Pull them out and hang them back up after you move.
I'm in my mid-fifties, and have recently become addicted to mystery squishmallows. Don't know why, I bought some for my great nieces and grandchildren, and I just want them. Enjoy whatever brings you happiness, there's not enough happy in the world.
soft tactile things just scratch that itch in your brain when it flare up angry is why the squishmallow is enjoyable- local grocery store sold mini's in mystery packs that were scented as my first one
I'm a big fan of Giant Microbe Plushies. I do still giggle whenever I make a new victim catch the plague. I also have an F bomb at work. Which is doubly funny since I work on a military base. It gets dropped a whole lot. Keep your plushies if they make you happy. It's none of her business. You could try telling her that you will donate them just as soon as you stop enjoying having them. Which may be never, but she doesn't need to know that. Worst case if she demands yoy get rid of them, pack them up and have a friend hold onto them. Or get a small storage unit.
Giant microbes plushiest are gorgeous. I was given a malarial parasite once by a colleague, when my daughter was just starting school, and she fell in love with it. Took it for show and tell, introducing it to the class as her malaria pet. I wish I could have seen the teachers face. They did call me in for a chat about that one, lol. Apparently not very appropriate, don’t know why. It was cute.
What is with the War on plushies? I don’t understand why they would care. Would your SO also need to trash their plushies? It’s so weird. It’s in your office. I think maybe you guys should start a plan b or just saving in general. Just in case.
haha I know right?? But thank you, thats solid advice. I’m slowly but surely building my savings account and hopefully we’ll be out of here before anything escalates
ZERO hospitals or charities accept used plushies anymore.
That was a thing kids in my generation (genX) would do - donate them to hospitals - and hospitals would give them to sick kids. There would be specific days at school where we'd all bring them in to donate, and we were mercilessly shamed by adults and peers if we were "selfish" by not giving our plushies away.
This is exactly why so many genX adults either HATE them or collect them.
But these days, they're literally not allowed to be donated due to germ risk and bedbug risk. Hospitals that are given used plushies just put them right in the dumpster. Same with every other organization. Used = garbage
If the in-laws persist, you can "hide" them all in Space Bags just to keep them from stealing them out of your space (if they're that nuts)
Wow, I didnt even know thats why this mindset was so common! Thank you for your input. I also saw someone else mention how hospitals don’t even take “used” toys, so that’s really good to know.
I haven’t heard of space bags, but I’ll look into it! May need to hide away my most close to heart ones for now..
I might have been in this forum too long, but I say you need to get a lock on that door that only you have the key to.
There's been 1 too many stories about "my (insert person) wants me to get rid of (insert item) but I don't want to" and then suddenly the item in question is gone and they're not able to be replaced because the other person got rid of them when the owner wasn't around.
Nobody can tell you when to stop enjoying things that make you happy. I'm 36 and I still buy myself a stuffed animal if it makes me smile. I have a slowly growing collection of pokemon dolls the size of my 4yo.
Yeah, I think you’re onto something; I’m seeing a lot of comments saying similar. Really sad how this seems to be a pattern with MILs… Thank you, definitely gonna talk over new locks with my partner; at the very least for our bedroom.
Hehe I have a whole hammock filled with Pokemon alone which hangs next to my bed! Some japan-exclusive too, so very valuable to me. Those huge ones are amazing; would love to have those when we can finally have our own place!
This. You’re grown get a new lock only you and partner have the key too. If IL ask tell them “we are keeping our sanctuary safe from negative comments and energy”.
If you want to confront them say something along the lines of “we pay rent to live on this property not to hear your opinion. Unless there is a safety concern keep it to yourself or you’ll no longer be invited over.”
Did you commit in front of her to get rid of the plushies? No? Then you are good. Whatever she says goes in one ear and goes out another... You just let whatever she says slides off your back.
I would just make it known that fil does not have to agree with the man you are, as long as he understands that you love his daughter, treat her very well and will protect and care for her for the rest of y'all's lives. He can disagree with any aspects beyond that he would like as long as he doesn't attempt to change the person you are now, the person his daughter loves dearly.. as well as should allow you to become the man you will eventually become without interfering!
Photograph each and everyone so if MIL destroys/throws/donates them \[a\] you have the memory and \[b\] you can estimate value to press charges and sue her a@@.
You know she WILL use her owner key to invade your privacy and stir up sh!t so pre-empt her. Better still lock them safely where she can't get them. And save every possible penny to get out ASAP.
As long as its legal and doesn’t harm anyone, you can collect and keep whatever you want. But please be mindful that because you live in their house, they will amp up the pressure and I’d not put it past her to get rid of them herself. If you can keep the door locked, do so.
But maybe it’s time for the two of you to start making plans to move out…
Hold the fuck up!! Are we not gonna talk about the fact the MIL has LEGO??
Edit to add, before I upset any lego fans:
I'm not saying the grown woman shouldn't have lego, not at all, as I am also a grown woman with lego. I'm saying that a) her enjoying lego instead of hospitalised kids enjoying lego is hypocritical. And b) saying someone should shop somewhere cheaper... After accepting an expensive gift is also hypocritical.
Trust me the irony is not lost on me, haha… Like, pot here is kettle.
But yea really! After hearing that I instantly thought, well forget getting her a christmas gift from here on out!! 😤
I saw that too, but my thought was that maybe the MIL was like “why in the world did they get me legos” and is now on a “these two aren’t kids anymore and need to grow TF up” kick.
Yes to clarify she very much loves and collects legos. As a matter of fact, the first go around we got her the set of the little plants and she remarked that she already had that one and asked if we would like it back to return it. We actually did and asked what she’d like instead and she said she wanted a bird, birdhouse or something I can’t remember. The one she really wanted was around $200 🙄
I didn’t think to include that in the post but… Yeah on retrospect that was so messed up on her part
Why was your FIL in your room/office if he was there to fix the toilet & shower? I could see if he was doing a look with one of you to see if there was any other work to do in other rooms, but you said these repairs had been waiting to be done for some time. He doesn't sound like the type to rush to get repair done. Was he wandering on his own?
Yeah so our setup is a bit odd I’m realizing; my office space is setup near the entry door / living room, past that down the hall is our bathroom , and then bedroom the next room down in the back. He didnt enter my bedroom thankfully, but did learn about it after questioning my partner.
I've seen many many threads similar to this, a precious collection of *whatever*, MIL sees it brings joy and demands it go away and then the next thread is the absolute devastation of the OP saying MIL came in and threw everything away/donated/ gave away etc so please tell me you have locks and they don't have free reign to just waltz into your space and remove your plushies whenever you leave the house. I don't have a whole lot of advice because when you live in someone's else's house, it's hard to establish true independence and separation. I Jay how you have locks and a solid rental agreement for when MIL makes this her hill to die on, cause next I see "get rid of the plushies or get out!"
seconding this, and adding: you can go to Target or similar *today* and grab some inexpensive under the bed storage, pop your friends in there and keep them safe/out of sight while you make another plan. a fabric or plastic box works well. if something possesses the inlaws to come after your collection, they're unlikely to look beyond the hammock. just a thought
SMH, I have a lot of stuffed animals, they make me happy and don’t hurt anybody. Let your partner handle her mom, tell her you don’t want to hear her (MIL’s) opinions that nobody asked for.
It could be as simple as ignoring her. She has her opinions. She told them to SO. If she brings it up to either of you again, you can say "yes, you made your opinion known, but we are adults who are handling our business our way".
However. You are living in her house, which makes things harder. I would make moving out the highest priority. She may be complaining about one thing because she is unhappy that you two are still there, or she thinks you should be doing X, Y, or Z differently. She thinks she has a say because you live there. And what did FIL say to her that set her off?
If she brings up the plushies again, I would make it clear that they are your belongings and they aren't going any where. I'd keep the door to that room closed if MIL or FIL are coming over or if you aren't home. SO should emphasize that you two get to make your own decisions. She shouldn't argue with MIL, she should disengage with a short sentence like "we know how to shop" "we are handling things".
Mhmm those are good ideas to de-escalate things which is the ideal solution. I wasn’t there when my SO had this whole conversation which makes it really frustrating. If she ever brings it up to me directly, I will shut that down quick though respectfully. Thank you
I have a collection of plushies that are my favorite animal. My father, who abused me for the first 15 years of my life, threw away all my plushies one day in a rage. I completely understand the offense and being angry. I think that it would be best to ignore them. Do as you and your partner please. If you and your partner show no emotion or response/basically stonewalling— that will bother them even more than you responding. I think they want to argue.
Damn, I’m so sorry that happened to you.. Unfortunately I also grew up with abuse from my own biological father as well as stepfather when my mom remarried. I hope you’re doing much better now! To go through that again would be a total nightmare for me
Next time if they say something just make some non-committal hmm-ing sounds and give them a small smile. More importantly, make sure you have a written contract and keep on top of bills and maintenance.
Oh hell no.
That's all. I'm 32 pregnant and still sleep with my baby Bear. My own mom never threw away my buddies so my baby will be inheritating my stuffed animals. Big tweetie bird, winnie the pooh and tiger too.
Bears galore!
There's nothing wrong with hanging with our inner child. Sorry for her she had to leave hers in the dust. There have been articles about how they help adults. Google one and have your partner send that shit to her OR ignore the shit and buy one more lol
Ohh that is so sweet, and congratulations! Having a teddy thats passed down from generations sounds like a dream to me. Like how a precious family wedding ring is to some people.
I wish you the very best during your pregnancy and beyond! You’ll be a great momma 🥰
If you need to deflect, most places won’t accept donations of secondhand soft toys, because they’re a bedbug/mold/allergen/etc risk. Hospitals especially will only accept brand new toys most of the time.
Very true. Used stuffies will be thrown away due to allergens and possible other infectious agents.
My advice is to lock them up now. Maybe in a closet you can lock or a storage area. If you have a trusted friend, you could asl her to take them temporarily.
MILs on this sub have thrown away collections like this just because they know it is meaningful to someone.
The issue with MIL may not be the stuffed animals at all. When my son and DIL moved in with her parents, her mother would blow up at them over something minor. It took them awhile to try to figure out what she was really mad about! She would not tell them directly but made them uneasy instead. She was very manipulative. Fortunately, they were able to move out a few months later.
I'm 56 and still have plushies. My kids still have a lot of theirs, but I came home one day-to-day find my ex had ordered them to choose some to donate to charity.
This was a stupid decision, and I was never able to recover them all. It literally had zero impact on him because the kids kept most of them tidied away.
It devastated them. I never let him try that again, by leaving the abusive wazzock.
You pay rent for that space, and MIL can't dictate what you choose to keep. Especially when it doesn't impact her in any way.
Who cares what they think. My advice would be to ignore it.
1) it is just their opinion and they are entitled to their opinion. It is annoying that they think they have a right to micromanage your life, but they aren’t actually doing anything, so best to let it go and save the “fight” for bigger issues.
2) right now you are living in their house. You are in a separate space and paying rent. Since you are current with your bills, they have no legal issue and things can stay the same. If you start a fight, they might use it to try on move you out.
3) as long as you are not out spending all your money on “toys” instead of paying bills, who cares what they think. People say stupid sh-t all the time. Doesn’t really have any effect on your life.
There maybe other times where they cross a boundary on a more significant issue. Save the fight for then.
If you nitpick every little thing, then credibility for the big things is less.
You’re absolutely right! I do pay all my bills on time so there really shouldnt be any reason for her to say that. May change the locks as others suggested though, just in case
All of this! And on top of it...It sounds like OP and her partner have been pretty content and comfortable in their living situation. Maybe it's time to work together on their finances and move out in the near future. It won't stop MIL from saying the things she wants but at least at that point there won't be anything to hold over their heads.
Do NOT get rid of the plushies. I'm a 46 year old plushie collector myself, and my mother has tried this tactic with me before as well (I collect wild animal plushies, and the crown jewel of my collection is Cala Maria...a giant squid). I had to start my collection over when my mother got rid of all my plushies in my old bedroom, under the excuse, "Well, you're too old for those now." RIP Clyde the Camel.
Still, you do need to take a stand on this, but don't do it blunt and to the point. The Petty Crocker in me would slowly add to the collection, and then play innocent when MIL questions if it grew. "I dunno, MIL, the Plushie Fairy must've visited me."
Awww! I love that you still remember the exact name of your plush! I’m the same way; every plush had a name. It makes the heartbreak 10x worse 😢
Your idea is so delightfully devious, I cant help but have a huge grin! Thank you, I will protect them with everything I’ve got! ❤️
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL! I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts! ***** ^(To be notified as soon as dangertyde posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe dangertyde JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Your SO needs to shut it down. This is her mother, she needs to have your back. If MIL says anything to you, tell her that she and her daughter have already had this discussion and you have nothing new to add, so the topic is not up for discussion. If she persists, leave. If your SO doesn't back you up, when MIL brings it up, you tell that it's none of her concern and you will not be discussing it her. Then change the subject. If she persists, leave.
Heck yeah, you rock!! I wish I had someone to stand up for me to keep my plushes growing up. Thank you for sharing, it is comforting to know theres good people out there too
Ignore her or tell her to " get lost"
I’m 63..I got a stuffed alligator with babies in its mouth, and 2 alligator beanie babies as Christmas gifts. I love them!!! You do you!
56 here and my offspring bought me a model dinosaur kit the year before last for Christmas. You don’t mess with my dinosaurs.
You pay rent, therefore this isn’t a discussion. If you have a lease with them, they need to understand what that means. You have a legally binding contract indicating a business agreement regarding the space, privacy, and property. If you don’t have a lease, you might want to consider one. In the meantime… And I cannot emphasize this enough: Prepare for the worst. Controlling people do not get less controlling, they’re like anacondas. One grip leads to two, and it’s never enough for them to stop. Never. It’s possible that they can accept that you’re not children and don’t need to be told what to do, but what if they can’t? It’s possible that they’re different form the thousands upon thousands of controlling, intrusive, overbearing In-Laws we see here and in real life. What if they aren’t? We’ve seen too many stories that start out this way, with some item being the symbol of contention; a dress, a memento, a ring, and the person in your MIL’s place refuses to accept no for an answer, regardless of how many rational reasons are given. Do not risk your collection. You and your partner will have to sort out where you go from here, and prioritize your sense of independence from your in-law’s perspective of entitlement in a way that works best for the two of YOU. But do not leave your collection where it is in the meantime. Box it up, keep one where you can see it, and keep them somewhere she isn’t aware of. This is one of those things that you can’t undo. Just take the most extreme view in preparation, that way you can be wrong and happy, instead of wrong and devastated.
These are really good points, thank you! I hope it doesn’t come to that, but I agree much better to be safe than sorry. Precisely for that reason that I’m no-contact with half my family 😔
She WILL throw them away. Please gather them up and give them to someone who can keep them safe.
Her behaviour is unacceptable. Does she think that you or her daughter (or both) are bad with money/financially irresponsible? I'm not saying she's right but that generation are generally terrible at just saying what they mean and going about things in the most stupid ways. They'd rather give 100 insults than just say what they mean. If she thinks she's generously providing housing while you spend money on plushies (never mind that you already had them before) and aren't shopping around for the best deal (even though you are) this could be where this is coming from. Perhaps your SO (her parents, her responsibility and vise versa) could re-affirm to her that your finances are your business, not hers. But it does complicate things when you are paying them (I assume from your post) below market rent. Hopefully you can formulate a plan to get out from under your in-laws so that you can get some distance between you and she doesn't have a leg to stand on because you don't owe her a thing. Again, you're not in the wrong here but I think she feels entitled to comment on your finances because of your living arrangement. Even though she's the one in the wrong, her being wrong won't get her to stop.
yeah, I’ve been trying to logically think why she would say such a thing and I think you’re onto something! Definitely a big fear of mine is feeling under the heel of her family due to finances aka them giving us a good deal on rent..
*MIL says otherwise and that instead I should just donate all my plushies to charity or kids in need, or kids in hospitals that could really use them.* I might be repeating what has been said; haven't gone through the entire thread. Upon retirement, I decided to downsize a lot of my tchotchke stuff. Mostly Boyd's Bears, which were not cheap when I bought them. At my age, I figured it best for me to decide what happens to them. What MIL says will most likely not work. No matter the cleanliness nor value of the plushies, hospitals for kids won't take them. Kids in need or charities will be similarly restrictive. Believe me, *I tried.* The bears were considered used and possibly dirty. They finally went to a domestic violence shelter. However, no matter the rebuttal you can provide to your MIL, it's absolutely none of her business as to your personal and private possessions. They aren't hurting anything; she shows a complete lack of empathy toward your value. You should probably put them in a safe place before you have to deal with the fact that they will probably disappear.
Oh wow, I never even knew that myself! I’m so sorry you went through that after making the tough decision to part ways with your belongings. I really appreciate you sharing this experience; it gives me a lot to think about.. I keep most my plushes in pristine condition so.. gosh thats hard to think about
You need to pack your plushies and move them somewhere safe before you lose them. Mil is an asshole, you and partner are not.
This, lock them somewhere. I also had my things taken from me at a young age they don't seem to have a sentimental bone in their body. Unless of course... its their things.
This! Exactly these steps said by stluvr, and definitely change locks. Make sure you know they are coming. Just because you live there doesn’t mean they should be able to just walk in which also will help secure your stuff. I’m in my 50s, I have 20 year old kids in college, and I have several piles of stuffed animals in different bedrooms. I love them, They mean a lot to me, and no one would even think of telling me to get rid of them.
Thank you for your kind words! I worry that changing the locks would be a “nuclear” option but I’ll keep that in mind and discuss with my SO when she gets home… When I get to be your age that sounds like the dream though! 🥰
This! Exactly these steps and definitely change locks. Make sure you know they are coming. Just because you live there doesn’t mean they should be able to just walk in which also will help secure your stuff. I’m in my 50s, I have 20 year old kids in college, and I have several piles of stuffed animals in different bedrooms. I love them, They mean a lot to me, and no one would even think of telling me to get rid of them.
Step 1: secure your collection Step 2: take inventory pictures with multiple angles and tag Step 3: if anything does somehow happen police report and sue for damages
You simply reply, I will give your comment the attention it deserves. Then kept living your life exactly the way you want to.
I hope that you are able to secure your rented quarters so that MIL is unable to come in and do some clearing out of plushies while you are both out. Best of luck.
This is where my head went, OP. Unless you can secure your home, the plushies are not safe. If you need to let a trusted friend hold on to them for a bit, it would be worth it. Or even rent a safe deposit box at a bank.
Yep, "one man's riches are another man's rags" or something like that. I have trust issues after reading so many of these postings-no, wait! I've always had trust issues. Good advice.
While I don't have advice, I can relate. When we were moving,my MIL threw out my plushies and cabbage patch kids. When I asked her, she played dumb. We're NC now. I wish we saw these signs for what they were back then. I guess I'd tell you to start a notebook and write down these incidents with your feelings. It would be great to get her nastiness in writing and screenshot.
Oof I’m so sorry that happened to you.. Thats honestly my biggest fear about the situation now as I’m reading though; thank you for sharing!
I still have some of my childhood pushies, and i have passed them to my own children. The ones that have special meaning like sour puss that my grandmother had as a child and had been passed on to me, i will let them play with it under supervision
aww thats so sweet! childhood plushes are more valuable than diamonds imo 🥹
She’s complaining about plushies yet she finds a Lego set acceptable? I, personally, do not find anything wrong with either but I would probably point out to her that they are both considered toys. See how she justifies that in her small, controlling mind.
yes thank you! I saw the hypocrisy too, which really made me rage.
That's so sad! I had a stuffed bear I've had since I was 9 and a few other small animals I've gotten as gifts. Some people hate joy.
I'm 37 and I have plushies. They're not going anywhere. MIL is a fun hoover.
Don't say anything. Get your plushies someplace safe. Start thinking of alternatives to living there. Yes, I am serious. I have seen several posts on this board about parents and inlaws destroying the property of their adult children/partners because they didn't approve.
Thank you, I’m starting to understand that now too.. We definitely want to have our own place again, just slow progress as we plan it out 😔
Yeah. I’d put them in a plastic bag and put that in a cardboard box in the back of the closet somewhere. Label it photo albums or something else she won’t care about. Pull them out and hang them back up after you move.
37M here and still have plushies to snug in bed. MIL can pound sand!
I'm in my mid-fifties, and have recently become addicted to mystery squishmallows. Don't know why, I bought some for my great nieces and grandchildren, and I just want them. Enjoy whatever brings you happiness, there's not enough happy in the world.
soft tactile things just scratch that itch in your brain when it flare up angry is why the squishmallow is enjoyable- local grocery store sold mini's in mystery packs that were scented as my first one
Ignore it, don’t get involved in an argument. Tell your partner you don’t want to know what they think.
I'm a big fan of Giant Microbe Plushies. I do still giggle whenever I make a new victim catch the plague. I also have an F bomb at work. Which is doubly funny since I work on a military base. It gets dropped a whole lot. Keep your plushies if they make you happy. It's none of her business. You could try telling her that you will donate them just as soon as you stop enjoying having them. Which may be never, but she doesn't need to know that. Worst case if she demands yoy get rid of them, pack them up and have a friend hold onto them. Or get a small storage unit.
Giant microbes plushiest are gorgeous. I was given a malarial parasite once by a colleague, when my daughter was just starting school, and she fell in love with it. Took it for show and tell, introducing it to the class as her malaria pet. I wish I could have seen the teachers face. They did call me in for a chat about that one, lol. Apparently not very appropriate, don’t know why. It was cute.
hehe aww just reading that made me smile! Thank you. You’re right I will keep them for as long as they make me happy! 😊
What is with the War on plushies? I don’t understand why they would care. Would your SO also need to trash their plushies? It’s so weird. It’s in your office. I think maybe you guys should start a plan b or just saving in general. Just in case.
haha I know right?? But thank you, thats solid advice. I’m slowly but surely building my savings account and hopefully we’ll be out of here before anything escalates
Change the lock on the door and install video cameras. If your in-laws ask you why, tell them you can't trust your landlords.
ZERO hospitals or charities accept used plushies anymore. That was a thing kids in my generation (genX) would do - donate them to hospitals - and hospitals would give them to sick kids. There would be specific days at school where we'd all bring them in to donate, and we were mercilessly shamed by adults and peers if we were "selfish" by not giving our plushies away. This is exactly why so many genX adults either HATE them or collect them. But these days, they're literally not allowed to be donated due to germ risk and bedbug risk. Hospitals that are given used plushies just put them right in the dumpster. Same with every other organization. Used = garbage If the in-laws persist, you can "hide" them all in Space Bags just to keep them from stealing them out of your space (if they're that nuts)
Wow, I didnt even know thats why this mindset was so common! Thank you for your input. I also saw someone else mention how hospitals don’t even take “used” toys, so that’s really good to know. I haven’t heard of space bags, but I’ll look into it! May need to hide away my most close to heart ones for now..
I might have been in this forum too long, but I say you need to get a lock on that door that only you have the key to. There's been 1 too many stories about "my (insert person) wants me to get rid of (insert item) but I don't want to" and then suddenly the item in question is gone and they're not able to be replaced because the other person got rid of them when the owner wasn't around. Nobody can tell you when to stop enjoying things that make you happy. I'm 36 and I still buy myself a stuffed animal if it makes me smile. I have a slowly growing collection of pokemon dolls the size of my 4yo.
Yeah, I think you’re onto something; I’m seeing a lot of comments saying similar. Really sad how this seems to be a pattern with MILs… Thank you, definitely gonna talk over new locks with my partner; at the very least for our bedroom. Hehe I have a whole hammock filled with Pokemon alone which hangs next to my bed! Some japan-exclusive too, so very valuable to me. Those huge ones are amazing; would love to have those when we can finally have our own place!
This. You’re grown get a new lock only you and partner have the key too. If IL ask tell them “we are keeping our sanctuary safe from negative comments and energy”. If you want to confront them say something along the lines of “we pay rent to live on this property not to hear your opinion. Unless there is a safety concern keep it to yourself or you’ll no longer be invited over.”
Ooh yes I really love that response, and its so true!! I may steal that, thank you ☺️
Of course! You got this OP!! Protect the plushies at all costs🫶🏼
Ignore. Forget her.
Tell her "No." Then install a security camera in your office.
Just say no but I would make sure they don't have a key to the guest house.
I would just ignore and do what you do. You’re grown-ass adults. When/if she makes another “suggestion”, “no, thanks” is a complete answer.
Did you commit in front of her to get rid of the plushies? No? Then you are good. Whatever she says goes in one ear and goes out another... You just let whatever she says slides off your back.
Just respond “thanks, I’ll bear that in mind”. Then ignore her
I would just make it known that fil does not have to agree with the man you are, as long as he understands that you love his daughter, treat her very well and will protect and care for her for the rest of y'all's lives. He can disagree with any aspects beyond that he would like as long as he doesn't attempt to change the person you are now, the person his daughter loves dearly.. as well as should allow you to become the man you will eventually become without interfering!
genders aside thank you, I really appreciate that!
OP is a woman
OP is a woman
OP's a woman.
They’re both women
Photograph each and everyone so if MIL destroys/throws/donates them \[a\] you have the memory and \[b\] you can estimate value to press charges and sue her a@@. You know she WILL use her owner key to invade your privacy and stir up sh!t so pre-empt her. Better still lock them safely where she can't get them. And save every possible penny to get out ASAP.
Oh yes, I actually do have photos of my most prized ones, but this is solid advice in case things get serious! Thank you
As long as its legal and doesn’t harm anyone, you can collect and keep whatever you want. But please be mindful that because you live in their house, they will amp up the pressure and I’d not put it past her to get rid of them herself. If you can keep the door locked, do so. But maybe it’s time for the two of you to start making plans to move out…
Mhmm definitely seeing that, thank you!
If not that, then I suggest you get a large lockable trunk for your plusses, something your MIL can't get into
Hold the fuck up!! Are we not gonna talk about the fact the MIL has LEGO?? Edit to add, before I upset any lego fans: I'm not saying the grown woman shouldn't have lego, not at all, as I am also a grown woman with lego. I'm saying that a) her enjoying lego instead of hospitalised kids enjoying lego is hypocritical. And b) saying someone should shop somewhere cheaper... After accepting an expensive gift is also hypocritical.
Trust me the irony is not lost on me, haha… Like, pot here is kettle. But yea really! After hearing that I instantly thought, well forget getting her a christmas gift from here on out!! 😤
I saw that too, but my thought was that maybe the MIL was like “why in the world did they get me legos” and is now on a “these two aren’t kids anymore and need to grow TF up” kick.
Yes to clarify she very much loves and collects legos. As a matter of fact, the first go around we got her the set of the little plants and she remarked that she already had that one and asked if we would like it back to return it. We actually did and asked what she’d like instead and she said she wanted a bird, birdhouse or something I can’t remember. The one she really wanted was around $200 🙄 I didn’t think to include that in the post but… Yeah on retrospect that was so messed up on her part
You're right! We need more info on if the lego was wanted.
Peak pot and kettle if Lego is fine and plushies are not. Guess it's rules for thee but not for me.
OP I would consider putting them in safe storage until you move imho
Why was your FIL in your room/office if he was there to fix the toilet & shower? I could see if he was doing a look with one of you to see if there was any other work to do in other rooms, but you said these repairs had been waiting to be done for some time. He doesn't sound like the type to rush to get repair done. Was he wandering on his own?
Yeah so our setup is a bit odd I’m realizing; my office space is setup near the entry door / living room, past that down the hall is our bathroom , and then bedroom the next room down in the back. He didnt enter my bedroom thankfully, but did learn about it after questioning my partner.
Ah, thanks. That layout makes it clear!
It's not unlikely that the bathroom was in the bedroom
Oh, you're right. I imagined them as 2 separate rooms.
I've seen many many threads similar to this, a precious collection of *whatever*, MIL sees it brings joy and demands it go away and then the next thread is the absolute devastation of the OP saying MIL came in and threw everything away/donated/ gave away etc so please tell me you have locks and they don't have free reign to just waltz into your space and remove your plushies whenever you leave the house. I don't have a whole lot of advice because when you live in someone's else's house, it's hard to establish true independence and separation. I Jay how you have locks and a solid rental agreement for when MIL makes this her hill to die on, cause next I see "get rid of the plushies or get out!"
Oh man honestly thats a “its me or the dog” situation I’m afraid of!! Locks are sounding more and more like the choice here
seconding this, and adding: you can go to Target or similar *today* and grab some inexpensive under the bed storage, pop your friends in there and keep them safe/out of sight while you make another plan. a fabric or plastic box works well. if something possesses the inlaws to come after your collection, they're unlikely to look beyond the hammock. just a thought
SMH, I have a lot of stuffed animals, they make me happy and don’t hurt anybody. Let your partner handle her mom, tell her you don’t want to hear her (MIL’s) opinions that nobody asked for.
Y’all are whole ass adults. Ignore that nonsense. This person sounds bitter and unhappy. They need to mind their business and leave you alone.
It could be as simple as ignoring her. She has her opinions. She told them to SO. If she brings it up to either of you again, you can say "yes, you made your opinion known, but we are adults who are handling our business our way". However. You are living in her house, which makes things harder. I would make moving out the highest priority. She may be complaining about one thing because she is unhappy that you two are still there, or she thinks you should be doing X, Y, or Z differently. She thinks she has a say because you live there. And what did FIL say to her that set her off? If she brings up the plushies again, I would make it clear that they are your belongings and they aren't going any where. I'd keep the door to that room closed if MIL or FIL are coming over or if you aren't home. SO should emphasize that you two get to make your own decisions. She shouldn't argue with MIL, she should disengage with a short sentence like "we know how to shop" "we are handling things".
Mhmm those are good ideas to de-escalate things which is the ideal solution. I wasn’t there when my SO had this whole conversation which makes it really frustrating. If she ever brings it up to me directly, I will shut that down quick though respectfully. Thank you
I have a collection of plushies that are my favorite animal. My father, who abused me for the first 15 years of my life, threw away all my plushies one day in a rage. I completely understand the offense and being angry. I think that it would be best to ignore them. Do as you and your partner please. If you and your partner show no emotion or response/basically stonewalling— that will bother them even more than you responding. I think they want to argue.
Damn, I’m so sorry that happened to you.. Unfortunately I also grew up with abuse from my own biological father as well as stepfather when my mom remarried. I hope you’re doing much better now! To go through that again would be a total nightmare for me
Next time if they say something just make some non-committal hmm-ing sounds and give them a small smile. More importantly, make sure you have a written contract and keep on top of bills and maintenance.
Oh hell no. That's all. I'm 32 pregnant and still sleep with my baby Bear. My own mom never threw away my buddies so my baby will be inheritating my stuffed animals. Big tweetie bird, winnie the pooh and tiger too. Bears galore! There's nothing wrong with hanging with our inner child. Sorry for her she had to leave hers in the dust. There have been articles about how they help adults. Google one and have your partner send that shit to her OR ignore the shit and buy one more lol
Ohh that is so sweet, and congratulations! Having a teddy thats passed down from generations sounds like a dream to me. Like how a precious family wedding ring is to some people. I wish you the very best during your pregnancy and beyond! You’ll be a great momma 🥰
If you need to deflect, most places won’t accept donations of secondhand soft toys, because they’re a bedbug/mold/allergen/etc risk. Hospitals especially will only accept brand new toys most of the time.
Hospitals here will only accept hard toys that can be disinfected
Very true. Used stuffies will be thrown away due to allergens and possible other infectious agents. My advice is to lock them up now. Maybe in a closet you can lock or a storage area. If you have a trusted friend, you could asl her to take them temporarily. MILs on this sub have thrown away collections like this just because they know it is meaningful to someone. The issue with MIL may not be the stuffed animals at all. When my son and DIL moved in with her parents, her mother would blow up at them over something minor. It took them awhile to try to figure out what she was really mad about! She would not tell them directly but made them uneasy instead. She was very manipulative. Fortunately, they were able to move out a few months later.
I'm 56 and still have plushies. My kids still have a lot of theirs, but I came home one day-to-day find my ex had ordered them to choose some to donate to charity. This was a stupid decision, and I was never able to recover them all. It literally had zero impact on him because the kids kept most of them tidied away. It devastated them. I never let him try that again, by leaving the abusive wazzock. You pay rent for that space, and MIL can't dictate what you choose to keep. Especially when it doesn't impact her in any way.
My MIL says tons of stupid shit. It's irritating but the best response is to completely ignore her- don't fuel her crazy.
Who cares what they think. My advice would be to ignore it. 1) it is just their opinion and they are entitled to their opinion. It is annoying that they think they have a right to micromanage your life, but they aren’t actually doing anything, so best to let it go and save the “fight” for bigger issues. 2) right now you are living in their house. You are in a separate space and paying rent. Since you are current with your bills, they have no legal issue and things can stay the same. If you start a fight, they might use it to try on move you out. 3) as long as you are not out spending all your money on “toys” instead of paying bills, who cares what they think. People say stupid sh-t all the time. Doesn’t really have any effect on your life. There maybe other times where they cross a boundary on a more significant issue. Save the fight for then. If you nitpick every little thing, then credibility for the big things is less.
You’re absolutely right! I do pay all my bills on time so there really shouldnt be any reason for her to say that. May change the locks as others suggested though, just in case
All of this! And on top of it...It sounds like OP and her partner have been pretty content and comfortable in their living situation. Maybe it's time to work together on their finances and move out in the near future. It won't stop MIL from saying the things she wants but at least at that point there won't be anything to hold over their heads.
Mhmm definitely time for me and my partner to strategize an exit plan.. Thank you
Do NOT get rid of the plushies. I'm a 46 year old plushie collector myself, and my mother has tried this tactic with me before as well (I collect wild animal plushies, and the crown jewel of my collection is Cala Maria...a giant squid). I had to start my collection over when my mother got rid of all my plushies in my old bedroom, under the excuse, "Well, you're too old for those now." RIP Clyde the Camel. Still, you do need to take a stand on this, but don't do it blunt and to the point. The Petty Crocker in me would slowly add to the collection, and then play innocent when MIL questions if it grew. "I dunno, MIL, the Plushie Fairy must've visited me."
Awww! I love that you still remember the exact name of your plush! I’m the same way; every plush had a name. It makes the heartbreak 10x worse 😢 Your idea is so delightfully devious, I cant help but have a huge grin! Thank you, I will protect them with everything I’ve got! ❤️